#i hope i can actually handle it lmao
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I stayed up till morning last night reading the wiki pages for the DDLC characters, even though I've never played or watched videos of the game. No wonder it was so popular, god damn
#personal#i remember when it came out and everyone went nuts over it#before now all i knew was that it's psychological horror and that monika breaks the 4th wall and becomes obsessed with the player#i had also seen someone mention awhile back that she manipulates the others into suicide#so that was the most specific (and most fucked up) thing i knew about it#oh and i also saw the clip of natsuki snapping her neck but that was the only clip of it i ever saw#anyway. good god.#part of me wishes i had watched a playthrough with next to no idea what was going to happen instead of reading all about it first#but i also have no idea how i would have reacted had i done that so i'm kind of glad i didn't tbh#if you're wondering how tf i even ended up here; i was looking up the girls' ages to see if i needed to block someone#and then i was like 'monika's the one that becomes obsessed with the player right?' so i read a bit of her bio to see#then i was curious about what actually happens in the game so i read further. 3 hours later it was morning and i was changed as a person#i reiterate. no wonder it was so popular#i've been meaning to get into horror; and psychological horror specifically seems so fucking cool#i hope i can actually handle it lmao#anyway i need to find a ddlc playthrough to watch now#cw suicide mention#ddlc spoilers
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she's looking especially sacrificial lamb today 🥩
#we're so back baby#i think i'm finallyyyy through the worst of this awful depression i've been in for the past like. month and a half#i mean i woke up this morning and thought ''the sun is so beautiful'' so i think i'm good for now fjksjds#which is great because there's some heavy stuff coming up that i just couldn't handle in that mental state#so i'm hoping i'll be able to move things along a little quicker#but also i might be getting a job in retail against my better judgement so who knows#i've never actually worked in retail... i've done food service and i was a cashier at a pop up shop but nothing like an actual store#but i seriously can't find a job with my degree nor can i even find a desk job. so i'm. man. it's rough out here#i might have to move. but with what money?? lmao the eternal dilemma#SORRY this is a whole diary entry#i hope you guys are well 💖
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Some thoughts on Asra's route...
Replaying Asra's route after having played Muriel's really hits different...
In one of the other routes Asra and Muriel appear to start a romantic relationship, and in Asra's route it's very clear that Muriel cares very deeply for Asra and dislikes the Apprentice. He mentions in one of the paid? dream scenes that he's worried about Asra and the Apprentice fading into their own world and leaving everyone else behind (again, apparently), and that he's determined to stop this from happening. His concern for Asra and initial hostility toward the Apprentice may be rooted in jealousy, not only because his oldest (and only) friend was more or less taken from him, but perhaps with romantic connotations as well.
In Book XI: Justice, Asra and Julian stage a mock trial by combat against Muriel. Though he apparently agreed to participate and is implied to have returned to the Coliseum of his own volition, presumably out of concern for Asra, who has been accused of being Julian's accomplice... he is still more or less backed into a corner and forced to play along with Asra and Julian's plan to stage a fight.
Now, to be fair to Asra, he states after everything goes wrong that it wasn't supposed to end this way, and it appeared that he was attempting to not only exonerate himself and Julian from their charges but somehow help Muriel overcome his past (he does disintegrate Muriel's chains during the fight no matter what choices you make). There was a point during this that I thought I could guess what Asra's plan was regarding Muriel's past, but being refreshed on how it actually pans out, I can't remember it now. Something about making the people of Vesuvia realize how barbaric the Coliseum was under Lucio.
The thing that stands out to me throughout this whole ordeal is that Asra knows about Muriel's trauma. He knows he was enslaved to Lucio and forced to fight and execute people in the Coliseum. He knows that Muriel is terrified of hurting other people, especially those he cares about. In Asra's route, the only person Muriel cares about is Asra, so hurting him is triggering for him. He literally is in a stupor after the board he was using as a weapon splinters off and hits Asra in the mouth, making him bleed. This is clearly meant to make the reader worried about Asra, but Muriel reacts as well, and appears hypnotized by the blood. I remember the first time I read this I thought he was going to have some crazy berserker-Hulk sort of reaction, but having read his route, it's way more tragic.
Though Muriel did seem to return to the Coliseum of his own volition, it does seem that Asra took this as a sign that he was coming to terms with his trauma. He was willing to exploit Muriel's care for him in order to save his own skin so he can be with the Apprentice. Though I recognize Asra's other toxic traits to some degree, I also have similar ones myself so they don't really stand out to me. This, however, where he more or less disregards Muriel's feelings on the matter, is actually really crushing. In Muriel's route, his whole thing is that he DOES NOT want to fight, he DOES NOT want to even spar with the Apprentice with blunt sticks out of fear of hurting them, so why would he willingly go along with this unless he was more or less in the same position Lucio put him in? Fight in the arena, or something bad will happen to Asra.
Asra knows this, and puts him through it regardless. During the whole fight, Julian's actions are written so as to make it seem like he's the one messing things up--he takes the "finishing blow" that Muriel was going to deal to Asra and gets knocked unconscious. Asra spends most of the entire time doing flashy, dramatic magic tricks that get the crowd cheering for him. After he "wins", he and the Apprentice are carried out of the Coliseum like heroes. Though Asra will try to soothe Muriel if the Apprentice so chooses right before the end, and he does look for Muriel in the crowd, he seems otherwise unbothered or unaware of the impact this may be having on his oldest friend. Which is pretty shitty.
Of course, Asra, Julian, and Muriel are all playing characters during their fight--Asra is the flashy magician, Julian is the rogueish BDSM dagger guy, and Muriel is the Scourge. Asra obviously can't show his concern even if he wanted to because he's supposed to be fighting Muriel. But putting his bro into this situation in the first place says a lot about his character. Though Julian is the one whose route is based around self-loathing because he believes he hurts everyone around him, Asra is the only one who gets what he wants out of this ordeal, and he even says so right before the chapter ends. Muriel was forced to relive his trauma and didn't get the resolution that was intended, and Julian gets KOed by a punch that literally sent him flying across the arena (though he probably enjoyed it tbh, he's a nasty little man like that lmao).
I wonder if this dynamic between Asra and Muriel was intentionally written this way in order to further amplify his tunnel vision when it comes to the Apprentice. Is this is how he acted in the past, causing Muriel to hate the Apprentice as he does and remark that he won't allow it to happen again? Maybe (probably) I'm reading too much into it, but as a survivor of abuse and trauma it rubs me the wrong way much more than Asra's obsessive, clingy nature. Of all of the reversed ends, Asra's is the one that actually scared me and kind of haunted me, because it hits a little too close to home.
These are all just thoughts that I wanted to spill out because I thought it was interesting and I wasn't sure if anyone else has talked about it before.
#the arcana#asra alnazar#muriel the mountain man#muriel of the kokhuri#asra the arcana#asra the magician#muriel the arcana#my thoughts#i mean maybe they do talk about this later in the route and i just forgot but???#considering lucio's route and the way that was handled i don't expect it#i adore asra#he literally checks all my boxes for my favorite tropes#but like... this actually is kind of insane and i hope muriel was the one to be like “i can play scourge... i guess” but i doubt it#it also makes me wonder if asra projected onto julian and that's why ilya thinks everything is his fault#because i can't see mazelinka and the grandmas raising julian to think he's not worthy of love#asra however might have given him that impression during their time together?? which is just a big no from me ok#just some thoughts though lmao#this game has returned as my major hyperfixation so i apologize for the novel and all these tags
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hello beans!! hope you're doing well 💜 ^w^ I know you've probably gotten a lot of requests - but I'm gonna add to that pile anyway because it's fun and also your writing is wonderful and always cheers me up to read!! I'm so inspired by your drabbles and you really bring these characters and this little world to life ;w;
From drabble list #1:
14. "Please tell me, this is not why you woke me up."
Character(s): honestly anyone, but my gut was saying Es as soon as I saw that sentence so... up to you!
Woo thank you pal, same to you!! Thanks for your kind words ah ;--; This is the perfect line for Es omg, I've been cracking up over it for so long 😂 I was tempted to write them waking up for T2, taking one look around and going "uh-uh," but decided on some T1 comedy...
Es rarely dreamed. Usually it was vague images and thoughts. Sometimes it was just them thinking about breakfast the following morning. Occasionally they were plagued by a nightmare of being forced to sing karaoke with the prisoners. Most of the time, though, it was just silence that welcomed them at the end of the day. Wonderful, peaceful, silence.
BANG-BANG-BANG!
Someone slammed their fist on the door. Es just about fell out of bed.
Mikoto’s voice came from outside. “Oi, get up! There’s been… uh… an incident!”
That was the last thing a prison guard wanted to hear at -- Es checked the clock -- 2am. Damn.
They muttered to themself as they threw on their uniform. Why the prison’s cells didn’t lock was beyond them. Some of the prisoners were more troublesome than others, but the first trial had been going smoothly thus far. Why now?
Their mind flashed with various possibilities, each one worse than the last, all urging them forward. By the time they were running down the hallway, their shirt buttons were a row off, and they had to switch their shoes to the opposite foot. They adjusted the cap clumsily on their head.
Fear gripped their chest as they heard Jackalope’s voice crying out for help from the panopticon. Jackalope never called for help.
Es burst into the room. The prisoners froze, looking up guiltily.
They sat in a huddle on the floor. Yuno and Muu held the little furry warden over a tub of sudsy water. Bottles of soap and shampoo sat nearby. An assortment of brushes and combs sat to the side. Splashes of water spread across the prisoners and ground, speaking to several failed attempts at getting Jackalope into the bath.
Nearby, Mahiru was holding up the tiny guard’s uniform, her sewing kit spread out on her lap. Es spotted bandages on Yuno’s and Kazui’s fingers. Shidou was currently dabbing blood off Fuuta’s nose as he fumed. Jackalope leaned over to nip at the hands holding him, but Yuno and Muu held him fast.
“Es!” came his frantic voice as he thrashed around. “You gotta help me! Make them stop, dammit!”
From the group of prisoners who had been watching from a distance, Haruka turned to them. “Oh! Es! Th-they thought that he needed a -- uh, a bath! His uniform had a h-hole, and Mahiru can s-sew! And they thought, they thought we could do it all t-together… Muu called it a -- a spa night…”
“At two in the morning?” Was all that came to mind.
“We tried to get him to do it earlier today,” Muu said, “but we didn’t get a chance until now.”
“They didn’t get a chance to kidnap me, she means!” He squirmed around some more, swinging his antlers wildly. “They hid around the corner and nabbed me like the filthy criminals they are!!”
Yuno said, “hold still,” as she brought him closer to the water. He kicked his feet wildly, screaming at Es to show a little authority and do something.
“Hold on a second,” they stopped her.
They closed their eyes, pinching the bridge of their nose. They took a measured breath. They were here to contemplate sin and crime, guilt and forgiveness. Their job should have consisted of questions about morality and life and death; they never anticipated looking around their prison and asking, “is human shampoo even safe for his fur?”
Kotoko spoke up from the other side of the room. “That’s what I thought, but is he really a rabbit? He eats human food and everything, we didn’t think a bit of soap was that different.”
Jackalope disagreed (“that stuff is as bad as poison -- poison I tell you!”) but the others chimed in with their agreement. From around the room came promises that they were being gentle with him, and that they’d keep quiet, and that they’d dry and brush his fur really well when they’d finished, and that they’d feed him treats, and that his uniform was already good as new, and so on. A few complaints at getting bit mingled with Jackalope’s own insults.
“-- Alright.” Es held up a hand to silence them all. They knew a warden shouldn’t be making compromises with their prisoners. At the same time, they didn’t have the energy to argue about bunny baths at this time of night. “You can continue, but wash him outside of the tub. And go easy on the shampoo. Any mess you make must be cleaned by morning.”
They were met with excitement and thanks. Jackalope grumbled that they were too soft, but he sounded relieved as he was whisked away from the dreaded bathwater.
Es sighed. There may have been a few bites and bumps, but that was all. No emergency, no fight, no danger plagued Milgram tonight. Their relief quickly turned to annoyance. They leveled their gaze at Mikoto as he entered from the hallway behind.
“Please tell me this isn’t why you woke me up.”
“Huh? Oh, this? No, no -- we have everything under control. Aw, Mappi, that looks great!”
He pointed at her sewing job, revealing bandages on his hands as well. It looked like no one was safe from the rabbit’s little teeth… Then Mikoto jabbed a thumb casually over his shoulder. “Nah, the faucet in the men’s room broke when we tried filling the basin. The whole room’s flooded now. I think it’s gonna start spilling into the hallway soon.”
“WHAT?”
#milgram#es#jackalope#mikoto kayano#and some others#rip es... they are eternally dealing with So Much Bullshit.... 😂😂😂#half the fun was actually writing it and the half of it was sitting around brainstorming all the options of trouble the prisoners could#be getting into at odd hours of the night LMAO#i cycled through so many dares/challenges (the fucked up high school variety) - competitions - show offs - crazy games#and thats Before i considered the genuine trouble they could get into#the line was so versatile asdfsdfsd#anyway uhh dont try this at home and all that -- apparently bathing bunnies IS bad for their fur and very distressing 💀#but im sure our little cryptid prison warden can handle it...#amane and haruka arent involved directly but they are chilling okay#its getting more and more difficult to write milgram humor as they reveal more and more character trauma but im trying!! 😭#thank you so much for the request! these have been such a blast -- i really appreciate it! you are so kind :')#i hope youre doing well and taking good care of yourself pal!!👍✨#i hope you enjoy :D#drabbles
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I know people are upset about Izzy being killed (I am too) but the truth is I don’t think it was bad writing or even them diminishing Izzy’s character, I actually think everything about the last episode has to do with production and I think Izzy lovers will feel a little better about it if they see it like that (it helped for me).
Basically, if you look at it like this, I think 2 important things came into play. Budget and how the showrunners assumed this would play out. Which is to say that they probably assume HBO will either renew them for season 3 and cut their budget again or they’re going to be cancelled.
Both are very likely, so assuming they had this in mind, removing Con, who I’d guess is the 3rd highest paycheck after Taika and Rhys was probably their best budgeting move, especially if they’re thinking of having an all out war in the final season that they probably want to be a visual spectacle, so each season feels like it’s getting consistently larger in scope.
On the other hand, if they do get cancelled (which they probably will because the HBO CEO is a weird little conservative goon), they left the ending in a way that could be considered an ENDING while still being prepped for a 3rd season. So in the time they had left (which was 2 episodes less than their first season) they gave Izzy an entire completed character arc.
I 100% understand the sadness and anger, especially after all the shit he went through during the beginning of the season, I felt gut punched when I learned he died and was bitter as hell through my whole first viewing of the season even though I’d had more than a month to process it. But after having thought it through, I genuinely don’t think it’s simply them treating Izzy as just an extension of Ed’s character growth and I sure as shit don’t think it’s because they wanted to conform to Izzy haters.
I think if they had all of the resources and episodes they wanted, had a guaranteed season 3, I think we would have gotten the character growth we got with better pacing and he probably would have at minimum made it to season 3 (I also think he would have had a love interest, but that’s just what I wanted for him tbh).
I think they did the best they could with what they had, allocated a lot of budget and screen time towards his character despite having less of those 2 things than the first season, and at least let Izzy have a completed story and arc, even if the ending was deeply disappointing.
#Izzy hands#Ofmd s2#our flag means death#ofmd season 2#ofmd season 2 spoilers#ofmd s2 spoilers#izzy hands apologist#I think it’s worth remembering that Ivan got a single line mentioning his death after the actor was cut for budget reasons#I don’t think they wanted that for Izzy and spent the whole season avoiding that#I also think it’s worth remembering that most of your investment was probably driven by the fandom and fan content#And it’s good to know it’s still here and still being made and I hope more of you will come back once the sting isn’t so bad#I think people can’t see how much they gave us because of what they took away but I think they really tried#To give him as good of an exit as they could but they knew they couldn’t avoid the exit#I just think you should blame the executives who fucked up their whole situation and not the showrunners who had to make it work#That being said the way Lucius was handled really pissed me off and I actually think we should be more angry about it lmao#Now THAT we can blame on bad writing#I also think how Izzy was shot was really forced and felt last second like that also could’ve been better#Steadyhands#edizzy#stizzy#ouizzy#sprigghands
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oh my god i got so emotional SHUT UUUUUP
#911#911verse#evan buckley#so this is what crying about a character is actually like#like i do be crying at times dont get me wrong#but i just love buck so much. i kept stopping the episode and going. omg omg omg#omg its happening. omg idk if i can actually watch this. omg its happening !!!!!!!!!!!#jesus christ JESUS CHRIST#like i know we throw the word around a lot but this is MY SON#and everything that happened in the episode. it was like it was happening to me#i felt actual physical damage and actual butterflies as the kiss moment approached#like theY DID THAT#THEY MADE MY BI SON CANONICALLY BI#idk to have this shift in a characters perception this late in a procedural….. 911 you gods#i really hope they can somehow make more seasons cause they would deserve ti#it. and like. this doesn’t have to be the end of buddie??#they could get them together at any time bc buck realizing hes into men is a lot other worm can than buck realizing hes in love with#his best friend. i just dont know how they would do it with eddie bc they would have to pull a lot of focus over there too with a big#chance of feeling repetitive with their narratives#maybe they just show them together after a timejump and say they worked some stuff out idk lmao#ANYWAY I AM STILL CRYING BECAUSE BUCK MY SON IS A CANONICAL BISEXUAL JEALOUS DISASTER JUST LIKE HIS MAMA ❤️#THIS IS WHAT REPRESENTATION IS ACTUALLY ALL ABOUT (and i mean his horrifying handling of the feelings of being left out of course lmao)#THE LOOK EDDIE SHOT HIM TOO#i am too frazzled rn i just need to scream i think#hi. im sorry this is me coming out of the 911 closet now that wwdits is on hiatus#evan buckley!!!!!#SON OF MY SONS#LIGHT OF MY LIFE#APPLE OF MY EYE
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i want to hide in a hole
#my friend celebrates her birthday in a couple days#and i KNOW how important it is for her that people make an effort#and dress up and shit#she gave a theme for the party and all#she was so disappointed when her family refused to make that kind of effort#but man jesus christ am i not in the place to dress up#am i not in the place for anything actually lmao#i feel like shit so fucking constantly#i can handle putting on some nicer clothes but like.... a theme. a fucking theme. how do you want me to do a theme.#i have one good pair of pants. one skirt. five thousand baggy yoga pants i wear every day.#i have silly tshirts. i barely even wear them anymore.#i can't keep letting people down like this#especially since i was all like oh no that sucks :( that's not very nice of them :( when she told me abt her family not being dressed nicel#regjherkjrhehkhr fuck me i hope the gifts are pertinent enough to make up for that#broadcasting my misery#vent
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I decided because I love suffering that everyone gets their own halter.
#-pops on once in a blue moon to update and dip-#like what it's been. ten years since I've basically said 'hey life is crazy but I really wanna try to be active again!!' lmfao#somehow life keeps getting crazier in good and absolutely abysmal ways#have been sleeping on my floor for the past week due to Fun Health Issues which will probably be a thing for the next month+#and I would b*tch about that but today is the first day in the past week that I have not been miserable so#I'm on a 'I do not feel like sh*t! :DDDD' high lmao#I'm good!! life is just funny and I really need to do standup tbh#when I suffer apparently I am hilarious so silver linings 💕#chaotically toggles between emoticons and emojis bc f*ck the police no one can stop me#this is me a week *not* taking my prescribed amphetamines ahahaha#on them I am actually relaxed and chill which is funny#off them I'm either a sloth or nighttime kitty zooms basically#my body may b falling apart but you cannot stop my chaotic little mind apparently#ANYWAY broken record babey but I do... want to be more active.... if it happens I'll eat my hat but.#can I just say how elated I am that MORE SNOW#Winter Riders was my first SS game so. snow in game is v special to me and I literally dreamed about this and they MAGICALLY DELIVERED#I have a million critiques but clearly I still love the game and I am very happy with how they handled this lmao#anyway I hope everyone is healthier and a little more mentally stable than I <3#I love this stupid game a lot it is still my comfort... n0n-object. sldkfj.#also everyone must know I am f*cking OBSESSED with the unicorn oh my god#still a ponygirl at heart ig 😒 owell#also ye Dragonheart got an update!! heeeee#Dragonheart#Illusion#Brilliant Vision#Myth#Chocolate Dream#mostly sticking to two part names but ngl. for certain special horses I'm enjoying the single name options#also the halter thing is to sorta discourage me from impulse buying horses lmfao#I am 99% positive it will have 0 effect lmaooooo but everyone looks fancy now
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I love comics but by god sometimes the dialogue is the most on the nose shit I’ve ever read ahdkahdks
#this is about knight terrors: Robin which I just read lmao#like…. it was fine but man did so much of what everyone was saying is so cheesy but not in a fun way#in a ‘I’m supposed to be taking this seriously for the angst factor’ way#but I can’t because of how it’s being said#maybe it’s just me but I can never handle dialogue that’s like ‘you’re useless. you’re just getting in our way.’#because I never find it to be written in a way that like… actually sounds believable that someone would say it like that#and that another person would believe it. maybe that’s just me though#and this book had that whole exchange and I’m like… idk ahaha#I’ll still buy book 2 when it comes out but like damn I was really hoping this would be better#the Tim and Jason dialogue was okay but I did like the little bit of Babs interactions we saw at the beginning#also the art was pretty solid and I liked seeing Tim’s nightmare be the captain boomerang incident which then extended to his other family#I guess I just wish there was more internal thought boxes rather than thjngs said out loud idk#white weasel talks
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i hate taking days off work but i am off today now so. fingers crossed my boss doesnt get too annoyed
#jupiter.speaks#> hes usually chill tbf n i dont take days off often. he actually bugs me abt takin/usin my holidays lmao#> i just know my ass is not handling it today /lh im gonna just. chill n do as little as possible so i dont lose my mind or nothin#> hoping that later on i can feel functional enough to get back on xvi. i played a bit last night n it helped 🫂#> im right before final barney fight too aeuegegeghhh.....
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screaming shaking crying trembling wailing sobbing throwing up punching the wall in anguish and agony and angst etc etc etc
#Seven.txt#Seven’s Public Diary#cw vent post#kinda?? i guess??#cw dentist#anyways yeah. i have to go to the dentist soon and i wanna throw up just thinking abt it#someone just fucking hit me with a tranq gun and get it over with already oh my god i don’t wanna do thisssssss#but don’t actually do that cause i would deadass revoke someone’s breathing privileges if they ever sedated me without my consent#that’s part of what i’m so afraid of. i don’t know what i’m gonna do if they say i have to be put under general anesthesia for this.#i will literally cry and run out of the building#so here’s hoping that they can just numb it and keep me awake#i need to stay awake for this man it’s the only way i can handle it. i don’t wanna be vulnerable like that.#hhhhhhh last time i was in a dentist chair i was shaking uncontrollably and it’s so embarrassing when my body does that shit#i’m so afraid it’s gonna be like that again cause my fear has gotten so much worse as i’ve put off going#but my father will be there with me so maybe my need to appear strong in front of him will override my body’s need to shake in fear lmao#so i’ve got someone to take me and i’ve thankfully got the money saved to afford it so realistically i shouldn’t be upset#but i am so so afraid and no amount of logic is gonna help me out here. i already know that#i just have to go do it like i have to force myself to do all the other things i’m afraid of#ugh. i can’t tell if i’m nauseous cause of the pain radiating from my jaw bone to my brow bone or if it’s anxiety#or if it’s cause i couldn’t eat last night. or all three. probably all three#i’ve never had any cavities or serious issues with my teeth before in my life so this is so so so new and scary and i hate it#but i want the pain to stop so i gotta get this fixed. and never eat anything with sugar or acid or anything ever again#and brush my teeth one million times a day so this doesn’t happen again#sighs and collapses on the floor. i guess i couldn’t run from the consequences of my mentally ill actions forever#also no for once i didn’t actually punch anything. that was just a figure of speech. and i’m in enough pain as it is rn lmao
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I'm once again thinking about an alternate universe where Jefferson Hope being raised by Native Americans wasn't just some cheap, borderline racist storybeat, but was rather used as one of the multiple ways through which the Ferriers realize that their "Mormon family" had something deeply wrong with them. Give me Lucy Ferrier having no background knowledge and seeing him among his family, as she thinks that "he found God because he's white and they're not", only to have this belief challenged as they strengthen their bond (I don't know how many of y'all know about this, but in the Book of Mormon, Natives are seen as the descendents of a cursed Hebrew tribe whose curse effects include a darker skin tone. Yeah, it's not good; the Book was "updated" in recent years and I doubt modern Mormonism thinks about this passage too much, but the meaning of it remains the same) and she realizes that she wants to run away from those who misinformed her. Give me his family concerned about him flirting with the seek for revenge after Lucy dies, and how heartbreaking the separation would be to all parties involved, because Hope never came back and there was never anything on him that could've reached his family if he was just some Random Guy in the country that he died on. I don't know! Anything!
#in reality i do think its better doyle didnt try we all know what he did to tonga#but still i like to imagine what couldve happened if he was well informed and was really careful while handling the subject#man can you imagine if he actually cared lmao#a study in scarlet#sherlock holmes#acd holmes#acd canon#jefferson hope#// racism
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#ive been thinking about davenzi lately i miss them...#i kind of want to rewatch druck but i've also been too depressed to consume anything except bob's burgers for the past few months#idk i miss skam and the fandom (some parts of it. my friends) and i know i can dip back into it but it isn't really the same#i've been so out of the loop that i don't know if there's anything else still ongoing or in the works#i might check in on skam korea if it really happens#but i might not#it'll depend entirely on the timing of the release and if i'm feeling up to it honestly#but like doubtful that they will even do an isak season or that they would do it justice if it happens#and if they somehow do. my hopes are low for sana season#like unless they actually find good muslim consultants i reallyyyyyy doubt that sk is going to understand how to portray a muslim storyline#properly and without inciting pannchoa typical backlash lmao#there will be backlash regardless but. the show needs to handle itself with grace#sigh#things i want but probably can't have#skam korea#chatter
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fr both taylor's quants as mirrors to themself. rian Seen as so meritous and deserving and talked to and tasked with and advised and considered but apparently rian's whole thing is going "huh. wha" and having wendy's level of self-reflection (none). winston who is begrudgingly allowed to sit in his corner and ignored b/c he's undeserving so he can't really be meritous and nobody would look in that mirror b/c it's gonna be So not their reflection. while he just won't stop cassandraing and having all these insights and perception and observations nobody even asked or told him to have and is peak taylor understander and just like taylor: isn't guided by a paper-thin ego but also will take criticism / blame / mistreatment Too Much for his own good
#winston billions#the tragedy of the Lose Lose imbalanced [rian is ostensibly a character but actually a plot device] [winston: ostensible plot device but#actually a character] like yknow we could even some of this out a little. but also once again billions' handling of Gender Things....#that's (mostly) all an issue on rian's side of the Quants Who Are Also You scales#(it's also ofc still relevant re: winston; or anyone; and especially wrt Autistic Character but that's gonna be beyond billions)#(even [society if nonbinary rian] aside like. thinking you simply have one of your rare Cis Women Characters here....come on)#give rian a little more of that '''''worse''''' treatment that would let her be more Funny Little Guy as lets winston be more characterful#even transcending the [they won't give him an arc or C plot that's actually about him or anything] limitations#meanwhile again like Lmfao rian was Meant to be important but that's Only meant taking part in Other People's Plots as [device]#being a plot device is a way to use characters it's not like Inherently Bad but like lmao. rian doesn't get to do anything herself For Real#AND all the plot devicery means she's never gotten to have consistent enough motivations or like. traits to be An Character.#winston's writing is so [here he is to do little a expositing. butt of the joke. minor plot device] that he has way more room to like#just be idiosyncratic & Not have that yanked around by ''prominence''....it happens to All billions characters but it's So bad w/rian#like i can go ''this feels like it's Too Far serving the plot or conflict at the expense of character'' other times w/other roles but like#that'll then also be isolated enough to just ignore. w/rian it's like spent that whole time doing multivariable calculus waiting on more#info more context to conclude anything abt what she's even Basically supposed to be like. even my more generous theories can't hold up#and based on precedent i don't have much hope that remaining [i guess this could be a quality of hers] will either (a) not be contradicted#or (b) get to actually mean anything in any of her arcs which ig now get to be about the [nothing] that is [pay disrespects]#winston isn't bound to get a real arc even last minute but he'll still have felt like more of a character#rian doomed by intending ''importance'' from the start & that they don't seem to have ever had the idea of any more solid foundation#and that billions going ''gender; huh?'' can be like. rian has to go away now; we needed her vagania for diluted cishet man sex scandal#well i for one am really reflecting on Women In The Workplace(tm) now & for what. rian funnier littler guy winston Ever getting a C plot...#a superior tmc timeline....and like as ever rian can be shitty that'd be fine. but if it Means Nothing b/c billions either goes [nuh uh]#and/or b/c either way it just does Nothing with it. that then Is Not character material for her; it more so is For Winston suffering it....#most likely to end with billions just agreeing rian Was so specially meritous & deserving & winston was too cringefail (autistic) to live#even if we get anything Alright / given consideration & care in his material....which will in turn be like eh. as ever; will take it lol#plus ofc fascinating like. can't draw a hard line b/w the Writing & the Performance but still wondering how much of winston's idiosyncrasy#and that sense of character is big time via will's acting. definitely got that foundation in that the Writing = quant kid 2; one-off joke#and the Performance of that material = furiously writing in multiple winston scenes & despite it all bringing him all the way into s7#but he's autistic & typecast so also our hands are tied. could've had more for Either/Both quants; which = more for taylor by extension. f
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i love being single <33
#eden speaks#i have impossible standards and high expectations and i over romanticize the concept of love#and ive come to realize since i ended my last realtionship that i really like being single#i love it actually and i dont know if thats shitty to say?? im just glad that its just me yknow#i can be a great friend but the emotional support and availability needed to have a partner is too much for me#im sure ill meet the right person one day at least one can hope but for now im really content with where im at#i dont want go on dates or get a dating app or something#and theres nothing wrong with it if thats something someone does want to do#but its not for me and i also dont think i can handle the heartbreak of falling for someone only for things not to work out#i cant do that im not strong enough#if my love isnt like the ones in a studio ghibli film then i do not want it#sorry for posting so much today yall are probably sick of my ass lmao i appreciate my mutuals who deal with my bullshit#no one i know personally follows me on here so i use this blog as like a personal diary#i might make a side blog for daily writings and keep this one reblogs and occasional posts#anyways ive derailed lmao
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Sometimes I’m like “no, I don’t think I am autistic after all… just because I relate to so much to all of these common traits, I don’t relate to these 1-2 more important traits” and then other times I try to navigate social situations and I’m like “yep, this brain has something ✨different✨ going on”
#I join a singles group to meet other singles in the hopes of one day not being single#I comment on a person’s post — hoping they will be interested in me#they show interest in me and I am SHOCKED#they flirt and I attempt to flirt back but just sound like this is my actual first day on earth#I have to immediately close messenger after sending a message#not that these are autistic things to do… I know lots of autistic folks can handle relationships okay#but social situations have baffled me my entire life and I’ve only recently realized it isn’t this way for everyone#granted this may just be social anxiety but still#it does constitute something funky in my poor little brain lmao#daily oversharing
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