#i have so much garbage in my brain
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Do you ever feel EXTREMELY self conscious about your own work or something 💀
artist moment
#legit happened to me several times about ToM#I'm just there then I'm like “WHAT IF THIS IS TOO MUCH?!?! WHAT IF I'M WRITING IT WRONG?!?!”#I guess I have a kind of “trauma” regarding writing badly 💀#when I was a child my writing was absolutely garbage and now I'm scared of writing badly again 😭⚰️#MAN I'M JUST THERE TRYING TO SLEEP BUT MY BRAIN COMES LIKE “rad what if tom is too much angst” AND I'M LIKE 👀#the fear#tower of mistakes#radaverse#I'll also post silly thoughts often to not make this tumblr go so silent when I'm still cooking
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#theres gotta be. like there has to be something wrong with my head#ugh. not wrong. wrong is a bad word. just. i should not b this hard to get my brain to focus on literally anything that matters#its just so frustrating. im doing the best i ever have. and yet i still cant focus. wtf else can i do?#god dammit. all i wanna do is listen to garbage and draw and draw and draw my shitty little scribbles#maybe my head jsut wasnt built for what im trying to do with it#so idk how tf im supposed to get thru the next 4 years of my phd. or wtf im gonna do after#maybe i should just have just started working at a lab when i graduated. just be a lab manager for thr rest of my life#i dunno. i dunno what to do. how to make my head work. it shouldnt be this hard. my dad can just do things he doesnt want to and im like#HOW??? Im too much like my mom. especially now that im way less anxious. she was a procrastinater and a messy disaster#ay. im just frustrated and feeling guilty abt the lack ot work getting done. i just wanna get back into thr lab#unrelated
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learning a lot about myself after my pcos diagnosis
having pcos and depression sucks really bad when I am someone who actually eats MORE when I'm depressed bc food good and good food = dopamine but pcos means very very easy weight gain so I have to try and find something else to help bc I've already been eating like shit over the holidays
#tetri.txt#pcos#tetri vents#we have so much candy and chocolate in the house rn and ugh#ive already eaten enough garbage today but my brain is begging to have a snack and i really shouldnt#bleh
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we should normalize any and all friend cuddles no matter how clingy and intimate they seem we should make that an extremely normal friend thing to do
#squishy talks too much#who want me in their lap like a super annoying weird cat but we’re not dating#i think that SOME FRIENDS have normalized this and i’m so jealous bc#i don’t have any friends irl i could cuddle#i mean i have some i could ask but. TOOSCARYTOOSCARYTOOSCARY#why is everything cool associated with romance#bc the idea of dating anyone makes me *fork in garbage disposal noises*#i don’t consider myself fully aro i just umm. i UMMM#anyways welcome to the depths of my brain sorry it will happen again#edit: ALSO MAKE IT NORMAL TO BE TOUCH AVERSE#i love you guys i am your complete opposite but you are valid and i love you
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i finally handed in my final papers im so relieved 😭😭😭😭 now all i gotta do is make a whole zine by friday and im done for the semester but thats like fun so im not too worried
#my paper was actual garbage but its something so i wont get a zero you know#very much at that point where i just am accepting that im not going to get the grades i will be happy with#because i cant afford to go through the stress that would require again so i cant push myself#ive even been taking all of my meds for like a month now#which is actually really major for me i have really dreadful med compliance and its very not good for me#its just one of those vicious cycles where i stop taking them for whatever reason usually cuz im in distress (counter productive i know)#but then i feel worse because i really should be on them so then im even less motivated to take them because brains are dumb#anywaaaaaays#sorry for the rant#wasnt expecting that#take ur meds everyone#oh fuck lol that reminds me i have to take my heart meds now lol#:3
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i want to paint, but autism is hungry and needs to be fed 8hrs of skyrim a day
#i'm trying to set up to paint bc i want to!! but every bone in my body says no#i'm gonna feel sad and disappointed in myself if i don't paint because i want to actually *do* something#and not spend this whole weekend having barely even scraped the surface of what i truly genuinely wanted to do#and instead just burn away the time looking at skyrim#i'm not even really having all that much fun playing it!!! but i can't break away from it#which isn't always a bad thing especially on week days but? on a long weekend where i want to enjoy myself??#and i can't because my brain won't let me??? not fun!!!#painting is so boring and understimulating and my brain is way too foggy right now to think about mixing colors and layering#(secretly i don't even want to paint i just want to feel satisfied at creating a thing!!) (my brain is too fried to hold a thought long#enough to do the physical action of painting! it sounds wayyyy too daunting and taxing right now!!)#but if i spend this whole weekend having sat on my ass doing nothing will i feel rested? no!!!#but if i spend all my energy doing A Hobby will i feel rested? also no!!! but then i'll at least have something to show for it#i'm riling myself up and i feel like i ALMOST could make myself paint right now#but as soon as i think of what it will feel like to sit here and focus and move my hands to do the painting my brain screams NO#and sure i can argue i'll feel better if i do it i'll be glad if i do it and it'll be easier once i start#but this isn't the walk i took yesterday (that i was glad i took but still felt like garbage after)#i WANTED to take a walk. i was just struggling with the level of exertion i could manage (walk my neighborhood or drive 30min to the park?)#my brain is latching on to 8hrs a day of skyrim bc that's all i have the energy for#work has been killing me#and it's so painfully bright in my apartment but i can't close the curtains bc i need all the sunlight i can get#i WANT to have the energy to paint and enjoy it but i just don't.... (but i feel like if i Give In to the exhaustion then i'm#no better than my mom who just sits around all day refusing to live her life bc she refuses to take care of herself.#and calls sitting perfectly still—instead of actuvely managing her condition—'not letting her disability win')#(so i don't want to be that. i don't want to waste away like my mom bemoaning how i Just Can't when i totally can!!!#i could push through this exhaustion and hype myself up but the only thing i'm going to be thinking about is Am I Done Yet? Can I Rest Now?)#and i can't convince myself that 'just paint for 30min' is worth it bc mixing paint and setting up is Just So Much#enough that 'just 30min' is a lie and not a legitimate out if i need it to be#i need to commit or not do it. and i just can't......... my eyes hurt and i'm tured and i just wanna play my game#and all this indecision and feeling like i'm wasting time is just making me want to cry. im gonna close the curtains and boot up the xbox;(#personal
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Wasn't paying attention and my roommate threw out my seaweed snacks that I JUST BOUGHT during our pantry clean out and I hate this shit. I'm trying to only keep a couple things that I really need so I can eat in case of flare ups downstairs and I'm slowly dismembering the diy rat pantry but shit like this makes me want to return to my packrat like tendencies
#it was a three pack only one was eaten#i have so many food security issues and this shit is so hard. and i should've been paying better attention but i think i was busy carrying#garbage bags having some strongman time. it is like a buck fifty worth of food but it's hard food for me to get and i didn't get to go on#the errands run today and my horrible little rat brain is screaming about it and now i have a big cup of rice and no seaweed to put it in#idk. fragile day. also a lot of shit's been pushing my buttons today#well i have been pushing my own buttons.#asked a friend to hang out got no response and was like well it can be a no my life drama hang out if you need#and idk there's something about my life being so radioactive to people that they only want my company without my life attached is getting t#me. i am not being stupid this has worked on this friend before. to hang out. i have put so much time into this friendship#and i want it BACK and i know we can't go back in time but maybe i merit an ounce or two of consideration???#augh
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So I’ve written over 14k words of a wolfstar pirates of the caribbean au and I need to know if anyone would read it if I posted it on ao3
#I’ve been obsessively writing this for the past 5 hours and simultaneously watching the potc movies#this is taking over my brain it’s almost 4 am and I can’t sleep I keep think about James potter being a pirate#wolfstar#Sirius black#Remus Lupin#James potter#maurauders era#the marauders#peter pettigrew#wolfstar fics#marauders fic#so far I’ve half of it is just Remus and James becoming best friends tbh#like Sirius and Remus have three paragraphs interacting so far and the rest is pretty much just Remus and James chilling together#and stealing a boat#ao3#archive of our own#fics#btw this is not me promising it’s good I genuinely have no idea if this is good or hot garbage#I’m so tired my brain can’t figure it out#I might only like it because it’s self indulgent#for me anyway#also Remus is high key a simp in this but it’s okay cause Sirius is too#they’re in love your honor#I’m staring at the doc rn it’s 31 pages already#single spaced#what have I become#literally since ao3 went down last week I’ve started writing fics for the first time ever and now I can’t stop#it is now 5 am I have added another scene#I’ve never listed something on ao3 before it makes me too nervous
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promised myself that i'm gonna fix up my notes from last sy so i can share it with upcoming humss students but i also keep going 'but what's the point'
#there were already so many from years ago who have posted and shared theirs#except theirs weren't as detailed; just the general summary for each topic#and mine are more detailed and i'm also contemplating translating them to tagalog#like this could serve as y'know. notes they could refer to to prepare themselves for the upcoming topics they'd tackle#but also...would i be robbing them of the experience to learn things on the pace their own teachers are setting?#in my own experience i only sought notes in the first few weeks of classes to ease myself into each subs and to learn what i'd be-#getting myself into#but i had fun just anticipating the upcoming topics without knowing anything about them#idk...is this just the result of me constantly mourning the state of the educational system in terms of the garbage curriculum and the-#general unpreparedness of most youths in choosing their tracks especially after the setback that the pandemic has brought on that are still#not given attention to by this garbage administration#combine that with the study of humanities & social science being looked down/underestimated by most filipinos#no wonder they're picking the stupidest and useless politicians & public servants. no wonder they're not paying much attention to the-#credentials of people they're electing to lead the country. ngayon letche-letche HGGSGAHSHAJS#anyway so many of the humss students i know chose careers that aren't consistent with their track and it's sad to see. sayang 2 years my-#loves :')#sigh......gonna do it now anyway#brain be very scattered rn. hate that <3#catdrain#rambles#non fandom
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not really the type who likes posting their ocs much but here's a Nim :}
#no tags because idk how to tag oc posts- also this account DO just be for saving my art in case my pc ever breaks.#but he's one of my favourite characters i have rn#and the junk hunters in general honestly their dynamic is my favourite.#two old gay men. One (Viktor) who lingers a little on the past but is happy and content as to where he is in the present#the other (Atlas) still mourning his dead mother and having left his abusive home.#A trans girl (Inky) who grew up in a perfectly normal household but became agoraphobic; before being ripped from her home and forced into#outside world#and Nim. someone who grew up in a trash zone with nothing to eat but garbage and is living her best life in the present.#they're literally blorbos from my brain ESPECIALLY the world they're apart of too because GOD i love it so much#What Nim's holding is called a Liabell; most if not all mosnter hunters have them for mobility.#the liabells dont work without a lullader (small-neon glowing stone looking spiders basically) inside. as it uses their incredibly tough we#to pull#but Nim's a cloven (deerways) so she's already got pretty good agility and uses their's for moreso rangling monsters.#i have SUCH a cool scene that I wanna draw (but doesn't fit my style- so i gotta commission it for sure)#where they're standing atop of an elk-like monster#and he's like- spun webs of the liabell around it's horns and its incredibly firey and its night and#GAHH#Nim's liabell isn't even like- purple- his lullader is- the liabell is clear glass with weathering copper when the lullader isnt in it.#I'm so normal about this world and all the races I've made for it. Because simply being a different race means they might use their#tools differently or not need specific ones#for example: I've got one character in my mind that's a possae (something inhabiting another thing basically) and they're a skeleton#with this massive glowing pulsating mass in it's ribcage and its all cowboy motif. (I'm thinking angel posessing it and handing out#their own retrobution in the West Zone)#and basically they use a Liabell similar to Nim but it's a lasso and they have several of them to help tie up more people.
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*hissing through my teeth as my digital pen shakes more than usual* art only improves if you keep doing art. art only improves if you keep doing art. DO THE FUCNING ART ITS FINE
#personal#so I’m uh… in a Place atm#the slow crawl forwards in the aftermath of a crisis that fucked to my living space#to be precise#and as it does that whole mess fucks with mental health in a myriad of ways#please ignore this#I’ll be fine I just need to get through this dragging forward in time garbage brain time#I have way more skills and supports than I used to so I think it won’t be as bad as last time#last time I dropped 40 lbs in a month so… 2022 was a bad year let’s just say that much#nanowrimo really helped me come back from that one so looking forward to next month 🫠
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this is mostly my fault but noodle once again stole food off the counter when I left the room, ate an entire breakfast crepe. I'm so fuckin mad
#maybe I'll laugh about this tomorrow but im so mad. im mad cuz i really wanted to eat that#and now i have to clean up the mess and do the dishes and take the garbage out#which doesn't have much to do with this im just getting tired of the fact that nobody does anything in this house except me#like i made soup for everyone and nobody even offers to help put the food away and clean up? 🥺#i don't want to ask. ever since my mom left everything has fallen onto me#it's getting harder and harder to do things. just been progressively getting worse. even with medication#im just so tired! im so tired. so fed up with the fact that i was born against my will#in a body i hate. cursed with chronic diseases and a brain that barely functions. in a society that doesn't care if i live or die#anyway. time for the bi weekly mental breakdown thanks for reading 👍#delete later#ari speaks
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The desire to drop out of college and never go back is so fucking strong… but I can’t quit something without feeling bad about it for a decade later so I really don’t know what to do
#shh shut the fuck up ollie#sorry my brain is just fuzzy and fucked up rn#I have a break coming up soon but like I have three research papers due by the end of the semester and I really just don’t wanna do this#it’s like the impending feeling of dread and doom yk#and like I know I should go back to therapy bc I’ve been feeling like this since idk August I think?? maybe April of last year??#I genuinely think I’ve felt like this since high school consistently and that fucking sucks#because I love that I’m going to college where I am and I got friends but like I’m only here for the fucking film program not all the extra#so I just have to suck it up and get it over with but like I just wanna edit silly little movies not discuss Alexander the Great or#the concept of garbage in society or fucking Scottish imperialism#like I went to college for film not everything else and I just can’t get myself to give a shit anymore#and I’m just sitting in this spiral of shit where I can’t claw myself out of no matter how much I try I’m just in this bottomless pit#and I can’t escape it and my mom just keeps giving me an attitude for not being this cheerful bitch but I just don’t have the energy anymore#and I keep leaving school early because I have such a long break on Tuesday and Thursday so what’s the point but I can’t do that#because I have to pass and to pass I have to go#but I just always feel like shit it’s like an underlying feeling and every time I try and talk to my parents about it#it’s like stfu what do you have to be sad about you’re going to college getting to experience going into the city everyday but I just can’t#I can’t pull myself out of it and talking about it with my parents just feels weird but I can’t talk to anyone else either so I’m just#sitting here waiting for SOMETHING but I have no clue what that something is ykk
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Puppy play but u euthanize me :3
#ajejejsjjd SORRY#death tw#sh ment //#hhhhh vent :3#AGAIN SORRY#shit ass garbage brain again tonight <3#ok to rb if u want ahhdjdjs#I just …………. hate meself <3#when will I be able t exist#when do I get to go to bed when I want instead of going to bed so I don’t disappoint others by hurting myself#not even for me idc anymore#my scars are so much more visible than they ever were more people know who cares i don’t#just fuck I hate worrying people I hate disappointing people#idk again this is shit for my journal but my fucking hands hurt#my dog subluxed my index finger yesterday so writing is harder#idk man you know like shit just let me destroy myself in peace you know like who have you the right to give a shit#me: I don’t have bp.d#also me: fuck u for caring about me#anyway pls block me for ur own health <3#idk man idk#I’m just going to go to bed bc I don’t want to spend any more of today with myself
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ive been kinda thinking of trying out a new hobby... maybe i should give embroidery another go
#my parents visit left my brain in a state of cringe fail. i need some kind of Thing#maybe i could crochet some more that went pretty well#or draw again. havent done that in a while#i keep thinking 'oh ill do x' but then stressful things happen and i am exhausted#it was also nice when i was on my workout kick but im not sure how to integrate that back into my life#LE SIGH#it would also be nice to do a people thing of some kind or like. just meet friends more often lmao#i am not very good at people but its ok#i did a thing that usually makes me feel better but it didnt and now im just like. sad.#so i am. Trying. To make life more bearable fucking hell#actually maybe ill crochet something. idk what. but it will be a Project#tomorrow i need to go out anyway.. hmmm...#and ill get myself flowers and also make plans to cook something and get some nice music on#re: people thing#i have a coworker i am getting along with somewhat well. i could ask if she wants to go somewhere maybe#she is a little annoying but like. arent we all. she has good intentions ig#and once i deal with my garbage i could invite the two friends i wanted to invite back in june over#AND another friend we havent talked in ages but i messaged her last month and we met up. it was nice.#AND my other friends that i also didnf talk to much for a bit but we met up this monday. they wanted to have a 'girls night' kinda thing#with cooking and face masks. the fun kind.#sigh. itll be okay. this gets published anyway in case yall have fun hobby suggestions <3
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Girl help I keep thinking about freaking persona 4
#i have banned myself from engaging with any persona 4 related content (except for memes my sister sends me)#because yeah its genuinely deeply upsetting for me and i always feel like absolute shit#but aghhh for some reason my brain has been fixated on it this week thinking about all the offensive garbage it is#and i keep thinking of all the evidence i can gather definitively proving that the writing is sooooo homophobic/transphobic#which is a very easy thing to gather up and prove since its all over the damn place lol#but like im just so fixated on how awful the game is and how the fans are even worse and i have this urge to argue forever#something im sure a lot of yall can relate to#cuz god it hurts to be screaming at people that theyre hurting you and for them to just say no to you as if its up for debate#if this sounds dramatic cuz its Juat A Game liiiike no its not Just A Game this is about#my daily life requires me to argue my existence constantly and its the same for every other damn marginalized person out there#and idk if youre still gonna either ignore or deny that persona 4 isnt batshit insanely offensive then youre stupid#i dont have the patience to argue shit like this anymore because theres no way someone with a brain can deny shit like that#and quite frankly even well intentioned queer fans who try to make headcanons that either say fuck you to the game#or hcs that do nothing at all to challenge the bigotry in p4 are kinda annoying to me#cuz it hurts too much to play along like yeah id LOVE to just slap a rainbow on kanji and a trans guy badge on naoto#and call it a day and enjoy the game outside of it all but thats kinda impossible#when these two characters entire existence revolves around the bigotry and its done in a way that hurts like hell to see#its too real for me to enjoy even if i make positive ‘fuck you atlus’ fan art#yeah ughhhh whatever its just annoying cuz I’ve been doing a good job at blocking this game away from my life#cuz it brought nothing but anger to me but its just been something thats been stuck on me lately#and im really not sure what triggered this or why its been lingering so long like please stoppp#its really embarrassing to be having bad mental illness over a shitty bibleo game 🙄
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