Tl;Dr discussion of rates, the art industry, personal thoughts etc.

For a long time there- a period of about 3 years when I started freelancing again- all I wanted was to work for companies like Wizards. I held the art made for them in such high esteem, I got a mentor to help me work in that direction and I've labored in blood to get my skill and style there. Stress straight up put me in the emergency room.

And gods I've grown, but the critical, negative, you're not ever going to get there in my head has grown so strong that the rift between what I see and what I make has grown even wider. I genuinely only see what I could have done better in my work most of the time these days. I struggle to share it because between Twitter's slow motion implosion and the industry being Like That and this aforementioned rift, I am torn between "it's not good enough" and "what's the point?"

When honestly, my style and work have thrived best under work for private clients and small entities. I'm starting to realize that maybe that's where it's at- and I'm closer to something I really wanted all along. I don't want to make something that is an asset, I want to make pieces that sing, or shriek, right into a heart. I want to make work that is a collaboration between my client's imagination and heart and my heart and my hand.

That's not to say that the private client atmosphere is always going to be conducive to artists living healthy lives or getting paying wages. The balance is hardly struck, through by god I love madly in my heart each client that will pay my high rates and help me set that example that my work is worth $30 an hour.

But I also haven't raised my rates for private clients in 2 years. I've painted maybe 300 complete paintings since, probably more, and that number hasn't changed, because the people I love working with most can't afford it.

But in turn, I've found out that the artists who work for people as big as fucking Wizards are over delivering masterpieces for wages that haven't changed in 20 years. Storm the Seedcore by Jason Rainville is a fucking piece of triumph that I have had as my wallpaper for years as an aspirational piece a fucking beauty of motion, composition and color that he delivered for $1200. (It's his spirit of transparency that he showed in discussing it that I hope to share in talking about this now).

$1200 to a megazillion corpo that indubitably made so much more off that incredible piece. Like, Jesus Christ. Sure he got the right to sell prints and he probably lives better than me but, what?

So until things get better, and who knows if they will, maybe it is best that I stay here struggling. And all I can do is try to take care of myself while working with the beautiful people that I do and making the art that I want. But god, finding that balance has been so difficult I have stretches of days paralyzed by indecision and depression.

It's been hard to think and I genuinely have made a resolution of 2024 to be more cognitively present instead of self medicating to keep working, because my art needs me, not just the skills I've cultivated over years to autopilot out a painting. And I have to be in one sane piece to deliver.

So I'll keep striving to share my work even if my critical self keeps seeing problems. I'll keep loving and trying to reward all the care and investment my followers and clients have given with more of this work. I'll probably keep bleeding a little into my paintings the way I have, though I'll try to take care of myself and feed myself too.

It's all just a storm of imbalance distracting from the heart of it all: we're trying to create something that will outlast us here. Something that sings.

It shouldn't be this hard, but hell, it always feels worst before a breakthrough, right?

Hello! I've been here for a while and seeing how much you've been through so far makes me sad that you've experienced so much sad shit. I recently came back to your blog since I wasn't on Tumblr for a while(I've been following you for sometime now) and decided to snoop around for a bit to see what I missed, congratulations on 10k followers btw🥺. Also I'm sorry in advance this will probably be long knowing how I can go on for a while.

Some things you've been through I can relate to, my family isn't a step family but it's definitely incredibly dysfunctional and can be shitty. It's almost 4am here so excuse any mistakes I make in writing this, I literally told myself if I didn't send this to you now I'm not gonna be able to later so I'm fighting sleep. Also your friendships I'm sorry you're stuck with people who don't deserve you in just about every aspect ☹️.

You seem like such a genuine sweetheart. I had an experience with a friendship I wanted to end before and I remember being the same as you were, wanting to stay in that friendship but couldn't leave because I was so attached to that person. I thought the end of the world was gonna happen when I left because I was so codependent on them. But I realized that the feelings I had when it came to them shouldn't be taken lightly, the bad feelings, every single one should never be taken lightly. I'm not gonna sit here and make any promises towards you that certain things are gonna be perfect but I can at least say that it's gonna be okay. Not just when but comes to friendships but living apart from your family. I know you've probably heard this shit a million times but you're not gonna be stuck in the same situation forever. If you have decided to leave that friendship I hope you felt the relief I did when I left mine, if you haven't decided to yet, you most likely will feel relieved even if there's always gonna be a longing for the good moments you might have had before, don't let the good distract you from all the bad.

When we all are teenagers or were teenagers, we are constantly told how grown up we have to act that we forget how young we really are. You are 19, you are so incredibly young and you have so much time to become whoever or whatever you want to become. I remember Jane Fonda saying that if you can't do something in your 20s,30s,40s or even 50s, you can still do it in your 60s. I DON'T mean that you won't accomplish all you desire now, because I'm sure you'll definitely get there, but you have a lot of time to get there, to think, to breathe, to exist, to have fun, to have new experiences.

Please remember that you haven't even met all the people who are gonna love you yet. You have so many people who will enter your life later on, as long as you allow them to enter and stay, that can and will love you so much.

If your family is shitty or weird, then you can have your own family, family is not defined to me by blood but by love. So I'm not telling you become pregnant or anything, but your friends can be your family, people you meet along the way can always become family, maybe even family members you'll eventually meet again will rekindle your family relationship.

I'm a bit forgetful (ADHD and trauma not a good combo)so I'm trying to remember what else I was gonna add omg.

You're a sweet girl, you're incredibly talented, if your desire is to become a writer then you're perfect for it already. Honestly I live by, "if Colleen Hoover and Anna Todd can write and publish those damn books, you damn well can too." And I know your books won't suck like theirs do. Full offense to Colleen Hoover fans btw🙃 I expect if you're reading stuff by mommypieck then your taste isn't bad.

Anyway this has been so long and I don't want to overwhelm you, so I'll end it for now, stay safe, and I hope you have a beautiful forever because just wishing you one day isn't enough💖🥺💖.

i am at loss of words.i seriously don't know what to say. thanku so much for this message. it means a world to me really. i am so happy that i have people here who stick with me and actually care what i have to say.i kinda feel bad that you spend so much time, typing all of this. but you seriously gave me hope for better life. thanku so so so so so much. i love u and i appreciate you. thank you again.

Update On My Life:

Hi everyone!

I know it's been a while since I've been active, a lot has been going on in my life recently, and my recently I mean the past year. Just a warning, I do talk about just like anxiety, depression, and dealing with trauma and thoughts of sewer slide.

First, I would just like to thank you guys for being patient with me and my absence. I know I don't have a large following, but I still have people on here who I would chat with occasionally. I haven't been doing well since July of 2023. To sum everything up, I had jumped from relationship to relationship, got cheated on in one, had a fwb relationship for the first time and got my heart broken, and was uhhhh not well mentally lmao. Sorry I'm avoiding trauma dumping. But hey I finally lost my virginity, so that's something.

So for me, whenever I've been in relationships, I kind of neglect my NSFW Tumblr blogs mainly because I don't want my partners finding them and either 1. finding out some kinks that I'm not ready to share, or 2. presume that I am cheating on them or being unfaithful.

I'm also in therapy and I should be starting some anti-anxiety medication that should also help with depression. Yay, Zoloft. Oh yeah! Officially diagnosed with Generalized Anxiety Disorder - not surprised since it runs in my family- and Atypical Depression - I didn't fit the entire criteria for Major Depressive Disorder since my depressive episodes aren't long enough, which also runs in my family - as well as some symptoms relating to PTSD - I don't fit the entire criteria for PTSD I think; I just remember being diagnosed with Acute Stress Disorder. I'll talk to my therapist about that for clarification.

Also, don't be like me and jump from relationship to relationship as a way to distract yourself from the negative feelings from the past one. 1. That just isn't fair to the other person if they are not aware of this, and 2. You need to give yourself time to heal. I never gave that to myself because I thought I was fine. I thought I was better, but my therapist helped me realize that no, I am not better. She had said to me that just because I feel better, that doesn't mean I am actually better, and when she asked me for my thoughts on what she had just said, I realized that I haven't been better for a while. I haven't been better for a long time, which became more obvious when I opened up to her about a traumatic event that happened when I was 12-13 and hadn't talked about in years.

I ended my most recent relationship because I realized that I was in fact not okay and not over my trauma, and the levels of anxiety and feelings of apathy from depressive episodes that I was feeling was affecting my relationship. It was a good relationship, but I probably shouldn't have been in a relationship to begin with at the time considering 1. my grandfather died and that was a bit traumatic to witness, 2. I had just gotten my heart heavily broken, and 3. uhhhh mental health got SUPER bad :] Thoughts of sewer slide, but I'm hanging in!

Alright! Let's get onto the positive stuff! Besides that, the second semester of my second year of college is going super well academically speaking. It's the end of the semester right now, finals are coming up very soon, and I have 2 B's and the rest are A's as of this moment. All I have left now are mostly papers, 2 official finals, and a presentation. I'm also an aunt now! Not too fond of kids myself, but my nephew is the exception lmao, he's pretty cool for a newborn. I've also been reading a book right now called 'Tiny Traumas' to hopefully help me identify some areas in my life that could've contributed to the way I think, act, and feel, and how to move forward. I also finally get to start working, so making some money will be nice. Putting off relationships for a while and focusing on making money and bettering myself

What have I learned? Well, I can't have sex without developing feelings - found that out the hard way, I genuinely DID go through a traumatic experience and I had been downplaying it for years because nothing physical happened, don't trust Gemini men, don't date a 23 year old at 19, DON'T TAKE HIM BACK AFTER HE CHEATS EVEN IF IT WAS ONLY EMOTIONALLY CHEATING, and I cannot do a polyamorous relationship. Scratch that, what I actually learned was that I was a unicorn lmao. At least it makes a good funny story to tell.

So I'm mostly making all of this known to hopefully help feel someone less alone, especially on the NSFW side of Tumblr, as well as to just vent a bit while avoiding trauma dumping. This is also just to help show where I've been and how I'm doing. Besides that, I should be back for good, and I hope you guys are doing well :)

Behaviour

In the years I've been teaching, I have seen the behaviour of teenagers gradually decline to the point where I have felt genuinely scared of them.

But I have a job to do, and I can't do it with these little shits distracting the rest of the class.

So here I am, faking authority, chewing out the three worst trouble-makers in year 11. The final bell has gone for the day, and I can see how pissed off they are at being kept behind, but if I let them get away with bad behaviour then they will continue being disruptive, and I will have a fight on my hands every lesson.

All three boys are taller than me, and that doesn't help, either.

I instruct them to sit on separate tables, and copy and complete the information from the board into their books.

Two of them comply immediately - obviously recognising that the quicker they get it done, the quicker they can go home.

The third boy - Austin - doesn't sit down. He's glaring at me, and I expect he's probably going to grab his bag and walk out, any second now.

"Austin," I say, firmly, "sit down, and get on with the work."

The other two look up to see how this is going to play out.

My heart is hammering against my ribs. This boy does not respect my authority, and there is nothing more I can say or do that will make him do anything he doesn't want to.

"I don't have to do anything you tell me," he sneers.

At this point I don't care if he walks out; I'm starting to feel oddly threatened.

"You're just a pathetic faggot who gets off on on telling people what to do," his face is twisted into an ugly, aggressive expression.

It isn't exactly a secret that I'm gay; I wear a pride pin on my lanyard, and have a small flag pinned over my desk.

I know I have to come down hard on him for using the f-slur, but right now I just really want him to leave.

"Get out," I command, in the steadiest voice I can muster.

The other two boys have stopped writing, and are eagerly watching the drama unfold.

Austin walks towards me and I start to feel a bit sick.

I'm fairly confident that he won't actually lay a hand on me.

Right up until he does.

He pushes me square in the chest, and a combination of his strength and my unreadiness result in me falling backwards against the board.

And then he's right up in my face.

"I bet you think about fucking students," he accuses, face so close to mine I can smell his breath - a combination of sickly sweetness and cigarette smoke.

I am absolutely not attracted to students. If anything, I prefer men older than myself.

"Get away from me," I manage to croak out, but I know how weak my voice sounds. And damnit, I'm shaking.

"If I fucked you, you'd probably enjoy it," and he's making the most aggressive eye contact I've ever seen.

I can hear the other two boys sniggering, and that doesn't fill me with hope - they aren't going to talk him out of any bad choices he's about to make.

"Don't," is all I can say, but then he's gripping my arm and shoving me forward until my legs hit the first desk, and my body folds over it.

He barks an order at the others to lock the door, and then I feel his forearm pushing down on the back of my neck, and his groin pressing hard against my backside.

Surely he wouldn't dare. My mind is racing as I try to think of what I can say or do to de-escalate the situation.

He has me well pinned with only one arm and his body, and the other hand is trying to get at the waistband of my trousers.

He's serious.

I fling my elbow back and hit him pretty ineffectually against the ribs.

"Hold his arms down," Austin instructs the others.

"Don't!" I shout, hopeful that these two won't be stupid enough to get involved with an actual crime.

Unfortunately it turns out they are easily led, and to be honest, given their behaviour in the classroom, I shouldn't have expected them to give any thought to the consequences of their actions.

They each take an arm, pulling on them painfully hard, while Austin gets his hands under my waist and easily defeats the fly of my trousers, tugging them and my underpants down.

I'm in shock. I can't believe it has gone this far.

I can feel air against my exposed buttocks, and despite the humiliation, I hope Austin is just going to laugh, snap a photo, and leave. But I can hear him pulling down his own trousers.

"Don't," I try again. "Don't do it. Austin, seriously, please, you will regret this."

But he's pulling my butt cheeks apart, and I can feel his breath down there for a moment before he spits, rubbing it against my arsehole with a sickening wet noise.

Then his hands are on my hips and I can feel his cock pressing into me.

I don't fight it.

For one thing, I'm more likely to get hurt if I struggle, and for another; the bastard will probably enjoy it more if I do.

I concentrate on breathing steadily through my nose, keeping my eyes and mouth shut, and trying to think about anything other than what is happening.

Then, the boy holding my right arm changes his grip, and I feel the warm, moist head of his cock poking against my closed lips.

I turn my face down towards the table top, but another hand grips the back of my head and forces my face back towards him.

"Yeah, suck his cock," Austin commands, only slightly out of breath despite his frantic thrusting into me.

The hand on the back of my head tightens in my hair and jerks back. My mouth opens involuntarily as I gasp against the pain, and the head of the cock forces its way in.

"Fuck, yeah," Austin snarls, "I bet you fucking love this, you pedo."

I can't breathe enough through my nose, and the cock in my mouth is choking me. Panic starts to take hold, and I can no longer lie still and wait for it to be over. I strain against the hands holding me down, trying to twist and buck.

"You're nothing. You're just holes for us to cum in," Austin continues to berate me, thrusting far harder than necessary; clearly more intent on hurting me than anything else.

But it's the cock in my mouth that's causing me the most pain. I gag as he forces himself to the back of my throat. He's dropped my arm altogether, though I can't use it to do anything useful, and now he's practically suffocating me against his crotch. I can't breathe. I can't breathe.

I can only manage a pathetic whine, and when the boy holding my head finally pulls back so I can gasp a desperate breath, I can't help the sob that escapes.

"No, please!" I beg just before he forces his way back in. He rocks my skull back and forth, casually fucking my mouth.

"Ugh, yeah, that's so good. I'm gonna cum, and you're going to swallow it all down."

I'm bloody well not.

Warm, sour fluid fills my mouth and throat, and I retch, feeling it escaping through my nasal cavity, and out of my mouth.

"You're gonna take my load in your guts like a good whore," Austin finally sounds out of breath as he pounds through my aching muscles. He presses tight up against me, and I can feel his breath on my shoulder.

Then his cock is twitching inside me, and he is otherwise still.

"Fuck, I've got cum on my trousers," the one who raped my mouth complains.

"Yeah, that's normal for you, innit?" The other one laughs.

Austin pulls out of me, and I suddenly feel the full sting of the assault. I wonder if he'll allow me to redress, but I'm still in too much shock to move.

"You guys go, I'll deal with this," he instructs his peers.

When the other two have left the room, I feel Austin's hand gently stroking my still exposed arse.

"You might be a shit teacher, but you make a great whore," he whispers. I see him move around around me and he shifts into my direct line of sight. I can't look at him, and try to turn my head, but he reaches out to hold my face still.

"Next time you think about keeping me behind after school, I'm going to know it's because you want more of this," he smirks.

Then he picks up his bag and leaves. All three student exercise books are still out on the desks, and a quick glance at the clock tells me the cleaner will be here in half an hour.

I take a deep breath. Stand up. Adjust my clothes. Put their books away. Then take a pile of mid term assessments from the side, and sit down with a green pen to mark them.

4, 8, 18 for the fic ask? :)

Thank you!!! :)

4) How do you choose which fics to write? When I was writing fanfic it was mostly by prioritising.

I've said before about my lists. I get an idea - it goes on the list. Say I get an idea for an event - it goes straight to the top, everything else has to wait. When I finish a WIP/there's no events etc. I can then pick off the list. Invariably though what happens is I don't pick the oldest idea, I usually pick whatever is newest because it still has the shiny quality. In some ways the list is a bit of a death sentence for ideas.

8) Post an out-of-context spoiler from a wip I can't really do this because I'm not writing fanfic anymore. Sorry. I post a line off my art the other day about "librarians win with what they know - not magic" but that's all I have for you.

18) Do you enjoy research? Which fic of yours required the most research? Answered here :)

You get two bonus questions because of the repeat/skip :)

3) Do you share your fic ideas, or do you keep them to yourself? This is tricky. There is honestly nothing I like more than talking about my ideas. I can exhaust anyone and everyone. I remember back in the day when we did TMI Tuesday I used to be desperate for people to ask me. I would try and bait the question sometimes. It was probably kinda attention seeking and I should be more sorry than I am. I don't know if this also tied into how I always feel like an outsider. Although I shouldn't be claiming I feel invisible when I've had so many wonderful asks lately (I seriously do appreciate you guys so much).

The trouble is though, what happens if you never get round to writing the idea? Having talked about it, that feels a bit like a promise made, and a debt unpaid. It's never my intention to tease. I just genuinely love my ideas and wish I could will them into existence. I want to read them!

All of this is about fanfic ^^ and I mostly don't talk about my doomed ideas anymore. Sometimes I'll make a reference because I'm nostalgic, because I wish I had got round to writing it. Also because I wish it could live somewhere other than in my head.

For my original novels I'll make vague references sometimes, and I would love to talk about them, but I'm hesitant to share. I'm protective I guess.

24) How do you choose whose POV to write in? (in which I apparently have a lot to say)

Ah POV. AO3 will show a clear divide. Probably most of my Once stuff was back before I trained myself out of 'head hopping'. It's... can I say frowned upon in original writing? I don't want to sound judgemental. Having a clear POV and not shifting within a scene, is recommended best practice, put it that way.

Anyway, initially once I stopped I found it very confining. I see stories in my head like they are TV episodes. If there are multiple characters in the scene, then each has a perspective and sometimes with conflict I wanted to see all of those sides. But I couldn't with maintaining POV.

Except you can.

It's magic that I have only just discovered (thank you to the ridiculous number of writing craft books I got last summer). So you are in the head of Character A who is talking with Character B. Now Character A is going to be an unreliable narrator because what they see is flavoured by their perspective. So they can observe that Character B is frowning, and distracted looking out the window rather than at them, and they think they sound terse. So Character A concludes that they are mad at them about X that happened earlier BUT compare those noticed cues with the words that Character B chooses. Perhaps an off-hand mention that the post is late today. You can make enough suggestions that perhaps Character B has something else going on.

Next scene the post drops on the mat and Character B is about to hurl as they sort through the letters, and it becomes clear what their POV was in the previous scene. You don't need to recap and have Character B think over the past scene to do their thoughts on it (I was terrible for this when I first stopped headhopping). The reader is smart and you can infer a LOT.

As for choosing what POV to go with, a few factors play in. First does the character have a unique take on the scene? Something that can't be inferred so easily. What about the surrounding scenes? As the example I just made up above, by switching POV in the next scene you can add depth. So there's balance to consider.

If a character is a POV, generally speaking they are a main character and they will have POV given to them more than once in the story. Now this isn't always true because POV is a technique and you can play with it. Also I just realised I'm making assumptions about the POV being limited, and of course you can do omniscient narrator and the like but I don't personally. A good rule of thumb though is that readers will tend to bond with POV characters more (makes sense, we've been in their head, it's a closer relationship), hence the number of POV's in a story should be limited, and the characters need to prove they are worthy of getting a POV.

When writing a romance it's quite common to split POV in half between the couple. I have to be honest when writing any of my fanfic I never counted scenes to make sure the division was equal. POV is something I tend to assign by feel. I want to make sure the pacing is correct. That a character doesn't get forgotten in say the back half of the story (this is especially important when the POV shifts due to subplots).

Anyway yeah basically I pick the POV based on who I think we need to hear from at that point in the story.

Jessica Jones S1E6

I DID THE BULLETPOINTS AGAIN! I impress even myself.

Bastard bastarding all over the place.

If he's been Kilgrave'd you can't fight him. Yeah like Jess said.

What happened to Luke? Is it in his series??

"Conversation" so that's what happened.

Jess come on, you're the one that broke up with him. You can't ask that.

Sissy Garcia. What a name.

I like Sissy Garcia, let it be known!

Oh FUck.

Kilgrave is the antithesis of subtle, how has he never been investigated or caught before this?

Oof he's salty. And it's deserved I suppose.

She's a great PI, love her.

Her terrible high-pitched phone voice is so funny.

Voice of Reason Luke Cage! It is gonna be so damn funny to see him, Jess and Matt in Defenders. He's gonna have an aneurysm.

Aw Malcolm trying to help Jess. I love him so much.

That was a little passive-aggressive, Jeri. I want to believe she genuinely likes Pam but also she's a bitch.

"First, the divorce." Words to live by.

Ooh Malcolm spilled. Probably shouldn't have done that but hey, Jessica definitely wasn't gonna start the conversation.

Luke is correct in saying it's not her fault, but I wonder if he'll stick by it when he finds out.

DON'T KISS HIM HE DOESN'T KNOW.

Love that running from intimacy - OH SHIT SHE GOT BACK IN BED? STEPS.

Oh god. Jess, you gotta tell him.

Oh nooooooo.

Okay so Kilgrave wanted whatever Reva hid and then killed her. Fuck. Jess you have to tell him!!

Malcolm is on the "Jessica needs therapy" train and he is right. Choo choo motherfuckers.

Are his powers still fucked? How long do the drugs last?

Oh buddy. Lying does not work in the long-term. Jess and Matt both have this problem and I Haaate it.

That's a lot of pot(s).

Convenient dogs to distract Luke are convenient.

"I pray my dick get big as the Eiffel Tower." POETRY.

That poor plant! The collateral damage is so heartbreaking :( Glad the dogs are good tho.

This fight feels. Chill?

JESS DO NOT LEAVE HIM??? WHAT THE FUCK.

Bad decisions, being made right in front of my eyes. Honestly, at this point Luke, the red flags are sirens. Why are you still here.

Also, for clarification: I like Jess! I don't think Reva's death was her fault. But this is no basis for a relationship, especially when he DOESN'T KNOW.

DA TRUTH. IT IS HERE. Oh no it's not. It SHOULD be but you keyed its car tires and now it's stuck on the side of the road, lonely and cold.

Honey do NOT kill that man. How many times must I say that to people on this show.

Hoe don't do it!

Unstoppable force vs immovable object.

THE TRUTH HITCHHIKED! IT HAS ARRIVED FASHIONABLY LATE.

YEAH. YEAH SHE DID SLEEP WITH YOU. IT WAS A BAD IDEA.

"It just happened." You just fell on his dick??

The fallout. It is devastating.

See this probably wouldn't have hurt half as much if you'd just. Told him.

This is excruciating, ow. My tearducts.

Ohhh the cut to Malcolm. Perfect.

DNA samples? But for the case or for the powers? Why do you trust Jeri, Jess, she is so sketch.

Why does Kilgrave want a house?? Is it for his sick domestic fantasies or something?

Oh fuck. Yeah ok it's her childhood home. Of course it is, fuck.

He is so damn CREEPY. I'm disgusted.

physical therapy today.. ride is going to be hell. my neck and shoulder have been soo messed up (I went on a short bird walk like last week and I think I like.. did something, fucked up my shoulder somehow, bc of how I held the binoculars? wasn't a long walk bc I'm not capable of that but yeah :( really sucks bc it was fun but idk if I could even hold them at all now)

I think I might be having some shoulder subluxations at times?? might be totally wrong but like it just feels. really off sometimes. and then it pops or cracks in a way that's a lot more extreme or just weird-feeling than usual? (it's always popping cracking shifting, all my joints are, but sometimes it's like. Different.) I think I'm not great at identifying subluxations bc I don't think I get them a lot, but my main point of reference for dislocations/subluxations is. my knees. and when that happens to your knees you fucking KNOW lol so I think I'm expecting like even minor subluxations to be like extremely painful complete incapacitation? but like.. anyways what I call knee subluxations are actually like full dislocations, they just pop back in immediately (after I collapse) most of the time (with one very painful exception lol. that sucked) . I think maybe I'm actually having some more minor subluxations in my knee sometimes without knowing it (is it even possible to have like smaller subluxations in the knee or are the only options In or Out?? I'm too afraid to google it bc thinking about knee shit makes me terrified), like my knee just feels weird and I can't really put weight on it (or am too afraid to try) until I flex it around a bit and I can feel it pop/shift in a major way. (but like obviously not full dislocation level.. I can still move it after all lol).

no idea if that's true though. maybe I'm not having any subluxations and my joints are just being weird but in a non-subluxation way. genuinely idk

anyways I really hope my PT will have some advice or be able to help me somehow with my shoulder bc it's just like Bad for real. it's not just the normal joint pain shit something is UP. I don't think I have an impinged nerve or anything but I am getting some really weird sensations sometimes too

will be wearing my neck brace in the car (the soft one probably... don't think I'm supposed to wear a hard one even for something like that, but I wore one—idk why my mom had one but she did so that's cool—for a while when I was sleeping on a day when it really hurt and that thing fucking ruled). that should help a bit but honestly not much. at least I'm only a passenger since I can't drive lol but I can't take ibuprofen until after PT (or like. feel like I shouldn't, don't want to risk hurting myself without knowing it, need that sensation of pain to be safe... although it's not like ibuprofen even helps that much anyways lol) and since the drive there is an hour and a half and then there's the pt appointment itself.. and the ibuprofen won't start kicking in until we're almost home... and my shoulder and neck are already killing me and feeling tingly and numb and we haven't even left yet.. it's gonna be bad

think I'm going to download a collection of shirley jackson short stories to read on the way. maybe that'll distract me. really need to get like.. functional headphones so I can listen to music or podcasts in the car (I do NOT need my dad hearing the podcasts I listen to lol) bc with the current ones I have I can't hear anything with them, noise of the road just drowns everything out

A Distracting Dazai

DazaiXReader

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let's just say that this idea popped up during one of my online classes...god knows why that has to do with this but uhh hope u enjoy it.^^

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oops this is longer than I attend it to be but meh

_

This was supposed to be a very, very short report to be working on.

My mind set was that I need to finish this report, eat a light lunch, take a quick shower, and slump on the bed.

That's it. that's all I really need

But I guess miracles don't really exist in my life.

Especially not when I am dating someone who is currently annoying the hell out of Kunikida-san.

Not a minute passes that I have to get up from what I am doing to stop my superior from choking my boyfriend to death.

Atsushi-kun would always tell me that I should sit down and finish my business while he deals with his mentor. I always refused the proposal because Atsushi had to deal with his mentor daily, and Atsushi suffered from Dazai’s shenanigans even before we started dating.

Yup, you guessed it I am dating the suicidal maniac, the bandage-wasting machine, the one and only...

Dazai Osamu.

It's funny really how we both fell in love with each other. that's what Kunikida-san tells me literally each time Dazai annoys him or while he clings on me like a baby, even Atsushi who supports our relationship with all his heart because he is happy that Dazai is taking it easy and slowly his mask is dropping and generally becoming more happier and healthier and more...human. which I am very grateful for.

But just like Kunikida-san, Atsushi would often hold both of my hands and look straight into my eyes, and say: "as much as I am happy for Dazai-san, but please if he is a bother please don't hesitate to punch him in the face." which caught me off guard hearing that from a very sweet and innocent person like Atsushi.

I always chuckle and thank him for his concern but I always remind him and myself at the same time that as long as he is with me I have to bear with his tactics no matter how crazy they are, and no matter how annoying and clingy he can be, I would certainly love him with whole my heart.

I smiled a genuine smile at that but was cut short when I heard a heavy slump in front of my desk.

Speak of the devil...

"y/n-channnn~"

From the sound of it, I think that everyone left back to their dorms. but I probably was too focused that I didn't hear their goodbyes and goodnights.

I tried to focus on continuing my work by pretending that I didn't hear him nor felt his presence not until two bandaged hands grabbed mine and put them down from writing. I sighed, and glanced and saw him looking at my hand with a frown expression and said: "you really shouldn't pressure yourself to finish everything today y/n-chan, you do know that there is always another day for that, right...?" he squeezed my hands a little tighter and his frown deepened.

That caught my attention. ever since we started dating I started to learn more and more about Dazai and kind of read his expression and his true feelings, but now I don't know if he is worried or...

"Are you distracting me?"

he looked up and blinked a few times before giggling like a high school girl. “no...no not really, but seriously though can't you finish this on another day? I really wanna go back and have a cuddle with you..." he started to play with my fingers.

I stared at him for a few seconds before shaking my head fondly at his childish behavior which to me I found endearing. "you do realize I've been working on this report for a week now? I try to finish it but a certain someone always makes me postpone it to another day" I replied.

"Oh? and who would that someone be?" he tilted his head in total confusion.

I looked him straight in the eyes with a warm and loving gaze. Atsushi was right ever since we started dating. Dazai's eyes seem to...how can I describe it? it gives a beautiful and soft vibe coming only from these two beautiful hazel-like honey eyes.

I shifted my hands a bit to change our holding hand position to me stroking his upper hands with my thumbs. "I'm really glad Kunika-san isn't here and heard you, or you could've ended up being strangled by him and I have to come to the rescue"

Dazai pouted at me and said: “don't tell me that you are talking about me, y/n-chan"

"Mmm?~ maybe or maybe not I'll let you decide"

Dazai let go of my hands and clutched his chest in a very dramatic way "y/n-chan...I'm wounded! not only my partner wants to strangle me until I lose my breath, and also my one and only sweet subordinate is slowly becoming so rude to me..." he stopped and glared at me...well not a scary glare if it weren't for that pout and chubby cheeks of his "but also my lovely girlfriend who starting to become evil and joining their cult gradually" he crossed his arms and laid back while deepening his already there pout.

I looked at him smugly and rested my cheek on my hands "well...maybe we are doing this because we care about you. haven't thought about it that way?" I said softly but knew that the way I said was not pure at all.

"I never knew rudeness was a caring language, besides the fact that I nearly got killed by my partner multiple times which is definitely not a neat way to die" he sighed dramatically.

"Well, you are a torture to the poor man. who's having a hard time sleeping because of you"

"Y/n-chan! how could you stand up for that idealist freak Kunikida-kun and not for your handsome boyfriend!" he flailed his hand in a very, very childish way.

Is this guy seriously an adult?

"Yup! I only stand up for more superior and more mature people! sorry, dear" I answered in a fake sad tone.

Dazai gaped at me before slumping back to his desk and burying his head onto his crossed hands “you're evil..."

I chuckled at his actions and started to pat and stroke his soft and curly brown locks and peeked at me with a glare but nevertheless started to melt through my touch and closed his eyes which is so adorable.

"You are just like a baby, you know that, right?" I cooed. Dazai opened his eyes and looked at me for a second and closed his eyes and leaned more onto my touch.

I let go of him and mirrored his position but instead of hiding my face I was looking at him. he raised his head curiously about why I stopped only to find that I was a few inches away from his face.

No matter how annoying this man can be, how crazy his actions are, how clingy he is. I'll forever adore this man for my whole life.

I cupped his cheek with one hand and started to stroke it, my heart melted when he leaned onto the touch like a cat. I spoke with a soft tone: "you know that I love you right?"

"From the way you are talking to me am starting to doubt it..." he paused and slowly opening his eye to find out that I'm already smiling and looking at him softly. he stared at my eyes as if he is searching for any hint of a lie, I guess he couldn't find any because his eyes softened and slight blush on his cheeks “...but if we have to be even.." he holds onto my hand the one that's on his cheek"...I love you too, so much"

I flushed from that I let got and straighten up "now that was an absolute distraction right there" he smirked and rested his head on his hands "of course you did, you were so into my handsome, and beautiful face that you actually stopped working on your report~"

"Yeah, sure, whatever" I huffed and shortly turned into a small smile "but let me tell you one thing..." I got up I spread out across our desk so I can give him a peck on the nose and whispered "...if we return back without me finishing up this report no cuddles for you, dear"

I sat back and heard him gasp oh so loudly and started whining like a big baby he is "y/n-chan!!!! whyyyyy~"

Aaaand we're back to square one.

Nu’s: 06/26/’21

About a LONG time ago, I set up reminders on my phone for posting/reposting content. It was a way to manage my presence online because putting things on a schedule helps me a lot. One of these reminders was every Sunday, uploading content to Tumblr. Posts that have my thoughts for the week that just passed and the week that we are getting into. So!! That’s what I am going to start doing and I am going to be as consistent as possible. 

We call this Nu’s (pronounced: news) It’s not necessarily news but its the best name I could come up with LOL. The goal is to post a short/medium lil ‘whatever’ that you can read and that might help or just entertain you regarding my life, followed by small photo dumps. Let’s start today:

Last week... 

A lot was going on. From the end of April up until about the middle of June, I'd been very comfortable. In all aspects of my life too. I was becoming content to the point that anything outside of the bare minimum, just seemed like a burden. I took a mental break from all of my passions and routines and got lost into the world. Yes, it’s good to have a break, but for me, once I step away from something long enough... getting back into it is ten time harder. I neglected my diet, my morning/night routines, my passions, and was more focused on the things stressing me out (work, school, other people’s burdens). Didn't realize it at the time, but I was losing my drive and ignoring whatever I was truthfully feeling. It felt weird and I ignored how I really felt about it and did pretty much whatever. BUT its not as bad as I am making it sound. I was just distracted and kind of being lazy. Ignoring EVERYTHING except for showering and smoking. Luckily, ever since June things have been just shifting, forcing me to look at life in a whole different aspect. I started to notice a pattern in the type of people that are around me now... very genuine, very inspiring. If you don't look up to the people around you or at the least admire them, get from around them and thank me later! Seeing all these changes made me also look at the changes within AND I finally started addressing how I truthfully feel. 

I am a little hurt by the bonds I am losing. I am a little hurt by the fact that I've had to make so many decisions that I knew I didn't want to but are best for me. I have entered an era where my first thought is “wow that really sucks and I really don't want to feel like this because I have to [insert task/situation that sucks]” and my second thought is “but ultimately this is helping, whether I see it now or not.” because its true! All these times where im like... down bad and feeling sad or feeling lost, it brings me back into realizing who I am, what I want and helps me to get closer to my purpose. Seriously. I know emotions are real, but they only go so far. I’ve learned that FEELING is okay, but acting impulsively or immediately becoming negative about that feeling is what makes me dwell and sit in my sadness and Im not doing that anymore. If there isn't a solution, and it’s out of my control. OR there is a solution, but I did my part, then there is really nothing else I can do, you know? I am learning that I am in control of myself, and my space and what I want. Everything outside of that gets thought...but not so much thought that it becomes overthinking. Even a complicated life can be simple. 

I never believed in astrology or the retrograde or whatever, but I am starting to only because it makes TOO much sense. I think astrology can really benefit whoever invests just a lil time into it. Don't ask me how, but I just feel that way. I don't think I will ever wholeheartedly believe in it, but little things like astrology, numerology, the concept of manifestation, religion, gives you rules and boundaries to life that can lead to you wanting to attain your goals, or feeling inspired in general. I say that to say, this retrograde... I LOVED! It sucked so bad you guys, and when it was over (which I didn't know until the day of) I cried so much because all the emotions I didn't know I was suppressing finally exposed itself. I realize my work isn't done, and i’ve done enough holding things off and using temporary things to suffice. I had a break up too, it wasn't bad at all to be honest. Short relationship that taught me a lot that literally was the whole retrograde from start to finish, which is crazy too. It taught me so much about myself and humbled me in realizing that I shouldn't be comfortable just yet. I still have a lot to learn about myself, how to communicate, my passions. I still have dreams to attain. I still have me, and I can't just get lost and live without feeling because the feelings always catch up to you. Everything that has happened sucks, but I couldn't imagine where I'd be had nothing went left or nothing happened. Probably still physically wandering while being mentally disconnected. 

THIS WEEK THOUGH, 

I'm tapped into my potential! I keep on forgetting what im capable of. I’ve done so much for myself because I'm VERY driven when I want to be. Now that I am older, I have to be the one who holds myself accountable for what I put my energy into...the people, the projects, my passions, even what I eat... and I have to be careful.  Thinking deep enough that I understand the bigger picture, but not so deep that I lose sight of the smaller pictures along the way. corny, but I hope it makes sense. 

That’s all for today, I could go on forever. BUT here are the photo dumps for this post AND I will catch you next time. 

Nu <3

Torn (Part 2) H.S.

I've been standing here for what seems like forever trying to think of something to say to keep the conversation going with this handsome stranger known as Harry. I don't want the conversation to end yet and lucky for me he breaks the silence so I don't have to.

"I really am sorry. Lucky for you but not so much for me I missed your white shirt." He says with a cheeky smile. I wanna be offend by his inappropriate comment but I can only laugh and shake my head in return when I see his smirk appear.

"Can I buy you a drink to make up for it?" He asks still staring right at me and I can't seem to look away.

"That's okay, I've already had a few and I was actually planning on leaving soon," I respond forcing myself to look away from his intense stare.

"Leaving!? Already!? It's still early, I just got here!" He responds dramatically like it's the craziest thing he's heard. I can't help but laugh at his response.

"Well I've been here for a bit already and as much fun as it is to watch drunk girls trip on the dance floor. I think it's time for me to go," I say back sarcastically smiling like an idiot when I hear him chuckle.

"Come on, I'm meeting some people you can hang with us!" He offers. His determination to have me stay makes my insides melt. His tall figure has moved closer to me as we continue to talk over the loud noise in the crowded club and I can smell his cologne on his black T-shirt and it's intoxicating me more than the three drinks I have had.

"Actually I'm here with some friends who are probably wondering where I am so I better..." I trail off as I start to walk away from his intoxicating aroma secretly hoping he'll stop me.

"Wait!" Harry responds gently wrapping his large hand around my arm and I turn to face him again.

"Yea?" I smile to myself while turning to face him satisfied that my plan worked.

"Could I get your number then if you really are leaving," He says his giant grin returning but his voice sounds more unsure than I expected. He is still making direct eye contact his gaze so tense I feel like I can't breath for a minute.

"Harry!!!!" I hear a familiar voice yell from behind me ending whatever moment was just happening.

I turn to see Julie running up as she collides into Harry wrapping her arms around his neck tightly. His smile fades for a minute but returns quickly as he hugs her back.

"Where have you been? I've been waiting for you to show up!" Julie says in a joking way, but I know she is actually serious. Just as Harry goes to respond Julie notices me before I can sneak away.

"Allie! I was just coming to look for you! Have you already met Harry?" She asks looking between the two of us genuinely curious.

"Umm yeah. Sort of. We kind of ran into each other when I was leaving the bathrooms." I tell her. I decide to leave out the part about his drink spilling all over me and everything else that happened. It felt personal and there definitely seems to be something going on between her and Harry. He looks at me a little surprised. I am assuming because I didn't say anything about him asking for my number two seconds ago but he doesn't say a word.

"Oh well, Harry this is Allie my best friend, Allie this is Harry!" Julie says slightly slurred and a little too loud.

"Nice to meet you," We say at the same time in an awkward exchange this time avoiding eye contact. Julie doesn't seem to notice the weird tension between us.

The three of us start walking back to the table Julie walking between Harry and I. I try not to stare when Julie slips her hand into Harry's. My mind is racing trying to remember if Julie ever mentioned a new guy but she never said a word about Harry to me which is very unlike her. She never even mentioned a guy and she still hasn't hinted at filling me in later. I feel a hint of jealousy arise and push it down. What the hell is wrong with me. I don't even know him. But if he asks for my number while he obviously has a thing with Julie it is probably better that I don't.

When we return to the table I purposely sit on the opposite side as far away from Julie and Harry as I can get. Which happens to be right next to Sam who is less awkward now that he is intoxicated. I try my best to focus on whatever story Sam is currently talking about but I can't help myself from looking over the table at Harry every few minutes. I look up and catch his green eyes for the millionth time tonight. I curse under my breath at myself. I can't do this all night, whatever this is.

"Hey I'm going to the bathroom if anyone asks." I whisper to Sam as I leave the table trying to sneak away while everyone else is distracted with conversation.

Deciding the rest of the night will be better spent in bed I grab an Uber instead of returning to the table and text Julie from the car telling her I headed home and I will see her in the morning. Of course she doesn't respond, but I didn't expect her to anyway.

When I get home I shower, and put on my favorite giant T-shirt to sleep in. I'm climbing into bed with my glass of ice water and popcorn ready to binge watch a new show until I fall asleep when my phone goes off on my nightstand. I groan reaching for my phone because I don't feel like talking to Julie tonight. But instead of Julie I find an unknown number on the screen followed by a text.

Unknown: Are you okay? Did you go home? Why did you just leave and not say anything!

At first I assume it's Sam because I lied and said I was going to the bathroom but Sam has never been much for calling people out and I remember that I have his number saved in my phone already. I get a weird feeling like I know who's number it is and a smile forms subconsciously on my face at the thought. But I remind myself he obviously has something going on with Julie and it probably is not him. And I shouldn't want it to be him.

Me: Who's this?

I text back.

Harry: It's Harry obviously!

His first message comes through and I laugh at his assumption that I should already know it is him.

Harry: And you didn't answer my questions!

He texts right after making me roll my eyes at this strange situation.

Harry: Are you okay? Are you back home already?

The texts flow in one after another my heart starts pounding as my stomach drops.

The first thing that comes to mind is how does he have my number because we never had the chance to exchange them at the club and more importantly why does he have it. I've been staring at the texts for a few minutes trying to decide if I should just not respond all together even though all I really want to do is respond immediately with a snarky sarcastic and flirty comment. I can't help but wonder if he is still with Julie. Are they dating? Is it serious? They are definitely more than friends because I watched her lace her fingers with his while they were walking. Why hasn't she told me about him. My curiosity gets the best of me and next thing I know I am texting him back.

Me: How do you have my number?

I type out and I have a feeling he won't stop asking so I throw in,

Me: Also I'm fine, already home.

And I send it.

Harry: I got it off Julie's phone. Okay good! Why didn't you say anything? You just left!

He responds almost immediately. I read the text and read it again. He got my number from Julie's phone!? My mind is racing. There is no way she just gave it to him I know her too well, she would automatically be on the fence. Which means he stole it. But the question I keep asking myself tonight is why? He is with Julie why does he even care that I left. I had one conversation with him. AND he is with Julie!

Me: I told you earlier I was planning on leaving. I was tired and just ready to go home. I texted Julie and told her.

Short and to the point I read it again and hit send. The truth is I couldn't stand to watch Julie put her hands all over him for another second so I bolted before anyone could ask why I was leaving. But there is no way in hell I was going to say that.

A few minutes past with no response so I am hoping my simple answer and mentioning Julie again was enough to stop the conversation, but I am out of luck when my phone dings again.

Harry: You should have said something. Everyone was worried.

He texts back to my surprise.

Me: They were worried? Please they were all too drunk to notice I even left the table.

I send back annoyed without thinking and almost immediately regret it. That makes me sound like a bitch and really I am not annoyed with them I am just annoyed with him. Even though he didn't do anything really.

Harry: Okay, I was worried.

My heart feels like it might burst from my chest and I can't get the stupid smile off my face as I read the message. I don't even know him, why is he having this effect on me. Why the hell did he say that. My head feels foggy from the whole night and confused by Harry. And Harry and Julie. And the three drinks I had.

I decide the best thing to do is not respond no matter how bad I want to. So I set an alarm for tomorrow so I don't sleep all day and place my phone on the nightstand to keep the temptation away. I roll over shoving my pillow over my head and keep repeating "he has a thing with Julie" over and over again to try and get the image of his green eyes out of my head.

Janis & Grace

Janis: [Later AM after] Janis: so what's the scoop Janis: did it work Grace: OMG so you're talking to me now? Janis: what can I say Janis: giving you time and space to get busy 👌 Grace: EW Grace: giving it to yourself babes 👌 Grace: but now you've worn him out, yeah? Janis: Hush Janis: this is your debrief, what you wasting time talking 'bout me for Janis: usually LOVE to chat on yourself, like 😏 Grace: duh it's waaaaaaaaaaaay more interesting Grace: I know how my night went Grace: 🙄🙄🙄 Janis: that good, yeah? Janis: he was actually unbearable Grace: that predictable Grace: boys always are Grace: I TOLD YOU! ugh Janis: well he obvs had his reasons for being there Janis: bet he was so butthurt Grace: honestly! he's sent me so many texts Grace: boy stop I'm taking the longest shower of my life & you aren't invited Janis: gross Janis: just her type Grace: OMG she's 😠😠😠 Grace: I can't even be annoyed at you for leaving & leaving me muted cos you two really went off 👏 Janis: Good Janis: she deserves it Janis: also glad it weren't a wasted evening 'cos not getting that time/braincells back, thanks ryan 😒 Grace: IKR Grace: living only for the content I can get out of him 🙄🙄 Janis: never off, you Grace: I don't have a cute white boy distracting me rn so sorry Janis: 💔💔 Janis: erm, tell mum and dad i'm going away for a bit will you Janis: cba Grace: LITERALLY Grace: it's tragic Grace: UM EXCUSE YOU WHAT? Grace: where are you going?? Janis: my heart bleeds for you, babe 😂 Janis: idk yet just away for a bit before dreaded School Grace: no it does not 🙄🙄 Grace: ugh that's so unfair Janis: this town is awash with 'em Janis: not all dick is attached to bigger dickheads, like Grace: OMG your boyfriend gave me that same speech Grace: 💕 Janis: Yeah Janis: rehearsed that, like 😑 Grace: 😂😂😂 Grace: are you literally going now?? Janis: oh yeah Janis: can you babysit Janis: meant to ask Grace: I repeat Grace: like now??! Or Janis: how many days we got left off? Grace: 2 if you're coming back when school starts Grace: but like why would you Janis: exactly Janis: so can ya then, only need to do it 'til they're back at School Grace: the sister too? Janis: she'll probably do her own thing, that's cool Janis: mainly the boy Grace: Phew! Grace: I can already tell she's not gonna like me Grace: 😱😱 Grace: but sure I said I would Janis: don't take it personal Janis: 👍 Janis: tell you when we're actually gone Grace: okay babes Grace: what's the deal with his dad tho Grace: I don't need that drama Janis: he's just a prick but he'll be at work Janis: I'll get Cass to agree to be back 'fore he is and you'll be sound Grace: sounds like just my type Grace: so that shouldn't be a problem Janis: 💀 Janis: I think not Grace: oh please I'm joking Grace: not THAT desperate Grace: 👌👌👌 Janis: oh good, can stop moaning 'bout it then 😏 Grace: you're so rude Grace: I haven't even said anything Janis: I'm joking Janis: although Grace: 🙄🙄🙄 Grace: sure biitch Grace: Mia's been defeated you don't have to be nice to me anymore Grace: not that you were Janis: charming Janis: she's a 🐍 Janis: gotta cut her into at least 7 parts 'fore she's actually dead init Grace: duh Grace: but who has the time or the energy Janis: you 'til you find a white boy, apparently Grace: excuse you, you don't even believe I can count to 7 Grace: & I said CUTE there are white boys everywhere Grace: but that's like 🦄 Janis: know your standards aren't that high Grace: UM how dare you Janis: 😂 Janis: tell me I'm wrong Grace: I brought my ex to one party let me live Grace: & he brought me really so Grace: ugh Grace: 😱😱😱 Janis: what were you thinking Grace: I obvs wasn't Grace: he got me so drunk 🙄 Janis: he didn't just drop by of his own volition Janis: you were already pissed so Grace: CAN you NOT judge me thanks Grace: & don't even I was not Janis: yes you were Janis: don't lie Grace: OMG Grace: stop calling me a liar Grace: you always do Janis: well why bother Janis: you clearly were, I was talking to you Janis: it's more embarrassing acting like that was you sober Grace: why what did I do? Janis: at the party or in the conversation Janis: either way, don't matter now Grace: well it does if you're holding so much cringe against me or something Grace: what did I say before? obvs I was drunk at the party I said so Janis: nah, I ain't Janis: nothing you wouldn't say sober no doubt Grace: ugh fine Janis: why you wanna know so bad Janis: scroll if you wanna 💀 Grace: cos you're being a bitch to me over it Janis: 🙄 Janis: ain't I always Janis: what's new Grace: exactly Grace: so boring Grace: I'm sure there's something I've done more recently you can call me out over Janis: 💔 Janis: why would I do that Grace: you literally just said Grace: you always do Grace: what's new, babes Janis: nah Janis: I'd have to care, like you said, you're on mute Janis: you just like to feel #attacked Grace: 🙄🙄🙄 Grace: not today tho Grace: not now you need something Janis: ain't me Janis: you owe, we're cashing in Janis: simple as Grace: I don't owe you anything & you still want me to tell mum & dad for you Janis: don't then Janis: I don't care Grace: obvs Janis: what's your point Grace: my point is & was I was being nice to you Grace: & you're rude Janis: No, you weren't Janis: and you never are Janis: so likewise Grace: who's feeling #attacked now, hun Grace: cos I literally was Janis: so nice Janis: wow Janis: miss congeniality Janis: been friends with them too long, you've got no idea how to be nice, or what that even is Grace: I've got no idea how to talk to you cos I'm always on mute Grace: 🙄🙄🙄 Janis: doesn't stop you Janis: God loves a trier Grace: well excuse me Grace: I won't talk to you then fine Janis: okiedokie Janis: later Grace: just tell me when you're going Grace: or get your boyfriend to Janis: obviously Janis: I already said Grace: are you gonna tell mum & dad? Janis: no Janis: why would i Grace: cos they'll freak out if you just vanish duh Grace: send a text it's not like it's hard Janis: if you're concerned do it yourself Grace: OMG Grace: we literally have the chillest parents ever why do you want them to freak out Janis: if they're so chill then what's the issue Grace: you know what the issue is Grace: do you wanna be her now? Janis: 🙄 Janis: obvs Janis: never did fuck all to know where she was so it'll be fine Grace: that's not even close to being true Grace: they looked for her all the time Grace: 🙄🙄🙄 Janis: what, like it was hard Janis: sure Grace: what like it's hard to just tell them you're going? Grace: just stop being such a bitch Janis: nah Janis: just chill out, if you wanna bum 'em so hard Grace: I'm trying to help you, bitch Grace: ugh Janis: sure Janis: i'm doing what i want so how'd you work that one out Grace: sorry your boyfriend is apparently so boring you need the drama Grace: OMG Janis: what drama Janis: they're so chill so cool wow Janis: so lucky Grace: 🙄🙄🙄 Janis: get over it, grace, no one else gives a shit Grace: get over yourself first Grace: cos yeah they do Janis: wow parents of the year Janis: why don't you make them an award Grace: shut up Janis: when you're the only one that still cares and you still aren't the favourite Janis: sad times Grace: Rio's always gonna be the fave Grace: duh Janis: gotta make it seem intentional Grace: whatever Grace: I'm not bored enough ever to talk about our family dysfunction for this amount of time so Janis: piss off then? Janis: literally never trying to talk to any of you, least of all you Grace: you popped up in my inbox babes Grace: but nice try Janis: to cash a favour Janis: but good one Grace: you could have done that in 1 line Grace: why are you still here? Janis: omg please tell mummy and daddy Grace: please go away Janis: devastating Janis: so nice, you Janis: as nice as they are chill 🤞 Grace: you've told me repeatedly how nice I'm not Grace: so enjoy being right Janis: oh babes Janis: is sarcasm really lost on you Janis: genuinely didn't think you were that thick, awkward Grace: yeah sure tell me how stupid I am again Grace: we've reached that point in the convo Grace: fabulous Janis: Gotta try and make it stick Janis: working with with you're giving me here, very little Grace: why? you don't care & you never wanna talk to me so Janis: common good Janis: counts as community service Grace: sure Janis: are you so deluded you think I talk to you for some sense of fun Grace: I don't actually spend time trying to think about why you do anything anymore, babes Janis: 👌 Janis: dead convincing that Grace: too stupid to figure you out obvs Janis: awh Janis: too much of a cunt to care, more like it Grace: I care Grace: & according to you too much Grace: so like ?? Grace: try making sense Janis: try keeping up Janis: know the synapses are signed but come on Janis: singed* Grace: I just can't keep up with you, hun Grace: you're miles ahead duh Janis: does that make you feel good about yourself, yeah? Grace: oh please Grace: I never feel good about myself & we've covered that Janis: ugh shut up Janis: whine whine whine Janis: no wonder your ex would rather be looking at himself Grace: you wanna slag me off but I can't join in? Grace: typical Janis: we've all heard it a billion times Grace: same goes for everything you're saying rn so Grace: I've heard it more than a billion times from you Janis: and what? Janis: I don't care about your feelings, or how bored you pretend to be, is what you fail to grasp Grace: obvs Grace: tell me a few more times how much you don't care, yeah? Janis: I will Janis: there's literally nothing you can say, why are you still here Grace: Then stop talking to me OMG Janis: no Janis: make me Grace: I obvs can't Janis: yet I can ignore you, craziness Janis: that's what's so funny Grace: 👏 Grace: mhmm so funny that you don't care about anything but I care about you Grace: sure Janis: now you're getting it Grace: maybe I'm not entirely stupid Grace: phew Grace: what a relief like Janis: let's not get carried away Grace: 😂😂😂 Janis: cute though Grace: thanks so much Janis: do as you want anyway, tell 'em I've started on the meth if you reckon it'll kick 'em into action Grace: I'm not telling them anything Janis: good, we're on the same page for once Janis: hooray Grace: 👏 Janis: 🙌🎉 Grace: [is ignoring] Janis: [emojibombs her to blow her phone up] Grace: [somehow ignoring how annoying that is] Janis: can you tell your friend to get out my inbox Grace: no Janis: 🙄 Janis: save the backbone for her she's slagging you off Grace: I'm sure she is Janis: not Mia Janis: the other one Grace: like I said, I'm sure she is Janis: fuck's sake Janis: not much use alive are you Grace: not to you obvs Grace: mute her it's not difficult Janis: not to them if you aren't gonna play the game Janis: sort it out Grace: what do you think the game is? Grace: I annoyed Mia, as planned, of course they're all slagging me off Grace: duh Janis: yeah and you need to go grovel like you always do so you can be bffs forever Janis: this ain't my first rodeo either Grace: I don't need to do anything Grace: so if you'll excuse me Janis: I won't Janis: seriously, control your friends Grace: no thanks Janis: stop being such a useless cunt Grace: stop talking to me like that Grace: or ever preferably Grace: you agreed to help me, it's your problem if they're in your inbox too Janis: no, it ain't Janis: they're your problem Grace: no they're not Grace: they're muted on my phone rn Grace: I don't have a problem Janis: yeah singular is a bit pie in the sky Janis: for fuck sake, get it over with Grace: no thanks Janis: we get it, you're attention starved Janis: milk it all you want but keep it private, the rest of us don't need to see Mia throw you a bone Grace: 😂😂😂 Janis: how funny is it when that's exactly what you do though Janis: tears of a 🤡 Grace: 👌👌👌 Janis: this time'll be different, babes Janis: god bless Grace: makes no difference to you so get over it Janis: 😂 Janis: does though, as I've literally fucking stated so either sort your shit or just get it out of my fucking face, either way, I don't care Janis: I didn't sign up to deal with ou, I really didn't sign up to deal with them Grace: I'm not the one in your inbox, tell it to them if you're so affected Janis: listen, you fucking idiot Janis: they're not my business, I want nothing to do with them Grace: well me either rn so Janis: what part of, I don't fucking care about you do you not understand Janis: they're your friends, it's your mess, grow the fuck up and deal with it Grace: I'm just telling you why I'm not sorting them out for you Grace: but keep begging me to like Grace: like its so hard to handle for yourself Janis: You are Janis: end of story Grace: I'm really not Grace: I'm in this mess which you think is mine cos I was defending you Grace: why would I get into more drama with them to tell them to leave you alone? Grace: You've already told me I shouldn't have bothered in the first place Janis: I don't care about you, oh my God Janis: I don't care if you're exiled, it's your mess Janis: own it Grace: well I don't care if they're in your inbox so Janis: I don't care about your feelings or opinions Janis: this is all irrelevant Grace: then stop asking me to do you a favour Grace: shut them up yourself or don't Janis: it isn't a favour Janis: it's responsibility Grace: they aren't my responsibility Grace: so its not Janis: yes they are Janis: no one elese likes them Janis: you brought them here Grace: they aren't Grace: they're their own bitches making their own messes Janis: wow put it on a t-shirt Janis: in this case, they are Grace: no Grace: even if they were my friends I can't tell them what to do, they only listen to Mia Grace: & I'm not going to try cos they aren't Janis: 🎻 Grace: play it for yourself & your blown up inbox babes Janis: sort it out Grace: no Janis: you useless fucking bitch Grace: it didn't work the last time you said that Grace: but go off Janis: drop dead Grace: you wish Janis: you wish Janis: you pathetic wreck Grace: 😭😭😭 Janis: exactly Janis: invite your ex over again to make you feel loved Janis: then pretend you don't remember how he got there Grace: nice idea but no thanks he really didn't Janis: no shit Janis: not stopped you before Janis: like the Mia shit, you always revert to type, needy little cunt Grace: you're literally asking me to go back to her so you can have a clean inbox babes Grace: & I've said no Grace: deal with it Janis: yeah? Janis: because I don't care about you Janis: what? I want you to have nice friends 😂 Janis: I didn't help you for you, obviously, you know that Janis: at least Mia knows what the fuck she is Grace: go ask her to call them off then Grace: I'm sure she'd love to Grace: when she's done telling everyone she made you cry at the party obvs Janis: 💔 Janis: so tragic Janis: 'til 🤡 walked in right on cue Janis: no one's talking about me, not even Mia Janis: don't you just love that for you? Grace: you'd love that but she is Grace: they all are Janis: no, you've got them muted and I'm essentially in the group chat Janis: trust, all about you, graciekins Grace: you wish Grace: I've unmuted plenty of times Grace: over plenty of days Janis: wow ok harriet the spy Janis: get you Grace: 🙄🙄🙄 Grace: just tell your boyfriend I need his address when you sort out what the hell you're doing Grace: that way I can go back to ignoring you Janis: [address] Janis: there Grace: 👋 Janis: hope you die in a car crash! 👍 Grace: dream about it Grace: 💕 Janis: you wish anyone did Grace: I really don't Janis: convincing, again Grace: I'm not going to sit here & convince you that I don't actually want people to wish me dead Grace: sorry about it Janis: yeah 'cos that's what was meant Grace: yeah cos I care what you meant Janis: it's not about caring it's just basic comprehension, really Janis: but go off with that victim narrative you fit everything into Grace: but I'm so stupid tho babes, so sorry Grace: can't comprehend you & your mysterious ways Janis: nothing mysterious about it Janis: you wish though Janis: maybe all this means I really care, wouldn't that be lovely, n'awh Grace: but I love it so much how often you tell me you don't Grace: so no Janis: ew Janis: keep your dreams to yourself Grace: you first Grace: or you know, just keep telling everyone how much you'd love it if I died Grace: put it in the group chat for the girls 💕 Janis: ugh this conversation would be so much easier if you could read Janis: you're the only one that likes to be told still Janis: but that's just your wankbank material so, we get it Janis: times are tough for you rn Grace: but you don't care about my thoughts & feelings Grace: so its so considerate for you to do it anyway Grace: best sister award Janis: You're so lucky to have me Janis: get out the lollipop sticks, you're making more work for yourself Grace: mhhhhmmm Grace: I'll get the kid brother to do it, it's fine Janis: try not to scare him with all your problems Grace: thanks for the pro tip babes Grace: working on his big brother is it? Janis: you wish you knew Janis: sad times Grace: I do know, I had a front row seat for how 😍 he is Janis: you wish you knew how to do it, obviously Grace: yeah Grace: but I don't & you're not gonna tell me so Grace: I'll have to get over it Janis: such a drag when you're so #damaged and it ain't getting you all that enabling dick Janis: shame she ain't about to ask, such a pro Grace: IKR Janis: not that she ever talked to you so bit de ja vu init babes Grace: obvs Janis: 💔 truly Grace: tragic Janis: least you only have to pretend to be messed up over it now Grace: what a relief Janis: mhhhhmmm Janis: must've sucked to have actually given a shit about her Grace: did it? Grace: you're one of the only few of us who bothered Janis: nah Grace: glad you're not 💔💔💔 Janis: obviously Janis: you care SO much Janis: the nicest person to ever exist Grace: not about her tho Janis: like you said, no one did Grace: I said you did Grace: you're saying no one Janis: typical you to presume you know me Janis: unsurprised Grace: typical you pretend like I wasn't there Grace: unsurprised Janis: as if that was an option Janis: chatting shit Grace: you're so good at it now tho Grace: well done Grace: a real glow up Janis: you know Janis: still as annoying but less and less relevant the more you scream and cry Janis: lost any real power 'fore we were out of nappies but go of Janis: regression is very in now anyway, can't all be me Grace: sure Janis: 💔💔💔 Grace: are you done, my ex is here Grace: need to revert to type like now Janis: hope you polished the mirror like a good girl then Grace: not that one Grace: but thanks Grace: so many to choose from obvs Janis: they're all the same Janis: especially with how little of a shit they give about you Janis: cute, we should get jackets Grace: duh Janis: awh tell lewis jack aaron etc i said hi Grace: I would but none of them are talkers Grace: kinda the point Janis: thick gotta pick thick Janis: not exactly a stunning conversationalist, which is depressing, the amount you chat Grace: obvs Janis: well have a lovely time Grace: thanks Grace: 👋 Janis: ✌ Grace: 💋 Janis: it's obvious enough you're fucking me without that Grace: EW Grace: be weirder Janis: really out here playing dumb Janis: not much of a talker, hates you, loves themselves Janis: i know you bum ma and da but really, couldn't settle for daddy issues could you Grace: I AM dumb, babes Grace: & all of that you've said Grace: like I said, keep your dreams to yourself first please Janis: all of it's true Janis: gonna 💔 if you start pretending they love you, christ Grace: I'm not Grace: but love the warning Grace: so cute Janis: serious, you should come with a warning Janis: ready to ring up the samaritans on your behalf every time you pop up Grace: I do, it's that I'm related to you Grace: but I work around it Grace: don't waste their time when you don't care SO MUCH babes, it's really rude Janis: that's adorable Janis: if only people disliked you 'cos of me, oh bless Janis: they give less of a shit, trust Grace: It's a warning for boys, isn't it? Grace: plenty of them think I'm like you, trust Janis: 😱 Janis: omg, boys don't like me Janis: better go commit Janis: you're the one surrounded by girls, my love Grace: but you're so wifed Grace: so you'll have to go on living or what would that poor barista boy do? Janis: again, you wish Grace: I really don't but you are Grace: he's gonna be so sad when you stop caring about him Janis: yeah, too nice for you Janis: real bummer being so in love with me, you poor thing Grace: it is for him, yeah Janis: you've puked in front of him once and now you're besties Janis: this is how we ended up here, raise the bar Grace: I wish we were cos of how much you'd hate it but sadly no Janis: 💔 Janis: as I said, you wish Janis: revelation, Gracie wants what's mine Grace: 😂😂😂 Grace: like you said, he's too nice for me, hun Janis: doesn't stop you thinking you deserve better Janis: so hard done by Grace: oh please Janis: my sentiments exactly Grace: 🙄🙄🙄 Grace: have fun wherever you're going Janis: obviously Grace: bye Janis: yeah yeah Grace: so I can't even say bye now? Grace: fine Janis: say what you like Janis: likewise Grace: whatever Janis: fine Janis: 😂 Grace: [is ignoring again cos really stop Grace you aren't gonna get anywhere] Janis: [later] Janis: k we're leaving Janis: can you come now for a few hours Janis: he's back at 6:30 so Cass said she'll be back 6:15 latest Grace: sure Janis: tah Janis: gotta get [bus number] that's quickest Grace: do I have to feed her or something? what kind of tween is she? Grace: some of them can do everything & some nothing Janis: she ain't Mia, she eats Janis: she was gonna get maccies so don't worry 'bout her Grace: 👌 Janis: wait 'round 'til you're here, give you key and all that shit Janis: try not to see his dad, yeah, he dunno so Grace: I'll get the boy to drop me so I won't be long Grace: like 10 Janis: gross Janis: but cool Grace: what about the dog? Grace: you didn't mention it Janis: we're taking it Grace: thank god Janis: yeah you aren't good with dogs so no Grace: literally Janis: yet you begged for one 'til like last year Grace: did you need to have a dig at me? Grace: so rude Janis: just saying, a pugs life is hard enough without you wanting to shove it in a bag Grace: 🙄🙄🙄 Grace: I don't even want a pug it's cruel Janis: now maybe Janis: 13 year old you couldn't be told shit Grace: ever maybe excuse you very much Grace: god, leave me alone Janis: whatever Grace: what time does he go to work in the AM? Janis: 6 Janis: they'll be asleep 'til later though, come 'round like 9 and then Cass can go do what she wants for the day Grace: k Janis: you're not all fucking Janis: messy are you Janis: don't scare him Grace: you're such a bitch Grace: I wouldn't do that Grace: he's a kid Janis: well if he's still there you've only just finished christ Janis: don't rip my head off, you're the one doing all this shite Grace: I said I'd do this first Grace: so fuck you Janis: whatever Janis: if you're gonna be a fucking trainwreck I ain't gonna let you Grace: if I was a trainwreck I wouldn't be coming Janis: we'll see, won't we Grace: whatever Janis: not whatever, it's serious Janis: he's 6, he can't just be left with anyone Grace: I told you, I'm fine Grace: if you don't want me to show up I won't Janis: not like I have a choice Janis: don't fuck it up Grace: don't talk to me like that Janis: if you're gonna have an attitude, don't come Grace: k I won't Grace: makes no difference to me Janis: exactly Janis: don't Grace: 👌👌👌 Janis: I I was you Janis: I would not be there when I get back Grace: wasn't planning on it now my night's opened up babes Janis: I mean it Janis: you've had a fair warning so stay the fuck outta my eyeline and earshot Grace: so do I Grace: better things to do now I'm not waiting on you to tell me to come over thanks Janis: what, like letting another ex degrade you or texting back your friends who hate you? Janis: you're a fucking joke that was never funny and now Grace: none of your business Grace: literally ever Grace: but actually I only kept him around this long so he could drive me cos I knew you'd tell me to come with one foot out the door Grace: so glad I bothered Janis: sure, blame me for riding your ex when you could've got the bus like any normal person, princess Janis: what the hell is wrong with you? Grace: I'm telling you why he was still here cos you're apparently convinced I'd turn up in idk what kind of state Grace: like I'm her now, okay Janis: This was a stupid idea Janis: he doesn't know you, what you're like Grace: it was your idea, I just agreed to it Janis: no, it was his Janis: but I shouldve said no from the off, you can't be trusted Grace: but I can, babes Grace: you just don't like the idea of that Janis: like fuck can you Janis: you're a mess Grace: you wish Grace: I could do this, you just don't want me to Janis: why would I? Grace: cos if you did you could go Grace: & I know you want that Janis: well I want you around less Grace: fine Grace: I'm not Janis: Good Grace: tell your boyfriend we can work something else out since I still owe him Janis: fuck off Janis: this is what I don't want Janis: go away, no one owes anyone anything Grace: not true Grace: but whatever Janis: true, do one Janis: get it out of your fucking head Grace: like I said, whatever Janis: tell me when you've gone Grace: I am gone obvs Grace: I'm in a car Janis: Good Janis: I can leave Grace: sure can Janis: I'm not forgiving you for this Grace: you hate me anyway what do I care? Grace: you're gonna be more of a bitch Grace: wow Janis: do you not understand what you've actually done Janis: I can't be around your or I'm scared I'm going to genuinely hurt you Janis: cut the bullshit for one second 'cos this is real Grace: then don't be around me Grace: it's your own fault that I'm not doing this Grace: you could be on your way to wherever Janis: Yeah, 'cos going is really an option now Janis: you're not that stupid Grace: I'll come over now if you stop being such a bitch about it Grace: but you literally never can Grace: you'd rather act like it's my fault cos I hung out with a boy who I've fucked a few times for a few hours Grace: nothing even really happened Janis: I'm not interested Janis: it's too late now it's ruined Grace: you want it to be too late Grace: it's literally not Grace: I'm saying Janis: well funnily enough this isn't about you Janis: he's not gonna wanna go Grace: did he say that? Janis: I don't know Janis: you think I can listen Grace: Janis, get a fucking grip Grace: he loves you he obvs wants to go Janis: well I just told him we couldn't Grace: so un-tell him Grace: OMG Janis: oh yeah, that's not insane Grace: you're insane if you don't go, bitch Grace: what did you say for why you couldn't go? Janis: idk, just that we couldn't, end of Grace: so tell him I got held up but I'm omw Grace: he can be mad at me what do I care Grace: he looks cute like that Janis: piss off Janis: fine Grace: you're not gonna like hit me when I get there, are you? Janis: no Janis: get a head start if you're that concerned Grace: I'm just asking Janis: just Janis: thanks Janis: alright Grace: ew stop Janis: don't start Grace: don't thank me Grace: I'm not doing it for you Janis: whatever Grace: I told mum & dad Grace: so you might wanna put dad on mute Grace: just saying Janis: knew you would Janis: fair enough Janis: noted Grace: that's not for you either so don't like thank me again Grace: so weird Janis: I know on that one Grace: sure Grace: do I get a where now or are you just going? Janis: you gonna tell them that too Grace: ew Grace: no Grace: you know mum would drive there or something cringe Grace: I'd die of second hand embarrassment Janis: Good luck to her Janis: just gonna see how far we can get Grace: really? Grace: or is that what you're telling me cos you think I'm gonna tell everyone Janis: yeah and I wanna seem dead cool Janis: of course really Grace: everyone in this family would 👏 that Grace: so free spirited of you babes Janis: 🙄 Janis: don't give a shit Janis: hopefully we get murdered so I don't have to hear the 👏 Grace: I'm not telling them so you won't have to Grace: so don't get murdered Grace: okay? Janis: not sure it's a negotiation sitch Janis: do my best Grace: yeah Grace: I'm like 10 away again so Janis: alright Janis: we're out front 🚬 so I'll see you Grace: ew Grace: of course you are Janis: what do you mean of course I've never smoked Grace: bitch please Grace: I'm stupid, not oblivious Janis: well recently but I ain't a smoker Grace: didn't ask Grace: if you wanna not be as good of a runner that's not my buisiness Janis: 🙄 Janis: bitch please Grace: 🙄 Grace: ugh why do boys HAVE TO talk so much Grace: just drive Janis: 😂 Janis: if that wasn't typed I wouldn't believe I'd just heard that right Janis: probably 'cos you don't wanna talk to him? Grace: I don't wanna hear how AMAZING it'd be if I gave him a blowjob rn Grace: boy no I don't want to die Janis: you better get off the phone to me if you're doing that Grace: that's what I'm saying tho Grace: not happening Grace: me in a car crash is your dream, babes Grace: also I'm so close to barista boy's house, is that a compliment or can he only last a minute? 🤔 Janis: idk who it even is so I can't tell you Janis: you should know surely Grace: I just remembered the answer Grace: & why he's an ex Janis: grim 😏 Grace: lowkey need out of this car before he gets more highkey Grace: ugh Janis: you really shoulda got the bus Grace: bus drivers creep me out Grace: they're always staring at me like I'm walking around with my boobs out Grace: ew Grace: at least I know this perv Janis: at least there's witnesses on the bus Janis: and a company to complain to if you're feeling it Grace: OMG don't Grace: I'm having the worse day if this is my last one Janis: it be like that Janis: not often having a banging one Janis: 'less you plan to OD or have a heartattack fucking a stripper or something Grace: I know you'd LOVE for me to be murdered but can you not please Janis: well quick gimme his name and license Grace: UM no Grace: let's keep it at you not knowing who he is, thanks Janis: you would rather be murdered Janis: also I'll see when he drops you off 'less you're gonna make him park a road over like an embarrassing mum Grace: tbh Grace: & yeah I so am Janis: you're a nutter Janis: idgaf Grace: exactly Grace: so you're just gonna be a bitch Grace: & I can't even rn so Janis: so Janis: you don't lurve him, clearly Grace: that makes it worse Grace: duh Janis: you'd rather I slag off the love of your life Janis: I mean, do, on the reg Grace: I could defend that Grace: not spending a whole afternoon with this boy just cos I don't wanna be alone Grace: there's nothing I can say about that Janis: meh same Janis: least you ain't going away for a minibreak Grace: the fact you can say that like its a bad thing is why I don't ever wanna know you Janis: 🙄 you're so dramatic Janis: we're bonding, bitch Grace: oh excuse me, you get to miss school with a cute boy & it's such a drag Grace: & he loves you can't forget that Janis: he does not Janis: behave Grace: he so does Grace: the most dramatic 😍😍😍 I've ever seen Janis: probably just wants road head init Grace: 😂 Grace: thanks for not shagging him in the middle of the restaurant tho, really appreciate that, babes Janis: ryan was putting me right off Janis: didn't do it/not do it for you, obvs Grace: you were doing the opposite of putting him off so obvs Grace: idk how many times he asked me to sit on his lap Grace: 🙄🙄🙄 Janis: 🤢 Janis: woulda had to drag you off on principle Grace: I should've to crush him Grace: v tempting Grace: but killing him was not the mission sadly Janis: really gotta call it a day 'fore she gets you in on a murder pact Janis: fuck telling ma and da, tell someone who'll actually do something about it, like Grace: oh so you want him to live a long & productive life, okay Janis: not about him Janis: you would not do well in prison Grace: you should be encouraging me to go then Grace: duh Janis: nah Janis: imagine the letters you'd write Janis: no hair straighteners, no make up Grace: at least I wouldn't have to stress about my prison wife being prettier than me Grace: so might be 😍😍😍 Janis: you've got plenty experience being someone's bitch, true Janis: if you wanna come out, just do it, btw Grace: I told you, I can't Grace: would love to Janis: 😂 Janis: every girl you know is a massive bitch, I don't see how it'd be any better Grace: I wouldn't date any of them ew Grace: I don't even like them Grace: as friends Janis: you're so weird Grace: you're so rude Grace: I'm not weird Janis: you don't like your friends, how is that normal Grace: It's normal of everyone I know Grace: none of us like each other Janis: Mental Grace: 🤷 Janis: have you considered Janis: not Grace: babes, do you wanna be more specific? Janis: not being friends with people you hate Grace: obvs Janis: annnnd Grace: and what? Grace: you know what the answers are Janis: why though Grace: like I said, you know so Janis: I don't know why you would Janis: well Janis: maybe Grace: you so do Grace: & we don't need to go into it when I'm stuck in a car with this boy, do we? Janis: whatever Janis: i'm easy Grace: I know Grace: but if you don't want me to show up a mess don't upset me Grace: 🤷 Janis: bit rude Janis: you just called me a slag Grace: you wish Janis: yeah lifelong ambition that Janis: dead wanna follow in ma's footsteps Grace: yeah obvs Grace: really get that vibe from you Janis: you get what I give ya, babe Grace: 🙄🙄🙄 Janis: you know it's true Grace: I didn't say it wasn't Janis: hmm Janis: d'ya reckon if I 'turn Mia, Drew would fuck her to death? 🤔 Grace: not something I wanna think about thanks Grace: ew Janis: you were all about the murder plots five seconds ago Grace: but he's so old & she's so bad in bed Grace: I can't Janis: 1. he isn't really is he, he's not even 40 yet Janis: 2. know you're hating but going that hard sounds like you have firsthand so Grace: 👌👌👌 fine he's sooo gross whatever Grace: & you think I do anyway & I'm talking to you rn so Janis: meh probably would Janis: just an FYI so you don't get a callout post on your callout post Grace: 🙄🙄🙄 Grace: can you not I'm trying to direct an idiot who has already gone the wrong way twice Janis: that's how he passed Janis: #roadhead Grace: mhmm Grace: I'm getting out this is stupid Grace: ugh Janis: that was funny, coulda laughed, bitch Grace: you don't know I didn't LOL Grace: & I'll never tell you bitch Janis: woulda heard you from here Grace: it wasn't that funny babe Grace: I'm not gonna go that hard Janis: inside voice who? Janis: your fault diego is deaf, btw Grace: RUDE! Janis: 😂 Grace: it's so freezing Grace: how are you just outside casually Janis: 🙄 Janis: just tough like that, obvs Grace: sure Janis: 'scuse you bitch Grace: excuse me why Janis: don't deny it Grace: literally did not Janis: you've got such an attitude problem you know Janis: I blame the parents Grace: just blame me Grace: it's how this goes, hun Janis: your hard on for them is unbearable Grace: I'll add it to the things Janis hates about me list Grace: thanks so much Janis: seriously Janis: it's not natural Grace: I'm not normal or natural now, okay Janis: okay zooey Janis: calm down Grace: no Janis: ick Grace: 🤷 Janis: you're real gross, graciekins Grace: keep repeating yourself babes Grace: nobody's over it or anything Janis: know you hate yourself but refering to yourself as nobody is a bit touched Grace: 🙄🙄🙄 Janis: you here yet ugh Grace: I'm walking get over it Grace: if you can't see me I'm obvs not Janis: hurry up good god Janis: places to be Janis: lorry drivers to suck off Grace: shut up & I could Janis: could you Grace: OMG Grace: leave me alone Janis: 😂 Janis: ⏲ Grace: do you want me to turn around & go home? Janis: you don't get to hold it over me, your idea Janis: chipchop Grace: I can do whatever I want Janis: ooh Janis: go on then Grace: fine Grace: bye Janis: 👋 Grace: 👋 Janis: DID YOU THINK THAT'D WORK Janis: genuine question Grace: I don't know or care what you're talking about Grace: I'm just genuinely going home so Janis: bless your heart Grace: 🙄🙄🙄 Janis: you better not be Janis: he's all worked up ow and YOU said you wouldn't do that to a kid Grace: fight me later, babes Grace: I'm tired Janis: fuck off, Grace Grace: literally am Janis: get in here now Janis: this isn't a game Grace: stop treating me like a pawn then, bitch Janis: hurry up Janis: stop timewasting Grace: stop talking to me like that Janis: whatever Grace: not even Janis: fuck sake cry about it later Janis: you owe Jimmy, not me Grace: feel free to tell him I still do cos you can't stop being a bitch for 2 seconds Janis: shup up Janis: you're so pissy Grace: exactly Grace: I'm in no mood for you being so rude to me for literally no reason rn Janis: I'm not gonna lick you out for doing something you have promised to do Janis: get over it and we'll be done here Grace: you get over it Grace: cos I'm over you treating me like this all the time Janis: uhuh Grace: so I'm not coming & you can deal with that Janis: 👍 Grace: 👌 Janis: well tah for nothing, you massive cunt Janis: and I've changed my mind, I am going to hit you if I see you Janis: ✌ Grace: you're so welcome Grace: & I'm unsurprised Janis: Don't come anywhere near me I swear to God Grace: why would I? Grace: I turned around once for you already & now I have to find someone else to pick me up Janis: good thing you've disappointed half the lads in school then isn't it Janis: plenty of potential pity rides Grace: yeah Janis: disgusting Grace: 🙄🙄🙄 Janis: you reckon you hate yourself but you don't enough Janis: actually vile Grace: noted Janis: seriously fuck you Janis: I can't have one thing Grace: & I can't have 5 seconds without you slagging me off Grace: so Janis: boo fucking hoo Janis: it isn't even comparable you selfish bitch Grace: so devastated for you that you can't leave Janis: it isn't just that are you so fucking Janis: forget it Janis: actually give up on you but I mean it Grace: fine by me Grace: you're horrible to me anyway Janis: at least I fucking notice you cunt Janis: who else does, no one Grace: yeah cos that's the attention I want Grace: thanks Janis: well poor fucking you with all your fake friends and boyfriends Janis: you can go back to feeling better about it when I have no one again, status quo Grace: I'll happily take all of that over a second of you being real about how you hope I die or whatever Janis: no shit Janis: I know Grace: obvs Grace: you know everything, yeah Janis: shut the fuck up Janis: this isn't about you Janis: you don't get to ruin the one thing I have and have a pity party like I should care Grace: no, it's about you freaking out that your boyfriend's gonna leave you Janis: fuck you, seriously Grace: I hope he does if this is how horrible you're gonna be Janis: well you can't have everything Janis: sorry, princess Grace: I don't have anything duh Grace: you've said it enough times Janis: bullshit Janis: I've told you, I'm not feeling sorry for you Grace: literally wasn't asking Grace: but it makes no sense to tell me I can't have everything & also tell me I have nothing Grace: so like Grace: figure out your insults Janis: you always are because you're pathetic Janis: I ain't got time Janis: some of us still have places to be Grace: sure babes Grace: me too Janis: difference between me and you is, I actually do it, Grace Janis: can tell the 'rents the danger factor is amped up if you still reckon you care Grace: I was actually trying to help you & I'm so glad I bothered so guess what no Janis: 💔 Grace: obvs Grace: save it for the former barista Janis: you really are that stupid Janis: you think I'm still there or Janis: you get to ruin my life and not even understand what the fuck you've done, yeah, why not Grace: I don't care where you are, you still love him anyway Janis: shut the fuck up Grace: why should I? you won't ever Janis: because you don't get to take it away and fucking talk on it like you have any idea Grace: I can do whatever I like Grace: you're that stupid if you think he's not gonna come after you Grace: wherever you've gone Janis: No, he won't Janis: but you wouldn't know that or why 'cos you don't know a thing about it Grace: Unless you've killed him, yeah he will Janis: really 'cos it's me that's had this conversation with him, not you Janis: thanks, truly Grace: oh so you think he's that stupid too Grace: you really know how to treat people, babes Janis: no because he's got his own fucking issues, Grace and you've forced my hand so yeah, now I've had to do something really fucked Grace: I haven't forced you into anything Grace: you did it Janis: bullshit Janis: I wanted to go with him and because of you I'm going alone, you can't deny it 'cos if you'd just fucking did what you said you would then he'd be here too Grace: Take responsibility for yourself, Janis Grace: You're going alone cos you treat people like shit and expect them to just take it Grace: I didn't make you leave him there Grace: you could've stayed with him easily, what he wants is to be with you Janis: you aren't people Grace: what's he though? you love him & you did that Janis: fuck you and fucking easily as if you've ever had a real relationship with anyone, and I don't just mean lads Janis: how dare you lecture me Grace: yeah sure make it about me cos you can't handle what you just did Grace: you could've just stopped being a bitch to me & it would have fixed this Grace: you could've stayed with him like you want instead of running away Janis: well no I couldn't or I would have Grace: then don't blame me Janis: it's your fault Janis: I can't make it any clearer Grace: it's your own fault Janis: no, it's yours Janis: you get treated like shit because that's how you treat me and expect a fucking groveling thanks Grace: I don't even Grace: & I didn't expect any thanks just not for you to make me feel like shit for a second Janis: you always feel like shit Janis: and you want it to be my fault but it ain't Grace: yeah so that makes it okay for you to add to it Grace: sure Grace: the things you say & do are your fault, babe Grace: even when you want them to be mine Janis: you're incapable of doing anything and not making it about yourself Grace: well I'm sorry Grace: all I've got is myself & I can't do this with you anymore Janis: no you're not Grace: yeah I am Janis: well save it Janis: one thing Janis: and it wasn't even me asking Grace: it was still you that ruined it Grace: for yourself Janis: if you like Grace: I don't Grace: but it's what's happened Janis: know negging is super effective on you but I'm not buying it Grace: I don't care Janis: I know Janis: so stop pretending you do Grace: I'm not pretending, I told you I can't do this with you anymore Grace: I'm not Grace: stay away, come back, I don't care Janis: lovely Grace: just actually leave me alone Janis: like I've said, this isn't about you Grace: & like I've said, I do not care Janis: sure Grace: I'm muting you now Janis: I sincerely don't care Janis: you are the last thing on my mind Grace: so glad Grace: 👋 Janis: if you were, you wouldn't feel the need to say it Janis: so go and stay gone because I have no energy for you now Grace: [is ignoring cos nothing more I can even say at this point]

Talking to a friend last night about how split/fractured the U.S. is at this point in time, how genuinely divisive and disturbing it's become for many of us. Uncomfortable. For both sides. (Especially for those of us who are Independents I would add...). He made several very intriguing comments. (Mind you he's more "left" than most Democrats. So he's no democrat. And I'm obviously not that. I lean both right and left, depending on what we're talking about. But we're okay with that. We don't let it come between us.) We were discussing the obvious mistake in judgement (besides a heinous disregard for basic ethics) that the democratic party made, and the subsequent harm this mistake has inflicted on its party members (AND everyone else in America) by not allowing their party to naturally go in the direction it wanted to, i.e. in support of an outsider, in their case Bernie Sanders, and instead just insisted that their candidate be Hilary Clinton, despite what their members were seeming to call for. Michael Moore called it weeks before the election. Trump would win. Truth be told my opinion is that Trump would have won against Bernie too. BUT many Americans would at least still be part of the system. They'd vote. They'd care. After the shenanigans (that's a very kind label for the crimes and corruption we witnessed) that the democratic party pulled to pretend Hilary was "the legitimate candidate", millions of people, especially the young, went back to their old MO -- "screw both of those parties, they both suck, screw this whole system. I'm out." And of course, many just didn't bother to vote. They stopped caring. But now here we are. Half the people happy with the outcome. And half the people very unhappy. Just like in the Obama years. Totally split. Which has compelled me to start thinking the same thought I think whenever I contemplate the "civil war" or as some people call it "Lincoln's war of aggression". (Their label.... Let's not digress to that yet. There'll be time for it later.) If people in red states are really happy with how things are and the direction they claim to want to go in, why not let them? And why not let blue staters go in the direction THEY want to go? Loads of people are anti-abortion. I get it. I'm pro-life myself. But also pro-choice. Hell, I'll even admit that abortion is murder in my humble opinion. But I just can't bring myself to believe that I have the right to dictate what another person should or shouldn't do in/with their own life. I believe that's a human right. So in that, I am liberal. I get it. It's upsetting to some. Makes sense to others. And frankly I'm okay with that. I'm also okay if half the population of the country wants to ban abortion. Totally fine with it. That should be their choice. Their decision. As my friend said last night, "If the federal government banned abortion tomorrow through all this supreme court stuff about to go down, ten states would hold emergency sessions overnight and pass a law to legalize abortion in their states. That's how it works. So it shouldn't even be an issue." He believes democrats have gotten lost in ideologies that distract them from real issues. He's entitled to his opinion. Just as democrats are. And he's right about abortion. Just like marijuana or gay marriage, abortion will become legal again in at least ten states overnight. Without question. So let's not quibble over it. Truth is, America IS split. Ideologically morally politically split. And it has been for a long time. What many don't quite understand about the ambassador is that I felt bad for republicans during the Obama years. Mind you, I was both a fan of certain aspects of the man -- he was a great orator, patient and thoughtful in his decision making and more liberally minded than the alternative, but I was also NOT a fan of many aspects of him and his agenda. (That's just me and it's not important.) The point is, oftentimes I personally felt empathy for republicans during Obama's years in office because I felt like the country was being pushed too far progressive too quickly for the comfort of many folks who leaned "conservative". And one could feel their pain. It was disquieting and upsetting for them. It wasn't the "America" they were accustomed to. Now I know that a lot of my friends who are democrat would immediately respond "too bad". Which is hilarious. Because that's just what republicans are saying to democrats NOW. But as my friend said last night, "You can't force people to acquiesce to your position. All you can do is make a convincing argument and hope they eventually evolve to your point of view." Totally agree. America was forcing an extremely progressive agenda on a large portion of the population and it was doing so quickly. Hence Trump. Safety. Comfort. Back to "normal" for them. Life feels good again. I get it. I really do. So why not let's just face facts and get real AND do something about this. Rather than all the arguing. We live in TWO Americas now. Maybe we always have. We may be united in our desire to be protected by our military against foreign invasion. And we both want to use the U.S. dollar as our primary currency. And heck most of us probably would all want to stay a democratic republic and primarily capitalist. (My aforementioned friend is the exception. He doesn't like capitalism. And i not only respect his viewpoint, but I can understand it to a certain degree.) But most of us can probably all agree that we are UNITED on those issues. Everything else, we're split. Totally completely split. No wiggle room. So why don't we just make it official and split? Many people may not readily remember that we split India up into two countries, a Hindu one and a Muslim one. It's called Pakistan. It's possible. It's doable. Yes geographically it will pose a few challenges. For the most part, those of who tend to lean more blue live on the coasts. WA to CA and MA down to VA, with a few blue states in the middle, SOMEtimes... Not only do we know WHO we are, we know what we want and what we don't want. And it's about time we stopped trying to convince each other that WE are right and YOU are wrong, and instead just make the split. Two countries. Dictated democratically by the people who LIVE in those countries. Think about it for a minute. Don't shut down. Red staters will ban abortion in their country. And they'll get NO argument or fuss from blue staters. Let them do it. Perhaps they'll close their borders off to immigrants of all shapes and sizes for a while. Let them. We have a labor shortage in America right now. (Maybe they don't get that? But who cares? That's the point. We need to stop trying to convince each other that the other side is "right".) So the blue states will take the immigrants. Red staters want to keep the healthcare system how it is. In fact they want to roll it back to "how it used to be before Obama messed it up". Cool. Blue staters want universal health care. They consider it a basic human right. Who are we to try to convince red staters they're wrong? Let them have monopolistic for-profit companies running their healthcare system and bankrupting them everytime they get sick. Seriously. Just let them. And blue states will switch to a single payer universal healthcare system. Consider "the welfare state" collection of issues. That's a BIG one. But it doesn't have to be. Imagine we just let the red states get rid of all the social welfare programs they want to in "their country". Welfare, gone. Food stamps, gone. Medicare and Medicaid probably reduced or minimized. Cool. We'll keep it in the blue state country. And from what we can tell, a lot of the wealthiest people in blue states don't mind paying a little more in taxes in order to secure a more humane safety net for their neighbors. So yay for them. Let them stay in blue state country. And if they don't like it, they can always move to red state country. They're rich. They can afford it. In the case of religion and religious imagery, let's face it, red staters have been getting the short end of the stick on these issues for years. They're being forced to take down religious symbols in their own hometowns. Forced to not be allowed to pray in their own schools. That just doesn't seem fair. I myself practice a religion. But I just happen to believe in religious freedom AND separation of church and state, and because I recognize that a lot of blue staters are Atheists and though they don't know it, that too is a religion, I don't mind their banning religion from most public things and from government. It makes sense from a strategic logical point of view. For blue staters. Maybe just not for red staters... As long as they let me keep my church and practice freely, I'm cool. And truth be told most atheists and blue staters aren't trying to rip down churches. But do they go too far sometimes? Yes, in my opinion, for the comfort of many red staters they do. So let the red state nation be rid of atheist liberals. We'll deal with them in blue state country. We don't mind. We'll take them. And red states can have whole public schools or towns even named after Jesus or Mary or Christ if they want to. LET THEM. It's their country. Dig? Now, we could go on and on. And what's interesting is that a lot of people are probably reading this and thinking that THEIR country sounds AWESOME. The country they most align with that is... And that's the point. Their country WILL BE awesome. For THEM. No more arguing on social media. No more protests and marches and screaming and shouting in the media 24/7. No more insane tweets from the president. Hell, most blue staters won't even read tweets from the red state president. And why should they? He's not their president. They'll read tweets from their own president. And let the red staters consider FOX News an actual media outlet. As outlandish as that may sound to some, it's their sovereign right as a nation. Just as it is the right of blue staters to consider the New York Times a media outlet (not that I'm equating one with the other. But many red staters do.... Let them.) Of course the blue state country needs to grow the hell up and recognize that MSNBC is NOT a media outlet. Call it what it is, political propaganda or entertainment. But that ain't objective journalism. Chances are it will be easy to get most blue staters to acknowledge that if they got FOX News the hell off of their TV -- except for entertainment purposes, like say you want to just chill and have a laugh after a long day at work. FOX News can be hilarious at times. It's perfect for that. But it just won't be called "news". More like the Stephen Colbert show. It's satire. It's funny. So let's get to the heart of the matter. The REAL heart of the matter. The red states will never allow the blue states to create their own country. And if they were smart, they wouldn't. Because the majority of the economic power of the U.S. presently is in blue states. The big dogs are all in blue state nation. Sound familiar? Yep. Now we're back to "Lincoln's War of Aggression" due to fear of economic collapse, where he ordered the entire force and might of U.S. military to attack the Southern States and force them to NOT secede. Even though they wanted to. Now I'm no Southerner. Nor a confederacy lover. Honestly the site of that flag creeps me out. But I respect other people's rights. And state sovereignty. And if southern states wanted to keep on truckin as they were and leave the Union to do so, so be it. The North was just too scared of what would become of them without the economic powerhouse that the South was at that time. That's the cold hard truth of it. And I just bet that the same exact people who wanted to secede 150 years ago would be demanding that president Trump NOT allow the blue states to secede and start their own country NOW. Think about it for a second. Regardless of which party you tend to side with. Will red staters really allow WA, CA, NY, NJ, CT, VT, NH etc start their own country and separate from the U.S.? Probably not. But not because they don't like the idea... Hell they'll love the idea once they get how awesome their country is going to be. Peace at last. Peace at last. But what would they do economically? Where's THEIR Wall Street? Where's THEIR Amazon and Microsoft and Intel and Apple and Google and Facebook and Twitter etc? That's the real issue, just as it was 150 years ago. Well, I'll tell you what they'd do. First off, a lot of republicans are smart and wealthy people who work on Wall Street. So they're not going to be without brains. Despite what snobby democrats think or say. Red State Nation can either start their own big tech companies. OR the blue state nation can easily draft up a bilateral free trade deal with the red state nation. Trump loves bilateral trade deals. He'll have a field day. Of course, he'll have to move. New York is just about as true blue liberal as they come. (But wasn't Trump a democrat for most of his adult life? Oh yeah, but sssshhhhhh. We pretend that didn't happen. I'm joking of course. Most know I sincerely believe that president Trump has noble intentions for America, is one hell of a hard working machine AND he's WINNING. Big time winning on a lot of fronts. I may not happen to agree with every direction he's going in or wants to go in, nor with his unorthodox methods, but unlike democrats (which I'm not), I don't mind admitting the above. And that's the problem with many democrats. They refuse to even entertain the possibility that Trump loves America and has good intentions. And that's just close minded and wrong. So... LET THEM LEAVE. See? Again and again we arrive at the same place. Screw the democrats and their progressive anti-Trump bs. Let them start their own country. Easier.) (Yes, I know, by now one might be thinking, "well where the hell are YOU going to live mr. ambassador?" Honestly I'd probably go Big Blue. I may not like democrats, especially now. But I do tend to just feel more comfortable in as liberal of an environment as possible. My motto, "if it's not hurting anyone, let us do it." And that goes both ways. Which also makes me align with the republicans a lot. Because in some ways republicans are very "let us do what we have the rights to do". And that's the problem with the country right now as it stands. We just have two very different groups of people who want very different things. So if red staters want guns in every room of every house and now in every classroom of every school, heck, let them have it. In that aspect, I may occasionally be more of a libertarian. Who knows? Maybe we end up with three or four countries. A little Europe. It could be very cool.) Of course there will be some discomfort in the process at the beginning. There always is. As many people will want to move. We have to remember that the red and blue demographics are symbolic. Most states are more purplish... But generalities do exist. Alabama, Louisiana, Florida, South Carolina etc. aren't about to go blue anytime soon. And why should they? Truth be told, they shouldn't be forced to. Not when we have a simple solution right in front of us. Imagine a world where all the bickering and arguing and right versus wrong is just gone. No more "f*ck trump" signs and social media posts. They're gone. All that is over. For lack of a better way of putting it, we have our paradise and they have their's. And if you suddenly wake up one day and you realize that you don't like the country you live in, you can always apply for a visa to move to the other country. Heck it's just one state over in some cases. And we're still in "the United States". Sort of. And that's really what it comes down to: We'll still be united in many many ways. We'll share the military. We'll share the same currency. We'll share the same financial markets. But socially and politically and perhaps even fiscally we'll just be very different nations. And THAT would be a very good thing for everyone. We'll be less stressed. We'll be happier. We'll be healthier. And best of all we can finally make our own laws and stop this constant see-sawing with the laws every 4 to 8 years. It's maddening for all of us, no? Instead we let it go. We stop the madness. We accept that we are sincerely two very different groups of people at this point. So the question I pose to you on this eve of Independence Day, is not whether you agree with this or not. I've already made up my mind. We either head there and start implementing it now, or we continue to tear ourselves to pieces on a daily basis and keep feeling angry hostile upset sad and stressed. I know which I've chosen. No sense in trying to talk me out of it. And that's the point of this post. Those days are gone. It's a dumb game anyway. And a complete waste of time. My question is this: How do we start the process? How does it work? Where do we start? How did the South start? Where did they go wrong? How can we avoid the same fate? What's the strategy? Are there any legal grounds for states to do this? Or has the federal government gotten so damn big and bloated and fascist that it's made it impossible? (See? I told you I'm hard to peg down... But see, I'd rather try to respectfully convince my Blue State Nation citizens of the importance of smaller government than argue with red staters over gun control or immigration or social welfare programs or universal healthcare or abortion. There are just some issues that neither group is ever going to budge on. But there are SOME that we'll both be able to massage a little bit to make most people in each of our two countries happy. And that's really what it comes down to.) It's time to vote for happiness and health my friends. It's past time. Let's just accept our differences, stop the arguing and create two independent nations that are united on many or at least several fronts. And don't worry... We'll both still have Twitter and Facebook and Insta and Skype and Facetime. So we won't even miss each other. But we sure won't be bickering all the time anymore. Paradise I tell you. Absolute paradise is ours for the taking. All we have to do is take that first step.

Talking to a friend last night about how split/fractured the U.S. is at this point in time, how genuinely divisive and disturbing it's become for many of us. Uncomfortable. For both sides. (Especially for those of us who are Independents I would add...). He made several very intriguing comments. (Mind you he's more "left" than most Democrats. So he's no democrat. And I'm obviously not that. I lean both right and left, depending on what we're talking about. But we're okay with that. We don't let it come between us.) We were discussing the obvious mistake in judgement (besides a heinous disregard for basic ethics) that the democratic party made, and the subsequent harm this mistake has inflicted on its party members (AND everyone else in America) by not allowing their party to naturally go in the direction it wanted to, i.e. in support of an outsider, in their case Bernie Sanders, and instead just insisted that their candidate be Hilary Clinton, despite what their members were seeming to call for. Michael Moore called it weeks before the election. Trump would win. Truth be told my opinion is that Trump would have won against Bernie too. BUT many Americans would at least still be part of the system. They'd vote. They'd care. After the shenanigans (that's a very kind label for the crimes and corruption we witnessed) that the democratic party pulled to pretend Hilary was "the legitimate candidate", millions of people, especially the young, went back to their old MO -- "screw both of those parties, they both suck, screw this whole system. I'm out." And of course, many just didn't bother to vote. They stopped caring. But now here we are. Half the people happy with the outcome. And half the people very unhappy. Just like in the Obama years. Totally split. Which has compelled me to start thinking the same thought I think whenever I contemplate the "civil war" or as some people call it "Lincoln's war of aggression". (Their label.... Let's not digress to that yet. There'll be time for it later.) If people in red states are really happy with how things are and the direction they claim to want to go in, why not let them? And why not let blue staters go in the direction THEY want to go? Loads of people are anti-abortion. I get it. I'm pro-life myself. But also pro-choice. Hell, I'll even admit that abortion is murder in my humble opinion. But I just can't bring myself to believe that I have the right to dictate what another person should or shouldn't do in/with their own life. I believe that's a human right. So in that, I am liberal. I get it. It's upsetting to some. Makes sense to others. And frankly I'm okay with that. I'm also okay if half the population of the country wants to ban abortion. Totally fine with it. That should be their choice. Their decision. As my friend said last night, "If the federal government banned abortion tomorrow through all this supreme court stuff about to go down, ten states would hold emergency sessions overnight and pass a law to legalize abortion in their states. That's how it works. So it shouldn't even be an issue." He believes democrats have gotten lost in ideologies that distract them from real issues. He's entitled to his opinion. Just as democrats are. And he's right about abortion. Just like marijuana or gay marriage, abortion will become legal again in at least ten states overnight. Without question. So let's not quibble over it. Truth is, America IS split. Ideologically morally politically split. And it has been for a long time. What many don't quite understand about the ambassador is that I felt bad for republicans during the Obama years. Mind you, I was both a fan of certain aspects of the man -- he was a great orator, patient and thoughtful in his decision making and more liberally minded than the alternative, but I was also NOT a fan of many aspects of him and his agenda. (That's just me and it's not important.) The point is, oftentimes I personally felt empathy for republicans during Obama's years in office because I felt like the country was being pushed too far progressive too quickly for the comfort of many folks who leaned "conservative". And one could feel their pain. It was disquieting and upsetting for them. It wasn't the "America" they were accustomed to. Now I know that a lot of my friends who are democrat would immediately respond "too bad". Which is hilarious. Because that's just what republicans are saying to democrats NOW. But as my friend said last night, "You can't force people to acquiesce to your position. All you can do is make a convincing argument and hope they eventually evolve to your point of view." Totally agree. America was forcing an extremely progressive agenda on a large portion of the population and it was doing so quickly. Hence Trump. Safety. Comfort. Back to "normal" for them. Life feels good again. I get it. I really do. So why not let's just face facts and get real AND do something about this. Rather than all the arguing. We live in TWO Americas now. Maybe we always have. We may be united in our desire to be protected by our military against foreign invasion. And we both want to use the U.S. dollar as our primary currency. And heck most of us probably would all want to stay a democratic republic and primarily capitalist. (My aforementioned friend is the exception. He doesn't like capitalism. And i not only respect his viewpoint, but I can understand it to a certain degree.) But most of us can probably all agree that we are UNITED on those issues. Everything else, we're split. Totally completely split. No wiggle room. So why don't we just make it official and split? Many people may not readily remember that we split India up into two countries, a Hindu one and a Muslim one. It's called Pakistan. It's possible. It's doable. Yes geographically it will pose a few challenges. For the most part, those of who tend to lean more blue live on the coasts. WA to CA and MA down to VA, with a few blue states in the middle, SOMEtimes... Not only do we know WHO we are, we know what we want and what we don't want. And it's about time we stopped trying to convince each other that WE are right and YOU are wrong, and instead just make the split. Two countries. Dictated democratically by the people who LIVE in those countries. Think about it for a minute. Don't shut down. Red staters will ban abortion in their country. And they'll get NO argument or fuss from blue staters. Let them do it. Perhaps they'll close their borders off to immigrants of all shapes and sizes for a while. Let them. We have a labor shortage in America right now. (Maybe they don't get that? But who cares? That's the point. We need to stop trying to convince each other that the other side is "right".) So the blue states will take the immigrants. Red staters want to keep the healthcare system how it is. In fact they want to roll it back to "how it used to be before Obama messed it up". Cool. Blue staters want universal health care. They consider it a basic human right. Who are we to try to convince red staters they're wrong? Let them have monopolistic for-profit companies running their healthcare system and bankrupting them everytime they get sick. Seriously. Just let them. And blue states will switch to a single payer universal healthcare system. Consider "the welfare state" collection of issues. That's a BIG one. But it doesn't have to be. Imagine we just let the red states get rid of all the social welfare programs they want to in "their country". Welfare, gone. Food stamps, gone. Medicare and Medicaid probably reduced or minimized. Cool. We'll keep it in the blue state country. And from what we can tell, a lot of the wealthiest people in blue states don't mind paying a little more in taxes in order to secure a more humane safety net for their neighbors. So yay for them. Let them stay in blue state country. And if they don't like it, they can always move to red state country. They're rich. They can afford it. In the case of religion and religious imagery, let's face it, red staters have been getting the short end of the stick on these issues for years. They're being forced to take down religious symbols in their own hometowns. Forced to not be allowed to pray in their own schools. That just doesn't seem fair. I myself practice a religion. But I just happen to believe in religious freedom AND separation of church and state, and because I recognize that a lot of blue staters are Atheists and though they don't know it, that too is a religion, I don't mind their banning religion from most public things and from government. It makes sense from a strategic logical point of view. For blue staters. Maybe just not for red staters... As long as they let me keep my church and practice freely, I'm cool. And truth be told most atheists and blue staters aren't trying to rip down churches. But do they go too far sometimes? Yes, in my opinion, for the comfort of many red staters they do. So let the red state nation be rid of atheist liberals. We'll deal with them in blue state country. We don't mind. We'll take them. And red states can have whole public schools or towns even named after Jesus or Mary or Christ if they want to. LET THEM. It's their country. Dig? Now, we could go on and on. And what's interesting is that a lot of people are probably reading this and thinking that THEIR country sounds AWESOME. The country they most align with that is... And that's the point. Their country WILL BE awesome. For THEM. No more arguing on social media. No more protests and marches and screaming and shouting in the media 24/7. No more insane tweets from the president. Hell, most blue staters won't even read tweets from the red state president. And why should they? He's not their president. They'll read tweets from their own president. And let the red staters consider FOX News an actual media outlet. As outlandish as that may sound to some, it's their sovereign right as a nation. Just as it is the right of blue staters to consider the New York Times a media outlet (not that I'm equating one with the other. But many red staters do.... Let them.) Of course the blue state country needs to grow the hell up and recognize that MSNBC is NOT a media outlet. Call it what it is, political propaganda or entertainment. But that ain't objective journalism. Chances are it will be easy to get most blue staters to acknowledge that if they got FOX News the hell off of their TV -- except for entertainment purposes, like say you want to just chill and have a laugh after a long day at work. FOX News can be hilarious at times. It's perfect for that. But it just won't be called "news". More like the Stephen Colbert show. It's satire. It's funny. So let's get to the heart of the matter. The REAL heart of the matter. The red states will never allow the blue states to create their own country. And if they were smart, they wouldn't. Because the majority of the economic power of the U.S. presently is in blue states. The big dogs are all in blue state nation. Sound familiar? Yep. Now we're back to "Lincoln's War of Aggression" due to fear of economic collapse, where he ordered the entire force and might of U.S. military to attack the Southern States and force them to NOT secede. Even though they wanted to. Now I'm no Southerner. Nor a confederacy lover. Honestly the site of that flag creeps me out. But I respect other people's rights. And state sovereignty. And if southern states wanted to keep on truckin as they were and leave the Union to do so, so be it. The North was just too scared of what would become of them without the economic powerhouse that the South was at that time. That's the cold hard truth of it. And I just bet that the same exact people who wanted to secede 150 years ago would be demanding that president Trump NOT allow the blue states to secede and start their own country NOW. Think about it for a second. Regardless of which party you tend to side with. Will red staters really allow WA, CA, NY, NJ, CT, VT, NH etc start their own country and separate from the U.S.? Probably not. But not because they don't like the idea... Hell they'll love the idea once they get how awesome their country is going to be. Peace at last. Peace at last. But what would they do economically? Where's THEIR Wall Street? Where's THEIR Amazon and Microsoft and Intel and Apple and Google and Facebook and Twitter etc? That's the real issue, just as it was 150 years ago. Well, I'll tell you what they'd do. First off, a lot of republicans are smart and wealthy people who work on Wall Street. So they're not going to be without brains. Despite what snobby democrats think or say. Red State Nation can either start their own big tech companies. OR the blue state nation can easily draft up a bilateral free trade deal with the red state nation. Trump loves bilateral trade deals. He'll have a field day. Of course, he'll have to move. New York is just about as true blue liberal as they come. (But wasn't Trump a democrat for most of his adult life? Oh yeah, but sssshhhhhh. We pretend that didn't happen. I'm joking of course. Most know I sincerely believe that president Trump has noble intentions for America, is one hell of a hard working machine AND he's WINNING. Big time winning on a lot of fronts. I may not happen to agree with every direction he's going in or wants to go in, nor with his unorthodox methods, but unlike democrats (which I'm not), I don't mind admitting the above. And that's the problem with many democrats. They refuse to even entertain the possibility that Trump loves America and has good intentions. And that's just close minded and wrong. So... LET THEM LEAVE. See? Again and again we arrive at the same place. Screw the democrats and their progressive anti-Trump bs. Let them start their own country. Easier.) (Yes, I know, by now one might be thinking, "well where the hell are YOU going to live mr. ambassador?" Honestly I'd probably go Big Blue. I may not like democrats, especially now. But I do tend to just feel more comfortable in as liberal of an environment as possible. My motto, "if it's not hurting anyone, let us do it." And that goes both ways. Which also makes me align with the republicans a lot. Because in some ways republicans are very "let us do what we have the rights to do". And that's the problem with the country right now as it stands. We just have two very different groups of people who want very different things. So if red staters want guns in every room of every house and now in every classroom of every school, heck, let them have it. In that aspect, I may occasionally be more of a libertarian. Who knows? Maybe we end up with three or four countries. A little Europe. It could be very cool.) Of course there will be some discomfort in the process at the beginning. There always is. As many people will want to move. We have to remember that the red and blue demographics are symbolic. Most states are more purplish... But generalities do exist. Alabama, Louisiana, Florida, South Carolina etc. aren't about to go blue anytime soon. And why should they? Truth be told, they shouldn't be forced to. Not when we have a simple solution right in front of us. Imagine a world where all the bickering and arguing and right versus wrong is just gone. No more "f*ck trump" signs and social media posts. They're gone. All that is over. For lack of a better way of putting it, we have our paradise and they have their's. And if you suddenly wake up one day and you realize that you don't like the country you live in, you can always apply for a visa to move to the other country. Heck it's just one state over in some cases. And we're still in "the United States". Sort of. And that's really what it comes down to: We'll still be united in many many ways. We'll share the military. We'll share the same currency. We'll share the same financial markets. But socially and politically and perhaps even fiscally we'll just be very different nations. And THAT would be a very good thing for everyone. We'll be less stressed. We'll be happier. We'll be healthier. And best of all we can finally make our own laws and stop this constant see-sawing with the laws every 4 to 8 years. It's maddening for all of us, no? Instead we let it go. We stop the madness. We accept that we are sincerely two very different groups of people at this point. So the question I pose to you on this eve of Independence Day, is not whether you agree with this or not. I've already made up my mind. We either head there and start implementing it now, or we continue to tear ourselves to pieces on a daily basis and keep feeling angry hostile upset sad and stressed. I know which I've chosen. No sense in trying to talk me out of it. And that's the point of this post. Those days are gone. It's a dumb game anyway. And a complete waste of time. My question is this: How do we start the process? How does it work? Where do we start? How did the South start? Where did they go wrong? How can we avoid the same fate? What's the strategy? Are there any legal grounds for states to do this? Or has the federal government gotten so damn big and bloated and fascist that it's made it impossible? (See? I told you I'm hard to peg down... But see, I'd rather try to respectfully convince my Blue State Nation citizens of the importance of smaller government than argue with red staters over gun control or immigration or social welfare programs or universal healthcare or abortion. There are just some issues that neither group is ever going to budge on. But there are SOME that we'll both be able to massage a little bit to make most people in each of our two countries happy. And that's really what it comes down to.) It's time to vote for happiness and health my friends. It's past time. Let's just accept our differences, stop the arguing and create two independent nations that are united on many or at least several fronts. And don't worry... We'll both still have Twitter and Facebook and Insta and Skype and Facetime. So we won't even miss each other. But we sure won't be bickering all the time anymore. Paradise I tell you. Absolute paradise is ours for the taking. All we have to do is take that first step. via Facebook

A Really Important Chapter

CaraBanned:

So let's see...how did the last dream end? With Kysme jokingly saying "that totally makes me wanna kiss you" and Liyah just going "Well, why haven't you?" not so jokingly...

I assume there wouldn't be a real action taken right now? Instead, Aaliyah just...turns her head back towards the sky, silently. "I kind of mean it, Kysme. Why haven't you kissed me yet?" And there was silence, or at least a certain type of white noise in which you know somebody is talking, but the words fall on deaf ears. (I imagine Kysme replies dumbly, "What do you mean", or a variation of that)

" Actually, no, I have a better question- do you think there could ever be anything between us? I don't mean anything casual or like friends with benefits sort of shit. Could you see us being more than friends, the meaningful way?" No white noise, only silence. Aaliyah probably huffs, her face feeling kind of hot on account of being embarrassed. She shouldn't have brought this up, but oh well, it's already up. She might as well continue. So she does. "You don't gotta lie to me or anything, coddle my feelings or some shit. I just wanna know! And I'm not trying to force anything on you, because I don't really know how I feel about you either. I know that I care about you at least, and sometimes i mix feelings up within myself. I just want things to be clear. So..." She'd blow a strand of hair out of her face with a sigh. "Yeah."

There, she said it. Now all she has to do is wait.(edited)

And that's when things got unclear because how the fuck am i supposed to figure out meaningful dialogue for kysme by myself-

Memphis-Rex:

My girl.

//Clutches chest

CaraBanned:

LMAO MEMPHIS

Memphis-Rex:

SHE JUST LAID IT OUT STRAIGHT AND BARE IN ONE SHOT.

The bravery-

CaraBanned:

GOD YEAH tbh I think the whole journey of this dreamscape just...came from that talk a long time ago? Me asking you if you think that kysme could toy with the fact that the two could be something more? (Rightly named in the blog "something more") basically just liyah putting her heart out on her sleeve all vulnerable and what not and trusting kysme to be serious with her for a second.

if only I could be like that in real life tho, shitttt

Memphis-Rex:

I feel serious Kysme would be silent a lot since he's actually taking time to chew over his words before spitting them out. So yeah those silences are something-

CaraBanned:

Oh gosh, glad that was right on the mark then. Don't take too long though, Kysme. Liyah might start feeling real silly, getting up and trying to brush it off like

Memphis-Rex :

And hmmmm. I feel like he might counter with a question first. After a tense moment he relaxes back into the grass, staring at the sky as well. "I don't know. I don't usually feel this way about people either. Am I even worth a genuine effort at something more? I fuck up so easily."

In that brief moment his tough guy persona slips aside, and you can see his own insecurity of losing things he cares about and his fears of being emotional.

Maybe, for once, his voice sounds gentle.

Kysme is fully aware of how shitty he can be. Sometimes he can't help it. In a way, he doesn't want to be the one who hurts her.

Would he be able to forgive himself for such a thing.

CaraBanned:

Oh, hey Memphis?

Fuck you???

This hurts more than it should?? Vunerable Kysme????ouch???

Lmao you can sleep now though if needed, you'll be rewarded a nice piece of HC. Thank you for your efforts.

CaraBanned:

His response would make liyah do a double take-turning her head to watch him again, her face obviously surprised by his change of tone. Wow. Just wow. Imagine her mouth opening to form words, though not being able to really say anything at first. Just studying his face.

"You're worth it."

Not a general, safe, 'everyone is worth it', or a shrug and wishy-washy kind of deliverance. It would be said with a quiet kind of conviction, like she actually means it. Because she does. And she smiles a bit at that, fondly. "Trust me, Kysme. I've been through the ringer a couple times with this kind of shit. Fucking up comes with the playing field- don't be so hard on yourself."

And I can see her doing something sweet, like reaching out and grabbing a hold of kysme's hand, gently so. Something to know that she's there, that she hears him. "But someone else's words probably mean nothing when your mind is convinced. Maybe you have to convince yourself that youre worth it, yeah?" She'd sigh, still her hand on top of his, a comfortable sort of silence.

Memphis-Rex:

There's gonna be a pause as he relishes the sensation of her hands on his. You know with how often he takes her hand jokingly to stare at its glistening surface, it's probably the first time she held his hand of her own accord. He'd bite his lip, say something like "I'll work on it." Another moment. Then, a careful movement as to not crush the arm that was previously holding his hand, he rolls over to lie on his side, closer to her, propping himself up on one elbow. There's this intense look in his candy colored eyes as he gazes down upon her face, and this time he doesn't hide it (recap-- the time he'd get distracted looking at her while she talks about movies). He's just taking it all in, up close, straightforwardly. "...But we can change one thing first." He says, referring to the earlier question of why he hasn't kissed her yet. And---

(ok if Aaliyah isn't down with this we can always change it XD)(edited)

Memphis-Rex:

Pt. 2--- Hypothetically speaking, if they do indeed get together, I feel nothing too much will change about their dynamics? They still have their silly banters and teasing, but finally they're not repressing their feelings so it feels more..liberating? To show some act of affection.

And I'm not saying Kysme becomes perfect boyfriend material immediately. He still makes her eyes roll to the sky with his stupidity. ("Shit, he's the biggest dumbass in the world but he's my dumbass" suddenly crosses my mind)

But there are some subtle changes in the way he acts now.(edited)

Is she going to feel bothered by his habit of occasionally sleeping with strangers (seeing her past with another pretty boy cough cough)? Cause I think the amount of times he fools around will dwindle if he's in a relationship but habits/hobbies die hard...He would try to be transparent about the matter though.

CaraBanned:

(I FUCKING FELL ALSEEP WAITING FOR THIS. GOD. FUCKING. DAMNIT.)

(First of all aaliyah is down yes of course the fuck you think memphis //still reading/)

Memphis-Rex:

(HAHAHA)

(And you woke up?! Now?!)

(also doesn't hurt to double check lel)

CaraBanned:

(LOL my body must have realized that I was missing straight up PERFECT QUALITY HCING)

(And true! Okay hold on while I respond something good.)

Oh gosh, your respond to the HC kind of like, feels like the perfect end already, but I will add on one thing to it- the idea of Aaliyah's heart thumping faster and faster as she realizes what exactly kysme is about to do. A loud thump, thump, thump pounding against her ears. Her eyes growing wider and her heart jumping at her throat, because holy shit...is he really gonna do it? Is he really going to do it? and when he does do it, its like something clicks in place with her head. Something nice and tender and a little scary. She'd close her eyes and sink into the kiss almost immediately, moving her hands up to cup his cheeks and hoping to god that that burning sensation comes soon- it would be safe to assume that she herself has been guilty of wondering how it would feel on her lips, sue her. (If it does come soon then she's probably left breathless and panting and if kysme asks if she needs a second she just goes "Fuck no." She was waiting for this kiss, even if she didnt think she was ever going to get it. (stay tuned for pt.2)

And I was gonna say that too, tbh! Like...they didn't need much to shift at all- theyve always been pretty comfy with each other and to the outside viewer it probably doesnt look like anything at all has changed unless they spot some nuances (like couch hand holding, aaliyah not complaining when the guy touches her, even if he grabs her by the waist or something, her sitting on his lap while watching a movie, etc) It just kind of...comes naturally. Liberating, as you say. Just...everything is right for once. (Also don't mind me but I totally wouldn't mind if this became non-hypothetical, if ya know what I mean, hueh hueh. //rubs my grubby raccoon hands together/).

The stupidity becomes endearing in a way, exactly as you say ("my big pink dumbass").

No, I don't think she's going to be bothered by it if he's honest about it (and as long as he saves his sweetest parts for her, you know? Like don't go confiding in strangers when you have a perfectly good girlfriend here to cuddle with.) The issue that destroyed her and Samael's relationship, besides the politics, was the lying to cover the hookups and the using and emotional abuse. It wasn't the fact that Sam was sleeping around, its the fact that she was the last to know, usually through other people. And what a shitty feeling is that. So even if he still has trouble with the deep conversation portion or the relationship, as long as he isn't lying to her face on petty shit, she wont make a big deal about it. Maybe even jokes about it when he tells her. ("Oh, cool. So is that the one you were talking about organizing the threesome with?") And that is to say that although she herself isn't someone to sleep around, I could see her branching out herself, once or twice. Lol (also speaking of which if we are going down this road she 'll likely tell him about that whole relationship fiasco, get ready for that can of worms kysme)

Janis & Grace

Janis: Idk if you're still up but I need that favour called in whilst we're in Spain okay Grace: No drama Grace: Within reason, anything, obvs Janis: Yeah, nothing big, I swear Janis: just...if Jim contacts you, just say I'm crazy busy, alright? Idk, you know the bullshit, but fob him off and don't tell him anything more than you have to Grace: Okay Grace: He'll buy that, we've been here, there and everywhere on our end of this exchange Janis: Yeah, idk if he will Janis: and idk if he'll even bother coming to you but if he does Grace: What's wrong, babe? Grace: What did he do? Janis: Nothing, he didn't do anything wrong Janis: but I fucked up big time, never a better time for scheduled running away though fuck knows it ain't long enough Grace: Yeah tbf whatever else is off your timing's not Janis: I'm such a bitch Grace: I'm not gonna kick you when you're obvs down, but like Grace: I know Grace: What happened? Janis: Yeah Janis: pretending I was capable of anything but was my mistake Janis: He told me he loved me and I just fucking Janis: ran away Grace: Fuck Grace: Okay Grace: That's bad, but it could be worse. I mean, I know you love him back Janis: Obviously not or I wouldn't have done that, would I Grace: Sure Jan Grace: Getting scared doesn't mean you don't Janis: You don't get it, Grace Janis: his Mum ain't dead, alright Janis: she left as in she's missing and they don't know where she is, still Janis: now do you see how bad it is Grace: Oh Grace: But he knows you, he'll understand Grace: I mean, yeah, it'll have hurt Janis: He shouldn't have to understand Janis: It was fucked up Janis: I can't be that, what he wants Grace: Give him some credit though Grace: He knows about Edie Grace: He just knows Grace: And he wants to be with you. Obviously Janis: Having a dead sister isn't a free pass or an excuse Grace: You aren't trying to use one Grace: You're torn up like Grace: You wouldn't care if you were just hiding behind that stuff Janis: Whatever Janis: doesn't change the fact it happened Janis: got to own it Grace: And talk to him Grace: I owe you one and I'll do what you asked me if that's really what you want but I don't think so Janis: It isn't but it's what it is Janis: I can't change how I am Janis: that was me trying and it fucked up Janis: shouldn't have dragged him into it in the first place Grace: Please! You've never dragged that boy anywhere Grace: Whatever you do next you probably owe him an explanation for what you did Janis: I could've kept him away if I had wanted to Janis: do it with everyone else Janis: I know but Janis: what'll it change or achieve Grace: And how's that worked out for you bitch, I'm right here Grace: And he still would've caught his feelings, can't control that Grace: Like you can't let him think whatever he is right now cos OMG Janis: I know Janis: but I can't turn 'round like oops now Janis: he ain't gonna want to see me rn Grace: Why? Grace: You've run before Grace: And he'll wanna know how you really feel Grace: Plus if you're okay cos lbr he's one of the good ones Janis: yeah but Janis: not like that Janis: there's no coming back from that Grace: didn't you think that after Skerries? Grace: I'm not trying to be a bitch, but genuinely Grace: You can't say that until you speak to him Janis: I know Janis: I can't though Janis: not right now Janis: maybe not ever Janis: I don't know what to say Grace: I get it Grace: It's hard to be honest Grace: especially if you've already fucked up Grace: Don't rush tbf cos that might be worse Janis: Should I just go Janis: or explain as much as we've said here Janis: like, I'm sorry and I need time and all that shit Grace: I think so Grace: even if its a text Grace: just say what you can Janis: Alright Janis: I will Janis: Thanks, Grace Grace: Anytime, you know Grace: If you need to sneak to his I can cover for you Janis: Cheers Janis: I just can't Grace: I know Grace: you've made it this far though, like that's a thing Grace: Like you said, you push everyone away but he's lasted Janis: 'til now yeah Janis: ah fuck Grace: I can't keep a lad ever Grace: you've been together ages Grace: you havent done everything wrong, babes Janis: That's the lads you've picked, though Grace: not an excuse if yours aren't Janis: alright well, we aren't here to drag you and your life choices rn Janis: so you're okay Grace: 😌 Grace: Do you want me to come in, I can shoo my boy back to where he should be sleeping Janis: nah Janis: not trying to ruin your good time Janis: i'm fine Grace: do you wanna go tomorrow? we could say you're sick or something Janis: nah, i've got to go Janis: can't stay here Grace: 👌 Grace: do message him or whatever though Janis: 'course Janis: anyway go get some sleep Janis: or whatever Grace: I can't Grace: lowkey stressed about tomorrow Janis: why? Grace: I'm not making rn about me Grace: you don't need to hear it Janis: feel free Janis: any distraction Grace: okay but just know it's stupid and cringe in comparision Grace: I'm freaking out cos I have to meet his family and friends like I know he did ours, but we weren't a thing, then Grace: idek Janis: you'll be good Janis: just let him set the tone and follow his lead on that one like Janis: that way, you can't go too hard Janis: or undersell it and look like a bitch Janis: be the least of our worries if his fam are psychos, running for our lives, like Grace: can they even be as weird as ours Janis: they'd struggle Janis: no offence, like, but that trophy is ours Grace: 😂 Janis: drafting the text now Grace: you've got this, babes Janis: how do I even put this in words Janis: I so don't Grace: start with sorry Janis: yeah Janis: just spam him with that 'til he blocks me, like Grace: and don't ask him if he's okay cos like obvs not Janis: 😖 Janis: i want to die Grace: I know Grace: not that I've been here myself but Janis: I know I'm whining Janis: I'll just do it Janis: stop being a pussy Grace: oh honey Grace: I've whined to you so many times, it's 👌 Janis: [Sends the text] Janis: is that Janis: i mean, that's alright, yeah? Grace: Yeah Grace: I think so Grace: It's sounds good Grace: Ugh not like Grace: It sounds right Janis: Okay Janis: That's all we can aim for right now Janis: not like it'll suffice Janis: already fucked it up, no avoiding that Grace: not to be that bitch but let me know when he replies Grace: not if cos he will Janis: yeah, sure Janis: i wouldn't normally drag you into my stuff but Janis: i didn't know what to do Janis: still don't but yeah Grace: I know Grace: but I'm happy to have still been up Grace: can't do much but anyway Janis: nah, you've helped Grace: 🤞 Grace: I want to Janis: anyway, blatantly not going to bed but no need for us both to be sat here waiting for the response Janis: you at least try, yeah? Grace: Sure Grace: Won't be that many hours until we have to be going anyway Grace: my concealer will be earning it's price tag Janis: right, might be needing to borrow that Janis: or some ridiculously oversized shades Janis: very european Grace: whichever you go with, I've got you covered Grace: 💋