#i dont want money or anything i just need to vent
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#within the course of like a week and a half i:#have gotten three (3) random bloody noses#stained my brand new (and fav) shirt#discovered all the cats have fleas and flea medication is actually quite expensive#broke my fav pair of converse#shattered my fav (and only) coffee mug#dropped my laptop and cracked the screen#accidentally broke my phone to the point its unusable#lost the sim card to my backup phone (making it also unusable)#realized i am apparently still several thousand dollars in debt to a university i thought i owed nothing to#didnt pass the interview to my dream job#broke my fav headband#and now someone stole my bike#i dont want money or anything i just need to vent#im about to mcfucking lose it
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i'm going to be honest i have no idea what i'm going to do. i messed up my choices for higher education and now i have barely a couple days to pick between a cursus way too difficult for me, a highly specialized cursus with shit outcomes, and a leap of faith into whatever kind of gap year alternative can get me out of my parents' hair for the time being. note how i have no fucking idea what that alternative could be, or what path i'd like to take ideally. fun.
#yeah yeah i know happens to everyone#anyway im. not happy abt the future outcomes rn#on one hand i know if i never choose the path of challenges i'm never gonna get anywhere#on the other hand my mental health is always a dumpster fire and i'm honestly not sure what's the way to fix it#if i have to waste my parents money being their vaguely adequate enough lapdog six more months i'm going to spontaneously die i think#but education costs money and takes efforts and i dont know what to do#i don't know what's my goal#i don't like anything anymore. i don't have any particular skills. i suck at anything actually useful.#please just assign me anything that needs to be done and pay me a living wage#i just don't want to choose#the only thing i think i'd feel alright doing is healthcare but. yknow. huge phobia of anatomy. not a science type.#and the crippling fear of inadequacy doing anything not the EXACT way it's meant to be done#i couldn't switch mid-year i just couldn't i don't fucking want to live that kind of feeling again#broadcasting my misery#vent
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trying to figure out how long i should wait until i just take the dive and go find a locket (perhaps... a beetle locket even,,,) online and cough up the $20+ CAD flat-rate shipping price,,,
i just want a little locket to wear ,,, have a guz picture in it like a sappy fool,,,, BOY HOWDY DO I FEEL SILLY FOR IT THOUGH DHDKDL
#i gotta figure out how to nut up and take comms fbdjdl#i have such high expectations for myself though fhdksl i need them to be Perfect otherwise i will feel awful receiving money for anything#maybe i should knuckle down and rly work on figuring out art stuff in a more technical way hmmm#try to figure out what exactly is making certain aspects tick so that i can recreate those reliably#AUAAHGGHH i just wanted to find smth on this trip tbh 😭 i looked so much for anything bug-themed#but it was all just rly standard dragonfly and butterfly charms and earrings and whatnot fjdksl those are not Special or Interesting...#i like dragonflies a lot dont get me wrong. i just want like... idk. i guess beetle-themed stuff tbh ^^;;#beetles are so cutes... why dont they get more love... little beetle stud earrings would be so cute OUGHH#also idk where to buy stuff anymore bc etsy is garbage and amazon is obviously garbage.#ebay i guess but then shipping is $40+ CAD usually ;-; why is shipping so crazy for like... an envelope sized item...#im also worried like... what if smth happens and I just. somehow get bored of Guz. waugh that makes me sad and scared to think about#but I've had the nickname Junebug in my brain for myself for several years from a previous thing so fhfkdl#i think the beetle thing will stick around for a long time even if ... somehow Guz doesn't#also i just love beetles fjfkdl i always have and i think i likely always will#dandy.cmd#vent //
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GAAHAHHHHH
#venting in the tags#maybe its just past darkness and the Bad Thoughts which i shouldnt listen to are clouding my brain too much#but i feel so fucking weird and inadequate over everything rn#im unable to work on drawings as i usually would have and its kinda plaguing everything which it should like yeah i love drawing but#i cant let just one aspect of me ruin everything. right? the fact that i havent been able to draw as well as i usually can should make me#feel sick to the stomach and unsure about everything i do but it happening and i hate it.#plus i got the ipad id saved up from the comms to buy and its fun and nice and all and maybe i just need more practice with it but i feel#like im not able to draw on it even more? and i spent the whole day trying to get used to it but its just not as good?? and then when i went#back to the no screen wacom i couldnt get a hang of it becuase idek its just not happening#and also the fucking art block wants me dead i swear i want to draw so bad and i have so many ideas but the moment i start anything its just#crumbles down into nothingness and i hate everything i do and gods fuck i want to cry but i can because there are people at home and#usually im a big 'crybaby' when im at home but i dont fucjing wanna be like that anymore like i can handly my shit myself im fine.#i dont need to just fuckinf cry abiut it becuase thats not gonna fox anything but also i feel like crying might just make me feel better#but then id have to hear shit from my family and i know theyre just teasing in a /pos way but i dont wanna fucking deal with that#plus my brother iust talking to him os annoying sometimes like he talks about things so condescendingly and fucking hel dude shut#the fuck up i dont need you telling me that my art is something people can 'just do' and the fact that i was able to get the ipad#'basically for free since i got that money from the little drawings i make' as if they dont fucking mean anything to you like#shut the fucking fuck up dude i worked hard on those and even though i dont like my own shit sometimes i still fucking work hard on those#fuck you you bitch#i think a lot of things are just piling up and i need to sleep#tomorrow will be a new dawn and a fresh start and maybe ill hate myself less#ps. note to anyone reading the tags#im fine i just needed to yell out and express my frustration a bit. some sleep will help surely.
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see the reality is i post on my rps usually when nobodys been there a bit and nobody is probably online, but the mental illness in me keeps saying its bc everyone secretly hates me and i dont deserve love, and when i tell a gov doctor that, they basically just say ‘take your antidepressant’s and shut up’ which is also funny when said gov doctor wont refill my fucking antidepressants in the first place
#what i need is smthn for my anxiety and PROBABLY the obviously worsening ocd#but anxiety meds and antidepressants dont mix well#just like adhd meds and anything else dont mix well#which is why i just have a redbull if i need to focus bx it works for a few hours and then i pass out#which isnt healthy but its better than going through the diagnosis process AGAIN bc they dont have my info anymore#its early sad times rn w brina who hasnt gotten an ounce of treatment at all hi#see the other thing is#if i talk about my mental health at all#people will either hate me for being annoying which is what my brain will pinpoint#or feel sorry for me which i also dont want#all i rly wanna do is vent but thats never really an option at all#like yes i know its not normal to want to have a breakdown and cry bc your fucking pillow isnt the correct fluff and wont dluff#i know its not normal to feel like you should die because something wasnt in fhe spot you put it in and was moved slightly#im aware. and the reality is nobody who can do anything about it cares#i have to get an authorization to see a therapist or get meds at all even tho the card claims i dont have to#and the doc tbey gave me wont give me one#they dont allow email so i cant leave a paper trail when bitching at them and my calls go ignored#im losing my mind steadily#and thats not even onto the physical problems#but also the sheer fucking audacity of the website being all ‘oh just go to ERs and UC snd we’ll cover it’ vs hospitals specifically saying#‘we will refuse you if you have Gov Ins unless you have the money to pay out of pocket#if youre on gov insurance you dont have fucking money thats the entire fucking point. you creedy fucknuts go shove tour nepotism in your#fucking eyes and die if anyone doesnt deserve to fuck its you fuckfaces#sometimes i just want to scream esp when this doesnt seem to be most other ppls issues#but then i talk to other women and it is#it just doesnt make sense and i hate it#but i never rly got help on private insurance either so#tbd#depression cw
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i cannot express through words how much i hate the stem program at my school
#Ouuuhhhhh#if i didnt need you id be outta heeeere#literaly eveyone is transphobic it sucks#i heard this guy an his bf saying shit like ''what if a dude was secretly a chick''#''no there are only two genders''#god#they just . pressure us so much too#sorry man i cannot taje 2937495 extra classes#my teacher once gave me a 30 minute rant abt wby i should quit band#i left crying and also he cut into my lunch time so i couldnt eat#theres like. no creativity in anything we do uggbbbbbbh#i hate the business part of all this stuff I dont want to work for walmart#i want to make art through robotics and make animatronics#and ride tracks#i want to bring joy through robotics#not bring money to companies who replace their employees with robots#vent
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#i just need to vent for a second i dont really want to bother anyone to talk about this so yea here i am#i have been so depressed for weeks. so depressed. more than i have been wanting to admit to myself#i cant stop crying#i am such a failure at life… i am not a good enough artist or a good enough person for what that matters#i really feel like no one cares about me or about being around me#i have been losing will to even draw because i feel like i am not even that good at that… i know being good isnt the point but still#i feel so bad…. i am literally 24 and i look at how my life is and im like ..? how#and i remember how i used to picture my life at this point when i was little.. i literally thought id have kids by now like ??? i thought#id be starting a family and id be working and starting to put money away or whatever#and id be full of people who love me around..#but im here laying in bed crying because its just another day of not being able to get out of bed of 9 years of clinical depression#i thought i was doing better since i started art school.. but here i am#barely ate at lunch and still feeling like i might throw up#started thinking again about sh and s*****e after a really long time. kinda heartbreaking when i realized it#i cant focus on anything and i cant work on anything.. all i want to do is sleep#oh well
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oh i want to make bad decisions so fucking bad
#my stupid ass depressed brain keeps dragging the Stupidest shit forward#shit that i KNOW would be a bad impulsive idea#but i need something anything rn#on the more productive end#i have been considering going back to school#and seeing if maybe i could go somewhere actually prestigious#but that is also a very bad impulsive idea#bc money#idk im just feeling lonely#and tbh i have never said this out loud#bc i dont want to be seen as some attention seeking asshole#but i think i'm autistic#and on god i'm so so tired of trying#i'm fucking floundering here bc i dont know how to be around people at all and its really catching up with me#bc [redacted]#i feel like i'm down to 2 people i can really just be myself around#i feel like i'm customer servicing literally everyone else i talk to#vent#lea speaks#god i'm sorry guys#i'm just crying again#on the bright side#i exercised today#and i went to work#and i showered lmao#god the bar is on the floor
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#i wish ppl wouldn’t buy me things and expect me to pay them back without like. telling me or asking me first. like ik she said she isnt lik#worried about when i can pay it back but /i/ am#i hate owing ppl money it stresses me out more than anything else#its why im constantly stressed about paying off my car#even tho I KNOW that i will be able to finish paying it off in time before the cut off#but. its still really stressful and i hate it a lot#cause then its all i can think about till its done#like if someone gets me a gift thats awesome n cool#but if you get me something because they might run out before i can get it and you expect me to pay you back#please like#ask first? before doing it? so i can plan on that kinda thing#or say no if i feel like i need to#even if its not stressful for YOU its stressful for ME#im happy to have what they got me and its not that expensive to repay#but i really didn’t want that pang of stress right now when im already dealing w stuff#little stressors are still stressors and they add up yk#i just. needed to vent where they wouldn’t see cause i dont like venting abut ppl where they can see it i think its rude#so obviously obligatory this is about no one on this platform even a little bit#delete later
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this got away from me
#i wish i was a rich pretty guy or something but instead im a regular looking regular guy with parents that earn regular money#i was born to be one of those annoying bratty rich kids who dont work ever. that should be me#or something. i complain about work constantly but guys i do not want to go to school. i dont. i dont. i dont i dont. i dont i dont and i#dont know what to do about it. its spring. ive got like a month to figure out how im getting out of this#im not doing this i cannot do this. i cant i cant i cant. im so stressed i can tell im so stressed bc im getting acne and my eczema is awfu#its only a matter of time before i break out in hives or some shit i cant do it i cant do it. i cant. i cant#god everything is really getting to me. i cant i dont have a place here i dont i have no purpose in life and everyone just wants me to act#like. thats not true bc um. well! haha what are you gonna do! haha its fine. keep moving forward. ignore your anxiety and the fact that#everything makes you miserable constantly. and even the things that make you happy make you miserable. ignore that#go to college. normal ppl go to college :) no you want to sleep all day because youre not doing anything. which is a personal failure.#you should instead do something that makes you miserable. thatll fix it. dont kill yourself thats stupid. you have so much to live for! lik#um. well youre supposed to live. so. ignore yknow everything in the world and push forward. bc it will get better! once um.#um. yknow. you graduate in 8 years? be a dentist…. um bc. you like teeth. and it makes money. and well you need the money! youre going to#college!!!! you need that money to pay for it after all. dont think about it dont think about it dont think about it dont think about it#its okay we’ll do everything we can to make it cheaper. to do the thing you dont want to do at all even a little bit. no dont kill yourself#you have so much to live for! a career in something youve never been interested in! or yknow a different career youre not interested in#i dont want to kill myself!!! i dont want to kill myself i want something to fucking live for!!!!!! a want a life that doesnt make me feel#like i have to kill myself!!!!!!!!!!#simons spouting#vent :(#suicide //
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#im going to kms soon#i wish talking about it was less like “dont kys lol!!!” and more like accepting#we need to destigmatize suicide as a society that doesn't let people live#theres not really anything for me and all i do is hold everyone back#i hope the people i love are successful#but everyone is moving on and becoming cemented in their careers and making money and im being left behind. i dont really belong anywhere#vent#dont come into my dms or asks to try and make me feel better. i dont want pity or anything. i just wanted to talk about it#i just have to wait for the rest of my rejections
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#i wish grief could come at a time when im not already hurting#i know thats not how anything works but i was stressing over knowing i should take my dog to the vet since shes old#and needs to get checkups regularly now#but im already hurting bad on bills#and it hits me that my friends death anniversary is in two months#and i just lost it#like how can i do this right now how can i handle this#i took the day to get myself in sorts and it was kinda working but after my partners gone to work its setting in again#I have shit i need to do#i need to make money now i dont have time to sit with this#but all i want to do is cry#vent
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i hate people who dont understand my sensory issues and either treat it as a joke, purposely do the thing that upsets me, tell me to get over or get used to it. im sorry i cant fucking control that and dont you think ive tried to ignore or get over certain issues?? i just wish people could understand me and just let me vibe
#doesnt help i dont have a diagnosis for anything#id probably be told not to use my diagnosis as an excuse like bruh :/#vent#this is kinda why i was denied to go to a doctor as a minor since they were worried id just use it as an excuse to be a sack of shit#but now as an adult i have no money or a license to allow me to get one easily and it doesnt help im busy with uni now#i just want a diagnosis so i can finally sleep at night and get the help i need#i just want to live as normal as i can
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i HAVE to think of a present my mother in law and my grandmother in law can give me for christmas and its stressing me out and im guilt spiralling abt it from time to time i love having anxiety cause it turns positive things into guilt wooohooo
#i live with my bf (and therefor my mother in law) and she pays for my food and i dont pay rent so i dont really feel well taking christmas#presents from her#and especially not my grandma in law cause shes super cute and she only has her pension to live on and i know that that cant be a whole lot#of money#and i have no idea what i want bc i have limited space where i can put stuff#and i dont really need anything rn#last christmas the present was convenient cause i needed smth then but now i have no idea what i could wish for#and i dont wanna wish for anything superficial just so they could give me smth bc then ill feel bad abt wasting their money#i do not like this#ben vents#bennitastisch
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always a little tear when i hear someone talk abt loving their parents smh
#like. there are so many people i know who have received some kind of mistreatment from their parents on various levels of severity#even worse than mine????? and yet i cant help but feel like im lying when i say i love my parents and feel like anything positive must be i#insincere and i carry this?????resentment?????towards them around and its heavy and. i have no idea#i just really fucking need help methinks. maybe therapy. but i cant live like this#but i also dont want to ask my parents for therapy bc i dont wanna make them suffer???? and im technically a legal adult but there are no c#concrete real possibilities for me to get proper therapy on my own???bc there are no therapists in my godforsaken neighbourhood and there i#isnt even the mandatory local health center bc this fucking city has no money????? i hate it hate hate hate hate it here#tw vent
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making MY own money and having MY own personal credit card is such a surreal moment for me. i can actually buy things now without having to ask others (im still in that habit but one day. one day.)! i can put money in my bank account and only i will know about it! i can LITERALLY commission my art (likely will never do it but the thought is there)! i don't have to repeatedly thank strangers on discord for gifting me nitro (thabks, still)! i can finally be scammed on websites that steal your credit card info!
It feels so weird. I'm technically not financially independent yet but I am in the position where my actions have an aftermath, good or bad.
#littleturtle? more like littlethoughts#I cant put this in the vent category because this is more of a revelation than anything#i know this post kinda makes it sound like i lived a life where i had no independence/privacy#but thats definitely not true. i just was so used to...not having what i have now#unrelated but HUGE shout out to that one person who liked my AWA post bc FINALLY some appreciation for that game u.u#i surprisingly dont have art block. i just am planning to release a post with a lot of art in it#its just that while drawing i realized i can make money with my art now#huge chance that would never happen but...i do have a history of at least making gift art for people#rarely got anything back in return but that was because i usually never wanted anything LMAO#anyway next art post should be original art because i need to give the impression that i actually am an original person#i cant see my popular tags but im sure they must be fanart or something lololol#twenty-ninth post
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