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pinkandlilacroses · 3 days

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Angel - Paige bueckers

part 3

• summary {when an unsuspecting girl falls for the basketball star}

• warnings {drug use, angst}

• comment if you would like to be added to the taglist

bella’s pov

“ok you can go now” she says, emotionless

“oh”

“i mean, no offence but i have a girl coming soon, so you cant be here” she says laying on her back, breaking our eye contact

i don’t respond and put my clothes back on. this is fucked

“have a nice night”

i haven’t cried this much in months, walking through the halls, ugly crying.

‘paige’ has been blocked by ‘bella’

“bella whats wrong” avery says, empathetically

“i hate her, i hate her so much” i cry, barley being able to choke the words out

i look at avery after my response and i have never seen her that angry, there could fully be steam coming from her ears.

“please dont talk to her, please dont hurt her, please avery, please” i cry out, begging the infuriated girl

“why not bella, she deserves it” she yells

my tears dont stop and i feel like they will never stop pouring.

“tell me what she did”

i begin the tell her the events of tonight and her anger only grows.

“that fucking bitch” is all she can say in response

“but i blocked her, and im literally never gonna speak to her again” i say, trying to make a positive point, to counteract this negative situation

“you are never gonna speak to her again”

“im gonna go off to bed”

i feel broken, i got used. i wanted my first time with a girl to be meaningful, i know i like girls and i wanted to prove to myself that having sex with girls wasn’t wrong, but i feel wrong, i feel gross. i cant believe i would let myself be that vulnerable with someone i barley know. ive never been the one to have one night stands and ive only ever had sex with someone ive been in a relationship with.

i take my valium, something i swore to never use again after getting addicted, but its the only thing that works.

“hey, how are you feeling” avery ask’s, genuinely. i’ve never seen her be this gentle before

“wheres my weed”

“bella no”

“shut up avery”

i walk to the kitchen and unlock one of the drawers, and i see the stash. thank god

i know i shouldn’t smoke as a coping mechanism, but its the only thing that works, every time something bad happens to me, i turn to smoking

after going through 3 joints, im barley able to talk or stand up. perfect

knock

ugh

knock

fuck off

knock

“who is it” i say, it barley even sounded like words

“its azzi, is avery here”

who the fuck is azzi

“avery theres a bitch here for you” i say taking another drag

“oh my god! hey azzi” avery says, excitedly, why the fuck is she acting like that

“why are you so fucking happy” i ask, knowing full well how rude i sound

“this is azzi, shes in my psychology class and we have gotten pretty close” avery says, grabbing azzi and sitting next to me on the couch

“yo dont sit on my shit” i say, mad

“your bella right?” azzi says, happily. i hate happy people

“yeah”

“yeah avery’s told me alot about you” she says

“cool” i reply, dryly

“azzis on the basketball team” avery says, my eyes widen

“of course she is” i say, sarcastically. i hate basketball

“yeah, have you been to any games” she questioned, attempting to continue this boring conversation

“nah, i dont watch basketball”

“oh well you should sometime, avery keeps saying how she wants to go to a game” azzi says, looking at avery who begins giggling. sus

“bella your probably friends with some people on the team” avery says

“you wanna hit” i offer to azzi

“nah, i dont smoke”

“boring” i say, bluntly

“do you guys mind if some of my friends come over” azzi says

“no, no, thats perfectly fine” avery says, looking at azzi. basically eye fucking her

“who” i ask

“ice, kk, aubrey, nika and ashlee” she lists

fuck my life. im to high to care

“yeah whatever” i say, lazily

“ok perfect, ill tell them to come” azzi says, excitedly

“are you sure” avery whispers to me, being nice. for once

“i dont give a fuck, its fine” i say taking a drag

im so high. god damn

10 minutes later all of azzis friends turn up, why are they all so tall. what the fuck

avery introduces herself to them and points them to our couch

“hey im kk, your bella right” kk asks

“yeah im bella”

“hey im ice”

“hey im nika”

“hey im ashlee”

“hey im aubrey”

to many people to remember

until

“oh paige came to, i hope you dont mind” azzi says to us, mostly avery

avery says nothing, myself included

“hi paige” avery says, extremely cold

“come sit guys” azzi says, breaking the silence. i wish i wasn’t so high cause i wanna go to my room

everyone sits on the couch, paige sitting the furthest away from me. funny. not funny. not laughing

conversation begins and everyone is involved. everyone but me, ugh i’m so uncomfortable

paige keeps looking at me, and yes i’m noticing because i’m looking at her to.

paige’s pov

fuck. why do i keep looking at her.

she blocked me last night so obviously shes mad about my actions last night, its just a hookup, nothing more.

its not that deep

“i’m going to bed” bella says, slurring and barely able to stand up. i didn’t know she smoked that much, i guess i don’t know anything about her. but i don’t care.

“paige are you ready to go” kk and ice say to me

“yeah, aubrey, nika, azzi, u ready to go”

“yeah lets go”

“actually im gonna stay” azzi says. sus

“buy guys” is said in unison

azzis pov

“ugh finally” avery says, while smashing her lips onto mine

A/N: im being active rn lolll. how do we like avery and azzi

#paige bueckers x reader #paige bueckers headcannons #paige bueckers smut #paige bueckers fic #paige bueckers #uconn #uconn women’s basketball #uconn huskies #uconn wbb #azzi fudd #nika muhl #kk arnold

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lunarharp · 3 months

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"Found out" set in kind of a made-up chapter where the girls are in trouble, or something.

#witch hat tag #orufrey #i hate having a strong cinematic image in your mind for months..working hours on it..& at the end looking you have to be like “Sure. :/"#i'm especially unsatisfied with the beginning and the end and how i can't get eyebrows to work as i want #but i dont care any more... this is probably the comic that has given me the most trouble ever i just dont care #i barely even care whatsoever if anyone even sees this..Ugh..but at least i can move on to the next era now #i'm just annoyed i cant get out good enough my image of qifrey flinching bc he thinks oru will hit him but then he is not hit #i feel like sensei will do something along these lines. i want to see what she will do.#there are also other variations i have in my mind. i just want to know #i just don't want it to happen with qifrey on his deathbed or something. but it possibly will. I DONT EVEN KNOW.#i have another very cinematic image in my mind for something sort of along those lines which i will do soon. it never ends...#btw after this is probably my fics. yeah.... i think it has to be my fics. jasmine sort of goes along these lines #i need that space for dialogue. look - i'm a writer. this is HARD for me. so i am really glad i had the space and freedom of words #to process all the feelings. but i tried to get something out in a quick visual space too. <- me defending myself to myself at cai court #anyway going along the lines of 'Jasmine' - they talk this out and argue and cry and oru pushes the hat at him and tells him #why not just erase every memory i have of you then. That would be easier for us all wouldn't it?#they kiss and sob and kiss and lie outside in the flowers for many hours in that one. and then there's 'Deep End' where it turns out #way way way way more time and words is needed for this actually and that's upsetting for everyone.#the destruction of the hat is certainly another path to take. Can you make this work without that hat going up in flames?#something you have always had and have been clinging to will have to be destroyed. You have to lose something now. This is the crux qifrey #I CANT GET IT OUT IN ONE COMIC!!! I CANT DRAW IT OUT!!!! I NEEDED THOSE FICS!!!! PRAISE WORDS!!!! whatever im going to have dinner now

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doveotion · 2 months

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genuinely didn't think I'd make it to 18 let alone 22 so now I'm looking around like..... Now What

#diary #um. sad rant i guess dont read if you're not in the headspace to take in negativity #i dont know what to do with myself. i feel like crying all the time and I'm always tired no matter how much i sleep and i love my family bu #sometimes i wish i just lived alone and didn't talk to anyone. i hate talking about my problems i hate everything about it #i dont want to be here. but i dont know where to go or how to move forward. i want to live but i dont really have that option #i feel so stuck right now.#i would say more but it would get sad really fast so I'll write it down maybe. or listen to some sad music and cry it out #genuinely thought about running away to like. Switzerland earlier. like i was looking up flights and everything #how fucking sad does someone have to be to contemplate that.

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saeshiraw · 8 months

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tired girl hours i’m just ranting bcos i don’t have enough time to cry

#tw rant #studying med is no joke. ik it was gonna be a commitment n that it wasnt gonna be easy n i thought i was prepared but im not #its my passion. i love what im studying and ive dedicated myself to this path but i just. its so hard n i just want to cry. everyday feels #so tiring. morning to night classes. when i get home i have to read 4 chapters MINIMUM n the books are so thick + exams almost everyday #i feel worse knowing there’s this 1 girl in my friend group that cant decide whether she likes me or not. one moment shes complimenting me #n asking where i get my outfits or my nails done or my earrings or whatever then praising me that i probably study the least out of everyone #yet still reach high student rankings but its not that im lazy im just so exhausted n its hard to have motivation... lowkey envy how my #friends study minimum 4 hours a day. we’re all tired n sleep deprived. even taking 30mins to eat makes me feel guilty. cant even watch 1 ep #of an anime bcos ill be thinking about the amount of work to do. and i have sm plans. i wanna be more active and have a healthier lifestyle #but i cant find it in me to wake up every 5am to go to the gym when i just wanna get as much sleep when im lucky to finish my studies today #i also dont see my bestest friends everyday anymore. some of us move to diff unis or some in diff majors. i just miss them so bad it hurts #and i miss the girl i used to be when i still had time and energy to indulge in my hobbies. i miss playing genshin and writing fics #just when i got back to writing and enjoyed it LOVED IT i had to go back to uni. i feel terribly lonely even when im always with people #im afraid ill completely lose grasp of the little things that make me happy bcos the weight of my responsibilities are heavier #im afraid ill be too focused on success again like i was when i was 17 and forget that its okay to relax too but idk #and i wanna meet more people make more friends have new experiences. i wanna feel alive again. and theres sm i wanna talk to or get to know #but im so afraid of people hurting me or disappointing me or people getting to know me only for the friendships to fail or we’ll dislike eac #h other. i wanna date and fall in love again and experience the romance my peers have. i wanna have someone to call my own person but the fe #ar of having someone only to lose them someday scares the hell outta me. im not ready for another heartbreak so i isolate myself and watch #people from afar. uni gives me sm freedom to do everything else and form my own identity but i dont wanna be Perceived. I wanna be heard and #seen n connect with people. but w my curreny state idt i can handle being vulnerable with others. it feels so lonely that the things i want #are out of my rrach but idt i can manage my time to meet new people and make new memories. i console myself by shopping a lot and going to #spas to relax yet i still find it hard to sleep. im afraid im wasting my time. im not as brave as i used to be. im not as efficient as i was #i get older and more tired and while i never questioned if studying med was the path i want i do question what will happen next #“is this all im ever going to be?” im good at what i do but day by day i lose sight of tje girl who knew how to laugh n smile. ik what makes #me happy but i rarely smile genuinely anymore. im so tired and want to sleep for a long time but i dont wanna fail. i dont wanna be NOT good #but it makes me cry when i know i can do many great things but i dont feel loved. people compliment me but dont approach me bcos they say im #intimidating or that im too quiet in class. i wish i could tell them i wanna join their parties too or i wanna meet their friends n hangout #but what if it doesnt work out? what if i wasted my time getting to know someone id eventually regret? what if im the disappointing one?#the days are getting shorter but it always feels like a long day. im ashamed to admit i want someone to hold me yet refuse to have anyone

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mummer · 10 months

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literally what do you MEAN the coyote got run over offscreen and the roadrunner is alone and left unchased!!!!!!!!!!

#mumbling to myself death is random and meaningless death is random and meaningless the world is disrupted quietly no one knows what to do #the story cannot progress there is a story beneath the story. There is no one to tell it what to do #everything is unfinished and empty a life that never got to be fully written except it did but how could that be it???#and then it does a little dance!!!!!!!#WES ANDERSON IM GONNA KILL U WITH A MAUL WHAT THE HELL #this is the saddest movie ever made guys im crying voer a roadrunner #im not doing it right!#everyone is dealing with loss they're all alone and they have to perform their roles and they cant and they dont know how or why #this is a love story this is a death story this is a story story #GOT RUN OVER. OFFSCREEN. LIKE. THE PLAYWRIGHT?#the playwright who gets run over offscreen?????????#he predicts his own death a hudnred times over. The. the #how am i supposed to wait for saturday i need to see it again neowwwww #haunted ghost movie!!!! but haunted in a calm and slightly hopeful way #death isn't scary the alien isn't scary. he's just there. he's gonna take something from you and you're gonna feel like #the world is upside down and on fire and scary and you're not gonna know what to say. but it wasnt personal. It didnt mean anything really.

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sharkjumpers · 5 months

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aughhhh (clutches my cursed eye.)

#Sorry to vent on tumblr but i have nowhere else to talk right now:#i was doing so good in school but ive taken a steep decline and it feels like everything is Over and i'm failing. its literally just three #classes. all i can do all day is cry and stare at the wall and i dont feel like anything really at anything i do. i dont know what to do an #its killing me. Im gonna do something that lands me on national television. im in pain all day and have a migraine every day and when i don #im busy sobbing the rest of the time. i know its just because its that time of the year but that doesnt really help me at all. im trying my #hardest and it still isnt enough. Wat am i supposed to do. Theyre putting me down tomorrow.#i have not felt this bad in a while and its not Nice and I Dont Like it and I cant pull myself up. i cry as soon as i wake up. Who is #putting me through some matt murdock depressive episode simulator.#i need help but theres nothing anyone can help with and i dont want to be here*#*here meaning the state i live in.#i am so Alone here.#i feel little and stupid

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tiredstressedemotionalmess · 7 months

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me, every night for the past three weeks: oh im feelin good rn! and i had a good day today!! im definitely not gonna lie awake filled with anxiety and dread over my future tonight :D

me, lying in bed 20 minutes later looping famous last words: by talos this cant be happening

#its like im fine literally all day qnd then i start to get ready for bed and the Dread sets in #like its an actual physical feeling in my stomach and i just suddenly out of nowhere have to hold myself back from crying #i literally go from perfectly happy to on the verge of tears in an INSTANT and idk whats causing uty #it #like i know broadly ehat the causes are but idk whats causing the specific switch at night #am i tired?? is it just bc im tired??? bc its not consistently at the same time and most of the time i dont *feel* tired #or is it just like. i knoe im going to bed so i know im gonna be alone with my thoughts and so they all come and hit me at once???#idk idk idk i just know i hate it and i want it to stop i want everything to fucking stop #id say i need a minute to breathe but really ive been using the past four months as my minute to breathe & thats part of the fucking problem #because ive been putting this all off for so long bc its so overwhelming but now theres so much igotta do and theres real tangible deadlines #so i cant keep putting it off but i DO and its just making it all even more overwhelming and my parents arent fucking helping #but its not even their fault because im chosing not to talk to them about this bc talking to them about it makes it all real #and i dont want it to be real yet im not fucking ready for it to be real yet i just need a goddamn minute TO FUCKING BREATHE #i wish i could freeze time and just give myself a day where none of this matters #actually a days not long enough i think i need like. two weeks. two weeks for me to get my shit together where none of this bullshit exists #and i can just do whatever i want and not have to think about deadlines and decisions and the fact that this is all ive wanted since the #7th fucking grade and now that its actually here i cant fucking stomach the thought of it being real because im a goddamn coward who cant #fucking commit to anything or get themself to DO anything and i know its not really my fault bc i probably have adhd and i get #knocked off my ass with a migraine every ither fucking day but i still feel like i should be more prepared for this than i am #and im not prepared and im not ready and i cant get myself ready because i cant do things like this myself because i dont really want to be #doing them at all #like sure! the bitch can write a 400+ page fanfiction no fucking problem!! they can find time for that but a college essay?? even finding #schools to apply too???? dont be fucking ridiculous they cant even get half an app done in the time it takes them to write a two 6k chapters #delete later

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archirdarchernar · 3 months

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.

#vent #it feels awful #not knowing what the fuck to do #i WANT like a fucking gluttonous beast #i wanna be good at everything #i wanna be good at art and singing and worldbuilding and writing and editing and animating and academics #and i never feel satisfied #and no ones forcing me to do any of this #i just fucking want to for some reason and its destroying me #i just end up being not good at anything. im shit at studying and sleeping and keeping to deadlines #i want there to be enough time for me to explore everything #for me to learn everything at my own pace and perfect my skills #but it just feels like i have no time for myself anymore #everything i have i must dedicate to studying for a levels and its so tiring. i wanna draw and be creative too but theres so much course #content that its killing me. i want my free time back #and im forever thankful to my parents for moving with me all the way to the uk so i can learn about things that actually interest me but #even that doesnt really mean anything anymore thanks to the standardization of education and especially exams and exam boards #so my parents spent all that effort and money for nothing and i really just want to break down and cry and say sorry #but that would just hurt them even more and even i dont have the heart to do that so im stuck with this and im so goddamn tired #and of course by spreading my attention and efforts so thin everything i do is lackluster so of course my grades are shit #and i get sick often so my attendence record is also shit #it just feels like im a burden for existing like a malignant tumour #and i have to relearn how to cry. imagine that. a grown adult not knowing how to cry #i never knew there was supposed to be emotional relief when crying sometimes because whenever i cry when im overwhelmed...or anytime really #i get told to stop immediately so i got trained to hold everything in.and i get that its easy for the adults to deal with a not-crying child #but i kinda feel cheated #i want that emotional catharsis that comes with crying your feelings out and i have to teach myself how to do it #how pathetic is that #had to get this out there its just too much for me #arc 3am logs

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frogayyyy · 1 year

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will my mum ever understand that i don’t like talking (as in it’s really physically difficult) sometimes, especially in the morning, and not get upset with me and make me feel guilty about it despite telling her countless times that this is why? 😃

i just vented in the tags sorry bout that :S

#i wouldn’t say non verbal but pretty close #it’s the same with everything #she just doesn’t understand at all and it’s so draining :/#she constantly makes me feel bad for trying to set boundaries so i just give up #like no i genuinely can’t do some things without help no matter how many times you explain it to me i’m sorry?#no i don’t like that food because the texture makes me want to rip my hair out #i want to try different foods i just have bad anxiety about it and you making comments about it doesn’t help #yes i do need to have headphones or earplugs in most of the time bc sometimes it’s unbearable not to #yes i want to spend time alone in my room bc a) it’s a normal thing to do and b) it’s the one place where i can just be myself n not mask #no i’m not ignoring you you actually just interrupted a conversation i was having with my friends #‘i wish you would talk to me more about things’ I WONDER WHY I DONT #and i can’t even say any of this to her because she’d just cry and tell me what a bad mother she is #like… yea exactly #don’t even get me started on queer stuff #yknow i came out two years ago as not straight #and she hasn’t said a single thing about it since #not even vaguely supportive #i can’t even remember if she told me she still loves me #she said ‘i don’t know what to say’ and left me sobbing by myself #i have to censor myself around them bc i still don’t know how they feel about it #the worst part of it is that i convince myself she isn’t that bad so i just forgive her #and never do anything about it #even now i’m thinking ‘ yea but she genuinely isn’t that badi’ 🤡#i want to leave so bad or at least not be in the same house #but i’m not financially independent yet #and i genuinely don’t know if i could cope living on my own #:’D #just gotta deal with it for now #thank god for this safe space 🙏 love u guys #about the only thing keeping me (partially) sane atm

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hellhoundlair · 7 months

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venting sorry. i get emotional thinking of the media both me and my dad loved growing up and the father daughter bonds that were the highlights of those movies and tv shows to him and i feel like i failed