Looking at romantic orientation labels and definitions on Google to figure out what tf a very specific character of mine is got me like 😃❔️🤔💭

Like idk what you want from me here. If you want to engage me in a specific question about ace/aro identities, as I've said several times and nobody has ever actually done, then ask me the specific question. Don't fuck around with vague gestures at Points of Discourse and then get cross with me because I haven't answered the Exact Question you Didn't Ask But Expected Me To Intuit.

Preface: If you don't want to answer any of these because you are allo/allo and don't have a say because its not your place, say that. In fact, I'm asking these because you seem to do have opinions on things you shouldn't based off things you have said in the past.

I also want to state that I agree fully with your points about Martin- minus the blatant aphobia. Not just acephobia, arophobia as well.

1. Do you think qprs are problematic? I believe you once made a post saying roughly that qprs are just normal friendships, or something like that, that has since been deleted. What is your current opinion?

2. Are het aros lgbt?

3. Are het aces lgbt?

4. Cis aro/aces lgbt?

5. Cishet aro/aces?

6. Do the spectrums and micro identities exist? You've implied in the past they don't, in the post about how they were supposedly created from sex positivity

7. Can aros be in or desire romantic relationships?

8. Can aces have or desire sex?

9. Does the split attraction model exist and does it benefit people?

10. Can teenagers identify as aro/ace or do you think they're too young?

11. Can you be, say, an aroace lesbian, or an aroace gay, aroace bi, etc. Idk how to phrase this one but like can you be aroace and still id with another orientation?

I could send another anon detailing the aphobia in the post, because I at least am certainly not upset about Martin being sexual, rather it was the very blatant aphobia. It could have stemmed from ignorance, and if that's the case I don't mind explaining it.

Ok this is a lot of questions, some with quite involved answers, so I'm gonna answer them chunk by chunk so it's a bit more manageable, and then I might come back to some of the surrounding message. This isn't gonna be an immediate bang bang bang, but I'll try and work through them over the next couple of days.

Question 1

1. No, I don't think qprs are problematic. I don't necessarily understand them but I don't need to understand them to understand and respect that they're a thing that's important to a lot of people. I don't know what post you're referring to, but I'm surprised that you say it was deleted, because I very rarely delete posts except, occasionally, reblogs where people have flagged up misinformation or dogwhistles or which I reblogged by accident. tbh I'm the messiest online presence I'm way too lazy to delete past posts or block people even when I probably should bc I don't like to feel like I'm ~hiding evidence~. So I'm not saying you're wrong, you're probably totally right, but I'm surprised.

I'm thinking about what posts I've made that you could be thinking of, and obviously I don't remember everything I say on here bc I say A Lot and I actively post to get things out of my head so 🤷‍♀️ but I do remember making a post a while ago where I said that it was a normal expectation of friendship to have some friends close enough that you'll live with them, raise kids with them, etc, and I'm wondering if that was the post you're thinking of? I did have qprs in mind while writing that to a degree, but only because I think 'you wouldn't do this with your friends' is a very common argument people put forward about qprs and I think it's a weak argument, because many people have different definitions of friendship, and the only argument I think is needed for any sort of I Have X Emotional Relationship To This Thing is...I Have X Emotional Relationship To This Thing. Like you can't offer a universal materialist definition of the differences between romantic, queerplatonic, sexual and platonic relationships, because the boundaries are very personal and it's really an emotional and experiential difference. so if that is the post you're thinking of, I wasn't criticising The Concept Of QPRs as much as saying that I thought trying to put hard lines around What Friends Do Vs What QPPs Do was a) counterproductive when arguing with someone who thinks QPR is Just Normal Friendships bc. if they do those things with their friends then saying NO THIS IS A QPR THING just reinforces their existing belief that you're talking about the same thing as they mean by friendships and b) to me seems to set a painful expectation to young people that you can only get these kinds of close friendships occasionally and in the form of a QPR and it will be stigmatised and misunderstood (and depending on how people talk about it, is only accessible to aspec people and allo people should only expect it to come through romantic/sexual relationships), when in fact most people of most ages I know have friends with whom they can share things like housing, deep feelings, futures, finances, who they miss if they don't see for a few days, who are mutually supportive and vital to their wellbeing. I don't think that's mutually exclusive with the existence of QPRs though - like I personally don't know what the difference is between a QPR and a close friendship, but I also don't know what the difference is between a romantic relationship and a close friendship but I know there is one and I know it's not a question of What You Do but a question of How You Feel And Interact, and that's pretty hard to define in unambiguous terms.

Like generally I don't Not Think QPRs exist, and I think it's a dick move to try and tell people they're wrong about how they experience and define their relationships because???? how are you meant to know that better than the person whose relationship it is??? but I do think the way people talk about QPRs (both from the perspective of defending them and from the perspective of attacking them) is pretty rife with problems and I don't think it's invalidating the reality of QPRs to talk about where the arguments and language around them potentially falls down or has unexpected consequences.

On the other hand, I don't know if that actually is the post you're referring to - the reason I'm calling back to that is that that and a few resultant asks are the only time I remember talking about QPRs on here in the last year or so. So like, several of these questions reference past posts, which is very fair, but I do need it to be clear that, since I don't really tag anything and I don't have a great memory, I can only really speak to What I Think Now In This Context, not to what I posted in the past and what I was thinking when I posted it. Like, this isn't too deny responsibility - I reckon I'm responsible for what I post even if I don't still agree with it, which is why I don't tend to delete my own posts on purpose - but just to deny capacity, I guess? I don't really KNOW what I've posted so if you talk about it in vague terms (and I do understand that if it's been deleted there's not a lot you can do but that) I may not necessarily be responding to the part of it that's worried you, so if I'm not speaking to something specific I've said or done, it's not because I Don't Want To, I just don't necessarily know to.

I'm waffling about this because looking through your messages there's a lot of "you said X" and like. given that the intended message of the post that's kicked this off was very different to the message people have taken from it, it feels important to me to know whether if I looked at the posts you're referencing I'd be like "ah yeah I did believe that but now I believe X" or if it's more a situation of "oh right I can see how you took X from that but my thinking was more Y".

(also sometimes when people say "you made a post" they mean "you reblogged a post" and I am a compulsive discourse scroller so sometimes I reblog a random post to bookmark my place on someone's discourse blog or I accidentally longpress the reblog button while scrolling - I try to delete reblogs that I don't agree with but sometimes I miss some, all of which to say if there's a post on my blog that doesn't seem to reflect what I say in my original posts then it doesn't necessarily mean I'm a crypto-whatever so much as I'm very lazy and messy with my blog. Doesn't mean I shouldn't be held accountable for reblogs but it's useful to know if we're talking original content or reblogs bc I'm unlikely to fully accidentally make a post. but I quite often accidentally reblog stuff. I doubt this is the case with this sitch just bc of your phrasing but I want to cover my bases)

anyway tl;dr: no I don't believe that QPRs themselves are inherently problematic, nor do I think I have at any point believed that, but I do think that a lot of the language and ideas used to talk about them are based in miscommunication or absolutist ideas about relationships and can have damaging knock on effects.

hi! over the years i've really valued your opinions on things but if you don't want to talk about this i would understand. there's a lot of talk these days about bi/pan lesbians and similar "new" identities (like he/him lesbians for example) and i was just curious what you thought about them. i've seen people say they are invalidating others or don't exist but i always thought it was our job as a community to allow each other to experience their experience even if its different than ours?

hello dear!!! first of all 🥺🥺🥺 thank u so much that’s so sweet of u to say???

okay, now onto the topic at hand - here’s the thing, i’ve honestly only heard the bi/pan lesbian label come across my radar pretty recently, and in a negative light, so i won’t claim to be an expert on either side. i also should note that i don’t id as bi or lesbian and labels have never been super important to me, which makes this conversation a less personal one and one that i can’t really give any kind of subjective "this is how it influences me personally” opinion on

all that said, here’s what i’m seeing: bi/pan lesbian is an identity that came about as a way to describe bi/pan ppl who have a preferential attraction to women, which is kind of...not great, in my opinion, and i can see pretty clearly how it harms all identities (bi/pan AND lesbian) by treating it as a separate identity

first and foremost, it’s invalidating to the actual description of bi/pan ppl by suggesting that all bi/pan ppl must have a perfectly equal attraction to all genders in order to be considered ‘truly’ bi/pan

which is wack, and usually ppl who experience differences in types of attraction based on gender may opt to describe themselves as bi, while ppl without any real difference in preferences might choose pan, though both are totally valid for any type of umbrella attraction and the distinction matters to some ppl and not others

it also implies that there’s something wrong with being attracted to men from the perspective of not ‘fully’ identifying as bi/pan

normally i’m really on the side of ‘hey choose whatever labels make you happy and comfy’, but i think there’s a difference between that and trying to misdefine existing labels to suit your feelings? like. if u have a preference for women or fem-aligned genders, etc etc, cool! but tbh it makes no sense to me to try to redefine what it means to be a lesbian or to be bi/pan in order to explain your attraction? the main reason this upsets me and a lot of bi/pan folks (and other ppl in the queer community) is that there is already a term that exists to describe that preference

even if you’re not personally affected by the negative possible aspects of that becoming a popular terminology, it can be super confusing for people outside the queer community, the new baby queers, and it can also instigate a possibly transphobic discussion about what it means to have that preference and why it requires identifying as a ‘lesbian’, etc etc. here’s a pretty good walkthrough of the ways that terms like bi/pan lesbian (and bi/pan het) affect bi/pan ppl and lesbians (x) and here’s another (briefer) breakdown (x)

**a quick caveat! i know many ppl use the two-orientation description as a way to describe romantic and sexual attraction in one statement! ie ace lesbian or something like that, where they might be asexual but id as a lesbian in terms of romantic attraction exclusively. this is not what i’m talking about above, and is totally a valid and non-detrimental way to identify!!

now, here’s the thing about he/him lesbians. pronouns =/= gender. a person can use any pronouns (including neopronouns or less conventional ones!) and still identify as a gender that has not been socially constructed to be represented by those pronouns. all pronouns are, for lack of a better description, are a secondary name. basically a nickname, if you will. someone deciding they want to be called by a traditionally masc name, like alex or trevor, doesn’t mean that they must therefore be male, right? i think we as the queer community know and agree that that’s the case - they could be nonbinary, or agender, or female or literally any other gender at all! we as a community have acknowledged that names do not define gender. we’re still getting to the general acceptance and understanding that pronouns also do not define gender, but i think the he/him lesbian discourse shows that we haven’t really gotten there yet. he/him is just a way someone wants to be referred to when his name isn’t used - that doesn’t mean he isn’t female or fem-aligned in the way that he’d want to id as a lesbian!

i think the key distinction between these two discussions (bi/pan lesbian and he/him lesbian) is the fact that one is discussing redefining existing definitions for a sexuality in a way that’s harmful to both sexualities involved while the other is discussing a person’s pronoun preference (not their actual gender, but pronoun preference) as a prerequisite for whether they’re allowed to identify as a lesbian

to your note about letting others experience their own experiences - again, this is something i wholeheartedly endorse, with the exception of times where someone ‘experiencing their own experience’ is actively harming other groups. i think it’s p clear that bi/pan lesbian as a term can have some really negative effects on people in the bi/pan and lesbian communities, but all i can see with he/him lesbians is that they’re actively working to break down the social construct of pronouns being equated with gender, which can only really benefit everyone in my opinion

anyway, i hope that gives u some insight into my thoughts dear!! thanks so much for sending this 💜

I'm 23 but i just realized i might be bi-romantic? i’d always assumed i was on the ace spectrum+ maybe demi-romantic. Since middle school i’ve had dreams with girls but ignored them as dreams. My brother is gay, if i turned out bi my parents would die. I feel I should have known earlier, i’m in my freaking twenties! I’m thinking about it because i have a bf who wants to be more physical and I don't. i had another dream and they aren’t explicit just romantic but really nice. Idk what to think

well firstly i’m really sorry and sad to hear that ur parents would respond so negatively if you came out as bi or anything really. that’s a big pooper and i hope u are able to have some kind of support circle in your life somewhere ;_;

also when it comes to discovering ur identity, it can happen at any age really. like, i discovered i’m actually asexual myself about two years ago and that is also when i realized i’m nonbinary and started exploring my gender identity.

i’m 28 now and i am confidently, comfortably biromantic, asexual, nonbinary person. i grew up like up till 13 not really knowing a thing about any sexuality at all. my first exposure to the concept of sexual orientation was unintentionally thru nsfw content with friends and then seeing their disdain for wlw type stuff.

i went along with it bc hey i didn’t know any better and i really didn’t have the resources to understand what any of this non-straight identities really meant. andi was too afraid to stand out even MORE from my crappy friend group so i hid a lot of my gay feelings till high school.

during high school i realized i was bi and came out a little bit my freshman yr but fully during sophmore yr. like it was literally just fuckin bi gals left and right in my friend group and i was lucky for the most part to be able to have a decent support system there for me which allowed me to like SHED the BURDEN of heteronormativity and EMBRACE the GAY within my HEART. lmao

so from 9th grade where i was 14ish till about 25 i thought i was bisexual - there’s a LOT of negative stuff i’m not going to cover but suffice to say starting therapy helped me realize that my experience with sexuality wasn’t in line totally with being a bisexual - i was much more aligned with the label biromantic and it took me quite a while but eventually i was able to accept that i’m asexual as well as be able to have the people around me understand my limitations in regards to sexual content and set new boundaries i hadn’t before.

basically there i’m just saying that discovering your identity isn’t always something that happens when ur rly young and it’s not something that necessarily has to stay the same. life changes ya! and it’s okay if ur identity fluxes with it as well.

as for ur bf, i think once u could come to a space where u feel like u have identified if u are indeed on the ace-spectrum, then talk with him and rly express to him that certain things are not things u are interested in. it’s a scary conversation, trust me i KNOW, but it’s rly important for ur ace-spectrum identity (if you decide you fall there) is respected first and foremost. otherwise the relationship will eventually just fall apart on its own and it could leave u with rly bad stuff to deal with later on. i wouldn’t wish that on anyone tbh

so in summary:

identity is something that doesn’t have a specific time set for it to be discovered

it can also change over the years from a different thing than u originally identified as! the more resources u are able to find, the better identity labels and such u could relate to bc u are accessing more knowledge than u were previously able to!

identity changing over time doesn’t invalidate any part of u. u are a person and ppl are prone to change. 

i am still very sry u would not have support at home when it comes to ur identity; i would ask if u could find some other support systems to help u even if it’s just ppl u know online. basically all my support is majority via my online friends - the value is immeasurable even tho we are all far apart

if u end up IDing on the ace-spectrum, one thing i’d recommend is just doin some browsing and reading up on either other ppl’s experiences or just base facts about the identity that suits u. i found SO much relief when i was able to see the wide range of just BEING that is within the ace-spectrum and it helped me validate my identity to myself

then, it would be recommended to have a good talk with ur bf to basically lay out ur boundaries and see what he is able to work with.

i know the concept of a break up bc ur needs and his needs are different is stressful and scary, and i know it’s easy for me to say that it’s better to leave a person if they desire things u aren’t/won’t/can’t give but pls know in the long run, u will be making the best choice for urself bc ur needs as an ace-spectrum person are of UTMOST importance.

just know that u aren’t alone at all and there’s a huge community for u if u ever need

-mod peach

Still the anon about airport security. What would you do if you had to take a flight? Would you go through the full body scanner? Or if don't want to, you can opt for a pat down. You know the pat down has to be done by a officer of the same gender as yours. Would you be worried about being misgendered? I was misgendered once, so I am really unsure if it's better the body scanner putting your biological sex to avoid to find anomalies or the pat down where they could misgendered you.

Well, I’m most definitely going to have to take flights in the future. Idk when or how soon. I’m guessing it’ll be 2019 so I’m guessing they’ll not make any progress by then and they’ll not have made any advancements past full body scanners.

Just saying now, most trans people are not going to align with my views on this, but that’s perfectly fine. I have very specific views and very specific reasoning and very specific quirks. And that’s all perfectly okay. So. . .don’t worry about how weird this is all going to sound and how this is all going to be exactly opposite of what most trans people would think. Trust me when I say I am not most trans people. When I first came out about being trans on tumblr (a year or two after discovering I was trans), the LGBT community literally attacked me (trans people specifically) trying to tell me I wasn’t trans enough to be included. Lmao. So don’t worry that I’m going to be the opposite on most people. It’s not you, it’s me. Haha. I’ve come to learn that I am a seriously awesome individual and that I just have very unique quirks and that I just don’t align well with the LGBT community like majority of my fremily, who are all LGBT. Which is perfectly fine. Coz no one needs to. As long as we are all comfortable with ourselves. And as long as you’re comfortable with yourself? You don’t need to worry about being misgendered, honestly. Which is why I’m not.

But anyways. . .

If you’re asking my PERSONAL opinion like I THINK you are, like I said, on a personal level, I don’t worry about that stuff because I don’t have anxiety attached to my dysphoria like most people do. Public anxiety isn’t an issue for me and it never has been and I’m a 200% attention whore. I do worry about being misgendered but I take the opportunity to correct everyone and anyone I see as long as it’s not medically oriented. And since this isn’t a medical issue, I would already have been correcting them from the start and if someone dared pulled an attitude with me (ESPECIALLY a police officer), I’d be talking over them. As I normally do. I correct people on my gender already unless I want something from them (ie; I’m not really outing myself to my professors at school until I can feel around on whether they’re transphobic or not unless they specifically ask. I only make sure to correct them on my name. As for pronouns, I’m only going to tell them about it eventually. Whereas, in a PUBLIC situation where I will only be seeing these people once and it’s a one-time incident? Nbd).

I mean, I’ve seen that people normally tend to dwell on bad social interactions. You mention that you’ve been misgendered once as though you remember in vivid detail this one instance. I just don’t get those effects from negative social interactions. It’s generally intimate, private, negative interactions that have vivid memories for me. I don’t tend to really have vivid memories of negative, public interactions because they don’t stick with me and I think I have less than zero amount of social anxiety. I’m less than neurotypical when it comes to social anxiety. I’m whatever the opposite of social anxiety is. I enjoy the spotlight. I don’t tend to ENJOY it persay in a negative way but I’d rather have it than not have it. I don’t want the spotlight BY CHOICE. But I want it... by chance. If you get what I’m saying? Idk how that exactly works. So if I get picked out for a pat down... I guess that’s all the better?

As for pat-downs...Well, I’m a 200% brutally honest person so here we go. If a male officer were called to pat me down, I would have a hard time not having a breakdown. I have had so much sexual assault and rape history that has lead to PTSD and panic disorder that even if I didn’t have a female officer, I would request one and wait for one. If I had to have a male, I would specifically request that he not be white. All of the males that have sexually assaulted me have been white cis males (and to my knowledge, heterosexual or claiming to be bi and lying about being bi to manipulate me).

Also, if you know anything about me and have followed me for even 2 seconds, you know I’m the brattiest of all brat subs. And I quite enjoy toying with my dommes. So if a female officer were to just COME to me, it would make things a LOT easier, because then I would be able to just automatically avoid all the flashbacks and heart racing and feelings of fear that would flood back from PTSD. And I wouldn’t have any of that to deal with so I would be able to be my normal self and would be able to toy with her and tease her like I normally would and enjoy myself. If you’ve followed me for 2 seconds, then you’ll also know I’m ace. I’m not sexually attracted to anyone. But I do appreciate the female form and I am romantically attracted to females. I consider myself biromantic (or panromantic, I really don’t know) because occasionally there’s a male or other person thrown in there, but it’s heavily leaning towards females. Always has been. But I quite enjoy when females of authority pat me down because it brings out my bratty side and gives me the chance to make snarky remarks and toy with them under my breath and it’s just a lot of fun for me, tbh.

This is all my personal opinion, though. I’m really not your average transguy, as you can probably tell. I’m quite the opposite and no one should ever follow my lead coz I’m a bad example. I mean... I’m your typical brat sub but I’m not your typical person. Like I’ve said many times before, I live the bdsm lifestyle, but I’m not a sexual person because I’m ace. I’m not into bdsm sexually at all. I just live the lifestyle. Which a lot of people don’t understand unless, y’know, they’re in the lifestyle, too, either both sexually/fully or just fully.

I get misgendered on the daily so it’s all part of daily life for me. It’s part of the norm right now. When getting misgendered becomes odd for me---I mean, really odd---then, we can talk. But that probably won’t be for long down the HRT line if it’s all even safe to do what we’re talking about and, er, whenever BRCA testing gets done and the state can pay for my surgery. But that’s hopeful thinking. I doubt if we try out what the doctor and I are talking about, it’ll work. I don’t wanna give out details because if I type it out, I will get my own hopes up and I don’t wanna do that. Coz when I get defeated and have to continue doing what I’m doing, that’ll be really sad. And BRCA testing will probably come back positive, but even if it does, I won’t have the time to go through with the surgery until, er. . .who knows when. :| The only thing that will happen FOR SURE is a name change. Maybe one day I can do what my doctor and I are talking about, but probably not. Ergh. I don’t wanna get my hopes uppppp. Do not want. But if my BRCA test comes back positive, at least I can keep it in my file so that I have it as evidence.

But honestly?

The machine wouldn’t bother me and a surprise pat down wouldn’t bother me. I’m 200% comfortable with how other people see me and how I hold myself. And I’m ALMOST comfortable with how I see myself. Almost. . .

You know what WOULD bother me? A strip search. You know why? Because it’s EXTREMELY uncomfortable to take my binder off. I even wear a sports bra to bed. I take super short showers simply because it’s uncomfortable to not have something binding the girls down. They’re fucking annoying. I barely have a B cup. BARELY. They don’t even really fit into B cups, but they’re slightly too large for A’s. But they don’t fit any A’s. So it’s hard to judge. But then again, any bra that isn’t a sports bra is too loose, imo, coz I’m wearing a binder as long as I can all day, but I wear a sports bra at night. I mean, ever since I started wearing training bras, I started wearing bras to bed. You know what’s also uncomfortable for me? People seeing my belly. That bothers me. That scares me to death. Because of my parents growing up. Which is why I turned to ana when I was a child and didn’t even know what ana was and still keep ana in my life. But having to take my shirt off in front of someone and not cover my tummy with my arm? That terrifies me. Hell, even when I’m sitting down or laying down, there’s always a pillow or blanket or stuffed animal or SOMETHING over my tummy. Even when I’m driving, I keep a jacket or something in my lap simply because it bothers me to not have pressure on my tummy. The only time I don’t have something is when I’m walking, working, exercising, or taking a test. Even when I’m sleeping, I have a long stuffed animal that I keep between my legs that I keep up close to my tummy that I keep pressed to myself because it scares me to not have pressure on it. Because of my parents. Again, thing in the shower. And also why I hate summer. Fucking can’t do layers that help with that feeling of pressure that helps keep my parents voices in my head at bay.

So THAT is the only thing that would bother me. A strip search. A pat down and a machine? Nah. Wouldn’t bother me for reasons stated above.

That is all going on the fact you just asked my personal opinion, yes? At least, that’s how I read it. I’m hoping I explained that thoroughly enough that it all made sense.

I know all my reasoning is kind of weird and I have very, er... specific reasoning for every little thing but. I tried to explain everything without going into too much detail. So, uh... yeah. Not gonna apologize for being me, but I am aware that I am a very specific character with very specific quirks about me and that most other trans people are not going to align with my views on this. And that’s perfectly okay.