#i could talk about her for hours tbh | Explore Tumblr Posts and Blogs

elysianymph · 11 months

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i’m curious about the walburga defender!! (like genuinely not like a gotcha thing) because i see most people hate her and whatnot so i wanna know more about how you see her

ooooooh thank you for giving me a reason to talk about this 🤭🤭 this is gonna be really long bc i gotta talk about the entire black family if i wanna explain this properly and it differs a lot from how the majority of the fandom views them

i used to be one of those people that didn't really care for walburga, like i just didn't think of her at all. i thought the idea that the fandom had of her was a little weird bc they seemed to be putting all of the abusive traits onto her and completely ignoring orion in the black family dynamic. all i saw was walburga being portrayed as the only abusive one between the two of them, the crazy mother using the criciatus curse on her children and it left a really bitter taste in my mouth

bc then again, the wizarding world is very patriarchal and orion would've had the last word no matter what walburga would say or do. so even if walburga was the only outright abusive one orion would've been at least silently supporting it, if not actively engaging in that abuse alongside her.

in my head the family was very divided bc walburga and orion didn't like each other at all. walburga used to be a very loud and outspoken as a child, she was raised to believe she was better than everyone else because of her blood and she acted like it. then when she got older, her family pushed her away to be silent and obedient, to fall in the shadows of her younger brothers bc at the end of the day she was a woman. she couldn't be the heir, all she was useful for was marriage. her and orion's marriage was arranged obviously and she absolutely despised him bc she thought he was weak (and he was if we're talking about magic) and undeserving as the heir of such a noble house. in a similar fashion orion hated her because he thought she was crazy, too independent and sure of herself when she should be obedient

because of this animosity between them, when sirius was born walburga immediately took sirius under her wing to make sure he was raised 'right'. she thought orion would only mess him up. she saw potential in sirius because of how powerful he was even as a child, she was satisfied with him and thought he would make the perfect heir. she saw a side of herself reflected in him, the wildness and freedom of her younger self lived inside sirius and because of that she almost had a soft spot for him. she let him have a lot more freedom than she did and orion saw this as a bad thing, he knew sirius would take and take until walburga realized she had made a mistake but by then it would be too late (and to his credit, he was right)

because walburga had taken to raising sirius and was proud of the progress he was making, she kinda left regulus behind. he was less talented, less powerful, naturally quieter than sirius and she saw all of those as weaknesses. orion saw it as an opportunity to raise a child in the way he wanted without walburga getting in the way so he basically raised regulus to be his perfect son and manipulated him so he would be easier to control.

a lot of my view of walburga is dependent on the relationship between her and sirius specifically bc i see them as broken mirrors of each other. sirius was everything walburga could've been (free) and walburga was everything sirius could become (cold and cruel). the world wasn't kind to walburga, she was pushed aside as a child and forced into a toxic marriage that she had never wanted but sirius was a little light in her life and in his early childhood she genuinely cared for and loved him. she never stopped loving him even as he grew and broke free of the clutches of his family. to an extent the love was conditional because that was all walburga had ever known but i don't doubt for a second that sirius leaving hadn't broken her heart.

i truly believe she had mourned for him when he left because that was the biggest loss for her. the son that she had single handedly raised had left and now the house was left with an unworthy heir. that's specifically why she had pushed regulus into taking on the dark mark even though he was so young. she needed him to amount to something, to do what sirius couldn't even though she knew regulus couldn't measure up to the greatness that was lost. in a way she was resentful of sirius because deep down she wished she had been able to do what he had done, to run away and break free, but it was far too late for her.

losing regulus was the last straw for her, all hope for the house was lost. losing orion was almost a relief, she could finally breathe without him there. finding out sirius was sent to azkaban was heartbreaking because she knew what sirius was like, she knew he would've never done it. she went to visit him, still wearing her mourning robes and not even knowing for which son she was wearing them, but he wasn't there when she arrived. she had cried then, begged for sirius to come out so she could see him but it went unanswered.

she died resentful and lonely, losing her mind after everything she had dedicated her life to had been destroyed.

in my head she's just a product of her circumstances, unable to escape the cycle because she was given no opportunities. i don't think people realize how lucky sirius was that the stars literally aligned for him to be able to escape and live (somewhat) normally (for a couple years at least 💀)

#probably lots of grammatical errors but i cannot be bothered to re-read #i don't like her as a person by any means but her character is literally more interesting to me than some of the main marauders characters #i could talk about her for hours tbh #walburga black #walburga and sirius #i have so many thoughts and snippets of them #they break my heart i can't even explain what they do to me #nymph rambles

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toxtricitylow · 3 months

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playing around with some historical french fashions on furina (+ neuvi).. I think she should always get big silly hats

18th+19th century mens fashion is one of my fav fav fav things is ever so this was fun 🫡 love being fashion history neurodivergent

#first one is inspired by napoleonic military uniforms (particularly napoleon himself)#second is late 18th century/post revolution #last one is like 1720ish vaguely #theres probably a gazillion inaccuracies i don't really care tbh #furina actually originally caught my eye bc of the historical influences in her outfit... hyvs doesnt usually go really heavily historical #so her design surprised me #i could talk about this for hours #my art #fanart #genshin impact #furina #neuvillette #fontaine #gnsn #genshin impact fanart #neuvifuri #if u squint really hard #of neuvis is early 18th century #french historical fashion

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alwayshinny · 18 days

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Hinny ♥️ - The Chronicles of Harry J. Potter's mind

She's Ron's little sister 😡

She's Ron's sister.😠

She's Ron's... 🫤

She's... 😵‍💫

She's so beautiful. 😍

Shit, she's looking my way. WAIT. DID SHE JUST WINK AT ME? 😳

Stop staring. Look somewhere else. Fuck, I think Dean noticed... Awkward... 😬

Okay, try to act cool. Stand against the wall, cross you arms, and look nonchalant, like you don't care. 😎

*stubbles with hand placement and footing* 🫨

Ginny: "Hi Harry"

tries to cover his dopey smile but ends up swooning instead. 🥴

#it's okay son we get it we'd be swooning too #in inability to put a coherent sentence together while talking to the loml is a trait he inherited from his dad #he is james son after all #it's in his genes #my son is such a cute lil dork and i love him so much more because of it #i don't care what anyone says ginny NOTICED harry NOTICING her #that top was strictly for harry when she noticed him counting the freckles on her shoulder during practice #she loved that she could make him blush with just one look #tbh she kind of forgot about dean lmao #she broke up with dean within the hour #hbp missing moments #harry potter #ginny weasley #harry x ginny #ginny x harry #hinny #harry potter ai #ai generated

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nixienewt · 4 months

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Yeah it’s that meme LMAO

Red Hood and Cha Eunha my loves (I have a favorite though)

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musette22 · 5 months

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Ah, I'm just thinking about last weekend (NYE getaway to a cottage in the woods) and how much I love that my friends are just as dumb as I am and can't stop making "that's what she said" jokes like,

(Everyone getting into a tiny car with all the bags and groceries) Me: "Wow, I'm surprised you managed to stuff it all in." Friend 1: "That's what she said." *everyone sniggering*

(Driving into the village where our cottage is) Friend 1: "Oh, it really is woodsy here, nice! I love wood." Friend 2: "That's what she said." more very mature sniggering

(Entering the cottage for the first time) Friend 2: "Oh wow, it's a lot bigger than I expected." Me: "That's what she said!" *high fives all around*

And so on and so forth. We are all women in our mid thirties, by the way. Like attracts like (wouldn't have it any other way) <3

#the entire weekend had a high michael scott vibe #we ate mostly cheese and drank leftover champagne from my french friend's sister's wedding #we did a radio countdown and at about fifteen seconds to midnight my speaker ran out of battery and died on us #and after midnight we danced and sang along to destiny's child and the spice girls and elvis for several hours #i was wearing a onesie and a tiny party hat #friend 1 hurt her back because she got a little too enthusiastic on the dancefloor and she's not 21 anymore #friend 2 called her boyfriend and put him on speaker so we could serenade him with 'bootylicious'#actually idk if it was more michael scott or bridget jones tbh #good times #minnie talks

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chipistrate · 7 months

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What's your take on what's going on in Princess Quest?

TLDR; General take on the timeline of events would be; -Vanessa makes Princess Quest as an intern at Silver Parasol Games -Vanessa gets glitchtrapped before finishing them(but continues working on them whilst Glitchtrapped) -Vanessa moves to the Pizzaplex and abandons PQ -SPG ports the games to arcade years later for some reason and they end up in the Pizzaplex -A piece of Vanessa gets trapped in the PQ machine as the Shadow Princess as well Glitchtrap deciding to make it basically its home Then it splits down two paths; Path A: -Princess is her own character that helps Gregory defeat Glitchtrap and free Vanessa from his control, then dies once he's gone as all the PQ machines shut off and eventually get destroyed when the Tangle tries to tunnel out of the Pizzaplex.

Path B: -Cassidy is the PQ Princess who possessed the machines after Glitchtrap started inhabiting them, but wasn't able to do anything to defeat him on her own because of how the machines are set up (with them needing someone to play them in order or else the others wouldn't turn on) -Gregory comes by and helps Cassidy get through the games and defeat Glitchtrap -From here I'm not sure. I would assume Cassidy would go back to UCN once Glitchtrap is dead, but the mystery surrounding this theory makes me think that, if this is canon, they'll be elaborated on later which makes me think they're not (entirely) gone.

Rest is going under cut cause it's long and ramble-y

Honestly I've got a few takes- it really depends on who you think the Princess is, her identity changes the entire plot depending on who she is. It's tricky trying to piece together PQ since there's just so many possibilities and so many pieces of the puzzle we're just missing currently.

My most "stable" interps across every take is basically that Vanessa made Princess Quest with Tape Girl (or on her own if we're going more canon-oriented since we don't know if the two know each other), and that's why it's connected to Vanessa specifically. And also a piece of her is trapped inside and shows itself through the Shadow Princess (cause I have no idea who else that would be). I think it'd make the most sense is PQ was something Vanessa made as an intern for Silver Parasol Games that they later ported to arcade for some reason, and they ended up in the Pizzaplex where they were then tied to Vanessa and Glitchtrap.

First take would be that the Princess is her own character who just wants to help Vanessa be freed from Glitchtraps control.

Second would be Cassidy being the PQ Princess- the theory just makes a lot of sense to me + I think it could add a lot of depth their character. The only thing I don't really like about it is that people would probably see it as some sort of gateway for other spirits returning- I don't want old characters returning, I don't think it'd be a good idea from a writing standpoint. But Cassidy would make the most sense since they're the only spirit we know hasn't moved on yet (besides Willy A. but he's suffering in hell for eternity), and that being specifically cause of Afton. Someone mimicking their killer and hurting people using his legacy, I feel, would be a good reason for them to come back for a bit just to knock him down again and then go back to the real deal.

Below is a kinda huge Cassidy PQ rant I ended up going on by accident lmao

I like thinking Cassidy is the Princess because of the old man in PQ2 that has the same palette as OMC and talks similarly to him (iirc he literally tells the Princess that her quest is over and she can rest, but she ends up not listening and going through the glitched door to continue her quest. Sound familiar?), as well as the princess being golden (yknow, like golden freddy and TOYSNHK spirit) and having her name in the files originally be "Cassidy", and there obviously being some sort of force outside of Glitchtrap infecting the machine with how they work- how you have to beat them one at a time in order or else the others won't turn on/let you play them. That and also there were the graves in PQ1 that seemed like an obvious hint at the MCI/dead kids. But then they took Cassidy's name out of the files- which doesn't negate the rest of the evidence, but it also makes me wonder why they took it out. I see people argue that it was a mistake and it was meant to be a hint at Cassie, but I genuinely don't see the tie between Cassie and Princess Quest + the rest of the evidence doesn't line up with Cassie. They have to bring PQ up again eventually- there's so many mysteries about it and if Cassidy is the Princess or has some sort of ties to the Princess then I wonder if that'll ever be brought up again.

I like thinking that Cassidy is canonically the Princess and is gonna be brought up later, or was meant to be the Princess in SWS mind/story based on a miscommunication with Scott.

But if PQ ending is canon I'd imagine Scott would have a heavier say in stuff like the PQ arcade machines- he said he had a clear idea of the canon ending for SB and that miscommunications made it a bit muddy, but I'd assume he was the one that wrote the PQ games or at least had a heavier say in them cause they're literally the keys to getting the canon ending in the first place- and there's no way everything that ties back to Cassidy is just a huge coincidence.

Idk- I just hope they elaborate on Princess Quest and the other arcade machines, whether the Princess is Cassidy or not I just want more information and clarification lmao

#Chip Chatter #I uh #I'm kinda passionate about Princess Quest #the fuckign!!! Cassidy theory!!! It makes so much sense but it's so fucking weird!!!!!#I could probably talk about it for hours tbh #there's just so much evidence but then her name was just taken out of the files #everyone says it was meant to be “Cassie” and not “Cassidy” but!!! What the fuck was literally everything else then!!!!!#And what ties to PQ does Cassie have!!!!!!!#I've never seen an explanation for the Cassie theory that makes sense people just say it was a mistake/misspell and don't elaborate sobs #anyways whatever. I don't even careabout Princess Quest.#<-----lying

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deus-ex-mona · 8 months

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kawareeeeeeeeeee~~~~~~~~~

#(aka me when my acid burns randomly start throbbin’ when i bend over :( it’s very inconvenient)#in other news this week absolutely s u c k s can i trade it in for a better one—#first there was that acid spill. which. like. ouch???? but the mark is still there and is apparently very obvious. which sucks #then the day after the acid attack™️ meself and one other guy were called out under the assumption that we were doing unnecessary overtime #with the ‘unnecessary’ part running off the basis that there’s a low sample volume bc one single monday had fewer samples than usual #and we were singled out j u s t because our taxi claims for last month were through the roof due to the fact that we live across the country #like??? hellooo????? why are you treating it like it’s my fault that i have to pay upwards of $24 (at least) to get home???#and??? excuse????? why are you extrapolating the previous day’s sample volume to the previous month’s workload as a whole????#but. m a n. the way the mildly higher up lady abruptly shouted at me for asking a question just. pissed me off. for some reason.#she was talking in circles regarding the future of our taxi claims #so i asked if we (now) had to submit a second claims form for the transport company dudes to compensate us #and she yelled at me to stop talking before i could finish :( sadded and annoyed tbh #though i get the feeling that she hasn’t liked me ever since i left some results she asked for between her desk and some other guy’s desk #and someone else had placed their notebook or sth atop it so she couldn’t find it. and she blamed me for it. ha.#that was a few weeks ago though. so. hm. i wonder if she’s still mad about that…#either way. i applied for a couple of jobs that are closer to my place bc screw travelling across the country for an hour every day #s c r e w hour-long train rides i’d rather sleep #i prolly won’t even get the other jobs but. oh well. that’s life ig

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gaywarenn · 5 days

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#so. there’s this girl. we’re taking the same 20hr a week summer class #so for five hours a day we are in close proximity. i saw her on the first day and thought she was cute. we got to talking #became friends. i organized a study group with us and a few other ppl from class but no one else showed… thank god tbh #what was meant to be a three hour study sesh became 12 hours of us talking about everything and nothing. hinting at being gay. more hinting #about being gay. hour ten: i tell her i’m into women. her smile. god. she laughs and says she’s also into women. red cheeks #nervous glances. she’s been kicking my feet all night just because she could. i’m smiling like an idiot because there’s a chance. she keeps #causally initiating contact. it’s getting to hour twelve. i’ve got to go because i have work in the morning. i can’t keep my eyes off her #‘when are we doing this again?’ ‘tuesday’ ‘deal’#i say goodbye followed with a casual ‘see you in less than 24hrs’ she replies even more casually ‘feels like an eternity’#so basically i’m feeling AO NORMAL HAHAHAHA!!! SHES INTO WOMEN.#SHE SAID I WAS INTIMIDATING WHEN WE FIRST MET. FEW HOURS LATER: INTIMIDATING WOMEN ARE ATTRACTIVE. AAAAHAHAAHAHA!!!! I CANT EVEN #basically i’m in LOVE. we’re planning her birthday party already and that shit is months away- just the two of us.WHAT THE FUCK IS MY LIFE?#I’m so happy and the one tumblr user that follows me has to know.#the way we’ve been texting for an hour after we’ve left. i’m positively gleeful

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irldragon · 10 months

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How'd you come up with your fursona?

i like simple designs with a handful of identifiers a lot! a green scalie is nothing original, but the blue undercut, spiked collar, and the nose ring make her very distinct to me. i like the idea of carving yourself out of something mundane, so it was important to me that she stood out for those reasons.

everything else added to her has just been constantly evolving over the years as a way to express my gender and identity. when i got my nose pierced, so did she. when i grew my hair out, so did she. when i figured out i was non-binary and started feeling more like girl than a twink, so did she!

here's her design early on (art by tu-ie):

and here's something recent (art by bit-bite):

she's just very me, and i hope to always use her as a canvas for my own personal development!

#thanks for asking :3 #i could talk about my fursona for hours tbh #i love her

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tired-beholding-bitch · 2 years

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fire exists the first in light

guess who’s in love with agnes montague and decided to make it everyone’s problem ❤️ it is me, yes ❤️

honestly this is just self-indulgent fluff because she deserved to have soft and kind and gentle things and she never go to, and jack had such a sweet and bright love for her. idk it just makes my heart clench to think about them.

enjoy! here you can find the fic on ao3 if you prefer ✨

ASHES denote that fire was;

Respect the grayest pile

For the departed creature’s sake

That hovered there awhile.

Fire exists the first in light,

And then consolidates,—

Only the chemist can disclose

Into what carbonates.

— Emily Dickinson

Agnes forgot her scarf.

Jack confirms that’s still the case by stealing another sideways glance at her, as if anything would have changed in the last minute or so.

He’s usually better at not staring at her quite so plainly. Usually, though, he isn’t as distracted.

Her throat is pale and delicate, her skin smooth like cream.

Jack wants to run his index finger down the long, perfect column of it, and press down gently in the hollow between her clavicles.

Instead, he curls his hand into a fist at his side, tendons tensing and relaxing as he tears his eyes away.

It doesn’t last, really. She’s hard to look away from, the way she stands tall, her shoulders drawn back and her chin tilted up, trusting her feet to find their place on the earth even on the irregular terrain of the park.

She approaches most things like that – unwaveringly certain of the end result, never pausing for questions – and sometimes he wonders what that makes of him, when he hardly knows where he’ll be next week. If she’ll look at him one day and decide, as one would decide whether to wear a white or black shirt, to simply never show up on his doorstep again.

It’d hardly be surprising, but he doesn’t like dwelling on it.

There’s no point to it – either she’ll stay or she won’t, but she is here right now, and that’s enough.

He sighs, glancing up at the sky. It looks like rain, but then, every day looks like rain in November. When he risks another look at Agnes, estimating enough time has passed as not to make it weird, she’s already looking back.

Her expression is wide open, thoughtful. His heart twinges sweetly at the sight of her lips, curled into a subdued version of her lopsided smile.

Jack isn’t a poet.

If he was, he’d be able to find better words to describe the way her hair burns against the slate-grey winter sky, dead branches threaded through it like dark, engorged veins. The subtle warmth of her body next to his, growing stronger every time their shoulders brush in passing. The white mist of her breath, thick and opaque like smoke.

He wants to hold her hand.

The next time their arms touch, he can feel the heat radiating from the back of her hands, curling around his wrist like a warning.

He doesn’t reach out. Instead, he swallows, and speaks before he can talk himself out of it.

«Do you want my scarf?» he says. It still comes out tentative, somewhat. He’s nervous around her. At this point, perhaps he’ll never stop, and he’s alright with the idea. It feels right, that there would be a price to pay to see her eyes widening, all amber and muted gold, as she hums in pleased surprise.

Her hand goes to her throat, long fingers wrapping around the naked skin, fingertips tapping an absent-minded rhythm. She nods.

The scarf is stifling around his neck, wound too tightly in his haste to leave the house. He unravels the knot quite gladly at her assent, holding out the bundle of fabric for her to take. It’s easy to imagine stepping in front of her, carefully tucking the ends into her coat. Her fingers twist in the soft cotton, tugging it closer, and he lets go of the thought.

She doesn’t tie it at all, letting it hang loose and swing slightly back and forth as she walks. The black cloth is a stark contrast to the paleness of her – it makes her face look sharper, carved roughly out of bone-white driftwood.

He wonders what she’d look like clad in vibrant greens and the dark yellow of autumn leaves, in robin egg blue and lavender purple. He hopes to be still here in the spring, if only to see a sundress flutter in the breeze around her knees, and feels adrift.

They walk in silence.

It lingers, stretching in the yawning distance between their fingers, scant and yet impossible to breach. It’s familiar.

Agnes doesn’t talk often.

In fact, it’d be maybe more accurate to say she doesn’t talk almost at all, except to offer tidbits of information in response to some rambling anecdote or other about his family or his friends or his job. He had quickly run out of stories, his life exhausting itself into her steady breathing and the cracking of twigs under her weight, and now they spend most of their time together just walking in the rapidly darkening light.

He holds what little she volunteered close to his chest, even if it paints a rather strange picture.

Something about a large family, and religion, and years she spent away, tangled in something bigger than he can understand. She doesn’t mind the cold. She doesn’t like spiders.

The time she told him about the spiders was the only one in which she’d let something like anger slip in her voice – it had seethed, crackling and powerful, and the air around them had grown hazy with the smell of smoke and burning dust.

He’d never talked about it again. He tries not to think too hard about any of it.

It’s kind of hard to do, though, when the only other occasions Agnes initiates conversation involve the kind of question that makes him freeze on the spot, anxiety writhing in his chest like it wants to scoop something out of it.

«Do I scare you?» she asks, today. She’s smiling as she speaks – the sort of there, sort of not smile that makes his heart contract and expand too violently, recoiling against his ribcage like a faulty gun –, her head just barely turned towards him. Her voice doesn’t raise at the end, and it comes out not sounding like a question at all.

She doesn't wait for an answer, either.

Her expression doesn't change, but he can still tell – with the absolute certainty of dreams, that lingering conviction – that she's sad when she wasn't before. Something in her choice, her gaze meaningful and heavy.

«It's okay if I do. I'm supposed to.» she says, and he can't gauge the emotion in her tone but it clings to the words like blood, her expression unreadable. Final.

Jack hates it with furious, single-minded intensity.

Then the streetlamp next to them blinks to life, casting its warm glow against the encroaching darkness of the evening, and suddenly she's awash with light.

It takes his breath away.

Agnes has always been beautiful. Now she's lit from within, almost, and he has the insane thought that if he touched her he'd burn.

He still wants.

Her eyes flicker like a summer bonfire, dark specks of terracotta dancing in her irises. This close he can make out the golden freckles dotting her nose – the red, suffused glow of her cheeks, the rose-tint of her lips he wants to kiss brighter. He might die if he did, he thinks, his wildly beating heart bursting out of his chest at last, but she's real and warm and breathing, and she might well be the only real and warm and breathing thing left in the world, in the island of light the streetlamp paints around them, his breath freezing in the glacial November air before he can fully exhale.

It leaves him unbalanced, teetering on the edge of something he isn't quite ready to face.

He falls.

«Can I hold your hand?» he asks, and it echoes too loud in the quiet between them. Presumptuous, maybe.

Heart rabbiting in his temples, climbing up his throat to pulse in his palate as he waits to see if he finally pushed his luck too far, he waits. Stops two steps behind her, leaving her space.

Agnes doesn't leave.

Instead, she stops, two steps in front. She rummages for a second in the deep pocket of her big black coat, making a small sound in her throat when she finds what she was looking for.

She slips the leather gloves on one at a time, primly, tugging them under the cuff of her sleeves until no skin is left exposed. They're maybe a little small for her – he watches her flex her fingers inside them, stretching them out, like

It's endearing. Even more so when she thrusts her arm behind her, fingers wiggling a little. He can't tell if she's trying to encourage him or just still getting used to the feeling of leather.

Jack takes her hand anyway, and ignores the way his own shakes as he does.

It feels momentous, when she tightens her grip, squeezing gently.

Warmth seeps through where their palms touch, flushed together, sensation coming back tingling and prickly to his cold skin.

«No one had ever held my hand before.» Agnes says, and her smile is more there than it isn't, her mouth soft and open with it. She doesn't sound sad anymore.

«I won't let go until you ask me to.» he says.

It isn't until the words are out he finds they sound as sure as hers ever did.

#tbh i should just go around wearing a 'ask me about agnes montague' shirt because i could talk about her for hours #and have before #(yes it was to saint) (yes that nickname is more and more literal)#(care u if you're reading this)#not to mention there's a joke to be made thereabout the string of fate #if that spider in his flat that she burns to dust had anything to do with it at least #but ANYWAYS #im also writing other things i promise this just happened to get done #unlike my several other wips #and i thought i might as well share it after sitting on it for a couple days #much love i hope y'all enjoy <3 #tma #tma fic #agnes montague #jack barnabas #tired writes

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fingertipsmp3 · 5 months

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I’m not sure if the seasonal depression is hitting especially hard this year or if I’m just grieving for Mabel or if I’m finally going irreparably insane or if life/people is being unfair towards me or all of the above

#i cry super hard every day now. sometimes multiple times a day #sometimes something sets it off specifically (like arguing with my mom earlier)#but sometimes i just think about mabel too much and start sobbing #i thought i was okay. i mean i knew i wasn’t okay but i knew time would do its thing #the first few weeks were the worst but earlier this month i felt like i’d kind of plateau’d #like i was still sad but i could look at photos and videos and talk about her without crying. i was even laughing #now… now i can’t even think of her. again #it just feels so fucking unfair that i’ll NEVER see her again. like what the fuck do you mean. what do you MEAN #what do you mean i have to live out my whole life… god knows how fucking long i’ll live; and N E V E R see her again. shut the fuck up.#that’s so fucking unfair. and everyone else is okay. i’m like how can you POSSIBLY just go about your life #the best dog in the world is dead and she’s going to stay dead and i won’t see her again for however many fucking stupid cursed decades #i live and i might not even see her when i die. how the HELL am i supposed to be okay with that. is that a joke #and there’s a part of me that’s like ‘maybe i could adopt another dog’ but i don’t know #i think i’d feel better and worse at the same time. i wouldn’t feel so alone but they wouldn’t be mabel #i put in an application for a terrier that’s at a local rescue but if i don’t get him i’m not trying again. i’ll take it as a hint #cats aren’t an option btw i found out i’m allergic. which was brand new information.. i’ve been around cats that didn’t set my allergies #off at all. but i guess there’s a difference between spending an hour at your friend’s house who has one cat #and living 24/7 with a cat that gets fur and dander and saliva everywhere #and i don’t think other pets would suit me. i just don’t feel comfortable caring for any animal i haven’t done research on #i had hamsters when i was a teenager but… tbh never again. they are so much fun but i have anxiety dreams about them now #so it’s dogs (well.. one dog) or nothing #i do have plans to speak to my doctor about my depression btw because i genuinely find this unsustainable #like i do think it’s situational (seasonal/grief/everyone around me seeming to want to argue with me lately) but i still need #mood stabilisers while i’m in this situation lol #personal

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blackkewpie · 1 year

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not to expound upon the political implications of fandom every chance i get but noel gruber is revolutionary gay representation because he wants to be fucked up and evil and it is so disheartening to see transformative works where they act like his wants and personality are character flaws. roadblocks in the way of the most conventional and milquetoast gay romance story ever put to word document. which isn’t terrible but the fact of the matter is noel gruber exists to say not every gay person wants to be normal or wants to have a normal easy heteroimitative life. marlene dietrich was a bisexual woman who endured mountains of hardship on every level and did important things and made important art. jean genet was a writer and activist who lived on the fringes of society doing survival sex work for most of his youth. liberace was never *out* out and was torn apart relentlessly by tabloids about his life. these are the people he canonically admires, he wants to be a starving artist and live a fantastic, queer, risky life that offends and challenges the mainstream. not because he is too naive to want a normal quiet life, but because he was raised in the bosom of the most banal, sterile, conservative small town existence he could have possibly been in and knows for a fact he wants the complete opposite. queer assimilation to the heteronormative standards of life has been a powerful tool in our survival, yes, but the point of that is to survive to make a world where that isn’t necessary anymore. the ease straight white cis abled society offers is one that exists at the expense of those who do not fit it. that is why the girl is fucked up. in a perfect world she shouldn’t have to be any other way.

#idk I just started reading a massively hyped transformative work in the fandom and jfc #it doesn’t hurt anybody and I know why it’s there #but dear lord #the amount of times they go out of their way to either implicitly or explicitly #punish or contort the aspects of Noel that make him fucked up #it’s just interesting #esp because they also make him trans which is why I’m reserving judgement #obviously they’ve done some of the work bc they’re not being weird about his gender expression #but OOOF you’re so close come on come on you can do it #also my other favorite character is constance and I can talk about black joy and radical acceptance with her for hours #but understanding what is oppressive about small conservative hegemony is crucial to understanding noel #and tbh thats his flaw to overcome by the end of the show imo #going from take me up and away above this small town cliche #to befriending mischa and sharing Constance’s joy during sugar cloud #realizing he did challenge people and was tragic and counter culture in his own way #in his own silly little small town #that’s the mountain he scales #to stop reducing his own accomplishments #but that has nothing to do with changing the fact that he doesn’t want to be like everyone else #and would have taken his queer rebellion further if he could have #ride the cyclone

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