#i can’t stop crying i have so many big assignments due today that i procrastinated bc i just couldn’t be bothered and now i’m overwhelmed | Explore Tumblr Posts and Blogs

aquarianlights · 6 years

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This has been such a stressful start to the semester I cannot even explain...

I am so fucking stressed out and my mother is not making it any fucking easier. I feel *really* bad for saying this, but I really can’t wait until she leaves tomorrow morning. I really do appreciate what she has done for me today and yesterday!! I do! But...my god, just. . .please, I have SOOOOOOOOOO much to do!!! I don’t have TIME for guests.

Like, I just REALLY enjoy living alone. I get SO much done and I can do everything on my own time in my own way and everything is exactly how I like it and everything is absolutely SPOTLESS and nothing is EVER left out and nothing is EVER not cleaned immediately and everything has a place and everything is in its place at all times unless I’m using it and everything is facing in the right directions at all times and everything is so nice and quiet and I don’t have to worry about “Can my roommates in the next room hear me? Am I being too loud?” and I can cry from my excruciating pain when I need to and I can just get up and run errands real quick when I actually am able to get the energy up to do it and it doesn’t have to be a big thing of who’s going and what are we getting and what do we need because I ALREADY KNOW because unlike my former roommates, I am EXTREMELY organized and EXTREMELY clean and EXTREMELY meticulous about my upkeep of everything in the house (taking out the trash, laundry, dishes, etc...). Nothing is ever procrastinated on. Ever. I have not been one to procrastinate in a LONG time. I can’t even REMEMBER the last time I procrastinated on something.

It’s such a surreal feeling to say this, but I actually do not understand people who procrastinate on everything until the last fucking second. Yet. . .I used to BE that person because of my depression for almost my ENTIRE LIFE up until a handful of years ago so I really SHOULD understand but I’m such a different person that I genuinely don’t. I---Quinn or Killian---can genuinely not even IMAGINE procrastinating on ANYTHING. I can’t imagine pushing ANYTHING back even by like... a day.

The SECOND I notice I need to do something, the furthest it will get pushed back is an hour. Idk if it’s part of my OCD now (since I was only recently diagnosed with OCD and only recently developed it, I really do not know much about the disorder. People reference it a lot jokingly like “Oh my god becky you’re so ocd hahaaha” like white people are so terrible about doing that and I HATE it, but BECAUSE of that, I genuinely do not know what this disorder entails......).

Like..... is a lack of procrastination part of OCD? Because after I notice a thing needs to be done, it eats away at me until it’s done.

For instance, let’s say I notice the trash is full and I need to take it out to the dumpster and change the bag. That involves collecting the little bags from the tiny trash cans and then taking the big bag down three flights of stairs and walking across the road to the dumpster and then coming back up three flights of stairs and then changing the big bag and the little bags. I can see why/how a lot of people would procrastinate on that. NOT ME. Why?

The second I notice it needs to be done, I get this weird feeling in my entire body that is more concentrated in my chest than anywhere and it makes it IMPOSSIBLE to get comfortable and IMPOSSIBLE to focus on anything (whether it be homework, a TV show, or even a conversation with a friend) until I have done that thing. So I literally feel like I don’t even have a choice in doing it immediately. Even if I don’t have ANY energy, I just tell myself “Look. All it is is a less than 5 minute thing that if you get done now will be a lot less work later and you’ll feel so much better when it is done and then you won’t have to worry about it tomorrow so just do the thing. It’s really not that big of a deal to walk a bit. It’ll do you good.”

And I do feel better afterwards. I feel much better, like this serene feeling of relief will wash over me after things are done and I have nothing left on my “to-do” list except long term things and my body will allow me to relax in bed and stuff. It’s so nice.

But this is applicable to literally ANYTHING. Making a phone call, homework, taking a shower, chores around the house...EATING... like, anything.

I can’t find a way to put ANYTHING off for over an hour. An hour is the longest amount of time I can give myself to just...chill and relax after getting home from a long day at school before absolutely NEEDING to do the thing.

I’ve been really wondering if it’s an OCD thing lately. Coz I REALLY DID used to be the person who would constantly put things off until the very last second because I had a negative amount of motivation due to my major depressive disorder, which I really don’t have anymore (I think??). I mean, I would put research papers and stuff off until the night it was due and I would speed-write it in the last few hours before the due date time and submit it RIGHT AT 11:59pm when it would be due online at midnight or I’d do them right outside the classroom right before class or even IN THE CLASSROOM DURING CLASS while our teachers were talking about the assignment and collecting it (that last one was mostly during high school).

A lot of times, I would procrastinate so badly that someone else who loved me would do my work for me because I was so unmotivated that I just literally couldn’t find any motivation to do it and I’d be crying and cutting myself over it instead of trying to do it ...because I just...literally...couldn’t. There was this executive dysfunction block SO BADLY. I mean, I cannot even express to you guys how bad my executive dysfunction was all my life up to a few years ago.

Sometimes I’d just get 0′s because I’d procrastinate to the point of not doing ANYTHING or push myself so far back that I’d only get a part of it done and I am such a perfectionist that I wouldn’t allow my professors to see anything less than perfect, so I wouldn’t submit anything.

Didn’t figure out until a year or so ago that it’s SO much better to submit SOMETHING than nothing at all. Doesn’t fucking matter what or if it’s not good. They don’t fucking care. It’ll save your damn grade.

But I’m REALLY wondering if this INCREDIBLY STARK CHANGE has been because I recently developed OCD. Because this anti-procrastination/get on top of things immediately thing seemed to develop right around the time I developed OCD behaviours, before I developed an OCD diagnosis.

It’s really odd and one thing that I’ve had a love-hate relationship with.

Same thing with my hyper-cleanliness and germaphobic-ness getting worse and worse and worse. Hell, my mom left her tea cup out on the counter like she always does wherever she is coz she has tea periodically throughout the day and uses the same cup. . .and I just fucking FLIPPED! I mean.... I fucking went OFF. I was shaking and about to have a panic attack.

So yeah, albeit it’s made me an INSANELY clean person (whereas in the past, my clothes would be EVERYWHERE and I’d just leave things on the floor all the time, bottles would be everywhere, the trash would never be taken out of my room unless my parents or roommates did it, and my bed was never made and also had a MILLION things on it at all times and barely ANY room for me to sleep EVER), it has also made me VERY panicky about germs and cleanliness and anti-clutter. I guess taking this human pathogens course isn’t exactly helping...lmao. I need it for my profession as a surgeon, though, so there’s no way outta it. Errrghhh....

But it ALL keeps getting worse and worse and worse as the days go on. I’m getting more and more panicky and snappy over the smallest of things. So far, it seems to be localized to my apartment and my car, thankfully. And, ofc, I do pick up and clean at my friends houses/apartments. Which... they certainly do not mind LMAO.

But everyone who knew me growing up and from young adulthood are all just like “WOW You’re so grown up! Wow oh my gosh look at how clean you’ve been and how spotless your apartment is and how ORGANIZED everything is!! You’ve always been clean, but just had that very cluttered style. So everything looked messy. But my god, your apartment is SO spotless and organized. Do you wanna teach me your secret?? Haha. :)”

They don’t see all the breakdowns I have where I am on my hands and knees scrubbing the same spot repetitively for an hour and then deep cleaning the apartment for the third time in the same day because “I’m just not quite sure it was effective the first two times...” and such. And they don’t see that I hallucinate bugs all the time and have freakouts. I mean, I’ve hallucinated bugs for many years. But. . .it’s been SO bad since OCD came about.

ANYWAYS... I’m gonna stop ranting coz it’s 9pm and I am wiped the fuck out. :| I wanna sleep again tonight since I only got to sleep for 15 hours in the span of the past 7 days. Pulled 3 all nighters and didn’t have time to sleep for much of the other days coz of exams. It was fucking rough. :| :| :|

Gonna have some dinner coz I am hangry. [Still mad about something that I won’t even get into here... if you’re on my fb, then you know...sigh.]

I just REALLY cannot wait to go back to my alone routine tomorrow. I quite love living alone. A LOTTTTTTTTTTTTTTT. :| :| :| :| :| I don’t know if I ever wanna live with roommates again. Lmao. As long as I have friends nearby, living alone is FANTASTIC. ;A;

#personal #ocd #obsessive compulsive disorder #obsessive compulsive #disorder #rant #thank you for coming to my ted talk

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