#i am sorry if i tagged you as a friend and you don't feel like it and vice versa
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I swear I have read your big post regarding Peter Parker's neurodivergence and why it is best to avoid labelling him, but he definitely has a weird brain
Can't find it and feel kinda sad about it cuz I deeply related to it
i know exactly which post you're talking about and i can't find it either! i've raked through my archive, and it's just - nowhere to be seen. i think tumblr eated it (it happens.)
really, tumblr's search functionality is so so useless, i don't know what to tell you. there are plenty of keywords i can search to find it that post, but the search functionality actually just does not work!
undiagnosed audhd-addled peter parker, my darling, my light, my life, my everything.
i think peter parker's such an interesting creature to write, because a lot of people will point to a certain behaviour about him and say "this is an autistic thing, right?" but a lot of those behaviours are actually, in my head, tied to certain traumas in peter's life too.
people say "oh, the food thing, peter's a picky eater because he's autistic" and yes, absolutely. but also it's tied to his trauma with his parents.
peter gets overstimulated, and yes, it's an autism thing, but also he was bitten by a radioactive spider and his senses are dialled to 11.
it's a similar case i've found for myself, too – where a lot of friends i have kind of diagnose me because i have autistic traits, but actually - i'm hesitant to claim the label or pursue diagnosis because, actually, i know where these certain behaviours come from, and they come from certain traumas. there are events i can pinpoint in my life and say "yep. that's where this behaviour comes from."
so - i think there's a lot of overlap between trauma and autistic traits. the brain is very complex! i think the reason for that overlap is maybe as simple as the fact that people with autism and people with trauma are both doing the same thing - developing behaviours to protect themselves or soothe themselves. so - i think it's nice to be able to see a character like peter parker, who may or may not be autistic, but recognise behaviours in him and see yourself in him.
people who go undiagnosed for whatever reason - people who are really good at masking - so good, in fact, that they have no idea they might be on the spectrum - everyone and anyone at all can look at peter parker and recognise themselves. because i think we discredit the thought that every single brain does the same thing! develops certain behaviours in order to survive. every brain has that same software - we've just all been faced with different hardships that we need to overcome, and that's were all the differences come in.
autism is a spectrum, i guess - everyone falls into it to some degree. and i think events in your life probably push you along on it. but i don't know, i didn't study brain science. probably what i'm saying is very stupid and uninformed. of course there's brain chemistry involved. but i know people in my life living with autism and certain events in their life have exacerbated certain behaviours or made coping with it a lot more difficult. so maybe trauma is a catalyst.
#a lot of my traits have been exacerbated lately and i remember it was much easier for me before#and some of my friends have said “oh it's because you've been masking too long and now you're facing autistic burnout.”#and that made sense to me i think.#but then i found out about the stress thing. me overproducing stress hormone. and that's a very physical thing.#and that explains why i've been overstimulated more than usual lately. and why everything feels like too much.#and i wonder how many of these traits of mine are going to subside once i have lamar removed#and it makes me wonder a lot of things. and it's so weird how much your brain is tied to your biology.#i wonder how much i'll change. i wonder how i'll feel. i wonder if i'll still feel like me. i wonder how much me is me right now.#and how much of me is being altered by weird freaky hormones. who am i?? who will i be??#i'm almost looking at this as like. a superhero origin story of some sort. like this is my spider-bite moment. maybe.#will i be different? will i cope with things differently?? now that my body isn't fighting something anymore??#maybe i'll be normal. i don't know. i don't know.#i don't know what it'll mean for me.#but all of these things mean i relate to peter parker in a certain kind of way#i don't think you have to be diagnosed with autism to recognise and empathise with those traits i think#i think everyone can see themselves in peter. and i think that's the benefit of having characters that aren't diagnosed.#because there's so much overlap in the human experience. and certain feelings aren't exclusive to just one group of people.#peter has such a rich identity actually. it's an autistic thing. it's a queer thing. it's a jewish thing. it's a trauma thing.#there are so many overlapping parts of peter's identity that inform who he is and how he behaves and it's never just one thing.#it's a product of all of his things.#just like me! just like everyone.#so me? i guess i can be a million things. you can explain what i am in a million different ways.#a hundred different psychologists can all come up with different ways to explain why i be the way i be.#i don't think it's something that can be simplified.#sorry wow. i'm really going off here in the tags.#i hope people don't think i'm stupid. i don't know brain science. i'm just philosophising as usual.#sci speaks
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questioning sexuality is so exhausting
#(edit: sorry for the rant in the tags and i just. i want someone to talk to me)#i keep on doing it for no apparent reason#someone was talking about lust yesterday and i realised today that.#even tho id thought i don't experience it. i possibly do. but exclusively towards women.#i hate it here!#for a multitude of reasons i will never have a relationship with a woman but! i may be incapable of having a relationship with a man!#at some point in the last few months i have abruptly pivoted from definitely wanting marriage and kids to being ambivalent on marriage#and not wanting kids. that's such an outlier in my life that it might just be a mental health thing tho idk#but at the same time i. want to be loved.#i don't know what i want anymore and im tired of questioning myself#i definitely overthink it but idk how to stop it#and i hate hate hate how the moral obsessions have bee lately#this isn't entirely related but it kind of is#like Am i a terrible morally bankrupt person for having certain thoughts or is it just religious ocd go brrrr?? am i overthinking it?#i don't know. i don't know!#for a while labelling myself as arospec ace kinda calmed that down but. i don't know#i do't want to be attracted to women. i don't want to have to look away so often. i don't want any of that.#but i don't know how to stop it.#i don't even know if i'm attracted to men at all.#this is a cry for help and encouragement and prayers no matter what your views on these matters are#queer stuff tag#i nearly fessed up to my friend yesterday about same sex attraction and i might've except that it would have probably outed me as#the person who anonymously sent in a question several months ago about the side b movement to a church thing#ive only told one person at church about any of that sort of stuff and it was very vaguely worded#also see: this friend is the mother of the boy i?? i don't even know how i feel about him#i increasingly think it wasn't romantic at all. but i don't know#i would love any encouragement you got. anything at all.#i don't know how much this stuff is affected by the fact that i consider myself unloveable and think it highly unlikely any boy will ever#care for me#now im rambling. sorry
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Hey! I love your screenshots so much! Do you have a guide on how you take them? Which mods, if any, do you use? How do you get the camera parallel to the ground at different heights etc? Any help would be amazing. Thank you!
Hey! Thank you! I love them, as well, and it’s always lovely to hear when others do!
Unfortunately, I am not much of a technical writer so I don’t have any guides.The reality is I spend hours and hours taking screenshots and I often feel like I luck into things looking nice.
But I can give you the same tips I give to my friends who have said it’s helpful advice:
Vanilla gpose is very good! You can do a lot in it without the need for 3rd party tools and I’ve found having a good, solid understanding of how gpose works is what really rockets shots into ‘oh wow’ territory. You really just have to touch all the buttons and see what they do and how they interact with each other.
The main thing is, for re/g-shade users: If it doesn’t look good in vanilla lighting, the preset isn’t going to make it suddenly stunning.
The second thing, for everyone, is: Play. Play is very important. If you’re not having fun you’re probably not gonna love the final result. If it feels like a chore, come back to it later! Play a different game!
The third thing, for everyone, is: These are not rules, these are not laws. Just because I do something a certain way doesn’t mean it’s the ‘right’ way to do it. Your eye is what makes your art beautiful.
I'm putting the rest under a cut because this wound up being three pages without the pictures because I ramble.
The parts of vanilla gpose I touch with every shot:
Camera Position: The first slider is your field of view. For portraits I set it to 200, but I tend to fiddle with it in all other shots until I get something I like. The second slider is rotation, very helpful to get to exactly 45 degrees or 90 degrees for shots. But you should also be able to use Q and E to rotate and this is fun to get neat angles on shots! Play with it!!
Depth of Field: I’ll be honest, I turn this sucker off because Reshade has ADOF which I think is better! But, I still suggest playing with this a little bit.
Lighting settings: You have three lights, each with three levels and each able to be a unique color. USE THEM. Find lighting objects in your setting that you can use to base the colors and directions off of. Is the moon full and above? Use a pale blue light as a rim light.
3a. Also, highly recommend looking at RL photography lighting set ups. This has been the most helpful. You can do a lot with three lights!!!!!
3b. Typically, I am mostly using two lights at type 1 or type 2. Sometimes I’ll use a third light, or that type 3 lighting, but it depends heavily upon the vibes.
3c. On this page there is ‘Character Lighting’ this makes your character brighter. I don’t use this at all because it tends to wash out shadows and shadows are an important part of lighting. I DO suggest that YOU use this to see how it works! A little is a lot, you know?
3d. THE MAIN THING IS TO PLAY WITH IT. Get weird with the lighting. Do really intense close up lights! Do funky colors! Cover them in bi lighting!!!!
Lighting Round Two: The one thing that my friends have said is the most helpful is telling them to use the Manual Birghtness Adjustment. This is on the general tab, not with your other lighting settings (circled in red). This controls the light of the WHOLE setting, including the brightness of your three lights. This is what really makes me go OH WOW. Turn it on, wiggle it around, be amazed. (Say it with me: Play with it!)
ADJUST YOUR LIGHTING.
Vanilla Gpose has a Motion Settings tab. This is what I use for my expressions but also a lot of ‘poses’ are just well captured emotes. A lot of this tab should be self explanatory.
The Eyes: The first eye has your subject turn to face the camera. You can have them look in a direction, turn it off, and freely move your camera around. The second eye is eye tracking. This is your friend! The head will stay stationary and the eyes will follow the camera.
Movement: Walk, run, sprint. Forward, left, right, back. Pause, play, reset.
Lip Movements: This, in junction with expression emotes, is very handy! Type 1 is minimal, type 3 is a lot more head movement. Pause, play, reset buttons.
Emotes: You already know what I’m gonna say. PLAY WITH THIS. Almost every emote can have an expression emote overlaid it and have lip movement added.
A personal favorite is /aback, /beam, lip movement 2, eye tracking.
Now. When you enter Gpose your subject is gonna be doing the animation they were last doing. To stop this, ground sit and stand before you enter gpose to start with a clean slate. However, this is also how you can get cool action shots. Using a dummy you can use an attack, reset the dummy, and enter gpose and your subject will be flailing wildly.
Some of the emotes and actions can move very quickly! To move things frame by frame we’re going to use the Disable/Enable Motion buttons. You have two of these at the top of the gpose settings.
Disable/Enable All Motion - This will pause or start all the motion of all the targets in your gpose! My Keybinding for this is 1 and I think this is the default for PC users.
Disable/Enable Target Motion - This will pause or start the motion of your current target. (Tab cycles through the characters caught in your gpose.) My Keybinding for this is 2 and I think this is the default for PC users.
To go frame by frame by frame through an emote or action you’re going to freeze the character (1) and then, rapidly, you’re going to hit 1 then 2. (1 2 1 2 1 2 1 2) this unfreezes your subject and then refreezes them. Be mindful of your eye tracking and camera!
One last thing: Take a LOT of shots. From all sorts of angles, with all sorts of lighting, with different expression. For every 1 screenshot I post there are about a 100 others that I didn't like as much.
Whew, okay, I think that covers the stuff I tell my friends. Sorry this got kinda long and it might be confusing because, again, I am no technical writer!
Now, I do use 3rd party tools but I’m only comfortable talking about those off anon! Other than Reshade. I understand social anxiety might keep folks from asking directly but I am a nervous person myself and just do not feel comfy talking about that stuff so publicly. But I try to be helpful where and when I can!
Apologies, anon, if this isn’t what you were hoping for in a reply but if anyone else reads this maybe they’ll learn a new trick or idea of idk something!!!
If you read the all thing that's fucking WILD and the only reward I have for you is my love !!
#AHHHHHHHHHHHHHH#I'm just posting it sorry if this isn't what you wanted anon!!!#the camera thing I don't think i fully understood but!!!#feel free to DM me sometimes I'm slow to respond but !!! I don't mind helping!#idk what to tag this as so like idk idk idk#guide#every time a friend asks me for tips these are usually what I give them btw#play with things#take your time!!!!!!!!!!!!!!#The other secret is that I am usually zooted out of my fucking mind and I take 5 hours to do a single gpose
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#(huge relieved sigh)#I'm emotional over the little community that I get to participate in here#been on Tumblr over 10 years#been in multiple fandoms that I've made content for#and this is the first time I've experienced this level of interaction and community#first time I've had mutuals and had that actually mean something#I'm still terrified of unknowingly doing something rude or wrong or annoying (which is why I struggle so much to tag people) but#idk I'm starting to feel braver#I'm actually getting emotional thinking about it#sorry I'm just#maybe rereading symphony and noticing how lonely Violist-chan is has got me focused on how lonely I am too#and yeah it's not like I'm anyone's actual friend on here but just being able to interact and participate and be welcomed is...#idk#there's this gnawing ache in my chest all the time but this little community brings me sparks of joy that I haven't felt in a long time#sorry ignore me I'm just#i don't know#I'm trying to express my gratitude but I'm not doing a very good job#if anyone actually reads this just know I'm trying to say thank you for being nice and for letting me be feral over turtles with you#and i hope you're all having a good day
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Funny idea:
sc tricks chosen into hanging out with Alan in the safety room, and chosen accidentally gets so stressed that they start sparking. They have to evacuate from there.
oh GOD lmao-- alan would be so upset with sc for doing that--
i can imagine chosen just getting jumpscared by him and accidentally exploding into flame
#tommy's stickmen tag#alan afterwards is just like 'oh my god i am SO sorry i need to talk to them about not doing this'#chosen would never admit it but they do think it is kind of sweet that sc is trying to have them get along#like. they don't know better. they're just a kid who wants their friends to get along#though they are consistently startled by what a well adjusted kid they are#sc: i love my friends and i like being around alan. im so glad i get to be around him in person! i can hug him :]#chosen: how the fuck are you not alive? how did alan not immediately kill you. were you just nice enough that you made him feel bad.
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'this is like wanting your kid to get better by yelling at them and hitting them… you know it won't change/fix anything.'
EXACTLY I have been saying this for so long!! it's not gonna work and it's just gonna make everything worse. it's not a form of activism to just bully people until they conform to what you want; humans are autonomous people capable of choosing good, and like. we could be in the fandom of another band that doesn't even try, whose fans have given up on them and are just there for the music and the drama, but it's like the minute they do try to do something good they have to do activism a certain way and it almost becomes a kind of purity culture and purity culture is famously about control and not good for anyone.
but it's also people trying to be funny in the comments with thinly veiled frustrations that come out as insults about their appearance (which especially gets to me bc like. does body positivity stop if you're famous? or are they just idealised figures/bodies/personalities for us to look at and pretend our bodies don't change over time and we don't like it when they remind us that they actually do?) or their partners or how they express themselves. and it's the aura of entitlement that erodes their right to autonomy and individuality that gets me, not only because the way we get the creative music they make is them expressing that.
anyway i do think we as a fandom can do better and i want to attempt to start a conversation about that rather than trying to call people out in the comments. still thinking of how. there's a lot of people in the fandom who are struggling and exasperated with life and relate to their songs and the pressure has to come out somewhere; it ends up being in comments they feel like won't ever be seen except for by people who agree with them, at people who seem to far away and too big to ever see getting hurt by their comments. at least that's what I assume happens. but yes, they were bullying a cat
I agree with everything...
Was it always like this? It can't be because this is too much, none of the hate was on me and I couldn't take it, I wonder how the guys (or any celebrity) feels, being judged about the tiniest move you do, it's crazy I would totally lose my mind.
That's not how life is... yes I would love to be a fan of good people but if the gf/partner of the artist you're a fan of is bad and their friends are bad what does that make them? Maybe it's on you, maybe YOU should pick better idk 😭.
#like you don't have to like everyone around the guys they're not your friends. You don't know them.#maybe I'm the worst person to agree to this because yes i look up the ''drama'' or whatever and I'm nosy but i never thought for a second-#-that I can tell them what or who to hang out with...#because it's stupid. like here I am from across the planet and I'm gonna fix 5sos and their friend group yes totally not mental...#please 😭😭#Also is it activism if you tell them how they should say it and do it? If they say something it's not enough-#-if they don't they're the worst to walk on this earth. If they apologize for a mistake it's not sincere and won't be accepted.#How will anyone change if you don't even let them?#this fandom can do better but will it ever try? Maybe when it's too late.#too late as in they stop interacting with us ever... and i wouldn't blame them..#call me bald everyday i will write a paragraph about how you ain't shit. you WILL see me in fan wars lmao... ashton is better than me.#are the tags too much? im sorry i feel more comfortable here lol 😭#ask#5sos
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I just read your tags on your reblog (of the thing I stole your tags for 😅) and - you know the moment in the cartoon where Kash says "we were hoping Earth Wind and Fire here could assist" and everybody looks at Keyleth and Keyleth looks the other way first like "...oh you mean me??" That was 100% me ^^' I am HIGH KEY flattered, but also I'm very much "??!???!?" at the thought of anyone fangirling over me, of all people! whyyy (for real, though, really!?)
(also always SO SO GOOD to find someone else who fucking loves Scanlan 'Patented Disaster' Shorthalt, warts and all 💜)
I don't think I've gotten an ask before!!! This is exciting!!!
Also I love that scene in TLOVM so much I get what you mean by the whole "oh you mean me thing" sjshdjdn I'd probably be a lil shocked too but I'm genuinely am like. A big fan. Getting even this ask got me fangirling all over again!! I love your art so much and you have such an accurate way of portraying Scanlan it drives me nuts!! Both your design and characterization in comics and such just ahh!! Being able to say that's my boy!!! Is so exciting to me!!
It's so hard to find people who are decent about Scanlan it's insane though!! I've seen Scanlan be put through such hellish miss characterization and exclusion. Often times treated more like a thing than a person in my opinion. (Sam's characters as a whole I think are very slept on. Like even with big character reveals the only time I've seen fcg really be posted a LOT about was in relation to romance) on the rare occasion where I see someone who clearly appreciates Scanlan's complexities they basically get immediately engrained into my brain just like you have. Though with how much you've posted of him I think you're past simply engrained and just are part of my brain now.
Also warts and all is a funny way to put it while also being very accurate ajshsjsn but if I dive into that this post though I'd end out discovering what's the word limit on Tumblr 😅
#am still exhausted so gonna sleep soon#i have no clue how to tag this properly 🤔🤔🤔#asks#i should have a proper cool ask tag name but ill probably forget about it next time i get an ask cause i rarely get them.#anyways i love talking about scanlan i can never get enough of it so yhis whole exchange makes me really happy#theres also a layer of like. when any artist i admire chats with me i have yhis moment of like. holy shit picasso is in my dms#even if we've been friends for a while im like.. woah.#ok update words are not wording anymore but if i don't reply now ill forget so sorry for that#i think things should mostly make sense so it should be fine??? but like if you do end out wanting to reply to this too feel free to ask#me to explain wtf i was trying to say. dms are open and so is the asks button#though i guess you could always comment 🤔 ehh whatever you wanna do
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#oh i am a bit tired tonight folks. had a nice time yesterday trawling through old pens forums and linking back some posts to here#(all with links because like - it's nice to share where you've found fun stuff right?) no point gatekeeping at all - we don't own content#and then the same old people once again somehow by chance post the exact same five or six photos 5 minutes after#and yeah. great minds think alike right? you were probably trawling a not touched since 2015 forum too at the same time. it's possible#and out of the hundreds of photos on there you decided to make the exact selection i did. it's possible right?#and truthfully i don't really care because i'm posting this stuff because my blog is MY personal archive and it's stuff I want to catalogue#but when you have blocked as many blogs and sideblogs as you can and people are still finding you and send you shitty anons for just...#daring to use the player tags? cataloging stuff by literally tagging the player's name? ughhhhh it's exhausting how can i block you when yo#are the tumblr equivalent of hydra regrowing a new fake sideblog pretending to be a different person every week.#sorry i know this ranting into the abyss is pointless but i have a few more posts scheduled for tonight and i know i'll wake up tomorrow#and miraculously the same ones will be posted on the same people's blogs 5 minutes after me and it's just so childish#but yeah. we all know who they are and i'm just a little tired of it and hearing the stories of people being harassed in their inboxes/dms#anyway anyway anyway. i think i shall just take a break from posting stuff because feeling a little disheartened! and uncomfortable#because i feel watched. please stop using other blogs to find me. please stop talking about me in your tags. touch some grass my friends
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it's nice that we're getting anything i guess, but, i'm gonna be what may come off as a little petty and whiny here; it'd be cool if either iteration of the gen 9 anime so far was actually about gen 9's characters instead of using them as cameos to promote original stories we have no investment in yet
it's like, i dunno, like the bait and switch with sonic appearing in wreck it ralph ads, except if wreck it ralph existing meant there would never be a sonic movie, and if you were invested in those characters and recognized they weren't generic platformer mascots, sucks for you, nobody cares
maybe they're just giving the DLC space to do its thing with them first (if they do anything at all...) but idk, i was cautiously optimistic about nemona in horizons, only for her to be a character of the day that the episode wasn't about, and pretty excited by "gen 9 prequel anime" only to find out it's going to be like, four short stories about OCs who have quick brushes with them. these are like the lacroix hint of what an anime about the game could've been like and you're left to imagine the rest yourself
i shouldn't be that surprised if the gen 8 anime reduced hero of galar hop to a character of the day with a level 5 wooloo in order to let the galaxy revolve around ash battling his brother because epic charizards, but man. what if it wasn't like that that now that ash is gone.
we haven't seen penny and team star at all because they're the hardest to talk about without bringing up the trauma of school bullying and the fear of being yourself at school when you're way too young to be dealing with all that drama responsibly. she's still learning to love and forgive herself and feel wanted.
arven's story is about, like, being a latchkey kid to a self-absorbed parent, being unsure how to feel about repairing the relationship or how seriously to take them saying they love him, and struggling to make friends due to misdirected resentment toward people he's jealous of for having apparently normal families and the stubborn self-reliance he was forced into. he's still trying to process things, find himself, and let people in.
nemona is supposed to have been a directionless lonely and depressed kid who hated being called gifted when everything was hard for her, until she met the player character and gained a peer who understood and appreciated she was a little different and she didn't have to mask her true self to have friends anymore. she's happy for now, but may still be under a little too much pressure to be perfect at the expense of her own personality, and probably won't deal well with being abandoned.
as much as they resonate with adults and are a little darker than usual pokemon fare, they're also smaller scale and realer. they are all stories that are explicitly about and meant to be relatable to kids going to school! y'know, your audience! you don't need to paint over them with 3-4 new characters and new stories every time like there was nothing there, or something shameful you need to sanitize and cover up! you can just use the game the way it is!
this got a little more heated than i intended, i just feel a little ridiculous waiting anxiously for loose scraps of a sign that this story isn't over and in the trash already and nemona's life-changing attachment to the player character isn't going to go totally ignored, as we are bombarded with what is supposed to be followup material that almost all seems eager to talk about literally anything else like they think the main story was a mistake they need to run away from
now, i'm not one to complain about original stories being told, but this was already a story that had room to grow. imagine a world where the gen 9 anime was actually about nemona, arven, penny, and the friend who brought them together. or what their lives were like before that friend came along. every episode. that would get me to watch the anime again and whatever movie came out for it. ask yourself why we don't have that, or even the traditional, like, 1-2 characters tagging along with the MCs per region thing that would leave us knowing them better than we know some irl friends
how was starting over with 100% original characters and new lore that might conflict hard with the upcoming DLC the safer bet? why is a 44 minute miniseries specifically for fans of the game making up OCs for them to get invested in and scrambling to tell their stories as quickly as possible before throwing them in the trash instead of being about the damn game?
sigh. i shouldn't get invested in a series that's about selling monster plushies just because it had one story that stuck with me
#paldean winds seems to mostly be making fun of the infodumping fat pokemon nerd character until he gets his own episode#y'know. the one that represents a lot of their viewers#while nemona is right there outside the window hyping up little kids about battles as usual because they don't hate her like her peers#honestly her overhearing the conversation and looking a little uncomfortable about it would've been a good touch#confirmation that the subtext i noticed is actually considered part of the canon and not a happy accident they'll never talk about again#something i have only gotten from pokemon masters so far#pokemon sv#pokemon#nemonaposting#pokemon scarvi#pokemon scarlet and violet#yada yada ten million other tags#'well at least there's the manga' the manga that inserted its own wacky main character that will probably also revolve around him#idk that one could still be good but it's also an AU and not the versions of the characters i'm invested in if that makes sense#i've been begging for pokemon to feel in touch with its audience forever and as soon as it is they treat it like a hot potato#i feel fucking obsessed because of how long this tease has been stretching on for no good reason#they could've just let us ACTUALLY hang out with the friend trio in vanilla postgame and shown them in the DLC a single time#and i could have had a normal social media presence for the past 3-6 months#instead of dreaming about a pokemon npc last night because of how little faith i have in her getting any justice outside of a fucking gacha#i am so sorry that this is who i am now except for the 2-3 of you who follow me specifically because i post these things#pennyposting#arvenposting
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*walks in, covered in ash and emanating smoke, like a Looney Tunes character after surviving an explosion* hey guys i'm back
#rys.txt#uh. long ass tags that are mostly me venting below#second semester of college down and i think i did even worse than the first one#i've definitely failed at least one class but probably more than that. in fact i can only confidently say that i passed one class#i'm too scared to look at the grades on canvas. everything gets finalized on like. wednesday i think#i'm not getting worked up about it. my dad's gonna be pissed but you know what? i'm also pissed!#i am genuinely unable to focus on my work! i've genuinely tried everything i can think of to help and it has only barely helped!#every time i try to focus on my school work it feels like my brain just disconnects! no matter what the fuck i do!#and if i try to ask my dad for help he's like “just focus on your work” BITCH I TRIED! I'VE BEEN TRYING SO HARD! I HAVEN'T BEEN ABLE TO!#so help me god i WILL be evaluated for adhd this summer otherwise i'm just not gonna fucking go back#MY BROTHER IN CHRIST THERE IS CLEARLY SOMETHING WRONG WITH ME AND THERE HAS BEEN FOR YEARS!!#SORRY YOU WERE NEVER AROUND AND NEVER INTERACTED WITH ME ENOUGH TO SEE IT!! SORRY I LEARNED TO MASK AROUND YOU FOR FEAR OF BEING TOLD OFF!!#ok. venting about my father in the tags aside. things are looking up for me now!! :D#school is over! i don't have to worry about that for another 4 months! my friends are back in town! i have time alone during the day!#I HAVE A DISC DRIVE FOR MY COMPUTER I CAN BURN CDS NOW!! I'M SO HYPE I'VE WANTED THIS FOR SO LONG#I'M LITERALLY GOING THROUGH THIS BIG BOX OF OLD CDS AND FLOPPY DISKS AND SHIT FROM OUR BASEMENT AND THERES BLANKS I CAN BURN!!#MY MENTAL HEALTH IS NO LONGER TOTALLY IN THE SHITTER BABY!! I'M BACK!!
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thinking about how in boo jason goes to the hades cabin and he's like "hey i've been like crying all night um quick question. did i really just see my best friend die right in front of me?" and nico's like "ah jeez uh yeah you kinda did. sorry bout that" and jason's like "fuck, man. hey uh,, you aren't like,, leaving camp, are you? cuz i don't think i can handle losing someone else right now" and nico's like "course not, of course i'm gonna stay here" and jason's like "really? that's—that's great, thanks" but then like 2 seconds later when will wants to talk about his three days in the infirmary or whatever nico just immediately leaves to go chill with him. like woah buddy
like in hoh it was like Stated that percy was the most important person to nico but by the time boo rolled around nico's top priorities were hazel and jason FOLLOWED BY percy and the rest of the crew. like jason was more important to him than the guy he'd been super into and cared a fucktonne about for literally three years when he had just accepted jason as his friend for like a day before then. i kinda find it hard to believe that nico finds it more important to hang out with william andrew solace for 4 seconds than to comfort his close friend who he cares about deeply who just watched his friend die.
#i feel like this is the sort of thing that people would say 'aw he likes will so much that he's prioritising him above all else' about#but like. it feels off#like it doesn't feel like the nico thing to do#like ok. maybe nico's looking for excuses to hang out with will cuz he likes him already. whatever. fine.#but like neeks. nicnic. vicky of angy. your friend is devastated by a close loved one's death.#like don't just ignore your grieving friend for some guy you just met#but hey what do i nose#nico di angelo#jason grace#pjo#hoo#hm. i am not tagging the other characters mentioned#sorry to the s/langelo likers for this one#(censored so it doesn't appear in searches. not trying to make em see this when they just want ship content)#anyways#sorry about all the tags rip#and for the probably bad take. i do what i want though. piss off#allfatherly guidance
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somehow reading a lot of these sns post ended up making me feel weirdly embarrassed for drawing sasunaru lol...
BUT FUCK IT MAN I LOVE BOTTOM NARUTO AND I'M GOING TO DRAW HIM LIKE I WANNA FUCK THIS MAN OKAY 😤😤 i don't care if people gonna say i'm projecting or anything, if i am so what, dude... SO WHAT.
#sorry i need to get this out because this feeling will just curb my own creativity#can't draw shit i want when i am being surrounded by imaginary people telling me what i draw is somehow disgusting or weird#i've been there when i was in school#had to hide all of my sketchbooks from my family and friends because once they said what i draw is weird as fuck for a girl#even worse.... one of my male classmates draw sexy girls but they never think it's weird#did you see the dilemma now?#anyway i will draw naruto in the same way those male artists draw their waifus#i don't give a damn#and honestly this is not just about naruto but for all of the male characters i like#tmi tag
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i need to get out of this house so so bad
#snac munches#don't open tags i'm ve/nting ok#432462464362#231321421421#43243242352#etc. to block it#sorry if these are actual tags somehow. my bad#i will not go into details but this blogger may not be here by the week#literally just staying in this house with 3 other people#staying in 1 room all day#no job no money no food friends moved on#like what do i even do#my mom is the only one of those 3 that talks to me and it's never about me#never [how are you feeling] [do you wanna go out] [wanna do something together?]#just about my future so much pressure GOD#i never thought i'd have one of those i thought i'd be dead before 16#Can i have a moment. Pelase#and i TRY i try to get out of my room#i spend time with my mom but it's so one-sided#i listen to her when she talks and i watch shows with her and go places she likes#the moment i bring up one of my interests she brings out her phone or goes [i wasn't listening what?]#Mann I Couldn't even get anything for my birthday sobbing#And now that i think abt it my mom didn't get me anything either?? i get that we're short on money but like#i didn't even get a [happy birthday]#And we've been infested with beetles for 4 YEARS nothing's been done#I am at my limit fr#a2t#<- jic
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Dust ep3 eeeeussh
#wacky watermelons#return of taz burying their gays smh (i am joking and kidding)#i feel. i feel like i dont need to tag spoilers for the 6 year old comedy podcast episode#but still. beware#the sound of sucking air through your teeth#grimace. thats the word#anyway. so sorry for both of these characters whose names i do Not remember#this is why you don't get crushes on your straight best friend#bc they marry your sister and then die and you get framed#funny as hell. i imagine aubrey was travis's apology for this specifically (also joking)#i feel i need to specify to joking because this seems like a topic people get heated about#i will not get too into it but like. there are no perfect allies. but “wants to and does do better” is pretty good#anyway back to dust :]!
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at least now i've gone through an important tumblr rite of passage, watching a longtime mutual become a radfem :/
#the thing that really got me was that they were talking about their morality ocd triggering them about it#bc of the way tumblr and the internet in general has this black and white approach to things#and one of those i guess was 'transphobes = bad' which like. is not what i'm ever talking about when i say that things have more nuance#that said i DO think that the way this website prioritizing hating terfs over supporting trans people is kinda gross#but anyway this person was so anxious about it and it just was depressing bc i related to that#they were SO afraid of losing friends or being cancelled over it and i was just like damn i wonder if all terfs are that miserable#but they acted like they just had no choice but to believe this 'thing' that they constantly alluded to but never talked outright about#which i am pretty sure now is just that they're a radfem or at least believe in a lot of radfem ideologies#and honestly? i go back and forth between genuinely feeling so bad for them and being like well that's what you fucking get#i wish i'd had the courage to talk to them about it but whenever i thought about it i got immeasurable anxiety#sorry for the very long tag ramble i just haven't been able to talk about this and it's been eating ME up too for a long time#i just feel horrible. i know in the past they've mentioned too how they want people to tell them why if they unfollow/block them#but i can't. i cannot. and then i'm afraid of just feeding into their victim complex by doing this#i just can't win. and it's like. i'm trans i am literally affected by their bigotry that they're acting like is just not even a choice#ALSO I REMEMBER HOW THEY MADE A POST ONCE ABOUT HOW PEOPLE IRL DON'T TALK ABOUT TRANS STUFF#LIEK IDK WHAT PLANET YOU ARE LIVING ON MY DUDE BUT I HAVE LIKE 5 TRANS COWORKERS AND EVERYONE IS VERY NORMAL ABOUT THEM#like maybe YOU live in a bad area#but you're just a really loud minority#anyway. yeah. just. oof.#still feeling some kind of anxiety about it#win rambles
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one of you darlings (how i think of my followers i recognise, yes i see you xx) tagged a post i just reblogged saying they don't actively pursue relationships bc they're embarrassed at being virgins in their mid 20s and like!!! hi hello same!!!! it's like... it was cute at 18-19. marketable even. now it's just getting kind of sad? and idk how to remedy that. i don't suffer the sort of yearning that's painful so to a lot of ppl i come across as totally uninterested in love and sex but it's not true!!! i Am interested!!! v much so!!! it kinda feels like i've crossed a line of no return... like my inexperience surely is unappealing even to the biggest virginity fetishist out there (which, realistically, that can't be true, but it's how i feel). and then add to that all of the other ways i am a fkg loser... where do i find the audacity to be a loser who doesn't know how to kiss 😩 ough we are going thru it my loves but it's ok bc we be going thru it TOGETHER 💗
#ray says#i have no words of wisdom truly we are just going thru it together. that is the only comfort i have for you#i am thankful for all my friends tho bc their friendship fills me w so much love i often forget abt romance. the one love i don't know of#will i ever? maybe. i'll likely be one of those ppl who find love when i'm considered too old for it. but oh it'll be sweet!#it'll be sweet and grand and just the right time for me to receive it!#sorry to my follower i hope you don't feel too targeted. don't let this stop you from talking in your tags i'm sorry
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