top 10 images that make me go insane

დ content tag game დ

tagged by the loveliest angel @augustbutwinter to do this fun tag. thank you so much my love! 

1. what fandoms have you written for (but do not currently)?  - harry potter, muse, merlin, supernatural, doctor who, sherlock

2. what fandoms are you currently writing for? - kpop only

3. how long have you been writing? on this blog?  - my first actual fanfic would have been when i was about 8? it was for sailor moon but it was literally only in a journal i had. i presume that counts. so that would put us at 24 years lmao - on this blog specifically, since april 2017

4. on which platforms do you post your stories?  - here and AO3

5. what is your favourite genre to write? - aaaaangst lmao and horror/suspense. i love really dark things, and have always had a fascination in writing things that disturb me? i think its from an analytical or psychological perspective, exploring the limits of humanity and processing for myself why these things make me uncomfortable/where i feel them on my body/what is fear vs disgust idk. also very much enjoy fantasy/supernatural. 

6. are you a pantser or a planner? - almost always i have a plan, however there are some fics that come out of nowhere and i just have to write them. examples of this are enough and love; always

7. one shot or multi-chapter? - i usually try very hard to keep things as a one shot, and reserve series for things that actually have substance enough to extend past 3 chapters. lately, all my ideas have been very plot heavy or come from worlds i am very interested in exploring and/or have aspects of emotion i want to work through. if i cant keep it to a one shot (like...under 30k) i will make it a series and ill be angry at myself lmao

8. what is the perfect chapter length in your opinion?  - anywhere from 5-9k is a solid, average chapter length for me. some chapters, in hero for example, need to be more than this because theyre the heavy plot chapters. i have been trying not to focus on lengths anymore, just want to write until the story is told

9. what is your longest published story? is it complete?  - the longest story ive ever written is 154k in a different fandom and yes its complete. at the moment, hero is breaching 98k and i imagine it will be my longest when its completed

10. which story did you enjoy working on the most?  - when it comes to series, hero and time runner will, and always will be, the most special things ive ever done. i feel at home and myself when im writing them. im in love with writing them. the ideas are so strong, and the characters are so loud and clearly defined it just is the best time making art ive ever had. - for one shots, light sakura was truly catharsis. i needed to write that. its the most personal, vulnerable thing ive ever written and will probably never produce something like that again unless theres another major event in my life. also absolutely adored writing molotov cocktail and empty vessels. those are both the easiest 30k ive ever produced

11. favourite request you’ve have written and why (if any?)  - brooklyn is burning was technically a request and im extremely partial to it

12. are there reoccurring themes in your stories?  - oh yeah. usually my female characters are working through bad relationships or finding their voices, seeking identity and power in worlds that dont necessarily provide that. i write what i feel and what ive lived, the worlds around the characters are just exaggerations of reality and my imagination. theres always a little piece of me in my stories, and usually that piece comes down to them learning to trust which is something i struggle with

13. current number of wips?  - please i cannot share this number, not when im ashamed of the amount lmao

14. three things you have noticed about your own writing? 1. smut is insanely hard for me 2. fluff is almost impossible, and could be considered my weakness. happiness is an external feeling, an outward experience. im a very bodied writer and finding joy or finding small bits of romance is difficult (largely because i live alone) so i will over explain aspects of the idol character or highlight small actions in the effort of holding onto them 3. i am still learning to trust the process

15. a quote you like from a published story.

‘Don’t confuse loyalty with strength,’ you say, as he releases you. You remain still, forehead pressing against the bars to get as close to him as possible. ‘I have no allegiance to you. My silence is not owed to you.’

‘Really?’ he says with disdain. ‘It was given so freely the last two days.’

‘Your ignorance proves you have never truly known a woman,’ you taunt. ‘We are always at war, even if we are silent.’

- from: hero - chapter 3

16. a quote from an unpublished story.

Would it have been easier for you both to survive if you could be a needy, fragile little thing - not ready to die, not ready to leave him on his own?

The night before, Chanyeol held you close, kissed you until your throat felt raw, and made you realize he didn’t want it, didn’t need it. He loved the war in you, handled you like a blade between his fingers, skin unmarred by your sharp edges. He didn’t want it, but you wanted it, at least a little. You wanted him to know there were still traces inside you of the girl you lost.

from: time runner - chapter 7

17. space for you to say something to your readers.

hello beautiful loves. every moment you even click on one of my works an angel gets its wings <3

tagging: @yehet-me-up @kyungseokie @jenmyeons @j-pping @jamaisjoons @yoonia @kithtaehyung @inkedtae @kookdiaries @kookingtae @xiaokoo @sunshinekims @biaswreckingfics @ditzymax @sugaurora @bangtanhome @yeojaa @sahmfanficbts @xjoonchildx @writtenwhalien @jinpanman @cutechim and anyone else who would like to do this <3 as always please only do so if comfy! 

Shiverwood Facilities

(This is a WIP, will probably be updated fairly frequently!)

PREFACE

This blog is a headcanon blog- it is not run as canon, and everything said is my own personal headcanons. The goal of this blog is just to explore the Pokemon world and the lore in ways that canon does not, I don’t claim anything I say to be canon or superior to anybody else’s headcanons.

This blog ignores game mechanics, as they don’t apply to the more realistic approach I’m taking here. I’m operating more under a blend of manga and anime mechanics. Storylines in the games may be acknowledged, but game mechanics (level up system, IVs and EVs, etc) are not canon to this blog.

A note from the person who runs this blog: I am by no means a medical expert, or an expert in real life animals. This is all for fun, and is just my fun way of having a blog for a self-indulgent Pokemon OC. Do not take anything I see here as real-life medical or animal handling advice- I am not a professional in any way.

(I also want to note- I was inspired by the Professor Peach blog to start my own, so shoutout to them for giving me the idea!!)

—————

What do we do?

Shiverwood Facilities itself is dedicated both to Pokemon research and Pokemon care. Our work is primarily based on Pokemon behaviour rather than on any specific Pokemon type, with our primary work being researching into a broad spectrum of Pokemon behaviours, and the care of Pokemon sent to us for care or rehabilitation. We also act as an in-between for Pokemon that need more intensive rehabilitation we can’t offer and we can often take in Pokemon that need to be removed from situations, but who don’t have someone to take them in quite yet. 

On the research side of things, I (Professor Laurel) am in charge of most aspects of it. My research is centralized on Pokemon variants, the environmental causes, and the behavioural aspects. I’m also a behaviouralist myself, with a background in that sort of research, so I’m a bit of an encyclopedia on Pokemon behaviour and the habits of various species. I’m most familiar with Dragon, Grass, and Bug type Pokemon, but I can help with pretty much any typing. 

Our site is equipped to deal with Pokemon that need care or minimal rehabilitation- anything more intensive we offer to just hold onto the Pokemon in question until someone more qualified can come and pick them up. Pokemon care here covers mental wellbeing and physical health- we have several behaviouralists onsite, including myself, who can get to the root of the problem and help a Pokemon emotionally, as well as trained medical staff who can deal with anything physical, be it injuries or something chronic. Our medical facilities are equivalent to a Pokemon Centre, and we often take in injured wild Pokemon for short stays before releasing them, but we’ll also help out trainers who pass by, or anyone who needs to bring in their Pokemon for a longer stay, free of charge. Any Pokemon left with us, whether found after being abandoned or being surrendered from bad situations, will most likely be rehomed, if not taken in by someone on staff. 

We offer tours of the facility, as well as tours of the local habitat. These are both guided either by myself or another staff member with a capable team, just in case. Public areas are clearly marked with signs, same with warning signs for any areas that might be dangerous, and areas closed to the public. We also host a couple of events every season that serve to raise awareness of our work, Pokemon care, Pokemon wellbeing, etc for the public. 

—————

Who are you sending your questions to?

Professor Arthur Laurel! That’s me- you can call me Arthur if you want, I’m not big on formalities. I’ve talked about myself already, but I’m the person who will be receiving and answering all of your questions.

I have a smaller team of Pokemon from my trainer days, and all three of them are my trusted partners and some of my very best friends.

Cloudhopper - My Dragonite. She’s been with me the longest and is my partner, gifted to me as a starter as a Dratini when I was going to set out on my Gym Challenge. She’s also a certified service Pokemon, as well as a flying Ride Pokemon. Known for being very protective, usually the one to get me out of trouble, but also very sweet and loving. She does have a wicked sense of humour, though, watch out for if she feels mischievous.

Honeybite - My Appletun. He’s larger than the average Appletun, standing at over 3 feet tall, and known for being the sweetest cuddles there ever was. He’s been with me nearly as long as Cloudhopper. Honeybite’s famous for his cuddles, but don’t underestimate him for his sweet face, he’s quite the little powerhouse when he wants to be, but luckily for us he chooses peace.

Sweetbug - My Vespiquen. She was the last addition to my team, but it’s still been a good decade of having her by my side. She’s a mother hen type between myself and her Combee hive, with a fierce protective streak that has us keeping her hive closed to the public. She often offers honey as a gift to those she cares about, so you can always tell someone’s having a good day when they’ve got a little jar of honey that they didn’t get from me.

—————

Where are we and how can you find us?

Shiverwood is a bit of an exaggeration for a name- we’re located just north of Ballonlea, near the mountains surrounding Wyndon. We’re just north of being hot and humid, and just south of being freezing, so we have some cooler weather for most of the year, although summers can get quite hot. There are designated paths through the thick forest outside of Ballonlea that lead to us, so finding your way isn’t too difficult, but for those who don’t want to travel on foot we can also be reached through Corviknight Taxi and easily spotted from the sky on a flying service Pokemon. We don’t have any water access, the only body of water being a nearby lake, as well as no train access. Walking/riding or flight are the only ways to reach us. 

We’re in this area on the standard Galar map.

—————

What kind of facilities do we have?

MAIN LAB - This is the largest building, it’s the main research facility and where you’ll find me if I’m not cooped up in my lab or out in the field. It also contains a smaller medical facility equipped for minor injuries for both people and Pokemon. Mostly open to the public.

LAUREL’S LAB - Within the Main Lab building. I keep it open to the public for the most part, just know that it’s a mess most of the time, because I believe in organized chaos. My team can be interacted with here if they’re in the mood for it, so if you’ve ever wanted to hug a Dragonite, now’s your chance. 

POKEMON CENTER - It’s not an official Pokemon Center, but we call it one because it’s easier. It’s equipped to handle anything from massive medical emergencies to permanent and semi-permanent residents who require more care. Also equipped for human care. We often offer supervised positions to learning medical students so that they can gain experience under the watchful eyes of our doctors. Some of it is open to the public, but the rooms are restricted to trainer and friends and family only, and surgery rooms are completely off limits.

ZEN AREA - This is a combination of a building and a bigger outdoor area. This is where the behaviouralists care for Pokemon’s mental wellbeing- think of it like therapy for Pokemon. The outdoor area is open to the public, but inside the building only the entrance is accessible. This is because inside is where Pokemon who may be volatile or aggressive are cared for, to prevent them from escaping, or harming other patients. We call it the Zen Area because it can be very soothing, patient or not.

CONTAINMENT - Where we hold the Pokemon we’re temporarily holding for someone to come collect. This area is completely closed off to the public due to the usually very aggressive or unpredictable nature of the Pokemon who stay there. This area is meant for temporary stays- it’s a sizeable enough area of the woods right at the base of the mountain, and there’s a pond in there that’s surprisingly deep. This area can handle a wide variety of Pokemon, temporarily, but it can’t handle every single species. In those cases, we relocate them to another facility as quickly as possible.

GREENHOUSES - These are the warmest places in the facility, mostly inhabited by Grass Types, but also home to quite a few Bug Types. Open to the public and plants are available for purchase, with a wide range from leafy greens to berry saplings. The Pokemon here are tamed, and can be adopted. There is one that’s closed off to the public due to the Combee hive in there, but the honey can be bought!

TRAINING FIELD - Most of us are trainers, so we have a standard battlefield set up for battling! It isn’t equipped for Dynamaxing or Gigantamaxing, but that isn’t a worry since we don’t have the means to do so in this area. Trainers are welcome to use the field for practice, and to see if any staff would like to battle with them. I’m usually up for a good battle unless I’m busy (or recovering from something), and it’s great fun to spectate during your breaks!

MIRROR LAKE - Named after the Giant’s Mirror, Mirror Lake hosts numerous Water Types that prefer the colder waters. We have a Lapras who lives there and she’s very friendly, though she’s never been captured and we don’t allow the public to ride on her. She picks and chooses on the staff who she’ll allow to ride on her back and if you try to force it, she throws you into the water. We have other trained ride Pokemon for water rides, and the shallows can be nice to dip your feet in during the hotter summer, though the water never gets above chilly temperatures.

SHIVERWOOD FOREST - Likely named during the colder winter, Shiverwood is the forest we’re built on the edge of. It’s technically still the Glimwood Tangle, but we have stronger wild Pokemon around, as well as some other species you won’t find south of Ballonlea. There are trail tours, but we generally advise not wandering into the dense forest, as it’s very easy to get lost. You’ll often be able to see the wild Sylveon and Umbreon packs, as well as some Deerling and Sawsbuck herds, lots of Impidimps and a few Morgrems and Grimmsnarls, and plenty of Zubats. If you’re lucky, you might spot a Trevenant! 

MOUNTAIN TRAILS - We have several mountain trails to hike on if you don’t mind the chillier weather up there. Most of the caves have danger signs posted in front of them and we often have staff posted near them, but several caves are open and free to explore! We have a Gigalith who lives deep in the caves who comes out every once in a while and is a real sight to behold, and higher up the mountain for more experienced climbers, you may get to see a very friendly Froslass. Other than that you can expect to find Geodudes, Gravellers and Golems, more Zubats, Roggenrolas and Boldores, and most common Rock Types. If you’re very lucky in the winter, and if you’re patient and brave enough to climb up to see the Froslass, you might just see an Aurorus if you wait around long enough. She’s very elusive, but breathtaking to see. Just don’t get on the wrong side of any Abomasnow or Beartics you see up there- keep to the trails and don’t go without staff. 

—————

You said events?

I did! We host a couple of events every season, raising awareness for our work and for Pokemon in need to the public. The events we host are all free and are open for everyone, and we always put out plenty of notice and signs so everyone knows!

SPRING

Shiverwood Trek - Every year, early in the spring, we put on the annual hike where everyone who shows up early in the morning joins us for a hike through the forest! We do Pokemonspotting throughout, and this is usually the time where you get to interact with a lot of wild Pokemon and see the sights that Shiverwood has to offer. This is also the only event where we go off the trails- since the foliage won’t have fully come in, it’s much easier to get through, so we always explore “new” (we explore before taking random people in for safety reasons) areas. Afterwards, there’s a lunch and then we offer the usual guided tours. I usually lead this one!

Wake-Up Call - A lot of Pokemon come out of hibernation in the spring, and after sleeping for so long, they’re quite hungry! Come on down and make up baskets of food grown here in the Greenhouses, and join us in going through the forest and setting baskets around for anyone who might need it. You’ll often get to see sleepy Pokemon stumbling around, and let me tell you, you haven’t lived till you’ve seen a sleepy Greedent fall asleep eating the basket it found.

SUMMER

Summer Barbecue Bash!! - Just what it says it is! It’s a massive barbecue party we hold from early afternoon to late into the night every summer. We team up with Kabu and other Fire Type experts to bring in Fire Types to help with the cooking, as well as putting on shows of them displaying their talents and powers. It’s a lot of fun, just remember to bring sunscreen! 

Scavenger Hunt - This one’s more meant for the younger ones, but we host a big scavenger hunt in the easy forest trails and the easy mountain trails for people to complete! Everybody gets a prize for finishing, but first free to finish get a bigger prize just as a bit of incentive. This usually brings out the families, a lot like the barbecue bash, and is a lot of fun to set up and help out with. Staff get to be wonderfully cryptic and unhelpful (unless it’s with the little ones- we’re a bit more helpful there) and it’s good to get out into the sun for a bit. We hold this one a couple times throughout the summer.

FALL

Fall Forage - As fall comes in, a lot of local plant life starts to wither for the colder weather. Right at the beginning, we lead people around for foraging, and anything they find they can choose to donate to us or take home for free. There’s a lot of Pokemonspotting to be had, a lot of exploring, and at the end of the day we take some of what we’ve found and we make a big community pot of soup! That’s become a tradition for the forage over the years, and it’s probably my favourite part after spending the whole day gathering plants in the chilly weather. 

Sawsbuck Sendoff - Every year in the fall, the Sawsbuck and Deerling herds that live in the area migrate towards the mountains for the winter. They come through the area in big herds, and this lasts usually 2 - 3 days. This started off as something unofficial, but the popularity of it led to us advertising it as a sendoff, where we all gather and watch the Sawsbuck and Deerling herds migrate. You can also help clearing their way with us if you want, it’s a volunteer operation and we repay you with food, but you basically just help us clear the way and set up food and water stations, plus you might see some early groups come through! Can’t go up to the herds for safety reasons, but watching them is quite beautiful, and very rewarding to see your hard work pay off when they eat the food you set out for them. 

WINTER

Into the Unknown - Named a bit dramatically, because we definitely know where we’re going, but winter’s event is cave exploring! This is the only time of year we open up some of the more restricted caves, and we take people deep into the caves to explore. We check them all out in advance, of course, to ensure safety, but this is the one and only opportunity a year to get into some of these caves and explore deeper into the mountain. This is another one I tend to lead, and it’s great fun, but it’s also got a lot of hands on deck and on standby just in case. A lot of prep goes into this one and honestly, it’s probably my favourite event to host! There’s hidden waterfalls, glittering caves, and this is the only way you’ll see some Pokemon like Noibats, Noiverns, and some elusive Ghost and Dark Types.

Winter Harvest - We do this one a few times throughout the winter. Winter Harvest is when we take what we’ve been growing in the Greenhouses and the public can come help us make food packages that we donate to Pokemon shelters, and to families in need. This one usually has a big turnout and it’s a great environment all around; just people helping each other and drinking hot chocolate. I participate every year, and help with the deliveries along with staff and volunteers. 

Besides those, we also host regular adoption events. People can come through anytime to see if they’d like to adopt any of the Pokemon we hold here, though we do have fairs on a regular basis to promote the facility’s adoption services. 

You can also find some courses here- we offer them to anybody looking to learn, no age limit (just a minimum; 16), but they can be very helpful when applying for certain lines of work. I also offer referrals and letters of recommendation as a professor, and the staff are also qualified to do the same as medical experts and behaviouralists.

—————

FAQ

Q: What kind of questions can I ask?

A: Anything and everything! I’ll always answer to the best of my ability, be it behaviour, medical, or just you wanting my thoughts on a certain species or concept. I’ll always be sure to be clear when my answers are uncertain, theoretical, or if I just don’t know. But anything you want to ask, ask away!

Q: Can I come to you for medical advice?

A: Within the Pokemon world? Absolutely! If you’re looking for real-life medical advice from the author of this blog, who is an arts student who works part-time retail, you are not going to find anything helpful!

Q: Why is my question taking a while to get answered?

A: I (both myself and Arthur) get very busy! I check this blog whenever I can, but I don’t always answer right away because my answers require time for me to sit down and think it out. I answer every ask I receive (unless it’s really weirdly personal or if there’s clearly something really bad about it- then it’ll be deleted) and I do so as quickly as I can, but I pride myself on quality answers, so it might take me a bit!

Q: Do you hand out starter Pokemon?

A: Not in the way you think! We do adopt Pokemon out, but we’re not like, say Professor Oak. Adopting a Pokemon out here, even to a child, involves a screening process of the adopter (anyone over 18 and if younger than 18, their legal guardian(s)), and a lot of paperwork. We have to make sure everything is going to work out, after all! But we don’t just hand a new trainer a Pokemon, no.

Q: Can I leave my Pokemon there for a short while?

A: Absolutely! We don’t have a designated daycare area, but we will ensure your Pokemon gets the best care and stays in the area best suited to them. Feel free to leave them with us, but we do ask that it not be long, so try to come get them within 10 days unless you give us notice it will be a longer period. While you’re away, your Pokemon will be allowed to roam (with supervision) in any area that best suits it, and I’ll personally assure you that staff are more than happy to keep our Pokemon guests company, haha :)

A proposal for the fluff prompt,,, I would Weep™️

So this is gonna sound really weird but ive literally never written established relationship before it was so much fun!! the boys, if they were together, would be lovey-dovey goofballs. :”””D enjoy!

“You ready, Shane?” Ryan asked, coming out to the living room. The two were gettng ready to film an episode of weird wonderful world. Ryan saw Shane waiting for him in the living room and gasped. “Woah, you look...” He looked Shane up and down. His boyfriend was wearing a white button-up with patterned navy blue pants. He had a jean jacket over the button-up. Shane looked good. “...Wow.” Was the only thing that came out of Ryan’s mouth.

Shane laughed. “Is that all you’re gonna say?”

Ryan giggled along with him. “Well, yeah, you usually don’t wear stuff like this.” Okay, that was kinda an exaggeration. But usually Shane would wear something more casual than this during filming. Shane and Ryan had been spending the entire day inside, watching movies and playing board games. They had all day to get ready, and he’d even seen Shane planning his outfit about two hours before he had to leave. 

“I think it looks good.” Shane said goofily, smiling to himself and making Ryan laugh even more. 

“You look look amazing, hon.” Ryan smiled, going on his tip-toes to kiss Shane on the cheek, making his tall counterpart’s smile grow even wider. His boyfriend was such a fucking dork.

The two boys got into the car, Shane immediately sliding in the front seat, a sunny smile on his face. 

“What’s got you so happy?” Ryan asked.

Shane shrugged. “It’s a nice day outside.”

It was a nice day outside. Shane and Ryan never got tired of the sunny streets of LA (okay, Shane did sometimes, but they went to Chicago for most holidays, so he didn’t get to complain) and it was a lovely day in August. The sun was out, kids were playing, people were laughing, and it reminded Ryan of why he loved this city so very much. 

As they drove, they smiled as the sun started to set. “When’s the crew gonna get to the set?” Ryan asked, staring at the scenery outside. 

“They’re gonna be a little late, Ry-guy, so I decided to go out to dinner first.” Shane said. “That alright?”

Ryan frowned. “Late? Why?”

“Brittany texted me a couple hours before we had to leave, she, uh, she said that a couple of the cameras stopped working.”

“What?!” Ryan exclaimed. 

“Yeah, crazy, right? They just stopped, all in like, the same night.”

“Maybe there’s something wrong with the camera brand... or some shit,” Ryan muttered to himself. He was fairly happy with dinner, though. Dinner sounded lovely. “Is this why you took the time to pick out your outfit, fucker?” He asked Shane teasingly.

Shane snorted. “You saw me do that?” He hesitated, “Maybe...” 

Ryan giggled. “You’re such a sap, you know that, big guy?”

“Only for you, babeyyy!” Shane exclaimed, then he launched into song, “I been cheated by you since I don’t know when!”

“Nope, Shane, no, we are not singing Mamma Mia right now-” Ryan tried to cut him off, but Shane continued, of course.

“So I’ve made up my mind, it must come to an end!” The Mamma Mia soundtrack was special to both Ryan and Shane. It was kind of their anthem when Shane was there for Ryan after a horrible breakup, and then the breakup after that. Singing the songs terribly while dancing around a dimly lit room was one of the steps to realizing that they were in love with each other all along. So as much as Shane does sing it, Ryan can never get sick of it. 

Ryan stuck through Shane’s horrible rendition of “mamma mia” all the way to a restaurant beside a beach. It was a place that the two of them had never been together, however they were both familiar with the place. It was minimalistic and atmospheric, and it had bitchin burgers.

When they were both seated and had both ordered burgers, Ryan caught Shane staring at him with what their fans loved to call “heart eyes”. As he always did, Ryan smiled bashfully under Shane’s gaze. Shane always had an effect on him, even after dating for two and a half years. Shane always made him blush, giggle and swoon like a highschool girl. And he knew it was the same for Shane. “What’re you lookin’ at,” Ryan snorted, flushing more under Shane’s stare.

Shane sighed. “Even before we started dating I always wanted to take you here.” Holy shit, what was up with Shane and being a sap today? He told Shane as much. Shane just took Ryan’s hand in his and said, “Just love you, is all.” Ryan was surprised. Shane wasn’t the kind of guy to be gushy and lovey-dovey. He more loved to show people that he loved them, without really telling them so. This was different.

Ryan smiled. “I love you too, Shane.” He squeezed his hand tightly.

Shane and Ryan got into their normal banter over dinner, almost getting louder than the families with children with their usual arguments and bits. They were laughing and giggling the entire time, though, and once again Ryan was reminded why he loved Shane Madej so gosh-darn much. From day one, since filming unsolved, Shane was always Ryan’s best friend. There was no separating them. And then, years ago, with the creation of Watcher, and working every day beside him, Ryan rarely got sick of him. If anything, it helped him realize his feelings even sooner.

After paying the check and getting up from their seats, Ryan asked, “The crew ready, Shane?”

Shane checked his phone, and, after a moment, shook his head. “They’re getting in the car. On their way over. Wanna take a little stroll on the beach?”

Ryan smiled. “Always.” This beach in particular reminded him of their first kiss.

___

“Shane!” Ryan caught up to Shane, bare feet slipping in the sand. It was nearly midnight, and the boys had finished filming season 7 of Unsolved Supernatural. After drinks, Shane suggested eating snacks on the beach. Only problem is, they had forgotten snacks. So they decided to run around like children and play games instead. Ryan panted, hands on his knees as he finally caught up. “I can’t keep up with your stupid long legs,” He wheezed.

Shane laughed. “One of the perks of being six foot four.” Ryan whacked him playfully on the arm.

Suddenly, Ryan noticed the moon, full, bright, and beautiful. He stopped to stare at it. “The moon is beautiful tonight,” He muttered, admiring the sight.

“Yeah,” He heard Shane say beside him. “Gorgeous.” Ryan glanced over at Shane, and his smile fell when he realized that Shane wasn’t looking at the moon.

He was looking at him.

“Shane,” He whispered, as if his name was something secret. Their relationship had taken a turn, recently. The stares had been longer, the touches had lingered, the smiles had been wider. It was unspoken. But now, Shane had spoken it.

Shane wrapped his arms around Ryan’s waist. Shane bent down a little, and Ryan went on his tip-toes. They gravitated towards each other. 

Shane kissed Ryan like he was the most precious gift in the entire world.

___

Ryan smiled dreamily at the memory. It gave him butterflies in his stomach to this day, years later. “Remember that night when we played games in the sand? On this beach?” He asked Shane. The sun was nearly setting, just touching the horizon of glittering water. Not many people were around this part of the beach. It felt like a secret, just for Shane and Ryan.

“Yeah,” Shane replied. “That was a good day.” The two were silent for a moment, before Shane said something. “Ryan?”

Ryan laughed. Shane’s voice sounded serious. Probably a bit, Ryan assumed. “Yeah, big guy?”

“Can I ask you something?” The taller pulled Ryan close to his chest.

“Sure, shoot.” The latter giggled. 

And it was like a movie.

Shane suddenly dropped to a knee. Ryan gasped, laughing all the way. There was no way this was happening. This had to be a bit; this had to be a joke.

And then he saw Shane getting something out of his pocket. “Shane,” Ryan tried, choking up.

“Ryan,” Shane held up a black velvet box. “You are my best friend. To the moment we started being friends, to the moment I fell head over ass in love with you, to now, I’ve realized that I always want you in my life. I always want you by my side.” Shane sniffled a little himself, wiping his eye with a finger, before continuing, “You are… an angel, Ryan Bergara. I know I don’t, uh, believe in that stuff, but sometimes I’ve seriously questioned if the guy upstairs sent me an angel… to… protect me, and whatnot.” They both laughed teary laughs. “I’m not one for saying my emotions out loud, and whatnot, but… I am so in love with you, Ryan. And I think we’re destined, if that even exists, to be together for the rest of our lives. So, Ryan Bergara,” He opened the box to reveal a beautiful silver ring, “Will you make me the luckiest, happiest man on the world, and marry me?”

Of course, by that point, Ryan was in tears, trying to stiffle his sobs. “Yes, fucking,” He sniffled, “Yes, Shane. I love you, yes, yes,” And as he rushed in to hug his partner, he heard a round of applause from behind him. He turned to see, of course, the fucking crew. Brittany, TJ, Andrew, Steven, Mark, everyone, all with cameras. “Wha-? Were you all in this?” Ryan asked, wiping his tears.

The crew all nodded, laughing, cheering and whooping. “Shane and I have been trying to put this together for months.” Steven spoke up, smiling.

“Months?” Ryan’s voice went up, like, five octaves. “Shane…” And, of course, being the emotional guy he was, burst into tears again and ran into Shane’s arms, earning an awww from the crew. Ryan and Shane shared a romantic kiss, and Shane slipped the ring onto Ryan’s finger.

“I love you, angel,” Shane whispered into Ryan’s ear, only for him to hear, and Ryan doesn’t think he’s ever been more happy. This is it. This is the best day of his life.

“I love you, Shane. Forever and ever. We took an oath.”

(Later, the video was posted on the Watcher channel, titled, “How I Proposed to Ryan”. Fans, of course, went fucking crazy. Ryan wouldn’t have anything any other way.)

What are your opinions about Jungle cubs? I loved that show as a kid!

hi hello!! thank u for humoring me!! i love getting asks about the stuff im currently obsessed with that nobody really cares about, it makes me feel valid! also i dont have well constructed opinions, i just have a very messy, manic head so i just babble all my thoughts. for that i am sorry 

im not gonna say jungle cubs is the best damn cartoon to hit the tv and maybe its just my own biased love speaking when i call it a good show but it means a lot to me personally. it brought me comfort as a little kid, i came back to it as a teen when i was feeling very alone and came back to it again as an adult just cuz of my recent love of baloo and talespin and needing something to keep me upbeat during the quarantine. 

and ive watched quite a few cartoons i loved as a kid that i dont really vibe with anymore. i tried rewatching gummi bears. its not my thing. but jungle cubs is?? really good?? its just so charming to watch. i love the expressive animation, i love the smooth flowing dialogue, i love the playful and naive tone it has of just a bunch of kids being kids, i love the depiction of these characters, i love the performance of the voice actors, i love the layers it adds to the original film. layers that were never intended to be in there in the first place but isnt that just the beauty of interpretation and ones own imagination. 

its such a formulaic concept isnt it. to take a classic show/movie and make its protagonists babies for a spinoff. but i dunno, i always got the feeling that whoever was the backbone of this story actually cared about the characters they were writing and took a sincere approach to it. 

they thought in-depth about how to devolve them from their current personalities in a realistic way and what aspects of themselves are so core to their being that they would have been ingrained since childhood. the cubs feel pretty three-dimensional and considering theyre cash grab spinoff babies, that is an amazing feat.

but also, i love it for the very very very simple reason of its really adorable. bagheera especially. to see such a stoic and levelheaded character in his earliest stage as a child just Hits for me. cub bagheera is clever, hes cautious, hes a little stuck-up, all traits he has in the movie. hes also not the best hunter, doesnt know how to roar yet, is a little cowardly, sorta awkward at times and is often trying to prove that hes the best even though hes aware that he is nowhere near the best.

like its easy to believe the kind of person he grows up to be but at the same time, its really interesting to see the more childish aspects of himself that he eventually matured past. and hes adorable dude! baby bagheera voiced by EG Daily is the sweetest goddamn thing, i love him so much 

also shere khan who is a fuckin doozy. hes very interesting in this too. everything about his attitude is reminiscent of a preteen who says mean things to you on voice chat while playing overwatch but if you tell him you’re gonna call the police on him, he starts panicking. thats shere khan’s vibe, a real edgy little tiger who thinks hes hot shit cuz he probably caught something bigger than a mouse like one time and its gone to his head. 

hes constantly stalking around, subtly bragging about what a natural predator he is. but at the same time, he’s still around?? hes still hanging around with the other cubs cuz hes ALSO a cub and likes to play around with other kids his age. and he fucking loves his friends. the amount of times he’s scared off bigger animals who were about to harm them. and its really sweet cuz they like him too. while his attitude is definitely annoying sometimes, they still consider him their friend and enjoy his company. its just wholesome. 

plus hes also pretty vulnerable as hes a cub. he doesnt stand a chance when they come across a grown animal as a threat. he gets scared just like the rest of them, hes just so arrogant that he never admits it. 

in fact the appeal of the show in general to me, is the vulnerabilities of all the characters that comes with being in their most immature state. they dont know any better when it comes to stuff. this show is real dumbass hours 

EVERYTHING about baloo is just great. he does not change even slightly. he is exactly the same except hes little and his voice hasnt broke yet. his child voice is amazingly fitting also.

i mean i guess one thing that differentiates him is adult baloo had some semblance of a philosophy. he was wise....in a way. baby baloo does not know shit about shit. he does not think. he just vibes, okay?? i love him mwah

i dont have much to say about the others but i DO like this interpretation of them more than their adult selves. it also just feels bittersweet that they grew up to be such dicks. Haithi is lovely, i love that hes just out here TRYING to be a colonel but he lacks the authority that comes with being a grown elephant and he doesnt have the self confidence to command anybody yet. he is simply babey.

 louie is a very cute little dude, i love him and baloo as just an idiot squad. he also has a very good voice

kaa.....i dont trust. on one hand, hes very sweet as a child but on the OTHER HAND he grows up to be the creepiest fucking creation disney has ever put in a movie so that snake will always rub me the wrong way even when im trying to like him. 

also ONE THING thats driving me crazy about this show is like. it has the best depiction of pre-adolescent boys that i have ever seen in a cartoon ever. just the way they behave. theyre sweethearts one minute, extremely mean the next minute, going from building eachother up to lightly bullying eachother, lots of unprovoked play fighting, laughing over dumb shit, rude to strangers for no goddamn reason, theres just a lot. 

it fuckin knocked me back like 15 years cuz it reminded me so much of kids i used to play with. and these arent even human children whose brain development is documented, these are animals, this show had no business being this spot-on.

i dont like season 2. it has a few gems here and there that i get a kick out of. but as a whole, its really disappointing. since the show swapped production companies, they seemed to uproot it completely and start from scratch. and its kinda sad cuz i think they were TRYING to do something poignant when it came to a future narrative but it just didnt land. firstly there was a huge animation downgrade and looking at the two season in comparison is kinda depressing. 

also they redesigned the characters, some looked worse than others. baloo looked fine but i still preferred his og look. bagheera....was the worst. rip bagheera. 

they all underwent a huge personality change. and not in the way that showed subtle maturity, i mean a vapid exaggeration of their original personality. the only characters who were left relatively alone in this regard were baloo and kaa. and i dont mind gradually changing a character since there IS an adult version of them that they should be growing into. but the season 2 depictions are literally the furthest things from their adult selves that its unbelievable.

 another pet peeve is they changed a few of the voice actors and.....i love these season 2 voice actors in other work theyve done. dee bradley baker and cree summer specifically who are both very talented people. but they did not fit these roles in the slightest. (not to mention having cree summer play an APE and suddenly having her do a LOT of monkey noises that the previous va never had to do. im not gonna get into all that BUT hmm.) and if youre gonna recast the characters to make them sound “older” as least make them sound somewhat similar to the jungle book actors, so you can picture them eventually growing into those voices. 

also the tone shifted so much between seasons. the way they tried to make this jungle more of a “society” with shit like talent shows and sports games and celebrities and like fuckin. STOP. theyre animals. just let them be animals. along with that the writing just feels really off and its just. not fun. i dont like it 

and as i mentioned, they WERE trying to do something here. the fact that the cubs didnt hang out with eachother as much and were starting to drift apart is kinda sad and wouldve liked it see it handled a little better. but instead i got season 2, which was stupid. and im 21 and im petty. 

anyway i am very sorry that ended so negatively and im very sorry that rant was completely all over the place i have no sense of proper organization i just wanted to gush about what i love. but on a positive note i love jungle cubs!! its very dear to my heart and makes me very happy and i wish it had gotten more episodes

helo guys i listened to the yokai watch boss music on my FINALLY ACTUALLY WORKING headphones and my entire soul just melted into infinate graham crackers okay bye

fuckin hell i hope this is the one that plays when you fight maddiman HOLY SHIT

jesus christ its like an entire haunted house is fighting you, please please tell me someone somewhere has drawn this man shredding it out on an equally frankenstein guitar while his minions do a synchronized dance in the background

OH FUCK EVEN THE MINIONS GET A RAD DAMN THEME

what counts as a miniboss does maddiman get THIS one please someone tell me what song all my faves get in this FUCKIN JAMMIN SOUNDTRACK

actually AAA i shouldnt spoil myself GAHHHH dammit

....okay i spoiled myself but i skipped JUST to the gameplay part of a lets play and JUST to hear the music and okay I CAN CONFIRM that maddiman gets the Sweet Guitar Riffs version okay my life is complete now

also apparantly he’s a really fuckin good boss?? he’s a spam healer?? he fuckin uses the exact tactic players use to cheese the elite four in pokemon! damn hell yeah we need more creative white mage villain battles in the world! but i cut off right before ‘okay here’s how you beat his strategy’ like NO i want to GET MY ASS KICKED okay he deserves a few victories in life

also i may or may not have browsed around lets plays until i found one where the lper agreed that he is good and deserves hugs, yes

guys

GUYS

GUYS

i was fuckin stupid

i spoiled myself for

final boss theme

i have no fuckin clue who this dude is

i only even know he’s a dude cos ive seen people draw fanart of him and maddiman hanging out so apparantly theyre on the same villain team?

but YO FUCKIN HELL i feel like i have an absolute sense of his personality from the fuckin EIGHTY DIFFERENT CLEARLY DISTINCT BANGERS that just exploded into my earlobes

this is that ‘no face journeys’ meme in audio form

like fuckin shit it is no exaggeration to say that this is THE BEST final boss theme i have ever heard in my entire fucking life

this beats out anything in any smt game, champion cynthia AND goddamn sonic colours! SONIC COLOURS!!!! fuckin hell it even beats the default battle music in shadow hearts 3 which always frustrated me that it wasnt the final boss dammit

like holy CHRIST whoever the fuck you are dude i am sure you are very fuckin intimidating and possibly have some sort of form change

why is this so GENUINELY SCARY in my cute monsters jokey game????

WHY AM I ALREADY CRYING WITH EMOTION AT THE DRAMATIC TRIUMPHANT RIFF BIT WITH THE REPRISE OF THE RECURRING THEME OF THE DEFAULT BATTLE SONG LIKE HOLY FUCKKKKKK it just dropped again excuse me i have to WEEP OPENLY at imagining my FIRE FORGED TEAM OF GOOFY BUDDIES kicking the ass of SOME KIND OF SCARY BIG DUDE PROBABLY who PROBABLY also did some kind of bad thing DAMN I DONT EVEN KNOW WHAT THE PLOT IS BUT I KNOW THE STAKES ARE FUCKIN HIGHER THAN WHEN YOU SHOT YOURSELF AS A HUMAN BULLET TO FIGHT THE SUN IN DIGITAL DEVIL SAGA

im weeping why cant i unlock playable maddiman to take to this INCREDIBLY HYPE BATTLE like yo plz man. ive seen fuckin hacks to do it, god im gonna find some damn way! like yes he’s COMPLETELY UNUSEABLE even if you hack him in but i just want his t posing model floating in the corner to join me in my moment of triumph over WHOEVER THE FUCK THE VILLAIN IS

I AM SO ANGRY AT HIM. WHOEVER HE IS.

GOD DAMN WHAT A BANGER aaaAAAAAAOOOOOOOOOOO

My first jrpg: Phantasy Star IV

This is the amazingly spectacular cover the amazing megadrive/genesis rpg, Phantasy Star IV. I believe it retailed new in the neighborhood of 100$, maybe a bit less. I think Chrono Trigger was 70$, maybe more.  I never got to buy Phantasy Star IV so it had to be rented from our old Blockbuster. Of course if I hadn’t seen the sprawing, multi-page long review/mini walkthrough of the first part of the game in an issue of Gamefan that I got for Christmas I never would have bothered with this game. I was young, obviously, and mostly played stuff like Sonic, Ristar, Mortal Kombat 2 and Street Fighter Super/Turbo..whatever. I really digged the genesis Aladdin game too and actually owned it. I was starting to get into anime because Sailormoon would air at 2:30 EST on Fox Kids so i would get to sneak a watch if I was sick from school, it was a holiday or we’d gotten out early. I LOVED the show even though I had no idea what was going on. I wanted more things that looked like that. So, I see PS4 in Gamefan along with all the screenshots and ingame cutscenes of characters like Zio, who reminded me of one of Queen Beryl’s lackies but also was super evil and scary looking to me. The monsters looked awesome and way more detailed than the typical badnik mooks I spent my weekends bopping to release cute little flickies. So, its friday during June, I think I’d just gotten out of school and mom took me to Blockbuster. I searched the shelves for Phantasy Star IV and couldn’t find it so I asked mom for help. When I was really little and wanted to find a game I would sometimes get her to help me search the massive shelves. Mom quickly found it and asked “Is this the game?

Yeah...I believe the Shining Force games got a similar treatment at least on the sega genesis. For the record I don’t hate western style fantasy art and love collecting musty old AD&D books for the art and like Warhammer but yea..as a kid that cover art made nauseous. Its not quite Megaman 2 nes bad but its just so....WRONG. At least they still kept Chaz’s original color scheme and design I guess..but what they did to Rune was unforgivable. I won’t comment on Rika. My biggest problem with this style of art is that it makes you think Phantasy Star IV is some kind of medieval D&D inspired game. The core Phantasy Star games are best described as fantasy sci-fi, sort of like Star Wars. You have interplanetary travel, cyborgs,ecosystems controlled by AI sometimes prone to turning evil but but people fight with swords,axes and use magic. It really is a lot like Star Wars setting wise since the first planet you start on, Motavia, looks and feels a whole like Tatooine.  It was a very fun but confusing game to me. I loved the music and anime stills used for cutscenes but I would explore certain locations and BOOM the music abruptly switches to fast paced battle music and I’m now on a different screen with more detailed versions of my party facing detailed sprites of bad guys. I eventually figured out what I was suppose to do by selecting attack with everybody, but I’d see certain people would do a lot more damage when I did this. After several more battles I discovered techs/magic but the only ones I understood were those that did direct damage and made cool explosions. If I selected a spell that did something besides direct damage I just assumed it was completely worthless. Its been so long but I think the farthest I got was to Zio’s castle but I never got past the first boss and had to return the game. I rented it again a few weeks to discover my file had been written over(I think) or there was someone else’s file. I clicked that one and was confused even more because I was on this snowy planet with melancholy music and my party had different members and some were missing. I left the town and saw I had a swanky spaceship so I went back to Motavia, the first planet. I wandered around and for the life of me I could not figure out where Alys was. What happened to Zio? I played a bit more and some snooping around one town made me realize what had happened to Alys and then I just got into more random battles for fun because I had Wren the cyborg now and I thought all his moves were badass. I played a bit more but then got tired of all the aimless wandering and went outside to play. Really dating myself there... So that’s the story of my first rpg. I never did buy the game but i later discovered the wonderful world of emulation in the 7th grade and was finally able to play stuff like Chrono Trigger, Final Fantasy 4,5,6. Yes, I am one of those many Final Fantasy posers who’s first game was 7. I could exaggerate and say it was FF1 because my sister had an nes and played it but she rarely let me touch her console ever. I just knew her frustration about where to go after she got some flute. But back to the topic, I also downloaded Gens (obviously a genesis/megadrive emulator) and the first game I downloaded was....Sonic 3! THEN I downloaded Phantasy Star IV, got super far and was able to truly appreciate this wonderful and mostly forgotten jrpg. But..I didn't beat it. I got to sky castle, to the ::SPOILERS:: fight against a certain someone from PS1 and my game would always freeze when I was about to defeat him. I fruitlessly searched for a solution to my problem but alas I could never find a method to bypass the bug.  We have way better emulators now and PS4 has been ported to steam and other consoles, always bundled together with other classic genesis games such as Shining Force 1 and 2, Landstalker, Streets of Rage etc. I’m going to beat PS4 one day, probably very soon. I have played and beaten so many rpgs, both western and Japanese(mostly Japanese) and they are my favorite genre of video game by far.  So, thanks Phantasy Star IV, for introducing me to rpgs and making me into the lifelong weeb scum I am today.

This is my list of the best media that I consumed for the first time (but was probably not published) in 2016.

Books

I read 128 books in 2016 and, unusually for me, almost all of them were new. It was also, independently, a great reading year. As such, this list is particularly long.

Imperial Radch series by Ann Leckie. This was as good as the hype, but not always for the reasons I was lead to expect; the genre and setting is far-future space opera, but plot and investment are character-driven, and it was the ancillary experience and Lieutenant Tisarwat's violet eyes that really kept me engaged. This series is satisfying on the levels I value most.

Steerswoman series by Rosemary Kirstein. This isn't the first fantasy-which-is-actually-sci-fi genre crossover I've encountered, but it's by far the best. The genre-bending is fundamental to the narrative, but also to the protagonist’s PoV, as she uses and creates the scientific method, applying it to a reality which exceeds her comprehension--and which bleeds over into plot twists which exceed the reader’s expectations. I haven’t been this impressed by a book series in a long time.

Dreamsnake by Vonda N. McIntyre. Something like a sibling to the Steerswoman books, with a similar worldbuilding premise but a smaller focus--it's less about redefining knowledge of the world, and more about fostering knowledge in order to improve life on the local, private scale. It’s soothing and valuable.

Witcher series by Andrzej Sapkowski. In particular, Blood of Elves--but this series entire lives on this list because of Ciri. The Witcher franchise is problematic, from its sexism-as-worldbuilding to its flawed balance of politics to plot. But while I rarely become attached to book characters, I am inordinately attached to Ciri, and to her family and those motivated by her. She's central. The books forget, sometimes, that that’s all I care about (and the games sometimes forget it entirely), but when the pieces align to star her I am in love.

The complete works of Octavia Butler. This isn’t the year that I began reading Butler, but is the year that I read most of and finished her work. I rarely find myself in such active conversation with an author, and as much as I’ve critiqued her for her style and occasional limitations, I’m blown away by what she achieved, and by the fact that her work is so compelling and complicated, so ambitious and successful in precisely the ways that matter.

The Goblin Emperor by Katherine Addison (Sarah Monette). This is the most feel-good that a novel has been while still leaving an impression on me--because it’s not frivolous or simplistic, but rather is about the stubborn effort to do good creating real good in the world: a particularly cathartic, empowering variety of wish-fulfillment

Hild by Nicola Griffith. This is half a story, and a laboriously intimate one at that--a gradual coming of age, dealing with issues of gender and faith and identity, the private and political; it took me a little to warm into it, but having done so I loved it--Hild’s PoV is incredibly immersive.

The Sorcerer of the Wildeeps by Kai Ashante Wilson. What an experience! This is yet another SF/F mashup (it was a good year for those), but this is a particularly tropey one brought alive by the vivid and powerful use of dialect. This is a novella that feels bigger than that, that feels more distinct and dynamic than its page count.

Every Heart a Doorway by Seanan McGuire. I don't think the plot in this was entirely successful--but I love the premise so unreservedly as to recommend it on that basis alone. This is portal fantasy meta, looking at the afters and in-betweens of those who visit other worlds (and paralleling the reader experience of existing within/without fantasy), conjuring a bittersweet longing unlike anything I've experienced. I've always loved this genre, but didn't have a framework for my feelings about it until reading this book and:

Fairyland series by Catherynne M. Valente. I am of mixed opinions of this work, too. I love the first book beyond reason, but I don't know what the series as a whole lives up to it--the travelogue aspects grow stylistically repetitive, and on a technical level these come to feel rushed. But all the books have something charming to offer, and there's something sincerely valuable about the relationship between September, Halloween, Maud, Mallow, and the Marquess. Their dynamic is subtextual and complicated, and in ongoing conversation about portal fantasy, identity, and self-determination.

Silently and Very Fast by Catherynne M. Valente. My favorite of Valente's novella so far. I'm surprised by how well her mythological and fairy tale imagery builds upon an AI premise, and by how concrete the AI is. There's a lot of depth in this little space, and it's particularly evocative, even for Valente.

Honorable mentions in books

Alphabet of Thorn by Patricia A. McKillip. This isn't the best or most important McKillip, but I love its tropes to pieces (especially the way that the interpersonal dramas resolve) and it’s probably my favorite of the McKillip novels I've read so far.

The Pattern Scars by Caitlin Sweet. I was sincerely impressed by this book, by its intimately-integrated magic system and the unforgiving, unsettling complexity of the interpersonal dynamics.

Multiple novels by CJ Cherryh. I'm continuing to read a lot of Cherryh, and I've yet to be disappointed by any of her work; her combination of deceptively terse writing style, intimate relationship dynamics, and worldbuilding concepts consistently hits on tropes that I adore.

Black Iris by Leah Raeder (Elliot Wake). New Adult isn't a genre I thought I would ever care about, but I care a lot about Wake's contributions to it, and Black Iris is the novel which has spoken to me strongest so far because its angry, intimate depiction of mental illness is cathartic and sincere while meshing well with the heightened passions which are a marker of the genre.

Video Games

Neko Atsume. I came late to this bandwagon, but it was worth the wait; what a charming, pure experience, and somehow even cuter than I expected. There's not really a lot to say about Neko Atsume, but I love it.

Deemo. Far and above the best rhythm game I've ever played, in song quality, aesthetic, narrative, and gameplay--the latter in particular is so natural, genuinely like playing a piano. I love this game to pieces and listen to the soundtrack all the time, yet I've never heard anyone talk about it. Please give it a try.

Overwatch. Is this art, no; but I have been playing 90min/day since launch, so that's something. I appreciate the changes Overwatch has brought to the genre and the active role Blizzard has taken in expanding and balancing it. It wouldn't be my pick for game of the year, but it’s important enough to earn that.

Pokémon Moon. This, frankly, would be my pick for game of the year. It benefits from the engine development of Gen VI, while continuing the narrative trends from Gen V--it looks fantastic, the UI and battle mechanics are great, but most importantly I cried three (three!) times while playing SuMo. The narrative has leveled up, the character development is phenomenal, and I treasure it.

Stardew Valley. This is a love letter to the farming and life simulator games that it draws from, and it almost exceeds them--I admire the depth and refinement of this game, and it's such a satisfying, soothing experience, exactly as it's meant to be.

Dark Souls III. The micro-level of this release, the cinder construct, isn't my series favorite, although I love the characters in this game; but on the macro-level, drawing the cycles of each installment together and to a close, Dark Souls III is incredibly fulfilling. I also appreciate the reintroduction of more varied enemy types and refinements to the combat system.

Honorable mentions in video games

Deus Ex: Mankind Divided. This is as beautiful as I wanted it to be, but not quite as weird as it needed to be--I miss the push-pull of the body horror in Human Revolution. But what a fantastic graphic engine, and the characters and plotting live up to series standard.

Visual Media

Critical Role. This monster of a show has without exaggeration been a life-changer. It's a huge investment of time and such an unassuming medium, but the payoff is intense. The live creative process has an innate energy, and the cast's obvious investment in character and narrative is contagious. It ate me alive this year, and I regret nothing.

Stranger Things. I wanted Stranger Things to be a smidge less neat (plotwise, especially the ending), but in all other ways adore it, from the conversation between genres to the unexpected but indulgent aesthetic to the character acting. I've rarely been so utterly consumed by a show, to the point where coming up for air between episodes made the real world feel surreal.

Jonathan Strange & Mr Norrell. I expected to like this, but was surprised by how sincerely I enjoyed it; the character archetypes combining to develop complexity and depth translates well to a miniseries, and despite TV-quality effects this is an aesthetic and speculative delight.

Black Mirror "San Junipero". I can give or take Black Mirror on the whole, but I treasure this particular episode, both because I think it's one of the better realized of the series in terms of plot delivery and because victorious WLW was balm to my soul, especially in the face of so many dead queer women in television.

Penny Dreadful. The series takes a definite downturn by the third season, but the overall experience was worth it, in part of the surprisingly robust gothic retelling, delightful aesthetic, and found family tropes, but mostly because of Vanessa Ives and Eva Green, without which this would be half a show. The intimate depiction of her vulnerability, intelligence, competency, and honesty was particularly valuable to me; this is one of the few supernatural metaphors for mental illness which I've found successful.

Star Trek: The Original Series, and movies 1-5. I grew up with every Star Trek except this one, and had a cultural impression that TOS was corny and misogynistic--and it is, a little, but it holds up much better than I was expecting and has fundamental charm and value, both as franchise starter and in its own right.

Red vs Blue. I never believed I could be so consumed by a machinima comedy series, but the humor works and the eventual scale of Red vs Blue--its convoluted plot, surprisingly well-developed characters, strong pacing, and fantastic animation--is incredible.

Honorable mentions in visual media

Cosmos: A Spacetime Odyssey. I had never watched the original Cosmos; this remake has some redundancy/direction issues in the middle but is on the whole all I wanted, vast and terrifying and beautiful, but also accessible, even personable.

Ravenous. The gayest narrative about cannibals that isn't Hannibal-related, and so delightful--and it only improves on repeat viewing, where the tonal shifts can be anticipated. Great imagery, fun acting, and such explicit cannibalism-as-metaphor violence-as-romance; it's become one of my favorite films.

The Falling. I love quiet little movies about gender, female experience, coming of age, and illness; this was my favorite of those that I watched this year (but see also: The Silenced), perhaps because it's the most convincing: an intimate, vaguely idealized, unsettling portrait of British girls's schools and  female adolescence.

Journal entry 6/6/21

Feeling lots of things, thinking lots of thoughts, remembered my idea to do journals here. id rather you didnt reblog but i cant exactly stop you either, and its not like anyone important to not see this is really on tumblr. anyways.

I hate this stupid situation with this passport- i want to go to italy, id love to be anywhere that isnt the piedmont anymore. at least anywhere that isnt the same suburb with the same roads and street signs and city design and construction where i used to see forests and fields. I want to see where my best friend grew up, im excited to see this new side and learn something new about someone so familiar to me. im excited to meet people whos language i dont speak, to just look at store signs and roads and cars that are unfamiliar without being frightening because theres someone next to me who knows what to do already. imagine me traveling and not stressing about how i need to know where i am at all times lest i get lost, or keeping track for my group of friends who is equally unfamiliar with somewhere that looks just like every north carolina town. new mountains, new people, new norms, new sounds in the morning, new sounds at night. will i miss the cicadas this summer? will it even matter?

the sad part is i dont know if my passport will get to me in time. I might have to take a day trip to vermont where i cant even explore national forests or non-chain restaurants. Ill have to walk into a passport facility without all my necessary documents and hope theyll see in the system that the fucking government still has my birth certificate. I want to go to europe. I want to get out of here so bad, but i never got my passport because things like that didn;t just happen to me.

Im not the one who gets the interesting summer trips. Always too broke, working, or i just cant justify to myself why i would just drop everything to go somewhere where i know nothing and know no one. Why that thought is so sad to me, “things that fun and cool just aren’t meant for me” 

Maybe its the insinuation that it is for other people. Does it just tie into this image i have of myself? this barely human person who just copies and mimics until people read me as one of them too? I think i really understand that artist now who makes adhd comics and draws herself with little alien antennae- i really do feel like an alien. even when I take adderol, it only really helps with the energy and executive dysfunction. Which is great!!! i love my adderoll and im so glad that i can feel a little bit more like a normal person, and im proud of myself pursuing it until i got it. But it doesn’t change that i wont ever be able to just relate to most people. Its like growing up with undiagnosed adhd created a Me and Them venn diagram, where everything that makes me who i am can never be in the center of the interlocking circles. The way i speak, how fast, how slow, how hesitant, how exuberant- i never realized how much i masked until i started talking with people whos brains worked at the same pace as mine. people who thought the strangest, unhelpful thoughts too. Im not trying to make myself special or some sort of ‘other’ in society -im a little white girl who grew up in a house with two floors and my own room, nothing was really working against me outside of myself. But having something inside of you that is unquestionably you and it just seems like youre the only one whos like this for no reason was just so hard. its kinda...harder now that i know none of it was because there was something inherently wrong with me.

sigh. this is all over the place. anyone who cares to read congrats on seeings how my brain connects thoughts in real time. i dont have aphantasia or anything but my imagination and thoughts have always been more word and language based than visual, so rather than having racing thoughts of intense images of memories my brain just produces sentences ed nauseum or whatever. Thoughts that i might not even agree with but they rile me up and pull me under anyway- if im stressed the stress just manifests as a tornado of sentences and phrases happening concurrently, like theres some sort of crowd in my head saying vaguely similar things out of time. or harsh things. or mean things. but i think thats kai’s fault. like when i was spiraling over a failing grade in chemistry in my dorm at 2am where i couldnt stop thinking that the only reason i hadnt killed myself already was because i was such a financial drain on everyone around me and i couldnt waste their money by dying. maybe theres a hint of truth in there but its so exaggerated. i havent killed myself because i want to live and experience my life as much as i experience the lives of others, but i also always feel this heavy burden of wasted money, wasted time, wasted potential, constantly stirring up my brain. 

this started with my passport, right? thats my stressor right now, and its pretty big so it bleeds into other parts of my life so easily. my therapist says i have this habit of replacing one stressor with another, and sometimes i can recognize it, but i dont think its getting replaced as much as its being amplified. Im waiting on my passport, which probably wont get here before my travel date, so ill have to fly to vermont and get one the day before i travel even though i already have one in processing. I spent $1400 on my ticket and i cant even transfer it to anyone without getting a refund or something, and i spent that much money without even knowing if i could travel. can i even get a refund? i worry about it as soon as i wake up, whenever i have a free moment to think, when im going to bed, when im playing games. when im doing anything that isnt working on getting my passport, even though i cant really do anything but call the same phone number and wait on hold for hours. but because im ‘not trying hard enough’ to get my passport, im too overwhlmed to do my laundry. to clean my room. to exercise my dog properly. im irritable. i just want to see my friends but i dont even talk about whats bothering me because im afraid to cry in front of them. im crying right now because this is the only outlet ive given myself to feel in literal months. writing always does this to me, drags me into emotions i dont realize im pushing down until the words just come out against my own will. i missed typing on my keyboard though. i missed thinking and seeing it in front of me, so i guess this is a sort of catharsis. i put some clothes in the laundry, at least. good job me. 

maybe this will all work out in the end and itll feel great. maybe ill get on a plane with my original ticket and have a fun few weeks away from everything ive always known. maybe ill set foot on a sidewalk ive never touched before! maybe ill get that tattoo. maybe things will be okay. i can focus on stuff working out too, if i try hard enough. i think im done writing now. half way through this i worked some stuff out with my friends and there are a few things that are less scary now than when i first started writing. see you next time

I don't hate you nor do I wanna say that I want nothing to do with you but we’re going down a really bad path, our communication is disgusting and this whole thing has been exhausting overall. Im just annoyed that you never bothered to look at my perspective. You said all these things about wanting to make things work and giving it your all but you literally found a mistake or issue and then you easily gave up. You’re never going to be able to move on or continue long term relationships if you act like this. Just because issues arise and you tell someone how you feel, doesn't mean its not genuine anymore. No one is a mind reader, nor does anyone enter a relationship or have a thing with someone knowing exactly what you should fucking do. It’s a learning process, where it gives both of you a chance to constanly grow and understand each other. You may unintentionally hurt someone but If you continue to do the same thing, intentionally knowing its going to hurt the person next time, that's considered disrespectful. IF I treated you the way you treated me, I promise you- I would've stopped talking to you the night you told asked me if “I go around talking dirty to a lot of guys,” or telling me that you’re a mental thot etc. when we were at cardinal. But instead, I let you know how I felt about your statement, and once I saw your reaction, I chose to move forward with the issue. But you asking “dumb questions” isn't a valid excuse for your behaviour cause you questioned MY character when I hadn't given you a reason too. “Being genuine,” has to do with doing things from the bottom of your heart or a sincere action. When you went and got an iced coffee for me after work knowing id been craving one, that was genuine and super sweet because it showed that you actually cared. When I sent that video of me at the house party, which I sent to everyone because my streaks were dying and I didn't wanna snap my face, I wasn't aware of how upset you would've been. You still hold on to that and refuse to understand that I wasn’t intentionally being disrespectful. I always used snapchat as way to communicate with you because it was much easier and even though we weren't on the best terms during that time, I tried to show you and let you know where I was. You clearly weren't happy with my actions and asked that you’d rather have received a text. I noticed that you still refuse to understand where I was coming from, and continue to state how I should've just texted you instead. But since then we've stopped talking and I don't feel the need to let you know about my whereabouts anymore. You don't even care to understand how or why I approached things and instead you continue to hold a grudge for things that occur unintentionally. But Anyways, You shouldn’t have to ask someone to cut down their “partying lifestyle,” once they’re in a relationship with you because you either end up spending more time together, you go out together and do different activities or mostly end up partying together as well. But our situation was completely different. I could understand where you’re coming from if you and I were both in Brampton and I would constantly go clubbing every weekend without you and not care to even spend time with you. But student life here is literally a shit show. You tell me how there's club events and that you can easily go w your friends back home, but you guys chose to stay home and have “movie nights.” That’s cute to hear and all, but you don't LIVE with your friends. I do. We stay up till 4 am having deep talks, we have our game nights, we stay home study together, do nothing sometimes ALL week long. All i have is literally my roommates and sometimes im all alone w no one to talk too. I literally explained how Waterloo is so fucking boring and depressing and that's why people chose to party a lot, especially because that's how the community has been set up.There are more clubs and bars here than anything else. There are people that go to Phils and Brixton every week or every other week because they’re looking for some sort of outlet. You find it odd that people go out on a school night, but “Wednesdays are for Phils,” and Thursday are brixton nights, because that's the norm in Waterloo. When I said you don't have time for clubbing, I meant to say that you have better things to do. You have your family that you get to see everyday, you can drive around to way better places, you can visit your friends and go out and you can come home to dinner set on the table for you. The reason why I hate Waterloo is because it literally reaks of sex, drugs or clubbing. Reason why I don't mind clubbing now though is because my roommates made it fun. You didn't come to Waterloo nor did you wait to see how things would settle down after September. Instead you bottled everything inside and quickly exploded and judged me as a person. I have never gone to a club and danced on a guy. Even when I was single, I would only dance on gurleen when guys would approach us. When I was talking to you, regardless of the state of mind I was in, I was aware of who I was with and always had my back covered. Im claustrophobic af so I can't be in small spaces for too long and dancing on guys has never been my thing LOL. I love dancing like a drunk uncle at a wedding w my roommates in the emptier side which is why its tolerable. That’s why I always tell you there's better things that we could’ve done in Waterloo other than going to Phils because I would be too awkward to dance w you and you’d probably get second hand embarrassment of how I dance LMAO. I’ve never gone to a club w my significant other and I think there's way better ways to spend quality time but that doesn't mean I wasn't open to doing it w you. Even in the summer, I could have touched up clubs but geenu and I went on long drives, ate at nice restaurants, went on bike rides, did Zumba every week etc. If I was that obsessed with partying, I would go that extra mile cause I could've slept over at gurleens anytime. But I don't care, Instead I chose to go the extra mile for you and even stay past 4am out of my fkn house to hang out with you the first day we actually started talking. Thats why its upsetting because I thought you actually understood how I was. You told me, you didn't like when people drunk called you, especially cause your ex would say a lot of rude shit to you. When I drunk called you, I told you how I felt about you but  with more of an exaggerated depth. I was in a room full of people, intoxicated but you were the one person I was thinking about. Even when I was sober, I would still do that. But when you told me you didn't like that, I haven't drunk called or texted you after that because I respected your decision. If you bring up an issue with me, I always try my best to see things from your perspective because Im trying to understand why you feel that way and how we can both find a solution. IF I agree with you its because I realize that you have a valid point, NOT because im trying to make you happy, cause that’s honestly really draining. You said something along the lines of how you need A good girl, lmaoooo my bad for not being good enough :) Just because someone drinks or smokes or even goes out a lot regardless of it being clubbing or wherever it doesn't make them a good or bad person. Most of the rappers you listen to are out here doing coke and hardcore drugs. How come they’re not bad people? Connor Mcgregor and Nav post pics of them w blunts in their hand. But you still look up to them?! Your friends smoke weed and probably drink, and somehow you don't see the bad in them? And don't say its because you’re not dating them because this is a topic about being a “good or bad person,”  They still play a huge role in your life and you’re constantly with them. If anything, How you treat people and what you do for people, especially those who can do nothing for you says something more about your character. I don't smoke anymore but you had the audacity to say that im not a “good girl,” because I was high at a concert LOL. It makes me laugh because when we first started talking, you were either getting drunk often or going out a lot but the funny thing is that I never judged you. In fact, I understood why you were acting the way you did. The first time you messaged me, you were drunk and high. You had a beer and went to go watch slenderman at the movie theatre. You came drunk to bowling. I easily could’ve judged you and avoided you but I know what its like to not be happy with your current reality and always look for escapes because im constantly doing that especially in Waterloo. I used to do it OFTEN w drinking and smoking but I found better people who uplifted me and eventually worked on creating better habits. If I treated you the way you treated me, I wouldn't have decided to become your friend or even think about wanting to talk to you. I understand you stopped doing those things once we became serious but when I came back to Waterloo- I was still in a bad place but eventually cut down on my bad habits as well. Your first impression wasn't good, nor would have been right of me to judge you for you’re actions cause I didn't know what you were going through. Ive come to the realization that I want someone who I can be best friends with and isn't constantly judging me or more concerned about what people have to say about me. You may have good intentions but I don't think you come off as a “good person,” if you’re constantly being self righteous and judgemental. FYI Im a simple person, and even though I don't constantly wear branded clothes or feel the need to constantly buy new shoes, doesn't mean im a fob. You being materialistic doesn't make you any better. In fact, nothing is ever gonna be good enough for you and you’re constantly going to want more and better things and you’re gonna find yourself doing that w people as well. How do you listen to J Cole and not take in what he says????? Love yourz, chaining day????  LMAO anyways, I was tired of bottling things up and thats why im letting you know how I feel. Im not trying to fix things nor am I trying to change your mind because im okay with the decision you made. It sucks cause I saw a lot of potential and thought you would be more open minded, but its okay. You're right to chose your own path and im glad you did because at least you’re focusing on yourself. You don't have to respond to my paragraph above because honestly I just wanted to get that shit off my chest. I’ve been wanting to give your jersey back cause you probably regret giving it LOL and it just gives me a constant reminder of you, but I don't appreciate how weird or how long you take to respond to someone who is making time for you. We may not be on the same level as we used to be, but it doesn't mean you can't respond within 1 business day