the way an episode make me laugh until i’m aching and then the fix walks in and just punches me in the throat with emotions

anyway have some wips-and-or-sketches

Life Updates, AuDHD, and A Mental Trainwreck

Content Warnings: Mental illness, current events, betrayal trauma, abuse, & family death.

It's time I talked about how things have been for me lately. I'm tired of hyping up all these things/projects I can't commit to, it feels like I'm making promises I can't fulfill. I get too ambitious, I get too many ideas, and even the ones I manage to see through, I just do not enjoy the writing portion.

About a year ago, my focus drifted away from Castletown Cafe. Many of you here may know what that's like to lose interest/hyperfixation on one thing and get fixated on something else, that's natural for us with autism and ADHD. We get an intense hyperfocus on a topic or project for a while only to shift to the next topic, losing interest or forgetting about the previous. I got really fixated on Pokemon Scarlet & Violet, Splatoon 3, and ACNH this past year, as well as making my own unrelated cooking projects revolving around seasonal ingredients. This fall, I got crazy ambitious for an entire fall-themed cookbook and even a Halloween one, things that obviously will take years of practice and experimentation (and need year-round work).

On top of that, however, I have not been feeling as well mentally this year. I've had less motivation to draw, and felt a stronger dislike of writing. If you have ADHD you know how hard it is to get yourself to do something you don't want to do. It's like pulling teeth. I've always had issues with executive dysfunction, and I wonder how much of it I've succumbed to this year. And while I've never been diagnosed with clinical depression, I'm wondering/concerned if I am showing signs of it like I might have been this year with my lack of motivation, my focus and drive getting worse, loss of enjoyment of things I ordinarily enjoy doing, such as drawing, feeling sad more often, and either sleeping too much or too little.

Granted the events of this fall haven't helped. We all know what's going on in the world right now. It's horrifying, it's depressing, and it's easy to feel helpless, but we all have the power to protest, to boycott, and to use social media to amplify voices of the marginalized. I have been very active on Twitter with this, but it has also been hard to enjoy my favorite times of year, the fall and Halloween, when tens of thousands are being massacred. It's no wonder I have been so depressed this fall, knowing the country we live in is siding with the colonizers and is actively funding genocide. Our tax dollars are being used to fund this and many, if not most, American brands and companies are also in favor of it.

Then, in November, I discover that an 80s band I liked is guilty of VERY inappropriate behavior toward women. One I had been listening to for the past few years. Fronted by a guy whose music I had enjoyed since childhood. I shouldn't have been so surprised, but it still broke me anyway. Another betrayal was a YouTuber who turned out to be an imposter with no thoughts or opinions of his own, only stolen from others. Yet another was a confirmation of suspicions I had toward a certain animator having NPD and being abusive, (who, to be honest, I never actually liked, just her art style and cartoons).

Oh, but that's not all! Here's where it gets really personal, but I think I really need to disclose this. On top of everything going on, I had two deaths in the family recently. One was a parent whom I didn't get along with very well, the other was my old pup Oscar. My old doggo has been easier to grieve, because he was a sweet, good boy....and honestly....he deserved a better end to his life than what he got. He was living with my father, keeping him company. My father was the parent I had a bad relationship with, and is the reason I advocate strongly for responsible and careful drinking. Because he failed to do that. He always used alcohol for self-medication, something you should NEVER do. His substance abuse got worse and worse over the years, driving him meaner and more abusive. He was never really kind to me, even if he tried to be. I never had a good relationship with my father, and honestly I know a lot of people can relate to that with one or both of their parents. A lot of us have betrayal trauma from growing up, maybe you have parents who don't love you unconditionally, or parents who never wanted to be parents, emotionally or physically abusive parents, you get the idea. Mine just so happened to be a man born and raised in a time where there was no diagnosis for his neurodivergence. He had tons of internalized ableism that he pushed onto me, and modelled horrible, angry behavior. He also had depression, but never sought help, and I believe that's due to toxic masculinity.

He can't hurt me anymore, though. I moved out of his house almost 5 years ago, and I wish it had been sooner. I'm not sure how to feel about his passing, because of how he treated me when he was alive. One thing I have been feeling though, is stress. He has left behind a house that is a disaster because he neglected to take care of it, tons of debt because he had failed to pay his bills, and no will whatsoever so inheritance is also going to be a mess to untangle. My family and I have been going back to that house to clean it, get it repaired, and figure out what to do with everything left behind. Right in the middle of a holiday season. What fun /sarcasm.

On the topic of Oscar, it's safe to say how he passed/what happened. My father went first, and so Oscar just curled up next to him.....and stayed there until he also died. And honestly....that's just heartbreaking.....I wish Oscar could've howled for help, that someone could have heard him and come to his rescue and taken care of him....but he didn't....I just wish i could have been by Oscar's side in his final moments. I know he was an old dog, he lived to be 15 and a half...but he's with my grandma now and I hope she's taking good care of him, wherever they are.

Meanwhile, Penny has been a new family member since July. She has been by my side to give hugs and cuddles, and I've needed them a lot these past few weeks. Since Oscar stayed behind to keep my father company when I moved out a few years ago, I missed my puppy, and having a little doggo around. And so, enter Penny. She's even registered as an emotional support animal, or ESA, and she goes all kinds of places with me. I love the attention she gets from other people when we go shopping together. Her cuteness lightens up a room and makes the day of many people.

My little fluffy girl has been a big help getting me through everything this season.

Back to Castletown Cafe, it may take a while, but I hope one day to return to it. I have all kinds of ideas and things I want to make and practice, and I also hope to create more content in 2024, even doing more live gaming on Twitch. I got a new computer for streaming, but I still need a monitor for it. I wanna have a streaming schedule and everything.

I really appreciate all of you who are still here even though I haven't been able to make many new things or deliver upon hyped ideas. I feel bad about my lack of content this year, though with recent life events I think it's really understandable as to why I haven't been able to churn out much in that regard.

One more thing: I do want to disclose that my ADHD is unmedicated. I can't get medication for it (not with this hell-thcare system) and I don't know what I should take for executive dysfunction. For those of you who made it this far with ADHD, what do you recommend?

Anyway, thank you for taking the time to read this, especially if you made it all the way to the end here. I know it was a lot, and some of this is REALLY heavy stuff. These are things that we all do go through, however.

Thank you.

~ Mari 🧡

I NEVER FINISHED MY STORY OMG. ok so i left off at being too proud to tell my friend she was right and kpop fucked hard. the difference between u and me is that i’m too good of a liar. too good. i kept up the “i hate kpop it’s cringe” facade for ALMOST TWO WHOLE YEARS, I SHIT YOU NOT. why? bc my dumb ass, extra ass, dramatic ass self thought “ok if i’m gonna have to deal with the embarrassment of admitting i’m wrong, i better do it in such an extra ass way it’ll knock ur socks off so hard that YOULL be the one embarrassed not me.” the original plan was to learn the entire choreography to bts dope, bc it’s the song that she told me to listen to and inevitably the song that got me into them, but later switched to bts fire bc i saw too many of those “choreo matches w any song” videos, and then her birthday party came up. and here’s the real kicker. her birthday is April Motherfuckin Fools. so it would be So Perfect for me to reveal my kpopism as a birthday present And a april fools prank in one. so i was Set on the Reveal being on april 1st, but the day rolls around and god that choreo is so fucking hard and i am Not a dancer. never have been. so i abandon that and go ykno what… i’ll do it Next Year. BC MY BITCHASS WAS LIKE NO THE MOMENT IS TOO PERFECT TO DO IT ON A NORMAL ASS DAY ITS GONNA BE ON APRIL FOOLS ON HER GODDAMN BIRTHDAY OR NOT AT ALL. a year rolls by, i’ve told most of our friends except her and they’re all in on it, i’d made so many subtle kpop references to her without her realising they were fully intentional and had too many scares where she almost figured me out but i lied my way out of it, and i’d given up on showing off with choreography bc i couldn’t make that shit look good. i’m not a dancer. i am, however, a rapper, and a damn good one, so i inhaled the agust d mixtape and decided i’d just rap the eminem of kpop’s anthem at her face. in korean. and change the lyrics at the end (if u haven’t listened to agust d, the bridge repeats “i’m sorry” a lot) to “i’m sorry i kept this from u for so long” and “i’m sorry i actually ult got7 not bts” (this was like the april after skz debuted ok i was holding onto got7 for dear life knowing full well skz we’re going to convert me smh) and the best part? she never saw it coming. her official present was a cd with a bunch of kpop on it but she thought it was just a personalised mixtape for her so i told her to play the first song out loud and she knew the song Instantly. it has a long intro so she was like “i guess u did listen when i recommended u this song!! i knew you’d like it since u like rap so much!!” and then i started rapping and i shit u not. she started SCREAMING. like the initial reaction was her jaw dropping and then instinctively covering her mouth but when i kept going and she realised i wasn’t fucking around she just fucking screamed like a banshee. at the end during the sorry bit i threw off my jacket to reveal a got7 shirt on the inside and she fell off her chair and started rolling around on the floor. needless to say it was every bit as satisfying as i thought it’d be LMAOOOO afterwards her ass was like “I CANT BELIEVE U HID THIS FROM ME FOR OVER A YEAR” and when i tried to explain my ego couldn’t take the “i told u so” she was like “you know i wouldn’t have made fun of you for it right? i would just be glad you’re not hating on my boys anymore” so basically i’m a big dramatic fool and she was always too good for me.

don’t mind the weird spaces here my ipad is being all fucky wucky w me rn. damn sad to hear ur sideblog experience didn’t go so well, i’d have shown u the cool side of the fandom if i knew 😤😤 leading u thru the cursed halls of kpop stan tumblr like a sketchy tour guide that’s actually 3 small raccoons stacked on top of each other like a trench coat, like “over here we have the fanfic writers that honestly need to publish a book, over here we have the gif makers that are responsible for my entire camera roll, if we take a quick swerve past the death threat anons and the twt fanwar screenshots - mind ur feet bub the 14 year olds were tryna make a grab for ur ankles - ah here’s the holy grail of shitposts, you might be here for hours, to the right we have the weird aussie side of the fandom that projects our childhoods onto chanlix but also all the members as we decide what their life in australia would’ve been like, and down there is a secret trapdoor to the blogs w endless random headcanons that will make you laugh, cry or blush depending on if the author woke up and decided to choose violence today. enjoy your Stay!” but then again i’m not so active on tumblr anymore (ngl you’ve become the highlight of my tumblr experience these days, interaction wise,) so maybe all my Local Hotspots are inactive now. i know a bunch of them are, it’s sad. “i don’t fw stan twitter for the same reason i don’t hang out in meth dens” oop. guess i’m a meth addict. no but i get u i rly do, it’s a hellhole out there, but the fact that things get shared and spread a lot easier than on tumblr and how short most things have to be (therefor keeping up w my adhd attention span without having to resort to the mental torture that is tiktok, with the added bonus of not always needing headphones.) that i just. couldn’t leave if i tried. maybe i should try being active on tumblr again but it’s a dying site in comparison.

“their music doesn’t consistently hit for me as much as skz” i’m sorry we can’t be friends anymore. what. what. you don’t dramama ramama ramama hey? you don’t feel a little jealousyyyyyy, naega anin? you don’t shoot out, shoot out, shoot out, or aremdaeun love killa love killa? you can’t be your hero du du du du du du du du du dududu? u disappoint me. literally like everyone i know who likes skz music likes mx music like it’s a rite of Passage. they’re kindred spirits, monsta x music is like skz’s music’s cool but mildly heterosexual older brother. neither of them know what a bad song is it runs in the family. and both their music runs in my VEINS. whenever i describe my music taste they’re always the first two that come to mind, skz being my number 1 bc they are my best boys but mx bc of the Flavour. pls listen to the entire the code album then get back to me 😤🙌 ok but fr ur so right they are 7 of the finest men i ever seen (yes i say 7 bc i’m including wonho cause he deserved better and i’ll die on my ot7 bullshit.) like don’t get me started on them either LOL i LITERALLY downloaded that one insta video of changkyun working out his back n arm muscles w his tattoo showing bc i needed that shit saved for Science. they could do Anything w me like frfr. yes vixx is the bdsm contract group i’m telling ya they wildin. or at least they were. it’s been years since their last comeback idk what they’re doing anymore tbh. and yeah that makes sense, savouring the hyperfixation i feel it, but also i’m so attached to skz that i never let it die. like i hyperfixate on other things and other groups but i will Always go back to skz cause they’re my homeboys. hell, they’re my home. being a predebut stay i’ve spent more time w skz than most of my actual family members at this point. but that’s just me you do u boo xx just know that if ur anything like me ur never letting go once skz it’s been my longest lasting fixation cause they hit like Nothing Else Do. ik i’ve already said that but i cannot stress it enough. they’re really special. i’m gonna stop here before i get all sappy and emotional bc i really love those boys so fucking much and i don’t drop the L bomb often. SIDE NOTE I WOULD LIKE TO SEE UR LIST OF GROUPS RANKED BY THORSt. i need to judge ur Taste. and omg cat&dog is such a guilty pleasure song bc the lyrics make me cringe so much bc while pet play can be fun they be doing it in more of an “i’m an innocent soft dogboy uwu” kinda way that just Does Not Sit Right with me. it comes back to the objectifying of asians that asians themselves don’t help in industries like these and maybe i’m looking too far into it when rly it is just wholesome n cute or maybe they are into some pet play shit idk idc i will bop to the song regardless but i will not acknowledge the lyrics nope.

YOURE RIGHT THO SKZ’S OPENNESS IS IN FACT, A BIG DEAL, i’ll grab them for u if u want but i found these twt threads of skz supporting the lgbt community and i just felt a special kind of happiness man like sure the delusional part of me likes going “haha they’re gay” bc my brain likes to imagine them as my polycule of mlm boyfriends bc sometimes thats what gives me the serotonin to get me thru the day ok don’t judge but also bc it’s nice knowing that yes i’ll never know them personally, but at least i can support them knowing they’d respect my gender identity and my pronouns, they’d respect who i choose to love, and that’s already more than the general public can say so shit, it is special! it’s special that they don’t treat being cishet like the norm - they constantly remove gender from their songs and speech entirely, they don’t assume all stays are female anymore, we don’t talk abt the babygirls incident cause we got babystays in the end outta that ok, and it’s just. so refreshing and important to me bc i can’t get that anywhere else!! like my semi ults are the boyz and while i love them very much and there’s no way all 11 of them are straight i refuse, i do get just a little bit sad whenever they she/her their fandom by default and call them their girlfriends n shit even tho i do still identify as a girl, i’m also genderfluid/nonbinary/transmasc, and i have a very love/hate relationship w my womanhood and rarely use she/her pronouns, cause it’s like, do you not see me? see us? the ones who aren’t cishet women? i mean i know kevin does bc he congratulated a fan who came out as nb but it’s just not the same as the openness we get w skz. like how do i trust cishets i could be supporting them as a queer person when in reality they’d call me a slur. what would i know, behind the screen? so it’s so good that skz go the extra mile to make it a safe space for everyone. this is already long enough i will reply to the second half of that ask in another message… tomorrow cause it’s 1am and i’m tired gn -felix bi anon

I'mma have to start putting these under a readmore so that i don't absolutely make everything who is still following me for some reason go totally fucking insane 😂

NDJDHWJJAHFNAKBSJSBFBHHDBDNAJD YOU HAVE NO IDEA THE FACES I WAS MAKING READING THIS, I WAS FUCKING CACKLING AND GASPING EVERY OTHER SENTENCE SO HARD THAT I SCARED THE CATS NDJWHSHSB the fact that you went "oh you want me to get into kpop? Give me a hot minute, and I'll give you a whole ass private concert for free" biduehsjdbd biiiiiiiiiiitch you're a fucking ICON, I stg I could NEVER 😂 (and not just because I couldn't find a tune if you gave me a printed set of Google maps directions and that I embody the steriotype that white people can't dance, like my sister kept sensing me tiktoks of the whole "dance like a white girl" trend going lmfao look it's you and eventually I was like "sis please this trend has me feeling like being white is a disability and these mothafuckers are being ableist 😭 also I could NEVER be that on beat so yall ain't even doin it right 😭😭😭😭"). Tbh if I told one of my friends (lol what friends, i got jokes) to get into Skz and they showed up at my bday and performed the entirety of I Got It I would simply shower them in money and go "aight everyone else go home, you are no longer needed, you are being laid off, your position has been eliminated, we're downsizing, the company is moving up and you're moving out, you are not qualified for this role any longer, best of luck with future endeavors" 😊

I think part of the reason I can't deal w Twitter is the exact reason I refuse to leave tumblr, in that I've been on tumblr since 2006 and twt since 2008, and tumblr literally has not changed at all, not even a little, whereas going from the early days of twt where there were no corporate sponsorships or ads and you had to manually copy and paste someone's tweet and @ them to retweet it, to how it is now, like 90% ads and showing me shit from the timelines of people I don't even fuckin follow n whatnot, it's just not enjoyable. Idk how anyone finds anything on twt, it confuses and frustrates me because I am old and have not adapted well to technology changing 😂 But arguably, the skz fanbase doesn't want me on skztwt anyways so like it works for both of us lmfaooo. I am old and cringey, and also still think of twt as stream of consciousness whereas tumblr is your teenage bedroom where you can decorate the walls with anything that interests you. I do really love the nonsensical kpoptwt shitposts tho fhshsbdjjss like it is a very specific flavor of mental instability that I enjoy immensely 😂 OH and also I initially misread part of that and thought you were saying you actually irl do meth and I was like 😳 WHAT DO I SAY TO THAT. HOW DO I HANDLE THIS. Like how do I express like "I wasn't being judgy of people who use substances cause I've been there but I was just being insensitive 😳" And then went back and reread it and was like WHEW, IM JUST AN ILLITERATE FOOL 😂😂😂😂 ejeywhdhrhjwbfbdjshdhdhd I spent like an hour bwign like "IS THE REASON WE GET ALONG BECAUSE THEY'RE ON METH???? WHAT DO I DO WITH THIS INFORMATION??????" hrhehshe I am literally a fuckin idiot it's fine

It's not that I don't fw them, it's more like... Okay so like there is no situation in which I am going to skip a skz song if it comes on shuffle. You will not ever catch me NOT in the mood to listen to Sunshine, if God's Menu comes on we are THROWIN the meager amount of booty meat I got hither and thither, I could be in the happiest mood of my life but if Ex comes on I will stop to SOB. And I'm not like that with most music, so mx just falls into the category of "there is a time and place." Idk why but it just doesn't forcibly grab hold of my heart and ass the way skz always does. I really don't WANT my skz fixation to ever end, but I know that eventually it'll stop giving me dopamine bevause my brain is my worst fucking enemy 🙃 like my arcana fixation is to date the longest running hyperfixation I've ever had, going on almost three years, and I used to not be able to spend every single second of every day thinking about Asra, but now... I just feel nothing when I look at arcana stuff. As you can probz tell by the fact that I hardly post arcana anymore 😂 So I know that eventually all my happiness will end, it always does, I can never stay just as obsessed with something as I was for long. I CANT SHARE THE LIST BECAUSE I DONT *HAVE* TASTE YET 😭 I'm basically just compiling a list of any group someone tells me I should look into, ranked by how strong the kitty purred upon googling pics of them 😂 My mom read my ass to FILTH over txt lmfao she was like "they're not that adorable. Maybe your standard for adorableness has gone down with You Know Who still on hiatus 🤔" bfjwhdhd like MOMMAAAAA THE LIBRARY IS CLOSED 😂 she attacks me any time I even hint at stanning other groups, she is a skz purist and stans skz only, unofficial Momma Stay of All Stays keeping me in check lmfao.

I feel like skz really do follow thru on their promise that they're a safe space for stays, it's nice to see that they hold space for anyone and everyone in their fanbase and do it in a really simple and elegant way, I feel. Like they never make it seem like "okay here are the fans and here are the token weirdos that were only recognizing to make a buck off of them" the way a lot of artists make it feel like 😑 like they don't go out of their way to act like it's some revolutionary act to do the bare minimum of not shitting on certain parts of the fandom, if that makes sense. They feel very "yeah, of course we love all our stays, this is a welcoming space for literally anyone, that's how it should be, that should be normal," instead of like "Hi fans we love you 😊 and special shoutout to you ell gee bee tee folk, make sure to buy my rainbow merch after the show!!!" you know? Like, they're the friends who would never make you feel weird or different for some shit, the friends that take the attention off you if something they know ur sensitive about comes up, instead of weirdly snapping at whoever brought the unfomfy thing up which ruins the mood and makes you feel tiwce as bad, yk? They just give off this vibe that they, and the space they create with their music, is just a genuine and chill place to be and hang out and relax and bond. I feel like they'd be the friend group that is so goofy and sweet and silly and accepting and lovely and always makes you feel loved and excited to be alive 🥺 They are all good noodles 🥺🥺🥺

B,L,A,N,K,E,T for the fanfic ask meme

OMG LISSY THANK YOU SO MUCH?? You indulge me FAR too much

B-What was the first fandom you read fic in?  Which was the first you wrote fic for?

I first read for either Hana-Kimi or Ouran High School Host Club back in the golden days of Fanfiction.net...many moons ago...

I first wrote even before then for Teen Titans. I didn’t know “fanfiction” was a thing, and I just wrote “stories” for my favorite superheroes by hand and illustrated them myself, to be enjoyed by absolutely nobody but me.

L- Which of your fanfics was the most emotionally challenging to write?

That’s tough. Probably either “Unacceptable” or “Inarticulate Life,” both of which deal with some heavier subject matter. “OT3″ has also had some darker moments, which can be tough to write sometimes without taking lots of breaks to gather my thoughts and emotions before getting to a final version. It’s not that I can’t write about tougher topics, but rather that I want to make sure the characters speak like themselves while also being respectful of the subject matter (i.e. abusive relationships, sexual misconduct, etc). It can be challenging to strike a balance between handling something in a way that I’m comfortable sharing with readers while also just being in-character.

A-Of the fanfic you’ve written, which is your favorite and why?

If we’re sticking to what I’ve written more recently on AO3, probably “OT3″ or “Naked,” as they both kind of served as icebreakers for me to meet and befriend a lot of awesome people in the Gorillaz fandom, some of whom have become my closest friends over the course of years. The research and time and effort that has gone into OT3 (and will continue to; it’s on hiatus, but I’m not done with it forever) is probably the most I’ve ever poured into anything fandom-wise.

Looking back even further (if you don’t have my ff.net account, you’re not gonna get it; shit back there is CRINGE), I’m pretty fond of “Post Hoc, Ergo Propter Hoc,” because I wrote a lot of that at a time when I was starting to come into myself as a writer and realize that I wanted to take writing seriously as a profession. Plus I’ll always have a soft spot for Sherlock Holmes sooo

N-Any fic ideas brewing that you’d care to share?

I DON’T CARE if no one gives a shit, I’m drafting a JJBA/Vento Aureo Fumis fic that’s gonna be so traumatizing, yo! Mista is dealing with a shit-ton of survivor’s guilt and depression, and Fugo is just an emotional mess on a good day, and they’re gonna be thrown together to topple Passione’s narcotics trade. They’re falling in love, but why the hell aren’t they in therapy? Stay tuned to find out!

Also when that fic has been drafted, I’m seriously hoping to get back into writing “OT3″ again... It’s honestly harder than it sounds to write something when your heart’s not in it, but I’m going to do my best to get back into that mindset once my current hyper-fixation dies down a bit because I know a lot of folks really want to see the story continue (trust me: so do I).

K-Do you have a guilty pleasures in fic (reading or writing)?

Smut. I just read so much smut :( I generally don’t read fics that aren’t M-rated unless they’re exceptionally well-written. The kinkier the better, honestly. I’ve gotta get better about giving other fics a chance...

E- What character do you identify with most?  Is there a certain fic of yours that captures these qualities particularly well?

Hmm. Weird answer, but here goes: Mac from Sunny in Philadelphia is one. His toxic relationship with Dennis helped me externalize a bad relationship in my own life, and I really identify with Mac’s need to “protect” and love his friends even when he’s a total coward who hasn’t really sorted his own shit out yet, and even though he knows those friends wouldn’t necessarily do the same for him. I’m not sure that comes across so well in the sole IASIP fic that I’ve written, but I have drafts floating around for a longer fic I doubt I’ll ever get to that really address that aspect of his personality.

My current hyperfixation, JJBA also has me loving Mista, who is similarly, consciously or unconsciously, overly protective of loved ones to the point of self-destruction. That will absolutely shine through in the fics I’m writing for JJBA.

And my Good Omens fic “Upon Your Shoulders” may as well be titled “Beck Projects Intense Self-Loathing onto Aziraphale and Posts it Publicly.” So yeah. That’s really me not even trying to be subtle, to be honest. Aziraphale is just a character that I saw and instantly stanned.

I know I write primarily Gorillaz, but I don’t actually identify with any of them that closely? I just think they’re neat!

T-Any fanfic tropes you can’t stand?

Anything that uses trauma as the sole means to push two characters together is honestly just :/// like “Character A was sexually assaulted, and their trauma made Character B realize it was time to confess their feelings and now they’re happily together! :)” YUCK. Do not like.

I also generally avoid kidfics (with exceptions--lookin’ at you, Smooty!) because I don’t want kids nor do I want my OTPs to share their time/attention with anyone else, thank you! Unless I personally know and like the author, I skip over anything dealing with kids, adoption, pregnancy, etc.

Anything OC-related is also a no from me, dawg (with exceptions--lookin’ at you, Aaron!) because in case you couldn’t tell, I am there for the OTP I’m hyper-focused on, and don't need any distractions. My unpopular opinion is “why insert an OC when you can just self-project onto a character instead?”

Aside from that, give me all the “there was only one bed :O” or merfolk!AUs or time period!AUs you can--I’ll collect them all gladly.

Thank you so much for the ask, Liss!! This was fun AND you made me open my FF.net page to look at my old stuff. Thanks, I hate it!

amour, are you ok? do you have an outlet or someone to talk to?? :(

ah, i’ve got plenty of online people i could talk to, but that really doesn’t do anything, does it? not to sound pessimistic, it really usually doesn’t, but it’s good distraction and easy fun, and i do adore those i talk to, so it’s a way to keep myself fixated on anything but what’s wrong.

i don’t have many outlets, my main hobbies are writing on discord and playing my switch. literally that, and napping between my “job”.

i don’t have any friends irl. i moved back to texas and no one reached out. i’ve got my extended and close family, but i don’t talk to them about what’s going on. my mother is stubborn and while i love her to death, she often chooses action over comfort. my sister makes me feel to guilt ridden. my father’s side of the family are… is the family i grew up with. abusive, negligent, unbelieving in my mental illnesses or depression, and they haven’t changed in the past six years i was moved away. my mom’s side is… heavily religious, and i’m an atheist and even though they know i’m trans, i haven’t felt comfortable even talking to them about that since i only saw them on and off through my childhood. my grandmother, kind as she is, thinks me and my sister are “broken people”.

so i don’t really talk to anyone. irl or online, not only because of these reasons but because i know it doesn’t help. i’m uncomfortable talking about my feelings and most of the time am completely dissociated or apathetic. it’s hard to focus on anything beyond hyperfixating, like i am currently on my game. but for the longest time i was so attached to the idea that it never helps - because it never did. i’d say i was feeling down, someone would get sad, give me their well wishes, and i’d feel guilty and it’s not like it ever worked. only recently did i really come to the realization that yes, mental illness doesn’t cure itself in a day, and i don’t know if this will have yet to help me talk to people or not because i refuse to dwell on my own issues.

i would prefer to speak to an actual professional, but i do not have health insurance nor a real job to cover as much. i am also off of my medication, which helps monumentally in becoming motivated and happy in my days.

am i ok? no. probably not. but most of the time i’m 100% hyperfixated on discord or my video game that i don’t even let myself think about it. i work a job with my nan, who i love to death, but it pays very little and she’s a little nerve wracking at the best of times. i’m uneducated and i feel like a failure because i am the “genius of the family” as my mother boasts so often, and i feel like because i’m not going to college currently i’m. a failure, no matter how much i want to go, i don’t have the everyday motivation to take the steps to do what i need to do to get there.

i’m an adult, my mom says, but i just wish she’d sit down and help me with it, and when i ask, she says later. later never comes.

i know there’s no point to life. no point to living, and i tell myself, “but i’ll make a point, a reason, so one day when i look back i can say my life was worth it” but at this rate?

i always disappoint. and i don’t like making any steps towards progress in my life because one step forward from the starting line and the rest of the track stretches on forever and i just can’t face that. i’m a coward, i don’t deserve any of the kindness i get here, any nice things i get just make me feel hollow. i almost want to ask anyone whor eads this don’t message me about it. don’t because whatever i say will be hollow and i can’t even say what i fel. like it doesn’t matter. because nothing changes. it really doesn’t.

i haven’t even let the deaths of our last two dogs hit me. or the loss of my dog. i can’t even comprehend it. i am awash with so much pain it’s become nothing. i miss the life i had in arizona. i finally, for the first time in my life, had friends. a job. i felt useful and like i had something going for me.

here i just want to sleep. please let me sleep. i want to eat less meals until i’m the weight i feel like i’m supposed to be and i want to cut myself because the idea is so appealing i’ve done it once before and i just.

and im so fucking angry. please don’t say “it’s for attention” ro some shit. i don’t. im quiwt. i dont sa y anything im

i’m sorry. i wouldn’t hurt myself, or kill myself. like i said, i’m a coward.

i’ll probably delete this later. it’s christmas eve but we’re not even celebrating because we’re poor and broke, and the few gifts we got were funded by our mom’s ex fiance who was abusive to me and stole drugs working as a pharmacist. i miss him.

im sorry. this is. this didn’t mean tot come out as it did. im sorry.