#i am glad you've been dealing with it well. i should learn from that example also 💖
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Today has been super busy but also really good. This was the day I was most worried about but for real it was mostly great and there weren't many troubles. Traffic and getting lost were the only issues. Surprise surprise.
I was able to sleep a little easier last night. I am still struggling with staying asleep. But it was okay. I was not thrilled to wake up. But when I did James was there and that made me happy.
I noticed last night that I have a red mark on the tip of my nose. Which hurts if I touch it. I don't know what it is. And I'm half convinced I have skin cancer. But it could also just be nothing. Or I'm dying. These are the only options. I'll have the doctor look at it at my rhumatologist appointment on Monday. But hopefully it just clears up before then.
Hoenslty it's probably allergies. All day my face and ears have been itchy. My scalp has been sore. I don't know what's up but it's obnoxious.
But regardless of my small discomfort, today was a beautiful day.
I got washed up and dressed and got myself together and ready. James brought my art materials to the car for AWAH (art with a heart from here on out) and they made me a bagel.
We went to work. And listened to their silly podcast which I mostly really like. But there keeps being lines about someone being disappointed and it makes my stomach hurt. It's mostly very funny.
When we got to the museum I mostly wanted to sit and be quiet for a bit. I would go and sit in the back. But then Rosia was there. She had come early to set up balls and track because it was her first one she was leading. And she has an engineering background and really went all out writing out stuff on the board. Which is great for the 7th graders we had today but may be over the heads of 2nd graders.
Even the school came they were super nice kids. And we had half the numbers we had on our schedule. Which was just fine.
I would let Rosia do her thing and just sit and watch. I had some feedback but also she did great. Her intro was a little long and I think she could push the material ideas more. That's why I like writing as I go because it gets them to really think bout the answers. But overall I think it went really well.
Out tubes were very chewed up though and so I would mostly hang back and trim the tubes down to get the gnarly parts off.
I would build some examples. And showed the kids ways to solve the problems. And they all seemed to have a lot of fun.
We had our tour next. I got upset with Jordan for being late again. He was like it's only 2 minutes but you should be starting your tour at 1130. And if you aren't getting them until 1132, you aren't getting to your first gallery until 1135 or later. And then you've lost 5 or more minutes. And it sucks!! Like yes it's not a huge deal in the grand scheme but it's still an issue when it effects the next group.
But we got on our tour and that was good. I did a little intro and passed it over to Rosia and she did great! The timing was a problem but mostly she was doing great.
I didn't realize she hadnt seen my tour before. And when we swapped over to me she said I did great and she learned a lot and could see my passion and that was so great. I'm glad I was able to share that with her!! She's super sharp and is going to do great.
We did a debrief after and I gave her some feedback. She shared with me about her ideas about moving away from the skilled/unskilled language and also she says she's not going to use African American. She is a black woman and I was like tell me why!! And she said she, and many others, prefer black because they aren't all from Africa! And I was like you are so right. I will work to change my language. I am still going to use the skilled/unskilled but with explanations because that's what's being used in the real world and I want them to understand what that means when they hear it on the news. Because it is used in the real world still. But I am excited to have so many new people to learn different perspectives and different languages expectations.
We actually had another new person start today. And she seems lovely. It's exciting to have more people around. Even as others are leaving for greener pastures.
I would go and eat lunch. And then I would take Jim and Rosia up to the maintenance office to show them the lights on boxes so we could build those. And I would build a whole bunch of flashlights. Which I always love doing. And I would chat with Phil and Stanley about going to work at Puhtok full time and what they think I should ask for and that made me feel good. Like I'm asking for something reasonable. And gives me strength for tomorrow when I talk to Heather about it.
I had a lot of time until I had to be at awah. And so I chilled in the parking lot for a while. And read through the lesson. Watched tiktoks. And eventually would start heading over to the center.
I got stuck in some traffic. But would quickly make my way there. And I waited in the parking lot for a bit. But would soon head inside.
And I had the best time. They were all so nice. Only half of the expected participants came but that was okay. And my assistant is nice but made me a little nervous. Moving things a lot when I wasn't ready. We also got started a little late so we didn't have a ton of time.
But they were all so lovely. They painted and drew. I helped those who had numb hands. And the woman who was our contact gave me a snack and asked if we could make this longer next time. I told her to contact awah and that I was into it if that was okay with Jake.
We cleaned up and I took all their pieces so we can finish them next month. So I will keep them safe at home. And then I was off.
It was not an ideal drive. I got confused and thought I was driving down a one way be sure the sun was in my eye. But I would make it to the awah building right on time.
I got all the supplies inside and very quickly they were giving us sandwiches for dinner. And I learned a lot through this training. About differentiation in teaching and intelligence styles and it's neat. I also have been enjoying meeting people. Though I feel like I have been answering to many things because I am nervous and want people to like me. But it was fun doing different breakdowns about lessons and changing lessons to work better for different learners.
I had a lot of fun at the training. And was happy to go home.
The drive back was quick. I struggled to bring the box of my participants' art. Dropped my totebag. But I got everything inside and James helped me find a place to put everything. And I went to take a shower.
My skin and hair are still really bothering me but at least Im clean. I sat on the couch with James and we talked. A little debrief about the day. And I went to paint my toes before we got in bed.
Which is where we are now. I am really tired. I want to read for a little and try to go to sleep early. Let's see if that actually happens.
Tomorrow I have museum and then off to puhtok to set up for Friday and maybe figure out working there more!! Wish me luck!! Goodnight!!
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Swansong Review:
So as it turns out, I finished rereading Swansong tonight and finally finished chapter five. (I know that was fast, but to be fair I read a lot to keep myself awake at work overnight, so I had the time to spare for it.) And as it turns out, I had only halfway finished chapter five the last time I picked this up. Cannot remember why I stopped midway through, but I can say reading it fully through in one sitting made it easier to digest and process together. It's not as densely worded as the earlier chapters (at least to me it's not), but emotionally it holds a different weight, so it felt right to read it all together like that. I'm writing this note right after finishing so my thoughts on the text are fresh this time around.
Before I even get to my thoughts on chapter five though; I made the comment before that everytime I read this fic, I pick up a new thing from it that tends to hit a personal note for me, and this time around was no exception. This passage from chapter 4 struck me as I was reading it this time:
"He wasn't doing that because he wanted to feel happy, but because he needed to draw clear lines in the sand as to what he could and couldn't acknowledge if he wanted to carry on living.
He would have lost his mind otherwise."
This is just...a feeling that I found I've been much more intimately familiar with than I previously thought, and I only realized that recently truth be told. I was suffering from massive creative burnout for like a year and a half that only started to relent about two months ago. (And it wasn't just because of the pandemic, but because of other personal matters that just happened to line up Too well with it.) I came to the realization that I'd spent so many years constantly grinding out art and writing in an effort to stave off some feelings and experiences I hadn't processed, and covid more or less brought those to the forefront and made me Stop for awhile to give my mind a rest. And while thats not exactly what Sebastian is doing here, I can still say I now recognize and understand the feeling you were conveying with this writing. (And safe to say, I'm dealing with it a lot better than poor Seb is currently.)
With that said, we reach my thoughts about chapter five itself.
Chapter five is...very much about the Weight of a lot of things it seems, from the weight of what Sebastian and Vincent had actually felt about each other in the past and what that meant, the actual depths of their connection due to shared life circumstance and unique understanding of each other. But in present time, its about confronting the weight of Sebastian's grief over Vincents death and ultimately, the acceptance of it it seems, at least if his tears at the end speak for that themself. And its funny because you mentioned something about acceptance not long before Seb and Vincents conversation at the end, and that passage stood out to me the most in this chapter:
"But acknowledgement wasn't acceptance. He didn't accept his despair, either. So the source of all his recent stress had disappeared. Why should he care? What wasn't to like? Vincent was gone! Fantastic! That was his problem solved, just like that, and he hadn't even needed to lift a finger! Sebastian was free to resume his life at last.
So why wasn't he happy?
Down that path lay madness."
It's clear that Sebastian has at least Acknowledged Vincents death and the feelings associated with it. But he's compartmentalized it all and shoved it so far away in his thoughts that even with the reoccuring dreams, and even with Vincent standing in front of him again, he hadn't truly accepted it. And of course that's what leads to him just breaking down finally and yelling about everything, and eventually to his tears.
It felt visceral to read that part; the way you wrote it felt very real, and honestly because I've more recently been going through a similar time learning to accept some of my own issues leftover from running away from an abusive home, I really understood what Sebastian was feeling here. Because youre right, acknowledging is one thing. Saying "This has happened and I know it did" is One Thing. But really taking it fully into account, and Processing and Accepting it in All of its weight and emotions attached, is a whole other thing. And it really does take time and effort and eventually, if you don't do it for long enough, it'll come out messy and explosively. Thankfully I started working on my own traumas and grievences in much more quiet and less painful ways, but even so, I understood what you wrote here with Seb all the same.
I think overall what strikes me about this fic as a whole is just how youve written about grief both as a concept but as we watch Sebastian start to come to terms with it in different ways, and for very different parts of his life. And I say this with full honesty: while I've read/seen other works that have handled grief well enough and left some impact on me personally, none of them have done it quite like this fic. I know you put a lot of your personal feelings into these writings, and so maybe its because youre reflecting your own experiences back into the narritive, but man...something about growing up and going through so much in the past five years while consistantly coming back to this fic as it grew, and as I grew too, has really made it stick in both my heart and just in my thinking in general. I can relate to the concepts of grief and the questions and the overall life lessons and advice you've stuck in here in a way that I haven't connected with to any other work I've encountered, and that's why it's stayed so relevant for me this whole time you've been working on it. Of course I love it for the story of Sebastian and Vincent as well, I wouldn't have started the story all those years ago if it hadn't been for that in the first place. But even if it were an original work without those two in it that you'd written, it'd still hold the same impact for me I think. Your writing is just That good and you've written this story from such a realistic and human place of emotion that it really does stick with you and make you think about it.
I have loved this fic more and more with each reading as I've come to understand and be able to connect with it more as a whole over the years, and now that I'm caught up properly I can say yet again that I cannot wait to see where it goes, and I'm eternally greatful that you decided to write this piece in the first place. I look forward to when it updates again, no matter how long that may be 💕
#submission#review#swansong#macabre angst#sebinsky#save#oh my goodness this is such a lovely review 😭💖😭💖😭#what you say about burnout also resonates with me at the moment - i'm kind of in a similar state of mind myself#i think in a way creative output is that. the art of drawing lines in the sand and making something beautiful out of it#but the balance between the beauty of what you produce and what it does to your self is a very delicate one you know?#i am glad you've been dealing with it well. i should learn from that example also 💖#and re: grief it really is a forever thing like the constant motion of a wave#the reason you and i keep coming back to swansong (whether to read or write) is probably because of the ties grief forms#to various aspects of our lives; even if we've had different experiences as a whole#(i also left a bad home so perhaps it is not that different in hindsight)#but the ties do hurt less over the years. and we do grow to understand more about the feeling behind them#as long as we refuse to resign ourselves to despair#i hope we are both in a better place by the end of this story#and thank you so much for checking back in always 💖💖💖💖💖💖💖
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My dar(k) ling – The Darkling × reader
Part 13
Masterlist
Pairing: The Darkling x reader
Warnings: none?
Summary: Another fete, another challenge for you and Aleksander. Another person between you and the man you love.
– What the hell is that?
You step on the training ground that you usually keep during archery trainings with young grisha. But seems this time your today's training started without you. Instead of empty space on your usual place a tall young woman is standing next to the line of targets with children not far from them.
Unfortunately, Baghra is here too.
– I found a replacement for you for this day, - the old woman waves her hand and a dark-haired woman sends a suspicious glance towards your side.
– Once it's for a day, and then for a life.
Baghra only rolls her eyes on your barely audible mumbling. When she brings you closer to that woman, you realize you've seen her before during trainings.
– It's Zoya, one of the best grisha in the Second Army.
You trace her slim figure in navy blue kefta with critical glance, waiting patiently for her any reaction. Not that you are against new people, but definitely not today, the day after your latest conversation with the general.
– Zoya Nazyalensky. A Squaller, - she extends her arm for a handshake, and you notice familiar pattern on her sleeve and smirk.
– Yes, I can see that.
Nevertheless, you extend yours in response, with a blank expression.
– She will train them, - Baghra nods towards kids. – While I am dealing with you, young lady.
– What else? - you grit your teeth in annoyance. You still have some lessons with Baghra, but usually they are about one and the same.
– I'm not done abusing you. Not yet.
– I am done.
– What? - the woman raises her brow and stops, turning to you.
– I don't need your lessons anymore. Though I'm grateful for the things you taught me, Baghra.
– Did my son brainwashed you with his teary puppy eyes-
– He has nothing to do with it. I just learned everything I wanted.
You already turn to leave her on the gardens' line, but the old witch doesn't intend to let you go.
– Your ancestors could do incredible things, and you only learned how to summon two elements and think, that you can outdo those grisha, who are here from the childhood.
You freeze on one spot, slowly exhaling and inhaling to calm yourself down. With one swift movement you are standing in front of her again.
– Air I can summon is still in your lungs, so be careful with your words, Baghra.
The corner of her lips twitches, as if she's waiting for a reaction like this. When the first wave of rage passes you relax a bit and you step back.
–And I still think that you are wasting your time here.
– What should I do? - you throw a glance to her, throwing arms to the sides in grim surprise. – To destroy the Fold with my hands?
– It's time for youto decide whose side you are on, girl. Are you with Aleksander, or you are helping to destroy him from the inside.
Your blood turns cold. No wonder, Aleksander became so impulsive with a mother like that.
– As far as I know, the boy still trusts you, Y/N.
– It is the perfect reason for me not to trust you.
The woman shakes her head, seeing the girl in front of her as a lost one for her to save. Worse that her son's influence is her own stubbornness and youth.
– What was Aleksander like? - you draw her attention. – Before the Fold.
– He laughed... A lot.
– Well, he seemed to do this with me either.
– That's what I am talking about, - she comes closer to you making you flinch. – You may bring some light to his life, but you won't change him.
Nonsense. You shake your head. Every new conversation with Baghra leads both of you to her attempts to turn you against the general. Every time. Always.
– I would never ask him to change-
– But it doesn't mean you won't want him to, Y/N. He is used to ruin people who are dear to him.
You lower your gaze, observing the ground. Loud noises from the training ground reach your hearing. Seems Zoya entertains young grisha more than you.
– Well, - you take a step back to show the woman, that your conversation is over. – Seems, my life has been already ruined before I met Aleksander.
The woman scans you with a mixture of judgment and motherly adoration in her eyes.
– There will be no happiness between you, if you are so alike on this point.
– Be that as it may, - with only one sentence Baghra gets to set your mood up and down.
As soon as she nods towards your side, you turn away, heading to the palace, passing by the training ground. Your head is full of useless information and whirlwind of emotions, so you at least can be used as a bad example of a trainer now.
When you get closer to your room, where Genya should meet you to try the fete dress on, you notice a familiar figure behind you. Even not turning your head, you know who it is.
– That's what the general meant, when was talking about constant pressure.
Ivan smirks smugly to himself.
– Oh, shut up, please! - you reach the door and halt to face the intrusive heartrender behind you.
– I am not a little girl, I can cope with it.
– And I am glad to hear it, - his face just perfectly shows how he enjoys himself at the moment.
– Shouldn't you look after your husband, hm?
– He is not my husband-
– Well, he should be.
With that you slam the door in front of Ivan's face, making him drop this mean smile from his face. If you two go on with communicating like this, you will become besties for sure.
You have never felt yourself so stupid and uncomfortable in your entire life like right at the moment, standing near the wall of the ballroom.
Genya abandoned you about a half an hour ago, and you are standing looking at the only one person here, that may draw your attention.
Aleksander spends his time discussing something with lieutenants on the opposite side of the room. Seems he is not interested in the fete or, what's most important, in you.
Not this gorgeous dress you are wearing, not your hairstyle, nothing can make the man turn his glance on your. After your last conversation none of you dared to speak with each other or look at.
Most of dates to the dance are already preoccupied with their partners, and you have only to throw sympathetic glances to Fedyor and Ivan, where one of them sometimes salutes you with a champagne glass by turns.
Not that you are just standing alone, some of familiar grisha join you from time to time having a small talk. And you may even easily escape from this party, but the chance that Genya will catch you somewhere in the corridors is pretty high and unpleasant.
But one small detail doesn't go unnoticed for you. Only couple of seconds ago the music becomes quieter, and you casts a quick glance towards the orchestra. There from their side, Aleksander is looking straight at you.
But it is not a problem at all. This detail doesn't seem to you; as soon as you follow others' glances with yours you notice a person coming to you.
The one you don't expect to see next to ever.
White coat with golden epaulettes, blond short hair and unusual charming smile instead of dull glassy glance.
Vasily Lantsov is walking straight to your side.
People around are not used to see the part of the royal family dancing with someone at parties like this one, so even musicians slow down a bit.
You are not nervous, but the whole scene is like not happening with you, so you just watch.
– Miss Y/L/N, may I have the pleasure of the dance?
His voice pitch is not high, not low, but something in the middle, although not unpleasant to hear.
You hesitate, but feeling of the general's burning glance on your figure makes you smirk slightly and nod, laying your hand in prince's one.
The music halts, but when the young man leads you to the center of the ballroom, it starts again with new force. The constant thoughts, that you are the only couple now and everybody is looking at both of you vanish as soon as Vasily's hand lays on your waistline, pressing you closer to him.
He doesn't talk, but the man is always looking at you, attentively, with the hidden interest, and you unconsciously compare this dance to your first one with general. It is stupid, because, honestly, it's nothing compared to the first fete.
You were kind of in love, charmed by a handsome stately man, who you trust with your life, and what's now?
Lost, without direction, still in love, but more love than in love, you are dancing with the prince, but not enjoying it. Though the dress is charming. With long waves it waltzes with your every movement, black and red.
Your lips touches a one sided smirk and you can only imagine what an impression this dance has on Aleksander. Surely, his subordinates will have a hard day tomorrow.
Fortunately for you, the music stops soon and the man, as a perfect gentleman, lets go of your palm and smiles in the end. You curtsy and step towards another wall, closer to the exit. One dance is pretty enough for tonight.
But when you intend to leave the room, someone's hand wraps around your wrist, slightly squeezing it, and you turn around immediately.
Lantsov doesn't go away, but stands still peering at you.
– Would you like to join me this evening, miss Y/L/N? - your eyes narrow in suspicion. Carefully you try to take your hand away from him.
– Don't think me to be rude, your Highness, but you are not known for spending time with ladies.
The young man smirks to you and you literally feel that burning gaze from another side of the room.
– I am not, but you will rescue me, if do that, - you clearly don't understand his intentions and wince.
– Otherwise, I will be sentenced to never-ending grumbling of my mother about searching for a bride.
– Oh...
– "Oh" indeed.
You barely hold yourself from chuckling, but the the prince steps closer to you, and suddenly you think that this scene can be used as a motivation. Of course, not for you.
– What do I get out of it? - you take his hand, that Vasily gladly offers to you.
– A way out of your difficult situation.
His words lit a sparkle inside of your mind, your thoughts find a common point, and you switch your interested gaze on him.
He waits for a second and casts a glance on that side where the general should be, but you decide not to test your luck, and keep staring right at the blond man in front of you.
Suddenly you remember that the ring Aleksander gave you with the letter is left in your room, on a night stand.
A nasty rotten feeling crawls inside you and all your previous thoughts vanish away.
When you turn to the direction where Kirigan stood, you see no one. There is definitely not a good sign, and you quickly look around to sneak out of the hall without Genya noticing you.
You excuse yourself and runs out of the ballroom. All this evening leaves your head full of conflicting thoughts and feelings, so you just need more fresh air.
Usually it's Aleksander who comes to your room either to make up or to take his time alone while your sleeping. But something is telling you that this day is not one of them. You need to talk to him first.
The door behind general's back slams loudly, he can even hear some of the pictures on the walls shaking. Everything in the war room is left like it was before he left for the fete. But the man isn't the same.
He ruffles his hair, exhaling tensely, marching from one corner to another in strange mix of helpless rage and jealousy.
He doesn't know, what is going on with him. All these day it was not so hard not to pay attention to this girl, and now, when Lantsov shared a dance with her, the Darkling is furious.
He unconsciously registers his own shadows crawling to his figure from the darkest sides of the room. If he goes on like this, he will surely have troubles with controlling his powers in future, leaving it to his anger.
The full moon is in the night skies and millions of glittering stars are shining radiating a slight pale light. The sudden thought of leaving the palace and having a night stroll dies with a barely audible knock.
Not many people afford themselves a luxury of disturbing the general so late at night, but anyway he heads to the door.
He opens the door rapidly and he blesses himself for wearing a usual cold mask, the general doesn't give his surprise away.
– Zoya? To what do I owe your esteemed company?
The girl's hesitating, but determined expression almost makes him smile, but he holds himself back.
– You left the fete so soon, I was afraid something happened.
Aleksander steps aside inviting her in. Honesty, he may even use this night visit to forget his predicament, but something holds him back. Something is telling him, it is not his way out.
Unconsciously his hand slips into the pocket of his kefta, fingers find the ring of black metal and green stones. He knows the similar one is somewhere here, in Y/N's room.
But when the squaller walks in further into the room, straight to the table, both of them hear one more knock. Loud, clear one. Aleksander will never mistake him for any other.
– Come in!
He doesn't busy himself opening the door, and when it's opened by the woman he is afraid to see, Kirigan finds himself enjoying the moment.
– Am I interrupting? - the witch's cold voice rings in the tense silence of the place, as she cocks her head to the side. Zoya straightens her shoulders.
– I was just keeping company with the general Kirigan, - the man follows Y/N arching a brow without any other visible signs of displeasure. – People tell it helps when you are alone. Isn't it convenient? You should know about it.
Venom in Zoya's voice is clear, but it's not enough for freaking the young woman out.
– Yes, I'm forgetting all my troubles the moment someone breaks into my chambers in the middle of the night.
Kirigan presses his lips in thin line, trying not to smile or smirk. Despite this difficult situation and visible intentions of Zoya towards him, he can't not to admire his forest witch. The little girl turns into his queen. It's just her character, that doesn't let her admit it.
– Zoya is already leaving, - Aleksander pushes himself from the wall, attentively looking at the squaller.
The dark-haired woman passes by you, not even sharing a last glance, and when the door behind her closes, you feel like finally relaxing.
– Don't like the company of the royal family?
The general locks the door and comes back to you, eyeing your figure with a silky arrogant gaze.
You, in turn, don't leave his eyes too, but with completely different expression. The man, who adored you so much, when we first met and developed your feelings towards each other, who worried about your opinion about him, now only pushes you away as hard as possible and even harder.
You indeed are not recognizing the same man you loved. But maybe you should learn to love him again.
– What was that? - your quiet voice seems to shake him to the ground. This strange calm power on the bottom on your eyes frightens him.
– What was what?
– What made you what you are? - you come closer to the man knowing that he won't go away. There are no more places where he can hide from you. – Tell me, Aleksander, what have burnt the heart out of you?
His glance is a mix of shame and disgust. He can't just not look at you and solve his problems with that. With the woman who sees through him.
– You don't want to know, Y/N.
– Well, I'm here..., - you throws your arms to the side.
Kirigan turns away and comes up to the table with maps leaning on his hands. His glance is slipping to the documents and plans, but he feels you're coming with his back.
You can't wait anymore, come closer to your lover. Lean with your hip on the table to face Aleksander, desperately staring into sharp lines of his features, trying to find that very young man he was once, so long time ago, beyond all the darkness that surrounds him.
– What do you want to hear? I was killing people in their backs all these years. I have terrified them, terrorized using my shadows, I was Ravkan punisher. Fouler than death itself.
– I understand, - you say quietly, wondering if there is still soul inside of this man. Burnt down black desert. That is all he has instead of it.
– Do you regret?
You flinch, when low voice rings in complete silence after a pause. Instead of answering you just shake your head.
– Not a minute of it...well, - Kirigan's gaze switches to yours, when you highlights last words.
– Aside from the moments when you tried to send me away.
One-sided light grin touches his face.
– Don't tell me later, that I didn't warn you.
– Even if I ever regret about my decisions, I will never blame you, Aleksander.
Something in him clicks and he straightens turning his head to you. Need in the glance only softens you more.
– Call me that again, - everything inside you clenches, as you hear his broken voice.
– Aleksander-
– No, not like that.
On a short moment you don't understand his words, but then you are finally lighted up with an idea. His hand that lays not far from you appears under your gentle touch.
– Sasha.
The walls he was building for so long are crushing down at this very moment. You make a quick move to embrace him tenderly and tightly. The man immediately hides his head in the crook of your neck.
– Has the darkness in me won over the light, Y/N? - you feel these words as he touches your skin with his lips while speaking.
– I don't know, darling. I don't know.
– Maybe they are right, - he raises his head, and you see these two burning pools of pure madness in his eyes. – Maybe the beast should stay with his own kind-
– Shut up!
Kirigan blinks and fever in his glance vanishes. He definitely doesn't expect this outburst from you.
Your hands laying on his shoulders and chest before, now are cupping his face, making the man look you in the eyes.
– Stop talking nonsense, - his eyes are searching for something on your face, something that gives up your true feelings. – I love you, Aleksander. And you are not even close to a monster. Don't you dare taking about it again.
You bring his head a bit down so your foreheads touch. Only a moment before you notice tears gathering in his eyes.
– I thought I had lost you, Y/N. My dearest love.
You move closer to finally connect your lips, savouring the perfect moment of peace. Your name sounds like a lament from his lips.
– How can you still stand me after knowing who I am?
Kirigan steals one last kiss from you touching the tip of your nose with his. This tension he felt before slowly leaves him.
– I choose to love you for the things you have control over. Yes, I may not approve your methods, but I know that you want the best for your people. That's enough for me.
– If I knew that you become the only thing I needed, I would not come into that forest.
You chuckle and this turns into light laughter, that Aleksander catches too.
– I'm taking it as a compliment, dear.
When you two stop, you realize that it is pretty late already. You won't forget yourself tomorrow's morning for the lack of sleep.
– May I stay with you? - you are searching for the answer on his face.
– Come.
Aleksander leads you to his bedroom where you stayed a couple of times, laying his broad palm on your back.
He gets rid of his own closer and changes it, handing a new clean shirt for you to change as well.
Honestly you have a small collection of his shirts in your wardrobe now, and the whole palace will probably know about it, if you ever done wrong with Genya.
When you take you places on the bed you notice, that the man is still restless.
– Just try to fall asleep, - his hand twitches under your soft touch. – Don't think about anything else, okay?
He is silent, and you go on.
– I see how you talk to your people, Aleksander, I know that you are trying for them. Grisha are dedicated to you, because they know you care about them, - your fingers start brushing circles on the back of his hand. – Though, as I said, your methods are questionable for me.
– I want grisha not to be afraid anymore. Anyone.
– I know. But I can't advise you anything. I'm sorry.
He shakes his head, covering your hand with his.
– It's okay. I'm grateful, that you are here at all, and...
Emotions overwhelm him, and the general falls silent. Suddenly you move closer and hug him tightly, placing a chaste kiss on his brow.
– Shh, sleep. We will think about this in the morning
@aleksanderwh0r3 @all-art-is-quite-useless @carlywhomever @cynthianokamaria
#shadow and bone#shadow and bone imagine#shadow and bone x reader#shadow and bone fanfic#shadow and bone fanfiction#shadow and bone x you#grisha trilogy#the darkling#the darkling fanfic#the darkling fanfiction#the darkling x reader#the darkling imagine#the darkling x you
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Going in blind: Watching season 1 for the first time. Random thoughts.
This show is kind of nice because I have no memories of the original She-Ra show, or even any of He-Man, honestly. I'm not sure if I ever watched the original, so I have no frame of reference for how the series is "supposed" to be. I can just take it and judge it as is.
Of the bat, all I know is that supposedly She-Ra and Catra get together as a romantic couple later, but I'm also a huge My Hero Academia fan and the fandom around me ships every character with every other character, so for all I know that might just be shipper wishful thinking I've been seeing and hearing. Given fandoms for Gravity Falls, Thor, and Supernatural ship even siblings together, I've learned not to trust anything except for what I see in the series for myself.
By the way, this isn't a review, just random thoughts and comments I'm having as I'm going through season 1 for the first time.
Episodes 1 and 2: Right off, I really like Catra's "No duh" response to Adora about the truth of the horde. She knows they've been lying to them and have been doing terrible things, she just doesn't care. If she and Adora play their cards right they could end up being the ones in charge and then they'd have all that power. Not necessarily to make things better but enough to where they could do whatever and live however they want. That's a good build for an antagonist. Not ignorant to the fact what they're doing is wrong, just simply so selfish that they don't care.
Episode 3: It really feels like there was no good reason why Glimmer didn't just outright introduce Adora to her mother and every reason she should have known it was a bad idea to try and hide her for a surprise. Being a former horde soldier she'd probably get treated with hostility if Glimmer brought her to the front gate but you'd almost guarantee Adora would get arrested or outright killed if she got caught while no one else knew she was there.
On the other side, we have Hordak being pretty intelligent in promoting Catra. He probably knows Shadow Weaver already doesn't like him, so it's not like he's losing anything making her upset with him, and it's clear she favors Adora way more than Catra, so that little bit of advancement towards Catra probably goes a long way in earning her loyalty to him and a person on the inside with Shadow Weaver.
Also, I'm not the only one who saw Madam Razz and immediately thought Adora had found her Yoda, right?
Episode 4: I don't know how it was in the original She-Ra and He-Man series but I kind of like She-Ra being this title from legend. Adora is not the first She-Ra, given what Razz was talking about with a Mara, so instead of being something new, impressing everyone with abilities they've never seen before, and creating the legend, Adora is placed in a position WAY over her head where she's having to live up to what came before her.
Episode 5: Calling it now, as long as her personality is genuine I think Scorpia is going to be one of my favorite characters in this show. She's...endearing, I think is the best word. She's like a mix of Kronk and a nicer Shego.
For a little bit I thought Mermista was voiced by the same actress who played Poison Ivy in the Harley Quinn animated series. She's not but they do have the same kind of Daria-ish inflections, thus by confusion. Given the prom episode, Sea Hawk feels kind of like her Kite Man.
Episode 6: Okay, now it's between Scorpia and Entrapta who are likely to be my favorites by the end of this. She's fun and quirky.
Episode 7: Quite the lore drop. Shadow Weaver was once a Mystacor sorceress known as Light Spinner. I like to imagine we'll get more on that later. Her haunting Adora reminded me of the Teen Titans' episode where Robin was similarly haunted by Slade. This didn't go as far as that but that's probably for the best, since TT had two and a half seasons to build that dynamic up with Robin and Slade while we're only now halfway through the first season.
Episode 8: Well dang. Again, I don't know for sure if Adora and Catra do end up together but boy do I buy why they're shipped together after that dance. Also, good on Bow for standing up for himself. It's clear that he'll always be Glimmer's friend and this won't change that but that doesn't mean he has to just accommodate her. I understand where her issues stem from but I am still glad he gave her a reality check. It helps him feel a little more like his own character.
Also, another nice little bit of lore and worldbuilding. Scorpia's a princess, the horde landed where her people lived, and they seemed to join them willingly.
Episode 9: Surprisingly don't have a lot to say about this other than I don't buy for a second that Entrapta is dead (EDIT: She's not). This was mostly action.
Episode 10: Not going to lie, this one kind of annoyed me a little, at least the first half. The conversation between Glimmer and her mother saved it a bit. It was a bit of a trifecta. You have the alliance breaking apart, saying that the loss of Entrapta only happened because they were all together...even though Entrapta only "died" because of her own machine obsession that caused her to deliberately walk back into the purging chamber. You have Entrapta who might be turning to the horde's side because she feels abandoned by the other princesses...even though they thought she was dead, and again it was her fault they got separated. And you have Glimmer refusing to tell her mother that Shadow Weaver's dark magic has caused her powers to go on the fritz and is causing her great pain. It just feels like none of this would be an issue if most of these people would stop being self-absorbed for three seconds and talk like any normal person would. It feels very CW drama, like something I'd see in a bad season of Arrow or The Flash. The only person whose issues I buy is Adora, who is basically a soldier who was never properly raised to deal with emotion or loss and is already struggling with the burden of being She-Ra, the legendary savior. I get why she's beating down on herself for not being able to do more even if nothing that happened was her fault.
Episode 11: JEEEEEEEEEZZZZ, that was such a good episode! Focused entirely on Adora and Catra and their past together. Like, just showing someone this episode alone could probably get them to want to watch the series. That was everything you needed to know about their dynamic and history together.
Also, that moment when Catra and her past self are looking at each other, while obviously Catra takes the opposite lesson, it reminded me of this fanart I'd once seen of Jason Todd, the Red Hood, looking at his past self as Robin. The past says to the future "You ruined everything". Catra could be happy but, ironically for someone who hates Shadow Weaver, she's probably going to be a lot like her, sacrificing everything for power and ambition.
Given the way she looked, I'm guessing Shadow Weaver is either addicted to the power of the Black Garnet or she suffered some kind of past injury and its power is the only thing keeping her going. Or both.
Episode 12: I'll be honest, Swiftwind being able to talk kind of gobsmacked and I needed a moment to recover. What a great voice they chose for that character.
So She-Ra is kind of like the legendary heroes from Rising of the Shield Hero, coming from a long line of people chosen to wield the sword. I tend to dislike chosen one types of stories because I think prophecy takes a lot of weight out of the character's actions, so this and Avatar are more what I like. The MC is special but not the only one who's ever been special and they can still easily fail. Their destiny was only to be able to use the weapon, not that they would succeed in any specific purpose.
And dang, Catra's turn against Shadow Weaver happened faster than I thought it would but I'm not complaining. That great "This is what you've really been preparing me for" speech and Hordak, again, being an intelligent villain. "Oh, this experiment could net me a MASSIVE gain and all it could potentially cost me is this rock I already gave away to someone who lately hasn't been producing any results and has been consistently disobeying me. Yeah, I'm going to let this play out."
Episode 13: That was kind of a brutal fight between Adora and Catra. Not the worst I've ever seen even in other shows for this age range (Samurai Jack, for example) but those punches are connecting and those claws are leaving marks.
Also, maybe I'm just misunderstanding the exact situation but shouldn't the good guys' side be called the Resistance instead of the Rebellion? Being a rebellion would imply they are rebelling against an established power or rule over them, but the actual conflict we are shown is the established power and rule that is the kingdoms of Eternia resisting an outside force that wishes to establish a new order over them.
Season 1 verdict: I'm into it. I'm definitely more invested in the villains' side of things but that's not a fault of the series, that stuff is just way more geared towards me than the current princess stuff. I actively am at attention whenever the horde main characters are on screen. For the good guys it's mostly Adora and the She-Ra stuff I'm invested it. That isn't to say I have any real dislikes for that side. Bow especially I'm liking much more than I thought I might. He has kind of this gravitational pull around him. You will be his friend regardless of how much you might want to resist. He's definitely the rock for everyone else to hold onto.
Minor side note, kind of like Korra in Legend of Korra, I love how even when her powers aren't active Adora is shown to still be pretty strong physically with how easily she was lifting people up at the prom.
And I was right, Scorpia is my favorite side character.
On to season 2!
Original Reddit post: https://www.reddit.com/r/PrincessesOfPower/comments/nyll2e/going_in_blind_watching_season_1_for_the_first/
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hey, I hope this isn't too personal that it makes uncomfortable,but I'm kind of starting to learn about my sexuality and knowing that you're asexual I was just wondering how you figured it out, u know that ur asexual, and this might be the stupidest/longest question you've aver got but like if you fell in love with someone does things change and how did you deal with it?
No! It doesn’t make me uncomfortable at all. I know how tough it can be trying to figure things out and having someone tell about their own experiences can really help. This answer may end up being a little rambly (figuring stuff out was confusing for me and took years). This answer is long, so I hope it’ll help you.
If you have any questions, message me. I don’t mind talking about it :)
Basically, I never really questioned my sexuality at first. I grew up in a very open-minded household (my mum’s bisexual herself) and I always figured that I’d fall in love with whoever I fell in love with. If it was a girl, then it was a girl. If it was a guy, it was a guy. I never really experienced sexual feelings towards anyone, but I did like the idea of romance and intimacy (still do) so I figured it would come later when I met the right person. Sex was always taught to me by my parents and school as a natural thing that everyone will engage in and that you’ll start feeling those desires when you’re older. For me, I thought sex was weird (the idea of actually doing it or people actually having done it kinda seemed very weird to me), but it still interested me and I liked reading smut fics and having private me time ;)
When I had my first serious crush at 16/17 however, things got... complicated. He was a friend of mine from school and we began hanging out more during a school trip to America, at which point I began to slowly realise I kinda fancied him. However, even though I wanted to hang out with him and be with him and touch him (hold hands, etc.) and kiss him, I never thought about him in a sexual way (I tried once but had to stop after five seconds because... no). At that point, I had started to learn more about lgbt+ stuff (although my country is accepting, they can do a lot better in terms of education. basically all our sex ed was about heterosexual sex with one a few lose comments along the lines of “sometimes girls like girls and guys like guys” but nothing more in depth than that. The joke was mainly that you didn’t have to worry about getting pregnant.)
Nothing ever happened between me and the guy (we went on a double date once and flirted a little, but we were both too shy to do anything, and right now I’m kinda glad, seeing as I didn’t know I was asexual yet and having a romantic relationship would have made that whole thing so much more difficult), but it got me to question my sexuality, especially because I realised that even though I liked girls and thought they were beautiful and had strange feelings sometimes, I never wanted to have sex with them, but neither did I want to have sex with guys, making me question if I was bi again (which I am) (also, at this point, people kinda started thinking I was gay (friends and family), so that got me thinking too).
At this point, I knew about the asexual label, but I didn’t fully understand it (there was a lot of ace discourse happening back then, which didn’t help at all with making me feel like I was experiencing a normal thing). Having always been taught sex=love=sex, I thought that if you were ace you couldn’t have a relationship with anyone and would never be able to love anyone. I really did not want to be asexual, not wanting to die alone. Now, I know this is, of course, complete bullshit, but I was still figuring stuff out. I did find the gray ace label at that point, which offered me a bit more freedom, so I adopted that privately when I started university two years later, though I never came out to anyone.
At uni I came into contact with other lgbt+ people and we had a lot more academic discussions about gender and sexuality too, which made me question a lot of stuff again. I did more research on both gray ace and asexuality, and got more confident with the gray-ace label. On a holiday to London with one of my closest friends, I came out to them, and we talked and while she didn’t understand it, it did help me think about it more. That was the summer before my third year of university, which I would spend abroad in Edinburgh. Before leaving, I did more research on asexuality and got a more thorough understanding, and finally realised that maybe asexual described me better, so I adopted that label for my exchange year. There, I also didn’t come out, but I did more research and used the label privately for myself for half a year, before I finally came out to @chut-je-dors when I was certain it fitted me. I talked with her about asexuality and she kinda understood. That’s when I fully realised and accepted I was asexual.
Coming home that summer, I told my mum, who started to learn more about it too and then my step-dad. Then, last spring I accepted I was bi too, and that’s kinda where I’m at right now. I’m “out” in the sense that if anyone were to ask about my love life or sexuality, I would tell them, but because I’m generally quite private, I haven’t really told anyone else yet.
I’m sorry if this was rambly and i don’t know if any of what I told you will help in anyway, but basically, for me, it was a relatively long journey. I was lucky to grow up in an accepting environment, but still the lack of information and the negativity around asexuality really did not help me accept myself. I still struggle with it sometimes, but now I do like being asexual. I wouldn’t want to change it. It’s just who I am and I don’t miss it.
I did a lot of research on the internet (AVEN is a great resource, as well as youtube videos), and talked about it with people who I could trust, even if they didn’t know anything about asexuality themselves. But yeah, I really didn’t know I was asexual until I was 21 and even then, I didn’t fully accept myself completely until quite recently at 22/23. University was especially a struggle at times, because of certain courses I took where this kinda stuff around my sexuality came up, but it forced me to really look within myself and analyse myself and listen to what exactly i wanted, both in a relationship and sexually.
The important thing to keep in mind is that asexuality is a broad umbrella term and everyone’s experiences are different. People’s attitudes to sex are different, as well as if they still want a romantic relationship (I do, though I only experience romantic feelings for someone I have an emotional connection with) or not. Also, some things that you may be taught are sexual, aren’t necessarily that. I’m a very sensual person when it comes to romantic relationships and I love intimacy and closeness and touching, but actual sex is a big no for me (though I’m open for negotiations, as I may have forms of sex to satisfy my partner and for closeness with them, but it’s about intimacy, not sex. I can get it through other ways too). This means that my experience of sex is different from others, even if the act itself is similar. Lots of ace people also have kinks for example, but it’s about emotional trust and connection (or something else), rather than sex itself.
In terms of romantic relationships... I’ve only ever really wanted to date one guy and I didn’t. However, being in love didn’t change anything for me. I still liked him romantically, and I still see people who I fancy romantically or sensually or aesthetically. It’s just that I don’t want to have sex with them. However, as I’m quite neutral about sex, I’d be able to negotiate something with my partner if they want, but this depends on the partner as well as personal boundaries, which differ from person to person. Also, I didn’t really feel like dating anyone until last summer, because that’s when I figured out what kind of relationship I want. Now that I know who I am and what I want, i’m more comfortable putting myself out there and getting a romantic partner.
Asexuality can be rather frustrating when it comes to dating, however. It makes it a bit more complicated, because you have to be sure you’re compatible in bed as well. That doesn’t mean you can only date ace people when you’re ace, but it requires good communication. However, anyone should probably have good communication with their partners, so to a certain degree, I’d say it’s better because it forced you to do this. The important thing is to know what you want and what your boundaries are. But really, in terms of feelings towards another person, it’s not that different. I just don’t want to have sex with them, but I still want to be with them and do all the other stuff couples do. Sex is not a requirement for a good and healthy relationship :)
Aside from this, I had some very ace moments of walking with my friends in the streets and not noticing cute guys, because it’s not what I’m thinking about, or feeling weird when people bring up their crushes or sex life, because it seems so foreign and strange. Sometimes the idea that people actually have sex is still a bit weird to me. I just don’t have that desire with other people.
Anyway, I hope this someone helped you, at least a little bit. If you wanna talk more, please don’t be afraid to message me. Figuring out your sexuality can be lonely and I sure wish I had someone to talk about it back when I was first questioning myself. Just take your time and don’t worry too much. Stuff will make sense eventually.
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AFA Open-Chat Series with Tosin Oshinowo pt.2
Tosin: We are a very interesting conundrum, as a continent. We are a series of ethnicities, that were divided into countries in 1835. There isn't a singular identity for Nigerian, Congo, or Uganda or Ghana. We are a series of cultural groups, who by the lining of a boundary line of a country, have been told 'go, and become a standardized identity'. It doesn't exist. In Nigeria we have so many different cultures, if I go to the North, South or West - even what should have been our vernacular, is not the same. It's based on the terrains, it is based on the people, it is based on traditions.
This question of identity is one that I think is terribly fluid; and we were brought into modernism. Modernism was populated across the whole world not just in Africa, yes, in many terms it took the climate into consideration : modernism in Europe look absolutely different from Modernism in Tropical, to North and South Africa; and there are certain consistencies of modernism. But if we are looking for specific identities: I think we are just beginning to see that.
Covid came in as a material, and completely changed the game everywhere. Most of us, we are still building in concrete; a lot of the West builds with steel and they've got more advanced materials. We are stuck in the materials of early modernism, and we are now beginning to appropriate and create identities based off that. Although no one has really documented here, you start to see elements of identities when you step back; and you've to step back. And it's always at the end of a movement that you can actually see and categorize it as such. If I look at Architecture in Nigeria from the 80's, it's very specific and you can actually categorize it as such: the materials that were used and the scaling of the building tells me that. If I look at a building from the Northeast in Nigeria, you can tell that that was a period: by that type of windows that were used, spaces, and the finishes. We do have something, but it's not that distinct. That kind of vernacular and identity is a transition. But in a world where we have a globalization exposure; somebody who lives in Nigeria wants a house they saw in Florida. You've, then, to find interesting ways to carry that cultural identity in modern-day context. Yes, I do think there are nuances of identity but they're not strong in terms of very-striking particular form.
Moderator: With a number of architects in Nigeria, do you visually see an impact of the presence of architects currently in your country?
Tosin: I don't think so, but it's not because there are no architects, but how projects are executed. For example, there was an upgrade of an existing train station that was inaugurated recently by our President. But this was done by Chinese contractors, and it doesn't look anything like where it is located; it could've been a spaceship that was just dropped in. There was absolutely no local context included in it; and even the Institute were not aware. When you look at Singapore, there was a big emphasis on marrying local and foreign architects; and there was a cross of information. You can't improve a profession, if you don't allow them to be part of innovative process. When that happens, what value does it add or make of us, if no local consultancy is involved? That biggest impact to show a strong physicality norm of infrastructure on a government-led project, where the government is not involving local practitioners then you can't see the impact.
Moderator: We are dealing with the same issues here in Rwanda, we are struggling to make understand the importance of having an architect in the community.
Tosin: As Africans we need to make an effort to upscale ourselves as well. Some areas, some architects are still drawing-by-hand. Who's going to call you when you're drawing-by-hand. There are no excuses today. With the information age, everything is online. If you want to learn something, you can learn it. Software companies aren't accommodating to the situation that we have in this part of the world. If you look at a dollar and naira; the naira is like a nonexistent entity that happens to be a dot in the atmosphere compared to a dollar. When you earn in a country with a slightly lower GDP, if you look at GDP per capita, the reality is that the economy is going to determine how much people can afford to build, and to pay towards professionals' fees. If the software is x amount, how do you expect a local consultant to pay for it? Because in this market you cannot command a high fee. What I'd expect is that for these programmers and software companies were really thinking about the professionals; they would make it affordable for a local person because they won't have to kill themselves to get a Revit license. What you happen to have here in a lot of situations, is that people just use bootlegs; but the problem with that is you're not part of the community. When innovations are happening, when new programs are being added, you're not even aware of that information. Information is there, but that barrier of money is also very present.
Moderator: We need to raise awareness of that issue, especially even for students; as soon as they graduate they're not going to be able to afford it right away.
Tosin: They need to scale it for us based on economies. I know the West doesn't consider us. For example, if buying an Iphone in Nigeria is different than buying an Iphone in Europe. Some people's whole salary here is the price of an Iphone and less. And they have a better system on how to acquire these things. We are in a skewed environment, but it is still much better than what it would have been in the 60's.
Moderator: Looking then, architects were sketching to the last detail of a building. Do you think we should still invest ourselves in that way?
Tosin: We live in a global world, and Africa is left much farther and farther behind. It's worrying how much attention is not being paid to it. I was looking at a project done by Mass Design and they're doing a lot of work in Africa. One of the biggest selling-point is that they have skills, and exposure to research that a local practitioners doesn't have. This is a good age for an American Firm to give back, and they're a not-for-profit organization and it's of value, with policy about social change. It's a good thing, but the reality irrespective if they were doing it or not, these are necessary projects: schools hospitals, etc.. These are necessary projects irrespective if a foreign company was coming in, it has to be done! But the government are more willing to give that project to a foreign consultant because they have the skills. Even not just the government, a private client in Nigeria will pay a lot of money to a foreign consultant because they believe they are getting the best. What happens to people who are pushing boundaries, who are trying to produce work that is global anywhere? This puts you in an awkward position.
If we don't upscale ourselves, we are going to get further and further behind. Those who have the choice, will rather not use local consultancy. This is not just based on being a good designer, it's about being conscious of what's happening globally. It's about exposing ourselves on technology, and innovation; and bringing that into your work as well.
Moderator: It's a competitive market.
Tosin: Yes, and I think this is something architects don't realize: you can't tell anyone how to spend their money. It is a market and it's an open market. The sooner we realize that we must equip ourselves with skills to stay ahead, then we will put ourselves in a better position.
Moderator: I hope students are listening. Get into the most complicated and innovative way of design and build, and excel in that; and do something that local markets aren't doing currently. I have been 5 years in the career, and I know, I'm still far and I'm pushing myself to learn and excel at these. I'm really glad you highlighted it. How would you advise women architects to invest in their career?
Tosin: I think everybody needs to understand the importance of strategies in life, and not just in the profession - especially; as a woman. How many children do you want? Do you want children? Have you thought about how you'll balance life with having children with work? Will there be a point where you'll focus more on your children? Will you be doing half and half? Everybody's approach is different, but you must be intentional. You can't just let life happen to you. You have to decide, 'what do I want?'. When I look back in 30 years, what do I want to have achieved? If you don't have a class strategy or a plan, then that's the beginning of failure; because life will happen to you. And there's no right or wrong. But whatever decision you make, you must make a conscious decision. If you want to be a stay-at-home mom, there's nothing wrong with that - but decide that's what you wanted. If you want to be a working professional with working children, decide that's what you want, and again, there's no right or wrong. For any person who's at the beginning of their career, look at your goals, and make conscious decisions. And follow through! Life will change your plans.
I always get confused when I see people letting life just happen to them. How did you not think? And the sad thing is life is very short.
I'm 41 now. I see people who are 26, and I tell them, go turn the world! And they' tell me they don't have the time. You have all the time in the world. The older you get, the more you realize that this journey is very short. I'm already half-way, and eventually things are going to start working properly. I've 20 years of professionalism, I've done half of it. Am I happy with the decision I made? Will I continue on this path? Even on my journey, I'm conscious of the decision, I've made, and what I'm trying to achieve. And ultimately, one of my biggest goals is I want to leave a legacy of work. And this is just for me, it might not be somebody else's plan. But I want my great-great-grand-children to know that their great-great-grand-mother added value. I don't want my country to put a plaque on my name, but my children's children who did not meet me, know that their grandma was hard-working. That for me is enough, and that means that I have done my job.
Moderator: Definitely, and I'll check again, but I haven't seen another African woman who has been featured this much, either on Archdaily or other things as well. You are being intentional.
Tosin: Yes, even as a practice now, when I see what I've achieved, I wonder what can I achieve on a global stage? How do I start building networks, and tactical points on how I can build a project in this region? It's no longer impossible in mind. And I've realized that there's so much you can do, without being in a fixed location. I realize now I can work in a global capacity. BurnaBoy won a grammy. For Nigeria, that means a lot. Talent has no geography. If you're good at what you do, the world will come and look for you
.
Moderator: You have to have a target. As an architect, do I want to stick to what's existing or do I want to do more than that?
Tosin: There's nothing wrong with that. Because everybody can't be the super-star; that's the reality. There has to be a place for everyone. Just be intentional. And as you excel, you can check where you want to go next. We all have different paths.
Moderator: Whichever level you're at, try to improve what's existing and make an impact; and that's what our career is about. What can architects do, to improve Gender Equity in the profession? What are males can do to level your ground?
Tosin: We don't live in Utopia. If you are waiting for people to give you a seat at the table, go and take the chair yourself. No one is going to handle you anything. We have this problem in Nigeria, everybody is waiting for government; what can you do, yourself? Don't wait for anyone. Do what you can do within the limits of your environment. People who are successful do not wait for hand-downs, as they do not get you anywhere. We are born into different situations.
Moderator: What practices can someone do professionally and personally to find their niche in the architectural field.
Tosin: That's a very open-ended question. Look at your strengths and your weaknesses. Make sure you try to amplify your strengths. As a professional, you must need balance.
Moderator: What career advice would you give to fresh graduates?
Tosin: Go work for someone first. Learn the ropes. It's a lot easier to start under tutelage of somebody else. Learn from somebody else's mistakes. When you have gained a certain level of confidence, you can step out on your own.
Moderator: What thoughts would you like to share with the world, about the importance of inclusivity?
Tosin: I don't like to wait for the world, but the profession could be more inclusive, not just for the female architects but for the African architects, in general. We have always been at a large disadvantage, as innovation is happening in the fourth revolution, we are getting further and further behind. I'm very conscious of it, because I'm paying attention. For the example I gave of Autodesk, actually looking at the realities of our economies of scale, and pricing the software to something that we can afford, would be a massive help. Those are things we don't control.
Moderator: I think we have got everything covered for this interview, Tosin; I can't thank you enough.
Tosin: I also want to thank you. I started following you because particularly I was interested to see what other women were doing. I was pleasantly surprised that I'm not alone in this. It's nice to see other people doing interesting things as well; and it's a warming feeling to know that you're not alone. And I really enjoy your Instagram Page.
Moderator: Thank you very much. How accessible are you, and how can young architects reach you, for mentorship and more career advices?
Tosin: It's becoming a little difficult to be honest. I do have some people I do mentor now. I have someone I mentor from Bahamas, London, and in Lagos. It's becoming a little difficult with everything that I'm handling. If you send me an email, and you have a very specific question, I'll always answer because I know the importance of the people who also supported me when I was a young professional, and please be very specific.
Moderator: On this topic, I actually love this mentorship rotation you do on your sites
Tosin: On Thursday's every two weeks, I try to carry people along. I was actually surprised about how many people followed with a thousands of views on Instastory. Even highlighting the sites that way online is useful. If you're interested, please continue to watch that. I didn't realize it was a thing, but I know it's a thing.
Moderator: It's very much a great thing you're doing! Thank you so much for your time Tosin, if we have more questions we will cover them in other series in the future. We are thankful to have you as an advisor, and your enthusiasm is really great for us - I wouldn't be here otherwise.
Tosin: And keep it up as well! Thank you so much for having me!
Thank you for reading and to everyone who participated in this live and is supporting this platform and helping it grow.
Written & Edited by Lise Isaro, founder of AFA.
Published 21 August 2021
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