#i also submitted my work on time today
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just got a 13k word update for a story i am obsessed with that was last updated in 2015 so, uh. yeah. don’t mind me, i’m just reading this as slow as i can to savour the fuck out of it.
#i also submitted my work on time today#the first time in months it’s happened#so i was already reeling from that experience#and now this.#it feels like some sort of cosmic positive reinforcement#i haven’t even touched the chapter itself im just back reading bc it’s been months#and oh my good the anticipation is killing me#this is a story that was ousted in 2012#it’s not even that long. this is only ch9#okay enough fanfirling im gonna. go read it now#literally can’t even type the typos in this my god#pen’s whining
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i have a confession 🧍♀️
#i might be forbidden twin lane#sam's post today almost made me fall to the floor#and when the band posted them last week#also probably should've seen this coming bc one time i found out about an assignment 12 hours before the deadline#and i wasted an hour watching sam edits#i still had the work done on time but my wifi fucked up so it was submited a minute late :/#maybe i just really like men with long hair honestly
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me puttingon the filters "remote" and "data science major" on this job site from my university and just scrolling thru and applying to a ton that don't need cover letter without reading the qualifications/requirements 😀
#data science major is enough LMAO i'm slightly qualified at least right#if they get back to me i can read/reconsider LOL#bitch has to write a goddamn cover letter at some point tho lmfao#tmrw i'm getting together w my friend who also needs to apply for jobs i'll surely write a cover letter then right for shore#bro there's this unpaid internship that is like pretty fitting for me#but it's fucking unpaid which is so annoying lmfao#didn't realize it was unpaid until today (i saw it like yesterday lmao)#anyway looked at my email and reminded that i have to reply to an email abt a job i actualy have rn lmao 😭#and just didn't do this semester#but i want/need to get back to it#but i've spent the last week rotting and doing absolutely nothing#idk where the motivation to do things is gonna come from LOL but we gotta do it#i gotta put work time like scheduled out in my gcal or smth to make myself actually do it :\#and even then it probably won't rly happen lol#ig i spent the last while lying here clicking apply -> submit resume to all these jobs that don't need anything else LOL#so i'm not completely doing nothing 😀#i also have done a bunch of club stuff 😀 for the club that i am no longer director for but ya know#i need to wash my hairrrrrrrrrr lmao ;-;#jeanne talks
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#okay so i just officially finished my last (ever) uni assignment for my post grad#like earlier today I submitted it after an all-nighter battling the evil procrastination perfectionism demons#and all day ive been really unsettled and on edge and like not able to focus (despite having slept after submitting it)#and for reference this piece of work has been hanging over me for a full on year bc I deferred it due to bad brain time#so like ive not fully relaxed without feeling guilty in a year and it's so goddamn bizarre to not feel bad for doing something nice#but yeah anyway tomorrow I'm gonna play music for the first time in a long time and visit my gran#Oh also the work doesn't have to be brilliant i just need enough to scrape a pass in the module and I'll be happy tbh#anyway if you've read all this 1. why? 2. love ya 3. peace out#personal
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a lot of my teachers this year have randomly complimented me on my writing even when the class largely has nothing to do with it and tbh??!??! it's really nice and it makes me want to write more?!?!?!!?!?!
#i thought i was bad at it but i think it's just bc i had to write so many academic essays that i stopped having time for creative writing#but i was shocked today because i had a one-on-one with my painting teacher which was basically my final#it wasn't even a crit just a talk basically about my painting#and i had to submit a write-up in advance about what i learned through the process of that class basically#so anyway when i got to the one-on-one the first thing he did was thank me for the write-up and he was like 'clearly you love writing'#'you're a good writer'#and i was like what!?!?!??!?!?#BECAUSE#im not trying to brag SERIOUSLY but i wrote it really fast and i didn't think it was that crazy#but it meant a lot coming from him because he's probably the most articulate and insightful teacher i've ever had#and also he like has a degree in english LOL#and he said i was a storyteller... so anyway..... i almost cried in the club immediately#well anyway. top ten moments#also my art history professor who i deeply respect wrote a very thoughtful comment on my work today to tell me that she thinks#that i 'have a true talent for written visual analysis' and to 'take her word on it'#BOTH OF THESE MOMENTS?? IN THE SAME DAY?!??!!?!#sorry for 18 paragraphs of bragging but i was truthfully floored#i am always floored when people compliment my writing because lowkey i am hugely insecure about it and feel like i can't articulate shit#like so insecure i cant even write lyrics for songs im like 'i have nothing to write about' man stfu just make shit up its called FICTION#anyway....#top ten days of my life
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it actually makes me so angry that people are not there for you the way you need them but in a way that wants to make them feel good
#i'm pissed my friend just came to visit me at midnight on her way home bc she's leaving for california when i told her not to come#*she's leaving for california tomorrow#my uncle had to be taken to the hospital over the weekend and has been on the ventilator and she didn't call me at all to check in on how i#was doing and sent a text super late with a general how are you text because i've also been working on my qualifying exams#and i told her that was i was surprised she hadn't called me then and she said she was trying to give me my space (???????????)#meanwhile i've been dealing with stupid roommate drama and she knows that it wouldn't be ok for her to come and told her multiple times not#to and she thought i was being polite or something? when i said 'i literally do not want you to come'#there's actually been so much shit going on in my life and instead of coming when i needed you you're coming now that you have no other#time to come. i needed her this whole time and she's just been unavailable and socializing with other people and otherwise preoccupied#i do not need you to come at midnight to show me that you care it feels so disengenous#meanwhile while she was doing her phd apps i was literally glued to her side read her drafts was there for her emotionally was there#IN THE MOMENT as she was submitting them and even when she was finding out from programs and i was upset with her i was following up with#her and calling her every day. i really hate everything#i'm writing all this because i'm angry and i'm angry that i feel guilty for being upset with her when she just came over even though#i literally told her i didn't want her to come and suddenly it feels like it's my fault even though i know it's not#even today while she was on the phone she was just talking about shit going on in her life maybe to fill in the space that i wasn't filling#but like are you serious?#god i'm so upset i already can't concentrate on my work
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I know I’m overthinking which makes me feel even worse
#literally stressing over something that is not a big deal at all#I have to send in my hours#so they can work out my pay#so I emailed them yesterday because the guy was like email them by the 25 or earlier but the 25 is a Sunday and idk when he does the payment#thingy.#but I work wed-fri#so technically I could have added today and maybe tomorrow to the email#but that makes it harder to keep a track of personally like I’d rather submit a whole week than random days#also yeah we get paid on the 28th so I’m sure he’d rather them earlier so he has time to do it?#like I say it’s not a big deal but I feel so anxious about it#but I can litch just. email him this week’s hours if he asks#also my colleague says she sends her hours by the 20th and I should try do the same#okay I feel less anxious now#enjoy this fucking mess if you’re still here x
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#i had another meeting with a potential phd advisor today. idk how i feel abt it#i think i wasnt at my best bc im so very very exhausted#which is 1000% my fault bc i was at my fireds house until like 11 ans probably overextended socially#but i dont think it was awful. i think i asked thr right questions. he seems pretty hands off#i think hes pretty successful with a big lab and his own lab space. the research is super cool#but i think if i go that way itll be a big challenge so idk#agh im so tired. and i have to go sampling again tomorrow. idk what im gonna do#i guess ill have to get up at like 5.30 to prep for field work. go to the store at 6#then i have a meeting at 7am and at 8 im going out to the feild probably until at least 3pm#so no getting stuff done for me i guess rip#actually its even more fucked bc i think were leaving Thursday night for more field work all weekend#hhhh so that means tonight i probably need to fucking transfer algae#and i have to give an lecture to a class next week so idk when im gonna make that presentation and practice. i guess i prob only habe to do#20min but i think feel like i might have to do the whole 50min so fuck me i guess#but also i need to find time to code a bunch of bullshit and write. i really need to write#and im just waiting on my boss to submit a recommendation before i have my 1st application done#hhh i just wanna sleep :-( im all wrung out. idk what im gonna do. freak the fuck out maybe idk#i just wanna draw :'( why does the universe say no?#unrelated#how tf is it only Tuesday?
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guess who finally gets to do their teacher evaluation on their shitty clinical professor? :D
#I HAVE BEEN WAITING FOR THIS MOMENT ALL FUCKING SEMESTER#I HAVE SAID AT LEAST HALF A DOZEN TIMES THAT I CANNOT WAIT TO TEAR HER APART IN THE COMMENTS#i had a makeup clinical today with a different professor and it was the best clinical experience of my life#(also we did post conference at barnes and nobles and there was a starbucks there and i got a cupcake which was awesome)#i've been working on this thing for like 45 minutes at this point#i think i've answered all the 'the professor was a dick and a hardass and condescending and unhelpful and didn't seem to give a shit that#she's been a nurse longer than i've even been alive so us first-year nursing students are not nearly as experienced as she is & her job#should be to help us and guide us and not to reprimand us and chastise us for harmless things she doesn't like' questions#now i'm on the 'we've had to do double the amount of paperwork as the other clinical groups because god forbid the school lay out to the#professors and students what we're supposed to do and when we brought it up the head of the department basically went 'fuck you'' questions#i've ranted about this shit so fucking much and it's so nice to finally get to submit it (anonymously) to the school where they can#actually see how much they suck and how shitty an experience this is#god i miss my old school#(i'm glad im not there tho bc if i was living on campus i wouldn't have gotten a second cat and flynneas takes precedence over everything)
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I fucked up
but it’s okay
#it’s only Monday and my stress levels are very stress#1) still haven’t submitted assignment that was due last Thursday#plan on getting that turned in by midnight today#just have to edit it#2) meeting with boss on wednesday#stressful bc I now have to prove my dedication/worth to my boss#all bc of a series of miscommunications#it’s also weird because like idk#the reason I’m ‘behind’ is bc I waited for her to have time to show me how processing works#cause I’ve never done it before#and she didn’t really explain to me that I needed to jump in and figure it out myself#so I spent last month watching webinars and reading archive articles#and occasionally looking at/going through the collection I picked#now that I know this is basically a self guided internship#which is ironic since she’s been like now that you have a mentor#and our schedules do not work well together#she told me last week I improved#and she just needs to keep seeing that#basically as long as I’m learning something related to local history or genealogy or archives#it’s all good#and that is what I’m doing#but she told me children’s services might be a better fit and at the time I was like too shaken to really think it through#my confidence has returned tho and 100% im going to stick with archives
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#Wooh submitted my diploma work today#god it’s such a fucking relief#it’s been kicking my ass lately#also the pediatrics consultant im assigned to let me go early today because she knew I had to submit it#got pleasantly tipsy while I was psyching myself up to get ready to meet some friends#but tbh I don’t know that I have the energy to leave my apartment#wanna ride this good vibe all the way to bedtime#I’ll go out tomorrow night instead#god I’m so fucking happy 😃#though if anybody looks in my window right now#it’s just me lying on my couch in a dress and heels with a glass of red wine#but for the first time in weeks I feel like I have a moment to breathe
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I just uploaded probably the words videos I’ve ever made for class but at least they’re submitted 👍
#this is what I get for not doing it when I had free time#but also to be fair I’ve been at work a lot and my free time is when I’m laying in a broken pile in my bed#with my entire body screaming at me#so I think I get some leeway#anyways#glad I didn’t have work today cause if I did then there would have been no way I finished this on trine#I’m sleepy now#time to sleep and then get onto the next project I have to do before I go to work#void rambles#I’m trying really hard to not like my perfectionism keep me from submitting things I hate that I made#like trying to keep ‘anything is better than a zero’ mindset#cause if I don’t then I just won’t submit any work
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:P
#bro my roommate's bf is here and not her being like#he apparently has a coding project due at 8am and they're probably gonna be up super late working on it#like here#together#like girl . ok ur already gonna do it ig but like#ur not gonna be like silent lmfao and this a small one bedroom#also i haven't done SHITTTTTT today#mainly bc project due last night and then i just decide to do nothing lol ig break that i don't deserve#bc i didn't do shit for that project oops 🤩#anyway also bc i can't rly focus well in my apartment that well at all in the first place lol#and then also when my roommates bf is here even more#anyway lemme try to do some work lmao 😭#i also haven't done shit bc this weekend was crazy lol#submitted the project last night and then i was like fuck it's fucking monday tmrw like the weekend is over#what the fuck kinda weekend was that lol not just bc of the project but also bc glowstick#also doesn't that mean he'll just be here until 8 bc hes appparently not finishing the project#so r u telling me hes gonna do work here until 8 am or is he gonna drive like the hour back to his place or whatever idk how long it acc is#in like the middle of the night after working on this for who knows how long#and also losing that time to work on this when he's alr not gonna finish it#idk not my problem other than i don't super love that they;re just doing it here lmfao but#jeanne talks
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still can’t do my papers and can’t even do the bare minimum to get two more incompletes 🙃🙃🙃 I mean I don’t have a choice I’ll have to but oh my god what has happened to me
#my other prof was like. idk if you’re gonna pass with only two of the three assignments you need because you failed your exam remember#and I was like oh right I forgot about that#and she suggested an incomplete 🙃#my other professor also suggested an incomplete 🙃 but in order to get that one done I have minimum seven small papers to do#all are done asap tonight and I haven’t started any of them bc when I think about them I seize up#grad adventures#it’ll be okay if I can just get the work in but oh my god#it shouldn’t be hard to write seven one page papers an annotated bibliography and one 3-5 page grant proposal and yet here we are#and none of it matters if the graduate council declines my petition to extend my thesis proposal deadline bc if they do then I fail so 🙃#anyway yeah I’m being hard on myself today but also I’ve had the last three weeks to work on these things and I haven’t been able to do its#my own fault really#ANYWAY it’s my as scheduled breakdown time and when it’s over I’ll (hopefully) be able to submit the bare minimum to get my incompletes#and this time I’ll do the damn work on time so I don’t have to petition the graduate council bc I think they’re gonna actually kill me#the good news is in a few weeks I’m restarting the medical processes of let’s find out what the fuck is physically wrong with isadora again#and that I might actually get answers bc my aunt (a doctor) is pissed off that mine doesn’t listen to me#and is going to make some calls 🙃
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I desperately just want to sleep
#I have free time during the day and I would have even more if I didn't need to take naps so it's not revenge procrastination#but the problem is I also procrastinate stuff in the day#I'm getting worse ay worse at doing my school work and trying my best to get better at going to bed#but I'm just tired of this#even when I finally do manage to get a therapist who I can see (got tests from one asked for a woman went to a woman found out she#was leaving the practice at the end of the month to do only virtual and she couldn't do virtual with me since I live too far away legally)#it'll take forever to be able to fix that and I can't wait that long#I'm struggling to get myself to catch up on soanish assignments and I feel so ashamed turning things in a week or more late even though I#know it doesn't get counted off for late work#bc in the past if I put one off or genuinely forgot about it it was rare so I could just say I forgot to submit it#but I currently have 6 or 7 I believe assignments open due sometime in the last month that I have not done#it's not all my work#just some of it#I didn't do school last week because of pain stuff and a wrist problem and I started again today trying to catch up but instead of doing#my math and eating a late dinner I read for an hour and a half#nor did I finish my review for the show I watched earlier tonight so I'll have to do it tomorrow before my other show#I had a bagel at 12:20 am because I just needed something to eat#I haven't practiced piano in months except maybe once#I'm a lead in the school play and just trying to do my best#I'm still trying to cope with all the loss I suffered in november and december#and half the time instead of working even though I know I should even though it's killing my anxiety I just. don't. I watch shows#or videos or I re read fanfic (some parts of which I've read more than twice) or I scroll tumblr#and the only tips for adhd symptoms that therapist gave me after the test results came back were on focus and focus isn't the problem#right now it's doing it period and I need to be awake in 4 and a half hours and I'm so so tired of this#and it's like every day my parents bring up my sleeping with me. I know I promise I'm trying but it just makes me angry#or they're annoyed with me for not eating but I just#I'm so tired#vent#vent tw
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we’re postponing the cookies again & my AD is bumming me out / irking me after hours so. back to having yet another lackluster week
#idk how to interpret getting a ‘check-in’ that’s also a friendly reminder after work hours#I don’t have the bandwidth for any notes or critiques or even a friendly nudge in the right direction rn#so many small things I did today ended up being the wrong thing to do#thought I had til 2PM to finish my work but the cut off time gotta pushed up to 1:30pm#I submitted files in the wrong folder#I submitted those files in a folder I didn’t need to. also the wrong format#because they’re in the wrong format they won’t be looked at today. gotta wait til Tuesday#like a one mistake has a 5 day consequence#then I corresponded with this person but not these two people about uploading my work#because I couldn’t decide which line of communication to inform and gave up on guessing. this one person from production will be enough#and I guess it was enough of an issue it couldn’t wait til tomorrow. had to hear about it on my off hours#all these mistakes are small but I’ve been blundering for weeks it feel like#*feels#so they don’t feel small anymore they feel like an avalanche#and to be reached out during my off hours doesn’t feel like a good sign#I don’t know what to say#do I apologize? explain? affirm I got the memo? like what do I say#the perpetual confusion I’ve experienced this month has undone me so much#like if I gave myself the time to ask questions#maybe I would’ve avoided so much stress for myself let alone other people
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