#i Had to pause ep 21 four minutes in to make this
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#mysterious lotus casebook#lian hua lou#xiao zijin#i can't believe my first mysterious lotus casebook/lian hua lou post is about xiao zijin#i Had to pause ep 21 four minutes in to make this#why is he compelling. loser#maybe i'll really end up writing that pre-canon xzj->lxy confused & frustrated crush with side fantasies of domination. sigh
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reaction post typed while watching Good Omens (ALL OF IT)
my favourite novel is now my favourite mini-series and IT’S SO BEAUTIFUL
under the cut: a very long, spoilery six-episode reaction to MY NEW FAVOURITE THING EVER
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may 31st 07:36pm nz
i posted my episode 1 reaction a couple hours ago but that got ZERO NOTES so i assume people are either avoiding spoilers or aren’t interested, which is fine, but i’m just gonna put all my reactions in one big post so anyone who IS interested doesn’t have to read 6 separate posts c:
edit june 1st 04:08am: btw i watched using a free trial on amazon prime, which i’m pretty sure is worldwide. soooo if yOU WANT TO WATCH THIS, YOU CAN, FOR FREE
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EPISODE 1: In the Beginning
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04:03pm
idk how much i’m gonna type, whether i’ll post a reaction to the entire thing in one post....... or how much i’ll end up watching right now
kinda want to spread it out and save it as a treat for after i’ve done some writing
but right now i wanna watch before writing
so maybe i’ll do one ep, write something, then return to this?
edit: aahhaha that didn’t happen
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04:04pm
I’M SO EXCITED
I’VE BEEN WAITING SO LONG
well... since 2011 when i first read the book
but regardless it’S BEEN 84 YEARS
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04:05
okay first off i did not know amazon prime did adverts at the start of their videos. so i was like SINCE WHEN WAS CHILDISH GAMBINO/DONALD GLOVER IN GOOD OMENS
and then
yeah
no
either way i thought it was a good opening
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W A R
NING
cool cool cool cool cool
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omg i’m used to where the netflix full-screen button is, and on amazon prime that’s the “next episode” button so i gotta be real careful
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dear god my video quality is TERRIBLE
i.......... i might torrent this show and watch it offline
this is horrendous i can’t see a damn thing
i have never seen pixels this big
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04:11
okay the quality calmed down after a minute
i loooove the intro, i love that it’s basically word for word from the book
i feel like i’d find it funnier if i hadn’t read the book 3 months ago
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also? god is a woman? yes
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04:13
is it just me or does the snek have a slightly david tennant-esque quality about it
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i’m so happy adam and eve are black
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04:17
omfg. aziraphale said “ineffable” and now CRAWLEY’S CHECKING HIM OUT TRYING TO SEE IF HE HAS ANY JUNK
WOW
...or y’know, looking for a flaming sword. SAME FUCKING THING.
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also i looove how FLUFFY azi is
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azi: “do hope i didn’t do the wrong thing”
i fucking love them both uhrgughhhuhuhughuhhh
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04:21
small sob for cuteness
umbella wings
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04:23
in the opening titles, crowley just stopped a spaceship and aziraphale turned it into fish
i feel like that was a douglas adams reference and i’m on board
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04:25
the entire time i read the book, up until i saw video promos of this show, i thought “crowley” was said the same way as spn’s “crowley”, as in “crahwlee”
not “crOhwlee”
i definitely like that they’re different though
both probably named after aleister crowley tbh. all of whom are queer.
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THOSE SWAYING HIPS
i haven’t found david tennant attractive in about 9 years but WHOOOP HELLO AGAIN
somehow attractive for entirely different reasons than before. like. my taste changed but tHEN
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i’m on crowley’s side, taking down a cellphone network is VERY ANNOYING
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04:35
crowley: shitshitshitshithsit
:D
i can’t wait for aziraphale’s big swear
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04:37
i miss eating sushi
sushi was great
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04:43
this baby delivery thing is sTRESSFUL
“aaaaurthurrrrr”
nooo
poor lady
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04:45
“little toesie woesies”
where’s the sister mary loquacious fan club and where do i sign up
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i’m glad they colour-coded the babies and did the playing card explanation because this part of the book always tied my brain in knots
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05:00
this is reminding me how utterly gross england is
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“MY POINT IS............. DOLPHINS”
YES
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05:06
see in the book
i never once realised that the nanny was crowley in disguise
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05:11
digging the snake tattoo sideburns
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05:14
and yeah the short hair looks good
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05:15
fINALLY crowley called azi “angel”
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05:17
crowley: “oh no no don’t do your magic act, pleeease”
the magic act scene is one of my fave parts of the book <3
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05:20
aw man they cut out the best part
i mean i get why
the kids shouted a bunch of gay slurs at aziraphale
and there were no secret service people with guns
but aw mannn
AND THEY CUT OUT THE BIT WITH THE DEAD DOVE AND CROWLEY BRINGS IT BACK TO LIFE FOR AZIRAPHALE
THAT WAS MY SINGLE FAVOURITE BIT OF THE BOOK
AND IT’S GONE
;C
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OH WAIT
THERE’S THE DOVE
OH GOOD
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aw man aziraphhale just brought it back himself
i liked it better in the book
they sat on the steps outside and crowley comforted azi and took the dove and fixed it for him, and then it flew off
idk i just had such a perfect image of that moment in my mind and this was..... good but not the same at all
could be gayer
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05:27
good dog
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05:28
crowley: *snifsnif* something’s changed
aziraphale: “oh it’s a new cologne, my barber suggeste--”
crowley: “no no i know what you smell like”
gayyyyyyyyyy <3
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05:31
okay that’s ep 1 watched!!! i’ll watch more maybe later tonight :D
ENJOYING THIS SO FAR
not as gay as expected ........YET
needs 400% more “angel” and “dear”
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EPISODE 2: The Book
07:42pm
pillar of salt guy: “something smells evil”
the fact crowley smells evil and yet aziraphale likes his company regardless says a lot
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07:49
fully expected crowley to say “i didn’t fall, i sauntered vaguely downwards”
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07:50
iiiii’m finding the narrator a little annoying
maybe it’s because i read the book so i know what’s going on
but saying “he has four items to deliver in his van. he works for this postage company and he’s making his first delivery in a formal warzone”.... idk i feel like all of those things could be shown visually? saying it rather than showing it probably saved seven seconds of airtime, but damn
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07:56
i wonder if the narrator was a later addition to this, for new audience clarity? the script for god just seems a little stilted, idk
edit: i kind of got used to it, but it was still jarring, which i’m sure was the opposite of the intended effect
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08:09
the saddest newt
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08:13
she’s kind of exactly how i imagined her in the book
and definitely my fave next to aziraphale and crowley
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08:17
i feel so bad for crowley’s plants
poor babies
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08:19
for some reason i imagined her as a redhead. kind of more like mrs weasley
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08:33
these wee children......... so soft.......... so smol
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08:25
v happy with the casting for pepper
tiny downside is that we lose another redhead
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08:29
i find the kids’ conversations hilarious because they’re the same age as harry potter when he goes to hogwarts the first time
idk if this is what eleven year olds are like in real life, but when i read the book i did feel distinctly like they spoke like eight year olds
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08:35
crowley: “i like spooky. big spooky fan, me”
he just sounds like the tenth doctor
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08:36
YEEE FINALLY CROWLeY DOING NICE THINGS FOR AZIRAPHALE
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08:48
"you know, crowley, i’ve always said that deep down you really are a--”
“SHUT IT”
DON’T YOU CALL HIM NICE YOU PRETTY BASTARD
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loquacious: “sorry to break up an intimate moment”
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08:45
i imagined anathema’s tripod thing to be about 5 feet tall, not a cute little knee-high thing
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08:48
freddie mercury: BIIIII CYCLE
BIIIIIIII CYCLE
yeah i was waiting for that
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crowley: “get in, angel”
HE MURMURED
DON’T MURMUR YOUR TERMS OF ENDEARMENT noo
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09:00
end of episode 2!!! i freaking loved aziraphale vs the book <3
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the credits for this ep credit konnie huq as someone named pam but idk who that is? i had a crush on konnie huq as a kid when she was a presenter on “blue peter”
OH WAIT RIGHT the lady on the breakfast show on crowley’s tv. aw such a small part. hoping we’ll see her again later
edit: nope. might rewatch that part to pay more attention. obviously i didn’t even recognise her after like.. 15 years
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EPISODE 3: Hard Times
09:05pm
brb gotta get some food
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09:14
and now i wait for food
EPISODE THREE LET’S GO
is this the one that’s just crowley and azi’s backstory?
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09:16
i can’t even put my finger on why but he’s getting more attractive
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09:21
ah yes
aziraphale is eating shellfish and trying to tempt crowley
“oh... that’s your job”
i love this part of their dynamic
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09:29
i adore when crowley makes aziraphale smile <3
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09:43
SAUNTERED VAGUELY DOWNWARDS
YEE
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i like seeing how crowley’s sunglasses differ throughout history
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09:36
“if they knew i’d been... fraternising”
this is such a forbidden romance i love ittttt
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09:49
CROWLEY SAVED THE BOOKS
and SOFT VIOLIN PLAYS
THIS IS A FUCKING LOVE STORY
k this is my favourite part of the show so far <3
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09:50
this angel just fell in love
right in that moment
i see cartoon hearts around him
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09:54
just had to pause for a second bc there was some broccoli in my tea :c
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09:56
awwwwwwwwwwwwww
he got him holy waterrrrrrr
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UNIVERSAL ANGLE OF HETEROSEXUAL LONGING
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definitely feeling a lot of “NOW KISS” right about now
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09:59
LAUGHING BECAUSE THE OPENING CREDITS ARE LITERALLY HALFWAY INTO THE EPISODE
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10:03
throughout the entire book azi just came across as the kind of person who wore glasses even though glasses were never once mentioned
I AM GLAD TO SEE GLASSES
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10:12
i like this colour palette and the gold in their makeup
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10:27
“we can go off together”
omg the world’s ending and crowley’s all RUN AWAY WITH MEEE
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10:31
okay then
good eyelashes
edit: i also like how their relationship was explained with a simple tap on the wrist: hurry up, you’re on the clock, i’m a sex worker, finish your call because i’m leaving
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10:32
episode three DONE
these eps don’t feel long enough
maybe that means the pacing is just right? who knows
i feel like i should be doing something other than watching this but..... why
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EPISODE 4: Saturday Morning Funtime
10:48pm
aziraphale is SOFT and he’s perfect like that <3
fuck u gabriel and your body shaming
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10:53
i want delivery guy to be okay BUT I READ THE BOOK
so............... i know he will be...... eventually
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10:55
how did they get photographs taken in the 1600s
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oh gabriel’s eyes ARE purple, i thought i was seeing them wrong
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11:02
“maud i love you”
noo ho hoooo
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11:09
a little douglas adams, definitely
BUT NO PEPPER POT DALEK
AWW
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11:10
the season is very much jumping between summer and autumn
though i suppose that’s the point, tadfield is just perfect
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11:12
“which the internet has begun to refer to as the kracken”
i wonder if good omens inadvertently inspired me to write The Wireless a couple of years back. wouldn’t be surprising
edit: no, couldn’t have, because the internet wasn’t much of a thing (or a thing at all?) in the book, given its publish date
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11:20
that’s a v nice dress/top combo
gosh she’s so pretty
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11:30
crowley: “we can run away together!!! alpha centauri!!!”
aw baby
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crowley: “i’m going home, angel! i’m getting my stuff, and i am leaving. and when i am up in the stars, i won’t even think about you!!”
THAT WAS A V SAD BREAKUP NOOOOO
why has there not been a single “dear” yet :c
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11:37
oh no, this part
i loved this in the book but i am NOT READY for maggots
damn you gaiman
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11:39
he’s so cute
and so gay
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11:42
uriel: “don’t think your boyfriend in the dark glasses will get you special treatment in hell”
he looks kinda delighted uriel called crowley his boyfriend
i would say he looks worried but this shot was used without context in the trailer and it came across as genuine joy, i actually thought he was looking at crowley
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11:46
i thought it was a strange throne before
a spider at the centre of a web
dark halo
yeah
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11:51
oh now she’s a redhead???
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also i’m glad they implied newt and anathema just kissed because the sex thing was weird in the book
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okay never mind
hmm
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12:05
aziraphale: “oh.................ffffUCK.”
YEEEEEEEEEEEEEEEEEEEEEAH
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12:07
oh no
it’s happening
oh no
i hate this part but i love what happens because of it
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12:29am
i have eaten and now i have tea and i am back from MORE BOOKSHOP FIRE
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EPISODE 5: The Doomsday Option
12:31
nuuuuuuuuuu
and “you’re my best friend” playing while crowley’s tryna call azi
nuuuuuu
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“somebody killed my best friend”
jfhsdfjsdj
/sobs
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12:36
freddie mercury: “somebody find me somebody tooo ooo looove”
edit: the narration WRECKED this. it was so dramatic and visually emotional but the voiceover completely screwed with it and it was SO UNNECESSARY.
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12:46
crowley: “i lost my best friend”
he says, while crying, while talking to that friend
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THE ONE BOOK HE WANTS IS THE ONE CROWLEY SAVED
THEY’RE SO FUCKING BEAUTIFUL TOGETHER
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azi wanted to share crowley’s body
and then said they had to get a wiggle on
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12:52
they cut out the hell’s angels / lesser horsemen
i figured they would, but still a shame
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1:54
in the book tracy’s “spirit guide” was native american but daaaaaamn that part really needed to go
now she’s irish which is... better, probably
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01:01
ron: “SHUT. UUUUUUUUUUUUUUUUUUUUUUUUUUP”
this guy’s having the time of his life
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01:03
he wave
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01:05
1926 bentley; sexiest car right next to the ‘67 chevy impala
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01:08
omg gotta translate and explain the road
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01:13
OH NO the maggots are about to happen
they changed the placement of this but it worked for the pacing
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OH NO
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k well the maggots were gross but not as bad as i imagined
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01:31
omg the dog turned upside down rather than be picked up
i wonder if that was intentional
dog: I DO NOT WANT UP
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01:34
pfff he’s reading “american gods” by neil gaiman
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01:44am
10/10 flaming car
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EPISODE 6: The Very Last Day of the Rest of Their Lives
01:51am
here we go...
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01:55
azi so happy that crowley said the dress suits him <3
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01:57
rip bentley
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01:59
aziraphale: “we are here to lick some serious butt!!”
crowley: “kick!! kick, aziraphale, for heaven’s sake”
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02:06
i freaking love the parallel between the Them and the horsemen in the book
and i love that they did face shots to show the parallel
pepper = war
wensleydale = famine
brian = pollution
adam = death
the parallel is less clear for brian and wensleydale, at least in the show. was more obvious in the book. but at the same time i kind of got confused between them a lot, brian was always eating, but wensleydale was named after cheese
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02:14
pepper: “i do not endorse everyday sexism”
/STOMPS ON WAR’S FOOT
YEAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAH
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02:25
shadwell: “anyone who wants ta get ta the hoore of babylon will have to get past me”
earlier anathema said “boyfriend”
may i point out that all the adults are paired up
shadwell & madame tracy
newt & anathema
......and....
aziraphale and crowley
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0:28
crowley: “we are FUCKED”
these two need a holiday
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azi: “come up with something... or.... or i’ll never talk to you again”
he knows crowley loves him aww
perfect blackmail material
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02:32
they went from trying to kill him to being his gay angel parents real quick
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02:35
thought they were holding hands for a second there
edit: regardless, a whole damn airfield and they’re 2cm apart
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02:39
happy ending for the postman, hooray~
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crowley about the bookshop, softly: “it burned down. remember? you can stay at my place”
awwWWWWWWWWWWWWWWWWWW
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02:42
CROWLEY GOT HIS CAR BACK AND YET HE TOOK A TAXI
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02:45
anathema: “why is your car called dick turpin?”
newt: “dick turpin is a famous highwayman. it’s called dick turpin because everywhere it goes, it holds up traffic”
i laughed
this wasn’t in the book and i always wondered
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02:51
i wonder if holy water wouldn’t burn him because he’s too good
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03:00
gabriel: “don’t talk to me about the greater good, sunshine, i’m the angel fucking gabriel”
really enjoying these swears
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03:03
i thought so
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03:30am
paused for a bit to get ready for bed
i thought it was after 4am but nope
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“there would be other summers, but not one like this. not ever again”
that genuinely makes me emotional
i think that’s why it’s my favourite book, i can relive that summer with them
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03:35
omg
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OH MY GOD
WAIT
THEY
OH MY GOD
THEY WEREN’T IMMUNE, THEY JUST SWAPPED PLACES
HOLY SHIT
edit: THIS WAS NOT IN THE BOOK AND IT’S BRILLIANT AND I’M GLAD IT’S HERE
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crowley: “let me tempt you to a spot of lunch?
azi: “~temptation accomplished~!”
THEY’RE SO STINKING CUTE
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“just enough of a bastard to be worth knowing”
perfect
STILL NO USE OF “DEAR” THOUGH AND IT’S KILLING ME
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that ending with the bird made me teary-eyed
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credits: BENEDICT CUMBERBATCH AS SATAN
WOW
OKAY
AKSFJDSF /snorts
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the end credits and the song i just wanna bawl my eyes out
i loved this so much and i’m so glad it was GOOD
i loved that they added so many people of colour. in the book i imagined crowley played by alexander siddig (star trek: deep space 9 era) but i guess david tennant makes a pretty good crowley too
i’m trying not to be upset that my favourite scene with the dove and aziraphale’s affectionate use of “dear” was taken out
but
this was damn good regardless. even gayer in places than in the book
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this nightingale song is my new favourite song
i never got the reference before
“and as we kissed and said goodnight, an nightingale sang in berkeley square:
GAY
SO GAY
i love
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the end of the credits “For Terry”
ACTUAL OUT LOUD SOBBING
TERRY YOU WOULD’VE LOVED THIS
NEIL DID YOU PROUD
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oh this was so beautiful
i’m gonna watch it again with my family probably within the week. i’m so emotionally tender now
azIRAPHALE WAS SO FLUFFY AND CROWLEY WAS SO NICE ABOUT THE BOOKS
ugh i love them more than ever
anathema...... i don’t know if i relate to her, want to be her, look up to her, want her to mentor me, live with her, or find her attractive. maybe all of the above. but she was freaking PERFECT. PE R F E CT
the casting was so... just right. thank you casting people for anathema.
like... i also didn’t mind the newt/anathema thing so much now. it was hard to tell in the book how much of a relationship they had after, but that smile she gave while lying in bed the morning after, that worked, it said a lot. and i like that it was her choice to burn the prophecy sequel rather than newt’s suggestion
gabriel was amusing. like.. i’m glad he wasn’t in the book. but he was great here. also really like michael and uriel. uriel was so damn beautiful.
i also would really have liked to see a mention of the fact crowley and aziraphale are both agender and potentially asexual. not even a hint of it here. buuuuuut it guess i know from the book. so.
my favourite episode was of course episode 3 with crowley and aziraphale’s 6000 year backstory. especially the 1940s bit where crowley saved the books <3
this show was was less confusing than the book too. ugh it was done so well
OH
we didn’t see where the soldier guy went when aziraphale zapped him away!!! in the book he reappeared safely back home and went out to see his family. to be fair i don’t know whether he died and went to heaven, but it was a nice thing to happen
and they took out the Them’s bully/rival gang, who was led by the third baby from the baby swap, and who won awards for his tropical fish. at least that’s what i remember. which meant the parallel about heaven/hell being rival gangs was lost here. but the parallel between the horsemen and the them was stronger than ever and i loved that.
look, i mean, 10 out of 10, EASY.
favourite thing? yes. yes, absolutely.
--
shoutout to the one time i wrote a Good Omens/Destiel crossover fic The Angel Cake Challenge
IT’S 04:02am THIS TOOK ME 12 HOURS
04:40am AND FORTY MINUTES TO EDIT
congrats if you made it to the end of this!!! thank you for reading <3 AND GO WATCH THE SHOW IF YOU HAVEN’T ALREADY
#Good Omens#Good Omens spoilers#Elmie watches things#post of postiness#Crowley x Aziraphale#long post#mobile users...... i am so... SO sorry#i hope you can scroll fast#The Angel Cake Challenge
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Hands Made of Moonlight and Wind - August 7, 2019
Part of my Resolution19. Read it on AO3.
Prompt: Hamburrglar (from ImprobableDreams900)
Fandom: Hamilton
Title: "It is impossible - no matter how blessed you are by luck, or the government, or some remote invisible deity gently steering your life with hands made of moonlight and wind - it is impossible not to feel a little sad." Welcome to Night Vale, Ep. 21
Words: 1098
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"That's never going to work, Alex."
"Of course it is!" Alex gestured emphatically at the hand-drawn map in front of them. He leaned forward with the gesture, his knee brushing against Aaron's. Then he hesitated. "Um, why wouldn't it work?"
Aaron sighed. "There's not enough of a window," he explained patiently. "To go from here" he pointed to one corner of the map "to here" he pointed to the other "and back in ten minutes without Seabury seeing us? Not going to happen."
"Aha!" Alex said with a flourish. "But you're not taking into account that I've assigned Lafayette, Laurens, and Mulligan to distract him!"
Aaron dropped his head into his hand. "You dragged the Three Musketeers into this?"
"Hey!" Alex protested. "The Revolutionary Set is worth four times what Jefferson and his cronies are."
Aaron took a deep breath and blew it out through his teeth. "Alexander," he said carefully, anger simmering beneath every syllable. "Let me remind you that we are both here, in the back of a van that smells like French fries that you borrowed from Mulligan's brother-in-law, well past midnight on a Tuesday, because you decided that Washington's wasn't going to make it unless we stole Royal Burger's special sauce recipe."
Alex just blinked at him. "Right. And?"
"And I still can't figure out why you dragged me into this!" Aaron exclaimed. "Especially if you were going to call in the Ghostbusters anyway."
Alex scoffed. "Right. Like why would I bring you in at all." He rolled his eyes and put the finishing touches on the timeline of the heist in his notebook.
"Exactly!" Aaron said, though he was less excited by Alex agreeing with him than he had anticipated.
"Take a look at that," Alex told him, handing over the notebook. "I think we have a wide enough gap here," he explained, pointing at one of the intervals. "Because Lafayette can talk the ears off a statue when he gets going, so there's no way Seabury's getting away from the three of them in under twelve minutes."
Aaron just stared at him incredulously, not even glancing down at the notebook Alex had shoved in his hands.
"Well, go on," Alex encouraged. "I don't think I shortchanged Phase B, but you'll have to look at it."
Aaron didn't move. Alex's gaze flitted back and forth between Aaron's still face and the notebook before he huffed. "Seriously, Aaron? What's wrong? Is it the timing on B? It might be the timing on B. I just don't think we can find a larger bouncy castle on such short notice."
He sounded legitimately concerned about the size of the bouncy castle, and that more than anything made Aaron ask the uncomfortable question looming in the room.
"Alex," Aaron started.
Alex stopped frowning at the map and focused his attention on Aaron. "Yes?"
"Why am I here?" he asked awkwardly. Aaron wasn't one for fishing for compliments - he knew all too well the sort of scraping-the-bottom-of-the-barrel answers it got you; if he never had to have someone stiltedly tell him that his eyes were a vaguely pleasant shade of brown again, it would be too soon - but he honestly didn't know of a better way to get a straight answer out of Alex Hamilton.
It took a moment for Alex to register exactly what he'd said. Then he did a dramatic double-take, as if to ensure Aaron really understood the absurdity of the question. "Why are you...?"
Aaron nodded.
"Seriously? We're stuck on this?" Alex seemed relieved. "I was worried you were being persnickety about the song choice again."
"Carol of the Bells is a fine holiday classic. If we're going to have carolers in the middle of August, I don't know why you want them to sing Santa Claus is Coming to Town. And that's beside the point!" Aaron took a breath. "The point is, the point I am trying to make, the point, Alex, is--" he hesitated "--why am I here? Why did you drag me into this when you know perfectly well that Laurens would be over the moon if you asked him to help you break into George LeRoi's place?" He couldn't help the slightly bitter tone that crept into the last sentence. He cleared his throat. "Anyway."
"Laurens?" Alex asked, disbelieving. "This is all about John? Really?" He gestured widely, as if to encompass all the ways in which he failed to comprehend Aaron's perfectly reasonable objection to being included in plotting where he was neither required nor wanted. "And Carol of the Bells would put people to sleep," he added. "We need a dance tune."
Aaron shook his head. "One. In no universe is Santa Claus is Coming to Town a dance tune," he said firmly. "Two. We don't actually need a dance tune. Three. No, this is not about Laurens. This is about you calling me up at half-past three in the morning yesterday and convincing me to help you with a plan that you didn't actually need me for."
Now Alex looked angry. "Let me address all the ways in which you are completely and utterly wrong, Aaron Burr." He brandished three fingers and counted off. "One. Santa Claus is Coming to Town has been recorded by over 200 different artists, including a capella and rock musicians. It's definitely a dance tune. Two," he continued quickly before Aaron could protest that a capella wasn't really 'dance tune' material. "A dance tune is definitely essential to keep the pacing right for Phase A, Section 2, Subpart ii. Three." Alex hesitated, then lowered his hands. "Three," he said, his eyes flitting back and forth between his hands and Aaron's face. "I wouldn't want to plan an elaborate, over-complicated heist with anyone else."
The admission hung in the air.
Aaron cleared his throat. "If we want a dance tune to keep the pacing, we could go with the Christmas Waltz," he offered.
The animation flooded back into Alex as if he'd never been still. "Yes! Perfect!" He started waving a finger in the air in time as if conducting an invisible orchestra. "Strong beat, can be sung by a choir..." He paused. "Is it too catchy?"
Aaron rolled his eyes. "You wanted a dance tune that wasn't catchy?"
Alex half-shrugged in acknowledgement and started annotating Phase A to account for the change in song.
"And Alex?" He looked up from the notebook and hummed inquisitively. "I wouldn't want to plan an elaborate, over-complicated heist with anyone else either," Aaron told him.
Alex wasn't quite able to bury his smile in his notebook.
#Resolution19#Hamilton#Hamburr#aww#heist#christmas music#christmas music in August#hamburrglar#thanks for the pun dear XD#August titles are Night Vale quotes!#*jazz hands*#and this one's already over 1k!#i think they're getting longer as i go
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let me be there
Prompt: Music. Prompt from this generator.
No one ever taught Chris how to sing, not properly. He just sort of picked it up. One minute he was humming along with the car radio and the next, he was shuffle-stepping his way across the stage in community theater. Funny how that works.
It’s not like his parents are tone deaf; his mom sang in the church choir, for instance, long after she stopped believing in God. Or the Church’s version of the All Mighty, anyway. And his dad still air-guitars his way through traffic, jamming along behind the steering wheel in the early AM Boston rush.
But neither of them is a singer , neither of them thinks in scales and verses and rhymes. Where Chris got that from, nobody’s sure; but what he does with it, the life he’s made himself from it, there’s no mistaking that it’s all him.
*****
He meets Seb in the Dakotas, one of them, on the back end of a national tour. He’s not playing stadiums yet, just good-sized clubs, nothing crazy. His EP went viral and his LP’s rock solid on the charts; he’s making a name for himself, is Chris. He’s right there on the doorstep of big fame.
Seb doesn’t know any of that, doesn’t have the faintest idea who he is or what he’s doing in Pierre, why he’s standing in the back of an honest-to-god honky tonk on the far side of town. Chris had needed some air after his show, needed some time to himself, and a tour bus full of stir crazy claustrophobes offered...not that. They weren’t due to leave until four, though, and it was only quarter to one and so Chris had taken off in a taxi, asked the driver, a rough and tangle dude in a creased cowboy hat, to drive to whatever bar was his favorite and have a drink or six on Chris.
Which was how he’d come to be leaning against the bar at the back of The Dry Well, beaming up at the stage, watching a couple of local guitar pokes go to town on some Hank and some Johnny, a little Merle Haggard and Crystal Gayle.
The place had the sleepy feel of overnight coming, of one beer too many, of cigarette smoke caught by the open windows and tugged out into the dark. And dark it was, too, all around; The Dry Well was a sentinel, a kind of stalwart, standing between human and prairie, between civilization, such as it was, and the long flat plans lulled to sleep by the wind.
Chris was on his second whiskey, straight, and he wasn’t smoking only because Rob, his base player, had stomped on his one and only last pack.Tsk tsk, Rob had said the night before, grinning, grinding the Marlboro Reds under his boot. No smoke till Brooklyn, kiddo. Them’s the rules. And you wrote ‘em.
One more week and he’d be home free, could drag down as much as he liked, but goddamn if he wasn’t impatient, if he wasn’t dying to feel that featherweight in his fingers, see the flare of flame each time he drew breath.
God, he thinks, throwing back the last of the Jack, the last few dates are always the worst. Ready to be home but still thrilled to be loved every night, to have his own words sung back at him by crowds of people he’ll never know but who’ve memorized lines he wrote when his heart was breaking; when he was on top of the world; when he was in a pit of his own making. Maybe it should be terrifying, to hear himself stripped down every night, to feel people sing out what once was his most tender marrow, but for Chris, it’s exhilarating even now, after two months’ worth of shows.
He’ll be home for three weeks and then they’ll be out again, gone, off to Europe and Asia and a few dates in South America--his first international swing. It’s hard for him to believe it, to picture it, he and the band standing on stages in Tokyo and Prague and Buenos Aires, watching people stand up and sing along.
He gulps a little and sets down his glass. Bites back the jitters. That’s the plan, anyway. Who knows if it’ll actually go down that way?
Scarlett, his drummer, is certain it will. Mackie, his piano man, isn’t quite so optimistic.
And Chris? He scrubs a hand over his eyes, breathes in hard to pick up some smoke. He’s not sure yet. They’ll just have to wait and see.
There’s a tap on his shoulder. “Hey,” somebody says behind him. “You’re dry. Want another?”
Chris half-turns his head, expecting to see the blond bartender from earlier--all muscle and teeth and surfer-boy charm--but it’s a dark-haired guy with sharp blue eyes and a quirked eyebrow instead. His surprise must show on his face, even in the gloom, because the guy laughs a little, shaking his head.
“No, you’re not hallucinating,” the guy says. “Chris went off shift ten minutes ago. Had a date. I’m a soft touch; told him I’d clean up tonight.”
“That was nice of you.”
A shrug. “He worked late for me last week. I owed him. Anyway, he’s a damn good bartender and they’re not easy to find in this town.” He grins, a slow slide that takes up his whole face. “Not easy to keep, anyway.”
Chris blinks. “Oh. So, this is your bar?”
The guy pats the counter, gives a cute, scrunched-up smirk. “It is.”
“Oh,” Chris says again. Something about the man makes him feel itchy, kind of pleasantly nervous. Or maybe that’s just the empty stomach booze. “It’s, ah. Uh huh.”
Blue eyes sets his elbows on the bar and leans over a little like he’s sharing a secret, lowers his voice below now Skynard-shaped din. “You still haven’t answered my question, man.”
“What?”
The guy points. “You want another round or not? That glass of yours is looking awful lonely.”
“Honestly?” Chris says, because it’s that kind of o’clock in the morning. “I would kill for a cig.”
That smile again, like warm caramel. “Technically, this is a no smoking bar.”
Now it’s Chris’ turn to throw up an eyebrow. “Dude, come on. Seriously? This place is like a dragon’s lair.”
“Technically. I said technically .” The man pats his pockets, then reaches under the bar. “As in, everybody else breaking the rules is one thing. Me, upstanding owner that I am? I know better than that.” He comes up with a soft pack and a lighter, nods towards the back door. “Come outside with me and protect my reputation.”
Outside, the night is cool and still, the first hints of winter creeping up over the plains. It’s dark beyond the dull streetlight, the last sigil between the bar and what feels like the wild, and Chris tips back against the building for that first hot glorious drag.
“Been awhile?” Blue eyes is looking at him, clearly entertained.
Chris’ eyes are watering and his lungs feel like sandpaper. God, it’s fantastic. “What makes you say that?” he chokes out.
The guy looks away and lifts his own to his lips, take a short pull. “You sounded like you were kissing somebody you hadn’t seen in a long, long time.”
Chris laughs, the long of the night, the whiskey, the heady furl of tobacco too much to let that shit go. “You’ve been listening to too much old country, man, spitting out corny shit like that.”
“Seb,” the man says. “‘You’ve been listening to too much old country, Seb.”
“Yeah,” Chris says, waving his ash away, “that. And I’m Chris.”
Seb takes his outstretched hand, shakes it, and Chris squeezes back. “Nice to meet you, Chris.”
“You, too.”
They smoke in silence for a while, the thrum of the music inside neatly boxed up behind them. If Chris listens close enough, reaches back with his hand, he can feel the notes vibrating, the drunken edge of the song leaking through. But he doesn’t want to hear music right now, doesn’t want to think about songs; he just wants to be right here with Seb, right now.
And Seb seems good with that, too.
“Can I ask you something?” Chris asks after a while, as the filter approaches.
“Yeah. Sure.”
“Aren’t you a little young to own a place like this?”
“Believe it or not,” Seb deadpans, “I am over 21.”
Chris laughs. “Not what I meant, now. Come on.”
Seb chuckles, too. “You mean, I’m too young to run an old fogies bar?”
“I mean, yeah. Pretty much. Don’t get me wrong, I do like it. A lot. I just”--Chris gestures with his cig, a drag of fire between them--“can’t help but notice that you’re like 30 years younger than most of your patrons.”
Seb shrugs, easy. “It was my mom’s place, truth be told. I kind of grew up here. Haven’t had the heart to change it, that’s all.”
“Oh, geez. Your, uh, mom, did she--?”
“No! No, man. Heh! No. She’s fine.” Seb gives him a grin. “Just got tired of it, that’s all. The hurly and the burly of it, you know. The grind. She lives on the other side of the city, near the college. Alive and well, I promise. She comes in sometimes when she’s bored, gets tired of running around the garden or whatever.” A sharp kick of his cig, a short flare towards the asphalt. “I mean, she doesn’t actually garden. Would probably be happier if she did. She’s the kind of person who needs like six hobbies, you know? Just to keep herself out of her head.”
“Ah,” Chris says. “Yeah, yeah. I get that.”
“What about you? What do you do?”
“Me?” A rush of blush up Chris’ throat, a sudden, unexpected sort of shy. “I, ah. I kind of sing.”
“Oh, cool. As a like a job or a hobby, or--?”
“A, um, a job.” He has the weird urge to hide his face in his hand.
“Wow.” Seb turns to face him, one shoulder edged into brick. “That’s pretty damn impressive. You must be good.”
“Got a good band,” Chris says, like he always does during interviews or press events when people pay him a compliment. “Believe me, that goes a long way.”
“Sure, but I’m talking about you. Great band ain’t worth shit if the front man can’t sing.” Seb jerks his thumb at the wall. “Trust me. I know.”
“I’m”--Chris takes one last hit and toss the filter on the ground, grinds it under his heel--“I do all right, I guess.”
Seb laughs. “I’m not gonna ask you to prove it, don’t worry.”
“I didn’t think that you were.” A pause. “Ok, I hoped that you wouldn’t. Was hoping real hard.”
“Are you from here? You don’t sound like you are.”
“No, from back east. Boston.”
“So you’re here for a gig?” It isn’t really a question.
“Yeah.”
It’s quiet for a minute; even the noise inside settles. It’s just them, for a moment, and the waning hours of the night.
Seb’s fingers find the edge of his shirt, a hint of warmth against his arm. “Are you gonna get back out this way, you figure?”
The weight of those fingers makes Chris’ lids heavy, heavy. Heavier still. “Not for a while, no. Maybe next year, I don’t know. Kind of depends on how things go.”
“Things?”
“The record. Depends on how the record does over time. It’s doing pretty good now, it’s just--yeah. It depends.”
Sebastian squeezes his wrist, sears his skin somehow through his clothes. “You always undersell yourself like this, Chris?”
“Like what?”
“I’m guessing you don’t when you’re on stage. I bet you fucking glow under the lights, huh? Don’t you, babe?”
Chris shivers and twists his arm until their hands catch, until their palms are pressed together, their fingers folded. “Can I ask you something, Seb?”
“Sure you can.”
“Would you kiss me?”
“If you want.”
Chris tugs him closer. “Would you take me home, or somewhere? I’ve only got a couple of hours. Maybe less.”
Seb makes a soft, hurt sound, the kind that sinks between Chris’ hips, the kind that makes his whole body alight. “Yeah, I can do that.”
“Would you--?”
Seb smiles, stretches it up and over Chris’ chin. “Whatever the question is, babe, the answer is yes.”
“But,” Chris says, grinning back, his arm snaking around Seb’s neck. “I thought you had to close tonight.”
A snort and a smooch, messy on Chris’ throat, silly and wet. “You let me worry about that,” Seb says. “Huh? This is my goddamn bar.”
Chris dips his head and they’re kissing, hot and stupidly tender, out there in the dark, out there under the stars.
*****
Later, when he's tucked up in his bunk on the bus, he stays awake past sunrise; watches the light creep up the streets, devour the rough, brown fields, settle up high in the sky.
"Hey," Rob says, popping up over the edge, his chin cutting into the mattress. "Where were you? I thought Scar was gonna send out the dogs."
"Just needed some time alone. You know."
"Uh huh." A beat. "Well. Nice to see you smiling, anyway."
Chris turns his head. "What? I smile, man."
Rob's mouth twitches. "Sure you do, kiddo. But it's been a long time since I've seen you smile like that."
You can call me, Seb had murmured, his lips nudging Chris' ear. If you want to.
You'd better believe it.
And you can come back any time you want. A kiss, firm and breathtaking. By which I mean, you'd better.
He'd taken Seb's face in his hands and leaned back, grinned up into those mid-July eyes. How does three weeks sound?
Oh, good. So goddamn good. I mean, two days would be better. An hour, come to think of it, best, but--
Chris had laughed, made Seb taste it, licked that smug little smirk off his face.
"Yeah," Rob says now, poking Chris in the shoulder. "Exactly. Like that."
He hops down, scuttles off, and Chris turns to the window, a line of notes running wild inside his head, and he falls asleep with them on the tips of his fingers, dreams of a stadium crowded with people singing Seb--Sebastian's--name.
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YEAR OF WHAT HAPPENS ON EARTH STAYS ON EARTH
[longer version of what I contributed to the new yorker’s year-end package. you can read that here, and listen to the accompanying megamix the video team made! links to previous year’s lists at bottom.]
I did not grow up going to church, and I am not a particularly religious person. A few days after the inauguration, I wandered into a nearby church and took a seat in the back pews.
I’d gone there right after the election. There was some time for anyone with anything on their mind to stand up and speak. If you need others to pray for you, just let us know. A middle-aged black man in a leather jacket got up and began telling us about an argument he was having with a friend on Facebook. It was about the election, but it was actually about the intractability of racism. He was getting frustrated while describing it to us, in part because he seemed to value being the cool and level-headed one. Plus he was describing the kind of argument millions of people were having on the Internet. “I just hope he finds peace,” the guy said. He paused, then put his hands on his chest. “On a lighter note, today would have been Jimi Hendrix’s seventy-fourth birthday.” He opened up his leather jacket to show everyone his Hendrix t-shirt. “I just wanted to say that, because he was just awesome.”
So I returned here, the day after marching through Manhattan with a poster that said “HOLD ON, BE STRONG.” I needed to be in a room that was powered by something other than hate--to be reminded of vision and purpose, even if they weren’t mine to claim. To listen to wisdom gleaned from a book I’ve never read, and pick and choose what I wanted. To hear others pour themselves into songs I never, ever sing along to. I wanted to steal their vibes.
Instead of a hymn, they passed out small pieces of paper with the lyrics of John Lennon’s “Imagine.” This is not the type of church people come to for the music. The pianist started playing, and I remember thinking about how it felt like magic when I learned how to play those chords as a kid. I couldn’t believe we were doing this. We sang, tentatively at first, as though we could not believe these words in this space. Picture it: singing of “no heaven” and “no religion, too,” with humility and hope, inside a house of worship. It was like an admission that faith was inadequate. All we had was one another. “Imagine” is a song I’ve heard millions of times, the type of song that is so ubiquitous that we rarely bother scrutinizing its words, its vantage point, the possibility that someone wrote these words because he actually believed them. I sang along with a room of strangers, and we looked at one another, and, for the first time in months, I began to cry.
TWO LYRICS THAT REMINDED ME OF POLITICS EVEN IF THEY HAD NOTHING TO DO WITH POLITICS
"Wrote this shit January 21″
“Take me back to November / Take me back to November”
“I’M AN ANGRY TEENAGER”
Novelist, “Street Politician”
ONCE THEY START, I HAVE TO LISTEN TO THE END
Jim O’Rourke’s recently unearthed cover of Tracy Chapman’s “Fast Car”
Kanye’s sitcom-length remix of “Bed”
THURSDAY NIGHTS ON NBC
Ross from Friends’ very Madchester guitar-y Boiler Room set
DJ Seinfeld, Time Spent Away from U
Nino Man, Jadakiss and Styles P, “Friends”
IN ANOTHER YEAR FULL OF NIRVANA/KURT COBAIN REFERENCES (DID YOU SEE JAY:Z’S JACKET?) MY FAVORITE SONG, PROBABLY:
this Trippie Redd snippet
SOME VERSIONS OF THE NINETIES THAT WILL NEVER COME BACK THE WAY GRUNGE ENNUI HAS, BUT WERE SO POSSIBILITY-RICH TO ME BACK THEN
Kicking Giant, This Being the Ballad of Kicking Giant, Halo: NYC/Olympia 1989-1993
Helium, The Dirt of Luck/The Magic City
LIKE MANY WHO LOVED “A STORM IN HEAVEN,” I OVERLOOKED THEM AT THE TIME
Acetone, 1992-2001
A REALLY GOOD BOOK ABOUT ACETONE, LOS ANGELES, DREAMS OF GREATNESS
Sam Sweet, Hadley Lee Lightcap
WOULD HAVE LOVED THIS IN 1994, 2002 OR 2017
Big Thief, Capacity
CREDIBLE AND DOPE EARLY NINETIES R&B HOMAGE, SAX AND ALL
Joyce Wrice, “Good Morning”
SPEAKING OF THE NINETIES, LEECH MADE A MIXTAPE OF JUST THE FLOATY/DREAMY PARTS TAKEN FROM CLASSIC GOOD LOOKING/MOVING SHADOW SINGLES
Leech, “Just the Liquid”
FOR THE COMEDOWN, DARK-ASS STUFF ASSEMBLED EXCLUSIVELY FROM SLIPKNOT SAMPLES
Croww, Prosthetics
NOSTALGIA, ULTRA (UK GARAGE/BASSLINE EDITION)
tqd, ukg
SUMMERTIME ‘SECOND SUMMER OF LOVE’ VIBE
Opus III, “It’s a Fine Day (Burt Fox remix)”
UNEXPECTED BURIAL SUMMERTIME VIBES
Monic, “Deep Summer (Burial remix)”
NO REISSUE OR tk ANNIVERSARY TIE-IN, JUST SOME OLD SONGS I RE/DISCOVERED THIS YEAR
Active Minds, “Hobson’s Choice”
El-B, “El-Brand”
Kamal Abdul Alim, “Brotherhood”
Spiritualized in Reykjavik
U2, “Numb (Soul Assassins remix)”
U2, “Mysterious Ways (Massive Attack remix)”
SAME, BUT TAIWANESE INDIE ROCK EDITION
Chocolate Tiger, “Piecing Together”
REISSUES, OR: PEOPLE HAVE ALWAYS BEEN WEIRD AND SPACY#, OBSESSED WITH NATURAL BEAUTY##
# Planetary Peace, Synthesis
# Pauline Anna Strom, Trans-Millennia Music
## Pep Llopis, Poiemusia La Nau Dels Argonaut
REISSUES, OR: WHEN I WAS A CHILD THERE WERE NO BETTER SONGS THAN THE ONES THAT PLAYED THROUGH TRANSFORMERS: THE MOVIE AND FOR SOME REASON THIS JOYOUS EP REMIND ME OF THAT SHEEN, THOSE HOOKS, THE PERFECT, THEATER-SIZED ECHO
Om Alec Khaoli, Say You Love Me
BEST ALBUM-LENGTH METAPHOR FOR THE CITY, ITS LIMITATIONS AND POSSIBILITIES
Wiki, No Mountains In Manhattan
SOUNDS EXACTLY LIKE IT WAS DESCRIBED, JAMAICA VIA OUTER SPACE
Equiknoxx, Colon Man
I NEED TO GO OUT MORE
Jex Opolis, “Mt. Belzoni”
KH, “Question”
I LISTENED TO THIS ABOUT TEN TIMES, MY SENSE OF ENCHANTMENT GROWING AND GROWING EACH TIME, BEFORE REALIZING THERE WERE BARELY ANY DRUMS ON IT
Mr. Mitch, Devout
SERIOUSLY THE MR. MITCH ALBUM WAS REALLY MOVING AND FANTASTIC
Mr. Mitch f/ Denai Moore, “Fate”
CRAZY WISDOM MASTER
Vince Staples, Big Fish Theory
C’MON AND RAISE UP
Rapsody f/ Kendrick, Lance Skiiwalker, “Power”
SO ICEY
Zomby, Mercury’s Rainbow
ECHO PARTY
Demen, Nektyr
Evy Jane, “Give Me Love”
THE IMPORTANCE OF BEING EARNEST
Vic Mensa, The Autobiography
DUNGEON FAMILY, EVEN IN DARKNESS
Earthgang f/ J.I.D., “Meditate”
FUNNY HOW TIME SLIPS AWAY
Lee Gamble, Mnestic Pressure
Pessimist, s/t
NOT SURE HOW THIS BECAME THE DIWALI OF 2017 BUT OKAY
French Montana f/ Mariah, Rae Sremmurd, PNB Rock, Belly, Elephant Man, Vybz Kartel, J Balvin, NORE, Wizkid, “Unforgettable”
HOW ARE THIS MANY PEOPLE ON A FOUR MINUTE SONG? GOOD VIDEO THOUGH
A$AP Mob f/ A$AP Rocky, Playboi Carti, Quavo, Lil Uzi Vert and Frank Ocean, “RAF”
I LIKE IT WHEN FERG’S VOICE GETS ALL NAGGY
Ferg, “Plain Jane”
METRO BOOMIN MADE A BEAT THAT REMINDED ME OF RADIOHEAD
Post Malone f/ Quavo, “Congratulations”
THE MARIACHI VERSION IS PRETTY SWEET
Brian Imanuel, “How I surprised Post Malone with a mariachi band”
”IF YOU’RE LOOKING FOR LYRICS, IF YOU’RE LOOKING TO CRY, IF YOU’RE LOOKING TO THINK ABOUT LIFE...”
JonWayne, Rap Album Two
CORNBALL PIANOS AND THEN THAT SYNTH DRAGS, AND THEN THE DRUMS KICK
Tee Grizzley, “First Day Out”
“BUT WILD/WITH MY MONOTONE STYLE”
21 Savage, “Bankroll”
Kodak Black, “Candy Paint”
Rich Chigga, “Glow Like Dat”
ANNUAL SPOT RESERVED FOR LA MUSICA DE HARRY FRAUD
French Montana f/ Pharrell, “Bring Dem Things”
WHEN LAETITIA SAYS HER OWN NAME ON “EMBERS”
Vagabon, Infinite Worlds
WHEN JESSIE LEANS INTO THE WORD “FUCK”
Jessie Reyez, “Figures”
THAT LIGHT MISTING, THAT CASUAL SPRITZ OF SYNTHS
Lanark Artefax, “Touch Absence”
A GOOD ANTI-DJT THING THAT CAME OUT EARLY THIS YEAR, WHICH FEELS LIKE EONS AGO
Lushlife + friends, My Idols are Dead + My Enemies are in Power
THE BABY, THE FLUTES, PIERRE’S OBNOXIOUSLY LONG TAG, THE JESSE LINGARD DANCE
Playboi Carti, “Magnolia”
ILLEST SHIT I SAW THIS YEAR, BABY-RELATED
A child at a restaurant watching an iPad and an iPhone at the same damn time
“[FREE] PLAYBOI CARTI TYPE BEAT”
YBN Nahmir, “Rubbin off the Paint”
GUNS N ROSES, BEFORE ONE OF THE WEIRDEST BEEFS OF THE YEAR
Trippie Redd f/ 6IX9INE, “POLES1469″
SOMETIMES YOU JUST HAVE TO BELIEVE YOU CAN SING, AND DO IT WITH CONVICTION, AND I WILL LISTEN
Trippie Redd, “Rack City/Love Scars 2″
ALL THE BACKGROUND NOISE/ECHOED-OUT ADLIBS MAKE THIS
BlocBoy JB, “No Chorus Pt 10″
SMERZ HAS FUN DESPITE THE AWKWARD OF IT ALL
Smerz on NTS
IT SEEMS REALLY EASY TO MAKE A GOOD-SOUNDING SONG THESE DAYS
Global Dan, “Off White”
OF ALL THE DOPE SHIT THAT FUTURE APPEARED ON THIS YEAR, THE MOMENT I WILL REMEMBER IS
That tiny pause before he sings “I need fresh air,” when he seems happy and content
IS THAT A GEORGE MICHAEL SAMPLE?
Mozzy, “Prayed for This”
THE FIX
C Struggs, “Go to Jesus”
"IT’S COOL, BUT IT’S NOT...END ZONE”
Lil Uzi Vert, “XO TOUR Llif3″
AN ALBUM BOOKENDED BY TOTALLY DIFFERENT KINDS OF COLIN KAEPERNICK/TAKE A KNEE REFERENCES
Miguel, War and Leisure
IT WAS A VERY GOOD YEAR
Brockhampton, Saturation I-III
SZA, Ctrl
SPEAKING OF SZA: WHAT A GREAT TITLE, BESIDES IT BEING ONE OF MY FAVORITE ALBUMS OF THE YEAR
Kingdom, Tears in the Club
THE KELELA ALBUM WAS LOVELY, AS ARE THESE
Kelela x Bok Bok, Dub Me Apart
A RANDOM YOUTUBE COVER THAT I ALSO LIKED, BECAUSE IT CAPTURED HOW MELODIC THE ORIGINAL ACTUALLY IS
Kathleen Nguyen covering Kendrick and Zacari’s “Love.”
DAMN. WAS GOOD
Almost as good as “The Heart Part 4″
LIKE A DE LA SOUL ALBUM, SOMETHING THAT I KNOW I WILL CONTINUE ENJOYING/UNDERSTANDING ANEW FOR YEARS TO COME
Tyler, the Creator, Flower Boy
”BLONDED RADIO” MADE ME JOIN APPLE MUSIC
Frank Ocean, “Chanel”
Frank Ocean, “Biking (solo)”
Tyler and Frank, “Where This Flower Blooms”
MACH HOMMY MAKES GOOD MUSIC THAT’S HARD TO ACCESS
“x Earl Sweatshirt” EP
ty Soundcloud
IT’S A WEIRD TIME B/W THIS BEAT IS SO DEMENTED
Tay-K, “The Race”
PROBABLY MY FAVORITE PHARRELL BEAT
Kap G f/ Pharrell, “Icha Gicha”
MAYBE THE GREATEST MUSIC EVER MADE, REISSUED
Pharoah Sanders
REMINDED ME OF PHAROAH, WHEN IT WASN’T REMINDING ME OF BON IVER
Joseph Shabason, Aytche
AND I ENJOYED AYTCHE FOR SIMILAR REASONS I LIKED ZONING OUT TO
Tom Rogerson and Brian Eno, Finding Shore
ANNUAL SLOT RESERVED FOR MUSIC I LOVED THAT FEATURED HARP
Alice Coltrane, World Spirituality Classics Vol 1
SAME, BUT FOR HARP STUFF THAT ALSO SHOUTS OUT WAWA
Mary Lattimore, Collected Pieces
ANNUAL SLOT RESERVED FOR TASTEFUL VIBRAPHONE
Jenifa Mayanja, “Warrior Strutt”
YOU TRYING TO GET THE PIPE, TO PLAY IT, OF COURSE, AS PART OF AN EXPERIMENTAL COMPOSITION?
Mary Jane Leach, Pipe Dreams
THERE’S A MOMENT DURING THAT BAD BOY DOCUMENTARY CAN’T STOP WON’T STOP WHERE IT BECOMES CLEAR THAT EVERYONE WHO WORKS CLOSELY WITH DIDDY EVENTUALLY TURNS TO GOD, AND IT WAS LIKE THE STRANGE OBVERSE OF
Jay Z et al, 4:44 footnotes
2016, BUT I SAT IN THE MET BREUER AND WATCHED THIS OVER AND OVER FOR ABOUT AN HOUR
Arthur Jafa, “Love is the Message, The Message is Death”
I WANT TO WATCH THE FULL FOUR HOURS OF THIS
Dev Hynes talking to Philip Glass
TRICKSTERY BUT KINDA MESMERIZING!
Klein, Tommy
Lolina, Lolita EP
Hype Williams, Rainbow Edition
“NOT ANOTHER GOT MORE SEOUL, UNLESS YOU KOREAN” (CHILLWAVE REMIX)
Mogwaa, Deja Vu
“THE TING GOES SKRRRAHH, PAP, PAP, KA-KA-KA/SKIDIKI-PAP-PAP, AND A PU-PU-PUDRRRR-BOOM/SKYA, DU-DU-KU-KU-DUN-DUN/POOM, POOM, YOU DON’ KNOW”
Big Shaq, “Mans Not Hot”
IBID., BUT “PERKY”
Drake, More Life
I WANTED TO LIKE THE WIZKID ALBUM MORE, BUT THIS WAS AWESOME
Tiwa Savage f/ Wizkid and Spellz, “Ma Lo”
LISTENED TO THIS QUITE A FEW TIMES SIMPLY BECAUSE ”BREAKING NEWS: WILD GOAT ON THE LOOSE” IS A WEIRD LINE
Lancey Foux f/ AJ Tracey, Kojey Radical and Jevon, “Wild Goat”
UNITED TIL I DIE BUT AJ TRACEY’S TOTTENHAM HOTSPUR KIT LAUNCH FREESTYLE HAD ME BUZZZZZZIN
AJ Tracey, “False 9″
DIFFERENT TIME OF DAY, KINDA LEFT ME SPEECHLESS
Grouper, “Children”
Colleen, A Flame my love, a frequency
Kara Lis Coverdale, Grafts
Ryuichi Sakamoto, async
LEFT RYUICHI SAKAMOTO ENVIOUS
Metaphors: Selected Soundworks from the Cinema of Apichatpong Weerasethakul
FROM OMNI TRIO TO THIS, A PRETTY VISIONARY CAREER
Robert Haigh, Creatures of the Deep
A SONG THAT FEATURED TWO PEOPLE WHO SHOULD BE PRETTY BIG IN THE NEXT COUPLE OF YEARS
DJDS f/ Amber Mark and Marco McKinnis, “Trees on Fire”
LIKE, THIS IS GREAT
Amber Mark, “Lose My Cool”
AWESOME YEAR FOR POTIONS
Social Lovers, “Drop Me a Line”
Boss, “Song for Gods”
WHISKED ME BACK TO MEMORIES OF the enormous room
Joakim, “Samurai”
Calvin Harris f/ Frank Ocean and Migos, “Slide”
Amp Fiddler, “I’m Feeling You”
Chaos in the CBD, Accidental Meetings
LIKE FALLING ASLEEP ON THE SUBWAY, OR A TRUCK HITTING A POTHOLE AND SPITTING OUT A RECORD COLLECTION, OR HEARING A NANOSECOND OF BRAND NUBIAN THROUGH SOMEONE’S HEADPHONES AS YOU PASS THEM ON THE STREET, IT’S A VIBE
Standing on the Corner, Red Burns
MIKE’S A SAVIOR
Mike
1. I SPENT A LOT OF TIME THIS YEAR THINKING ABOUT THE STRENGTH, ELASTICITY, FRAGILITY, GRAIN OF THE HUMAN VOICE AND SOME OF THIS WAS TOTALLY NECESSARY AND SUBLIME
Deep Throat Choir, Be Ok
Diamanda Galas, All the Way
Moses Sumney, Aromanticism
2. SO ACHINGLY GOOD AND INTIMATE, ESPECIALLY THAT FAINT CROAK IN THE FIRST CHORUS
Rostam f/ Kelly Zutrau, “Half-Light”
3. OF COURSE THESE WORLD-MAKERS TOO
Bjork, Utopia
Kaitlyn Aurelia Smith, The Kid
Valerie June, “Astral Plane”
3a. A STRANGE PROPOSITION THAT I ENDED UP ADORING
KAS covering Sade’s "By Your Side"
THE BAY AREA IS JUST DIFFERENT
Droop-E, Trillionaire Thoughts
Lil B, Black Ken
THE “BUILD YOU UP” VIDEO WAS FUN AND ALL BUT I’M REALLY GLAD THIS WASN’T THAT
Kamiayah, Before I Wake
THE BAY TO L.A. AND BACK AGAIN
Mozzy f/ G Perico, “Blammatory”
G Perico f/ Mozzy, “What’s Real”
GYEAH
MC Eiht, Which Way Iz West
OUTRUN THE BEAT
SOB x RBE, “Lane Changing 2″
BANDS THAT ALWAYS SOUND LIKE THEMSELVES, IN WAYS THAT I FIND COMFORTING
the xx, I See You
King Krule, The Ooz
SAME AS ABOVE, MIDDLE-AGED DIVISION
The Feelies, In Between
Slowdive, “Star Roving”
SOMEONE WHO SOUNDS LIKE NO ONE ELSE
Jlin, Black Origami
THE NEW NATIONAL ANTHEM
Dreezy f/ 6LACK and Kodak Black, “Spar”
I LOOKED UP EACH TIME THIS CAME ON THE SHUFFLE
Shanti Celeste, “Loop One/Selector”
PROBABLY MY FAVORITE SONG
GoldLink f/ Brent Faiyaz and Shy Glizzy, “Crew”
OR MAYBE
Jorja Smith x Preditah, “On My Mind”
THIS WAS SICK TOO
GoldLink & Co. covering Outkast’s “Roses”
MAYBE THE BEST SONG
J Hus, “Did You See”
ANOTHER YEAR, ANOTHER YEAR WHERE MY FAVORITE RELEASE WAS PROBABLY FROM YAEJI, THE “GLASSES FOGGING UP” LINE WAS VERY RELATABLE
Yaeji, EP2
THE SONG OF THE SPRING, SUMMER, WINTER
I MEAN, IT’S WAYNE’S WORLD, WE JUST LIVE IN IT
###
SIKH DEVOTIONAL MUSIC :: 2016
SPOOKY BLACK :: 2015
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Ep. 5 Transcript
Ep. 5 Alpine Escape - Chapter Five
Sophie: Previously on “Dungeons & Queers”...
[RECAP WITH MUSIC IN THE BACKGROUND]
Sophie: The villagers had been rescued and had gone down that path; basically, there’s a local village that some of them have heard of called Northpass Haven… It’s famed as being attacked by orcs and stuff like that and surviving.
With little protective outerwear, these former prisoners move slowly and begin to falter in the face of the relentless mountains.
Mara: We are sending the stronger people ahead and we are staying back with the people who are not doing quite as well.
Sophie: As the alpine forests fade into lush woodlands, a heavily fortified town’s outer wall made of very solid, vertically stacked logs appears in the distance. As you approach, a huge Orog emerges from the forest and fells 4 of the villagers before you can get to them. It’s 3 orcs and an orog - Yeah, you actually, you see Kenwick go down as the Orog sinks its axe into his chest.
[END RECAP]
Announcer: This show is part of the trans podcaster visibility initiative.
[THEME MUSIC]
Sophie: Okay
Credence: Let’s fucking do this cuz Lazza’s not
Mara: Ellywick’s fucking pissed
Credence: Alright. Initiative time?
Sophie: Initiative time
[DICE ROLLS]
Mara: Euch. It’s a garb roll
Sophie: What’d you get?
Credence: I got 17. [PAUSE] Okay???
Sophie: Yeah. It’s just, I’ve got 7 people in initiative right now.
Credence: So it’s an orog and 3 other orcs? Or just 2?
Sophie: Yup. 3 orcs.
Credence: Okay
Mara: 4 Enemies total
Joe: Dang. how’d they catch up with us?
Sophie: They’re very good at what they do.
Mara: Says Sophie. Says the DM whose upset with them trivializing her fights.
Sophie: This is in the plan! I can show you. I can show you - look!
Mara: [DISBELIEVING] Uh-huh. Uh-huh. [LAUGHING] Okay.
Sophie: I actually - I eliminated one orc because basically I took two encounters and mashed them up.
Mara: It’s a mash-terpiece.
Sophie: It’s a mash-terpiece. Yes. Okay! So, first in the order is the orc whose mother named it Orc 3
[SNICKERING]
Joe: Auch. That motherly love.
Sophie: Yeah. [DICE ROLLS] Awwww it’s a critical miss against Lazza.
Mara: Yayyyy!!! Ayyyyyy!
Sophie: [EXASPERATED] Oh boy.
Credence: Lazza just laughs at him.
Sophie: Yeah. I think actually in game he’s so surprised to see it’s you, that he just misses.
Mara: Heh! ~WhooOOooooh~
Sophie: “Wait. What’re you doing here” Okay! Lazza. You’re up next.
Credence: Okay. Lazza is going to rage. She’s . . . she’s . . . yeah. She’s fucking pissed about this situation. So that means that “she has advantages on strength checks and strength saving throws, + 2 damage with melee attacks, resistance to bludgeoning, slashing, and piercing damage.”
Sophie: Okay
Credence: ‘And it lasts for one minute or end when knocked out or if she hasn’t dealt any damage or taken any damage in a turn. She enters that as a bonus action. “ She’s gonna have her shield out and she’s gonna do a one handed swing with her battle axe at the dumbass who just tried to attack her.
Sophie: Okay
Credence: Well, actually, how close are the others?
Sophie: Close enough that you could attack them
Credence: Nahhh, nah. She’s gonna get rid of him. She’s not gonna Reckless Attack this time. [DICE ROLLS] Alright, so we’ve got an 11 . . . + 6 . . ..
Sophie: Yup. That does it
Credence: Okay. So 17. So she does 1d8 + 6 cuz she’s in rage.
Sophie: Okay
Credence: [DICE ROLLS] So 4 + 6 is 10.
Sophie: Okay. The orc is badly bloodied, but still on its feet. Kind of about to give up the ghost.
Next in the order is Defiance.
Joe: Alright. So. Curious to know if I’d be able to cast Spare the Dying which is a cantrip on one of the people that got felled. I guess I’m not sure
Credence: I’m guessing that E would want you to do that to Kenway
Mara: Yeah. Buuut.
Sophie: Hmmmm. Can you read me how that works?
Joe: Sure! “You touch a living creature that has 0 hit points. The creature becomes stable. The spell has no effect on undead or constructs.”
Sophie:Okay. So that’s if they’re still alive and not already dead. Like dead. Like not dead, dying. Okay. Is there a particular person you wanna target with this or just whichever one is closest?
Joe: I wanna do a medicine check to see if I can’t discern if at least one of the four people or maybe all four, who knows are indeed just dying and not dead dead.
Sophie: I’d say that’s a perception check cuz medicine is like your ability to heal them. Or maybe and investigation?
Credence: I thought medicine was also for checking the state of somebody’s wounds.
Sophie: Yeah, but given that you’re trying to do multiples -
Joe: S’kind of accessing each quickly
Sophie: And you’re not really trying to learn anything about their wounds, you’re just trying to figure out if they’re dead or not
[DICE ROLLS]
Joe: You said perception? That’s just a 10.
Sophie: I’ll say one of the villagers is fading fast. Kenway and the other four are dead.
Joe: Kay. Alright. Then, I’ll touch that person that is fading, stabilize them, and can I also cast Bless?
Sophie: Is Spare the Dying a cantrip?
Joe: Yes.
Sophie: Okay, then you can do that.
Joe: Then I cast Bless on Ellywick annnnd on Lazza
Sophie: Can you cast it on multiple people?
Joe: “Up to three creatures of my choice”
Sophie: Okay
Joe: “Within range” I’m guessing they’re both within about 30 feet?
Sophie: Yeah and you can cast it on yourself too.
Joe: ‘Kay. I was just gonna ask. Then I’m gonna cast it on myself too then.
Sophie: Unless you wanna cast it on the orog . . .?
[SNICKERS]
Joe: Uhhhhh . . . Pass. So. “Whenever a Blessed creature makes an attack roll or a saving throw before the spell ends, the target can roll a d4 and add the number rolled to the attack or saving throw”
Sophie: And that’s not like a one time use. You can just do that, no?
Joe: Yup
Credence: Okay. And how long does the spell last?
Joe: One minute.
Sophie: Ten rounds of combat. Okay! So you consider yourselves Blessed.
Ellywick! You are up next.
Mara: Who put the axe through Kenway’s chest again?
Sophie: We will say the orog did.
Mara: Ellywick is gonna run up to the orog. Cuz I’m assuming that Defiance and Lazza are out of the way of this? At least not within a fifteen foot cube?
Sophie: Yes
Mara: Annnnd Ja boi the orog must make a constitution saving throw cuz Ellywick is going to cast Thunderwave.
Joe: [PAINED] Ooooh.
[DICE ROLL}
Sophie: Ooohhh. 18 plus-
Mara: Yeah that saves. Don’t even worry about it.
Sophie: 18 plus 4 is 22 [LAUGHING]
Mara: Can I use my point of inspiration?
Credence: [INTRIGUED] Ooooooh.
Sophie: Let’s ask Google? Can Inspiration give disadvantage?
Mara: Cuz they’re full of this unholy rage and . . . .I mean it doesn’t matter cuz they’ll still take damage.
Sophie: Yeah. I think I’m gonna allow it because in this stance, you’re not even allowed to make a roll. You in this case - If you were making a ranged attack, you would be able to use that, so it seems acceptable to me that you would be able to use that here.
Mara: Okay
Credence: Mmhmm
Sophie: I think that that’s fine. And if I’m wrong, don’t tweet at me. Consider it a house rule.
[DICE ROLLS] Oof-a-doof-a 4 +
Credence: 4?
Sophie: 4 + 4 is 8
Mara: Yeah. That doesn’t save. So . . . 2d8 fire damage - Er- Thunder damage is 7? Would I just add my spell attack bonus?
Sophie: Your spell modifier.
Mara: Oh! In which case is 12.
Sophie: Okay. 12 damage . . .
Joe: Niiiice
Mara: And push ten feet away
Sophie: We’ll say . . . I’ll give you given that it’s a 15 foot cube, I’ll give you one other orc was in there.
Mara: Okay!
Sophie: 12 damage you said? Pick Orc 1 or Orc 2?
Mara: [DEEP SIGH] Orc 1
Sophie: Okay then he’s killed. He has very low health to begin with. I knew that it would do - He had 12 health so it literally -
Joe: Oh wow!
Sophie: I couldn’t make that choice.
Mara: Nice!
[SOMEONE BLOWS A RASPBERRY]
Joe: Murderation!
Sophie: It felt like cheating for me to make that choice having seen it.
Mara: How’s the orog looking?
Sophie: The orog’s fine . . .Pissed off, but fine.
Mara: Sonofa bitch.
Sophie: It’s got a nosebleed.
Credence: It’s the big guy, guys. This is final boss territory.
Sophie: Yup. This fight has a challenge rating well above two, I will tell you.
Credence: Alright.
Joe: [SARCASTICALLY] Yayyyyy
Sophie: So! Next in the order iiiiiis . . . Orc 1 who was just killed, so the orog! Actually. Who is going to run up to Ellywick. [DICE ROLLS] 12 + 6 is 18 vs. AC?
Mara: Yeah. That does it.
Sophie: One d12 plus 4 . . .
Mara: [PAINED] Ohhh God!
[DICE ROLLS]
Sophie: 12 + 4 is 16 damage! -
Mara: Ouch!
Sophie: -with his great axe.
Mara: Oof-a-doof-a. I am currently sitting at . . . 3 health points
Joe: Whhoooooo Boy
Mara: That hurts.
Sophie: You got his attention.
Mara: I guess so!
Credence: Oh boy.
Sophie: Next is Orc 2 who is gonna make an attack on Defiance [DICE ROLLS] What is that? I can’t see
Mara & Joe: 16
Sophie: 16 well that’s enough. It’s 16 plus something.
Joe: Yeah I was gonna say that definitely hits.
Sophie: 16 plus 5 is 21. For all of you that have a hard-on for stats.
[CHUCKLING]
Sophie: Okay. And it’s going to make 1d12 + 3 [DICE ROLLS]
Mara: Shit!
Sophie: Another 12! 12 + 3. 15 damage
Joe: Oof!
Mara: Huh! None of us are looking to hot. Well. Lazza’s fine.
Credence: I’ve got . . . I mean. We never rested, so I still only have 20 hit points?
Joe: Mmmmm?
Mara: Yeah, but compared to Joe’s 2 and my 3 . . .
Credence: Yeah, if we could do a mass heal, that would be raaaaaad.
Sophie: So next in the order is Orc 3! Top of the order. Who is going to make an attack on Lazza
Credence: Alright
[DICE ROLLS]
Sophie: 14 . . . + 5 . . . 19?
Credence: How the fuck does he have a +5!? That just barely hits.
Sophie: Okay. 1 d12 + 3. 6
Credence: Total of 6?
Sophie: Yeah. Total of 6 slashing damage, which you have resistance to.
Credence: So that means I get 3? Damage, right?
Sophie: Yup.
Credence: Cool! Is it my turn yet?
Sophie: It is your turn. The Orc 3 that just attacked you looks very, very bad off. Very easy to kill. Orc 2 is completely undamaged and looks very robust. And the orog is obviously still doing fine.
Credence: Okay. I’m gonna go ahead and do a Reckless Attack on . .. Orc 2.
Sophie: Okay
Credence: I’m still also Enraged.
Sophie: Yup
[DICE ROLLS]
Credence: AHahah! Second one was a crit!
So I’m doing 1d8 er- like. I’m doing one handed battle axe. I’ve still got my shield out. So that means I roll .. . 3? D8s?
Sophie: Yeah. 3. Cuz you’re a barbarian.
Credence: Yeah because I’ve got the plus one damage dice for on a crit cuz of Savage Attack. And then it’s already a crit. So 3d8 . . . plus 6.
Sophie: Yup
[DICE ROLLS]
Credence: We gotta 6 . . . got an 8! . . . and another 8! So that’s 22 plus . . . 6. So that’s gonna be 28.
Sophie: You take this thing’s head right off.
Joe: Nice
Credence: Excellent! I think When Lazza’s enraged, she’s just like . . .
Joe: UNSTOPPABLE
Credence: Well. I think she’s like laughing like she’s having a ton of fun, but she’s also like screaming in rage. Like it’s back and forth and she’s just . . . a little deranged? But y’know she’s focusing really nicely on what she’s doing, so there’s that.
Sophie: Okay! Next in the order is Defiance
Joe: Okay! So. What is left?
Sophie: Orc 3 is looks really bad off and the orog is looking fine.
Mara: Wait. I thought Lazza just killed Orc 3?
Credence: No. I went after Orc 2 which hadn’t been hit at all.
[CHORUS OF OH’S]
Sophie: Fuckin’ destroyed it in one hit. And that was the toughest of all the orcs. Just so you know.
Joe: Nice!
Credence: Excellent. So the - honestly. [STAGE WHISPERED] I think you should heal.
Joe: Yup. So what I’m gonna do is I’m gonna . . . spend my last spell slot to cast Cure Wounds, but I’m also going to use the War Priest ability? I guess you’d call it? Just “Your god delivers bolts of inspiration to you while you are engaged in battle. When you use the attack action, you can make one attack as a bonus action.”
Sophie: But you’re not using the attack action
Joe: Aw fuck. You’re right. Hmmmm.
Sophie: So you gotta pick.
Joe: Shit. Well, I’ll have to use that next round I guess.
Sophie: You can cast a spell and a cantrip this round if there’s a cantrip you wanna cast.
Joe: Mmm. Yeah Maybe. Can I make one more perception check to see if among the people that got cut down, if I missed anybody?
Sophie: If you wanna re-roll your perception check, yeah.
Joe: ‘Kay. If maybe on a second look around [DICE ROLLS] [MUTTERING] That will beee . . . 17?
Sophie: Yeah. You saw everything that there was to see.
Joe: Aw fuck it. As a cantrip, I’ll do Thaumaturgy. I’ll make some of them tremors again. Maybe it’ll at least
Mara: Scurr it.
Joe: Yeah. Maybe it’ll give the orog or the other orc some sort of pause, like. [IN A SILLY VOICE] “Hmmm maybe there are others that we missed”
Sophie: Okay
Joe: You never know.
Sophie:But you wanted to cast Cure Wounds?
Joe: But I cast Cure Wounds on myself.
Sophie: On yourself?
Credence: How - How’re you doing? Cuz Ellywick has 3 hit points.
Mara: They’re at 2.
Joe: I have 2 hit points.
Credence: Ooooh. Yeah go ahead and do that.
Mara: Yeah neither of us are well off right now. So.
Joe: Yeah. And if I’m not mistaken, doesn’t Ellywick have Cure Wounds as well?
Mara: I have Cure Wounds.
Sophie: Okay! Roll that dice.
Joe: [DEEP SIGH] Alright.
[SIMULTANEOUSLY]
Sophie: 1d8 plus your spell casting
Joe: [MUTTERED] 1d8 plus my spell casting
Joe: So. [LONG BREATH] [DICE ROLLS]. Aw. That’s disappointing. Just 6. So I’m up to 8.
Sophie: Okay.
Credence: It’s better than nothin’
Sophie: Next in the order is Ellywick.
Mara: Okay. Well. Ellywick is gonna cast Cure Wounds on themself. [DICE ROLLS] Euch! Uh! Christ! Okay. So I get 5 points back, so I am also now at 8 health points.
Joe: Heyyyyy!
Mara: And then as a free action, I’m gonna cast Vicious Mockery. One sec . . . Let me find an insult here.
Credence: Who’re you casting it on?
Mara: It would probably kill Orc . . . which number is it?
[CHORUS OF 3’s]
Mara: Orc 3
Joe: Yeah, whichever one’s left.
Sophie: They were brothers.
Joe: Whomp-whomp
Sophie: Orc 1, Orc 2, Orc 3
Credence: [SINGING] “Heyyyy, brother . . .”
Sophie: [FORCEFULLY] NO. DON’T.
Credence: Just fucking with ya
Sophie: It’s such a good song and it’s gonna make me cry. Especially with that Adventure Zone animation of it.
Credence: I know
Joe: Mmmmmm?
Mara: I think Ellywick is gonna turn to good ol’ Orc 3 and say
Ellywick: Hey! Fuck face! You’re the reason baby gnomes cry.
[DICE ROLLS TWICE]
Mara: For fuck’s sake. That’s a one.
Sophie: Okay. HE is damaged but not down.
Mara: Cuz I don’t add my spell attack bonus to that do I?
Sophie: Hold on. Let me look it up.
Mara: I wouldn’t think so . . . Yeah. I don’t think it does. - Oh! Also! Something I’ve been for- well I’ve just killed everything with it so far. It has disadvantage on its next attack.
Joe: Oh! Nice.
Credence: That’s good.
Joe: Yeah! That’s helpful. It’s the sort of thing that it would normally take pride in, but there’s some part of it that’s -
Sophie: Oh wait! Shouldn’t he have to take a Wisdom saving throw before he takes that damage.
Joe: Oh! Yeah.
Mara: Yeah!
[DICE ROLLS]
Sophie: 19
Joe: Shit!
Mara: Oh. He saves.
Sophie: Yeah
Mara: He’s proud then.
Sophie: He’s like
Orc 3: Yeah! I am! I am the reason baby gnomes cry
Joe: [AS ORC 3]: Glad you could recognize that.
Credence: [AS ORC 3]: I’ve worked really hard to build up this aesthetic.
[CROSSTALK AND CHUCKLING]
Sophie: Okay! What did you wanna-? Oh you cast Cure Wounds as your action.
Mara: Yyup
Sophie: Okay! Next up is the orog
Mara: [WHISPERED]: Fuck!
Sophie: Who is going to make another attack on Ellywick.
Mara: [WHISPERED]: Fuck!
Credence: [PAINED] Ohhh!
[DICE ROLLS]
Sophie: Hold on . . . . That was 13 vs. AC?
Mara: Urhg. Tie goes to the runner. FUCK!
Sophie: That is 1d12
Mara: [LAUGH/CRYING]
Sophie: 1d12 plus 4
[DICE ROLLS] 7 plus 4 11
Mara: Kay. I’m at 8-11. -3. So we’re gonna need to make some death saving throws
Sophie: Which is always exciting. Okay! Next in the order is Orc 3!
Joe: [SOFTLY] Yayyy!
Sophie: Who is going to make an attack on . . . I think he’s not the most strategic in the world, he’s just gonna keep making the attack on Lazza. [DICE ROLLS] Oof. Oof-a-doof-a! That is . .. 20 . . . something.
Credence: Yyyup.
Sophie: 20- something. 23.
Credence: Yyyyyuup. [DICE ROLLS] Was that a - it wasn’t a crit though, right?
Sophie: No. That is 13 slashing damage, which you are resistant to. So do we round up or down?
Mara: Up.
Sophie: Up. So 7 slashing damage.
Credence: Alright. I’m down to 10 hit points.
Joe: Shit.
Sophie: It’s gonna be very interesting if you all die here.
Mara: [SINGSONG] 13 more than I have~
Sophie: And that was the podcast!
Joe: Neat!
Credence: Is it my turn now?
Sophie: It is!
Credence: Does it count as an action to give someone a healing potion?
Sophie: Not to give one, but to use one.
Credence: Okay. So here’s the thing folks. I have a healing potion. But I feel like we’re better off trying to take these guys down. As quickly as possible.
Joe: Mmmmm
Mara: Yeah, I’d say that’s fair.
Credence: So like, I think I’m gonna attack to Orog this turn and then yeah .. . god dammit. Yeah. I think seeing Ellywick get taken down Lazza is going to do a Reckless Attack against the Orog and at this point she’s got her axe out. She’s put her shield away, she’s doin’ her axe two handed against this fucker.
Sophie: Okay.
[DICE ROLLS TWICE]
Credence: Oookay. So I’ve got . . . 25! Does that it?
Sophie: That hits
Credence: Alright, so I get 1d10 plus 6. That’s a 9! So 15 damage.
Sophie: Oof-a-doof-a
Joe: Nice!!!
Credence: Again, to the orog
Mara: Well and can you add Bless to attack rolls? Or is it only saving?
Credence: Oh! Can I add Bless to damage?
Sophie: Not to damage, but to attack rolls.
Mara: Aw okay.
Sophie: Yeah, which that already hit. Okay! He looks pretty bad off. The Orog does. Next in the order is Defiance.
Lazza: Take him down!
Joe: In that case . . .hmm. Curious about this. Since I’m technically gonna do an attack, can I do Spare the Dying on Ellywick and then the two attacks using that War Priest ability?
Sophie: Is that War Priest ability - does it say it’s a bonus action?
Joe: Yes
Sophie: Then, no. you can only have one bonus action.
Credence: I mean, I think Ellywick . . . You can cast Spare the Dying before Ellywick’s next death saving throw.
Sophie: IF! You’re up and alive.
Credence: Sorry, what?
Sophie: If Defiance is still up and alive.
Joe: Well then perhaps keeping more with the character, I’ll do Spare the Dying and then one attack.
Sophie: I mean, this is a pretty desperate situation, so I’m not gonna be like “That’s not a logical character choice”
Joe: No, I know. But . . .
Sophie: Cuz like, Ellywick hasn’t even made one death saving throw.
Credence: I think we should - I think you should try to do -
Joe: [RESIGNED]: I’ll do two attacks.
Sophie: Yeah. Cuz like. I’m the DM. Y’all can do whatever you want.
[DICE ROLLS]
Credence: Who are you attacking?
Joe: Can I split my attack between once with the orc and once with the oroc? Or do I have to attack the same thing twice.
Credence: I honestly - What kind of damage are you rolling? What does your warhammer do?
Sophie: Bludegeoning
Credence: Right. But like 1 d8
[CROSSTALK]
Joe: 1d8+3
Credence: Honestly, I think Lazza’s gonna shout
Lazza: TAKE OUT THE BIG GUY!
Credence: Cuz like, honestly. He still has his turn left and he does a lot of hits.
Joe: Yeah. That’s true.
Credence: 3 has already gone.
Sophie: I will say because you would have noticed by now, the orog is wearing plate armour which is very thick.
Joe: ‘Kay. And just so you know, I’m gonna do the extra Bless for both my attacks too.
[DICE ROLLS] So. Then . . .21 is the first attack. Second attack . . . 22.
Sophie: Those are both against the orog?
Joe: Yeah
Sophie: Alright Yeah. Those are both gonna hit. Good job with that Bless spell.
Joe: Aw thanks. [DICE ROLLS] Auch. Bless.
[LAUGHTER]
Joe: Literally. Okay, So. First attack, 9 damage. Second attack is . . .11
Sophie: Okay!
Credence: TWENTY DAMAAAGE
Sophie: You just smash him in the chest twice and his platemail armour just collapses in and he goes down.
Mara: Whooo!
Joe: Auch! Thank god.
Mara: Alright time for me make a saving throw?
Sophie: Yup! Make a death saving throw, Ellywick.
Credence: Wait! So, the orog is dead?
Sophie: Yup! The orog is dead.
Lazza: YESS! GOOD JOB!
Sophie: Ellywick just rolled a critical 20 on a death saving throw so you are stable.
Mara: Oh! [CLAPS HANDS] That’s good!
Joe: Good!
Mara: I didn’t know that’s how that worked.
Joe: Yayyyyyy
Sophie: Yeah, It doesn’t work that way on a critical miss, but on a critical save, you are stable.
Mara: Bless!
Joe: Cool!
Sophie: Next is Orc 3 who is gonna run and make an attack on Defiance who just killed his boss.
[DICE ROLLS]
Joe: Alright
Sophie: What is that?
Joe: Yeah, that definitely hits.
Mara: 14
Joe: Yeah, I gotta 12.
Sophie: Okay. 1d12 + 3 [DICE ROLLS] [LAUGHS] That’s 4 damage.
Joe: Nice. Down to four.
Sophie: Kinda- Kinda clips ya
Joe: Argh.
Mara: ‘Sokay cuz clips pretty bad right now
Joe: Right. Auch. [SUCKS IN AIR]
Sophie: And actually, both of you that are still conscious go ahead and make a perception check.
Joe: Perception? Okay.
[DICE ROLLS]
Credence: I’m gonna add-
Joe: 13
Credence: I’m gonna add the Bless thing, cuz it’s on any check right?
Sophie: It’s not a saving throw or an attack, so no.
[DICE ROLLS]
Credence: Eh-heh. Lazza got a 6.
Sophie: Okay. I think Lazza doesn’t notice, but Defiance notices the gates of the town opening and people rushing out with like - armed people rushing out. So next in the order iiiis . .. . Lazza
Credence: Alright. Llazza’s fucking done with this shit. She’s going to Recklless Attack Orc number 3. Gonna add that d4 as well. Cuz we’re not - We’re not fucking around her. And she’s doing two handed battle axe. [DICE ROLLS] [MUTTERING] Okay . . . so there’s that one. I’m gonna roll both cuz I wanna see if I can crit [DICE ROLLS] Noooooo. Okay. First one was 19?
Sophie: Yup! That hits.
Credence: Alright, so we get 1d10 + 6 [DROPS DICE] Oops! Sloppy dice. Sloppy, sloppy dice. Alright she only hits for 8.
Sophie: Yup! That is more than enough. You kill this last orc as the village militia runs up to you.
Credence: Phbth. Oh boy
Lazza: I’m not one of them! I just - I just stopped ‘em!
Sophie: Okay. So. Yeah. You all are the remaining villager that you spared - and kind of all the bodies are brought in.
Joe: I thought there was like 2? And then one that I spared that got cut down.
Credence: No there was two - well two died earlier. And then we got four . .. .
Sophie: Oh yeah! There were four remaining villagers and they ran off and they were actually probably pounding on the doors and they’re what allerted the local militia that something was even up.
Joe: Okay! Gotcha, gotcha.
Credence: And then the four who went down, you stabilized one of them?
YEah
Joe: I’ll carry that one in.
Sophie: Death shrouds are put over the lost, and
Mara: Ellywick unconsciouses unconsciously
Credence: Lazza’s carrying . . .I think Lazza picked up Ellywick. I think Lazza picked up Ellywick and is kind of barking orders at the people making sure that they’re really carefluy with Kenway. And like, also kind of trying to make sure that they don’t do anything with Kenway until Ellywick is awake.
Mara: Awwwe
Sophie: Okay. Yeah.
Joe: Say some last rights for them.
Sophie: I think that’s the episode. The next one we will deal with the conclusion of this and some table talk
Mara: Cool!
Credence: Lookit! Lazza cares about Ellywick.
Mara: [LAUGHING] I know, I know.
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