#how do i get out of these fucking trips
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Ive gotten myself into multiple pickles and it's not good !
I'm currently in a psych hospital, for the month, which is fine, I'm trying to stabilise and it's working, except it's not bc in may I have to go on 2 interstate trips (with 1 day in the middle), then I have a bunch of stuff to do and then uni starts (and my job but I'm gonna pull out of that)
I'm worried bc every time I come out of hospital I overspend my energy and wind up going back in due to burnout, this time the energy overspend is.. all booked and paid for.. and I can't stay in hospital longer if I need to.. and I can't go back in for months, until unis over.. I want to cancel one or both trips but as I said. booked and paid for. I'm drowning help
#im also mad bc like#its an old problem#but i am very alone with all the things#i dont talk to anyone when im not well#im voraciously avoiding any kind of content where ppl are in relationships#like even just tiktoks by people who have partners#cause like#thats probably never gonna happen for me#i cant talk to friends about anything#cant talk to my parents#not able to date probably ever#and what happens when youre completely alonenwith it all#is you go crazy and end up in hospital all the time lol#ive been in hospital a total of 7 and a half months now in the span of a year and a half#ed mumbles#how do i get out of these fucking trips#im not gonna enjoy either of them probably#cause ill be just so tired and anxious about starting uni in the middle of burnout
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Appreciation post for 'girly girl' characters and/or shows that celebrate traditionally feminine things that girls and women are shamed for.
Characters on this list that love makeup, fashion, hair, etc. Characters that are still written as strong, intelligent, brave, etc. That told young girls that these interests are valid, they are not lesser interests. Being feminine and liking traditionally feminine things does not make them weak.
#I'm so glad I got to grow up with these girls#I was originally gonna make a post of Barbie Daphne and Stella and be like. They remind me so much of each other#And how much I love characters like them#Because I do#But then I was like fuck it let's just make a post for all the girly girls because they're so good#So here we are. In a world of misogyny. We still have them. And I am so greatful#I'm sad I missed out on celebrating my femininity and stuff like this in my teen years because of just. Stuff I was going through#But I'm glad I'm doing it now. I've been getting into makeup for the past year. Mostly eye it's so fun#The Barbie movie. Dressing up for it. Being proud makeup and skirts and dressing up like I did as a girl. God it was so wonderful#I've not felt this connected to this part of myself in years. It has helped to much#It reminded me of my love for Barbie. The movies. The fairies and mairmaids. The bright colours and fashions#And my love for all of these shows. The outfits and designs I fell in love with. The friendships and sisterhoods in all of them.#Yes it's just Rarity. I know some of the others girls also fit. But some don't as much so I didn't wanna just put a group one#And I know Kim and some others aren't as girly as others. But she's still a good example.#Her and Monique's shopping trip and other stuff is engraved into my mind. I actually think about them a lot I love them#Daphne was also a masisve awakening for me. I had such a crush on her. And the Hex Girls.#If you're wondering why other shows aren't on here. Like Trollz or Powerpuff Girls or something. It's msotly based on what I watched#And I didn't really watch them I'm sorry but feel free to add more.#We're ignoring how I mispelled mermaids. I'm not going back to change that tag.#Anyway I love women basically. We're awesome.#Barbie#Scooby Doo#Bratz#Monster High#Kim Possible#My Little Pony#Winx#Mew Mew Power
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Father!!! 🔥🔥🔥🔥
#caluuart#genshin impact#genshin#art#arlecchino#god she's just so. cool. pretty. ethereal. badass.#also I LOVE HER STORY QUEST SO MUCH!! I think it's definitely one of the best story quests in the game tbh.#wait uh arlecchino story quest spoilers below:#for one; the quest really gives even more depth to arlecchino's character. like yeah the whole thing is well. messed up.#it's an orphanage that raises orphans to be child soldiers after all. But it's also like. It's more.... humane? nicer? for the fatui anyway#which does bring me to the next thing. you know how arlecchino's like “if you're gonna leave the HotH you need to fight for it with ur life#I genuinely think that she's gonna just. straight up kill them. although it's not unlikely at all it turns out that (most of the time?) she#-just gives them a one trip to memory loss and set them free. which i do know it's kinda like death in genshin's lore but still.#I just find that pretty interesting.#also the cutscene where clervie says goodbye n stuff. It makes me cry EVERY TIME. ARGHHHH TRAGIC CHILDHOOD DOOMED YURI MY BELOVED :(((#clervie makes me so sad man. the fact that she just. accepts death. she really just let peruere kill her huh. crucabena when I fucking get#the hopelessness getting to her at that point. all attempts of freedom failed until that day..... GOD. and clervie finally getting closure-#-in the story quest as a spirit... I just..... man.........#on a lighter note :)#I got obsessed with a bloodborne OST LMAO. the uhh the lugwig boss theme. esp the sec phase one. it's SO GOOD. I first heard abt it in a-#-vid analyzing the ost musically. At the time i was like. woah. cool. what a cool sounding track. fast foward to like. a day before 4.6#I'm watching a genshin theory video and I heard the music in the bg. I recognized it but I couldn't remember where I heard it from#UNTIL I REMEMBERED. and looked it up. And I have not known peace since. good music.#anw I've been rambling too much so yeah. gn my dear fellows!!
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anyway in an absolutely wild turn of events I think I’m free of my hideous job and like. substantially richer for it??? lmao 2023 you really owed me
#ok so this a lot of personal shit but I’m just gonna incredulously vent into the tags#like I don’t even know how to describe what 2023 in this job has been like lol#since April they’ve been insulting and scrutinising and scapegoating me over absolutely everything#they were really angling for just firing me outright for never measuring up to their constantly shifting and increasingly bizarre goalposts#and it got so personal man they kept insisting that it wasn’t but my god#then my dad gets sick and it suddenly becomes awkward for them to keep insulting and overworking me#so they switch to just ignoring me entirely so they don’t have to reckon w what me and my family are going through#like they never ask how he is or how things are going just every Friday they say hey do you reckon you can take more work on again?#and THEN I get a gut infection and suddenly im being guilt tripped for taking sick leave and pestered for evidence#it was giving like ‘we had to give you time off for your dad but now you’re taking the piss’#to the point I DID reach out to a third party at the company and was like ‘I’m sorry but why the fuck are they treating me like this’#and she was like ‘confidentially this is disgusting and I advise you to report it’#WHEN SUDDENLY I get back from sick leave and it’s like ‘the business is falling short so we have to make some redundancies….’#and now they’ve had to pay me a SUBSTANTIAL sum to fuck off!!! I think I win???#like I was so close to quitting but thank god I didn’t because now I’m getting a sweet deal to fuck off with no notice lmao#i leave end of the month#at first I was shocked like y’all really doing this now??? but suddenly I’m like. this is the best possible thing that could’ve happened#I spoke to that third party again and she was like ‘I am so happy for you’ like omfg it was a curveball but we’ll take it!!!#I’m fucking outta here and in due course I WILL be writing on glassdoor how fucked they are
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i feel so cute with my hair like this :•) i don’t feel like i’m not cosplaying as someone else anymore, i feel like me
#it’s crazy how much a haircut can do for someone’s mental state#lmao like i know a mullet isn’t conventionally pretty in the eyes of a lot of people…#but idk i feel like i would fuck me whenever i see me in the mirror now 🤣🤣🤣 it satisfies the gay in me if that makes sense ?????#i feel like it has to do with the male vs female gaze#and i feel like before i appealed to the male gaze and now i don’t :) i appeal to my gaze 🤣🤣🤣#idk i’m rambling at this point but im happy :•)#and i seen my crush yesterday and she complimented it and honestly if i wasn’t sold on the hair before after she said she liked it#i was like ok if u like it i love it 😻🥰🤭#it’s kind of funny bc i told my hair dresser to freestyle it#and she ended up doing the pink streak… which kinda matches the red streaks in her hair 🤭🤭🥰🥰#and it just made me so happy 🤣 i feel like we’re opposites but like the same! like the black and pink house meme literally#when i saw her bedroom it was literally ALL black everything was black ceilings walls decor with red accents. my place is pink and white 😂#but both maximalists and love art and cute little cool stuff and stuffed animals im over here already picturing how i’d decorate 😆#like i would be so down to keep the black interior bc it feels so cozy… as long as we have a bunch of cool lamps and fairly lights and stuf#which when i met her friend we were talking about mushrooms and she had mentioned how i really love making my spaces colorful &trip-friendl#and she told her friend ‘she decorates the way i want to decorate :•)’ and i thought it made me so happy 😁#im so glad i’ve met her my life has improved so much and i am convinced she is a real life angel…#she inspires me soooo much and i am addicted to being in her company#i love hearing her talk i could listen forever to all the things she has to say#i feel so motivated to heal and become my best self bc i want to treat her the way she deserves and i really really don’t want to fumble he#i don’t want to fuck up which i have no intentions of hurting her but I don’t ever want to hurt her ever…. i want her to feel safe with me#god if i get this girl…… i promise i will be so careful with her heart… i will treat her with so much love and gentleness#i’m literally going insane no man has ever made me feel this way not even close 😭😭😭 i’m fully convinced i’m a lesbian now with how much#i like her LMAO either i’m a lesbian and never Truly loved the men i was with. or soulmates are real 🤣#man if this doesn’t work out i’m literally staying single for years it’s her or nobody#as soon as i met her everything in my life made sense#the coincidences can’t be ignored
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5 AM
Just me and my overactive mind facing the nighttime again 🙃
#hopefully the meds work but while waiting for them to kick in I get so damn nervous#and sometimes I do get nights where even on my full dose my anxiety is too overpowering and I just. Do Not Sleep#I mean I do eventually but not without spiraling first :')#way before I was prescribed sleep meds my longest was 3 nights without sleep while on a VERY stressful trip#I felt like I was gonna die and I did not sleep until I got off the plane and was back at home#(this was like 15 years ago already but it still haunts me fhfgsgdh)#my best friend and I were having a conversation today#and she was like 'not sleeping can make you hallucinate right?'#and I was like :') I get the hallucinations in other scenarios too#BUT I also get what she meant#not sleeping is really bad for me mentally which is why I can't do 'sleep restriction therapy'#and fun fact#a lot of my OCD obsessions revolve around sleep!!!#which is 'awesome' because laying in bed with insomnia makes my OCD flare up so like#the two get to feed off each other and make my life a living hell!!!#and don't even get me started on my sleep paralysis episodes#(which I like to think of as just my brain misfiring but that my aunt tells me is saints or demons trying to talk to me)#'cause she hallucinates too but hers are like 'spiritual' or whatever#same with my mom's hallucinations as well#and to add fuel to the dumpster fire of my mind and body is the fact I've been overcaffeinating again#which I've known not to do ever since I was in middle school and saw the pediatric cardiologist who specifically said 'hey don't do that'#fast-forward to adulthood and I still haven't learned how to handle anything#like. I have heart meds and sleep meds and migraine meds and IBS meds#and yes meds are good but like. I know you need to incorporate lifestyle changes as well#which I do for like 2 weeks until the next time I fuck up#I've been so irresponsible lately but like. ESPECIALLY today#didn't eat#took some meds on an empty stomach and forgot to take my other ones at all#had too much caffeine#stressed out over some stupid situations thanks to overthinking
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Listen I'm so glad I remembered there's a blender here because I made the nicest coffee drink today holy shit
it had froth on top and everything Like???
Who Am I??
#when I get out of my depression and realize I can do things#it's a trip#like I know how to cook and clean?? what the fuck
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It's supposed to thunderstorm on Saturday so our camping trip got cancelled a-fucking-gain. I'm so bummed out.
New weekend plans I guess 🍹🥴
#going out drinking with my parents then bbq-ing back at their place tomorrow#and sunday my friends and i might go hiking and chill at the beach? thats still a maybe plan though#just sooooooo upset that both camping trips we booked got rained out#how are you supposed to book trips.. it just sucks.. camping sites sell out as soon as they're available in march#like my friend had to set a timer and book as soon as they opened bookings#so what awful luck that the two weekends he booked got rained out#im just so mad that it happened with both trips#were trying to plan a rescheduled trip but weekends are fully booked until fall and not everyone could make a mid week trip#i think my bf and i might just plan a random mid week camping trip because fuck i wanna do at least 1 trip#😭#anyway time to get drunk and play video games i guess.. been so bummed out all day
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anyways since I’m clearing out my screenshots folder: here’s a compilation of assorted bugs and glitches
#fo4#alternatively titled: danse goes on a trip to a really fancy zoo where he sees gorillas and sits down and even volunteers to clean up#I have no idea why I always have companions go with me to places like the institute and kellogg’s memories#do you know how hard it is to run through kellogg’s memories when you have 4-5 companions with you? it’s fucking hard#fo4 screenshots#my screenshots#fun fact my game actually doesn’t get that many dramatic glitches. it just crashes instead lmao#sometimes looksmenu bugs out and does weird shit#before anyone says it: yes im aware these are all mod glitches. yes I know I’m doing it to myself
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.
#so after a trip to the dentist to pull out two sutures on thursday#then a trip to urgent care because i got sick and fainted TWICE on friday#and being put on a special mouthwash antibiotics and round the clock painkillers#i can sort of move my jaw again#i haven't properly eaten in 7 days; all i can think about are wendy's chicken nuggets ;_;#they're soft and yummy and i'm so fucking hungry#but alas it is another 4 hours till my shift ends#i lost 15 pounds in the past couple of days and while yay (been trying to get a lower weight) this is NOT how i wanted to DO SO#shut up ace#vent post#i just want chicken nuggets ;_;
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peep peep 🐁..
#chattin#waitin to be picked up from my aunts house#dogsitting while she was on a trip w my mom and sister#so im going to sit here and chat about some stuff#SFW this time im going to behave !#thinking of ph#i like writing him as a fucked up lil guy….#got obsessed; mistook possessive behavior for love oopsie !#i think he would be REALLY hurt postgame#he was doing a GOOD job! he was trying to help peppino get rid of his shoddy shop!!!#bc owning a business is sooooo taxing and why do that when u can just work for someone and get paid good money !#and no one has ever like. so blatantly and ANGRILY said NO to him before :( he is experiencing failure AND rejection for the first time#sucks ass#but i want him to be happy so like. eventually he has to deal w that failure#and he sees peppino like. still running a shop. but hes not angry like when they first met hes like#vibin!#hes in the back making food and occassionally he takes front and deals w customers and theyre weird but bearable#people TRAVEL to this little shop at the edge of the forest!#and he doesnt get it its like the food comes out slow and the tvs arent loud enough to hear anything and the prices are higher-#-than ANY fast food joint and yet people still come by…he has REGULARS…how…#hes so inefficient…and yet….#peppino is really angry and dismissive of ph at first; he does NOT want to see his ugly mug and hes tempted to chase him out#but gus is levelheaded (like always peppino notes) and hes like its not worth it ; hes harmless#and over time that anger simmers out into being JUST dismissive and grumpy#but he tolerates him and eventually tolerates his questions#and peppino is like. u know thats why i was so damn pissed at u. thinking there was nothing this owning shit#this shit takes time so i price it that way. u gotta talk to customers like People not Money Giving Machines#like yeah peppino doesnt have the BEST temperment but he most people are just there for Pizza#and some of them are friendly! its tiring but he likes making food and dealing w people#he will not say it but he puts love into this business; this shop is his baby! and ph didnt really get that
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i have acquired a mystical and powerful ointment (hydrocortisone cream) from the village herbalist (rite aid) to assist with the curse set upon my bloodline from many generations ago (eczema)
#feel free to reblog#ironically this is the one thing i know the least about and it's the one i've known about for sure for the longest#never seen a doctor for it (everything online says you probably should) because my parents never took me#they told me that's what it was because that's what my dad had and it looked close enough#they also said i'd grow out of it like my dad did (just as he was growing back into it hmmmmm)#so i'm not like shocked that this is cropped up again i'm mostly like. annoyed? and sad.#i'm annoyed because like - they treated it so casually it was a non issue#get some anti-itch cream moisturize etc#and be quiet about it until it goes away#so it came back every now and then and i stopped telling them i was getting flare ups i'd just get into dad's cortizone and put some on#until it went away#there was never like a plan or a regimine in place for how to deal with it#dad's whole routine was preventative (lots and lots of baby oil) with the steroid cream you pick up at the pharmacy if there was a flare#and i didn't even know when he'd get a flare because it never got brought up - so i didn't know to look for patterns or anything#and now it's hitting me and has been for probably longer than i realized and i'm just like#*how do i take care of this???* *why is it not going away???*#and like yes i absolutely should also still see a doctor about it just to like. Fucking get shit in my records#jesus christ the realization that eczema isn't even probably in my medical records fucking hell#IT'S IMPORTANT BECAUSE IT'S AN IMMUNE RESPONSE AND DOCTORS PROBABLY NEED TO KNOW I'VE GOT A FUCKY IMMUNE SYSTEM IF THAT'S A THING#LIKE CHRIST IN HEAVEN MOM AND DAD A TRIP TO THE DOCTOR IS LIKE NORMAL FOR SMALL CHILDREN#FOR FUCKS SAKE WHY DID I NEVER SEE A DOCTOR AS A CHILD FUCKING MARY MOTHER OF GOD MA WHAT THE FUCK
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one thing i just do not fucking get is the difference between "regulating emotions" and "suppressing emotions" i cannot get my head around how those are different. like if im sad and then i go "well im not going to be sad anymore" that's "dissociating" and "suppressing healthy emotions" but if im sad and im like "well im going to cry until i actually pass out" that's "not healthy" and it's BAD to suppress emotions but it's ALSO BAD to get super upset so WHAT IS THE SECRET THIRD THING cuz i do not fucking get it. "feel your feelings But not that way that's not healthy feel your feelings but less than that" ???????
#text#IT'S DRIVING ME UP A WALL IVE BEEN TRYING TO FIGURE IT OUT FOR MOTNHS#LIKE????? is it like. like is this a me problem is this just me having feelings that are too big#like do other people just.. like for other people does 'feel your feelings' just mean like. feel sad for a while and then stop. cuz i cant#do that i dont get normal sad i get chest pain and think about killing my self for hours on end .is that the problem#like okay if i trip down the stairs and break my leg. im going to cry and go to the hospital. suppressing that would be just using my#broken leg anyway and ignoring it. would regulating it not also be Crying and going to the hospital. would regulating it be like.. putting#a bandaid on it or something is it like.. a middle ground . i do not fucking get it#like okay if i trip down the stairs and i scrape my knee and then i call an ambulance i see how thats not the right response . and i guess#regulating there would be like. calming down thinking things thru and choosing a less drastic solution like a bandaid. i get it#in that situation. but if ive ACTUALLY BROKEN MY LEG. then that would just be the first thing again essentially#but when i put that back into. real world not metaphor world. like. i dont get it again#because if theres not like. an obvious reason for however i feel how am i supposed to judge if im calling an ambulance for a scraped knee#ALSO I THOUGHT THERE 'ARENT ANY WRONG EMOTIONS' WHATEVER HAPPENED TO THAT -_-#okay no okay it's like. if i trip down the stairs and i skin my knee i dont have to call an ambulance. but if several times a day i fall d#down the stairs and skin my knee in that exact spot and now i can see bone. SHOULD I NOT CALL AN AMBULANCE?#cuz its not just one thing thats upsetting me most of the time it's a combination of a bunch of things and then like one extra upsetting#thing added on top of that. which would necessitate an ambulance. does this make sense#THIS IS GETTING ME NOWHERE IM STILL JUST AS CONFUSED AS I WAS BEFORE I STARTED TYPING. i need 2 remember 2 ask my therapist#what the fuck ''feel your feelings'' means and how it can coexist with ''regulating feelings'' or whatever cuz i feel like im missing smth#NIK OUT ! PEACE ! ✌️
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I have so many posts in drafts about Palestine and I still just don't even know what to say or where to start
#how do i talk about my extremely zionist early education#how do i talk about my birthright trip at age 13 and the impact it had on me as a jew and as a human on this planet#how do i talk about my childhood rabbi reaching out the kids i grew up with offering support for those mourning the loss of history#and also those mourning the lives of colonizers (who ultimately are jews seeking a safe space after hardship at the great expense of others#my fucking guts have been clenched for days i feel like a shell#my mom is more worried about sending my transfem sister to college on her own in the inner city now not bc she's trans but bc she's jewish.#not to mention i always say im 'raised jewish' not actually jewish bc im not! im not jewish ive bever had a conversion.#what fucking right do i have#all i know is my upbringing and my ability as an adult to unpack it.#and how many things that i was taught are WRONG#i didnt get a christian brainwashing a got a zionist brainwashing#anyways all this to say theres always a lot of regard for Palestinian suffering on here as there should be in these situations#but young jews have a fucking weight on them right now like you just would not believe#not that its equal to or greater than the trauma of being palestinian. but just that its not mentioned right now#thats all ive got to say. idk yall are welcome to ask me more about this i just had to spew some of it#might delete#cam talks#if it isnt clear im fully pro palestine and my goal isnt to be any sort of devils advocate here. im just in a very complicated sort of pain#if i posted that email from my middle school rabbi here he would be doxxed and hate crimed.#and you know. i dont like the guy. but the fact that i know thats what would happen tells you a lot.
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ok so I get the schools football team is great and you can afford to spend thousands of dollars on signs that glow when they play and shit but can you go back to not charging kids for pads. or at least stocking the dispensers that do
#rant in tags sorry lol i hate it here#anyways#I don't generally take change with me when i go to the bathroom mid class#believe it or not#and half the time the dispensers are empty or broken anyway#“but then kids will just take them all” 1) how would anybody casually walk out of the restroom with 50 tampons#2) i think youd live#use that money you're always bragging on for something thats NOT showy sports gear or a fucking ten thousand dollar chandelier#hate rich schools because they have so much money they dont even bother spend it right#dont even get me started on the band#i like band !!! band is cool !!!! however my former high school had a great band#and they didn't BEG THEIR MEMBERS to sponsor THOUSANDS OF DOLLARS EACH FOR#on top of what they already have#AND THEY HAVE A LOT.#tbh ive never met more spoiled kids than the band ones at my school in my life#“we didn't get to have 5 field trips to amusement parks this year. just four. of COURSE im upset; they dont fund band enough”#that kid got jumped on by three art kids and a teacher when that came out 😭😭😭#they just expect this shit#do they notice what its taking from everyone else#i have a teacher whos worked with this school for like 25 years. which is remarkable as this school isnt very old. or this town#compared to my other schools at least#and every day she goes on about How Much She Hates what theyre doing#but she wont leave because she likes to teach#shes watched the school slowly transfer more and more of its budget to showy extra things#and give less and less to necessities#more money does not help.#not only is there nothing more they can take from some families without driving us out‚ but they'll just keep wasting it.#theyre spoiled fucking rotten and you can't give them anything because itll never go where you want#out of tags but yeah i hate them and something needs to be done about the district#school problems
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All I'm saying is that I know no good men who have no friends. Even more so, I know no good men who have no female friends. Maybe it's not the "male loneliness epidemic" maybe it's just that you're a piece of shit and no one wants to be around you. Maybe you're an emotionally manipulative energy parasite and a bad conversationalist. Ever considered that?
#it's just a manipulation tactic to make women feel sorry for them so they stick around longer than they should#serial killers would use female empathy to lure victims#and it seems that incels do too#every person I've met who says how lonely they are does fuck all to actually change it#they never go somewhere new or join a club or try to get out of their comfort zone they just sit in their dens of filth#and gaslight and guilt trip women on the internet#txt post#txt#mine#male loneliness#feminism#“i have no one else so you'll feel bad if you leave and hopefully one day you'll date me”#my thoughts#my opinion#opinion#my post
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