anyway last time a guy put in any effort for me he basically just rejected me two weeks later so like. whatever!

hey guys so i have been writing down all the gregstophe ideas ive had over the past few months and im gonna share some here because i really want someone to write them because i am not a good enough writer to pull them off lmao

christophe and gregory hate each other and have an ongoing feud. christophes mom ends up sending christophe to a psych ward because shes tried everything but her child is still misotheistic and rabid. gregory wonders where his best enemy went. word gets out somehow and now gregory feels like a huge douche. he interrogates The Worst Mom to find out what hospital christophe is in, then goes there to visit him. cue a VERY awkward conversation. but gregory is determined to make things right so he visits weekly, which christophe acts like he hates but actually appreciates because gregory is his only visitor!

christophe has a fear of dogs. gregory forces him to come with him to their local dog park for some exposure therapy. “maybe i would feel safer if you didnt make me leave all my weapons at home!” “christophe i am not letting you bring a shiv to the dog park”

“youre 20some years old and youve never kissed anyone??” aka tophe is too busy being a badass mercenary to get laid aka “sorry i dont waste my time with romance bullshit monsieur sex master”

gregory, for some reason, takes christophe to a fancy function at a venue with a garden. gregory knows to keep an eye on christophe but still loses him pretty quickly. yknow, too busy being british and polite or w/e. goes searching and finds him in the garden crouched next to a flower bush. “what on earth are you doing?” gregory asks him. “this bush is in the wrong type of soil,” christophe replies, then proceeds to explain in depth why he knows that and what the gardener could do to improve the health of the plant. gregory just. stands there, caught off guard and very confused

gregorys parents are holding him to higher and higher expectations. he acts like he can handle it but christophe is surprisingly perceptive and can tell that its really fucking with him. he confronts gregory about this, but is so bad at comforting people that he ends up just yelling at him lmao. “you fucking idiot of course you cant live up to what your parents want! theyre elitist assholes who only care about themselves and their stupid fucking social status! youre so focused on pleasing them that you cant see how amazing you actually are! youre not a failure, youre a dumbass!!”

christophe has been in love with gregory for a long time. he finally gets fed up with keeping it a secret so he tells him, 100% expecting to be rejected. like, hes ready to get this off his chest and move on with their friendship. his feelings are more of a nuisance than anything, because he has fully accepted that gregory would never want to date someone like him. but then gregory actually reciprocates, and christophe does whatever the human equivalent of the windows blue screen is

i have plenty more but honestly im pretty sure no one wants to hear these lol. i am forcing them upon you. i am shouting into a void, hoping and pleading that at least one person finds these entertaining. ok bye love u 🤗🤗

Beauty and the Beast AU 32

orange-plane-boy — 11/02/2021 11:41 PM

Narancia rolled up his sleeves, as in the past days he tried to plant the seeds in the fruit they used to cook, to see if he would be able to grew something out of it.

it was a bit of heavy work, but he liked it, also he guessed it would help withthe muscle mass he lost in the past years

purplecraze — 11/02/2021 11:43 PM

hell yeah, time to cultivate both plants and those abs and arms~

probably helps putting your mind off of things too. though look at it from the bright side: at least he's not telling you 'okay, this has gone too far, please leave'.

orange-plane-boy — 11/02/2021 11:47 PM

Ah yes, rejection and abadoment, totally not one of his biggest fears.

But Fugo wasnt angry at him right? Discussions happend, expecially if there are only two people in the house

purplecraze — 11/02/2021 11:49 PM

honestly, it comes down to being a 'no, I love YOU more!💢' kind of spat....

He was basically saying the opposite of that fear, really?

orange-plane-boy — 11/02/2021 11:53 PM

Nara left after an hour, as the sky started to dusk, his hair a bit more messy than the usual and some dirt on his hands and arms.

He looked at the sky, going in his room  and take a bath would be the best option, but he wanted to make sure that Fugo was ok before,

purplecraze — 11/02/2021 11:54 PM

he runs into him coming down the stairs, actually. "oh--" he halted promptly, needing to be careful to not misstep.

orange-plane-boy — 11/02/2021 11:55 PM

"Oh- ehy-" he waved at him a bit awakdly

purplecraze — 11/02/2021 11:57 PM

"uh....hi." his eyes trailed off. "just.....wanted to err-.. see you.. and say goodnight, before nightfall..."

orange-plane-boy — 11/02/2021 11:57 PM

"Me too" he giggled "I was going to see if you were in your room aready"

purplecraze — 11/02/2021 11:58 PM

"hm, I was.... just got back from the dome?"

orange-plane-boy — 11/02/2021 11:58 PM

"Yep! im a bit messy as you can see, moved some plants, fied a bit around, yknow"

purplecraze — 11/03/2021 12:00 AM

he nodded. "be sure to warm up... it's cold out..."

oh good lord, he's fallen to the awkward level of using the weather as topic.

orange-plane-boy — 11/03/2021 12:01 AM

He giggled "Yeah- mh...im gonna go take a bath then..."

purplecraze — 11/03/2021 12:02 AM

"alright. good..... uhm..." still not looking at him. "...sorry from before.... I overreacted...."

orange-plane-boy — 11/03/2021 12:03 AM

"To be honest a bit, haha...But i dont blame you, its all a bit confusing right now"

purplecraze — 11/03/2021 12:04 AM

"........" he nodded again.

"....I'll explain you some other time. it's getting late.."

orange-plane-boy — 11/03/2021 12:05 AM

"Sure" he nodded "Good night Panna"

ugh awkard

purplecraze — 11/03/2021 12:07 AM

Fugo got the feeling Narancia might still be upset about it... but he simply didn't have the time. '....stupid curse... stupid me...' he thought

orange-plane-boy — 11/03/2021 12:09 AM

Narancia got back in his room, taking a bath and making sure to wash all the dirt away.

He decided to sleep for a while and maybe visit fugo if it was still dark when he woked up, after all now he could move in the house as he liked

purplecraze — 11/03/2021 12:10 AM

even on the other side of the castle, fugo sounded exceptionally restless that night.

orange-plane-boy — 11/03/2021 12:12 AM

Indeed some hours later he walked toward the big old wooded door, his nightgown and fugo's jacket on, knocking lighty.

"Ehy Panna! Its me- wanna chat a bit?"

purplecraze — 11/03/2021 12:13 AM

guess he's somehow easier to talk to like this, than when you met on the stairs, huh??

he didn't sound like he was particularly responding to your voice.

orange-plane-boy — 11/03/2021 12:15 AM

look it was awkard ok?? Monster Fugo at least dosent asks you about the weather!

"Nh...You sound upset, you angry because of today?"

purplecraze — 11/03/2021 12:18 AM

if he did, that would be a sight to see;;

it didn't sound so much as aggression. just panicked, in a craze, in pain, and a slight hint of sadness.

orange-plane-boy — 11/03/2021 12:19 AM

"Ehy, ehy- Panna im here" he sighed "Im not angry at you big boy."

purplecraze — 11/03/2021 12:27 AM

tfw boyfriend, but also some weird unruly monster pet. right now, you don't really seem to get through to him yet.

orange-plane-boy — 11/03/2021 12:30 AM

"Nh...Today was a bit messy uh? But i probabily didnt explained myself right, i dont want to leave you, thats not what i meant, its not that someday im gonna leave without telling you..."

purplecraze — 11/03/2021 12:37 AM

there's little telling if that's where the communication went wrong or not. but fugo had said there was something 'he would explain later'. so maybe there was something Nara didn't know about yet.

orange-plane-boy — 11/03/2021 12:39 AM

Even so, Nara keep chatting for a while, probabily Fugo wolunt even rememeber it tomorrow, but it felt right to talk even with this version of him.

"The sun is starting to go up..." he murmed looking at the window

"Im gonna go make some breakfast"

purplecraze — 11/03/2021 12:40 AM

the noise in the room quieted down by sunrise, even though it had gone on for the entire night

orange-plane-boy — 11/03/2021 12:42 AM

Narancia started to cook something, he kinda ran out of ideas, so he just made some toasts and tea, maybe they really needed to check tose old cook books

purplecraze — 11/03/2021 12:43 AM

the plan was to make cookies, so best to leave some space for those anyway.

orange-plane-boy — 11/03/2021 12:43 AM

He got upstair and kocked again at the boy door

"Panna i made breakfast!"

purplecraze — 11/03/2021 12:48 AM

it took some time for there to come any response from the room, buthe could hear a slight stumbling and the door opened a little after. Fugo looked pretty disheveled and his left arm looked weirdly twisted and blue in some spots.

orange-plane-boy — 11/03/2021 12:48 AM

"Oh god...tell me you can fix that with your magic"

purplecraze — 11/03/2021 12:49 AM

"Fix what?.... oh- yeah I can, with some effort. "

orange-plane-boy — 11/03/2021 12:50 AM

"Dude your arm look like a wet spaghetti"

purplecraze — 11/03/2021 12:51 AM

"It's broken. nothing new, I'll fix it after breakfast. "

orange-plane-boy — 11/03/2021 12:52 AM

"Ugh fine- Anyway i made toasts and milk tea"

he said as he started going back to the kitchen

purplecraze — 11/03/2021 12:53 AM

"alright...thanks.." he followed on some distance.

orange-plane-boy — 11/03/2021 12:54 AM

Nara sat at the table and started to eat, he eyed fugo..what the other wanted to tell him last night?

purplecraze — 11/03/2021 12:57 AM

he sat down and thanked him again before eating. he fixed his arm after, the part where he had to set it straight again looked kind of nasty.

orange-plane-boy — 11/03/2021 12:57 AM

"Does it hurt a lot?" he asked worried

purplecraze — 11/03/2021 12:59 AM

he considered the answer for a bit, before responding plainly: "yes."

orange-plane-boy — 11/03/2021 1:00 AM

"Nh...." He sighed "You sounded pretty pissed tonight, its because what i said?"

purplecraze — 11/03/2021 1:01 AM

"...? what you said?"

orange-plane-boy — 11/03/2021 1:02 AM

"No i mean, yesterday, about finding a cure"

purplecraze — 11/03/2021 1:04 AM

"....." seems he doesn't quite know what you're referring to, so he shakes his head.

orange-plane-boy — 11/03/2021 1:05 AM

"Ok..." He grabbed the now empty dishes and started to wash em

"anyway....last night you said you wanted to tell me something

purplecraze — 11/03/2021 1:07 AM

"uh...." he got a bit uptight. "I don't want to start the entire discussion again.... anyway, you didn't say or do anything to upset me, so don't worry about that..."

orange-plane-boy — 11/03/2021 1:08 AM

"Ah..Ok" Gee it was getting even more awkard...

purplecraze — 11/03/2021 1:10 AM

"bottom line is, I want to keep you with me, even if it's not good for you, and it makes me feel bad."

orange-plane-boy — 11/03/2021 1:11 AM

"Mh- You know that the whole point of fiding a cure its to spend more time together right? Its not en excuse im using to ran away"

purplecraze — 11/03/2021 1:13 AM

"I know.... I- I know that, I know you're not like that...... but I can't have that kind of faith once you've left..."

orange-plane-boy — 11/03/2021 1:15 AM

"I care about you Panna" he smiled "And its not that im gonna go away tomorrow, nor the day after! We still have to celebrate chirstmas together!"

purplecraze — 11/03/2021 1:17 AM

he nodded, studying the patterns in the wooden table. "....my parents said they'd come back for me too.. but I knew they were lying.."

orange-plane-boy — 11/03/2021 1:17 AM

"Well i'm not your idiot parents!"

purplecraze — 11/03/2021 1:18 AM

"........." he nodded again, timid.

orange-plane-boy — 11/03/2021 1:20 AM

He sighed "Look...i can handle seeing you just during the day and not touching you, its hard but we both see that we can manage that; but if the idea of me getting sick and you end up breaking bones every night, its nt really the best outcome, thats why i want to find a cure"

purplecraze — 11/03/2021 1:24 AM

"I was breaking bones long before you got here....." he leaned back. "I'll respect any decision you'll make... it's just that I'll most likely throw a large tantrum once you're gone." during the night or daytime.

orange-plane-boy — 11/03/2021 1:27 AM

"Then i will help you patch things up when i will be back" he smiled "Because, if leaving for some months but being able to be back or staying here and dying posioned i think the first option its the better for both"

purplecraze — 11/03/2021 1:28 AM

he nodded. "I know..... but doesn't make it easy.."

orange-plane-boy — 11/03/2021 1:29 AM

"Its not easy for me too Panna..."

purplecraze — 11/03/2021 1:31 AM

"....." he peeked over to him, having some trouble to put faith in those words. but he was glad to hear them.

dude im not sure you will get it after reading this either, but you Can read it now

okay so first of all do not expect me to adhere to rules of grammar or Proper capitalisation, I am writing from the heart

so it’s been said before by other people but if Quark and Odo didnt look like the aliens that they are but instead like two regular prettybois the fandom would do cartwheels over their dynamic and Not call them a crack ship. because really, their dynamic fucking SLAPS and I’m here to tell you Why.

their surface-level dynamic is “Respected and Talented Security Chief and Cunning Immoral Businessman who are in Love but pretend not to be” and that's just an off-brand version of enemies to lovers! which is excellent and for some people that’s all you really need to get invested in a ship.

but some people look at it and go “Hm, no, that’s not enough. I mean, they work as friends but it doesn’t really have to be romantic.” and to that I say you are Absolutely Valid, not everything has to be romantic.

it just so happens that these two fuckers have one of the most compelling romance stories ever, and it’d be a shame not to explore it.

so before I dive into the internalised homophobia and repression, I’d like to take a moment to talk about Quark as a character.

because if you have brainworms like me you can kind of see that its an honest to god greek tragedy.

this guy comes from a race of people where being kind, ethical and fair is considered Abnormal and Horrifying. and I’m not gonna call Quark out of all people kind, ethical or fair but,,, 

you ever notice how he’s A Much Better Person Than Pretty Much All Other Ferengi?

dont get me wrong, Quark is still a bastard, but every once in a while his True Character shines through. and I say True Character because guys,,, the way he behaves around other people is an Act. he’s pretending to be something he’s not.

he has to try so hard to be a good ferengi it’s honestly painful to watch at times. because he is a SHIT ferengi! 

he loves his friends- because that's what the ds9 crew are. they’re his friends! and it makes him miserable because that's not! normal! for a ferengi!

let’s compare Quark and Rom for a second. 

Quark reeks of self loathing because a lot of the time he just Doesn’t act like a ferengi is supposed to, and this drives a lot of conflict in the show. he knows how a ferengi should act, it’s just that he can’t!! fucking!! do it!! but he still tries and tries to fit into that mold, which straight up ruins his life on multiple occasions.

Rom is also not a Model Ferengi, but he lives without hating himself. and it’s mostly because he doesn’t care about how a ferengi Should act, he’s loved and cared for even when everybody knows that he’s a shit ferengi! because his non-ferengi-ness works to his benefit. it encourages and highlights his abilities as an engineer. the success and love he finds make it easy for him to be content with his true self. Unlike Quark, who doesn’t get unconditional love from anyone.

its so!! tragic!! because you can see what Quark is really like!! his true self!! he’s a nice guy who cares for people!

its right there all the time and it's so blatantly obvious. especially in episodes like “Body Parts”, “Bar Association”, “The Way Of The Warrior” and “Ferengi Love Songs”

his own wiki page literally calls him “a compassionate and generous man by ferengi standards” which pretty much translates to “not really a good ferengi”.

anyway so Quark is a tragic figure or whatever but we’re actually here for the REPRESSED! HOMOSEXUAL! TENDENCIES! that he and Odo both exhibit.

with characters like garak you don’t really need to have brainrot to pick up on those tendencies, because that was something andrew robinson chose to do, on purpose. 

and to be fair, Quark wasn’t intended to be Any kind of representation, not even by the actor. I’m just pointing out that he Does look and act and talk like a little gayman.

I will admit that he is Painfully Straight in the text of the show, but on a meta level he’s just. a dude who has a serious case of repressing his real personality. and taking it a step further- he also represses his feelings towards another man.

and that man is Odo.

a few things on him:

Odo is literally desperate to be a person. unlike Quark, who at least has the comfort of belonging to a society of people with a set of rules and expectations, Odo has never met anyone or anything like him in all his years of life.

like, we all know Odo basically grew up in a lab, right? 

with people who didn’t know anything about him. who he was so unalike that they literally called him “Nothing”

but he still learned to look and talk and act like them (because if he didn’t he’d feel *pain* which is very fucked up by the way?)

so we know for a fact that Odo wants to be recognised as a person- which is why he tries really hard to conform to the ideals of the society that raised him. instead of exploring his nature as a shape shifter he maintains a humanoid form, picks up a job and creates an entire personality around what he wants to be seen as. but not what he really is.

and that's the thing that causes all the conflict between Quark and Odo. the type of person odo wants to be seen as is the polar opposite of whatever the fuck quark wants to be seen as.

In the same way that Quark acts like a Normal Ferengi, Odo acts like a Normal Security Officer.  and in a cruel twist of fate, the Ferengi happens to be the antithesis of the Security Officer.

If you only look at them as the things they act like, and not the things they are, you might say they’re way too different to like each other, right? 

but,,, if you think about the fact that they’re both putting on this act,,, this performance of idealised versions of themselves,,, you can see that they are The Same. They Are Both Gay Repressed Loser Aliens Who Try To Act Like Things That They Aren’t!

Imagine you’re Odo. 

Imagine that you’re Nothing, because you’re not like anything anyone has ever seen- and because you are Nothing you don’t fall in love with anyone for years and years. since who could love something that isn’t like them at all?

But then one day this Thing shows up in your path and you just hate it. Because it’s not like anything *you* have ever seen. It’s disorderly and looks grotesque and it’s criminal to boot.

It’s all the things you learned would make a “Bad Person” It’s everything you aspire not to be, because if you were any of those things you would BE PUNISHED.

But the trouble is, eventually he’s not an “it” anymore, he’s “Quark” and you see him every day of your miserable little life because you live on the same damn station in space and it’s hard to avoid each other.

He also happens to be one of the only things in your life that are constant. He will never leave because he is stubborn and greedy and you just *hate him so much* that you’re convinced he must be doing all of it to spite you. And yet you also can’t seem to leave him alone.

So Odo Must Hate Quark. everything else is a non sequitur for him. he can’t not hate Quark.

because Quark is, and i’m sincerely sorry to apply christian fucking imagery to this, The Forbidden Fruit.

If he liked quark he’d admit some kind of moral failing. it would be the end of his act. but on the other hand...it might be a good thing, because at least he could have quark.

but Odo can never go through with biting into this apple because the consequences are horrifying to him. he could never have quark because, according to his performance, he would Never like quark to begin with.

and here’s a take for you: Odo's Brand Of Internalised Homophobia Doesn't Stem From Heteronormativity. It Stems From The Fact That He Was Kind Of Assigned Asexual At Birth.

and the show sort of alludes to this, for real! not just subtext! canon! except the writers used the wrong person. 

because instead of Odo having these Forbidden Feelings for Quark he has them for,,, Kira.

but since this is My Quodo Manifesto you’ll understand that i am 100% willing to just toss that part of canon out the airlock.

so Odo does canonically have that mindset of “no one could ever love me”  for decades he repressed any and all feelings of love to avoid getting hurt. in the show he breaks this cycle of repression when he takes a chance and enters a relationship with Kira. yay?

but we all know that aint it chief. and part of the reason why That Ship Ain’t It is the fact that Quark is Right There. and he is simply the more interesting choice for odo.

he and Odo literally share the same problem and have weird intertwined character arcs! they are both dreadfully afraid of not conforming to the ideal versions of themselves, so they reject everything that could challenge their Performance!

on some fucked up level they hate each other *and* themselves individually. and this hatred makes them reject parts of their real identities for the sake of protecting their image. which. yknow. in gay people. is internalised homophobia!

so you can see that they’re both repressing A Lot even if you view them as Friends, but the most important thing in this kind of romantic dynamic is usually,,, when the characters *stop* repressing.

and the thing is. the thing that Kills Me with these two. They Never Get That Moment. Thats Why You Need The Brainrot To See Them As Romantic.

The Ascent gives us an example of what happens when they both take their act too far. I mean, who could forget “Fascist!” and “Fraud!” That is what odo thinks of quark’s performance and vice versa, but we don’t really hear them adress the fact that they *are* playing these roles to a ridiculous extent.

We also never get an example of what would happen if they dropped their act instead of over-performing it. or rather we don’t get to see both of them drop it.

And the reason why we never get that moment is because there’s this one key difference between Quark and Odo. 

Quark knows that he’s constantly repressing his true nature and his feelings for odo. We pretty much hear him say so in the iconic root beer scene in Way Of The Warrior. he knows that he’s not a good ferengi but he keeps up his act.

So quark is aware enough to feel that sweet sweet self loathing. But Odo isnt self loathing as much as he is just self sabotaging.

and this subtle difference between them is why, at the very end of the show, we get “That man loves me, can’t you see? It was written all over his back!”

this moment is quark dropping his act and asking odo to do the same. he wants to hear a genuine Goodbye from him because they have known each other for Decades and they are Friends. but odo is so unable to express the feelings he’s been repressing all these years. that he self sabotages again and just walks away.

even though this is like. very anticlimactic. considering I just spent 2000 words talking about how Odo and Quark are Most Certainly Gay For Each Other.

The fact that their ending is so Weird is the reason why quodo is so engaging and appealing to me? especially post-canon quodo.

like, the amount of “what if’s” this ship has are Astounding.

What if either of them had dropped their act a little sooner? What if they both did, for just a moment, and it was the straw that breaks the camels back?

What if Odo comes back after a few years? What if Quark comes to get him?

What if, in that moment in the finale where Quark drops his act, Odo had returned the gesture? What if Gag-Reel Quodo Kiss.gif Real?

with the depth that I read into their relationship, those what ifs are really fun to think about.

anyway its 1 am and i’m not an english major so literary analysis is not like, my strong suit. plus most of this was written in a late night screaming session with a friend who has the exact same opinions as me. i just think aliens hot and in love. thats all.

SO i just finished wonder egg priority and i think that with confidence i can say it has been one of my favorite animes like... ever ?? and not even from hyperfixation or obsession over it just... its so fucking real yet so simple in a way that i havent rlly seen shown in any other shows you feel ??

but first i wanna talk about how sexy the art and animation is real quick... HOMIE ITS SO GOOD LIKE EVERYTHING ABOUT IT JUST... serotonin... the characters are all so unique and iconic and fun but not over the top in their designs yknow ??? they seem like regular every day girls but they stand out and theyre all sO CUTE !!!! also i love how the style is like this soft bubbly slice of life lookin stuff with bright happy colors and the most beautiful scenes you could find but they also have the SICKEST fight scenes complete with whimsical animal helpers and terrifying villains and crazy weapons unique to each character. and the animation. god DAMN shawty i am obsessed with everything in this show. i might make a post solely about the art later lol bc i wanna get into the other stuff.

so the themes in the show right ?? it starts just as this cute lil magical girl kinda deal but within the first episode we see that like.. oh damn... thats kinda heavy... tbh i was a little shocked and thought about stopping bc yknow bad mental health BUT i was so intrigued that i had to keep going and i am SO GLAD that i did. because this show just so beautifully discusses all these heavy topics in such an eloquent and artistically expressive way. and also like, , the juxtaposition of the charming childlike vibe with bright colors and 14 yr old girl protagonists against the dark themes of suicide and so much else,, i think is just perfect. bc a lot of heavy animes are more of the seinen genre and have some middle aged dude as a protag or make the entire color palette dim or offer little relief to the pain of these heavy themes right ?? but NO not wonder egg bitches B) because these problems arent just things that ppl face later in life or just problems that need to be talked about among adults or the edgy seinen watching squad,, these are REAL problems that face people of every age, gender etc and i think its awesome that wonder egg addresses that. some may cringe at the thought of their high schooler watching animes that discuss sexual harassment, suicide, abuse, self harm, eating disorders etc,, but in reality it is the most comforting thing i have ever come across and is basically jsut free anime therapy. because not only does wonder egg present these themes to the viewers as something real that happens to all kinds of people (making said people feel heard in a way that maybe they hadnt before), but it also makes sure to vanquish all of these forms of trauma. and the way the trauma is vanquished isnt always beautiful and it isnt always just magically gone with a poof. the struggles of overcoming or living with that sort of thing are shown in such a real and relatable way that addresses every hardship trauma survivors have to go through. and i just. god i cry bro. 

oh m y GOD and the lgbtq+ rep in this show ?? like shawty... as soon as i saw episode one i was picking up on some gay/lesbian themes but then again im sapphic and project that a lot so i tend to see that sort of stuff like... everywhere... but NE WAYS... episode ten made me FUKCING CRY BRO LIke i cant believe there was a whole trans character with a whole trans pride hoodie like LKGHKDGH my heart is just so.. so fucking full thinking about him. bc like yeah i know there are trans characters in anime but i feel like theyre always very ambiguous about actually being trans or not or erased or portrayed as a harmful stereotype or theyre constantly misgendered and still refered to as their assigned gender at birth and i hate it. HOWEVEr... Kaoru.. *chefs kiss* it was so amazing to see a character straight up say “yeah im trans” in such a casual yet powerful way bc i personally have never seen that before. and i love love loved how he went into his backstory and talked to momoe about gender bc i think thats what she rlly needed and that it helped her find herself and it makes me so happy oh my god,, and the way they talked about it never seemed forced or like it was the focal point of his existence yknow ?? like yeah he existed to help momoe overcome some of her trauma but he also just existed to be HIM yknow ?? also... personally, i headcanon momoe as a trans girl even though i dont remember it being explicitly stated plus the school scenes of her and stuff would seem like they suggest otherwise ??but,,, SHAWTY THE AMOUNT OF SUBTEXT and her complicated relationship w gender is... something i feel like a cis girl would not go through so harshly yknow ?? with all of the questioning and feeling detached from femininity or feeling like ppl dont see her as an actual girl and only like her as a guy or for her masculine traits,,, but dont take my word on this bc i myself am a cis girl but that was just my take on it as someone in the lgbtq+ community trying to educate myself on the transgender community :) either way,, wonder eggs portrayal of momoe and kaoru and the way that momoe becomes so passionate about expressing herself the way she wants to as a girl is just... good lord im gonna cry its so perfect,,,.so ... i just love this show way too much. i also am honestly super lost about the relationship btwn acca and ura-acca ?? bc i was gonna mention ura-acca as a canonically gay guy bc when i was watching i interpreted ep 11 as him being in love with acca and being jealous of Azusa (bc i mean,, they lived together (i swear to god there was only one bed in that apartment) and had a daughter together and def loved each other and also when Frill said they were husbands and then when ura-acca said he wasnt attracted to azusa but he was def jealous of their relationship ??) but then i saw somewhere that theyre brothers ?? which would make sense ig since they look kinda similar and accas daughter called ura-acca “uncle”.. but at the same time its ANIME SO THEY ALL LOOK SIMILAR and referring to gay couples as siblings is an EXTREMELY common euphemism soooo... IM JUST LOST HERE... but yeah i tried doing research and found different things so i cant say anything for sure >:( however,,, if they are canonically a lil fruity for each other... when frill refered to acca as ura-accas husband i imploded dude you never hear that sort of wording in anime.. but if theyre related i am so sorry. 

god this is so much longer than i planned it to be oops but i also love the theme about like.. relying on friends to help carry your weight but at the same time not becoming completely dependent on those friends and using their support to learn how to love yourself and rely on yourself yknow ?? bc that is exactly what healthy friendships look like. bc i think ai sort of had a codependency thing goin on with koito maybe ?? but now she has a whole squad of funky friends that are so so different but all struggle with different kinds of trauma and although they fight over it, they always get through it with each other together. and they push each other no matter what to be the best versions of themselves and they teach other that getting hurt is okay because theyre always gonna be there to pick up the pieces no matter what happens. they can give each other space when they need and adapt to meet each others needs but theyre always able to balance it out with their own needs and thats such a beautiful thing in friendships especially at their age like damn i wish i had that maturity when i was 14 but no all i had was depression. another thing is that through these friendships you get to see all the different sides of each girl; you get to see them being strong or a shining light to their friends when theyre hurting but you also get to see them being hurt and weak and allowing themselves to be on the receiving end of the comfort. their friendships allows them to have weaknesses but it also allows them to highlight their strengths and thrive off of each others. I LOVE FRIENDSHIP DUDE

next i wanna briefly mention some of the themes connected to suicide that ive noticed. a big one is the survivors guilt that ai feels once koito is dead. several times she screams that she wishes she couldve gone with koito and she dreams of a “perfect world” where they committed a double suicide. one of the main reasons for her troubles is that she blames herself for koitos death and feels like it should be her thats dead... but at the same time she feels like too much of a coward to do anything now that koito is gone. she just has all these complex and contradicting feelings that wear away at her in ways that ppl that havent gone through the suicide of a loved one could never imagine. a lot of the times when things like this are portrayed in media i feel like its more in a way thats meant to guilt trip those that have taken their own lives and paint suicide as this selfish sin thats unforgivable but... not only does wonder egg reject that idea and instead portray it as a heartbreaking tragedy with,,, so so many terrible reasons, but it focuses on the feelings of ai separate from koito without blaming her in any way. not once did i feel like the show antagonized koito or that ai blamed koito for doing any of this, but they simply mourned her loss and touched on ais reaction towards the event but separate from koito herself if that makes sense. and i think that discussing survivors guilt without painting koito as the bad guy is something so beautifully done in wonder egg that can really resonate with those that have lost a loved one to suicide and have struggled with these same things.

okay i think this is the last thing ill mention,,, but HOMIE THE PARALLEL UNIVERSE BIT AT THE END. I AM. OBSESSED. i am such a whore for anything about the multiverse okay n e ways...,, not only did this make a super epic trippy ending of season one and add a little bit more magical girl whimsy to the show,, but it had such a powerful message. from the perspective of og ai,, finding out that you killed yourself in another world is... i mean its definitely not a surprise but at the same time it rlly makes you think how close og ai herself couldve been to that point and what decisions led her out of that dark place in her life. if i were in her shoes i would be terrified and id cry bc the thought of going back to such a dark place and actually going through with something like that is my worst fear and probably something that ai fears too. but at the same time,,, think from the perspective of ai two !!! like yeah its true that theres this awful terrible version of ai that dies but theres also a whole version of ai that is a superhero magical girl fighting off monsters to save countless ppls lives !! and she has a badass lizard and a gang of awesome friends !!! at first i was worried that ai two would be jealous of og ai and compare herself to her and feel inferior but like.. THEYRE LITERALLY THE SAME PERSON AND CAPABLE OF THE SAME THINGS !!! and ai two realized that !! just within the span of one episode, she went from the version of ai who took her life,, to the version of ai jumping in front of a friend to take a bullet for them and save their life. and that just inspired THE SHIT OUT OF ME. i think that ai was sent another version of herself to sort of beat her own worst enemy yknow ?? those doubts and fears that shes no good or that shes that same bystander from episode one and that she hasnt changed at all. but getting to interact with her parallel self and see her grow was just what she needed to realize that while yeah sometimes the worst thing can happen and things can be terrible but on the other hand sometimes the most wonderful thing imaginable can happen because she has the power to do either. 

so im gonna go ahead and stop rambling bc i got all my thoughts out that i wanted to for this post :D but yeah lol i might make another if i feel like it sometime. long story short: this show is perfect and it is going on my favorite of all times.

One PM Pajamas

By: SassyShoulderAngel319

Fandom/Character(s): Final Fantasy XV/Prompto Argentum

Rating: PG/K+

Original Idea: Nothing. Just a cute scene in my head.

Notes: (Masterlist)(By Character)(About Me) Hopefully this reads as cute as it was when I imagined it.

^^^^^

When my doorbell rang at one in the afternoon, I really should have been prepared to answer it.

But was I?

Nope.

I was eating a Cup Noodle for lunch in my pajamas without pants on—just in my giant T-shirt and underwear. My hair had been brushed but that was it.

I crept to the door and peered through the peephole.

Confused, I opened the door just enough to peek around it, letting it get caught on the chain. “Prompto! What are you doing here?” I asked.

He beamed at me. “I need your advice,” he said.

“You sure that’s a good idea? Last time you took my advice you dislocated your shoulder.”

“I trust no one else with this question.” The seriousness behind the playful look he gave me convinced me. I shut the door, slid the chain to release it, and opened it again. I let it swing wide to let him in, pulling my shirt down to more securely cover my modesty.

“Well, if you’d called first, I could have looked like a normal person when you showed up. Let me put some pants on. Make yourself at home. Grab a snack and a drink if you want. Be right back.”

I headed down the hallway to my bedroom, still making sure my T-shirt was pulled down.

“Hey how come you’re in your jammies at one in the afternoon?” Prompto called jokingly.

“Buzz off!” I shouted, shutting my bedroom door to change. “Mimi and I stayed up till like three-AM watching makeup tutorials and trying to replicate them!” I shucked off my pajamas and pulled on a normal person outfit. Nothing fancy—it was Prompto. He’d known me since we were kids.

“Where is your roommate anyway? She gonna walk in on our secret discussion?”

“Decidedly not. She’s at work all day,” I said. “Hence why I'm eating a Cup Noodle in my pajamas at one in the afternoon.” I went back into the living room. Prompto was sprawled on the sofa, holding a bag of chips.

“What in Eos, gurl!” he teased, throwing a pillow at me. “You said you were putting on pants not a formal outfit!”

“Sweats and a T-shirt that’s actually in my size is not a formal outfit, Argentum,” I snapped, grabbing my Cup Noodle from the breakfast bar and plopping down on the sofa next to him. “Now what’s up?”

“I need your advice.”

“So you said. Carry on.”

“Okay. So. There’s this girl—”

“Ooooh! A girl! Prompto Argentum has finally succumbed to the endless stream of romcoms in his Chocoflix queue and fallen in love himself!”

“Shut up,” he muttered. His ears and cheeks were turning bright red.

I laughed and gave him a hug. “C’mon, Prom. You know I love and support you in all your endeavors. And that includes dating. I'm just surprised you’ve finally fallen for someone.” I crossed my legs and put some noodles in my mouth. “Now. What about this girl? What do you like about her? What do you want from your interactions with her? Are you going to ask her out?”

“Uh… she’s smart, funny, nice. Seems to actually care about me—which is, y’know, awesome. I don’t know. I’ve known her for a while and I just… well. I realized the other day that I was head-over-heels for her with no idea what to do about it.”

“So you came to me.”

“Well I would trust no one else with this information.” He gave me a mock-serious glance.

I laughed. “Okay. So do you want to ask her out?”

“Yeah… but I'm nervous that if I do, it’ll destroy our friendship. And I value our friendship a lot.”

I pursed my lips, jovial mood souring slightly. “That does put a damper on things. It’s a hard tightrope to walk, I’ll admit. Because feelings change things and knowing about someone’s feelings changes things. Like, if you liked her and kept it secret, you could just go on being friends and she’d never be any the wiser if you played it right. But if you told her how you really feel… well. There’s always the chance of rejection and then the awkwardness that comes after. Because you want to try to still be friends but she knows you want to be more.”

“So what do I do?”

“Honestly, Prompto, that’s up to you. I can’t make that decision for you. I feel like if you really like her and she seems favorable to the idea, you could ask her on a low-key, friendly sort of date. Which seems counterintuitive, I know. But, like, ask her if she’s seen that new movie and if she’d like to go see it with you. Or offer to grab lunch with her sometime to chat. If she agrees, you can try stepping it up. I don’t know, Prompto. I'm Miss Forever Single, remember?”

“Well… just tell me what you would want if some guy you’ve been friends with for a while suddenly asked you out.”

“Depends. Is he a creep that I’ve known for a while?”

Prompto sighed. “I hope not. Okay. Imagine it was me. You and I have been friends for… how long now? Twelve years? Since we were kids. What if I asked you out. Would you say yes?”

“Of course I’d say yes. It’s you. You’re like… the greatest, sweetest guy in all of Lucis.” I smiled and flipped some hair off my shoulder. “Any girl—actually, any person—would be lucky to snatch you up. Like, you are a catch, Prompto. And if this girl doesn’t see it… that’s her loss. Truly. You don’t have to start big, Prom. Just be casual. And be yourself. You’re awesome.”

Prompto regarded me thoughtfully, munching on some chips while I had another mouthful of noodles. “Thanks. I guess you’re right. Casual sounds really nice, actually. Like… less pressure, y’know?”

I smiled. “Oh yeah. And really, girls don’t always like fancy dates. Getting ready is a hassle and sometimes it’s awkward. I love chill dates. Like that blind date I went on a couple weeks ago. We literally went to the arcade in jeans and sneakers and stuff and played games. It was great. He smoked me at Skee-Ball but I beat him at Crossy Road. Like, that’s where the real fun and enjoyment is. To me anyway. Your crush might like being splurged on and pampered but ugh why.”

That made Prompto laugh. “No… I think she wouldn’t mind a casual date.”

“So go for it. We don’t get a lot of time on this planet. Sometimes we just have to shout YOLO while diving headfirst into the deep end.”

Prompto knew how much I hated the term YOLO for being annoying, but it got my point across and made him smile. He had such a bright smile. It always managed to make me happy just by seeing it. Which was probably why I had so many framed photos of the two of us in my room—though that was also because I got one every year on my birthday from him.

“You’re right. I think I will ask her out on a casual date.”

“Do it. And tell me how it goes!”

“Yeah. Yeah I will,” he said. He gave me a hug. “You’re the best dating coach in the world.”

“For being perpetually single?”

“Well, coaches don’t play the sport.”

I laughed. Prompto let me go and put the chips he got out of my cupboard away.

“I'm gonna call her on my walk home.”

“Tell me how it goes. Text me when you get home so I know you got home safe, ‘kay?”

“You got it, gurl!”

I ruffled his hair. He groaned and swatted at me like I was an irritating fly before heading for the door. We exchanged another hug and he left. I disposed of my Cup Noodles and went into my room so I could get some work done for Ignis before he started breathing down my neck. Mimi and I had a small study where we literally just stored books and the fancy desk my dad had given me when I moved out. I only used it when I was feeling really productive. I sat at the desk with my laptop and set to work.

I wasn’t sure how long I was typing up reports and council notes that Ignis had handwritten—thank the Six his handwriting was as neat as a computer font and perfectly legible no matter how fast he was writing—but I could feel the passage of at least a few minutes in a slight ache in my shoulder.

Out in the living room, my phone buzzed.

I sighed. “What now?” I muttered.

I got up and ran to get it.

Incoming Call: Prompto XD

“Hello?”

“Hey! Would you want to come catch a movie with me sometime? It doesn’t have to be anything formal.”

“Oh my word. Were you talking about me?!” I demanded.

All I got in response was laughter.

“Prompto Argentum! I cannot believe you asked me for advice on how to ask me out. I hate you so much that I love you right now. Of course I’ll catch a movie with you sometime. If I can get this stupid report of Ignis’ done, I’ll be free tonight.”

“That’s great! I’ll come pick you up at five-thirty?”

I laughed. “Absolutely. I’ll be ready.”

dear justin,

   i have quite a lot to say honestly. im also pretty sure you will never read this, which is fine by me. i wish i could pour out all my feelings to you like i used to, but all that is gone. I threw the relationship away, and i regret it more than anything. You truly loved me and i reciprocated those feelings back. but at some point we just, stopped talking. I was busy with graduation and you were busy with school as well. part of me was afraid to text you for some reason. i guess i thought i was annoying you somehow. It started on valentine’s day. so many useless things i remember. To be honest, i was a complete wreck over thanksgiving break. last year that was the time we really got to know each other. remembering that made me go into a complete breakdown. crying and  shaking…. yknow the usual. the weird thing is that i mourned our “loss” so late. Right after we broke up, i was lying in bed crying. Not sobbing. The next day i woke up. Then the following week, i went to school. No one knew. I acted normal as i always did. Shit, my parents didnt even know i was dating in the first place. I was busy. Graduation and finals had me by the neck. I never broke down because i literally couldnt. Too many things were at stake. I had too many responsibilities that i could not just ignore. So, i got through it. Then, during the summer, i went to dc. it was fun i must admit. It was a good distraction from what was in the back of my mind. Then they passed by, June….July…August….September. September. September 30th. Our birthday. How great, my ex has the same birthday, i couldnt forget even if i wanted to. Feelings began to bubble, only a little. But i was able to hold them down, new have interests kept me occupied. October was fine. It was a fun month and honestly i feel absolutely wonderful around my friends. We’ve really connected this year. Then, the thanksgiving break comes up. I absolutely lost it for whatever reason. I remember last year’s break very clearly. That’s probably why. I’m okay now. But of course im writing this letter for a reason. I miss you immensely. I wish we could have met at least once. I was never able to hold you in my arms or kiss you or do any of the things i was dying to do because i loved with every part of my being. I’ve had a few faint dreams of you, one of them being yesterday. I dont know if they mean anything but i love you still. We confessed to each other on christmas, i will cry this christmas night to myself, where nobody will see. i wonder if you feel the same? i presume my emotional self is the only one still sad, still upset, still broken, still wet with tears down my face. im sure you’ve moved on. You had lots of friends. You even had a girl you liked im sure. while those thoughts absolutely destroy me, i am happy for you. I am happy that you were able to do something that i will probably never be able to do. you were my first love. I know i wasnt yours, so you were able to move on easily, right? if not, the  am also glad. Im glad im not the only one. i still have your number, it has collected dust over these long months. i probably never call or text you. Fear is my greatest. You understand of course, we were like twins weren’t we. We were the same age, same birthday, we had so many things in common, we were practically the same person. Maybe that’s why it didnt work out. I guess we were like magnets. 2019 is approaching. what are your plans? i dont have any yet. You know im still on twitter? i changed my @ of course. But if your memory is good you can find me easily, im not locked. emily and i are still mutuals. I wonder if she realizes im the same person? i dont know what happened to rylee, her account is silent so im not gonna bother dming her. I thought about asking emily, but that’s probably a dead end. Plus, i dont want to bother her with my old problems. Remember how you confessed to emily and got rejected? Rylee told me. Sorry, it was supposed to be a secret but not like that applies now. plus youre not even fucking reading this. Hello to the random person reading my life story. Dont feel bad, there’s millions with the same feelings as me right now. back to justin. im shaking i type this all out. Did you know my muscles tense up and shake uncontrollably when im nervous or excited? it’s quite the feeling. i often got like this when i was talking with you. Everytime my phone would buzz i would get so excited. i also apologize for all the times i fell asleep on you. Justin, you were such a bright light in my life. Please live your life. Live healthy and happy. I hope your mom is doing well. Your dad as well. and the cats. i dont really know what else to say. I dont want this letter to end either. it’s almost like a last chance. if you’ve been contemplating contacting me, do it. Even if you just came back to spit in my face and tell me how much i hurt you, i’d be happy. If you hate me, its okay, i still love you.i still love yakuza btw. also whenever i see akagi or anything related to mahjong i think of you. the thought of you is very bittersweet. Yet i still eat it over and over again. i go by jayden now. i also think im nonbinary now. i remember when i was thinking of changing my name from “ j ” to “jaden” you were so supportive. i didnt deserve you. oh well, it all in the past. if you dont want to contact me thats fine by me. but if you want to, please go ahead. Please find me. Im desperate, i know. but i miss you. “I love you,” that was the last thing we said to each other. you remember right?

                     With love, j.                        

u know what time it is ;)

**traumadump

so this is gonna be a lot more milquetoast compared to the other one. more like teenage whiny bitching but yknow. we all deserve to have some teenage whiny bitching sometimes

my first serious relationship happened sometime near the end of highschool. i dont remember how old i was. tbh i dont even remember his actual name. now i just know him as ‘ten’ which is good enough to call him now

id only dated one other person before him. (technically there were a couple others but they were pedo online ones and idrc or remember much abt them smh). her name was fallon. she was my first girlfriend and honestly she was fine. 10/10 would try again. nothing rly bad happened there, i was just young and dumb and thought having a crush on someone else meant i was cheating on them and i felt bad LMAO i was like 13 or 14.

ten tho. ten was my first serious relationship. we had met through a mutual friend and we hit it off pretty quickly. i dont remember all that much about him if im gonna be real. we dated for almost a year but most of him is gone along w the rest of that time. i remember the “break up” quite vividly though. it wrecked me lmao

the only other thing i really remember is when i was finally able to give my dad a funeral ten years after the fact. we travelled down south. (im pretty sure arkansas. my mom told me when i moved here that my dad was buried near here. all this time i thought he was in texas and all lol). i remember staring up at the sky and watching the clouds while i sat in the passenger seat. told him i loved him like i love the clouds or smth. it was a nice moment, i was feeling nice all things considered.

the break up though. that shit Sucked. i remember, because it was one of the things that hurt the most about it, was that at some point we had had a conversation. he felt bad (? this conversation is fuzzy so some may be inaccurate or vague) about how he had broken up w an ex of his before. we ended up talking and i communicated that i would rather be broken up with directly, to just be told, i had severe abandonment issues and to just suddenly disappear would be the worst

i had actually told him that at least twice? maybe more? the way that we “broke up” is that i woke up one morning and went to message him on skype (lololol) and found he had blocked me. found he had blocked me on every platform we knew each other on. without so much as a word

our last conversation was about how much he’d been missing his dog bcos he was away visiting family for a couple months. it sucked. it felt like shit. it was my first major break up and it wasnt even a real break up lmao

he came back a few months later sometime that summer, messaging me via snapchat. i remember when i saw the message i was at work, it was like 3 am. i was sitting next to the ice machine in the back, slacking off like usual. idr exactly what he said to me but i remember first it hurt rly bad. then i got angry at him cos like lmao the audacity. he basically turned it all around and blamed me for it and dumbshit tried to make himself out to be the victim and the bigger man idk idr teenage bullshit i dont remember if i responded but i dont think i did

abandonment has been something ive had to deal with a lot. and it sucks. its made it hard to trust people, to open up. like really open up. at this point these dumb posts that i make are the only real ways i could ever get stuff like this out for anyone to see. it doesnt feel as serious. if they wanna read it they can but they can opt out whenever they want and id never ever know. theres no fear of rejection here. just apathetic observance.

idk who im writing this for. myself mostly im sure.

the longest time ive ever lived somewhere was around 7 years. in colorado. and even then we still had to move once near the end. i dont remember the ages and numbers anymore so i cant give an exact time. but that was the longest piece of stability i ever had. and i couldnt wait to get out

i think. at some point, instability becomes a comfort. when its all you know, having something there that feels permanent is terrifying. it feels like it can be taken away. when you get used to constantly living rolling with the punches, it feels dizzying to try to right yourself. to stand up straight.

when i moved into my first ever apartment that i signed a lease for, i bought a kitchen table for ten dollars from goodwill. i was able to get it home and lug it up to the second floor and into my house. i got it righted and placed where i wanted it to be and i was so proud of myself. later that night i had a breakdown over accumulating furniture.

i lived with my mom and dad. then they started fighting. i dont remember the timelines or chronological order. but i lived with my dad, then i lived at my (paternal) grandparents house. i lived with my (maternal) uncle and aunt. i lived with my (maternal) second cousin. i lived with my (paternal) aunt. i livef with my (unrelated) aunt and uncle. i lived with my mom. back with my (unrelated) aunt and uncle. back with my mom

we lived in an apartment. there was a girl i was friends with. we would go swim in the pool sometime. she lived with her dad and her skin was tan

we lived in a duplex on a culdesac. there was a girl and her brother nearby. i was best friends with them. i cant remember their names? last i heard the girls sibling is nonbinary? im not sure.

living with someone in the south. idk. it was a house. there was a girl nearby. her house had a lot of lush green. her cat? or dog? had babies. there was one they named dw for death wish because it kept trying to walk off the deck

one time my mom bought a house. there were a lot of kids i hung out with. they made it a game at one point to call each other while i was there to bad mouth me to prove that the others were awful and i shouldnt be friends with them. i shouldntve been friends with any of them tbh. i just wanted friends in general

the friends arent trauma. im just walking thru what i can remember because i. yknow. the amnesia. sometimes walking through things helps me to remember more. i mean the snotty girls definitely werent great but yknow kids are mean they say crass things. i eventually got better friends

that was the only time my mom owned a home. my sister and i were real young, still in elementary school. we were kids and had messes. my mom never taught us how to clean just told us to go do so. so she was mad that we were kids and had messes. one day she took everything i had and everything my sister had and locked it into one room and put me and my sister as well as a weeks worth of clean clothes for the each of us into the other room. she took away every comfort item we had. she changed the locks to one that needed a key. we stayed minimalist kids for a while after that.

that kickstarted a hoarding disorder that ive since gotten 10000% better about. hoarding already ran in our family and so did paranoia disorders. she did things like that regularly. she would target my stuffed animals specifically. once i remember she barged into my room with big black trashbags and took every single stuffed animal and stuffed them in. including the Special One stuffed animal. she took him right from my hands. i sobbed at her to stop and i watched as she threw them all into our garbage and wheeled it out to the street for the collector the next day. she dragged me back in by the arm and forced me back to my room to go to bed.

now that sucks huh

anyway she didnt actually throw them out. she went and got them back but that doesnt erase what happened now does it? thats why i dont like the shitty bullshit ass pranks people pull on their partners like “i pretend to cheat on my partner” or “i break up with my partner as a prank”. like lol just bcos at the end of the day the scenario was fake, it doesnt take away the fact that for however long it was kept up, you forced that person to live in a reality where it was explicitly real. she forced me to live in a reality for an entire night where she had taken the things that bring me the most comfort and safety feelings in my life, which she was well aware of which is why she targeted them so often, and destroyed them. that. broke fundamental trust in her in ways i cannot describe

when i left florida and landed in arkanas out of money my mom offered to take me back. she had been getting better. i basically cut contact with her for a while and then came back but only talked to her enough for her to just barely witness the awful things that happened in florida without her really being able to do anything at all lmao abd then i told her she needs to shape up or else im leaving altogether and that scared her enough to start becomjnt a better person for me for herself for my little sister. and shes grown a lot. when she offered for me to come back though, she demanded that i “just forgive [her] and stop being mad at [her].”

ive made it very apparent that im not angry with her and i dont hold what happened in my past against her beyond any reasonable extent and that it doesnt affect how i interact with her now, however there are many things that she did that i have to heal from and cope with. i havent told her in those words exactly but the sentiments have been repeated throughout various conversations

bearing that in mind. the demanding that i just forgive her. i become that kid again. the scared 9 year old kid whos dad died just a couple years prior whos been moved across the country countless times with countless people who inflicted varied but unique to the other trauma whos not been able to have a friend for more than a year or two at a time whos never had a stable support net whos lived in and out of poverty whos lived in and out of secure housing whos only “constants” has been his sister and his mom, one of which he fights with constantly (as siblings do constant bloodshed) and the other has not had a single healthy coping mechanism in her entire life and is slowly losing the ability to effectively sympathize with even her own children whos only real constants, real positive influences, has been tv and his stupid little plushies. the scared kid whos watching his mom take everything she knows he cares about and forces him to believe time and time again that this is really it that shes finally serious. shes scary when shes serious and she always somehow manages to be even scarier, which means shes even seriouser.

it sucks

i dont know if she did it. i dont wanna believe she did it. she says she didnt do it either. and i feel like if she knew i was questioning her it would demolish her. i dont wanna think she did it. that she pushed him.

i dont remeber who first told me that she did though. i know shes adamantly denied it to me. and i believe her. but god. sometimes i think about how violent shes been with me. what would stop her?

i dont think she pushed him. whats more likely is that they were just fighting and he tripped and went down the stairs. i dont remember it i was too young. i remember being told afterwards that while he was stuck on the stairs i went and got all my stuffed animals and surrounded him with them to make him feel better

thats what caused the dormant cancer to awaken. it was some kinda bone cancer. something about the fall and hurting his leg. i dont remember him much. it hurts to think about him. i wasnt that old when he died tho. i just know he was my best friend. he showed me more love than my mom ever has. its not her fault tho. she was raised to not even be able to effectively express happiness let alone anything beyond that. especially not love. it took her 21 years to tell me she was proud of me for something

he was my best friend though. i dont remember much about him but i feel. the warmth. the smiles. i loved him a lot. i think thats something my mom always feels bad about. inadequate. she knows she doesnt have the ability to express affection like he did. its okay though, i understand her. i get it.

my dad though. sometimes i wonder what itd be like if he were still around? idk. the Orphaned Wondering™️ lmao

logically he didnt abandon me. but he was one of the final and toughest nails in that coffin though. really the only clear memory i actually have of him though is seeing him cold and empty on the medical examination table. i was still small so my eyeballs were Level with his body. i didnt understand it. my mom accused me of using him as a crutch so much that i think it just forced my brain to Expunge as much information about him as possible just to prove her wrong bcos how can you crutch on the pain of losing someone you never even knew, right?

shes kept using that up till i was 22 or so. idr exactly when the last time she said that to me was. i think i stood up to her about it once and she stopped then. this was after she was already scared lmao i think the combination is what got her.

one of the big times i remember is when i finally came out to her as trans. she didnt like it to sum it up. she made me sit through one of her signature multi hour presentation lectures when i told her about how i was such a disappointment and a let down and blah blah blah and eventually i was sent away. the next day she sends me an email (LMAO AN EMAIL) basically telling me she doesnt support me and then goes on a long tirade about my father and using him as a crutch and how he died having two daughters and what would she say to him now because “yes 🥺 i still talk to him” and whatever.

that also started her long lines of kick out threats. after i came out to her, every two weeks to a month she would actively threaten to kick me out and give me ultimatums. leading to the Penultimate moment when i had gone down to texas with a friend to help them move for college and i went with them to a tattoo parlor so they could get a tattoo. my mom sees me at a tattoo parlor (she was On that tracking shit since well before life 360 was a thing. once she called me in the middle of class in highschool accusing me of being at the bar next door cos her shitty find my friends thing told her so and she made me facetime so she could talk to my teacher lmao) and accused me of getting a tattoo. told her i wasnt and she didnt believe me and told me i wasnt welcome back in her home and that i didnt need to bother coming to get my shit bcos its all getting bagged up and tossed out tomorrow. i was two thousand miles from home with only the clothes on my back. had a minor meltdown said fuck it and got a tattoo. then went to houston pride the next day and warped tour the day after that.

my friend i was with blamed themself and felt awful about it. i hope they didnt carry that with them for too long. it wasnt their fault. my mom was Searching for a reason other than the fact i was trans to kick me out. my friend talked to their mom and got me set up with her temporarily.

come to find out that at my bus stop back in town, my moms friend was there picking me up and taking me back to my moms house, effectively kidnapping me lmao. except i was 18 so can that rly be kidnapping? idk what the adult term is. abduction. middle of the night im escorted back into my moms house and she presents me with a contract, throughout the contents of which she addresses me as “the adult child”.

three months later i was moving from colorado to maine to live with my bow ex fiance lmao

thats enough brain shit for tonight. ive got a migraine building and ive been at this for an hour or smth

time to go smoke weed and watch the last episode of that gay pirate show lmao

archived from that secret q account.

ghosty boiyou are my world, and no matter how shitty the world gets i can't imagine one without youJuly 14, 2019 ·Comment  · Like ghosty boiyou are a part of me, and i know whatever happens, you always will beJuly 14, 2019 ·Comment  · Like ghosty boii love you, but the more we're apart and the less i see you, the more i remember all the painJuly 14, 2019 ·Comment  · Like ghosty boiwhatever you say, what your family does, it affects me, and when im with you it will always be like that. i dont know if i can cope, and im breaking inside because i love you, but i know you've hurt me so much and i dont know what to feelJuly 14, 2019 ·Comment  · Like ghosty boisome part of me wonders if its too late. you broke me. you hurt me so bad, and ive forgiven you so many times for things youve done that you dont even know you haveJuly 14, 2019 ·Comment  · Like ghosty boii cant help but feel you dont love me anymoreJuly 14, 2019 ·Comment  · Like ghosty boii cant help but feel you dont careJuly 14, 2019 ·Comment  · Like ghosty boingl it kinda hurts me that you care so much about him? i know not in a loving way, but like you caring so much about him makes me feel like you care less about me, idk maybe im just jealous and selfishJuly 14, 2019 ·Comment  · Like ghosty boii dont want to read anything on this acc bc it will just bring up old pain. nd tbh if anyone found this there would be a lot of painJune 26, 2019 ·Comment  · Like ghosty boilmao so i just found out the reason i'm suspended is bc my boyfriend ratted my mum out to his parents and my best friend ratted me out to him mum and the teachers and then my mum went ape shit and then they all pretended they didnt?May 5, 2019 ·Comment  · Like ghosty boireally fucking hurtApril 15, 2019 ·Comment  · Like ghosty boiand u have the nerve??? u cant remember me or anythin and uve been in such a bad place what since december?? thats 5 fuckin months man that ive been workin my ass off to support u nd help u get through so u dont fuckin die and this is what i get back? honestly im not mad im just really really hurtApril 15, 2019 ·Comment  · Like ghosty boiiodk now that u throwing this shit abck at me its like u blamin me? like boy u were so much worse than me already u were one of the ppl who dragged me into a darker place but i stuck w u bc i loved nd cared nd now ur saying it my fault that u cut and that ur more depressed? bitch i try fuckin hard for u man and this is what i get back? u say i dont care that u alwasy comfort me when i work my ass off to get through to u and help u, when u just then reject me anyways - and proceed to say i dont try and that you want the help?? if you want the help then fuckin accept it ive tried so hard for u man?? vbut u dont see it do uApril 15, 2019 ·Comment  · Like ghosty boiyou dont actiually want to be with me do you?March 3, 2019 ·Comment  · Like ghosty boiyou make me happy but im sad atm bc i dont wahnt you to dieeeeee nad i just want to be happy and you to be happyMarch 3, 2019 ·Comment  · Like ghosty boiyou make me so happy but i know i dont do that for you. my own insecurities mean that whenever any1 jokes abt anything i take it as real,, im insecure abt everytihng so every joke from everyone hurts me,. i care too much abt what ypu thinkMarch 3, 2019 ·Comment  · Like ghosty boii dont know do you want me??March 3, 2019 ·Comment  · Like ghosty boilitearlly no one caresFebruary 23, 2019 ·Comment  · Like ghosty boino one wants me haha!February 23, 2019 ·Comment  · Like ghosty boiha im so unwantedFebruary 23, 2019 ·Comment  · Like ghosty boiim not funn yim not smart im not useful im not talented im notmusical iumd fucjkign rpirdjbialedgesd im not a figood friend im nbot wirty i cant do anyithng im depresy wtihotutht e humoisr im eneddy im annoying i dongt get it im a fuckifng burden wso why are yioui still here whenvrber you see these things inothe rpsoelpe you hate htem gfor it wahyt fucking makles m efidferntFebruary 21, 2019 ·Comment  · Like ghosty boioyu literally dislike ebverything abtou me tyour jsut blind i dont get tiFebruary 21, 2019 ·Comment  · Like ghosty boiim evenrwyihtg you hate abtout this worldFebruary 21, 2019 ·Comment  · Like ghosty boihs ill never be fuckign fgoos enoughFebruary 21, 2019 ·Comment  · Like ghosty boiha lmao u didnt see me crying uwuFebruary 8, 2019 ·Comment  · Like ghosty boiu ran awya from meFebruary 8, 2019 ·Comment 3 · Like ghosty boihehe im terrified of losing you for a different reason now but ig it doesnt matter bc u dont wannt me anywasyuFebruary 8, 2019 ·Comment  · Like ghosty boii love you so much i just wnat to help i dont i can tlose youFebruary 2, 2019 ·Comment  · Like ghosty boihow can oyu say you dont feel and say you love me? i know you feel, you just try not toFebruary 2, 2019 ·Comment  · Like ghosty boii dont want you to hurt me but yousoFebruary 2, 2019 ·Comment 1 · Like ghosty boiyou lie to me. you dont call it lying but it isFebruary 2, 2019 ·Comment  · Like ghosty boiwonder what it's like to be okayFebruary 2, 2019 ·Comment  · Like ghosty boii can't carry this anymoreFebruary 2, 2019 ·Comment  · Like ghosty boiyin and yang, happiness always comes with sadness. if you have one you have to have the other. whats the point in feeling and living at all because even if you achieve happiness you will always have sadness. it is always htereFebruary 2, 2019 ·Comment  · Like ghosty boione day of warmth isnt worth a year of coldFebruary 2, 2019 ·Comment  · Like ghosty boihappinesss is fleetingFebruary 2, 2019 ·Comment  · Like ghosty boiwhy am i always the one who hads to repaireFebruary 1, 2019 ·Comment  · Like ghosty boii wihs oi culd he good enoguhFebruary 1, 2019 ·Comment  · Like ghosty boiic ared about you but all you do is hurt meFebruary 1, 2019 ·Comment  · Like ghosty boiyou just use me i dont understand i thought we were friendsFebruary 1, 2019 ·Comment  · Like ghosty boievent eh ppl eho care about me thinj uim worhtless, useless, dumb, stupid, weird, fucking djsfhalkdjfhreesstardsedJanuary 29, 2019 ·Comment  · Like ghosty boiwhy do you keep reminding me of my insecuriteS? i think everyone does. i shoulf tlak to you about it, but i d onnt want to make you walk on eggshelslsJanuary 29, 2019 ·Comment 1 · Like ghosty boiwer both yknow you cousdl do so m uch better htan meJanuary 29, 2019 ·Comment  · Like ghosty boii see it in your eeys, i sese the dissapointment, the 'what the fuck', youer crazy, ur weird, ur rude, ur pathetic, why can yt you be normlak, youe fake, you re not ogod enogumJanuary 29, 2019 ·Comment  · Like ghosty boiur gonna brkea up with me one dya becaues liets be real inm not oging to do it but you wilwl get sick of me you jsut put up with me atm ur blifnefd by emptions - despite that you can still see im fuvkignJanuary 29, 2019 ·Comment  · Like ghosty boiim just not finny or smart or nice or anyinthig gim jstu not good enoguh nd ikjwo i never will neJanuary 29, 2019 ·Comment  · Like ghosty boiill never be good enough icoulndt even last a dayJanuary 29, 2019 ·Comment  · Like ghosty boilmfao i m actually fucking discusintgnJanuary 29, 2019 ·Comment  · Like ghosty boii knwo im just annoying, no one realyt wants me aorundJanuary 29, 2019 ·Comment  · Like ghosty boiim getting sicjk of peoplke using meJanuary 29, 2019 ·Comment  · Like ghosty boii will never be good enough, i will never be good aerat anythingJanuary 28, 2019 ·Comment  · Like ghosty boiim fugcking sfisdudcisigng im such asuhit firend i dont know anyithng i dony care abt eanyone arenough i dont remmebe ran ythonig im never good enouhgJanuary 28, 2019 ·Comment  · Like ghosty boidespite how i present muself i dont feelsihlike a girl i jhate hit it hahtkljeshrkljsdfxklsjg bJanuary 28, 2019 ·Comment  · Like ghosty boiyou will never be able to see past being sad that im not talking, see that there may be a real reasoon, because you will be too self absorbed to even realise that im not okayJanuary 27, 2019 ·Comment  · Like ghosty boithing is though if i dont help you you you will get all sad and upset (despite ignoring me) and wont even give me the chance to give a reason why, beacuse the reason is im struggling atm as well and need support myself but youre too stubborn to get your head out of your ass and realise that i need help toJanuary 27, 2019 ·Comment  · Like ghosty boiyou always ignore me its pissing me off you just use me for when you need me and thats itJanuary 27, 2019 ·Comment  · Like ghosty boii dont think ill ever be good enoughJanuary 24, 2019 ·Comment  · Like ghosty boimonths. it took monthsJanuary 24, 2019 ·Comment  · Like ghosty boior is that just an excuse?January 24, 2019 ·Comment  · Like ghosty boiits so goddamn sad how you always pull away, but now isnt the time to mention itJanuary 24, 2019 ·Comment  · Like ghosty boii feel like you dont actally want me around idk it just hruts when you distance urself rom meJanuary 24, 2019 ·Comment  · Like ghosty boino one really truyts meJanuary 24, 2019 ·Comment  · Like ghosty boino one caresJanuary 24, 2019 ·Comment  · Like ghosty boisighsJanuary 24, 2019 ·Comment  · Like ghosty boiyou try and hel[p fuckignf ocus on yourself i want you to live ghoddamnihntJanuary 21, 2019 ·Comment  · Like ghosty boiwhats tyhe point in all this imf im judt going to lose you anyayJanuary 21, 2019 ·Comment  · Like ghosty boii want to be better, and seperately i just want them to be happy nd idc howJanuary 16, 2019 ·Comment  · Like ghosty boii never actually help lmao they were there for me yesterday when i was falling appart but i cant even help when they are sad or downJanuary 16, 2019 ·Comment  · Like ghosty boisighs now im wondering if im not good enoughJanuary 16, 2019 ·Comment  · Like ghosty boii wish i could be enough, but i know i never will be. i know its not personal and i am not upset as such by it, i can accept it. i just am upset for them because i want to someone, something to be enoughJanuary 16, 2019 ·Comment  · Like ghosty boii dont even know whats real anymore i cant tell what happened, what i thought happened, what was a dream, what i was hallucinating, what was flashbacks, what i wish had happened i cant even trust myself so how can i trust anyone elseJanuary 16, 2019 ·Comment  · Like ghosty boiim so done. im so tired with trying im so tired with everythingJanuary 16, 2019 ·Comment  · Like ghosty boiim so sadJanuary 16, 2019 ·Comment  · Like ghosty boii got down bc of ehta they did but that didnt change anythgin they got fuvkin down otooJanuary 3, 2019 ·Comment  · Like ghosty boii never helpJanuary 3, 2019 ·Comment  · Like ghosty boiim nfuckin uselessJanuary 3, 2019 ·Comment  · Like

1, 4, 5, 14, 24, 29, 30, 37, 46, 47 (lesbian asks)

1 - femme or butchUhhhh personally I'd say I'm more butch?4 - describe your styleI dont?? Really know?? I'm incapable of answering icnfnf5 - describe your aestheticGrungy? Gay? Tired and not caring anymore?14 - if single, what are you looking for in a potential girlfriend/wifeSomeone who gives a shit, someone i can talk to about anything and not feel judged, someone who I look forward to talking to, whether in person or over text. Someone i dont feel self conscious around. Someone I find so breath takingly incredible that I feel like crying. Basically someone i can love and they can love me for me, with weird quirks and interests and all.24 - if a woman wanted to woo you, whats a surefire way to accomplish thatHmmmmmmmmmm probably just let me be my true actual self and joke around with me and let me gush about the things i care about. Just,,, i dont know. 29 - do you usually ask other women out or do you wait for them to ask you out?Depending on who it is, I normally wait. Saves me from the rejection yknow?30 - what is your dream careerActor on a stage, maybe Broadway? 37 - favourite comfort foodPretzel sticksssss46 - at what age did you come outWhen I was 14? I think? Yeah. To my parents, at least. Younger to my friends.47 - are you crushing on anyone at the moment (celebrity or otherwise) Honestly I have no damn clue, I'm still trying to sort myself out. I think I am?

what i would say:

honestly, i didnt see myself writing this tonight. i didnt see the point, plus its getting late (2AM). i was ready to sleep right after the mask, but somehow this idea wouldnt leave my head. i didnt want to write this out as well because i feel extremely level-headed tonight, and i didnt want to ruin that. but then again, maybe it is good that i am writing this out when i am level-headed.  perhaps the reason why i cant stop replaying the past few days in my head is because i have yet to write down what i want to say. perhaps writing it all out helps me to vomit whats on my mind, so that i can make space for more better things (like jesus and school LOLOL).  now ideally, this would have been said at some place quiet. some place where it’d just be us. it’d be after a meal that he has asked me out for - intentionally. the purpose of the meal? i am not sure. but i’d like to think it’d be for a date, or just him being his usual self - intentional. in my head, im picturing the steps at MBS. not the usual lying benches, bc it would have been uncomfortable. but the steps are close enough to feel intimate, but far enough to not make eye contact and stare at something foreign/familiar, you choose.  i wanted to say should the opportunity ever come up, but man if he never asks, then i might just do it to get it off my chest haha.  so here goes the things i would say:  actually i just wanted to let you know that for the past few months - i actually liked you. hahaha i know this is going to feel awkward, no this is never my intention. i just wanted to tell you that i liked you, and i have no expectation on where this should go. i know that you are going to say, ‘thank you for the courage, thank you for sharing with me’ - bc i think i know you. (so much pride in this sentence!!!!)  but i wanted to tell you because actually, i just wanted to get it off my chest. honestly, and genuinely, i have no expectations on you on how this should go. i dont expect you to tell me nice things, to say that you feel the same way. i dont expect you to bear the responsibility of what i just said. i dont think it’s fair for you to feel all that, which is also why i didnt want to share this with you.  i didnt want to share what i feel because i didnt want to become your statistic. that statistic. but i thought to myself, if i were to ever become that statistic, i would damn well be the most special one. you see, i liked you not because you were cute. ok i guess partly, but i realised i started to like you only when i started to get to know you. i liked you because you have been vulnerable. because you were honest, because you were real with me. and in that, i got to experience the realness of your love. 

another reason why i didnt want to tell you was because i wanted to prove that what your friend said could be true. that two people, different genders, can be capable of forming a platonic relationship. now, was it because we crossed certain boundaries, that made me like you? perhaps. but then again, i dont blame us, or myself even because i dont think we were even aware of the boundaries until we crossed it. is that to say that we shouldnt be careful? of course not. i think even more so after i acknowledge my feelings, i felt way more careful than i could ever be. i think twice about what i want to say, whether nicknames are appropriate, or simply even the stickers i want to send to you. in everything that i do, i honestly tried to keep as platonic as i can.  of course, that also goes to show that maintaining a platonic relationship is hard. i think one thing that works with darren and i was that we were VERY explicit in our mutual interest with each other. i also think it came with the context of the relationship that darren and i had - we were young, (19?) we were figuring things out, and figuring out what we liked. was it a bit too early to make a conclusion? perhaps. but do we have a good relationship now? heck yes.  i think what makes our relationship special is that we are able to love freely (hahaha ok to a certain extent), lovely clearly, and communicate well with each other in the process. i think we are good at that, with each other. maybe its a two thing.  that was what made loving you feel so free, but trapped at the same time. that when emotions were in play, it was difficult to distinct my intentions.  now here’s the thing - like i said above, i have no expectations on where this is going. honestly. if we were to pick things up and choose to pursue this, then okay. if we are clear to say that this wont go anywhere, then okay!  i wanted to tell you because i realised if there was anything to take away from this friendship that we had, is that i found myself learning how to love, but also learning how to be loved. and i thank God for that.  i thank God that you are in my life. i thank God that i got to know you. like know you. not the Jerome that plays sports really well, not the worship leader Jerome, but the Jerome that makes mistakes, i got to know you for you. that is why i liked you.  i thank God that He showed me that i am not just capable of loving someone to this extent, but i am capable of being loved to this extent.  because of someone like you, i can love and be loved in so many different forms.  i think that was why i wanted to tell you. not to place unnecessary burdens, that is never my intention. but to acknowledge the goodness of God in my life, and in ours. to also simply acknowledge my feelings, and to be honest with you and myself about it.  things i’d imagine him asking:  “so how long have you known?”  this is a hard one. honestly, i only acknowledge this recently. but the idea of potentials came up in your 21st birthday. i know its a long time, and i think i seem like a creep ahahaha but i think it took me that long of a time to really discern and dissect what i truly feel. “who else knows about this?”  not many people. probably like 3, and none of them are your friends. our friends. just my uni friend, and tiff. the people that i shared with, have no idea who you are, or have no remote relationship with you. i wanted to protect you, maybe more so me in the process too, bc people know me and you, and i wanted to protect myself from all that. actl half the time they only know that you were the guy that is ‘not bad’ but not like actually liking you.  *ok lets take a pause here* here’s the thing, i dont know if things are going back to normal after i share this. it might, only if he rejects me. perhaps we would have less frequency. that is what is stopping me from wanting to say all these things. the idea of having less frequency would be inevitable. i am not going to deny that. in the name of boundaries, right?  plus our intertwined relationships - how is that going to be impacted? these are things that i feel like i have to risk, but i am also not ready to yet. which is why i am not ready to share. i honestly, havent thought about this.  hahaha yknow now that i have typed all this out, i have no idea how this conversation will end. i have no idea what he will say, how we would go home after this. i would imagine we’d probably head out with him driving us home, so that means he has to drive me home, and the ride could probably feel very awkward hahahahha.  ok the thing i know from all this is that - as of sept 2020 i am not ready to share anything. i also think he is not at an emotional capacity to hear these things. perhaps i am waiting for his covenant to end to feel that i can share this safely with the certainty of being able to date. maybe just a bit. but emotionally, i dont think i want to have this conversation just yet. 

so uh

there’s this dude that i’ve been talking to for a bit and he was a nice guy and all but he keeps being whiny on deviantart about getting rejected by girls and he calls girls “females” and I honestly feel uncomfortable about him?? he made a journal abt how he’s been miserable and nobody likes him and the girl he liked rejected him. deadass this was the second time he asked this same girl and she rejected him again like dude can’t you take a hint?? This dude asked a girl out, she rejected him, he made a journal about “hmm maybe I should take a break” the writes another journal about how miserableh e is because he asked the same girl out and gets rejected. Honestly what the fuck man, you expect me to feel sorry for you?? then he writes a journal about how he got a girlfriend after he talked about “getting one” like he told me he was just in a rush to have a girlfriend and that honestly bothers me bc he actually confessed to me once about liking me. It was flattering, yes, but it felt so unreal and made up. He just. acts so desperate and yknow I was skeptical about him getting a girlfriend and he told me yesterday “yeah I just want one in the future” like man I get it but that’s all it seems like you’re focused on. dude, like let love come to you don’t go asking for it. 

deadass he mentions everyone in the discord group “hey im single now” and it’s like bitch????/ it hasnt even been a week and he’s just BEGGING for attention.... and I told him “buddy why am I not surprised” like judging by the was he acts in his journals and when he talks to me, he just wants a girlfriend for the sake of having one

he just makes me uncomfortable in general because every time I get onto discord he messages me like “hewwo” or smthn and sometimes I just don’t feel like talking to him but it’s like he messages me the moment he knows I’m online...

I don’t feel sorry for him one bit. First of all, he’s got to get over rejection and not be whiny about it. He’s got to learn when to just stop. I’ll say that he’s admitted to his mistakes before about rejection but the moment he said that he had a girlfriend I just kinda was disappointed. 

deadass his deviantart page says single:looking  like buddy. come ON did you not learn anything at all??

More gripes down below, I just really wanna say everything

See the first time I ever talked to him was him asking for an art trade. He wanted an anthro milotic(which I said in my commission page that I did not do) and he asked if I did fetish art.  I don’t know why I took it in, I just felt kind of uncomfortable about it. I asked him for a mlm scrafty and eelektross couple and he OK but in the description he said male scrafty and ambiguously gendered eelektross. Now, it wasn’t much of a problem but still. I had learned later from him that he doesn’t care for mlm porn, even though he was fine with gay. Here’s the thing, I wasn’t asking for porn, and if he was ok with gay ships, then he should have been fine putting “hey look here’s some gay pokemon” in the description.

He’s also said to me multiple times about how hot lesbian porn is and I’m like “OK” but it’s so clear that he’s fetishizing them. He’s got mostly female pokemon anthro ocs in skimpy outfits and to me, that’s a red signal right there. it literally says in his deviantart “i  like to slap tits on pokemon” and I’m like, OOF....

it’s just so obvious that he fetishizes women., it’s gross.

he’s also got a foot fetish and yknow at the beginning of our conversation I was like well ok, and we both shared what turned us on and there was that mutual trust but one day he asked me to share photos of my feet and just the thought of him jacking off to my feet made me really uncomfortable. Every time I draw his characters he asks if I can show their feet. he’s also asked me to draw nsfw of his characters multiple times, Although I admit I never explicitly said “no” I always said that I was busy or whatever. I was never really against it but he’d always say u don’t have to if u don’t want to” and I’d say “yeah no i dont want to” but he’d ask again at some point like bro dont’ you know how to take a hint

there was always this uncomfortable tension in the conversation, it was always something along the lines of “hey (insert sexual thing here), and then Id be like “nah man im not up to it” and then hed be like oof ok sorry if u don’t wanna do it then u don’t have to but i’d love if you did” and it always felt like guit tripping of some sort. I don’t feel comfortable talking to him and I’d never know how to directly tell him “look I don’t wanna talk to you right now” and I didn’t want to make him feel like I hated him or didn’t care about him. but the more I interacted with him the more I began to feel skeptical of his character despite the many journals about how thankful he is about the people in his life and the apologies

idk if those apologies are good intentioned or just a tactic to guilt other people into feeling sorry for him or whatever. 

So, jump to yesterday where he announces that he was single. all trust in him and his relationship just. dropped. He DID say that the girl just wan’t ready to have a relationship so based on what he told me it’s not really his fault, but just based on the way he acted he acted more liek “hhhhhH she dumped me lemme make everyone feel bad for me Hey guys i don’t wanna talk rn but i feel horrible and  lemme just disappear” instead of “well she just wasnt ready and I understood that so we broke up” 

Buddy if you were really sad and you really loved her you wouldn’t put “single and looking” on your fucking deviantart page. That’s honestly the last straw and I’ve given up on trying to deal with him. I told him straightforward “hey buddy you need to take a break” and he said something like “now’s not the time to tell me this u made me feel worse now” tell me that’s not guilt tripping. THis event is what made me tell you this, I felt the need to address this to you, listen here buddy you need to take a break. That is the point I was trying to get to him. I told him he comes of as desperate, straight and to the point. He told me that other people have told him that too. Buddy can’t you take a hint, like, at all?? 

To be fair, he does make journals saying “oh im sorry about the way I acted and I need yalls help for recovery” and my only thought is “hey maybe if you changed the way you act then maybe this wouldn’t happen again, hence me getting pissed at his “single and looking” status.

also, he kinda just turned 18 so he’s pretty much an adult. I just feel like he shouldn’t feel inclined to have a girlfriend, and the fact that we talked about nsfw stuff at all makes me feel uncomfortable.

the time when we talked were nice, but I just don’t want to talk to him or deal with him, but I also don’t want to regret it.

If anyone wants to see him journals or our conversations, PM me because I honestly don’t know what to do rn and yknow he seems to be completely over it now

the least I can do is protect his name

1 - 40

jesus buddy, if you wanted to know more about me just friend me somewhere and talk to me facebook,discord,overwatch,psn, snapchat w.e! haha i dont bite!

also this is gonna be really feckin long

1: Talk about the first time you watched your favorite movie.

How to train your dragon (1 and 2 i can’t decide) I fucking LOVE dragons. the idea to fucking ride one in the sky?!?! fucking DOPE. the idea that theyre also SCALY DOGS?!?!? MOTHER.FUCKING.DOPE. i just associate the idea of freedom with flying through the sky and that feeling was conveyed really well in that movie so i really loved it!

2: Talk about your first kiss.

honestly? kinda dumb now that i look back on it. it was a peck, i wasn’t even like mentally prepared and it happened way faster than i thought. If i knew it was going to happen i would have really like milked that fucker. i woulda went romance movie on that shit with all the extra shit like groping and weird inhaling noises and kissing so hard your teeth almost clink together. but yknow coulda woulda shoulda

3: Talk about the person you’ve had the most intense romantic feelings for.

theyre not a part of my life anymore which admittedly fucking sucks but i think its for the better at least for them. do i wish it worked out and we were together? i mean yeah duh, the reasons i fell for them don’t fucking disintegrate/ i just have more information than i had when i first met that person. will i actually actively pursuit them in the chance to be with them again? hell no. i’m tired. and i’ve seen enough “ self confidence” posts on here to think “ hey if someone really wanted me in their life they would go out of their way to do so and seeing as they haven’t even messaged me in god knows how long then its safe to say theyre off being happy

4: Talk about the thing you regret most so far.

man i haven’t seen this person is literally almost 20 years. I need to apologize. or at the very fucking least, see how theyre been doing. its driving me mad just trying to picture how theyre living and just coming up with a giant question mark.

5: Talk about the best birthday you’ve had.

lets be real bro most of my birthdays have been shit so i gave up on tryna make them memorable or fun, ‘s just another day to me. i mean the best one would have to be this one time i got a gameboy advance but thats pretty much it

6: Talk about the worst birthday you’ve had.

yknow how everyone says “ OH MY GOD WE SHOULD KEEP IN TOUCH” once you move? yeah thats bullshit. honest to god bullshit. i kept tabs on everyone when i moved to a different city and when i came down to visit for my birthday inviting all those people who supposed “wanted to keep in touch with me” literally 1 person showed up. and i think they only showed up because our parents were friends too. so yeah. fuck people sometimes.

7: Talk about your biggest insecurity.

hygiene. breath, hair, clothes, eating habits, manners, anything that might make me come off as unclean to people im trying to impress drives me off the fucking wall. specially at formal events. if im wearing snazzy clothing at like a suite 16 or a debut or a wedding bet you $100 that im adjusting little aspects of my appearance every like 15 seconds. eating mints the second one is finished, trying not to be too close to someones face when talking, even when i fucking fart i always take note of which way the wind is blowing, or im sitting down on something that can absorb the stench, how much pressure is in my gut and how much of it can i let out in small bursts to avoid sound. that or asian dick syndrome. yknow. haha asians got a small dick? that kinda shit bugs me a bit. not a ton but more than i thought it would

8: Talk about the thing you are most proud of.(i am literally only 8 questions in and my fingers are a little sore from typing)

my singing and impressions? i once scared some friends when i imitated a party blower kazoo thingy since the ones they bought from the dollarstore didnt make any sound. same as my singing, i tend to get high scores and i impressed my cousins once with a perfect score on a backstreet boys song HEH

9: Talk about little things on your body that you like the most.

my biceps? theyre not like chris hemsworth level of meaty but like when i worked at this physically demanding job my coworkers are like “ woah dude ur arms are different from mine, if you worked out theyd look so ripped” that kinda stuck with me for a while specially knowing they were a football jock and they had their own special diet and fitness instructor or something. i also like my smile/ jaw shape? my hair can look pretty good too sometimes

10: Talk about the biggest fight you’ve ever had.

my family is very passive aggressive oh and racist

11: Talk about the best dream you’ve ever had.

i once had this dream where i had reallllly passionate sex and it felt real and i could feel like every little detail down to like hairs brushing my skin on my arms and shit. i swear to this day it was a modern day succubus or something

12: Talk about the worst dream you’ve ever had.

that dream where i was a bird and flying away from”something” just all my instincts telling me to RUN. or that dream where i got shot in the hand, chest then the head and before i blacked out i said “Ch*****” who incidentally i was going to see later that day which made things very awkward at least for me

13: Talk about the first time you had sex/how you imagine your first time.

it was pretty good. looking back i was probably shit in bed hahaha first time so of course theres shit to work out. 

14: Talk about a vacation.

hit on by a cousin AND their gay friend. to which the cousin threatened me with self harm but the gay friend took the rejection very easily it was almost baffling in comparison (although the second the settled down they started to bash on me for rejecting their friend) also ate some REALLLLLY garlic covered crab the smell took 5 washes to get out… also got to ride in the back of a truck as its driving at like 120 mph and flying off all these little hills and tracking mud everywhere it was great

15: Talk about the time you were most content in life.

she was in my arms fast asleep and i took a photo. she didnt like that but let me keep the pic so that was nice.

16: Talk about the best party you’ve ever been to.

i can’t really remember any that stand out they were all equally fun. dont get me wrong some were super fun its just that it was also followed by a lot of bad choices that kinda take it down a notch. i will say this one party a friend hosted where i got to meet a BUNCH of new people. i also snorted some fundip powder as a dare. they refuse to let it go so i figure might as well own it. i also landed some sweet shots in beerpong

17: Talk about someone you want to be friends with.

ellen paige would be dope to be friends with. same with zendaya. and gal gadot just so i can like sit in her presence and be in awe for extended periods of time

18: Talk about something that happened in elementary school.

i was cheating on a test and my so called friend ratted me out never talked to him again that white privilege lookin hoe

19: Talk about something that happened in middle school.

i stopped talking to a friend that id thought i would be friends with for my whole life. i also became friends with my current best friend

20: Talk about something that happened in high school.

people are dumb. drama is dumb. people who seek out this kinda shit needa leave me the hell alone. and if youre going to challenge me to a fight, tell me about said fight so i can show up. dont march around telling people ur gonna fight me and not tell me so i dont show up and make it look like i pussied out. like for real?

21: Talk about a time you had to turn someone down.

oh yeah like the vacation one said : shit got really weird. and to have that sorta conversation on spotty wifi in an airport in south korea meaning jet lag is also disorienting af

22: Talk about your worst fear.

death. nuff said

23: Talk about a time someone turned you down.

it sucked but it happens so like.? lmao i dont really know waht to say but it sucked

24: Talk about something someone told you that meant a lot.

i have a horrible memory and on top of that my mind moves at like 32754895274 miles a second so i dont keep stuff in mind a lot in the first place. i can’t really think of anything that had so much impact that i’ve remembered it. well i mean there was this one song a friend told me about in a letter and to this day i’ve kept remembering the same verse “ maybe if we met each other under a different sky maybe things would be much better between you and i”

25: Talk about an ex-best friend.

we just….grew apart. and if we tried to be friends now im sure there would be tension and unease. hes just in a different friend circle. i dont hate him for it i just feel like hes living in a world of white and im living in a world of black like its just plain and simple

26: Talk about things you do when you’re sick.

on the computer. i can’t rest when im sick. i just keep trudging along. school, work, hangouts, i still go. i just take precautions to not spread it

27: Talk about your favorite part of someone else’s body.

neck? shoulder? hands? face? hair? idk dood i don’t really like specific places more of how WELL those parts can mesh together to make this beautiful being.

28: Talk about your fetishes.

y’all about to learn some shit because im gonna teach you a thing about me. pov’s, deepthroat/gagging, emo/goth, anal, massage, ropes and power trips, asians, tentacles if im feeling kinky, hentai /cartoon shit, glory holes, dirty talk and asmr (who woulda thought theres porn for that huh?), ahegao(being fucked silly or till your mind breaks into being nothing but a cumdump), swallowing, threesomes, double penetration, latex is pretty cool too, cosplays are nice if the characters are ones i recognize, tittyfucks, source film maker porn of like video game characters are getting pretty professional nowadays, lesbian, orgys, teenage girls and old ass guys, horse dicks and girls who try to take em, i got turned on by a girl fucking a dog once so i guess bestiality is a thing, oh i saw this scene in a movie im not sure if it was real it seems kinda hazy but it involved necrophilia but im not sure if it turned me on or it was so weird i’ve memorized it because of how weird it was. chicks with dicks fucking other chicks. and a plethora of other weird shit. i dont know what fetishes count and what doesn’t so i just listed whatever came to mind as i wrote have fun with that shit

29: Talk about what turns you on. 

short hair, asian heritage, playful and lighthearted but can be lustful as all hell, shorter than me, big boobs is a plus, mid driffs, underboob, small frame or face, scent( god if you smell good thats instant brownie points with me), likes anime, high pitch voices are cute as hell, very physically intimate, loves PDA’s, yeah i can’t really think of much

30: Talk about what turns you off.

uhh smells bad?, when their personality is bland/boring, or just shit. over timidness i get being shy but like if you can’t trust that the person youre interested in then like what am i supposed to do. i literally dated a girl who was so sheepish all i could do was ask her yes or no questions. and honestly that got old really fucking fast. i get she was trying but like i can only finesse so much of a relationship man. bad hygiene holy fuck. if you got like ear wax showin our ur ears, or like a bleeding pimple in plain view and refuse to at least dab it with a wet cloth or tissue then pls its not gonna work out. dandruff oh my gOD. dandruff would drive me nuts. like if i get close enough to see individual fucking flakes im gonna tear my whole scalp off

31: Talk about what you think death is like.

i feel like our bodies stop responding but our “souls” are still present there trapped screaming and trying to move our body but can’t. and thats why burials and shit sound so terrifying

32: Talk about a place you remember from your childhood.

dont need to. im a couple blocks away i can visit it any time. (my elementary and middle school the neighbourhood surrounding it was also where i used to live so that was dope)

33: Talk about what you do when you are sad.

i force myself to get MORE sad so i can get it all out in one go and much faster. like how the human mind can only get so angry that the brain gives up and just tries to find another way to spend its time. 

34: Talk about the worst physical pain you’ve endured.

when i was a kid me and bunch of other kids decided to clog a slide with just a shit ton of people and one of my friends who came after me kept pushing me to the point i was hanging on for dear life using only my knee down that was wedged between a fat kid and my friend who went after me. i fell off eventually knocking skulls with another kid near the end of the slide(this slide was shaped like a spring so that explains why there were kids under me) my arm bend backwards for a sec after hitting another kid’s legs, and then i fell chest and fast first on the asphalt winding myself. kids are rugged as all hell man they can really take a hit. i walked it off but god damn if i didnt get bruises and shit afterwards. or that time i got beaten so bad by father dearest because work was stressful and i ended up blacking out. wasn’t even allowed to go to the hospital. just kinda laid down in my room with bruises all over.

35: Talk about things you wish you could stop doing.

relying on people for happiness. distracting myself from sadness and responsibilities. procrastinating in general

36: Talk about your guilty pleasures.

i dont really feel guilt save for some specific circumstances. ask any of my friends. does that mean im a sociopath or whatever? 

37: Talk about someone you thought you were in love with.

they just got out of a relationship with someone and was avoiding them profusely and i just started to get to know them. we got to the point that when she was ready we could date. little did i know that later, she would end up dating a friend of mine. to which i promptly had the appropriate reaction of crying myself to sleep, sending that friend a text message with all the things he should know to keep that girl happy and ultimately smashing a lot of things (some bottles actually because we were gonna build a sculpture or something together with em. man middle school was a fucking RIDE)

38: Talk about songs that remind you of certain people.

mmmmmm i would prefer to keep those underwraps.

39: Talk about things you wish you’d known earlier.

family will be there for you in the end. (not because they want to but because the world teaches them that they have to meaning they will help just in their own way and to their own ends.) friends come and go. they always have always will. anyone who says forever is a fuckin idiot. lovers come and go thats just a natural part of growing up. and lets be real all the people that said they would self harm ultimately never did so dont stress it so much god damn(but dont let it slide either)

40: Talk about the end of something in your life.

how about the end of my interest in anime and video games. nothing seems to really interest me anymore. everything is just kinda “meh”

time

to

finish

s3

im not prepared

(apologies to mobile users for the long post)

episode 5:

intro is a pink screen. it’s established pink is a mourning colour. hrmmm.

oh its an eyeball SHIRO

that’s not a good looking room to be in

that HAIR

hallucinating already, this is Not Good.

so he’s like totally alone in that room that is just bad practice right there. supervisor’s gonna get fucked if they get caught.

and. another shiro. one who’s kept clean-shaven. oh ok i know where this is going i think.

operation kuron is so unsubtle that i think we’re in for several layers of bait-n-switch until it turns out shiro never actually existed. schrodinger’s Shiro. shirodinger. 

he escaped waaaaaay too easily - yeah. called it.

‘stage 3′ so stage one is ??? and stage two is this guy.

ok so shiro obvs remembers some things but i find it interesting that we’ve had no internal thoughts beyond memories of the tube/surgery. like he’s not thought about voltron or the paladins or allura and coran like he has no idea if they survived or not. nothing at all by the five minute mark.

HAGGAR FINALLY I’VE MISSED YOU SO

yeah you keep an eye on that boy. im sure absolutely nothing will happen to this guy.

self-cauterization holy shit.

“what killed you?” is the first spoken line of dialogue from shiro i think. everything else is just vague confusion noises and/or battle grunts iirc. we haven’t even had an internal line of thought yet (which i know don’t rly happen in this series like everyone tends to speak aloud but still he’s ALL alone). i think that’s significant, somehow.

how the fuck has he not frozen to death in that skinny suit.

SHIRO NO THAT COULD BE AN ACID LAKE

“subject Y0XT39″ i will eat a raw garlic clove if this turns out to be the real shiro.

wow that’s rly bad for blood circulation like way to make him lose his hands jackasses.

so these two are space cannibals. neat.

if you’re trying to convince people of who you are why would you just say your first name? he WANTS these guys to know who he is, there’s no point being cagey. say your surname shiro go ahead.

knowledge of who the paladins are rly is being kept tight under wraps. so long as nobody ever thinks to check out any planet where galra were known to have integrated into local alien communities to the point of children.

i :) wonder :) who :) might :) do :) that :)

(i wonder how earth’s doing. everyone has family down there who misses them (besides keith since he’s living in a shack in the desert and nobody from the MILITARY-ish training academy told his dad to come pick him up apparently))

lotor i swear to fuck don’t you dare pull a dreamworks smirk DONT DO YOU DARE

so galra channels are hackable

that big guy’s totally having a SUPPRESSING FIIIIIRE moment

i rly like this winter backdrop i love being able to see the brushstrokes on the snow (like digital ones but they count).

he’s starving but he doesn’t take a single bite of the food onscreen can’t tell if suspicious or #mood bc i don’t like people watching me eat either lol

so operation kuron isn’t something widely known then or Hold up those robo-soldiers have no reaction whatsoever to a unit falling down until the hangar doors close.

ok those two guys in the cave HAVE to be in on it or shiro would’ve died on that planet. why keep the ship above a Death Planet for him to be permitted to escape to unless they had someone down on the Death Planet who could send him back to the right ship to deliver to voltron without him knowing he was being played?

like this is ALL phase 3.

‘stop spying on me’

‘do your fucking job’

HA. IDEAS. IN ZARKON’S HEAD. AHHAHAA

i think this is the first time i’ve seen lotor angry like haggar gets under his skin so easily i hope they talk again soon. ‘I AM THE LEADER’ his VOICE damn.

ok so like i already know lotor is half-galran and he’s probably half-altean too like in the original series with the hair and all. but i don’t think haggar is his mother even though she’s also altean. he’s hyper-focused on not being like his father in that scene but he also seems the type that he’d leave a snarky comment about his mother too if she were. and she doesn’t ever refer to him as her son, only zarkon’s. she’d surely say ‘our’ son, unless she officially disowned him as part of his banishment and hates his guts but then surely he’d have at least SOME reaction to seeing her unless he was, like, literally banished at birth and doesn’t know who she is and that he’s half-altean. bc if he knew he was he’d connect the dots between ‘only altean on the ship’ and his dad v quickly.

like i do know the story behind exactly how original lotor (aka sincline) is half altean and it’s Unpleasant and makes zarkon a fucking monster and i doubt this series would even imply that that was the case here but if it did and our lotor knew this was the truth behind his parentage that could explain his lack of reaction to haggar AND his deeply intrinsic rejection of his father.

oh come ON the ship is stocked with oxygen!!!!!! why would a ship that’s intended for a robot pilot need oxygen!!!!!!!!

seven days, when he’s already in a bad way re blood loss/injury (like a healing serious wound burns calories and fluid by the truckload) and didn’t have much water to go on beforehand. if i didn’t think something was up before man.

finally, almost 20 minutes in, we finally see him think of his teammates. took long enough.

black lion notices. hrm.

episode six:

nice shooting lancFCUKING KILL THEM ALLURA

SAME LANCE

HUG YOUR SON SHIRO actually no you’re not shiro stay the fuck away from him

‘weird headache’ since this isn’t a dramatic romance show, he’s not got Invisible Anime Disease #5 so there’s absolutely a tracker in his brain.

A HUNK MOMENT THAT ISN’T ABOUT FOOD I’M CRY (like it intersects with pidge but i don’t mind it’s nice that he gets to show his own brains in what feels like forever)

shiro automatically stepping back in ‘this is what we do mode’ is SHRHCHCH. NO. even if he WASN’T a clone he’s still recovering and is missing out on potentially months of their relationships changing and being redefined. he can’t just step back in like that.

ok so like???? if there’d been more scenes like this early on??? i’d probably be totally into klance?? like keith doesn’t really grasp the depths of the issue with lance judging by how the shot holds on lance leaving and his facial expressions and all but keith tries and lance tries and there’s no cheap joke thrown in there’s no rejecting that there was any emotional connection. it’s not solved the problem lance has by any means but it’s lance opening up to keith about his vulnerabilities and worries and it’s keith doing his best to help him both as a leader and a friend and the narrative doesn’t turn either of them into a joke for it. THAT IS MY SHIT RIGHT THERE.

like i’m obvs lowkey into enemies-friends-lovers (bc otherwise i wouldn’t consider keitor or any of my other ships which i won’t name bc i’ve made it this far without comparing anything to warcraft so i won’t start now) but i guess i much prefer the friends-lovers stage. (especially when only one half of the pair considers the other as ‘enemy’ in the first place).

‘just whack it’ is a universal law that will last forever

SHIRO ARE YOU IN THE LEADER CHAIR. NO? SHUT UP.

fucking fake ass shiro he doesn’t even acknowledge keith stepping up to make a plan as leader like he always fucking wanted him to do he just sails on into his own plan without so much as a ‘sorry’. fuck you fake shiro. firo.

and keith just stands there like a lemon like this is ok ahrhfhg. firo i swear to god if you drag keith back down into the place he was on the gas planet before lance intervened i’m gonna be so mad.

interesting that we don’t get a reaction shot of lance when keith offers to stay behind instead of taking back red. considering how that was literally what the last scene between him and keith was about is all.

so clones are genetically identical so the black lion picking up on firo’s ~spark of life~ fading or whatever to rescue him isn’t odd. but the black lion knows your soul and it’s not happy.

(could be an issue when the real shiro returns tho but eh that’s a problem for futuretron)

I LOVE THIS LOYAL PETTY BASTARD

“Victory or death!” OH COME ON YOU’RE MAKING THE WARCRAFT REFERENCES FOR ME. LOKTAR OGAR

so perhaps lotor squad isn’t in on operation kuron?

i wonder what’s being whispered during the mind control scenes.

that ship looks like a space fox... or maybe a star fox.

in two minds about this part like right now firo IS right but they DO need to actually try and confront lotor at some point. it’s ALWAYS going to be a bad time bc lotor has figured out how to use plot armor to protect himself so sometimes you just need to attack that face down trap card and face the consequences or you’ll be stuck forever yknow?

OH IT’S HER. FROM THE SHIP. COOL i was wondering if that’d come up again.

oops he’s ambidextrous.

also i think ezor might be a little crueler than she lets on, she’s got some v. vicious expressions going on in this grapple.

ZETHRID THINKS ALLURA’S A WORTHY OPPONENT ZELLURA YOU ARE CLEARED FOR LAUNCH (in other news i am a terrible person)

honestly those are both equally high priority targets, either one WILL fuck things up in the future no matter if they follow firo or keith.

now lotor how do you know they were about to attack, unless you perhaps had a direct link into the lions communication lines, which have been kinda previously established as being impossible to hack?

(so that’s one point in them also knowing about project kuron)

YES KEITH THIS IS WHAT YOU DO BEST ON THE FLY INSTINCTIVE GOOD MOVE

hooooly shit lotor’s maaaad

get your hand off him firo.

“i’m sorry i had to step in back there” step in. STEP IN. LIKE YOU WEREN’T IN CONTROL OF THE ENTIRE MISSION START TO FINISH. he sets up ‘you were the leader and you weren’t good enough’ almost on purpose..

the former isn’t true because keith still stepped down and firo commanded all their movements from the ship and the latter isn’t true because no plan survives contact with the enemy keith basically had it as under control as shiro always did. considering the circumstances he did damn well AND he scored a ‘fuck you’ point against lotor by using lotor’s own new ship to wreck the teledove.

“i thought i had it under control” ;A;

HE’S BEEN THERE SINCE THEY ALL FORMED VOLTRON YOU FUCK. HE WAS GOOD AT THIS UNTIL YOU GOT HERE.

FUCK YOU FIRO.

damn that’s cold haggar.

episode seven:

i’m. um. huh. those certainly were memories i’ll need to pause on later.

this dramatic scene is being ruined by all the cute little triforces floating around.

my civil war theory is officially dead now i guess. goodbye, civil war theory. it was nice to have you as a handy aversion of the whole ‘X race is like this while Y race is like this’ trope that always shows up in sci fi and fantasy and sci-fantasy~

this music is giving me jack sparrow IN SPACE vibes.

oooh the dust particle effect in the light shafts in the air is pretty and a good attention to detail.

now see like why wasn’t his spirit projection thing back in season 1 more like this??? he has a character he’s got personality he’s just like his daughter i’d actually MISS this guy if that spirit projection thing had been like his true self and not a bland whatever he was he’s so forgettable i can’t even remember what he was like.

ZARKON WHAT THE FUCK HAPPENED. YOUR VOICE. YOUR EYES.

so like galra culture has a class/caste system and is kinda militaristic. explains a lot in the future i guess.

“WHAT IS THAT” is that the same cat narti has? and oh god no he’s a dork.

OH NO HE’S A REALLY BIG DORK AAAAAAAAAAA

AAAAA BABY ALLURA. SHE’S SO CUTE.

oh so he married honerva? oh no. OH NO SHE BETTER NOT BE HAGGAR. DON’T DO THIS.

“it was a customary gesture” tf is that all about.

“by willow!” is that the first canon mention of a deity? cool.

so the red paladin was technically the first paladin.

this thing is eldritch as fuck.

“Am I a leg?!” god i am so sad that you’re going to die horribly i love you.

now it’s REALLY eldritch.

god she really is haggar.

so alteans definitely age then (which proves empress allura was definitely dead a long LONG time before alt-eans went all mind-controlly).

honergar’s giving me major ‘that bloodbender who’s name i’ve forgotten’ vibes.

I KNEW QUINTESSENCE WAS BAD SHIT

he loves her so much im gonna cry.

so the lions cannot pick up on deceit then. they accept the will of their paladin over the safety of voltron as a whole and the other lions. they cast no moral judgement.

so there could easily be an evil voltron somewhere.

ZARKON NO HE’S HOLDING HER HAND ARGH.

so those weird purple cloud creatures from another dimension are puppeteering the corpse of the first black paladin, taking his basic desire for power and extending it into a galaxy spanning genocidal crusade because???

their home dimension must be a fucking hell dimension if things like that are trying to escape.

that guard made it seem like they sorta knew and accepted why their planet was destroyed so i guess zarkon returning from death was such a massive cultural shock that they all fell into line. bc otherwise i find it hard to believe that every single galra would join the battle (like yeah the blades exist but they’re a tiny movement) and not question what the fuck happened to his eyes or voice or how he came back from the fucking dead or why they’re meant to suddenly hate everyone.

ok so why do most of the galra have similar glowing eyes iirc? surely the vast majority should have the normal eyes that old zarkon and lotor have but they don’t. unless like successful generals are permitted to ‘live’ forever by taking the creatures into their bodies but then like they have far too much personality for that. the loktar ogar guy for example. what gives.

that’s kind of a leap at lotor’s motives but an understandable one, they don’t know how much lotor detests being like his father so i doubt he’d do the same damn thing his father was trying to do.

he’s baaaaack and he’s got no new tricks, zombieman zarkon’s still just as thick as the last time~

lotor’s gonna be so mad. and also this doesn’t actually explain why haggar lets zarkon run roughshod all over her much better plans prior to this because she doesn’t remember being his husband until this episode.

and also also imo this means haggar definitely can’t be lotor’s mother bc when we’re seeing things coran can’t possibly know like honerva on her death bed we’re probably seeing haggar’s vision of events and he doesn’t appear to be a factor in either of their lives but she remembers their wedding perfectly.

(unless he’s a zombaby but he can’t be because his eyes don’t glow).

hrm.

season four when.

ok hear me out - im purposefully asking u this so u can disprove me and lay my mind to lovely johnlock rest, but i just dont get why john would tell sherlock to go for someone else (irene) if he wanted to get in dem pants??? like, as far as john knows, irene is gay and sherlock is relatively indifferent, so why push it?? why not say 'hey sherly look here i am come at me let's get canon' yknow.

hoo boy okay so im probs not the best person to ask since this is something that i feel would benefit from proper meta and shit BUT THIS IS WHAT I THINK

john is still really fucking jealous of irene like it’s almost a blinding jealousy like john my dude chill the fuck out......... so i think he talks about irene because he’s still jealous and convinced sherlock has a Thing for her because he ignores her texts (which he doesn’t do to john, so john must think she’s special?? weird logic you got going on there john me dude)

i also feel like john deflects talking about his own feelings by using irene, and also kind of as a Final Confirmation as to whether or not sherlock is into her?? which sherlock confirms Once And For All that he isn’t

which ties into my next point - you gotta remember john generally Finds It Difficult, This Sort of Stuff, and is quite emotionally blocked-up; he is also presumably still grieving (if mary did indeed die), so Feelings are generally a tough subject to tackle head-on - thus the deflection and talking about irene!! i also feel like john maybe wanted to kind of protect himself from heartbreak if sherlock rejected him there and then bc he thinks sherlock was in love with irene, so for him that would be a logical explanation for being rejected also he’s in a really Vulnerable Place emotionally and i honestly think sherlock being like “nah” in that moment would literally Destroy Him so logically he’d wanna avoid that so he goes about it in a less direct way aka “do you still text her” or w/e

so yea this Final Confirmation is like a huge sigh of relief for johnno and maybe also a glimmer of hope that he does have a chance!!!! with sherlock!!!!!!! that they can use this Really Emotionally Charged moment and start actually fUCKING TALKING ABOUT THEIR FEELINGS WHO THE FUCK KNOWS!!!!!!! anyway it’s 1am and i literally do not have any properly coherent thoughts on this so uh yeah!!!! i am sure this is not what u wanted but here ya go anyway!!!

ALSO WATCH SOME TJLC EXPLAINED VIDS ON YOUTUBE @quietlyprim IS VASTLY MORE ELOQUENT AND PROBABLY HAS MUCH BETTER THOUGHTS ABOUT THIS THAN I DO!! 

New you but goodbye too

i never really formally talked about you here but its okay because i think its over anyway.

Dear you,

there is really no doubt in my mind that i like you.. alot. while now im realizing that the feeling is not reciprocated but i just want to express how fluttery you made me feel. things that i like/liked about you? well where do i begin?

firstly, you are such a sweetheart, always carinf for the people around you and their feelings and what they need.

secondly, your work ethic. to be honest, it was really a major turn on that you were willing hustle between intern and working on the weekends (7 days of work week) just to make ends meet for yourself, i really found that massively attractive, that drive to work hard and all for yourself

thirdly, how you can be quite manja and actually kind of a whiny baby, lowkey i found that rlly cute

fourth, how you never ever rejected any task i assigned you even though you hated it, i really really respected that about you

and then around february was our peak i guess. you started replying to practically all my stories and im not going to deny that i posted more just so that i could have that little little conversations with you. and our study dates, i wont lie that i was productive cuz i was soooo frikin unproductive but that little time i could spend with you and the lepaking sessions after, how i wish i could relive it. all our mac dates also, i mean i honestly love macs but eatinf macs with you was always a whole other feeling. and when you surprise delivered mac to my house just because i complain that i was hungry, you waiting so damn long in queue just for me cuz im a hungry brat, honestly i thought that was it already, i thought that was a sign that you liked me back because what normal friend wld do that for their "friend"? seriously thats going waaaay out of your way to satisfy me and no guy has ever done that for me before. i thought it was it , we were gna be together already soon. but well i guess not.

after that it kind of went downhill? we talked less, we met up less, also the fact that you finished your intern report already so you did not need to meet up with me already. i felt kinda used at that point but its ok, i was fine with it. and then you stopped asking me out. it was more of me clinging on to you, and im not going to lie bcus no doubt i used quiffy so that you could be there too. i really just wanted you. even when you had both friends around, like that car ride, you totally ignored me and didnt even try to include me? and when we hanged with quiffy at the back when you were with your bros, once again you ignored me. you suck at balancing two grps of friends because you always ignore me. trying not to be petty but, i guess im not important enough in your life. and i tried to be honest, to be sweet and cringy to show you i had some affections for you, but well you really did not reciprocate it at all.

i tried and tried to cover my shame and embarrassment and just continue the convo just so i could still talk to you. i confided in you when i was feeling super emotional but to be honest i could tell that you did not give a rats ass. i tried but i guess im not what you were looking for. i would have treated you so well, give you all the space with your friends and showered you with love, but i guess you dont want that from me. i waited and waited, because maybe i liked you before you "did" so i had to give you time to be on the same level but yep nope, i really guess im just not it.

eventually, right now, i mustered the courage to tell myself that i am worth more than this. if you dont like me for me, if you dont find interest in me at all, then what can i do? feelings cant be forced and i have to accept that. we are not meant to be and i just have to accept that. im just sad because i keep thinking of what could have been and how im not crazy to have assumed you liked me, but i dont want to seem desperate for affection even though i admittedly am. but its okay. the right guy would prove to me that he likes me, not keep me in constant shadow. the right guy will eventually come along and i just have to be patient. i know i put up a very strong front and look as though im fine being independent and everything but it gets a little lonely sometimes. i was to grow with someone, achieve our goals together, but i guess that wont happen with you.

i thought you could have been the one yknow, but wel God has other plans for me so i just have to embrace it and move on. even though nothing happened, i went through 14 weeks of being unsure and insecure about myself so really that is enough. im better than this. i am ready to let you go, MFBF. thank you for giving me a slither of hope. but i guess thats over.