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Trust...

Trust was built up when we first met.

The moment I sat down in the same table; we exchanged looks… I trusted you to see my physical flaws. I trusted you to continue to speak to me, staring at me with such tender … the one I deeply miss, the one I cannot and don’t want to forget, the one I fell in love with.

From that day on I trusted…

I trusted you to call … my landline I recall! And I had previously repeatedly to add credit to my phone. We then contacted each other to hang out. We did, we webcam a lot… I loved every single one of the video calls! You showing me thru skype your apartment, and your ideas... then again there it was, as always, the tender stare… I continued to fall in love with you... little by little, with small details! With you always caring... so tenderly, I trusted enough to cross the whole city to take care of you cus you were sick, I was so afraid I remember to make such a long and unknown trip... still I commuted and I didn’t mind. I trusted the directions you gave me… and then again I got there, made chicken soup… and I was yours. .. And you were mine, and we were one. I gave you my heart, my soul and my whole that night. With it my trust.

And it continued, to meet you half way at a metro station from there head to the movies or dinner or your place. Building a relationship, unknowing certainly what we were doing, we were both young playing to be mature… we however did not expect the changes the flips our hearts with play in this. The ongoing movies, museums, trips continued. .

And so it was C.C 2012 you asked me to be yours formally… odd and crazy. Yet so happy we decided to say yes to a wonderful relationship.

Making me a part of your family and me making you a part in mine, it grew stronger day by day it was a balanced relationship with trust. Finally after I pushed it, I moved in. the commute was getting insane, reality started to hit. It was then we started building a life together… harder for both of us as our ways were not always the same… we still managed, we started to give life to that place, the one on the 5th floor high as our love grew, with time we managed to laugh, speak to each other, care for each other and eventually depend on each other. We were then ONE. Trust ruled and we thought we ruled the world.

Catastrophe decided to test THAT TRUST! After the test life gave us… what happened?

That’s when he changed, and eventually the other one did too. Those two souls, grew stronger with that yet, they weren’t the same... the puncture had penetrated and it was inevitable. Madness, anger consumed me… and forgive me for all I´ve done is being selfish and gotten that anger out on you the person I MOST love, the one I was eager enough to trust with that tender stare.. However, something was different... the stare was pale, grey and hard to despair. I was blind, didn’t see it then, but what caused it? Anger… on both ends, all we knew was love, no one taught us how to express anger or discuss it so we didn’t. We never did, it accumulated on both ends, and eventually we started a family.

Yoyo wonderful baby whom I recall ate your iPhone charger as a puppy and that was his worst action. . Yoyo was lonely and so was I... you gave him to me despite your tasteless for dogs… you took a risk, perhaps you were fed up with my phone calls, and texts messages, and my way disgusting way of spending money and decided it was good to keep me busy and so it did, hes a wonderful 5 year old yokshire, with beautiful golden hair.. Who doesn’t like mango, loves is rubbed on his tummy and loves to play as puppy biting you he is a natural licker, and he loves to be pet at all times. Leah came.

Leah…

Leah meant fights, Leah meant fear, and Leah meant destruction… Leah meant fights between you and I … causing you to be late at nights more than usual. Leah caused you to fall into tears as she destroyed your footsteps. Shoes, mats. Furniture, everything she destroyed. We didn’t know shed be pronate, therefore her jaw was malforming and causing her to constantly bite on things and chew as it really hurt her.  We didn’t know that then and you wanted her out, I decided to declare war on you, opposition began disagreements. And eventually when she was about to go she won your heart, she turned you humble. she learnt to walk on two legs because of you. She learnt to do FOCA cus you sang the little mermaid to her, you know something… she misses that. She is not at fault, and she deserves her dad around despite all odds… her heart was broken when separation came… but Leah she made you a humble person, you started to change, you were no longer such an egoist, arrogant person.. You changed and so did I. we learnt to live with each other and you helped me train her rather than leaving it all to me. She has and will always have your soul connected to hers. Up to today she jumps when she hears your name... she dreams of the day youll come to the door and visit her at least for a few minutes.

Higo came home as a guest, the person left him far too long as you were already extremely humble and soft hearted with dogs. You decided to keep him, I disagreed and we kept him. You helped train him in the beginning… then things started to take a spin… you were gone most of the time. We argued whenever she was involved... she…. She was always, SHE.

Higo grew to be none yours nor mine, yet he is very attached to me, he learnt on his own the house rules as he followed the other two as if they were his parents. We didn’t have to argue about him much. And we started to travel… it was wonderful, we were there. But the promise we made was no longer alive. Prior to the big trip, we decided to unite lives, pretty much because I insisted due to the TRUST TEST… I felt I needed somehow secure or feel I was secured. I was egoist and selfish, I was that angry person that was hiding within…

We got married, not sure but at the time it was more of a formal affair rather a heart wanting union. Eventually time changed that and we were in love again. The issued began when mysterious calls emerged, mysterious messages, disappearances… secrets… lies... an affair perhaps? MH then emerged, trust had collapsed, yet we were so fragile we continued to get used to one another, ignore one another and be fed up.

She disliked me from the beginning with her idiotic and disgusting ideas about me. The expression she made during that email where she mentioned 10 things she hated about 2 people… I was one of them. That was the last I took from her,  

She came into my life shortly after we started dating formally, her stare was not friendly, and it was judging and rude. I somehow maned to realize with time that you both have a bond, a very strange one indeed. She was always and constantly demanding you’d be with her at all times, she always had boy drama and self-teem drama and the fear to be alone. And there you were. Things weren’t good between you and I so she was braking up with her boyfriend, timing was perfect you both maned to be together at all times. She never liked me and we both know she disagreed. Why? Only SHE knows. God forbid any wrong on her, I deeply from the bottom of my heart wish her well with her marriage and wish her everything positive so she doesn’t have to experience a beating heart rising and feeling crushed and suddenly drowning in tears at all times, at all places.

We said goodbyes, SHE insisted you leave me for once, trust had been broken the moment I searched for untrusted events and idiotic ideas, fear of losing you. Found many untrustworthy things and trust was then violated on both ends. Our love was there, we just had buried it under all the anger and hate we had been accumulating over time. The decision was made repeatedly but never taken in too seriously. Until now. This is when separation begins, my heart crushes…and I leave. After that the story seems to be blurry, vacant empty. But the connection is there. I do want to tell you that I forgive you dearly, because I have also forgiven myself but most importantly. I have forgiven the both of us. At this particular time 4:06a.m. My eyes are in tears as they have been the past months. After realizing and maturing and knowing that what I feel is real and know that I must fight for you. I need to make changes and hope to reunite one day. I know there is love, and we made promises... we need to complete them i would love to. Let me sing to you one last time, please consider, the possibilities, if we love each other we took many risks together. Let’s take one last one. The biggest one of all, to grow together, to get to know each other, to listen to each other, and as mature individuals make the rightful decisions. Here go some pieces of what comes to my head when I hear it… your tender stare, along with a smile that one smile I always love and will continue to cherish. ..

Your dreams they’re on my bed

Your dreams they’re in my head

Your hands they’re on my skin

(I promise)

So I’m trying, this up for now...

From heaven back to the ground

I know well get another round (I want nothing more in life)

I love you with all my heart soul and mind. I cherish every single moment. And I patiently hope for the miracle... I promise I will always be here. I LOVE YOU... is such a small phrase to express my emotions towards you.

 ´´my heart to you´´…..