#hands and arms cramping like heck oof | Explore Tumblr Posts and Blogs

bibliomint · 5 years

Text

wip // 9500+ words

As I stared up at the ceiling, doing my best to fall asleep, my mind raced and my back ached, a reminder of everything that had happened today. I closed my eyes and tried to quiet my breathing, but all I could see was twisted, mangled bodies and hear the screaming of the suffering.

My bunkmate hit my mattress with his foot. “Jules.”

I started. “Yeah.” I whispered back in the darkness, aware of the other sleeping bodies in the cramped room.

“You’re shaking so hard I can feel it.”

“Sorry.”

There was nothing I could do about it, though. I rolled onto my side, facing out towards the room, but even I could see my own hands shaking. I swallowed even though my throat felt tight and pulled the thin, scratchy blanket higher on my shoulders.

“Jules.”

“What.”

“C’mere.”

I didn’t move.

“Julian.”

“I’m comfy.”

“It’s one in the fucking morning. Stop arguing and come here.”

“I’m not laying next to you. Screw off.”

“You’re so cold you’re shaking the entire bedframe—“

“I’m not cold.”

He fell silent at that for a long moment. “Still.”

I let out an aggravated sigh and sat up. Swinging my legs over the side, I slid off the bunk bed to the cold floor, my socked feet immediately protesting. I reluctantly sat on the edge, wrapping the blanket around myself and avoiding his hands.

Not because I disliked him—far from it. He was the closest thing I had to a friend in this escalating war, in this crappy military fortress, in this rundown town with no running water.

I just didn’t want him to like me back. I didn’t want him to find out all the secrets I was keeping.

And physical touch increased that chance that he would hate me forever, or worse, try to protect me like I was beneath him.

I had gotten into this rag tag militia just as squarely as he had.

I absolutely, positively, did not want Hayden Cartwright to know I was a woman.

I heard him shift behind me, one hand brushing against my lower back. I tensed and pulled away. “Don’t touch me.”

“Would you relax for five fucking seconds? Yona almighty, you’re like a wound up cactus.”

He wrapped his own blanket around me, then settled back against the wall, his elbows on his bent knees.

“You’re picking up native slang already.” I cursed the fact my heart had softened by the simple action of lending me the blanket.

I didn’t have to look at him to know he shrugged. “Mm. Some of it is actually pretty funny to say.”

I arched my back, trying to feel less tight and relax my muscles. I slumped forward with a sigh.

“C’mere.”

“No.”

He sighed. “Really, Jules, just for a second.”

“No.” I said stubbornly.

Hayden shifted.

“If you touch me I’ll bite you.” I hissed.

“Kinky.” He smirked, but pulled away anyway.

Smart man.

Hot man.

Stop it, Julian.

“We have drills in the morning. You should sleep.” I started to shed off his blanket.

“Keep it.” He stopped me, pulling it back around me. “I’m a warm sleeper. Really, Jules.”

I wordlessly climbed back up onto my bed, drawing my knees to my chest in my best attempt to stop trembling.

I didn’t sleep much.

The next morning was rough. I stumbled around in a dazed confusion of bone-deep weariness; if Hayden hadn’t covered for me more than once I probably would have been booted out to do legwork or something equally as terrible.

Standing in line, my hands clasped behind my back, I didn’t dare look up a him. I kept my eyes straight ahead, fighting the urge to yawn or sway on my feet. Heck, I was tired.

I ended up getting delegated to check on the native people, specifically the monks in the east side of town.

Everyone hated that job. It was boring; the monks didn’t do anything exciting, or pay us much attention unless we got in their way.

However, at that moment, I was so glad to be on Monk Duty that I could have kissed the sergeant.

Some of the tension eased from my shoulders as I slung my bag over my shoulder. Mindless wanderings of the temple sounded like heaven on earth. Maybe I could find an alcove somewhere to cozy up in and catch some shuteye.

“I owe you.” I said apologetically as Hayden changed out of his sweat-soaked shirt for a cleaner one.

“It’s cool. I felt bad for you. Yesterday was rough.” He tucked his shirt into his pants.

“Let me know how I can make it up to you.” I rolled my neck, working out the kinks with a wince.

“You can make it up to me right now. Before you go.” He said seriously, combing his fingers through his short, dark hair.

I cocked my head curiously. “How so?”

Hayden smiled. “A hug.”

Every ounce of tension I thought had disappeared instantly came back. My fingers tightened around the straps of my bag. “No.”

He shrugged. “Well, that’s how you can make it up to me, so I guess you’ll just owe me for a while.”

I gritted my teeth, desperately wanting to throw a temper tantrum. He could have literally asked for anything else.

Of course he would go for physical contact. He knew how much I hated it, and wanted to shove it in my face.

Jerk.

“Later.” I whirled and stalked out.

The walk to the temple only made me moodier. I wanted to claw his face off. Or make him do pushups until he collapsed.

Or kiss him.

I shook my head, trying to dispel the thought. Absolutely not.

Striding up the steps and into the temple, I was awashed in quiet serenity. Distantly, I could hear some kind of singing. I headed in the opposite direction, wandering around in the maze of tall hallways. Large windows cast the stone building with strange shadows; that’s probably why I didn’t see him until I bumped into him.

“Oof.” I stumbled back.

Hands caught me by the shoulders, catching me before I crashed into a statue. “Please be more careful.” His voice was soft but stern, and I felt like a small child under the weight of his stare.

I brushed him off and straightened. His eyes, bright blue like a summer sky, darted to the gun slung over my shoulders. “Why do you bring weapons into a house of peace and worship?”

“Because not everyone is here for good mojo, buddy.” I crossed my arms defensively, not liking his piercing stare.

One eyebrow raised. “This is not a place of ‘’good mojo’’. It is a house of Yona, and I would ask if you be more respectful of it.”

Now it was my turn to gaze at him with disbelief. Usually the monks just sidestepped us and nodded to whatever we said. It was nice to see they all weren’t so brainwashed.

I grinned at him, enjoying the way he looked confused at my sudden change in expression. “Sure thing, squirt. So, where’s a good place to meditate and maybe fall asleep?”

The utter bewilderment on his face was hard not to snicker at.

“I-you-this way.” He sighed, and turning, started back down the hall where he came from.

He made no more sound than a whisper, but my boots thumped embarrassingly loud on the stone walkway. I tucked my hands into my pockets and tried to relax.

“You been here a while?”

“Five years.”

I cocked my head. “Excuse my bluntness, but you look more like a sheepherder than a monk.”

He glanced over his shoulder at me, and I hurriedly tried to explain. “You’ve got that whole wildly rugged lumberjack vibe happening. Not like, y’know, the stereotypical shaved head monk kinda thing.”

“We value diversity.”

“Huh. So like, only guys run this place or are there girl monks too?”

From his tone of voice, I could tell I was testing his patience. “There are no nuns here.”

He pushed open a door, exposing a cozy, simple room. Mats were piled in the corner and some sort of wooden shrine sat near the front of the room.

I wandered inside, fully aware of him hanging out by the door. “Cozy.”

I lowered myself down to the cold floor, letting my bag slide off my shoulders. He didn’t offer me a mat; I made no move to take one.

Closing the door, the man reluctantly shuffled forward to the front of the room. He lowered himself to his knees and gave a low bow, letting his forehead touch the floor. He mumbled some words that sounded suspiciously like, “Please don’t let me kill her.”

I rested my elbow on my knee, letting the rest of my weight ease back onto my hand. Once he had straightened, sighed, and turned to face me, I started bombing him with questions.

“How old are you?”

“I’m twenty-four.”

“Where are you from?”

“Thirty miles south of here.”

“What’s your name?” That was a question I should have asked him a long time ago.

“Rowan.”

I let that sit for a moment, turning the syllables around in my mouth. I liked it.

“How come you’ve stuck around and haven’t left me alone? Like my sparkling personality too much?”

My smirk faded from my lips at his words. “Because I was sure you would destroy things. Soldiers always do.”

As silly as I thought their religion was, I would never actively try to oppress it. Sorrow replaced my cockiness, and I shifted into a cross-legged position, something that felt more open. “I’m sorry I gave off that impression. Frankly, I think your religion is silly, but I would never do something like that. I’m sorry it’s happened to you.”

My words and change in posture had captured his attention. He continued to watch me with suspicion, though.

The cold from the floor was seeping into my bones, but I had this urge to not appear weak in front of him. I kept my mouth shut about it and changed the subject. “So what’s your favorite thing about being a monk?”

“The peace and quiet.” He said pointedly.

I grinned. “Not something you’ll experience with me around. So what’s your least favorite thing?”

“That I regularly see people lie about serious matters.”

That scraped against my conscience. I forced my face to remain neutral. “I’m sure that would be hard.”

He angled his head in a way I didn’t know how to interpret. “Have something to confess?”

“Negative.” I said easily, burying the twinge. “Clean as a whistle. So, do you have family outside of here?”

“I have cut off all ties when I joined the monastery.”

I frowned. “That’s so sad.”

“No, it wasn’t.”

Somehow I got the impression he didn’t want to talk about it. I was about to ask him something else, until I realized that up until this point, I had been doing all the work. He hadn’t said anything else other than to reply to my questions.

That was a hard hit to my ego. I closed my mouth and shifted, back into a closed, protective position.

Things were quiet for a moment; Rowan tucked his hands into the sleeves of his dark grey robe, and I started cleaning my gun even though it was in top shape.

“You don’t have to stay.” I said quietly. “I’m not going to wreck your home.”

“I have no duties to attend to.”

“For real though. I kind of just want to sleep.”

He didn’t say anything.

Fine then. Be that way. Screw being at least polite.

I dragged my things to the opposite side of the room, near the door. My fingers curled around my gun as I rested my head against the wall. Rowan continued to ignore me.

“Just because you’re a monk, doesn’t mean you have zero social skills.”

“I have plenty of social skills. I don’t feel like wasting my breath on you.”

That stung.

It reminded me of the other times I had been ostracized from the squad. Because I was smaller and couldn’t physically carry as much. Because I didn’t strip around the others, I was labeled with demeaning terms.

It felt like a slap in the face.

It was understandable I wouldn’t get along with everyone in my squad. As long as we didn’t leave anyone behind, who cared what our real relationship was like.

But I couldn’t even get a supposedly peaceful, warmhearted nut to like me.

I stared at the ceiling, willing the tears that blurred my eyes and burned my nose to go away. Closing my eyes was a mistake; the tears spilled down my cheeks. Moving to wipe them away would draw attention. Sniffling would get his attention.

The last thing I wanted was for the jerk on the other side of the room to know he had made me cry.

“Why are you crying?”

Great.

“Shut the fuck up.” I gritted my teeth and swiped at my face.

He rose to his feet and started walking towards me. Before I had really realized it, my gun was aimed at his head, my finger on the trigger.

“Don’t you dare come any closer.” I said hoarsely. “I will spray your brains all over your stupid shrine.”

Rowan paused, his hands raised in a sign of surrender, his eyes trained on me with so much intent that I wanted to just shoot him anyway. I felt four times smaller; I tightened my grip.

I probably looked like a lunatic; a small soldier, tears on his face, holding a gun to a monk’s head.

Who cared what I looked like. All I knew was that my heart was in my throat and I was having flashbacks to unpleasant times.

I must have wavered for a moment, because he was on me in a flash, wrestling the gun from my grip.

I struggled, clocking him across the face with my elbow. He grunted, gripping my hand so tight that I cried out and let go.

The gun sailed across the room. Rowan was momentarily distracted, until I yanked out my switch knife from my pocket. I swung, my brain on autopilot, the only thing keeping me going was my desire to live.

I ended up giving him a haircut; a couple locks of dark hair drifted to the floor. It was only a moment before that too, was ripped from my hand and tossed across the room.

I only had my fists left to defend me, but I had already been overpowered twice with weapons I was trained in using. I wouldn’t win in a strength match. Actually terrified now, I curled up in a ball, covering my head and letting out possibly the most embarrassing whimper I had ever uttered in my entire nineteen years of existence.

I could hear him breathing hard overtop of me, which only made me curl up tighter. At that point I didn’t know what he was capable of; I had never heard of a monk getting physical, and though it might normally have been a stretch, somehow I didn’t think it would be so crazy to think if Rowan felt threatened, he would hit first.

“Life in the barracks must be rough if you think a guy in a robe is going to hit you.” He sat back on his feet.

I didn’t uncurl; I was shaking so hard from both fear and from being curled up so tightly I didn’t think I would ever recover.

“I would have asked your name, but upon first seeing you I thought you would be the type to instantly die in battle and I figured it was useless. Now I know you would be the coward to run and hide.” He said scornfully. “No need to waste brain space for someone who doesn’t deserve it.”

Coward. That was me. I looked away from the dead and broke down at the sound of enemy aircraft. I couldn’t sleep through the night anymore. I avoided physical touch and comfort and warmth for fear of being found out and kicked out of the only life I knew. I didn’t make friends for fear they would abandon me. I didn’t have a lover back home because I was scared he would hate me for leaving.

Coward. I, Julian Grey, was a coward with a capital C. That was my identity. That was why I had come to the monastery, to avoid the taunts and scornful glances.

Me running away to hide had only lead to more pain.

I heard him leave, the soft swishing sound of his robes and the click of the door barely recognizable over the roaring in my ears and my screaming heart.

It was late when I entered my room I shared with three others. Two didn’t spare me anything but a passing glance, but Hayden greeted me with more cheer than I felt like I deserved.

Rowan’s words were clanging in my ears. A waste of space to know your name.

Hayden’s smile slipped as I brushed past him. “Jules?”

“Later.” I climbed up into my bunk and pulled my and his blankets over my head.

I didn’t have any more tears left to cry, but I did have plenty of harsh words to kill myself with.

“Let’s go get food. I’m starving.” He coaxed me, standing on the frame of his bed to be at eye level with me.

“I’m not hungry.” It was a half-lie.

I was hungry, but the thought of food made me want to throw up.

“Okay....come with me while I get food.”

“No, Hayden.”

“That’s your favorite phrase, isn’t it. No Hayden. Stop it Hayden. Julian...c’mon. Indulge me.” He sounded defeated.

Guilt was drowning me in a tidal wave. I pushed away the blankets and slid off the bunkbed. His eyes lit up as I shoved my feet into my boots.

“Let’s gooo!!!” He said enthusiastically, grabbing his jacket and leading the way out of the room.

“So tell me about your day.” Hayden bumped me with his arm.

I took a half step further to the side. “It was shit.”

“No kidding. You went to the temple. Nothing happens. But I thought you wanted to go? Catch some Zzz’s?”

I tucked my hands further into my pockets, gripping the material between my fingers. “I met the biggest jerk ever.”

“A bigger jerk than me? Not fair, I can’t believe I have competition.” He whined.

I couldn’t bring myself to smile, when normally that would have incited teasing. “Yeah.”

Hayden furrowed his eyebrows. “What happened, Julian?”

I shrugged, feeling my throat tighten. “He...reminded me of those guys from sector 4.”

Hayden sucked in a breath. “Fuck, Jules. I’m so sorry.”

I shrugged again, nervously licking my lips. “It’s whatever.”

“I mean, I thought you would be happier at the temple. Get some time to recuperate and whatnot. But I guess your day would have been better if you trained until you passed out.” He ran his fingers through his hair as we approached the mess hall.

“There was no way to know. Don’t worry about it.” Somehow, just talking to him made me feel a tiny bit better.

“Yeah, but...” His hand fell to hit his thigh. “I feel bad. Like it’s my job to look out for you.”

I tensed. “I’m not your charge.”

“No, of course not. But I’ve been here longer than you. You’re like my little brother; teasing you is fun and I want to sock anyone who hurts you.” He said fiercely. “You’re special to me, Jules.”

I stopped walking to look up at him. To really look at him. To look past the dark hair, the blue eyes, the slightly crooked nose, the soft lips, to the man in front of me. The twenty-two year old who always looked out for me and stuck up for me and teased me and made me laugh. The man who felt closer than a brother. The man who would do anything for anyone, who stayed up late to make sure people were safe, who sacrificed time and energy to help me and everyone around me.

He was super annoying, but he was also amazing.

I blinked and broke eye contact, so sure I would do something stupid. Coughing, I nodded to the long table of food. “You should eat.”

“You too.” Hayden argued.

“I feel like throwing up right now.” I admitted.

Something softened in his gaze. “Okay.”

I sat down, picking at my nails as I waited. My eyes ended up scanning the mostly empty room, taking in the groups of people talking and laughing. Something in me longed for that kind of connection. Hayden was sweet and kept me busy, but still. I wanted someone I could tell things I couldn’t bear to tell him.

Hayden sat his tray down across from me, cutting off my melancholy thoughts.

“So how was your day?” I asked.

He brightened. “Really good! One of the staff sergeants complimented me on my strategic lineup.”

I smiled. “That’s great.”

“Right?! I thought I was gonna pass out. It was super great.” Hayden said enthusiastically.

He lifted his fork to his mouth, then paused. “They actually are gonna promote me with a ceremony and everything. I’m being promoted all the way to field sergeant.”

I rested my chin on my palm. “That’s amazing.”

“I, uh, would really appreciate it if you came.” He licked his lips.

“Yeah. Of course I’ll be there.” I nodded.

He relaxed, his eyes sparkling. “Thanks, Jules. It means a lot to me.”

His cerulean eyes scanned the mess hall before focusing on me again. “So like, that monk who...y’know. Do you want to talk about it?”

I picked up his unused spoon off of his plate and fiddled with it. “He, um... called me a coward and said it wasn’t worth knowing my name. Said it would be a waste of brain space.”

Hayden bristled.

I hurried on. “I mean like it made me, um, upset and he approached me and I freaked out and we fought and he was able to disarm me and I...”

“He made you break down.” Hayden finished, fury bright in his eyes and words.

I nodded. I felt weak for having to tell him. Why couldn’t I have just kept it to myself?

Coward.

“Ugh. Point him out to me next time we’re both at the temple.”

“Why?”

“Plan on him never walking again.” Hayden growled.

I shivered despite myself. I had met Angry Hayden before; it wasn’t pleasant.

He mostly ate in silence, not saying a word when I stole a slice of fruit. Usually he would pester me about stealing his food, yell at me to go get my own, but at that moment he probably was more happy I was eating something. Who cared where it came from.

We walked around the base rather aimlessly, both of us lost in thought. That urge, desire, itch, longing for a hug had sprung on me again, and I wrestled with the idea.

“So the hug is the only way you’ll let me make it up to you?” I asked.

Hayden blinked down at me, pulled from his thoughts. “What? Oh, yeah. Hugs are the new currency.”

I kept my hands in my pockets, squeezing the loose material in my fists. “I was thinking about it.”

“Oh?”

“Yeah.” I had never felt more awkward in my life.

A boyish smile crept across his face. “Got something to admit, Jules?”

I wrinkled my nose at him, earning a laugh.

“I knew you couldn’t resist this charm.” He spread his arms, grinning at me cheerily. “C’mere.”

I stared at him in disbelief, then sighed and stepped forward. My head came to rest on his sternum but my hands stayed stubbornly in my pockets. He wrapped his long arms around me, letting out a small noise of content.

“How long do I have to stay here?” I asked, trying not to inhale too deeply.

Even though running water was a luxury this town couldn’t afford, Hayden still managed to smell somewhat decent, and it sent my head and heart reeling.

“A couple more moments.” His grip tightened.

I angled my head up, my hands drifting up to rest on his sides. Muscles tensed, and I watched with interest as his Adam’s apple bobbed as he swallowed hard.

“Got something to admit, Cartwright?” I teased.

“My slate is clean, Grey.”

“I think you’re ticklish.” I lightly dragged my short nails along his sides.

Hayden shuddered. “Negative.”

I tried again, laughing at the way he curled away from my hands but still tried to hold onto me.

“You’re mean.” He grumbled.

“That’s me.” I pulled away, my heart freezing at the way his hands slid down my sides as he let go.

I wasn’t that curvy, but there was no denying it if you weren’t stupid. Hayden was far from stupid, but he also was somewhat oblivious.

I always banked on it, anyway.

“Now we’re even.” I crossed my arms over my chest.

He smiled a little dreamily. “I finally got physical contact with my favorite person. This is great.”

I snorted and started to walk away, hoping he wouldn’t notice how warm my cheeks felt. “Don’t hope for it any time soon.”

“Aw, really? I thought you didn’t mind it. You held on for a while, after all.”

“I indulged you. I felt guilty.” I said firmly.

“Yeah sure. You just couldn’t resist my charms.”

Despite everything, I looked over my shoulder at him, taking in how he was glowing. A soft smile crossed my face.

“Sure thing. It was definitely your charm.”

I inwardly flinched when I was assigned monastery overseeing duty. No. No no no, please, anything but that.

My face must have given something away, because the task master squinted at me. “Got a problem with that, Grey?”

“No, sir.” I straightened.

Hayden dared to side eye me, but snapped back to attention at the sound of his name. He was put back on strategy practice.

Lucky.

“That sucks so bad. They must have it in for you.” Hayden said mournfully as I slung my gun over my shoulder.

“Something like that.” I said grumpily.

“Wait, wait,” He caught my attention before I left the room. “Hug before you go?”

He had such a childish hope on his face that I couldn’t bear to say no. “Make it quick, Hayden.” I sighed.

He eagerly hugged me, squeezing and lifting me off the ground. “You should shower after you get back. Or during.”

“Yeah.”

He carefully sat me back on my feet and gave a mock salute. “Reporting for duty, Captain!”

I rolled my eyes, but played along. “At ease, soldier. Clean out the latrines with a toothbrush. I want it spotless by 1200.”

He paled. “Yes Captain!”

“Anything less than spotless means two hundred pushups.”

“Jeez, you’re a tough Captain.”

“What was that?”

“Sir, yes sir!”

I punched him in the abs, making him grunt. “Have a good day, Hayden.”

He rubbed his stomach, but smiled at me anyway. “You too, Julian.”

As I climbed the stone steps into the temple, I ignored everyone tall. Luckily, a shorter man came to greet me.

He bowed in greeting. I angled my head in hello.

“You seem tired. We have a guest room for you, if you would indulge.” He said calmly, quietly.

I started. “I, uh, probably shouldn’t. How did...”

“You were here yesterday; Rowan informed me. I am sorry for his conduct. Please do not judge us all by the actions of one.”

So he had a conscience, and everyone else didn’t want us to shoot them for his stupidity. Interesting.

“I’ll swing by in a moment. I have some things to do.” I shifted the weight on my back. “Thank you, though.”

He bowed again, handed me a key with the numbers 32 inscribed on the brass plating, then disappeared down a hall.

I wandered around the building, writing down things I saw and at what time. Like when groups moved from one place to another, what food they ate or when they took breaks. I was supposed to have done it yesterday, but, well, that hadn’t gone to plan.

“You’re spying on us, now.” Rowan said from behind me.

Everything tensed in me, and my N dipped much lower on the page than usual. “I’m following orders.”

“You’re spying.” He repeated firmly.

“I’m following orders.” I repeated, not turning around to face him.

I slipped my pen back into my pocket and kept walking. I could hear him shuffle behind me, easily keeping up.

“Stop following me.” I said, when he turned the same corner for the fourth time in a row.

“I’m not following you.”

“I hope you aren’t.” I was nearing the room they had offered me, and I fished out the key from my pocket.

He ducked into a room one hallway before I did, and only then did I breathe a sigh of relief, my legs turning to jello as I allowed myself to breathe regularly again.

Unlocking the room, I stepped inside. A rug was tossed over the stone floor in a small attempt to banish the chill in the air. A mattress was placed on the floor, with a couple of blankets on top. There was a window-seat with a pillow, and a door adjoining the room. I curiously pushed it open, to find a bathtub and toilet.

“Running water?” I whispered, trying the handle of the tub.

Cold water gushed out. I could have cried.

My decision made, I locked the door and shed my clothes, filling up the tub with cold water. I didn’t care how cold it was; a bath by myself, without the fear of someone walking in, sounded amazing.

Taking the binder off was possibly the best thing I had done in a while. I was perfectly comfortable in my body, but I knew I would be treated even more terribly if I broadcasted my gender, so I wore a chest binder during the day, pausing to take it off when I slept or showered.

The soap provided was far from luxurious, but it felt heavenly in my hair and on my skin. Even though I shivered and had to concentrate on breathing, that bath was one of the best things that had happened to me in a long while.

I stared at myself in the mirror, taking in the curves that I did my best to hide, the defined muscles from hours of working out, the fading bruises from training. I sighed before reaching for my binder. What I wouldn’t give for a couple days to go without wearing the thing.

I changed back into my clothes, grimacing at the idea of putting dirty clothes on, before walking into the bedroom. I sat on the window seat, taking in the courtyard outside. The monks kept it tidy and welcoming.

I had to smile. Life wouldn’t be so bad here.

Feeling much better from that bath, I wandered around the temple for a while, enjoying the serenity as opposed to the constant business of the base. A couple of monks were meditating in the shade, and I gave them plenty of space. It was nice, not having to be doing something. To have the time to just sit and let your mind rest.

I copied them, holing up in an empty, dark corner. Settling against the tree, I closed my eyes and dozed off.

It was later than I liked it to be when I was roused from my nap.

“If you plan on spending the night, you should alert us.” Rowan stood over me, distaste written clear on his face.

I sat up and arched my back, my spine popping in several places. “Sorry, I didn’t mean to sleep for so long. What time is it?”

“After six.” He took a couple steps back as I scrambled to my feet.

“Shit, I was supposed to be back two hours ago.” I hastily slung my bag over my shoulder.

Rowan sneered at me. “You shouldn’t have fallen asleep. Doesn’t seem like you’re that good at your job. Can you even protect civilians, or do you run and hide and sleep instead, like a coward?”

His words, even though I tried to ignore them, made me more panicked and distressed. I was going to be in so much trouble—

Footsteps that were too heavy to be monks sounded behind us. I wanted to hide. They were here and I was going to be sent to the frontlines—

Familiar, bright blue eyes focused on me with worried intent. “You’re late, Grey. Captain had to send us out to make sure you weren’t captured by the terrorists.”

Relief made my shoulders sag. I rubbed my face before straightening. “I was taking notes and mistakenly fell asleep. I take full responsibility.”

Hayden was flanked by two other soldiers, both of whom had their guns in their hands. He studied me with narrowed eyes, then turned to Rowan who was watching this all with interest. “Do you need something?”

“No.” Rowan inclined his head.

“Then scram.” Hayden brushed him off, turning back to me.

Rowan looked pissed about being dismissed, but took one look at the three of them and left.

“Let’s go, Grey. I’m sure the commander will love to hear all about your nap.” Hayden said sharply.

I hoped his attitude was all for show, that he wasn’t actually this angry at me. His words stung, and the hard expression on his face betrayed no mercy.

I wouldn’t find comfort from him.

It felt like a bucket of ice water had been dumped on my head.

After being berated by the commander, I was given a rough sentence of hard training and had some privileges taken away. I could live without those things, though.

It was Hayden’s silence that hurt the most.

“Where are you going?” I asked, watching him stuff his things into his bag.

“I’ve been promoted. You would have been there, if you hadn’t fallen asleep.” He said flatly.

I bit my lip, suddenly remembering that he had, indeed said he was being promoted for his strategic abilities. He had been so excited about it. And I had been too caught up in my own struggles to care.

The guilt felt like a sickening blow to the gut. I’m sorry felt flimsy at best.

I picked at my clean fingernail, suddenly disgusted with myself. “So where will you be?”

“In the main headquarters, mostly. I doubt I’ll see much action.” Hayden stopped to look up at me, blue eyes flinty.

I held his gaze as best as I could, before breaking off as tears burned my eyes. I was determined not to cry, though. I felt bad enough; crying would just make me feel worse and probably make him hate me more.

“I’ve stuck up for you, I’ve defended you with every last breath, I’ve tried to be the reason you got out of bed in the morning. I asked you for one thing, and you were too selfish to give it. Don’t try to find me, Julian. I don’t want to know you anymore.” He slung his belongings over his shoulder and walked out.

The door hadn’t been shut for ten seconds before I completely broke down.

I didn’t care who saw me. I had screwed everything up with my best friend and lost the only thing I cared about in life. My pride had been so wrecked that my dignity was worthless to me.

Weeks passed. I threw myself into working out until my whole body ached, until bruises blossomed underneath other bruises, until I could barely climb back into my bunk. Every night I passed out from exhaustion.

I became angrier and temperamental. If someone spoke an unkind word about me I had no qualms about socking them in the nose. I blankly accepted scoldings and punishments from the higher ups, always pushing myself to do better and to care less. To care less about my body and my mental wellbeing. They didn’t matter; I was a soldier, and it was time to act like one.

It was like all my emotions and my mind had shut down after Hayden left, replaced with anger and a cold determination to claw my way out of this hellhole. I didn’t have anyone who cared about me or looked out for me, so I looked out for myself and threw myself into reckless situations.

The commanders ended up putting me on solo missions because nobody could stand having me in their group. I didn’t mind; I didn’t have to listen to them complain about me.

I was stationed back at that monastery, tasked with the same thing I had had to do all those weeks ago when I screwed up.

But this time, I decided, would be different. I wasn’t going to take anything for myself—not a bath, or a nap, or food. I didn’t need it. My spine was made of steel; frivolous things were unimportant to the merciless machine I aimed to be.

As I wrote down times, dates and other information, someone came up behind me.

“You’re still snooping.” Rowan hissed.

I didn’t say anything, just kept writing.

“You lose your hearing, Grey?”

Still nothing. I acted like he didn’t exist and glanced at my watch. It was 1300.

“Perfect. I guess I’ll continue to think that you’re too much of a coward to even talk to a monk.”

I clicked my pen closed and slipped it into my pocket. I tucked my clipboard under my arm, before turning on my back heel and nailing him in the gut.

Rowan doubled over, wheezing, bending down perfectly for my elbow to connect with his face. Something crunched on impact, and the man stumbled back with a cry.

“I won’t take your shit any longer. Don’t you fucking talk to me when I’m on duty, or I’ll rip off your dick.” I barked.

Blood dripped down his hands, his dark eyes wide in shock; his surprise quickly faded to awe, and he let out a pained, amused laugh. “Glad to see you have some spirit again. I was afraid a couple of insults had broken you.”

I glared at him. “Shut the—“

Rowan’s sharp gaze only made me more angry. “Stop, Julian. Keep your mouth clean in a temple of Yona.”

How dare he. How dare he tell me what to do, when he’s been bullying me and breaking me down since day one—!

I lashed out, the clipboard falling to the stone floor as I swung. In the end, I had a nasty cut on my face, his lip was bleeding, my knuckles were torn and bruised and we were both winded.

I somehow felt better. Less angry, more calm. Like beating the tar out of him had released some of my pent up rage. Even though I had taken some shots as well, it still felt therapeutic to vent my anger in the only way I knew how.

“What in the world has made you so angry?” He gently dabbed at his sliced lip.

I glared at him. “None of your business.”

“I mean, I didn’t say I didn’t mind it. It’s just a surprise from the last time you were here.”

Last time. When I screwed up beyond repair. I fought to keep my shoulders from slumping as Hayden’s cold gaze flashed in front of my eyes. The fight gone out of me, I made to pick up the clipboard. “You like getting your ass handed to you? Masochistic freak.”

Rowan had already scooped it up, though, and even though he wasn’t flipping through it, I still hated that he had it.

“Give me that, before I claw your eyes out.” I spat.

Holding it above my head, he studied me with a kind of gaze that I didn’t appreciate. Like he was assessing me, reading my scars and secrets written on my soul. It made me feel exposed, anxious, threatened.

“Now!” I barked, trying not to give away how unnerved I felt.

“Julian Grey. You’re nineteen and a long way from home. Your only friend has left you behind. How did you get into the military with being a woman?”

Icy shock, suffocating horror triggered a roaring in my ears. I could only stare at him, more frightened right then than I had been in my entire life. More frightened than the first time I had been dispatched. More than all my nightmares combined. How did he know? Was it that obvious?

“I was accepted, fair and square.” I managed to choke out, my hands trembling.

I tightened them into fists. I knew how to hit. I knew how to be angry and to fight. I didn’t know how to handle someone else knowing my secret.

I didn’t know how to deal with being this scared.

“You lied.”

“I did no such thing. The higher ups and the medical doctors know exactly what I am.”

“Why did they accept you?”

“They were desperate. I’m not the only one they’ve drafted.”

“Why haven’t you left?”

I had grown tired of his questions. I kicked his shin, and when he flinched, jumped and ripped the clipboard from his hands.

“If you tell anyone, I will execute you on the spot.”

Those damn dark eyes only studied me; a small smirk crossed his face. “You got it, Julie.”

I punched him in the stomach, but this time he was ready, tensing before I made contact.

“I hope you die in a fire.” I turned and walked off, worrying my lip in between my teeth.

“You too.” He called back.

I drew my jacket tighter around myself even though it wasn’t cold out and bid my feet to go faster. The walk to the base felt as if it would take forever; Rowan’s knowledge hung over me like a thick cloud of fog, confusing and disorienting me until all I wanted to do was crawl in a hole and sleep for a while. Or punch his lights out. That worked too.

“Give your report directly to the field sergeant.” Was the sharp order when I handed the clipboard to the reporting officer.

My jaw tightened. Swiping the report off the desk, I stalked towards the stairs. Taking them two at a time, I crossed to the other side of the building.

I passed by a couple of other soldiers, who all tensed when I walked by. They all had gotten socked at some point, and did their best to avoid me. That gave me a sense of satisfaction, and I lifted my head a little higher.

The whole division hates and fears you. Congrats, Grey, you’ve completely alienated yourself from everyone.

They deserve nothing less.

I dropped the report onto the desk with a clatter. Hayden didn’t look up from the pages he was flipping through. “Report.”

The blank tone sent a sharp jolt of pain through my heart. I thought I was used to the idea that he hated me. I thought I was tough enough to handle the thinly-veiled disgust and disapproval, the cold rage.

I wasn’t.

My tongue was in knots, my backbone of steel melting to putty. I couldn’t do it. I couldn’t be angry and harsh to him.

Memories of him smiling and laughing and calling me Jules with that teasing air resurfaced to the forefront of my mind, flashing in front of my eyes and threatening to bring tears.

Shit.

Hayden looked up at me, and that blank, unrecognizing stare made me mentally crumple to the ground.

He glanced at my nametag stitched into my uniform before barking at me. That small dip of his eyes, that faking that he didn’t know my name, made the lump in my throat grow wider.

Please, please, please. Don’t crumble now. I can’t, I won’t—!

“Something making you stupid, Grey?” He snapped. “You’re wasting my time.”

I’ve faced worse. I’ve shot people. I can stand up to one person out of hundreds who hates me. This is nothing.

It’s just Hayden.

“Read the damn report. Nothing has changed.” I hated that my voice struggled at first to get the words out.

I should have been happy at the surprise in his eyes at my equally as harsh tone. At how different I was around him.

But I couldn’t. All I could see was the man who had held me upright when I couldn’t physically do it myself. Who had comforted me when I had nightmares. Who had shared his blanket when I couldn’t stop shaking. Who I had trusted with my entire being.

That surprise quickly morphed into anger. His lip curled in disgust. “You’re the worst soldier I’ve ever met. You have zero respect for your commanding officers. It’s a miracle nobody’s shot you yet.”

“None of these people have earned my respect. You’re all such shitty people, you don’t deserve anything other than disrespect.” I turned on my heel and walked out.

I heard him leap to his feet, come after me, which only made me walk faster until I was sprinting down the hallways. I knew I was dead if he caught me. I didn’t put it past him to physically tear me apart.

My feet carried me up flights of stairs. I could hear him right behind me, breathing hard. Sitting at a desk all day had made him soft.

Not even winded, I turned to the metal railing on the catwalk and heaved myself over it. I fell a good eight feet to hardpacked dirt, rolling on my shoulder to help absorb some of the impact.

When I glanced over my shoulder, I saw he was still up there, staring at me with clear distaste. I calmly dusted myself off and walked away.

It had been another rough week when I was finally sent back to the monastery. I couldn’t understand why we kept such a close eye on them—they were monks. They didn’t do much but pray and meditate. I doubted the people higher up would ever tell me why I had to record the rotations in personnel. Best just to do what I was told.

Rowan greeted me, as snarky as ever. “And you call me��the masochistic freak. You keep coming back to the most boring place for a soldier.”

I greeted him back with silence as I wrote down the time and how many monks I saw congregated in the middle of the courtyard.

Rowan tucked his hands into his sleeves and studied me. “You got clobbered hard since the last time I saw you.”

I didn’t bother to look at him. “Don’t be stupid.”

“Oh? Then were you getting freaky with a captain? How else do you explain that bruise on your shoulder?”

I glanced at my shoulder, noting the way my short sleeved shirt didn’t hide the bruise. I shrugged up my jacket over my shoulders and went back to writing.

His eyes narrowed. “Who hit you?”

“None of your business.”

“Fair enough. When are you leaving?”

“The sooner you shut up the faster I can leave.” I snapped.

There was some bruising on and around his nose, a sign of how hard I had elbowed him. His nose was healing fine, though. Rowan fell silent, but I could tell he had a million questions. As soon as he opened his mouth, I punched him in the gut. He gasped, wincing.

“Stop that.” He complained. “I’m just a monk.”

I glared at him. “You’re the stupidest, most annoying person on the planet. Get lost.”

“And you’re the most aggressive, angry, bitter, abusive woman I’ve ever had the misfortune of meeting.” His lip curled. “You’re the walking embodiment of a turn off.”

“That’s mutual. You’re ugly and your personality is garbage.” I flipped to the next page and studied the empty chart I had to fill.

“Doesn’t it bother you that you’ll never have a lover?”

I glared at him, anger making me pull my gun out of it’s holster and aim it point blank at his face. “I’m in the military. I don’t want a lover. Doesn’t it bother you that you won’t ever have kids?”

“I don’t want tiny demons to look after.” He said firmly. “Get that out of my face.”

I clicked the safety off. Anger made my hand tremble; even though it had been a perfectly legitimate question, it had tapped into one of the things I didn’t like to think about: how messed up I would be after this. Mentally, physically, emotionally... I would have so much baggage that finding someone who would even think about loving me was out of the question.

I couldn’t even keep someone close enough to call them a friend.

So I hid my fear behind anger. That was the one emotion I could trust to always support me. I could always find it when I needed it.

Rowan grabbed the gun and fought it out of my hand. It went off, the bullet zooming off into the unknown.

And then we were fighting, grappling with clumsy hands and twisting bodies, with cries of pain and the sound of fists hitting flesh, until he had overpowered me with brute strength. Gasping, half sobbing from adrenaline, I struggled to get free from his iron grip. Either the monks were watching from a safe distance, or they knew not to even come close, as there wasn’t anyone around to watch us claw at each other.

“Yona, woman, you don’t know when to stop, do you?” To my pleasure, he sounded just as tired as I felt.

My hands were trapped to my chest, both of his arms wrapped around my own arm. One leg was in between mine, and my head could only hit his chest. I was powerless to get free, and he was safe.

“Let me go.” I squirmed.

“Not until you answer one question and follow one order.” He said firmly.

My jaw tightened. I didn’t like where this was going, but what choice did I have? I couldn’t physically move, and I had work to do.

Somehow, I doubted the commanders would send someone out to find me if I was late.

“Fine. One question and one order.” I said through gritted teeth.

“Who made you this angry?”

“You don’t know him.”

“That’s not a qualifying answer. Tell me.”

I kept my mouth shut. I wasn’t ready to tell him that. Rowan had some kind of otherworldly patience, because he only stood there and waited for me to say. I closed my eyes, trying not to breathe too deeply. Whatever soap or deodorant or something he had used made my head spin in a way that made my knees weak. I could feel him take slow breaths, feel him try to calm down his heart that still raced from the earlier exertion.

Stupid. This is the worst time ever to let your hormones play tricks with you.

“I don’t trust you enough to tell you that.” I said finally.

Although this wasn’t the answer he was hoping for, Rowan accepted it and moved on. “Take off your wrap.”

I froze, horrified by what he had just uttered. “No.”

I squeaked as he started walking backwards. “Let me go!”

“No.” He said mockingly, backing into a door.

It swung open, revealing it to be someone’s room. It was plain, simple, minimalist. A dresser with a mirror above it, a bed, a desk and chair. One dark rug to warm the floor. That was it.

Rowan closed the door and let me go. I stumbled free and immediately went for the window, but there was no way I could fit. It was too skinny.

“Why do you want to see me without my wrap? Pervert.” I accused, crossing my arms across my chest.

Rowan tucked his hands into his sleeves. “No. That is not my intention. Just do it.”

“Not with you watching.” I cried desperately, my brain scrambling to figure out how to get out of this.

He turned, his back to me, still blocking the door. “I won’t let you out until you do. From your wicked attitude and aggressive injuries, I doubt anyone will come looking for you if you’re late.”

Some kind of pained noise tore its way from my throat. He was right.

He was always right.

I exhaled, closing my eyes tightly. I didn’t want to. It didn’t feel right. I hadn’t taken off my bindings around anyone since the last physical exam six months ago. And that had been a doctor.

This was just an a barbaric monk.

Those are not two words I would have put next to each other. I thought dryly as I pulled away my jacket. My fingers hesitated on the edge of my dark shirt.

“Why are you making me do this? If you touch me I will scream.” I demanded.

“Despite what you might think of my personality, I do follow a code of conduct. I don’t attack first and I don’t rape women, Julian. Believe whatever you want, but do know that anything hurtful I have said or done was not to be cruel, but to test you as a soldier.” Rowan said seriously.

“So this is another test?” My shirt was halfway up my abdomen, exposing the edge of my bindings.

“Yes.”

“What are you trying to prove with these stupid tests?” Off came the shirt.

The air was cold, and I held back a shiver.

“That they aren’t ruining people in their divisions. That the soldiers they train still have compassion and morals and humanity, but are loyal and follow their duty.”

“So I’m failing.” I started to undo the wrap.

“Not necessarily. You’re the most interesting soldier I’ve met.”

I studied the back of his head as I shimmied back into my shirt and jacket. “This is all some kind of elaborate lie to kidnap me, isn’t it. You’re a freak who owns some kind of prostitution ring and you want to know what I look like so you could figure out how much money I would bring in.”

Rowan let out a choked, horrified noise. “Yona, Julian, absolutely not! I can’t...you think...”

“Whatever. It’s way easier to get myself free from a civilian than a ripped monk. Turn around.” I gripped the wrap tightly in one hand, unable to keep myself out of a defensive pose.

Rowan turned, but his eyes didn’t immediately scan my body. They focused on my face. It threw me off, and my mouth opened a little.

“You don’t have to wear that around here.” His eyes dropped to the wrap, and only then did he glance over my body.

But it wasn’t in a creepy way. There was no desire in his body language or in his words. He only glanced at me as if to remind himself that I was who he thought I was.

It somehow lifted a huge weight off my shoulders. He didn’t care.

Rowan. Didn’t. Care.

“Put it back on if you want. I don’t care. But you needn’t think you have to worry about people saying things, or trying to take advantage of you. Your uniform and the glare you wear is enough to warn and to turn people off.”

There were tears. On my cheeks, blurring my eyes, casting him in a dreamy landscape, smearing away reality. He stepped forward. I stepped back.

“Julian—“

“Don’t come any closer.” I rasped. “I’ll scratch your eyes out.”

He might have smiled. He might have glared. I couldn’t tell. He was too blurry to tell the difference.

“You’re crying.”

“No shit.”

“Do my words really have that much of an effect on you?”

“No.” I roughly wiped my eyes and gave myself a mental shake.

It was a lie. I knew that he knew it.

“I think they do. This isn’t the first time I’ve manipulated your feelings.”

“Now I know you would be the coward to run and hide. No need to waste brain space for someone who doesn’t deserve it.”

I gritted my teeth. “Turn around so I can put this back on and leave.”

Rowan studied me for a long moment, then turned. To my surprise, he opened the door. “Leave whenever.” He said quietly, then walked out.

I was left to chew over his words and study the space he had last occupied.

I still hated him. He was all sharp edges, prickly words, calculating gazes and manipulative intentions.

But, somehow, I knew that he cared. Even just a little. Even if his motives were wrong, that he just wanted me alive to prove his twisted ideas of the military.

At least someone wanted me around.

#wip #military au #writing exercises #writing #angst #drama #enemies to lovers #best friends to enemies #this is the wildest fic ive ever started wow what a trainwreck #tw: death #part 1 #my words

1 note · View note