#haaah. but anyways im not as depressed as yesterday. still kinda sorta tho lmao. just not as extreme thinking ig?
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#diary#personal#drugs tw#disordered eating#suicidal ideation#self harm#hahahaha. ive been reading a fun novel today and its making me think im a little more than just warped lmao#well. not just this really. sometimes i just sorta... have my vision messed with by the things i consume. i feel completely different#and not in a good way. tho its not bad either. im just more cold. more callous. less feeling. i dont mind much tbh#its not like im that good of a person to begin with. hahaha. either way im officially (unfortunately) 100% sober now! whoo!!!#ha. god i wanted to pop another so badly today. i was just enjoying reading too much to really bother tbh.#idk. i wouldve liked to but i have to work tomorrow... and i dont want to develop a habit of working while intoxicated. haaah. too bad.#i feel like im sorta standing on the precipice rn... like. if i go too far ill become addicted or destroy myself or something terrible#hm. but in order for me to care more id have to find something worth being clean for....#really the only thing i care about rn is my bunny. well. not really. but. i think id like to stay mostly sober for him at least.#i should always spend a certain amount of time with him. and me being high isnt something i want to use to squander my time away from him#hes really important to me tbh. i dont know how ill manage when he dies one day. haha. ive actually restructured my life around him a bit.#...me getting him while i was depressed surprisingly is doing something for me now. im glad hes my friend.#he really is the most imortant thing in the world to me. id be willing to change a lot of my bad behaviours for him ig.#haaah. but anyways im not as depressed as yesterday. still kinda sorta tho lmao. just not as extreme thinking ig?#thats the only difference between the intoxicated and sober me. im somehow generally more rational while sober.#though not by much lmao. oh also funnily enough i had a funny thought today.#i was reading something. i dont rememeber what exactly. but it mentioned food. and i actually said it out loud that-#i shouldnt eat so much. hahaha. what is that? what fucked up shit is that that i said? hahaha.#god im fucked up beyond recognition. hah. not that i care one way or another. my body my choice am i right hah.#idk. i was thinking to myself that while i didnt want to hurt myself its not so bad if i do.#so long as i dont seriously hurt myself on accident i dont care. idk. like i still only truely work a few days a week. so it doesnt matter#i dont mind doing my other private work while injured. its just the public i fear.#hah. i wonder what my psychologist will think when i see one. hahaha. id be put in a hospital really if they saw all this.#but idk. a lot of my emotions stem from other things. like getting burned out and tired or triggered or whatever.
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