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#getting triggered by rejection

furiousgoldfish · 6 months

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everyone: ask for help when you need it! don't try to get through everything on your own when it's too much!

me: asks for help, is immediately rejected and scorned for asking, feels worse

#hmm #drawing conclusions from this #also if i'm not rejected then i'm given horrifying advice or victim blamed #the world is shit if you have bad trauma not many people can relate to #cptsd #asking for help #getting triggered by rejection

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pia-writes-things · 2 months

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Just rewatched Nimona and I cried just as much the second time if not more 🥺🥺

#nimona #this movie is SO good #but also extremely triggering re: getting rejected by your chilhood best friend #and suicidal thoughts ofc #pia's oversharing

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high-voltage-rat · 1 year

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Vyvanse is such a silly little drug. I get up at 11, take it at noon, what's a normal sleep phase I don't know her.

The first hour passes and I'm like "dude nothings happening except me getting sweaty and my heart's going a bit faster" and then I blink and it's another 2 hours later and I've just blitzed doing every chore available to me, organized all my shit for the day, read through 500 tumblr posts, watched some random-ass YouTube clips, and made myself food I don't want to eat because my appetite is suppressed but I know food consumption is a task. It's like all of my ADHD bullshit for the entire day happens at light speed over a few hours.

Then I sit down and can do The Big Task of the day for 5 hours or more and, unlike with a hyperfocus, can remain focused on it even after taking breaks to go do other stuff.

Then the end of the day hits and I'm tired and need to go to sleep but I still feel the Productivity Need so for some reason I watch 50 more "Educational" YouTube videos until it subsides and then finally fall asleep at 2am.

Like. Does it cure my ADHD? Absolutely not. Does it make me less chaotic? No. But does it allow me to consistently channel my ADHD energy productively? Oh, yeah. I'm not 100% sure that's what my doctors were going for when they prescribed it, but I gotta be honest I kinda love it.

#not video games #late nights with ali #nd blogging #actuallyADHD #I'm pretty sure my docs were intending for a bit more... how you say... stability?#but a lot of my ADHD traits don't go away. just the most important one- activation-based executive dysfunction #And honestly without that I think I like the way I function with the rest? usually anyway #If I'm in control of it. I love my hyperfocus. I love my bouncing around chaotically. I love being impulsively spontaneous #don't get me wrong. there are days where I do hate my adhd. when the emotional regulation problems kick in it's hell.#rejection sensitive dysphoria is a bitch. I can forget self care in lieu of 'more important' things. my working memory can fuck me over.#but in comparison to how I lived before medication? it's amazing. and I've learned to be fond of aspects of my disorder #and to live with the ones that are inconvenient. it's so nice honestly #I could do without the sweating and appetite suppression. but it is SO worth it to like my own mind again.#before I was diagnosed I knew I had it. so my only options were self medicating with caffiene and developing an anxiety disorder.#the thing that bypasses the dopamine-based activation is adrenaline-based activation #so I literally just. got so anxious about stuff I needed to do that it would trigger the adrenaline activation where dopamine failed me #I don't think I actually 100% KNEW that's what I was doing per se. but I do think some of my anxiety came from intentional doom spiralling #anyway moral of the story. Vyvanse helps with ADHD is some truly strange ways but at the end of the day it's a fucking miracle #New River Pharmaceuticals developers of lisdexamfetamine I am kissing you on the mouth

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kicktwine · 1 year

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hi hello i was thinking abt it bc of ur posts on vani and ven recently. what are ur thoughts on what bits of feelings vanitas gets from ventus. i am. curious tm

hello. you are in so much luck because I’ve been thinking about them somehow even more bc I just received a zine and also get to see them soon again with my friend. Hi. Hello

i tend to think it works like a sieve. Vani’s heart isn’t healed over, so it thinks it should still be getting feelings from the other part of it, which it does if they’re strong enough. He can get REALLY specific with them too — Ven’s happy because Terra gave him a strawberry tart. Ven’s relieved because he had previously been nervous but Aqua told him a story so everything is fine. — but he only ever gets the good feelings consistently (because that’s what he’s missing), and only gets the bad feelings if they overflow. At which point it kind of becomes dangerous for the both of them because they can get caught in a feedback loop of negativity and push it way worse than it needs to/they originally wanted to be and overstimulate each other just on pure Feels Angry or Feels Bad. Because!! Also! Ven can feel what vanitas does Only if it overflows from his side, only if they’re close proximity, and only the really nasty feelings. Most of them slough off into unversed or chimera unversed so this rarely ever happens, and it only becomes a problem when they’re too close and too busy and too upset. Like their boss fight. u could probably feel the nasty energy radiating off them

anyways I was getting off track vani can feel positive emotions from ven a lot and he can only really understand them when they’re happening and he ceases to really get it once they leave. His negativity reacts to ven’s positivity like fire and wood. It’s like depression+sisyphus’ eldritch madness. yaaaaay. Like this

Vanitas genuinely hates him. For a lot of reasons not the least of which is it hurts him to keep being taunted and never given the reward. but in those moments of feeling happiness maybe he can pretend the feelings are his and cherish them for a moment…

#ven is burning him. he hates it #he’s got four years of bitterness pent up and released into monsters #his heart WANTS those feelings but it can’t hold on to them #likewise ven’s healing heart had a really hard time holding on to negativity. It makes him sweet but too passive #habits stick even if he isn’t instinctively driven to be detached and obedient anymore #LIKEWISE LIKEWISE!!! Vani should be allowed a full heart even if it’s pretty dark in there #because even a fully dark heart can experience the full range of emotions. They do get twisted but #anyways. Is late #ask #anon #oogh it’s really late. I’m scheduling this #kh #if they end up in a feedback loop and don’t consciously calm down it triggers rejection responses in both of em #meaning vani gets sick until he can get rid of all this excess unversed ingredience and ven gets panic attack/meltdown symptoms #they just freeze like oop. too far. BUT THEY’RE PROBABLY STILL ANGRY AT EACH OTHER SO THEY’RE STUPID AND SNAPPY #ven has to ride the feeling out entirely and vani tends to get rid of the whole thing thru 20 unversed so he feels Nothing for a bit

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furiousgoldfish · 10 months

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one functional braincell: If you never ever say what you want, you're extremely unlikely to get it. If you say something at least you have a chance.

me: but... if I got rejected tho? Then people would Know what I want And be able to withhold it from me on purpose.

braincell: That was just your parents. Most people are not lunatics.

me: but I will get triggered and feel threatened and humiliated.

braincell: if you get rejected, yes. You have to make a choice every time, if the risk is worth it, and how big of a risk is it.

me: got it.

me to myself later: that was insane I'm never saying anything to anyone. the shame alone would kill me.

#i can't tell if this is conversation between alters or braincells #trust issues #trauma symptoms #aftermath of abuse #getting triggered at rejection

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slocumjoe · 11 months

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hey uhhh i went thru ur oc post history and u said gus set himself on fire?? pls context

I love this character because whenever someone asks about him I always have to take a deep breath and get comfortable and suck a breath in through my teeth. I treat him so poorly

More Gus lore, because that specific event is actually tied to the very first event that would fuck him up forever, so I can't really talk about it without going in depth.

This is explaining the core tenent of Augustijn's story, which is guilt and its dangers. Basically, where that constant guilt came from, and how it...turned out for him...

It turns out okay. Just...takes 200+ years, an apocalypse, a divorce, and his son dying! 🥳Yay🥳

Tw; Religious trauma, child abuse, suicide, drug use, cannibalism, mental illnesses, and yet another suicide attempt.

So, some background, Gus's mom, Emma, was a fanatic catholic and generally Bat Shit about religion. As you might imagine, this is the Direct Source of both Gus' questionable worldviews, traumas, and his biological inclination to uuuhhh bad Head Times.

Emma was raised mildly religious, but she...took to it too hard? Her family was not the cause of her obsession, Gus's grandparents and uncles/aunts over there actually cut her off at one point, because she was starting to worry them but reaching out led to her lashing out. So, they just...backed off. Emma herself was a simple, homebody woman, who wanted to be at home raising her kids, and tending her garden. She would have been this way even without the religious thing.

But Emma and her side of the family were prone to addiction, see? And religion became her point of fixation and obsession. This could have still been okay, if not for the church she went into. A catholic church in the Hague that was known by all for being kind of fucking out there, even by other hardcore Catholics. This was one she went into, and even her grandchild 240+ years later would feel the ripple of this decision.

Emma goes into church and gets gnarly ideas about how life works. Its a woman's duty to have kids and raise them, to be good to her husband and her house, to listen and obey her men. Sin is inevitable and everyone does it, only those that admit and accept punishment can get another chance at Paradise. God knows every action you take and he does not care for the context, he only cares about the action. There is no "well, but" under the Lord.

Emma has mental illness, some kind of depression and anxiety, so this Big Brother Watching And Judging fucked her up. Especially since her church, in particular, was physically abusive if you did not confess to anything during confession. They thought if you had nothing to confess, you were lying.

At this point, she's met and engaged to Theodore Reinier, a rich heir to a European manufacturing company. He's pretty, a gentleman, and best of all, rich, so she can have as big and luxurious a garden as she wants. She likes him. She does not love him. She's in her twenties and unmarried with no kids, and her poor family needs to be taken care of. So she marries him. Theodore is smart enough to see this for what it is, and kind enough to allow it. He lets his wife do her own thing and treats her as a friend, rather than a lover. She hates this, she wants to be a wife (she doesnt). She wants kids, he gives her one. Augustijn. This birth goes rough, and she's told no more children.

Theodore makes one rule; August goes to a different church, or he does not go at all. Theo really didn't like Emma's church and he certainly wasn't exposing his kid to that shit.

Emma pretends to agree and takes Gus to That Church. Theo doesn't attend, so he doesn't know this is happening until much later. Gus gets all the same nasty shit Emma does. Theo learns of this when he sees Gus covered in bruises from confession beatings. This puts a huge rift between him and Emma, and he pulls all the strings he can to have her church shut down.

Emma grows to resent and hate Theo and Augustijn for not being the perfect husband and child she deserves as a good, God fearing house wife. Augustijn is left to his nannies, Emma hides away in her private garden, fuming. Theodore tries to bond with his son, but Emma's poisoned that well.

Emma tells Augustijn about demons, to fear them. She specifically tells him about church grims, demons that hunt around churches in the form of a dog to drag sinners to hell. She says this as she's admiring her new obsidian dog statues for her garden.

Eventually, Emma goes yellow wallpaper and loses her mind, and is sent to therapy and put on medications. Augustijn loathes his father for his mother's state. Theodore just wants his friend and son okay. But Emma, as she's out in town, coming back from therapy, she stops at a friend's house while the friend isn't there, and hooks up with the woman's husband. Friend's husband was stern, strict with his wife, God fearing, and generally an obnoxious 50s ideal shithead husband. Everything Emma wanted. This wasn't out of nowhere, it was brewing in the background. She knew both of them from her old church.

Emma goes home, and finally having a reason for the guilt that's always plagued her, elects to acknowledge her sin. She drowns herself in the pond of her garden, stared down by three dark, ruby-eyed dogs, overseeing her passage into the afterlife. Her young son comes into the garden to meet his mother, after she's been gone all day, only to find her in a red pool. He looks up into the eyes of the dogs. He remembers nothing of this incident, blocking it out and having been too young to understand.

Years pass, and Augustijn turns to drugs as well, though his come from the darkest parts of the Hague, rather than a doctor. He turns to sex, to crime, to anything he thinks will either corrupt him so much he doesn't care, or will finally make his guilt feel justified. He wears his mother's cross necklace through it all, and sees her beloved dog with every sin.

Augustijn goes to America for college, to Harvard, studying to become a pastor himself. (This is maybe the most terrifying part of him, the fact that he almost got it). But he doesn't feel satisfied with it, has a moment of clarity and realizes he isn't fit to preach anything. The grim certainly doesn't think so. He instead follows his only friend, Isadora, into the military. The US government allowing their soldiers to do chems means his failed drug tests don't matter.

Augustijn becomes a sniper. He has always hurt people, excelled in it, but taking life frightens him, because he knows he has no right to decide who lives or dies, not like this. But he's in China, and he's told to kill. He does, and he's very good at it. His teammates marvel at just how scrappy and determined he is, like a weed, a mold.

The Biandukou Pass Incident occurs. He eats his entire team, trapped in a Chinese mountain range during a blizzard.

Delirious from almost two months of surviving on nothing but psycho and human flesh, Augustijn is let loose back into Boston, honorably discharged. His lingering hallucinations from his Daytripper addiction, mixed with psycho withdrawal, trauma, guilt, shame, the fear of God—everything culminates. He looks up and sees the figure that has haunted him since that one, awful day; the church grim, staring expectantly.

His mother drowned herself, so he thought it fitting if he set himself ablaze.

#ss; alter #I hate to put a word to his specific illness because you always get people like 'this isnt what i think this is like so pls die'#but i imagine he'd be diagnosed with hppd #hallucinogen persisting perception disorder. basically lingering effects of hallucinogenics after use #the point of emma is that she did not ever see past the shit #Augustijn gradually learns how to reject his guilt and view himself objectively #and comes to see how he was hurt and how he hurt others. and accepts that he has a right to feel hurt but an obligation to be better #emma doesnt. she never would have even if she survived her attempt #its like. you only feel guilt because its a concept put into you #and emma taught him guilt. always feel dirty and shameful.#but. she didnt feel guilty. not really. she was confident in all of her actions and never once hesistated #she thought it was guilt just because she knew how it would look to other people. thats not guilt thats awareness.#she wasnt guilty she feared repercussions.#meanwhile her son grew up always ashamed and horrified at himself and was desperate for any kind of comeuppance #not to make it okay because he knew it wouldn't. but because he deserved it #accountability and justice are also big concepts in gus' character. the idea that someone becoming better and earnestly doing it #is better and more worthwhile than them suffering for their actions. this comes up with the Institute and Isadora #anyway if any of you come at me bitching about portaying a woman as abusive im biting #'joe no one does fhat' they literally do. its happened to me before. yall say you support womens wrongs until theyre abusive moms #anyway. fun fact; being beaten during confessions is why gus cant admit when hes done wrong for like 30 years. its a trauma/trigger #gus really is just. 'how do i process what happened to me without losing my mind'#and he lost his mind. but he does everything he can to find it again. because he doesnt want to feel this way anymore

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landlordevil · 5 months

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It's also so funny bc gale and astarion were the companions I least wanted to romance (no hate for them, I just really wanted Eins to be with Wyll or Karlach) and then they rejected eins and so did shart and then I missed the window to ask Lae why she's been looking at eins differently and it was like Ah. Ok. Sometimes fate is a trickster

#some may remember the nightly posts going #'how did they all reject me their approvals are all 50 and above how is this possible'#'wait asty said he'd smash and he's at 20 approval why did this happen also'#in retrospect i must have missed flags or something. or thought it was rejection when it was really a neutral path #but then NO other scenes for ANY OTHER COMPANION got triggered.#just excruciating.#and it hasn't happened since! like lovage had scenes trigger and so has damask. so like. eins. come on man. get better charisma i guess

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