#get me a friend or a smoke or a suicide pill
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#get me a friend or a smoke or a suicide pill#misc#tackyart#i love 'tacky art' bc it sounds like my art is tacky#is it? maybe idk
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SMOKED CIGARETTES AND EMPTY BEER BOTTLES. GETO SUGURU
げとうすぐる. Please don't try to kiss me on the sidewalk, On your cigarette break. I can't afford to love someone, not the way we loved each other.
warnings. heavy angst. no happy ending. hurt NO comfort at all. major character death. suicide mentions. depression and anxiety. mentions of smoking and drinking. toxic situationship. right person not enough time trope. canon complient? haibara lives tho so 🤷♀️. slight mention of suguru x oc (nakamura kyouko) but it's not mentioned or deep enough. sugu n reader r NAWT okay. not proofread, but when has my shit never not been proofread? grammar mistakes. inspired by xanny by billie eilish.
masterlist. next
A six pack box of beer, (the sweet ones, you never like the bitter taste of beer.) the sunset looking as beautiful as ever, and you sitting on the rooftop, a cigarette you stole from shoko in your hand (You didn't smoke. You used it as to have something your hands could play with). Life as a traumatized jujutsu student couldn't get better than this. Hell, you wished you could've gone back to the time before your fight with him. You knew you couldn't stop him, you knew you both weren't good for each other, but that's what made it work for you and Suguru. At least you thought it did.
Leading to the weeks before the fight, was the death of Riko. You knew she was somewhat close to Suguru, like a little sister. He told you about her, it was sweet that he had a sister like figure. Then after her death was the almost death of Haibara. You knew something was up that day, so you headed to where Yu was clearing a mission and saved his life, the only consequence was the fact that you were hurt more than him. He got upset, you understood him. But at the same time you didn't.
You understood that he liked to smoke, and you didn't. You understood that you liked drinking more than smoking, and he didn't. Complete opposites, yet fit each other so well.
Your mother told you it was best for you to get a therapist (one that knows about jujutsu.) so that they could help you. (it worked for a bit, but can you fix what was already broken?) Later, you got diagnosed with Anxiety, they told you to take medication for it, you did. (You never liked taking pills. After the incident with an old friend you couldn't handle them.) All of this was never told to Suguru. Not like he would care, right?
Why would you tell him? it's not like the two of you were dating, if anything, he was more interested in her. (You wouldn't blame him, Nakamura Kyouko was a beauty.) Why would it bother him that you don't tell him anything? Why does he get jealous when other guys flirt with you? why does he act like your boyfriend when he isn't? You don't understand Geto Suguru.
He has her. But why does he always keep coming back to you?
Then there was the fight, the one between you and him. The one where he couldn't hold back and tell you everything he thought of you. You weren't even sure what started the the fight, but you were sure that you lost the moment he brought up how useless you were, he was comparing you to how she could do better then you. (Why did Suguru bring her up? Kyouko made sure that she didn't have a thing with Suguru, that instead she wasn't ready for a relationship at all. You couldn't blame her. not when he was right.)
"Do you understand what I'm saying? you're weak, [name]. You always have been! Why can't you get that through your thick skull?! You put others before yourself. You don't even have a grade level! You're useless in the jujutsu world. What more do you want to know?! Huh?" you see even sure if he was yelling or not, to inside your mind to figure it out.
"There's a reason as to why, Geto. There's a god damn reason as to why I don't have a grade level as a jujutsu sorcerer. You wanna know why Suguru? Huh?! You wanna know why the ever loving fuck I don't have a grade level like the rest of you all?! Because as of the time I'm living and willy be living, I am considered a threat to the jujutsu world. My technique hasn't been used since eons! No one is sure when my technique is ready, no one knows when I'll lose control and kill everything single fucking living think I come across of. Get through your thick fucking skull Geto." tears starting coming out of you, harsh. You didn't want to cry infront of him. Because if you did, the he would've known that he won the argument. So you did what you've done best.
You left.
Now that you think about it, you missed it when it was just you and him, with no care in the world, where you were still in a complicated relationship with him. Where the only argument you had with him that was serious was when he kissed you with him smelling like cigarettes.
"C'mon Sugu, don't kiss me on the side walk! Everyone's gonna see and it's crowded here!" you would pout at him, which made him weak in the knees
"[nickname], it's my only break I have where—" "Where you can smoke, yadayada, just... don't smoke and then kiss me?" you ask, lips kissing his nose.
"Of course," he smiled at you, you smiled back.
You missed those days.
Now that you were out of your head, the alcohol making you dizzy, and looking at the sunset, you realized that you weren't cut out to be part of this hell. After leaving the fight with Suguru, you avoided him and then avoiding going to school altogether, you started going to therapy more often (it helped i little, then it didn't, you were later diagnosed with depression. Yay.) then dropping out of therapy after.
You knew that, what you were doing was the better option for everyone and yourself. You wrote letters to everyone in jujutsu high (including the higher ups, but you just cursed them out and told them that in the next life you would kill them with your own hands.) and You left your dorm at night, opting to to stay at an inn under a different name. You wrote two letters to Suguru that night. Only heading back to the school dorms to leave them on his door.
Now standing up in the rooftop, you decided to turn around, not facing the sunset, not looking down at how high the building you broke into was, instead, you closed your eyes and fell backwards.
With not one care in the world.
(NOTICE FROM THE JUJUTSU HEADQUARTERS; [lastname] [firstname], the unregistered grade sorcerer is no longer a threat. please get rid of any file related to her.)
NOTES ; half of my blog is literally angst related. i can NEVER write happy and fluffy things, except for saiki..... i love writing angst like alot idk i think while listening to music and then boom angst idea! anyways, please tell me if you enjoy this price i wrote this one lil an hour, also send reqs in my ask box!! i'm bored!!!
#🌙 — val writes#jujutsu kaisen#jjk#jjk x reader#jujutsu kaisen x reader#geto suguru#jjk geto#jjk suguru#geto x reader#getou suguru x reader#suguru x reader#geto angst#jjk angst
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another chance.
just some ficlet/hcs about an idea i had, super unedited and a mess. I wrote it at midnight :3 anyways let me know if u want more.
warnings: murder, drugs; specifically cocaine, suicide,
The smell of nicotine swirls in your lungs, the pink smoke dances across your lips. The clothes cling to your sweaty skin as you stare up at Valentino, heart pounding. “Do this and I promise to let you sleep, Princessa~” he coos sweetly, his second pair of hands holds you close as the other hold your face tightly.
“Yes Val..” You murmur, sleep… sleep sounded so good. He twirls you around to face the stage, how did you end up here again? Your droopy eyelids get heavier as you stare at the stage from the sidelines, Vaenltinos yells but its all drowned out. Just one show, you tell yourself, one show then a week of sleep. A sugary drink is brought to your lips and you grimace,
“Drink up~” Val whispers in your ear, tipping your head back as he forces the disgusting liquid down your throat. “One show is all i need from you, shake that sexy body and show Velvettes amaazinng outfit and then you’re done.” You take a deep breath as the music begins, you can hear the crowd roar with excitement.
“Yes val.”
Valentino had taken you in soon after your death and fall into the Sloth Ring, You were a performer in life, a popular singer across multiple countries. Your provocative style and voice had made you an icon, many credited your fame to your producer.
Little did they all know was your producer was a creep, a terrible person, just all of the negative adjectives. The only thing he could truly be credited for was your crippling depression and even worse addiction, you were under his thumb 24/7
He was the reason why you’re in hell.
One day, while coming down from a high, something snapped in you- When he had turned around as he talked about a new show in Japan, you grabbed your grammy award statue. Swinging up and as he turned around, you hit him. And you did it again, over and over again. Screaming with frustration as you bludgeoned him to death, beating his skull in. Blood and brain matter splattered across your arms and face.
He was unrecognizable, nothing was left above his shoulders- for the first time in years, you felt relief.. Freedom even, before the reality of what you did hit you. Bile climbs up your throat as you look down in horror, you step back up.
You killed him. You were a monster.
Your pristine white carpet was matted with blood, you trip over your coffee table, screaming in horror. You couldn’t escape what you’ve done, you can’t go to prison, what about your family? Friends? Your fans?!
Breaking down as you gaze at his lifeless body, what were you going to do!
A horrid thought fills your brain but.. It was the only way to atone for your crimes, suddenly your tears stop and everything goes numb. Everything that you start to do feels like nothing, one moment you’re in your living room and the next in your bathroom tub, bleeding out from your wrists and empty pill bottles strewn across the marble floor.
You deserved this.
And thats how you came to hell. YOu had killed your producer and then yourself; Landing in the ring of Sloth. Your first night was rough but someone had recognize you from their time alive, inviting you to their club, where you met Valentino and just like everyone else he employed, you fell for his charms.
Instead of being a stripper/porn star/prositute, He used your voice. You were his best advertisement right next to Angel Dust, the perfect thing to promote all of the V’s.
Velvettes fashion, Valentinos music, and Vox’s newest technology.
For a long time, you let them move you around like a puppet, not fighting back. They let you sleep, cause when they did? They could do anything with you when you were awake. It was an easy exchange, let you sleep and they get to use you as their personal advertisement.
Your popularity boomed, performing in Asmodeus’s Lounge, in Velvettes fashion events, you filled out stadiums and more. People wanted you. They wanted to be you but you could care less, yes; when you were alive you would eat all of this attention up but now? All you wanted was sleep.
Angel Dust had known of you, and you know of him. Few times you cross paths, you thought nothing of him; no literally nothing. Often when you did cross paths, you were too exhausted for anything. And him? He saw you once, sleeping under Valentinos wing, and for some reason, he was filled with jealousy and disgust, disgust that he was jealous.
But when he moved out of the studio, you took the brunt of Valentinos abuse, the number of concerts boomed, the drugging intensified and so much more. You often cried for sleep, sobbing for the comfort of your bed. Breaking down after performances, clawing at Valentinos legs.
You were going on a week of no sleep, being forced to be on the move constantly. One day, when no ones eyes were on you (which was rare) you had stumbled out of the Vee’s building, stumbling across the broken sidewalk. You couldn’t tell if you were dreaming but you kept on going until you tripped over a body and passed out.
Hours passed. Days passed.
You finally wake up, in a warm bed but.. Not your bed. You look around, blinking one eye at a time as you try to lif your heavy body. You didn’t recognize this room, “mmmnhgg… Hello?” you groan out, and something at the end of your bed makes a noise. You look over and see a black and white cat, with one eye. You gasp gently, “kitttyy..” you whisper, reaching over and offering your hand to the feline.
“KeeKee!! There you are- oh! You’re awake!” a feminine voice squeals, and you look up. She looked vaguely familiar, ah. You knew her from the news, talking about her Happy Hotel.
“Areeenn’t you the lady who sung on the news and then fought Katie Killjoy?” you ponder, raising an eyebrow, she freezes before letting out an awkward chuckle, she rubs the back fo her neck. You give her a dead eye look, “that was fun” you monotone.
“Ah.. yes.. But!~ my name is Charlie Morningstar!!” she exclaims, quickly pushing away her embarrassment, she extends her hand and you gladly accept it, shaking it with a small smile. You offer her your name in return, “I found you on the street passed out, so i took you to my hotel, you were asleep for a loooooong time! I was getting worried!” now it was your time to be embarrassed.
“Ah… my apologies. I haven’t slept in awhile.. But.. thank you for taking me somewhere safe.”
Charlie is extremely happy that your awake, obviously you needed to sleep somewhere safe and ya know- not on the sidewalk!! Plus, she recognized you from your music!! She’s a liiiitttle bit of a fan-
She excitedly tells you all about the story of her finding you, and you take her. She practically swoops you up and shows you around the hotel, and it does look quite well. Throughout, your phone is buzzing angrily on the nightstand of the room you occupied.
“This place is amazing..” you whisper, she told you about her dream and her ambitions about redeeming sinners. Perhaps.. You could be redeemed. “Are.. are you looking for demons to redeem still?”
“Yes!! We’re always taking in sinners 24/7! ..” she then gasps, eyes sparkling, realizing why you must’ve asked!!! “Do.. Do you want to try?!” she squeals loudly, clapping her hands. The hotel is.. A bit decrepit.. Cobwebs here n there but if redemption was something that could happen..
Well..? will you give it a try?
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Simon Henriksson
headcanons!
I know there might be not much cry of fear enjoyers, but here it is! simon headcanons! ( sick simon )
TW: angst, suicidal tendencies,self harm
sexual topics
Simon is a smoker, obviously, but he’s also picky when it comes to cigarettes. His beloved ones are red or blue Winstons or Malboro gold. He rarely smokes anything else (except when he’s really desperate)
His sleep schedule is fucked up, and i really mean it. Dude can go 3 days without sleeping, and then sleep for 15 hours straight.
The meds. He was supposed to take meds at first, but his mother was not really a fan of that idea. She was convinced that the therapist wanted to drug Simon with pills.
Simon was home schooled through the primary school, and first years of high school. From the lack of communication and social life, between him and other kids, he couldn’t really catch up with other people at school. He was also bullied because of being the “weird kid”
He was also the smartest guy in the school, always having the best grades and all that.
Thats how he met Sophie, firstly helping her with schoolwork, and later listening to her problems. He couldn’t really do much about her personal issues, but he tried his best to be there for her.
Never had a real friend who would listen to him, help him with his problems, and just be there for him. So whenever theres a person who’s nice to him, he becomes obsessed with them (or the other way around, cuts off the contact and dissociates himself from anyone)
Simon wasn’t exactly an extrovert too, he would avoid social interactions and spending time with others, just because he felt like its “right thing to do” and "he doesn’t belong with people"
His depression problems started when he was 10 years old, at first struggling with daily basis of his life, and then ending with caging himself in his own room .
He’s dyslexic. Do not change my mind.
Simon tried to find some kind of coping mechanism for himself, so he would feel a little bit better with spending time alone. Unfortunately the coping mechanism he choose was self harm.
His bestie (who later abandoned him) obviously found out about his self harm problem, she tried to help him somehow, talking with him about this, but it didn’t work.
When Sophie rejected him, he tried to overdose with his mothers antibiotics, or anything he would find in the house. He really loved Sophie.
Whenever Simon was in class (before he locked himself in a room again) he would try to plan his suicide, how would it look like, what would he use to take his life, etc.
Every time he tried to masturbate, he would cry in the middle of doing that… or after.
After the car accident, he wasn’t fully paralysed, he could feel his legs from time to time. If he ever had the opportunity to rehabilitate, and try to recover, he would definitely try to walk again. But he just… couldn’t show himself to the other people. Embarrassment took over him.
He’s really scared of getting actual help, so going to the doctor was almost impossible for him to do. He did it for his mother, that he loved very much.
Speaking of his mother, she was a good person, its just that, she sometimes couldn’t handle her emotions in a right way. She would take out all the bundled up emotions, such as anger, fear, sadness, on her son. Simon didn’t really mind, he knew that she had really tough times throughout her life. He was convinced that he deserved every abuse he got, justifying his mother.
His dad left when he was 10, then his depression started. (what a coincidence!)
He’s an incel. sorry.
Thank yall for reading! it feels so good to be back on tumblr! :D let me know in the comments if you want more cry of fear headcanons!
#cry of fear simon#cry of fear#cryoffear#simon henriksson#sick simon cof#cof simon#cry of fear headcanons#god hes so depressed#he needs a hug asap#sophie cry of fear
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Smother
Part Two | Part Three |TW: mentions of self harm and suicidal thoughts, verbal abuse, NSFW themes, depression and isolation.
The sound of the front door lock clicking makes you scramble into bed. Pulling the covers up to your ears, you pretend to be asleep. Heavy footsteps can be heard throughout the empty house you share a home with Bakugou. You count his steps from the front door, up the stairs and into the bedroom. Closing your eyes, you hear him come to your side of the bed, and stops.
A handful of heartbeats passes before he moves on, the click of the attached bathroom door soon after. You sit up when you hear the shower turn on, the smell of smoke lingering where your boyfriend stood near you. Anxiety riddles your stomach with aches, and you have the overwhelming thought that Katsuki is mad at you.
He probably got a concerning call from friends that you didn’t show up to their weekly game night, again. You promised him you’d try this week, to get out of bed and just attempt to go through the motions of a normal life. Yet, the idea of being around people and needing to smile and pretend that you’re okay was draining. So, you stayed inside all day, again, and watched as the hours blurred together and you couldn’t help the bad thoughts riddle you with the feeling that you’re wasting so much time and taking up space that made you want to do something to stop feeling so blue. Something horrible.
Katsuki is at a lost with you and your issues. He picked up early in the relationship that you were emotional and prone to having bad days, but this was ridiculous. A whole month, and you couldn’t get out of bed, you couldn’t socialize, you barely remembered to shower or make an effort to actually be his girlfriend. You just laid there on the bed, rotting.
The hero let the stinging hot water spray over his body, the pain of a hard day of heroes work finally catching up with him. Bakugou pushed back his wet hair from his forehead, sighing. He was stressed, about work and you. Truthfully, he didn’t know what to do anymore. He was high strung, and wasn’t even thinking when he grabbed his hard cock and began jerking off. It’d been weeks since he’d have sex, you wouldn’t even look at him, much less touch him. It didn’t take him long to finish, groaning lowly. He felt pathetic, he was a successful young man with a promising future ahead of him yet he limited himself to stress induced wanking, when he could have any bitch he wanted. Katsuki chose you, because he fell in love with you. What changed? He doesn’t remember anything happening a month prior that would induce a comatose-like state. You tried explaining it to him yesterday, how you just woke up and couldn’t picture your future anymore and just felt a heavy weight on your chest that wouldn’t ease up. You tried apologizing about the tears that seemed to never stop, about being distant and not attentive to him.
“I’m just going through a rough time,” you cried when he confronted you about your mental state.
“What is so wrong with your life?” Katsuki was shaking, scared shitless because he’s never seen you breakdown like this before.
You’re taken back by his question. “What?”
He’s shaking, he’s so angry. “I don’t fucking get you. I provide for you, I work so fucking hard to make sure you have everything and you’re-you’re an ungrateful bitch!”
You sob, taking in his brutal words even though your heart is shattering.
“I take you to see a shrink, I help you remember take those pills that are suppose to cheer you up. I let you cry on shoulder, again and again. What more can I do?” He’s screaming at this point, his loudness making you fold into yourself for shelter. His palms are slick with sweat and you worry his quirk will go off.
“You’re fucking smothering me, with all your mood swings and your fucking crying.” Bakugou knew he needed to stop, he should’ve, but he just couldn’t.
“I go out there all day and be a hero!” He pulls at his hair. “I hate coming home to your bullshit after a long day.”
His words echoed throughout your head after your fight, Bakugou crashing on the couch as his self-punshiment. He could hear you cry all night, and the young man did feel bad but he just didn’t know what to do anymore. You begged him not to get other people involved, to not worry them with issues that didn’t concern them. Katsuki agreed, because he didn’t want people to see you that weak when he knew you were strong. Yet, that made him the sole support system for you, and Katsuki was running out of patience.
The following morning, he was careful when he bid you goodbye for the day. His calloused hand traced your cheek, guilt crashing into him at how red they were from your crying.
“Mina and Kirishima want you at their house for game night, will you try to go? For me?” He asked in a whisper.
Sniffling, you nodded but deep down you both knew you wouldn’t go.
The water turns cold when he shuts it off. You lay down, under the covers again when he steps back into the bedroom. The bed groans at the added weight, blankets shifting as Bakugou joins you in bed. You feel his body heat, so close but he doesn’t move to embrace you like he always did.
“I love you Katsuki.” You try to mend his temper, his disappointment in you. He once told you that he’d always love you, though thick and thin. You pray he was telling you the truth.
Katsuki stares up at the ceiling, the reflection of passing car lights bouncing across the wall.
I love you too, he thinks but can’t find the strength to say out loud.
You turn away from him, rejection stinging as you silently cry because your inner thoughts were correct, he can’t stand you anymore.
Bakugou doesn’t cuddle with you, doesn’t pull your shaking body towards his for comfort. He’s tired. He’s drained. He turns away from you, yanking the blanket to cover his broad shoulder, grinding his teeth as the sound of you crying puts him to sleep.
The light from the bathroom is what wakes him up, annoyance blossoming quickly as Katsuki sits up in bed.
“(Y/N),” He calls out, rubbing his eyes. The alarm clock next to the bed reads it’s a quarter past 3 in the morning. Groaning, Katsuki gets up to turn off the light.
“(Y/N), I have to get sleep for work, I go in at six remember?” He stops in the doorway, noticing you laying by the tub. Katsuki takes in his pale you look, and notice how the the bathmat is stained red. His eyes follow the trail and his stomach drops when he sees the razor beside you and the long self-inflicted cuts across your wrists. The same wrists he loved to kiss when you’d caress his face.
His hero training kicks in, and Bakugou gathers you in his arms. Shaking, he checks to see that you still have a weak pulse but the long cuts on your arms were still gushing. He’s surprised how warm your blood feels as he presses his hands against your injuries.
Bakugou is crying, yelling out your name in disbelief.
“Stay with me, baby please stay with me,” he sobs as he tries to stop the bleeding.
“I’m sorry, (Y/N) I’m so fucking sorry.” He feels like a hopeless child as he dials 911, screaming for help as he holds your limp body tight against his chest.
“I love you,” He chants, kissing your forehead and wetting you with his tears.
“Please don’t leave, I’m so fucking sorry.” Guilt is a son of a bitch, and it’s eating Katsuki alive as EMS rushes in and takes you away. He rides in the ambulance, holding your hand as he prays that you make it through the night.
Blinded by his fear, Bakugou didn’t read the simple note you wrote for him.
I’m sorry I smothered you
#bakugou x reader#bnha bakugo katsuki#katsuki bakugo x reader#katsuki bakugo x y/n#katsuki x reader#mha bakugou#mha angst#bakugou x reader angst
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Mixed Drinks and Smoke Rings 15: You Got A Friend In Me.
Chapter Fifteen: You Got A Friend In Me
We are the reckless,
We are the wild youth,
Chasing visions of our futures,
One day, we’ll reveal the truth,
That one will die before he gets there.
Summary: New to town, you didn’t need a friend, you needed a dealer. Thankfully, a girl from your Narcotics Anonymous meetings knew just the guy.
Characters: Fezco (euphoria) x Non-descriptive Reader
Words: 4,017
Chapter Warnings: Drug use, abusive relationships, mentions of attempted suicide, mentions of mental illness, crude terms in regards to mental illness, gross exes, jealous bitches, no appearance from fez in this but our man is back soon, majority of this is unedited so i apologize for any errors
Series Warnings: Addiction, sexual themes, cursing, abuse (various), smut, drug use, teenagers being fucking idiots. 18+ only, minors DNI
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Masterlist
taglist: @iamasimpingh0e @chelseagirl77 @zeida @thepawn1999 @alanis-altair @purplebtsmagic
The days that followed Mouse's death all blurred together, and you felt as if you had lost any concept of time.
Being on winter break didn't help, and you found yourself awake all night, partying with Rue, and getting high, before passing out and waking up the next afternoon, only to start the cycle again.
Fez hadn't tried to call you, but he had sent a single text. A simple 'I'm sorry' that you didn't think merited a response. He was sorry? Well, good. That night was a hard one, causing you to trip badly, and Rue spent the night holding you until you eventually cried yourself to sleep.
Rue's emergency stash dwindled quickly, and you'd promised her that you'd buy a few extra pills at Devon's to pay her back. You still had a little money stored away that some relatives had sent on your last birthday, and what better to put it towards, if not a great night out with a friend.
You were led on Rue's bed, ignoring the sheer audacity that you had, doing drugs and staying at the house of a woman who had previously questioned whether your friendship was good for her daughter.
Unable to hold it in, you released a giggle, turning until you were upside down on her bed, head grazing the floor as you watched her slowly dance around the room.
A knock came from Rue's door, leaving her to quickly dart toward her bed, jumping on it and nearly sending you off, both of you giggling again.
"Come in!" Rue managed to get out, opening a book in front of her.
Leslie stood in the doorway, observing the situation. She wasn't sure what had got into Rue as of late, but she at least seemed happier. She couldn't remember the last time she'd heard her daughter actually giggle.
"Everything good in here, girls?"
You lifted your head, accepting Rue's helping hand to pull you up the rest of the way, "Yeah... Yeah. Sorry if we're being too loud, Ms. Bennett."
Leslie pressed her lips together, watching as her daughter skimmed through a book before placing her face into it, "Why are we even doing the reading? It's so boring..."
"Because we have a pop quiz the first week we're back, and Mr Richards is an asshole." You told her simply, turning the page of your book.
Leslie couldn't help but smile, watching as her daughter sighed, but pulled her head up, continuing to read, "You staying tonight?"
Part of you felt bad, wondering if you were putting them out. But Leslie never seemed to worry, in fact, she had offered a few times. You wondered if maybe Rue had mentioned your father to her, but the thought quickly slipped your mind,
"If that's alright with you?"
Sending you a smile, Leslie nodded, "Sure thing. Dinner will be ready in about half hour."
Before she could close the door properly, she stuck her head back in, calling your name, "You can call me Leslie."
You grinned, even after she closed the door.
"You can call me Leslie," Rue mimicked, prolonging her mother's name and making kissing noises at you.
Giving her a shove, you scrunched your nose, "Don't be gross, Rue. That's your Mom."
"Oh, I know that. I just wanted to make sure you did, too."
Giving her another shove, you had to quickly catch her before she fell onto the floor, causing you both to giggle again.
After dinner, you sat watching a film with both Gia and Leslie, curled under a blanket with Rue. Your brain was barely able to keep up with the plot line, feeling yourself coming down. Rue had passed out not even twenty minutes into the film, snoring every now and then as she rested on your shoulder.
You pulled out your phone, ignoring the fact that you hadn't heard anything from your father -- or Fez -- despite not being home for several days, and you'd found yourself living out of Rue's wardrobe.
"I hope you don't mind, but I was grabbing Rue's washing this morning, and I found a white dress that I can only assume is yours. It had a red stain down the front, but I wasn't sure if you wanted it washed. Kinda looked expensive..."
You turned to face Leslie, eyebrows high as you took in her words. The last time someone had done your washing was before your mother left, and for some silly reason, the sentiment had you choked up.
"Oh, I uh... I spilled ketchup down myself after the formal. Burgers and white dresses really don't go hand-in-hand. But uh, no that's fine. I'll be heading home tomorrow anyway, so I'll just chuck it in with everything else."
Leslie nodded before placing a soft kiss to Gia's head and returning her gaze to the TV.
Trying your best to inconspicuously look around the room at each Bennett woman, your heart felt bruised. Although you knew Rue's family wasn't perfect, and a member was missing, you still felt your heart tug for something you missed, something you longed for.
You were certain if you just followed the path that your yearning heart tried to pull you down, eventually it would lead you to wherever your mother was. So you could lay in her arms as she pressed a soft kiss to your forehead as a film played on in the background.
But your mother never really was a very affectionate person. Even when she was there, she wasn't really there.
Turning your attention back to the TV, you tried to blink away the tears that were fighting their way out.
The music was thumping so loudly that the floors were shaking a little. You had absolutely no idea whose party this was, just that Devon had text you the address telling you he could find you there.
So, you and Rue hopped on the train making your way back to your old hometown.
"We'll never find him, this place is fucking huge," Rue's eyes were round as she glanced around the ridiculous-sized kitchen. You knew by the time she'd see the pool, you'd be propping her chin back up so she didn't catch flies.
Houses in this gated neighborhood were basically mini-mansions. You should know, after all you’d spent enough time at Liam's house. Big houses filled with lots of expensive furniture that they hoped would fill the void in their sad, lonely lives. Your parents did the exact same thing.
Except now, your father tried to fill that void with alcohol.
Ignoring the slew of wide-eyed glances thrown your way, you pulled Rue through the throng of people that were loitering around, chatting as they poured themselves a drink from whoever’s parent's very expensive whiskey collection.
"Why do people keep staring at you?" Rue asked obliviously.
Rolling your eyes before sending a sharp glare at a group of teens -- all quickly turning their backs, pretending they hadn't been gossiping about you -- you huffed out a sigh before grabbing two cups and filling them with whatever you could find.
Rue gracefully accepted the drink, but wrinkled her nose when the taste hit her tongue, "Shit, rich people really got no taste."
"It's for display, mainly. They sit swinging their dicks around over who has the oldest bottles."
"That's... Fucking weird, actually."
You shrugged, taking your own sip before resuming your search for your old dealer.
"If this was Fez, we'd just have to find a couch." Rue mumbled, losing both her patience, and any tact that she had.
You grimaced at his name before taking a deep breath, "Maybe he's outside."
After managing to find him, surrounded by a group of girls as he always was, you practically ran to him, the thrill of knowing you were about to get your next high forcing you forward.
"Well shit, didn't think I'd be seeing you again so soon."
His deep voice caused a smile to crawl onto your face as he shooed away the girls that surrounded him, all except the girl who was sat on his lap.
"Who's that?" His dark eyes were set on Rue, watching carefully as she looked anywhere but him, arms rubbing her arms.
"Oh, uh. This is Rue, a friend from school."
"You lookin' a little nervous, baby."
Rue's head snapped up at the nickname, eyes boring into the side of your face, but you barely paid attention, "She's fine, Devon. We just wanna get what we came here for, and go."
"How you doin' tonight, Rue?"
Shrugging her shoulders, Rue continued to look around the garden, "I'm fine."
"Devon, c'mon. Don't be a dick."
His attention snapped back to you as you crossed your arms, pushing your breasts together. Men could be very, very simple and -- lucky for you -- easily distracted.
"Fine. What can I interest you in tonight, ladies?"
With the drugs in your pocket, you were rushing toward the door when a shrill voice from the crowd stopped you in your tracks,
"Oh my god, is that really you?"
Rue almost ran into the back of you, her face screwing up in confusion. Before she could ask why you'd stopped, a girl pushed her way in between you, pulling you into an uncomfortable hug.
"I can't believe it. You know, we thought you'd like, died or something. Liam should-"
"Jen, hi. We were uh, we were just heading out. Bit of a rush, sorry."
You tried to pull Rue to your side, but Jen stepped in front of you before you could step forward.
"Oh, c'mon! We haven't seen you in forever. It'd be good to catch up. We all really missed you."
Lying bitch, you thought silently, trying not to allow the memories of her sneaking off with your ex-boyfriend to infiltrate your mind.
"I'd love to, but really, we need to catch our train..." Rue was beginning to get antsy, and you felt like the drugs were burning a hole in your pocket. At this rate, you'd both be sniffing off the sidewalk.
"We got some pills earlier, you should totally stay and hang out for a bit!"
A single brow raised as you turned toward Rue, her eyes darting to yours as a devilish smile broke out across her face.
If there was one thing better than drugs, it was free drugs.
Jen let out a squeal once you'd agreed, pulling you into another hug before she ushered you both along towards where your old friends sat.
After a chorus of 'Oh shit's and 'I can't believe it's you's, you finally sat down, Rue remaining close to you like a shadow, and you could only be grateful.
"So, where have you been? We haven't seen you since... Well, you know."
"Oh my God, Jake, shut up. I'm sure she doesn't want to relive that.”
You swallowed thickly, feeling Rue's knee knock yours as she insistently bounced her leg. You had honestly never been so thankful that Jen couldn't go more than 30 seconds without making the conversation about herself than when she changed the subject, talking about her Christmas plans to fly out to Colorado to ski with her family.
Gnawing your bottom lip, you wondered if Ash's invitation still stood now that you and Fez weren't exactly on speaking terms. Could you even sit across him at the table in his own house after the things he said to you? Did you even want to anymore?
You attention turned toward a guy you'd never seen before as he opened up a small baggy and began to crush up the pills, ignoring Jen's drivle of why she prefers Aspen to Vail -- apparently the instructors were hotter there -- and separated the first line, looking toward you as he gestured for you to take it.
Certain that Rue's leg was going to eventually break off from her body and run on it's own, you nudged her, allowing her to take the first hit. It wasn't long before almost everyone had snorted a line and your body finally started to relax.
Rue had pushed herself back on the couch, lazily bobbing her head to the music as the group tried updated you on the town's gossip, but Jen barely took a breath between sentences, and you were too high to keep up.
"Getting the party started without me? Man, I'm crushed. Heartbroken, really."
Your body froze, a breath stuck in your lung as you willed this to be some fucked up, bad trip, but the greetings from the group forced you to face the hard fact that this was really happening. This was your reality. If only you'd left earlier, if only Jen hadn't found you when she did. If only...
"Holy shit, Liam, look who finally came back. It's like nothing changed." Jen laughed, standing up to pull the boy into a tight embrace.
His brows pulled together as he looked around the group, all color draining from his face as your eyes met.
Jen pushed him toward a chair, and he collapsed down in it without much of a fight before she climbed onto his lap, placing a kiss on his slightly ajar mouth.
Turning to you, she released a high-pitched giggle, "Well, not nothing I guess."
Smiling triumphantly, she returned her attention to Liam and turned his face when she realized his eyes were still on yours, "Baby, c'mon, we saved you a line."
Rue's eyes darted between you and Liam, and if she were more sober, she'd of had the sense to get you out of there. Hell, if you were more sober, you'd of dragged your damn self out of there.
But neither of you were, so you remained sitting as you forced your lungs to work as they'd seemingly lost all autonomy.
"I hope this isn't awkward for you." Jen's eyebrows pinched together, but her tone was nothing less than patronizing.
If you weren't in shock, you would've backhanded her into next week. Instead, you quickly shook your head and peeled your eyes away from the boy who had colossally fucked up your life.
At least, partially.
"It's been a couple of months now, but we're still in the honeymoon phase, right baby?"
Liam grunted, using the excuse of snorting his line to slide her off his lap before finally addressing you,
"You look good."
Jen's smile faltered for a moment, before becoming much more malicious. Turning her attention to Rue, she cleared her throat in an attempt to garner her attention, "So, Rue. How long have you two known each other?"
As usual, Rue shrugged, waving a hand around in the air aimlessly, "I dunno, couple of months."
"So I guess she told you why she left our old school, right?"
"Jen, can you go get me another drink."
Liam handed her his empty cup, and you almost cracked a smile when her lips pressed into a thin line, cheeks tight as she forced a smile in his direction, "Oh. Of course."
Knowing he didn't have much time before the girl returned, Liam's eyes bore into your, "How have you been?"
You wanted to roll your eyes, throw your drink at him, even ignoring him would've been better than the weak 'Fine, thanks' that escaped you.
Nodding, he took the card from his friend, cutting another line as he continued, "How have things been with... You know. Everything."
The last time you'd seen him look this vulnerable was when you were first dating, and he seemed almost scared that he'd harm a single hair on your head. It no longer made your heart skip a beat, instead, you felt it sink into your gut.
Rue turned her attention to you when you didn't reply, "Everything alright?"
"We got what we need... I think we should go."
Rue wanted to argue, but one look at your bouncing leg changed her mind. Nodding, she pushed herself up off the chair, holding your hand to help you up.
"Hey, c'mon, you haven't got to leave-"
"Yeah, we haven't even caught up yet." Jen smirked, returning with Liam's drink, glaring when he ignored her attempt of handing it to him.
Standing up, Liam followed you a few steps before placing his arm on your elbow, trying to stop you. Spinning around on the spot, you yanked your arm from his grip, sending him a disgusted look, "Don't you dare touch me."
Jealously coursed through Jen's veins as she pushed herself between you both, any slither of friendliness gone, "Don't you dare talk to him like that. Who the fuck do you think you are?"
She pushed you back a little, shoving you into Rue, who had no idea what was going on, "Who the fuck are you, bitch."
Making her way around you, Rue pressed herself against Jen using her height to her advantage. Rue might not be much of a fighter, but she was definitely protective.
Grabbing her arm, you pulled her back, "C'mon, Rue. This isn't worth it. Let's just leave, please."
"What a good idea. Let the trash take itself out."
"Jen, for fuck sake, stop." Liam pushed the girl away from him, causing her to send him a dirty look.
"Oh, I'm sorry. I forgot that crazy bitch was a kink of yours. Maybe she'll let you join her junkie friend and her next time-"
Your blood was boiling, and all you could hear after the sound of your palm hitting Jen's cheek was the blood rushing around your head. Everyone remained silent for a moment, unsure of what to do.
With her hand pressed to her face, Jen's lip wobbled slightly as she turned her head back to you, "You think a psych ward was bad? You'll go to prison for this, bitch."
Your chest heaved as she walked away. Sure, Jen's family had money, but her threat didn't worry you in the slightest. Her words, however, made you begin to hyperventilate. Turning on your heel, you marched through the party, only stopping once you felt the cold night air hit your skin.
"Glad to see your taste in friends has improved."
Rue linked her arm through yours, gently tugging you along to make your way back to the station, hoping to catch the next train home.
The Bennett household was silent by the time you'd crawled into Rue's bed. You should've probably felt bad about spending so much time here, but after tonight you didn't want to be alone. As if she could read your mind, Rue didn't even bring it up as she led you toward her house.
"I have a question," She said into the darkness, not wanting to push you, but curiosity always led her astray, "What did that girl mean? You were in a hospital? Did you overdose?"
Biting at your bottom lip for a moment, you wondered if you could successfully convince her you were already asleep. But it didn't really feel fair. She'd been open enough with you, and over the past few weeks, you'd become a lot closer than you thought possible, bonding over more than just your addictions.
Taking a deep breath, you felt her wrap an arm around your waist as she rested her forehead against you, gently reassuring you, "No, not an overdose."
"Did it have something to do with why you came to town?"
You swallowed the lump in your throat, trying to keep your tears at bay. You hadn't spoken a word to anyone about the time between your schools and what led to your move to East Highland. And now you didn't have Fez to share that with, maybe Rue was the next best person.
"Liam, c'mon. This is fucking stupid, just admit it!"
Following him up the stairwell, you didn't want to confess that you were scared to lose him, but you couldn't carry on pretending that you didn't see him sneaking off at parties with other girls.
Pushing the heavy door open, he stalked onto the roof, pacing around, "You're fucking crazy, you know that?"
"I've seen you, Liam. Everyone has seen you. It's fucking embarrassing, all of our friends know-"
"What's fucking embarrassing, is having this conversation with you. What I do, is my fuckin' business and you have no fuckin' right to scream at me and accuse me of-"
"You aren't exactly hiding it! Fucking Hell, I'm sure if she thought she could get me out of the way, Jen would tell me herself what was happening."
Grabbing your face in his hand, Liam leaned in close, "Jen is a fucking slut, alright? She'd do anything, with anyone, for a bit of attention. She's just trying to get a reaction out of you, and clearly, it's fucking working."
"I saw you, Liam. I'm not blind, and I'm not fucking stupid, alright? I saw you both. Fuck, you don't even try to hide it."
"Do you blame me? Look at you, look how you're fucking acting. You're an embarrassment."
Pushing his chest, you tried to shove him off your face, which only led to him grabbing your arm, pushing his face into yours, "We all know you're not gonna leave me, so what is the fucking point of this argument?"
He was right, you had no intentions of leaving him when you'd first brought up the subject of him sneaking off during parties, and the fact he'd walked into lunch with Jen, both looking a little disheveled.
"You're a fucking asshole, Liam. A fucking-"
"You think I give a shit? I can be whatever the fuck I want, and not a God damned person is gonna stop me. You can't handle what I do? Then fine, fuck off. You're not exactly irreplaceable, baby. There's a hundred other girls at this school alone who would jump at the chance to ride my dick. You could kill yourself tonight and not a single fuckin' person would give a shit. You're not fuckin' special, understand?"
Tears were flowing, blurring your eyesight as you sobbed. Liam knew how fucked up you'd been since your mother left, and with how he was acting, your father may as well have packed a bag and fucked off too. Liam knew exactly how to fuck with your weakness.
You shoved him again, yanking your arm free from his grip. Between the force of your pull, and the lack of visibility, you felt yourself wobble, not aware of how close you were to the edge.
"What a piece of shit," Rue mumbled into your back, her arm holding you tight.
"A part of me can't blame him for it, I mean, I was a fucking mess and not all of my problems were because of him."
Scoffing, you felt Rue shake her head behind you, "Yeah, but he didn't fucking help. What happened after?"
"I woke up in hospital. They said even though it wasn't too big of a fall, I was lucky I wasn't badly injured. Apparently, Liam had told the police that he had ended things with me because he'd just found out about my drug habits. I went psycho and threatened to kill myself before jumping. The hospital confirmed I had drugs in my system, and with everything going on at home... They believed him. They sectioned me on a 5150 before sending me to a psychiatric hospital for three weeks. NA is part of my outpatient treatment."
"And he got away with it? None of your friends said anything?"
You couldn't hold the laugh in, wiping the stray tears that had begun to fall, "He's a rich, white, American man. Nobody questioned it. And they weren't my friends, they were his. They weren't going to incriminate him, or themselves like that."
"I fucking hate this place," Rue sighed as you shifted, snuggling your face into the pillow, "I fucking hate him."
"He's my own Nate Jacobs," You joked, voice void of any humor.
You weren't sure how long you laid in Rue's bed as she quietly snored away behind you, silently wiping away the tears that didn't seem to stop.
#fezco euphoria#fezco fanfic#fezco smut#fezco imagine#fezco x y/n#fezco fanfiction#fez x reader#fez smut#fez euphoria#fez fanfic#fez fanfiction#fez x y/n#mixed drinks and smoke rings#euphoria fanfic#euphoria fic#euphoria imagine#fez imagine
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An Old Flame (Part Two)
patrick melrose x fem!reader
summary: You tell Patrick you will go to England with him under one condition, but he can’t promise anything.
warnings: language, drugs, mention of suicide and overdose
a/n: okay I love patrick and I’m not sorry about it
word count: 1.1k
The next morning you find yourself back at the hotel, knocking on Patrick’s door.
There’s no answer. You knock again.
No answer. “Patrick?�� you ask through the door.
You hear something, although you’re not sure what, through the door. As you go to knock a third time, Patrick opens the door.
“What the hell did you do?” you ask him, pushing past him and entering the room.
“You know,” Patrick mumbles, waving his hands.
“I’m worried about you.”
“Yes, you keep telling me that.”
“I’m serious, Patrick.” You turn to look at him, and you notice his right eye has swelled shut. “What happened?” you ask him, walking up to him to look at his eye.
“Honestly, I’m not quite sure.”
“Patrick,” you breathe.
“Yes, yes, you’re worried about me,” Patrick turns and walks away from you.
“What did you take last night?”
“Does it matter?”
“Of course it does.”
“The usual suspects. Heroin, cocaine…”
“Cocaine? For Christ’s sake, Patrick.”
“I have to go meet some of my dad’s friends, as much as I don’t want to. Do you have an answer?”
“You remember that?”
“Fuck off! Of course I do!” Patrick shouts.
You stand there for a moment. “I’ll go to England with you under one condition.”
Patrick sighs. “Which is?”
“It’s going to be temporary until you show me you can put your life back together. I don’t care if you smoke and drink, I just don’t want you on drugs, Patrick. I don’t want to be constantly worried about if you’re going to be alive the next day.”
“I can’t promise you anything,” Patrick doesn’t make eye contact with you, “but I will try.”
You walk up to Patrick. “Thank you,” you whisper, taking his hands.
Patrick finally looks at you, and he lets go of your hands to put his hands on your waist and pull you into him. He leans down and kisses you - hard.
Your hands find the nape of his neck to pull him down to you as you feel his tongue ask permission to enter.
You answer immediately and Patrick pulls you even closer as your tongues dance together. You pull away from him.
“What’s wrong?” he asks you.
“I don’t think you can get any closer unless you’re in me,” you smirk.
“Is that an invitation?”
“I thought you had to meet some of your dad’s friends.”
Patrick groans and releases you from his arms.
“I’ll meet you back here tonight, okay? That is, if you want me,” you tease him.
“I think I will need that,” Patrick says, once again wrapping his arms around you, this time from behind.
You smile. “Okay, I will see you then.” You turn around to face him, and he almost looks genuinely happy - you haven’t seen that look in a really long time.
“Before you go,” Patrick says, letting you go to search the room, “I want you to take a key. In case I’m not here when you get here tonight.”
“Oh,” you say.
“It’s nothing serious, I have this thing with Dad’s friends, I need to pick up his ashes and I've arranged to meet a friend from university for dinner. Quite a busy night but I want to see you after all of it,” Patrick places a key in your hand.
“Okay,” you nod. You lean up to kiss him again. “I’ll see you tonight.”
“I can’t wait,” Patrick says smiling as he escorts you to the door.
———
You get back to the hotel around 10:30pm, a little later than you had hoped.
You knock on Patrick’s door and let yourself in. When you turn around from closing the door, you see Patrick on the floor.
“Patrick!” you shout, dropping your things and running to his side.
He mumbles something. You look at the coffee table to see a syringe and various pills.
“Patrick what did you do?” you rhetorically ask.
Patrick blinks at you. “Y/n,” he whispers.
“Patrick,” you say, caressing his head. “What happened?”
Patrick slowly sits up. “I… wanted to die.”
“Oh, honey,” you breathe, running your fingers through his hair.
Patrick places his head on your chest. You continue to caress his head and the two of you sit there on the floor.
Patrick starts to cry.
“Shh,” you say into his hair, holding him closer. “It’s okay. You’re okay. I’m here. I’m right here.”
You kiss his head. “Let’s go to bed, Patrick, okay?”
He nods. You help him up and get him to bed. You shuffle through his clothes to find a t-shirt for yourself. You strip down to your panties and throw the shirt on.
“Y/n,” Patrick calls from the bed.
“I’m right here,” you say, crawling into bed next to him.
Patrick pulls you into him. “I love you,” he mutters. The two of you drift off to sleep.
The next morning, Patrick isn’t in bed when you wake up. You get up and walk to the bathroom. You see Patrick in the tub.
“Hey,” you whisper.
Patrick looks over to you and smiles. “Good morning.”
“How are you feeling?”
“Like shit.”
“Are you ready to go?”
Patrick groans.
“I’m going to be with you this time,” you tell him.
“God, I need a Quaalude,” he mutters.
“We need to go.”
“Yes, of course,” Patrick says, getting out of the tub.
The two of you get ready in silence. You glance over to Patrick, and you see him take a Quaalude. He looks over and you look away, continuing to pack.
“Y/n, look, I will get clean, I just..” Patrick starts to say.
“It’s fine, Patrick,” you say shortly.
Patrick drops the subject and the two of you finish packing. You both leave the hotel and go to the airport.
As you’re waiting for your flight, Patrick suddenly gets up and goes to the payphone. You watch him from where you are.
At the end of the call, Patrick starts to cry.
You stand up, ready to go over but he waves you away. A few minutes later, he walks back to you and sits down.
You place your hand on his leg as he wipes his face.
“Thank you,” he whispers.
“Of course,” you say, kissing his cheek.
An announcement comes over the loudspeakers, saying your flight to London is boarding.
“Patrick, that’s us,” you say, standing up.
Patrick nods and stands up. As you walk to the gate, Patrick takes your hand in his. You give it a squeeze.
The two of you board the plane and head back to England. You wonder what is going to happen, and if Patrick is really going to get clean this time. You really hope he does.
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I think im the most depressed I've even been. How is that possible? I've definitely gone through worse. I think it's because I spent so many years in panic mode, fight or flight always ready watibg for the next adrenaline spike, I was in survival mode for years and now that the screaming and breaking objects, manipulation, sexual violation, is over I can breath, but what for? I'm so defeated. I have nothing left, I survived and that's it now what? I'm done. I fought the fight, im done, I don't want any of this anymore. I didn't get a prize, no reward so what am I staying for? More heart ache? I've had enough and the rainbows the come in between aren't that special they aren't worth the pain. I'm tired im defeated and the only reason I'm here is because my mother can't care for herself, but im done I can't be the mom im still a child myself. I play mom but im not even good at it and she resents me anyway. But if I die then there would be no one to care for her and although she's already rotting she'd suffer through the process more if I was dead. I hate all of this and I wish I was never born. Oh yeah did I mention my best friend is dead, she killed herself april 25 2022 and about 11:40pm who am I supposed to talk to about my suicideal ideation when the only person I could talk to about it actually followed through lol Im not gonna kill myself rn I just want to talk about it, it's comforting to know there is a "glowing exit sign" in the back, as she used to say.
Nothing helps, nothing is comforting anymore. How can I stay when I can't even find a sliver of comfort, all the thi gs the used to work just feel shitty and broken. The smoke doesn't help, the cat dosen't help, the thoughts don't help, the pills don't help, my mom dosen't help, my mom existent friends don't help
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i opened up. about everything (sorta). for the first time in years the other day
i was talking to an old friend about a tattoo i’m getting to cover old sh scars and i told him i was a fucking mess. and he asked me what happened that fucked me up. SO I TOLD HIM. only my husband and therapist ever knew anything about it.
i’ve decided to open up about it here… so be nice.
when i was 13, 2 weeks before starting my freshman year in august, i was raped. this ruined all of my future relationships. i said no, but it didn’t matter. i started cutting to help numb the pain. i told my friends it was consensual. it wasn’t.
i turned 14 in september and in october one of my best friends committed suicide. i was devastated. i stopped eating and developed an eating disorder and starting cutting more. i didn’t recognize myself anymore.
personal hygiene was nonexistent to me. i didn’t want attention, i didn’t want to be touched again. other kids complained (OBVIOUSLY.) so i took more time on hygiene-just enough to go to school.
a few months later i was assaulted on a school bus. i told my best friend and opened up about the first time and being raped. she told my mom. my mom called the school and I WAS BLAMED. i should have gotten help when it happened, i should have made it a big deal. i was on an elementary bus, with tiny humans. but i should have made a scene. it was never “he shouldn’t have done that to you. i’m so sorry”
i started taking pills on top of everything else. i just wanted an escape. i attempted suicide. i wanted it to end.
then i met the first boy i fell in love with. the boy who ruined me. i started acting out sexually since i couldn’t be invisible. we started sleeping together. it went on for 2 years.
i wasn’t getting better, i was just hiding. i wasn’t eating, i was cutting, i was smoking and taking pills. anything i could to escape, to feel nothing.
i pushed everyone away. i didn’t need help, i was fine! i could control it.
i never dated in high school because my trust was completely gone. i didn’t want to be alone with another boy. until i started dating my husband.
after we graduated, he left with the military for a few months. the best guy friends i had all 4 years had also turned their backs on me. whoever said guy friends are less drama fucking lied. so i started getting really good at hiding everything. i was working-i didn’t need to eat at home. i was getting high more and more, hardly ever sober.
when my grandfather died (october after i graduated. literally on the 4th anniversary of my best friends suicide) i realized i needed help. i wasn’t okay. i went into therapy. finally someone could help me!! wrong.
my mother (who thinks she knows everything) was called into a session where my dr diagnosed me with BPD. my moms exact words were “everyone’s borderline as a teenager” but i believed my mom!! i started lying to my therapist. to my family. to my boyfriend. I WAS FINE!
until i wasn’t fine.
i cut too deep one morning. i was fighting with my boyfriend over something stupid and told him i wasn’t okay. i was having a mental breakdown or panic attack or something.
when i was cutting i would black out. i couldn’t feel anything so i’d end up with a ton of cuts. i didn’t stop til i could feel it again. but this time was different. i wanted to die. in that moment i just wanted everything i was feeling for so long to just end.
i cut too deep. i sunk to my bathroom floor. i started passing out from the blood loss. something in me told me to stay awake. fix this. i tried calling my boyfriend (yes i married him, he’s better now) and told him i need to go to the hospital and he ignored me. he said he was busy. i was drifting in and out so i called my best friend and told her. she rushed to my house (this was like 730am) in her pajamas and spent the entire day with me, took me to the hospital to get stitches. helped me. that night my boyfriend called me and apologized. i could have died and he didn’t care. it took a long time for us to get better after this.
i didn’t get better until i was 19 and found out i was pregnant with my son. i started going back to therapy to keep us both alive. she explained what BPD was and it made so much sense. the self harm, manipulation, unstable relationships etc etc. everything i felt finally explained.
my son saved my life. had i not gotten pregnant with him, i’d probably be dead. i wouldn’t have him or my 2 amazing girls. i wouldn’t have fixed my relationship and been with him for almost 10 years.
after 14 years i am finally covering my past.
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Because this is Tumblr and nobody will ever fucking see this I can post this here. I'm going through shit. When I was a teenager, I used to cut really fucking bad and I was in and out of the children's psychiatric hospital. I found a song I used to listen to when it was about 10:30 at night, and I had slashed my arm up and my plan to kill myself had been found out. Paranoia was setting in. It was pain I knew how to feel and I miss it. This song sent me back to the pain and it feels so good if that makes sense. It reminds me of being a kid. It reminds me of going to the hospital. I miss that hospital. I miss going to sleep after getting my meds there and taking a shower and picking open the cuts on my arm to get the lint out from my clothes and feeling hope because all the medication was new and all the diagnosis were fresh. All the treatment plans weren't tired. I hadn't attempted suicide in any big serious way yet. Things hurt, but like it was pain I had ways I cope with and it was pain I could understand and I hadn't yet confronted the biggest stuff in my head and the worst stuff hadn't happened yet. I was less scared and my life felt like a movie. It wasn't fun???? But it was???? Idk. Drama lmao I liked the dramatic shit that came out of all the pain I had to endure. My shit still made people reach out to me and think I needed love and their care instead of shutting me out for being sick. I was more in the moment. I miss those fucking cuts on my arms and I can only say that here. I have cuts on my legs but there isn't many and it's not the same. When I was a teenager people didn't understand as much how dangerous I was to myself. I was a kid. They couldn't grasp it. My roommate keeps all sharps and pills in a literal safe from my dad. When I was a kid I had pencil sharpener blades and broken shaving razors. I know this is all fucked but I miss that kind of pain. It made sense and I could grasp it and it felt less permanent and I was in denial that it was forever. I felt like if I kept cutting and kept screaming and kept getting myself admitted people would take me out of all the pain I was in so I wasn't as scared. That pain wasn't so bad. I'm listening to one of the songs I'd listen to on the way to the hospital feeling fucking hopeless. I've kinda stopped fighting and screaming and crying and trying to get people to hear me. I don't have hope that it'll get better. I'm not waiting to be taken out of it. I'm not a kid anymore. I'm in the real world. Now I smoke and I drink and Ive cut family out of my life because I've given up on them Ive seriously attempted and landed myself in the hospital. That's something I would've been so fucking scared to do as a kid. I handle things on my own. I do what I have to do but I just go through the emotions. Hearing this music feels good tho. That old pain feels good. This seems depressing but I don't mean it to be. I feel good hearing this music. I'm taking a break from what I feel and the pain I'm currently in. I'm back in the pain I was in. I know that sounds bad but it feels good. It feels like home. I wish I could go back to that hospital and take a shower there and stack those two stupid mattresses that are in the rooms and make my bed with my blankets and pillows that my dad brought me and my grey dog stuffed animal Webkinz and get back from the nurse giving me my night meds and snack with wet clean hair at a decent time feeling sleepy and call my dad for twenty minutes to say goodnight and talk about the cool new friends I've made and harry potter or something and then have the best most relaxed sleep ever. I'd kill to go back
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Vampire Eddie Munson X Y/N
Summary:After Eddie��s ‘death’ Y/N isn’t coping well so turns to marijuana and other drugs to try and cope. Months later Eddie returns, but he’s not the same Eddie Y/N knows and loves
Warnings: SMUT! 18+ content! Drug use and abuse, blood, biting, p in v sex, fingering, mentions of potential death and suicide, Y/N denying help, ‘death’, praise kink, and dominant/submissive, dirty talk, descriptive scenes of sexual actions.
*all rights to this story are mine, please do not steal this story or the idea of it!*
Two and a half months without Eddie.
That’s how long it had been since the day I held Eddie in my arms as he slowly slipped away from me.
Two and a half months since Steve had to drag me away from his body as we left it laying there, in the upside down.
As soon we made it through the gate in Eddie’s trailer, I grabbed his guitar, some of his clothes and his jacket that he had given Steve and left everyone behind.
Everyone blamed the break between our world and the upside down on an earth quake, but I didn’t care.
I lost my best friend, and the love of my life and it seemed like no one cared anymore.
They had tried to intervene and tell me that the way i was dealing with his death wasn’t healthy and it was going to kill me, and it wasn’t something Eddie would’ve wanted.
*Flash back*
I had just taken several lines of cocaine and was laying in the floor of my living room when the door opens.
I barley recognize the voice of Hopper as he kneels in front of me, holding the dime bag that had the remaining of what i had just snorted up my nose.
I don’t move my head as my eyes lock on his, and he looks at me with disappointed eyes.
“Y/N, this is going to kill you.” He states as he holds the bag out for me stare at. I roll my eyes and look away from him, not wanting to hear it from him. “What else are you taking?” He asks as he throws the bag onto the table.
I look at him from the floor briefly before going back to staring at the floor, to faded to give a fuck.
He walks down the hallway into my room to find the Special K and large bag of pot I had gotten from Rick just two days ago. He comes back into the living room and throws the two bags onto the table.
“God dammit Y/N! Eddie wouldn’t want you to deal with him dying like this!” He shouts and this causes my chest to tighten at the mention of his name. I sit up from the floor and grab one of the three bags off the table and lift it in front of his face.
“This is the only thing that keeps me from killing myself Hop! Without this I go insane! You’re the last person to lecture me about drugs because you used to pop pills like it was candy!” i shout at him and his face drops at the mention of his old habits.
He looks at me with disappointment and turns away from me but not before muttering something he thinks i can’t hear but i do.
“I’m sorry kid, we all love you.” he says before walking out the door.
I drop down to my knees, holding the bag of Special K in my hands.
Tears prick my eyes as I think about Eddie and my chest tightens so much it’s like i can’t breathe.
I drop onto my side and scream out my pain as the drugs kick in and I slowly fade in and out of consciousness as I think about Eddie, soon falling asleep with tear stained cheeks.
*End of flashback*
That was the last I had seen anyone.
If I left my house, it was to go buy more drugs from Rick, and even he was starting to get concerned at the amount of drugs i was buying off him.
The higher I got the less pain i felt. It was an escape.
I woke up with a tight chest and a God awful headache, I look at the room around me and see empty bags of the last few different kinds of drugs I had taken, and empty bottles of whiskey, vodka, and tequila.
I groan as I see only a small amount of weed left over.
“Fuck” i state as i grab the bag and take out the last pre rolled joint i had in it and light it. Letting the burn of the smoke rest in my throat as i hold in the smoke until i’m nearly couching.
I exhale slowly and wait for my headache to disappear but it doesn’t so I take more hits off the joint and wait.
After a while my headache disappears and the high finally kicks in. I smile to myself and my chest lightens and i open my eyes.
Suddenly, i hear something crash in my room and onto the floor.
“what the fuck?” I say out loud, as my parents were never home and no one was over anymore, and it was Hawkins, no one ever broke into someone’s house.
I slowly push myself off the floor and stumble down the hallway, and even though i don’t have a headache anymore, the hangover is still very real.
I look into my barley cracked open door and try to see what fell over. I push the door open, skeptical that maybe it was just my imagination.
I walk further into my room as my eyes lock with my lamp that once was on my night stand, that’s now on the floor.
I glance around my room quickly, trying to see if anything else is out of place and find nothing.
‘how the fuck did that fall on the floor’ i think as i walk over to the lamp and put it back on the night stand. I look around my room again before sitting on my bed.
Eddies clothes sat in a pile on the floor, and his guitar was against the wall and his jacket was around the chair in the corner.
Without warning, the bed behind me sinks down and i freeze as arms wrap around my shoulders and a body presses against my back.
“It’s okay, i’m here now.” A voice says.
I jolt out of my bed and whip around and see Eddie sitting on my bed where i just was.
“This isn’t real.” I say as I stare at the thing in front of me.
He looks exactly the same as the day he died. But with no holy clothes and no blood.
“You’re not real.” i state again as the figure gets off my bed and approaches me.
“Y/N..” Eddies voice says as he reaches out a hand to grab mine but i back away.
“No, you’re dead and i’m just imagining all of this.” I state as tears prick my eyes and tears start rolling down my cheeks before i can stop them.
“Baby it’s me.” Eddie says as he tries to reach for me again. This time i let him touch me as even if this is my imagination and i’ve gone insane, i miss his touch.
When his hand grabs mine, it feels real and he looks just as real as he feels.
“Eddie?” I question, scared that if i look away, he’ll disappear again and all of this was just a dream.
“Hi sweetheart.” He says and he tightens his grip on my hand.
Without a second thought i throw my body into his and he holds me around the waist as i bury my head into his chest and start balling my eyes out.
“How is this possible? how are you alive? what happened?” I ask him.
“All i know is i’ve spent the last two and a half months trying to find a way out of that hell hole, and i don’t know what changed, but now i’m here.” He explains as he looks down at me.
“You died, i swear you did.” i tell him.
“I think I did.. but I feel different.” He tells me and i fur my brows.
“What do you mean?” I ask him as i finally pull away enough to finally get a good look as his face.
His eyes aren’t brown anymore, they’re crimson red, and barley poking under his top lip are long teeth, and i finally realize, that he isn’t warming me up, and he actually feels cold.
“Eddie?” I ask as i stare over his body. “What happened to you?”
“I think i got turned into a vampire or something?” He more or less questions than states.
I don’t know how to feel, as i continue to stare at him, still trying to convince myself that he’s real, and not a figment of my imagination.
“Y/N. Look at me.” Eddie says as i realize i hadn’t looked back into his eyes for a while. “Come here.” Eddie nearly demands as he reaches his hand out to me.
I grab his hand and he pulls me into him again and he’s quick to hold me tightly against his body, signing in content at the contact of our bodies.
I don’t even care anymore that he might be a vampire, all i care about is that he’s finally here, again, in my arms.
“What have you been doing to yourself Y/N?” He asks still holding me close.
“What?” I ask him, confused as to what he means.
“You blood doesn’t smell clean. It smells tainted.” He says as he pulls me away from him enough to cup my cheeks in his ring covered hands.
I ignore the coldness that emits from them and lean into his touch as i cry more.
“I haven’t been dealing very well…” I trail off as i look into his red eyes.
“What have you been taking?” He asks me sternly as he searches my eyes for an answer.
“Anything Rick will sell to me.” I tell him honestly.
His face falls at this because he was the one who introduced me to Rick in the first place, and he knew the kinds of drugs he sold to people.
“Baby, why?” He asks solemnly, sad that i had been hurting myself in order to deal with all of this.
“I couldn’t stand the thought of you being dead. It was killing me from the inside out.” I tell him as his hold on my cheeks lighten. “Please make the pain go away?” I pretty much beg him as if he was still not real and this was a dream.
Fuck it, if this was a dream, i might as well make it worth my time.
“Make it go away Eds. Please.” I beg again as he moves his hands from my cheeks and down to my ass in a flash, squeezing them hard as he lifts my body into the air like i weigh nothing and moves us at an unnatural speed to the bed.
“I’m gonna make it go away baby, i promise. I’m going to prove to you just how real I am.” He states as he kisses me with force.
I moan at the force of his lips against mine and shove my hands into his hair and grab as much of it as I can.
He hissed at the grip of my hands in his hair and moves down my neck, leaving sloppy kisses all over my neck.
“I need a taste baby, it’s driving me insane.” He says as i feel his lengthen teeth graze my neck.
I moan, letting him know that it’s okay. He kisses and sucks the skin on my neck before i feel the tips of his fangs start putting pressure on the spot and then the skin breaks and i almost scream because it hurts but feels so good all at the same time.
His moan of pleasure tells me that he’s satisfied with the taste of my blood and my hold on his hair tightens as i hold his head to my neck.
“Eddie” i moan out loud as he pulls away from my neck and stares at me. I feel a small amount of blood dripping down my neck but i don’t care as I see my blood all over Eddie’s lips and chin.
I didn’t know i had a blood kink until just now but fuck it, it was hot.
“You taste like heaven sweetheart.” He says with a smile as i look into his eyes that seem to get a darker shade before turning back to brown.
The brown eyes i love so much.
He leans forward and captures my lips in a kiss. I don’t pull away as he shoves his tongue into my mouth, letting me taste my own blood.
I moan against him as one of his hands slips under my shorts and he’s quick to find my center and doesn’t wait to shove two fingers deep inside me.
“Be my good girl princess. Moan for me sweetheart.” He eggs on, i don’t stop the loud moans that fall from my lips as he curls his fingers deep inside me, hitting the spot he knows with make me fall apart.
“Fuck Eddie, don’t stop!” I scream as he works his fingers against my sweet spot deep inside me.
“Open your eyes for me baby, i wanna see that pretty face of yours when you cum all over my fingers.” He says and i hadn’t even realized i had closed my eyes until he said something.
His motion picks up and he never lessens the pressure his fingers hold on my g-spot and i’m pretty much cumming in less than two minutes flat.
I scream out as he holds my orgasm at his own mercy as one after the other rocks through my body. After about four, he slows his momentum and lightly moves his fingers a few times inside me, nearly starting another wave of pleasure to be released keep inside me but he stops all together and slowly pulls his fingers out of me.
I whimper at the loss of his fingers inside me but he only smirks at me as he brings his fingers that were just inside me into his mouth.
His eyes roll into the back of his head as he sucks my juices off his fingers, until there’s nothing left.
“your pussy juice tastes almost as good as your blood.” he comments before grabbing the sides of my shorts and tearing them in two, he throws the pieces somewhere in the room before he looks down at my underwear. “These are in the way.” He grumbles before ripping them in two as well.
He kisses my lips and trails down my body, leaving sloppy kisses everywhere his lips touch my skin. I moan as he gets to my neck. He rips my shirt open and reveals my exposed stomach and chest, lacking a bra since i never left my house anymore.
“All mine.” he growls as he leans down and sucks my left nipple into his mouth, i moan out as his teeth grab ahold of the bud and he bites down.
“Oh fuck!” i let out as i try to grind my exposed pussy against something on him, anything.
“Not yet baby girl.” he says against my skin. I whine lightly but let him have his way.
He released my nipple and bites down, breaking the skin of my breast open with his teeth sucking some more of my blood.
I cry out because this one is more sensitive than my neck and it hurts more but still feels good.
He lefts go as blood drips between my boobs and he continues down my body, leaving my blood all over my body with each kiss he leaves on my stomach.
He gets between my thighs and holds my hips in place.
He kisses into my left thigh and bites down ones again.
“Eddie!!” I scream as the pain goes right to my pussy, making wetness drip out.
He lets go again and stares up at me.
“so fucking responsive to me, aren’t you baby?” He asks me in a dominant tone.
“Yes, god yes.” i reply.
“What do you want Y/N?” He asks as his hands grab both my thighs in a tight grip, waiting for my response.
“I need you inside me.” i breath out, my voice sounding like i’m begging him again.
“good girl.” Eddie says as he removes his pants and boxers in a flash, not wanting to waste time.
“You gonna take it all baby?” He asks as he spits into his hand, spit and my blood mixed together and he shoves his hand against my pussy.
I arch my back upward and the force and moan.
“Yes. Please” i beg again as he wipes his hand up and down my folds, making sure it’s nice and wet for him, not that he needed it. I could feel my wetness dripping down my crack with how turned on i was.
He grabs his hard dick in his hand and runs it through the combined juices between my thighs, blood, spit, and my wetness coat his dick. He does it only a few times before he lines up with my pussy and slams into me.
I scream as it’s a tight as hell and hurts because i hadn’t done anything in a while.
“You’re so fucking tight baby.” He says as he doesn’t even let me adjust as he starts moving deep inside me at a desperate pace. “Daddy’s tight pussy.” he says as he rocks back and forth.
The combination of his dirty talk and the feeling of being so full has me flying into oblivion in record time.
As if i hadn’t came enough tonight.
He doesn’t slow down or stop as i come over and over again, each one being more intense than the last one.
He slows down enough for me to concentrate, letting the waves slow for only a small time.
“What do you want from daddy?” he asks as he’s moving so slow inside me that i start to get irritated.
“Fuck me harder.” i tell him, not wanting this to end. It was the first good thing i had felt in months.
Without any warning he pulls out of me and flips me over so i’m on my hands and knees.
“Put that ass in the air sweetheart.” He demands and i bend down until my chest hits the bed, perking my ass up as high as it will go.
He grabs my ass cheeks in his hands before lifting one hand up and smacking my ass, hard.
I whimper and moan as the stinging goes straight to my pussy.
“You like it when i hurt you?” He asks me and i nod.
“Yes.” I respond and even though i can’t see his face, i know he’s smiling.
“Good.” He says as he slaps my ass again. I cry out a moan.
“do you want me to fuck that tight pussy of yours until you can’t even say my name?” He asks me as he bends over me to whisper in my ear.
“Please.” i say as he bites into my shoulder.
He releases it before spitting into his hand again and wiping it over my pussy again.
“God baby. You truly are a sight. Ass in the air waiting for me to fuck you, begging me to fuck you like the needy little slut you’ve always been for daddy.”
I don’t even know how to respond and this must piss him off because he slaps my pussy with his hand.
I moan at the hit stings my pussy.
Fuck he’s never done this before but it’s hot.
He bends back over me with his dick positioned at my entrance.
“Hold on tight baby.” he says and he slams inside me once again.
I scream as this angle makes all of this that more intense, as i can feel even more of him, if that was even possible.
He grabs ahold of my hips and starts slamming into me so hard that i’m sure i’ll have bruises in the morning.
Him being so deep inside me makes me come apart with only a few strokes.
Again, he doesn’t let up on his thrusts and he seems to take all of his own pain out on my pussy.
“Fuck Y/N i’m gonna cum.” he says as he bucks his hips faster, chasing his first orgasm of the night.
I don’t know what happens but all i know is he bites into my other shoulder and cums deep inside me and i see stars.
I don’t know how long i’m flying up but this is better than any drug i’ve taken in the last few months.
He seems to slow down his pace to nothing before slowly pulling out as i start to come back to reality.
I tighten my pussy and feel some of his cum drip out.
“If that’s not the sexiest thing i’ve ever seen in my life.” He says from behind me. He isn’t touching me but i know he’s still there.
“What?” i ask not knowing what he’s looking at.
“watching my cum drip outta that tight pussy of yours.” he says as he moves and grabs my body and lifts me so im pressed against his chest.
he’s still semi hard and is pressed against my thigh but i don’t mind.
for the first time i look down my body and i’m covered in blood.
“i think i need a shower.” i say as his grip on my waist tightens. He has his face buried deep into my neck and i can hear him deeply inhaling.
“Can i come with?” he asks as he lifts his head from my neck just enough to kiss it.
“yes.” is all i say back. i couldn’t possible imagine letting him out of my sight.
He grabs under my legs and picks me up bridal style and carried me across the hall and into the bathroom.
We’re both naked so we don’t have to undress at all but he lightly sets me on my feet.
My legs shake as i get used to standing and the ache in my pussy feels nice because i could remember why i hurt. I look in the mirror at myself and i watch Eddie turn the way on behind me, holding one hand on me as he did so.
My hair is up and i can see all the puncture marks all over my body. My eyes travel down my body looking at each spot Eddie latched onto my body to drink from me, smiling to myself.
Eddie wraps his arms around me and buries his head into my neck once again, kissing the skin.
“You still smell so good to me.” he says against my neck and i giggle.
“Let me go grab some towels really quick before one of us has to rush to grab one soaking wet.” i say as i look at him through the mirror.
He releases me but i can tell he isn’t happy about it.
“Hurry back.” he says as i walk down the hallway. i quickly open the closet door and grab two towels. But before i shut the door i feel a pull coming from somewhere inside my body.
I follow the pull and it leads me back to the bathroom.
i fur my brows and Eddie stands there stark naked staring at me. He sees my confusion and comes closer to me. The pull feeling disappears as soon as he touches my arm.
“Did you feel that?” I ask him and he nods.
“i marked you.” He says to me and my eyebrows hit each other at the center of my forehead.
“What does that mean?” i ask him and he only smiles.
“it means no matter where you are or where i am. We can find each other. You never have to be away from me again, and if you are you can find me.” he says.
i don’t respond as i set the towels down and hold my hand under the warm water coming from the shower head before stepping in.
Eddies quick to follow me and i stand under the water. He grabs the body wash and my loofa and washes all the blood from my body, being careful around the tender bite marks he left all over me.
“Baby..” i say as he slowly washes away the rest of my blood.
“hmm?” he asks focused on his task.
i stay quiet for a second thinking of a way to ask him what i want, but it seems he can already tell because he stops cleaning me off.
“i’m not going anywhere baby. Never again.” He says, his sharp fangs poking his lip.
His eyes turn red once more and he moves my hair away from my neck lightly. I moan as he brushes his lips over the same spot he had claimed earlier, and very slowly sinks his teeth into the already broken flesh.
“please.” i beg not wanting him to ever leave. He doesn’t let go of my neck but lifts me up in his hands and i shiver and moan as his dick slides deep inside me once more.
I’m sore but being filled to the brink by him makes the pain better as he seems to bite down harder onto my neck, making a scream leave my mouth as he pulls out and shoves right back into me at a much more aggressive force than before. He releases my neck with a possessive growl as his hips work back and forth.
“You’re mine!” he growls, eyes as red as crimson. “Say you’re mine!” he demands teeth bared ready to reconnect his teeth with some part of me.
He pushes so far inside me i lose my voice and the only thing that can come out is inaudible muffles.
“That’s right sweetheart. Take daddy’s big cock in that sweet little pussy.” He says as he moves my head to the side and sinks his teeth into the other side of my neck.
My orgasm is so intense i’m shaking and no words come out as nothing but pleasure courses through me. Eddie cums deep inside me again and it causes the orgasm to be even more intense.
I see black as he thrusts slow down and it takes me a while to come down, breathless and shaking.
He holds me tight and waits for me to somewhat respond before he pulls out again. I whimper as the ache in my pussy intensifies, the only thing that dulled it was having him inside me.
“I don’t think i can ever get enough of you.” he says as he washes my skin again, gently cleaning my lower half. He skims my clit with his hand and i cry out.
“You’re real sensitive aren’t you sweetheart.” He asks me and i nod slowly, trying not to orgasm again.
He smirks and slowly pushes he thigh against my center. I moan loudly as my hips work against my own wishes and i push my throbbing pussy against his thigh.
It takes three thrusts of my hips, my throbbing core pushes hard against his thigh for me to hit my climax and i’m screaming out as he holds me steady so i dont drop to the floor.
When i come down again, he holds me close being sure to only hold my upper half close.
“i think you’ve came enough times tonight princess.” he says and i nod. Barley coherent.
He grabs me and walks me out of the shower, dries me off and lays me down with a night shirt on but leaves my bottom half nude because of how sensitive i am.
I drift off to sleep not soon after as he wraps his arms around me, pulling me close.
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Testing my game this weekend was a blast! I got a ton of good feedback, and good ideas to smooth out the gameplay. I'll need to do a lot of work on tweaks here and there, but the basis of the game is solid and everyone said it was super fun to play, so I'm really happy with how things are going.
I also finished some huge projects in Minecraft and showed off my world to some friends and blew their fucking minds. That was also satisfying.
I think after the most recent dose increase on my meds, I can finally feel them kicking in. Not like a high feeling, but I can tell my mood swings are starting to mellow out. I still get them, but they're a little muted now. I'm able to focus a lot more and I've been able to finish projects that I start. It feels good to have my priorities straight and clear. I also stopped getting panic attacks altogether and I stopped thinking about suicide. I think the anxiety pills are doing great for me.
I tried to log on to Amazon today and realized her account was still saved to my computer from when we tried to watch one of her favorite movies together. We were definitely... distracted when we watched it, but again. Constant reminders everywhere. How in the FLYING FUCK can she be everywhere I go? HOW? It's driving me insane! I wish someone could obliviate my memories of her so I can fucking move on? That would be cool? I can't do shit without some random thing popping up about her. It's fucking torture. How does someone come crashing into my world at the speed of light and exit so fucking quickly and leave THIS MUCH DEBRIS. HOW. HOOOWWWW.
Anyways, tantrum aside I had a good weekend. I get to meet up with my new Magic friend on Tuesday after work to fix up my chonky cat deck. I also want to try to use the deck that she built with me at the next commander night I go to. I've only played it once and sadly I just had a bad hand the whole time so I didn't get to use it to it's full potential.
I wish we could have done more Magic things before we split. I wanted to be able to hang out with her and keep doing nerdy things and be friends, but I can't be friends with someone that I'm this in love with. I've never been like this. I have always been so good at turning off the feelings and just being in platonic friendships with my exes, but fuck man. I can't with her... and I've always walked away from relationships thinking "it's their loss," but I don't feel that way right now and it's just eating me alive.
Ugh I'm being such a baby about it... and this is definitely a tired subject, but where else am I going to vent? I'm sure my friends are done listening to me being whiney and emo. So I'll just keep bitching on Tumblr until I stop feeling like this.
I need to talk to a therapist about my dreams. The last few years I've been having back-to-back anxiety dreams about all of my exes, and there's a lot. I've been in at least 10 long term relationships since I was 13 and for some weird reason I keep having nightmares about all of them. My relationship with her was the shortest relationship I've ever been in, and I even have nightmares about her. I just want to stop dreaming about everyone from my past but I don't know how.
I'm gonna crack out on some Minecraft and I might smoke weed tonight just so I can try to fall asleep without getting depressed. I just need one night where I'm not wide-eyed in the dark missing her and hating myself for it.
Tomorrow I get to hang out with some friends and maybe do something artistic. I'm looking forward to that.
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Open letter to my ex who doesn't even have Tumblr (to my knowledge).
Trigger warnings for: frequent attempted suicide by loved ones, feeling guilty for suicidality of loved ones, unrequited love resulting in toxic relationship, numbness, self-harm by cutting and the resulting scars, anorexia, bulimia, attempted suicide by paracetamol overdose and jumping in front of a train, making fun of serious situations, mental institutions, smoking, alcohol, failing school, hospitals, queer suffering, flashbacks, pedophilia, non-descript bad parents, probably more. Just, all the trigger warnings.
Thinking back to the days when you tried to kill yourself.
Feeling like a zombie, hollow, and yet on hyper alert at the same time, for days. Telling all my teachers that if my phone rang during a lesson, I would have to pick it up. You never called.
I still went to school. I woke up worried sick about you and I went about my day like everything was fine. Staying up all night so I'd be awake if you called with news. If someone else called with news.
I remember never crying. I remember sitting on a trash can in my garden and talking to you on the phone while you tried to leave the world and me behind. I remember leaving the phone for a few minutes to argue with my mom about being allowed to call with you- when I came back, you'd taken the pills.
I remember leaving my school books at home so I could pack clean clothes into my school bag. I didn't think you'd have them at the hospital, I didn't think anyone else would have thought to bring any. I was ready to ditch school at a second's notice, half-way through a lesson, if you said you needed me. You didn't let me see you.
I didn't have any friends. The only person at school who actually knew why I was on emergency standby was my biology teacher, who I still think is one of the coolest dudes on the planet. I chatted for hours with this one person online who I didn't know anything about, not even their name. We didn't actually talk, we just rp'd for hours when I should've been doing schoolwork.
I remember driving my parents nuts because I was willing to break every single one of their rules if it meant it might help you. I remember how they tried to be supportive while still trying to get me to take care of myself, and how I was willing to burn myself to the ground if it meant you would look at my dying flame and I would know you were alright.
I remember going through a mixed Hell of numbness, worry, guilt, grief. I remember the comedic tiktoks you made from your hospital bed, and thinking, "How can you joke about this? This huge, silent burden that I carry around for days at a time, and you're joking about it to strangers online instead of reassuring me that you're okay?"
I remember somewhere, silently realizing that you never actually cared about me the way I cared about you. You couldn't even tell me you were alive, you didn't even want me at your bedside. I remember denying that out loud, but within, I knew this was where our relationship was failing.
I remember feeling like a failure because I couldn't stop you from trying to leave. My being here wasn't enough to make you want to fight to stay, and my trying to convince you (begging, pleading, manipulating, distracting) only lasted until I left for a few minutes to argue with my mom.
I remember being so calm, when we were calling. It scared me. It's still the first reaction I have when I get calls like that. I remember asking you about how many pills you were taking, and saying "Okay." when you said, "A normal amount." I remember how you laughed and asked if I just believed that. I remember having to ask four times, worried now, to find out you lied to me, and I believed you because I trusted you. I remember asking about how much pills you were taking, how deep you were cutting, how many cigarettes you took with you. I remember how you accused me of only asking to relay that information, asking me who I was calling, yelling. Like I could ever have betrayed you like that, even if it meant saving your life. I was never a snitch. The only person I was calling with was you.
I remember how you barely ate. I remember how the scars looked, covering your arms, and the way you wore short sleeves outside like you were flaunting them, yelling at the world that you're fucked up. I remember starting to like your cigarettes more and more. I remember sharing the alcohol with you that I stole from my mom. I remember the way you sounded when you took 21 paracetamol, when you took 25, when you took 27, when you took 18. I remember hating myself for how I couldn't save you.
I remember visiting you in that fucking mental hospital. I remember going to buy beer and smoking the cigarettes they let you have there. I remember how I wasn't allowed to see your room. I remember how you looked happier there than you had at home. I remember wondering how much of it your little sister could understand.
You know I still smoke? I used to hate smokers. You know I can't ever see paracetamol without thinking of you? I have them in my bag 24/7 because of my headaches, too. Not that you ever knew about those.
I keep thinking about how those days, weeks, months, affected where I am now.
The person I used to text for hours? I've video called with them so many times now. I know their name, their emotions, their dog. I would die for them. I still don't think they know about those days.
My biology teacher isn't my teacher anymore. I still hug him every time I see him. I remember how he told me about all the friends he lost to suicide. I remember thinking it was part of my legacy, in a way, as a queer person. To lose people like that. I was terrified.
I have the sound of my phone off most of the time now. It still feels bad sometimes, like I should always be available. I don't need to be. I am not the only person my friends lean on for support.
I still react the exact same way to emergency suicidal situations as I did to yours. I guess you trained me, in that way. I'm the only one of my friends who could keep a level head when one of us was begging and pleading with us to let him jump in front of a train. We held on to him. I'm the only one who didn't cry.
I still know everything I researched back then. I know all of the non-religious cemeteries in our entire city. I know the exact medical procedure for paracetamol overdose. I know how deep is dangerous with cutting and I know how to disinfect wounds. I know how long you can go without food, without water. I know all about the teenage mental health care in this country.
I still never cry. I still look at that trashcan and remember looking up at the moon as I listened to you cry. I still wonder what it would have been like if you just let me visit you in the hospital. I still remember the lyrics to all the songs I wrote. I still barely take my actual school books to school. I still don't put my phone on airplane mode overnight like my dad says I should. I still have calls where I try to convince my friends not to kill themselves, where I distract them from their suicidality, where I walk them through cleaning up and disinfecting themselves after they self-harm. I'm still not a snitch. But if dumping a friend on their parents or the school with a warning label and no explanation is what it takes for them to be alive, then that's what I'll do. If you had ever chosen an actual effective way of suicide, you would've been dead about six times over. My friends now are smarter. I'm not making that mistake again. I still get flashbacks to then. I still remember you, like nostalgia but the bad kind.
You've blocked me on social media. You've forgotten how I was the only one you could actually lean on and you took me for granted. Or maybe you just never noticed. I know your life got so much worse once I wasn't in the picture anymore. I know your life is kind of in order now, if we consider that you're a minor sleeping and living with a guy who's six years older than you and your parents are alright with that. I know it's definetly been in worse states.
I just needed to tell you that I remember that one night, after we made love, after you gave me my first tattoo and we watched a movie on your laptop. You were asleep against me, lying on my chest in a kind of way, and I was awake all night, stroking your hair, doting it with little kisses, and counting myself lucky.
The morning after, you made pancakes, and we stole your parents beer and you thought it would be funny to cut yourself sneakily in front of me and I caught you. I puked in your toilet that night, because you were dishonoring our agreement by cutting yourself in front of me, so why should I bother to not puke? I felt so fucking guilty. You never found out.
But that night. That night was perfect. That night was my idea of Heaven. That night was safe; you were safe in my arms, I could feel your breaths and heartbeat. And I felt safe, in your stupid little shed, in our beautiful little bubble, I felt safe from all the monsters outside.
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GTA HEADCANONS‼️
TW!! angst, smut, suicide, drugs, death
part two of headcanons that live in my head rent free
Trevor tried to overdose after Michaels fake death. He would sit beside his grave for HOURS, drinking lots of alcohol, taking sleeping pills, praying to god to take him.
as a kid (and also adult) Trevor would hurt himself on purpose to discipline and also punish himself, and sometimes it was because he was overwhelmed. After Michaels “death”, his self harm problem got worse. He would scratch his arms, cut, bang his head against concrete, etc. When they reunited, M saw all of the new scars on Trev’s face, arms, chest. He felt sick to his stomach, making his best friend hurt himself. One night (after Ending C) they met up st Michaels, just chilling around, and M caressed T’s scars gently, asking if he could try to not hurt himself anymore.
Trevor has a piss kink. Thats it.
Lamar is TERRIFIED of bugs, he always screams like a little girl when he sees one (he also taught Chop to eat em)
Michael tried to finger himself a couple times, but he was always interrupted (either by amanda, trevor, or kids)
Franklin loves cuddling, but he won’t admit
Lamar and Trevor hang out together when Michael and Franklin are busy. They would chat like a teenagers, gossiping about their friends (M and F). Also Lamar has LOTS of Trev’s embarrassing pics on his phone, but T doesn’t really care.
Michael ALWAYS gets insecure whenever watching gay porn. He’s too jealous about bodies of good builded men. (wait till he find out about fat kink, he might open his onlyfans)
Trevor jerks off on omegle. He’s kind of guy who would do that.
Tracey’s taste in men is AWFUL.
Michael tried to shoot himself when being drunk, but he shoot the lamp instead (Amanda cared more about the lamp)
Trevor would ask Michael to sleep with him on call whenever he had nightmares (M made fun of him)
Franklin tries to take Chop everywhere he goes, so his doggo won’t feel alone.
Michael HATES animals, he can’t stand the fur.
Trevor always masturbate at Michaels place. If you’d ask him where he did it, he would probably say “everywhere you can imagine”. AND HE MEANS IT.
Lester loves billy bounce (im sorry)
Trevor smokes cigarettes whenever he misses Mikey.
SORRY FOR NOT POSTING THIS EARILER!!!!
also, would ya prefer me to mark characters names with colour?
let me know! i hope yall enjoyed the hcs!
#grand theft auto v#gta 5#gta v headcannon#gta fanart#michael de santa#t/m#trevor phillips#trikey#gta san andreas#headcanon
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Well. At least I have slightly nicer bandaids than normal so no blood on the sheets I guess. Overall today I'm a bit better. Hung out w a friend from work for the second time (this particular one) and it was nice! Just smoked and talked. She's similarly cheerfully depressed. Today I've been feeling the bouts of like. Earth shattering despair and they've hit me rly hard today. I'm trying rly hard. I'm doing a better job of wearing my face than I was the last couple months. I'm not gna self harm today. I don't want to start up on consecutive days again. Gotta try to at least keep it to every other day. Oh. Also. The Big suicidal urges have been back. I've got more than enough pills to kill me. I'm safe tonight but I'm worried because they're really easy for me to access. I was getting them down around christmas and my cat came over and rubbed up against my leg. Obviously I didn't do it. Anyways. That's what she wrote for today.
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Wednesday, September 27th, 2023: Long Roads
"So that’s how you grow mental toughness. One task at time, believing that you can change and evolve, taking failures and notes to growth and not to heart.
The person I’m most proud of as I lay here in bed, not bullying myself, but helping myself inch forward: is who I was as my lowest. Debating suicide, hiding under much rougher covers. That girl, so sensitive and hurt, knew enough to get help and keep trying with a map she hadn’t created yet and with no light to walk towards. She pulled herself up with no promises that things would get easier.
That takes fucking grit. And I can practice on it more. I can get better at it. I put my hand on my heart and feel it beating: it’s never stopped since day one. Neither have I. I have gotten myself here."
One year ago today, my life was going to get a little worse and then much better. This was my first floor. I like to think I'm on the third floor right now. New job, higher salary, new housemate, new friends, new running habit, new yoga habit, new home decor and deep cleaning, new medicine, and new wardrobe. I had just started meditating and literally never cooked.
These are all huge upgrades that happened the way everything does: slowly and then all at once. I had to lose things to replace them with better things. They were lessons I was lucky to learn and a sign that sometimes the universe really is working in your favor even on your shittiest days. You just have to be friends with yourself first.
I thought of a year ago as a low, but even then I was striving and starting to improve: after all, I had been lower. I can't remember the last time I had suicidal thoughts and they used to play in my mind like a soundtrack at a party I was desperate to leave.
Now I have a map to reference and light to see. Things did get easier and then easier still.
In comparison to before, today was downright cheerful. Makenna and I went shopping for a card and bag at Pangea Outpost for Hannah's birthday present. We (well, I), picked a David from Schitt's Creek-themed card where he talks about crying a little and popping a pill. The bag is an obnoxious bright pink and covered in stars. I also got an orchid and sea salt candle for myself because we all deserve a little treat. My room has been smelling amazing because I switched out the Pura pods to Capri by Volcano and some mango-esque scent.
It's the little things. Like dusting my shutters and drinking from a fat coffee mug, that makes me feel like my corner of the universe is more airy and bright than it's ever been.
Afterward, we stopped by Sprouts and picked up some Ollipop Colas because Hannah is obsessed with them. Then I finished up work for the day, accidentally showing up to a meeting while wearing my "Gay for Soccer" ballcap for a good 15 seconds before whipping it off.
I redownloaded Daily Yoga and am dedicating 20 minutes tonight to stretching my calves before attempting another 5 K tomorrow. No shin splints this time. Also carbo-loading with homemade smoked gouda cheeseburgers with caramelized onion and roasted delicata squash.
I showered deeply and stood in the steam, breathing into my stomach and praying to no one in particular that some of the rough plaster I've been covering myself with to say safe is cracking off and away. Strong and vulnerable instead of brittle and shielded.
Is there something worthy, strange, and ethereal underneath my skin that makes all of this worth it? Unerasible and deeper than addiction and bad self-esteem. When I'm serene, and the tasks of the day have been crossed off their lists, there's a golden flutter of something like purpose.
An intuition that good things are coming, the best things yet to arrive. It's what got me through in the pit and it's what is pushing me forward still.
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