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pastelcheckereddreams · 5 months

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Four Seasons Manor (四季山庄): Set Layout, Part Two!

I found it. I finally found the second set. I'm so ridiculously proud of myself 😂 All details will be revealed and broken down shortly, here and in a third part, but first let me recap my Siji Manor drafting progress so far:

If you're stumbling over this post in the wild - hi! I draw architectural drafts of cdrama sets, as accurately to the show as I can. A huge amount of research goes into creating my art, and so far no set location has been as elusive as this one. All of my set design projects start with a lot of research and resource gathering, to ensure that I am drafting the sets as accurately as possible. One element of each of my finished pieces is, as you may know, a birdseye view of the set. I include this to show the spatial relationship of the architectural elements I draft, and to give the fictional location cohesion and comprehensibility as a "lived space," further enriching - I hope - your experience of my art and of the show itself.

This process, however, becomes incredibly complicated to achieve when 1) the set I am trying to draft is split across different film locations, especially if 2) I can't find one of the sets.

At the time of my last post, linked here, I had located the set used for the front courtyard of Siji Manor in Hengdian World Studio's Spring and Autumn Tang Park, (what I have begun to call the "exterior set"), and had ruled out the wider set as locations for the main "interior" set - the inner courtyards of Siji Manor where the majority of the scenes in episodes 24-29 take place.

Well friends, just over a year later, I have confirmed that my suspicions in my very first Siji Manor draft post were, in fact, true. The second shooting location for Siji Manor was inside one of Hengdian's film studios. It was filmed in the "Mansion Scene" set, in Huaxia Shed #2:

My journey to finding this set lead me through two other dramas, and to the discovery that this set was also used for part of the filming of WOH episode 5, in Sanbai Manor. By cross-checking all of these scenes, I've been finally able to identify all relevant buildings and map the main set for Siji:

(First part of an insane, dizzying breakdown under the cut. It's long. It's confusing. Godspeed.)

project list | kofi | prints

I will begin by saying that, although I am confident of this layout as you see it above being Siji Manor, I am not certain that this is the full Mansion Scene in Huaxia Shed #2. This is because my only source for the photos above comes from this article, which also includes three photos I've been unable to place in relation to the above map, despite clearly being from the same area. Moreover, because of the lack of wide camera angles or even full use of this above set in WOH itself, my scale/placement of buildings in relation to each other is still a little off. I've also given myself some artistic license with minor parts of the landscaping. That being said, let me break down this set layout for you, and reveal Siji Manor to you all:

WKX and ZZS's rooms

Buildings 1 and 3 are used as WKX and ZZS's rooms respectively. My confirmation of this fact - and many more to come - comes from the drama Mysterious Lotus Casebook (MLC), in which we see a clearer view of the courtyard between the rooms itself, where the kitchen in WOH resides (labelled 2):

Firstly, how do I know that the kitchen where Chengling has his chicken showdown is outside WKX's room? Because we can see it outside in this screenshot:

And how do we know that this room, WKX's room, is the one on the left side of the screen in the Mysterious Lotus Casebook screenshot? Because that room, belonging to Yun Biqiu, matches the layout of WKX's room:

(Note that WKX's room is used as the Princess's room in episode 1 of WOH, and despite significantly different set dressing/modification, her room - WKX's room - bears the same structural layout as Biqiu's. But you probably just have to trust me on that latter point because they like to move walls and floors in the film studios.)

To verify building 3 as ZZS's room (which is likewise used as Li Xiangyi's from MLC), and to show that you can walk straight through this room from the kitchen (2) courtyard into the formal courtyard (5), I'm going to have to let these door panels do the heavy lifting for me:

Did you follow that? Don't worry, I've mapped the route on a copy of the main birdseye view below. Hang in there!

Formal Courtyard

The snowy screenshot above brings us to what could be considered the "formal" courtyard of this mansion - the QHZ snow scene! It is the fact that this scene occurs with ZZS's room to the right (note those door panels) that makes me headcanon ZZS took up residence in QHZ's room on his return to Siji (and that WKX took Qin-furen's....).

There isn't much to say about this courtyard itself, but enjoy these screenshots from MLC:

Now, did you remember those other door panels? In MLC, Li Xiangyi walks from this courtyard around the side of his old room (again - note the door panels) past a small, private seating area for his/ZZS/QHZ's room - labelled as area 4.

This brings him, and us, along the walkway dividing the kitchen courtyard, and the main courtyard of this set. If you're struggling to follow along (as even I am at this point😵‍💫), this is the route I have taken you on so far:

I'm about to divert you into Sanbai Manor, WOH episode 5, for a look at area 7, and then we will dive into the main area of this Siji Manor set in part three.

So, surprise! This set is also briefly used for Chengling's room in Sanbai Manor. I thought I was crazy for this, but damn it, I was right. Here's a view of his "room" which is actually the side of the main hall (6):

It's at this point that I concede it might have just been easier to start this breakdown with the main courtyard and main hall. Whoops.

Anyway, I hope this first part has been an interesting, if chaotic, read. Let me know your thoughts so far! Have you been able to follow along okay? Do I need to clarify anything? What do you think about the revelation of all these sets colliding? (Particularly if part one and the first set is fresh in your mind.)

As always, if you'd like to support my research madness and help fuel my many artistic endeavors, please consider donating to my kofi or checking out my print shop:

project list | kofi | prints

Now, click through to part three below, where I will take you through the main area of Siji Manor. See you there!

Part One | Part Two | Part Three

#nikkidraws #四季山庄 #山河令 #four seasons manor #word of honor #shan he ling #woh meta #word of honor meta #shl meta #woh set design #shl set design #set design #yeeting these from me now it's taken two days to do both of these posts at the same time 😭

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askmadcomcrew · 6 months

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I don’t know if this has been asked yet, but 2b, what’re your thoughts on everyone else here?

It probably has, but to be entirely honest, so much time has passed since such questions were commonplace that I forget if it ever did. Never hurts to give it another go, I suppose.

Hank, as I've said many times before, is one of the most fascinating people in Nevada. I truly am lucky to be able to work with him as closely as I do, and privileged as well. Any other individual would long since have met their doom. I think I am one of the only people in Nevada who truly knows Hank, but perhaps that is just wishful thinking.

Sanford and Deimos are my trusted and decorated operatives. Reliable, intelligent...Mostly, and resourceful. I can always count on them to get the job done, as much as they may squabble amongst themselves. They are some of the few Nevadeans I've seen who have formed a close bond, a rare sight around here. They bring some real life into an otherwise dry, boring, and soulless plane of existence. For as much grief as I give them, I am grateful to them and I feel I do not do enough to express it.

Dr. Christoff...What a shame, really. If you can believe it, I hold a great deal of respect for the man. I consider him an intellectual equal. He is one of the smartest men in Nevada, but unfortunately he is blinded by ego and his self-assigned mission. He is hardly the savior he claims to be, but rather a force of death and destruction. Also, I am entirely convinced his reason for disliking me is simply because I am better at his job than he is, and he cannot stand it. Unfortunately, he has rejected all of my offers of alliance, which are usually met with insults and vague threats.

Dr. Hofnarr, or what remains of him, stands to be the single most dangerous force in Nevada next to Hank or the Savior. I suppose just calling him "Tricky" would be the most apt name for him. He is completely and utterly insane, and has a very unhealthy obsession with Hank in particular. I do not know what caused this obsession, and neither does Hank, but it has definitely proven to be problematic when it comes to SQ operations. He is one of the biggest threats, but thankfully it seems he has little interest in my other operatives, and Hank can at least hold his own. If I could ever get my hands on his corpse, I would love to perform some experiments on it.

Dr. Crackpot, the third of the still surviving major Nexus scientists is a...Small, fickle, and often pathetic man. At least that is what I gathered from the files I stole from the Nexus Core. I never met the man personally, and frankly I do not wish to. He and his cult are ultimately a footnote in the grand scheme of things, and his quest to spread this word of "buoyancy" will be quickly snuffed out if it ever becomes a significant problem. I am more than happy to let him continue to squabble in the sewers.

The Sheriff, once a coward, now the formidable leader of MERC. Previously allied with Dr. Christoff, he has made somewhat of a name for himself in Nevada, much to his dismay I can imagine. Were it not for Hank's...Dislike for him, I would have offered him to join SQ, but I suppose it is for the better that he remains a separate and independent entity. The Sheriff is known for being quite the turncoat, very willing to switch to whoever he believes is on the winning side. I'd rather not wake up staring down the barrel of a revolver to someone I put trust in.

Phobos...Is dead. Hopefully, for good. I have no love for the man, nor respect either. He and his regime were a blight on Nevada, and I was happy to do my part in dismantling it. The Nexus Core still exists, but on the fringes of Nevada, barely held together and struggling to reform. Phobos never has and never will be a God. Nevada is a better place without him in it. My only regret is that I could not have been there to watch Hank, Sanford and Deimos deliver the final blow and send him back to Hell where he belongs.

The Auditor is, of course, my greatest adversary. An intellectual equal, but a victim of hubris, much like Dr. Christoff if you think about it. He is dangerous, smart, cunning, and ruthless. Nearly indestructible by all forms of conventional weaponry. But I am confident that, in time, and with careful planning, I can defeat him and his agency. The AAHW may seem endless and unbeatable, but with the help of my benefactor and Nevada's most dangerous mercenary, I like my odds. He doesn't scare me, to put it plainly and simply. His defeat is all but assured.

#2bdamned

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iamhomewardbound · 9 months

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8.28.23

TW - death, graphic descriptions, depression

My Dad died last May.

He died at 3:10 PM on a Wednesday afternoon after a lifelong battle with alcoholism. He died before I turned thirty, before he could walk me down the aisle, before he could meet my future children.

On a late Sunday afternoon I drove home because he was in the hospital again. My mom said they had mentioned that he may have six months to live. Huh? I don't know how I drove for over 3 hours after hearing that. Over the course of the next eleven days, his prognosis went from months to weeks, and from weeks to days.

And on the eleventh day, we sat around him, exhausted beyond words after days and nights of exasperated caretaking that spiraled into infinity. I cannot physically bring myself to write what we experienced, but just know when you liver and kidneys fail simultaneously, ammonia builds up in the body and pretty much makes you go insane. So the parent you love with all your heart is writhing, bucking and tearing at their own skin as their body succumbs to the end stages. They are hallucinating and angry. They are awake all hours of the night and asleep all hours of the day. They are diapered and spoon fed. They are helpless.

As we sat around him on the 11th day, his breathing began to labor. I looked up from the newspaper I was reading and suddenly it was time. We gathered (or floated? I don't even know how I got there) around him and I took his hand in mine. It was oddly lukewarm and slightly rigid. I didn't think anything of it at the time, in fact I'm not sure I was capable of coherent thought at all. His big giant hands that held me as a child, that would rustle my hair and envelope me in massive hugs. Those giant hands. How, Dad, how?

His wrist pressed against mine, and I realized couldn't feel a pulse. His breathing paused for longer than normal. I put my two fingers up under his jawline and suddenly he let out, what I did not know at the time, the very last gasp of air from his lungs. I was so startled I laughed. Not sure why I did. Then suddenly our family nurse was there and my mom told her solemnly that he seemed to have stopped breathing. Seconds, minutes, hours, maybe even days passed by, and then she put her fingers on his neck to check his pulse, and then some words came out of her mouth that indicated he was dead but there was that ringing sound in my ears. My mom and sister erupted into animalistic sobs, but the ringing sound™ got louder, louder and louder like in the movies. All other sound is muted. There is nothing, only ringing.

Somehow I watched my Dad get put on a stretcher and loaded into a hearse. They zipped the black bag up around his face and I wanted to cry out, "STOP, you're suffocating him!!!"

But it was me that couldn't breathe. I was the one who was suffocating. I couldn't breathe, and I wouldn't be able to really breathe for the next several months. Maybe even the rest of my life.

It's been a little over a year. A year of the core part of my being collapsing into itself and rotting into the diseased seas of despair and depression. You thought you were sad? You thought you were really fucking sad?? Try losing a parent under highly traumatic circumstances and your lowest moments will feel like a goddamned vacation compared to this.

The worst feeling of all is this is year 1/X; 1 of X.

X being a lifetime.

The mortuary called us on Father's Day to let us know my Dad's ashes were ready to be picked up. You know, cause Father's Day clearly was the best day to do this (sarcasm).

Something they don't tell you about ashes is that there's bits of calcified bone in it. So, if you move it, rebottle it, or shake it, it goes klink-tink. It is also a beige, almost skin-like color, not what I would have expected, and kind of sombering.

And so this is my life now. Consumed forever by the sudden, highly traumatic death of my father. I continue my existence pretending to seem like I'm okay when I've been dealt probably the craziest fucking blow I could have never forseen coming.

I can't vocalize the absolute horror and pain I've had to see and go through. I just can't.

Hug your parents. Hug your Dad. forgive them. Go visit them.

I would give up all my earthly possessions just to be wrapped in a big bear hug from my Dad, but I will never again in my life get that privilege. Just writing those words out into a sentence is incomprehensible.

You don't even know the magnitude of knowing never again in your life will you see, hear, or touch someone you love. These words shift continents and collapse black holes. They pause time and halt gravity.

So, I urge you to you go tell your parents you love them, and give them as many hugs as you still can. Please.

For me, if anything.

#death #ptsd #deathofparent #grief #thoughts #alcoholism #codependency #love #sad #depression #depressed #anxiety #grieving #loss

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adammilligan · 2 years

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me spending way too much time researching tornado outbreaks in minnesota all for the purpose of giving adam some backstory in this fic i’m writing in what little free time i have is just proof that i am so so normal about him. i am not insane

#i think what we have maybe all forgotten is that minnesota is very much still a midwestern state. with all the tornadoes that come with that #from what i've been able to gather because i may be just a little insane and i've been looking through minnesota's recorded history of #tornadoes. there have been none that touched down in windom from 1990-2009 #HOWEVER. the comfrey-st. peter tornado outbreak (which led to fourteen tornadoes touching down) did happen in comfrey which is like #only half an hour away from windom #and from the radar images of the supercell that caused it i've been able to scrounge up there WERE parts of the storm that went over windom #there just wasn't a vortex that touched down there.#and considering how red and yellow the part that was passing over windom was there is no doubt in my mind it was still a bit of hell #sorryyyyyy i've been fascinated by meteorology since i was little and i am always dying to give adam some backstory and this is #a perfect way i can combine the two. though you always have to be careful when addressing that sort of thing in fictional scenarios because #people's homes WERE destroyed and at least two lives were lost yknow. it was still a very real thing that happened #but i would be researching this sort of thing even if my stupid fanfic wasn't the reason behind it. the tornado that touched down in comfrey #was an f4/ef4. like it was Powerful.#from an anniversary video i watched about it that had some of the survivors speaking one woman mentioned that the radio cut out #halfway through the broadcast because the antenna had fallen #which is just terrifying to think about let alone experience #ghghghgbhb anyway. i am so normal guys i promise #azure rambles

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amaranthineoceans · 3 years

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Everything Weird About Deltarune!

Spoiler Warning for Undertale and Both Chapters of Deltarune! Really! I Literally Go Through Everything I Can Remember About Them!

This is a long post so get comfortable. Also note that my brain doesn't process thoughts into words very well so some of these might not be worded in the best way. :)

Deltarune. The first teaser chapter was released on October 31, 2018, and it came out of nowhere. We've all gone through this, but I'll try and go through every single painstaking detail I can remember. Feel free to reblog and add/correct things.

The weirdness begins right off the bat. The title is an anagram of UNDERTALE. We all know Toby likes to use anagrams when he wants to indirectly tell us when things are related, so it's no surprise that when you go to download DELTARUNE, it warns you that the game is designed for people who have played UNDERTALE. You think, "Cool, so it's a sequel? Or maybe a prequel? A different perspective of UNDERTALE perhaps?" You were wrong; so terribly, terribly wrong! I'll elaborate on this later.

Before you download the application, the terms of service that you must agree to beforehand reads simply and plainly, "You accept everything that will happen from now on." This detail was kinda brushed off in the beginning, because, hey, it's Toby Fox. He does weird stuff all the time. But even in the first chapter, it's apparent that the concept of choice, or more accurately, the lack of it, is a very present theme in the game. I would like to remind you that Toby has announced that there will be one ending in the game. One. I'll elaborate on this later.

The program (as in, what the game is called in your files) is named SURVEY PROGRAM. Why not just call it Deltarune like it is when you download chapter two?

The game launches you, without a title screen, without any setting adjustment options, straight into a reference to the theme of the entire franchise: the lack of choice. A strange formless voice guides you through "making a vessel", with what we know now as a fountain in the background. You have the option to make some very disturbing choices in this character creator, such as making its favorite flavor "pain" or expressing your feelings about it with options such as "fear" and "disgust." You name your "creation," tell the formless voice your name (which is different from your vessel's name) and watch as said formless voice muses over your name at an agonizing pace. It thanks you for your time and tells you that your wonderful creation, (cue music cutout and background removal) will now be discarded. "No one can choose who they are in this world." The screen slowly turns white as the voice says, "Your... name... is..."

It gets weirder. The next scene appears from the whiteness and showcases Toriel calling "Kris" out of bed. Kris' area of the room is very bare in contrast to the other side, which we later discover is Asriel's.

It's Toriel. Why is Toriel here?

Kris is kind of an anagram of Frisk (the protagonist of UNDERTALE) but without the F. I highly doubt this is a coincidence.

Speaking with Noelle is the only reason you can proceed (see what i did there?) while finding a partner in the classroom. This means you can't go through the 1st chapter without knowing who she is. Is it because of the Snowgrave route?

Ralsei is just suspicious to me. There's no way he was just waiting in that castle his whole life alone without some mental toil. So either he's insane or he wasn't alone the whole time. What happened? Is it related to how he can close his eyes and see what Susie is going through when she's apart from the party? Was he just watching everything? Is he related to the formless voice?

Susie's icon is the only one without color in the Dark World.

Jevil's fight is more difficult than Sans'.

Your actions have little consequence in the first chapter. If you choose to go genocide, the only difference in the ending is being run out of the kingdom, and this doesn't carry over to the next chapter. Again, lack of choice, people.

If at the end of chapter one, you walk around town, it's mentioned (notably by Noelle) that you're usually not this talkative. If you go to the hospital and speak with the receptionist, they mention that you used to play the piano in the corner. If you decide to attempt to play the said piano, an out-of-key bash can be heard and the receptionist comments on how you used to play beautifully. If you try this in chapter two, the result is the same. All this is confirmation that Kris is acting noticeably weird.

When you leave the Dark World and walk around town, you can find Sans. He "pretends" to recognize you, and if you tell him you recognize him, he tells you it's funny, considering that you two have never met before. He winks. I'm pretty sure he knows that the player is there.

The mention of Papyrus in both games, but the purposeful lack of him. Like he's avoiding you.

If you go upstairs while inside Asgore's flower shop, there are flowers in glass cases resembling his SOUL collection in UNDERTALE. There's a red flower.

You can't enter the church.

The clock in the storage closet shows a different time than all the others in the school.

If you go all the way south in town and into the woods, the music stops and you come across a rusty, double door is in a hill covered in crass. It's locked. If you go this way in chapter two, however, you watch a cutscene where you and susie happen to find Monster Kid from UNDERTALE (or someone resembling them) and an owl kid in front of the door. The owl kid is pressuring Monster Kid to (presumably) break inside, telling them that they don't want to be a wimp like Kris. Does this imply that Kris is connected to this strange door somehow?

The ending. You know what I'm talking about.

Did Kris actually rip out the SOUL (I say "the" because I'm not entirely sure it's Kris') and knife because they wanted to eat the pie? Did they only eat the pie because Toriel caught them?

Why did they look at the player? Are they sick of being controlled? Is that why they freaked out after the Spamton fight? (later)

Anyway, now we're at chapter two.

DELTARUNE Chapter Two was released on September 17th, 2021. 17. Entry Number 17. Sound familiar?

Asriel's part of the room is different from the last chapter. I don't think this means anything sinister, but I think it means Kris notices different things about the room as the story progresses. My theory is that it will become more sinister in each chapter.

Ralsei getting super excited to see Susie and Kris after a day. As in he has separation anxiety and it breaks my heart. not anything suspicious but it makes me sad so it's on the list.

Kris and Susie's rooms. Ralsei REALLY doesn't want them to leave. Seriously get this boy a therapist. Or a stuffed animal. SOMETHING.

Kris having to gather everything from the storage closet so that people appear in the Dark World????? Why??????????????? They had to do the same thing for the computer lab too.

The golden door. I don't trust it.

How/why the heck did Noelle and Berdley go into the Computer Lab Dark World? I don't see either of them just walking into pulsing void doors without Susie.

Apparently the knight has been gone for a bit and can corrupt people's minds? The king in the first chapter doesn't seem like he can be redeemed but Queen just seems,,, not bad, but a little crazy. I wonder what happened.

Then again, name ONE person in this franchise without trauma.

Spamton.

Horror doesn't bother me. Spamton? Spamton bothers me.

SPAMTON. ENOUGH SAID.

A Kromer is a type of hat invented in the '70s. Nobody named Mike is associated with it, that I can find.

SPAMPTON. HOW DO I EVEN DESCRIBE IT.

HIS SONG IS THE ONLY ONE WITH WORDS.

The way he asks Kris is they want to be a heart on a chain their whole life. Like, dude, no wonder they were screaming after the fight.

WHERE DID THE YELLOW HEART COME FROM. YELLOW MEANS JUSTICE. WHY DOES JUSTICE APPLY.

Kris screaming after the fight and the player not being able to hear it. Don't you dare tell me that's just how the game is designed. There are sound effects characters make throughout the game. None that I can think of apply to Kris, apart from when they rip their soul out.

Ralsei brushing off the Spamton fight. Either that's his coping mechanism or he was trying to shut Susie and Kris up to protect them from... something. I'll touch on that in a minute.

According to Queen, DETERMINATION is a key factor in creating a fountain.

Also according to Queen, Kris, Noelle, and Susie all have DETERMINATION SOULS.

Ralsei freaking out about Berdley making a fountain implies that he may also have DETERMINATION. Why I'm bringing all this up will make sense soon.

How was Noelle able to cast Snowgrave... a spell that she, according to her, didn't know?

The Snowgrave route is so twisted.

You manipulate Noelle into killing Berdley and then, when you get back to the computer lab and investigate his corpse, the text box says that he doesn't seem to be awake. As if you're in denial?

Burgerpants recognizes you. Not Kris. As in the player.

The ending. I don't think I need to describe it. Kris is very methodical without the SOUL. (I say "the" because, again, I'm not 100% convinced it's theirs.) I'm saying this about how they left clues that someone broke into the This proves that they are NOT a mindless, vengeful husk.

HOW DID THEY MAKE THE FOUNTAIN WITHOUT THE SOUL INSIDE OF THEM. DID THEY FEED THE SOUL TO IT AFTERWARDS? IS THAT WHAT THAT WAS?

Another point I would like to make is my theory that Ralsei knows much more than he would have us believe. I might put this into a different post because I have yet to gather my points into a coherent bullet point list, so keep an eye out for that.

Anyway apart from Toriel and Susie being VERY heavy sleepers, I think I've gone through everything. I have a few theories.

1. Kris is possessed by the player and figured out that they could make a fountain from Queen and related to Spamton freaking out about freedom. They then decided to make a fountain going by the logic that "this would tick the player off." This is one of my top theories that assumes that the SOUL is theirs.

And 2. Kris is possessed by both the player and the knight. I think the formless voice at the very beginning of the game is the knight, and they somehow needed the player to possess someone with DETERMINATION. If so, then why Kris? We know from Queen that Noelle and Susie, and maybe even Berdley also have DETERMINATION. The most plausible thing I can think of is the fact that human souls are stronger than monster ones.

I do think that the popular theory (about the one that suggests that the Dark Word is nothing but a figment of a child's imagination, and the events that occur in said Dark World are simply children playing with toys) has been thoroughly dashed due to Berdley's murder in the genocide route of the second chapter. Unless he's not dead. Regardless, how the events (or lack thereof) that occur in the second chapter play through the next will be interesting, especially considering Toby's announcement about how there will be one ending to the game. So either Berdley isn't dead, or he will be.

Aaaand I think that's it! Sorry for the long post; let me know your thoughts and if I missed anything!

#deltarune #deltarune chapter 2 #deltarune theory #deltarune theories #deltarune chapter two theory #deltarune chapter two theories #snowgrave #pipis route #deltarune snowgrave #video games #indie game #deltarune spoilers #ralsei #kris #susie #undertale #sans

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eretzyisrael · 3 years

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Lama Al-Manar, 36, doesn't remember what she put into the small bag she was carrying when she stepped into a Red Crescent ambulance, other than medical documents. She doesn't remember the last words her husband, who was riding with her, said to her before they separated at the Erez crossing. She doesn't know whether he followed them with his gaze when she walked toward the crossing and passed from the Gaza Strip to Israel, where a Magen David Adom ambulance was waiting for her.

From the moment she left Shifa Hospital that afternoon, until she arrived at Sheba Medical Center at Tel Hashomer some five hours later, Lima's eyes never left the incubator that was holding her son, Abdullah, 2.5 months old, whose tiny body was receiving oxygen.

She also wouldn't have remembered what day it was if they hadn't explained how lucky she had been. It was Monday, May 10, 2021, the day on which Operation Guardian of the Walls against Hamas infrastructure in Gaza began. The ambulance that brought her and her son to Israel was the last allowed through Erez crossing before it was closed for 13 days.

Three children are waiting for her at home. Two years ago, she gave birth to a stillborn child, and when she became pregnant for the fifth time, she was eager for the new baby to bring joy back to the home. But Abdullah was born two months prematurely with a complicated heart defect and Lamaand her husband realized they would need to fight for his life.

"I was afraid. His condition wasn't good," Lama says. "He lost weight, and his breathing and other parameters slowed. I prayed to God to heal him. To fight for his little life. A doctor at Shifa Hospital recommended that we send him to Israel for treatment. My husband reached out to the Shevet Achim organization to help us get him there."

Thursday afternoon, the 11th day of the Gaza campaign. The radio reports a rocket alert in Ashkelon, and then a direct hit on a residential building. We arrive at the parking structure attached to the labor ward at Sheba Medical Center, which is next to the Edmond and Lily Safra Children's Hospital. The children's ICU was transferred here on the fifth day of the fighting for fear of rocket hits.

We go down one floor. After walking through the gray halls lined with oxygen tanks at the ready, we encounter a colorful sign decorated with a drawing of a sun and a kite: "Protected Children's ICU." Reality stays outside. In the parking structure, which was filled with cars the previous week, there are 40 small beds. Each one takes up two parking places, and holds a small baby who is hooked up to medical equipment. Nearby is a treatment station, a computer, and a lounge chair for adults.

The beds are separated by flowered curtains that were hung on the metal pipes that line the parking garage's ceiling. No one closes the curtains. There are also hanging screens that are attached to monitors that fill the space with dim beeping.

In the center of the improvised unit are a dialysis cart and another cart that holds equipment for chest drainage. Sometimes, a baby's cry can be heard. It is weak, and starts and stops quickly.

Over bed No. 26 a sign reads: "Abdullah Al-Manar. Date of birth: Feb. 26, 2021. Weight: 1.6 kg (3.52 pounds)." Lamasits on the chair and watches Shani, the nurse, take off Abdullah's cloth diaper, exposing a large incision that runs from his chest to his belly. Shani changes the dressing, rubs cream on it, puts his medicine into the IV bag attached to his small arm, and covers him gently.

In the next bed lies three-month-old Rana, who is recovering from her third open heart surgery, which she underwent two days earlier. On the left is Yazen, a month old, who had a catheterization.

Dr. Evyatar Hubara, 43, a senior doctor on the unit, moves from bed to bed. He slept three hours the night before due to the number of cases.

"The three children from Gaza suffer from complicated heart defects," Hubara explains. "They came to us in serious condition, among other reasons because it took time from when the problem was diagnosed in Gaza until their transfer to us could be coordinated, all the permits received, and that's without changing ambulances at Erez and the bumpy journey. Right now, all three are in an acute stage. We still haven't gotten to the rehabilitation state, which will begin here and continue in Gaza," he says.

Hubara stops by Abdullah's bed and looks at him warmly. "Abdullah was born prematurely and was incorrectly diagnosed in Gaza. The doctors … performed the wrong operation on him when he was two months old. A week after the operation, he began to decline, and a week after that he reached us. In the first few hours we needed to stabilize him and keep his blood pressure steady with medication.

"We started to look into the problem. We did an MRI and other tests. Before every stage, we explained to his mother what we were going to do. She trusted us from the beginning. After we stabilized him, we found that the true defect he was suffering from was an aortic valve stenosis. It turned out that in Gaza they had tried to close the ductus, but closed one of the main arteries by mistake.

"In the insane Israeli reality, we had to protect ourselves against rockets from Gaza along with the babies who come from here," he says.

"I remember one siren that caught me on the unit, before we moved to the parking structure. All the mothers, Jewish and Arab, just grabbed their babies – the ones that weren't hooked up to machines – and ran to a safe space. I shouted, 'We have time, 90 seconds, go slowly so you won't fall with the kids.' Everyone gathered around in the safe space. Staff members and patients, Jews and Arabs together. The shocking sight of the mothers who ran there with their babies doesn't leave me," Hubara recalls. Not all the mothers were able to take their babies to a safe space. Abdullah, Rana, and Yazen, as well as another 12 Israeli babies, are on respiratory equipment, and they were unprotected during the first rocket alerts. This is why the hospital administration decided to move the entire department from the sixth floor to the underground parking garage. Here, the sirens can't even be heard.

We go with Lama, Raida, and Samira into the staff room, located at the exit. The room has a big refrigerator full of popsicles donated to the children and the staff who care for them. Every few minutes, a parent or a staff member comes in and takes one.

About a year ago, when the COVID pandemic was still raging in Israel, a COVID unit opened in this same parking structure to ease the mass of patients that was overwhelming the hospitals. That event seems like ancient history, and the only thing that remains of it are the letters of thanks stuck to the door. It seems as if this is the last place in the country where people are careful to wear masks, and wear them properly.

The three Gaza women are embarrassed. They aren't used to being interviewed. All three are wearing abayas, long dresses that include head coverings, as well as hijabs and surgical masks. Since they arrived in Israel, they have been sleeping here, on the unit, in the recliner chairs next to their children's beds. They are also given meals. Once every few days, they allow themselves to go upstairs and shower. None of them speaks any language other than Arabic, with the exception of a few words of Hebrew or English. Moshe Ravid, 26, a nursing student from Jaffa and a volunteer with the Shevet Achim organization, translates.

Raida (Umm Ahmad), 48, is from Khan Younis. She is Rana's grandmother, a housewife and mother of six.

"My daughter-in-law, Rana's mother, came to Israel with her in February, two weeks after she was born," she says. "After two weeks, she was tired and not feeling well. Because she has a four-year-old at home, she called me and asked me to switch with her. She went back to Gaza, and since then, I've been here. Three months already. This is my first time in Israel."

Q: Were you afraid?

"No, why should I be afraid? My husband worked in Bat Yam for 20 years. Every day, he went from Gaza to Bat Yam, until the disengagement in 2005. After that, he found work in Gaza. He told me that there are good people in Israel, that everyone here is all right."

Abdullah's mother Lama, 36, is wearing a brown abaya accessorized with a shining silver star. Her smartphone has a pink cover. She works in a laboratory, and her husband is a producer for Palestinian television in Gaza. She has two other sons, 11 and six, at home, as well as a three-and-a-half-year-old daughter.

"My mother had cancer. She went to Israel to be treated, and recovered," Lama says. "She told me that everything is good here. When Abdullah's condition got worse, the doctor recommended that we come to Israel. My husband reached out to Shevet Achim. Now he and my mother are watching the three other kids at home."

Q: What do you tell your families about what is happening here?

Lama: "They're afraid for us, and we're afraid for them. When they call to hear how we are, I answer, 'Al Hamdullah,' so they won't be scared and worry, and when I call to ask how they are, they say the same thing. We talk about the boy, how he ate, how much he ate, how much he slept. "I tell them that the doctors here are good, that they treat us well, answer all our questions. I tell them that the food is excellent, that the women have nice clothes, about their hairstyles. I like the fashion in Israel, and the grilled chicken breast and salad they serve at the hospital."

Raida: "The medical staff thinks only about the children – whether their condition has improved, what they ate, how they slept. We sit next to their beds, don't know how they'll be from one moment to the next, whether they'll get better at all."

Q: Do they send you pictures of the strikes on Gaza?

"They send me pictures of the special Ramadan sweets," Raida answers, with a smile.

Samira, 62, is the grandmother of Yazen, who is only a month old. "I have nine grown children, and my son has four children other than Yazen. Their mother needs to take care of them, so they asked me to accompany the child. At home, when we talk about Israel, we only talk about the medical treatment we want to get here."

Moshe, the translator, tells them in Arabic not to be frightened, that they can speak freely. They all answer at once: "We aren't afraid, we're speaking honestly. Everyone wants peace. We want it to be all right."

Samira: "Inshallah, things will calm down. We aren't dealing with politics."

Q: What did you do when people in Gaza fired rockets toward this area?

Raida: "What everyone else did. The nurses took us to a safe place. The babies stayed on the unit, hooked up to respirators. I was worried about them, that they were alone, but everyone calmed us down, said that it would all be fine."

Lama: "We tried to talk to the other people in the safe area, without understanding one another. Everyone wants to know how the other's child is doing. He's sorry about my son, and I'm sorry about his."

Q: Did your families leave their homes because of the airstrikes?

Raida: "No. Everyone is in his own home."

Q: Are any of your family members involved in the fighting?

All three shake their heads, no. "Not everyone in Gaza enlists in the army," Raida says. "My husband worked in Israel. Half of Gaza used to work in Israel. You must have seen the workers who would come from Gaza."

Samira: "My father and my husband used to work in Israel."

Q: When are you going home?

Raida's eyes fill with tears. "Rana's chest is still open from the last surgery. I'm sitting with you and laughing, but my heart is crying. So I'm telling you that my every thought is for the baby. That's our situation."

Lama: "Today, Dr. Evytar said that Abdullah has an infection in his right lung, which was good. Until now he had one in his left lung. I hope it works out. I'll go back to Gaza when he gets better, but I don't know when."

Hospital Director Dr. Itai Pessach says that every year, the center treats about 500 children from Gaza and another 2,700 children from the Palestinian Authority. "They range in age from a week to 18. Some of the children arrive through the Shevet Achim organization, and others through our own coordinator."

"During the last military operation, our doctor colleagues in Gaza reached out to us about children in serious condition, and we fought to bring them to Israel during the operation. Unfortunately, we didn't succeed, and that's very sad. I'm happy we're getting back to normal," Pessach says.

According to Pessach, "we don't see any difference between a child who comes from Gaza, Nablus, or Tiberias. Our treatment looks at all the child's needs, including emotional needs and school work at the school that operates on the hospital grounds. A year ago, a nine-year-old boy with cancer arrived from Gaza who didn't know how to read and write. He returned to Gaza last month, after a year-long hospitalization, healthy and knowing how to read and write in Hebrew, Arabic, and even English."

Q: How did the patients respond to this during the Gaza fighting?

"A family from Gaza arrived two days before the operation started, and we diagnosed their son with a rare disease, one that only seven children in Israel have. By chance, two rooms away there was a Haredi family with a child who had been diagnosed with the same disease two months ago. While the rockets were falling, the Haredi mother insisted on meeting the mother from Gaza and teaching her everything she knew about the disease and how to treat it."

"There is a truly shared fate here. They feel that they're fighting against something bigger than rockets. To get better, a patient needs to feel secure, and that's what we're doing. A hospital is a home for all the patients.

"I'm happy to say that the external tensions didn't creep into the work. There was no tension between the staff and the patients. The good of the patient always comes before everything else. Even at administration meetings – everyone put aside their own political views and we managed to provide a quality medical response and protect the safety of the staff and patients," Pessach says.

The funding for the Gaza children's treatment comes mainly from donors – mostly American Christians, and some Israelis.

"Saving the life of the child is an entire world," says Jonathan Miles, founder of Shevet Achim. Miles arrive in Israel from the US in the 1990s, as a journalist, and started to volunteer with the group Christian Friends of Israel.

"We welcomed Russian immigrants to Israel. We wanted them to understand that the Jewish people have friends in the world. One day a mother from Ukraine whose child's life was in danger came to me. She had no money for medical treatment, and she begged me to help. I started raising money to help him. Wizo helped a lot, as did other people, both Jews and Christians.

"After that, I heard about sick babies in Gaza, and in 1994 I founded the organization. We bring children from Muslim states to Israel for treatment."

Amar Shami, 32, who coordinates the transfer of children from Gaza to Israel for Shevet Achim, lives in Jerusalem.

"The families who go back to Gaza tell each other about the treatment in Israel," he says. "One mother tells another. When the child has a problem, they reach out to me. Sometimes the doctors reach out directly." Q: What goes through your mind while you're busy providing treatment and rockets are flying outside?

"Inside the hospital, we detach. We only want to help them. When you go out you realize that reality is different. We hope that when the families from Gaza go home, they will sort of be our emissaries, say good things about Israel."

The night that the ceasefire between Israel and Hamas took effect, Rana's heart stopped beating, despite the doctors' best efforts. Her grandmother, Raida, left the hospital weeping. She was driven to a Shevet Achim apartment in Jaffa. When Erez crossing opened, she returned to Gaza with Rana's coffin.

#Israel #Gaza #Israeli Hospitals

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needtobreathe-throughsmoke · 3 years

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By James Shotwell

Love is a rebellious act. Anyone can light a fire or throw a punch, but not everyone is comfortable being vulnerable. Love requires vulnerability. More than anything else, love demands that we position ourselves to be hurt over and over again. Some would claim that such decisions are a sign of insanity, but anyone who has ever known true love will tell you that it's always worth the risk. The warmth of a loving embrace is perhaps the most comforting force on this planet. To be seen and accepted for who you are rather than what you hope others believe you to be is the most empowering experience in life.

NEEDTOBREATHE understand risk. For the better part of two decades now, the South Carolina rock band has consistently challenged themselves and their fans to be more transparent. Their songs rip open every scar and suture we use to hide our weakest moments and worst traits in hopes of bringing understanding and empathy into the world. For them, building community is everything, and the only way to forge a foundation of lasting bonds is through unwavering truth. They ask listeners to find comfort in being themselves and demand they make spaces for others to do the same. As Kurt Cobain would say, “Come as you are.”

“Into the Mystery,” the lead single off NEEDTOBREATHE's eighth studio album of the same name, finds the road-weary group recommitting themselves to their purpose. It's a love song written for anyone who needs to feel less alone. Some will undoubtedly interpret the lyrics as a cry to Christ or God or some higher power, but I don't feel such connections are necessary. A savior is anyone or anything that reaches through the fog of fear and discomfort to make you feel like you belong. It's not about some physical form that rushes into bad times and saves you as it is a feeling you get when you know you can breathe easy, even if only for a moment. As the lyrics describe:

Love is not a cage, love is not a path

Love's a steady hand waiting for the storm to pass

You loved me then when you needed me

But will you still when it's not so easy

Growing up, I always idolized my grandfather. He was a Presbyterian preacher who spent most of his life doing good deeds for the communities that welcomed him. There was no potluck, fundraiser, wedding, funeral, or graduation party he would not attend. If someone lost their spouse, he made sure they were fed and cared for as long as it took for them to process their grief. If someone needed a man of faith to oversee their wedding, he was their man. He would put the world before himself and never think twice. For him, acts of service were his purpose. He knew that making people feel like they were a part of something bigger than themselves was of the utmost importance.

I remember countless days where I watched as my grandfather welcomed a revolving door of people into his home and office for the sole purpose of offering them comfort. I never really knew what they were going through, and I got the sense that he didn't either, but it didn't matter. People were suffering. They had money problems, romantic entanglements, demanding children, and unruly relatives. Some had received news from their doctors that things were never going to get better. Others didn't even know what was wrong, but they could not shake the feeling that nothing would ever be good ever again. Maybe my grandfather couldn't always give them what they wanted, but he gave them what they needed. Sometimes, just being there is enough.

You don't need God to believe in the power of community. A shared belief in an omnipresent being certainly helps create spaces where people can gather and share, but it's not a requirement. All that you need is a willingness to be vulnerable with strangers. To find within yourself the strength to accept others as they are and to admit the things you are not. If you can shake loose from the shackles of whatever lies you tell yourself to avoid getting to the heart of what makes you tick, then you can find yourself surrounded by others who feel just as lost as you, and through that shared understanding, beautiful things can unfold.

I don't know everything the members of NEEDTOBREATHE believe, but I know they recognize the tremendous power of music. Their songs are open calls to people in need of something. They are moments in time committed to tape for the sole purpose of providing comfort in a world of endless chaos and heartache. Like a letter from someone that you haven't seen in ages, "Into The Mystery" is a reminder that we are never truly alone as long as we have songs. We are always just a few clicks or gestures on a stereo away from feeling the sonic embrace of people who, like you and I, are doing their best to make sense of something nobody in the history of humankind has been able to comprehend.

To end here without acknowledging that sometimes a song or album isn't enough would downplay the sense of longing and isolation that many of us feel. When those times arise, I recall a passage from mindfulness leader Ram Dass that I recently had tattooed onto my right arm. He believed that what often weighs us down is our obsession over everything other than what is happening right now. We are worried about what will happen next week or overthinking actions from the past. Ram Dass found that the best cure for these moments of anxiety is to reset yourself. As he wrote in his iconic work Be Here Now:

Ask yourself: Where am I?

Answer: Here.

Ask yourself: What time is it?

Answer: Now.

Say it until you can hear it.

We control so very little of our lives that it is astounding any of us make it through any given day without total catastrophe befalling us. We are infinitesimally tiny creatures on a small blue ball suspended in infinite space that is constantly expanding. There may be life beyond our planet, but it doesn't matter because most of us don't even know our neighbors. We are painfully alone in almost every way you can measure such a thing, and yet our spirits endure immeasurable hardship because that is what humans have always done. The only moments of relief we get are when we gather and connect through whatever means are available to us. In those moments, we are fully alive in the present, and that is where I want you to exist.

We are sons and daughters

We are flesh and dust

We are pulled from the wreckage

We are not alone

We are lovers broken

We are vicarious dreams

We are tumbling in space out of control

Into the mystery

If you feel alone right now, please know that I, too, will follow you into the mystery. Who knows? It may be the adventure of a lifetime.

A serious question

Someone recently asked me if I had any long-term goals for my newsletter. The question honestly left me a bit speechless. As much as I may have made a career out of writing, I have never been one to know where I was going from one moment to the next. The fact I've written nearly a dozen of these over the last year is nothing short of a miracle. I like to believe that I will continue writing for as long as I have thoughts to share, but I am genuinely surprised every time a new idea strikes.

I had to tell you that quick story so that you understood the following thought. I don't know what will become of this newsletter in six months or a year, but I want the stories and perspectives I share here to exist outside these emails. My solution is to gather together every essay I've written over the last 2 to 3 years and release them in a tangible, physical form. I want you to be able to hold my words close to your heart. I want to gather dust on your bookshelf.

With that in mind, I'm asking: Would you buy a collection of my writing? I know money is hard to come by for many of you, so I'm thinking of creating a zine or short-run paperback that will cost $10 or less. It's not about making money for me. I would probably donate the revenue to a nonprofit. As much as I want to make a career out of my creativity, part of me believes that communicating thoughts and ideas should be a pure act. If I start doing it for the money, then I've already lost my way.

So — let me know! Do you want a book of my essays in your home?

#needtobreathe #bear rinehart #seth bolt #josh lovelace #randall harris #into the mystery #James shotwell #article #tyler burkum

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afrocentric-divination · 5 years

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Hi! I've paid. I've been wanting to get a reading from you for a minute. I don't have a boo or anything because in the past I've pretty much just ended up isolating myself from relationships to work and make money. I'm currently transition to a job that better on all fronts, but I may have missed out on some things. So I guess my question is romantically what is going on with me? I'm typically good at getting what I want, but this evades me.

Hey love, thank you for ordering! I’m so glad you decided to let me read for you 🖤

So first off, this reading as a couple of positions and a couple of "free" cards or cards that I interpret intuitively about what their meaning is. Throughout the reading, I will let you know what cards are for what and their position.

The Relationship Now - 2 of Wands

This card is a wonderful card to start with, as you have already mentioned that you are not in a relationship right now, but with this card, it says that there is work being done on both sides. You and this other person are actively thinking about love, even if it leads to dead ends and while it seems tiring to keep going and pursue something that seems like it doesn't align with your life, you both still take a chance every day to keep your heart a little bit open for the other to finally walk in your life. This card is also an encouraging one, telling to keep your head up. That eventually, you will gain the love you seek and that you still have a few steps to take to get what you desire. Some work with yourself needs to happen (and with this other person as well) before a foundation can start, but know that your love is coming. Don't give up hope just yet.

You - 9 of Pentacles, 8 of Swords, Wheel of Fortune

These cards are the “Free” cards as well as the next set of cards below. These cards talk about you and this other potential person and what is going on in you all’s life.

There is confidence and there is a material life that is comfortable. You are able to get what you need and sometimes what you want. You are happy where you are in regards to your work life and you might even have a stable group of friends and loved ones that support you at all times. In the physical world, it seems like you go it all together, with how you present yourself and how you connect with others. But its the complete opposite in your mind. Your thoughts are always jumbled, they're always going, and it's hard to make sense of how you feel. You may feel from time to time but your mind always over thinks things and it becomes confusing for you to understand who you are and where you stand, regardless of how the outside looks. This unsureness is something that may have gotten in the way of past relationships, something that blocked you from the other persona in what ultimately made the other person frustrated with you. When asked the simple but loaded question, "How do you feel," you could never really answer, or you always used the go-to answer, "I'm good," or, "I'm fine." Over time, you never telling your feelings as you should in a relationship led to you not telling your jumbled thoughts to you not saying anything. The silence then became overshadowing, taking over the relationship and what pushed past lovers away in the end.

That second half was all from the 8 of Swords, but the good things about that card are that it is possible to get out of the problem you have created in your head and ultimately, creating in your real world. And it's really simple. You have to just talk. Tell people how you feel even when you're not certain. Let them into your world and take them on a ride of how your mind works. Opening yourself up is making yourself vulnerable, and while having a perfect a relationship sounds great, it is not realistic. What is realistic is sometimes crying on the shoulder of a loved one because you're confused, or walking back and forth ranting because a relative goes on your nerves, or weighing your options out loud so they know where you stand. You don't have to be as sure and stable in your mind as your public life seems to be. But just like your active in your public life, and active in your mentality, be active in connecting with other mentalities, as connections lead to relationships.

Try practicing with your friends or relatives, as I have a feeling you've also been putting up a facade with them too. Yes, it's going to be nerve racking but if you can't be true to yourself and to the people who love you platonically, how are you to be true to a person you're connected to romantically?

The Wheel of Fortune then let you know that a change is coming. A continuation of the "Relationship Now" card. Just because things are going the way you want them to, doesn't mean that things are going anywhere. You just have to keep riding the wave, keep building yourself and your life. Eventually, you will get to what you seek as the universe hears you. They know what you want Just let them set it up so that it can happen. Eventing doesn't just happen overnight.

Them - 3 of Swords, 8 of Swords, 3 of Cups

These cards are a description of who you possible next lover will be, the one you wish to have a long last relationship with. There is a possibility that you may know this person already, or you might have never seen them a day in your life. Either way, you have to keep your heart open and your eyes even more open.

First, it is obvious that they are coming out of a relationship of their own. A relationship where there were a couple of daggers thrown, and it ended hurting one person more than the other. Words were said, and maybe someone did something that they regretted, but in the end, they had to move on. To them they things kept piling up and getting worse, and they knew it would be better to leave and be sane than to go almost insane trying to mend a relationship that won't last. With this kind of intro, you have to know that the potential love of your life has some trauma with them, some sadness that they held onto, some anger that they probably haven't let go of, and confusion of their own. They will have a wall up, and will slightly resemble you. When you meet them and listen to what they have to say or how they carry on the conversation, it will almost be like looking in the mirror. Just like a person has to be careful with you and listen more than talk back with you because you rarely open up your mind, you will have to b careful with them. Their heart has been damaged and they will not be so inclined to be with you or with anyone romantically.

This is my turn to warn you. Don't be persistent. You are initiating this connection, yes, and you're trying to everything you can to always have a healthy one, but have a healthy relationship with someone means having a healthy relationship with yourself and with boundaries. Don't push them to open with you when they don't want to right away. Show that you're around and that you're always open to hang out, but leave when they show that they don't want to be bothered. A relationship should not be stressed, especially in the beginning. Don't force what isn't there. But, when they do decide to come around, be open to them. Be aware of your limitation as well as their's.

The last card, the 3 of Cups kind of gives a glimpse of where you both might meet at. A party meeting? A gathering? A club? A lounge? A place with all of your friends? Wherever it is, there will be a crowd, you will be enjoying yourself, and you may be even celebrating, hence the party or party like atmosphere.

How Could This Relationship Be? - 8 Of Wands

This relationship can really take off the way you've always wished. It could be exciting, it could be fun, it could be eye-opening. I see travel as being one of the big things between the 2 of you. You guys might end up experiencing the world together, trying new things all the time and being adventurous, even if that means doing so in the comfort of your own town or own state. Every day will never be dull and from the night out to a lazy Sunday evening. You will both encourage the others to always do their best and will never let the other person talk down on themselves. You both know what it means to be confused and unsure in your own respects, and will wish to carry out this relationship as clearly as possible. Nothing will be held back, and if something isn't said at the moment, it will be said later on. A beautiful way to carry out a relationship.

How Can You Get To How Things Could Be? - Emperor

Control. You need control of your thoughts, control of your emotions, and control in your actions. And let me set things clear, I'm not asking you to be perfect in everything you do, but I am asking you to be sure, to be stable, to be methodical. Do not hold yourself back because things are scary. Ride with those feeling of uncertainty and stand tall in your uncertainty. You seem so confident to everyone you come across, learn to hold that same energy within yourself when your alone and when you're in a romantic situation. Vulnerable is incredibly sexy and when given to the right person and give life a beautiful relationship. Don't hold yourself back from what could have been because of your afraid of who you are. Be firm in your power. Even when you're not sure exactly what that power is.

I wish you the best of luck love!

Once again, thank you for ordering, and I hope my words resonated with you. If you have question or concerns please don’t hesitate to PM me.

And for anyone else wanting a reading like this one, know that I have Special February Love Readings going on until the end of the month! Information on those readings are here. Have any questions or concerns? PM me and I will get to you as soon as possible. Or click on the PRICES link below. Until then!

🔮 – PRICES - PAST READINGS - PAYPAL - VENMO - CASHAPP - FACTS & TERMS – 🔮

#tarot #divination #witchcraft #afro witch #black witch #afroreadings #foul-weatherfriend

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lifeisdabubbles-undersalmondean · 3 years

Text

La Pomme ~ Chapter 12

Pairing: Sam x OC (eventual Dean x OC and Dean x Castiel. And I mean eventual.)

Series summary: George is a casual French-Mistake-universe Supernatural fan living in no-COVID 2020, who's life is upended when she's suddenly launched between realities, two years into the boys' past (S13E22). What begins as an insane, immersive fan experience turns into more when Jack goes missing and George offers up her AU information to help track him down. Soon it's discovered that she and Sam may actually have history. But that's impossible, right?

Word Count: 5,500

Warnings: {smut, fluff, angst, show level violence, swearing, mentions of suicide} ***Detailed warnings will be tagged for specific chapters.

A/N: Following the events of my prequel Paradise and second story From My Eyes Off. Reading those first gives context but isn’t necessary to start this one.

~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~

George was lounging in the warm bath water, trying to use breathing exercises to clear her mind and calm herself. It had been a long day, capping off a long almost-month inside the Supernatural Universe. There were so many questions she couldn't answer and she wished she could turn her brain off; focus on anything else.

"George?" She heard Dean's muffled call from the other side of the bathroom door. "You OK in there?"

"Yea," She answered quietly. "Just humiliated," She added with an eye roll.

"Don't sweat it," Came his unusually sympathetic reply. "We've all been there, or somewhere similar… or somewhere worse," He added off handedly, taking another bite of pie. It occurred to him suddenly that the two of them were alone and Dean had a thought. After a moment's hesitation, he swallowed his bite of pie and called timidly, "George?"

"Yea?" She responded curiously, her voice raised slightly to compensate for the sound barrier. There was such a long pause with no answer that she wondered if it had just been her imagination. As she was about to call out again, she heard him finally.

"Can I ask you something?" Came an inquiry so quiet she almost didn't hear it. He sounded uncharacteristically troubled and… nervous?

"Yea, sure," She answered gently.

"What do you know about Michael?"

"Michael who?" Came her quick, confused reply.

"The archangel? Asshole that's been wearing me as a suit the last few weeks?" She was suddenly reminded of the fact that she was living inside of a TV show and it stunned her into silence. "That Michael? Has he not been on the show or...?" The nervous huff in his reply shook her out of her stupor. She realized this must be a hard topic for him. Unfortunately, though, she didn't have any insight to give.

"Oh fuck, right, Michael," She swallowed and gathered her thoughts before replying with a sigh, "I'm sorry, Dean, I don't really know much. I hadn't started this season yet," She finished apologetically.

"Thanks," Came a sarcastic reply.

She frowned and defended, "Look, I have a life, dude! I get behind, I can't always tune in every Thursday! Trust me, no one is more sorry about that than me right now. Maybe if I had, I could have done something to prevent this insane situation." A heavy sigh dotted the end of her sentence pointedly. Then she had a strange, disconcerting thought:

Would you really have prevented this from happening if you had a choice?

The thought startled her and she guiltily refused to answer herself.

A welcome distraction for her was noticing the silence that followed her answer to Dean; George could tell he was still concerned. Reaching over and grabbing the door handle, she cracked it just enough to spy Dean sitting on the edge of the mattress, holding a take out box. He glanced at her almost imperceptibly and she could tell her eyes weren't exactly welcome, so she turned her head away but left the door open.

"Here's what I've heard/seen on accident," She started, pausing to think and then saying carefully, "He comes back somehow," She heard him bristle but kept going, "And you do something to trap him. Some kind of box… or maybe a walk-in freezer?" She was trying to organize the spoilers she'd seen and identify what was related to Michael and what wasn't. "I know that doesn't make a lot of sense and I'm sorry, but that's all I've got."

Dean sighed and shrugged, "It's alright, George. I'm just… feeling lost. Was hoping for some clues, but it's not on you to save my bacon." George gave a wry smile to the bath water and sat quietly for a moment.

Finally she turned her head to look at him and asked, "You want to know what I do know, Dean?"

Slowly, he turned to look at her with an intrigued eyebrow, "I don't know, do I?"

With an amused eye roll she spoke, "I know this--right now--this story line with alternate Michael? It's two seasons behind where you and your brother end up in my reality. And--at least as far as I remember--this alternate Michael isn't a starring role for very long."

Dean furrowed his eyebrows at her in consideration, "Meaning?"

She shrugged and offered, "Meaning, you figure this out. Like you always do. You will figure this out and you will beat Michael and be onto the next big bad, whomever that is. Which, don't even ask because I really have no idea. Haven't watched those seasons at all yet… I think there's one episode where you meet Scooby Doo?"

Dean smirked and rolled his eyes, telling her matter-of-factly, "We already did that."

"No shit?! That already happened?" When he nodded in confirmation George 'ughed' loudly, rolling her eyes, "Damnit, that must have been one of the ones I just watched. What was it like?! Was Shaggy really high? Was Daphne really hot? Was Scooby just adorable?!"

Dean chuckled and answered, "Uh, yes, hell yes, and duh! It's Scooby Doo! Of course he's adorable!"

"Was it weird to be animated?"

He shrugged a little, "Eh, kin-"

She cut him off with a gasp, "Wait! Was all of you animated, like.. did you have all your-"

He shook his head and proclaimed, "That's none of your business!"

"Sorry!" George apologized defensively, then begged, "Tell me you and Daphne-"

"George!" Dean admonished with feigned offense, "I don't kiss and tell."

She scoffed and guessed, "Struck out, huh?"

Dean frowned and simply said, "Her and Fred are an item. I didn't want to break that up," to which George laughed in disbelief.

"Yea, I got it. I think things are starting to come back to me now," George teased him and he shrugged in defeat, unable to deny the fact that he definitely struck out with Daphne. When her laughter died away, she looked at him again and said, "I'm sorry I can't be more of a help. I know, I know, it's not my job to save you but that doesn't mean I enjoy not being able to." They were quiet again for a minute and she sighed, "If I could just call Ryan."

"Who's he?"

"She is my Winchester Wiki," She explained very matter of factly and Dean stared at her with an annoyed expression. With a smile she continued, "She's my friend and she's also a fan of the show; Got me back into it later in life and, well lets just say, she pays closer attention than I do. She'd be able to help you with this whole Michael problem without breaking a sweat. Oh and she's gorgeous," George tossed on and Dean raised a curious eyebrow. She caught his curious expression and asked, "You don't happen to have a phone with trans-universal long distance coverage by chance?"

Dean snorted and shook his head in bemused defeat, "Not on me." He was frustrated that she didn't have more insight on Michael, though somewhat comforted by the fact that-at least in her reality-he wasn't dead yet. That was something, he guessed.

"So," George smirked at him, glee in her eyes, "American's Next Top Model, hmm?"

"What, are you surprised? A house full of attractive models?" Dean gave her an obvious expression.

She shark-mouthed understandably and nodded, "Fair point. Allison cycle 12? Ooof. Hello!"

Dean considered her assessment for a moment, then nodded agreeably but offered, "Mercedes, cycle 2."

George had to remember who that was for a minute but then nodded emphatically, "Yes! Gorgeous and she was good. She ended up top three, right?"

They compared notes for a few minutes, until he finished the last bite of pie in the container he was holding. Then he whipped out his phone and muttered in her direction, "Finish your bath. I'm gonna text Sam for more towels."

When Sam got the text he snagged a pile from a housekeeping cart on their way back to George's room. They had also stopped by the car and brought up a few bags, per his request. Dean carefully handed George the towels through the bathroom door, so as to not accidentally see any bits, and then turned to Sam for a room update.

"Bad news: no adjoining rooms. The best I could do was five doors down. Even more bad news: only one queen bed." Sam held up the room key with a feigned wince. "But listen, I don't think we should leave George alone, so I'll just crash on the floor in here and you can take the room."

"Wow, what a sacrifice," Dean chuckled knowingly at his brother and snatched the key from him. "Shouldn't we have Cas handle it, though?"

"No, why?" Sam protested a little too fast.

"Because he doesn't need sleep. He can keep an eye on the little deserter. Make sure she doesn't do it again?"

Sam frowned, "She's not going to. And if she does, I think I can handle it. How is she supposed to get any sleep with Cas staring at her all night?"

"I don't stare at people when they sleep," Cas interrupted. With a huff he clarified, "I stare at the wall."

Dean looked at the offended angel and shrugged, "It's not that bad. He's quiet. Honestly, it's kind of comforting when you think about it." There was an awkward pause and Dean added, "Sometimes he'll sing for you if you ask nice-"

"Dean," Castiel admonished him for sharing something so intimate. Cas only did that for him.

Sam looked between the two of their sheepish faces and then assured sarcastically, "Yea, a singing angel staring at the wall in the dark. Totally not creepy."

George came out of the bathroom wrapped in the clean towels from Dean. She was now looking a little sheepish as well, "Hey, sorry about earlier. All of it. I jus-"

"Ah, ah, ah!" Dean held up a hand to her. "Save it for the morning. You can spill your guts over breakfast. We couldn't get adjoining rooms, so Cas and I will be just down the hall; Sam will stay with you tonight. On the floor," He said pointedly with a 'behave' look toward Sam, who rolled his eyes in irritation. George nodded, barely listening, and let out a tired sigh.

Then she had a startling thought and groaned, "Shit. I'm going to have to put those crusty clothes back on."

Dean grinned proudly, "You're not the only one with surprise gifts." He took the bags that Sam and Cas had retrieved from the car and set them down on the wooden table.

"What's this?" She asked, grabbing one of the handles and peeking into the bag where she spotted the Friends logo hoodie she'd picked out at Target. "My clothes? My deodorant?! Oh Dean! Thank you so much! I would kiss you but you have pie like… all over your face, but thank you!" As she dug into the bags to search for the PJs, Dean looked questioningly at Sam and Cas who nodded in confirmation.

"Why didn't you say anything?" Dean grumbled, moving over to the sink to wipe his face. Sam shrugged in feigned innocence, laughing internally at his idiot brother.

"How did you get all the clothes I picked?" She asked, impressed.

"We got lucky; Sam happened to hear one of the employees complaining about a nutty woman who'd run from the store like a bat outta hell and abandoned all her stuff," Dean gave her a pointed stare.

She looked first at Sam, and then Cas and Dean, with immense gratitude, "Thank you, thank you, thank you!" Her spirits had been lifted a little. The fresh underwear alone was going to make her feel a thousand times better.

"They mentioned they'd already put back one or two items when we asked about it, so hopefully we got the right replacements." Sam warned her.

"I don't care! I can apply deodorant and brush my teeth; I'm sure I can put together at least one clean outfit with what's here! So I'm hap-" She suddenly stopped and froze, having discovered a strange item in one of the bags. "Wha?" In one swift motion she pulled out a pale pink lace bodysuit and held it up for them to see. With an annoyed, yet curious expression she looked at Dean and asked, "Someone care to explain this?"

Dean held his hands up in innocence and Sam inspected the garment in confusion.

"It looked nice on the mannequin and the Target associate who helped me pick it out said it was bold, yet feminine. Perfect for the new woman in my life," Castiel happily explained, sounding as though he was reciting someone else's words.

George blushed a bit, looking at Sam and Dean like 'is he for real?', unsure how to respond. Both men shrugged unhelpfully, avoiding eye contact with the item she was still holding, and remained quiet. Cas seemed so proud, she didn't want to ruin it.

Finally, she stuttered out, "Wow. OK, well… thanks. Very thoughtful of you, Castiel…"

"If you wanted to provide me with your exact measurements, the sales associate offered to help me pick out a 'matching bra and panty se'-"

"OK, why don't we quit while we're ahead, eh Buddy?" Dean grabbed up four of the remaining takeout boxes and motioned for Cas to do the same. He then reached for the pink, lacey material in George's hand, jokingly trying to take it from her.

She swatted him with it and held it out of his reach, "Hey! You're the old woman in his life."

He couldn't help but laugh in response, though he shook his head in annoyance, and then headed out the door with the angel in tow, "See you crazy kids in the morning!"

When they left George looked at Sam curiously, "Is it wrong that I kind of want to give Cas 'my measurements' and then watch him try to pick out lingerie?"

Sam smirked in amusement but nodded, "Yes."

"Oh, you're no fun," George chuckled and tossed the teddy back into the bag.

"Perhaps the wrong audience?" He suggested with a chuckle.

"Yea, that's fair," She agreed. While she rifled through the bags and grabbed out some black PJ pants, a light blue, short sleeved t-shirt, and a pair of underwear, Sam watched her quietly. To say he was relieved to find her safe and unharmed was an understatement. He'd also been thrilled by her admission that she liked it here, but, like Cas, he was curious what it meant. And what it could mean for him.

Does she like it enough to stay maybe? He cursed at himself for even thinking it.

"Uh, George?" He finally pushed through the nerves and forced himself to speak.

"Hmm?" She responded curiously, not looking up from her bags just yet.

He tried to adopt a nonchalant, yet comforting tone and asked, "When you were saying earlier that you felt… comfortable here? Like you belong? What did you mean?"

Pausing her rummaging, she glanced over at him, caught off guard by the question. Truthfully, she didn't know if she could answer it. She was quiet for a long time, trying to decide how deep she wanted to get into this.

Finally, she turned to him and said, "Back home I… I've always had this strange, out of place feeling. Major dysphoria my whole life and kinda irritatingly painful too, like... full body restless leg syndrome. I've always imagined it similar to how a trans individual might experience feeling like they were born in the wrong body, ya know?" Sam made a noise of confirmation and she continued, "Except, my body is fine--well, it's not the cause of this problem anyway," they chuckled together.

"It's more… my whole being was wrong somehow, like I didn't belong. Anywhere. I had trouble connecting with people and making friends; even my own family seemed so different from me. I felt like I was on a different wavelength than other people, and not in a snooty, I'm-better-than-anybody way but like a sad, I-have-hardly-any-friends-because-I-can't-relate way, so it sucked. Hard. My family wasn't much help; though they tried to help by testing me for every 'disorder' you could think of. Nada. I was just… inexplicably different and no one could explain why. I could barely explain what I was feeling. They--my parents--were surprisingly relieved when I came out after college. For them, my 'struggle with the fact that I liked boys and girls throughout my childhood' explained everything away so perfectly, that they wrote it off right then and there. But it never had to do with that; my sexuality was nothing I ever struggled with, I just didn't feel like I needed to tell them. And since I'm still queer in this reality..." She trailed off her point, allowing him to fill in the blanks, with a chuckle.

Sam nodded with a sympathetic smile, clearly reading on her face how painful her experience had been. Gently he asked, "And now, being here, i-in this reality, you feel...?"

Her head tilted to the side and, looking at him wide-eyed, she sighed deeply, "Now? God, now, I feel… normal? Or, at least what I can only assume normal people feel like." Suddenly her voice was heavy with deep emotional relief, "I don't know how to explain it… and I don't know why, maybe I don't even care why, but I feel so good for the first time in forever. Emotionally, spiritually, physically... The constant restless buzzing is mercifully just gone. Sometimes I think I feel it again--that terrible, agonizing discomfort--and my heart skips a beat. But then my brain registers that it really is gone and I still feel good! And that feeling is almost better than the best sex I've ever had."

Sam shark-mouthed in surprised appreciation and teased kindly, "So, I guess you did know how to explain it?"

George let out the breath she hadn't realized she was holding with a chuckle and nodded, "Yea, I guess so. Honestly, I'm a little scared to go back," A few tears that had welled up as she was proselytizing spilled down her cheeks uncontrollably and she reached up to wipe them away, blushing lightly.

As George contemplated her admission in the silence, the guilt she felt over leaving them earlier was back. Why the hell did she leave if she'd felt so damn good here? She also felt like a stupid, impulsive child running away from the only people who seemed to care about her, at least insofar as they didn't want her to die. She felt especially guilty that Sam had stuck his neck out for her with Dean and she'd basically stomped on it.

Sam stood awkwardly, watching her with an empathetic grimace. He nearly leapt over to comfort her but… Christ, was this situation complicated. Maybe if things were different, maybe if she wasn't safer in her old reality, maybe if they hadn't handcuffed her to a chair and interrogated her, maybe if she hadn't spent the last few hours crying through an existential crisis, maybe if he wasn't terrified she would push him away in disgust? Maybe if she wasn't practically naked right now... maybe then he wouldn't feel so torn about walking over and wrapping her up into a bear hug.

After a moment of nervously wringing her fingers, George met his eyes and took a deep breath, apologizing, "I'm sorry I ran, Sam. I don't even really know why I-"

"Hey, you don't have to explain anything to me," Sam shook his head definitively, taking a few small steps toward her, now within arms reach. "I understand what you're going through-sort of, and you know, in reverse but still-I get it. Don't worry about it," He reached over and took her hand, squeezing it, "I'm just happy I found you."

At his touch, her heart skipped a beat and she felt her whole body flush, goosebumps forming on her skin. The sincerity in his voice and the look in his eyes nearly made her physically swoon. Was that an admission of something or just a subtextless statement of forgiveness? Staring into his eyes made her feel like she was on the downswing of the world's tallest roller coaster. She had to force herself to break eye contact before she could breathe again. He squeezed her hand once more before slowly letting go and as he did she had a realization.

"Thank you." Mustering up a smile through her butterflies, she clumsily grabbed the clothing she needed. "Anyway, I'm suddenly very, very aware of the fact that I'm naked-oh and have been since the three of you got here," She realized, blushing again. Jesus, I took a bath with Dean Winchester in the next room. Her legs felt like jelly as she tried to remain cool, calm, collect, walking toward the bathroom, "Uh, so, I should probably go put some clothes on, now."

Sam nodded understandingly and said with an earnest expression, "Hopefully not on my account." When George froze mid step and jerked her head towards him, burning red from head to toe, he faltered, "Er-uh-I just meant, you don't need to feel uncomfortable naaak-err-without-I mean you aren't making me uncomfortable while-without… clothes." George was relaxed by his shy, adorable stuttering, although at this point 'shy' surprised her. He'd been just as bold back at the bunker, more than once. He sighed and gave her a meek smile, "Uh, somehow this sounded less creepy in my head."

With a chuckle she put him out of his misery, "Relax, Ravenclaw, I understand. It's not on your account, it's on mine," She assured him, to which he nodded thankfully, a relieved expression on his face. She turned back to the door of the bathroom, pushing it open and stepping in.

When she exited the bathroom again, now fully clothed, the only light in the room was now the small, soft light above the bed. At first, the room seemed empty and George wondered if she'd scared Sam away with all her emotions. She was about to call out for him when she finally noticed a pair of big old feet sticking out from along the side of the bed near the window.

"Sam? What are you doing?" She walked over and found him lying on the ground on top of one solitary blanket.

"Just relaxing." He shrugged boyishly.

"On the floor?"

He clarified, "On my bed."

"Sorry, this tissue paper is supposed to be your bed?" She asked for clarification.

"Standard issue motel comforter. And, yea, it's perfect," He reached down on his side and pulled the right side of the blanket over himself. "See, you just fold the top over and it becomes a mattress and a blanket in one!" He seemed genuinely pleased about his makeshift accommodations, as though he was sharing a trade secret with her.

"Wow," she tried to sound impressed, "clever." She hopped onto the bed above him complimenting a bit sarcastically, "Quite the boy scout, aren't you?"

His head jerked up to look at her. There it was again. Another line direct from his dream falling familiarly from her lips. Hearing the pet name conjured images in his mind of the dream woman saying it. It felt identical.

But, how? That dream wasn't real. It was just Gabriel. George is a different woman, it's just a coin-

"Hey, can I ask you something?" George cut into his internal panicking with a soft voice suddenly.

"Yep?" He tried to seem nonchalant.

"Well… OK, I'm just going to say this because fuck it, I have nothing to lose at this point," She wasn't looking at him but sensed his nervous curiosity right away. Ignoring her own butterflies, she said, "Seems to me that the Sam I met at the bunker would have committed to that earlier 'unintended' innuendo." She raised a sideways brow at him, checking out of the corner of her eye to make sure he understood what she was referencing. When she could tell he did, she finally turned her head to meet his eyes and with a shy smile asked, "So, what gives?"

Sam considered her question for a minute; he wasn't sure where to start. Finally he folded his hands in his lap and shrugged sadly, "Actually, uh-about that, I feel like I owe you an apology."

Oooh, that doesn't sound good, George tried to hide her grimace. Her stomach started twisting in painful knots. What's that you were saying about nothing to lose?

"Por que?" She was trying to stave off a cold sweat.

"For… Well, I guess, how about handcuffing you to a chair and interrogating you for starters? For allowing you to be sexually assaulted by a demon? For letting you risk your life to come with us on this hunt? For hitting on you when you were obviously going through a difficult time? Take your pick."

She let out a breath of surprised relief and smiled curiously, "Oh… well in that case, let me just say: one, your brother was the one who handcuffed me to the chair--and it was understandable. Two, it's not your responsibility to protect me from the likes of Tim. He wasn't the first creep and he won't be the last." He seemed thoroughly unsatisfied by that response, so she tried to lighten it up by continuing, "And three, you didn't let me come on the hunt. Clearly I strong armed you." A tiny snort of amusement emitted from him and she smirked, then added curiously, "And, lastly, just to be clear… you were hitting on me?"

He huffed in humiliation, running his hand over his face, unable to look at her, "God, I feel like a real jackass." A blackhole was growing in the pit of his stomach. "Your world was literally turned upside down and you needed help not--not some weird, bunker dwelling asshole making advances."

"Uh, Sam," At first George laughed; the absurdity of the hottest man on television apologizing for hitting on her struck her funny bone. However, when it registered just how sober the tone of his voice was, the reality of the situation hit her again like a ton of bricks. She realized that part of her was still anticipating Jared to break at some point and reveal all of this had been an elaborate set up. It hadn't occurred to her yet that, for Sam, this was all real. His sincerity touched her.

She swallowed down the rest of her laughter, along with her typical smartass response, and smiled kindly, "Thank you for the apology and I appreciate the thought, I really do, but it's not necessary. You had no idea, considering I lied to you--which I'm also sorry about if I haven't already said that." That last part came out quickly upon realizing she might not have apologized yet. He gave her a kind smile and waved her off gently, so she continued, "So, please don't feel guilty. And I'll let you know if your advances are ever unwanted. Promise."

The deja vu hit him again so hard it knocked the wind out of him. His eyes snapped up to meet hers from his spot on the floor. A blush creeped across her cheeks as he stared curiously. She was back on the roller coaster, butterflies tumbling in her gut, but forced herself to keep eye contact, allowing him to conduct his search. She wasn't sure what he was so determinedly looking for but she hoped he was finding it.

A mix of emotions wrestled within him at the moment. Though he knew logically it made no sense, he was having a harder and harder time denying that he knew this woman, intimately--in every sense of the word. But, how?! And, holy shit, was she saying what he hoped she was saying? He could feel his hopes skyrocketing while he struggled to hold them down in self-preservation.

A huge yawn broke out on her face, ruining the moment and snapping Sam out of his stupor.

"Whoa, Jesus," She laughed a bit, surprised by the force of the yawn.

"Time for bed?" Sam tried to mask his disappointment at the disruption. She nodded agreeably.

"Listen, could you at least take a pillow, please? One pillow? For me?" Pulling the sheets back, so she could climb in, she yanked a pillow out and tossed it over the edge of the bed. She heard it land with an audible POOMPF right on his face. "Oops," she said with a snicker, reaching over to turn off the lamp on the table while he adjusted the pillow behind his head.

Sliding up under the covers, she settled down on her back. The deafening silence in the room allowed her mind to wander freely while she stared up at the ceiling. After a moment she rolled onto her side and peeked over the edge of the bed, surprised to find Sam's beautiful hazel eyes staring intensely back at her in the dark.

She whispered, "Sam?"

"Yeah?" Came a soft, low rumble, as he continued to stare back.

"How did you find me?" She wondered.

"Uh…" He turned away from her quickly and shifted nervously. He felt compelled to be honest with her; luckily the shroud of darkness made him bolder than he would have been in the harsh light of day. "We tracked you through the cab company mostly. Lost your trail at the diner and then… I'm not really sure. We were driving around and when I saw the sign for the motel I… uh, just had a strong feeling that you were here?"

"...uh huh." His answer surprised her. So much so, that she had to break eye contact and lay back down. She stared at the ceiling in shock.

What did that mean?

Though even as she asked herself the question, she had a feeling that she already knew. It was a feeling that didn't exactly put her at ease; raising more questions than it answered. She mulled it over for a few moments, before deciding she was too tired to pull at that thread.

She finally shrugged a little and said, "Good instincts?"

"Yeah… that must be it," He trailed off, having a nearly identical conversation with himself, and they fell silent again.

"Sam?" She said, choking back a nervous laughter. When she heard him respond with a curious grunt she hesitated. Finally, she blurted in a quiet, definitive whisper, "Samgirl. No question." When she could hear the smile behind another, practically silent--as though he was trying to hide it--grunt of confirmation she smiled wide, adding quickly, "And just so you know, that is the first and last time you will ever hear me utter that silly term of my own volition."

"Understood," He murmured in a teasingly serious tone, making her laugh quietly.

With another big yawn, she forced herself to stop engaging. Before rolling over, she tossed over her shoulder, "And don't tell Dean. He'll be devastated and we have a job to do." The sound of his joyful chuckling was the last thing she heard before sleep overtook her.

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