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couldbeyourlife · 5 years

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that’s a party platter it serves 12 people

avengers done been assembled spoilers below the cut ramble ramble garble garble hyperbole and capslock

Caveats(?) as it were? My reactions are my own and not a judgment of anyone else’s feelings, thoughts, or reactions. There are like, many paths to the rainbow, dude. It ain’t that deep here for the most part. In this movie especially, there were a lot of moments where my feelings can be summed up with:

Also, Steve and Natasha are my babies my faves I love them most and best.

Overall, liked MUCH MUCH better than IW. IW focused way the hell too much on people IDGAF about. This one was about the OGs and people I care about so I am here. for. that.

Has me thinking reallllllly how much of all of this is about getting that Moment On Screen. The “avengers assemble” or steve with the hammer or w/e. Things as “fans” we all have these images of in our imaginations or have seen on page and grown to see as iconic. And really, so very much of all of the Avengers movies mostly seem to be plots strung along to get to those moments? Which, I mean is it what it is. That’s what comic book team up Event Books are about. We’re getting an 18 months crossover event stuffed into a couple of hours BASICALLY. This movie, even more than the others, felt most like a comic book.

I yelled “fuck you” at least twice at the screen to Tony in the first 20 minutes. The entire thing between him and Steve after Tony gets back was so very not a good look.

I mean Tony was worse and then better and god as a character he is just so much better in HIS OWN MOVIES. JESUS GOD. Let me stop at IM3 and sing Adele at that. I mean, he’s dead now which works for his arc within the avengers movies. I’m glad he got to form a baby? Ugh. I still find the Iron Man --> Spidey thing odd in the MCU since Spidey is the og really here, y’all. IDK MAN.

“HEY QUEENS” MY HEART IT HURTS.

All of Steve and Natasha’s interactions made me clap with JOY. It made me want so much MORE of team Cap’s initial time on the run and then afterward with the two of them. UGH. The fact that Natasha is what Steve is crying about in that crying scene from the trailer? JUST LEAVE ME IN THE ROAD TO DIE OKAY.

Which gets to, I am super very glad I both waited and was spoiled. There were a lot of things I would have been less down with if it had been a LE TWIST! if I didn’t know. Such as the failed mission to kill thanos. Also, if Natasha’s death had been unspoiled for me I probably would have gotten the fuck up and walked out the theater yelling OH FUCK ALL Y’ALL.

SAME BUT DIFFERENT FOR LEBOWSKI THOR. EVEN KNOWING IT WAS COMING I WAS STILL BASICALLY THE THIRSTIEST FUCKING BITCH IN THE UNIVERSE WHEN HE WAS REVEALED AND EVERY FUCKING MOMENT AFTER THAT ESPECIALLY WHEN HE SUITED THE FUCK UP. Had I not been prepared I probably would have thrown my bra at the screen. I mean y’all my fucking husband for life is jack black i gots a type. my eyes are just rolling back in my head w/e w/e w/e I’ll get to Thor more later I just gotta thirst all over this god damn page because UGHa;ldafdaadf9df;/ ; I KNOW WHAT I’M ABOUT, SON.

if you aren’t here for wanting ten million pages of lebowski thor and bearded cap fucking then idek

Speaking of the porn. The following are things I want: Five year gap Steve/Natasha, Natasha/Carol, STEVE/NATASHA/CAROL, Thor/Valkyrie, Carol/Valkyrie, Carol/Thor/Valkyrie (GOD BLESS YOU, TESSA AND BRIE)

CAROL DANVER’S SHEER DEEP POWERFUL LESBIAN POWER AND ENERGY MADE ME SWOON EVERY TIME SHE WAS ON SCREEN. I loved her interactions with everyone of course. Her eye roll at Rhodey at the start was grate. Enjoyed what interactions we had of her and Steve A LOT. I clapped when he radioed to Danvers during the big scene.

SCOTT LANG BEST AVENGER OR MOST BEST AVENGER Y/MFY/CAP’S ASS IS THE BEST ASS SIR ROGERS CAPTAIN SIR???!!!

Really, Scott is and was the best and I just loved him so much. Definately one of the characters that can keep me engaged with the MCU going forward (see also: Carol and T’Challa)

I have so many frustrated and angry feelings about Natasha’s death. I get what people are saying about her and full circle etc. But I think that’s all bullshit really. It is a narrative choice to make that her arc? Like, her entire thing was she had things to make up and redeem herself for. Tony’s entire thing was that he was a selfish dick that learned to be unselfish. Natasha didn’t have a self-sacrifice problem. SHE WAS RAISED TO BE A GOD DAMN WEAPON. SHE’S A SURVIVOR because that’s what a weapon does and there is a huge difference in that. I get they needed to rid themselves of several of the OG Avengers so Dead Tony, Time Jump Steve, and Natasha being dead? I just. I’m too tired to get into hardcore, but I am mad. I will be mad and I will stay mad. Like, I get why they did it, but the writers MADE THAT CHOICE and so I am perma fucking pressed about it.

I honestly dgaf about the GotG and anything related to them and any moment with any of those characters, other than the Rabbit and Thor together, was basically dead airspace. I just DON’T FUCKING CARE. So every minute with them was wasted except for Thor. Oh THOR. Honestly, talk about a dude that started at the bottom for me and now we at the top. (THAT’S WHAT YOU FUCKING GET, TONY STARK FOR BEINGdl;af). Ahem. I feel like Thor’s arc made sense to me? Like he gets to go be the sort of person he’s always wanted to be who he is inside which is PROBABLY a well meaning and heroic semi-frat boy who wants to play with his Rabbit friend and have adventures and drink beer? His entire thing has been about how much he was or wasn’t able to be a good person v. a good king etc and idk IT WORKED FOR ME and he had one of the better OG endings imo. Also, like THOR HAS SEEN SOME SHIT? SOME REAL ASS SHIT THAT HE GETS TO HAVE SOME FUCKING FEELINGS ABOUT? AND REAL ASS SHIT THAT HIS LIFE UP UNTIL SHIT GOT REAL DID NOT PREPARE HIM FOR AT ALL? Like, I made a C on a paper in grad school and drank an entire bottle of champagne and fell off a chair. I GET IT. (I get a lot of this in the meta context comes from Hemsworth being fucking miserable with what they were doing with Thor because it SUCKED and people realizing that he’s fucking HILARIOUS and rolling with that). Also, a lot of the upset people seem to be really attached to Loki and liek w/e, but who hurt you?

Speaking of OGs. The entire Bruce/Hulk thing was weird. I get they were real into what they could do special effects wise but... idk man. I wasn’t here for it?

No one cares about Hawkeye. I mean I know there are people that say that but like. Him?

ON YOUR LEFT, CAP!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!

IF YOU DON’T LOVE SAM WILSON AND SHIP HIM AND STEVE IDK WHAT YOU ARE DOING AND WHAT YOUR PRIORITIES ARE?

SAM WILSON CAPTAIN AMERICA IS ALL I HAVE WANTED AND NEEDED OTHER THAN THE OTHER THINGS I HAVE ALSO WANTED AND NEEDED.

Which gets us to the last two and biggest two things: Steve and MCU’s entire time travel theory? They even SAY the BttF time travel theory and hint at the multiverse/DC theory of time travel. They seem to be hitting to something closer to the Umbrella Academy where what is going to happen is going to happen except?????????? HOW IT DOESN’T but it also can split into other realities but only because of the stones or? (This is also where the entire event book crossover Big Bad is always annoying because a) everything bad ends up being about that and b) there is way the hell too much bg mythology to care about. Hydra - Nazis MAKES SENSE! Evil Grimace abuses his daughters for fun and profit and wants to make the universe great again but thinks LotR didn’t go far enough with the jewelry thing???) AHEM. I mean, I got to a point where I was like, “this is the most 2019 movie because evil is inevitable because Hope is a Lie and Evil Always wins UNLESS YOU CAN BEND TIME TO YOUR WILL except nope not even that HA HA” So, I can’t really lockdown the internal logic completely on the MCU theory of time travel. It is sort of making sense until we get to Steve’s ending?

SO.

I have no dislike of this. It is cute. It is fine. It is what Steve deserved. Hell, it is what Peggy deserved. There are other ways it could have went and I would have been down with that too? I’ve been prepared for Steve to die for like 4 years now so you know, this is fine. It removes Cap from the action equation so CEvans like ScarJo and RDJ can be free. I think, if you’re inclined that way there are a ton of character questions you can ask there? Things to pick at and find interesting. I enjoyed Steve’s entire thing this movie immensely (his interactions with 2012 self were great. Him using Bucky against himself I thought was amazing). But here is where I start questioning the time logic which can be summarized with:

WHAT ABOUT POPSICLE STEVE?

Is there a Steve floating out in the ocean still to be found in 2011? There would need to be a Cap from 2011-2019 to put other people in place. You don’t have Sam and Bucky (for example) where they are at UNLESS THERE IS CAP AT THAT POINT??????? Which makes sense because there has to be a Steve to go back to Peggy (AWWW MY HEART IT HURTS), SO does it reform the mobius strip of the timeline to where Steve was ALWAYS in the past with Peggy (but on the downlow???????? WAS HE JUST TOTES NOT STEVE CARTER HUSBAND OF PEGGY CARTER and IDK taught P.E. in Brooklyn???) and so it basically reforms itself to where what was happened always happened but it MEANS that popsicle Steve and Steve from the future that is now in the past exist at the same time and THEN STEVE HAS TO NOT MAKE OUT IN HIS UNDERWEAR WITH HIS OWN MOM????? Or? Like, Hulk even says that when you mess with time, time messes back what are the consequences? Are there? At some point wouldn’t THAT cause some sort of weird paradox? I realize I’m asking SRS questions about fictional time travel so really who is the broken weirdo here me or Marvel (MARVEL OBVIOUSLY?). I’ve read a lot of theories on this and explanations, but none of which really satisfy me.

and REALLY isn’t that the most comic book thing of it all? The points don’t count and the rules don’t matter. I mean that in the best way possible, really. Fine, it was a yellow bug in Hal Jordan’s brain all along. Oh okay, Barry Allen’s grandson from the future? SURE WHATEVER. I eagerly look forward to ten years from now some fucking fetus getting cast as a new Captain America and being able to yell at whippersnappers how the only REAL CAPTAIN AMERICA IS CHRIS EVANS I HAVE BEEN THIRSTING CORRECTLY SINCE 2009 YOU PUNK ASS LITTLE BITCHES.

#avengers spoilers here yo #le spoilers de avengers???? (something somethidlf)

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