#every highschool teacher i ever had: be concise!!! | Explore Tumblr Posts and Blogs

red-might-be-dead · 2 months

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hello.! could you spare some bitb headcanons? i'm planning to start writing some stuff for it in the coming months and you seem like the expert so :3

sorry this took so long to reply to.... jkghksfjhgkjfha

KIAN!! -

i like to think that he was the smartest in the group, he would always do well in tests and classes and shit and he would bunk off most of the time, it would really piss off his teachers because he would fly through school and get As on everything

he left just after finishing highschool, probably before rolan left, his parents didn’t even notice he was gone

he was homeless for a while after music didn’t work out but eventually made money through stocks or whatever the fuck he had going for him lmaoo

his monster is always some kind of tarantula to me, the fur or hair or whatever is the same as the animal pattern on his jacket and he has lots of reds and hot pinks all over :33

ROLAN!! -

he moved to town when he was about 5 or 6 and made friends with rand and kian (they were already friends)

he was the least book smart but he tried really hard in school, unlike the other two, and although he still skipped some classes he was definitely a teachers pet (i feel like he would just seem very trustworthy even if he had just been smoking weed with his friends behind the bleachers)

he left highschool and then stayed with rand after kian left, he didn’t really talk to him he more just stayed in galloway, after rachel died (or went missing) he stayed away from rand but he couldn’t bring himself to leave him behind

when he left he told rand he was going (this was the first proper interaction that they’d had since highschool ended) and rand got so pissed off at him

in college he was quiet but lots of people gravitated towards him, he was a sweet guy with a nice energy so he made lots of friends very fast

he did a lot of sports in highschool, i think he carried on doing some of them until he went back to galloway (probably running)

his bug arm always reminds me of a preying mantis, i think if he had gone full bug-o-mode he would have been some kind of preying mantis creature with whites blacks and blues

RAND!! -

okay so this fucking guy, this guy, this greasy freak is my favourite ever jrwi character and i will NOT be able to get all of the shit down i want to for him because there is SO. MUCH. i’m definitely gonna write this more concisely than i did the shit for the other two

okay, he was smart in highschool, the teachers all hated him so much (he was a less charismatic version of kian) he did well in exams because he actually did study out of class unlike kian BUT he was 10 times more distributive (really he was just doing anything to make his friends laugh)

spent a lot of time IN school writing the d&d campaign and a lot of time OUT of school catching up on the stuff he should’ve been doing IN school

he had a girlfriend for a time, they kissed, he didn’t like it, he realised he liked men, he realised he liked rolan, he repressed all of that and moved on, him and his girlfriend broke up (due to him not spending any time with her, ignoring her in school and spending all the time they did have together talking about rolan or kian, basically him being an overall bad boyfriend), he moves on with life, basically forgets she ever existed

all through all of this time he has also been constantly getting into arguments with his parents and trying to do everything he could to NOT be with his sister (not that he didn’t love her it’s just he didn’t want to spend every waking hour with her)

his parents liked rachel more than him, it wasn’t her fault, rachel was always the most perfect child ever, she admired rand so much she really wanted to be as cool as him (she didn’t understand much about her brother but she loved him anyway)

after rachel was kidnapped rand started to ignore kian and rolan, he started slipping behind in classes and he stopped distracting people in classes, then he stopped coming into school at all, he never graduated

he locked himself in his room during the day and spent all night looking for rachel in the bayou (miracle he didn’t get turned lmao, maybe rach was protecting him in some way) he regretted everything and he would do anything for just another minute with his sister

kian left and didn’t even say goodbye, rand thought he deserved to be ignored for being such a bad friend

it was rolan leaving that broke him, everything was falling apart, he screamed and cried and cursed at rolan as he was driving away, the last thing he said was “i love you” but rolan never heard

he didn’t leave galloway, he couldn’t leave his sister alone again

if he ever went bug-o-mode i think he would be some kind of scorpion creature, or like, idk, a cicada lmao

honestly this is just how i thought the campaign ended canonically but idk anymore: when he talked to his sister he was hallucinating (the same way as when he was talking to dead kian) and he bled out floating in the swamp looking up at the sky

OKAY THATS IT…. BUUUT i do have a shit ton of conflicting headcanons and also smaller character headcanons that i might just drop in your inbox sometimes if that’s okay with you :DD!! sorry this took like one billion years… i didn’t even get everything….

#asks #jrwi bitb #bitb spoilers

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sushihairjiyong · 6 years

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So Im a relatively new vip and Ive done some lurking into other grps and stuff but correct me if Im wrong but somehow I think Bigbang ( and other 2nd gen grps really) have a very diff vibe more “adult” than the newer grps. Like I love that BigBang dont care what they say on variety shows nor do they hide their vices. Jiyong doesnt give a crap abt the hate ppl spread abt him or BB they all do what they do I find that more genuine and I have to admit im old lol and i love that i can grow withthem

I’ll be honest, I don’t really know enough about most other groups to compare/contrast the way they behave. But from what I know, I would tend to agree with you.

For one thing, BIGBANG have had a lot of 19+ concepts, even with title songs. I think a lot of groups would be wary of coming back with a 19+ concept, whether because of their image or out of fear that the track would suffer from being deemed unsuitable for broadcast. I think most artists try to ensure that their comeback songs/performances/videos are public- and broadcast-friendly. Seunghyun disemboweling farm animals and pissing on Jiyong? I enjoyed it, but it’s definitely not the most public-friendly concept of all time. But there’s this sense of “they can do it because they’re BIGBANG.”

I think a lot of groups have good marketing teams who are very aware of current trends. They are trying to craft something palatable, something in tune with what the public already likes. With BIGBANG – and especially with some of their solo stuff – there seems to be less of a focus on delivering what the public wants to hear and more of a focus on challenging themselves, trying something new, and releasing the music they want to release, unburdened by the opinions of others. There’s always an attempt to try something new, even if there’s no guarantee the public will go for it. There’s an attempt to challenge listeners, to bring listeners on a journey with them to explore new sounds and concepts that they might not otherwise have gone for. BIGBANG don’t settle for releasing music they know will do well; they take risks and try new things. They don’t care too much whether the public will be willing to follow them (but usually it is).

Which isn’t to say that they never release songs bespoke to public interest. Bang Bang Bang, for instance, was clearly made with mass appeal in mind. But BIGBANG do not exclusively cater to the public’s taste. That’s what I love so much about them – they know how to craft songs that will appeal to the public, but they don’t limit themselves to releasing music they know will do well. They take risks. I remember Jiyong talking about One of a Kind and saying how he knew Missing You was going to be the most public-friendly song on the album and yet he chose not to make it a title song, chose not to promote it. And it turns out he was right – while the public did follow him into new territory with his title releases and his risks did pay off, Missing You, an unpromoted song, was the most successful track on the album, with 2,137,929 sales compared to Crayon’s 2,059,855.

I think what makes BIGBANG seem more adult is that they’re less beholden to public opinion. This is true when it comes to their music, as I just discussed at interminable length above, but also in terms of their attitude towards things like drinking, smoking, tattoos. They don’t attempt to package themselves dishonestly in order to have more mass appeal. I don’t think it’s that they don’t care at all about being liked, just that other things are more important to them. Staying true to themselves is more important to them.

#every highschool teacher i ever had: be concise!!!#me: i need six pages single-spaced to express myself #... sorry for the tl;dr #and like i say #i don't really know enough about other groups to comment #and i know that they bigbang isn't the only group ever to take risks #so i was mainly just discussing things i've noticed about bigbang rather than trying to compare them #so pls no one come at me with 'but this group...!' i know ok i wasn't speaking in absolutes #i could go on at length about this attitude esp. in regard to jiyong and fashion for instance but this is already too long so #anyway #asks #Anonymous

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mythrilhusk · 3 years

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Korosensei Never Dies - Chapter 5

Words: 1689 Ao3 Version Chapter 4 (Last)

Chapter 6 (Next)

AN: This is NOT RPF, this story is based solely on the characters of Dream SMP, not the people playing them.

====

It's a hobby some would call obsessive or even creepy. Wilbur Soot doesn't care what anyone thinks, it's his world and everyone else is just living in it. His pencil scrawls on the page, scratching black onto white.

--Tommy needs encouragement. He's latched onto Philza as a fath- role model worryingly fast. Have I not been enough for him? He told me he wants to kill Technoblade, but I could see the lie in his eyes. He's too kind, and now he's being torn in two directions. Should I ease the strain? Or should I see how long it takes for him to break?--

Wilbur doesn't care what others think of him. His sly gaze flickers from person to person, lingering on the bright ray of sunshine that is Tommy.

--Tubbo worries me. He's been mostly silent ever since Technoblade showed up. Is he planning something?--

--Eret wants to kill Technoblade purely for the money. I saw the way their eyes lit up at the bounty. Which brings to mind another question. Why hasn't anyone outside of this class actually tried to kill Technoblade?--

--Ranboo never lets go of that notebook. I could swear it had a different cover. He's creepy. Avoid him.--

--Quackity has an intense grudge against Technoblade. But he's always with his gang, so I haven't been able to talk to him.--

--Hannah Rose started sparring with Foolish and Charlie last week. She's good. Too good. I don't trust her.--

--I can't get a read on Sapnap. He's always with Quackity, so I never have a chance to have a nice little chat, a good old tete-a-tete.--

--Connor wants to kill Technoblade. Boring.--

--Charlie hasn't shown any bent towards one side or another. He goes around with his saccharine "humour" and fails all his quizzes like he doesn't want Philza to train us. Maybe I should get him expelled.--

--Foolish says strange things. I don't like him.--

Wilbur pauses when he's finished silently dissing all his fellow students. The teachers are next.

--Ponk just sort of showed up one day and then stayed as the math teacher. His quizzes are so goddamn annoying. He hasn't shown any signs of wanting to kill Technoblade, though.--

--Punz was here for like a day, and then was sent to the hospital as the result of Techno's completely just and righteous defense of Philza. Unknown if he will find the guts to return or not.--

--Philza. Ah, Philza. Mere words can not convey the sheer respect I have for that man's dedication to chaos. Why, just the other day, I saw him feeding birds as they perched on him. He then used them for target practice. Magnificent. If we all endeavor to succeed in our classes, he will teach us how to kill his friend.--

--Technoblade is an enigma. Seriously. Does this mutant man ever sleep? By all accounts, he should be a terrible teacher, yet somehow he finds the time and tenacious willpower to teach all the subjects in a concise and understandable way. Not to mention his casual sprinkling of anarchy propaganda. I wish to know his secrets. I will drag them out of him if need be.--

"Whatcha writing?" Tommy inquires.

"Nothing!" Grinning innocently, Wilbur snaps his notebook closed.

"Is it about me? Are you writing how good I am at luv?"

"No, Tommy." Wilbur ruffles his friend's fluffy hair, ignoring Tommy's complaints. "I'm writing a diary. You can't read it."

"Fuck off, I'll write my own diary!"

Wilbur smiles and sits back, listening to Tommy rant. It would be interesting, wouldn't it, to see how he deals with the conundrum of looking up to Philza while being pressured to kill Technoblade. Wilbur can't wait to see him break.

++++

Badboyhalo paces in the Duckling's treehouse, wincing with every step. Antfrost binds George's wounds. "This has gone too far, Bad!" George complains.

"Shut up! I know we can think of something!"

"Our reputation is on the line! If anybody looks even slightly deeper into our pasts, we're all screwed."

"Shut up!" Bad screeches. "We are Professional Assassins, that's all we ever have been, and nobody is going to question it unless you two screw up again!"

Antfrost glowers, tightening a bandage on George's arm. "You screwed up, too."

"How was I supposed to know?? He's a highschool student, a teenager, he shouldn't be good at fighting!!"

"He's better than us. You think Dream taught him?" George tries to scratch at his bandages, but Antfrost smacks his hand away.

"I don't know, you muffinheads, but we need to figure something out. Maybe take some martial arts classes."

"You want us to go back to school??"

"No! Yes?? Maybe? I don't know." Bad replies miserably. "We've gotta get outta here before Quackity and his gang show up."

"Too fucking late." Quackity snarls behind Bad, dropping through the window. "Why the fuck didn't your motherfucking special weapons do a single goddamned thing??"

"Language," Bad mutters half-heartedly.

"Why the fuck are you buffoons planning to take classes for fighting?? You said you were professionals!!"

"That is true, we are professionals. But we may have been a teensy bit misleading about our line of work."

Quackity's scowl darkens and he draws his revolver. "I want blood, Bad. I want your blood so motherfucking badly right now. Fucking tell me the truth."

Bad raises his hands, heart in his throat. "Wait, wait! I- we're not actually assassins, okay? We're just, uhh, our business is in, uhh-"

Quackity cocks the gun. His eyes show no hint of mercy.

"Wait-wait-wait-" Bad cries, trembling. "We're just con-men! It's our business! We go around, telling people we can take care of whatever their problem is, then we take the money and dip! Haha!"

"We bit off a bit more than we could chew when President Skeppy paid us to help you kill Technoblade." George sighs. "Go ahead and shoot Bad, he's our leader. It was all his idea."

"N-no!!" Bad screeches, glaring at George. "Don't shoot!! Please!"

"Fuck you." Quackity flicks open the casing and empties the bullets onto the table. "Fuck you and your motherfucking lies. You don't even have a supplier, do you?"

"No, we stole the prototype weapons from HBomb's lab!"

"I'll forgive you on one condition." Quackity gives them a small, hard smile. "Break into the lab and get us actual weapons that'll actually fucking work on Techno. Nothing explosive, just knives and guns."

"Deal." Antfrost says. "Do we still get a cut?"

"Ten percent, but that's only if you don't fuck up again."

"Ten??" Bad cries, forgetting his former fear. "That's only one billion!!"

"That's about a billion times more than you fucking deserve, so don't test me, assholes."

Bad clenches his fists. Quackity is just a kid. He's just one kid. Bad, Antfrost, and George could easily win.

But that's what they thought about Ranboo. Bad huffs. "Deal."

++++

Creeping around in the forest is not exactly what Awesamdude expected his career to lead to. But here he is, laying down a perimeter, alone.

Not quite alone, however. The two kids stalking him could do with some more practice staying silent. He's already learned their names from their hissing whispers.

"Niki, Jack, you shouldn't be here." He straightens after planting another post in the ground.

A girl with violently pink hair drops down from a tree. A boy with clashing heterochromatic sunglasses hops up from behind a stump, brushing the leaves off himself. "How'd you know we were there?" Jack whines.

"You were hardly quiet."

"What're you doing?" Niki crosses her arms, scowling.

"Do you want to die?" Sam asks darkly. He's bluffing, of course. He wouldn't kill innocents.

"Can you kill people?" Jack asks, excited.

"I could, if I wanted to."

"Can you kill Technoblade??"

"No."

"Why isn't anyone else trying?"

"His location was a secret." Sam sighs. "It's not anymore, but I'm going to ensure nobody else interferes."

"How are kids expected to kill an immortal??" Niki cries. "Why is the bounty so high?? Why is he teaching school instead of rotting in a prison??"

"Curious, aren't you." Sam scratches his head. "Well, I suppose I can answer the first two. You're not expected to kill him, you're being used to keep him in line. And the bounty is so high because he wanted it that high."

Niki glares at Sam. Jack's expression is unreadable behind his sunglasses. "Why-"

"Shoo." Sam waves a hand at them. "Go home before I lose my patience."

The two converse for a moment in hushed whispers. Then, simultaneously, they cry, "Teach us to kill Technoblade!"

Sam represses a smile. "No."

"Why not??"

"Because I have a job to do, and that involves not interfering."

"Is President Skeppy stalling??" Niki snaps.

"I can't answer that." Sam raises his crossbow upon hearing cautious footsteps sneaking past in the shadows of the trees. Niki and Jack both leap back into cover, but Sam ignores them. "Show yourself, or I put an arrow through your ribs."

"Please don't." Another teen steps out, raising his hands. The hidden weapons on his person wouldn't be obvious to someone less experienced, but are painfully visible to Sam.

"What are you doing out here?"

"I don't know?" The teen replies plaintively. "I was just taking a walk."

"Hm." Sam lowers the crossbow slightly. He activates the sensors in his false eye with a blink, scanning the teen. The scan glitches and sends a flash of pain through his skull. "Agh!"

"Are you okay, sir?" The teen steps forward. Warning bells chime in the back of Sam's mind, danger, danger, but Sam ignores them. This is just a kid. He's harmless.

"I'm fine. You should go home."

"Oh." The boy lowers his hands and opens the book he was holding. For a moment, Sam's eye glitches again, and the boy's form distorts; scales crawl across the boy's arms, twelve wings fold like fractals- Sam winces at the twinge of pain and the hallucinations fade. "I have a home, now." The boy mutters, and then wanders off.

Sam sighs and continues his job of setting up a fence around the school building for class 3-E. Niki and Jack have scampered off already. He's alone again.

Chapter 6 (Next)

#wilbur soot #tommyinnit #badboyhalo #antfrost #georgenotfound #quackity #awesamdude #niki nihachu #jack manifold #dream smp au #no ship #tw blood #tw threats #tw violence #ranboo

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thebubblemaster · 4 years

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Its midnight and I gotta wake up at 5am to go to work tomorrow but I've been thinking about this for a while and I gotta get it off my chest!

Yall are always complaining about how english teachers find meaning in literature that isn't there and then go off and try to analyze media like youre writing a dissertation. And i can always tell which one of yall actually pays attention in English class bc some of yall don't understand what makes a good analysis! Some of yall just list evidence and expect it to stand for itself and some of yall just go off on explanations without providing any examples. Half the time i ask myself if the person even watched/read whatever it was in the first place! And this applies to both positive and negative analysis. Either way yall have to learn how to analyze things well bc sometimes I see a post I do not agree with but it's well written so I can see where they're coming from, but other times I'm just angry bc its obvious you either didn't pay attention in class or had shitty english teachers.

As someone who considers herself very good at writing analysis essays I can't just stand by and watch yall make fools out of yourselves. Not to flex but, ive been getting As on my last minute essays since freshman year of highschool, so you can be sure that that this advice isn't coming from an amateur.

Anyways, here's my tips on writing an adequate and organized essay for all of your academic and fandom needs.

Forget about the intro. Trust me. I've heard so many people say they get stuck forever on their introductions and it's heartbreaking. If I'm not writing something in class, I always write my introductions last.

Start with your thesis. This is the last sentence of your intro, and really the only important part of that whole paragraph. The basic formula for a thesis is something like, "In Fitzgerald's The Great Gatsby, he shows that the American dream is futile through his use of symbolism of the green light, Gatsby's idealization of Daisy, and Gatsby's eventual death." Havent read the book in 5 years but you get the idea. You state what it is you think the author is doing and 3 ways you think you can prove it.

The first sentence of each body paragraph will introduce one reason and briefly elaborate on what it is about the reason you will focus on.

Gather evidence. Pick out exact quotes that appear to support the reasons you've provided in your thesis and separate them by each reason. Even if youre going to paraphrase or cite a scene as a whole as evidence, it's good to have the exact words recorded so you can reference them easier when you go back to actually write the essay. Dont forget to record the chapter and page number each one appears on so you can cite it later on. I usually gather more than I think ill need so I have options when I'm writing my analysis, but you'll need at least 2 per reason.

Explain why you think these quotes or scenes support the reason you gave. Why does the light represent Gatsby's unattainable goals? How does his perception of Daisy and her reality differ?

Connect it all back to the original point of your thesis. How does Gatsby's unattainable goal of a relationship with Daisy compare to the unattainable goal of the American Dream? How does America's perception of this dream and the realities of it's futility reflect in Gatsby and Daisy's relationship?

Repeat 3-6 for every body paragraph and you've got 60% of your essay done.

Conclusion. Restate the thesis. Give brief, one sentence summaries on how each of your paragraphs connect to your overarching point. End it with something like "It is due to Fitzgerald's use of symbolism and characterization that the message of the American Dream itself being an illusion throughout the novel is successful." Praise the author or something along those lines. Dont bring up anything new that you didnt talk about in your previous paragraphs.

Ok, back to the Introduction. The introduction is there to provide context for the analysis. Youre always supposed to write as if your audience has never read the book youre writing about. Introduce the author and the specific work your essay is about. Use the authors full name the first time you mention them and then just the last name every time after. Only mention things that are relevant to what you will be talking about. Keep it concise and build up to your thesis. Introduction paragraphs for analysis essays Do Not have to be long. In fact, it should be the shortest paragraph in the essay. 4-5 good sentences should be enough.

Now here are just some basic tips everyone should know

Book titles are typed in italics: The Great Gatsby. Poems and short stories are written in quotation marks: "The Raven," or"The Yellow Wallpaper."

Never use contractions. Ever. The only reason an apostrophe should be in there is if it's there to be possessive.

Don't use a thesaurus. Seriously. If you're not entirely familiar with a word, don't use it. It's obvious when someone has filtered their essay through one because they're usually unreadable. You don't have to use long words to get your point across.

DO NOT WRITE IN THE FIRST PERSON! There is no "I am going to write about" in a formal essay. This is obvious to anyone who is reading it. Dont say what you'll write about, just write about it!

Don't use words like "attempts" or say things like "this might connect to this" or whatever. State everything as of it is an undisputable fact. Be assertive with your points. It makes you look more credible and like you know what you're talking about.

Write in the presnt tense always even if the author is dead: "Fitzgerald uses symbolism." As well as about a character's actions of the book's events: "Daisy crashes the car and runs over the woman," "Gatsby throws lavish parties."

When teachers say avoid passive voice they mean the noun goes before the verb. "Nick drives the car" not "The car is driven by Nick."

It doesn't matter whether you agree with what you're writing. If you see evidence for a point and its the easiest thing to write about, just do it. No one will care or notice if it's not your real opinion.

If you can frame something in a way that will help your point, then do it. Even if at first glance its not exactly relevant.

You can make anything into an argument if you try hard enough. Which is basically what youre doing when writing an analysis essay, arguing that your interpretation is the right one.

Be as concise as possible. Avoid all tangents to your main point and stay on topic 100% of the time. This will help you keep your essay organized and your reader convinced that you have a solid grasp on the text.

Now go forth and make convincing arguments! Even if they are about weeb shit.

Thank you for your time.

#english #literature #english class #writing advice #analysis #academics #the only thing i cant really help with is grammar #i always get points off for bad grammar #but like #who cares #grammar is but a guideline i have and will continue to ignore for the foreseeable future #anyways its 1am now and ive spent an hour writing this #ha #edit: up an hour later fixing my mistakes #this is what happens when i wake up at noon on my days off

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chonideno · 6 years

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let me tell you a story about writing to entertain you in these trying writers block times. I started writing in 2006, a mixture of terrible poems (I was in highschool) and stuff for an online RP board. I didn't have other hobbies, and someone else on the board who was a little older and more well-read kinda took me under their wing and gave feedback for every self-contained story chapter I wrote, which helped me get much better fairly quick, it was a good time. at one point i wrote and edited -

two thousand words in two hours, which i am (obviously) still somewhat smug about. I kinda plateaued but got better again in senior year when my english teacher was able to drill the value of being explicitly clear and also concise into my skull. After I graduated I took a few courses at the local community college but didn't really get anything out of them, so I started doing "content generation", writing product descriptions on walmart's site for 4$ a piece, search engine abuse included -

- so I stopped writing for fun and lived a decent life of working casually and quickly for a few hours a day and otherwise drinking and playing video games. I had a good time, but eventually the work dried out, and I had spent three years "writing" every day, but it wasn't writing, it was "content generation", and doing it required intentionally bad writing practices (I had minimum word counts, for example), so I've written a self-indulgent thing here or there since then on my phone etc -

- only in the last few months did I actually really want to write again, and I found myself with a surprise. I didn't (don't?) know how to write anymore. It's been about five years since that job but it's like it damaged me in such a fundamental way that I've been genuinely thinking of the writing I've been doing lately as physical rehab, basically. When I started again I had the thought "oh right, the audience won't know what happens if i don't tell them" because that's the level i'm back on -

- so "Writing is the worst thing i've ever done to myself" style memes never really got me before but man, these last few months they have been T H E M O O D. Anyway I hope you enjoyed my tale of woe and having to relearn basic facts about writing like "show or tell, you have to do one of them, one might be better than the other BUT YOU HAVE TO DO ONE OF THEM", i guess the point here being you aren't alone in "i want write, why can't???" feels.

You know this is so interesting because I was just talking with a good pal about how our blocks feel very different, and this is yet another example of how all damn roads lead to Rome. My block definitely feels very different from yours, which, duh, obviously, we have different experiences with writing, but in the end we scream the same thing. That’s p cool I think. It’s a unifying experience.

Relearning how to write it the worst but it happens all the time to anyone who’s trying to improve, so what I mean is, you’re on the right track.

#all my best wishes!!!#this sounds rough but i get it #you'll get there!!#(and so will i or so help me god)#also jerry i'm talking about u here #staccatodawn #mag answers

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sleepdrunksecrets · 7 years

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This started as four or five different ramblings that I have tried to cobble together and they are not as eloquent as I would like nor as concise as I would like. But there’s something about the stuttering, uncertain cadence that feels truer than if I pared this down. Also I’m lazy and have been working on this for, like, a month. So.

tl;dr I developed a crush?, a friend from college shook me, I feel selfish, and I’m terrified about all of it.

So three years ago I came to the conclusion that I was asexual. It wasn’t until about two months ago that I realized that I fell somewhere on the aromantic spectrum. About this time I developed what I can only imagine is a crush which complicated my aromantic-spectrum self-discovery. Suddenly nothing seemed certain. I wanted to look this person up on the internet; I didn’t know how aromantic I was anymore; I felt nervous and awkward and creepy because of the feelings I had developed seemingly out of nowhere for this person.

It occurred to me that I could ignore all of this and just not care; I could decide to just walk away from this and never try to understand it. And I don't think that would be terrible. But I'm also fascinated by this as well as terrified by it. And it is consuming me and I don't think being consumed by it is a good thing. I hope that by writing this all out I'll work through it and understand it and come out the other side a more thoughtful and aware person. And I guess at the root of things I want reassurance that this is maybe not normal but certainly okay. And I want validation that this is scary, that rarely if ever experiencing crushes is a thing and that when I do experience them it is okay to be scared.

I remember choosing people to have crushes on in high school. I would choose a crush just to have an answer when friends would ask. But I distinctly chose them. I would observe and evaluate and pick them based on aesthetic and personality and behavior and sense of humor and hobbies. I didn't develop feelings for these people I picked them to have an answer to a question. Like when a teacher sets an essay. Maybe you have to write about how something was influenced by WWI. And some people know that they want to write about how WWI changed fashion or how it changed the political state of the US or how it shaped the depression but some kids just say "this topic suggested on the rubric seems alright. That's my topic, I guess." I don't know that I ever experienced a genuine crush in highschool, that I ever just knew what topic my WWI essay would be on. I still don’t know if I’ve experienced a genuine crush. But I'm also not sure that I entirely understand what a genuine crush is.

I mean how can you really define a crush? I've read people try to describe them. I've tried to figure out what the difference is between romantic love and platonic love. All I do know is that something felt different about this recent attachment I’ve developed. And part of the frustration is that I developed these feelings - romantic attraction or not - on a fictional character.

Really though. Who doesn’t love Cisco Ramon from The Flash? Grant Gustin is cute and all but I just want to punch Barry Allen in the face. But Cisco. Anyway.

The damning first sentences of an article on TheAnatomyOfLove.com are "Love is involuntary. Brain science tells us it's a drive like thirst." (I assume that they were, of course, speaking about romantic love.) They also included a quiz; 'Are you in love? Take this passionate love quiz to find out!' It included questions like "I have an endless appetite for affection from _____." And filling in that blank with Cisco Ramon made me feel really weird. My total score was 59 (average score 106-135) and they classified it as 'Tepid, infrequent passion.'

So… Is that a crush? Is that a crush for an ace, demi-romantic person?

The article went on to talk about "the overall hypothesis" or that romance is one of three basic brain systems that evolved for mating and reproduction. 1. Sex drive/lust. 2. Romantic love/attraction. 3. Attachment. And of all of those attachment - "the feeling of deep union with a long-term partner" - is what I want. "Evolved to enable you to remain with a mate at least long enough to rear a single child through infancy together as a team - although many of us remain together much longer, and enjoy the benefits of life with a partner even when there is no goal to have children." BLESS.

So maybe I am feeling the first inklings of romantic attraction but I am terrified of letting that develop into something stronger. Which makes sense to me. For a long time I've been terrified of passion (that's another essay though). I'm terrified of seeing a gif of Cisco Ramon and dissolving into fits of unfulfillable wants and wishes. I don't want to be so enamored with a person - especially such an impossible-to-ever-meet--despite-what-movies-would-like-me-to-believe person. And so I watch The Flash fairly slowly (for me), I rarely search out Cisco gifs, I don't google him. I'm trying to starve it out of me if that makes sense, I’m trying to keep the desire tolerable. And I don't think I'm thirsting after Cisco Ramon?

Part of what makes this more uncomfortable is that Cisco Ramon is portrayed by a real person: Carlos Valdez. It is terrifying to me that I can stalk this person. Because that's how it feels. Creepy and obsessive and stalkery and gross. Because it's not just Cisco that I love - I love Carlos Valdez's portrayal of him. With a character in a book I can imagine more stories and meet-cutes and things like that but when it comes to Cisco I am imagining them onto a non-consenting, real human. And that's so uncomfortable to me. I want so snuggle on a couch and watch movies with Cisco Ramon and talk about how cool it would be to have textile-based metahuman powers and walk through the streets holding Carlos Valdez's - I mean Cisco Ramon’s hand but this is a real person who never agreed to be imagined in these ways.

I feel so incredibly uncomfortable fawning over a real person for fictional reasons.

For right now it is this terrifying attachment to a fictional character and the actor who portrays them and I can't tell how much of it is my projection of wants and desires and how much of it is just a thing that most people experience all the time. I don't know how much of this started as me saying 'pick a favorite character' and cultivating an attraction and using it to relate to friends and garner sympathy and how much of it was 'I find Carlos Valdez aesthetically pleasing and admire and respect and would like to form a relationship with Cisco Ramon.'

I feel so creepy and I'm so scared that I developed this attachment or the purpose of having a fav as a point of reference and interaction with my friends. And maybe that naturally transitioned into romantic attraction or sensual attraction or something and if that’s the case then I'm terrified that I can pick who I fall in love with. More than partially because society (and science) has said that we can't control who we fall in love with, we don't have any say in how we feel romantically about people.

All I know is that this (what I am calling a crush) feels new to me or at least unusual and it is strange and different and somehow more unavoidable than previous, ‘curated’ crushes? But I'm also worried that it's just more of the same and that what I am calling a crush is just what high school me did - constructed an attachment to a certain person based on aesthetics, personality, and behavior in an effort to feel normal and fit in. And I can't tell how much of this is my imagination and how much of this is natural, human attraction. What portion of it is fueled by my own selfish desires and what portion is a subconscious/unconscious... Reflex for lack of a better word. Thirst. What part of it is me deciding to extend my knee and what part of it is my knee extending because it has been acted upon by an outside force like a mallet at the doctor's office?

So when I was younger I really, really wanted a boyfriend. And I thought I wanted a boyfriend for noble reasons because what I wanted was companionship. Though I wouldn't have put it so concisely back then. And I think this is why I said yes to every boy that asked me out (all three of them). I was entering romantic relationships and expecting companionship would grow out of it.

The last romantic relationship I had was when I was fifteen. I dated a boy (let’s call him Taylor) for the first semester of 10th grade. During that relationship I calmly and almost coldly logicked my way into saying “I love you.” He said it first and I remember sitting there and thinking 'I want to say it back but I also want it to be true. Do I love him? Do I care for him? What is love?' It was this thing that I had to justify, had to back up with evidence and supporting documentation not something I just FELT. Towards the end of our relationship Taylor started pressuring me to sleep with him. And while many of my memories are sour and sad I also remember him coming up behind me and wrapping his arms around me while baking Christmas cookies at my grandma's house. When he did break up with me I believed so firmly that he did so because he wanted to have sex with me and I refused. It felt like he didn't find me loveable, he didn't find me worthy of a romantic relationship, companionship, any relationship unless he got sex out of it. And I realize now that some of that is on his values being different from mine but it didn’t help my self-esteem. I’m still realizing just how much that relationship, that breakup negatively affected me. With ten years of hindsight and selective memory loss I can’t say with certainty why Taylor broke up with me. But whether or not it’s the truth believing that he broke up with me because I wouldn’t sleep with him is what I needed to be true in order to cope.

I'm afraid of opening myself up to that heartbreak and humiliation again. Because now that I’ve typed it I feel the truth in it. I did feel humiliated by him breaking up with me. (Also the other two boys I dated. But again that’s another essay.)

It took a few years after that disaster but then it was really easy to be happy being single and not having any crushes. But developing these feelings, developing what I’m calling a crush sort of highlights everything that not being single could mean. It makes me wonder and question and imagine all those sweet, precious moments that a romantic relationship could bring. And that's what is maybe the scariest about this. Because having a crush and acknowledging it is acknowledging that I want something more - even if it is only sometimes or rarely. It feels so, so much lonelier than not having a crush at all. Because it makes me want something and then I question it and I doubt it and I contemplate it and I hate myself so much for it. Because I am not what society considers an attractive person, I am not a desirable person, I am not a selfless, loving, kind person. And the fact that the chances of meeting Cisco Ramon are none and the chances of meeting Carlos Valdes are slim to none also contributes to the loneliness/hopelessness..

Having a crush is so scary because I thought I knew all these things about myself and I thought I was happy and content and having a crush makes me feel hollow somehow. Less complete. Which I know is wrong and giving into wrong stereotypes and I hate that. It feels like there is something bigger than I am that I want but can't have. Interpersonal relationships are so hard. I can buy pens, I can travel the world, I can dye my hair. But I can't make someone love me. I can't make someone care for me. And having a crush is acknowledging that I want someone to. And it sucks.

This whole journey, this whole essay was born from the desire to be honest with myself. But it's so scary to let yourself feel things. If you don't feel things then you can never be disappointed, you can never be deceived by your feelings. If I don't let myself feel crushes, if I tell myself I don't then I am less likely to be hurt. But I want to be honest with myself and with other people.

So after my disastrous 10th grade relationship with Taylor I didn’t date anyone else. And no one really asked. In college I was friends with this one guy (we’ll call him Dan) who, after I graduated, messaged me and told me that he really liked me but never asked me out because I deserved better. And that hurt so much because he was putting his feelings of inadequacy above any feelings I might have. And two and a half weeks ago (three years after he told me this), in a weird fit of honesty, I confronted him about it. I told him how much it sucked. And he gently informed me that he believed it was a misunderstanding. That he had tried to ask me out multiple times but in discussing potential relationships I said something that was interpreted as he wasn’t good enough for me. This blew my mind because I had not once realized he was attempting to ask me out. For years I had operated under the assumption that no one had found me desirable in any sense since Taylor. And in one incredible, heartfelt conversation Dan ruined that. I’m still reeling.

This whole journey has been about understanding myself and being honest with myself. And I'm so scared that that might mean admitting that maybe I do like Dan? That I do want to see him again, snuggle, watch stupid tv on the couch together. And then part of me is wondering how true these feelings are and how much of them are my desire for companionship latching onto someone who at one point was apparently willing to pursue that kind of relationship the same way I said yes to all three boys who asked me out (and I understood that they were asking me out).

That's why potentially feeling something for Dan is so scary. Because it's too convenient (despite the fact that he's currently dating someone). He liked me and so now if I like him I feel like it's easy, it's requited. It's everything my other romantic relationships were. I'm afraid of having a crush on someone because I never know if I like them because I like them or because they liked me and I liked being liked. It's that great White Collar moment where Elle Burke says "there's a difference between loving the idea of someone and actually loving who they really are." And that's what scares me about not experiencing crushes in general. I feel like I don't have that indicator that I like someone. I just like that they like me. And that's what makes learning that Dan really liked me in college so utterly terrifying. Because I don’t know how it's changed the way I feel romantically about him.

Is Dan just convenient or did I ever actually feel something different than platonic affection for him? I’m trying to figure out what feelings stem from my desire for companionship and what feelings stem from genuine attraction. I'm so, so, SO afraid of inferring romantic attraction where there is none.

I don't want to be the girl who wants a romantic relationship just to be in a romantic relationship. Because I did that. Three times. And they all ended horribly. I'm scared of my feelings, of not being able to find the line between my general desire for companionship and a specific desire for a romantic relationship with a specific person. I'm scared that any romantic relationship I'd pursue would be pursued for companionship not to test waters or get to know another person. I'm afraid that requited romantic attraction will open up the way for 15-year-old me to sink her fingers into the relationship and tear it apart looking for companionship only to find disappointment yet again.

I'm not sure that I'll ever know where the line is between my general desire for companionship and specific desire for a relationship with a specific person. And I think the fact that I am aware of it now, that I've had the epiphany that I don't want to enter into a romantic relationship just to be in a romantic relationship… I think that my awareness is all I can really hope for, all I can realistically expect.

I'm afraid of how high my expectations are. And I'm afraid of how far I'm willing to fall before deciding enough is enough.

I’m writing this, working through it because I want to be honest with myself. So let's do that. Do I like Dan? I feel like I might have the beginnings of a crush on Dan. But I also feel like those feelings could easily be born out of learning that he tried to ask me out multiple times in college. And I don't know which it is. And that's scary. And that's okay. (It also doesn't hurt that he's currently dating someone and I live pretty far away and these feelings don't need to be fully explored and evaluated any time soon.)

As you might be able to tell I'm trying to process a lot. I'm trying to understand myself and how I relate to other people and it's slow going. I want to work through it, I want to understand. But I'm also afraid of what I'm going to learn. I ran across a tumblr post recently about how the idea of fake gamer girls is a crutch for geeky boys - it gives them a shield, protects them from having to face the fact that they are just scummy people and that is why they feel/are rejected. And I worry that maybe I use asexuality but far more so identifying as demi-romantic as a shield, an excuse to say 'I don't date because I'm happy single' rather than entertaining the idea that I haven't experienced a crush or been asked out because I'm a bad person or selfish for wanting companionship (maybe even romance) without sex. I'm still working through this, still trying to balance being honest with myself with painting myself as a victim. I’m still trying to embrace that my wants aren't inherently bad. And it's really hard.

I would like to think that someday I could be not-single if I wanted to but then I think maybe I’m single because something inside of me is broken, because I’m broken. Somehow this is much more painful to me than being Ace. Because I don't want sex and I really don't want children. But I DO want companionship and that is most socially acceptable/stable if it is romantic companionship. Marriage is for life but marriage is also inherently this ROMANTIC (if not sexual) thing. I want that easy togetherness and kind-hearted teasing that comes with long term companionship. And I feel selfish for wanting that and feel like it would be so, so cruel to put another person through a potential romantic relationship with me when I don’t want kids, am fairly certain I don’t want sex, maybe don’t want romance at all but maybe kind of do. I still want another person to decide that I am their priority person in life, the person who kind of comes first.

How do you ask another person to come along for the ride when you don't know where you want to go, how you're going to get there, whether or not you're going to bail out partway through? How do you ask someone to sacrifice their life just so you can figure out yours?

#asexual #demi-romantic #what even is a crush #self-discovery #I suck at tags

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