#even when i get a good nights sleep!!!!
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Bad brain tonight
#cycling through a lot of things but my fatigue is the star tonight#apparently its time to angst over how ive had fatigue issues for years but was always dismissed as lazy#and i didnt realize i most likely have a problem until recently#ive always just been Tired TM#and the exhaustion is just so much and really gets to me once in a while#do i often feel like crying over how fatigued i am yes we dont gotta talk about it#and any time i take a nap i feel guilty and lazy and like im failing lmao#but im juat ao damn tired#even when i get a good nights sleep!!!!#like yeah my meds make me tired but it goes beyons that ive had this so much longer than my meds#getting covid in may hasnt heloed either l m a o#uuuuuuuuGGGGGGHHHH#my brain is full of hees tonight
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gentle mornings
#alternatively titled - when your papas have the audacity to cuddle without you#kazurei#buddy daddies#i like to think they didnt really do cuddles much except when rei has a rough night and kazukis warmth and safety is the only thing that#can let him get rid of the anxiety and nightmares#he wouldnt ask for it#it would be kazuki dragging him to bed at first#rei reluctantly but in his weakened will the times hes slept together with miri and kazuki has been the times hes somehow always#managed to go out like a light as soon as his head hits the pillow#even he himself doesnt understand and he doesnt attempt to and he doesnt realise#that its safety and warmth and protection and peace#and thats the only reason he would let himself be dragged to bed#but#eventually when you have had the taste of something so good in the place of chilling nightmares and restless darkness that feels no less#safer than the light#your heart becomes indulgent#and rei will gently and wordlessly ask for an invite to the warmth again#its fulfilling and blissful when the three of them are together#but with just kazukis body enveloping him against the night its a different kind of comfort. even in his sleep he would clutch onto it#thats a tangent right there huh.....anyway. miri would be absolutely betrayed in the morning when she finds them snuggled up#she gets her cuddle time with her papas too then#one big pile of a warm and happy family#yes this is pre relationship yes they would do that yes it is possible#if you got this far thanks i guess jajdjfjs ill hopefully colour this soon but i dont know really so im putting it up here#my art
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yu junghyeok and prince cedric have like practically the same design (+v similar personality) but listen the Vibes they have r diff... idk if this makes sense but u know charas w tired dilf energy... YJH has that but not cedric.. hes like a baby.. the way I describe it is YJH is babygirl but cedric is just my baby🫂🔥🔥🔥*gets incinerated* SKJDJ idk if it's noticeable at all but I try to capture diff vibes when I draw them....
when i draw cedric i try to go full shoujo... he is a romance novel male lead... sparkly eyes bright colors 90s anime blush... goes full squish mode when drawing him chibi MFNSKJ🤭
but when i draw yjh im like... no i have to convey the Angst and Depression.... *gives him dark circles and takes the light from his eyes*😇🖤
idk if it's noticeable but I also try to differentiate their designs in subtle ways (besides eye color etc),,, I give them diff eyebrow shapes!! I like YJH with triangle brows(thicker at the ends) and cedric w tapered brows(thicker toward the middle) like the webtoon... I also try to make cedric's hair a bit curlier than YJH🥹
#cedric riester#yoo joonghyuk#yu junghyeok#TWSB#orv#re: i have to convey the Angst and Depression.... *gives him dark circles and takes the light from his eyes*#<-- this is also my approach to drawing dark choco cookie KJDKSSJ#not that cedric isnt also angsty and depressed but... he hasnt been thru the Time Loops™️😔#and besides... he has his own emotional support prince jesse(yeseo)😇#to help him sleep better at night... whens the last time yjh had a good nights sleep... he was a gamer before this too🤧#yjh may be my pookie but the sheer weight of his chara holds me back from woobifying him completely...#maybe one day tho KJFKSJ#i think those squishy black eyed chibis r just as cute tho🤭#Still need to draw both of them more...#yjh is my bias btwn them but cedric is more fun to draw for me smfbdm at least rn#AND ITS BC OF THESE REASONS!!! LIKE I GET to go full shoujo and squishy blorbo w ced#and sparkly and blushy#but i cant do that w yjh it'd be too jarring skfjsndb#THEYRE BOTH EQUALLY CUTE TO ME BTW... but since i love both... i dont want to draw them exactly the same...#and like i said it'd clash tonally too much if i drew him like a romance novel male lead (even tho hes just as handsome as one)#I NEED TO READ THE ORV NOVEL#btw for me yjh owns this archetype... the yjh archetype... 🤧#but cedric is a cute variation bc of his orange eyes and curlier hair... 🤭 his fanta eyes make him stand out#from the other yjh wannabes (shoving jumin han into a locker) im jk#me @ every chara who looks like him: 🫵u will never be YJH /j#/jjjjj#ced is the exception... i immediately liked him BC he reminded me of yjh... there r enough fun diffs too#what on earth compelled me to ramble this much#my art
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…ok so I got inspired <3
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Thesis in the tags
#OKAY SO HEAR ME OUT#Amelia is probably the most jealous person to ever relationship.#but it comes naturally ONLY for Javi. she never got jealous while dating Ollie or any of the previous partners.#but when she started dating javi—something flipped a switch in her and BOI OH BOI DID SHE GET. JEALOUS. OF EVERYTHING.#which kinda sucks because Javi is a music sensation and POPULAR 😭#and she’s Horny. SO. so. SO. horny. like. maybe it’s the Rafkonian biology but if he wakes her up in the middle of the night#saying ‘babe I’m horny’ she just. fucking. would go down on him. then and there.#LIKE SHE WOULD SEE HIM TAKING A PEACEFUL BATH AND GO ‘i wanna fuck you slide over’#and the exhibitionist kink 😭😭 don’t even get me started on that.#Javi was always a mama’s boy so he is THE best at cooking. his mom is even better. (typical desi mom Rina 😭👍🏻)#and so he makes them food. and she does the dishes because his prosthetics don’t let him do watery work good.#Amelia isn’t good with lovey dovey words. Javi is a POET.#HE TOLD HER HE LOVED HER BY WRITING HER A SONG#AND TELLING HER ‘you are the very oxygen i breathe’.#and he waited for her confession for three years 😭 for her to fall in love with him and for her to tell him she loved him#and like#idk man#also she steals all of his clothes.#Javi got vvv annoyed once realising she doesn’t have ANY super loose sweatshirts and comfortable things to wear. not even pyjamas.#(she used to prefer sleeping naked) but ever since she discovered Javi’s oversized hoodies… that fit juuust perfectly. theresno going back.#ever#anyway thank you for coming to my ted talk :D#they’re sooooo in love your honor I cant~#power rangers#power rangers dino fury#amelia jones#Javi garcia#cosmic fury#power rangers cosmic fury#dino fury
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chainsaw man makes you think its a sick action anime where a horny guy made of chainsaws murders a bunch of guys and gets a sorta fucked up found family along the way, but then you watch it and its actually about a 15 year old boy getting groomed and everybody hates everyone else but theyre mostly busy hating themselves and then everyone dies
#csm spoilers#chainsaw man spoilers#they introduce like 8 characters in one episode and then kill them like two episodes later#half the characters in the intro dont show up until yhe very last episode and they all get like one line apiece#not eyepatch finding out denji is a minor and then STILL TRYING TO SLEEP WITH HIM???#'i didnt take advantage of you last night right? oh good i totally wouldve gone to jail'#HELLO????? DO YOU HEAR YOURSELF????????#ik anime is like that but i still just couldnt stomach the show after that#she died like 5 minutes later tho so it was fine#you lied to me i was promised found family#and i got a bunch of fucked up teens who need therapy but instead get groomed#feel bad show of the year#i get its not supposed to make you feel good by the end#and maybe its really effective for that#but i was upset by the wrong things i think#i didnt care when any of the characters died because they had just been introduced like one episode agu#i didnt even remember any of their names#honestly not a good show#ive never liked mappas stuff#theyre allergic to filler and thats their proboem#they dont take the time to make me care about the characters before they kill them#tl;dr i didnt like it#chainsaw man#csm
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cant stress how obsessed i am with yamaguchis shirt
#snap chats#this is rgg related because i said so shut up ANYWAY#i DID steal this from twitter but i need to share it every with everyone so im not sorry#the person i stole this from rt'd a photoset from themselves and in it motomiya wearing The Silliest outfit ever#but ive already shared too much. ive already gone off topic too much we're moving on#i will bookmark it tho cause it makin me giggle#anyway if you cant read it. and id be so happy to type out what it says.#it says 'can't miss it!! you've got to go to nepal they have a big festival called Maha Shivaratri full moon night in february'#dont know why it makes me giggle it just does. like fuck man maybe i SHOULD go to nepal in february <- maha shivaratri is in march next yea#anyway everyone be nice to me today i have a spanish exam later and it Should be easy#but i was fighting god and the devil last night trying to sleep because my cramps decided to kick my ass EXTRA hard#I NEVER GET BAD CRAMPS WHYYYY DID IT HAVE TO BE BEFRE AN EXAM WHEN I NEED GOOD SLEEP !!!!!!#im lucky my spanish class is in the evening but god it was so painful#the last time i experienced pain as bad as that was when i was trying to sleep after busting my wrist#so awful.... i hurt a lil now but i'll get through it#ok bye let me study up just to reaffirm some Spanish Knowledge with myself
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so tired, so sleepy
#there will be no hamilton lyrics post today but i'm gonna answer two asks tomorrow#i'm just... fucking exhausted#working my fourth night shift in a row & i barely even get any sleep & i think i have a crisis today#and the problem is that i really like this job but i feel like i have literally no life#last month was crazy#i am always at work i fear#i barely get 4 hours for myself each day & it's only because i literally force myself to get up when i should be resting#because there's another night shift ahead#and i don't want to sleep all day so#idk#i want to cry#working 10 hours each night is probably not good for my health even if it's a well paid job#but sincerely can you hear me?*
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3:35 to 4:10 in Levitate is so unbelievably comforting to me. In the best (and worst) way possible, it truly does feel like levitation.
The best way I can describe it is laying in someone's arms, lover, friend, foe or family, and simply basking in the comfort they give you. One arm wrapped, gently, around your middle, fingers tracing invisible patterns on your clothes, and the other hand softly combing through your hair as they whisper soft nothings in your ear. You're on the brink of sleep; half listening to their words and half being drawn in by the comfort of the drowsy void.
It's a warm hug that you never want to leave. (catch me replaying that part over and over)
#and then the breakdown#(since you all seem to like it so much when I get depressive with these I'll pull out my thoughts)#my mind always conjurs two things with the breakdown; death and mourning#when you think of levitation you either think of magic or death; the soul rising up to Heaven#the choir that joins Vessel singing are angels as he tries to comfort the person dying in his arms.#the breakdown is when he finally realises that's it; they're gone#he brought down Heaven like an ancient bygone for them knowing their own wings wouldn't find it#but by God he'll scream and cry and year himself inside out over it even if he told himself that he would accept it#('death' can either be interpreted as actual death or the act of leaving someone for good ->#those last few seconds of calm is having one last moment with them before they rise to where he can't reach them)#if you can't tell I'm in my sad yearning hours because I didn't sleep last night and I'm stressed about trying to get tickets but we ball 💪#sleep token#st#sleep token analysis#levitate (song)#levitate#sundowning#mel's rambles
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dear gods i adore horror tbh but i am way too sensitive to it
#⋯ ꒰ა starry thoughts ໒꒱ *·˚#idk how to describe 'sensitive' rn i'm dying in the head i should be asleep but Man!!!!!#i search up tons of horror stuff for funsies. movies uhh creepypastas stories real life events etc. fun!#BUT it freaks me out wayyy too much. bcs i really don't deal well w Those feelings of paranoia.#my imagination too good i was scared at night going to sleep bcs i'd imagine what to do if an intruder came in from the bedroom door#or bathroom door and think of how i'd escape Death.........#Did Not Help my area before was kinda yk. chillax. chillax meaning grassy tree-sy backyard overgrown trees#old-ish in a filipino chill neighborhood that isn't very fancy ?????? idk.#and the fact one time my dad almost died and someone standing close to him Did die so. haha. traumatized from that.#I WASN'T THERE..... but i rmbr my dad coming home and the news absolutely terrified me. anyway!#wow... rambling on tumblr at 3 and a half am... Nostalgic.#anyway yeah i love love love horror stuff but i am !!! so bad w them !!! like jesus christ i adore resident evil and bloodborne#is my whole bloodline. or something. but i can't even watch my twin kill 1 zombie in a re game Demo (she can't do it either)#and i can only make it to killing the first monster in bloodborne and explore a tiny bit where there are still no enemies. god.#AAAGGGGHHHhhhh ... and the first point of horror in omori then i stop playing for months...... even tho i rlly wna play more :((#2024 ........ cmon... i will try to overcome my fears more.#i've improved somewhat at least! ...from when i was younger. like. man. i could never stay in night-time in games ever.#ffxv? nah i always have to travel at morning. only when i got strong enough that daemons were nothing to me did i stop#getting scared. ouuughhh... and i always try to be stealthy in games........... for many reasons ofc but 1. Scared#okay i shut up now. apollo rambles of tonight: done and over!
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“i’m all alone, but i’m as happy as can be!”
#aka top 10 things i wish i could drill into my coworkers brains grrrrrrrrrrrrrrnrhrhbgbgbfbfbfnf#‘you should get a bf’ ‘when are you gonna get married and have kids?’ how about n e v e r#i just want to sleep when i’m not on the clock mans i don’t want to waste my precious sleep time on others#i mean. i don’t even leave the house on my days off. not to go shopping or anything bc sleep is more important~~~#and stuff can be bought online anyways s o o o o o#g o d speaking of online purchases thoughhh this massage seat i bought online came in yesterday and it works amazingly well~~~~~#used it for half an hour last night and i was relaxed enough to sleep for 11-12 hours straight#wish i had space for an actual massage chair though but this will have to do…#it’s been my dream to own a massage chair for the longest time…… but ig this massage seat is good enough……#i can just slap it onto my desk chair and b a m ✨instant paradise✨#speaking of instant though… one of my coworkers was commenting on my love for instant noodles the other day#‘you’ll ✨d i e✨ faster if you eat a lot of cup noodles yk?’ he said#so ✨o f c✨ my mouth chose to work faster than my brain when i replied with ‘i’m fine with that bc i won’t have to work then’#he and another coworker laughed :( sadded#b u t i finally had my cup noodles that i ‘customised’ at the cup noodle museum today and it was good~~~~~~~ i have good taste (self praise)#the best part was the lack of spring onions!!!! bc screw spring onions really who decided that they should be included with most cup noodles#or just noodles in general? the texture sucks and they don’t even taste good man. why would you even add spring onions?#it’s number 2 in my list of most hated food toppings. it loses only to ikan bilis bc s c r e w ikan bilis or dried anchovies or whatever#they’re known as >:( i hateeeeee how takeout places will just assume that you want ikan bilis and lop on a huuuuugeeeee serving of them#atop your food as you desperately and futilely b e g them to stop#and when you try to pick them out they just!!!! keep turning up everywhere instead?????#like hello???? how did you manage to get to the bottom of the bowl???? you were only added as a topping!!!!!!!#also. their eyes are really creepy. and the heads get detached from the bodies all the time and just. seeing the eyes ruins my appetite.#wait this was supposed to be about my coworkers and their pushiness in a matter that doesn’t concern them how did we get so far off-topic—#chizuutan chizpost
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Do you think if I wish hard enough my mom will get electrocuted by a string of Christmas lights and just go up in a cloud of smoke. It’d be a Christmas miracle
#I’m not even DOWN THERE YET and I want to fucking KILL HER#I have to work Christmas Eve and the day after Christmas. I live four hours away from my family#I told her this MANY TIMES I said I’ll drive down after work on Christmas Eve be there Christmas morning but I need to leave by 3-4 to get#home at a reasonable hour so I can have time to unpack/catch up on a couple days of chores/get plenty of sleep#she called me last night and told me she didn’t schedule Christmas stuff until SIX PM#and when I said why tf did you do that I’m not staying that late#she got mad and upset and was like ‘it’s the only time everyone is free :(‘#BUT THEN proceeded to tell me we were having lunch with her HUSBAND’S family at noon#(ppl I am not close with never have been literally don’t talk to)#and everyone I know is like ‘just leave when you said you were going to anyways’#and like yeah I could but then my family is gonna be ENRAGED that I didn’t do Christmas stuff with them#and they’re like ‘well explain that your mom didnt listen to when you said you needed to leave’#but the thing is. no matter what. they’re going to take her side#I should sacrifice my time and comfort to spend time with them because they’re FAMILY#never mind that literally not a SINGLE ONE OF THEM has EVER come up to visit me#IM always expected to drive down there. but that sacrifice doesn’t count it’s not good enough#but if I stay that late I won’t be getting home until AT LEAST midnight or later#cuz my family has no fucking concept of time so if it starts at six that means it doesn’t ACTUALLY start until 7 so most of them might be#there by 8 so I’ll be expected to stay until at least 10 to sufficiently catch up with all of them#I’m going to scream I’m going to cry#if I leave early I’m the awful ungrateful terrible bitch who never comes to see any of them#but none of them could adjust their days by just a few hours to see me before I needed to leave#FOR MY FUCKING JOB !!!!!!!! SOMETHING COMPLETELY OUT OF MY CONTROL#and like the thing is. my piece of shit manipulative bitch mother#I KNOW she did this on purpose#I know she didn’t plan this until six to FORCE me to stay longer because she was mad I wasn’t staying long#(again… because of work… something I can’t control)#so she’s orchestrated this to put me in this position#where I have to suck it up and stay and be exhausted and have tired migraines for a week cuz I get only a couple hours of sleep and then#or leave and make everyone pissed. I hate her so FUCKING much
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vent post in tags
#have i developed a fear of going to bed?#i do not fear sleep#i just fear the agony of insomnia because that means more time for intrusive thoughts and loneliness#and i want to call my friends and be like 'long distance sleepover lol'#but at the same time#i know i can't ALWAYS do that or expect that from others#but i just.... don't want to spend nights alone anymore#I do read my Bible and practice devotionals and I do have good nights but sometimes it's just.... there are times when things get bad#anyway if any mutuals know how to counteract insomnia without drugs i would really appreciate the advice#part of me is also just begging God to bring me someone who will stay up all night with me#even just once#i don't even really pay attention to the plotline of Big Bang Theory but when mom turned it off tonight and said 'I'm gonna go to bed'#and left me alone in the living room i had to fight the urge to cry#it's just#i needed to say this#i don't expect anyone to message me but please at least keep me in your prayers because this has been going on for months and I don't want#to be silent about it anymore
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🔇-
#I need to sleep#I need to be in my own home#I’m so unsettled I’m stuck and I never do anything I want to be doing#there’s something to do that I don’t want to do and I don’t do it and I don’t do anything#and I’m tired already and I’m just going to be tired forever#if I do do something it’s all I do until my body gives out#executive function machine is broke but it’s always broken like this is a McDonald’s that never has soft serve#idk I know I can just survive but that’s all I’ve been doing for years and it doesn’t mean anything#get to the next day yes and that is valuable but will it ever mean anything#I don’t have the energy to find out#because each day is worn so thin#stretched out#too little butter on too much toast or whatever Bilbo said#idk it’s hard to put to words bc it’s not like I’m busy#it’s not like I have more to do than other people#but it costs me so much#and it never feels satisfying#even when I’m finally doing it I’m always doing it at the wrong time#always the wrong time#no one has this much time to burn#I’m worried I’m killing myself with this but I can’t even feel it#I just need to get moving but even if I do it will be the wrong time#I have the time but I shouldn’t use it like this it’s wrong so I don’t have the time#don’t trust your brain in the middle of the night kids#it’s not a good one#for the priv
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WILL MY FLATMATE FUCKING STOP PUTTING WASHING ON BEFORE 7AM ON A SATURDAY
#im at my fucking limit. good for u girl being up and at it at 6 on a weekend but I wanted to fucking SLEEP IN.#i tried to fall back asleep but its kept waking me back up. and now my sleep has been disturbed im gonna be cranky all day#im not like her i cant sleep whenever nap whenever this is the only time of day i can get some rest. come on man#she woke me up yesterday morning too which rly pissed me off bc i get up at 6:30 for work on weekdays#so waking me up BEFORE THEN when she doesnt even have to go to work for like. another HOUR LATER THAN I DO!!!! pisstake#the fact i didnt sleep well was WHY i had a migraine at work and WHY i had to cancel on her fucking movie night#man i just wanted to sleep thru until 8am. its not even that much to ask please#at least she wont do this the next couple days bc she would never disturb the beauty sleep of our other friend lmao#ill text her and ask her not to do this again. just so annoying bc it sets the tone for the whole day#whatever#.diaries
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getting wigs for characters with the same hair color as myself make me feel like the biggest dumbass around but youd have me fucked thinking im burdening myself with daigos 2000's emo cut just for a weekend
#snap chats#a weekend is generous im only going to the con on saturday#i like how im making it sound like anime nyc is this weekend when its at the end of august LMAO BUT NO LISTEN#unfortunately beauty influencers have finally done their job right and this one guy was reviewing an eyebrow pencil#but the twist is that this pencil was like. SUPPPER STUPID FINE im talkin .08mm and he demonstrated how it could imitate stubble#SO OF COURSE. my ass wanted to see for myself cause as much as i like my sponge-stippling method its not super precise#and that shit gets annoying when most of it looks fine but then i press too hard or i angle the sponge wrong and now i gotta start over#In Any Case the pencil i got did exactly as i hoped and its actually p fun putting on LMAO. i prefer how it looks too#anyway how this all relates to this post. im probably gonna go as y2 daigo again for anime nyc in august#and I Repeat im not cutting my hair for that LMAO so. Wig 😩#i like it when i cosplay him cause i just go by his actual design cause if i even breathe near skinny jeans ill wanna kms#also i just like to be as accurate as i can be yk. plus the leather pants i have are cozy and theyre one of my fave pairs of pants 🤤#in any case. whenever that wig comes in ermmmmm i dont trust myself to take pictures 😞 my selfie game is dick#maybe ill stream yk2 LMAO but anyway. good night i think im gonna force myself to sleep now#i got back to my dorm like four hours ago or whatever and i am not looking forward to doing school shit again. alongside comm shit#OH WELL we ball good night#wait before i Good Night cackling as i have my meds next to my aoki tablet and plush#great reminder honestly. Take Your Meds Or You'l Convince Yourself To Be A Republican#ok goodnight fr now im gonna giggle and kick my feet thinking of cosplay
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loki season two has me screaming crying throwing up trying not to get dragged back into the mcu trenches
#i am stronger than this. i am better than this!!#by the trenches i mean consuming fanfiction at an unhealthy rate. fourteen year old me was insane i think i was on ao3 more than i slept#that’s not exaggeration. i was getting four hours of sleep on school nights and frequently went to bed at 5am on weekends#it is ONE good story. one. literally not worth it. i don’t even care about ninety percent of the mcu characters#i will ignore the little voice in my head reminding of the sheer amount of fanfiction. this was my pre-tumblr days#so my fandom interaction was like. youtube and ao3. maybe instagram posts sometimes. it was so much fun like. zero drama zero discourse#i was honestly living my best life. got less interested when i joined tumblr and went full doctor who mode#and after endgame i watched i think wandavision and loki and that was it. just didnt care anymore lol#i know exactly why this is happening tho. currently the thing i am insane about is my own damn project. which i am in the process of writin#for obvious reasons no fandom there. bc it lives in my mind twenty four fucking seven#i do wonder if i’m kind of growing away from fandom anyway? the closest i’ve got since toh ended was homestuck tbh#i want to feel obsessed with something again!! everything i’m into now - tma tlt and the like - i love them#but it doesnt hit like it used to. i don’t know it’s hard to explain#like video essays that i would have loved a few years ago!! the hour long ones about representation and queer media#they just irritate me now! i got halfway through one last week and had to bail i just could not care less#how did 2020 social media have me convinced that x character being gay was super important politically economically socially etc#ofc the answer is that i was a baby lesbian getting even less social interaction than normal#like representation is important obviously but also. sometimes it was not that deep#i don’t know if i’m making sense tbh but you get my drift#morganposting
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