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crabonfire · 2 years

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poly tf2 mercs x reader??

lmao sorry- my mind cant make up which character to like so

you have no idea I have been YEARNING for someone to request this! I'm literally polyamorous myself and oh my god thank u so much!!! I let out a loud squeal when I read this bcs I was so happy

Poly!Mercenaries X Reader!

characters: all mercs :)

Scout and Pyro

Engineer, Demoman and Soldier

Spy and Sniper

Heavy and Medic

warning: none!!!

note: reader is gender neutral! plus if u like this I might make a part two with different polyamorous mercs :D

♡Scout and Pyro♡

• scouts love language is acts of service and pyro's is quality time.

• someone needs to put all three of you in a psych ward

• sometimes when you all go on a walk in the street Scout will accidentally cause trouble with someone and Pyro will join in and fight them and you either join in or get them out before the cops come.

• oh my god.

• they're pretty fun to be with. Scout is usually a flustered mess whenever Pyro or you show any affection towards him due to the fact he had to fight for affection from his mother as a child. Its new to him, especially by two of the people he adores.

• Pyro and Scout draw together, and whenever your down they will both make you doodles of stuff that makes you happy. They will make your room super comfortable while Pyro gets a bunch of snacks from the fridge, sitting together to get ready for movies!

• You guys have this thing where whenever one of yall are feeling down, Scout goes to buy an insanely terrible movie and the last person to laugh or groan at the movie wins. It really cheers you up.

They're not the best at comforting words, so they show comfort by actions.

They're both pretty clingy! An hour away from you Pyro is already whining while Scout is just trying to make due. But usually they'll still have a good time together, sometimes going on their own dates while your away.

If they go somewhere, they'll get you something from there as a "souvenir" and beg you to come there the next time they go so nobody gets left out.

• Scout loves peppering the both of you with kisses, he doesn't mind that Pyro has a mask usually he'll be silly and blow Pyro a kiss from the distance. It makes the both of you giggle, he's such a goof.

Pyro gives you both mask kisses...Well more like boops. Though if your far into your relationship, day by day he'll start opening up more about himself. He starts by not wearing gloves around you, to lifting his mask up slightly to give you both a proper kiss. (random but I headcannon my boy has a tooth gap :D)

It makes both of your hearts melt to know he trusts you enough to do this, and he's thankful for your patience.

The three of you look very chaotic to other people but alone together you are just real sweet to each other. They both get so calm around you that they don't feel the need to show off or cause chaos, yall just wanna hang out sometimes yk?

♡Engineer, Demoman, and Soldier♡

• Engie's love language is quality time, Demo's is words of affirmation, and Soldier's is acts of service AND quality time.

• goddamnit yall r so cute

• the actual power couple

• Let me describe to you what they are like

Dell's the calm one, he's usually the one getting the three of you out of trouble but he himself loves a little fun sometimes.

Demo is the fun one, he always takes you all out on interesting landmarks and sometimes even dangerous activities that might kill you.

Soldier is the loud one, he will not shut the fuck up. He loves to hear yall talk about your day, loves to gossip about how work has been, but also loves to speak about his achievements and show all three of you off to random people he meets.

• "THIS IS ENGIE! HE HAS 11 PHDS AND HE IS A GENIUS! SMARTER THAN YOULL EVER BE."

"Aw geez Solly, ya don't have to say that..."

And then

"DEMOMAN! BEST FRIEND AND BOYFRIEND, I LOVE HIM. HES VERY SWEET! HE CAN SWOON ANYBODY!"

"Lad...yer makin me blush."

or even

"THIS IS Y/N! ARE YOU SHOCKED BY THEIR GORGEOUSNESS? I AM TOO. DONT GET TOO CLOSE, YOU MIGHT FALL FOR THEM."

"Pfft-Soldier..."

• in general yall r just adorable. They're all so sweet to each other and to you too, yall always eat together and they'll always be there for you if you wanna rant or vent about your day.

All of them are amazing listeners, and good at comforting...how?? How did you get so damn lucky? They'll cuddle up around you as one of them holds you, listening to you talk and ramble about how bad of a day its been.

Soldier will give you a motivational and surprisingly really helpful speech, Demoman will hype you up and tell you it's gonna be okay, and Engie likes to make you your favorite foods to make you feel better.

They're not as touch starved as others may think, but one day they don't see you they start to miss you a lot. Please don't leave them alone for too long, they can go mess around together but it doesn't feel the same with you left out.

♡Sniper and Spy♡

• snipers love language is physical touch and words of affirmation, Spy's is quality time and gift giving.

• you get so spoiled with affection by them

• sniper was always a secluded man, so was spy. But brought together they were amazing....and then your here? The whole relationship is so sweet.

• Sniper will hold your hand any chance he gets, Spy holding your other hand. You three like to go on quiet walks at noon, enjoying the weather and even going to a cafe on the way.

• Spy absolutely spoils the both of you with gifts, expect a gift from him atleast two times a week.

• you guys don't really go to loud areas since Sniper doesn't enjoy them, so your dates are usually real intimate.

I'm talking picnics under a tree as the sun is setting, watching the clouds as the three of you joke and talk about.

Or, romantic dates by the sea...enjoying the scenery and maybe even going for a swim.

You three are the most calm couple out of all of them I'd say.

Even though sniper and spy have many differences, they still are so cute together! they match like puzzle pieces and are great to be with.

• though...there are times those differences do get to them. Sometimes they'd have petty fights over...something. if this does happen, just talk to them both about it and give them some time, they'll just hug it out and it'll be fine then.

• if your ever upset, they will try their best to be there. Sniper will comfort you with the sweetest things you've ever heard, holding you tightly. While Spy gets a reservation at a private restaurant booked for the three of you that night, taking you out and making you forget about your troubles.

♡Heavy and Medic♡

• Heavy and Medic both are acts of service and quality time.

• aw :)

• okay this might be even sweeter than all of them

• the two of them are even more secluded than Sniper and Spy. Medic is usually always in his medbay working away, while Heavy is usually resting, cleaning Sasha, or doing light reading to pass the time.

They're not much talkers unless the topics really interest them, so that's why your here!

The three of you are like that old couple down your street who do the most corny shit ever, knitting for each other except its with medic and heavy and you lmao

• Heavy and Medic teach each other their language, and you get taught too! If you also happen to speak another language, expect them to wanna learn it.

Yall have duolingo sessions and it's the cutest shit ever.

"Okay now say, 'Apa kabar, nama saya' then you say your name."

"...Apa...Kahbar? Nahma saye-"

"Pfft-BAHAHAHHAAHA-"

you laugh your ass off as the two of them are desperately trying to spell what your saying. They end up laughing too! It's a fun thing you three do in as little dates.

(ps what I wrote is read as uh-pah- kuh-bar- nah-ma sa-yuh" it's indonesian!! fun fact otd)

• Heavy likes to write the both of you Russian literature, you both don't quite understand what they mean but after a couple months of studying with him you both melt due to how sweet they are.

• Medic loves to ramble about his experiments, he will never ever ask you to volunteer unless its something that he knows won't hurt either of you.

When Heavy misses the both of you, he will carry you both in his arms and hug yall tightly.

"Heavy has missed you both."

"Aw, I've missed you too babe."

"Ja, its been boring without jou!"

Yall are just really wholesome.

• if your ever upset, truthfully speaking they won't know how to comfort you in words. So they will show it by just being there for you.

Heavy will squeeze your hand while letting you cry into him, as Medic made you tea as it soothes the nerves. They will both just let you cry it all out, not knowing how to reply much.

But the next day, they will just make sure that day is amazing. They will both go out of their way to make sure nothing van ruin your mood for that day to make up for yesterday. Broke your favorite pencil? Heavy will get you a better one. You feel dizzy? Come over to medbay, Medic will prepare and make sure they never bother you again.

They're so sweet it gives you cavities, even though they don't know how to say it, they sure are good at showing you. (I love men sm♡)

Hope u enjoyed!

we need more poly mercs.

-sincerely, a polyamorous person

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crabonfire · 11 months

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brutally honest ship ratings from somebody who doesn’t ship anything much, no offense, just what I think!!

It’s 2 am and I can’t sleep haha

starting off w the ones I usually see to least

sniperpy 4/10

bland and boring. I get the enemies to lovers dynamic people usually have but i just think it’s boring lmao

bush medicine 6/10

I like the quiet guy and overbearing lover trope but…honestly like sniperspy, bit boring imo

heavymedic 7/10

boring but not in the bad way. I can see em happen, and I think they’d do cute domestic shit together. your typical gay couple.

boots n bombs 9/10

silly. no further questions.

engiepyro idk what they’re called 7/10

cute! Nothing interesting tho

speeding bullet 8/10

love this trope, annoying little prick and quiet man. sure why not!

demosniper 7/10

cute dynamic actually? it’s like bush medicine but better (sorry)

pyroscout 6,5/10

cute, but it’s a bit boring.

medicscout -/10

seriously? 💀

engiesol 9/10

gold. love it.

heavydemo 7,8/10

seen it a couple times and honestly it’s nice. not much to say, not boring, but not too interesting. cute.

engiedemo 9/10

okay this one maybe just maybe I’m a bit biased bcs they are both in my top 3 but,,, cute. old people cute.

scout and ms Pauling ?/10

I heard Ms Pauling wasn’t straight? my personal headcannon for her was that she was bi but I have no clue on her canon sexuality so I can’t say much about this 😭 I like them better as friends anyway

zhannasoldier 10/10

my favorite bisexual couple

demopauling 8/10

basic but I like it??? I’ve seen it once or twice and honestly cute 😭

zhannapauling 8/10

sniperspy if it was good (IM KIDDINGGGGG) I think both characters are criminally underrated and I could see how they would work and I find them cute honestly

that’s all for now I probably missed some unheard of rare pair but it’s late and I’m trying to fall asleep, you can argue with my ratings but as I’ve said these are BRUTALLY honest and I probably won’t change my mind (because I don’t ship much and I don’t care)

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