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rorygilmoreclown · 9 months

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Cunk on Ketterdam (pt.2)

Nikolai x Cunk

A/n: took me months didn't this. I also just know that Nikolai would most likely end up broke and in dept in monopoly (just like Ravka)

Word count: 700 something

Cunk: I've been told that you are the king of Ravka and hence I should ask you respectable questions only. I hope you know that I won't be sticking to that tale. I'm somewhat rebellious.

Nikolai: I didn't expect any less.

Cunk: So Nikolai, you are on the king level right? So what's next on the ranking? What's the next level?

Nikolai: There is no next level. This is it.

Cunk: That's a boring video game then isn't it. You should stop playing. But I suppose you have the side quest of trying to be a parakeet to keep you invested.

Nikolai: What? I'm not trying to be a parakeet?! I think you mean privateer.

Cunk: With all due respect, I know what I'm talking about, please don't kinsplain it to me. I also think that you are doing a horrible job at trying to be a parakeet. Okay, next question. They say 'all roads lead to Ravka,' but have you considered putting up some road signs just to be sure?

Nikolai: I don't know who they are but sure, I'll put up signs everywhere.

Cunk: Do you think you would add audio signs since your parakeet friends can't read?

Nikolai: I don't have any parakeet friends, and my privateer friends know how to read anyways.

Cunk: That's a bit sad innit? Anyways I've heard you've got quite the head for strategy. Have you ever considered applying your tactical genius to a game of Monopoly? Those battles can get brutal. I have to warn you.

Nikolai: (Already asking his staff to get it for him)

Cunk: If you were to throw a kingdom-wide party, what would be your go-to dance move? The 'Royal Rumba' or the 'Monarch Mambo'?

Nikolai: That's a clever one, i see what you did there. However I refuse to speak on the topics of my kingdom's hierarchical structure.

Cunk: Man, you are not the person I'd take to any party. So tell me Nikolai, being a king must come with a lot of perks. Do you get a 'royal discount' on those fancy robes, or do you just use coupons like the rest of us?

Nikolai: I actually had this tailor by my staff.

Cunk: You make being a king sound almost lavish. (Talking to her crew: Find me a place to establish my rule and become a king would you?)

Nikolai: I could just give you my tailor? Ruling a kingdom just for clothes would be expensive.

Cunk: Speaking about ruling the kingdom, they say 'behind every great king is a great advisor.' So, who's your go-to person for deciding which socks to wear?

Nikolai: Agastya Yu. That's my socks choosing staff. Cunk: Well, they are doing a good job. (Pointing to his seagull themed socks)

Cunk: If you were stranded on a deserted island with only one Grisha power, which one would it be? I hear controlling seagulls can be quite handy.

Nikolai: I'm not sure that that's an actual power, although being a squaller might have an advantage.

Cunk: Isn't that what I just said? Power of controlling the seagulls.

Nikolai: (Entertaining all the whimsicalness at this point) Yes ofcourse.

Cunk: Talking about your trauma, rumor has it that you've faced some pretty monstrous creatures. How do you handle them? I'm asking for a friend, Mark, he's so terrified of garden gnomes these days. Poor boy can't even go out on his lawn.

Nikolai: (He thinks he's clever by deflecting this one) Why does he have garden gnomes and how as well, if he's so scared of them?

Cunk: No one just has garden gnomes Nikolai. They appear on their own. (To the crew: Had he been living under a rock?)

Cunk: That's it, I'm giving you my presentation on humanity next week. Be ready. This boy clearly knows nothing about the real world now does he.

Stay tuned for the next interview with the famous chef inej ghafa.

#grishaverse #shadow and bone #nikolai #nikolai lanstov #nikolai lanstov x reader #nikolai x reader #philomena cunk #philomena cunk x nikolai #cunk on earth #cunk on britain #cunk on everything #cunk on shakespeare #Cunk on Ketterdam #six of crows #soc #so

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rorygilmoreclown · 1 year

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Gonna include this in the Cunk on Ketterdam series. (Although i know this won't be Cunk on Ketterdam exactly)

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rorygilmoreclown · 1 year

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Cunk on Ketterdam

Prompt: I have a generous request to all of the great fanfiction writers that please for the love of God can you write something like all the Crows are getting interviewed in Cunk on Earth 😭 . I would love to see them being flabbergasted by the questions of Philomena. It can also be Crows x Reader, where the reader takes the place of Philomena.

A/n: I tried my best. Will prolly make it a series since it’s such an interesting concept. Lmk which character you want next. I have more for Kaz Brekker also. 😭

Word Count: 497 words

Y/n: Welcome on the Ketterdam TV, Mr. Brekker. I have been informed to remind you from time to time that not giving us an answer would result in deduction of kruge from your share.

Kaz: I understand.

Y/n: Now let’s start from the basics, the first question is, how many birthday party performances do you have on your resume?

Kaz: For what reason would I go to a tiny terrors’ tumultuous tribute?

Y/n: No, it says here (checking your script) that you are a magician. So I assumed that you’d work at parties.

Kaz: I’m not a magician.

Y/n: Very well then, next question, would you audition for the play of Now You See Me 3? I heard they need a magician. Although you would have to do something other than card tricks. A character in the 2nd play has already accomplished that.

Kaz: Is this a joke? I'll leave that to the performers with less refined tastes.

Y/n: You have a bit of an emo vibe don’t you. You’d fit right into the band My Chemical Romance. Now, I have to ask, do you think your name would be better if it was spelled with a 'z' instead of a 'k'? You know, like "Kaz the Kool Kid" or "Zaz the Zany Zebra"?

Kaz: (looking around at the exits so soon) I’d prefer if you would stick to Mr. Brekker.

Y/n: Party pooper. Okay, moving on. I've heard you're a great leader of the Dregs, but have you ever thought about starting a band? I hear kazoo music is making a comeback.

Kaz: I’m quite satisfied with my current employment.

Y/n: Does your mother agree with your profession?

Kaz: 👁️👄👁️

Y/n: And that’s what I thought. That’s why I was suggesting alternatives. I want to know where you stand on diversity. Considering your employees are all diverse.

Kaz: I pick my crows based on their work, and not those extraneous factors.

Y/n: Is that why all of you have one thing in common?

Kaz: Yes, all of us are-

Y/n: - (cutting him off) in dire need of therapy.

Kaz: No, we don’-

Y/n: Producers told me you might be in denial. Moving on, when are you going to change the last name of your adopted child?

Kaz: I don’t have a child.

Y/n: My saints the denial phase is worse than I had thought. Although I’ll tell you, I was talking about your son, Wylan Van Eck. Is he not your child? And answer carefully, he might cry if you deny again.

Kaz: (not saying no but not saying yes either)

Y/n: I’ll take that as a “as soon as possible”. Now, at last, the most simple question. Do you keep saying “Hello Inej” every five minutes?

Kaz: No. I do not. That is absurd.

Y/n: (to the producers) I think you should offer him free therapy sessions, he desperately needs them.

Taglist: @wrapperpaper @lady-ashfade

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rorygilmoreclown · 1 year

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currently writing like 7 fics all at once so pls choose. For those of you who don't know the Cunk on Ketterdam series, it's where an interview of the characters is conducted, and in it the interviewer asks nonsensical questions like philemona does from Cunk on earth. it's funny even if you haven't watched the show. go read it. it's on my blog.

working on the entire series of Cunk on Ketterdam because it's super easy and fast process. will start posting from tomorrow and then post every alternate day.

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