i’m very bemused about the developments (nothing really happened lol) re: riawin this episode..........

like naturally her implying like “oh you’re wholly unattractive to me of course” is. not the most encouraging and natch like, i guess overall my takeaway is to be like “well i guess i should brace myself harder for the intention re: this arc to just be that winston has a hopeless unrequited crush and rian thinks he’s alright but is wholly uninterested b/c why would anyone be interested lol” And Yet i still can’t write it off as [winston is just gonna be the butt of the joke as a cringe loser with a fail one-sided crush] b/c like. it still wasn’t entirely clear-cut??? and it’d be really easy to shoot him down even harder / have her be more obviously repulsed and >:/ about it or whatever

like a) complicating factor that nobody’s sober in this scene, though we can maybe read into it as both of them being a bit more Unfiltered than usual and b) complicating factor that it’s been made clear that rian likes to mess with him and has prior insulted him while not Really making it about dunking on him, i.e. her calling him a douche while arguing for him Not being fired, and here it’s like....his attention can’t be Completely cringe and fail to her, in that she’s like. fine to talk to him, obviously he’s at least not like, getting the [oh god the quant being interested in someone? how awful for them b/c that must be so gross and annoying / frustrating for them] and. at the very least rian seems not antagonized l o l.......not saying the most, but it would be Very plausible for billions to have gone that route of like. the Joke being that someone is dealing with the cringe quant’s fail romantic interest

aaaand again i’m moved Slightly more in the direction of “://// guess i’d better at least Expect it could very well just Stay a one-sided crush” like, keep that 60/40 or whatever lol, And Yet.......you’d think that it’d be 100/0 either way by now? as weird as it is that, if this is something that’s gonna Happen, we’re 3 eps in and nobody’s kissed b/c usually billions gets there in 2 episodes so that’s a hell of a slow burn, on the flip side it’s Also weird that we’re 3 episodes in and winston’s been crushing from the start and he hasn’t had that crush entirely shot down either? like, if billions was doing the “joke” of winston being a loser whose Interest / attention is Obviously unwanted and repulsive to whomever is the would-be recipient, it’s hardly cashing in on that joke very much? and it’s odd that this is being so drawn out lmao like. you’d think it’d have let that be a running joke of winston showing his [i have a crush] hand too much and rian going “ugh god” about it a few times and maybe finally dunking him into “I Am Clearly Completely Uninterested” zone but like......while this was, again, hardly encouraging, it hasn’t been That. aaand i’m not sure what billions would be saving that for?

like, even without the behind the scenes, info, 5x05 pretty clearly establishes Winston Has A Crush, and then their content in 5x06 isn’t very heartwarming but it still continues that, and here we have winston clearly like. seemingly not Not as taken with rian as ever even after that would-be disheartening exchange. sure, it Could just be like, putting the emphasis on being Hopelessly smitten or whatever lmao, but like, why are they continuing to set this up???? i suppose they might just at some point forget about it / drop the thread for no reason l o l but let’s assume they Don’t, billions isn’t the most prone to like. something like this being Built Up and then fading out quietly with no mention. so you know, either Relationship happens or a bit of heartbreak does. or i suppose it could be relevant in some totally coincidental way where like, the quant having Feelings plays into something that would otherwise be unrelated in an unexpected way. if this Isn’t unrequited, it’s taking a while to get there by billions standards for sure, and if it’s doomed, it’s Also taking a while to get there, and you’d think billions would lean harder into the Joke of winston’s crush being wholly unwanted and so cringe & fail of him or whatever

like ultimately this has all sure been Very set up and it’s sure weird we don’t really know where this [the Quants] plotline is going lmao like. made it v clear winston has a crush, and for What? which isn’t rhetorical like, seriously, for what lol. cuz going into this i’d’ve thought a) they’d get around to kissing already or b) winston and/or him having ~feelings~ for rian would not come up at all or c) he’d get fully shut down......and it was weird that it Did come up again but he was once more only kind of shut down but not out and out rejected? like, is this just a really slow burn, where she’s continuing to enjoy messing with him for the moment (we know she Knows he likes her and like, despite the lowered filter, it’s weird to arbitrarily bring up how hot you find something or someone or not l o l ....), or i suppose it’s possible she could like him Better as time goes on, billions doesn’t tend to wanna take its time with this stuff, but who knows, it Is taking its time with this one way or another. b/c otherwise like, this is a little mean of the show towards the character lol if the plan is for this to be a 4ever Unrequited Crush and he’s still pining 3 eps in and who knows how many more after this? not like billions has been too interested in being kind to winston, but s5 Has been better for him in some ways for sure, and again it *is* like. telling us for three episodes in a row “winston has a crush” like. okay and what’s going to come of that!!! if the “point” of dragging this out is just like. haha winston has a crush, what an idiot, then that’s like....mean to him lmao & you’d think if it was the point, billions would be Meaner about it, since like, all of s4 was like “look how Everyone is annoyed by winston and expressing this disdain for him and he doesn’t know how to have any social appeal, let’s dunk on him” lol.........and like, the even worse version of that i guess would be like, rian knows he likes her (which we know is true) and it’s entirely unrequited (which Might be true) and she likes messing with him (which seems to be true) and is just like, having fun using his crush as an avenue to thusly mess with him. which would not be nice. hopefully that’s not the case, b/c it doesn’t seem like rian does have any genuine contempt for winston or anything like that, and b/c i wouldn’t want her to be someone who does actually want to talk to him (which does seem to be true also lol) but whose Amusement with him (which has seemed 2 be harmless so far) is like. Does have a contemptuous streak to it where it’s like, she might not want to openly dunk on him or roll her eyes or tell him his metaphors are stupid or whatever, but it’d be more along the lines of like, the inherent Disrespect of viewing him as more a source of entertainment than as a person you’d want to connect with in any way. that would suck & it’d be mean of the show to be like “here’s someone who doesn’t hate winston from the start!!! but she just fundamentally dislikes him in a way that manifests entirely differently, actually” l o l..........this Worst Route would be so unnecessary in so many ways

anyways but yeah just writing out thoughts here and i’m like, well this episode all could’ve been worse lmao, and it’s just a little perplexing why this is The Third Episode In Which Winston Has A Crush and there just hasn’t been any resolution one way or another? like, what is the plan for this. rian kind of going out of her way to imply he’s wholly unappealing sure means that even if he’s clearly sweeter on her than ever that’s sort of......cancelled out by her first saying something about him Would be hot if it wasn’t him, and then by telling him she knows he likes her but just.....changing the subject lol..........like, why wasn’t he just smacked completely down in this episode. it wasn’t encouraging, i’m moving a step towards “well i guess it’s slightly more likely it’s meant to be Eternally Unrequited rather than a total coin toss” but i still don’t feel like it really tipped the scales either way and i wish it would’ve lmao like. if i *did* really think this was nailing the coffin shut i’d embrace that, would rather be bitter about it but have closure going into an indefinite hiatus than not. but this is still weirdly up in the air and yet they’re clearly like “this is a thing!!! winston having a crush on the rian is a thing!!! for these past three episodes” and that’s a long time in terms of Billions Arcs for us to Essentially be in the same place as the end of 5x05. if winston’s feelings aren’t returned and aren’t going to be at any point, why does his crush still matter? why not just let it be like, winston expresses his crush more clearly, rian more clearly lets him know it’s never gonna happen? if they Are gonna kiss or something, why is rian being quite as negative there lmao and why is it getting such a slowburn. it’s definitely a case where Winston’s Feelings Matter and don’t seem to be a total joke, which i appreciate, but i’d also appreciate some resolution here, is the tl;dr i suppose lmao

The Gendo & Rei Question, Part III

For the Intro and Part I, go here.

For Part II, go here.

Part III: The Gaze of the Prodigal Son

              Both Rei I and Rei III are “alive” for only a short period, and it is Rei II—the clone active from roughly 2014 through most of 2015—that we as the audience get to know the best. This is also the clone that has the most developed and complex relationship with Gendo, and we learn most of what we know about how Gendo views Rei as a whole from his behaviour with Rei II.

              Rei II and Gendo’s relationship during 2014-15—especially how they feel about it for themselves���is nevertheless one of the more difficult relationships to understand, since they’re two of the most mysterious characters in Evangelion. We rarely get glimpses into Rei’s point of view, and Gendo only truly speaks about his own emotional and psychological state in the final moments of his life during EoE. Even then, he only speaks of his feelings about Yui and Shinji, not Rei. In fact, he virtually never speaks to others about Rei unless he is talking about her involvement with piloting or the HIP. We only get a few glimpses of their direct interactions, and while these are highly charged with multiple layers of innuendo, those same layers of innuendo make the situation all the more opaque.

              One of the best perspectives we have on Gendo and Rei’s relationship, I argue, comes from Shinji. Granted, he’s the main character and most of the story of Evangelion is told from his point of view, but his perception of Gendo and Rei is just as valuable for another reason: he’s an outsider. NERV is by its very nature a place of secrecy and high strangeness, and it stands to reason that most of the people working there have long since become desensitized to their Commander’s odd personality quirks and the strange, solemn girl serving as his first pilot. Even Misato, who has only just recently started working in Tokyo-3 proper, has been in NERV/Gehirn’s general orbit since her childhood and thus seems fairly used to Gendo Ikari’s personality and the odd way things are done under his supervision. But now we have Shinji in the picture, who’s had minimal contact with his father and who has spent most of his life in the “normal” world, sequestered from the truth of the family business. His perspective is that of the everyman, and he is thus primed to see the unusual parts of NERV that other characters take for granted. Moreover, unlike virtually everyone else at NERV (except for Ritsuko, whose perspective I will be addressing in the future), he is uniquely invested in both Gendo and Rei as people: Gendo being his estranged father, and Rei being his co-pilot and thus someone with whom he feels a sense of camaraderie (even if he barely knows her).

              Shinji arrives at NERV shortly after Rei has a serious accident—one that he does not yet know about. His first-ever interaction with Rei happens in tandem with his first interaction with Gendo in years, and this consists of Gendo dangling a wounded, crying girl over Shinji’s head to manipulate him into piloting Unit-01. It is a brutal, cruel tactic, and Shinji seems to recognize this for exactly what it is. He has already accused Gendo of just using him (something to which Gendo openly admits); from his perspective, it at first seems that his father cares just as little for the poor young woman on the gurney who can barely stand, much less pilot.

              This viewpoint is only challenged when, unknown to Gendo, Shinji spots the burn scars covering his father’s palms in Episode 5. His reaction to being told the truth—that Gendo freed the wounded Rei from her overheated entry plug bare-handed (a scene I will discuss in later essays)—clearly stuns him after seeing the cold, calculating way Gendo used her condition to manipulate him earlier. “Father did that?” he blurts out. The concept clearly seems unbelievable to him, defying everything he thinks he knows of Gendo being a heartless, cold, selfish man.

              Interestingly enough, as Ritsuko describes Gendo’s heroic deed to Shinji, the “camera” momentarily moves outside the limits of Shinji’s perspective and shows us what Gendo is doing at that very moment. He is bare-handed (a rarity for him during the A-plot) and for once he has an open, receptive expression on his face as he examines the Angel’s core in obvious wonder and fascination. His lips almost form an excited little smile and the harsh lines of his face are softened. His naked hands touch the core gently, practically caressing it with just his bare fingertips. Considering Evangelion’s repeated use of hand- and touch-related symbolism, it is likely meant to reflect something of his inner emotional world. This is the first time during the A-plot (that is, the plot following Shinji’s perspective and experiences) in which we see Gendo with his emotional guard down. And it comes at the exact moment Shinji learns of his father’s act of self-sacrificial vulnerability for Rei’s sake.

              The idea that his father might allow himself to be hurt for anyone is utterly alien to Shinji, and this in turn is what prompts him to become more curious about Rei. Notably, the next scene is one of immediate contrast: “The burns on his palms are from then,” says Ritsuko, recalling the searing heat of the plug. The shot instantly cuts to a young girl’s body plunging into water. It’s just a small touch, but yet another masterful moment in the way Evangelion uses visual language and careful word choices to create an unspoken discussion on themes. This, we are being told, is going to be an episode about contrasts and subversions. It will also be an episode about sex.

              The poolside scene is the first in which Rei is first explicitly treated as a sexual being—at least from others’ points of view. Shinji is teased twice about his interest in Rei, the first time by his friends Toji and Kensuke, both of whom clearly see Rei as a beautiful (if unapproachable and intimidating) girl. The two of them (being high school boys) describe her body in explicitly sexualized terms, much to Shinji’s embarrassment. At the same time, we’re treated to shots of Rei sitting quietly in her bathing suit, oblivious to their chatter. She is small and vulnerable, but her bare skin and curvy form has still been made into something with sexual energy and potential.

              Back at NERV HQ after school, Shinji watches Rei without her knowledge, still clearly curious about her. Notably, up until this point he has never seen any emotional expressions from her (unless you count her agony in Episode 1). She has kept her distance entirely, and he realizes that despite working together for at least a couple weeks now, he knows virtually nothing about her. There are no relationships in which he can observe her behaviour with others…except for Gendo.

              As he secretly watches within his cockpit, Shinji watches his father approach Rei. Rei suddenly begins acting her age in her body; instead of moving stiffly, she skips and hops eagerly down onto the walkway and begins chatting with Gendo, a cheerful smile on her face and her eyes bright and alert.

              What’s even more shocking to Shinji, however, is Gendo: unlike the scene with the angel core, here Shinji can actually witness his father’s change in demeanour for himself. The Gendo that Shinji knows is a stern, unfeeling man whose rare expressions are that of irritation or a cruel smugness. But as Gendo chats with Rei, his eyes are soft, and a happy smile is on his face. His cheeks even look a bit flushed. Just as important is the way they’re both speaking to each other: although we can’t hear them, we can see their body language and their interaction. They are standing face-to-face, gazing into each other’s eyes, each speaking in turn. They are practically interacting like equals.

              Is it little wonder that Shinji’s jaw is on the floor?

              As always, Anno’s masterful direction creates an unmistakable atmosphere laid across what might otherwise look like a pleasant scene. Shinji’s hidden vantage point, the oblivious radio chatter from the control room, the low single chord of background music, and the fact that we can’t hear a word that Gendo and Rei are saying: all these things contribute to the sensation that we, along with Shinji, have just witnessed something intensely private. Something that neither we nor Shinji were meant to see.

              The scene immediately following this is, once again, Shinji being teased for showing an interest in Rei—this time by two attractive older women. Again the pressure to see Rei as a sexual being is mounted, and the additional overtones of a discussion about sex between a teenager and adults is added. This rapid switch back and forth between Shinji learning about the relationship between Gendo and Rei and being repeatedly asked if he’s interested in Rei himself (all the above scenes take place over the course of about ten minutes) creates an uncomfortable dissonance that charges the episode with a confusing, unnerving sexual tension. At the same time, Rei and Gendo are explicitly brought up and compared to one another: both are terribly awkward, we are told, at life in general. 

              And that’s when the climactic scene of the episode drops on us like a N2, bringing all these interweaving themes to an awkward, disgusting, hilarious, and horrifying head. Shinji goes to Rei’s apartment to drop off her new NERV ID card. Nobody answers the door, which he finds unlocked, so he enters. The room is filthy and spartan; the girl who lives here clearly does not care much about her surroundings or her possessions.

              But Shinji is drawn to the room’s one treasure: a pair of broken glasses carefully set on top of Rei’s dresser. We as the audience are let in on a higher degree of discomfort by knowing something Shinji does not: those once belonged to Gendo, who dropped them when he recklessly pried open the plug door to rescue Rei. Gendo is thus made extremely present in the scene to the audience, even if Shinji cannot sense him.

              I should note here the significance of Gendo’s glasses as a part of his personality. I have noted before that they are an additional layer that he puts on himself as a means of separating himself from others. Though he used to wear clear lenses, after those break he switches to tinted ones, making his expressions even harder to read and representing the increasingly rapid withdrawal of his personal investment and motivations from the rest of NERV and SEELE. His glasses frequently reflect the light, making it difficult to see his eyes even when he’s wearing the clear lenses. The direction of his gaze is thus frequently hidden, and with it his thoughts, feelings, and motives.

              And yet the glasses reflect other things on occasion, too, informing the audience of what Gendo is looking at and what he’s concentrating on. Shots of his face thus have a doubling effect of simultaneously hiding and revealing his gaze: we can see glimpses of what he is gazing at, but only by looking directly at his face and into the glasses which reflect his vantage point. His perspective is simultaneously revealed and hidden.

              So as Shinji approaches the broken glasses on Rei’s dresser, his face is reflected in them—something we rarely (perhaps never?) see happen when Gendo is actually wearing them. His gaze on his son is thus simultaneously present and absent, accentuating the deep dichotomies of their relationship.

              That’s when Shinji does something that feels even more shocking (almost taboo) from the viewpoint of the audience, based on our prior knowledge: he puts them on. It is an incredibly childish gesture, reminding us once again that he’s nothing more than a curious fourteen-year-old boy, but at the same moment he—in the audience’s eyes—becomes his father (emphasized by their similar physical appearance).

              And what is the first thing he sees through his father’s eyes after he turns around and looks behind himself?

              It’s Rei, fully naked, staring back at him.

              Yet at the same time, his view of Rei is blurred and cracked, reminding us definitively that these are not his glasses.

              This, the shot suggests, is not his sight to see. This sight of Rei’s nakedness “belongs” to someone else. Already we are being told exactly what Gendo has seen, how much of it, and that he owns this sight—or at least thinks he does.

              The events that follow are on their surface hilarious due to the awkward nature of the situation, but the staging and shots used (for lack of a better word) are a recollection of the scene down in the cage: Shinji has entered in on something that he should not be witnessing, something that is not for him. Rei strides forward to seize the glasses from him, Shinji slips and topples onto her, his tote catches on her dresser drawer and sends bras and panties flying everywhere. He lands on top of her, covered  in her private items, in a slapstick missionary position with a hand on her breast—and in showing us this, the introductory focus in the pan is of her own hand clutching the glasses. Gendo’s presence is again invoked, even in this deeply awkward, intimate, and violating moment. He is the third, invisible character in this deeply sexually charged scene.

              At the same time, this is the moment where we as an audience begin to see what makes Rei tick. She seems to have no reaction to Shinji seeing her nakedness (leading us, of course, to wonder why), but it is the first moment in which she has a direct emotional reaction to Shinji: anger. But instead of hiding herself, she walks towards him and seizes the glasses away. Shinji walking in on her bathing was not a violation in her eyes, but his wearing his father’s glasses is. Once again, we are given the uncanny message that Rei’s body is treated as a commodity—including by Rei herself. This time, however, we are given an alternative source of her identity. She does not derive her sense of self from her embodiedness, but from something more intangible, represented by the one item in her life treated with reverence: the glasses. She is given her sense of identity through Gendo’s gaze, and it is Shinji’s appropriation of this gaze that she finds violating. Even as Shinji lands on top of her, a hand on her chest, her anger is gone because the issue is resolved: she has the glasses back in her possession and Shinji is no longer invading that space (even as he inadvertently invades other spaces).

              Shinji’s next violation provokes an even stronger response. Despite the horrifically awkward event, it has at least broken the ice, and as they travel together to NERV HQ he begins trying to make conversation about their commonality: Eva piloting. This then invokes the silent third party in this entire exchange: Gendo. Rei asks if Shinji has faith in his father’s work, and when he furiously denies it, she turns, looks him square in the eyes, and slaps him hard across the face.

              And this, of course, seems odd (even humorous) until one realizes why she perceives this as such an insult: she is his father’s work. An insult to her person is of no consequence in her eyes, but an insult to Gendo is an insult to something far more intrinsic to her identity and her emotional world. Between these two scenes, we have seen just how wrapped up Rei’s sense of identity is in Gendo, and in further essays I will argue that the reverse is true as well. Gendo cannot conceive of Rei as existing outside of himself, her identity is so deeply wrapped up in his own. If he ever did conceive of her as a separate being, he will have lost this ability by time Instrumentality arrives.

              Yet at the same time, between all these questions of identity and sexual violation, we see toward the end of the episode that there is a layer that is far more simple and human: Rei takes Gendo’s glasses with her into the entry plug when it’s time for her resynchronization, and she hangs them where she can look at them when she feels afraid.

              Because she is, in the end, also a fourteen-year-old who wants someone to make her feel safe.

To be continued in Part IV: Green-Eyed Monsters

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Vorfreude

Aay, my first (at the time) Pitch x Reader one-shot!

Don’t fook your professors, folks.

“When understanding the root words of our modern day languages, it can be daunting to fully comprehend the detail such a language as English can be intertwined with a multitude of other languages long forgotten,”

Dr. Pitchiner was certainly entrancing when he spoke at the podium, flourishing a hand at the list of most common prefixes and suffixes used in today’s modern English, along with a surprise list of obscure ones you knew you had to take note on. Dr. Pitchiner wasn’t one to give easy exams, the last exam was so gruelling someone almost passed out from a panic attack at the multitude of pages.

Despite enjoying writing yourself, you weren’t as invested in English as he was, which was a given, hence the reason his PhD in English as well as a degree in Latin Translation. Many times he’s journeyed to Italy to help assist scholars in finding new information on the lost civilizations of Rome, Sicily, and Pompeii, and that credit alone was the sole reason he got the job at this state college. He should have been employed at universities like Harvard or Yale, or even Oxford or Princeton, but yet here he was, teaching at your simple state college with an acceptance rate of 93% and the highest transferring stat in all of your state.

   Not a lot of students found him attractive like you did. Certainly there was more than a couple handfuls of girls, pockets of them, who’ve admired his lithe figure, his graceful movements and that firm ass that was way too snug in his black slacks. Most of them admired his physique from afar, some even daring others to get closer to flirt with him shamelessly, and usually that ended up with a bad memory for the attempted action, as well as the girl who tried to drop the class out of utter embarrassment at such a call out after class that could be heard around the hall.

   Dr. Kozmotis Pitchiner took no bullshit from anyone, and that’s the main reason your heart fluttered at the thought and sight of him. This class wasn’t the first time you two had met face to face either, shockingly. Quite hilariously, the first time you two met, you didn’t even like him.

Three years ago, you were an itty bitty freshman just like the ones that recently arrived this semester, and to the best of your luck, you scored almost five hours of total free time on Mondays and Wednesdays before your Intro to Biology class and Intro to Psychology course after lunch.

Why not explore the gorgeous campus during those five hours? It would get you more acquainted with your surroundings and in small cases, make new friends! Grabbing a can of fruit juice and a danish from the dining hall, you munched as you explored the massive quad before discovering where the art gallery was, venturing towards the art and theatre buildings you’d be in the next year for your art perspective requirements. You found yourself meandering in the photograph-covered walled hallway of the English department, unknowingly headed towards the campus’s own local newspaper headquarters when a voice startled you from your entrancement with your journey.

“Hey. Where do you think you’re going?” a voice matching the texture of velvet came.

You turn around, frowning at the sudden startling noise. There just feet away from you, emerged from his office was a man dressed in what you would consider funeral appropriate attire, a smooth black suit with a basic black tie, and shiny black dress shoes that looked like they could reflect sunlight and somehow cause a car accident if he walked outside.

“I’m exploring. Where do you think you’re going?” you shot back, taking a long sip of your fruit juice.

You were mildly surprised to see a smirk cross his devious lips, his silver-gold eyes narrowing at your sass. He almost looked amused at your attitude, even enough so that his tensed shoulders relaxed, but his arms still remained folded over his chest.

“At the moment, I’m going wherever you think you’re headed, which should be in the opposite direction you’re headed.”

Ooh, he likes playing word games. You took another sip and then took a big bite of your danish, not caring about how childish you were coming off to him. You pointed towards the hallway, “Why can’t I go down there?”

He gestured his head in the same direction, “It’s merely copy rooms and computer labs meant for the Daily Mascot Oracle. Nothing worth checking out.”

“Oh. That’s a shit title.” you commented.

He barked out a heartwarming laugh. You grin at him, glad he finally was capable of taking that stick out of his ass and be a decent human being. Almost three times so far in just two days you got two people to really dislike your presence and your sassy attitude, someone named Bunnymund and another elfish looking kid named Jack who’s definition of fun didn’t match yours at all.

“I certainly didn’t agree to it either, but the editor in chief made sure my vote was outnumbered,” he hesitated, thinking quickly before glancing at you, “Are you a freshman?”

You nodded, knowing what he would ask next, “Majoring in psychology with hopefully a minor in alternative medicine and therapy.”

He looked genuinely impressed, “I must say, it’s quite refreshing to have a new student under that field. Not a lot of freshmen choose that whilst entering for their first year. What makes you like that field of study so much?”

You shrugged with a smile, “I like the whole concept of the human mind and how it functions on an emotional state. It’s interesting how certain actions and emotions can create feelings inside us, and I especially love the study of dreams and fears and hopes. I want to do a project on dream therapy for my senior thesis when it comes time to that, but I doubt they’ll let me. Professor Oren didn’t like hearing me say that at orientation.”

Dr. Pitchiner nodded, “Oren doesn’t really believe in the science behind dreams, and certainly not the spirituality behind it if you believe in that sort of thing. I certainly do.”

“You do?” you were genuinely surprised, literally taken aback. You wouldn’t have considered such an eloquent, smooth and finely dressed man to believe in a spirituality. He reeked of realist to you, you certainly weren’t expecting that.

He nodded again, “Of course. It’s only natural for the human psyche to become understandable to a certain degree, and it’s been proven through many other cultures that such things exist, like the sixth sense or empathy or precognition. Why not in dream analyzation? It’s fascinating, I’m glad you’re interested in it. If I wasn’t an English professor I would immediately return to college to take advantage of that.”

That’s when you realized how gold his eyes were, how they sparkled like the richest coins ever discovered in the vastness of the sunken world of ships at the bottom of the ocean. His eyes gave away intense wisdom, feeling and intellect that you felt the need to learn from. You needed to unlock every part of him to see beyond that gaze he gave you with that strange upturn at the corner of his devilish mouth.

Sure enough, you eventually found yourself in his class a couple years later for your required English Analysis course, and the both of you took advantage of that. You found yourself wandering back to his office between classes and office hours, knowing full well no one visited him nor had the courage to due to his harshness in class and strict code he sticks to in not forming attachments to the student body. For you, somehow you were able to break that barrier and see a different kind of man than what people upfront knew him as.

Your friend Katherine is your first and only senior friend at the university, and from her story when you signed up for his course at the beginning of the year, he was known to be callous and strict, such a polar opposite to leniency that even if you were sick with proof of illness, he wouldn’t accept that as an excused absence unless you flourished a medical note from a doctor to him. Everyone feared him, but admired him from afar since he’s the only professor to actually cut down on the bullshitters and slackers in class, and is one of the most respected professors there because of his adventures in Italy as a historian as well as a translator.

You, however, knew him as a sarcastic, good humored intellect with an avid thirst for learning the unknown, and unlocking skills he’s never attempted. From the times you would visit his office or bump into each other in the hallways and have small talk, you learned that at one point in his life he was just as brash, brazen and impulsive as you are now. Before he considered becoming a professor, he was eager to study what you were studying in now, especially the study of phobias and humans’ reactions to certain fear-triggering events or objects. You were the only one that’s ever heard him snort at a god-awful joke you would attempt at, and the only one that’s ever seen him grin at you in such a way it made your stomach flip and flutter.

Perhaps you exposed yourself too much to him, or perhaps he was just so relatable you felt like you sometimes felt like you were talking to a part of yourself you’ve never discovered before. It slightly scared you how much he knew about you and it wasn’t even the end of the fall semester, but you trusted him in ways you’ve never trusted another before. He always promised you absolute confidentiality with your confessions to him, most out of pure merriment and in the goal of a strengthened friendship, like when you told him when you were fourteen you tried blending into the popular clique but still found yourself drawn to the nerds and theater kids once more. He once gave you such a dubious smirk at the notion of you once being the stereotypical geek, with what you claimed to be the unattractive flat hair, braces and awkward gait.

“I can hardly believe that of you.” he chuckled.

“Why? You can kinda tell, don’t lie.” you winked teasingly.

He tilted his head in his hand at you, looking your figure up and down so slowly and languidly that it made your face heat up with a sudden thrill you haven’t felt in a long time.

“Whoever you were before has grew into a fine young woman, that’s most of what I can see.” he looked at you seriously, his eyes hard with truth.

Ever since that you realized that the idea of him being closer than what you two already were was something else you wanted. You thirsted for it, like an obsession. Unhealthy, you weren’t sure, but you were careful not to give yourself away to him, in fear that it would destroy that friendship you two already had. Without anyone’s knowledge but his, you both called each other by your first names. You called him Koz, and he called you by the nickname you wanted him to call you.

Even just watching him write on the board, hearing his voice wrap you lovingly in it’s deep musical tones made your legs tighten in excitement. You furrowed your brows, trying to ignore the incoming thoughts of his voice saying your name like a mantra as you wrote down everything being scribbled on the board.

The guy next to you noticed your discomfort, and nudged his elbow with yours. You looked at him, affronted, “What?”

“You look pissed. You okay?” he looked suspicious.

“Shut up, I’m fine.”

“(y/n).”

Your blood froze, looking up at him in pure fear at being called out in front of class. His hands were folded behind his back, his eyes lingering on you and only you. The class stared at you, nearly a thousand eyes focused on your nervous leg bouncing and the pen in your hand being crushed by the amount of attention drawn onto you.

“I see you have already started to discuss with Stephen,” you could swear to the moon above he smirked ruefully, “Would you like to tell us what the definition of vorfreude is?”

You gulped quickly before looking down at your paper, noticing that the last couple notes were not even notes, they were sinful descriptions of what you wanted him to do to your mouth and in between your thighs. Your face grew incredibly red to the point it prickled your skin as you stood up. You never broke eye contact with him. You can’t be weak now.

“Vorfreude is a German word to define a type of intense anticipation of imagining future pleasures.”

He nodded, his smirk subsiding to something even darker at the moment you uttered the word ‘future’, “Excellent. Glad to see you’re still paying attention despite your distractions.”

Some people snickered at your red face deepening in color as you plopped back down in your seat. By now Koz was shuffling the exams collected last week, freshly graded and corrections that could leave someone in tears if not taken lightly.

As he passed around the graded exams going over the class’s weak points and what to look forward to for the next midterm, you doodled a bit more in your notebook and wrote more lines of absolute sin into a poetic verse, something E. E. Cummings would be absolutely proud of.

You read over your lines, admiring the visual rhymes as well as the absolute clear imagery of being locked into him, his arms like a vice as he would pull your hair and bite at the sensitive parts of your neck, and even now you squirmed at the daydream of such a carnal act going on in his office. More than anything, more than just impressing him with your knowledge and sharp tongue would be for him to pin you to the desk and make you cry out his name in ecstasy as your legs would quiver with release. You bit your lip as you tightened your grip on your sweatshirt, trying your damn hardest not to accidentally make a noise.

That’s when you noticed the shadow lurking over you.

You froze. Your entire body became still with horror and your blood turned cold as Koz read over your carnal poem and observed your lewd doodles with a casual eye as he handed you your exam. You reached out for it with a shaking hand and slowly placed it over the notebook page, knowing it was too late to hide the damage.

“Please see me after class about your note-taking.”

You nodded, trying to fight tears from the utter embarrassment as he finished handing out the exams. You close your notebook in disgust with yourself. Koz continues the class until 5:45, the usual time it ends when everyone wastes no time in dilly dallying and immediately leaving, most if not all heading to the dining hall for dinner. You, planning to indulge in just a minor dinner consisting of cereal or soup out of embarrassment and sadness, packed up slowly.

“(y/n), a word please.” he beckoned from his podium.

You refused to look at him as you stepped down from the lecture hall stairs to the podium, your backpack slung over your shoulder and your confidence crumbling even further as you waited with baited breath as he finished shutting off the projector and computer.

“You have quite a knack for poetry for someone who says English isn’t their forte, as well as for a psychology major.” he calmly noted, hardly glancing at you.

You couldn’t help it, you couldn’t hold it in anymore and let it burst from your chest, all your thoughts jumbled into a single rambling mess, “I swear I didn’t intend for you to see it, I just-I just-I don’t know why I did that and I know I messed up our friendship, it’s all my fault and I’m really really sorry, I seriously wasn’t thinking and I just can’t help but feel these things and it just makes it worse when I think about you, I don’t know what to do about it-”

A hand crept around the back of your neck and forced your head up, and without even a single warning you felt warm, wet lips enveloping yours, biting sweetly as well as fervently. You couldn’t help but make a noise of startlement at the sudden action, but before you could even have time to melt into the kiss, he pulled away, a smirk on his face.

“It’d be inappropriate for me to do such things, but more inappropriate for you to act on it as well. Yet, I know you are wise enough to not pursue it like you want to.” he stated, his eyes resembling molten gold.

Your gaze flattened, “Koz, what the fuck was that if you say you’re not ‘pursuing it’.”

He grinned, “Your confirmation of your feelings, as well as a promise of patience.”

“Patience?”

He smirked again, tilting his head and embracing the feel of superiority again, “You have nearly one more year left. I wonder if you have the patience to stick it out-”

That pissed you off. You grabbed his black tie and pulled him down, startling him as you kissed him hard. You pulled away just as quickly, enjoying the look of surprise on his face as well as slight bewilderment at being cut off from gloating.

You smiled innocently, smoothing down his tie as well as the front of his jacket, “Nice to know I’m not the only one enjoying the feeling of vorfreude from now on. Have a good day, Professor.”

Without a second backwards glance, you confidently strode out of the lecture hall, leaving Koz impressed as well as out of breath at your grand exit. He didn’t realize he’d be aching for you just as much as you ached for him.

It’s only a year, right? Not too long…

Boy were you two wrong.

Maou-jou 9 - 12 (FINAL) | Idolish7 s2 10 - 15 (FINAL) | SLS 2

I’ve been holding off new seasonals because of other things, but after I post this I’ll have enough time to get around to them. That’s why I can’t guarantee winter 2021 seasonal tags on this post...maybe the next one will have them...

Maou-jou 9

…it seems shopping channels even are the same in the demon world.

Now even the demons have quests! (The frame is different to the princess’s, though.)

Oh! The quest failed.

Neo Alraune: in flower language, “the 2nd coming of happiness”. The worry from a little while ago was, “I’m worried about my brother.” The worry from recently: “I didn’t think about being happy that the princess didn’t kill my brother.”

The penguin demons are pretty cute!

Don’t you know how parents forbid children from sleeping until they finish all their homework? Must be something like that.

Yoku ganbarimashita! – Syalis worked hard!

LOL, mental age: 3. Poseidon likes cute things…I can’t read a lot of this…the hardsubs cover the JPN text.

They…both succeeded! (…LOL?)

Maou-jou 10

Owarinocity = Endopolis. It’s a good equivalent, if I do say so myself.

…oh yeah. What happened to Alraune? Update: There she is!

Also, that blonde guy in the infomercials doesn’t look too bad…*makes chef’s kiss gesture with one hand* Nice.

I wonder, was Twilight once human…?

LOL, there’s a goat symbol on the cleric’s pyjamas. Also “first time”, LOL.

I think they were playing shiritori at one point.

Hanamaru saikou yoku dekimashita!

Maou-jou 11

…How does one “sleep cheerfully”, anyway?

I think I saw Twilight drop something…some kind of paper…

Aw, Twilight blushing is kinda cute!

LOL, 70s shoujo style. Also, “It cannot be!”

Whoa, she cancelled it?!

I read up on this series on TV Tropes…and apparently the Demon King captured the Princess in her sleep.

Kagemusha? Like a ninja or something?

Apparently the Demon Cleric is much older than he looks.

Ooh! Hypnos is back!

A-whatsit really is abysmal levels of stupid!!! (LOL)

Maou-jou 12 (FINAL)

Who’s that one tiny guy occupying one of the Ten Kings’ seats?

*watching after Christmas, about a week after the anime finished* This is not seasonally appropriate!

…*thinks for a second, then spits* That’s the 2nd Nemu in the fall 2020 season!!!

Ooh, the head paladin doesn’t look that bad, either.

“…is it good to be…”

“…has seized the princess!”

“…that demon king is rather cute.” – See? Someone agrees with me.

Anyways, that was a fun series. See you soon!

Idolish7 s2 10

…Back at it after so long…(I can’t help it though – Crunchyroll, per month, is about double the local Funimation sublicensor’s fees, and for much less content that’s worth my money to boot!)

I’ve always thought Momo was like Sasara (HypMic), so seeing him anguished hurts me in the kokoro too…

I know Banri was involved with Re:vale somehow…this must be it.

…Male idols are also popular among men? Is this why there are 8 (!!!) idol anime in winter 2021 alone…? (Also, that’s why HypMic became popular? Multidemographic appeal crossed over with obvious merchandising opportunities?)

It’s kind of scary how Momo stepped the formality towards Yuki like that (to -san).

I guess in his heart Momo still reveres Yuki, some way or another.

The rakugo curtain really sold the moment that they (current Re:vale) were acting like an old married couple.

Yay! Silver Sky is such a cool song! Of course I recognised the intro when it came on.

…I see. The elder Kujo is entrusting his dream to Tenn, so that’s why he banned Aya from seeing Tamaki. However, it’s hard to know what to feel when Aya speaks in the vaguest terms possible.

I think that was a special ending for only this episode. I don’t know what its name is, but I guess I might recognise it on Spotify one day.

Idolish7 s2 11

LOL, Nagi’s reaction.

Considering the ‘rona is getting worse outside our very windows as we speak (type?), I think it’s correct to be concerned about your future right now.

Looking at these narrow streets reminds me of going to eat hotpot at the end of my Japan trip…only Japanese streets look like that, I think. Hong Kong’s streets are more crowded than that and America likes their suburbia.

Of course, when you say hajimemashite (nice to meet you), someone’s gotta say it back, hence the reply.

Considering there are people all over the world watching the Idolish7 anime, I would say you are telling the world about I7, Riku.

Oh! Restart Pointer! There was an MV for that one…I think it was around the time Idolish7’s MVs started getting better.

So this is the context around the new outfits! Cool!

There have been way too many puns about “idol” being…y’know, “ai (love) doll” and stuff like that…

I have one Twitter person who I follow (DejiNyucu, part of the creative team for Autumn’s Journey) because I don’t get much I7 content and they keep mentioning this “Haruki” person…and suddenly a “Haruki the Betrayer” showed up in the graffiti…they might be the same person, I think. Not Deji, but Haruki. Update: Sakura Haruki, perhaps…?

Sougo’s such a bad liar…

Sometimes, the best way to deal with things is to be direct…(I’m not very good at that, I naturally talk in a very roundabout sort of way.)

Sougo with long hair like Yuki would be really pretty… (<- has an obvious thing for guys with long hair)

Idolish7 s2 12

Nagi’s stupid accent is generally what he’s best remembered for (for me), so seeing him speak normally, and do a press conference on top of that, is…impressive.

A kabedon on top of all this! Whoa!

Shibuya 109 parody…? (I’ve seen that once or twice – parodying that means people know their stuff about Shibuya.)

I think the “it’s overflowing!” is referring to the hype in the “room”.

…this dejected Momo is worrying…(well, he is worrying and I am worrying about him.)

Oh, I see. The person responsible typed the letter so that they couldn’t be traced back. Kind of like those old movies where the culprit would cut letters out of newspapers to make threat mail, but…with even less traces than that, because cutting letters out leaves evidence.

…wow, it took a while for this ep. to have an intro…

…LOL, I just spotted Kenjiro Tsuda cited as the “fake Zero”, meaning the real one might never show up this season.

There’s something really stupid and infectious about these managers’ enthusiasm for drinking energy drinks. It puts a goofy smile on my face.

Is Musubi Tsumugi’s mother…? Update: Yes, she is.

…Wait, so the Chiba Shizuo guy is actually important?!

Idolish7 s2 13

Whenever someone says “by the way”, it means they’re changing the subject. I hate to state to obvious, but Sougo is clearly deflecting the topic of conversation from being about him.

I wonder if this guy (Haw9) is the actual Zero graffiti vandal…?

Hmph, I didn’t realise Tenn doesn’t refer to Kujo-san as his father, but…like that (“Kujo-san”) instead.

Oh hey! These are shots from Vibrato!

Most dramas can be solved with the power of Good Communication. That includes this one.

I feel like “he has a dark side” describes both Tenn and Kujo-san.

“Everyone, remember to wash your hands and gargle thoroughly.” – This is always a good thing to remember in the time of ‘rona. Reminds me of Jakurai’s line in ARB (<- this game started just after the ‘rona came down).

What did Sougo go to uni for (what specialisation)?

Idolish7 s2 14

I just realised Banri calls Momo -kun. Hmm…

Denki = electricity, LOL.

I feel like Tenn is basically Ramuda, give or take actual pink hair…guys in musical groups with pre-existing angst that they become the “centre” of. The fact Fling Posse have Saito Soma and so do Trigger strengthens the connection.

I would watch the heck out of a musical like that! Make it come true, Idolish7! (Also, today is I7 day! I’m not much of an I7 fan outside the anime, but…that’s cool!)

That shot of them jumping! I remember seeing it on the official site before!

Idolish7 s2 15 (FINAL)

There you go! I was wondering where Banri’s injury was – that was the only bit that didn’t add up for him to be Yuki’s old partner.

Hmm…Momo is 4 years younger than Yuki but 2 years younger than Banri…

This episode has a real concert vibe to it, to the point where I got startled by how loud the yell was at one point. (Even if it is mostly stills.)

LOL, lookit Okazaki!

Apparently, if you’re a hako oshi, you like all the members of a group. Someone with a green light and a pink light likes both members of Re:vale.

LOL, Usagi for Asahi beer.

…I forgot Nagi is 19.

…Ooh, I think that’s the kid from ZOOL. No wonder they needed a season 3!

That’s all. See you next time!

SLS 2

“fine and upstanding person” – That’s…hard to believe, Hayato.

I wonder how many bois Toboso designed for SLS…?

…The episode title is actually “Blank”. Not “Break”.

One of the guys’ shirts says moteki on it. That’s a period in one’s life where one enjoys more romantic attention than usual, literally “popularity season”.

The subs missed an I, so initially I knew Kiriyama’s name as “Kiryama”.

There are meant to be 2 wings, right…?

“He who controls information controls everything, right?” – For once, I’m surprised Hayato is right (and not just in that smug way of his).

“…I’m being treated like a manager.” – But Hayato is a manager! (In a sense.)

The plait guy jumps to nicknames really fast…also, why do I get the feeling Maeshima will lose the key?

I hate to say this Maeshima, but I side with your childhood friend (Kiriyama) here. As much as the anime wants me to back you, I’m watching for everyone else at this point.

That blocky building looks pretty cool. I think Zel (Archi-Anime) would like it.

Sasugai’s setup looks pretty cool, including his chair.

…hmm, Maeshima’s like me in a sense. I learn best by copying others, but memory is my best asset. If I don’t regularly train the fundamentals, I suck at everything. That said, I don’t have an eidetic memory. Also, I didn’t quite figure out Ken = Ken(sei Maeshima) until I watched long enough to connect the dots.

LOL, Derry’s. (<- reminded of a word for “butt” <- derriere)

Well, the guy’s (Souta…?) shirt does say moteki…

Kiriyama kinda looks like Jyuto (HypMic), come to think of it…Right down to his angry streak (although Jyuto has a reputation to keep as a “cool dude”, while Kiriyama is more of a Manza (Boueibu HK) and he’s more angry than he looks).

…This ED is nothing special.

…Hmm? Is that a small Terauchi and Maeshima…?

I think I’m sold for now, but I’m rooting for the other team, not Maeshima’s…not yet, anyways.

can     u     believe     that     a     whole     entire     day          after     the     rp     opens          ,          i     finally     have     my     shit     together     enough     to     post     an     intro          !          can     u     fuckin     believe     it          !          anyways          ,          i’m     elliot          (          she/they          )          ,          i’m     20     n     i’m     a     supreme     dumbass     who     needs     2     get     their     life     together     on     so     many     levels          .  .  .          it’s     fine     though          !          completely     fine          !          totally     n     utterly     fine          !!!

(          timothee     chalamet          &          cis     male          )          who          ??          these     days          ,          it’s     all     about     anton     olivier          ,          who     comes     from     manhattan          ,          ny          ,          and     is     making     headlines     as     an     actor          .          he     currently     has     a     fan     count     of     45.9k          ,          no     thanks     to     the     rumours     of     them     being     vainglorious          !          but          ,          on     the     other     hand          ,          his     most     devout     fans     say     he’s     actually     retiary          .          last     i     heard          ,          he     caused     quite     a     buzz     when     he     was     caught     leaving     multiple     lovers’     houses     despite     being     in     an     allegedly     ‘     committed     ’     relationship          !          it’s     no     wonder     they     remind     me     of     inky     black     as     a     beautiful     contrast     to     stark     white          ,          tastes     of     fake     blood          &          bourbon     dancing     a     mistimed     tango     on     your     tongue          ,          stacks     of     literary     classics     like     small     mountains     on     your     living     room     floor          ,          abandoned     chastity     ring          (          ruby     red     gemstone          ,          isn’t     it     ironic          ?          )          ,          heat     -     slick     kisses     smeared     to     the     corner     of     your     mouth          ;          dark     academia          /          technicolour     ghost     disappearing     in     the     middle     of     a     crowd          ,          slipping     into     the     back     of     a     lecture     theatre     abound     with     rapt     attention          ,          pressing     bruises     into     not     -     yet     -     ripe     fruit     for     the     thrill     of     watching     it     wilt     beneath     satin     touch          .

𝔩𝔞𝔶𝔢𝔯     𝔬𝔫𝔢     .          rudimentals          .

full     name:     anton     françois     olivier     . nicknames,     aliases:

ant     .

mon     cher     .          (          by     his     mother     .          )

age:     twenty     -     three     . date     of     birth:     october     fifteenth     . place     of     birth:     manhattan         ,         new     york     city     . nationality:     american     . ethnicity:     caucasian     (     french     )     . spoken     languages:     english          ,          fluent     french          (          spoken     in     household     more     commonly     than     english          )          .

zodiac     sign:     scorpio     . hogwarts     house:     slytherin     . myers     -     briggs:     infp     -     t     .

career     claims:     charlie     heaton     ,     some     of     bill     skargsard’s     stuff     .          (          i’ll     write     his     imdb     page     later     .          )

𝔩𝔞𝔶𝔢𝔯     𝔱𝔴𝔬     .          physicals          .

height:     six     foot     three     . weight:     157     lbs     .

complexion:     pale     ,     scarily     so     .     nothing     medical     about     it     ,     just     a     natural     pallid     sheen     to     sharp     features     .     a     small     ,     light     dusting     of     freckles     over     the     nose     and     cheeks     and     forehead     .      face     shape:     heart     -     shaped     ,     incredibly     angular     .     sharp     cheekbones     and     jawline     ,     square     and     dashing     in     a     sinister     kind     of     way     .     very     thin     ,     very     gaunt     .      facial     quirks:     in     some     lights     his     left     eye     is     ever     so     slightly     lighter     than     the     other     ,     but     it’s     a     trick     of     the     light     .

hair:     black     ,     naturally     so     (     your     mother’s     hair     )     .     has     a     slight     natural     wave     that     sometimes     springs     to     a     loose     curl     .     recently     ,     you’ve     grown     it     out     so     that     it     curls     around     the     nape     of     your     neck     and     falls     into     your     eyes     .     typically     ,     strands     are     tucked     behind     your     ears     unless     they     fall     out     of     place     .     soft     ,     incredibly     so     --- -     cherry     blossom     shampoo     and     conditioner     ensures     that     . eyes:     bright     blue     ,     cobalt     .     golden     rings     around     the     pupils     ,     with     green     and     hazel     flecks     throughout     .     lashes     are     unfairly     long     and     dark     ,     a     prettily     sooty     smudge     against     the     high     ridge     of     your     cheekbones     .     brows     are     dark     and     expressive     ,     unruly     ,     arched     ever     so     slightly     .     dark     indigo     bags     underneath     your     eyes     aren’t     an     unusual     sight     ,     results     of     too     -     long     nights     and     a     strange     work     schedule     . nose:     your     mother’s     button     nose     ,     small     and     straight     and     ‘     lovely     ’     according     to     your     rabid     fan     base     .     nothing     much     to     say     about     it     otherwise     .     you     considered     piercing     it     when     you     were     fifteen     and     going     through     it     for     unknown     reasons     .      mouth:     relatively     normal     lips     ,     slightly     plusher     lower     lip     but     that’s     not     saying     much     .     chewed     ,     bitten     ,     chapped     like     nothing     else     /     favourite     flavour     of     burt’s     bees     is     pomegranate     .     teeth     are     white     ,     straight     ,     pretty     good     teeth          ;          indents     of     which     often     find     themselves     deep     in     that     lower     lip     .

scars:     none     of     note     .     the     typical     petite     white     scars     of     childhood     across     knees     and     elbows     ,     but     nothing     too     serious     . tattoos,     piercings:     none     .     there     are     plans     in     the     works     ,     but     currently          ?          nothing     . more     body     modifications:     again     ,     nothing     .     bitch     is     boring     .

𝔩𝔞𝔶𝔢𝔯     𝔱𝔥𝔯𝔢𝔢     .          biographicals          .

not     quite     your     typical     tale     of     boy     -     meets     girl          ;          art     gallery     curator     curator     watches     broadway     ‘     ingénue     ’          &          falls     head     over     heels     in     an     infatuation     that     borders     on     obsession     but     is     returned     tenfold     .     adele     st     .     croix     can’t     believe     her     luck          (          moved     to     manhattan     just     two     years     previously          ,          resumé     builds     beyond     belief          ,          engagement     to     a     big     name     is     imminent          !          )          and     pierre     -     louis     olivier     has     never     been     so     deeply     in     love     before          .          the     courtship     is     wonderful          ,          twilight     walks     in     the     park          ,          regular     dates     at     terribly     romantic     restaurants          ,          soft     kisses     on     random     stoops     and     rough          ,          impassioned     kisses     on     your     own          .          the     engagement     comes     in     1995          ,          &          a     year     later          ,          marriage     is     a     cover     story     and     a     four     -     page     spread     in     all     the     glossy     tabloids     your     mother     loves     to     collect          .          

your     conception     comes     as     a     shock          ,          of     course          .          neither     wanted     children     so     early          ,          just     a     year     into     their     marriage     but     the     very     first     time     that     your     mother’s     silky     -     smooth     hands     rest     on     the     then     -     flat     expanse     of     her     belly     it’s     over          .          unspoken     talks     of     termination     that     weighed     uncomfortably     heavily     on     unmoving     tongues     are     quashed          ,          replaced     by     fluttering     anticipation     of     a     child          .          your     impending     birth     is     announced     three     months     after     your  ��  parents     find     out     they’re     expecting     you          ,          &          soon     enough     your     own     infantile     chunk     of     their     upper     east     side     penthouse          (          a     grandiose     wedding     present          )          is     carved     out          ;          decked     in     earthy     tones     and     warm     creams          ,          pastels     of     all     shades     and     joy     woven     into     each     choice          ,          you     are     a     source     of     joy     to     rival     the     sun          .

birth     is     almost     perfect          ,          only     one     day     past     your     due     date          .          naturally     your     first     breath     is     a     noisy     one          ,          wailing     and     crying     and     oh          ,          how     they     adore     you     already          !          adoration     seeps     into     your     bones     from     the     first     time     mother     holds     you          ,          presses     a     kiss     to     your     head     and     breathes     in     that     lavender         ,         fresh     -     linen     new     baby     smell          .          from     that     very     first     moment     love     is     ingrained     into     every     single     pore          ;          love     is     what     you     breathe          ,          what     you     feed     on          ,          what     you     see     the     world     through          .          your     mother     and     father     are     almost     sickeningly     in     love          ,          true     dotage     in     its     finest     form     and     later     in     life     you     suppose     you’re     lucky     to     have     grown     up     with     such     a     wonderful     idea     of     what     true     romance     is     meant     to     look     like          .          they     love     each     other          ,          and     they     love     you          .

childhood     is     wonderful          ,          if     you’re     perfectly     honest          .          it’s     a     blur     of     ice     cream     at     fancy     parlours     after     your     mother     picks     you     up     from     school          ,          renting     movies     and     getting     wonderful     takeaway     and     laughing     until     your     sides     ache          .          it’s     freshly     -     laundered     uniforms     that     just     look     so     damn     precious          ,          school     ties     in     immaculate     windsor     knots          .          (          schools     are     all     catholic          ,          of     course          ;          some     things     die     hard          ,          but     your     mother     and     father’s     commitment     to     their     faith     dies     harder          .          )          church     on     sunday     mornings          ,          followed     by     brunch     and     a     movie          /          picturesque          ,          absolutely     perfect          .          ignore     the     paparazzi     trailing     behind     you          ,          though          .          ignore     the     fact     that     despite     everything          ,          a     childhood     dripping     with     luxury     and     privilege     is     not     really     a     normal     childhood          .          normal     children     don’t     dress     in     such     expensive     clothes     in     their     free     time          ,          normal     children     don’t     understand     the     complete     and     utter         hedonism     that     you’re     enabled          .          

it’s     only     a     matter     of     time     before     you     find     your     calling          ,          though          .          you     are     fourteen          ,          already     a     gangly     mess     of     too     -     long     limbs     and     charming     smile     and     curls     that     melt     even     the     iciest     of     glares          .          you’ve     sat     in     the     backs     of     theatres     while     your     mother     rehearses     for     your     entire     life          ,          and     stepping     into     the     harsh     spotlight     itself     feels     like     home     in     a     way     you     can’t     possibly     describe     in     either     of     the     tongues     that     crowd     your     mouth          .          your     first     performance     is     macbeth          ,          and     you     dominate     like     nothing     else          ,          tragic     figure     with     a     mouth     of     steel          .          for     the     next     few     years     of     your     high     school     education     you     always     score     the     leading     role          ,          not     through     anything     but     the     sheer     force     of     your     talent          .          acting     is     second     nature     to     you          ,          a     comfortable     set     of     skins     you     fall     into     like     it’s     nothing          ,          like     they’re     nothing          .

sixteen     when     you     get     your     first     gig     ,     a     guest     appearance     in     some     established     police     procedural     ,     but     it’s     a     rush     like     nothing     else     .     one     gig     leads     to     another     ,     and     another     ,     and     another     !     it’s     not     until     you’re     hired     by     netflix     to     do     their     biggest     hit     ,     some     then     -     untitled     sci     -     fi     horror     80s     thing     ,     that     you     take     off     like     nothing     else     and     god     ,     it’s     like     nothing     you’ve     ever     known     .     blockbusters     are     offered     to     you     after     your     second     season     airs     ,     you     find     yourself     in     cameos     in     fucking     marvel     movies     ,     &     yet     nothing’s     quite     as     thrilling     as     horror     .     something     crawls     under     your     skin     the     first     day     you     shoot     stranger     things     ,     and     it’s     stuck     ever     since          ;          you     make     a     good     archetype     ,     the     dopey     yet     helpful     boyfriend     ,     the     white     knight     .     you’re     barely     nineteen     when     you     decide     what     your     avenue     is     and     make     a     conscientious     decision     to     stick     to     it     .

and     now          ?          your     imdb     page     glitters     ,     cacophany     of     roles     quite     unlike     each     other     ,     bad     guy     and     good     guy     and     killer     and     saviour     ,     all     crammed     in     together     .     didn’t     think     you     had     time     but     somewhere     you     met     someone     ,     fell     in     love     ,     started     dating     ,     all     that          ;          but     that     bleeding     ,     genuine     heart     of     yours     can’t     be     contained     ,     falls     in     love     five     times     a     day     ,     catches     itself     upon     the     hooks     of     others     and     impulse     control     is     a     long     -     forgotten     acquaintance     .     newspapers     call     you     a     heartbreaker     ,     but     you     never     break     hearts          ;          you     simply     leave     your     scent     on     bedsheets     and     heartbeats     alike     ,     prettiest     kind     of     ghost     .     sometimes     you     play     up     the     ‘     arrogant     heartbreaking     dipshit     ’     spiel     for     interviews     but     with     you     ,     what     you     see     is     what     you     get     :     passionate     ,     driven     ,     emotional     .     a     fervour     .     a     lover     ,     a     romantic     ,     altruistic     kinds     of     chaos     .     the     prettiest     kind     of     confusion     ,     all     wrapped     up     under     that     surname     .     oh     darling     ,     you’re     the     nicest     kind     of     sweet     nightmare     and     you     don’t     even     know     it     .

𝔩𝔞𝔶𝔢𝔯     𝔣𝔬𝔲𝔯     .          wanted     connections          .

the     committed     relationship     .

the     string     of     lovers     he’s     been     seeing     .

exes     ,     on     any     kinds     of     terms     .

school     friends     from     forever     ago     .

co     -     stars     .

rivals     !!!!

literally     anything     PLEASE

the hot tea || chapter 03

⇥ synopsis : your best friend, Jackson, never fails to argue against your apathy toward love and romance, but his plan to confess his true feelings toward you is rudely interrupted when you start a blog chronicling your past relationships...

⇥ warnings : this story in its entirety includes but is not limited to strong language and dialogue, recurring alcohol or drug use, and explicit sexual content, and is intended for an adult audience only!

It was a cold and dark winter’s night when I decided that love doesn’t exist. Not just the concept of love either. I was convinced that sustainable, healthy relationships were a myth conjured by Disney movies and condom commercials.

I hadn’t come to this decision lightly. In fact, I tried to argue against my own rationale, but when I sat down in the middle of the night and evaluated my choices where romance was concerned, I realized I was the problem. I was incapable of building a life with someone.

Naturally, since sleep was a long gone option, I did some research and I came across an interesting theory. In 1985, psychologist Robert J. Sternberg hypothesized that there are, in fact, seven types of love which he categorized into the Triangular Theory of Love. According to him, there are three key aspects in a relationship and depending on which ones you do or don’t have, defines the type of love experienced in said relationship.

Okay, that was a mouthful. Don’t worry, I will break it down. I’m only mentioning this theory, because it will influence the narrative later on.

It seems I have been lucky - or unfortunate, depending on how you look at it - enough to have experienced all seven types of love over the course of the ten years of frolicking I did before finally swearing off dating. I’ve loved and lost. I’ve almost walked down an aisle. I’ve been taught many lessons by pain and pleasure.

To be honest, I don’t know what I hope to achieve with this saga of my attempts to find a happily ever after. I’m assuming this will be a cathartic process for me. Maybe I can move on and accept my fate as a lonely girl with a string of lovers in her wake. Or perhaps I can convince myself that I’m wrong and happiness is still waiting out there...

You were tempted to smash your face on the keyboard and delete everything. Who in the hell thought this was a good idea? “This intro blows,” you groaned loudly.

“Hey,” Jackson called, sitting across from you at the small table and pushing a cup of tea your way.

“Hey back,” you replied with a smile, taking the drink eagerly. “Thank you.”

He tilted his head. “Ready to post?”

“I think so,” you told him, chuckling with nerves and hiding your obvious hatred for your opening monologue. “Once I do, it’s out on the internet forever.”

“You’re not using any real names, though,” Jackson reminded with a noncommittal shrug. “Nothing to worry about it.”

You sighed, “I know.”

Jackson pretended to peer over your screen, but you didn’t flinch. With a raised eyebrow, he teased, “I’m included in this fuckery, right?”

You droned, “Considering we’ve been having sex for the past year, yes.”

Jackson snorted.

Lifting your eyes from the laptop, you asked quietly, “Did you tell him we’re sleeping together?”

Jackson gave you a look that the mere thought terrified him to the core. Of the few occasions he had been in physical fights with his best friend, he had lost every single one of them. Jackson chalked that up to him being a lover and not a fighter, generally to soothe his battered dignity.

With a nervous smile, he explained, “I told him that I’m sleeping with someone, but I didn’t drop any names.”

You already assumed that, because you had never received an angry phone call from your ex suggesting otherwise. “Good, because that’s a conversation I never wanna have.”

“You and me both.”

The two of you drank your tea in unison, an air of silence falling over the room. After a pregnant pause, you studied Jackson and asked, “Are you going to read it?”

“I want to,” he answered without hesitation. “But that’s up to you.”

Letting your head rest on your hand, you pressed, “May I ask why?”

Jackson said nothing and you knew he was deciding what to say. He was the type to answer right off the cuff; honest to a fault. When he couldn’t come up with a decent lie, Jackson finally said, “Maybe I like a little insight.”

“You wanna know why I am the way I am,” you replied, not surprised.

He sipped his tea. “More or less.”

“And you think reading a rundown on my exes will explain everything?”

“It’s supposed to be cathartic for you, right?” Jackson barked, trying to shift the focus off of himself. “For others, it will be entertainment. I hope you know that.”

His harshness was out of character and unwarranted, but you took it in stride as best you could, knowing the last thing he intended to do was hurt your feelings. With a nod, you murmured, “I do.”

Jackson shook his head, noticing your voice had softened, and scrambled for words, “I only meant to say...”

“Hello, my beautiful ride or die bitch,” Krystal greeted as she marched inside the shop. When her eyes fell on Jackson, she frowned and grumbled, “You’re still here?”

“I own the building,” Jackson reminded flatly.

After hugging your best friend, you chided, “Krystal, he’s literally the nicest person I know and you manage to get a rise out of him.”

Krystal cut her eyes at Jackson and hissed like a viper, “He irritates me.”

“The feeling is mutual,” Jackson returned, his tone a borderline growl.

You chortled. At this point, you were accustomed to their general disdain for each other.

Krystal landed her attention on your laptop and chirped excitedly, “Ooh, are you posting yet? Can I read it?”

“It’s just an intro,” you told her, again stifling the urge to reveal how much you loathed it. “I won’t get to the meaty bits until later.”

“Speaking of meat, I think you should get some, Krystal,” Jackson spoke up, feigning concern. “There’s that new dildo shop around the corner.”

With a scowl, Krystal retorted, “Is that where you bought the one currently shoved up your ass?”

“Disappointed but not surprised,” you hummed, throwing up your hands. “Can you two ever get along?”

“No,” said Jackson and Krystal simultaneously.

Waving her forward, you crooned, “Krys, as the one who gave me the idea, you should come read the first post.”

Narrowing her eyes at Jackson, she sashayed to your side. “I will do that.”

Jackson pointed and muttered under his breath, “Yeah, you’re the one encouraging this.”

“Since I’ve been with her through all of said relationships, I know first-hand how novel-worthy they are. Now, shoo.”

Jackson took your empty cup, you thanked him, and he disappeared into the back momentarily. A hand sharply swatted your arm.

You shrieked, “Ow, what was that for?”

Krystal was scathing in reproach, “You’re supposed to defend me. I’m your best friend. I don’t care how big his dick is.”

“Girl, last night…,” you started, holding up your hands to demonstrate the size you were dealing with.

Krystal made a swift array of screeching sounds, yelling, “I don’t want to hear it!”

“You know there’s gonna be a lot of sex on this blog, right?”

“I’m prepared for that and very much looking forward to it, obviously. It’s just…,” she trailed, glancing up as she frowned. “Jackson is too nice.”

You gawked at such a pitiful excuse. “What’s wrong with that?”

She folded her arms and leaned back in the chair, musing, “I don’t trust someone who doesn’t have a dark side.”

You mirrored her posture and countered, “Maybe his Mama raised him right.”

“He’s still a man,” she deadpanned.

Jackson returned from the kitchen and announced, “I’m back. You can stop talking about me now.”

Krystal rolled her eyes.

Retaking his seat, Jackson rounded on your friend and said, “I do have a dark side, you know.”

“Is that so?” she asked without missing a beat.

“Yeah, one time when I felt particularly snarky, I microwaved a pop tart inside of its package.”

You snickered, amazed that such a kind-hearted and mischievous boy could turn into such a ruthless animal in the bedroom.

Krystal asked, “And how did that work out for you?”

Shamelessly, Jackson replied, “It exploded.”

“That’s why it says ‘don’t microwave inside the foil,’ dumbass,” your best friend howled.

Jackson leaned against your side and nudged you with his arm, declaring, “No one tells me what to do.”

Giggling slightly, you reached over and tickled his waist.

After a grimace at the affection, Krystal promptly finished reading your entry and said, “Short and sweet, I like it.”

You smarted, “This may come as a shock, but I hate it.”

Krystal seemed genuinely surprised at your admission. “Why? It’s perfect. A little humor, some psychology, and a hint of what’s to come.”

“It’s awkward,” you began.

Jackson chimed in playfully, “You’re awkward.”

“That’s not what you said last night,” you quipped under your breath.

“Ew, stop,” Krystal exclaimed, holding up her hand. “What if you try a different format? Like… diary or journal entries?”

“Sure, I can see it now.” Jackson continued dramatically, as if narrating a book, “Dear diary, I sucked my first dick today.”

There was no fluctuation or amusement in her voice when Krystal said, “Very funny.”

“Dear Diary, I will now be embarking on a journey of self-discovery and bullshit,” you spoke, whimsical but wholly sarcastic. “On this blog I will attempt to regale my audience of two with the emotional - and sexual - highs and lows of my past relationships.”

“And at some point along the way learn to love myself a little more,” Krystal prosed, smiling as she pushed the computer toward you.

Jackson rubbed your shoulder encouragingly, offering his signature smirk.

Sinking your teeth into your bottom lip, you clicked the button to publish your first post and quickly closed the laptop. “Alright, no turning back now,” you said, content to be distracted by the company and support of your best friends for the rest of the evening.

Tomorrow you would write about your first love.

chapter 02 ⇤ chapter 03 ⇥ chapter 04

- Katya

{ do not copy or re-post without my permission }

Always/3

Fanfiction

Part 3

Elijah Mikaelson x reader/Elena

ft Klaroline

Summary: Elijah and Y/N/E are happily married, until one night changed everything. What happened - read and find out. 

This is fluffy and so very alternative universe. I hope you like it. Here is quite a lengthy chapter. Thanks for reading and liking. I so appreciate it. xoxo

tags @rissyrapp20 @dendrite-lover @cassienoble2000 @elejahforever @hides2000 @captainshurley

_________

Y/N/E watched Elijah through the window as he walked over to his car. 

“How do you feel after - your first meeting?”- Bonnie now asked Y/N/E.

“He’s ni-ce”- Y/N/E replied.

“He is quite an amazing person from all I have heard about him.”- Bonnie continued. 

Y/N/E now turned around and looked at her psychiatrist.

“I will go - ho-me to him?”

“Yes. He is your husband. Unless you don’t want to. You can go to your parents -”

Y/N/E now shook her head. 

“With him. I wa-nt to go with - him.”

Bonnie nodded in ok. They now sat down to talk more about how the meeting with Elijah went, thought it was obvious that she was fine with him. Still, Bonnie could tell by her body language that she was apprehensive. 

And so -three months had passed since Y/N/E woke up.Thee months of intensive speech therapy, exercise, helped her immensely to get back to life, as she said. Only thing that remain was the locked memory of her previous life. Bonnie explained to her an Elijah that she might get it back in time, but she might never get it back. Y/N/E didn't seem to be affected by it much.

"She could feel resigned. Sometimes people do that. She focused all of her strength to speak again. That was her main preoccupation. And rightly so, she has done tremendously well. Some don't manage what she has in such a short time. She is a fighter. But, you still have to be very patient with her."- Bonnie said as she sat down to speak with Elijah the day of Y/N/E's release from the Clinic.

"That is something I got plenty of"- Elijah said-"I understand that nothing can be rushed an it's the last thing I would ever do"-

"You have suffered along with her. It would be good that you speak to someone to. There are support groups, but if you son't prefer that I know an excellent therapist. Camille O'Connell."

"Thank you. I'll consider it"- Elijah said and now got up.

"There are strong people, and I see that you are one, but everyone has limits. You're only human. An I am not saying that's a bad thing. -Bonnie said.

Elijah nodded a little, understanding what she meant.

"I will still see her here every week for a session."- Bonnie said as it was obvious that their talk came to the end- "Good luck"

"Thank you for everything you and your husband have done."- Elijah said now putting his hand out to Bonnie. The psychiatrist now shook it and said-

"That's our job.”

Both of them then went to Y/N/E, who was still busy packing some of her stuff to take home.

Bonnie's Flashback

Day before, in the session with Bonnie

"So, do you feel ready to go home?"- Bonnie asked.

Y/N/E took a moment and answered it-

"Yes and no."

"And how do you feel about Elijah?"

Y/N/E looked at the flower bouquet he had brought her the day before.

"He is nice."

Bonnie wrote a note down.  It was the same feeling she expressed after meeting him the first day at the Rehabilitation two months earlier. She then looked at Y/N/E. She was now looking at the photo that she had put in a frame-

"I feel good around him. Everything he said to me looks like we had a happy marriage. And he has done so much for me"

"So, you are happy to go home with him?"- Bonnie asked.

"Yes."- Y/N/E said.

Bonnie noted down that Y/N/E was positive about Elijah, but her demeanour showed that she didn't express anything that made her feel more than just feel good around him.

Elijah now took the bags and waited a little till Bonnie and Y/N/E said their goodbyes. Although Bonnie was her therapist, she got attached to the woman. She considered her her friend. Y/N/E gave her a hug. Then turned to Elijah, who asked if she was ready and Y/N/E smiled a little nodding. Inside she still felt quite apprehensive. It was like entering the world with new eyes. Everything, every day was like she had been put in a book of collage art. One chapter was her art, the other her husband, her parents, her friends, herself. Everything was jumbled up. 

As they got into the car, he asked-

"What would you like for dinner?"

"Pizza"- Y/N/E replied.

"Pizza?"- he said surprised. She never like pizza for some strange reason.

"It as on my dislike list. I want to try it and see why I dislike it so much."- Y/N/E said.

"All right. Do you want to pick up something from your like list?"

"Red wine, but I guess I cant have it because of my medication"- Y/N/E said.

"You used to like beer. We can get you a non-alcoholic one"- Elijah suggested.

"Beer, really? Jenna didn't write it down."- Y/N/E now said.

"When we met you would always order beer. And then you stopped. Well, you stopped drinking alcohol altogether."-Elijah explained.

"Beer then"-Y/N/E agreed and now asked him-"Do you like pizza?"

"I do. Kol, Klaus an I would meet on Fridays - it was a long time ago- but yes- and it would be playing cards. Then we would always ordered some"

"Why don't I like it?"- Y/N/E inquired.

"You were always eating healthy. You hate junk food actually."

"Oh, yes, Vicky told me"- Elena said now turning to look out of the car window. The streets looked familiar to her. But she didn't know for sure exactly where they were. He could feel that it had discourages her slightly.

“Can we put music on? I have - this- “- Y/N/E now produced an USB with the music Bonnie had helped her choose.

“Yes, of course”- Elijah now took the USB and put it in the car player.As the first song started, Elijah’s eyes glittered with tearfully, but this was a happy glow, as the first song was strangely something he listened to - Photograph - Ed Sheeran.

He glanced at her and she now at him-

“I know it is not something you listen to”- Y/N/E said, and Elijah now gasped thinking she remembered something.

“You remember what I- listened to?”

Y/N/E shook her head and replied-

“Vicky told me what you listen to.”

“Oh.”- Elijah exclaimed a little, and then the second song on the play list was  Greta Van Fleet - Highway tune.

That she took the trouble to put the songs he liked warmed his heart. They had quite a bit in common, like watching old movies, they loved art and shared also a great interest in Opera, but when it came to pop music, they were the total opposite, and she could not understand how he could love the heavy stuff. 

Now, as she played with the fingers to the beat of the drums on her thigh, he had to ask-

“You like the song?”

“Yes”- Y/N/E replied-”and - I would like to learn to play drums.”

“You want to learn to play drums?”- Elijah was stunned.

“Yes. That is strange?”

“It is - unusual. Ahm- but - if you want to - we can arrange it.”- he replied.

“Thank you.”- Y/N/E said.

And they continued listening to the most unusual playlist put together. An hour later they arrived what was their home. As Elijah parked up, and they got out, Y/N/E looked around.

"This is our neighbourhood.”

"It looks really nice."- Y/N/E said.

"Trying new things could be a new adventure"- Elijah now said thinking of her wish to learn to play drums.

"Adventure"- Y/N/E repeated and continued-"I think I like adventures, at least that's what I wrote in that intro for one of my exhibitions. Did I keep a diary?"

"As far as I know you didn't. You wrote a book of essays about ceramics, sculpture. You were about to publish it when-" "The attack happened?!"- Y/N/E stated.

She could for the first time see that it was painful for him to say it.

Y/N/E's Flashback

A few weeks before

Y/N/E looked at the photo of her and her best friend Vicky Donovan.       

She was told by Elijah that her best friend was coming to visit her. She was an actress and lived in Los Angeles. She had read all the well wishing cards she had send her.

"I am so sorry I couldn't come earlier"- Vicky said as she hugged Y/N/E.

"It is fine."- Y/N/E said.

The women got out of the hug and just looked at one another. Y/N/E knew her from the pictures and what Elijah had told her. Everything else was blank.

Vicky then sighed a little and in her bubbly nature said-

"So, everything is - wiped off?!"

"Almost everything. I remember something about myself when I was little."- Y/N/E explained.

Vicky hugged her friend again.

Y/N/E asked her to tell her all about their friendship. And finally about Elijah.

"You married the greatest charmer on this planet"- Vicky said-"every girl wanted him. And he had so many affairs."

"Really?"- Y/N/E was surprised.

"Ok. Don't get this wrong. He is dark, tall and handsome, and deep inside like absolute goodness."

"So, he was with lot's of other women?"

"Yeah, but when he fell in love with you, he only had eyes for you"- Vicky said-"and you didn't make it easy for him."

"Tell me."- Y/N/E said.

"Ok. Here it goes. Ready?"

Y/N/E nodded.

"Right. You first met in this bar. I think it was called ‘Daniel's’. I knew his sister-in-law Sophie."

"Kol's wife?"- Y/N/E interrupted her.

"She is a designer. I met her when I worked as a model"- Vicky explained-"anyway, he was hooking up with a woman -Hayley, I think was her name- and both Sophie and Rebekah couldn't stand her. You know Rebekah-"

Y/N/E swayed with her head implying  that she now didn't really know Rebekah anymore.

"Oh, yes"- Vicky smiled a little apologetically and continued-"Rebekah is the best, but if she doesn't like you- then she is your worst enemy. But she really liked you. The moment she met you she was like your best friend."

"So, I didn't want to be with him cos he was with that woman?"- Y/N/E asked.

"Sort of. You were also kind of dating this guy- Mason Lockwood."

"Kind of?"

"You were off and on. You didn't really want to be serious with anyone."- Vicky explained.

"Then how did it happen? How did I get to marry Elijah?"

"You kept seeing each other. You two both loved that bar. And you just would talk. Like forever. Seriously. You two would sit on the bar and just talked about anything. Your art. The stuff that was going on in the world. New York. Why the spring is better than the autumn. Or why you loved Easter and he loved Christmas."

"So, we started as friends?"

"Pretty much. Although- you were both falling hard and didn't really know you were. And we all watched it and we were all like- get a room already!"- Vicky said.

"And? How then."

"It was for Halloween bonfire night. Rebekah would always organize these theme parties. And we were all invited to the Hamptons."

Y/N/E now got up and looked for the album and then showed her friend the strange photo of her and Elijah in costume.     

"Ah, yes. Wow. Yes, that's it."-Vicky said- "this is the night you made your mind up that you will tell him that you choose him"

"Choose?"- Y/N/E was surprised it had come to the point she had to make a choice.

"Well. Elijah told you how he felt a few days before the party. And he saw you with Mason in the bar and though you broke up with Mason already, but Mason had to kiss you in front of Elijah. And it was all a bit ridiculous. Elijah thought that was it."

"But then I went to the party"

"Yeah, we went to the party"- Vicky said-"and he was there, all completely broken."

"What happened then?"- Y/N/E was eager to find out.

"You went to him and - told him that you choose him- and it's not like you ever had to choose. You were so in love with him already."

     Taking her bag Y/N/E gave Elijah a significant look now saying-

"I don't know how this will go, but I am ready for this new adventure!"

Elijah put a little smile on and nodded.

"Shall we follow the white rabbit then!?"- he said.

"The white rabbit?"- Y/N/E asked.

"Ok. I will get the book. You will understand when you read the story-"

"Tell me just what it is about?"-Y/N/E said as they got into the elevator.

"It's about this girl Alice- she went through a rabbit hole..."- Elijah started.

__

Elsewhere

Rebekah an Klaus walked in ‘Daniel's’ discussing his latest sail boat design. "This will be state of the art boat. Limited edition"- Klaus said. "Oh, you think about anything else except for your boats?"-Rebekah said sitting down at the bar. "Sometimes"- Klaus said looking at the direction of a blond who was sitting at the bar not far from them. 

"Right"- was Rebekah's comment looking at her phone. She was so eager to phone Elijah to find out how he and Y/N/E were getting on, but she didn't want to intrude on their privacy really.  Klaus had picked up on it and now advised her not to make the call.

"They are fine"- Klaus said.

"You didn't see her. She is Y/N/E, but the way she looked at me was like her doppelganger was looking at me- like someone else was in her body."

"Sure things are not like they were- she has to start over but I believe that Y/N/E, the Great, will conquer this memory thing. Anyway, they need time alone"-as he said that, he got up and walked away to the rest rooms. Kol and Sophie walked in and Rebekah put her phone on the counter waving at her brother and his wife, who had someone with them, someone Rebekah knew all too well. Her heart fluttered as they approached her an she said a faint hi to the man.

"We found Matt lurking outside Tiffany's actually"- Kol said "Tiffany's?"- Rebekah as surprise to hear it. "Yeah, getting an engagement ring"- Sophie said "No, just a bracelet for Vicky - it's her  birthday on the 18th of August!"- Matt said. "But that's like two months away"- Rebekah said "I am in New York just for a couple of days"- Matt explained. "So you're here for- to get her a present"- "No, My mom is not well"- Matt said-"Vicky is on a movie shoot in Toronto, she will be down here this weekend."

The  subject swayed to Y/N/E, who was now walking around the penthouse apartment slightly stunned with the place. Soaring ceilings,marble fireplaces and stunning paintings sparkled in Y/N/E's eyes. A spiral staircase off the living room opened into a luxurious bedroom with an Italian glass chandelier marveling the room. Out back was a private garden, lush with greenery, drenched in sunlight. This was their home. She couldn't believe it. She gazed out in the New York skyline now. 

Elijah, who had just ordered the pizzas, now found her on the terrace.

"Hey-"- he said dearly-"so, how was the tour?"

She turned to him with marvelled eyes -"Are you some kind of a prince, because this definitely looks like a miniature palace"

"No prince, I am afraid"- Elijah said-"just an ordinary guy. Oh, you think this  place- You  inherited it. It's actually yours"- "What? Really?"-Y/N/E looked surprised. "You lived here already when I met you. This place is your muse, your inspiration, because of your grandmother. She supported you as an artist."

"Supported me?"-

"Your parents wanted you to study medicine. But you just wanted to do your thing."- Elijah continued.

They now walked to the kitchen, which was entirely different, very eclectic in style.

"Can I cook?"- Y/N/E asked as Elijah plated out the pizza for them. 

"Yes. There-"- Elijah now showed Y/N/E the photo- on the wall.      

"I have to learn about myself through photographs- "- Y/N/E looked at herself. She had no memory of that. 

Elijah now remembered what Bonnie told him - "We are dealing here with retrograde memory loss. There is no access to  events that occurred, or information that was learned, before the injury. It tends to negatively affect episodic, autobiographical and declarative memory, while usually keeping  procedural memory intact with no difficulty for learning new knowledge."

"So, that means she can't remember anything about what she had done previously."

"Yes, all of that is locked away. There is explicit and implicit memory- People use explicit memory throughout the day, such as remembering the time of an appointment or recollecting an event from years ago. Explicit memory involves conscious recollection, compared with which is an unconscious, unintentional form of memory. Remembering a specific driving lesson is an example of explicit memory, while improved driving skill as a result of the lesson is an example of implicit memory. it's what we call procedural memories. They are automatically retrieved and utilized for the execution of the integrated procedures involved in both cognitive and motor skills, from tying shoes to flying an airplane to reading."- Bonnie explained.

"That means- she will know how to drive a car?"- Elijah asked.

"Yes. But she will not remember learning how to drive, the lessons, for example."

"Come on, let's see if you like the pizza!"- Elijah urged Y/N/E to sit down and for a moment enjoy herself. 

"You did all this."- she sat down at the hub area-"all these photos- telling me my own story?!"

"We have always loved photographing everything around us. I have so many - they are all stored on the computer."- Elijah said.

Y/N/E now took some pizza finally and was absolutely indulging in it. 

"This is sooo good!"- she said in amazement. 

Elijah smiled happily. This was the first time in a very long while that he felt good inside. Seeing her there enjoying the pizza, something she wouldn't ever eat, he thanked the universe for the moment. 

"So, what is next on the list"- he asked.

"Food?"

"Anything-"-he said.

"I don't know yet. I will make a list. Dr Bennett told me to write things down- I think I will start a diary."- Y/N/E said.

"That's a great idea"- Elijah said taking a swag of beer from the bottle. 

Y/N/E did the same.  

****

In the bar, Rebekah, Kol, Sophie and Matt where talking about different topics, whereas Klaus, way too intrigued by the blonde woman,on the way back from the rest rooms now stopped by her, and in a very slick manner addressed her having heard her speak with a distinctive New Orleans accent -

"Sorry, do you happen to be from New Orleans?"

"I am."- Caroline said-"so?"

"Nothing. Just haven't heard 'where y'at?' for a long while"- Klaus said.

"Oh, yeah"- Caroline gave him a look of 'you're really doing this as a pick up line

"Klaus Mikaelson"- he introduced himself-"that bunch over there are my sister, brother, his wife and and my sister's ex- I am pretty harmless- you can ask them"

"Not interested"- Caroline said and now asked for another Bourbon cocktail. 

One thing Caroline Forbes didn't know was that Klaus Mikaelson never gave up so easily, even though this very moment he put his charming smirk on letting her be. He rejoined his siblings. 

Caroline looked after him as she took a sip of her second cocktail. He and his small crowd seemed to have great fun as they joked and laughed. And she nursed a broken heart and the last thing she needed was a guy. Still Klaus gave her a sweet look a few moments later. Caroline embarrassed slightly that he caught her looking at him clumsily made out she was asking for the waiter's attention. 

"A message!"- Rebekah said as her phone buzzed and it was Elijah.

"And?"- Kol and Klaus said in one voice.

Rebekah read out- 'All good"

"Is that it?"- Rebekah was miffed about the short message. 

"What do you want him to tell you"- Kol remarked -"everything will be fine! A round of drinks for everyone!"

Celebrations were in order. This message felt like finally they could start over again.

At the Mikaelson penthouse, Y/N/E and Elijah were going through the different files of photos he had collected and organized on his computer

"So, here- all sorted by year, events, holidays. You can feed it into your computer later."- he said.

"OK. Let's start then- "- Y/N/E said opening the first file- it started with the Bonfire night when they first kissed and she told him she loved him. Then series of photos from parties, exhibition openings, their first trip - New Zealand.  

He had to explain why New Zealand. And that they did the bun then series of photos of their wedding prep.

"Vicky said we eloped!?"- Y/N/E uttered looking at him-"is that why we have no wedding photos?" "Yes. You came to my office - it was sometime in the middle of the preparations all flustered-

Elijah's Flashback retelling Y/N/E how it came about

"I am sorry that I am bothering you at work- but I just can't do it!" "What Y/N/E?" "The whole wedding thing"- "You - are you - what is going on?"- Elijah said feeling as if someone ha pierce him straight in the heart. Y/N/E noticed the sad streak appear in his eyes fearing that was it-she is cancelling everything. She approached him and kissed him wrapping her arms around his neck- "OMG- did you think I was calling it off?"

Elijah nodded slightly.

"Why?"

"You looked so fed up- and we've been together like little over six months- and maybe you got cold feet?"- Elijah said.

"My feet are warm. Very. I just don't like the whole planning thing- and it feels like the wedding planner just took over everything- and I hate the whole guest list and the venue is not right. This is supposed to be about you and me. And I just want to go - elope. There is a place called Mystic Falls in Virginia. I booked the hotel on my way here."

"You did?"- Elijah was stunned.

"We can get married in a private ceremony- they have this beautiful gazebo. I called Vicky and she is all up for supporting us to elope!"- Y/N/E explained.

"Wow! Really?"

"Really!!"- Y/N/E's eyes glimmered with eagerness and cheekiness.

"Ok. Let's do it!"- Elijah agreed-"Your wish is my command!"

And they eloped. The only thing  she took was the wedding dress. Vicky could not go with them as she got a role in a TV show and they took off, asking two complete strangers to stand as their witnesses. 

"You would always do things on an impulse. Maybe not always"- Elijah explained-"but quite often. You were fearless, open, loving, caring, dreamy -"- then he stopped as he realized he said were-"you are- I am sorry- I don't know why I said it in past tense-"

Y/N/E touched his hand instinctively, like always had done when he was sad or frustrated. This was the first time she had touched him after she came out of the coma. If an onlooker could see the moment in slow motion the way he looked at her, her hand on his, then him raising his eyes at her, looking at her with his heart nearly bouncing out of his chest - Y/N/E realized how deeply in love he was with her. This man, that she didn't know, that she had this amazing history with, made her feel all fuzzy inside, but still something kept her away. She didn't know why she felt like something inside of her was holding back. She felt like an outsider in her own life. She didn't know herself, who she really was- just from all the stories people had told her. She didn't even recognize herself in the photo when they first showed her. 

Elijah noticed the frustration taking over and now trying to calm her suggested they take a break from the stories about the past-

"It's been a long day. We don't have to do everything in one day"

"No...no we don't."- Y/N/E said-"when do I have to take the medication?"

Elijah looked at the clock- "in an hour. Do you want to have a little rest?"

"I don't know"- Y/N/E said getting up- "I really don't know."

They stood there in their glorious living room looking at one another enveloped in a limbo. This was never going to be easy. He knew that. The men that left her for dead, took a great part of their lives away.

Flashback

More than a year ago

The attending surgeon got out of the OR. Elijah, Rebekah, Miranda and  Greyson stood up all to hear how the operation went. And the attending asked Elijah to follow him to his office.

"Why?"- Elijah was breaking apart inside.

"Please follow me to the office"- Dr Parker  said.

Elijah went, leaving Rebekah to deal with Greyson and Miranda.

In the surgeon's office, Elijah waited for the news as if he was in  front of the firing  squad.

"This is not an easy thing to say-"- the surgeon paused for a second-"did you know that your wife was eight weeks pregnant?"

"Wha-"- Elijah felt like someone took his life away as he assumed from the surgeon's face what was coming-"it didn't-?"

"I am afraid not- we could not save it- I am really sorry"- he then explained about the rest of the operation.

And why did he think of the most saddest moment in  his life right now- inside he was scolding himself for letting his own deepest sadness overwhelm him- especially on this day that was going so well, on this day when she came home.  

And again, impulse or just plain human feeling,  Y/N/E walked to Elijah, and they looked at one another for a second and just went into a hug. This was Y/N/E, this amazing human being, that had the gift of compassion, selfless completely and utterly. 

_______________

Too Afraid to Remember

Inverted Character Intros 7/7: Anti

Tagging: @evyptids​ @awkward-bullshit​​ @watermelonsinmyattic​ @asunachinadoll​ @a-humble-narcissus​​ @metautske​ @odysseus-is-best-boi​  @acuriousquail​​

Jack woke up in a school. That was weird enough in and of itself, but it wasn’t one he recognized. He was sitting at a desk with marks carved in its top, part of a row of identical desks. There was a green chalkboard at the front of the class, with writing in...what language was that? He vaguely recognized it...Korean?

He blinked vaguely, standing up. How did he get here? He could’ve sworn he went to bed at home. Well, however it happened, he needed to get out of here. He walked over to the closed classroom door, pulling on it, then pushing on it, but it remained shut. He looked through the classroom windows. Outside it was night.

“D͡id ̢y̨o̕u ̷ḿi̷s̕s ͝m͟ȩ?”

Jack jumped, then turned back around. A man was sitting on the teacher’s desk at the front of the room. He looked just like him, but his hair was still naturally brown. An white square eye-patch covered his right eye. He wore a black shirt, blue jeans, and black sneakers. There were bandages around his neck. He was staring at him.

“Who...who are you?” Jack breathed.

“Have you forgotten, Jack?” The man asked. “Really?”

Jack stared at him, edging a bit closer. His face was familiar, true, but considering it was identical to his own, and pretty similar to those of his friends, that was no help. What about the patch? Did he know anybody who wore one? He was sure he didn’t, but the longer he looked at him...

“I think...I think I know you,” Jack said. “But...I don’t know from where...”

The man shook his head. “Well, that’s something. S̢t͡upi̴d́ fu̡c͏k͞in͏g hy͠p̴n̡ǫt̛ist́. An̨d̛ ̵that ̷magic̴ mo̵ron͢ ͠too.”

“Wait, what was that last bit?” Jack couldn’t quite catch it through the sudden...interference. Was the man wearing a microphone or something? That was glitching out?

The man stood up. “Did you know that humans can form a false memory in just an hour? Sometimes even less. And forgetting is even easier, especially if it’s encouraged. Usually you do it yourself, repress the memory. But it’s just as easy for someone else to convince you something never happened. And if you’re part of a group, you’re likely to go along with what they say, even if they’re wrong.”

“What are you, a psychologist?” Jack laughed.

“Don’t be ridiculous. I’m much better.” The man’s voice didn’t give away any emotion. He was simply stating a fact. “I can see what’s going on up there. You never l̸i̴s̢t̢en̢e͞d̶ to me, Jack. I told you to build up some walls. You don’t even have to drop that trusting part of your personality to do so. And yet here you are, still as easy to break into as ever.”

“What do you—” Jack stopped. Memories were starting to flood back. That broken voice. That face, usually surrounded by distortion. That eye-patch, and what lay behind. “You.” He stumbled backwards. “You!”

“Y͡es̸! F͢inal̕ly̨!” The man threw his hands up in the air. “I’ve been trying for fucking m͟o̕n̡t̴hs̶! Do you remember, Jack?” He started forward.

“Stay away!” Jack yelled. “Stay back, Anti!”

Anti stopped, eye wide. “Why?”

“You really—you think I’m going to trust you?! After what happened on Halloween?”

“What happened on—? Damn it!” Anti growled, more to himself than to Jack. “I k̢n̛ew̶ you were going to react badly to that. I didn’t mean—”

“You didn’t mean?!” Jack laughed incredulously. “You didn’t mean to fucking possess me?! I don’t believe you can fuck up that badly!”

“I was t̴r̨yin̷g̷ to—you knew what was going to happen!” With a sudden break, the air around Anti became distorted, shadows and squares of green light appearing out on nowhere. Every time Anti moved, an empty copy of him would follow his movements. “I told̵ ҉you!̧ Y̕ou̵ ͢a̵gre̵ed͏!̢”

“No, I didn’t! I think I would’ve remembered that!”

“Y͡ou ̨didn̕'t̶ ͝eve͠n͞ ͠re̢m̵ember ͟m̢e̷ ́a ͞m̡iņute ̵ag̢ơ,” Anti said in a low voice. “An͏d ́h͟o̧w͠ ̨l̀on͞g͏ hav͢e we̡ kn̷own̢ ̷ea͞ch ̶ot̡h̢er͞?”

“Not that long,” Jack rebutted. “I met you in October. I trusted you, and you lied to me. You used me.”

Anti shrieked. The classroom around them broke down, lagging and pixelating like a video game glitch. Their surroundings reconstructed themselves. They were standing on a riverbank, with a building in the distance. It was still night. The river was red.

Suddenly, Anti began to laugh. “I̕ to̴l͢d yo͏u, ͏d̶i̵d̨n̨'t I?” he gasped. “ It wasn’t even a minute ago! I t͏o̢l̕d ̵yo̷u̶ t̵hat ̛h̴u͏m̴an̕s ̨c͞an fo͞r͝m ̛f̀a̷ls̕e me͞mo̷rìe̛s͡. ͏A̶nd̵ ͝yo̧u ̛won'̧t li̢s͠ten ͟to ͝mȩ.̶” The glitching around him calmed down until he almost looked normal again. “Oh̵, i͢t ju͏st g̷o͠es͞ ̵to̕ ͞sh͞ow. ̕Pe͞ople ͏ẁil͞l̕ gò to suc̢h lengths to͏ a̢vo̕id the t̀r͏uth they don't want to hear.”

Jack had started to back away once again when Anti started to laugh. But he stopped upon hearing that last statement. “What...do you mean?” he asked.

“Oh, Jack...” Anti sighed. “What have they been telling you?”

“They?”

“Those...p̷͝e̷͏ơ͠pl̷̶e̡̕ you spend your time with.” Anti spat the word out like he was thinking of a much worse one. “You know who I’m talking about.”

Jack rolled his eyes. “You mean my friends?”

“The̵y'͟ré n̡ot ͞y͏o̧u̢r fri͡en̴ds!” Anti hissed. “Even I can see that! Friends don’t watch your every movement. Friends don’t convince you that you’re wrong about everything you’ve seen. Friends don’t—” He stopped. He closed his eyes, inhaling and exhaling deeply. “You can’t trust them, Jack. I’m the only one you can. I’m the only one who’s always been by your side.”

Jack hesitated. There was something nagging in the back of his mind, something that leaned toward what Anti was saying. Vague memories, like the recollection of a dream. But there was too much contradiction. Too much inconsistency in between what he thought he knew and what he had forgotten. In the face of this uncertainty, in the face of this distorted glitch, he fell back on what was safe. “No...” he whispered, then said louder. “No. No! I can’t trust you! You’re a liar! You’re just trying to get me on your side! And I’ll never join you.”

Anti stared. His shoulders slumped. “Fine...” he said. “Fine. You can think that. But you’re wrong. And I’ll get you back one day.” Jack’s vision went dark. “T̷his̸ ̧i̧sn'̸t͝ ̴ovȩr̢.” One last echo bounced through his mind.

Jack started awake, gasping. He was in his room, at the house. It was dark, so he reached over and turned on a lamp. Nobody was there. He was alone. Jack shook his head. Well, if he was awake now, he might as well start recording for the day. He was in the middle of a horror game playthrough. It took him a moment to remember the name. Detention. That was it.

As he got up, he made a mental note to tell Marvin that the wards he’d put up around the house weren’t working.

On the other side of the city, on the top floor of an office building, the shape of a man sat in the middle of the floor, surrounded by broken monitors and dented CPUs. He...really shouldn’t have destroyed all this equipment. It just meant he was going to have to replace it. But he hadn’t been thinking of that at the time, just how...frustrating this all was. He was going in circles with Jack. At this rate, Jack would stay there, forever. He just wanted...

Anti shook his head, dissolving for a moment. At least he’d made some progress this time. Jack remembered. That was a start. He just needed to keep going.

He tugged on the bandages around his neck. As always, they reminded him of his one promise.

He could not give up.

God, I missed writing this boy. It’s so fun. Since I already showed off the way he acts in the main two-part intro story, I didn’t want to go the route I went with the other Inverted!boys. They needed overall introductions, this boy didn’t. So I decided that this story was going to look at probably the most important relationship in this AU: that of Jack and Anti.

Inverted!Anti likes Inverted!Jack. I mean, of course he does, almost everything is flipped in this universe. But he doesn’t like him in the way the rest of the Inverted!boys do. He actually wants Jack to be safe and happy. And guess what’s not happening while Jack is with the others? Honestly, Inverted!Jack is probably the only person Inverted!Anti cares about for real. Most of the time he’s working like “oh that’s a human. Humans are good. They should not get hurt, as a rule.” But with Jack, it’s a lot more personal. The two of them have a long history, one that’s been erased, more or less, from Jack’s mind. And you can bet that’s gonna strike a nerve. Inverted!Anti would’ve caught onto the Inverted!boys’ activities and tried to stop them sooner or later, but not as...enthusiastically. They really should’ve left Jack alone.

Interview with Ava Gardner: A Life in Movies Authors Anthony Uzarowski & Kendra Bean by Kimberly Lindbergs

FilmStruck has recently made a batch of Ava Gardner films available to stream and I decided to contact the authors of Ava Gardner: A Life in Movies to discuss the actress and her films. Anthony Uzarowski and Kendra Bean have also recorded an introduction for FilmStruck’s Ava Gardner collection available to subscribers now.

FilmStruck: To begin with, can you both tell me a little about yourselves, your backgrounds and what inspired you to collaborate on a book about Ava Gardner?

Anthony Uzarowski: I'm a writer and film historian and I also work as a collections assistant at the British Library. I studied film and languages at University College London, but my fascination for cinema goes way back to my childhood. I've always been fascinated with movie stars, particularly the old-timers. I remember falling in love with Marilyn Monroe when I was about 5— it was love at first sight. Ava was always very special to me because I was told she had been my grandfather's favorite movie star, I never met my grandfather so she became a link that connected me with him. I always identified with her free-spirited nature and her love of adventure and nocturnal lifestyle. Kendra and I first met through her wonderful website, vivandlarry.com. Our mutual love for Vivien Leigh and classic Hollywood brought us together and when we met in person, we became instant friends. I had been wanting to do a book about Ava for a long time– I started running a Facebook page for her back in 2009, and it soon became the largest FB page for Ava, with over 240,000 followers. It's still larger than the official page run by her estate. 

After Kendra published her first book on Vivien Leigh, she suggested we collaborated on a project together, and of course Ava was an obvious subject. I'm so grateful to Kendra for giving me the confidence to go for it. If it wasn't for her, I don't know how long I would have waited before I'd feel 'ready' to write a book. Working together was a wonderful experience, and Ava, as a subject, proved to be everything I hoped for and more. We both really felt that Ava deserved a visual tribute to her life and work, and a book that would highlight her often underrated legacy as a screen star. 

Kendra Bean: I'm a historian and currently work as the collections assistant at the National Science and Media Museum in Bradford, U.K. I did my B.A. in Film and Media Studies at the University of California, Irvine and then moved to London for an M.A. in Film Studies at King's College London (this was followed by an M.A. in Museum Studies). Like Anthony, I've always been obsessed with cinema. But it wasn't until college that I realized my passion for film history. In 2007 I launched the website vivandlarry.com, and online tribute to Vivien Leigh and Laurence Olivier. I've been fortunate to meet so many amazing people through the website, including Anthony, who was the Man of Honor at my wedding in 2016. My work with vivandlarry.com led to a book titled Vivien Leigh: An Intimate Portrait (Running Press, 2013). Afterward, I had a chat with my agent about what to do next and she suggested I try a different subject before continuing with my research on Vivien Leigh. Like Anthony said, we agreed to collaborate on a book about Ava, in part due to Anthony's social media reach with his Facebook page, and in part because she's a great subject. I didn't know much about Ava when we set out on this project, so it was really a process of discovery for me and it lead to great appreciation for her career and who she was as a person. Anthony was wonderful to work with. We encountered some pretty large obstacles when writing the book but we made it through and I'm very proud of the finished product!

FS: You're both working with FilmStruck right now to create introductions for the Ava Gardner movies we'll be streaming, so I have to ask: what are some of your favorite titles that FilmStruck has made available? And what film would you recommend to new viewers who may not be familiar with Gardner's work?

KB: I was honored to be invited to do film intros for a selection of early Vivien Leigh films that streamed on FilmStruck last October. It was a great experience! I'm a big fan of the Criterion Collection and was sad when Netflix dropped them from their streaming lineup a while back. So really, being able to view any Criterion/Janus Film titles are wonderful in my opinion. FilmStruck was recently launched in the U.K., which is cause for celebration, and I'm hoping they get licensing permission to stream films on the scale of their US counterpart. In terms of Ava films, I'm going to recommend BHOWANI JUNCTION (‘56). It's not as well-known as NIGHT OF THE IGUANA (‘64) or PANDORA AND THE FLYING DUTCHMAN (‘51), but it is an interesting historical film directed by George Cukor, in which Ava plays an Anglo-Indian woman struggling with identity issues amongst India's fight for independence from British rule. First of all, she looks stunning. I also consider her performance as Victoria Jones one of her strongest. Ava always talked down about her acting abilities but in this film she proves that she has emotional sensitivity and more depth than she ever gave herself credit for. 

AU: BHOWANI JUNCTION is great! I agree with Kendra, Ava gives a very nuanced performance and I think that George Cukor is one of the directors who really knew how to get the best out of her. Ava was very insecure about her acting, she also never had a studied method or technique to rely on. In order to bring a character to life, she felt she needed to expose her own feelings and emotions, and that wasn't always easy for her. I personally love THE NIGHT OF THE IGUANA. I think the script by John Huston and Anthony Veiller (who had also written THE KILLERS (‘46) is one of the best adaptations of a Tennessee Williams play ever committed to screen, and Ava as Maxine is a revelation. She is warm, fiery, tender and heartbreaking. I think that the selection chosen by FilmStruck will be a very good showcasing of the evolution of Ava's style and the different facades of her career and her screen persona. Of course, MOGAMBO (‘53) and PANDORA AND THE FLYING DUTCHMAN are beautiful and iconic, but some of the later films are also very interesting—aside from THE NIGHT OF THE IGUANA—I think Ava gives one of her best later performances in SEVEN DAYS IN MAY (‘64). The script really doesn't give her very much to do, and her screen time is very limited, but Ava manages to craft a multilayered, complex character and her scenes are truly memorable.

FS: Ava is absolutely gorgeous and very sensual on screen, but she has an earthiness and timelessness that seems to set her apart from many of her Hollywood contemporaries. What do you think made her such a unique presence in so many great films? And why do you think modern audiences still find Ava so compelling?

AU: Such an interesting question! I completely agree, there is something very timeless about Ava's screen presence; she at once epitomizes classic Hollywood and is very contemporary. I think a lot of it has to do with the fact that Ava was entirely natural and spontaneous as a performer, even in her early films (THE HUCKSTERS (‘47), THE GREAT SINNER [‘49]) she is very authentic and fresh, there is no put-upon mannerism about any of her performances. It's significant that a lot of her best performances are in films she made outside of her home studio, MGM. Metro were famous for their very particular brand of manufactured glamour which can often appear dated and artificial today. Ava is at her best in films made on location, away from the constraints of a studio (MOGAMBO, ON THE BEACH (‘59), THE NIGHT OF THE IGUANA). I think another element that contributes to how relevant Ava is today is the way she lived her life–her independence and the choices she made were in many ways much more 2018 than 1950. KB: I think Ava was a true film star. She had screen presence and that something undefinable yet at the same time recognizable. She was earthy and soulful—especially as she grew older—and when she was cast in roles that she connected with on a personal level, she gave some great performances. I think people today find Ava compelling because she was memorable, sexy and mysterious at the same time. She didn’t play by the rules and lived her life the way she wanted to. As surely, her beauty still resonates with film fans today.

FS: Ava’s personal life is as fascinating as the films she appeared in, and one of the film’s streaming on FilmStruck is the documentary AVA GARDNER, THE GIPSY OF HOLLYWOOD (2017), which focuses on her life in Spain. Ava spent a lot of time there during Franco’s reign, which was a very turbulent time in Spanish history. Why do you think the country appealed to Ava? And how do you think it may have may have inspired or influenced her work?

AU: Ava's years in Spain are a huge part of her legend, her very name brings to mind images of Flamenco dancing, bullfighters and hedonistic fiestas. At the time, the fact that a major Hollywood star would dare to leave Hollywood and permanently relocate to another place was almost unprecedented—when around the same time Marilyn Monroe moved to New York—it caused a sensation. Ava's move to Europe transformed her from a successful actress to an international icon, synonymous with decadence and bohemian glamour. She lived alone and didn't apologize for it; she was independent and free-spirited, and it that sense Spain and its culture appealed to her. I don't think she took a very keen interest in the darker side of the political realities of Franco's regime. To her Spain meant dance-filled nights, exciting friendships, sexy men; all of which she enjoyed in abundance. Her life and her art certainly intertwined during this period. Many of her films during the 1950s took advantage of her real-life status as a glamorous, uninhibited expat. She also frequently played Spanish women, in the minds of the public, Ava and her adopted country were inextricably linked. Even today, decades later, Ava's spirit lingers on in the places she lived and worked. In the coastal village of Tossa de Mar, where PANDORA AND THE FLYING DUTCHMAN was shot, pictures of Ava adorn shops and cafes. In Madrid, tales of Ava's legendary escapades have become part of the local folklore. KB: I don’t think there is much to add to Anthony’s great response!

FS: Lastly, you’ve both written a lovely book (Ava Gardner: A Life in Movies) about the actress filled with gorgeous photos that I hope readers will seek out. What’s the one thing you learned about Ava while working on the book that really surprised you?

AU: I think the one thing that surprised me while researching the book was just how complex Ava was. Different people knew different Avas, and yet there's also a common thread– an unpretentious, generous spirit and a loyal friend. But within that, Ava was a bundle of contradictions: at once a wild and uninhibited man-eater and a shy romantic, a sophisticated woman of the world and a simple country girl, a talented and dedicated actress and someone who couldn't care less about her profession. And while it seems impossible to be all these things, it was the case with Ava. 

KB: I actually knew very little about Ava before embarking on this project. I had to start from the beginning watching her films, reading all of the biographies and going though the archives. Looking back on it, I think I had preconceptions about Ava, that she was just a sex icon and there wasn’t much more to her than that. But as I learned more, I discovered she was more interesting than I previously gave her credit for. I especially enjoyed going through her letters to colleagues like George Cukor in the archives at the Margaret Herrick Library. She was very funny and good natured and didn’t seem to take life overly seriously. I found that refreshing. Working on this book made me into a fan. I think she was much more talented and multi-faceted than people tend to give her credit for.

An unexpected gift

Fandoms:  Uta no Prince-Sama/Idolish7 Rating:  PG (minor language but no real overly bad stuff)

Today was an interesting day... Today was the first day of a special Media blitz that QN and HEAVENS were going to start and they were going to get it going for a good while.  It meant a few things in the HEAVENS Dorm and one of them was that Shion wasn’t going to be around nor Yamato whom sometimes runs “crowd control” whenever Joshua gets swarmed. THIS was an arrangement that Shining and Raging worked out together and Joshua made them PROMISE that each side of the deal would get equal coverage for which they agreed or else they BOTH were gonna be in some crap afterwards. This was ALSO going to be one of Joshua’s “chill” days where he cooks a little food ,watches some TV and then also works on his Tetris skills so that Nagi can’t pound him into powder on the NES game Tetris 2 (even though it never works). Someone had other ideas You see...while HEAVENS was gone Joshua was free to pursue other opportunities because of his contract.  Now he already works FOR... Raging Entertainment Shining Saotome (limited work and only for jobs he approves) Tsukino Talent (Select jobs) And he occasionally works for the Agency that the boys at B-Pro work for So there is NO WAY Joshua would ever consider other opportunities right? WELL... *beep beep* Joshua heard his phone going off and when he saw the name he thought it was a bit ODD but hey...what’s another Agency calling right? “I’ll take a large pizza with pepperoni and extra cheese” Joshua said in the most joking tone possible and the person on the other end laughed HARD at the joke “Okay...THAT was good.  Is this Joshua Curtis ,Manager of HEAVENS at Raging Entertainment and part time idol?” The person asked and Joshua just smiled before answering “This is...do I detect that this is the Takanashi Agency which is home to Idolish7 whom won that prestigious music award recently?” Joshua asked back and the person nodded before answering formally “It is and my name is Tsumugi Takanashi.  I was calling because we heard you have a concert coming up in Fukuoka at the Fukuoka Dome is that correct?” She asked and Joshua nodded before replying. “It is and I’m taking today off to get some rest before I start on my practices for it.  I don’t do a lot of dance songs but I do a lot of slow songs or songs from my past in some way.  The audience always seems to love the idea lately and whenever I do get to do a show its a blast for them and they always pack houses.  Its weird too cos I am just a ‘Part time Idol’ like you said and even I don’t get my popularity.  I’m assuming you know about this show for a reason so might I ask what this reason is friend?” Joshua asked and Tsumugi let it out “Well we are trying to get Idolish7 booked for a show even if its for the one song we wanted to do something nice for them and we thought it would be nice to have them get to work with someone like you.  They don’t have to do a long set and they even said that they would be willing to take a 2 song part in the show even if its near the end.  Do you think this might be possible?” Tsumugi asked and without skipping a beat Joshua gave his answer “It would be an honor and a privilege to have them on the show.  I sometimes have shows that tend to end early so I would LOVE to have some extra acts on the show and from what I saw of the setlist I got this one might not be be 2 and a half hours...or if it is then BARELY so I would LOVE to have some more content on the show.  I’ll get in touch with the people at the Dome and we will work on that ASAP alright?” Joshua asked and Tsumugi agreed BUT she did have one condition They wanted to do two songs...Josh was okay with this BUT they wanted him to intro one of them.  Joshua agreed to this but he had one counter condtion:  That song he intro’d HAD to be “Wish Voyage”.  Tsumugi had no issue with that (and neither did i7) and everyone was set for that show. Alright this sounds fairly tame.  Minor business call and everyone was chilled out and happy...nothing could POSSIBLY happen after that right We had to open our mouths About 3 hours after all of that (and during Joshua’s “Tetris Training”) a knock at the front door disturbed him and he was a bit miffed by this...one would think that the reporters they sometimes get would know common courtesy when no one is really home but what can you do OH BUT IT WAS BETTER THAN THAT! “Gaku...what are you doing here?” Joshua asked the Leader of TRIGGER was standing at his front door but without his other two group members...to say the least Joshua was a bit troubled. “Hello Joshua.  Would you mind if I came in its a bit hot out here.” Gaku explained and Joshua nodded and gestured for the leader to come in and he closed the door behind them. “Alright have a seat Mr. Yaotome and I’ll get the sodas...sorry this house doesn’t keep alcohol but we do have some minors whom live here.  Its a common courtesy I have extended outside the fact that I myself don’t drink.” Joshua explained to Gaku and the Leader took in all that information and understood and gladly accepted his soda before he and Joshua took their place at the island in the Dorm and Gaku began to speak “How have things been since you and I last talked...what was it a few months ago?  I think you were sub-hosting for a variety show that TRIGGER was on if I remember correctly.  Do you remember this?” Yaotome asked and Joshua nodded. “I do actually.  I remember that during one of the exchanges things got a little tense between us and I later apologized on the air for my behavior.  You told me to not worry about it but I think for you as the Leader of TRIGGER and myself whom gets jobs that do very well for myself and stations I think our reps would have taken a huge hit if I didn’t make the formal apology on air.” Joshua explained and Gaku completely understood “And the audience appreciated that.  Tenn was a little worried and I think your intense nature scared him a little but after we went off air you and I went out and a lot of things were hashed out.  I still owe you for that hangover I got though.” Gaku joked and Joshua just chuckled “Hey Mr. ‘I can hold my liquor past 5 beers’ I wasn’t expecting you to nearly get blitzed at the bar and then try to sing Karaoke with a tie on your head!  We were lucky that there were no Paparazzi there or that might not have been a good look.  I was trying to look out for ya and you know that right?” Joshua asked and indeed Gaku nodded before chugging his cola and then proceeded to ask for a second...to which Joshua obliged.  Of course Joshua also knew that he wasn’t just there on a house call either “Alright let’s talk about why I’m here Joshua.  I heard ,as did the rest of TRIGGER, that you have a big show in Fukuoka coming up at that dome they got.  We also heard rumor that your show might be running short this year cos of the setlist which is...ODD!  We started talking and we were wondering...do you have any space to have any “filler acts” or would that be a bit hard?” Gaku asked and Joshua knew that he did but something about TRIGGER screamed “SPECIAL” so what did he do?  After he and Gaku finished their beverages they went to his office and conducted some business that they didn’t want to get out into the public...yet! The concert was set for August 4th Three days later (21 Days until the concert) Today was a good day for Joshua all around.  He got in some good practice at Saotome Gakuen jamming out to some tunes as ,even if this show he was going to be in, was less about endurance, this is something that he liked to do and when he does it he likes to get one of the songs that is going to be at the show playing and then he works on some dance moves of his own for about 30-45 minutes and usually Tokiya watches him do it because of his unique style and how intense it is. Today felt different though See while Joshua was at his meeting he was asked when the last time he did a dance song was at his concert.  Joshua said that it had been “Ages” cos he hadn’t a reason to really go “All Out” because of his concert style but...he could be convinced to go “harder” if the need arose. And no one knew What was noticed was that Tokiya watched Joshua make certain motions like he was looking at someone.  The thing about it was that ,whenever Tokiya watches Joshua he is always behind him and Joshua was looking to his left and then his right...never behind him. It was ALSO NOTICED that one of the times Joshua was performing his moves he was facing Tokiya but not LOOKING at him.  This became interesting to observe because Tokiya never saw Joshua do this and ,to be fair, the person in the other Agency never did this before either! Joshua had said he wanted to try something different with this practice He wanted to see if he could feel the presence of a person without them being in the room at the same time.  He wanted to try and sync up with them by feel which was an odd idea but it was one of course was willing to be tried. WHY was this being done? Ahh that is a secret that few knew...Joshua and 2 other people knew that arranged this “undercover” project because in the past there had been some blood between the group and Joshua but after finding out it wasn’t their fault entirely (they weren’t made aware of a certain issue that happened) things calmed down but even during the time there WAS an issue Joshua never spoke against the group because he didn’t believe in smearing others...even if (Souske) Yaotome did! Yeah...they had one meeting did Joshua and Souske and it didn’t go well.  To say the least the power driven president wanted Joshua to give up his freedom to become his puppet...Joshua wasn’t down for that and issues between them arose.  THIS led to Joshua unfortunately having an issue with Gaku and they didn’t speak until the “infamous” talk show when things got bad but after that and they got their issues out Joshua started talking with the Leader of TRIGGER more and he even met with Ryu a couple of times after the incident but...those never made the papers Back to the issue at hand For something like this experiment its harder to be able to tell if its “working” or not because you need a second pair of eyes to work with.  For Joshua that was easy cos he got Tokiya.  For his friends...that was trickier because their manager WASN’T a fan of Joshua’s because of issues he had with Souske BUT they knew better than to interfere because of Joshua’s temper that stemmed from the same incident with Souske after the President nearly got pulled over the table in the Diner they were at.  If Joshua didn’t have his cool that WOULD have happened and everyone in the Agency KNEW that! So who DID his friends get? “Wow this is an interesting idea for a practice.  What do you think Curtis-san’s plan with it is?” Tsumugi asked and Ryu pondered this during  break they were having. “We have heard that Joshua has an innate ability to ‘transform’ songs.  He always likes to try different experiments and if he thinks he is close he gets this...’smirk’ on his face that let’s the person observing him that ‘it’s time’.” Ryu explained and then Gaku continued “This experiment he wants to do is something I have never thought about trying.  He wants to do something to where he is able to ‘feel us’ in the room with him but not PHYSICALLY be in the room with him and vice versa.  Its something I dunno if WE COULD DO with anyone but Joshua whom is a bit of an innovator in something like this.  Its interesting the song he is asking us to do this with too because you almost completely need to be in the room with the person to do it and yet...we practiced a good bit today and I can almost feel being in sync with him now!  I’m hoping when this is all over we can find a way to work together more with his innovations.: Gaku explained and Tsumugi agreed.  While she never got to work with Joshua as an idol before she heard about his quirky ideas and how they made things work out in the end.  When she heard about this ambitious style of practice she was all for watching and learning how Joshua operated...even when he really WASN’T in the same room with them! 2 Weeks until the concert Things were progressing nicely and Joshua could FEEL that something was about to pop soon!  It was like he could almost feel his friends in the room and the feeling was likewise for them.  Tokiya was still baffled by the idea and in many respects what was going on with him and the group from a different company altogether. “To explain this in the simplest form:  two grown men had a disagreement and then one left the other be for a little while.  To put it another way...Gaku has been someone that ,whenever I disappear for a little while, fans ask me ‘So when is the collab gonna happen with Gaku and his group?’ and I have to politely tell them to ‘cool it’ because of the fact that TRIGGER are busy dudes...I am too with HEAVENS my personal projects but its not like I DON’T try to find at least one day to work with them.  They usually are the ones busy or that wretched manager tries to get in the way.  If it wasn’t for them I think there might be a case where I would have subbed for one of them a lot more because they are good dudes.  Sometimes I think some press are harder than anything on them and it sucks.  I read the article that came out when they had the one song but there was a belief it might have never been theirs.  That had to stink THEN and in some cases its still a little bad now.  I admit I didn’t have ALL the facts but I had the ones I wanted...I own up to that as a grown man. See Tokiya I like you so having this discussion isn’t something we have to worry about a lot.  The thing is though when you are a Pro (and you are as is STARISH) you answer to so many people and sponsors and its stressful and it SUCKS and people sometimes ask for things you can’t give them without issues.  I’ve guested on shows they were on and while they have a very loyal base man...I’ve seen haters and I saw some of those DMs.  People really wanted to ruin them and I saw Tenn one time having to go to the bathroom cos one DM he got was a troll and very much disgusting.  This is sadly the world we live in as idols and managers my friend.” Joshua explained to Tokiya and when he heard his friend say all that he was BEYOND amazed at how much Joshua was defending TRIGGER there...then again he knew about their battles and he knew soon they would be over officially.  The proper truce would be made soon BUT could the fanbase accept it There was only 2 weeks left to go! And then...PAYDIRT! One week before the concert There was something about this practice that made Joshua’s heart flutter and even Ryu and Gaku were amazed that they were so close!  It was about then that Yaotome could feel something in the room and even Tsumugi...it was TIME! There was something about when they played the song this time from start to finish that ,the song felt the same, but the energy in the room was different and it was even more when Tsumugi and Tokiya saw the unthinkable...they started just about seeing the ghost images of the respective partners! Almost as if THEIR BRAINS were connected Tsumugi and Tokiya ,in two different rooms and in two different agencies said the following WHAT THE HECK IS GOING ON! To be honest there were only a few people that knew and they were in different parts of the country!  ITS ALMOST GAME TIME! After the VERY SUCCESSFUL practice Joshua called them and told them they could take off until the concert but they did have their other song to do with Tenn so that couldn’t happen and Joshua got it.  What was interesting was they were doing “Daybreak Interlude” and Joshua wanted to make sure he was front row for that one so what they agreed to was something that was pretty nice and the fans were gonna love...they just KNEW IT! And they were right The day of the show Joshua made sure to get to the building early to make sure everything was in order with his stage outfits as well as the turnstiles.  He remembered the incident of a very famous concert and he never wanted a repeat so every day after his practices he would go to check the stage setup cos they had a special surprise for the people coming. There was still a number of people (not a lot but a few) that believed the press that there was still tension between Joshua and TRIGGER because of reports that Souske would put out.  This time this was without anyone’s knowledge and Joshua had Himura’s word that everything would go off without a hitch...so much so that he had Camus play the role of driver to get them to and from the building!  Originally they were going to object until Joshua told them that “When Camus becomes your driver its less an option and more of a ‘If you DON’T get in the car there are going to be problems’ kind of thing” Believe it or not...TENN HAD NO ISSUE WITH THIS! You see...Tenn was the one Joshua worried about the most and its a legit concern.  The thing was that Joshua has known that Souske is a bit of an ass...okay understatement of the year but the point is he didn’t want Tenn to freak out when Camus showed up.  Camus however was a true gentlemen and made sure they got to the arena without any issues and even properly escorted them to their dressing room which ,while Joshua didn’t ask him to go THAT FAR, he was still very grateful for the Scion of the Silk Palace. As Joshua got ready for the show Himura came in to tell him that his friends arrived and managed to duck the cameras that were there.  This was to be a very big surprise and he didn’t want the cameras catching it...fortunately for him Camus stayed around to act as a decoy because of what was being planned and the how -------------------------------------------------------------------------------------- [FLASHBACK] Three Days Earlier “So this is supposed to be a surprise?” Camus asked and Joshua nodded “See there are people that KNOW the truth about me and TRIGGER.  They know what happened before and what turned me against them and they didn’t blame me.  Other’s however...they don’t so I want to specifically surprise them BUT it might be a big surprise for everyone considering whom is going to be there along with them.  My problem is that I know if the press gets a hold of this beforehand it could blow up.” Joshua explained but he forgot with whom he was dealing with! “It shall be taken care of.  All I have to do is do the driving and appear at the show and that should cover everything.  Once the time comes you tell me to go and it SHALL be done!  Your surprise will be safe with a lot of the media cos I have told them not to accept any leaks.  If they did they lose me as an interview!” Camus said with his usual authority and Joshua was surprised to hear this.  He also was surprised to learn that Camus had taken care of the latter part in the days before this meeting so as to protect the sanctity of everything.  He did have one question though “So if they are going to do THAT song with you then what one is Tenn doing with them?” And with that Joshua showed him the video. “INTERESTING CHOICE!  If this building wasn’t going to be sold out (and Tokiya already there) I’d have to make time to watch some DVDs from them when I got a chance...can you make sure to get me a copy of this one when it comes out?” Camus asked and Joshua nodded [END FLASHBACK] So now it was showtime and when Joshua came onto the stage he addressed all that were assembled. “First of all..GOOD EVENING FUKUOKA!” *crowd cheers* “And good evening to those watching this Live or on delay.  We are in Fukuoka tonight in one of my FAVORITE places and tonight is our ‘Summer Special’.  As I look out into the crowd I see we are PACKED as usual which is always lovely to see...I swear you guys are making the Tokyo Dome shows sweat whenever I come over.” *crowd laughs* “Alright let’s talk for a second.  Tonight we have our usual variety of songs to go through tonight BUT...we had a problem.  See for the first time ever that I can remember we fell short of my standard 2hrs and 30mins that I like to do for you of actual songs.  So some friends of mine called and asked if they could help out.  Tonight for the first time that I personally can remember we will be having Idolish7 on the program tonight!” *crowd popped HUGE for that* “And if you are REALLY GOOD tonight...there is one more surprise coming for you all.  I hope you stayed off the net for the past few weeks because tonight...OH TONIGHT ITS A SPECIAL NIGHT...BUT I need you  to be really good and be patient alrighty?” Joshua asked and all the fans cheered loudly to make sure they told him they got the order “Very good...LET’S START THE SHOW!” As Joshua started his performance the fans were really digging it (like they usually do) and they all were attentive as they could be.  Some fans DID wonder what his “surprise” was but they were good and waited as Joshua finished the first part of his set about 45 minutes later.  His second half was scheduled to be about an hour and then the first half of the “new show” began During the intermission Joshua went to the back and Camus made sure to run the interference because of where Joshua was going next and this was about to get good “Has anyone told you how amazing you are even when you do ‘simple’ songs like that Joshua?” Gaku asked and Joshua just shrugged. “Its nothing really.  Its just for me I know what its like when I did my first show years ago and its like how i7 went with that one show when things went to hell in a handbasket.  I took a beating in the press but the fans literally wrote to them to make them back off and they later did for fear of boycotts to their sites and mags.  Ever since then I went and learned to practice my butt off for them like you guys do and now the energy we give each other is 100x what it normally could be.” Joshua explained and Ryu was next to speak “Have you ever blacked out during a concert?  Like have you ever had to go to a hospital because of the way you train and then go out for your shows?  It seems like someone that goes beyond 100% would be on the verge of that constantly.” The ‘dad friend’ of TRIGGER asked and Joshua just shook his head. I have had nights where after a show I would legit go and sleep in my car before going home later.  I think the closest I came to needing medical was when I went 6th gear in 100 degree weather and THAT nearly caused me to pass out.  As far as doing my shows in domes though...no I never had that issue and yes...you would think that would be a regular problem with me so I understand your worry friend.” Joshua replied and then Tenn spoke up. “Just be careful Joshua.  We know we aren’t HEAVENS but we worry about you even when we don’t see you.  Heck Gaku had to stop Tenn from calling an arena once because he saw your physical condition but you persevered.  Seeing what you put your body through is amazing and it just makes us worry one day something COULD happen.  Try not to let that be a thing alright?” Tenn commented and Joshua again nodded “I promise Tenn that I will try to scale back.  I have a feeling you were in the room when you saw that ‘ghost’ of me and that made you wonder what happened right?” Joshua asked and when Tenn nodded he continued. “Friend I have an amazing support system of people that are all in the industry.  There are people that tell me to go disappear after one of these shows for a little while because they worry I will become so exhausted that I end up like your brother and I respect that.  Its also why though I have been making sure to have guests on to help me take the load off lately because I got Himura ,my friend Camus ,HEAVENS and now Gaku and you guys I’m sure.  You won’t let me push myself too hard and I appreciate that.  As such well...we know why you are here and we must not let your fans down.  I need to go get ready for half two and then i7 goes on before you.  What song were you gonna do before the ‘special performance’...oh yeah that song!  Have fun cos I’m gonna be watching from the back while that goes on.  I can’t remember if I ever got to see you boys live and now its gonna officially HAPPEN and I am SO EXCITED!” Joshua yelled and the boys just laughed cos they knew he was and they all bid him aideu before he went to go get changed and then the second half started. Half two was interesting because the fans were watching Joshua as intently as always but they knew that he had a BIG surprise and Joshua was happy that made them curious.  He was also happy it wasn’t a complete distraction and they still enjoyed his hour long set that he had for them. HOWEVER When the time came for the “switch” the anticipation grew.  Now they all knew that i7 was first...that was going to make sense but the OTHER thing was going to be interesting for them. First i7′s intro “Ladies and gents my night is over BUT I promised you that I would bring you some goodies and tonight let’s start our ‘After Party’.  FIRST from Takanashi Agency we have Iori Izumi Mitsuki Izumi Riku Nanase Sougo Ousaka Nagi Rokuya Tamaki Yotsuba And their leader Yamato Nikaidou they are IDOLISH7! After the introduction the crowd popped HUGE and as they came out Joshua smiled and bowed respectively to each of the members before their brief talk they were going to do and that was a lot of fun for sure “Gents I don’t think I need to say this but WELCOME TO FUKUOKA!” Joshua said with all the energy and passion he could and the crowd was surprised given the show he put on an hour earlier.  Riku was shocked to say the least “Wow Curtis-San...you sure you didn’t overdo the caffeine again?” He asked genuinely concerned and Joshua answered in kind. “Nah my friend.  I’m just excited cos you guys get to hang out in a place that has become almost like home for me and its something I am very happy about.  I won’t take up a lot of your time though tonight but I know one of your songs you are going to do for us is “MONSTER GENERATION” which is going to be awesome but for the leadoff I believe you remember my one thing I asked if you boys could do for all these nice people tonight right?” Joshua asked and Yamato answered. “YEP and we are going to fulfill that request.  Ladies and Gents in the audience we ,Idolish7 will now perform ‘WISH VOYAGE’!” Yamato yelled out with as much fire as he had in his 22 year old body and as they started their double Meanwhile backstage Joshua headed off to his dressing room and this time Camus stood in front of the door to make sure the camera couldn’t follow him in.  This was something that Camus was so protective of as far as a secret that the fans in the building couldn’t know about it until it happened!  After Joshua was ready Camus went in and they watched the performance for i7 on the big screen they had there.  It amazed him how well they went through everything and it was an even bigger thing when he sat there with an opened mouth cos of how things were laid out...and he was interested in Yamato and Iori as idols himself As the i7 part ended Joshua texted the Production Assist to go get TRIGGER and that he did.  Camus then went out with them to make sure they made their way to the stage with no issues but when they came up through the lift the power was out...not really! Joshua had texted the the tech to turn the lights down so that you might be able to see silhouettes of people but nothing else while the backstage had full power.  When Joshua saw them make it up he did his personal intro for them “Ahh friends...did you think I was done with the surprises?  Well you were VERY GOOD tonight so I must keep my word and give you my surprise for this evening...mister technician would you be a friend and bring the lights up in the arena now please?” Joshua asked and when he did...the building was nearly shaking as if it was an earthquake!  Joshua smiled and then finished his intro “Ladies and gents this group needs NO INTRO but Imma do it anyways Ryuunosuke Tsunashi Kujo Tenn And their leader:  Gaku Yaotome...friends I give you TRIGGER!” And with that they began the first half of their performance which was “Leopard Eyes” and the fans LOVED it!  They almost all were standing during that song but they composed themselves because they HEARD that something special was going to happen with the final song of the night.  What it was and how the fans would react was completely different thought process but they waited patiently as the song went on and when it ended they noticed something: Tenn bowed and walked off the stage...WHAT WAS GOING ON?! Well THEY KNEW but the audience didn’t...when they found out though it made a VERY PLEASANT REACTION! “Thank you and yes sadly that is all for Tenn on this evening.  HOWEVER we do have a big surprise for you.” Gaku started and then Ryu continued. “Some time ago I’m sure you read the papers and you read that a certain member of the Managerial/Idol community had some issues with Gaku.  Well that WAS true but as I am sure you know...time heals all wounds and tonight in many respects IS the end of this journey to fix that situation and Gaku asked this man if he would take Tenn’s spot for the final song of the night.  Would our mystery guest sign in please?” Ryu asked and when everyone had their eyes on the lift the spotlight shown on it to reveal... “WHOA!” THAT was the reaction that the crowd gave when they saw Joshua ,clad in the TRIGGER black, walk from the lift on the walkway towards the main stage with even more determination than normal and the crowd was both STUNNED and unusually happy about this development.  Sure it wasn’t Kujo but it WAS someone that they thought would NEVER be in this spot and when he reintroduced himself that sealed EVERYTHING “To all the fans of TRIGGER that might have thought my comments were out of line at the talk show and maybe in the press later for other reasons...you’re right.  I have no excuse and I have no right to ever insult anyone in this industry.  I’m above that and I know that.  I won’t ask your forgiveness but I WILL say this: Allow me the honor tonight of taking Tenn’s spot for the final song of the night which ,appropriately enough, IS ‘Secret Night’!” And as Joshua finished his speech he bowed to all of the audience whom stood as one and applauded him as the way of saying “We forgive you”.  After what felt like an hour standing O...Joshua ,Ryu and Gaku began the song and the way they performed it was such that the audience couldn’t believe the FIRE that burned in Joshua when he sang with them!  It was like something made him work 10x as hard with them and they responded in kind! When the song ended and the crowd screamed to the point that the building was going to cave in it felt like they saluted and then bowed before walking towards the back having accomplished something they didn’t think possible at one time. Changing a perception of a fanbase that thought someone ,whom was very much loved in the industry, HATED one of their most loved groups! A few days after the concert Joshua was to appear on a talk show after the big concert and during the show he was asked about having TRIG show up as guests and Joshua said that “Even when it seems like it was three weeks in the making it was actually longer than that.  I wanted to make the “reconciliation” for the fans something very special and the fact that after I said what I said at the concert they applauded me I was very happy...especially taking Tenn’s spot cos I know he is very loved in the group.” As the interview went on Joshua noticed that there was an audience member with two boxes and as he looked up and saw her he took off his mike and got a standard hand held microphone and walked up to the person to speak with them “Excuse me ma’am I can’t help but notice that you have a couple of packages there.  Would you mind explaining whom they are for if we are allowed to inquire?” Joshua asked and first the audience member started to stammer but then she composed herself and spoke into the mike “You are.  I was asked to bring these items as a favor to three gentlemen that I ran into on the way to the station.  I was a bit shocked cos they told me they would be here but...yeah I can’t find them.  Anyways I was told for you to read the letter on the top box first and then open them in order of top to bottom...I wish they were here to see this though.” The woman explained and then Joshua couldn’t help but notice the man seated directly in front of her stifling a giggle...this got Joshua’s attention! “Excuse me sir would you stand up for a second.  I couldn’t help but notice you found that a little funny.  Do you know something about these packages?” Joshua asked but the person got very serious and went “no”.  After hearing this Joshua got the packages from the woman then proceeded to ask the gentlemen that were there to come with him while he read the letter on the air Dear Joshua, We wanted to find a way to thank you for allowing us to appear at the Fukuoka Dome with you about 3 days ago.  We had thought of just a simple “Thank You” note but that would seem primitive after what you did for us...so we made a decision the minute we got back home and that decision was THIS! If you open the top box ,which we hope you did first,... At this Joshua looked at the the box and opened it to discover a pair of boots...black boots to be exact that Joshua knew would fit him perfectly!  Something was amiss! You will notice that there are a pair of black boots.  Those obviously go with the bottom box.. At this Joshua opened it and his mouth fell open and you will no doubt see the jacket we wear at our concerts along with a tie for you.  We aren’t trying to make you come over to us full time because I know of the situation with my father but after what happened in Fukuoka we wanted to say “Thank you” and would like to make you an “Honorary Member” of TRIGGER.  Will you accept our offer? Signed Gaku Yaotome Kujo Tenn Ryuunosuke Tsunashi Your friends from TRIGGER After the letter reading Joshua thought about this and the crowd waited with baited breath for the answer “You know...I have been waiting for this moment actually and I realized that THIS was the show that the original ‘problem’ started on.  Its a shame because it ALMOST cost me a friend.  If I could I would answer this publicly but it feels weird without th-- and Joshua cut himself off when he heard the crowd reacting because little did he know that when he read the names off the men that were standing next to him took off their disguises! “Well I’ll be...you boys really love shocking me and for that I am grateful...makes my life less boring”. Joshua explained and then Gaku took his turn to speak. “Its just a natural thing for us I guess.  NOW...you said you would give an answer IF we were here.  Well here we are so is it a ‘yes’...or is it a ‘no’ my friend?” Gaku asked and Joshua stood up ,looked out into the audience, and then too the mike up that he used earlier “If you all are thinking you are going home upset...don’t worry cos Josh is all about happiness at this point because my answer IS...YOU BET!” And with that Joshua shook hands with the men that he used to be at odds with and ,in a semi-related note, the ratings for this unplanned segment went so far through the roof they were hard to track! Oh well...just another unexpected gift in Joshua’s “crazy idol life”! Where would it go from here!

To Be Favored (Part 3)

The first month went by without incident. The third week of school there was a sale, put on by the Metalworking club (which I had thought to be an odd club to exist, but it all makes sense now). They sold iron rings, necklaces, bracelets, earrings and even piercings (not done by the school itself of course). It had seemed like the school had encouraged it, seeing as most, if not all the professors, were offering a bit of extra credit if the students showed proof of purchase, and the jewelry was unrealistically cheap. The club set up tents, and some of the pieces were beautifully crafted. Some were plain, others inlaid with (probably fake) gems, turquoise and diamonds. I went with Vector and I bought a few rings, studded with small pieces of ruby, and a necklace of iron chain that a clear crystal hung from.

When I asked Azriel why she hadn’t bought any, she explained that she much preferred gold over iron, and that it looked better on her anyway.

——

The first student was Taken in my second month of university.

He had been in my Intro to Environmental Engineering class. He hadn’t shown up for a few days, but I assumed he was simply sick. I hadn’t known him that well. The teacher would call his name and subsequently mark him absent, for the first few days. Then, after a week and a half, when it came time to call his name, he would pause for a moment before completely skipping it. At the time, I figured he had run away, or just dropped out. There was no bulletin for him, no announcement of death or speech by the Dean. It was as if he had stopped existing altogether. People had said he was killed, attacked by an animal, that his mother had died and he had to return home, even that he had decided to do porn instead of school (he had been very attractive, but come on).

He had gone by Michael, which I assume was his real name. Knowing what I know now, he was not one of the Smart Ones.

——

I hadn’t believed it at first, as I’m sure many hadn’t. In Them. The Gentry. The Fair Folk. But slowly, I had seen things that faded my disbelief.

For example, I had never been able to study in my room- and so I went somewhere I shouldn’t have. The Library. But, I was cautious- I took the trek in full daylight, arms pressed to my chest as I approached the drowsy building. I hadn’t come near it since my initial meeting with it, three months ago. As I stepped near its pillars I felt myself grow heavy, and I caught the quivering shadow behind the windowpanes of the door once again. I was too scared to go in until a boy walked out of the building, carrying a few books in his arms. He seemed completely unaffected by whatever I thought existed behind that door. He walked away unharmed. I pushed away whatever fears I had and walked towards the door, clinging to the handle for a moment before I swung it open.

I was faced with a completely normal library. Low lighting, maybe, but it smelled and looked familiar. There weren’t many people at the desks yet, but there was a librarian busily tidying books behind the desk. It was all so very mundane. I rolled my eyes at myself, and continued on my path through the stacks.

Time had passed so…oddly, in the library. I had found a desk in a fairly secluded area, and set up with my textbooks. The first hour had been fine, but time after that didn’t seem to flow as it normally did. After an hour and a half I had become so tired it was hard to focus-and I had made sure to drink plenty of caffeine beforehand. But, sleep never came. I flipped page after page, scribbling down notes with half-lidded eyes, until I had gone through 8 chapters of the textbook. My exam had only been over the first 4. Upon noticing this, I pulled my phone from my bag to check the time- surely to go through 8 relatively dense chapters would have taken hours. Time must have slipped by me. But it was dead. It had been on full charge when I had left my room.

I took a deep breath and furrowed my brows before slowly packing my things away. I had realized I had no idea what time it was- no clue as to how much time had passed or how exactly I had gone through 8 chapters. As I passed by the desk, I saw the librarian again, still sorting through books.

“Excuse me,” I had asked. I cleared my voice- my mouth was dry and my throat was drier. I had become suddenly aware of my intense thirst. “Can you tell me what time it is?”

She looked up at me. Her eyes were a shade of green I had never seen before. She was maybe mid-30’s, jet black hair tied in a bun. Her lips were thin, and the outside corners of her ears seemed sharper than normal.

“The time, please.” I repeated, voice croaking.

She sighed visibly and took irritated steps to a computer that sat at the desk. “You students should know the rules of the library by now. Either get an adjusted Iron-Watch from Cat-Eyes or run the risk of opening the door to a world you weren’t in before.” She said the words as she typed furiously on the computer, eyes trained on the screen.

“…Excuse me?” I asked, completely dumbfounded. She stopped her typing for a moment, darting her eyes at me.

“You’re a freshman, aren’t you?” She had asked.

“Uh-yes. I am.”

Her face had softened a little, and for a moment I thought I had seen her eyes flicker to a bright golden color. Then I blinked, and they were back to normal.

“Here. Take this.” She said, pulling out a pamphlet from the desk and holding it out in the air in front of her. I was a few steps away from her, and in my groggy state it took a moment for me to process what she wanted. She shook the paper at me, a non-verbal “hurry up” and I took a few quick steps towards her, taking the rather thick pamphlet. It was dark blue and titled “Library Services at Elsewhere University: A Guide and Compendium.” She went back to typing.

“Don’t read it now, but know that time is never promised here. Quick things though: avoid the seventh floor unless you are willing to risk the consequences. If a book is overdue, you can pay by cash, check, or by having blood drawn at the monthly blood donations. We don’t take credit cards. Keep your iron on you. Don’t write your name in any of the borrowing ledgers you might see. We don’t actually own any ledger books, all of our borrowing records are digital, so if you do, whatever happens is on you. If you hear singing, don’t follow it. If you hear a group of people far away, speaking in whispers in a language that sounds like Swedish, don’t follow it. If you hear a voice whispering your name, follow it if you wish, but no that we do not take liability for items, belongings, limbs, or personalities that are lost as a result. It will be easy to lose track of time in the languages section. The Slavic language section is particularly ruthless.” She was still typing as she spoke, and continued to do so after she finished, for at least five minutes more. I wanted to ask what anything she had said meant, but I was so tired. I just wanted to know the time.

“Is it… is it hard to find the time on that computer?”

“Calculations must be made accordingly.” She said matter-of-factly. After a few more moments and final flourishing click, she smiled softly. “Lucky for you, we’re still in the same day. Can’t say that happens for everyone. The time is 2:37 pm. Have a nice day.” With that, she stood and walked back to her books.  

I thought for a moment. I had left my dorm at 2 pm sharp. How had I gone through eight chapters in 30 minutes? I stood considering it for a few more moments and walked away, slowly.

When I stepped into the sun, my lethargy dissipated. I was ravenous though, as if it truly had been hours since my last meal, instead of only 30 minutes. My stomach growled audibly.

I needed to go home.

——

Vector and I began to talk about the “Fair Folk” on campus that we had been hearing about. They called them other things- Fae, The Gentry, The Court. She was a stern disbeliever, and laughed at it all. I wish I had been as stubborn as her.

——

The first One I met was Jimothy. His gentle nature had been a blessing.

It had been almost dusk, and I was leaving the engineering building from a group project. I took a path I don’t usually take, but one that was still in the full light of the setting sun. It took me past a small courtyard populated by small trees that casted sparse shadows on the ground. Usually, there weren’t many people there, so I didn’t pay it much mind. But this time, there was a crowd of people in one of the corners of the courtyard. I stopped my hurried strides to look at what the commotion was about.

Something dark was in the corner, something large and black. There were students around it, laughing. They seemed happy. Curious, I took a few steps closer, until I was on the outside ring of people.

Once I had seen it clearly, I was much too frozen to scream.

It was a monster, is all I could call it back then. Now I know that while Jimothy may appear terrifying, he’s the farthest thing from a monster. Many humans are more monstrous than he is. But I didn’t know these things at the time.

He was big. And his spine was exactly that- jet black bones set in a sickening curve, held together by who-knows-what. The spine led to a pair of monstrously large things that seemed to be hooves. It’s body looked like it was made of stretched leather, a clear imprint of ribs where it’s chest should have been. It stood on all fours, it’s hooves and two long, thin arms that spindled into even thinner claws. It had a neck that was impossibly curved, and it led to a bald head that was completely devoid of eyes. It did have a mouth though, a yawning gaping maw that housed, from what I could see then, several rows of glistening, white canines. Even with all this, the most curious thing I saw was an abundance of what looked to beads that hung from his neck and around his claw-hands.

I saw a kid at the front hang some beads in front of the creature’s face. How the thing saw it, I didn’t know, but slowly, it raised one of its claws and plucked the beads from the student’s outstretched hands. It seemed to inspect them for a moment before it lifted them above its head and let it drop around neck, along with the others. It then reached inside of its own mouth and plucked away a tooth with the utmost ease, handing it to the kid who had given the beads.

“Thanks Jim!” The student had said, content. I stayed long enough to watch the process happen twice more, disbelief in my eyes, fear written in my throat. Then, with one quick movement, I turned and ran, all the way back to my dorm. I did not stop to breathe, or think, or talk.

I didn’t even stop long enough to see the three crows perched in a tree of the courtyard.

————–

“You saw one of them, didn’t you.” I heard Azriel’s voice say. I had returned to an empty room and pushed myself to my bed, face in the pillow, and hadn’t moved since. She had come into a dark room and hadn’t bothered to turn the lights back on.

I didn’t respond.

“Was it Jimothy? Big black thing, sharp teeth? Loves beads? He’s one of the only ones I can think of that would come out in such broad daylight.”

I lifted my head slightly to look at her. I looked a mess- hair tangled in front of my face, eyes red from the tears I had cried, shaking. “You know about them? They’re real?”

I saw her nod slowly.

“How?”

“I uh, had a brother that went here. He was Involved. More than he should have been. He taught me a lot.”

“In-involved? In what? Like, clubs?”

She smiled slightly, and I her eyes changed colors for a long time. I hadn’t doubted myself that time. I knew what I had seen. I didn’t bring it up though.

“Áurea, we have a lot to talk about.”

——

Halfway into the semester, I knew the Gentry. By then, I had mustered up the courage and traded beads with Jimothy. I had stumbled upon and subsequently avoided Anna Monday. I knew about the creature underneath the condemned building. I carried salt and sweets on my body at all times, and though I hadn’t had a reason to use it, I kept my iron on at all times. I was determined to not become Involved. Azriel and I had grown closer since that night- and I knew there was something off about her. Something not right. Something Else. I felt safe, though.

That would not be so for long.

-Oliver Scales 

Context

I am writing this for those who were as excited, but also confused, about Gakko. By the nature of their mission and program each experience is different, but hopefully you find clarity or comfort in what I experienced Gakko to be. I was one of eight Sempai (“elders”/”teachers”) at the second USA camp hosted in 2018. If you are curious, camp photos can be found here.

Intro

Before welcoming Gakko Kohai (“students”) to the sunny, green-speckled land of the Berkshires, Sempai spent time in Hudson Valley planning and brainstorming. I keep forgetting I technically spent part of my summer in New York because Hudson was so different from the hustle and bustle of NYC… and Gakko made me feel the same way. Gakko happened, but sometimes I have to remind myself because it was so out of my norm.

Overview

Gakko was founded in 2011 and is a proponent of experimentation and “magic,” what I interpret as mystery. Just look at their website and you will learn that you still don’t really know what you would be signing up for. Actually, i’m looking at it now and they made more descriptive edits, but the defining point of the camp is really that there is no predicability or predefined structure (curriculum created by Sempai with no constraints on duration, time of day, field of knowledge, location within region etc).

Here is how Gakko describes what they do:

“Every year, we gather a group of interdisciplinary industry experts, graduate students, and college students (“Sempai: 先輩”) from around the world to create a 14-day sleepaway summer camp for high school students (“Kohai: 後輩”).”

Sempai Beginnings

Sempai don’t know each other until a week prior to Day 1 of camp. Kohai don’t know each other until Day 1 of camp. This fact probably wouldn’t have stressed me if as a Sempai I was told from the beginning. Instead, I built expectation that more information would come tomorrow, or the day after.. ultimately realising the above was the case when it happened. Considering I, and all seven other Sempai, showed up in New York on time, the trust was not unfounded. However, the lack of information was stressful. I got used to it, but I would have appreciated if someone just said “expect to know nothing.” This frustration led me to existential questions like… What is Gakko? I had to form some conception.. I knew it was not a camp under a university or institute so I shouldn’t expect the same amount of information upfront but to what extent could that be true?  The mystery did, however, help me appreciate how any information, large or small, frames an understanding, response or expectation. It gave me time to see the different pieces of the puzzle that would form my experience.

Kohai Beginnings

I was so impressed by the Kohai. Some of them do get into prestigious American summer camps and choose Gakko instead, but that is not their defining point (and if I am being honest I wouldn’t expect the same kids at something like Johns Hopkins Center for Talented Youth (CTY)). Just imagine.. what kind of kid would come to Gakko? How would they hear about the program?  How would they convince their parents? They are curious, willing to take risks and highly independent. Perhaps this will change, but from our year and speaking to others, most kohai are international (arriving to the US or travelling for the first time), diverse (in terms of interest, economic background, culture), and find out about Gakko from social media or word of mouth. I honestly don’t know how some of these Kohai, even with scholarship for flights and camp, convinced their parents to allow them to fly 10+ hours alone for the first time to a country where they may not be speaking in their first language and for a program as ambiguous as Gakko. Gakko has a great team of directors and organisers that I am sure communicate with parents, but these parents must also have a lot of trust in their fifteen-year-old’s judgement and ability to adapt in a foreign country.

Sempai Experience

There were some serious highs and lows- more than freshman year of college (which is quite strange for me to admit). You are probably thinking: “It was less than a month, what is wrong with you?” In college I had built my confidence to navigate around the other 18-21 year olds. I grew into a campus bubble. I had been largely out of touch with sports. I could gauge what it meant to take a risk in a context I was growing familiar with. Gakko was completely unfamiliar ground. I didn’t realise I had made an assumption about fellow Sempai until I met them and was taken aback that all of them had already graduated college and were 5-10 years older than me. In school, when one part of the “work social sleep” triangle was off balance I could look to two of the other components of my life. At Gakko you had to face everything that was coming at you head on, not just because things were spontaneous and impossible to digest or deflect slowly, but because we were in the middle of the Berkshires in a campus whose meaning we had collectively built and were existing in 24/7 from basically nothing. There were about 40 kohai each experimenting with how they were perceived and wanted to be perceived… many of us finding that the limit on our time (likely never meeting in person again ?!) made us more open to letting go of what can hold us back in traditional settings. It lead to greater connection and vulnerability. There were certainly moments when I was insecure about how I was navigating my job as a Sempai with the reality that some of the Kohai were the same age or older than me. This of course was the cause of some of my lows, but I think it was necessary in helping me understand my sources of confidence.

Who should go?

It is physically and mentally exhausting. I went in thinking “why not have some fun in nature before my technical internship” and came out thinking “that was one of the most character defining and challenging experiences I have had in years”. I am grateful for the experience, but I think it is important to consider the consequences of Gakko’s flexibility for Kohai and Sempai. There may be expectations from Kohai about Sempai or between two Sempai that just can’t be assumed because we have our own opinion on how something should work. Being open-minded and content can be challenging when each person has their own fantasy of what it means to be thrown into the vastness of possibility. My mind flips back and forth constantly about whether I would even consider doing this again, but I have no regrets about having done this once.

As with the Kohai, the Sempai that apply for this have a level of lets-go-for-it and zest that is unparalleled and unpredictable. We were so absorbed in the experience that I only thought of asking what a fellow Sempai did for a living a week into meeting. I would have guessed a musician or improv teacher (something along the lines of what he was teaching Kohai), but turns out he was a programmer.

Dinner with chicken

Preparing camp

Camp sunset

Conclusion

Gakko is a mystery to most and an opportunity to visit the US for the first time to some. For me, it was a commitment to learn from fellow Sempai, camp directors and 40 high schoolers. There is so much about Gakko I recall wanting clarification on, from the age of the other Sempai to how exactly we would collaborate. However, I would like to think that the ambiguity taught me so much more about what structures my world and how things of significance (meaning, connection, memories) can exist with minimal time and resources.

GAKKO Summer Camp: Sempai Reflection Context I am writing this for those who were as excited, but also confused, about Gakko. By the nature of their mission and program each experience is different, but hopefully you find clarity or comfort in what I experienced Gakko to be.