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greyzone · 6 years

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TABLE FOR JUAN - PART 2

OK - so 5:30pm couldn’t come fast enough last Monday. And my day was hectic! Work was all over the place. But I smashed through it as quickly and as efficiently as I could. When close of business finally rolled around, I was ready. Usually I hang back at work and make sure everything is completed (taking care of future Jen) but not that day. I grabbed my bag and ran out the door! Helmet on, gloves ready, key in ignition VROOM VROOM! No waiting around or awkward office small talk today people! Jen is out! Now, I’ve been trying into get into a routine recently where I go to the gym 3 days a week, with Monday’s being day 1. And I had my stuff in my bag, ready to go. But in the half hour ride home, it was really easy to talk myself out of it. It always is lol! My precious Jen time, could not be wasted lifting shit. Not today!

I had of course, spoken to the boyfriend earlier that day on our lunch breaks. And I did mention (again) how excited I was for my date night. He may have said something about, not knowing how to respond to my excitement of him not being at home (I mean, I was literally holding my breath in anticipation knowing that I had a few hours to myself, so, I understand where he’s coming form). But I just said, baby, I love you but tonight it’s about me, myself and I. Gonna wine and dine and I’m pretty sure a sixty-nine could somehow work it’s way in there. But solo style - not sure how to do that, but who knows, the night is young and so are we. Or so am I, in this circumstance. Leap of faith baby, leap of faith.

Now, I’m not one for small talk. That’s why I avoid going to networking events, cos I just can’t be arsed talking to people about shit. But, when I arrived home last Monday and hopped in the elevator to go up to our level 3 apartment, there were 3 people in there. Three. Usually, I’d just smile, press my level and try not to fart or burp in the 15 seconds it takes to get to my floor, but not today. TODAY, I was cracking the jokes, shooting the shit, high fives them on the way out and said PEACE! (Ok. I didn’t actually high five them, nor did I say ‘peace’ but I felt like if it did, it would have been natural and I could have pulled it off). Nothing was bothering me.

I grabbed the letterbox key and my wallet and headed down to the Foodworks a few doors down. Selected a bottle of sexy red wine that was going to turn into my bitch (and a bag of lollies). Contemplated dinner options - food from here, Uber-Eats or something from home. I couldn’t decide. The options were limitless. Was too excited about wine and lollies, that I just headed back home. Checked the mail - but brought the wrong key! HA - silly Jen! What a dunker. But once again didn’t phase me. Things are guuuuuuuuuud.

Headed back upstairs, checked the pantry and after that sweet sweet red had hit my lips and ⅔ of the way through Britney Spears’, ‘Stronger’, I decided on chocolate chip pancakes. That’s right, pancakes. I can do what I want, I’m an adult! I’m going to have breakfast for dinner and no one can stop me. Not that anyone would. Pancakes for dinner is fantastic. It’s a delicious option. AND there’s a whole franchise based on this! But this is a treatie for me. And with blueberry flavoured maple syrup, ERMAGAWD! Heaven.

And yes - before you ask - they were made from a packet. I ain’t no Betty Crocker. I like knowing that my pancakes will taste good and she makes that a guarantee. I also, may or may not have eaten the entire packet of lollies, before the pancakes were ready - but entree right?

Once the pancakes were stacked high, swimming in syrup and my wine topped up, I sat on our lounge room floor (we have no furniture - I’m not even kidding. We’re going for a minimalist approach, but right now it’s a little extreme cos all we have is a rug. We don’t want to be extremists, we just haven’t gotten around to facing IKEA lol) and honest to god, I didn’t know what to do with myself. I started writing a post for this blog. But that stopped when my mind was telling me, ENJOY YOUR YOU TIME. I started thinking about the other business I am starting but once again, the little voice said, STOP IT - LISTEN TO YOUR HEART, WHAT IS SHE SAYING?

And I sat there, eating and drinking and eating and drinking and tried to listen to what my heart wanted to do. And probably for the first time in a really long time, I heard her. And this little voice, (I’m going to call her Mavis), this Mavis piped up and said, ‘you wanna watch @ellendegeneres 60th birthday celebration episode?’ And I said, YES MAVIS - I do!

So, I sat there in our empty little apartment, chipping away at my chocolate chip pancakes, sipping away at my sexy tempranillo (FAVE), and watched the entire Ellen special.

And it was glorious.

A part of me felt bad for not being productive or working towards my business goals (because, we all know, Norma-Jean will pop up one day soon and be like HEEEEEEEY Bitch! Remember me? You think you got time to chill, na uh! We gotsa werk!). But, I allowed Mavis to have her time. We chilled out. We did nothing. I laid on that floor in a maxi dress and no bra, and just bathed in the beauty of ‘nothing to do’. I headed to bed around 10 (boyfriend still not home from dinner… my irrationality started to kick in a little, but I was able to thankfully calm that farm pretty quickly) and I fell asleep watching ‘She’s All That’, star-fishing across the entire bed. (But not before, attending to my own little pleasure town, wink wink).

Such a simple evening.

Yet, so powerful for me.

I realise now that Jen time is very very important and I need to make room for it in my busy little schedule. And I’m not just talking about self pleasure here people - that’s normal in my world. No, I have lots of goals that I want to achieve and huge aspirations. But I also need to make the time to calm the fuck down and just ‘be’. I don’t know how I’m going to make this a daily practice - I know there are people who meditate and do yoga and shit and sometimes that works for me, but more often, it doesn’t. And, even my therapist used to tell that I need to implement more ‘nothingness’ into my world. Clearly this is a thing I need and I need desperately. But what is nothing and where do I buy her from?

But, in realising that just ‘being’ is so foreign to me, and also hearing little Mavis’ voice for the first in like AGES, it all suddenly made sense. This is important. And I need more.

I haven’t got an answer yet - it’s 7 days later and I still don’t know what to do. And I’m sure I’ll go round and round in circles before I have one. But knowing that ‘Jen time’ brings about such happiness within me, I now know it’s value. I’m not asking for advice or anything like that. I want to find out what my ‘nothing’ power is on my own. Because when I find it that way, it’ll have even greater meaning. But I have to admit... I am kinda jealous of the people who already know how to handle their shit and nail it like a boss. ONE DAY, MAVIS! We’ll get there one day.

Who else doesn’t make time for just themselves?

You’re not alone ladies!

I’m sure I’m not the only one.

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