#can't stay online all day
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cyberspace
#gabriel o'hara#spiderman 2099#fanart#i thought way too long about this#i think each issue should end with him disconecting and then having to do something mundane#and as issues process he has to do more and more things irl#you know- with things that he might have learnt online#he has to still keep his VR programmer freelance gig anyway#can't stay online all day#atsv
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dumping some thoughts in the tags
#I've been TRYING hard okay#I've been trying to buy better clothes from smaller shops#but when they arrive it turns out they're cheap polyester drop ship crap#I've been trying to get more involved in the queer community and be more of a person#but the online zoom meetings were uncomfortable#the discord transmasc voice class went badly because I didn't understand how to use the bot#I booked a queer film night for me and my partner but it turned out to be creepy and churchy so we dropped out#I've signed up to steward pride we'll see how that goes#I went to a protest but it rained a lot so I only stayed for half#I've been trying to use amazon less but every time I go around my small local stores they don't have any of the stuff I'm looking for#I'm trying to be more myself and be more brave but my binders don't fit and I can't use a sewing machine#and every time I speak to a stranger or a colleague my voice goes up#I'm trying to work out more and eat less but I'm so tired#I'm trying to boycott and buy slave-free and say no to Ai and to genocide and to tiktok and disney and nestle and spotify#Telling myself I have food at home and to stop scrolling reddit and got get more sleep and to call my friends#All this therapy all these good choices all this work and so little to show for it some days#I am going back to fucking bed
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Currently in my banging my head against the wall phase. Hope you all are well 🥰
#Doc told me to schedule another MRI on Tuesday. They said they sent the order over on Tuesday.#I call on Tuesday to schedule the appointment. They don't have the referral yet#I called yesterday to try and schedule. They STILL don't have the referral#I message my doc and make sure they actually sent it over to the right place. (They did.)#They say they'll fax it over again! Great!#I call AGAIN today. They STILL don't have the referral#Bro I just need to schedule this fucking MRI so I can find out what's WRONG with me#The girl on the phone was like 'Oh yeah we're real busy we get orders all the time it must not have hit the system yet'#BRO IT'S BEEN THREE DAYS. HOW HAS NOBODY SEEN IT. TEARING my hair out#I went to their website to try and schedule online. Guess what? THEIR GODDAMN SCHEDULING ASSISTANT IS DOWN FOR MAITENANCE#SCREAMS#Anyway yes so in my banging my head against the wall phase. I'm so tired#And still in pain! To nobody's surprise!!#They can't fix what's wrong with me if I can't even get in to get an MRI. Hello. PLEASE#This isn't really smth that can wait a couple weeks#I should've been in to see them like YESTERDAY.#My pain is so bad I had to stay at home today. And I go and ice my back every hour or so#Bc I can't sit down for more than 45 minutes without wanting to kill myself ;))))#Shima speaks#I'M SORRY I'm just so. I've been over this for months. And now that I'm THIS close to getting answers#I can't. Seem to get these people to schedule an appointment for me#Grinds my teeth
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#I haven't been online much#i live on discord and my mental health has been declining by the day#i hate the people that are supposed to be my friends in uni#and I hate myself for keeping up this act that I don't#im anxious all the time and I feel like depression is for real approaching#im going to the uni therapist in a few weeks as I decided that it might be good to get tips on being stable#i made an appointment when I was doing well three or four weeks ago#well this week was the intake meeting and bro bro I can't believe myself#i spent a year crying and growing and healing and everything and Im still at this shitty place#and the worst is that I know I have grown and that I am doing much better but I don't see any results#I don't necessarily feel better in my skin because I haven't struggled eith my body since high school#yeah I guess I know self worth now but do I still hurt myself by staying in that friend group yes#yeah Im more confident asked many people out but I have gotten to date two which you couldn't even call date 2#well here I am still fucking crying about the same things#i guess life is like that but I'm just as sick of this life as I am of my anxiety#already cancelling plans and things I wanna do because of anxiety#so just fuck my life Im the only one standing in my way but im the biggest obstacle#will I ever be good? i guess we will see
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As a separate aside to something the last post inspired I! really hate.... how little annoyances build up. And like. There's so many of them and I don't constantly want to be like "hey this bothers me. hey this also bothers. hey sorry about sending so many messages but this also bother me" especially when they don't all matter, but I just. don't know how to sort through the ones that are actually bothering me and the things I just need to get used to. Not that I want to deal with literally any of it, I would much rather they all just stop being problems entirely. But as I'm noticing I'm bothered by stuff and then sitting with it trying to figure out if it's actually worth the misery of dealing with and saying something to someone, an issue will be sitting right out of sight and getting completely out of hand before I realize it and now I'm really overwhelmed and everything really, really bothers me and I can't deal with or get over any of it and I'm just,,, hhhhh...
#coyo speaks#I wanna crash and burn soooooo so bad but I have like#responsibilities#I can't just stay in my room for a week straight sleeping and playing video games and pretending all my bodily functions don't exist#i have a job and an online class to complete#I'm just extra wrung out rn bc I was up till 4am for no good reason#and then got called into work on my day off at 8am#a#I worked.... Wednesday Thursday... got called into today on Friday... then I have to work Saturday Sunday and Monday#bro#bruh..........#hhhhhhhhhhhh
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I am seriously physically and mentally unwell at the moment. Going to take some time mostly offline I think
#I don't know what's wrong with me this happens a lot but no one can work it out or find solutions#I'll willingly get tubed if it will help but I don't think it will#I just want a few days to exist at home#try to fix my sleep#maybe get some drawing done (on paper because my family have confiscated my tablet for some fucking reason)#try to eat what I can. that one is difficult I can't keep much down#lightly buttered white toast seems to work but we're out of white bread so. I don't know#I know I'll be okay this will pass. will stay online just to talk to important people to me#so dm me if you want to talk that's all fine with me#I just think I need to engage my brain less with shit online. it's exhausting
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#tag talk#vent#I don't wanna do the whole “I'm so good at psychology cause I've fixed myself. I should go into counseling” thing that overly empathetic#empathetic people do. but like. nothing like deconstructing a tense social conflict to make you feel good#the smol autistic minecraft enby who adopted me had a moment and I helped break down the situation and resolve shit with them. it was cool#but also I immediately went out to the living room and napped for three hours. thinning that hard was exhausting.#do you ever do the depression nap thing? when I'm doing well I never sleep during the day. but when I'm sad I take naps a lot#because I don't want to be awake and I sleep poorly at I night and am just generally lethargic so I nap on the floor or couch a lot#ugh knowing the stress will go away doesn't help the fact that it's super awful right now.#it's times like this that I wish I'd really committed to it in Feb. like. in two weeks I'll be better and joy de vivre and all that.#but right now? ugh. big fuckin ugh#the minecraft emotional labor thing is just a natural responsibility of being a 25 year old playing online video games with 15 year olds.#if I see a situation blowing up I can't hear sit by and watch someone destroy their friendships on the server. I have to help#but also bro I am struggling to help myself. maybe I say I'm packing up my pc early so that I have a good excuse to stay off the server#I literally did the thing again where I make new friends. make everyone love me. and then get burnt out at the speed of light and disappear#making friends is so easy. leaving friends is so easy. nothing is forever and we all die someday. blah blah blah you know it already#meaningless meaningless. all is meaningless. maybe king Solomon was just fuckin depressed when he wrote that. sure sounds like it to me.#I just can't do anything when I'm like this. we're subsistence living now bois.#I wonder if part of my neurological damage is from the lead I used to eat in high school.#the windex shots can't have been good for me. but I don't think that stays in your body the same way#though it did fuck up my urinary tract for a few months. that was wild.#anyway. I wonder how much of my chronic periodic funk is just effects from bad choices and how much is normal natural inevitable.#everything is an ocean. nothing is a lake. the waves are always thirty feet high and the troughs scrape you on the bottom of the reef#nothing is midline except when you're rushing through to one extreme or another.#you're either overstimulated or absent from your body entirely#both of which cause wild and oft unbearable dissociation.#everything gets better and everything gets worse. I'm only like this when I'm stressed. but that's my secret cap (avengers reference)#anyway. I'll survive. I'll make it. I'll live because I need to become even more gay to make my family mad.#I need to keep living so my dad realizes just how much he's lost touch.#so my mom cries about how she should have done something differently so I wouldn't grow up gay. because that makes so much sense right?
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this is a very weird rant to have on here and i acknowledge that but:
fuck people who wait until the last second to go somewhere to do their taxes. my dad works in a tax office and i barely ever see him during the tax season bc he’s always coming home so late.
apparently today they got so many people coming in that they had to start turning people away after a point because they just couldn’t handle any more even though there’s multiple tax preparers there. that’s never happened before. tax deadline week is always a nightmare no matter what but this is still ridiculous. now he’s probably not gonna get home until 3 am again.
then his clients get so damn snippy with him when he accidentally sleeps in and opens up late the next day. and the majority of clientele he gets never come prepared and expect him to wrangle everything together for them. and they always have the worst attitudes.
#(((it's also his own doing bc he literally has no boundaries with his clients and will stay as long as he needs to)))#but still#do your shit on time#do it online idgaf#people get so pressed when they come in and he can't see them right away bc there's a long fucking line#you're part of the problem???!? you don't even have all the forms ready#ughhh i hate people#leigh speaks#and he can't even rest the day after bc there's still these dumb as rocks idiots who call him saying they need to file an extension#nobody likes doing their taxes. i friggin get it. but have your shit together and do it on time and it will be so much easier i promise
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i rlly do like how i look today ehe
#🌙.rambles#my hair is fixed for once 😭😭 back home n after feeding the strays tho so it's ofc somewhat messy but yk it's part of my Charm. joke#i rlly like this shirt . i like my shoulders n my collarbones n all#i wore this shirt too back in the fair n oh man it was so hot then bcs i was srs wearing all black BUT#i rlly like how i looked on like thurs then n friday too ehe#hflsjfkajfka i wna watch more heartstopper today but also be more productive yk#sundays rest days nyways genbio n cle so easy ! school so ez nmn#maybe. maybe hmmm#i cld spend time w apollo but like#maybe cld call w one of our friends idk like play smth tgther#random but i miss calling w my friends sm wahh#yk going out is always lovely for me :< i love being w my family n friends but#i'm rlly an introvert too hfjshfkajfs but yk i don't usually go out like very often so#yh it's just fun n all. wnvr i do go out i enjoy myself#at lunch earlier i rmb ah yeah we were talking abt gays a bit !!!! i can't rmb how it started but my family's full of intellectuals fr#i'm so excited for our family trip in april bcs one of my ninang's gay friends will be there !!!! i heard he's really cool !!!!!!!!!#i miss my friends sm tho like. haven't talked w the ffxiv/twt one in like a month#they know we're busy tho but wahh i wna play tgther again n talk 🥺#n then w my tumblr/twt friends too i mean. like. i consider my online friends irl friends i rlly do but yk for the sake of yk identity rn#irls i miss calling smmmmm n like yk when i used to stay up late n i'll call w my friends or wtvr n late night talks too#i miss them all so much T_T hang on i'm thinking abt a lot of stuff rn#i will ask tita sometime abt ffviii/ffxii one day bcs she has them iirc. n then books too ! n other vgs ! maybe even music !#i will go to up fr. gna try my best w upcat like she said n all for pre-med. n then we cld ask her for tips for cets in general n#math bcs she's rlly goddamn good at math. tita's a bit arrogant but she's a good person c:#.. i rlly do like my hair today though#LIKE. I RLLY MEAN IT hfksjkfsjfs >< i'm so torn between so much i want to do n just think abt
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vent ii.
#so i guess i went over the tag limit and didn't realize so half of that vent post was cut off#cool cool#basically i said i think next year is gonna be a year of figuring shit out#probably not fixing anything but trying to figure out ways to make my life.. work better#i also really want to travel next year. because travel is the only thing that makes me feel sane and alive and happy#i already have a trip to amsterdam in the works to meet up with a bunch of online friends and i wanna make it work so bad#so i need to make sure i have enough money for that#but i also want to do a trip somewhere pretty that i haven't been like wales or scotland#or even a road trip somewhere in north america#but i cannot drive and so i can't go alone and also i like sharing my adventures with people#but i don't think anybody wants to travel with me so there's that#i need to figure out another way to make income apart from my shop bc i'm barely scraping by#and i WANT to do barn chores again#even tho it take a huge physical toll on my body i would rather do that than another job bc i can do things at my#own pace and i rarely have to interact with anyone and i can be around horses all day#but to do that i would have to move in with my mom and i don't think she wants me living there and idk how much she would charge me rent#it would also cause a lot of problems with my dad. he would be uspet and bitter and probably mad at me.#and would also try and convince me to stay like 'i'll drive you to the barn every week!' which would be 2+ hours of driving and#him driving me to work every day was part of why i had a breakdown and quit my last job bc he would cause so much anxiety#but my mom is literally surrounded by barns where she lives aND is on a bus route so#tbc
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#personal sad boi rant incoming#again it's after 9pm so i shouldn't pay this feeling any mind but#fuck i am so lonely#and it's stupid because i see people all day! people i like and get along with#but ok the thing is my job means i work in many different places#i'm in a different town working on a different project with different people each day of the week#i don't stay anywhere long enough to turn colleagues into friends#and i don't have enough free time to make other friends (no time to go out etc)#even the friends i do have i don't have time to hang out with bc my work days are usually 7am-9pm including most weekends#and i used to have tumblr and online friends to at least give me some sense of community#but lately i've been so busy and generally feeling meh#that i can't handle being online or even reading the chat etc.#and then i see everyone on the dash or in the chat having a great time and it kinda feels like looking at a room full of people you know#through a window and there's nothing keeping you from joining them except they're talking about stuff you don't understand#and there's too much noise and too many people and it's all overwhelming so you remain on the outside looking in#huh reminds me of the bela poem i wrote#anyway yeah i'm just lonely i just wanna catch a break and have like. one (1) free day to just hang out#i like my job but i'm exhausted#also if y'all knew how much i make for the number of hours i put in you'd tell me to riot#it's peanuts#i'm paid very little and i don't really care about money but still#it's all so exhausting and i'm stuck doing it if i wanna just get by#i can't afford to work less#whatever i'm just having a bad night is all
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I currently need to throw my phone into a river because if my mum looks through my phone I'm fucked
#it'll out me as a system and having various mental illnesses#She'll get mad at me for having online friends#she'll probably force me to block them or something and I want to stay friends with them#Without them I have like 2 friends#And only 1 person I can actually be open with#And every single day I cry because I'm scared of losing the only person who knows me for me#I'll be cut off from the entire world and she'll expect me to be happy#I'm happy when I don't have to hide myself but I can't do that here#I'm in a country that hates me and you except me to feel safe going outside?#The only way I'd feel safe is if I changed my name legally and moved to a completely different country#I can't handle living in England and I don't feel safe in this town#I'll just get harassed or I'll see my rapist and have a panic attack#I need mental help so fucking badly but I live in England where my only fucking option is either better help#Or a Councillor who won't take me seriously#The last 2 counsellors I had were shit#The first one talked down to me constantly and there was a language barrier between me and the second so half the time I had no clue-#- what she was saying#My sh is only getting worse#I've finally started bleeding from my sh#And now I'm scared to show my arms around my parents because they'll blame the internet for it#Not the years of bullying or the emotional abuse or the fact I'm still trying to compute the fact I was fucking raped#I blame myself for everything#The internet is how I try to heal#If I get that taken away from me then I'll have nothing#I'll probably try to convert to Christianity just so I have something to believe in#Even though the idea of a god makes me really fucking paranoid#Nothing fucking helps anymore#The only thing I fucking have is my stupid fucking phone#I'm going to kill myself I swear to fuck#Because in this fucking society all I fucking get is oppressed
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is there a way to explain to my "no excuse for laziness" family how executive dysfunction works? how autism and ADHD works? how they're not quirks or funny but often quite painful and distressing? (genuine questions)
i'm going to start crying if i have to talk with mom about my future one more time
(more of the rant in the tags. sorry)
#and yeah for the record we do have autistic/ADHD people#my mom is the kind of person who watched some tiktoks and went 'i think i have ADHD lmao'#and my aunt is the kind of person who thinks there's no such thing as an inability and that 'we're all a little autistic'#🙄 give me a break#i told my mom that i refuse to work fast food or retail ever again#(my exception is a quiet place like a small bookstore. not indigo)#and she worked fast food for over a decade and is like 'well i'd go back if i had to'#that's nice mom but i'm not you by a LONG SHOT#like. sorry but i was in so much mental and physical pain working customer/food service#and you think that you know when you actually don't know and don't even want to try and understand#honestly even if things DONT go according to plan as of yesterday i'm still gonna set a goal for myself#to get out of the house by next summer#because honestly fuck this shit i'm so mad and i grow more and more mad with each passing day#like yeah you respect my sensory difficulties but do you respect me when i can't do much more than lie on the couch on my phone?#you respect the fact that i'm autistic and have ADHD but do you understand what that means for me as the person with those disorders?#and not what people online who know AuDHDers say?#do you understand that there are in fact things i am unable to do and things that i used to be able to do but no longer can?#i'm so fed up and frustrated. legit started looking at apartments and jobs yesterday#(context: aunt is going to try and move to the US to be closer to her partner next year and mom and i can't stay in the house ourselves)#(so mom asked what my plans are and i told her it really depended on the next few months)#(but honestly i don't want to get that job. i want to finish my associate's and leave. i'm done.)#(and i want to move out of this house filled with people who respect me but refuse to try and understand it from my perspective)#vent#actually autistic#actually adhd
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[muttering to myself] unions and strikes are important and i support them even when they impact my own life. unions and strikes are important and i support them even when they impact my own life. unions and strikes are important and i support them even when they impact my own life. unions and strikes are important and i
#this is about how i won't be able to go to school for the next 3 days due to a massive train strike#a few years ago i would have been overjoyed#but post-covid lockdowns and homeschooling?#i just want to go to school and learn new stuff in an actual classroom#instead of trying to teach it to myself from what little the teachers actually upload online#this is also like the 4th strike in the past few months#and not to mention the times i've been late or unable to get to school due to weather conditions impacting public transport!#i was a few minutes late both yesterday and today and it was not my fault#however. even though this annoys me#i still support unions and strikes as a valid way for workers to get what they want/need#it just so happens that this specific strike severely impacts my day-to-day life#i can't just go by car either due to 2 reasons#1. my parents don't have time to drive me to school for an hour; drive back home; and then pick me up again#2. the traffic is going to be a nightmare#so yeah#i'm just tired of having to stay home all the time#personal post
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If my uni shifts to online classes on the last semester of undergrad due to political unrest in my country, I tell you my friends, that I will officially lose it.
#I've already missed out on so much during the pandemic#I can't I simply can't think about another online semester#During the pandemic staying in my room all day didn't feel like the worst thing that could happen#but I realized later how much it actually took from me#Not to be a whining bitch in the morning but I cannot take it anymore
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I can't believe we all thought that despite knowing how things go, Rubiales was going to step down because the pressure was mounting and he not only didn't, but he and all those sick men ended up doubling down and sinking to new lows. It's been one thing after another today. And I'm judging a lot of the men and clubs who replied and haven't yet though there have been some pleasant surprises. Everyone be more like Borja Iglesias and the Real Betis gang. Everyone be more like Hector Bellerín. The Spanish men's team needs to all protest and walk off too, but lolllllllllllll we don't trust men in this house and especially this summer? This summer has been the summer of men in football showing their hideous true colors.
#crickets about jenni yet you saw a massive flood of men cheering about serial rapist m*ndy....no gary lineker sorry to say that it's not#online vitriol holding men back from saying anything but the fact that they're cowardly and they don't give a shit#i can't believe that espanyol and sevilla two clubs i hate put out better statements that barça and rm#keep in mind barça was jenni's club until last year. keep in mind that they were soooo proud about the wnt wc win#because the squad was mostly made up of barça players like the squad was for the winning men's nt in 2010#the sight of that entire room of people applauding rubiales increasingly getting unhinged#and shouting that he will not resign will stay with me forever. i wanted to red wedding that entire room#it was a perfect example of how this is a structural issue#not that that was ever unclear but wow. and then rubiales went on to try to reward vilda#jenni's statement that showed what was what and all the outpouring of support from everyone#the spanish wnt all stepping down...imagine you have a squad making history and then 5 days later the entire team is gone#imagine embarrassing yourself on a global scale like this#they're literally bringing on 'body language experts' in a sorry and laughable attempt at destroying jenni's credibility#they're threatening the spanish wnt and saying they can't boycott the team in protest. they will force them to play wtf
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