#can you tell that I couldnt choose between making this pose a date thing or a team up thing so I did both | Explore Tumblr Posts and Blogs

words-for-holland · 4 years

Text

Happier (6) | T.H.

Pairing: Tom Holland x Reader

Summary: A deep conversation between Tom & Y/N takes place. Tom offers a solution to Y/N’s problem, but does she take it?! Can Harrison convince her?

A/N: It’s a rather short chapter but a lot of Tom & Y/N action!! I absolutely love reading all your therories and comments! Thank you guys so much for reading & sticking around!

Betrayal

Its a vile word for the people you trusted your life with. Still in a state of shock, Y/N couldnt understand why Katie would have betrayed her like this. To think she was her best friend through thick and thin, always having each other’s back...it all seemed meaningless. Now here she was, packing up and trying to figure out where to go from here. London wasn’t an option and neither was the city with the rent being so high up.

As if her path was written by the stars, Tom had decided to call her the moment she started zipping up her bag. Y/N knew it wasn’t a good idea to answer, but it was almost instinctive in the moment. Truthfully, she needed someone. Someone to tell her it was going to be okay. “Hey, look. I know you probably hate me after the last time we talked on the phone like this, but I just wanted to say Im sorry.” Tom’s voice spoke softly through the phone as he let out a slight chuckle of nervousness.

Y/N smiled slightly as she listened to his voice. It was the most conforting thing she had heard, and could only imagine his voice wrapping around her to make her feel some sort of ease. “Yeah. No it’s um..it’s fine, really.” Y/N responds trying to calm her breathing after sobbing for the past hour.

“Yeah I guess, you were right. Maybe I was just jealous, because..I mean you already knownhow I feel. But you’re your own person so I can totally understand why you’d want to see new people. After all you broke up with me and—” Tom started getting more nervous as he continued to over explain his reasoning, but Y/N didnt seem to pay any attention as she lets out what was bothering her.

“Kate’s been crossing us.” She interrupts.

“Wait what? What do you mean?” Tom asks now more concerned, pushing the phone closer to his ear.

“She leaked information about Natalie staying thats where the rumors came from and she sent those pictures of Matt and I to Natalie’s publicist.” Y/N says as she closes her eyes.

Tom was more confused and in complete shock. Not understanding why Y/N’s most trusted best friend who do this to her. “Y/N...I dont know what to say..I’m sorry.” He replies, feeling defeated that there was nothing he could do, especially since she was so far away from him. Even if Y/N would have rejected his advances, he knew she needed him...now more than ever.

“Don’t be. It’s fine.” Y/N lies as she sits down on the bed, silently crying.

“No, it’s not Y/N. I know you’re hurting and I wish I could be there to do something about it.” Y/N smiles at his words. For every sad and painful moment, there would always be some sort of comfort. Tom was hers. For a moment...just one moment, she forgot about all the terrible things that happened. The betrayal, the rumors, Natalie. The moment felt like it was meant just for Tom and Y/N.

But not all moments last forever. Y/N’s phone went off, alerting her of a notification. In fear, she thought the unknown number was ready to leave another threat for talking to Tom, but it wasn��t. Though it was just a simple Twitter notification that came up, it showed that Tom and Natalie were out again on display for the Public. Casually flirting back and forth, with pictures of their social media interaction with each other. Her heart sank even more..if it was even possible.

He was still with her, even if it was pretend. Y/N thought back to when Natalie first arrived to stay with them, and how she slowly tried to flirt her way and spend time with Tom. She thought about how well they worked and looked good together, and how she left Tom saying “You’d be happier with her.” While it was all under the unknown’s plan to say those exact words, Y/N couldn’t help but feel some sort of truth to it. Certainly, she wasn’t happier with everything thats happened, but for Tom...at least he still had a chance to be happier with Natalie.

“Y/N? You still there?” Tom asked through the phone, when he didn’t hear Y/N say anything for a good while.

She shook her head to stop her thoughts as she replied, “Yeah...still here.”

“Oh okay. Good. I thought you hung up on me.” Tom laughs nervously. “Look, uhh maybe we should focus on what you’re gonna do. So do you have a place to stay?”

Y/N looks around as she sighs in defeat. “No. I’d find an apartment but the rent is so high here in the city especially for those that live alone, and I really dont feel like moving back in with my parents right now.”

Tom listened to her dilemma closely, when he offered without hesitation, “Come back here.”

“Tom, you know thats not an option nor a good idea for us. I told you we needed space, and I certainly don’t want to live under the same roof with a girl your fake dating at the moment.” She says in digust, voiced laced with anger.

“Calm down, Y/N. Im just offering you a solution and I could make sure you don’t see her. It’s a big house after all.”

“It’s not happening.” Y/N says quickly to end the dispute. Y/N stops to think about her other option, one Tom make not very well like. “Maybe I could ask Matt. I know he doesnt live too far from here.”

“Okay, now you’re being delusional. That’s definitely not happening.” Tom scoffs, as he thinks about the sickening idea. “I don’t want you near him.”

“You cant tell me what to do.”Y/N snaps at him. “Just like I’m not telling to stop being near Natalie, let alone enter a PR relationship.”

“Well at least Im being honest and open about it and not hiding it like an immature child.” Tom fires back. Y/N was at a loss with the way he responded to her. While she did keep it secret, deep down she knew it was for his own good..but he would never know. “Im sorry. I didnt mean it. It’s just...I wish you were more honest with me..with everything. It hurts you know.”

“Yeah..” Y/N whispers on the phone, feeling guilty and upset by where they’ve ended up. “I know. I’m sorry too. I want to be honest with you about everything but I cant for good reason.”

“No reason is good enough, if you have to keep secrets from people you love.” Tom says bluntly. “Look Im not gonna make you choose where you want to go from here. It’s your decision and life. Im just saying my door is always open for you...no matter how many times you hurt me.”

“It’s not your obligation Tom. I’ll be fine with whatever happens to me. I have to be, but thank you.” Y/N says as she bids him farewell.

As Y/N grabs her stuff and heads toward the door so do Harrison and Harry. “We booked a hotel for a night, if you want to stay with us.” Harry says as he tried his best to smile for her.

Y/N does in return and nods. “Yeah. Okay let’s go.”

Harry, Harrison, and Y/N made it to Aviary Hotel in silence. No one was sure what they should say to the other, when everything had gone to shit in the past month. Once everyone settled down, Harry decided to go down and grab food the group, while Harrison stayed to watch over Y/N in case she needed anything. “So, you told Tom, Im guessing?” Harrison asked, sitting across the other bed as he watched her intently.

Y/N nodded not saying anything as she brushed her hair avoiding eye contact. She thought for a moment deciding if she should tell him about what really happened in the phone conversation. “He and I fought..kinda I guess. I told him I didnt have a place to stay and he wanted me to stay with you guys, but I said it’s not a good idea and then I mentioned Matt, and everything went downhill from there.”

“Wait why not? Why can’t you stay with us?” Harrison asked.

Y/N gave him a look as if he didn’t know the reason already. His blue eyes shifting from surprise to realization. “Right, I forgot.” They sat in silence for a few seconds before Harrison interjects again. “You know, maybe it wouldn’t be so bad. I know Natalie and the unknown number still poses a threat, not to mention risky, but it’d be unexpected for them.” He offered.

Y/N thinks hard about it, her brows furrowing. “Yeah okay...but how does this that make it any better knowing that Im living with my ex-boyfriend who is also living under the same roof with a girl that he’s fake dating not to mention your childhood friend, and may very well be the other person terrorizing me.”

Harrison looks at her as he rubs his face in embarassment. “Well..when you put it that way.”

“Harrison, you can put it in any other way you want, it’s still going to be a bad idea.” She says.

“Look just think about it, okay. Its a big house, and you can use the attic room upstairs if you dont want to see anyone and have schedules until we can sort all of this out. And if it bothers you that much I even have a friend that lives close by who also needs a roommate herself.”

Y/N looks at Harrison skeptically, as he weighs out her options. “You really out here trying to find a way to make me stay with you guys and leave home huh?”

Harrison smiles as he combs back his dirty blonde hair. “No, Y/N. This here?” He points out arms wide, gesturing to the room to represent New York. “It was your home. Your real home, whether you want to believe it or not, it’s with us back in London. I know everything has been rough between you and Tom, but we’re going to find a way. I promise.”

Y/N sheds a tear, as she hears Harrison speak. He was right. Home just didn’t feel like home anymore. Not without them, but as much as she wanted to say yes, the odds of it being okay were against her...that couldn’t be ignored.

“So what do you say?”

Taglist:

@hollanddolanfangirl @ifilosemyselfagain @hevjadams @averyfosterthoughts @fangirl-with-a-mission @drishtisikarwar @eridanuswave @ifntelyinspirit @trumpettay @astridcommings @parkershoco @racewife2004 @sleepybesson @greatpizzascissorstaco @andievgs

#tom holland imagine #tom holland x reader #peter parker #peter parker imagine #peter parker x reader #tom holland

92 notes · View notes

legolasgoldy · 4 years

Text

𝑪𝑯𝑨𝑹𝑨𝑪𝑻𝑬𝑹 𝑺𝑯𝑬𝑬𝑻.

repost, don’t reblog

BASICS.

full name. Finrod Ingoldo Felagund ( Findaráto Artafinde Ingoldo Arafinwean; Finrod is the Sindarin translation of Findarato that he uses instead once in middle earth)

pronunciation. Fin-rod In-gol-doe Fell-ah-gund

nickname(s). Findo, his Favorite being ‘ Fin ‘ spoken by few very close friends and lovers. other nicknames being things like ‘ wolfy’ said by friends or lovers. Highly depends on person. ( Finda, Findo, Ingo ( which he doesnt really like), Nóm, Nómin, Felagund, Edennil, Atandil )

gender. Cisgendered Male

height. 6′1, also depends on age

age. Verse dependent, teens to 20s sometimes 30s

zodiac. Taurus, April 23rd

spoken languages. English, decently fluent in french and spanish. A little Gaelic when dating his boyfriend Rhys Brennan. ( Obviously in Tolkien aus he speaks Elvish which includes Telerin, Noldorin, Sindarin, etc, Early dwarven tongues like Khuzdul, common/westron, pretty much anything he can learn even the language of the enemy. He however does not know the change in certain languages or new languages that occurs over the ages hes dead. Not until Galadriel, Gimli, and/or one of the hobbits tell him.)

PHYSICAL CHARACTERISTICS.

hair color. Golden blonde

eye color. Emerald green

skin tone. Not pale but fair with a semi neutral and slightly peachy undertone.

body type. Tall and toned. He is muscular but not super buff depending on what you consider to be buff. Body claim pics are in his pages. Hes very soft yet firm, strong, and warm for cuddling.

accent. A mix between american and european english. He was born and raised in Maine until 7 years old then they moved to lower states. His parents have heavy english accents, which he acquired as a small child, and as he grew older it developed into a soft neutral-ish american accent with english attributes. For example, he will say eye-ther instead of ee-ther for Either. Sometimes he’ll also catch himself saying Tom-AH-toes instead of Tom-Aye-toes.

voice. Very kind, gentle, medium deepness of a tone. He doesnt sound excessively deep but not high pitched either, its a very cozy warm mid-way deepness that’ll make you feel safe and soothed. However, it can get a deeper when angry or..during intimate activities.

dominant hand. He is Ambidextrous

posture. somewhere between casual and proper

scars: A few random small scars from childhood, after his mutation kicked in he can no longer get scarring which is fortunate considering the amount of times hes bitten completely through his tongue or lips with his fangs when he first got his mutation. Not to mention times hes been hurt in the future. ( depends on time period, sometimes none at all but others he can have scarring from fighting, any type of misc scar, but not an over abundance of them where you can see.)

tattoos. None, his skin wont hold tattoos after his mutation.

birthmarks. None

most noticeable feature(s). hair, eyes, and fangs. ( Hair, eyes, jewelry.)

CHILDHOOD.

place of birth. Maine, US. ( Tirion in Valinor )

hometown. On the coast of Maine; i havent decided a city/town.

birth weight. 6.9lbs (3.1kg)

birth height. 18.6 lbs (47.2cm)

first words. Mommy or Daddy. ( Amme or Atya)

siblings. Twin brothers Aegnor and Angrod, and little sister Galadriel. ( Twin brothers Ambaráto Aikanáro Arafinwean, Angaráto Arafinwean, and little sister Artanis Nerwen Arafinwean; translated into Sindarin their names are Aegnor and Angrod. Artanis chooses the name Galadriel for herself and does not use her birth names)

parents. Finarfin and Earwen Felagund. ( Arafinwë Ingoldo Finwean and Eärwen Olwean)

parental involvement. Finrod’s parents are both Aquatic Biologists, so he often spent time with them at work as a child. Whether that was near fresh water or salt water, if it was safe for him to go he went. They have always been very close and supportive to each other. ( His parents have always been supportive of him and they have always been very close. They would live in either Tirion or Alqualondë during different seasons so Finrod and his siblings could grow to be apart of both cultures.)

ADULT LIFE.

occupation. Verse and timeline dependent. Generally, Finrod works in a greenhouse & landscaping company. Later on he’ll may get a job as a music teacher. In the rockstar branch of the x-men au he is just that, a Rockstar. ( He is a prince of the Noldor and Teleri. Later he is the King of Nargothrond.)

close friends / family. Yes. Who that is, is very much Thread and verse dependent.

relationship status. In a long term relationship with his boyfriend Rhys Brennan. ( Unofficially married to Makalaurë Kanafinwë Feanorian. Can be verse dependent.)

financial status. His parents had to make a lot of money to support four kids, so it was comfortable enough. However when he moves out he begins making his own money, and he isnt rich by any means but happy with where hes at. ( Timeline dependent, but usually very wealthy.)

driver’s license. Yes, hes a very good driver.

criminal record. None.

MISCELLANEOUS.

character’s theme song. Not really sure, but most likely something along the lines of ‘ I want to know what love is’ by Foreigner ( The song he sang to Sauron)

hobbies to pass time. Singing, playing instruments, Reading, Spending time with his family and friends.

mental illnesses. Not that he knows of ( PTSD, depression.)

physical illnesses. None, as a healing mutant he is unable to get illnesses. ( No illnesses but he does have pain caused by PTSD ranging from light to severe. The pain mostly occurs in his hands and feet, but radiates throughout depending how strong the attack lasts. At times it may only be a very mild ache, and others debilitating paired with mental state. The last being less common and can be accompanied by sleep paralysis and/or night terrors)

left or right-brained. Right-brained

self-confidence level. Depends on time period but normally pretty high? Hes very confident in himself aside from when he started mutating and ran away from home, his confidence was pretty low then. Its usually when hes under personal distress due to someone he cares about being hurt in some way that his confidence dips down. Highly depends on scenario though. ( Pretty high aside from times of extreme distress and depression. e.i. 1. After the first Kin Slaying. 2.Traveling through the helcaraxë he had to force it high because he couldnt lose confidence in a time like that, so it was simultaneously low and high at the same time. 3. After he lost his brothers and many of his family.)

SEX & ROMANCE.

sexual orientation. Demisexual + Bisexual

romantic orientation. Biromantic

preferred emotional role. submissive | dominant | switch

preferred sexual role. submissive | dominant | switch which ever he and his partner prefer hes more than happy with

libido. When single and has no one hes attracted to, virtually non existent. Sure, the need arises every now and then, but the want not so much. When in love its endless if his partner wants it too.

turn on’s. Seeing his partner smile. Especially if its a very wide unadulterated happy smile, even more so if the smile is towards him. Watching his partner walk and/or bend over. He loves being teased, whether its a sultry look, pose, touch, kiss, or words. His partner sitting in his lap. Watching his partner just be beautiful, which can be as simple as them sitting in the sun content or just quietly enjoying themselves in some way. Anything sensual. Getting lost in a happy moment together.

turn off’s. His partner not being in the mood bc he doesnt want to if his partner doesnt, excessively disgusting dirty talk, his partner being upset or hurt, purposeful pain.

love language. Sensuality. Frequent touches, quality time together and doing special things that they consider ‘ their thing’, talking and listening, supporting each others hobbies and dreams, and helping each other with every day domestic activities.

relationship tendencies. Finrod is drawn to unique people even though he doesnt necessarily realize he is at the time. Something will grab his interest and he’ll try to get to know them, it all goes from there. Since he is a creative individual hes just naturally drawn to other creative people whether they use their creativity in the same way or not. The people he has fallen for have all been unique, talented, and inspiring even if they dont know it or downright deny it. They all have a depth to them and they may have a darkness inside them but he loves them, and who they are, darkness and all. He sees so much light and love in his partners. As far as physical type, it doesnt really matter much but hes very taken by pretty hair, eyes, and smiles.

Tagged By: @blind-mutant ty! <3 @

Tagging: @mikhailvalhidris, @driftinglightofthewoods, @truesanguinesoul, @admirable-mairon, @bouncingbeleg, @first-son-of-finwe And anyone i missed or who wants too!! :D

#his x-men au is in basic text and Tolkien in italics #My Finrod Headcanons #Thank you so much for tagging this was really fun!!#Some of these memes get really repetitive but this one is so good!!#I was Tagged.#rp related

7 notes · View notes

ashley-incharge · 4 years

Text

Being Real? | Ashroo

Ashley and Roo discuss plans for the future... [Dated: May 27th]

@littlemister-roo

ASHLEY:

Ashley did not want to see Roo again. Not after the last conversation they'd had. She had learned to process through it to some degree (she was having a boy, she knew she was having a boy), but it was still new. She had actually bought herself parenting books, books on baby boys and what they might need. Ashley was scared. She didn't want Roo to be right about her.

She made her way over to the park where they'd been meeting for these pictures, a hand resting protectively over her ever growing belly. It was starting to be at a point where she couldn't help but trace over the shape of it. It was a strange wonder, even when she felt like she was completely out of her element. As she wandered into the park, she caught sight of Roo, forcing herself to take a deep breath before she called out. "Hope you're ready to get a good shot of this."

Roo:

Look, Roo was not a fan of being around Ashley any more than absolutely necessary, but the truth was—he felt bad about their last conversation. Sort of. Kind of. Like, not for pointing out that it sounded like she was applying her crappy anti-boy narrative to their kid. He couldn't just sit back and let her go on like that, not if it was an attitude that could carry on into the baby's life.

Anyways, the point was, he felt bad for yelling at her. So when she'd texted him about the weekly photoshoot, he agreed to meet. He fidgeted as he waited for her to arrive, wondering what he might say. Sorry usually worked, but thought apologies might be seen as a sign of weakness with the Ashleys.

When she approached, he pasted on his usual smile, though it was a bit awkard and forced. "I'm a professional," he said, puffing out his chest with mock confidence. "I'm always ready."

Ashley:

Ashley couldn't help but snort. "You're a child, but sure." She could accept the help and get some pictures taken. "Make sure you get it properly. I feel like this week it's especially..." Well she didn't even know how to put it. While she knew every week she was gaining weight and the baby was growing, this week it felt like more of a jump. It felt sharper than it had before.

"Well whatever. Let's get this over with, I'm really hungry."

Roo:

Roo rolled his eyes. She was barely a year older than him, so it was kind of silly for her to insult him with a term that applied just as much to herself.

He looked her over, smiling a bit. The baby was definitely making himself known, it was kind of incredible, really. To know that his son was growing and seeming so healthy and strong. Not only that, but he had to admit, begrudgingly of course, that Ashley was...well? Glowing. Sort of. In a weird way. But he wasn't going to tell her that! She'd either bite his head of or let it go to her head, he honestly wasn't sure which was worse.

"Alright, lets do this," he replied with a nod, looking around and gesturing to an open shady spot. "How about over here? By this tree?"

Ashley:

Ashley hummed. "The tree will work I guess." She didn't care too much as long as it looked good. So far the pictures all turned out pretty good. She knew because she'd made sure to check them before she started putting them in the baby album she was putting together. And Ashley was definitely making an album.

"Do you feel like it's really starting to happen now?" She asked after an awkward pause, turning so he could get her side profile properly. "I just...it might just be me. And the feeling that I've eaten like a pig lately."

Roo:

They'd been doing this for a few weeks now and Roo was starting to get the hang of this photography thing. To him, it was an art and he wanted it to be good! Plus, ya know, it was for their son. And if he could get a head start at being a good dad, well, that was good, right?

"Hmm?" he hummed, gesturing for her to move her hand over her belly a bit and to turn into the light just a hair— "Oh, well, yeah? I mean, every time I see you, baby boy there seems to be getting bigger by the minute." He sighed, choosing to ignore the eating like a pig comment—he couldnt' think of anything to say that wouldn't either sound like brown nosing or get him killed. "But yeah, between that and us meeting up every week, its definitely feeling less like a crazy dream and more like 'oh crap this is really happening'."

He paused, wondering if he should just leave it at that. "But—how are you feeling? About it feeling more real, I mean?"

Ashley:

Ashley followed his instructions like a pro. What? She'd briefly considered modeling as a career path too. She'd done a few photoshoots with her girls. She knew how to pose when she wanted. "It does feel like he's getting bigger. I just...I think I can see it but I feel like it might be easier to see from an outside perspective." At least for now.

She knew the time was coming where she'd end up ballooning out. She hadn't reached that point yet. At least she didn't think so. "Oh...um. Well. I guess it hits me more that there's an actual person growing inside me you know?" Ashley laughed, though it was a sharp little thing. "I don't actually want to be a shitty mom. I think about what my mother must have been like when she was pregnant but I don't know...I can't picture her..." she paused, shaking her head at herself.

Why was she sharing this? What would that add to say that she couldn't picture her mother happy while she was pregnant with Ashley or her siblings. "Sorry. Does your mom talk to you about it?"

Roo:

Roo blinked, lowing the cell phone and half wondering if he was dreaming. Ashley was—being real? And honest? With him? It was surreal to say the least.

He regarded her a moment, his gaze softening just a bit. He'd always known there was more to Ashley than the mean bitch she presented to the word. He'd even suspected that even the way she was with her friends was and act, sort of. Like he knew she loved her friends but still had a reputation to maintain. But this person underneath all that who was hurt by her crappy parents—he saw her.

Clearing his throat and trying to shove the sudden rush overly affectionate feelings away, he replied, "Well, yeah. She does. But ya know, only like recently. I never thought to ask, you know? Until all this happened," he gestured between them, "I was just a dumb kid who took everything she had done for granted."

He paused, glancing away as he worried at his lip a moment before meeting her eye and saying quietly, "For what its worth—I don't think you'll be a shitty mom. I think you care too much to be that."

Ashley:

Ashley couldn't help but snort, though she also didn't blame him for that. Ashley had never asked her mother about that sort of thing either. Then again, even if she had the questions, the woman had never been around to answer them. She didn't have the same space to do that that Roo did.

"Yeah I get it. That's what kids do in general. Leech off the financial and emotional support of their parents." Her lips curled up into a slight smile, though it faded just as quickly at Roo's words. Ashley wasn't sure she believed him. He was the one who said she was fucked up and that she wouldn't love her son enough.

She glanced down at her stomach, a hand tracing over it as she'd been starting to do lately every time she was uneasy. It helped soothe her a little. "You sure about that? You were pretty convinced I was the world's most fucked up mom last week."

Roo:

Oof. Yeah. It was true. Roo had been pretty harsh after the appointment last week. He'd allowed himself to get upset and well, as with any involving opposing Ashley's opinion on anything, had become a chaotic mess, fast.

"Yeah, I'm sure," he replied carefully, crossing his arms. "I—well, to be fair, I was really only trying to point out how hurtful what you were saying might be to our kid if he could hear you in that moment. But I don't think that one mistake defines you. If you say you want to be a good mom, I, well? I believe you."

He sighed, looking away and running an awkward hand through his hair. "I'm sorry, by the way. I should have given you space to think instead of—whatever that was." He met her gaze again, adding with a small smile, "Its obvious that you care, even if we don't always see eye to eye."

Ashley:

Ashley narrowed her eyes. So he thought she had made a mistake for reacting? Seriously? God Ashley hated everyone who was overly self righteous and thought they knew what the right thing was all the time. That drove her crazy. It annoyed her that he'd call her response a mistake rather than a perfectly reasonable reaction to disappointment. At least in her mind.

"Well luckily our kid can't hear that, because our kid is still developing all of its stuff. So that's a very ridiculous point to make." Ashley would never say something like that to their baby when he was born. But she was allowed to be disappointed. She didn't like that Roo made her out to be horrible for feeling that way.

She took a breath and let it out again, letting out a bit of a sigh. "You're forgiven I guess. Just acknowledge that I'm allowed to be disappointed. I might have overreacted a little, but it did take some processing." Ashley glanced down at her stomach, worrying at her lip a little. "This baby is going to need us to have our shit together. I'm not feeling very optimistic right now." May 31, 2020

Roo:

Roo pursed his lips but ignored the first comment. She was missing the point. Because, of course she was missing the point. Just don't call our kid stupid, idiotic and untrustworthy when he is here! he wanted to snap. But it would probably just cause another fight and that would ruin whatever understanding they were having right now.

"Thanks, and of course you're allowed to feel disappointed. I get that, believe it or not," Roo said quietly, huffing out a breath. "And I agree—its hard to feel like I have my shit together when I don't even have my history homework together. Though I suppose," he grinned crookedly, "it might help if we could somehow find a way to go five minutes without insulting or provoking each other before baby boy arrives."

Ashley:

Ashley wasn't sure that he did get it. But she'd let it slide for now. If only because he wasn't going overboard with his stupid morality stuff again. Making her feel like she was horrible for having feelings. Ashley refused to allow that any further.

"Yeah maybe," Ashley agreed reluctantly. "I can't help some of my mood swings though. You know that's part of the package." Not that some of what she said was hormone related but still! It was part of it. "But we do need more of a plan. We have half of this to go really and we haven't figured any of it out yet."

Roo:

Roo really didn't think that mood swings and name calling were a package deal, but whatever. This was Ashley and she was the singularly most stubborn person he'd ever met. Nothing he said would make her see his perspective if she didn't want to.

"Well, first I guess getting you settled in to your own place will be step one. You know so we can start collecting the baby's things and making a place for him," he said reasonably, thinking more out loud than anything. "And have you thought about us signing up for the childbirth class at the hospital? My mom was telling me about it and apparently couples can go and get a tour of the baby department and learn what to expect and stuff."

Ashley:

Roo was absolutely right about that. Ashley desperately needed her own place. There was no way she could subject Ashleigh Q. to a newborn baby in her place. Not to mention Ashley A....well she needed her own space for the kid. For herself too. She didn't like living off the charity of others. "I know. I'm waiting on my trust fund. Just another week or so and I'll have what I need."

That would be step one. It would allow them to prepare and make a nursery and all. "Are you going to prep a nursery in your house? I mean I hope so. I can't have the baby all the time." Or at least she was pretty sure. She'd go mad if she didn't have some relief here and there. The hospital stuff though? That was a little intimidating. Childbirth was a terrifying concept that she'd largely been ignoring. Probably not smart on her part.

"Right...um...we should probably do that soon. How soon do we have to sign up for that though...realistically speaking?"

Roo:

Roo did, indeed, plan to set up a nursery at his house. He'd been talking about it with his mom and they had agreed to use the small extra room they had. They weren't sure how often the baby would be with them but he knew his kid would need some kind of space.

"Yeah, we're setting up a nursery," Roo replied. "We're probably going to go check out the children's consignment shops in NTO next month. Um—" he paused, running a hand through his hair. "You, er, could come too. If you want?" He didn't know why he was inviting Ashley to go shopping with him, just—he figured she would need to start thinking about buying baby stuff too.

"And as for the classes, the birth class probably isn't for another month or two. My mom said around six months was a good idea. But the newborn care class—we could probably sign up for that one sooner rather than later." He shrugged. "Never too soon to learn how to change a diaper, I guess."

Ashley:

Ashley hummed. "I think that's a good idea. I..." she rubbed the back of her neck. "I want to be sure we agree on what's safe for baby." She didn't mean it as an offense there really, but they both probably had ideas on what they thought would be appropriate. It would be better if they discussed it and picked stuff out that would be relatively similar in both nurseries.

She would have to make a note of that. The childbirth stuff worried her a lot more than the other stuff. Ashley was sure she'd figure out how to be a good mom. Not to mention.... "I know how to change a diaper," Ashley remarked coolly. "I did it with my siblings." And maybe that was a lie, but she'd felt like she'd basically raised them. Diapers had to be simple enough. "Admittedly it's been a while but It think...hmm...I should probably be able to do it better now."

Roo:

Roo raised an eyebrow, but again, let the comment slide. He planned to completely defer to his mother's advice on what to pick out for the baby. Honestly it would be stupid not to seeing as she had done all of this before. But, whatever. If being in charge of which crib and stroller he kept at his house made her feel better about all of this, he guessed he could deal with that.

"That was just an example," he snorted, rolling his eyes. "There's a lot more to newborn care than diapers you know." His mom had told him about swaddling and feeding and colic and so many things that made his head spin just thinking about them.

Though..." he raised an eyebrow and laughed. "Your siblings aren't that much younger than you are. Are you telling me that you were a diaper changing expert back in kindergarten? Somehow dealing with poop and spit up doesn't seem like your thing, even back then."

Ashley:

Ashley sighed. "Of course there's more to it than that. I assume there's how to feed them and so on and so forth." She was a little worried about that. She'd read about how babies could have a better immune system if they were breastfed for a while...but Ashley also wasn't sure she liked the idea of the baby hanging off her boob. Maybe she was being ridiculous about that.

She made a face at Roo, shrugging her shoulders. "Well maybe not that exactly...but the nanny could only do so much with the three of us. I looked after them. Alright? So I'm not completely clueless. That's all I'm saying."

Roo:

Roo laughed when she made a face at him. "Eh, either way, a class is probably a good idea, even if its just a refresher course for you. And it would probably be less awkward if we did it together." He shrugged.

His mom had done that stuff alone at their age, but she'd had no choice. They have a choice and, who knew? Maybe going through those slightly embarrassing classes together would be good for their relationship.

"And I know you're not clueless. But it wouldn't hurt you to admit that you don't know everything." He crossed his arms and raised an eyebrow. "I know it's hard to beleive, but I'm not your enemy here. And I would never laugh at you for not knowing something, particularly about this baby stuff."

Ashley:

Ashley couldn't help but sigh. Okay. Maybe Roo had a point. Or several points. At the least they were coming to reasonable conclusions. They'd have to work together to some degree. Ashley didn't want to be in on this on her own.

"Alright fine. I will admit I don't know everything. As annoying as it is to say that. And I definitely don't know enough about boys. So you win on that front too." Ashley ran a hand through her hair. "So we sign up for the classes then, and do the shopping. I'll let you know when I have a place and uh...is there anything else?"

Roo:

Roo grinned. "I think that's a great start. I'll even add that I know almost nothing about little kids, let alone babies. In case it wasn't already obvious." Honestly it was the farthest they'd managed to come since all of this had started and this sort of alliance, uneasy though it was, between them gave him hope that maybe, just maybe all of this was going to be ok.

"I'm sure more stuff will come along that we'll need to talk about, but for now the only thing left to decide is if you are ok with these pictures and if I'm allowed to take a selfie with you this week?" He put on his most hopeful smile, complete with puppy dog eyes. He was sure she'd say he was ridiculous, but he didn't think he was doing his job if he didn't try to make her laugh once in awhile.

Ashley:

Ashley couldn't help but snort. "That does level the playing field a little bit." And it made her feel a little bit better somehow. They were both completely clueless. And in a way they were in this together. Did that bother her at times? Definitely, but it was nice in this moment where the reality came in and threatened to overwhelm the peaceful ignorance she'd let herself sit in.

"You know...I'm willing to bet the pictures are fine." He'd been doing pretty well so far at least. Ashley considered him for a long minute and then sighed, reaching out for her own phone and moving closer to him, draping an arm around his shoulders. "Fine, but this is a one time thing okay? And don't smile at me like that. It's unnerving."

Roo:

Roo smiled at his small victory. Moments like this reminded him why he'd liked her so much. It was actually kind of confusing, but he refused to let the confusion in and just reveled in the nice moment together.

He let her pull him in and tried not to grin too widely as he slipped his arm around her waist and tried to smile as if they liked each other. It was for their son, after all.

He couldn't help but think about how his smile made her uncomfortable? Well, that was interesting. He didn't know why it surprised him, but it did. He tucked that information away for later. "I make no promises," he laughed, looking into the tiny camera lens as she snapped the picture. "The smile is kind of a package deal. But I'll do my best."

Ashley:

Ashley sighed, forcing a smile of her own to make the picture look nice. Or at least nice enough. She couldn't promise pure goodness for their kid, even if they did take a selfie. She and Roo weren't in love. They weren't a couple and she wasn't going to pretend they were content with each other just to make their photo album nicer. But she took the picture and quickly pocketed her phone.

"A package deal. Oh please. You always do that when you're all...." she vaguely gestured with her hand. "Charmer. It's ridiculous." NEW

Roo:

Roo smirked and stepped away. He was not Ashley's biggest fan, not not really. Not anymore. But times like this, he could almost imagine being something more. What that might be? He had no idea. He couldn't imagine ever really being in love—they were far too different in ways that rubbed both of them the wrong way for that. But a family? Of sorts? Maybe.

There was hope anyways.

"Charmer, huh? I'll take that as a compliment." He laughed and glanced at his watch. "Looks like my lunch break is almost up, I should probably head back to the Barn. Text me when you want to meet for next week's pics." He waved. "See ya around, Princess."

#p: being real #r: ashroo #littlemister-roo

0 notes

viralhottopics · 7 years

Text

Everything You Need To Know About Choosing The Right Guy

The following is excerpted from the book Everything You Need To Know If You Want Love That Lasts.

Women cannot complain about men anymore until they start getting better taste in them. ~ Bill Maher

All the relationship advice in the world wont make any difference if youre choosing the wrong guy. This is the step that often gets missed or overlooked. Women hammer away, trying to pound the proverbial square peg into a round hole, then wonder what theyre doing wrong, why they cant seem to make it fit, why they cant get the love they want. You cant turn a losing stock into a winning stock. You cant force someone to change and to want what you want. You cant convince someone to feel a certain way about you.

I spent way too long chasing after guys who wouldnt or couldnt give me what I wanted, and then I wondered what was wrong with me when it didnt get me lasting love! The problem was simple: I was choosing the wrong men. It sounds straightforward enough, but its a very tricky thing. We fall for these guys because it feels so right, because were swept up in the passion, the chemistry, and the intoxicating aura of unavailability; we get sucked into the space that exists when someone is just beyond our reach and it makes us yearn for him. We convince ourselves that this is it, that hes the one and we just need to make him see it.

This is where the problems develop. This is where all the questions and tears and doubt and uncertainties and fears start to consume you. You mistake these feelings for true love because maybe youve never felt this way before, and you think it must be because this guy is different and this relationship is meant to last.

This is just a glimpse into the confusion that ensues when you choose the wrong guy. If youre hung up on a man who cant commit or wont commit or who is mean to you or who is just a mean person in general, a guy with baggage, a guy with serious issues, a guy who you think would be perfect if only he changed such and such, then youre setting yourself up to lose before you even begin, and you are blocking yourself from ever finding the love you want.

Where Healthy Relationships Begin

Before we talk about what to look for in a guy, its important to look at how relationships begin. The start of a relationship can oftentimes color our lenses and sometimes lead us down a bad path and into a toxic relationship.

Here’s a situation that may sound familiar to you (it was certainly a recurring theme for me in my single life!) You meet someone, something clicks, and suddenly it feels like a force outside of you has taken over.

After this encounter you can’tfor the life of youget this guy out of your head. You try to think about other things but nothing works. You ruminate over every detail of your interaction with himwhat he said, what you said, what his body language said. You think about the things you wish you had said.

You check your phone constantly to see if he called or texted. If he does, your stomach drops, your heart races, you want to leap off your seat and shout for joy. And then of course you need to figure out the exact right thing to say back to him, the perfect quip to show him that you’re perfect for each other.

The high continues as you venture into a relationship, and it becomes even more intense. You never quite know where you stand with him. The uncertainty keeps you on your toes, constantly on alert for something that looks like a bad sign or an ominous foreshadowing. This emotional rollercoaster is as thrilling as it is exhausting. You’re hooked. The worst possible thing that could happen is him leaving. It’s a fear you can’t quite shake no matter how promising the situation looks, a fear that drives everything you say and do.

Now another scenario.

You meet a guy, you think he’s nice and all, you have a good conversation, and he gets your number. While you’re pleased, you don’t go into a tizzy over it. You may check his Facebook profile, but only for a few minutes. You are happy to hear from him if he calls or texts, but you don’t notice the hours that pass in between your interactions. You go out a few times, not expecting much, but soon enough your interest and attraction begin to grow. Things feel calm, there’s no drama, no heart palpitations and it feels really nice.

Which relationship do you think has a stronger chance of survival?

Instinctively, you would say the second one. In real life, you would fall for the first. That’s because the first scenario illustrates everything we’ve ever been told about love.

In movies and romance novels, love is this grand, all-consuming force that takes you over in the most dramatic of ways. There are huge obstacles to overcome, but it’s OK because love conquers all! I mean, would any of us have cared for “The Notebook” if Ali and Noah were of the same social status, went on a few lukewarm dates, then got to know each other and developed a deepening connection over time? Don’t think so.

Unhealthy Relationships Start With a Pull

Relationships that start from a place of pure, unadulterated passion can seldom survive unless they have some substance and depth of connection to stand on. Explosive chemistry isnt what creates a lasting, healthy relationship. It can lead to great sex and feelings of euphoria, and you may come to understand why they say love is a drug, but no matter how intense and all consuming, that sort of thing is seldom sustainable long term.

When you feel a strong and sudden pull towards someone else, the kind that causes you to turn him from mere mortal to deity-like being, something sinister is usually at play. OK, maybe not sinister, but something that isnt exactly what you would term romantic. There are a few good reasons why we might become inexplicably drawn to someone who isnt good for us.

Imago Theory

This theory, developed by clinical pastoral counselor Harville Hendrix, Ph.D., posits that the pull we feel towards another person is guided by our unconscious desire to rectify some issue from our past. Imago is Latin for image, and the theory essentially states that we unconsciously seek partners who reflect the image of our primary caregivers so that we can try to heal lingering wounds inflicted by them by working through issues with someone in their image. These relationships present the opportunity to heal ourselves and become whole again, but they also pose the risk of continuing to pour salt into open wounds.

How it pans out is something like this: if your parents always made you feel like you weren’t good enough, you may seek out guys who make you feel like youre not good enough, then try to win them over in an attempt to rectify those painful feelings from your past.

If your father was very critical, you may find yourself drawn to a man who is very critical, trying to win his love and approval in order to heal from the hurt of your fathers rejection. These decisions aren’t conscious, they happen very deep beneath the surface in areas we can’t easily access. When we meet someone, we immediately sense everything about him, especially the way he makes us feel (again, this happens unconsciously).

On a conscious level, you may assess the things he says, but on an unconscious level, you’re looking at his body language, his tone, the way he phrases things, how much eye contact he makes, his whole demeanor. If your unconscious finds something familiar in that person, something that reminds you of an unresolved hurt from the past, it will light up and push you towards that person.

You may also unconsciously seek out partners who have some quality that is underdeveloped in you. For example, if you’re a Type A workaholic and always wished you could ease up, you may be drawn to a laid-back partner who isn’t so driven.

Maybe this sounds a little too New Agey to you, or maybe it doesnt describe your situation at all, but its a powerful concept and it has gained a

lot of praise and recognition in the field of psychology so its worth considering. I know Ive seen some of this at play in my own dating life.

Infatuation

Being infatuated sounds like a grand, romantic thing, but it can actually be quite dangerous. The problem with infatuation is it isnt based on anything real. Infatuation causes you to fall in love with an image rather than an actual person. It causes you to put someone on a pedestal and overlook his flaws. Since he’s so “perfect,” you become afraid to be yourselfI mean, how could your true self ever compete with perfection? You don’t want to say the wrong thing and scare him off, so you aren’t genuine in your interactions. You rely on his approval so desperately that you also become a bit needy. You may not act needy, but it’s something that lurks beneath the surface and he will pick up on it … men always do. You lose your sense of worth because it becomes so wrapped up in how he feels about you.

Healthy Relationships Build Slowly

Healthy relationships usually begin with mutual interest and attraction that grows over time. This is the complete opposite of unhealthy relationships, which usually start out with a grand light show that quickly simmers into ash. If you can internalize this, it will change the way you date forever.

The most important trait to develop is objectivity. No one really talks about that because its not so sexy, but if you want to find lasting love and prevent yourself from getting hurt, youll need to learn how to use your head a little more than your heart, at least in the beginning. Your heart can lead you into all kinds of bad places. Your heart is the one that tells you its a great idea to go for the bad boy whos just so dreamy, even when hes out on parole and struggling with addictions, or has told you he wont be in a committed relationship, ever. Your heart convinces you that the heart wants what the heart wants and who are you to deny your heart? Your heart doesnt operate according to reason or rational. It makes you do things that you later look back on and wonder, what was I thinking? But you werent thinking, thats not what the heart does. OK, I know Im being mean to the heart. It does have its benefits, but that comes later. In the beginning of a relationship, its best to remain as objective as possible and try to keep your emotions mostly contained.

The best way to do this is to try to go slowly. Ease into the relationship instead of diving in head first. This will create an environment for you to allow your level of interest and attraction to grow steadily over time, rather than flooding you all at once in a big emotional tsunami.

If you spend all your time with him, you risk overlooking critical information about who he really is and if the relationship is built to last. Just because two people feel strongly for each other it doesn’t always mean they can be together.

It is imperative to have a foundation of compatibility, shared goals and interests, and common values. Some things simply can’t be negotiated. Before you emotionally invest, it is wise to determine if you are fundamentally compatible. And the best way to do this is to go slowly. I dont necessarily mean physically, I mean emotionally.

When you first meet someone, you want to spend every minute of every day with him. You talk for hours and hours on the phone, text all day, you can’t get enough. The obvious reason this is problematic is because you may end up relying too heavily on the relationship for your happiness, but also, you don’t get a break from the emotional excitement and stimulation of it all. Then, if you realize this guy may not be right for you, you’ll be in too deep to get yourself out of the situation. You’ll instead rely on some clich like “love conquers all” to justify staying with him.

I am not saying to stay away from guys you feel a strong immediate attraction to and only date guys you’re only “meh” about. I think you should date both kinds of guythe infatuation guy could turn out to be a loser and the “meh” guy could turn out to be the love of your life. (I’ve seen it happen countless times!)

Either way you have to date smart. This will come more naturally with “meh” than it will with the object of your infatuation.

If you just met or just started seeing someone, I strongly advise that you try to limit how much time you spend with him early on. Try to not go on more than two dates a week or engage in marathon texting sessions that go all day. When you do this, you never get a break from the emotional high and you dont get a chance to come back down and recalibrate.

So many girls make the mistake of getting caught up in how the guy feels about them rather than focusing on how they feel about him.

You can avoid falling into this trap by doing regular reality checks. Make sure you see him and the situation clearly. The best way to do this is to make sure you can recognize his flaws. The way you know you’re infatuated is if you see no flaws. has flaws.

Why It Matters

When you get in over your head, you may convince yourself that something like him wanting to live only in the country and you wanting to live only in the city is not such a big deal. Someone who maintains a more objective perspective would acknowledge that she would be miserable living in the country, and since this guy wouldn’t choose to live anywhere else, she would get out of the situation.

I’ve seen (and personally experienced) many situations where a couple breaks up after a long period of time because of some issue that was apparent right from the beginningtheyre different religions, want to live in different states, one person doesn’t want kids. In every one of these situations, the couple believed that things would magically just work out. Imagine how much time and effort they would have saved and heartbreak they would have avoided had they been dating with their heads instead of their hearts from the beginning.

Qualities That Make Him a Keeper

A lot of women write to me begging to understand why their relationships always fail why guys treat them badlywhy they always get hurt … why they can’t get a guy to commit. The common thread in most of these cases is that these women are choosing men who clearly are not husbandor even relationshipmaterial and hoping that by some chance the men will suddenly transform into the knights in shining armor they want. This type of situation doesn’t exist anywhere aside from cheesy romantic comedies. If you choose to pursue a relationship with a guy who clearly isn’t relationship material, then you’re setting yourself up to fail before you even begin.

Trust me, I know all too well how enticing those damage cases can be. Sure, he has emotional issues, he’s jaded, he’s struggling at work, he has no direction, he still acts like a frat boy even though his acting-like-a-drunk-idiot-and-getting-away-with-it days expired years ago, but there’s a really great guy underneath all that and as soon as we deal with all this other stuff, then we’ll have an amazing relationship. I’m sorry, but no.

The problem with these damage cases is that they often have a lot of the qualities we want, but not the ones we actually need. There is a big difference between wants and needs when it comes to relationships, but it’s not always easy to make the distinction. You might want a guy who is tall and strapping and charismatic and a CEO of a major company, but a guy with those credentials might have a host of other qualities that arent good for you and dont fulfill your fundamental emotional needs. My husband is the opposite of the “ideal man” I had envisioned for myself, but even though he doesn’t have certain qualities I used to consider requirements, he is exactly what I need. That was clear to me and everyone around me very early into our relationship.

When I hit that stage in life where I realized I was done dating for the sake of dating and wanted to settle down and find “the one,” I realized that the kinds of guys I liked to date weren’t necessarily husband material, and I had to really examine my list of wants and needs and figure out the differences between the two. Doing so made all the difference. Suddenly the damage cases who were once oh so appealing did nothing for me.

Whether you’re single, dating, or in a serious relationship, these are the most essential qualities you need to look for in a man, the ones that tell you beyond a shadow of a doubt that he’s the one and this is it.

He loves your good qualities and accepts and embraces the bad without making you feel guilty for having flaws. You don’t need to hide your true self from him and put on a front in order to be what you think he wants. You can share your true self and be vulnerable and feel safe doing so, knowing that if anything it will make him feel even closer to you.

He is there for you when you need him, even if it’s inconvenient for him. A partnership will sometimes require sacrifice and compromise. Life is unpredictable and unexpected. You can’t predict what will happen and nothing can possibly go as planned 100% of the time. A guy who is husband material will be there for you when you need him. He will be in it with you; he will be your partner in whatever happens and will weather the storm with you, even though he might prefer to stay in the sunshine.

He considers you when making decisions, both big and small. A relationship is a partnership, not a dictatorship. Factoring you in shows that he respects you and that he wants to create a life with you, not simply envelope you in his world. Our worlds can be comfortable when we dont have to compromise, so it’s not always easy taking someone else into account and factoring in their wants and needs and preferences, but that’s what a relationship is.

He is growth oriented. No one is perfect; we all have flaws. And these flaws aren’t black and whiteusually a person’s greatest strength is linked to his greatest weakness. In a relationship, his behavior affects you (and vice versa) and sometimes his less developed traits will have a negative impact on you. A growth-oriented guy will want to work to strengthen his character. A guy who isn’t growth oriented will say its your problem and that this is just the way he is and you need to deal with it.

For example, let’s say you’re dating a guy who can be insensitive at times. Maybe he doesn’t give you emotional support when you’ve had a rough day and instead just gives you matter of fact advice in a direct way. His no-nonsense approach to solving problems might be useful to him in the workplace, but it might be hurtful to you sometimes when he doesn’t empathize with what you’re going through and instead just tells you what to do about it, or gets impatient by the fact that you’re upset over something he doesn’t consider to be that big of a deal.

You want a guy who will accept that his tone can come across as harsh and hurtful to you and who actually tries to work on it, not one who says it’s your problem and you need to deal with it. He probably won’t get it right every time, but if he’s growth oriented he will at least try.

He has similar beliefs and values. This one seems so obvious yet it’s so often overlooked. Love does not in fact conquer all. If you are not fundamentally compatible, you will face major hurdles ahead. If he is going to be your life partner, you have to make sure you are both on the same page when it comes to issues that matter. And if you aren’t on the same page, then make sure he respects where you stand (and vice versa) and that youre both willing to work together to reach a mutually fulfilling understanding about your differences.

Everyone’s values are different. For some, their values will be rooted in religion. Other people value a strong work ethic, while some value a commitment to a healthy lifestyle. It may sound trivial, but I’ve seen very serious, long-term relationships end because one person couldn’t deal with the other’s lack of ambition or motivation.

He views you as his partner. The relationship is something more than each of you individually … together, you and he are a team. And as that team, you are both individually stronger than you could be on your own. He sees you as his equal, as a person of great value, someone he can grow with. Not someone who is there to feed his ego, give him validation, be his emotional crutch, or be there solely to satisfy his needs.

He respects everything about youyour thoughts, ambitions, opinions, the things you say, the company you keep, your job. He doesn’t make you feel bad about your life circumstances and he appreciates the person you are and the choices you have made.

He wants to make you happy. One of a mans most fundamental needs in a relationship is to make his girl happy. It may not always feel like it or look like it, but its true. In order to truly bond with a woman, a man needs to feel like he can make her happy. And when a man truly cares for a woman, he wants to do whatever it takes to make her happy. Love is a selfless thing. If you love people because they make you feel great about yourself, then it isnt real love. When a man shows he genuinely cares about you and your happiness, even if it sometimes comes at the expense of his own happiness, then you know his feelings are for real.

He communicates with you, even about tough issues and even if one of you is upset with the other. With the right guy, you won’t be afraid of bringing up certain things for fear of rocking the boat. You know he respects you and will see what you have to say as valid and important. Every relationship will face its share of obstacles. There will be fights, miscommunications, arguments, and also times when one partner isn’t feeling loved. The only way to emerge from the tough times better and stronger is to work through them together, and this starts with open communication.

He wants the same kind of commitment you want. A guy can have all the qualities on this list, but if he doesn’t want to marry you (or commit in the way you want), or maybe doesn’t want to get married in general, then he is not for you. When a guy is ready to get married and meets a girl he thinks he can spend his life with, he knows pretty early on. That’s not to say hell get engaged right away, but he knows this is it and she knows it too. Maybe he tells her or maybe it’s so obvious he doesn’t even need to. It might be the wrong time, maybe he wants to wait until he’s more established in his career or more financially stable, but he will still convey his level of commitment; she won’t be left hanging and guessing and wondering.

If he still feels like he has wild oats to sow and is drawn to the single, bachelor, party-boy lifestyle, he is not commitment minded and you are setting yourself up for disappointment. If what you want is a serious, lasting commitment, make sure he is on the same page before you become invested. When a guy is ready for a serious commitment, it’s usually pretty obvious. And if it isn’t, then bring it up and discuss it with him. If he’s husband material, he’ll understand. If he isn’t then at least now you know before it’s too late! And yes, I understand that not every woman makes getting married a goal and I respect that. But Im speaking to those who want a lasting commitment, be it marriage or a partnership without a legal piece of paper.

But the Most Important Quality of All Is

He wants to make it work. Hes willing to put in any amount of effort. If there is a problem, he wants to find a way to solve it. He wants to work harder, to be better, to be his best self. The important thing to keep in mind is that people have different ideas about what it means to put effort into a relationship. He might believe that working hard and being good at his job is putting in effort because he wants to provide for you and give you nice things and a comfortable lifestyle. (I use this as an example because it’s a classic point of contention between men and women: she will often view him working too much as him putting no effort into the relationship and being married to his work).

I remember the exact moment I knew my husband was the one. After about a month of everything being perfect (as they usually are in the beginning), we had our first conflict. It was nothing major; we just started experiencing areas where our personalities clashed and seeing how we process things differently. I tend to be more intellectual and straightforward in my thinking, while he’s more emotional and dynamic in his thinking. I would get impatient with this, and my impatience was hurtful to him. The details don’t really matter, what matters is that I remember the way he brought the issue up and how sincere he was about working through things and getting to a place of better understanding.

I have seen countless variations of this kind of scenario: girl is dating a guy, things are going great (again, as they often do in the beginning), but then they hit that inevitable point of conflict. Maybe she acts needy or maybe he gets distant, but whatever happens suddenly things aren’t as seamless as they were the week before. Then he decides he can’t hang anymore and tells her he “doesn’t have time for a relationship” or he can’t give her what she needs. The girl racks her brain trying to figure out what she did wrong, what she could have done differently.

She thinks if she hadn’t been so needy, if she had been a little more chilled out, if she hadnt done this and instead done that. Really, the only way things would have turned out differently is if she had behaved perfectly according to his script, if shed never disagreed or been unhappy with him, if shed been perfectly in alignment with his thoughts and what he wanted in a partner. That sounds reasonable, right? (That’s sarcasm in case it didn’t come across!)

If a guy leaves when things get a little rocky, it means he is lacking in the most important quality you need in a partner, and that is a man who is committed not only to you, but to making it work. It’s easy to be in a relationship when everything is all sunshine and roses. The truth comes out after time goes on, when you let your guard down, when you can be more of yourselves instead of the absolute best version of yourselves. Even the best couples don’t seamlessly fit together. There is always a certain degree of work involved in order to create that deep and meaningful connection, and it has to come from both people.

When a guy is ready to settle down and sees you as a good potential partner, he wants to make it work. He wants to overcome the differences, to get to a place of better understanding. My husband and I are so different. The way we think and feel is different, and the way we communicate is different. In the beginning of our relationship this definitely caused problems, but now, after really committing to working on it, we have hit this amazing place of understanding and are so much more in sync. The differences still exist, but we were able to meet in the middle. Even when things got difficult, I wasn’t any less sure he was the guy for me because of how deeply committed he was to making it work.

A big mistake I see women making is blaming themselves when a relationship falls apart. They torture themselves with could haves and should haves. I should have been less needy, I should have been more agreeable, I could have been more supportive, etc. Yeah, you could have done all that, but it wouldn’t have mattered if he wasn’t committed to making it work.

There will always be differences, there will always be problems, you will not always behave exactly how he wants a partner to behave (same for him).

A relationship isn’t about finding the perfect match, it’s about finding someone you can form a meaningful, lasting partnership with. Notice the word form. It’s an active process; it doesn’t just exist. It’s about working together, being a team, and overcoming the challenges.

Some people have deal-breakers and that’s that. Maybe it’s religion or where to live or lifestyle preferences. But all the other stuffpersonality quirks, your nature, your ways of interacting in social settings, your fundamental traits … either he’s in it or he’s not. And if he’s not, then there is nothing you can do.

Red Flags You Should Never Ignore

Every relationship is different and comes with a unique set of circumstances. However, there are some universal standards that indicate a guy isnt the right one for you, a few red flags that should never be ignored but usually are.

You Don’t Trust Him

Without trust, there is no relationship. Period. In a good, strong, healthy relationship you feel at ease. You feel safe. You feel secure. You do not feel constantly panicked and on edge, always anticipating the proverbial other shoe to drop.

If you don’t believe the things he tells you or are always questioning his motives and his whereabouts, there is something majorly amiss. You can’t spend your life constantly on the lookout; that’s just exhausting.

Sometimes a lack of trust develops because of something substantial. Maybe he cheated, maybe you caught him in a few too many lies. And sometimes it’s something that lingers in the pit of your gut. Even though you can’t quantify the reason, you just don’t feel like you can trust this person. Either way, it’s a big red flag and a major sign that your relationship isn’t going to last.

If he cheated on you or lied to you, then you’ll have to be honest with yourself when you decide if you can truly move past it and if you really, genuinely believe that he’ll never do the same thing again. If you can’t get to that place, then there isn’t much point in sticking it out. You’re just setting yourself up for a life in which you always feel paranoid and insecure. Relationships are supposed to bring out your best, not your worst.

If you can’t quite pinpoint the reason for your trust issues, you should listen to your gut. Our gut instincts can be incredibly powerful. Just make sure you aren’t projecting your own insecurities onto him and aren’t making him pay for the sins of a cheating/lying ex.

There Is No Depth of Connection

Sexual chemistry is great and is definitely important, but that alone can’t sustain a relationship. An amazing sex life is only one piece of the puzzle, yet for a lot of couples it’s the only leg the relationship has to stand on. I know so, so many women who got so engulfed by the intoxicating chemistry they experienced with their partner that they overlooked every sign that clearly showed he wasn’t the one and wasnt even that great of a person.

For a relationship to last, you need to have depth of connection. You need to know your partner intimately, and this goes way beyond his bedroom skills. You need to know who he is, what he wants out of life, and what his hopes, dreams, and fears are. You need to connect to each other in an honest, unguarded way.

Each person is composed of many layers. In our lives, some people see the surface layer, a select few see what lies beneath the exterior, and very few see straight to the core. Your life partner should be in the last group.

Knowing the basics about someone isn’t knowing who they are. If you know the same things about your guy as most of the other people in his life, then you don’t have much depth of connection. Fortunately, this issue is one that can be fixed. Try to make an effort to connect to him in a real way. If he resists, or you still don’t feel like youre connecting in a significant way, then it means he’s probably not that invested in you or the relationship. Or maybe you’re just not the right fit for one another.

Attraction and sexual chemistry are never enough to sustain a relationship. If that’s all you have thats fine, but you might want to move on if you’re serious about finding the one.

Lack of Respect

Respect is the most overlooked element when it comes to making a relationship work, but it’s one of the most essential. If you’re going to have a long-lasting, healthy relationship, you must respect your partner and he must respect you.

Respect is huge for guys. In fact, I’d say it’s the number one thing men want out of their relationship. Just as most women need to feel loved and adored, men need to feel respected and admired. A man needs to feel like the man; he needs to feel respected. If you don’t respect him or the way he lives his life, he will resent you and will not want to be with you long term.

At the same time, you need to be with a partner who respects you. This means he respects you as a person: your beliefs, your aspiration, and especially your boundaries.

Eye rolling has actually been shown by famous relationship researcher John Gottman to be a big predictor of divorce, and it’s no surprise eye rolling is a manifestation of contempt, which is the opposite of respect.

He Brings out Your Worst

As I mentioned earlier, relationships are supposed to bring out your best.

The sad fact is, a lot of women end up shackled to a person who brings out their worst.

Sometimes you might not even recognize the person that your relationship has turned you into. That was definitely the case for me many years back before I knew any better. I made the same mistake countless women make. I got so caught up in my feelings for the guy that I overlooked the fact that I didn’t really like myself all that much when I was around him.

Throughout the course of my yearlong relationship with Eric, I was unrecognizable from my previous confident, happy, positive self. Instead I felt insecure, panicked, anxious, and perpetually on edge, but I couldn’t let go because of my strong feelings for him. Those feelings locked me in a tight grip, and it was only when the relationship inevitably imploded that I was able to see just how toxic the situation truly was.

It wasn’t that he was a bad guy; he was just bad for me. It’s a fact that would have saved me years of heartache had I realized it sooner. While getting myself out of that relationship felt impossible, the end was always inevitable because we brought out the worst in each other.

The point is, a relationship should lift you higher, not drag you down. It should help you reach your potential and become the best version of yourself. Of course relationships can’t be all sunshine and roses all the time. They take patience and work. But this work leads to a positive place, a place of growth and understanding and more love and connection. Bad relationships are ones where the work involved is expending energy on fighting and arguing and trying to win. A relationship wont always feel perfect and pleasant, but overall it will help you grow into a better person, as long as youre with a good guy who is committed to making it work and loves and appreciates you for who you are.

He Doesn’t Take Responsibility

One of the biggest relationship red flags is when someone wont take responsibility for anything and instead blames you, maybe using a justification along the lines of, “Well I wouldn’t yell at you if you weren’t being so annoying.” Rather than admitting when hes wrong, he comes up with excuses and justifications for his behaviors and reasons to blame you.

One of the biggest indicators of psychopaths or sociopaths is not being able to take responsibility; its a fundamental lack of empathy that prevents them from ever being able to see the other persons perspective. However, it doesnt always start out this way. In the beginning hes enraptured by you and everything you do is right. Then suddenly he’s unhappy and he blames you for everything that’s wrong. If you erroneously reason that youre the problem, he may feed this mentality. You don’t inspire him enough, you don’t give him what he needs, you arent supportive enough, youre always negative. It’s always you, never him.

Im not saying every guy who cant take responsibility is a psycho; he could just be immature. But it is something to keep in mind because narcissists are out there and this is one of their key features.

Hes Selfish

I have a friend who was seeing a guy she really liked, and she continued to date him even though he was clearly a bit immature and selfish and not ready to settle down (we joked that he had her sexmotized and thats why she wasnt able to break free of his spell). There were signs of trouble all over the place, but most were little things and thats why they were easy to sweep under the rug.

For example, one night she suggested they go to a vegetarian Indian restaurant she loved, and he got all pissy and said there wasnt a point in going out for Indian food if he couldnt eat meat. Never mind the fact that he always chose the restaurants, that they always did what he wanted, that they always slept at his apartment because thats what he wanted, or the fact that he had told her to pick a place for dinner. It was the one time she got to decide something, and she was overruled because it wasnt what he wanted.

This may seem like a silly example, but it demonstrates the essence of selfishness, one that will continue to pop up when dealing with a selfish person. And in that relationship, it did, over and over until finally she couldnt take it anymore and ended it. (This launched the make-up and break-up cycle for a while, because thats what happens when you linger in a relationship with the wrong guy, but eventually they cut it off for good.)

Selfish people also tend to engage in selfish love. That is, they love you when you make them feel good; when youre behaving how they want you to, theyre the best partners ever. When you go off script, then they withdraw and wont do anything for you in a sort of tit-for-tat retaliation.

Thats not how a relationship works. A relationship isnt there to serve one person. Its a partnership and its about working together, not one person working for the other.

Let Your Gut Be Your Guide

I mentioned the importance of listening to your gut earlier and want to get into it a little deeper because its an essential skill, one that can keep you out of sticky situations. f At the end of the day, you usually already know the answers to your dating questions. The lists I provided of qualities to look for and red flags to watch out for can help you see things more clearly, maybe making it harder to hide from whats right in front of you, but oftentimes you already know. You know when a guy isnt worthy of youwhen youre wasting your time, when youre not being treated the way you would like to be treated or the way you know you deserve to be treatedbut you push this knowledge down because you just dont want to deal with it. You dont want to deal with a breakup, with putting yourself back on the market, with dating more guys, navigating the waters, trying to find a guy who cares about you. You dont want to because its exhausting! It seems somehow easier to stick with whats broken and try to just make it work.

In a good, strong, healthy relationship, you feel loved and secure. You don’t question whether your man is using you and if the things he says are genuine. You just feel at ease. Feeling constantly on edge, waiting anxiously for the other shoe to drop, is usually a sign that something is amiss and your instincts are trying to open your eyes to a reality you don’t want to see.

Your gut is a powerful tool in relationships. It’s something we all possess and it can be fine-tuned to work optimally. The way to get in touch with it is to listen to what it’s telling you. Listen to that small, quiet voice that gently tells you: “You deserve more than this, you don’t need this guy.”

The voice of your ego is loud and overpowering. It tells you “Of course hes the guy for you! So what if he disappears for days at a time, he told you that you were the most amazing women he’s ever met, so I mean, DUH! He loves you.”

Your ego shouts over the noise and convinces you that the outcome you want is reality because it has a lot at stake should this not be the case.

Most people allow their egos to get so entangled in their relationships that when the relationship collapses, their ego comes crashing down with it and then absolute misery ensues.

Our unconscious mind has a whole arsenal of information that our conscious mind doesn’t have easy access to. It has stored up pretty much everything that’s ever happened to us and makes decisions accordingly.

Have you ever met someone and liked him right away even though you barely knew him? Or maybe you meet someone who seems perfectly nice, but you just can’t stand her? This is the unconscious at work. The people we’re drawn to oftentimes remind us of people we’ve had positive encounters with in the past. So too with the people we don’t like right off the bat.

You can pick up on things subconsciously without even realizing it, and it will cause you to have a feeling that you can’t quite pinpoint or explain.

The point is, most of the time you already know the answer. The problem is that you wish it were a different answer so instead of accepting it you whittle away what you know with rationalizations.

Here are a few tips to help you get better acquainted with your gut:

Ask yourself a question and listen for the immediate answer. For example, if you’re debating whether or not to dump your boyfriend, ask yourself: “Should I break up with him?” and listen to what first pops into your head. The real answer will most often come first, and then the excuses and justifications will pile on top.

Make the decision and then listen to your body. If it’s a bad decision you’ll feel an aversion to it, usually in the pit of your stomach.

Check with a friend. It can help to get an outsider’s perspective because sometimes we can mistake wishful thinking for our gut instincts. Talk to a friend you trust for a dose of objectivity.

Practice mindfulness. Most people live their lives bouncing from one thing to the nextwork, errands, happy hour. There isn’t that much time to listen to our own thoughts. Try to stay mindful and conscious throughout the day and check in with yourself to see what you’re thinking and feeling. It also helps to set aside some reflection time. You can use this time to meditate, do yoga, journal, take a walk around the parkanything that will give you the space to check in with yourself.

Remember this: Choice is everything. It will largely determine if a relationship succeeds and lasts or fails and leaves you broken-hearted. The good news is that you have the power to choose the man you let into your life. Choose wisely!

Love doesnt have to be that hard, by Sabrina Alexis is available here.