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wouldntyou-liketoknow · 4 months

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My EgoPats Meeting the Canon EgoPats

I saw @insane4fandoms post their thoughts on how the EgoPats would each react when Ness came along as the new kid in the fandom. So, I guess you could say I got inspired. Here's a list of each official EgoPat and each of my fanmade blorbo's (Caliban, Patty, Penn, Ozzie, and LeviathanPat's) thoughts on them.

(I've made a bunch of incorrect quotes to reflect these ideas! Go here if you'd like to see them!)

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Ness

It'd make a lot of sense for my boys to meet Ness via simply eating at Sparky's. After all, they each need to travel sometimes for their work: Patty's gone on many tours and counting with Delux and the rest of his coworkers at the club, Penn goes on an excavation trip with his team or Illinois at least once a month, Ozzie's learned to cover long distances in short times with all the prison-escapes he's pulled off, Caliban has visited several states numerous times in order to complete a hit-job (whether he's managing it himself or is accompanying Murdock, Azalea or any other members of The Pentas Family). . .

In any case, a roadtrip is fundamentally incomplete without pausing to visit a cozy-looking diner. And it's pretty obvious that my fanegos would all enjoy the fun, uplifting vibes that Ness gives off.

Caliban would find Ness' energy to be refreshing. Since he spends a generous amount of time butchering/preparing his own "food," he knows how to appreciate all the things restaurant workers do. (Plus, I can absolutely see him offering some sly, semi-well-hidden puns in response to the typical jokes Ness likes to make with most customers.) And since the Black Market stuff Caliban is involved with makes such a pretty penny, you just know he leaves some quality tips.

Penn would like Ness' spirit. I know I haven't gone too in-depth with his backstory, but I think waiting tables was one of the many odd-jobs Penn worked while he was still studying for his paleontology/archeology degree. And it's safe to say that he probably didn't enjoy it as much as Ness seems to enjoy his job. So, Penn would respect him for taking such a stressful job in stride. He'd also give excellent tips! He would even if he didn't make a lot of money from his fossil-related projects.

Despite the persona he puts on while dancing, Patty is the type of person who gets nervous whenever he has to order something (I would know, I'm the same way). That being said, he'd really appreciate how kind and cheerful Ness is. The lighthearted banter Ness brings to the table would put Patty at ease. Yep, he'd give some above average tips as well.

Ozzie didn't have very many good experiences with restuaraunts when he first started out. That hasn't exactly changed nowadays, so you better believe that he knows to be grateful when he finds a joint where the owners/staff don't automatically seem judgemental or suspicious of him. Hell, he'd even take a generous amount of money from his personal stash to leave as the tip. (I think I'm just trying to say that my boys know how to treat retail/food workers.)

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The Detective

Because I guess I'm predictable—it'd be impossible for the classic Hannibal Lecter And Will Graham schtick to not fall between Caliban and The Detective. (Of course, Caliban isn't nearly as arrogant as Hannibal, and The Detective most likely wouldn't slip into a corruption arc similar to Will's, but you get the idea.) I can see it now: The Detective putting on a pokerface whenever in Caliban's presence, speaking in a clipped tone, trying to keep an eye on Caliban every minute until they part ways. . .Meanwhile, Caliban would be all-too-happy to try and make The Detective question himself, casually recounting the hit-jobs he's worked on with Murdock, making morbid jokes left, right, and center, occasionally using his experience to offer some surprisingly sound advice for one of The Detective's cases. . .

At first, Ozzie would be very much iffy about interacting with The Detective. Sure, his crimes are merely petty ones (in a relative sense), but he's still mistrusting of anyone who works in law-related fields. Fortunately, my personal headcanon is that The Detective is more of a private consultant who doesn't work with cops unless he absolutely has to, so once Ozzie learns that, he might try to engage with him just a teensy bit. For all the stunts he's pulled, Ozzie has always made a point to never, NEVER hide out at a circus. That'd just be inviting some horror-movie-level shenanigans that he neither needs nor wants to deal with. So, it's safe to say that he'd be pretty sympathetic with The Detective's clown-induced trauma.

Patty would have sort of the same outlook. Considering how exotic work can sometimes be on the grittier side, he's had to talk to a fair amount of authorities. And, as I'm sure you can guess, not all of those authorities were too respectful towards him. But The Detective is nothing like those worse examples, and once Patty saw that, he'd be happy to get to know him. Still somewhat shy, but that's just how Patty is with most people outside of the club.

Penn would be fascinated by all of The Detective's stories (granted, he'd feel awful about the terror The Detective had to go through, but still). Considering he's used to only seeing obscure, somewhat magical/cursed stuff whenever he's working with Illinois, Penn would likely call up the aforementioned adventurer and tell him about what he heard from The Detective. Y'know, to see if Illinois has ever discovered anything similar.

LeviathanPat would mostly see The Detective as just another mortal to toy with. I say mostly, because he could still sense all the supernatural juju clinging to The Detective's mind thanks to his past. And he'd just delight in trying to break that mind into a thousand little pieces. . .good thing The Detective already has experience dealing with crimes against nature, at least. . .

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Mack

Oh damn. Caliban would have So. Much. FUN picking on Mack. Making vague little threats, lurking around corners, fidgeting with his meat cleaver in plain view. . .it'd get to the point where Caliban would just have to flash a sly, sharp-toothed grin in order to send Mack running the other way. That being said, Caliban wouldn't go out of his way to fully harm Mack; remember, while he is insane, he's still logical enough to not want to butcher someone who looks almost exactly like him. But he'd see all his scare tactics as a way to teach Mack some manners. There's always a bigger fish, after all.

I feel like Penn and Mack would have an interesting dynamic. Thank to his career in paleontology, Penn's already seen a generous amount of strange/unique creatures (or, what's left of them, that is). Meanwhile, despite his primary role on the Invincible II, it's very likely that Mack would end up researching or interacting with various alien lifeforms. So, yeah, those two could potentially have some fun comparing notes. Then again, we know Mack's general attitude, and Penn is the type to not have much patience for stuff like that. "Okay, well, this isn't going anywhere. I'll come back if you decide to stop being a prick for a few minutes."

Same goes for Patty's case with Mack. Now, my dear poledancer girlypop is very much empathetic, and he's always trying to be open-minded. Everyone's lives are different, right? Everyone's dealing with all sorts of things, which can obviously influence behavior in various ways. And while it wouldn't take Patty very long to realize how Mack's egotistical mean-streak is likely the result of something deeper (my personal headcanon is that Mack has some serious self-esteem issues and might think that acting the way he does is just another defense mechanism), that doesn't mean he's just gonna let himself be talked down to. (And perhaps Mack could be just a smidge dazzled by Patty, since I think that would be hilarious to see. Plus, I mean, come on. Have you SEEN Patty? If he's not a nice little dazzling boy then I don't know what is.)

Ozzie's opinion also wouldn't be too high. Back when he was still living on the streets, having to dodge cars and pick pockets in order to survive, he'd lost count of all the people who would scoff and look down their noses as they passed him by. Well, Mack reminds Ozzie of those people, so he won't hesitate to call him out (and mock him right back) whenever he's being annoying.

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The Hermit

Caliban and The Hermit would trade recipes. Because of course they would. In fact, Caliban would probably see meeting The Hermit as a weird-yet-lucky coincidence. Another cannibal to interact with, plus not having to worry about extra competition in the underground business? Awesome! And, on a more wholesome note: The Hermit would be all about giving Snare all the pets and treats he deserves. Caliban, meanwhile, would be intrigued by The Hermit's pet bats.

Due to all the fossil-digging stuff, it'd be difficult for Penn to not be an outdoorsman. Therefore, he'd be very impressed by The Hermit's tales of surviving in the wild. He'd be concerned at first, but then would swiftly realize just how much of a tough cookie The Hermit truly is.

Ozzie would be in a similar boat. He's had to camp out in the woods a few times while running away from cops, but he knows he couldn't handle that as long as The Hermit apparently has. So, he'd have some serious respect for the scrungly feral man.

Patty's relationship with The Hermit would be much more on the random side, but still very wholesome. Why? Well, if The Hermit happened to see Patty practicing his dance routines, he'd probably applaud and go, "Wowie! I've climbed a lotta trees, but I don't think I could pull off all those spinnin' tricks!" (Keep in mind that this would be completely innocent. Nothing more.) Patty, of course, would be flattered by the compliment. What's more, he'd find The Hermit's comment about tree-climbing adorable.

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MadPat

Most of my EgoPats would have similar reactions to MadPat: "Nope." "Don't engage." "Avoid eye-contact."

. . .Well, except for Caliban. Because, despite the two of them being killers, Caliban wouldn't be very impressed by Mad. From his perspective, Mad's methods are sloppy (and he's got a point. Seasoned Random Encounters fans have seen how much evidence Mad left in/around the pizzeria). And for another thing, Mad is just kinda irresponsible? Like, yeah, Caliban can see the appeal of arson, but he's met other arsonists who didn't accidentally burn themselves like slices of toast. It would get to a point where Caliban would just be irritated by Mad's antics.

LeviathanPat would also have an. . .odd view of Mad. Primarliy due to how brazen he is. Like, I haven't gone super in-depth with Leviathan's lore, but he definitely had a hand in crafting insanity as a concept. Leviathan breathes surreal dread. He's eaten the odd star or two back in the day (as in, pre-pre B.C.) His shape is almost constantly shifting because just one glance at what he truly looks like would launch enough trauma to make your brain grind itself into a paste! And for a mortal like Mad to just. . .not. Be. Afraid of him? To try and make unhinged smalltalk with him? To be calm and even excited while looking at all the nightmare-fuel that LeviathanPat is literally made out of?! One part of LeviathanPat just might (and that's a colossal might) be impressed by Mad's apparent fortitude. Another part would end up being annoyed by Mad, probably likening him to a mosquito. (Sneaking this in because @insane4fandoms put a particular little gem into a recent doodle page with some of my bois. Thanks so much, friendo).

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WarfPat

Most of my boys would instinctually know to not get too close to Warf. Even Caliban feels the need to walk on eggshells around him. (Sure, he's had to deal with the insanity of others; and like I said before, he has some insanity himself. But Warf is in a completely different ballpark, so. . .yeah.)

The reason I barely mentioned LevianthanPat with any of the previous egos is because he'd see them as a handful of more hopeless little mortals to try his luck with luring closer to the next window he chooses to lurk behind. . .except for WarfPat, that is. Even though he'd deny it, I think LeviathanPat would be ever-so-slightly intrigued by him. That guy's got the mind-breaking stuff that eldritch abominations specialize in, after all. Therefore, the outer monstrosity would be curious; perhaps he'd even settle for just chatting with Warf rather than trying to trick him.

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@sammys-magical-au @b-is-in-the-closet

#matpat #egopats #etn3 the detective #ahwm the hermit #iswm mack #ness the waiter #madpat #warfpat #my fan egos #fanmade egos #caliban #caliban the cannibal #patty/dancepat #pat a. cake #penn/pennsylvania #pennsylvania james #ozzie the inmate #leviathanpat

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elenichr · 1 year

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HOW TO BE A MORE INTERESTING WOMAN: A POLITE GUIDE FOR THE POETESS - Safiya Sinclair, from Cannibal

Call me Mary. Call me Sophie,

Call me what you like.

I’ll answer to any man who looks

at me right.

You may come to my garden

and steal hydrangeas in the night.

I’ll suck your thumb

and play dumb.

I’ll pretend I can make anything

grow. Rosebushes and violets

and bruises for show. I’ll open

my hot mouth for an orchid

to snake out; I’ve been practising

this bee-sting pout. I will titter

and fluster and faint. Write hundreds

of sonnets in your name.

(Each one born fat and sunny.

Then I can claim to have made

something happy.)

Light pools slick in my eyelids–

I am all lashes and lips.

I have learnt how to smile, how to

talk with my hips, how to swallow

my words, how to make myself

small. I won’t make a fuss.

I will coo. I will crawl.

And if you knock right,

this spine will give out–

I will crumble and weed and paw

at your feet. Unbraid and emote,

walk faceless from the brink;

if you spit, I will drink.

I will grow heavy and silent

and sick. I will strip you right down

to the bone. I will take your name.

I will take your home

and wake dark with a song

on which you finally choke;

my black hair furring thick

in the gawk of your throat.

#poetry #poem #Poems #cannibal #caliban #safiya sinclair

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tourandbackstagestories · 2 years

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Reload Festival 2022

18 -20 August 2022, Sulingen, Germany

More Information and tickets at https://www.reload-festival.de/

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vexwerewolf · 1 month

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Do you think putting Atlas parts on the Caliban would be in any way viable, or is it just random weebery?

Oh no, dude, it's super viable. Set up your Atlaban right and it has absurd manoeuvrability.

-- IPS-N CALIBAN @ LL6 -- [ LICENSES ] SSC ATLAS 3, IPS-N CALIBAN 3 [ CORE BONUSES ] Improved Armament, Reinforced Frame [ TALENTS ] Skirmisher 3, Vanguard 3, Combined Arms 2, Duelist 1 [ STATS ] HULL:2 AGI:4 SYS:0 ENGI:2 STRUCTURE:4 HP:20 ARMOR:2 STRESS:4 HEATCAP:7 REPAIR:6 TECH ATK:-2 LIMITED:+1 SPD:5 EVA:12 EDEF:8 SENSE:3 SAVE:14 [ WEAPONS ] Integrated: HHS-075 “Flayer” Shotgun FLEX MOUNT: TERASHIMA BLADE (SUPERMASSIVE MOD) HEAVY MOUNT: HHS-155 CANNIBAL [ SYSTEMS ] JÄGER KUNST I, Personalizations, Rapid Burst Jump Jet System

I call this build "Doomguy Samurai."

With the correct terrain, you can move across half of the battlefield in a single turn and smack someone in the face with your sword, which has innate Knockback regardless of stance due to Supermassive Mod. If you're going to do this, you might as well turn off the safety limiters to make it Knockback 2 and stay in Troll Stance the entire time, since Inaccurate is a binary state and only applies once no matter how many sources a weapon has it from. The Accuracy from Duelist negates the Difficulty anyway.

With Evasion 12, 2 Armor and 20 HP, this mech is pretty tanky. NPCs whose attacks have innate difficulty will struggle to hit this mech, and NPCs with low-damage weapons will struggle to hurt it.

#lancer #lancer rpg #lancerrpg #lancer-rpg #ips-n #ssc #atlas #caliban

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adracat · 11 months

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GWitch: A Tale of Two Calibans

In the Tempest, there is a character called Caliban. If you've seen episode 21 then this will sound familiar to you. We're told Guston and Belmeria need Suletta to pilot this monstrous gundam and it's without a permet filter. A true cannibal. Dire stuff, and not what we want for Suletta.

Yet I'm not entirely sure she will. Though she has some characteristics of Caliban, bound in servitude to Prospero, he's a symbol of impotent wrath beneath a slaver's chains, the injustice of colonialism, and failed revolution.

He loathes Prospero and is routinely tortured by the man's magic. Yet Suletta, even while outcast by her family, never succumbs to anger. Hers is a heart filled with love even as her Miranda (Eri) and master forsake her.

Caliban by contrast is unable to forgive Prospero for his misdeeds and scorned by Miranda's harsh treatment of him after her rejection. You can interpret that his love was true and he did not intend rape, but his affection for both Miranda and Prospero has soured into hatred.

It's a bit ill-fitting to place Suletta in the Caliban machine as a monstrous gundam capable of devouring its pilot. But then if it's not her, who else?

The Tempest describes Caliban as the son of a witch whom Prospero took as his servant. 'Hag-born, not honour'd with a human shape'

Elan 5, like Suletta, is the unnatural progeny of a 'witch', in this case Belmeria. And also subject to the injustices of Peil, his Prospero. He rankles beneath his fetters and wants more than anything to gain freedom. We're told Peil steals orphans to be used as research, the effects of space colonialism. He's the closest to a true Caliban this show has.

And like Suletta. he was rejected by Miranda. Only his was an attempted violation. It's no coincidence as I see it that 5lan aggressively harasses Suletta either. They are specifically invoking the Caliban parallel. And it's the same for his sympathetic moments

5lan wants freedom from his chains, to live freely without sacrificing himself for a corporation's whims. He's sly and angry but not without cause. And there's a certain weight to how he was forced into servitude wearing another man's face. It's like Suletta, but unlike her he does not serve with love. Only discontent.

As with Caliban, who allies himself with Trinculo and Stephano in the hopes of killing Prospero, I see 5lan doing the same. Him using a brutish path to freedom because it's all he knows and throwing it all on using a gundam, even if it means his death, would be fittng. We know he wants to live but in the wake of Norea's demise I wonder if he's concluded death is inevitable so why not take Peil down with him? This is just speculating on my part, but I did find his change in attitude strange. He's weirdly calm, it reminded me of 4lan. And that's not a good thing. Most tellingly, while Caliban rails against his master, he isn't freed; a message none of us want for Suletta.

I may very well be reading into things, as is my habit, but the fact these two are juxtoposed is significant. We do have two unanswered gundams coded with a black name, one male and the other female; Calibarn and Schwarzette.

#g witch #analysis and speculation #suletta mercury #elan 5 #elan ceres #g witch spoilers #gundam witch from mercury

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ips-northstar-official · 1 month

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So, I'm the aptain of Mining Rig Aurora. We were having Pirate issues. (Or is it "Privateers?" Heard it should be.) And our ship is small, so we got the Caliban License since it was advertised for in-door combat. Everything is working great, I honestly love it, pirates are less of a problem. Except for one tiiiiny thing.

You see Pierre, our merc, went to practice re-loading the whole "Cannibal" thing, which... massive I must say. And the dud shells just... went. Now Pierre has lived, he likes heavy armour, the lucky guy, but he's got a bad concussion.

Is there a way to tune down the ejector perhaps? We don't want to accidentally decompress a ship because somebody reloads too close to a window.

Hello captain!

We're sorry to hear Pierre was injured by the Cannibal's shell ejection. This is an intentional feature to increase the damage potential of the shotgun even during what would normally be considered "downtime", so that no matter what you're doing, you can put the hurt on pirates while doing it.

Thankfully, you don't need to worry about the shells decompressing a cabin. The shells are designed to be frangible to impact so that, while they put plenty of hurt on soft targets and even some on mechs, it shouldn't destroy the walls of a ship that separate you from hard vacuum.

We wish you a speedy recovery! Be sure to refer to the included instruction manual for safe reloading practices.

#lancer rpg #lancerrpg #//[UNCLE]: GOD I HATE PIRATES #ALSO DOES PIERRE HAVE BOTH OF HIS EYES BECAUSE THE KIND OF GUY WHO LOOKS DOWN A BARREL LIKE THAT KINDA DESERVES IT LMAO

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ohboyitseisen · 1 year

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0x00000028 - CORRUPT_ACCESS_TOKEN

The Netscape Navigator Caliban is finished!

[PURSUE PREY] the net using your all new [HHS-155 CANNIBAL] toolbar today!

#lancerrpg #lancer #lancer ttrpg #lancer rpg #ips n #ips northstar #ips n caliban #digital kitbashing #photobashing #mecha

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mmmmalo · 9 months

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Currently scratching my head over seeming intersections of Native and Jewish signifiers.

I had initially latched onto trolls horns as a possible antisemitic trope, with the psychic undertones of the horns being leveraged toward 'puppet master'-type narratives. Some Act 1 imagery involving cake seemed to reinforce the impression. But the association of corn/"kernels" with Natives (eg Konyyl Okimaw) sort of overwhelms that angle by its association with candy corn, and the notion of psychic colonization via the corn-horns relates them directly to Psycholonials, which opens by building an oppressive picture of residence upon Nantucket (an Algonquian word), the Summer Colony. Likewise poring over words containing or invoking arc/ark to seek Jewish references seems kind of sad next to the simple association (however cliched) of Natives and archery.

But the one that's really getting me is Caliborn -- the pound of flesh line is a obvious antisemitic reference point by way of reference to the Merchant of Venice ("Eternity Served Cold" was originally "Eternity's Shylock" until reader protests prompted the change), but the matter of cherubs eating raw meat draws that same line into the realm of cannibalism, placing Caliborn closer to Caliban (same etymon as cannibal and Caribbean), the monstrous native islander of Shakespeare's Tempest who resents Prospero's attempts to civilize him. Not really sure what to make of the mingling

#homestuck commentary #antisemitism #native motifs

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trahald-the-burrower · 9 months

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Mentions of Gollum/Sméagol in JRR Tolkien's Letters (Part 1):

(in order of when they were written.) (And also occassionally split up by my own writings ((written in RED)), and important or interesting facts) (I highlighted the Gollum bits, though sometimes the entire passage is worth reading as it may still relate to the character in a subtle way)

(Ariel and Caliban are characters from Shakespeare's play "The Tempest".)

(JRR Tolkien seems to have drawn inspiration from Shakespeare, indeed -- particularly this play. Caliban is alike to Gollum in more ways than just one. He may have been named after the word "cannibal", which Gollum technically is.)

"One of the most prominent suggestions concerns Caliban being an anagram of the Spanish word caníbal (Carib people), the source of cannibal in English."

(He is also disproportionate in shape -- Creature-like.)

(He becomes a servant for Stephano, at a point, and this relationship is also quite similar to the relationship between Sméagol and Frodo, with Trinculo as Sam.)

(Here is a version of the play.)

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(Now we continue with Tolkien's Letters.)

(This is the drawing Horus Engels did of Gollum:)

(Above: Tolkien talking about needing to make changes to THE HOBBIT, specifically Gollum offering to give the Ring away.)

("I do a very pretty Gollum" -- that he does! Here are a couple of his recordings:)

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(Above: "Being stung by a tarantula when a small child." I love that he believed tarantulas stung. That's why Shelob stung?! He thought that was a thing! I love it. It works in his magical world.)

(Below: What he has to say about Sméagollum in the following letter is very important:)

("Dawning love of Frodo was too easily withered by the jealousy of Sam." I took this as meaning "Sméagol couldn't handle being antagonized by jealous-Sam", but I've seen others taking it as meaning "Sméagol was unable to repent because he was jealous of Sam". I didn't get that impression when reading that particular scene in the book, but it's also not entirely out-of-character. Sam definitely antagonizes Sméagol due to his jealousy, it's made clear more than once, but Sméagol, too, is obviously an envious and possessive person -- not just towards the Ring, but towards Frodo. It's much more obvious with Sam, but, Gollum, when at the Forbidden Pool, is upset with Frodo "not nice Master!" because he believes that he "left poor Sméagol" and "went with new friends". He's actually incredibly agitated by this, to the point that he's reluctant to do as Frodo says, despite his being Master. But… that being said, on the Stairs of Cirith Ungol, when Sméagol found the hobbits sleeping together, he didn't express jealousy -- he actually softened and felt love for Frodo. I think if jealousy were the cause, in that moment, that he'd not have softened once finding them sleeping together, that he wouldn't have had a momentary change of heart at all. And Gollum reacting to Sam's accusations, that was more defensive than it was jealous. Sam, on the other hand, has always antagonized Sméagol out of jealousy, and that fits very well with the Stairs scene. "The jealousy of Sam" also matches well with "the clumsiness in fidelity of Sam", so I do believe Tolkien was referring to Sam's jealousy rather than Gollum's. That's not to say Gollum wasn't somewhat envious, but, rather, that wasn't the main reason he was unable to repent -- I think it was simply that Sam's antagonistic behavior triggered his Gollum side.)

(The following letter has a lot of important information about young Sméagol! This entire thing should be read, honestly.)

("Déagol, evidently a relative (as no doubt all the members of the small community were)". "I imagine that he [Sméagol] was an orphan." I love that his gift to his grandmother, a fish, was given "grudgingly". I can't say that I blame him, considering Stoors were known to be rather merciless. "As a rule, they were a rough, blunt, and hearty people, whose values were territorial and emphasized the importance of loyalty, nationality, and provincialism. They did not take kindly to mischief, even of the most innocent and harmless kind, and they were generally rougher and harsher on their children than most Hobbits". "It was with the Stoors that the practice of "canning" ((that is, beating a delinquent individual with a walking-stick)) originated and was propagated for the most part." On Farmer Maggot: "he even cruelly and brutally abused Frodo Baggins in his youth by beating. Nonetheless, such behavior was common to Stoors."

(And here we find out that it's the reason they went fishing. In the book, Déagol's in the boat while Sméagol noses about the banks. So Sméagol was planning on gifting his grandmother with the fish Déagol caught hahaha, and this implies Déagol was willing to go along with that.)

#gollum #sméagol #the lord of the rings #lord of the rings #smeagol #smeagolsfriend #the hobbit #lotr #jrr tolkien #tolkien #tolkien letters

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mlmxreader · 2 years

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Void | Helmut Zemo x m!reader

Anonymous asked: Can I request some Zemo angst? Male reader has been in love with him for ages, knowing (or assuming) Zemo is straight and could never be interested in him. Reader tries to drown those thoughts out or get over him by drinking too much or isolating himself etc. and Zemo gets worried when it’s too much and tries to talk to him.

(Also can I be 🌵 anon?)

summary: being in love with a straight man is a fucking pain in the ass, and although moderation is key, that doesn't fucking matter anymore.

tws: drinking, swearing, drugs

A drink every now and then did no harm, neither did a few grams of weed, but when you didn't give a single fuck about moderation anymore, everything sorted of became a blur; you would wake up in fields miles away from home and you would splatter vomit all over the pavement, painting it. Moderation wasn't something that you could say you were fond of anymore. You knew that the man you were so stupidly in love with was straight, you knew that he was fucking straight and there was no way he would ever look at you the same way; you didn't give a fuck anymore, or at least that's what you told yourself.

Cans and bottles carpeted the floor of your flat, but you couldn't find it in yourself to care anymore; ashtrays so filled with finished blunts that they were damn near overflowing. Your phone was constantly going off; texts and calls from people who genuinely cares about you. Marc. Frank. Matt. Luke. Logan. You brushed them off every time; you didn't want to see anyone anymore. The white ceiling fan was so coated in dust and smoke that it was a dark grey now; the curtains had not been opened in weeks. All you wanted to do was to forget and to move on; all you wanted to do was to erase Zemo from your mind. Was that so fucking much to ask?

On days you didn't drink and smoke, you would just lay around in bed all day and wish that it would all fucking end; you wanted him gone from your life, but no matter where you looked in your flat, there were reminders. His fur coat that he had let you borrow when it was fucking freezing and you had forgotten your own. A bottle of whisky he had given you, the only thing you couldn't bring yourself to drink. A picture of you and him when he had taken you to a concert to see fucking System Of A Down. A picture of you both sound asleep - courtesy of Marc - and cuddled up together on your bed when you had thrown a party. Zemo was fucking everywhere and you wished that you had never met him; for fuck's sake, even Peter had managed to get himself out of his slump after his divorce. Why the fuck was it so hard for you to get over a stupid crush?

Still, days were turning into one big blur, and things weren't exactly getting better; all the Sabaton songs and all the fucking Lorna Shore songs didn't seem to help, either. Nor Caliban. Rammstein. Cannibal Corpse. Nothing could pull you out of it, and you were certain that this was how you were going to spend the rest of your days; but then, on a warm September night, your door was unlocked, and a groan echoed through the thin walls despite 'Void' by Lorna Shore playing loudly. You listened to the lyrics more than you did whoever the unwanted guest was; you supposed it was Marc or Wade, given that they had spare keys.

Will there be flies that make homes within my eyes, will my soul split like an atom and wander the skies, or fall to the earth with no one's surprise? The body subsides, am I damned to wander the earth? No soul to subside I seek rest in the dirt, how can I still feel this emotion? Why can I see beyond the grave? How can I still feel this emotion? A life long lost with nothing left to save, a series of needles dive within the skin, to seal shut the incision the coroner has made within, I can't quite comprehend my eyes, floating above my body the misery will never subside

"I know they said you were in a state, but this is certainly worse than what I'd expected," the voice you dreaded to hear rang out as Zemo pushed aside empty bottles to get to the bedroom. He leaned against the doorframe with his arms folded. "You haven't spoken to anyone in weeks."

You huffed, moving to the far side of the bed just so you didn't have to look at him, to see those big brown eyes that you could get lost in and that fucking smile that made you so goddamn weak that you hated yourself for it. "Fuck off."

The bed dipped as Zemo sat at the edge, looking at the wall as he kept his back to you, his hands clasped between his knees as he sighed. "Was it something I've done?"

"Fuck off."

"I'm worried about you," he started, "everyone I've spoken to says they haven't seen you or heard from you. I thought... I thought maybe you were ignoring me but... it seems it's not. Logan said you were upset about something but you wouldn't tell him what. Frank said you blocked his number, Matt and Luke, too... Marc and Wade said they wanted you to at least tell them you're alive... what's going on?"

"I thought I told you to fuck off," you grumbled, getting up and grabbing a blunt that you kept on your bedside table. You sparked it up, the smell so fucking good that you couldn't help the sigh that left you, the taste of it on your tongue as you felt your muscles relax a little.

"I'm not going anywhere until you tell me what's going on."

"Alright," you chuckled. "How's this? The man I was so fucking in love with for so long is straight. Sure, he's got those fucking big brown eyes, that fucking smile to die for, and sure, it was hot when he fucking grabbed my throat to put on a show for some cunt because he fucking choked me the way I like it but... he's fucking straight!"

Zemo stared at you for a moment, dumbfounded before he dared to get up, taking the blunt from you and stubbing it out in the nearest ashtray; he was so gentle as he put one hand on your throat like he had done last time, the other on your jaw as he pulled you in. He couldn't think of how to say it, how to tell you, but he felt the same and the only thing he could think of in that moment was to kiss you so fucking gently whilst choking you the same way he did before, daring to smile when you kissed him back, one hand on his cheek, the other buried in his hair. Zemo couldn't think of the right words to explain it, but he had been a mess without you; he wanted you to be his boyfriend, he craved your company, and he needed you there. He had been worried to fuck about you, and finding you in such filth and such a mess was something he never wanted to see again.

You pulled away, daring to laugh softly as you shook your head. "Get lost, Zemo, I don't want your pity."

"Does this look like pity?" He whispered, daring to kiss you again. "Let me help you clean up. Please."

You frowned, grabbing the bottle of whisky he had given you and pressing it into his hands as you sighed and ran a hand down your face. "Take it back. I can't look at it anymore."

"No," he put it back and sighed heavily as he tried to think of the right words to say, swallowing thickly as he groaned softly. "I care a lot about you, (y/n), and I know you think I'm straight but... I'm not. And if there's anyone I want right now, it's you - it's been you for a while... just let me help you clean up and then we can talk properly, please?"

"Fine," you caved. "But you owe me a ten."

"I can get you a thirty," he whispered. "But please... let me help?"

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wouldntyou-liketoknow · 2 months

Text

My EgoPats Meeting the Canon EgoPats (Brought To You by Incorrect Quotes)

Yep, I finally decided that this post deserved to be expanded on. So, to absolutely no-one's surprise, I gave it the ol' college try with memes.

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[Caliban has just returned from visiting Theory Manor. He’s now ranting to Murdock about WarfPat]

Caliban: Listen to what one of my STUPID doppelgängers did! Caliban: Apparently one of his “guests” ended up dying in his studio, and he offered the body to me. And since we’ve been in-between jobs lately, I was like, “Sure, why not?” Caliban: So, I cooked the best parts, then I went to town. . .and every two minutes, he added salt. Caliban: And it was weird. It almost tasted like sweet potato. Caliban: I asked, “Did this guy eat a lot of candy before he died? Or was he on drugs?” Caliban: And Warf said, “Noooo.” Caliban: Every two minutes, he added salt, salt, sALT, SALT! It was like he wanted to poison me! Caliban: And when I finished eating, he asked, “How did you like the human flesh wiTH SUGAR?” Caliban: . . .HE USED SUGAR INSTEAD OF SALT! Caliban: *starts shaking Murdock by the lapels of his overcoat* SUGAAAAAAAAAAR!!!!!!!

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[The EgoPats are using an Ouija board] The Detective: Tell us. . .is there an otherworldly creature in this house or on its grounds? LevianthanPat: *is right outside the nearest window, but has decided to use his powers to speak through the board before he actually starts talking* ¥ê§. MadPat: Great! Rent is due on the first of the month. WarfPat: Oh, and movie night is on Friday if you want to hang out. LeviathanPat: *genuinely caught off-guard* . . .Wåï†, WHÄ†—?!

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Mack: So, for that party I told the guys about. . .do you, uh. . . Patty/DancePat: Oh, are you not sure how to dress for it? Mack: *panicked* WHAT IS CLOTHES???

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The Detective: If I have to clean one more bloodstain from this carpet, I’m going to murder someone. Caliban: Sounds a little counterproductive.

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WarfPat: Hey, new guy! Trick or ye— LeviathanPat: *conjures an Uno Reserve card* ñÖ

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The Detective: I'm not doing too well. Penn/Pennsylvania: What's wrong? The Detective: I have this headache that comes and goes. [LeviathanPat manifests outside the nearest window] The Detective: And there it is again.

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The Hermit: What is toothpaste if not bone soap? Caliban: . . .You are a complete and total treasure. Never let anyone tell you otherwise.

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Penn/Pennsylvania: We call that a traumatic experience. Penn/Pennsylvania: *turning to The Detective* Not a “bruh moment” Penn/Pennsylvania: *turning to The Hermit* Not “sadge” Pennsylvania: *turning to MadPat* And DEFINITELY not “oof lmao”

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Mack: *scoffs* Clearly, you don’t own an air fryer. Clearly. Caliban: *chuckles dryly* I’m not gonna be talked down to by some arrogant, condescending, delusions-of-grandeur-prone SIDE-DISH. Caliban: If you want to insult me, go right ahead. But you have no idea how brutal that’s gonna get. You don’t even know my name! Caliban: *steps closer to Mack, almost getting in his face* I ' m t h e c o m b i n a t i o n o f y o u a n d a c r a z y i s l a n d h e r m i t f r o m a d i f f e r e n t t i m e l i n e .

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The Detective: Define “dream”. LeviathanPat: Ðrêåm—†hê £ïr§† †hïñg þêðþlê åßåñÐðñ whêñ †hê¥ lêårñ hðw †hê wðrlÐ wðrk§. The Hermit: Oh, c’mon! That’s just too dark!

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Ness: Do you support LGBTQIA+ rights? Patty/DancePat: . . .I’m literally a girlypop and exotic dancer?? WarfPat: He’s avoiding the question!

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MadPat: Gatekeep, girlboss, and. . .what's the other one again? LeviathanPat: †hêrê ï§ñ'† åñð†hêr ðñê. ¥ðµ'rê ¢råz¥.

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Caliban: He doesn’t deserve you! If he doesn’t treat you right by now, you’re gone! Ness: *taking a deep breath* I’m gone. Caliban: *nodding and grinning* Now gO CHOP HIS DICK OFF—

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Penn/Pennsylvania: I can’t tell if you’re a genius or just incredibly arrogant. Mack: Well, on a good day, I’m both.

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[The EgoPats are discussing a plan. Ozzie has taken his turn to speak, standing with a whiteboard at the head of the room] Ozzie: Anyone have any questions? Ness: Is this legal? Ozzie: . . .Anyone have any relevant questions?

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The Detective: Are you seriously making human-bacon for breakfast?! Caliban: *looking away from the bacon-filled frying pan he’s using* Yeah. What’d you have for breakfast? The Detective: . . .Nothing. Caliban: *shrugs, returning his focus to the frying pan* I’m doing better than you, man.

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Penn/Pennsylvania: What’s up with you? Mack: What do you mean? Penn/Pennsylvania: You’ve been nice and helpful and considerate all day. What’s your game?

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[The Detective recently griped to Caliban about a recent case. Now Caliban is trying to convince The Detective to do something highly unconventional to make progress with said case.l]

Caliban: DO IT! The Detective: NOOOOO! GOD, PLEASE NO! Caliban: MAKE YOUR DREAMS COME TRUE! The Detective: NO! Caliban: JUST— The Detective: NO! Caliban: — D O I T ! The Detective: N O O O O O O O ! ! !

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Patty/DancePat: I can't believe you've done this. . . Ness: I'm sorry, I didn't know—! Patty/DancePat: *on the verge of tears* YOU CAN'T JUST BUY ME A GIFT OUT OF NOWHERE WHEN I HAVE NOTHING PREPARED FOR YOU IN RETURN! NOW I FEEL LIKE A HUGE JERK!

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The Hermit: Onion rings are vegetable donuts. Mack: Sure. . . The Hermit: Your stomach thinks all potatoes are mashed. Mack: Okay? The Hermit: Lasagna is spaghetti flavored cake. Mack: . . . The Hermit: Lobsters are mermaid scorpio— Mack: Jesus, that one is a little— Caliban: *was just passing through but is now interested* No, no. Let him continue

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[A plan involving paranormal investigation has gone terribly wrong, and The Detective is almost out of options]

The Detective: *begrudgingly holding a dark ritual* If you are here, speak to us! LeviathanPat: *slowly manifests outside the window. . .and starts singing “Don’t Stop Believin’.” With each lyric, his voice shifts in a very disturbing way* JÚ§† Ä ÇÌ†-Ä¥ ßÖ¥! The Detective: *grinds his jaw, having even more regrets than before* LeviathanPat: ßÖRñ ÄñÐ RÄÌ§ÈÐ Ìñ §ÖÚ†H—!

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WarfPat: What kinds of sounds annoy you? Ozzie: Are we talkin’ real sounds or imaginary ones? WarfPat: *now interested* Lets say imaginary. Ozzie: Spiders wearin’ flip flops.

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[MadPat is trying to talk killer-to-killer with Caliban. So far, he’s only succeeded in annoying Caliban]

MadPat: Every time I go out there, I feel like I do my best and they don’t! Caliban: *has heard all about how sloppy Mad’s methods are, how much evidence Mad always seems to leave behind, as well as how Mad trapped himself in a fire only to get caught by the police* Let me ask you a very fair question—What do you do successfully? MadPat: . . . Caliban: *raising an eyebrow* QUICKLY. MadPat: *scowls and storms off*

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The Detective: You need a hobby. LeviathanPat: Ì ålrêåÐ¥ håvê å hðßß¥! The Detective: Terrorizing people is nOT A HOBBY!

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Ness: Ducks are better than rabbits. Penn/Pennsylvania: What? Rabbits are adorable. Have you ever been in a fight with a duck? Ducks are jerks. WarfPat: Duck is delicious! Rabbit is all gamey. Ness: We’re not talking about flavor, Warf! WarfPat: Flavor counts! The Detective: Who carries around a duck’s foot for good luck? Anyone? Mack: You wrap yourself in a comforter stuffed with rabbit hair. I’ll wrap myself in a comforter stuffed with duck feathers. Who’s cozier? Penn/Pennsylvania: Okay, but— Mack: NO, NO, NO, NO. WHO’S COZIER? MadPat: Why don’t we just take a rabbit and a duck, stick ‘em in a cardboard box and let them fight it out? Penn/Pennsylvania: BECAUSE THAT’S ILLEGAL! MadPat: ONLY IF WE BET ON IT! Caliban: *sitting in the adjacent room, listening in on the debate. He’s not sure if Snare could get roped into it, because Snare is a hare and not a rabbit, but he’s still holding him protectively* . . .

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Ness: *calling up the stairs from the kitchen* I made lightly-fried fish fillets for dinner! The Detective: . . .Ness, it’s one-fifteen AM. What the hell? Ness: Do you guys want the lightly-fried fish fillets or not? Ozzie: *pokes his head out of one of the guest rooms* Well, I mean, yeah. Ness: So come downstairs before they get cold. Penn/Pennsylvania: *comes out of another guest room* Wait, you just made them? Ness: Yeah, I wasn’t tired, so I decided to make lightly-fried fish fillets. LeviathanPat: *has been watching/listening to all of this through the kitchen window* §å¥ "lïgh†l¥-£rïêÐ £ï§h £ïllê†§" ðñê mðrê †ïmê.

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Patty/DancePat: When you’re shopping at Lush and another customer comes in and bites one of the soap options because they think it’s cheese. . .I talked to one of the employees about it, and apparently this sort of thing happens way more frequently than you’d think. Mack: Well, if Lush stopped literally presenting soap as deli food, then this wouldn't happen so frequently. Patty/DancePat: Who goes into a bath store and thinks something covered in glitter is cheese??? The Detective: . . .Who goes to the deli section of a store and just takes a bite out of the cheese?!

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[MadPat keeps trying to antagonize Caliban, as if THAT will somehow change Caliban’s opinion of him]

MadPat: *pacing the floor in front of Caliban* And I’m not gonna conversate with you! I’m not gonna invest time in— Caliban: *organizing some Black Market stuff on his laptop, not paying Mad too much attention* I think it’s “converse.” MadPat: . . .Huh? Caliban: *rolling his eyes* Just say “talk.”

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Penn/Pennsylvania: I haven't slept in seventy-three hours. Ozzie: Eighty. Democratically elected leader of insomnia over here. MadPat: Bitch, it's been ninety for me. I'm going for an even one hundred. Ness: . . .You guys can be terrifying sometimes.

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The Detective: Oh, you’re back from that outing. What’d you think of that Patty guy? Ness: I can’t remember how we got on the topic of beaches, but he referred to sand as "heterosexual glitter." The Detective: . . . Ness: I don't know how someone so awesome can be so anxious all the time!

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Mack: You’re making fun of me now, aren’t you? Ozzie: What? Oh, no-no-no, Mack. I’d never—*suddenly points past Mack* MACK LOOK IT’S CALIBAN! Mack: *turns around in a panic* WHERE?! [As it turns out, Caliban is, in fact, nowhere to be seen] Mack: *blinks, pretty much frozen in place* Ozzie: *falls to the floor, laughing hysterically*

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The Hermit: Let's all agree that going up the stairs on all fours is actually the best experience on earth. Penn/Pennsylvania: Conversely, going down the stairs on all fours is actually the most terrifying experience on earth.

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Patty/DancePat: Yeah, so, my latest shift at the club was a little rough. Heh. . . Ness: *concerned* Why are you looking up? Patty/DancePat: I need to CRY, but my foundation cost FORTY-EIGHT DOLLARS.

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The Hermit: How do ethical philosophers feel about murder? Ness: Well. . .I mean, it’s frowned upon. Caliban: Yeah, but what if the reason you want to murder someone is to make your life easier? The Hermit: *nodding along* That’s okay, right?

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LeviathanPat: ¥ðµ kñðw whå† Ì’vê rêålïzêÐ? The Detective: Some thoughts are better left unsaid? LeviathanPat: ñï¢ê †r¥, åñ¥wå¥—

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Ness: So they were just using me? Penn/Pennsylvania: I’m sorry, Ness. Mack: *trying to contain his amusement* You must feel pretty stupid right now. Ness: . . . Penn/Pennsylvania: Okay, that’s a time-out. Mack: No, I was just trying to— Caliban: *using his meat cleaver to gesture to the corner of the room* Go sit over there! Mack: *walks away in defeat*

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Mack: *entering the room, unable to see what's going on just yet* I’m going to dunk on you— Patty/DancePat: *is wearing heels AND is currently practicing some new pole-dancing moves* You’d better bring a ladder, then.

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The Detective: *exhausted from supernatural shenanigans* Please, God, just let me have one peaceful day?! LeviathanPat: Öh m¥ GðÐ, ¥ðµ ågåïñ? Gïvê ï† å rê§†, ßµÐÐ¥! The Detective: I WASN’T TALKING TO YOU!

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Penn/Pennsylvania: A riddle for you, my friend! So it’s raining, right? And you pass a bus stop. There are three people there—your most trustworthy friend, a pregnant lady who needs to go to the hospital, and the person of your dreams. However, your smart car only fits two people. What do you do? Ness: Oh, I’ve heard this one before! You lend the car to your friend so they can take the pregnant lady to the hospital, and then you stay at the bus stop with your dream person! Penn/Pennsylvania: Oh, so close, but wrong. The correct answer is as follows—you go home and reEVALUATE YOUR DAMN LIFE! Penn/Pennsylvania: *grabs Ness by the collar and starts playfully shaking him* YOU! BOUGHT! A! SMART! CAR!

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[Caliban leads Mack over to a closet]

Mack: *walks into the closet* Um. . .what’s in here? Caliban: Oh, it’s just—*turns the room’s light off and grabs the door handle* —YOUR DEMISE. Mack: AHHHHH—! Caliban: *slams the door and locks it*

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@sammys-magical-au @insane4fandoms @b-is-in-the-closet

#incorrect quotes #memes #matpat #egopats #my fan egos #fanmade egos #caliban #caliban the cannibal #patty/dancepat #pat a. cake #penn/pennsylvania #pennsylvania james #leviathanpat #ozzie the inmate #iswm mack #etn3 the detective #ness the waiter #madpat #warfpat

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