#but this just feels worse to me because i know itll happen no matter what | Explore Tumblr Posts and Blogs

marrycv · 1 month

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cry baby

warnings : mention of sex on strap! fingering reader!receiving. angst, smut, toxic!ellie and addiected!reader. mention of drugs, alcohol. mention of drug addiction, mention of cheating. tell me if i missed anything:)

requests are open

the night was cold, colder than the previous ones that you remembered through the dark memories you had in your mind. flawlessly coming back as flashbacks you never meant to remember. it felt like every time, you had to revive that moment. it was so intense, so hurtful, yet so comforting at the same time. ellie was your comfort person, yet the person that made you curl in your bed to cry until your lungs hurt. she was just always playing with your heart that you let it into her hands, already too corrupted to be saved. only her could do something about it. and it wasn’t like she was gonna give it back to you, no her hands, playing with your heart was glued to it, no matter how hard you tried to take it away from her it was impossible, only was doing you and her more damage than ever.

she’d always come home in the middle of the night saying sorry, almost begging for it to finish with her strap deep filling you whole. you moaning her name like a song in repeat, beautiful like poetry while her actions and words were such a dirty sin to remember looking at, yet so good it made you remember why you stayed. you stayed because you’d fall for her words, her charm, the way she made you feel. as it could be with her skilled fingers or with her mouth. words and actions that were only to use your body as her biggest sex toy.

today wasn’t any different, a cold night, ellie knocking on your door to excuse herself under some intoxicating liquid or something else that you probably couldn’t name it. her brain wasn’t functioning like it would’ve.

it was draining knowing what will happen

that you’d wake up lonely again. yearning for more.

that was why she loved being with you, you’d open the door each time she knocked it.

but how could you know itll be her standing in front of it waiting impatiently for you?

in a way you always knew it was her, but you preferred finding an excuse to save yourself from you hypnotized self.

“im sorry yn”

“please leave it always happens like this”

you couldn’t do it tonight. not when last time you saw her was in the arms of another girl a month ago. her excuse was that she looked like you. you and ellie weren’t even together which in a way hurts more than it should’ve, she wasn’t yours, but you needed her to be.

you needed her to love you like you loved her. you needed her to put her life aside like you did for her.

at this point your days looked like laying in bed in a suffocating loop only because of her addiction.

the high was high and the down was a goddamn crash and you couldn’t recover from it only with some help. and it was another dose of her drug that would let you get up from your bed to open the door at 1am, needing that little high of her again.

you knew that when she’d leave, the down would be worse than it was yesterday. and you knew that the high would be less than yesterday too, but you couldnt help but think you needed it more than oxygen.

you couldn’t help but letting her devour the insides of you- quite literally.

she was so dangerous for you, like the nitrogen dioxide, you couldn’t resist to it in every way possible.

you just needed to pass out with the warmth feeling of her embrace, while your lungs and eyes were burning due of crying because of the such negative emotions she’d make you feel and how you got attached to the such rare ones.

“baby i got you flowerssss!!”

“Awwww!! Ellie this is literally so cute im gonna cry!!”

for the next second you two got into an argument and you threw the vase into her face, glass, water and tulips all over her face for reminders that you just figured out that she relapsed. lying to you that she was doing okay all this time.

leading you on.

she was intoxicating herself but it was contagious, and she could never see it.

“im so sorry yn! but i feel worse sober. i dont know what to do!!” she’d yell at you

you’d just fall in the act, like everytime.

you’d just open your arms to wrap her body around you.

but she was Ellie, she was broken, you needed to be here for her even though it meant dying for her.

you’d do anything for her to feel okay.

even though you never did with her.

she was still your whole world, she got your heart… remember?

#ellie williams #the last of us #ellie fanfic #tlou fanfiction #wlw post #ellie smut #ellie x reader #wlw ns/fw #wlw smut #ellie x you #toxic love #toxic relationship #toxicity #tw drugs #sex and drugs #angst #Spotify

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splatattackz · 7 months

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and, springing off of my last post, heres a greater post talking about ramon and his relation with lying and secret-keeping - because, in my opinion, its a topic that needs to be known to better understand his character as secrets are a big part of his family.

ill place the talk under the cut so this post doesnt take too much space :)

"just [to] let u know, i trust u even in the dark"

ramon trusts fit. a ton. and theres nothing that could ever change that. he trusts what is kept secret is best kept this way. its why he wasnt as persistent to know about the contract, even if he knew there was lies and secrets at play that he hated. he trusted him. and that trust only grew when fit trusted him enough back to tell him a little bit of the family secret (the contract).

but, despite this trust, ramon also loves fit all too much. its why he gets so defensive when fit tells lies to him. ramon is a very observant boy. he knows a lot of things he shouldnt because of this. as fit once said, "the kids too damn smart for his own good". no lie leaves his detection because he can always tell the way people shift and change when theyre fibbing. but he doesnt push or prod on the matter usually. unless its fit. because he loves him too much. he needs to know whats going on with him. if he doesnt know, how can he help and protect him? its a reason he hates it when fit mutes, too. he always feels like fits keeping a secret from him when it happens.

i remember one time they were working on ground zero (i think it was the last time they worked on ground zero) and fit was fretting over his contract and ramon made a joke about how he acted like he would die if he didnt fullfill the contract. and fit laughed and said "no, ramon, i wont die." and then muted and said smth like "itll be much worse than death". and ramon noticed fit muted and got very upset. he basically threw a tantrum over it and wouldnt talk to fit until he told him what he was keeping secret. ramon said he was upset because the topic at hand (fit dying) and the fact he muted didn't spell anything good.

"if u tell me i [either] [lose] everything or u, i would choose [to keep] u"

something ramon said to show how much he cared for fit and how that care is why he was so upset. eventually fit did tell him and even told him more about what it meant if he didnt fullfill the contract - that if he failed, he would be trapped in the wastelands forever with no escape. and that this contract was his only chance at a semi-normal life.

but otherwise, ramons relation to lies and secret-keeping isnt negative. he has told lies and has kept secrets himself. hes no stranger to it. and he even keeps fit in check about the contract when he wants to tell other people things. i remember when fit found tazercraft in the prison he wanted to tell phil but ramon stopped him and told him some things are best kept secret. and, while this was mainly a very hrp response bc the admin wanted to let the duo solve the puzzles, he made a good point of if he trusts phil enough with this maybe he should tell him about the contract too. to which fit said "no, hes not ready to know about it yet". and, again, when ramon first built the satellite for the second attempt at contact, fit wanted to tell phil where he would be in case anything happened. and, again, ramon stopped him and reminded him if he wanted to do that then he'd have to tell phil everything. and the convo ended there.

(its no coincidence that fit told phil about the secret bedroom with ramon not around :] the baby boy cant keep him in check with that stuff now..)

ill stop the post here before we are here for hours but. i needed to talk about one of ramons most interesting aspects ajaja i hope you enjoyed the little ramble

#aaaa this post is so long #and nonsensical #sorry!!!#im just #very normal about this egg okay #i need him back NOW #before i sob and cry #qsmp #qsmp ramon #character analysis #<- ig!#qsmpattackz #splatattackz

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goremet-chef · 9 months

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trying to keep my emotions in check is so fucking hard man. like the pain i feel is so intense and real, but i also know i feel it for nothing. AND YET when i acknowledge this, the pain persists anyways!! never reassured properly cuz i can never see to kill the little voice in my head whispering "what if they do though? what if its true?" its so. frustrating its so PAINFUL this shit is slowly killing me man

its like. im scared to be caught in it if it IS true, to the point where ill just. back up and straight up leave sometimes

even when nothing bad has happened, and everyone is normal, even the smallest thing will tip me off and ill start feeling bad. ill start feeling like something happened and everyones upset with me, they like me less, theyre bored of me, annoyed, disgusted, ETC

its so scary man. and the worst part? i will never ever bring it up. ill never talk it through, never make my feelings known because i cant BEAR to make everything about me!!!!!! even if sharing how i feel isnt inherently selfish, ill feel like it is. itll tear me apart. there is no fucking escape!!! if i never say anything, then im leaving mid conversation to go cry in my bathroom and coming back like nothing is bothering me. if i do say something, ill sour the mood. everyone else is always having a good time, how could i just.. RUIN that? because i misinterpreted something and decided suddenly that no one actually likes me and im just.

im stuck in this loop where like. i want to be a good friend, a FUN friend. i dont want people to watch what they say around me, i dont want them to check up on how im doing, i should just be doing GOOD. but im not, i never am. its such bullshit man

why do i have to live so fucking miserably? why do i have to feel this pain, why do i always tear up over seemingly nothing? why is everything so heavy all the time

i hate that im someone who needs some kind of accommodation, i wish so desperately that i was just.. normal. normal enough to not cry like a fucking baby while everyone else is having a good time. i wish i wasnt like this, wish it so fucking badly

i dont make friends with shitty people, all my friends are so cool and sweet but like.. i just cant bring myself to bring it up, ever. i wanna be silly goofy dominic. i want them to love being around me so much that they forget about the unbelievably massive pile of mental issues i have. i want them to forget how easy it is to hurt me, even if its completely unreasonably and stupid

most of the time im successful, cuz ive got a quieter bpd going on. all the feelings are just as intense and suffocating, but i just. keep it all bottled inside, keep it all in the safety of my room. theres no like.

this is the closest ill ever get to sharing. spitting it out into a void because im too cowardly to confront my OWN emotions

i think thats what hurts the worst. i feel so fucking SELFISH. i know everyone has emotions, and id respect and love everybody elses, but mine? nothing makes me feel worse than when people actually care about me. it makes bottling everything up so hard. so hard when they ask if im okay and i have to lie to their face cuz im still not strong enough to confess whats slowly eating my alive

im just too scared of being too much. its like this line that i cant cross. i dont want to be overbearing, i dont want to be so outwardly emotional, i dont want to be VISIBLY MISERABLE to the people who love me, or at least like me enough to stick around.

but im so unsocialized that this is damn near the only way. i wanna be the fun silly goofy friend but the fact of the matter is that im just not. watching me try to participate in any conversation is just.. painful. and i can SEE how painful it is. its embarrassing how bad i am at talking. it only makes things worse, pulls me back from my dream of being someone that people ENJOY speaking to. its sad

even if im not as boring and awkward as i think i am, the fact that i think it alone holds me back. theres been so many times where i just.. bite my tongue and stay quiet even if i have an opportunity to tell a joke or something cuz the voice in the back of my head tells me "what if they dont get it? what if they dont think its funny? what if they only pretend to laugh? how embarrassing would that be?" and its right. i have to like.. silence myself so that i wont ever face any kind of rejection, because if i do itll kill me and ill feel so fucking miserable over it

i wish i didnt live my life this way, but in my head there are very few options, and all of them are bad

#vent #bpd

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arsen1cs4ng0 · 1 year

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shout out to the chip fandom for being legit TRAUMATIZING. not even saying that as a joke or exaggeration!!! i know/know of so many good people who got their mental health totally RUINED by the awful people there. im one of them!!! its SOO much more horrible than a lot of people realize or even want to talk/think about. so many are literally scared to speak of the effect it had on them because theyre scared itll happen all over again + because it was literally just That Fucking Bad. even im not coming off anon for this. fuck that!!!

from my perspective… theres genuinely like no good people left because they all got chased off + traumatized in the process. i honestly think even the writers themselves got chased off by the toxicity. the hiatuses + *the ending in particular* just line up WAY TOO WELL with awful shit happening for that to not be the case… :/

and it sucks too because it was such a good and diverse story! it was really finally getting interesting!!! some of the plot lines before it all just stopped were legit gut wrenching (/pos!!!) + incredible to watch! the way it humanized the characters was so!!!!!! GOOD!!!!! but it’s all gone now because some people are just total fucking toxic freaks and heckled + harassed literally everyone out of the community no matter how hard it tried to keep stable…. its so depressing. it was fun while it lasted but i never want to go back + it will literally never be the same as it was a couple years ago. and at this point i think that’s a good thing

sorry for the random suuuuper long anon. i know youre a smaller account and probably dont want to talk about this kind of thing. its just been on my mind and youre one of the few people ive seen be openly critical of it all. hope u have a nice day + this finds you well at least!! :)

[ this turns into a rant in the end but its gotta be said lol ]

hi anon, thanks for the ask !! i pretty much have no choice to be open about this all because no-one else ( apart from like. 2 people ) will, i would say much more if it wasnt for my awfully limited vocabulary LOL ( and unless you wanna see a 16 year old cursing and throwing every insult in the english language at the people who hurt / manipulated my friends, well um !!! )

it just hurts seeing the fandom get worse and worse, one of my friends was literally almost driven to suicide because of the toxicity and abuse from the modern fandom, my confidence was snatched away after shit that happened in june - everything has just been SHIT !!!!

ive been actively trying to disassociate from the fandom entirely but its been extremely hard ( especially with my hyperfix on who i call ''little guy the 2st'' - the most i can do is wait for the hyperfix to pass at this point ), everytime i check in i know its just gonna be the same now: people who pretend nothing happened and attempt to cover up everything that happened before they ''''apologized'''' ( and i thought they were gonna keep the bad shit they did up for accountability !! what happened to that ????? ), people who will desparately manipulate unsuspecting people just so their wittle friend can look like the ''uwu sweet bean x3 owo angel who was definitely never ever ever transphobic in their life !!'' - you get the fucking picture at this point LOL

everything has fucking demotivated me and i wish i could fucking scream at Those people, but whats the point of doing so if they're just not gonna pull their heads out of their asses and just admit what they did instead of being like ''WAAAAAH YOURE SUCH A MEAN MEAN PERSON I DIDNT DO THAT AT ALL STOP SPREADING LIES, N-NO !!!!! ;_____;'' ?? i dont care if i get attacked by those people anymore because its only gonna prove my point on how fucking toxic they are i feel so bad for unsuspecting people who dont know how bad the fandom really is and what they'll end up diving into like i did, like my ex-friend did too

again, thanks for the ask anon and im so so so sorry you had to witness this all :[

#suicide mention tw #thanks for the ask anon <:] /gen #i was genuinely scared that my criticism of the chip fandom was just coming across as annoying and shit #especially with how often i talked about it #especially on my twitter + my circle #time for silly ol' val to find something else to obsess over and pray what they get into isnt toxic </3 #harmony squeaks #harmony rants #harmony on the net #ask

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loveu001 · 2 years

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chapter two

last paragraph from last chapter for recap::

At work the next day, you tried your best to cover up the bruises and cuts. They still stung. Even with the pain killers. I guess he meant it when he said he was gonna make your life hell. Because this sure hurt like hell. You were hurting all over. So badly it felt painful to even walk or sit down. No one even seemed a little concerned. Peter had got in late. He couldn't even see the cuts because you covered them so well. You had gotten so good at covering them because this had happened so many times. You were ashamed of having this talent. You were never supposed to get this good at it. But he had noticed that you were limping a bit. “Oh my love.. Who did this…?” he whispers, so no one else would hear. “..” you stayed silent. You were so scared to say who did this. Besides, he doesn't even know you have a boyfriend. (if you would even call it that.) He looks you in the eyes and gives a soft smile. “Don't tell me you tripped or some bullshit story. Darling, please tell me who did this to your beautiful body.” You were terrified of him. You had known Mark for years. It didn't start off like this though. He used to be so sweet and comforting to you. He had always made you think that its your fault that he was like this. And you did think that.

chapter three |

You didnt know what to do. You were unsure if you should tell him or not. Its such a scary feeling. I mean you both trusted each other. Its just.. There was a voice telling you not to. Youve always had a problem with overthinking shit. So you just decided to not tell him. “Listen, its fine if you dont want to tell me. Its just im really worried about you. Youve been showing up these past couple of days with your bruises getting worse and worse. You need see a doctor for these, bunny.” You almost bursted into tears right on spot. He was being so sweet and supportive to you. It made your heart flutter. Tears started to form in your eyes. You felt so loved. Meeting him was the best thing that has ever happened to you. He had seen your eyes and gave you a warm embrace. “Itll be okay. Ill take care of you.” he said, his voice breaking also. You really didnt give two fucks if people saw you too. They didn't matter. He supported you at your worst, and at your best. “Cmon.. come here.. You can come to my place for the night if you desire.” he smiles. He made you so happy. A day away from the asshole at your apartment made you so happy. Finally. When your shift at the lab ended you met up with peter. “C'mon..my house is just down the street.” You gave him a smile and nodded. Youve never actually been to his house in the years that you had known him. When you got to his house he mentioned that this is not his house it is his parents that had ‘died in a car crash’ You believed and stepped in. The house smelled of cinnamon. “Its beautiful peter” you say and he leads you to the kitchen and he makes you some dinner. He had made some steak. “Mmf peter.. This is delicious!” you say with your mouth full of the delicacy. “Thank you.. Moms recipe.” he exclaims. When your done he leads you to his room. His room was kind of messy, dusty also. It had looked like no one had been in here for years. Strange isnt it? You shrug it off and continue with him showing you the bed. “Ill sleep on the floor. You can have the bet hun.” he says softly. “no no i dont want you sleeping on the floor! We can share a bed.” you exclaim. He shrugs and says “alright sweetie, but only if you're comfortable with that. Okay?” You nodded. “I think I have some antibiotics and bandages in my bathroom. I'll be back.” he chuckled. In the meantime, you looked around his room. Nothing too interesting except this tool box under his bed. You were going to look in it but it requires a key. Damn. I guess everyone needs some privacy. Peter walks in and sets his box of bandages and antibiotics. “Okay i need you to answer honestly. Where does it hurt?” peter aked. “Uhm everywhere honestly.. But mostly on my chest.” you declared. He nodded in confirmation, “okay, i'm going to need you to lift your shirt up. Okay?” You nod and slowly lift your shirt up. You'd be lying if you said this didn't turn you on. Peter treating your wounds. He gazes up at you and mumbles, “how did this happen..” You try to look away from him, but you feel a sting on your chest. “Fuck- what are you doing ! “ You scream, but you look down at him and see he is trying his best not to make it be painful. “..oh i'm sorry baby did that hurt?” he questioned. I mean, of course it hurt!

You nod and he utters, “i'm so sorry darlin. Please let me know if this hurts.” You manage to let out a “mhm..” and he continues. It did sting and burn when he was treating your wounds, but he insisted that he take care of you. The wounds were very serious. When you took a shower yesterday, you tried to take the shards of glass from the beer bottle out of your skin. You had gotten most out but, there were still a few small tiny pieces in your skin. You winced at him taking the shards out. Sure hurt like hell. When he finished getting the chips of glass out of your flesh, you let out a relieved sigh. But he was not done yet. He still had to treat the rest of your wounds. When he finished with that, he grinned and said, “There, i'm very sorry if that hurt my love” he then gives you a kiss on the cheek.

He starts to apply the bandages to the areas where the cuts were. “Now.. please tell me who did this sweetheart..” You gulp. You were so scared to tell 001. He was just a co-worker… right? What if he makes a new rumor that the lab whore gets assaulted by her boyfriend everyday after work.. No, he would never. Peter isn't that type of guy..right? Fuck it, you wanna see that asshole burn in hell after the shit he does to you daily. “It's.. m-my boyfriend..” his eyes widened. He did not expect that to exit your lips. Your boyfriend out of all people. He just thought it was one of the slutty whores at the lab. “Oh my love.. I'm so sorry this is happening.. You shouldnt be mistreated like this. Have you tried calling the police?” he says like he, himself, is about to start crying. “Yes.. I've tried everything. He just ends up assaulting me.” his eyes start to form tears. He gives you one of the best hugs ever. You both start sobbing. “Come on, let's get to sleep.” he whimpered.

When you wake up, you look over and Peter is still asleep. Today is your day off. You look up at the clock at his bedside, it is four in the morning. You yawn, your eyes blurry. You massage your eyes in distress. The pain has gotten better. You get up to go wash your face in the bathroom. You splash some water on your face and hear an ominous creeeeaak. The door opens slowly and reveals peter.

He groans and questions, “mmf..y/n.. What are you doing awake?” You had wondered the same thing about him. He usually arrives late at work a few hours late. Huh. “Sorry, did I wake you? My apologies peter. I was just waking myself up.” you chuckled. He has a BAD bed head. Like hair covering his eyes and stuck to his face bedhead. He grinned and mumbled, “yeah.. Haha..” You didnt realize at the time but his morning voice was so attractive to you. It was like heaven. Anyways, you both had a moment of awkwardness and sexual tension. You slept in a white tank top. Since that was the only thing you had under your lab uniform. He slept in white shorts and a black shirt. His house was very chiilly. You broke the silence with him him clearing his throat. “Do you want some breakfast?” he asked softly. Your stomach was practically roaring. “Pplease?” you giggle. He leads you to his kitchen. Which looked like it hadnt been dusted in CENTURIES. You are beginning to get more and more suspicious of him.. But you just shrug it off. “So, what would you like for breakfast? Toast? Bacon? Or eggs?” you think to yourself for a moment and declare, “eggs and bacon please” Yesterday was actually one of the best days of your life. A day without him. It was so peaceful. But you are terrified to see his reaction to you being gone for days. You wish you never had to leave. You loved being around peter. You felt so safe with him. “Your breakfast is almost done my love..” He kindly said. A few seconds later the door bell rang. “Do you want me to get the door while you finish up?” you yell over the loud noise of the skillet. It smelt heavenly. “YES” he shrieks, the grease popping on him. You laugh, “ITS NOT FUNNY!” he yells.

You walk to the door and say, “it is.”You open the door and see what looks like your boyfriend. “Mark! What the h-” you get cut off with a smack in the face. “I should be asking you THIS whore. Who else are you with? Selling your body again, FUCKING SLUT. God damn it.” Peter turns around and glimpses a man in the doorway. They make eye contact. “How the fuck did you know i was here.???” your voice is shaking. You are terrified. “Dont you remember ? Oh wait.. You were knocked out. I put a tracker in your bag.” he says, emotionless. Your heart is beating so fast you think it will beat out of your chest. You rush to the nearest bathroom. “Where the fuck are yo-” he gets cut off with a punch the face. Peter wasnt scared. He wasnt scared of your abuser. He hated him. Meaanwhile, you were in the bathroom literally puking your guts out. Having a panic attack. You didnt think he could find you. How the hell diddnt you notice. This was all your fault you thought. Tears streaming down your face like a waterfall. Coughing. You hear a knock on the bathroom door. “Darling, are you okay? I took care of.. Him” You try to reach up to the door but one of your wounds had opened. You groan. “imfineimfine.. One- one of my wounds had opened.” you whimper. You dont know how but, the door unlocks. He opens the door and picks you up carefully. “Oh my goodness!! Sweetheart.. Are you okay?” he questions. You look up and ask, “i think so.. So did you actually- did you do something about him?” He looks down and says, “mhm” he then gives you a kiss, “now then, let's get you back in bed, i'm sure you are in a lot of pain my love.” You nodd and he takes you back to the bed you woke upu in. While you lay in bed, waiting for him to get some bandages, you still wonder how he managed to get the door open with no key. Weird, huh? You decide to ignore it. Maybe he actually had a key to the bathroom. “Im baaaack!!” he says in a cheery tone. He must be in a good mood today, you think. He plops on the bed and sighs, “okay.. Where is the wound that had opened my love?” You point to your side and whisper, “here.” He nods and fixes and cleans your wound. “there , all better.” he smiles. “Right?” You nod. He gets up and goes over and turns on some music. You chuckle. “Want me to tell you what happened to your .. ex boyfriend?” You shake your head up and down, signaling yes. “Okay let me paint the picture for you. When you had went to the bathroom, me and him got into a fight, then i basically called the cops, he is in jail now. No need to worry about him. When i had told them what he had done… they said they want your words of all he had done to you. Im so sorry darling if you didnt want me to tell them.” he kisses you on the forehead. You smile and whisper, “no baby, I needed you to tell them. You did the right thing.” He smirks and whispers in your ear, “i love you so much babydoll.” he begins to give you sloppy kisses on the neck. “Thats it, thats it…mm” you moan. He looks up at you, “ohoho, so you like this my love…?” he asks. You gulp. I mean of fucking course you do, the man that you have had sexual tension for days finally decides to make a move?? You nod. “Words baby. Words..” you groan..

“Yes.. i love this actually” you giggle. He smiles and continues giving you sloppy kisses and hickies. His knee in between your legs. You are sure he could feel your wetness. He moves down to your lower area. “I dont want to hurt you.. Tell me if it hurts sweetheart..” He pulls down your shorts to reveal your drenched panties. “Oh my, oh my. Look how wet my baby is..” He looks up at you for permission to continue and you nod. You were fine with him eating you out. You just weren't ready for penetration with your wounds. “I know how youve been looking at me.. I bet you have been dreaming of this.. Baby” he states. He then gently tugs at your panties. A single “mm” comes out of his lips. He then puts his tongue on your clit. IT felt like heaven. You had been imagining this exact situation while touching yourself in the bathroom stalls in the lab. “Mm peter” you moan. “Fuck yeah baby.. I love it when you moan my name. Its so hot” he whispers. His warm breath on your cunt send sends shivers up your spine. You moan as he flicks his tongue on your folds. You grab is beautiful long hair. He can tell youre close so he goes faster. “Oh baby… fuck im gonna cum.” you gasp. He looks in your eyes while he is eating you out. “Come on sweetheart- come on, cum in my mouth. I want to taste you.” With him saying that, it made you cum the hardest you ever had. “Mm that was so hot..good job..” he then gives you a kiss. Your breathing eases. “Calm down baby.. I got you, i got you.” he gives you another kiss. “Let me wash you off. I love you so, so, so much.”

AUTHORS NOTE

i loveeed writing this chapter omg!!! The smut felt too early?? But he only ate her out it wasnt like actual p in v shit. DID YALL LIKE IT? ***DID N O T PROOF READ *******

#001 fluff #stranger things #stranger things s4 #001 smut #eddie my beloved #one stranger things #peter ballard #vecna stranger things #001 x y/n #001 #henry creel #001 stranger things #not proofread

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thewickerking · 2 years

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i think its a bit silly (awful. its awful) that as i stsrt focusing on planning to connect with family (my salvadoran family as well as my dads family on the other side of the country) the family i actually have access to falls apart. there used to be seven people in my house and now there are four. none of those three are better off they are mostly worse and im terrified that none of these three children are going to be able to avoid living horrible lives. i don't think theres a future where my brother lives past 20 something and also doesnt go to jail. i genuinely cant see anything that stops either of those things from happening and its horrible. my aunt is testifying against my mother in court and my grandmother learned people were going to take my cousins away from my mother and she ran without a word and wont stop calling my mother to whine about how hard she has it. My mom isnt answering her calls. my moms bfs family has been shittalking behind our backs and something. really fucking shitty they did has come to light (will not elaborate) im just. exhausted. i want to connect with family and with my cousins living with us that was happening and fuck. fuck. just. they were loved. so so much here and they can never come back and it doesnt matter whats fair or right or just and fuck. my dog is scared of fireworks and she stayed in the room my cousins were in because she loved spending time with them. my sisters favorite word is the name of one of my cousins and they dont get it. they dont get that theyre never coming back. fuck. it feels like theres no light at the end of the tunnel. i cant even imagine recovery from what happened this weekend and i wasnt around for any of it until today. normally i can imagine myself a month after something bad happens and know itll get better but i do think it only gets worse from here. obviously it will get better for me personally im going to college and im excited but i genuinely cant think of anything in the world that would break my mother more thwn whats happened. i literally think my brother dying would've been easier to handle than this. and i doooont want to specify too much bc personal details and like. one of the worst things thats ever happening to my family rn and no one knows what to do other than what weve done already which is a short term solution to a very long term problem. i cant do anything and i cant even be reassured someone else is doing something i cant because no one knows what to do and my mom hasnt even told everyone yet. we had aquarium tickets. wild waves tickets. they were signed up for summer camps. we were doing everything and now theyre with strangers and are probably going to slowly enter a downward spiral of life repeating the cycle of my shitty fucking family and any attempts on our end to rescue them from that were fruitless. fuck. at least we vaccinated them. thats literally all i can say. anyways im going to bed ive been crying all day and i have work tomorrow

#sorryyyy for the long vent posts i literally havent done anything but work and cry today (sometimes both!)#.ares #vent #ask to tag

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insanebirddog · 2 months

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Story idea!

Ok, hello! so, i have a story idea and i have zero clue if i should ever make it a reality. Im jus gonna share it here cause i can, and if youd like to see this made into an actual project there'll be a poll thing you can click on.

The basic thing is its abt trauma, the effects, responses, coping mechs [bad and good], how its different for each person even if they go through the same thing, and that basically no matter if someone has it worse ur response/trauma is still valid. and itll also focus on mental illness, making sure not to romantisice or stereotype it, since ppl seem to think you can only act/look a certain way if you have a specific mental illness. i think you get it, yeah?

so instead of characters, i was thinking i could do a dnd type session thing with a group of people, because i havent been through everything and cant acturatlly describe anybody elses responses theyd always be effected by how i cope/act, so id put a group together and it'd basically be group therapy but cooler. I've always hated group therapy tbh, but this sounds like something i wouldnt actually dred. for the people/players of the session they would have their own character designs, made by them thats basically a physical manifestions of their traumas and the effect it had on them. we'd say we're put in a specific situation, seeing how youd react to it, and basically just cool ways of helping w/ trauma and shit for the players. when the sessions are done, each person/player would write or animate how the session went, from their perspective. how they thought others felt, how they themself felt, what happened, yada yada you get it. basically, journalling how the session went. what helped in certain situations what didnt, and i think it'd be cool to have each player not share said journaling with other people in the project just so its to see how everyone reacted do to truama responses and all that, ofc if theres any "i thought this person was really upset with me/angry at me" or "this thing someone else did hurt me" it'll be resolved next session or behind the scenes if people want that instead. and ofc to keep it from being stressful/anxiety giving/uncomfortable we'll have light hearted sessions too, that also storywise reminds you life goes on no matter what, even if you yourself arent focused on the present. now ofc, theres quite a few ways this idea can go toxic for the group so i'll always have to put precausions in place like if a sessions getting too heated ill have to put it on pause and basically be THE therapist friend and all that but thats easy.

if i ever do make this a reality im ofc gonna have to think of ways to not retruamatize people, how each situation thing would work, and the overall story-line would have to be made but i think yall get it. this is just the very base of the basic idea, i daydream abt it all the time. I feel like for me personally, id have a better experience with something like this rather then normal group therapy.

Sadly, i cant do more then keeping this poll going for a week, i dont have the people to focus on my rambles to know if this would actually be a good idea but i say fuck it we ball, ill send it to the disc server lol

#childhood truama #trauma #mental illness #story #writing #animation #story ideas #project ideas #tumblr polls

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self-h-rmageddon · 3 months

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i used to be able to just like. yap for eternity like, it was my favorite thing ever!!

just go somewhere and TALK talk alone, talk for no one, talk til i had nothing to say anymore but recently ive noticed it makes me feel.. worse? like. i was supposed to just JERK OFF AND GO TO BED like . at 9 pm last night 💀 and i stayed up til like 3 am, ive just been talkin and i watched a movie, that was nice.. i miss it? something inside of me is really really sad right now and i cant quite figure out why. its like a weird puzzle, trying to navigate my brain cuz like i KNOW something wrong, but what? whats bothering me? idont understand. maybe im scared of annoying people again, but.. was i scared of that before too? i dont remember if i was or not. what do i even miss? i dont know, i miss? i dont know what i miss. i miss something, probably

maybe thats whats bothering me, i feel like ive lost something, do i feel like ive lost the ability to be comfortable just.. talking ? maybe a little.. some people followed me after i posted my spamton art and anytime that sort of thing happens, i always feel . i feel so horribly guilty!!! youve followed me for that, not to hear me chatter endlessly about whatever comes to my mind. i know i shouldnt care, but im just scared of annoying people, cuz i really do love to talk!!! i love talking about things i like, but.. something is holding me back? it feels like it, i dont know why. i think its just mental barriers. i was so up front and proud of how much i love spamton g spamton, how much i love A LOT of characters. then i made friends and i felt ashamed and embarrassed. is that all it takes? once you have a set of eyes on you that matters, you fold? i feel like that about a lot of things, maybe thats one of the reasons ive been quieter than im used to being

i think im scared, i think it scares me to imagine ever saying anything and having them be like. "eugh." like?? death id prefer death. without them even asking for it ive just kinda cut bits and pieces off to save myself from POTENTIAL rejection, the. i just want to be someone that is adored, as selfish as it is, of course ill change to get that

i think it sorta.. i . its hard to explain, but loving people when you have bpd feels like you will never ever be loved equally, because i have endless devotion and admiration, theres hardly a single thing i dont love about the people i care about, to the point where its a fault. ive let people get away with terrible things, just cuz i loved them so much i didnt care what happened to me. and sometimes it hurts real bad when i remember that the way i love isnt normal, no one could ever love me like that. its why im on edge, the fear of saying something wrong, the fear of cracking this image. they like me, dont they? what if i say something wrong and for even a small second they like me just a little bit less? it makes me chest hurt just thinking about it, its terrifying. if they like me less for a second, maybe.. the rose tinted glasses will shatter, maybe theyll realize im not all that great, maybe itll be over, gone, DONE. finished, ended . dead. i dont want that, its logical to do everything i can to avoid that right?

terrible fate, thats how i see it. the end of all things. worst possible thing to ever happen to me. id rather relive all my trauma over again than lose anyone, id rather anything else. the way i feel is extreme, but. im known for that i guess 💀 its fear, im scared. scared, what if im annoying? i get afraid of annoying STRANGERS, of course im terrified to annoy my best friends. annoying, maybe when im talking to myself about shit they dont care about, its just filler words. garbage, static , words from my mouth and it means nothing to them. isnt that thought so scary? it is to me, i hang on to every word, every stupid joke, every laugh and .

what do i feel now? im working myself up over something that hasnt even happened. ive upset myself over the IDEA of a problem, the thought that maybe something might be wrong. whatever. i think i have this intense loathing for myself, thats the thing?

with bpd, you split. yr thinking isnt clear, its black and white. painful, so painful, but.. im not some mindless monster that just lashes out. thats terrifying, id have no one if i did that right? so i split on myself instead, all that anger and pain is directed at me from inside, it rips me apart. suddenly i can see every flaw, every annoying thing ive ever done every awkward sentence, every joke that didnt land. every opportunity, every single thing that could take it all away from me. as innocent as they are it seems like genuinely theres these big ugly lacerations on my body every time i feel like im possibly maybe not being as charming as id hope to be, ugly scars that ward people off, my blood gets everywhere and it grosses them out, they scoot away an inch for every cut. i know its not true.. i make friends with good people!! the best people, it just.. its what im scared of, which in my eyes means that its true because if im scared of it, there msut be a reason why im scared ofit? it must be actively happening! every rejection of my being is a step closer to abandonment, i g

ive been doing really good, i think. im not so scared of being abandoned because ive been reassured over and over again and i dont have the heart to think past all that work thats been done for me. ive hardly thought about it, anytime i get scared i just remember the things that have been said to me, how secure my place is here. its true, surely.. but this fear is natural for me. its 2nd nature, this fear puts actions in motion to prevent abandonment. fear keeps me safe, keeps me in that little box i think people want me in. the little box that says im okay! im a good person, every aspect of me they can see in the box is enjoyable, who cares if i feel like i need to cut some pieces off to fit there?

i know in my heart its not what they want. im moving too fast, im bracing again. i just get scared, maybe im just needy. what, i need eyes on me? need to feel seen and appreciated with everything i do? if nothing else, at least THAT is 100% selfish, ive been doing better recently... but sometimes its hard not to fall back on those instincts

#this is so long guhh #just. need it off my chest so i can forget about it already #if i forget it wont hurt me until the next time i remember

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gdays · 2 years

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6/14/2022

Well it's been 3 months since I've posted here, but maybe I'll start again!

I broke up with gin about a month and a half ago, maybe 2. Things were getting worse and worse between us and I couldn't do it anymore. He was extremely toxic after the break up (grabbed my face to force me to kiss him, posted a ton of mean stuff about me, still continues to beg me to fuck him while also posting mean things about me, and more). I'm honestly just relieved that I'm single again! But today he emailed me(hes blocked everywhere else) saying he really wants to tell everyone all my secrets but that he wont. I feel like its gunna be blackmail for him to use to try to get me to come see him at his aunt's house. I really hope not.

Since the breakup, I had a brief fwb thing with this guy greg but it turned out he doesnt support black lives matter so I cut him off. I've also been sleeping with and seeing willem, the person me and gin had a 3 way with at one point, and I've become the fwb to mike and kim, the couple I met off whisper who are super cool. I'm in love with willem, I cant stop thinking about them and we actually do go out on dates and cuddle and stuff but we've talked about how we wanna take things really slow and not get into any serious kind of relationship so they dont know I love them and I'm gunna keep taking things slow and just treasuring any time I get with them. Willem lives in souix city so I drive up to visit them about once a week and I look forward to it so much every time.

I've realized I'm really liking this seeing multiple people thing so I think I'm gunna stop allowing myself to get into monogamous relationships and I'm going to be poly for good. I've always said I can either be poly or monogamous but I think monogamy isn't for me. I talked to willem about it and they said they dont want anything monogamous either, so if they do become my partner (I really really hope so) I've already had that talk with them about it!

I'm so so so happy now that im out of the relationship with gin. Of course I loved him and I do think about him/miss him from time to time, but the lack of toxicity in my life has been wonderful. I do what I want when I want and I dont have to answer to anyone. I am allowed to actually have private things that are only for me and that never happened when I was with gin. Like I dont feel obligated to tell my various partners about everything going on because some of it is just for me and i love that!! Plus I get so much alone time that I had craved when gin lived here. It's amazing.

I also recently had my left hand surgery for the carpel tunnel and my right hand is coming up at the end of the month. My left is finally not keeping me up all night, it's only the right one that does now, so I'm confident that after the second surgery I'll actually get a good nights sleep after all this time of having this damn carpet tunnel!

Im still at red lobster and I love it just as much as before. Im also going to metro for culinary school starting in september and I'm hoping that'll get me a better paying cooking job! I'd get to do what I love and make extra money, itll be so great if I can make it thru the school part! I really hope so honestly, it's only supposed to take 2 years if you go full time. This first semester I'm only taking 3 classes but after that I'm supposed to be on a full time schedule. I know mom and dad would still support me and still let me live here if I do end up needing to take longer than 2 years for culinary school tho, which is great. Oh and also they're not making me move out until I'm done with school so I'll be here for quite a while longer, but honestly I'm grateful. Moving is extremely stressful, plus if I went to school and had to work full time to try to make rent too I just know I'd end up quitting school due to the stress. So my parents are doing me a colossal favor by letting me stay until I'm out of school. I'm eternally grateful.

Now that I'm thinking of it, maybe I should get them a big gift for letting me stay! I could start paying for a disney plus subscription that they can use and then maybe get something nice for them both separately too. I am absolutely gunna do that cuz I don't show them enough that I love them anyways.

Mady is nonbinary and using they or she for pronouns. They say they're officially done with Darius (they had gotten back together for a while) and she actually hasn't seen him for like a month now and shes seeing some other dudes, so maybe she really wont take d bag back! But I wont keep my hopes up on that. Them and Taylor moved in together but both are really struggling to make rent because they dont have jobs like mine where the paycheck is consistent since doordash doesnt give a regular pay to the drivers, they just make money based off of each delivery and it's not that much money compared to the insane gas prices right now ($4.80 a gallon today when I went to fill up). I'm worried for mady especially because she is planning on trying to live alone when their lease is up in a few months even tho she cant afford to live with a roommate. I hope she decides to come stay with us for a while before getting a new places because idk how she could afford it. I know this sounds bad, but I really hope they meet a nice rich man who will take care of them and let her be a stay at home mom like they've always wanted. Like that's been mady's dream since she was a kid and I think being a mom is the only passion they've ever really had so I hope it happens for them soon so that they dont have to keep struggling to hold a job when their autism already makes that extremely difficult.

Max is going to uno in the fall instead of Lincoln because he hates it there. I'm happy for him, I think more of his friends are here in Omaha so being here will be good for him I think.

Also 2 days ago the family got a new dog named ellie short for eloise 😁shes so fucking tiny, a little 10 year old maltese. Shes been sticking to her little dog bed since she got here, but she'll slowly warm up to us I believe.

#ellie #willem #gin #mady #max #red lobster #culinary school

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a-libra-writes · 3 years

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hello, i am here! Stannis with the prompt: a diary where you can communicate with your soulmate, please. it can be hc's or scenario; however you choose to quench my thirst for him, I will be grateful.

hi molly, thank u for giving me such a treat!!! bc this was my first prompt and it... uh ....................

really got away from me

(LOTS OF ANGST BUT ITLL BE OK I PROMISE MAYBE)

The first thing he felt about it was annoyance. The six year old second son of Lord Baratheon looked down and saw that someone had doodled all over his book. He figured it was Robert, though he'd never seen a quill in his brother's hand unless it was being forced by the maester. He set the leather bound book in front of his mother expectantly, silently waiting for an explanation. When she looked at it and gave him a curious glance, he finally spoke.

"Robert's been drawing in it," Stannis said. He placed it right on top of her embroidery so she'd see. Lady Cassana wasn't bothered, rather, she was curious. She picked up the book and flipped through the pages.

"Did you see him do it, sweetling?"

"No." The lack of evidence didn't deter him - no, this was evidence enough. He didn't understand what his mother was so amused about.

Lady Cassana stopped on one of the pages. She smiled at the messy drawing of what was probably a cat catching a mouse. Under that was a tidy little castle with a series of smiling figures. "I don't think it's your brother, Stannis."

Stannis frowned, ready to argue that fact, but she asked, "Do you know what a soulmate is, sweetling?"

“No.”

“It’s a special person that only you can speak with this way,” She touched the book. “It's a special thing, I did it when I was your age. It’s the will of the gods, my love. You should write something back."

He hesitated. “Do I… have to?”

“Not if you don’t want to. But perhaps say hello, give it a try.” Lady Cassana said. She was smiling broadly now. “Enjoy it while you can.”

"What if they're not literate?"

Maester Cressen looked up from his papers, surprised the usually quiet boy was speaking during lessons. Stannis repeated, “What if my… soul mate doesn’t know their letters? You said the smallfolk don't."

The Maester stood and walked over to the leather book. Two years later, and it still looked in good condition. Stannis took care of this things, especially this. As usual the page was covered in whimsical drawings.

“Have you tried to write to them, my lord?”

“Not yet.” Stannis was furrowing his brow already, wanting his questions answered. “What happens if one soul mate can’t write, but the other can? What if both can't?"

“My lord, there's no need to worry about things that are irrelevant to you.”

“What do the smallfolk do?” Stannis pressed on. “Draw pictures like this? How do they find each other? How do they know what the other person looks like?"

Maester Cressen was already turning back to his papers. “Soulmates don’t always find each other, my lord, nor should they expect to.”

“Why not?”

“Distance, lack of communication, familial duties.” The maester said dismissively. “If you’ll return to your lessons—”

“I finished. What’s the point of soulmates if they can never meet?"

Maester Cressen sighed. There was no escaping this anytime soon, he feared. “It’s the will of the gods, my lord, and a great mystery we maesters have studied for centuries. It’s best not to think much of it, however. Draw or write back in the book, if you wish, but do not spend too much time with it. It’s best not to get expectations of someone you will likely never meet.”

Stannis looked down at the book, startled by a new drawing already appearing. He couldn’t see them being made, only when they were finished. It was a school of fish, or maybe a flock of birds. Wouldn’t it be simple to ask where this person lived, and go see them? What was the point of all this if he was just meant to ignore it? He wanted to ignore it, but this mysterious person kept drawing all over his notes and it was distracting.

“Mother said it’s 'the will of the gods', too. Does that mean it’s bad to ignore it?”

The maester stood up and closed the leather book. He replaced it with a chart of various colorful coat of arms and a map. “I daresay it’s time to move on to the next lesson."

It took him a few days, but the lordling decided to write in the book. Stannis wasn't much of an artist, so Hello seemed like a good start. He was relieved when there was a simple ‘hello!’ written back within a few minutes, and later, a scribbly flower with a long stalk underneath. Seeing the words form on their own so quickly, and in response to him, unnerved Stannis. He closed the book and tried not to think about it the rest of the day.

He checked a week later, where more drawings were present, with more words: whats your nam?

He wrote back, Name has an 'e'.

And before his eyes, a minute later, there was a name… and a house, and a title. Caspian.

She was a highborn lady? Stannis looked at the page, not sure what to think about it. It’d be alright to write to a lady, wouldn’t it? Maester Cressen was the one worried about this soulmate business. Perhaps it was because a lord and peasant couldn’t be together? Stannis knew that rule already. He knew the decorum and niceties his parents rehearsed him through, even at his young age. He walked to the library to find a map, and in the time he finally located it and rolled it out, there was more on the page.

A drawing of something weird and arrow-shaped. this is our sigil. its a manta ray.

Stannis had never seen one, but he had a sense that wasn’t what they looked like. He tried looking through the map, but words kept appearing.

whats your nam where are you from? ?? are you a boy or girl do you like horses ? I like swiming and horses! im good at it

He considered closing the book again, rolling up the map, going back to whatever he was doing before. If there was no point, then why bother with this? ... Then again, he’d have to go back to the training yard, and Robert was there swinging around a huge wooden sword.

Stannis frowned, deciding this was the less annoying (and painful) activity for now. He found an ink pot and quill, held it tightly and wrote in a fine penmanship—

My name is Stannis Baratheon.

The last part smudged, and it didn’t look exactly how his father signed it, but it was his best. The response wasn’t immediate, and he quickly saw why. A drawing of a stag appeared on the paper before the words did.

Its good to meat you! lets be friends

Friends? Friends. He thought about it. Stannis didn’t have friends, just brothers. He didn’t think he needed any. This didn’t have to be so bad, though, he could try. If it was too tiresome, or too... strange, he could stop. Maester Cressen wanted him to stop, anyhow, and his mother said he didn't have to.

It’s spelled ‘meet’. We can be friends.

Lady Cassana patted his mess of black hair, and Stannis didn’t flinch away this time. Instead, he asked, “Were you and father soulmates?”

“No,” She answered honestly. She was always honest, and he liked that. His father joked too much. “Do you remember what I told you about duty? Sometimes we have to set aside our hearts to best serve our realm. Sometimes we have to set aside this.”

She gave the leather book back to him. Maester Cressen had taken it, and he was determined to accept the punishment, but it bothered him more than he wanted to say. He was grateful his mother returned it, though he was struggling to meet her eyes. His ears were still red from embarrassment, but she wasn’t upset, or teasing, or scolding.

“It hurt me to set my own down, but I knew it wasn’t meant to be. Your father had one that he never wrote to. The idea of having it and setting it aside was too much for him. And yet, we love each other very much, and we love our sons.” Lady Cassana stopped touching his hair when he finally squirmed away. Stannis ran his fingers along the leather spine and the uneven parchment bound inside the book.

When he took a long time to answer, she spoke softly. “It’s your decision, Stannis.”

That night, he wrote in the book, asking what she’d do when they grew up. When she'd stop writing. The response was instant. There was a drawing of a sad girl next to her words.

your my friend! i like writing to you. do you want to stop?

I don’t. Stannis decided, and that was it.

The talks still came, though. It happened before, several times, and here it was again. It didn’t matter that he stopped bringing the book to his lessons, or that he only wrote in the privacy of his room. Maester Cressen always seemed to know.

“It’s for your own good that you begin to set it aside, Stannis,” The old man said. He always seemed old, but when he was scolding it was especially so.

Stannis wasn’t one to talk back, but he still struggled to hide his scowl. This wasn’t the first time the maester made him set his jaw and tense it up. It wasn’t his business. She never discouraged it, so he didn’t understand why Maester Cressen had to.

“It’s not inappropriate,” He said. “She’s a lady. I never write improperly, it's like sending letters."

“Sending a strange lady letters is inappropriate,” The Maester sighed. “Especially without the knowledge of her family. What would they say?"

“She could tell them at anytime."

“Do you tell your lord father and lady mother all that you write, then?”

Stannis gritted his teeth and turned away. At ten and three, Stannis could already see over the old man’s head, and he didn't feel like a child, so he didn't appreciate being talked to like one. “You don’t speak to Robert about these matters.”

“Robert is at the Eyrie, no doubt being told the same by Lord Arryn. Stannis, do you understand why I say these things? Do you understand the trouble it could cause you, and worse, her?”

Maester Cressen often referred to ‘her’, or the girl, even if she was just as grown as Stannis. He didn't ask her identity, and Stannis didn't give it. He hated having to hear this conversation again. Of all the trouble Robert was already causing in the Eyrie — he saw those letters, it was his duty to attend to them while his parents were at sea — Stannis felt like his own actions were hardly important. There would be weeks where he couldn’t write to her at all, or she was busy as well. If anyone tried to read what they wrote, gods forbid, it was mostly idle talk and drawings.

Lots and lots of drawings, she still had that habit. She was getting very good at them. Stannis brought his mind back to the present. “I understand.” He said, in a tone that made it clear he didn’t actually intend to stop.

Case in point, he pulled out the worn leather book that evening. It was the second, or maybe the third one. If she didn’t draw so much they’d have more room, but sometimes Stannis wrote a lot, too. She made it easy to do that. It was alright if she didn’t answer right away, or if at all. It was good to just write it.

He frowned as he moved to the most recent page. It was a short, curt sentences, which wasn’t like her. There were no pictures.

My cousin died this morning. We were riding together, and she fell from her horse. I couldn’t help her. No one blames me, but I feel terrible. I’ve been crying all day. I’m going to the Godswood tonight to pray for forgiveness. I might be quiet. I'm sorry.

‘I might be quiet’. ‘I might not write tonight.’ ‘I’ll write to you tomorrow’. ‘I’ll tell you about it when I can’. Those were phrases the two of them were used to. It was expectant. They may not write every day, or every week, but eventually they will.

Take the time you need. I’ll be here for you.

It made his chest hurt to write that, but he knew it was the right thing. It’s what she would always say to him, and without fail, he’d eventually come around and tell her. She was the only one he really told… anything. He wondered if the same was true for her. She mentioned visiting ladies now and again, a knight’s daughter she played with, and… this cousin.

He kept the book beside him the rest of the evening, knowing she likely wouldn’t respond. By the time she did, the earlier conversation with the maester had left his mind.

The longest they’d gone without writing was during the following year. It took months before he could pick the book up again, even look at it. It was months using all the willpower he had to get out of bed and carry on. There was Renly to look after, and Storm’s End to attend to, and the duties that Robert neglected when he returned to the Eyrie. He should have stayed, but he didn’t. So Stannis took care of it. He did what was right.

When he was finally able to pick up the book, when the choking pain keeping him up at night had dulled to just a constant ache that allowed sleep now and again, he hesitated.

The latest page was inquiries of how he was, where he was. There was a variety of pictures, black and some colors she’d managed to get ahold of. Her manta rays looked like proper rays, and so did the stags she had become so fond of. She drew some ships she’d seen in the harbor, a cat that liked to hide away in her bedroom. Then the pictures stopped.

My father told me what happened. Stannis, I’m here. You can write to me, whenever you can. I’ll always be here.

It hurt again. He closed the book, listened to the fire flickering loudly in the hearth in his room. It was becoming stuffy, but he didn’t want to open a window. He could hear the waves and the crashes against the rock from his window, and that would lead to the sounds of broken wood and screams in his sleep.

He moved closer to the fire, away from those sounds. Flipping through the old book’s pages, looking at the art and some of the sillier things she wrote. Apparently when he’d make her laugh, she’d screw up some letters. She told him as much. When he corrected any spelling, she liked to make the same mistake and circle it. She liked to draw little figures that were supposed to be them, but it was awful on purpose, and they were usually doing something ridiculous like riding a dragon.

Looking back on those gave him the strength to flip to the newest page. He stared at it, wondering if he should stop. He was acting Lord of Storm’s End. Wasn’t his duty even more important than this, and wasn’t her reputation in danger? ‘Willed by the gods’, they said, but he no longer believed in those. What gods would smash his parents and their great ship against the rocks of their own castle? The same stupid gods that would create this... this connection in a world where it would inevitably be severed.

He gritted his teeth, feeling the pain shoot up across his jaw and straight to his head, where a headache would start. The fire was right there. It would be easy to …

His hands moved on their own. The words were sloppy and left heavy ink blotches on the paper. I’m here.

I am too. I missed you.

The response was near instantaneous. Perhaps if she waited, he could’ve done it. He could’ve burned it, if she hadn’t wrote that. Maybe it didn’t matter what she’d say. The sudden longing and loneliness hit him all at once, but it was easy to respond.

I won’t do it again. Being gone for this long.

A pause, a heartbeat, and a tensing of his jaw that made his head ache again. He added in an anxious scrawl, I missed you too.

It was another sleepless night, but for once, it wasn’t because of the nightmares and the crashing waves. The sun came up as he wrote in the margins of the last page, promising to find a new book.

There was modest wooden box he kept them in, hidden under his bed. He was good at hiding it now. No one had bothered mentioning Stannis’ old habit anymore, assuming he’d grown out of it. He’d dated all of them to the best of his knowledge, though he rarely went back to read them. He used to, but that simple act flustered him horribly. They were still in good condition, except for one that had been partially chewed by a hunting hound. The one time he was careless.

The hound was no longer around, and he regretted that. He liked dogs. He liked that one, upset as he was when she chewed the diary years ago. She was still a good, loyal dog. He had to butcher her with the rest.

Stannis tried to remember when they ate the dogs. Thinking was a slow, laborious process now. He had to sit down to do it, and getting up was even worse. He stayed standing as long as possible, afraid of what would happen if he stopped. He couldn’t stop, not while his men needed him, and Renly, and Robert.

He moved slowly. It was hard to tell if it was to conserve energy or if he simply had no energy left. Stannis carefully unwrapped the small leather strap that kept the diary bound and closed. His shaking hands struggled to grasp the paper and turn the pages, but he managed. It was the writing that was the hardest. At least there was plenty of paper and ink, only because no one could eat it.

When he looked at the page again, the lighting was different. The candle was lower than before. He’d dropped his quill on the floor — no, he was on the floor, leaning against the cool stone. Stannis didn’t remember falling. He wasn’t sure if he passed out, or fell asleep. Again he turned to the proper page and picked up the quill. He tried to write before he remembered he needed ink. The ink dragged across the page as he wrote languidly, Are you there

The question mark was more of an ugly splotch that spread across the paper.

Yes, always.

Her family supported the rebellion, being sworn to Eddard Stark, and outraged at what the Mad King had done to his father and brother. Stannis told himself it made writing easier, not that he’d ever give her any information that could endanger her. Early on, they didn’t speak of it. Especially now, he couldn’t. He couldn’t…

He couldn’t… think. Stannis struggled for words. He mentioned what day it was, how many men he had left. A log that helped keep him grounded, something he hated to subject her to, but he needed the clarity. Sometimes she corrected him on the day, and that startled him. As he finished his short report, his hand trembled, and he dropped the quill again. Stannis exhaled, forcing the air through his lungs, then struggled to breath in again.

Not for the first time, he wondered if this was dying.

He wasn’t sure how much time passed before he looked at the page again. She wrote a lot, and he couldn’t remember when it was there.

When you make it through this disgusting siege — and you will make it, Stannis — I’ll be there. I swear it, I’ll sail down to Storm’s End with my family’s ships. I don’t care anymore. I want to be there.

She’d said as much before, when this started. Stannis discouraged her. He didn’t have the strength for that anymore. Instead, he fought to keep his eyes open, fought to think about it, difficult as thinking was. Thinking of their meeting used to be a surefire way of a day full of anxious thoughts, but now it was… grounding. He couldn’t see the end of the rebellion, or the end of this siege. He just had to endure it. That’s what Robert said: Endure it, brother. Hold it for me.

But he could see her, in his thoughts. He could try. Some years ago, she asked what he looked like, and he responded as such: Blue eyes, black hair, like his father and brothers. Asking the same of her felt… strange. She didn’t answer right away, so he panicked. He said she didn’t have to do such a thing. It was inappropriate. She told him to wait, which he thought was odd.

Several hours later, she took up nearly a whole page with a ‘messy’ self-portrait: her words, not his. It was only a bust, but it still transfixed him. It was clear from the drawing she had looked in a mirror, and it was messy, and it was surrounded by words describing her hair color and her favorite dress and her eyes. Stannis couldn’t look at the page for days after that. He’d break out in a sweat just thinking about it.

It was comforting to think about the old picture now. Maybe 'comforting' wasn’t the right word, but she was the one who was good with words, and pictures, and little fantasies like this. She liked to write about what they could do if they met.

Maybe he took too long to respond again. She had written more. We’ll meet and you’ll show me the drum walls around Storm’s End. You promised. I’ll bring my best paintings, I made one for you. I don’t care if it’s allowed or not, it’s a gift. I want to see you so badly it hurts.

Stannis touched the letters. He was startled by how his pale hands seemed to blend into the parchment. He didn’t recognize the knuckles sticking out. He wondered what she sounded like, and how she laughed. He didn’t think he could manage it now. Stannis glanced around for the quill, dipped it into ink with a great deal of effort, and slowly slid it across the paper. He stopped abruptly, ruining the words.

You’re the strongest, most noble man I know. You will make it through this and the rebellion will end, and I’ll be with you. I swear it before the old gods and new.

The ink seeped into the paper, the quill trembled in his hand as he tried to hold it properly. He was dying, he decided. Only dying men ate disgusting leather they tried to boil into water and infected rats. Even the latter was becoming scarce. He scrawled a response, struggling to pull the words together.

I miss you.

I miss you too, Stannis.

#tihs is so self indulgent kfskfks #pls dont expect the other prompts to be this long haha i just went kinda nuts!!#stannis baratheon x reader #libra fics #libra minis

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goremet-chef · 10 months

Text

me feeling guilty for not saving someone in my dream like i

if i knew what was going on i wouldve got him im so sorry man if it happened too fast and i shouldve known i shouldve called out or grabbed him but i just panicked and ran and he fucking died because of me

i know i shouldnt be so upset, it was only a dream, but

my dreams are very vivid, and it doesnt help that like. when im stressed, i dissociate, and my brain tends to wander to the worst possible scenario, and itll stick. i find it really really hard to pull myself out of it because to me, what happens in my head seems just as real, maybe even MORE real than what happens irl

so even if its been hours since the stressful event, i might still be just as stressed (maybe even more stressed) because im stuck in a "what if" scenario that will play itself out fully and its hard to shake it off

that happened in my dream, something bad happened at our highschool and even after i escaped and ran to my friends house, i was in her house and crying and begging for her help because i could still hear the screams and shit even though i was far away and safe

i think THATS what really fucked with me, my brain playing off of my own trauma response and applying it to my dreams just made it so real, cuz yeah i am stuck in horrible events typically, any time they happen im stuck there even after they end, stuck in a spiral of what couldve happened if things got worse you feel me?

even after im awake and its been several hours i still feel that same dread, its making it hard to breathe

the worst part? the dream was so good at first. i was friends with a youtuber i watch and we went to school together and i sat with his friends on the first day cuz he invited me and they were accepting of me being trans and i fit right in immediately as one of the guys. i was so happy man. it felt so fucking good to just be seen as i am, for someone to be EXCITED to know me, even if i was new

its something i struggle with constantly, i just never really fit in no matter where i go. even when i make friends, and things seem to be going great, ill second guess myself and step away. ill perceive rejection where there isnt any and ill assume they dont want me around, etc. its a never ending cycle of me being unable to keep anything good, its so.

AGGRAVATING it suck ass. sometimes its not even me! i know i say this a lot but i mean it genuinely when i say that normal people find me offputting and weird immediately. there is no second guessing, there is no oh maybe ill get to know him, NO. i freak people out with my mannerisms alone, and its really sad. i didnt have hardly any friends in highschool since i moved from my hometown to go, i made a total of 4 over the course of 3 years, and of those 4, 3 moved away. my last year was the saddest loneliest thing ever, all my teachers thought i was depressed and thought i wanted to kill myself so they were all nice to me and checking on me. it was so humiliating? to be so isolated that people NOTICE yr isolated

nevermind when i started hallucinating, that was soo great 😁 really loved that era /s

my life has been drowned out with such a profound loneliness that i dont even know where to start to combat it. it hurts my heart to think about it. to think about the jealousy and embarrassment i felt for the longest time when i realized my closest friends, my ONLY friends, had friends outside of me. that no matter what, even in a group as weird as us, id be the weirdest and i wouldnt be as charming as them, i couldnt keep a conversation like them and so all i had was them

now i do have other friends, but its still.. i dont know how to talk. and i know i make posts like this every once and a while but i guess im just? im a very low maintenance friend i guess. if we're friends, i will always like you. if we dont fall out in some sort of way, i will always hold you close to my heart. even if we dont talk much, i still love you

i dont really know how to like? ENGAGE i struggle with engaging. im alone all the time so i just talk about myself and my things in my own channel, i live through my characters most of my day. i feel like i might be a bad friend? as much as i like to insist i can handle someone and i know what its like to feel rejection and shit cuz of bpd, i think im still not good. i dont know how to engage with someone, i wanna have a meaningful conversation but if its not about my stuff, im bad at responding. i care!! i swear i do, i just dont know how to make that super clear, cant ask questions cant do any of that i just try to make it clear that i want to hear more yknow? i guess im just used to talking nonstop to myself so i just figure thats how other people like to have conversations too, but i think im wrong

idk it sucks. my heart is heavy today. im gonna try and draw cuz i want to but theres just so many things. im stressed, is all

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fiftyshadesgrl · 3 years

Text

SAFE

This is a new series I'm doing. I hope everyone likes it! If you want tagged just let me know.

My lungs were burning, my legs ached and I felt another cramp coming on, but i kept running. My life depended on it, I had to get as far away from him as i possibly could. I couldnt let him find me, if he found me i was dead. He already messed me up pretty good before i was able to escape and i was extremely lucky to have done that with some bruises and cuts. The heat of the day was starting to get to me and I knew I had to stop soon and hydrate, but i had no idea where to go.

I turned down another street and ducked behind some bushes, but I didnt stay long because of the barking from an obviously large dog sounded not to far from my hiding place. I jumped out and kept running until I saw a wooden fence, it didnt look to high and there was a large rock laying right against it. I jumped up on the rock and began to pull myself up but I slipped the first time and the fence cut my left hand. "Shit." I whispered, but that didnt stop me. I was going to be in much worse shape if he found me. I gathered all my strength and hoisted myself up and over the fence. I landed on my side on some kind of hard concrete, it knocked the wind out of me and just happened to be the side where the deepest slash was from the knife my ex wielded earlier. I saw a large pool about twenty feet from where I lay, I crawled across the stone that I'm guessing was someone's deck, inch by inch I slowly made it to the edge of the pool.

I had a empty water bottle with me and I dipped it in the pool to gather some water. I brought it to my lips and it never tasted so good. I didnt care that it was pool water, I didnt even know who's pool it was but really they cant be to bad if they lived here. I glanced behind me and cringed at the bloody trail I left crawling across the stone. Gonna have to clean that up before I get moving again. I spotted a huge awning right next to the house with a wonderful shade just begging for me to come rest under it. I filled my water bottle again and this time was able to limp to the shade. I didnt see any movement in the house so maybe its owners were going to be gone for a while. The shade felt so amazing, I sat down right against the cool bricks of the house and leaned my head back. My eyes began to drift shut no matter how hard I tried to keep them open. "Just a little rest." I whispered to myself, "just....five.....minutes."

2 hours later

"Dude, come on! You gotta let us throw you a congrats party!" Jensen said to Jared through the phone.

Jared rubbed his hand over his face in frustration, "no I dont. I'm just not in the mood for it man."

"Jared, it's been almost a year since she left. Shes out there living her life, you need to do the same." Jensen was Jared's best friend, and the only one who seemed to get through to jared since his divorce.

Jared sighed, "I know." Was all he said. He walked over to the fridge and grabbed a water.

"Then let us throw you a party. You just landed a huge role as Walker, let's celebrate brother!" Jared couldnt help but chuckle at Jensen's enthusiasm. "You know I'm not going to leave you alone til you agree."

Jared sighed, "I know, I guess a party wont be so bad."

"Awesome, itll be next saturday at your place."

"Wait, i thought if you're throwing the party it would be at your place."

Jensen laughed, "well we thought about that, but if we had it at your house you cant just stay for an hour then bail."

Jared snorted, "you really think I'd bail out on you?"

"I know you would. Danneel really is hoping this will bring you out of your funk." Jensen paused for a moment and jared knew what he was going to say next. "She wants to invite some of her single friends to the party. You never know, you might hit it off with someone."

"She can invite whoever she wants to, but dont do it on my account. I'm only doing this because you're my best friend and I dont want to hurt your wife's feelings. Like I said a million times before I'm not interested in dating anyone right now." Jared pulled out a few take out menus and thumbed through them, not really looking at anything in particular. He walked over to the glass door that led to the backyard and froze. "What the hell?" Jared spotted the blood trail on his back patio, "dude let me call you back." He didnt wait for Jensens reply just hung up.

He grabbed his hand gun he keeps in the drawer in the entryway and flipped the safety off. Slowly unlocking the door and turning the handle he tried to be as quiet as possible. His bare feet made no sound as he quietly padded across the stone, the blood was long since dried so whatever or whoever came slithering through his backyard should be long gone by now. He didnt let his guard down as he followed the blood trail to the pools edge, but he did flip the safety back on his gun.

He glanced to his left and saw the blood trail didnt end there but it was if whatever made it wasnt slithering anymore but walking. The drops of blood were dried as well and he followed them up until his eyes spotted a barefoot sticking out from under his awning. It was bloodied and dirty but was considerably small. He inched closer and his breath caught in his throat at the sight before him. A woman lay on her side in the shade, her lips were cracked and dried. Her hair, was a tangled mess and she looked as though she hadn't bathed in a week or longer. She clutched an old battered water bottle in her hand as if it was the most precious thing to her. He lowered his gun to his side but was ready for anything, just because she was a woman didnt mean she wasnt here with bad ideas in mind.

Y/N POV

Sleep started to fade away as someone or something was shaking my foot. I scrambled away from the man who was crouched down in front of me. My breathing was rapid and my heart sped up as I saw the gun in his hand.

I guess he understood because he laid the gun on the ground and held out his hands. "Woah, it's okay. I'm not going to hurt you." I had no idea who he was but his eyes were kind, I still didnt trust him though. He looked at my clothes and saw the blood, he made a move towards me but I backed away even more.

"Please, don't hurt me. I'm sorry....I didn't mean stay this long..." I had to get out of here and fast.

"It's okay." He shuffled closer to me, "I promise I'm not going to hurt you. You need a doctor, please let me help you."

I shook my head violently, "no, no I can't go to the doctor. It's not safe, he'll find me."

"Who?" His voice was low and gentle. "Who's going to find you?"

I tried to stand but winced because of my side. The man's hands grabbed my shoulders to steady me. A moment of panic shot through me but his touch was gentle not like Caleb's had been.

"Easy there. Will you at least let me take a look at your wounds?" I wanted to trust him, I wanted to believe him when he said he wouldn't hurt me but I was afraid.

"No, it's okay. If you'll let me fill up my water bottle again and maybe if you have some scraps of food or something, I'll be on my way." He looked at me with pity and something else, I couldnt make it out. Shaking his head he looked at the ground.

"Ill tell ya what, you let me make sure you don't need a hospital by letting me look at your wounds and I'll make you a nice steak dinner." I couldnt help but smile as he did when his eyes met mine. "Might even be a nice hot shower included in that deal."

I thought long and hard on that, a steak dinner made my stomach growl fiercely. I haven't had anything to eat in days. I slowly nodded my head, "okay, I promise I won't stay long though."

He brushed off my words with a wave of his hand. "Dont worry about that. Now let me take a look."

I turned and slowly raised my shirt up on the left side I hissed as my skin pulled and my shirt rubbed against it. "Shit, that's gonna need some stitches." I shook my head as he took his shirt off and placed it against my side. His eyes met mine again as he smiled slightly, "I'm Jared by the way."

I smiled and winced as he put pressure on my side, "I'm y/n. Thank you for helping me."

He nodded and smiled, "is this the worst of it?"

"I cut my hand on your fence, I have some cuts and bruises as you can see but yeah that's it."

The muscle in his jaw clenched visibly as he took my hand in his and inspected it. "This just needs cleaning, it's not to deep." I just nodded, his touch should have some sort of negative feeling but all I feel is kindness and warmth from him. "Come on, let's get this cuts cleaned up I think I may have something we can close the one on your side. Then you can shower while I cook us dinner."

I nod and let him lead me into his house, he walks me upstairs to I'm guessing is his bedroom. Jared leads me into his master bathroom and motions for me to sit on the edge of the bathtub. He gets a first aid kit from under the sink along with towels and washcloths, he put alcohol on one of the washcloths and kneeled in front of me.

"This might sting and I apologize ahead of time." I nodded and he placed it on my palm. "You okay? Does it hurt?"

"I've had worse." I whisper and his jaw clenched again.

I held the washcloth while he got another one and put alcohol on it just like the other. "I need to clean the one on your side. You, um...might have to take your shirt off. I have a towel you can cover yourself with and I'll turn around." He handed me the towel and turn his back, I could see in the mirror he had his eyes closed as well.

It took me a few minutes but I finally got my shirt off and the towel draped over my breasts. "You can look now." I whispered but kept my eyes focused on the floor. I didn't want to see the disgust on his face when he looked at my body.

He kneeled back at my side, "okay, This one is gonna hurt pretty bad so I'm going to count to three okay."

I nodded,

"one, two, three." A yelp escaped my mouth as he placed the cloth on my side. I bit down on the towel to keep from screaming from the intense burn.

"I'm sorry, I'm sorry." He whispered over and over. He used one hand to hold the cloth on my side and the other he was rummaging in the first aid kit. "I have these butterfly bandages, they should work to close this up with."

"Okay." I still didnt want to look at him, I'm sure he was disgusted and I couldnt bear to see that look on his face. "If it needs stitches, I can do it if you have a needle and thread."

"What? You're kidding right?"

I shook my head, "I wouldn't be the first time I have to do it."

He cleared his throat and neither one of us spoke the rest of the time. I don't know how many bandages it took but it seems like I sat there for an hour. Every time I felt his touch I flinched, he kept reassuring me everytime I did.

When he was done he made no movement to stand up. "Y/n, who did this to you?" I stayed silent feeling the tears well up In my eyes. "Y/n, please. Look at me." I shook my head, "look at me."

He placed his fingers under my chin and turned my face towards his. The look I saw on his face wasn't disgust, it was something else."Please tell me, I promise you're safe here with me. I'm not going to hurt you and I'm not going to let anyone else hurt you either."

I swallowed the lump in my throat, I had no intention of telling him but my mouth didn't get that memo. "My ex Caleb. It's been going on for years but I escaped."

Anger flashed across his face but he quickly stowed it away. He leaned over and turned the water on in the bathtub, then he stood and walked back in his bedroom. When he came back he had clothes in his hand that he placed on the counter. "I got you a pair of my shorts and a shirt, the shorts have a drawstring in them so they should fit. There's some shampoo and soap here and extra cloths and towels under here. If you need anything I'll be downstairs fixing dinner."

I nodded and he smiled slightly, he turned to leave and walked to he door. "Jared." He turned back towards me, "thank you, for everything." He nodded then left me to myself.

Part 2>>>>

@missamberv @an-unhealthy-obsession @vicmc624 @tftumblin @justanotherwinchester @jesseswartzwelder @holylulusworld @fangirl199812 @emerloveskate

#jared padalecki smut #jaredpadelcki #jared padalecki #angst

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baekhvuns · 2 years

Note

can i have some encouraging words😞 -🤗

okay hi i did not know how to do this properly because i sat for a good five minutes just looking at this ask because i was afraid that the way i want to say certain things won’t come out a certain way and that they might be taken in a completely different or a negative approach but i’ll try to write this is my first time doing it i’m so sorry if i’m lacking in some thing !!

genuinely don’t know how to write this but if you’re looking for encouragement i would, i won’t be cliché or romanticize the positive aspects because i think looking through negative stuff is also a very healthy approach because certain things happen for a reason. and i know everyone says this yada yada yada and i personally never learn from this bc it keeps happening to me anyway fhwndhsj,, but i later end up realizing while i think about it. yes things happen for a reason, you grow from them. bc as you recite that certain thing again and again, be it at night or randomly throughout the day. u kind of realize how dumb it was, or how it passed so quick. i like to think of it as a sitcom whenevr i feel certain things, if i feel sad— id go “shit that’s a memory id laugh at in future and be glad its gone” and then go on to worry abt it weeks later

if you’re feeling sad or down and u wanna cry at the world, cry it out. bc who are u gonna hide this from??? yourself??? no bc it’ll grow worse, so do it for yourself, cry it, scream be as melodramatic as u can but don’t let it walk with you. once ur out of that room or that feeling, leave it behind and try to look past it, ik it’s hard, i do i rly do. but thinking about something happy or hilariously funny rly helps!!!!

let your emotions out bc who tf cares???? cry as loudly or as quietly as u want, bc at least it’ll make u feel good. bc one bad day doesn’t eliminate all the good days you had, if your tired, rest, have a snack, watch ur comfort movies. be in silence, turn the lights off and just stare at the ceiling. time flies fast when ur resting, but it’s incredibly slow when ur dealing with something bc it gives u the time to relook, rethink and change things. time flies but at the same time it allows u to grow!! pain happens, nothing is possible without pain. you want success? you’re going to have to go thru some pain, u want love? pain comes automatically, u want to feel good? pain always comes first and then comes the better part of it. bc once you’ve gone past the pain, the hurt and everything negative will look minuscule and itll be easier to move past it and go towards a positive outlook!!!

trust urself, bc ur the only one who can!! even if it’s not hard just do it, what matters is the most is u tried.

i rly hope this helped im terrible with words i like to say it more often and convert it thru my fics, but this is a lil different i was debating to do a voice record fbwnfbskfhke BUT NOFBWHNFJW but sincerely hope this helped even by a percent 💓✨💓 good things will come ur way when u are at ur best <3

#✉️ : ask #🤗 anon #OMF this do not make sense #✰ : advice #i truly don’t think #im legible enough to offer someone advice #but i hope it made a lil bit of sense #and provided u with comfort

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thewebcomicsreview · 3 years

Photo

Homestuck 2 has updated! Christmas is ruined!

Previously, on Homestuck 2: Literally nothing happened, and a non-trivial portion of the patreon supporters gave up and quit. Can this update pull a Christmas miracle and right the sinking ship of Homestuck 2? Probably not, but let’s find out!

youtube

We’re back in Candyland, having completely skipped over Karkat and John talking about Dave’s apparent death, because this comic is only interested in long conversations when they’re boring and not about anything at all. That’s alright, I got the gist of it.

When Karkat is finally gone, John still doesn’t move. It isn’t as though he has nowhere else to go, since there are quite a few places he might attempt to make himself useful, for better or for worse.

So, it appears to be morning now, meaning that John’s son has been missing in a war zone for almost 24 hours and I guess John literally forgot Harry existed?

Prediction: This conversation is going to end in some variant of “Where is our son?” “Oh shit!”

ROXY: hey john can u do me a quick solid

ROXY: actly idk how quick itll be but its definitely solid

ROXY: harry anderson says i just missed u being here but could u skip back on over?

What.

So, I went back and checked, and apparently nowhere is it explicitly said that Harry Anderson was also looking for the Vriskas, so I guess he....stayed home? Which makes sense, I suppose, but maybe a “Stay here I’ll go look for them” would’ve helped. I wasn’t the only one who thought Harry was out looking for Vriska too.

ROXY: sup

ROXY: follow me

ROXY: well were just going to my room so i guess technically u know the way

JOHN: haha ok.

John follows, trying to shake the ominous feeling he got from what she’d just said. He’d been in and out of this house a lot in the past few days. Why should this be any different?

Is Roxy....horny? Is the solid she’s looking for John’s dick? I mean, that’d make her saying Harry wasn’t available kind of weird, but I think this framing is a fake-out.

...

What the fuck is that lamp, Jesus Christ it’s awful. Just a cat’s asshole, facing the door.

ROXY: r u kiddin me rn egbert

JOHN: i’m not? unless you were, in which case yeah lets say i was also kidding.

JOHN: oh my god, i’m sorry, i don’t know why this making me freak out.

ROXY: i remember our past boot knockin with fondness but that is a situation im not interested in revisiting

Oh hey, it was a fakeout. Good job, Homestuck 2. You successfully implied something just through the art. Art which, by the way, looks a lot better than the last chapter. There are backgrounds and everything. I wonder if Chapter 15 was rushed out due to Hiveswap and that’s why it was so weak?

He’s almost embarrassed by how relieved he feels. So what if his ex wife wanted to hook up? Shouldn’t that be a situation he could navigate? Don’t people like to find solace in human physical connection during dire times? Why did the idea of it make his mind white out in panic more than, say, any number of the traumas he just experienced?

I’m not the biggest fan of the way the narration is going JOHN IS AFRAID OF SEX WITH ROXY LIKE HE’S A TEENAGE VIRGIN AGAIN (LIKE IN HS1!) AND IT DOESN’T REALLY MAKE SENSE PLEASE REMEMBER THIS IT’LL BE IMPORTANT LATER, but okay, noted.

ROXY: u said ur house is gone??

JOHN: yep.

JOHN: completely.

ROXY: jeez

Heh. I like Roxy, still.

JOHN: so i just sat there, watching, trying to figure out why watching my house burn down felt like i was being released from prison.

If this comic actually uses the phrase “home” and “stuck” in the same sentence I’m turning this blog around and we’ll go right back to Winnipeg.

ROXY: aight then no wind bending just use your mangrit

Roxy flexes, the corner of her mouth pulled up into a familiar grin. John feels his guts, so recently calmed, twist up into knots again. Her eyebrows shoot up and the smile loosens. He must have shown something on his face.

ROXY: ok or just like push when i push

ROXY: we both got sick muscles

ROXY: no other adjectives necessary

I feel unqualified to talk about how hard Roxy is pushing the June Egbert thing.

....Is that the fucking portal from Hiveswap under a tarp? Also hi Candy Callie, appearing in HS2 for the first time. One of the Calliope’s is nonbinary, I think, but I honestly can’t remember and I think it’s Meat Calliope?

JOHN: do i get to know what that big thing under the sheet is?

ROXY: hmmmmmm no

JOHN: oh ok.

JOHN: are you sure? i mean, it seems like a pretty prominent feature of the room.

JOHN: space.

JOHN: wherever we are.

ROXY: and a totally mysterious n COMPLETELY inconspicuous feature it will have to remain for now

ROXY: we r kinda in a hurry here fyi

ROXY: and by that i mean

ROXY: we are in precisely the amount of hurry that means im excused from having to a that specific q rn

JOHN: right, sorry.

JOHN: i will pay no attention to the object behind the curtain.

ROXY: u catch on fast egbert

Oh thing HS2 has not been great at is that it has a lot of plot mysteries that are supposed to keep us enticed but they don’t really get implanted into the audience’s head (Remember Vrissy mysteriously collapsing that one time? Probably not, she did it off screen and the boys kind of laughed it off). This one’s hard to miss.

JOHN: so... this is all downstairs?

JOHN: it seems like you had a lot of work done.

ROXY: well no not x actly

ROXY: were in the old meteor

It’s kind of weird how this meteor keeps popping up like this.

CALLIOPE: besides, hUman divorces are even more fascinating than i had ever imagined, and being able to witness yoUrs in motion was an honoUr.

This is an unexpected but not unwelcome direction for Callie to have gone.

CALLIOPE: ah right, right. yoU're probably a little cUrioUs as to where the dickens we are.

CALLIOPE: how much do yoU know aboUt black holes?

Oh, wow, we’re going right there, then. This does seem like a bit of a reaction to complaints HS2 wasn’t shmoovin’ enough, but maybe I’m reading too much into it.

CALLIOPE: no, i mean, what if oUr whole WORLD was inside a black hole.

JOHN: ok.

A’ight, that got a laugh out of me

JOHN: ugh, i fucking KNEW it!

JOHN: i'm so sorry.

JOHN: i'm so sorry that i put the earth inside a black hole everyone. ):

I like this conversation a lot.

ROXY: iirc at least part of y u got so weepy was the fact that u couldnt believe a version of earth existed where ppl got 2 watch more mcconaughey films than you

JOHN: listen.

JOHN: i simply don't think you all appreciated the gift you were given.

Quite a bit, in fact.

ROXY: ur not gonna enter a weird time vortex and change the trajectory of a little girls life with the power of love

JOHN: aw.

Roxy and John have a good dynamic.

CALLIOPE: bUt Upon her departUre, the rift closed for good. as far as i can see, there's simply no way for Us to commUnicate with the world oUtside the black hole.

CALLIOPE: i woUld certainly be very sUrprised to find oUt that anyone had managed sUch a thing!

JOHN: ...right.

John’s phone has very good coverage, since he was able to talk to Terezi in the epilogues, as we’re being subtly reminded of here with that ... before the “right”. I wonder if it still works after alt-Calliope left.

CALLIOPE: oUr exclUsion from the overarching coUrse of events which governs all reality means that oUr existence here is liable to dramatic and violent Upheaval.

CALLIOPE: to pUt it another way, becaUse nothing in here "matters", we are likely to be sUbjected to things which are a bit bats in the belfry, for no reason other than it's totally insignificant to the wider canon of reality.

CALLIOPE: and mUch thoUgh i am personally titillated by some of the conseqUences of this predicament, it is a degrading way for Us to live. u_u

Okay, so we are now being explicitly told that living in the black hole is fucking with the characters and is part of the reason they make such baffling decisions, like Rose not telling Kanaya about Yiffy, or naming her daughter “Yiffy” in the first place.

CALLIOPE: we need yoU to free vriska from the clUtches of oUr misgUided friend jane, and bring her here, to the singUlarity.

ROXY: weve been calling it the plot point

CALLIOPE: yes, the plot point is a key part of oUr plan

CALLIOPE: as far as we have been able to sUrmise, the only remaining method for escaping oUr grim confinement depends on leveraging the UniqUe properties of this location to create an event of sUch catalcysmic proportions that it simply cannot be contained within the black hole any more.

CALLIOPE: something SO dramatic, so hyper-relevant, that it becomes ontologically impossible for anyone to ignore it.

CALLIOPE: for that, we need an individUal of sUfficient narrative cloUt, so to speak.

CALLIOPE: and to liberate her, who better than the embodiment of the aspect of freedom itself?

So, the plan is literally for Vriska to be such a Huge 8itch that the black hole itself gets sick of her and yeets Earth C out of its own event horizon to freedom.

This is actually a great plan.

And that’s Hamsteak. This definitely feels like a bit of a reaction to complaints about HS2, but hey, I dig it, I guess? Definite improvement over the last chapter.

#homestuck #homestuck 2 liveblog

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