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angelasscribbles · 2 years

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Polyamory in Bad Romance

So, I know that I did a little educational post about polyamory and compersion for Hinge, but it occurred to me that Bad Romance needs a lot more explanation! Here are some general terms if you like.

I'm tagging my permas and my Bad Romance list, but by no means is it necessary to read this to enjoy the story. I'm simply passing the information onto those who might be interested in learning more about real life polyamory.

For brevity, I use poly for polyamorous and mono for monogamous.

First, let me say that ethical nonmonogamy (ENM) and polyamory are both umbrella terms. (And there is just so much underneath that glorious umbrella!)

What’s the difference between ENM and polyamory? Let's dig in. Definitions are under the cut.

Ethical Non-Monogamy is any arrangement where people have multiple consensual romantic and/or sexual connections.

Polyamory specifically refers to multiple romantic relationships.

I think it’s important to understand the difference between romantic and sexual connections. Obviously, you can have both. Riley is romantically and sexually connected to her four partners: Liam, Max, Drake and Rashad. She is sexually connected to Siobhan but not romantically. Likewise, Rashad is sexually connected to the other woman he dates, but only romantically connected to Riley.

Polycule: All of the people linked through their relationships to one or more members of a polyamorous group. This would include Riley, Liam, Max, Drake, Rashad and even Siobhan (assuming Riley is still involved with her, something I haven’t explored much). However, they are not all in the same type of poly relationship with each other.

Quad: Quad polyamory or quad poly is a term that typically describes any polyamorous relationship structure that involves four individuals. This means that one person may be involved with three other people or each of the individuals may be involved with one, two, or three people at the same time. So, this is Riley, Liam, Max and Drake (who are also nesting partners, see below). Rashad is an occasional partner for Riley, so he’s part of the extended polycule, but not really part of the Quad. What he is to the other men is a metamour (see definition below.)

Triad/Throuple: Just what it sounds like. Exactly like a couple, but three. Not the same as a V or Hinge relationship (see definition below). This is Liam, Max and Riley in Bad Romance as each person is sexually and romantically involved with the other two.

Hinge: a hinge is someone who is involved with 2 people who are not involved with each other. So, in my series Hinge, Riley is the hinge between Drake and Liam who are not romantically or sexually involved with each other. In Hinge, Liam, Riley and Drake are in a V-type relationship with Riley at the center of the V (aka, the hinge).

Mono/Poly: Just what it sounds like. A relationship where one person is poly and involved with multiple people and the other is mono and involved with only the one partner. This is a choice/orientation/personality issue. It may sound strange, but the mono partner chooses to be monogamous to their partner while being aware of and ok with their partner being polyamorous. This can arise when a mono person falls for a poly person and decides the relationship is worth adjusting for, but they are not interested in pursuing others themselves. (Also because mono folks become romantically saturated at one partner. See polysaturated below.) This is what Riley and Drake’s relationship is.

Solo Poly: someone that has multiple intimate/sexual relationships with people but has an independent or single lifestyle. They do not live with their partners, share finances, or have a desire to reach traditional relationship milestones in which partners' lives become more intertwined, such as marriage. Rashad does this. (and when I wrote him that way, I had no idea there was a term for it, live and learn my friends, live and learn).

Aromantic: Aromantic people have little or no romantic attraction to others. They may or may not feel sexual attraction. An aromantic person can fall into one of two groups: aromantic sexual people or aromantic asexual people. Hana, as I’ve written her in Bad Romance is aromantic sexual.

Metamour: In a polyamorous relationship, one's partner's partner, with whom one is not directly involved. So Rashad and Liam are metamours. Drake and Liam are metamours, Max and Drake are metamours, etc.

Polysaturated: Polyamorous, but not currently open to new relationships or new partners. Read here for more about romantic saturation.

Polyfidelity: a form of non-monogamy, an intimate relationship structure in which all members are considered equal partners and agree to restrict sexual or romantic activity only to other members of the group. Riley, Liam, Max, Drake, none of them are looking for romantic entanglements outside of the polycule. Which brings me to the concept of open vs. closed.

Open/Closed: An open relationship is where one or more parties have permission to be romantically or sexually involved with people outside of the relationship. This is opposed to the traditionally closed relationship, where both parties agree on being with one another exclusively.

Most people assume poly means open, but it doesn’t necessarily. You can be closed/exclusive with however many people are in your poly group. Riley/Liam/Max/Drake/Rashad seem pretty romantically closed, but they are sexually open. Meaning casual hookups are allowed, but not other romantic relationships. The rules for what is and isn’t allowable vary depending on what the people in the polycule agree to. Also, just because something is allowed, doesn’t mean everyone will take advantage of that.

You’ll remember in Bad Romance, Riley told Drake she was open to him being with other women if that was something he needed/wanted. He said no. (the only exception would be when Riley brings another woman along for a threesome, but Drake wouldn’t see that as stepping outside the relationship because Riley is there and she’s usually the one instigating it).

Riley understood from the beginning that Max would never be satisfied without male relationships, and he was always free to pursue those, but since he and Liam are now an item with each other, and he follows Riley along for the occasional threesome (I’m working on a one-shot that has Riley and Max picking up a bisexual man in Italy for a threesome with them) I just don’t see Max needing/wanting any more.

Rashad clearly has multiple physical/sexual relationships with other women, even though he’s only emotionally bonded to Riley (though he does not pursue nor want anything approaching commitment even with her, which makes her perfect for him because her commitment card is already full).

Liam has both Riley and Max and is content with that most of the time. But he travels a lot and when he’s away on business for extended periods without either of his partners, he does engage in casual sex with other people. (I haven’t explored that in a chapter yet, but am working on a one shot about it).

Riley is probably the most sexually adventurous of the group. Even so, she does not step outside the polycule sexually by herself. She will pick up another man for a threesome with Max and she will pick up another woman (or call Siobhan) for a threesome with Drake, but those are infrequent events. She could, the rules they have all agreed on would allow for it, but I think she’s pretty well saturated with the four men and one woman she’s got. (the rules around their relationship are mentioned the one shot I mentioned above)

I have not explored the idea of Riley and Liam having a threesome with another person much. (Well, that’s not true, I’ve thought about it, actually that’s how Max and Liam became an item if you remember lol. They started as a let's explore thing with Riley and ended up falling in love in their own right). But I haven't revisited that idea since. OR Max and Liam having a threesome with someone. OR Max, Liam and Riley all bringing in another person/people. These are things I just haven’t given much thought to, but you never know. I suppose they could happen. I don't see it right now though.

Primary vs. Nonprimary: Some poly relationships are hierarchal, meaning one relationship is considered primary and others are non-primary (sometimes referred to as secondary). There are poly relationships that are non-hierarchal, treating each relationship the same. In a hierarchical set up, the primary relationship is going to get the most attention and the people in them are going to be the ones involved in major life decisions. There is debate in the community about if it is ethical to treat anyone as a “secondary” relationship. This is what Drake struggled so hard with in the beginning, feeling like he would always be secondary to Liam.

However, polyamorous people can have more than one primary relationship. This state is referred to as co-primacy. I feel like as soon as Max and Liam became an item, they became co-primaries. I also see Drake as a co-primary, but the struggle was always Drake not seeing himself that way.

A secondary partner is someone that exists outside of your relationship with your primary partner/s. This may be someone you that you don't live with, but are emotionally committed to. Rashad is definitely a secondary partner for Riley. So, she has three primaries and one secondary relationship. Two if you count Siobhan. (I was only going to have her in the chapter where Riley uses her to trick Liam, but then I brought her in for a threesome with Drake, and then mentioned her as one of the people Riley wanted to call when Jace was born in the Disney miniseries, so I see her being around still, but not necessarily as a romantic partner. A friend with benefits though this could always change. Just like with any mono relationship, relationships can grow and change over time so who knows).

Kitchen Table Polyamory: poly relationships where everyone in the polycule is comfortable sitting together at the kitchen table with a cup of coffee. Folks who prefer kitchen table polyamory want to know their metamours and be friends with them. As opposed to parallel poly (see below). Riley, Liam, Max, Drake and Rashad definitely practice kitchen table polyamory with each other.

Parallel Polyamory: a style of polyamory in which individual relationships exist independently of one another, and there's no expectation that any partner's romantic or sexual relationships will overlap. People do not know, or want to know, their metamours (their partners other partner/partners). Riley, Liam and Rashad are doing parallel poly with their casual hookups. Riley does not have any interest meeting any of Rashad or Liam’s casual hookups (though I have an idea for one shot where exactly that happens when Riley is thrown into a social situation with Rashad’s latest conquest, because that seems like fun).

Though I haven’t explored it on paper, in my head, Siobhan has other lovers. She’s not sitting around pining for Riley while Riley has basically three husbands. I have not given a lot of thought to if Riley has met any of them. I originally had Riley not wanting Siobhan around Drake unless she was present, but as Riley gets her own jealously/possessiveness under control, this could change. (As relationships grow and change, Drake and Siobhan could even become a thing separate from Drake and Riley, though I don’t really see Drake falling in love with anyone else but if they spend enough time together they would at least become something more than friends since they would have a friendship and a sexual connection.)

Nesting Partner: a partner that you share living space with. This may or may not include owning property, sharing finances, or raising children. It is possible to have multiple nesting partners, and multiple nests (homes).

To summarize:

Riley x Drake = mono/poly

Riley x Liam x Max = throuple

Rashad = solo poly

Riley x Siobhan = Friends with benefits

Drake x Riley + Liam x Riley x Max = Quad/Nesting partners

Drake x Riley + Liam x Riley x Max + Riley x Rashad + Riley x Siobhan = Polycule

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@21-wishes @secretaryunpaid @lunaseasblog @princessleac1 @bebepac

@emersyn-in-cordonia @walkerdrakewalker @73geenalove @tornbetween2loves @sillydg

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Bad Romance:

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#bad romance #angelasscribbles #trr poly #the royal romance #the royal romance fanfic

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gatheringkeepsakes · 3 years

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Okay, so, I love your art and I notice you’re a huge fan of polyamory. And I do not mean to sound insensitive in ANY way, but I have some questions of clarification.

Like, how is polyamory different than polygamy? Polygamy was frowned on (and still is) for all of history, so how is polyamory growing in popularity?

Again, I love you and your art and legitimately just want clarification. 💖

Hello anono! Thanks for the question. I didn't find it insensitive at all!

Both polyamory and polygamy are non-monogamous relationship models. Where they differ most is in two places. The first is that polyamory always falls under the Ethical Non-Monogamy (ENM) umbrella where traditional polygamy does not. The second, is that polygamy focuses heavily on marriage, where polyamory does not. (Under a read more cause you bet this got long)

Polyamory, by definition, is the practice of engaging in multiple romantic and/or sexual relationships, with the consent of all people involved. It’s a common misconception that it’s just about having multiple sexual partners, and while there are many different ways to practice polyam - including such a model - there’s typically an emphasis on finding emotional support and connection with any prospective partners. What makes them ethical is that they are always rooted in ensuring the relationship is flexible and tries to account for everyone’s individual needs.

“Being ethical means that you’re willing to look at your actions and their effects on other people. If you’re presented with evidence that you’re causing harm, or that what you’re doing won’t achieve what you and your partner(s) want, you will look for ways to change this. In making decisions, you will consider the well-being of everyone involved, not just some.” - More Than Two by Eve Rickert and Franklin Veaux (they also have a website that is great for other ENM resources)

Polygamy, on the other hand, is the practice of one central person having multiple spouses. The most common form is polygyny which consists of one husband having multiple wives, but there is also polyandry, the practice of one wife having multiple husbands.

There is an emphasis on marriage in polygamy that isn’t present in polyamory. Many folks in polyam relationships have a husband, wife, or spouse, but the focus is on cultivating relationships with multiple people, without the intent to marry them. Polygamy focuses on marriage, typically with the intent of growing a family’s influence, power, chance at survival, etc. While there are polygamous relationship types that could be considered ethical (see Polyfidelity), traditionally, there is almost always a power imbalance between the central person and their spouses.

“The structure of traditional polygamy, in which only one central spouse may marry multiple partners, necessarily yields two inequalities. The central spouse has greater rights and expectations within each marriage and greater control over the wider family.” x

Also, more often than not, spouses in a polygamous relationship are expected to practice fidelity and don’t have the option of having other romantic and/or sexual relationships with anyone other than their central partner.

As for why polyamory is gaining popularity, this article will do a better job of explaining it than I ever could. I will include cliff notes for anyone that doesn’t have the time to read it.

Many millennials grew up in broken homes and were exposed to loveless marriages and/or divorce and don't want to replicate their parents experiences

Many millennials are leaving organized religion

There’s an increase in dating apps/hookup culture

There’s an increase in polyam (and I'd also argue, found family) rep in media

Monogamy isn’t a natural thing. We have evidence to prove that for 90% of the time humans have been on earth (300,000 years or so), that we were not monogamous. You also don’t see that exclusivity in the animal kingdom often at all. The only reason humans invented monogamy as a rule was for property rights, among other things. Heck, marriage wasn’t even about finding love until a couple hundred years ago! It was designed as a way to unify separate families for political gains. For a crash course on the history of monogamy, I recommend watching the Netflix show Explained (Season 1, Episode 18 "Monogamy", specifically).

As for why I’m a big fan of polyamory (which you didn't ask but imma talk about it anywayyyy): I love love and polyamory comes from the belief and understanding that love is infinite.

In life you can love as many things as you want. You can have multiple favourite songs, favourite musicians, books, movies, foods, places, etc., and you will never be looked down on for it.

You can have as many siblings or cousins as your family has and love all of them as you love siblings and cousins, even if your relationship with each of them is different.

You can have as many friends as you can find people to be friends with. Two different friendships will never look exactly the same, and the love you feel for each of them might differ from person to person, but there’s no one saying you can’t go for a drink with one friend on Thursday, then go to the movies with a different friend on Friday…

So why is it that the moment you label a relationship as ‘romantic and/or sexual’, does it suddenly become the only form of love that has to be exclusive? We’re only here, alive, on this dumpster fire of the planet for so long… Why hold onto a rule that’s designed to deny us more love? I’m here for a good time not a long time and I spent a good portion of my life very much alone and without support or connection in the ways I needed it most. If I’m lucky enough to find two or more people that I find that good of a connection with, people that can provide the support that I am looking for (and me in turn, offer what support they need most), why let that opportunity slip away? Some food for thought.

#Anonymous #this week on Ranting Red #a tangent about:#polyamory #polyamory vs polygamy #thanks for the question anono!!#and thank you for your support!!!#i hope this makes sense and brought you some clarity

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