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#but theirs is an excuse to treat me like shit

artists-ally · 8 months

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{Flatline} Harvey Specter x OFC {Pt. 1}

I got the title from this song called Flatline by Jared Benjamin. I added it to this playlist of very Harvey Specter vibes if you'd like to listen. There will be multiple parts, around three so be sure to stick around for those. As always comment and tell me what you think, or pop by in my asks. Anyhoo enjoy my loves!

Word count ~ 10,619 (it is a very fast paced read I promise)

Warnings ~ Age gap, smut (18+), handjob, no real BDSM but Dom/Sub concepts, language, alcohol, anxiety/anxious thoughts, probably really inaccurate lawyer terms idk man.

Summary: Harvey has taken notice of the hardest working first year associate, Claudia Martin. Despite being petrified of the infamous closer, she tried her hardest to not let it get the best of her. Harvey has a few ideas on how to increase her confidence.

Tagging : @maxdamax @ashcosmo @rosedpetal (This is basically just dedicated to you three so I hope you enjoy it the most!)

~~~~~

“Alright, everybody stop,” Harvey announced. I put down my file and sat ramrod straight in my seat, eyes darting at the other associates as they put theirs away too. “We have been working on this case now for four hours and no one has brought me a single thing that I can use as evidence. Now, if someone doesn’t put a file in my hand in the next ten minutes, we’re going to lose. And those of you who don’t want to get stuck doing whatever bullshit Louis is going to punish you with, you better come up with something fast.”

I looked at the blue file in my hands, heart hammering in my chest as I saw Harvey leave out of the corner of my eye. With a deep breath, I pushed up out of my chair and followed after him.

Circling around the office a few times, I made up reasons and excuses not to go see him. It was stupid, I knew that, but I didn’t want to bring him something and then immediately be called an idiot for bringing him shit he already knew.

I saw how he treated Mike. And Louis. Even Donna from time to time.

There were two things you did in this world: die, and respect Harvey Specter. As a first year associate in this god awful firm, you didn’t dare break his trust or waste his time.

“Is Mr. Specter available for a moment?” I asked Donna. I hadn’t talked to her much, but I’ve heard her speak to Harvey a few times around the office. She was someone I wished I knew better, someone I wished I could ask for help, but I didn’t want to bother her either.

“Yeah, he’s in his office going over the statements from the mock trial,” Donna smiled, pointing over her shoulder. I nodded, willing my feet to move in the direction of his office. I knocked before pushing the glass door opening, keeping my head down.

“Claudia, now is really not a good-” “I have something for you,” we spoke at the same time. “I’m sorry to interrupt, I can come back and-” “Is that for the mock trial?” He asked, and I nodded. “Hand it over.”

I placed the file in his outstretched hand as he came around to sit on the corner of the desk. My hands were trembling with dread as his eyes raked over the words on the page. The lines in his forehead creased, eyes narrowing.

“Claudia, this is brilliant,” he had a very confused expression when his eyes met mine. “Where did you find this?”

“Well, I figured if Mrs. Thompson said that she didn’t pay her rent that month, because there wasn't money in her account, then there had to be some kind of a trail. Some clue. There was, but it was only an amount, and it didn’t say which account it came from. When I did some digging, I found out that she uses Capital One banking and when I looked at her bank statement-

“There was a draw for the exact amount that Mr. Saros used to bet on that game,” Harvey finished before I could get the words out of my mouth. “Claudia, this is genius. Come on, we’ve got a case to win.”

____

“...Ladies and gentlemen of the jury, this compelling evidence reveals that Mr. Saros was in fact fraudulent and used his ex- wife’s funds to continue gambling. Thank you.” Harvey closed the argument, taking a seat besides Donna, who represented the client. Jessica looked to the opposing counsel as if to say ‘do you have anything?’. Louis had nothing. Not a sliver of hope.

“Then it is decided, Mr. Saros will be charged with a misdemeanor and face a prison sentence of one year in county jail.”

With a crack of the gavel, the case was over, and applause rang through the office for Harvey and his team. I had a tiny smile on my face as I left the conference room to go back to the bullpen. There was an endless stack of reports to run, motions to file… it never ended when it came to Louis. And now that I was on the winning team I’m sure that-

“Claudia, where are you going?” Harvey called out.

“Oh, I was just going back to my desk. Why, is there something that you need?” God I hope he didn’t need anything. I was sweating bullets by just standing next to him.

“I just wanted to congratulate you on your first win,” he gave a small smirk. His brown eyes were sharp, but not as intense as they usually were.

I flushed, “Well, it’s not really a real case.”

“No, it’s not. But seeing what you did today, how would you like one of your own?” He extended a blue file back to me, a stack of papers covered inside. I could feel the gaze of the other associates on me as I hesitantly took the file.

“Mr. Spector, I’m honored, but I’m not-”

“Yes you are,” he cut me off. I bit my tongue. “You are a lawyer, Claudia. And you clearly have an outside the box approach to your tactics which we don’t see very often. I haven’t seen someone able to compile and order evidence like you since Mike came to work for me a decade ago. I’ll be supervising your case, you report to me with any questions you might have, but otherwise this is all you.”

My first case… given to me by Harvey Specter himself.

“I don’t know what to say,” I whispered. I flipped through the file, seeing that this wasn’t just some pro-bono case. This was against a big time client and the SEC. The SEC meant Sean Cayhill, who, from my understanding, was already on the rocks with this firm and has been for a very long time.

“You can thank me when you win it,” he extended his hand, and I shook it, hoping that they weren’t sweaty. “Look over the file tonight and come ready to swing tomorrow morning.”

Harvey’s hand was warm, and significantly larger than mine. Everything about him was bigger than I was, especially his ego. And his personality. Lord help me…

My nod was the only confirmation that I would meet him there. As he walked out, I met some of the eyes of the associates and they scowled at me. At the file in my hand. At the fact that I hadn’t said a word the whole meeting today and then came up with the winning piece of evidence. And now I was working alongside Harvey.

The infamous closer at Pearson-Specter-Litt.

____

“Claudia, what’s wrong?” Donna startled me so bad I dropped my coffee on the floor with a shout. “Something’s really wrong.”

“Oh, it’s just you Donna,” I sighed in relief. I could feel the coffee seeping into my shirt and chilling against my skin. “Great.”

“What has you so skittish?” She asked, worry gracing her features.

I didn’t want to admit that it was because of Harvey and the fact that I had to work alongside him on this case. I hadn’t been able to sleep much last night because I was up thinking about him, wondering how he’d handle this case himself. What he would do, how he would do it. Sure, I admired the guy, how could I not? He was a perfectionist and always found a way. I wish I had half the confidence he did.

“It’s Harvey, isn’t it?”

“How did you know that? Nevermind, you’re Donna. But… Yes it’s because of Harvey.”

“Did he say something to you yesterday after you guys won the mock trial? I saw he handed you a case file, what was it all about?” “That's precisely what’s wrong,” I groaned, bending over and picking up the dropped paper cup. “He gave me a case of my own as a 'thank you' for finding the evidence that won the trial yesterday. I’m terrified of him, Donna. I-I don’t know how to act around someone with that kind of personality. He is so abrasive and forward and harsh and-”

“A total jackass?” She finished for me.

I chuckled nervously, “I’m afraid to even think of that word in association with his name. I mean, how am I supposed to work alongside someone that intense? Plus, I’m a first year associate, how am I supposed to compete with what he as to offer and-”

“Hey, it’s okay. No need to get yourself all worked up, Claudia. Harvey is a lot of bark, and only some bite.” “That doesn’t make me feel better.”

“What I’m trying to say is that there is some heart inside that cold dead chest of his,” she smiled, a genuine, friendly smile. “For what it’s worth, I’ve never seen him give someone a case after a mock trial. Not even Mike. Up until yesterday I’m not even sure he knew you existed.” “Wish it was still that way,” I rolled my eyes, folding my arms against my chest.

“Claudia, listen to me. Yes, Harvey can be rude and obnoxious, but he is the best damn attorney in the state of New York. He didn’t get to the top by being nice and sweet. He was impressed with your willingness to bring him the evidence yourself. Now he knows he can count on you to get things done in a pinch when he needs them.” “I had that evidence for an hour,” I emphasized. “I was trying to build up the courage to give it to him long before he came and ripped us to shreds for not having anything. I just didn’t want him to think that it was a stupid idea or to be in a bad mood and turn me away because I definitely wouldn’t have done it at all after that. I don’t know how to deal with someone like him, Donna. What am I supposed to do? I should just give the case to Griffin or Thomas-”

“No no no. You are definitely not going to do that. That will only show Harvey that you aren’t serious about becoming a lawyer.”

“I am serious about becoming a lawyer.” I was mildly offended that she’d even say that to me. “Of course I want to be a lawyer, it's all I’ve ever wanted.”

“And Harvey will only know that if you work on this case with him.”

I inhaled and exhaled, leaning my head back and looking at the ceiling. “Fine.” “That’s my girl,” she grinned. “Now, come on. I have an extra dress you can borrow because I am sure as hell not letting you walk around covered in coffee stains.”

“I appreciate it, but I don’t think what you have will fit me.” Donna jerked her head over her shoulder and I followed to a closet in the back of the file room. When she opened it, it was like a full blown wardrobe. There were dresses and shoes and purses and hair supplies lining the walls. “Woah…” “Don’t ever underestimate the power of Donna,” she winked before rummaging through the office closet.

After searching for a few moments, she pulled out a lovely royal blue dress that was, as she hinted at, a perfect size for me. How she knew that it would fit, I’ll never know. But I did know that I wouldn’t ever underestimate the power of Donna ever again. She’s magical.

“Now, what do you say?”

“Thanks, Donna,” I smiled sweetly.

“Actually I was looking for ‘you are an ethereal goddess who makes all my dreams and wishes come true’ but that works too,” I knew she was teasing, and I gave her a small shove of her shoulder. “Go get dressed, come back here and let me do your hair.”

“What’s wrong with the way it is?” I turned to look in the mirror on the back of the door and grimaced. “Oh…” My messy curls from yesterday looked more like a rat wrapped around a bunch of fishing line.

“Hurry up, Harvey will be back soon and I want you in that office, file in hand, ready to go when he gets here.”

I quickly shuffled to the bathroom and changed into the form fitting, very Donna-style dress. It didn’t look half bad, and I actually somewhat tolerated the dress. Normally I’d find a pants suit far more flattering and business appropriate than a dress, strictly because of the over sexualized nature of women's business clothing.

I hate the corporate world.

I did one more glance in the mirror before heading back to the break room to grab the file. I must’ve set it on the counter while I was pouring my coffee. Hopefully it wasn’t ruined.

There was no blue file on the counter. Or the table. Or on top of the microwave or the fridge. I even checked inside the microwave. Nothing. It was nowhere. Oh shit.

“Do you want curls or for me to straighten-” “It’s gone,” there was a clear panic in my voice. “The file, it’s not in the break room, Donna. It’s gone.”

“How can it be gone?”

“I-I don’t- I don’t know I thought I set it on the counter while I was getting coffee and it’s not there.” I felt a cold sweat break out onto my skin. My forehead was damp to the touch.

“Okay, take a deep breath. Let’s go look again and then check your desk. Maybe someone found it and put it there, or maybe left it with me or Gretchen. It didn’t grow a pair of legs and walk away, we’ll find it.”

“I’m gonna get fired,” my voice was almost a silent whisper, tears building behind my eyes, prickling my nose. “Donna, Harvey is going to kill me.”

“Worst comes to worst we get a new file, Harvey will never know.”

“No no no he will because he had notes of his own on the papers in there.” “Shit,” she swore. “Let’s just go look.”

We speed walked through the bullpen, earning some odd looks as we practically sprinted through the office. She checked the break room for me again, and I went to my cubicle. Nothing, not a blue folder anywhere to be seen.

Donna came up empty handed in the break room, checking with Gretchen on her way by Louis’s office. We met at her desk. Nothing.

“Fuck fuck fuck this is bad.” My hands were shaking, heart thundering against my ribs. I felt faint, like I could’ve fallen to the floor at any moment. “Donna, what am I gonna do?”

“Maybe somebody mistook it as their own file,” Donna blurted out after a moment of silence. She took off towards the bullpen and I followed after her, right on her heels. She marched through there, unapologetic as she invaded the other associates' work spaces.

Still nothing. No blue file labeled ‘Devlyn Inc. Vs. Fulton Dynamics’.

“Where the hell could it be?” She murmured to herself.

“What are you guys looking for?” An associate, Benson, asked.

“Oh, you know, a leprechaun pissing pieces of gold,” Donna’s voice was full of sarcasm. “Claudia set down a file in the break room for three minutes and forty-two seconds and now it’s mysteriously disappeared. Know anything about it?”

“No,” he pressed his lips together. “Not really.” “Not really?”

“There are a million case files floating around this office, you really expect me to pay attention to every single one and where it’s going?” “As an associate of this firm, yes, actually. I do. Now I want to know if you know who took her file and I want to know right now. You have one chance to tell the truth, otherwise the bottom of my stiletto and your ass are gonna be great friends.”

Benson swallowed, “I truly don’t know. I’m sorry, I can keep an eye out for it. Is it the one Harvey gave Claudia yesterday?”

“Yes, and he needs it in twenty minutes,” Donna said, an undeniable urgency in her voice. “If you find it, do the right thing and give it back or so help me god you will find yourself jobless faster than you can get down on your knees and beg me to let you keep it.”

Donna beckoned me for her to follow and I did, my heart sinking and sinking into my stomach. It had to be around here somewhere. It had to be.

I did another lap around, rummaging through all the drawers in the desk and thensome. Still nowhere. How could I be so stupid? So irresponsible? This is exactly why I didn’t want to take this case in the first place.

Despite all Harvey and Donna said the other day, I’m not ready to be a lawyer. Not really, anyway. I know I have my license and I’ve passed the Bar. I’ve done all the hard work, but this was… this was hell. A living nightmare. Not only was this firm constantly on the verge of collapsing, but it seemed like I made new enemies every other week by simply doing my job quickly, quietly, and efficiently.

I don’t know how or why I piss everyone off all the time. I just do my work, I quite literally don’t bother another soul in this building unless I have to. Occasionally I’d ask Donna a question that she could ask Harvey or Mike to see what they thought about it. I’d never speak to them directly, just through her which didn’t make me feel good, either.

I’d eat by myself, working through my meal. It took me two months of being here to finally use the break room because I was too nervous about taking the last tea bag or power bar from the cabinet. I just took a disposable coffee cup and filled it with tap water. And then kept that cup because I didn’t want to take the others because I figured other people needed them for coffee and I didn’t want them to be all gone-

“Claudia,” Donna interrupted my mild panic. “Harvey wants to see you.”

Oh no… no no no not yet god please not yet. I swallowed, or tried to at least; there was no moisture in my mouth whatsoever. I stood, knees trembling as I smoothed out the skirt of my dress.

Before I went on, she ran a brush through my hair, taking out the knots. It lay sleek and flat against my shoulders, a major difference from the low bun I always kept it in. My hair always made me so hot; I never understood how anyone could get anything done with it swaying in their face all day.

I could see him in his office, eyes staring us down as we rounded the corner. His gaze was locked on me and I felt my body tighten and constrict around a breath. Harvey was sitting on the corner of his desk, fingers toying with the cufflink on his left wrist..

“Hey, look at me,” Donna spoke softly, hands coming to my shoulders. “Give Harvey the truth, and nothing but. He will understand, if not, I will make him.”

I nodded.

When I pushed open his glass door, tension was thick in the air. My palms were clammy, still shaking. My mind was going a million miles a second.

“What can I do for you, Mr. Specter?” I asked, trying to keep my cool despite almost throwing up.

“Please tell me you have some good news about the case that I gave you,” he sighed, pushing off the desk and standing in front of me.

Welp… here goes my career.

“Actually, Mr. Specter there is something I need to-”

“You were looking for me, Harvey?” I whipped my head over my shoulder, seeing Griffin knocking on the door.

“Yes, Griffin come on please, shut the door as well.”

“Oh, I’m sorry, sir. I can come back and we can discuss the details of-”

“No, Claudia. Stay for a moment,” Harvey gave a firm nod, full attention slipping from me to my fellow associate. “Griffin, I see you have something for me.”

“Yes,” Griffin threw a wicked grin at me before handing over a blue file. I could feel the sick rise in my throat. That was my blue file. “I would just like to go over the details of my case with you to get your input.”

“Your case?” Harvey questioned, sharing a glance between me and Griffin. “Where did you get this? Who the hell gave you a case?”

“That’s not important. I was hoping we could actually-”

“No,” Harvey cut him off. “It’s very important, actually. Because I can recall that just last night this exact file, with my handwriting, was in Claudia’s hands. So whatever act you’re putting on, I suggest you cut the bullshit right now.” “Okay I found it in the breakroom,” Griffin rolled his eyes. “Maybe if she were a little more responsible, which she clearly isn’t because she left her documents in a public space, then she’d be more equipped to handle a real case. Like a real lawyer should.”

I could see the muscle in Harvey’s jaw clench and contract several times.

“Claudia, care to explain how our case got in this thief’s hands?” “Thief?” “I had spilled coffee,” I started, taking a deep breath when Griffin cut me a gaze so threatening I almost crumbled to my knees. “I spilled coffee and Donna offered a change of clothes for me. I didn’t even notice I left it. When I came back it was gone.”

“Well, I think that about settles it. How about you get out of here before you cause yourself a real problem. And If I ever catch wind of you stealing another one of Claudia’s files, or anyones for that matter, I will personally make your life a living hell. Do you understand me?”

“Yes,” he ground his teeth, refusing to look at either of us.

“Now get your ass back to your desk and pray to whoever you believe in that I don’t have you fired and disbarred for the shit you pulled today. Get the hell out of my sight.”

Griffin was out of there far faster than he walked in, head down, hands shoved in his pockets. I let out a shaky breath.

“Are you okay?” Harvey asked me. “I’m so sorry,” I completely ignored his question. “Griffin was right, I was extremely irresponsible and shouldn’t have let that file out of my sight. If you want to give it to another associate I completely understand. Again, I am so sorry and understand that there are consequences to my actions for letting such important information go missing-”

“Claudia, slow down,” he eased. “It’s okay, you are not the one I am pissed at.”

“You’re not?” I didn’t understand why. “But- but I completely misplaced a case.”

“No,” Harvey shook his head. “No Griffin is the only one to blame. You spilled coffee, went to go get cleaned up, and he stole it. He should know better. And seeing that he clearly doesn’t, I know I’m right in my decision on who to bring onto this case with me.”

I could feel my blush creep up my neck. “I appreciate that, Mr. Specter.”

“Of course, Claudia. And please, call me Harvey.”

I just gave a subtle nod, taking the file from his hand. I followed his gaze from my face to my hair where he took a strand between his fingers, letting the end curl around his digit.

“I’ve never seen your hair so long,” He added, dropping it from his grip. My breath was caught in my throat. Words were vacant shadows in my mind as he surveyed the dress I was wearing. “I bet that’s Donna’s, isn’t it.”

I had to clear my throat before I could speak. “She wouldn’t let me walk around with coffee stains all day.”

“It looks good on you,” He complimented. Harvey’s eyes, again, went from my head to my toes. There was nothing I could do but fall victim to his… I didn’t know what to think of how he looked at me. Couldn’t decide if it was good or bad.

“Time for the case then?” I needed to get his attention off of me. Now. I was flushed and losing my mind. Harvey didn’t really seem to acknowledge my words at all.

“Sure.” Was all he gave me.

____

I barely escaped with the skin on my teeth after our consultation. No, he didn’t rip me to shreds, but he would not take his eyes off of me for even one second. It was so… so potent I couldn’t focus. It was almost lunch when Donna came in and saved my ass.

I couldn’t have gotten out of there fast enough.

“So, how did it go?” Donna asked as I sat in my cubicle. When she came around, or maybe she just followed me, I didn’t know.

I put my face in my hands. “It was a disaster, Donna. I was a stuttering mess and I kept forgetting everything I was going to say because he would not stop staring at me. Like, he would not stop.” “Well, you aren’t exactly ugly, Claudia,” she snickered.

“Donna, this isn’t funny,” I groaned. “I’m being completely frank with you.”

“How can I be expected to work alongside him when I can’t stand being in an enclosed space with him for more than four minutes without turning into a bumbling idiot? It’s like he enjoys watching me get flustered.”

“Claudia, I think you are making this a bigger deal in your head than it actually is.” Donna came around and sat on my desk, crossing a knee over the other. “And besides, Harvey understands what it’s like to be a new associate. It can be nerve wracking, especially when you have Louis breathing down your neck.”

I chuckled gravely, “I just don’t know what I’m supposed to do.”

“You’ll figure it out.” “Why can’t you just tell me?” I whined as she stood up.

“Because I am the Yoda to your Luke Skywalker. Wise you are, patience you must have, my young Padawan.”

“I am not a Jedi who is going on a self discovery journey to start using the Force,” I countered. “I am a nervous wreck who can’t handle being alone with Harvey Specter.”

“Then you need to get over it because Harvey is not going to berate you on your first case!” She argued.

“Did you not hear what he said to Griffin? Or-or to Thomas when he suggested that we consider taking the deal that Mr. Saros had offered during the mock trial? He cracked them wide open and left them to bleed. What about with Mike? How many times has he almost sent him to the curb for not being able to find what Harvey needs?”

“Mike is different and you know it,” Donna lowered her voice. “Plus he always says shit like that to light a fire under his ass. Harvey can see that you are nervous to work with him. He isn’t going to hang you out to dry, I promise. He stood up for you, Claudia, in a way I’ve only seen him do with me and Mike. You know how much he cares about us.”

“Well, yeah of course. But you’ve worked for him for fifteen years and Mike almost seven now. You have a relationship with him and established trust. How am I supposed to have that with him when I can’t even look him in the eye?” “It comes with time, Claudia,” she rubbed my shoulder. “But if there is anything I can say to get you to trust the process, Harvey is loyal, almost to a fault sometimes. He will stop at nothing to make sure the people he cares about are taken care of. I can see that he wants that for you because if he didn’t, he wouldn’t have given a shit if Griffin stole the file or not.”

Donna walked away after smoothing down some of the hair on my head, disappearing behind the corner. I let out a huff. She was right, I was being a little over dramatic.

Harvey had a reputation, though. How was I supposed to know if- no. This is unrelated to anything going on. Sort of. I just need to focus on the case.

I pulled out the files and looked over them again, compiling all the notes into one space for easy recall. As I was looking through it, I found a loophole in one of the contracts that unbound our client from having to give up half of her company.

____

I paced up and down Harvey’s office, tapping my file in my hand as I went through all my key points in my head for today’s trial. I needed to lure, or bait rather, the witnesses into my questions to get them to admit to trespassing on our clients property. We had everything we needed; security footage, witnesses to testify on our behalf… Everything was all lined up. I just needed to blow it.

I could do this, right? I had only spent all night doing a fake run of how today would go in my mirror, but then again anything could happen when I got into that courtroom today. Maybe they had another leg on us, maybe there was another witness they had to testify against us.

God dammit, if I screwed up today I wouldn’t get another case. Probably not ever again unless I packed up all my shit and moved to Iowa.

Having Harvey there didn’t make me feel better. I thought it would, but as we worked together I realized he only made me more nervous. I couldn’t help it, he just looked at me this way I couldn't describe. It was incredibly annoying, I don’t know how Mike does it. Or Donna. Or Jessica or Louis or-

Jesus focus, Claudia. I rubbed my eyes with my thumbs. Just focus focus focus. I’ve been over it a million times. I could do this. I didn’t have a choice, court was in less than half an hour.

“Claudia,” Harvey ripped me from my concentration, making me jump. “Sorry to startle you. Are you ready for today?” “Not really,” I admitted. “I am kind of freaking out, to be honest.”

“It’s okay,” he eased me to sit next to him. “What are you so nervous for?”

I chuckled, “Everything.” “Okay,” he gave a half-hearted laugh. “What specifically? Just name one thing that you are worried about.”

“I don’t know- forgetting cross examination questions? Screwing up the order so it doesn’t lead him into our trap? A billion things could go wrong and I’m not sure what to do if I freeze or stutter. What if the jury or the opposing counsel laughs at me?”

“That is not gonna happen, Claudia,” Harvey reassured. “You have prepared some amazing questions, you’ve got this in the bag.” “You know, I much prefer to stay in the background and do research. I don’t think I’m cut out to handle court stuff this is-”

“Hey,” he said so softly I almost didn’t hear him. He grabbed my trembling hand and held it between his own. My body went completely rigid, chest puffing in and out with heavy breaths. “You are going to do great today, I know it, Claudia. You are prepared, capable, and even more prepared. This is always what you’ve wanted to do, isn’t it?” I just nodded. Over the past week and a half of working together, I had told him what made me want to be a lawyer in the first place. About how I saw my best friends’ parents' business completely ruined by a group of robbers and their insurance did nothing to help them.

It made me so sad for them, made me feel so sick that I knew I had to do something to help them. I did my research and then brought it to them. They brought it to their lawyer and ended up getting a settlement for far more than they were ever gonna get. All because of me and my discovery that I made on my computer when I was thirteen.

“Okay. Think back to teenage Claudia for a moment. I bet she dreamed of being in this exact position. Where she can help people and give the sorry bastards who put them there a taste of their own medicine. Well, Claudia, here you are. Your very first case. Your very first helping hand. Your very first entrance into the world of the law. And you are going to absolutely shake up those witnesses, blindside them so hard they won’t have a choice but to tell the truth. This is your moment, Claudia’s moment. Don’t let fear take it from you, okay?” Again, all I could do was nod. And think about how warm his hand was in mine. We stood and he let go, leading me out of the office and down to his car waiting for him in front of the building. Ray, his driver, greeted me sweetly as I settled into the back seat with Harvey.

I flipped through my cards over and over and over on our way to the court house. Harvey snatched them from me. “Hey!” “You know the material,” he gave me a pointed look, sliding them in the breast pocket of his jacket.

“I know but-” “There is no but,” he shrugged. “Have just one ounce of confidence, Claudia. Trust yourself.”

All of whatever I had been reading was swept from my mind as he placed his palm on my knee. I hadn’t realized it was bouncing up and down until he pressed against it to stop its movements. I tried to sit still, but I just started picking at my nails instead.

“Claudia,” he said in a stern, commanding voice. I stopped my fidgeting, laying my hands flat in my lap. “Good, just relax. Everything will be alright.”

Highly doubtful. He was playing a dangerous game, and we both knew it. But neither of us said anything as he left his hand there the entire car ride.

____

“After the conclusion of today’s trial, the jury here finds Fulton Dynamic guilty of trespassing and breaking and entering with intent to steal inside information.”

I felt the tension deflate from my body, eyes fluttering shut as the judges whacked the wooden disk on his stand. He said something, but I couldn’t even hear over the roar in my ear. Holy shit we won…

“Claudia,” Harvey shook my shoulder. I snapped my eyes to him. “Come on, let's get out of here.”

He didn’t have to tell me twice.

I rested my head back against the seat, eyes focused on the window outside so I wouldn’t throw up. Man did I hate getting car sick every time I looked at my phone when in a car. The city lights were bright and fierce, unrelenting all hours of the day. Why on god's green earth did I decide to move to New York? Out of all the places I could’ve gone to work as an associate in this state, why did I choose the city? I hate the city. I’ve always hated the-

“Yoo-hoo,” I heard from my side. I lifted my exhausted head and gave Harvey a look. “Did you hear anything I said?”

‘Oh… n-no I’m sorry,” I stiffened, giving him my full attention. “What were you talking about?”

“I was just saying that you did a great job today, Claudia. You kicked ass in there,” he smiled.

“Thanks, Mr. Specter.” I just let out a sigh.

“You don’t think so?”

“Not really.” Anxiety swirled in my chest. Tears pricked my eyes and nose.

“Why not? Claudia, you gave one of the best cross examinations I think I’ve ever seen. And the way you handled Cayhill? Defended Devlyn from those accusations? It was masterful.”

“It doesn’t feel like it.”

Silence hung between us. I felt like I couldn’t breathe. “You did great today.”

“I was a complete idiot when I was defending Devlyn. I was way too animated and let my emotions get the best of me. For Christ's sake Judge Peterson gave me a warning.”

“I want you to take a guess at how many warnings judges give me when I’m the one in there leading the case.”

“You’re Harvey Specter, of course you… get a lot.”

“You right, I do get a lot. But that isn’t a bad thing. And I’ve been doing this a hell of a lot longer than you-” “That’s the problem,” I snapped. “You have been doing this for seventeen years and I’ve been doing it for ten days. I’ve barely got my toe in the water and I’ve already shown other lawyers and firms that I can’t keep my cool.”

“Claudia, you are passionate. I don’t see that as a huge problem in the courtroom. There needs to be a level of pushback from attorneys because if you, of all people on someone’s legal team, aren’t going to fight back, then you might as well be fired. Because you are the only person some people have hope for. You have to be aggressive and assertive sometimes to get the job done.”

“I don’t know how to do that.”

“I am going to teach you,” Harvey’s words completely short circuited my brain.

“What do you mean?”

“Claudia, I think you’re going to be a great lawyer, even without my help. I know you struggle with confidence and that is all I want to help you with. To get some leverage over these other associates so you can climb that ladder.”

“I can’t just magically pull a wagon load of confidence out of my ass overnight,” I shook my head, folding my hands tightly together. “I don’t see how you can help me.”

The car pulled up outside the building and Harvey let out a sigh. Great. Now I’ve pissed him off, too. That’s exactly what I needed to do was piss off Harvey Specter after a great win. In all honesty, it had been a good day. I didn’t fumble the ball like I was going to, but this was completely taking away from them.

My door opened. Harvey looked down at me from outside and extended his hand. When did he get out of the car? I hesitantly took it, getting out and shutting the door behind me.

“Claudia,” Harvey started. “You need to learn to let go. To put the bad moments behind you.” “I can’t.” “Which is why you and I are going to go back up there and have a drink. Get to know each other a little bit so we can start building that trust. I know I intimidate you, and I try like hell to be as calm as I can around you, but one day Louis or Jessica or Donna is going to come into my office and give me some bad news. You might be there and see how I handle it. You might not, but I don’t want you to be afraid of that happening to you.”

“And how can I be sure that if I come up with a plan one day, and it falls through and goes to shit, you won’t flip out on me or fire me or-or-”

“Because I won’t. I give you my word. But I need yours as well.”

“Need my word, why?” “I need to know that you won’t think I’m a monster if you’re in the room and I lose my cool.”

I’ve never thought Harvey was a monster to begin with. I’ve always admired his ability to shut off his feelings and get the dirty work done. Of course I’ve seen that side of him a time or two, but never catastrophic like some of the stories I’ve heard from the third and fourth years.

“You have my word.”

The elevator chime brought me out of my spiraling momentarily to walk to Harvey’s office. The firm was empty, not even Jessica was here. He led me to his office and got to work on the drinks. My eyes wandered from him to the view through the window. This was the only part of the city I might’ve let myself enjoy from time to time.

“Donna was right, you do have a lot of music,” I noted, taking in the wall filled with vinyl records. She mentioned it when I was caught with my head buried in a book in the library, some random Beatles song blasting so loud she could hear it down the hall.

“You’re just now noticing that?” “Well, I haven’t exactly been in your office for anything other than to work on this case so… no I guess I never really noticed.”

“You can pick something to listen to, if you’d like.” He was gonna let me touch his records? This place was like a museum; autographed basketballs and baseballs, art hanging on the wall. “Or you can just stare at it.”

I flushed, picking up a record at random and handing it to him. In exchange, he handed me a glass a third full of whisky. I smelled it, it kind of made me scrunch my nose. I didn’t drink often; most of the time I was too tired to even feed myself let alone consume alcohol.

When I took a sip, I actually didn’t mind the taste. It was smooth, simple in flavor and didn’t burn too bad. Quite nice, for all it’s worth.

There was a couch along the wall of records that I fixed myself on, Harvey taking the time to remove his tie and lay it across his desk before sitting across from me on one of the chairs. I toed off my pumps and set them on the floor beside the table. God damn did my feet hurt.

“Do you do this with all the new associates?”

“What do you mean?” He asked, taking a seat in one of the chairs while I took up the couch.

“I mean, when you think they’re ready, do you give them a case and help them get their foot in the door?”

“No, no I don’t,” Harvey admitted. “Louis is in charge of the associates. You know that.”

“Yes,” I nodded. “But I just thought that there was some deal between you guys: you have a mock trial with the new associates, whichever team wins gets to give a case to the best performing associate.”

Harvey laughed. I didn’t even know he knew how to do that. “Oh, Claudia, you really are that innocent, aren’t you?” My throat collapsed on itself. What did I say?

“Relax,” he set his glass down, swallowing his sip. “Yes, we do a fake trial every year for the first years, but we don’t just give them cases when they win. No one in their right mind would give a first year associate, fresh out of law school, the time of day. Normally they have to prove themself down the line, after years and years of loyalty to this firm to get their first case. And it’s usually pretty easy pro-bono shit.” I had to stop and think for a moment before I could speak. “You keep saying normally, usually… What are you saying?”

“What I’m saying, Claudia, is that in my decade plus of working here, I’ve never seen an associate who busts their ass quite like you. Who takes every ounce of bullshit from Louis and turns it into the Mona Lisa.”

“I think that everyone does tha-”

“No,” he cut me off. A stern look in his eyes, lips in that crooked line. “No they don’t. Not like you. You put your head down, get into it, and don't come up until you’ve found what you were looking for and thensome. You go above and beyond every time. You don’t go to Louis begging for more work, he brings it to you, and only you, because he knows he can count on you. Which means I know I can count on you, too.”

I honestly didn’t know what to say. I kind of just wanted the ground to swallow me whole. To make me evaporate and never see the light of day again.

“Thank you, Mr. Specter. But I don’t know if you’ve noticed or not but I am not very good in the spotlight. I don’t do well with… all of this.”

“I know, but I’m glad that you are trying anyway,” his smile was very charming. In a way that made his eyes crinkle. “So, besides giving a hell of a cross examination, what else do you like to do for ‘fun’?”

“Well, for starters, your definition of fun, and mine, are going to be very different. I am a very solitary person, I don’t need to be around people to have a good time. Most of the time I prefer to go do things by myself because I find when I ask, people already have plans, or they’re faking having plans so they don’t have to hang out with me. I can’t tell what is the truth and what isn’t so I stopped asking… that was totally not what you asked. Sorry, I didn’t mean to ramble.”

“Go ahead, talk about whatever you want. I won’t judge you.”

A small part of me believed that he wouldn’t. A tiny, microscopic part.

“There is nothing like the feeling of getting lost in a good book. I’m a complete sucker for a cliche rom-com where the bad guy gets the good girl.”

Harvey let out a dramatic puff of air, laughing into the space around us.

“You said you wouldn’t judge!” I chuckled.

“I’m not, it’s just lame. Come on, what do you really like to do for fun?”

“That is what I really like to do for fun,” I let my hand fall to the cushion beside me. “I told you, I am not a very interesting person. I don’t have time for a whole lot of anything other than working here so… Most of my hobbies have been put on the back burner through grad school and working nonstop.”

“If you could be any type of sea creature, what would you be?”

“What does that literally have anything to do with anything we were just talking about?”

“It doesn’t,” Harvey smiled. “I’m just curious.”

“I don’t know, a jellyfish?”

“Really?” He questioned, one brow rising higher than the other. “I’d be a great white shark.”

“Of course you would,” I snickered. “Harvey Specter, the Great White of New York. If you wanted to be a real predator that no one fucks with, you should be an Orca.” “A whale?” “The killer whale,” I corrected. “They put sharks in the obituary for fun, you know. They sink yachts for fun, too. If you really want to be on top, be an Orca. No one in their right minds fucks with an Orca. They’re intelligent and not afraid of anything.”

“Aww, you think I’m intelligent and not afraid of anything?” Harvey mewled.

“Well, duh you’re Harvey Specter.” Everyone knew it. Harvey was the baddest cat in the sky, you didn’t approach him without giving him your respect. Cause if you didn’t, a whole boat load of shit will be coming your way.

Harvey rolled his eyes. “Well, I hate to break it to you, but there is more to Harvey Specter than the title my name comes with.”

“Of course,” I agreed. “Harvey Specter, badass attorney and the best closer New York has ever seen, killer whale of the corporate world.” Harvey couldn’t keep his laugh inside, sending the rumbling noise into the office. I made Harvey laugh, and I have for the past however many minutes.

“You left out the part where I’m devastatingly attractive and charming,” his smirk was nothing short of either of those things. Devastating and charming. It cut through me like a hot knife. I knew I blushed because his eyes went to my cheeks and that spot at the base of my throat that always gives it away.

My fingers tapped away anxiously at the glass in my hands, fingernails rattling against its crystal surface.

“It’s late I should… I should go.” Great, now I’m flustered and stuttering. As quickly as I could, I threw my heels back on and reached for my coat.

“Claudia-”

“Thank you for the drink, and for all your help on the case,” I hurried out, trying to not let my voice break and give away all the things I wanted to say. “Have a good night, Mr. Specter.”

“Claudia.” His voice commanded, stopping my movements. I held still on the couch, drinking in his stare. “Stay.”

“Mr. Specter I really should-”

“Harvey,” he bit out a little harshly. “Stop calling me Mr. Specter.”

“I’m sorry. Harvey, it’s late.” He just nodded, taking a sip from his glass. “And?”

“It’s been a long day and I think we should both go and get some much deserved rest,” I spoke quietly, resuming my nail picking from earlier.

“Do you really want to leave?”

It was such a loaded question. Yes, absolutely I wanted to fucking leave. But there was something deep in his eyes, deep in his voice that made me want to stay and explore. My heart was hammering in my chest. I couldn’t keep my eyes off him, no matter how much I wanted to look away. It was impossible.

“I don’t think you do,” he answered for me. “I told you I was going to help build your confidence.”

You never told me how, jackass, I thought. I swallowed, nothing going down, but I did it anyway. Harvey threw back what was left of his whisky and sat back, knees far apart, fingers drawing patterns on the arm rests of the chair.

“Come here, Claudia.” What? “You heard me.”

Shit, I must’ve said it out loud. If I thought my heart was racing before, it sure as hell was halfway around the world now. Legs trembling, I rose. Why the fuck did I stand up? It wasn’t too late to make a beeline for the door and pray he didn’t catch up. Then again, it wasn’t like I could escape him, we worked in the same fucking building. On the same floor.

When I came to a halt, a few feet in front of him, he held out his hand, palm up. As I put my fingers in his grasp, there was nothing I could do. Harvey yanked me to him, other hand catching my hip as I collapsed into him with a yelp.

“Straddle my thigh,” he ordered. Something about the way his voice went down my spine made me obey. With extreme hesitance, I moved one leg on each side of his, lowering myself. I didn’t dare put all of my weight down. And he knew it because his hands came up to my hips and forced me all the way.

“Sir, what are you-”

“Do not call me Sir unless you are ready to deal with those consequences.” His fingers dug into the exposed skin on my thigh, eyes full of his pupils.

“Harvey, what are you doing? We shouldn’t be doing… whatever this is,” I tried to defuse the situation as best I could, but there was such a seriousness written in his features I wasn’t sure I could sway him. Maybe I didn’t want to, either.

“How does it feel?” He asked.

I blinked, “H-How does what feel, Harvey?”

He smiled at the use of his name on my tongue. I hadn’t really ever called him by his first name.

“To have one of the most powerful men in the city underneath you, bent to your will?”

When I did look away from his face, to where I was seated on his lap, I felt my stomach start to twist and mold into something new. I did have Harvey Specter underneath me. Granted, at his own command, but still…

“And before you even think about it, no. I don’t do this with all the other associates.”

“Then why me?” My voice was a barely there whisper, gaze averted from his until his thumb caught my chin and made me look into his eyes.

“Because I see something else in you that I don’t think anyone realizes. And I know the world will never see it unless you start believing in yourself and take control of the cards you’ve been dealt.”

I took a moment to steady my breath, and my uncontrollable thoughts. “And you think that whatever this is… you think this is going to help with that?”

Harvey shrugged, “I am in no way forcing you to be here, am I?”

My blush came creeping back. Of course he wasn’t forcing me to be here. I shook my head, my face just inches from his. I felt oddly relaxed under his touch.

“And I am not stopping you from getting up and leaving right now. It’s your choice, Claudia, but I think you want to be here, on my lap. Because if you didn’t, you would’ve already left.”

God dammit I hated this cocky son of a bitch. Was he right? Yes. Of fucking course he was. But the way his mouth curled up was dangerous. This was dangerous, and utterly a horrible idea. Was I really about to sit here, on one of my bosses thighs? He did look pretty good under me, shirt unbuttoned the top three, cologne wafting into the air every time he moved his head.

Harvey’s hands came back to my hips as he leaned up.

“So, are you going to get up and leave? Or, are you going to ride my thigh while I tell you how pretty you look?” His breath tickled my ear, his lips trailing the space just below. I couldn’t help the shudder that went through my whole body, and I knew Harvey felt it because he cooed.

As I adjusted myself, I couldn’t help the movement, his breath on my skin was making me flutter, Harvey moved my hips back and forth. I felt the air take from my throat. The material of his pants against my core wracked through me. So unexpectedly I found myself pressing closer to him so I wouldn’t fall off.

“That’s it, Claudia…” His voice was sickly sweet with praise. Harvey moved to fiddle with the front of his pants, and when I went to look, he caught my chin. “Eyes up here, sweetheart.”

“Harvey this… this isn’t the best idea,” I kept trying to reason. Not necessarily with him, but with myself. Obviously he wanted it, so why was I trying to convince myself to go?

“So?”

“This could have some serious implications if we don’t-”

He laughed against my neck, placing a few kisses right over where I always blushed. “Claudia, Claudia, Claudia. This is exactly what I have been talking about. You are wound far too tightly with concern. You need to let go, need to be out of control with something in your life.”

“Let me guess, that something is going to be you?”

“Only if you want it to be,” he said. “Look Claudia, I know we don’t exactly always see eye to eye on things, and we sure as hell haven’t really worked together, but that doesn’t make me less sure about this. About you. If you are having doubts, and this isn’t what you want, then walk away and we never have to talk about it ever again. But I think there is a part of you that really likes seeing me under you. That likes knowing you can make me this way.”

“And what if I do?” Harvey was right. God dammit he was right and he knew it. I looked and saw just what I had been doing to him.

“Then just let yourself enjoy it because I know I want to.”

Man, he was quite the smooth talker. My resolve crumbled and I gave in. No, I didn’t give in, I made the choice to let this happen. Harvey wanted this too, for some reason known only to the great mother and beyond. This was not going to end well, I don’t know why I thought so, but I just know this is going to cause a problem down the road. Maybe it’ll be a good one, maybe it won’t– Jesus I need to get out of my head before I start thinking into oblivion.

Harvey rolled his eyes, hand cupping the side of my face before his lips met mine. The gasp I let out… I could feel his smile. He guided my hand into the front of his pants, but did nothing else. Just left it there.

When I tried to pull away, he bit my lip and pulled me right back in. Finger pressing into the front of my throat. In a commanding, possessive way that made my stomach burn with desire.

I slowly traced around the outline of him. My fingers were trembling so fiercely that I wasn’t sure they were moving at all. As best I could control them, I made my way up to the waistband of his briefs, just… testing the waters.

“You’re so close to where I need you,” Harvey purred, eyes looking at my surly swollen lips. “Go on, sweetheart, don’t be shy.”

I guess there really was no turning back. As my hand ventured further, I ducked down and swept my tongue into his mouth. He approved very enthusiastically. Harvey continued to guide my hips back and forth and back and forth across his thigh. All too gently, all too slowly. One of his hands kept working my hip, the other camp up around my throat.

How could he know that was one of my weakest sides? It didn’t prevent any air, but it was a firm reminder.

His breath broke our searing lips when I moved my thumb over the tip of his cock. Harvey’s grip tightened on my throat and a noise slipped through my mouth. There was little I could do to keep my eyes from lulling back, head going with it. He made an effort to weave his fingers between my locks and pulled. A lot harder than I think he actually meant to.

“Sorry, sweetheart,” he murmured against my ear, sending goosebumps down my neck and arms. “I can’t help myself when you make such pretty noises. I’ll be gentle.”

I huffed out a laugh, as best I could with the straight against my neck. “I don’t mind.”

“Those are dangerous words, Claudia,” he warned, bringing my head back up. His eyes were dark in a way I couldn’t process in that moment. His lips were red and his hair was a mess from my fingers.

I tugged at him as emphasis for my earlier words. “I don’t mind you being rough with me.”

His eyes closed, and his jaw clenched. I continued my motions, slow and long, drawing divine noises from him. Even with his hands away from my hips, I still moved them, picking up pace with my hand. I took the liberty to occupy his mouth with my own, hopefully filling him with euphoria. It was fast, and quite messy. My hair was sticking to the back of my neck with sweat, and I could taste it on his skin when I couldn’t help but trail my tongue up his throat.

Harvey murmured my name, but I didn’t stop. I couldn’t now, not with the constant moans and praise from his tongue. ‘Just like that sweetheart’, ‘I know that pretty mouth of yours will feel so much better wrapped around my cock’, ‘Can’t wait to take you apart’.

With his release, warm and wet over the back of my hand, he stilled my hips. Fingers digging in. At some point my skirt rode up, or he tugged it over my ass, and his nails left long lines of scratches. I hissed, and Harvey was breathing deep.

Harvey’s grin was nothing short of animalistic as he looked at where my hand still connected us. “Look at that, sweetheart. Look how well you’ve done.”

I could do nothing to keep my blood from rushing to my face. When I moved my hand– not entirely sure if I should get up and clean it off– Harvey snatched my wrist.

“Open.”

I was going to question him, but I watched his eyes flick over my surely swollen lips. I flushed deeper. And deeper again as he moved them into my mouth. Bitter, but not in a bad way. And If I had been thoroughly fucked, I’d undoubtably find it irresistible.

“Good girl, Claudia.”

There would be no way to recover from hearing that. I shuddered, so hard I clamped his thigh between my own, and whimpered. Like I had never before. And his stare… the way his eyes watched my tongue circle over my fingers. As they watched me swallow him down.

“I bet you didn’t even realize,” he tilted his head, tucking hair behind my ear, flopping it behind my shoulder.

“Realize…what?”

“How you took control. How confident you were with your hand… with that wicked tongue of yours. It was like it was second nature for you, wasn’t it? I didn’t even have to tell you to keep moving your hips. You just did it.”

I didn’t even know I was doing most of it… It all just happened. At some point or another.

“I wouldn’t say that I was confi-”

“Yes,” he interrupted. “You were. And that feeling, of being in control, is what you need to feel when you are in the courtroom. You were able to do it here, with me, to me. It was the most powerful and direct I’ve ever seen you.”

“Sex and being a lawyer aren’t exactly the same thing.”

“No, but you were able to feel safe and let yourself go. To release all that potential and work miracles.”

“You’d consider me giving you an orgasm a miracle?”

He chuckled, leaning so his lips brushed against mine. “Your hands do miraculous things to me, Claudia. I don’t normally give myself to someone the way I did with you. I didn’t have any second thoughts about it because I knew how willing you’d be to please me. And god damn do I love watching you pleasure yourself for me.”

In the minutes that followed, Harvey stood me up and straightened out my skirt. He did give me some hand sanitizer until I could go to the bathroom. I watched as he tucked in his shirt, buttoning his pants and rolling the sleeves back up his arms.

“Harvey?”

“Yes, Claudia?” His voice was much more mellow.

“How often is this… you know. Gonna happen?”

He smirked, “Why, already picturing yourself on your knees for me?”

I wasn’t, but I sure as hell was now. One thing that I needed to learn to do was control my facial reactions because judging by the way his stepped closer, he could see that I was, in fact, picturing his hand in my hair while he forced me to take it down my-

“Oh sweet sweet Claudia,” he chuckled, tilting up my chin. “You really are that eager to please me.”

“I was just wondering when you were going to return the favor.”

Harvey seized my throat, tighter than he had before. “Don’t you worry, sweetheart. I will have my name dripping from your tongue for so long you will forget it completely and beg for mercy. And when you beg for it, just know that you won’t get it until I say you do.”

#harvey specter #harvey specter suits #harvey specter x ofc #harvey specter smut #suits smut #suits #suits tv #mike ross #jessica pearson #louis litt #rachel zane #suits fanfic #suits fanfiction

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ardourie · 1 month

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theirs many other issues and bigotries hussie has in homestuck and other side comics they made but the racism part being denied is fucking insane bc growing up in that fandom i was treated like absolute shit for even voicing discomfort at hussie constantly punching down on black people like it’s genuinely upsetting recalling growing up trying to ignore how much racism i had to face just bc i didn’t wanna let go of the comic that was makjng me happy otherwise just for white queers on here to say it didn’t happen or wasn’t that bad or is excusable or “hussie changed” despite never apologizing and taking every criticism about the racism as a joke

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thementalshawty · 6 months

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I’m just not with this shit anymore! 🤷🏽‍♀️ I won’t tolerate anymore of the same old dumb shit and excuses! I’m worth more than that, so is my talent, vibe, and gifts. I decide to share it to you guys and you leave me feeling like I’m chasing you to get energy and time I took out of my life for you, just to feel like I’m not worth the same, I went through to much shit in my life to ever ever ever again feel this worthless. You don’t know how hurtful shit is, when you do your part and end up having to chase others to do theirs!!! I am talking about in life, on here, and in general, I’m going through so much shit now in my life & yet I still found time to do LONG ASS readings for other people and yet DAYS/WEEKS/MONTHS LATER I’m still waiting! I have a job that don’t appreciate me either, bills that need to get paid, bullshit around me I’m trying to heal from and happiness and love I’m tryna chase I treat everyone as if they’re the same! So if I can with all the shit I got going on in my head, heart, and EVERYDAY LIFE & still find time to add you in within a day or less, I don’t see what the fuccin issue is, also fuccin commuinicate! I shouldn’t have to be chasing yo ass if you didn’t have to chase me! Fucc outta here, I’m not second place even if you think I am!

To the ones that actually give a shit, I made it out of that toxic home for almost a month! Life has been tight! But I still am untangling myself from old ways and that includes allowing and tolerating bullshit and abuse of all kinds to slide, things that still make me feel like I’m less than and not as worthy as I fuccin am hence why I am ranting because I am the shit! In all ways! When it comes to my tarot! When it comes to my music! When it comes to how I handle shit! Niqqa just my whole fuccin vibe and the fact that I have to come on here and explain it to you proves that I have been putting myself on the back burner for y’all and that’s my fault! So now I’m awake! NO MORE TOLERATING THE DUMB SHIT! If you don’t come correct then imma let you have it! I’m not gonna just ignore it and let it slide anymore!

All this shit unnecessary and I’m over this shit, and nah that ain’t how it is with the bullshit on here this is how mfcs MADE IT and we just TOLERATE IT! Well I’m not anymore! Grand rising it’s a whole new fuccin day!

Time for the Lion to appear

#tarotblr #tarot community #psychic #tarot reading

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silversrantsandrambles · 4 days

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New intro!!

(Because I felt the need to update my blog out of boredom)

Information about the drow running this blog

Hello! I am Merlot of Silver, whichever you prefer to call me!

They/them/theirs, hoof/hooves/hoofself, bite/bites/biteself

MINOR. DON'T GET FREAKY

Asexual biromantic

Furry and a nonhuman (I don't mind being referred to as human, I prefer to be referred to as a drow or elf in a humanoid context.)

ADHD + PTSD don't you dare treat me like a toddler I will maul you.

What am I?

Drow

Lion

Horse

Shapeshifter

Werewolf

Tag guide:

#silly — silly reblogs, memes or just stuff I found funny

#neato — interesting stuff, like an animal fact or something.

#Freaky — horror related reblogs

#Nuzzle — furry or animal related content

#Maul — nonhuman related content

#Serious — stuff I don't wanna joke about

#Scratch — art

#Rant — posts made by me, usually if I'm upset and angry. Usually being aggressive about something. Might be fandom, might not.

#Ramble — random ass rambles.

#Horde — Fandom related content

OC related posts will be tagged with the OC's first and last name.

DNI:

Proship

Kink

Anti-endos

Zionist

Zoophile supporter

Map supporters

Don't come at me for the anti endo shit, I have ptsd officially diagnosed by a fucking doctor. This is a Endo safe space. Idgaf what excuse you have for hating them.

(Blinkies and stamps I like are below the cut, if you're sensitive to flashing proceed with caution!)

#otherkin #fictionkin #nonhuman #therian #alterhuman #Endo safe #proship dni #furry #elfkin #horsekin #werewolfkin #shapeshifterkin #lionkin #drowkin #d&dkin

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chubbening · 11 months

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Things I've Written

idk how vital this is, but in case anyone's curious about the stories I've posted and don't feel like browsing my galleries, here's a quick rundown.

1. Everyone's Feeding You: By far my most popular piece. My first foray into second-person smut. You (assumed femme) have recently noticed people treating you a bit differently lately. Like, weirdly hospitable and giving with their food. And the endless gluttony maaay be having an effect on you. No explicit sex, just feedee vibes. Excerpt: "There were donuts in the breakroom the other day, and of course you took one. But then, back at your desk, your coworker offered you theirs—gave some excuse about having a big breakfast. And you took it, as though your girlfriend hadn’t made you a monstrous omelet that morning. And then, seeing that, your other coworker put half of their donut on your desk and said they were trying to watch their weight. And as you stuffed more jelly pastry into your already-full stomach, you couldn’t shake the thought: they were treating you like the fat girl of the group. Everyone was." 2. Calories and Kink: A long one, posted chapter by chapter. 17 are up so far (as of 5/31), but it will have an ending. Anthro furry stuff. Alexa, local goth lesbian fox, wastes away in her barren hometown. Her friends have moved on to better places. Her last relationship went out like an industrial fire (toxic, avoidable, burned longer than anyone expected). Another lonely night at the bar takes a turn when she bumps into Reggie, a big bad jock of a maned wolf, once the high school bully and Alexa's guilty crush. Both soon realize they've grown past the childish antagonism, but not their secret hots for each other. And Alexa has another hidden desire driving her: she wants to get fat. Is Reggie the dominant feeder she's been longing for? Is that worth looking past Reggie's history? Explicit. Excerpt: "Reggie rolled her eyes. 'Ya know, you gave me shit for acting like I was still in high school. Yet here you are still looking and talking like the same don’t-care won’t-care stoner goth you always were.' 'Like you knew who I was. You barely noticed me.' 'Whatever. Give me your phone number.' Now that she’d calmed down a bit, Alexa stopped to honestly consider her feelings. The night had been a rollercoaster. Would she want to do it again? Did she really want to see how serious Reggie had been back at the pizza shop? What if she did gain weight? Her mom wouldn’t like it, but it wasn’t like she was here. Alexa’s coworkers and friends wouldn’t give her any shit. But still, it was one of those things she’d always regarded as a fantasy. Something to read about online, something to stroke off to. She’d never actually talked to anyone IRL about it. Well, not since Syd. This could either be amazing or another catastrophe." 3. The Food Hoarder: The 3.5 Draconomicon is my favorite D&D sourcebook to date for many reasons. There's a dragon-exclusive prestige class called dragon ascendant. One of the prerequisites to taking the class is to eat one's own hoard. So uhhh yeah the premise writes itself: an ancient dragon who hoards food learns what step one is to becoming a goddess. Nothing explicit, technically feral I guess but I've always considered dragons an interesting case. Excerpt: "She lifted her lithe body and stretched, not unlike a hundred-foot cat. On light feet, she padded about her lair, examining the displays of food. Where to start? She wasn’t particularly hungry, having eaten several cattle just yesterday and lazed about since then. Well, she thought, running through the catalogue in her head. If we’ve already had dinner, why not begin with dessert? Her forked tongue licked her cavernous chops as she leapt up to a broad ledge on the north side of the chamber. Cakes. Pies. Pastries. Iced cream. Tarts. Puddings. Casks of sweet wines. All flavors, from all cultures in the world."

4. The Hunger of Dragons: More dragons! When Astal, local anthro dragon adventurer lady, is invited over for dinner by her old friend Silith, she discovers an appetite she didn't know she had. Silith is already well aware of her special relationship with food, as is her human girlfriend, Elryn. Sapphism ensues, and Astal learns a lot about herself. This one also has me dipping my toe into some light macro. Explicit. Excerpt: "Astal smiled, the nerves and awkwardness disappearing in her old friend’s soft embrace. And Silith was soft. When she stepped back, Astal saw that she had chubbed up quite a bit. Silith had never been as thin as her friend, but now she sported a hefty belly and chest, with thick padding everywhere else. Even her scaly red tail seemed fatter. Her wavy hair framed a round, tenderly smiling face with a blunted snout. 'It’s good to see you too,' Astal replied. 'You seem...healthy.' She caught herself staring at her friend’s middle as she spoke and quickly looked up. 'Doing well for yourself, I mean.'"

5. Kobolds Need Food, Badly: A quick, fun romp wherein 3 runaway kobolds settle an argument through gluttony. One thinks the city is the best place to live, the second heard about a cave of desires, and the third advocates stealing from a witch. They part ways, agreeing that whoever gains the most weight in a year will have found their new home. Nothing explicit. Excerpt: "Riska was taken aback as they strolled the streets of the human city. Until now, they were under the impression the tall ones slept when the sky was dark. But many still bustled to and fro under the light of lamps, some apparently on business, other obviously seeking pleasure. Keeping their purpose in mind—and feeling like their stomach was imploding—Riska followed the latter types and soon found a bustling row of taverns. Their sharp, draconic nose soon picked up a dizzying array of scents. Never had they sensed so much or so many kinds of food in one place before, but this was how they imagined the caravans from their grandfather’s stories."

6. Doubling Up: Tessa the centaur and Lina the werewolf have a new housemate who likes to cook. A lot. And even though she stopped to eat her fill on the way home already, Tessa can't bring herself to turn down a centaur-sized portion of home-cooked food. And oopsie, it awakens something in her...and in Lina. (Feedism, it awakens feedism.) Explicit. Excerpt: "She couldn’t possibly eat more tonight, right? But also…what if she could? She felt she had to try. The first bite solidified her decision. Like the rest of the meal, the cobbler showed RJ to be a brilliant cook. Bite after bite disappeared between Tessa’s lips. She was in a haze, but she kept eating. When the pie was gone, she paused and let a new wave of fullness wash over her. She’d pushed her limits tonight, for sure. But as long as she didn’t make this a habit, she figured there was no harm in the extra indulgence."

#me #my writing #feedee writing

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wc-confessions · 1 year

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I HATE that the Erins made a whole ass manga about how "No one is BORN evil! Our circumstances shape who we are!" and then turn around and say cats like Brokenstar and Tigerstar were Born That Way and nothing would have been different. Like Brokenstar was abused and spoiled(I am not blaming Lizardstripe for not wanting him and I sympathize with her on that. It sucks that she was forced into taking care of this kit that she didn't want when she didn't really want the ones she already had. I AM going to criticize her for abusing him considering in either PoT or OotS Jayfeather sees a memory of Yellowfang's where Lizardstripe is nipping him and depriving him of milk. It wasn't his fault that his father was a piece of shit who forced this onto her.) by his father, Tigerstar grew up in an environment where everyone talked about his kittypet dad and the medicine cat treated him like the Antichrist. Don't even get me STARTED on Thistleclaw's mentoring.

It deflects responsibility from the cats and society who played a part. True, their actions are theirs. Nothing excuses Brokenstar murdering babies or Tigerstar executing two apprentices. But to say "Oh there's nothing that could be done. They were just BORN like that. Guess nothing needs to change!" just. Makes me so angry.

#confession #tinyfieryghost #text #warriors #warriorcats #warrior cats #wc #brokenstar #tigerclaw

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dragondemoness · 1 year

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the Junko and Mukuro ditzy little brother prompt so how about dealing with the girl that he has a crush on and also first finding out their precious baby brother has a crush, but with Maki and Tenko I just would love to see them being overprotective big sisters and wanting their brother to be with a girl that treats them right. Lol let's hope tenko passes

Junko and Mukuro Finding out their Ditzy Younger Brother has a Crush on Maki and Tenko (separate)

Dealing with Maki

They’re not a fan of her

Junko thinks she’s a creepy bitch, and Mukuro thinks she’s sketchy

For someone who was the “Ultimate Child Caregiver”, she had a very unfriendly attitude

Mukuro isn’t even sure that’s her real talent

Technically she would be correct, but we’re leaving that out

So what do they do?

SPY

They follow you and spectate your little hangouts

You seem much happier with her, and even Maki is smiling more

But nah, fuck that

The second you leave, they’re on your ass

“(Name)! What the hell are you doing with creepy pigtails girl?!”

“Easy, Junko. (Name), we’re concerned that Harukawa isn’t everything she says she is. We advise that you steer clear of her.”

You didn’t take that shit and booked it straight home

Junko doesn’t feel bad about it, but Mukuro can’t take you ignoring her

As long as you’re happy, that’s all that matters, right?

So they reconciled with you and had a talk with Maki

“I already know you two don’t trust me. You think I can’t hear you spying on (Name) and I? And you don’t have to worry. I may not be the most approachable person, but (Name) means a lot to me, and I’m not gonna sit around and bully him.”

They’re still wary of her, but at least she makes you happy

So they can tolerate her for now

Up until the truth comes out

Dealing with Tenko

HELL. NO.

No brother of theirs is gonna end up with a sexist bitch

Their words, not mine

They had no idea why you tried so hard to be her friend, but it wasn’t worth it

It couldn’t have been

Even when they spy on the two of you, it pisses them off

Tenko acts like such a bitchy tsundere towards you, even though she isn’t directly rejecting your offers to hang out

They’re about to interrupt when Tenko suddenly excuses herself

And you’re still staring after her with that dumb, lovestruck look in your eyes

After she leaves, they jump out and confront you

“(Name), what the fuck was that?! I know you’re always on our asses for being overprotective, but that was just ridiculous! Grow some self-respect, jeez!”

“I have to agree. No amount of desperation is worth the way she treats you.”

And like always, things don’t go well and you ghost them for a while

But both of them think they’re totally in the right

You deserve way better than that

But of course, you disobey their wishes and continue hanging out with Tenko

They’re prepared to shut it down until they notice something different

Tenko was… Improving?

She was a lot less rude towards you, though she still seemed stiff and awkward

At this point, this was driving them nuts

They needed to know what Tenko’s angle was

So they confronted her after you left

“I get why you two are worried. My master taught me to be wary of men. But (Name) has been helping me get better about it, even though I was super rude to him. But I promise it’s not gonna happen again. Even if it’ll take getting used to, I’ll give him all the love he deserves, I swear!

They’re still not sure where they stand with her, but she seemed truthful, so maybe they can give her a chance

So then, they reconcile with you and give you their “blessings” to date Tenko

They’ll still spy on you guys every once in a while, to make sure Tenko holds up her promise

And if she continues, maybe they can tolerate her

#danganronpa #danganronpa x reader #danganronpa trigger happy havoc #danganronpa killing harmony #platonic danganronpa x reader #junko enoshima x reader #mukuro ikusaba x reader

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fireofjudgement · 1 year

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Kind of a spoiler ask, but in the hospital reader is kind of roaming about. She keeps being drawn to one room so she finally goes inside. She sees niragi and chishiya. They see her. There’s this feeling like deja vu, but none of them can place it.

Reader and niragi kind of stare at each other for a minute. Reader starts feeling emotional but doesn’t show it, maybe her eyes get shiny with tears slightly.

She apologizes for bursting into their room and excuses herself

Bestie, I liked that idea so much, I had to write a little something. For some reason I kinda made it a Niragi pov, I hope that's okay.

Other places, familiar faces

Warnings: swearing, some angst, gn!reader

Word count: 804

"So, what's your plan?" He finally decided to break the silence. Afterall, they were most likely about to spend multiple days stuck in a small room together. They might as well get to know each other. Or at least pretend to - just one of these circumstantial interactions that only last for a specific amount of time and never turn into anything substantial. Although Niragi would lie if he said the man didn't intrigue him, something about him seemed so familiar, despite Chishiya being a complete stranger. Maybe it was their shared experience? Yeah, that had to be it. "You know, turning your life around, becoming a better person, and all that bullshit."

"I don't have one." The man answered in a calm tone. Niragi still wasn't sure whether he found it soothing or annoying. Or maybe, somehow, both. "I'm not even sure if you can really plan to become a good person."

"Well, I certainly didn't plan to become a villain either." He wasn't really sure why, but for some reason Chishiya's answer disappointed him. It almost felt like an attack on him specifically. "And yet everyone I've ever met thought they were better than me, and that they can treat me like shit because of it."

"I don't-"

Chishiya didn't get to finish his thought, distracted by something, or rather someone, outside of the room. He couldn't see very well, but they didn't look like anyone he'd know. Not that he had people who'd care about his well-being anyway.

"What is it?"

"I'm not sure. I think someone's trying to get in here. I wonder what's stopping them. The door isn't even locked."

"Why do you care anyway? You don't look like someone who's got a lot of friends. And I sure as hell don't either."

"Maybe. But that doesn't change the fact that someone's there. Maybe one of us has a secret admirer." Chishiya couldn't help but make the last part sound extra ironic. The thought of either of the men having someone so interested in them that they got shy even trying to face them was rather laughable. But he was willing to entertain it, admittedly curious as to why, out of all the rooms available, that poor soul chose theirs.

After what seemed like an eternity, the door finally opened. Slowly, quietly. If it wasn't for Chishiya, Niragi would probably not even notice your presence, you didn't even try to make up an excuse for why you entered the room. Truth be told, you didn't really know yourself. Something was drawing you to that specific part of the hospital, a quiet, yet persistent, voice telling you to go explore. You spent hours fighting yourself, part of you curious about the two strangers, part of you embarrassed by invading their privacy like that, especially given the circumstances. All of that inner turmoil made it impossible for you to move, or even say anything, your emotions so visible, your face like an open book for them to read.

The two men didn't react immediately either, only prolonging the awkward silence. None of you said it out loud, but this wasn't the first time you met, that much was obvious. You didn't know how or why, when or where, you couldn't recall any memory of talking to either of them, and neither could they. But the longer you stood there, the more overwhelming it all became. Looking at the dark-haired man was especially painful, and, unbeknownst to you, he felt quite uncomfortable as well. He wasn't used to feeling like that. Like he cared about someone other than himself.

Niragi wanted to say something, solve the mystery and keep you from leaving but, after mere seconds, or maybe a few years? you excused yourself, your words barely a whisper, and ran out of the room. He could swear he saw tears running down your face as you were leaving.

"That your ex or something?" As soon as you disappeared, he was forced back into reality by Chishiya's question. The man was trying to act as unbothered as possible, but he wasn't fooling anyone - Niragi could see that he, too, was more upset at the sudden intrusion than he was willing to admit.

"No, I don't.." He sighed, feeling a headache slowly creeping up on him. That topic has always been awkward for him. "I'm not like that."

"It's okay." Chishiya chuckled, clearly not surprised by Niragi's answer, but amused nonetheless. "I've never cared for relationships either."

"Well, then I guess we have one thing in common."

He didn't answer immediately, still pondering your visit in their room, trying to figure out why it affected both of them so much in the first place.

"You know.." He finally spoke, still deep in his thoughts. "We might have more in common than you think."

#thanks for your ideas they're always amazing #alice in borderland #aibspoilers #i guess #aib #niragi suguru #chishiya shuntaro

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whumpshaped · 1 year

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Guilty conscience

Dollhouse Masterlist

trigger warnings: emeto, paranoia and anxiety, memories of noncon bodymod and gore, lady whumper, lady whumpee

He fell to his knees, too weak to support his own weight. His ears were ringing, and his mouth felt dry even after retching. He was never going to erase the picture of Grace standing over that girl with bloody hands and a bone saw from his head.

Jonathan could barely hold it together as he staggered towards his car. He drove away as fast as he could, pulling over at the nearest public parking spot. He’d just wanted to get away, to leave the house, but he didn’t feel like he would be able to drive for a minute longer. He was seeing double of everything, his vision was swimming, and soon enough he had to jump out of the car so he could throw up into the bushes instead of all over the steering wheel.

What the hell happened?

‘Of course it is. Her name is Honeydew.’

He threw up again, the image of the poor girl’s messily opened chest cavity forever imprinted on his mind.

‘I want this one to be slimmer. I’m taking out a few ribs.’

“...alright?”

Jonathan could barely muster the strength to turn his head and look up at the worried stranger standing not far from him. He had a feeling they’ve been trying to get his attention for a while now. He wiped his mouth with the sleeve of his shirt, not at all caring that it was an expensive one. “I- I’m sorry, I wasn’t… paying attention.”

“I’m just asking whether you’re alright. You… don’t seem well. Do you need some water? Are you hungover?”

He wanted to tell the entire story. He wanted to scream. I just saw my sister mutilating an innocent person. I won’t be able to sleep tonight, maybe I won’t ever sleep again. Maybe she’ll get me next. I should go to the police, please help me, please.

In the end, he just nodded. Hungover. That sounded like an excuse that could work, until he figured out what the hell to do. “Hell of a- a party, last night.”

“You’re shaking, man. You need a snack. And water. I’m not even asking anymore, come on. My treat.”

Jonathan went along with the stranger - Kam - into the cafe, lowering his trembling body onto a chair across from theirs. He let them get two glasses of water and a plate of sweet waffles, choking out ‘I’ll pay for it’ before getting waved off.

“What’s going on with you? Seen some wild shit at the party? You’re incredibly pale.”

He stared at the sweets and felt his stomach protest. He wasn’t going to be able to eat, not after that. He clamped a hand over his mouth just in time, managing to only throw up into his mouth instead of the food. Bile. He had nothing left to give, after only having had a couple apples for breakfast before his meeting. He’d thought he’d be able to grab some food with his sister afterwards.

“Sorry,” he said quietly, not even knowing what he was referring to exactly. Wasting food, throwing up at the table, covering for a deranged person. No, that was the most unsettling of all: she didn’t look deranged. She didn’t look any different from her usual self, and it made him think… she’d just always been like that, below the surface. Did his parents know? Did they support her? Were they funding this mess?

“Take a sip at least.” Kam pushed the glass further towards him, and Jonathan stared at it blankly.

“I don’t think I can.”

“You’ll have to.”

He nodded. Reaching out to grab the glass felt like the most daunting task of his entire life, but he did it, lifting it to his lips and taking a tentative sip. Nice, cold water.

“You seem oddly familiar,” Kam said casually. “Like I’ve seen you somewhere before, in passing. Maybe we were at the same party.”

“Don’t think so.”

“No, you’re right, you look more like… a famous person. Like, I must’ve seen you in the paper, or tv. What’s your name again?”

“Dan. Daniel.” He had no idea why he was suddenly lying to this person. He felt… threatened. Trapped. He felt like suddenly everyone knew what his sister was doing, and if it got out that they were related, he’d be thrown in jail too. It felt like everyone would suddenly turn on him once he said the name Jonathan, and more than that, the name Bonney.

“Nope, doesn’t ring a bell.” Kam leaned back and smiled, easy and harmless. “Either way, Dan, you’re gonna have to finish that glass before I’ll let you go.”

His eyes widened at the words. “I’m n-not allowed to leave?” Was the police already here? Was Kam merely stalling until they arrived? Until they could drag him in for questioning?

Kam furrowed their brows. “No, that’s- I was just joking. Sorry. I just meant that I’d like you to drink it all, even if you can’t eat right now. Though a bite wouldn’t hurt. You’re still… shaking a little.”

“Oh.” He was making a scene for no reason. If anything, that was the thing that was going to get him caught. No, not him, Grace. He had nothing to do with it. “Y-Yeah, yeah, uh, sorry. That was weird. Um…” He willed himself to take another sip, just so he wouldn’t have to talk.

“Would you be comfortable with me giving you a lift? If you live close-by, or something. You really don’t look like you can drive. Or even just- let me call you a cab, alright? I wouldn’t be able to live with myself if I saw you on the news tonight after I let you go on your way like this.”

“No, I- I’ll get better. Please. Just, I just need a minute. I’ll eat it. I’m gonna be better in a bit.”

Kam didn’t look convinced, but they didn’t press it. They sat in silence after that, Jonathan slowly forcing himself to eat the waffles, bit by bit. He wished he could taste them.

“What… what would you do, if you saw someone you love do something horrible?” he asked abruptly, voice breaking at the end.

“I’d tell them to quit it,” they responded without hesitation. “I’ve had too many regrets about that. About just… standing on the sidelines and watching my friends do… things they shouldn’t have done. I’m not doing that shit anymore. If they’re acting like dicks, I’m going to tell them straight up. Hell, I’ll cut ties with them if they don’t stop.”

Jonathan had no idea what he’d expected. Maybe for Kam to say ‘well, depends on who it is, depends on how horrible-’ He nodded in understanding, flinching a bit when Kam leaned closer.

“Don’t be like me, okay? I don’t know what they did, or who they are, but don’t just stand there.”

“Y-Yeah. I, I won’t.”

Jonathan gripped the glass a little tighter. He was going to call his parents as soon as he got home.

taglist: @whumpsday @lonesome--hunter @reblogging-whump @panic-and-chaos @damienxozmoze @kim-poce @uwu-scraptrappy @mikaelaix @whumpinggrounds

#dollhouse #jonathan #whump #emeto #lady whump #gore #noncon bodymod

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adhbabey · 1 year

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My abuser was definitely mentally ill in a similar way to me, but pathologizing her behavior won't change the fact that she still abused me and didn't seek help.

She was someone that I desperately wanted to help, I wanted her to smile, I wanted her to be happy. I would sacrifice my own self worth just for her and I thought that would make her care. But you can't save someone that doesn't want to be saved, and you can't help someone that isn't actively seeking help themselves.

Because y'know, I thought she died, I talked her back from suicide multiple times, I was fucking devastated to think she was gone. And that could probably be a symptom of a mental illness, but she didn't seek help, she pushed away every instance of me wanting to be closer, and it doesn't matter if she was mentally ill. People should take responsibility for the way they cause other people harm, especially harm towards themselves.

And I forgave her, every single time. I forgave her for the way she disregarded me. I forgave her because she was just traumatized, she was mentally ill, she didn't mean it, because she was abused and hurt and shit when she was young. But that's not an excuse for taking advantage of someone and abusing them and neglecting them. I made a trillion and one excuses for her, and it didn't make it better. Knowing she was mentally ill and traumatized didn't stop the suffering that I faced.

The only thing that helped was confronting what she did to me, that I am angry and hurt, and holding onto those feelings until I could ultimately leave. Because if you see someone like that, and they don't get help, it's either that they can't or they just want to blame everyone and everything else for their own fucking shitty behavior.

She fucking hated it when I called her out and fought her and was openly honest about the way she treated me. She was fucking pissed and told me to move the fuck on, and that I was just bringing shit up over nothing and that I just was overreacting and making everything a big deal. It was a fucking big deal. And I still hold onto my anger because I cannot move on. I will keep holding onto it until I can process it. Until I feel safe enough to exist and not being haunted by that fucking bitch.

So if you guys need to learn ANYTHING from my experience, know that you can't save everyone and pathologizing abusive behavior does absolutely fucking nothing. It won't make you feel better, it won't make the trauma go away, it won't make you heal, it just gives the damn abuser an excuse to be a piece of shit. They chose to hurt you, so don't choose to hurt innocent people either.

Because your healing journey is about you, not about them. Don't center their bullshit and behavior in your life. It doesn't matter what they went through or what they're struggling with. You do not have to empathize with your abuser. So don't try to justify what they did to you. Unless you want to make fucking amends and help that person get better, then leave their bullshit behind.

I know what it's like to want to give a label to your experience and abuse, but they are not abusers because they are mentally ill, they are abusers because they don't fucking care that it hurts you. Find someone who will actually listen to you and turn towards you. Focus on your healing journey and not theirs. They can handle it. This is how you can move on. Holding them accountable for their shit or leaving their ass in the dust, or both. (Also loving yourself, but that's when you're actually starting to heal).

#babey posts #tw abuse #tw abuse mention #healing #trauma recovery #i was just sort of thinking and venting and it became a huge ramble #but yeah so like. listen to your anger. its what helped me #but don't let anything destroy you. take care of yourself.

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imadethisaccountforaheadcannon · 1 year

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You know I don't usually mention them but praise the voice actors of the Sun and Moon show or writer's if they actually hired some for getting legit real world problems in regards to mental health and illness.

Like Im actually somewhat recovered from PTSD and I think that the killcodes an Manifestation of those screwed up fight or flight instincts within moon and there's a good likeliness that it just put moon in safe mode so he doesen't die from ""braindamage" and is deliberately keeping away from him. Infact how sun treated moon in the past triggers my PTSD it was so alike how I was treated of course another trigger was getting into the SAMS fandom in the middle of the time where it was okay to excuse sun's actions cause he's a "pure little baby" and I had just come from a fandom where that was going on as well and I was stile reeling about it.

Also the issue of the "pure little baby thing" Infantilization that helps another get away with crimes is stile infantilization maybe if most people treated sun as the responsible one then maybe he would not have developed his anxiety issues or actually noticed and lessened his brothers burden of course theirs a chance that his ego would go way up but that's another can of lethal worms.

it's why I'm so savage to him to get his shit together cause moons completely reliant on him even when they seperated I'm so glad Monty showed up being completely reliant on only one person is really messed up.

They got me legitly worried that they would get into the way more controversial SA stuff that usually goes along with mass enslavement and torture

I'm stile not fully convinced that they didn't use the fact that they are robots to slip stuff behind the censors with how lunars creation was. It even went threw mine but at the same time this can be confirmed or denied due to them being robots and the fact that moons aroace is a other aspect.

The fact that eclipse seriously needs to get treatment for his maybe sexual sadism towards moon is another seriously not even killcode tortured moon that much.

#Sun and Moon show

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rhaenyras · 10 months

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If you look at GRRM’s cast of female characters it’s very clear that he does not like or reward the Alicent archetype so it’s no wonder her fans think she’s oppressed. The vast majority of his female characters who have some kind of substantial role in the series are willful and defiant in some way.

hmm... i tried to inquire into this myself and apparently her stans think alicent is a victim because ever since her youth she's been involved in "inappropriate" relations with much older more powerful men against her will. aka king jaehaerys i and viserys i respectively.

and yeah, to be quite honest, i find it very hard to believe that thirteen year old alicent would spend her days accompanying an old dying king because she just felt like it. I don't know any such 13 year olds. it's much easier to believe her father pushed her into that uncomfortable situation in order to advance his own position at court and family's status, and she just obeyed because she didn't know better, as it is expected of someone so young. and even later when she's a full grown adult as viserys' wife, she's still too young to be a mother and finds no joy in sharing his bed, on top of that.

and dont get me wrong, i am the first who's more than willing to frame powerful men as the source of all evil and abuse, both in the fictional and real world. alicent definitely is NOT responsible for the way her relationships with these kings started nor the undocumented harassment she might have suffered by them, as she couldn't have agreed to any of that, at least in one case, on account of being a minor.

as much as i can appreciate all this and recognize how depressing and underwhelming half her life might have been, it still doesn't excuse the way alicent later betrayed rhaenyra's trust and actively worked against her former friend and also against the political agenda that would bring about change (possibly an improvement for victims of powerful men such as herself too!!!).

alicent truly had no business using her own sons by the king she so despised to snatch rhaenyra's birthright away from her so called "childhood companion". if power and agency over her own life were what alicent understandably craved, then she should have gone for it differently.

her options later in life aren't as limited as they were at the beginning of it all, so let's not pretend alicent had no responsibility in what came after.

truth is, she eventually became too absorbed in the men's game and could barely tell her own will apart from theirs. alicent herself stopped identifying as a victim (if she ever had) simply because she found herself rewarded for all her years of patience and obedience by the very men who had used and abused her, first and foremost otto hightower. she was eventually awarded an ounce of power as the "mother" of the king, aka the only other role (alongside that of the wife) that a woman can hope for under the sexist patriarchal regime. and that's enough to win her loyalty forever and bind her permanently to the side of patriarchy. she won't even try to change the very system that has treated her like shit since day one because why bother? it shouldn't be changed and she's at the top of it all now, besides. or so she wants to believe.

so, in short, do i think alicent hightower is a victim of patriarchy as much as basically any other female character in asoiaf? yes, most certainly i do. do i respect her for the way she responded to the system actively victimizing her? hell no, she became part of the systemic problem soon enough, like so many women do nowadays too regretfully

#actually thinking about how patriarchy uses motherhood to submit women and bind their cause to its own #like... you're so much less willing to rebel if you have children of your own #alicent herself must have thought that there was no other way to protect her children at some point #but naturally her children and grandchildren never would have been endangered if she hadn't set aegon up to claim the throne #rhaenyra bore them no ill will and was never gonna do them any harm #so 1) alicent created that problem for her children herself 2) then decided she would excuse every later action of hers with #'but i needed to protect my children 🥺🥺🥺🥺 i just had to'#well ..... you're the one who jeopardized their lives in the first place ali sweetie hello????#ask #anon #anonymous #alicent hightower

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deviantartdramahub · 7 months

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https://www.deviantart.com/comments/4/80757935/5070403795

Alright, today I'm talking about this thread to talk about this unfortunate encounter with this Probium person.

First things first, they intruded the conversation I was having with this Patchi person, who was fortunately way more kinder and understanding than the person I'm mainly talking about. But anyways, Probium for whatever reason thought our conversation was his business now, and entered to bring out their hatred. Also going "I don't intend to attack Club" *he says as he's attacking Club and immediately trying to get me to unfriend him* After I tried reasoning with him about how untrustworthy Club's harassers are, he spams me with two replies at once for some reason, the first one saying "I'm autistic (doctor-diagnosed). I don't RP with anyone, especially not including diaper fetish" Uhh okay I didn't ask, what does that have to do with anything?? I never said YOU were the bigoted one, you moron, and you're also further slandering Club by saying it's a fetish, so "I don't intend to attack Club" my ass. Then the other thing they said was "Why don't you look through it and analyse for yourself, and how do you know these are bigoted trolls? If I told you I was one of those people exposing him, AND I'm autistic (he claims to be autistic too), how would you feel?" Look through and analyse for myself? HONEY PLEASE, I've been a victim of theirs myself! I know damn well what's going on with those fuckers. Maybe don't assume I don't know shit when I do. And if you told me that I would be like "Okay I don't know you and you're admitting to contributing to the harassment of my friend?? Lol okay then ig get blocked." You want to pretend you're special, but you just invaded a conversation. You were never a friend, I won't treat you any different than I treat the other DADramaNow trolls, dear. Also it's a shame your contributing to ableism when you yourself have autism, tsk tsk.

They then wanted me to define bigoted and list reasons why I knew DADramaNow was that. So I did. I gave them a good list. And I'll admit the things about Tam was a misunderstanding. Though rather than talking about my reasons like a normal person, they simply brushed off ALL my reasons with a "no". Then proceeded to rant about Club. "In fact, I have reasons to believe Club is bigoted. Transgender woman named Eden Knight committed suicide knowing that she was sent to Saudi Arabia to possibly be executed? "Oh no! Anyway..." also, constantly shunning other people's stories and struggles to make way for his own to vent about his love for diaper 5yos and make the AUTISM excuse." Yeah now I definitely know the whole thing about "nOt InTeNdInG tO aTtAcK cLuB" is bullshit to try and look innocent. I'm not dumb or blind, honey. And explain to me how the living Hell that woman committing suicide should be blamed on Club??

Of course I was having NONE of this bullshit anymore. It was clear all this person wanted to do was slander my friend and didn't want to listen to a thing I said, Ig a sad attempt of manipulating me to get away from him? But that whole thing was just immature as fuck. I then cut ties with him there and blocked him after giving the final blow, bc there was absolutely no reason to continue dealing with that headache of a "conversation". Why bother trying to talk to someone if they're just gonna tune you out and only worry about what THEY think and what THEY have to say??

I honestly shouldn't even TRY to reason with people like this, yet I tried anyways. And look where that got me -_-

DADramaNow and their supporters don't want reason, they just want mindless slander.

The saddest part is people misunderstand how trust is supposed to work, and that gets us in this kind of situation.

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literaphobe · 2 years

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The thing is, mich, it’s not even just what you said about Chrissy. Which was shitty. I just think you’re toxic. Like publicly celebrating because two people you dislike broke up? How can you think that’s okay? I don’t even know who you were talking about tbh but that’s fucked up.

I honestly don’t have any ill will toward you but you have to realize we’re not all crazy or evil or whatever. You’re just not a very nice person. But I don’t want you to stop writing or have a mental health crisis or anything. Just like maybe try to be nicer? Idk.

You don’t have to publish this. Or you can. Idc.

im going to be completely honest here because i need to get this off my chest or i won’t sleep:

- i have spent hours thinking about the situation with chrissy. i have been wracking my brain this entire time trying to find context for it. friends i’ve spoken to have also told me they have zero memory of me saying anything hateful or spiteful about them. of course in the dms u talk shit or say not nice stuff about things you don’t like even if it isn’t malicious. but of everyone that i could’ve possibly felt comfortable saying something like this to, none of them remember me saying anything. obviously im not saying my memory is the law, but in the case that i really did say a fic of theirs is boring and badly characterized and that i only pretended to like it, i am genuinely sorry and i was devastated to know that chrissy felt betrayed by me, whether it was true or not. all i can say is that’s definitely not an opinion i hold, and i continue to wish chrissy the best. that’s what tore me apart the most about all this. i also genuinely really liked you so finding out that you blocked me and hated me also really upset me. neither of you are obligated to change that stance, i’m just telling my truth

- the other stuff: i regret treating this place like its a privtwt account. that was really stupid and dumb of me and i apologize for the posts i made. i don’t just laugh at people out of nowhere. i laughed at a person i didn’t like no longer being in a romantic relationship as a joke. it’s a bad joke, and it’s not an excuse, and i shouldn’t have been publicly dwelling on past beef. i was in a bad headspace, and i still am to be frank, but i should have shut up . i’ll admit that! but it’s not out of nowhere. a certain circle who i won’t name were brutal to me and contained people who either privately or publicly subtweeted me and shit on me and a bunch of them were cheering and laughing when that honest fic review shit happened. some of them only changed their minds or pretended to care when they realized the account was gunning for multiple writers or saw what the tl was saying. maybe im not the only one who needs to be nicer. i will also say i would not have known half the people i’ve ever vagued on here if none of them had ever said anything about me. since im apparently being crucified over something i supposedly said in private, does that mean everyone’s all good and chill with being held accountable for what they said whether public/private?

#ask #negativity tw

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