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jamspai-blog · 6 years

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Shingeki No Kyojin Fanfiction: Prologue [Part 2]

Unfortunately, I myself do not have the exact answers to these incisive questions. As much as I would like to inform you of the best ways to retain happiness, I am afraid that this is just another thing that I am unable to provide. You would think that after all of this attempted wisdom I just spewed, I would have the answer to at least one thing. I am sorry for that.

But if there is something that I do know, it is that we must locate beauty wherever we set foot upon. There will always be a lavish patch of light stitched somewhere within a blanket of darkness. Always. There is no such thing as darkness without light. You just have to search for it.

Now although I may not have answers, I do have faith. The amount of faith you possess may waver from mine, or you may have an entirely contrasting faith altogether. That is irrelevant. But as long as we believe in somebody or something, whether it be a higher power, a materialistic item, or even yourself, I believe that we can accomplish both anything and everything. I know I previously stated that where we end up is most important, and while that is still true, we must never forget where we came from, for that is what will meld us into the driven individuals we will soon become.

My time may be limited here, but I write this in the hopes that you will soon discover this measly journal I have left you with. There is a generous number of entries scrawled within, so if you are able to bring yourself to the end of this one, then I highly recommend taking a quick glance at some of the others. But take your time. Nobody is asking you to absorb yourself within it all at once; that would be asking too much. I tend to ramble and unleash the truest forms of my thoughts, so I give my deepest apologies if some of these writings are a bit long for your liking. Do not worry, though. If you are to never read this, I will never live to know. It appears that Death is making his visit at last and since I have made him wait long enough, it would be rude of me to keep him waiting any longer.

Perhaps you are wondering how I am holding up right now, how I must feel in my last moments before Death nimbly whisks away my soul.

To put it simply: there is a boisterous yet tranquil ambience that indulges in my surroundings. I would like to say that I am not fearful right now...but maybe I am. My brain and my heart are on two opposing sides of a polychromatic spectrum; they have traveled down two incompatible trails. You see, my brain is calm. It emits a sense of acceptance and is thoroughly prepared for its demise. But my heart feels otherwise. It violently hammers inside of my feeble chest, oblivious to its arrived expiration date. It cannot fathom the fact that all of my memories, not to mention the microscopic neurons that dance along my various axons and gracefully leap from one synapse to the next, will be shut down and locked away into an eternal limbo that they will never be able to escape from. I cannot blame my heart for feeling this way. After all, it is immensely dispiriting to watch somebody's creative intellect and involuted thought processes go to such waste. My ideas, they will only dissipate, without ever being implemented as something phenomenal. The line will cut short here, transfixed. I truly endure sorrow for my timid heart.

I believe that we all have a specific wedge in our heart designated to holding a palpable kind of fear, one that is dedicated to the unknown, the unpredictable. It is a bustling cluster of clashing emotions and defeatist assumptions, impeding our sights, minds, and hearts. A deadly concoction of apprehension and anxiety, every nerve ending in our body is laced with anticipation. The whirl of fear swarms around us and hurriedly closes in the distance between us, cradling us into an aggressive chokehold. The bundles of fog turn into hands and refuse to let go. We are paralyzed.

It is slightly demoralizing to realize that most of our fears stem from the mind itself and not from what physically lies in front of us.

Once it sinks in that I am finally gone, you must understand that the world will continue to spin at the listless pace it always has. Frost-covered grass will still languidly turn into snow-laden fields as an indication of a new season approaching. A scarlet sun will still gleam against the horizon of a sky banded with prominent hues of orange and pink as it makes its descent in a perfect trajectory along the earth. The wind will still whisper soothing lullabies into the stiff night air as it moves the trees and flowers with its delicate voice, liquid like honey. Despite me no longer being here, everything will continue to move forward. The streets will remain unrestrained with the loud cries of adolescence reverberating off of every brick wall. People will steadily laugh and create unforgettable memories with their loved ones. Happiness will pursue.

Life will move forward, but perhaps your mind will not. It may be perforated with a solemn silence, possibly even rage, albeit temporary. 'Why?' You might ask. 'Why are these people not grieving like I am? How do they have the audacity to smile and be happy at a time like this? Did somebody not just die?' I know you too well. I am certain that these are the questions running through your troubled head at this very moment. Well, you see, my precious child, if you take the time to view things from a logical perspective, you will then become aware. Remember what I said about the fine line that sits sharply between our emotions and the overall purpose of our existence. Do not let it become dim.

These people did not know me. They do not know me. They never will know me. So of course they are not saddened by this tragic turn of events. Death befalls us when we least expect it to. It is an occurrence in everybody's life, and it just so happens that today is the day it comes by us. Yesterday was somebody else's day, and tomorrow will yet again be somebody else's day as well. Yesterday, somebody grieved. Tomorrow, somebody will grieve. But today, it is your turn. I would like to apologize beforehand since there are not many people that you can share your grievances with.

Every individual has their own set of grievances. Some sets are favorably small while others are larger and more heart-rendering. We cannot judge either set so quickly. For those who have not had much to grieve over, it should not be a surprise to see them become upset over something that you consider as minorly upsetting. The same way that for those who have had a great deal to grieve over, it should not be a surprise to see them not even flinch at the idea of something you consider majorly upsetting. Neither person is overly sensitive or heartlessly incompetent. It all comes back down to the circumstances in which they were raised, along with the experiences they have grown up with. We should learn to treat emotions like we do skills. If somebody has a talent for creating art at the age of thirteen while somebody else has more mediocre abilities even though they may be older, it is most probable that the thirteen year old has had more practice over the years. If a thirteen year old is not unnerved by death compared to someone who is much older, is it not because they have most likely had more experience with death in the first place? Personally, I find it to be common sense.

In this city, we are accustomed to making choices swiftly and without haste. It is more of an 'act before you think' kind of deal, otherwise you might be lying dead in a soot-stained alleyway if you take the time to think first. But when you do get a free moment, take the time to sit down and reflect. Every action you make, every step you take, there is a reason behind it. Make sure you know that reason and can stand behind it and accept it for what it is.

As humans, we make mistakes. Bounteous mistakes. We never really know where our choices are going to lead us. I sometimes have the impression that everything happens for a reason while other times, I am more inclined to the impression of 'you get what you give'. Especially in a world as corrupt as this one, infested with man-eating Titans and where every moment is filled with volumes of unpredictability, there is much room for mistakes to be made. But a mistake made does not necessarily mean that one is at fault. Alas, my own mistakes have landed me in an unpleasant location, left to rot away with my dignity. If I could go back in time, I would. Regret is a terrible feeling.

So please.

My dear Maika.

I have but one wish for you.

The world has had its beginning, but it has yet to meet its end. Too much has gone into the making of the molecular structure of atoms and particles for you to let it all deteriorate. As far as we know, time is infinite, therefore, our efforts in mending the broken parts of the world we currently live in are infinite as well. And to mend, you must find freedom.

I wish for you to find freedom.

That is ultimately the biggest picture.

I will not tell you to never give up, to love yourself, or to stay strong. I am sure that you are already aware of that. But what I will tell you is that I have faith in you to accomplish those things. I have faith that you will find your reason for living and that you will find what will help you become the best possible version of yourself that you could possibly be. Just remember: whatever that may be, never forget that all in all, you are loved, and you can conquer anything that you want, no matter where you come from and no matter how high you are reaching.

Good luck.

I will be waiting for you when your time has finally come.

And I hope that you can find it in yourself to forgive me for not being able to provide you with enough love and care that a child should properly receive from their mother. I promise to do better in our following lifetimes.

Until we meet again.

Mother.

#Y’all #Lol #Why am I always so dissatisfied with my work #???#Idk man #I guess I will only improve with practice #I’m on spring break rn so I should technically be doing fun stuff that relate to my hobbies but wait #Ahahaha #It’s currently 2 am and I have to wake up at 6 for soccer practice tomorrow #Shingeki No Kyojin #Fanfiction #I have too much homework ;-;

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