#until it has become a bloated demon in your mind that is totally separated from reality | Explore Tumblr Posts and Blogs

itspileofgoodthings · 4 months

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also I had a breakthrough today that I had in fact overthought a Specific Problem to Death and that I had created a monster in my own mind and that’s why it felt like I was being eaten alive every time I tried to solve it.

#not to put too fine a point on it but that’s what happened with the whole is Maria going to become a nun question tbh #and I needed a counselor to say to me objectively and yet also crucially without any knowledge of me or my past:#you have overthought this and now you’re terrified of it #anyway it’s so obvious but it came home to me today. slowly.#like it was just like. Oh. You did it again #you’re terrified of this because you have thought of every possibility and every outcome and every twist and turn and shadow—-#until it has become a bloated demon in your mind that is totally separated from reality #while made up of real facts and details! and tbh I know it’s a common problem #but the anxiety chokehold I can put myself in is something that is so impressive and so disturbing #I can render myself absolutely helpless through the meanderings of my own thoughts #and what makes it worse—immeasurably worse—is that I get OUT of problems through careful thought and analysis #I’m programmed that way #so I can’t escape it by the usual means. I have to back away from the monster and see it and NAME it and then it can die away.#and only THEN can I apply my usual ways of going about things. I don’t know it just all clicked today #these past few days have just been bringing it all to a fever pitch for me #anyway I guess it’s also important to me that I still be allowed to be analytical about it!!! I have to use my brain!!!!!!!#in my desperation I have tried to shut it off to feel only with my heart. To try to catch the whisper of God’s voice in the wind #but tbh I am meant to use the gifts I have! But only in the right context #and that’s only after the demon has been killed or more accurately —deflated #my counselor has been so good about this tbh. she’s so matter of fact and blunt and salt of the earth and also she sees how my mind works #and wants me to be able to use it!!#so I’m just going to tell her that I did the bad thing with this other problem and can she help me find a way forward #ANYWAY THE MONSTERS TURNED OUT TO BE JUST TREES

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