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actualtext · 1 year

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Dec 10, 2022

Reflection 2

1. What is going on inside your head right now?

I feel really accomplished because I worked all night and was able to make like $400 which got me only $100 away from my goal. I worked so hard because I wanted to take Saturday off to spend at a friends birthday. I'm gonna try to make the last $100 on Sunday. :)

2. What negative emotion keeps cropping up the most lately?

I've been talking to friends about different things and have made a few realizations after being asked "have you mentioned this to your therapist?"

first, I think I have an issue pretending that things are okay when it comes to authority figures. I've done this since I can remember. I think it started when I was young and didn't want to stress my mom out. It went on even at doctors appointments where I would pretend my reflexes were perfect by purposely kicking my leg out when the doctor hit my knee with their tool. I got caught once and never did it again. Once I was in a study where I had to take medicine for diabetes and I didn't like the size of the medicine or how the medicine made me feel but instead of telling the doctors, I would flush them down the toilet and try really hard to control my blood sugar. I was 11 and didn't quite know how important the study was. Ultimately I came out with the truth because they called me out on my glucose log. I wanna think that I've been genuinely happy to meet with you (because I am genuinely excited to finally be able to talk to a therapist), but after reflecting, I'm worried I might be masking, we have only had three sessions so it might just be that it's too early, but this was a concern of mine.

second, I told my friend that I have felt like I'm stuck in the past. Not so much like on the outside but I feel like I got stuck where I was mentally as a young adult. I don't feel like my life is progressing like it should. Sometimes I feel angry that I didn't get to experience certain things that young people get to experience cause we were homeless. Other times I feel angry that I'm not as "grown" as I feel like I should be at my age. Like... why am I still wearing vans other than I like them, I'm used to them, and I can finally afford them as an independent person? I feel like they're very youthful. I worry I might be stuck dressing like a teenager or worse, reacting like one.

third, I'm angry that my aunt is unsure that I was sexually assaulted. I'm angry she's using her religious beliefs as a reason to be neutral. It hurts me so bad because I'm not asking her to take any specific actions, I just want her to genuinely understand why I'm feeling the way I am. I'm also envious that she doesn't understand what I'm going through. That she can go on planning for Christmas and I'm just kind of stuck in the same anxiety inducing position of having to tell her I'm not going to the family gathering if there's even a slight chance my cousin wj be there. A part of me doesn't want to go also because of the first part of "third". I don't feel loved like I used to because she doesn't believe me.

3. What has made you the happiest lately?

getting back on the grind, making money, being able to buy things for myself and for others cause i can. Having what I need right when I need it cause I can buy it in this capitalist society. Today specifically, I walked into a hot topic and bought my friend a $25 tshirt for her birthday without even having to check my account. Gosh dang, that felt nice and stress free and exciting.

4. The last time you felt this way, what did you do?

the last time I felt accomplished due to making the money I needed, I paid all my bills and created a spreadsheet of an avalanche debt payoff plan to give my self that nice feeling of being on top of things. Felt so good. I probably also bought my favorite dinner that whole week.

5. What holds you back the most from moving on from negative emotions?

I think just the fact that some things take time to resolve and they aren't being resolved quickly. For example the thing with my aunt. I don't know how to explain to her how I feel without attacking her for not believing me wholeheartedly. The other day I was driving a passenger to his house in Kyle tx, and we passed a street that was named the same as the street my cousin lives on. I shut my app off and went home cause I didn't feel good. So random triggers catching me off guard.

6. Which emotions are you trying to avoid right now? why?

im trying to avoid losing this motivation. I'm actually feeling somewhat okay (thanks to my excitement over my great work night), and I wish I could just get all my shit together. There's a pile of clothes on my floor, I'd like to start wrapping Xmas gifts, and basically figure my life out over night 😂😂😂. There's so much I wanna do and I just hope I feel this way tomorrow and the next day and so forth.

7. What is your inner critic telling you lately?

im a trauma dumper and shouldn't be as vocal about my struggles.

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faulty-writes · 4 years

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Minor Festival Anxiety

Warning: Mentions of Anxiety, Panic Attacks, Self Esteem Issues.

Fandom: My Hero Academia

Pairing: MiriTama (Mirio Togata and Tamaki Amajiki)

Tamaki knew this was a bad idea, he knew it from the start. As soon as his blond-headed boyfriend mentioned going to the Hero Festival, a celebration of the Pro Heroes and aspiring heroes alike. A dedication to thank them for all the duties and self-sacrifice they commit. Sure it sounded wonderful on the surface, but given Tamaki’s social anxiety. He would have preferred to stay home but then again, Mirio was a hard person to argue with.

“Please, please, please Tamaki!” Mirio begged, putting his hands together and even going as far as to get onto his knees which caused Tamaki to fluster. “M-Mirio! Get up, please! Uh ...we’re in public!” The words came out with a gentle hiss and he had to admit, he felt annoyed when Mirio just laughed in response. “Say yes and I’ll get up!” Tamaki growled in his throat. Sometimes Mirio made him want to pull his hair out.

“F-Fine! I’ll go, just get up!” He said with a groan, partly hiding his face. He could practically feel the stares on them, he just wanted to go home! Why did Mirio have to make such a big scene out of everything!? But either way, it seemed to make his overly energetic boyfriend happy and he sprung back onto his feet. Pulling Tamaki in for a hug, which only further embarrassed the boy. “Thank you Tamaki! I promise I’ll make it fun and I’ll pay for everything!”

Of course, Tamaki might have underestimated just how bad his social anxiety could get. At first, it seemed okay, walking alongside Mirio in the crowd. Sharing a drink and some food. Watching Mirio try his luck at a few games, desperate to show off and win a prize for Tamaki. But as the day went on, and the crowd grew larger. His anxiety started to rile up, he cringed every time he accidentally brushed someone else’s shoulder and awkwardly stood hidden behind a tree when Mirio went to use the restroom.

His hands were curled up into his chest, his heart beating rapidly in his chest. He could feel it pulsing in his ears. His stomach twisted and he had a bad feeling as though he were going to vomit at any moment. His breathing was uneven and though he had a strong desire to run. To go home and just hide away from the world. Forget about this day. As badly as he wanted that and as awkward as he felt. His feet wouldn’t move, almost like they were stuck to the ground.

“M-Mirio ...” His boyfriend’s name left his mouth quietly as he directed his attention to the ground. He trembled, his paranoia seeming to get the better of him as he swore he felt eyes on him. Letting out a staggered breath, he covered his face with his hands. Tightly shutting his eyes, maybe the world would go away if he did. “Tamaki?” His head shot up when he heard his name, seeing Mirio’s concerned expression nearly made him feel guilty.

Mirio took a step forward, his hand gently outstretched. “Are ...are you okay Tamaki? You don’t look so good.” The raven swallowed, his mouth was so dry he wasn’t sure if he could even answer. Instead, he simply shook his head. Mirio frowned, he knew too well about Tamaki’s social anxiety but he wanted to show him a good time anyway. Maybe he didn’t try hard enough? Well, that didn’t matter right now, what mattered was putting a smile back on Tamaki’s face.

“I’m ...I’m sorry Tamaki, uh can I ...can I hug you?” It was no surprise his boyfriend was a little delicate at times. “Y-Yeah ...” Mirio nodded. “Okay ...” He stepped closer, carefully wrapping his arms around his trembling boyfriend. Pulling him close, Mirio reached up to run his hand through Tamaki’s messy hair. Hoping it would at least calm him down a little. But he sighed, “I’m sorry Tamaki, I really am! I was only trying to show you a good time!”

He could only nod in response, he knew his boyfriend meant well and those arms around him helped some. But overall, Tamaki couldn’t help but feel like a fool. Sometimes he wished he didn’t have anxiety. It just weighed down on him too much and he felt like a burden to others. Especially Mirio, his boyfriend was so damn social. Hell Mirio could talk to anyone with no problem and all Tamaki ever did was stutter and avoid crowds. What did Mirio ever see in him?

“Tamaki ...” He gasped when he felt Mirio’s gentle hand cup his face, noticing how moist his cheek felt against the palm of that hand. Wait ...was he? Mirio leaned in closer, a worried expression on his face. “Please don’t cry, I’m really sorry. Dang, it! I should have ...should have paid closer attention to you. I know you don’t like crowds and all. We can go home if you want ...” Mirio suggested, continuing to wipe away those droplets that fell from Tamaki’s eyes.

“N-No ...” Tamaki finally managed to stutter out, his hands reaching up to grasp onto the front of Mirio’s shirt. Leaning over, he buried his face into his boyfriend’s broad shoulder. “Hm?” Mirio was a little confused by the action but decided to let it be. After all, if it made Tamaki feel better to hide for a moment, he didn’t mind. Instead, he began rubbing his boyfriend’s back. Hoping that the small token of affection would give Tamaki some comfort.

“I s-should be the one t-that’s sorry ...” Despite the fact that his words were muffled against Mirio’s shoulder. “Hm? What do you mean Tamaki?” He gently lifted the raven’s head up before cupping his face. “It was my fault, I didn’t realize that ...well that this event would bother you so much and I-” He stopped when Tamaki shook his head, taking Mirio’s hand away from his face. “No ...i-it’s not your fault. Don’t say that, it’s mine ...because ...because of this stupid anxiety.”

“It’s not stupid! Tamaki yo-” Once more Tamaki shook his head. “It is ...” He glanced down, trembling again. “We c-can never have a proper date because of it ...just a-admit ...I’m a burden to you ...” He looked down, hanging his head. “You’re not a burden!” Mirio insisted, roughly grabbing Tamaki’s shoulders. “You’re an amazing, beautiful person! I know this because I love you Tamaki and no matter what you say or do, I will always love you!”

Slowly he lifted his head, almost cringing when he saw the angry expression Mirio was wearing. Those normal gentle blue eyes now slit and dark. That perfect smile gone, replaced with a frown. “Why ...” Was the only word Tamaki could think to say. “Because ...it doesn’t matter how many times you think you mess up or how many times your anxiety bothers you. It’s okay because it’s you.” Mirio spoke gently and reached to lift Tamaki’s head up, making the raven look at him.

“I’m here for you, always. I don’t care what happens.” He smiled and slowly leaned forward, as to not scare Tamaki. Taking a deep breath before pressing their lips together. “Mm!” Tamaki mumbled against those lips, his fingers loosening their grip on Mirio’s shirt. “Mm ...” It only took a few moments for him to melt into the kiss. It only lasted a few moments, but Mirio smiled as he pulled away. Looking down at Tamaki with a satisfied grin.

“Heh ...” A tiny smile appeared on the raven’s face, though it wasn’t as big as Mirio had hoped. But it looked like he had accomplished his goal, he had gotten Tamaki to smile and it looked like his trembling stopped. “There, that’s my sunshine!” He chuckled and pulled Tamaki in for another hug. “I’ll always make you smile if it’s the last thing I do! Now ...how about we go home? I think it’s getting a little late anyway.” Tamaki glanced down, his eyes moving ever so slightly.

“Well ...maybe we could ...hang out here a little more? A-At least try to do one more thing.” He suggested, looking back at Mirio with a determined smile. Though Mirio himself looked shocked, just for a moment before he returned the smile. “You got it!” He chuckled, giving Tamaki the thumbs up and a friendly wink. Reaching over, he took his boyfriend’s hand. Slipping their fingers together. “Hey ...Tamaki,” He said as they began walking away. “Hm?” Tamaki turned his head. “I’m really proud of you.” He almost wanted to chuckle as that soft blush came to Tamaki’s face. “Uh t-thanks Mirio.”

#miritama #mirio x tamaki

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nakalimutang-sumpaan · 3 years

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The amount of effort I put into you guys dude. ESPECIALLY you. And I don’t even have feelings for you like that... But I’ve been hearing you started talking to someone and more people close to you are adding her on IG so... I mean it’s one thing if it’s just Ading following. But now it’s even your mom, sister, and Bible teachers lol so it must be serious? I just hope she’s a good one, despite your mom not liking her for some reason.

It’s so weird how my love language is Touch and Words of Affirmation... which is true. That’s how I feel the most love. And I’m also very affectionate and touchy if I love and am comfy around you.

However, I don’t know if this is a thing but... I feel like the way I feel

(OMG YOU JUST TEXTED BC YOU JUST CAME OVER TO PICK UP YOUR GIFTS AND SAID THAT YOU JUST READ MY LETTER and AHHHH I’M LITERALLY CRYINGGG 😭😭😭❤️❤️❤️ AND IT MADE YOU “tear up a bit.. 😭 hahaha” YESSSS HAHAHAHA. And you said it was exactly what you needed to hear bc sometimes you forget and are so hard on yourself 🥺 ugh and I just assured you how much I/we look up to you and love you. And you just said “🥺 aww thanks, I love you guys too 😊” GAH but I’m sorry what?! Like dude... you’ve accomplished SO MUCH and have your life together already and are doing things people in their mid-20s or even mid-30s are trying to do, and you can’t even legally drink yet 😂 bruh. Just 🙃 are you kidding me... can I be you!? HAHA. Freaking pioneer, MS, summa cum laude, like 10 talks within a year since you first gave your first one, got a REAL ADULT JOB A MONTH AFTER GRADUATING FREAKING $35 STARTING WITH FREE COMPUTERS AND IPADS. And how you gave your sister the new iPad you got bc she gave away her old Samsung tablet to an elderly one to make it easier to access Zoom and you guys helped show her how everything works. Bought a new car... which isn’t the dream car we both found out we shared but it’s still sexy and feeling the vroom vroom just makes me 🤤 HAHA and it’s so funny bc I always know when you’re outside when you drop something off/pick something up before letting me know. Like ugh. You make it so easy to love you. I wish you’d see yourself through my eyes 🥺 or Jehovah’s eyes. Tbh though I think that was the best and most heartfelt letter I’ve ever written. Strangely enough it’s always for you. You just make it so easy. I remember when I made that card 2 years ago and freaked out bc I’ve been wanting to do that for my best friend and drew the front of her card, but all I wrote inside were a few words and just never finished. It’s still sitting in my shelf. But with you, it just flowed. And then I asked myself, “How you gonna do this for him of all people when you haven’t done it for any of your best/closest friends?” So I made Marc one and tbh that was the best card I’ve ever made LOL. Until now. For you. I hope you pin it somewhere as a reminder. I wonder if you kept the first one. I hope you did lol. But like dude... I just reread this recent one over and over after you said you just read it.. and I realized it’s like a freaking love/Anniversary letter wth LOL uh...oops?)

BUT WHAT I WAS SAYING...

The way I feel/receive love is different than how I show it. I show it moreso through yes, Touch, but I’m not very good with words. I mean sure, I’m going be as encouraging as I can be, and am one to take every opportunity to say GOOD JOB! And I’M PROUD OF YOU. But I’m not like others who can literally hype you up and are so articulate and encouraging no matter what the situation is. If you’re feeling down or sad, I feel like yes ima be there to hug you and listen. But I’m not good at responding and saying something wise right off the bat without processing first. I instead am very much an Acts of Service person. Let me do this for you. Cook cook cook. Bake bake bake. Draw and put in effort into letters and gifts. I bought this bc I saw it and thought of you (Okay I lowkey think it might actually be gift giving bc I try my best to gift personal and thoughtful things and make mental or actual notes about others haha) but yeah Idk! I think the way I experience is different that the way I express. It’s interesting.

But yo I’m crying hahaha. And it’s so funny bc I can tell you’re really still thinking about the letter and reading it again. You keep texting every few minutes. “Did I really say those things to you? Sometimes I forget what I said hahaha” “Yeah hahaha I mean it was a while back but they stuck with me 😆” It’s pretty dang cute my heart can’t take it haha. That was literally the goal though bc I have NEVER SEEN YOU CRY OR EVEN TEAR UP OR BE ONE TO SHOW ANY TYPE OF EMOTION LIKE THAT LOL. I’VE BEEN TRYING TO GET IT OUT OF YOU FOR YEARS. SO WOOHOOOO. SUCCESS! HAHA. I’M SO HAPPY YOU’RE HAPPY. YOU HAPPY MAKES MY HEART HAPPY BC YOU DESERVE THE BESTTT ☺️☺️☺️💙💙💙

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casualpastelgay · 5 years

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On Friday, April 27th 2018 at around 5:45pm my dog, Ollie, was lost to IMHA. If you’ve been following me for a while you’ve probably seen my posts about the fundraiser. It is still up on [gofundme] as well as some amazing [merch] for him that was created through the help of some amazing artists and @fiftyshadesofdes. The goal I wished to reach was $10000 to cover his costs and we reached around $1000. Since it has been a year now the need is not nearly as strong as it was, but if anyone has anything to spare it would be greatly appreciated. You can also directly send money to my paypal email which is [email protected] if that is the easiest option for you.

Under the read more I am going to have lots of pictures of my baby boy as well as some amazing memories I have of him because he was, and still is super important to me. If you want to see additional pictures of him with cute in-character captions, I made him a [memorial instagram] that you can check out if you’d like to.

This was Ollie, he was supposedly a pomeranian/corgi mix but we were never really sure what he was. He weighed a whopping 10 pounds. The moment I saw him on the adoption agency’s website we got him from I was in love with him. We went to meet him and it was an instant click. He was around 6 months old when the adoption went through, he was my first, and so far my only, dog I’ve ever owned.

Ollie really was my best friend, he was always there for me when I needed a cuddle or some kisses. Or when he just really wanted to eat whatever food I was eating.

He was by my side a lot, always giving me a gentle look that he cared, when I was on my laptop in the basement he would move the baby gate at the top of the stairs and come down and just lay next to me. It made me feel safe and cared for, growing up in the environment I grew up in, he really helped keep me sane and I like to believe he knew that.

We hung out a lot, as he got older he took more and more naps, sometimes on top of me when I really needed to be doing something else. But he was the king and he would give me a grouchy growl if I ever tried to move him from where he was resting and stubbornly flop back down.

He liked to sleep on my bed with me, except he’d usually leave at some point because I toss and turn. He had a stash of pillows he’d stolen from me at the foot of my bed and usually ended up there. After my father took him on his morning walk he would barrel back downstairs full of energy and jump on me until I gave him attention then he’d go back to sleep after a little while.

One of my proudest accomplishments was training him. When we got him I was I think between 5th and 6th grade, I taught him how to sit, stay, lay down, roll over, beg, bow, crawl, dance, jump, give his paw, give his *other* paw, come, speak, as well as a few other fun things. One thing he was never good at was leash training, I guess all dogs have their quirks, but he was a pain to walk because he zoomed all over the place.

He really liked to watch me while I was doing anything. He’d give me a stare from a few feet away until I invited him over for some snuggles or he’d just insert himself in front of what I was doing until I gave him attention. One of the silliest things he did was he’d slowly walk towards me and I’d pretend not to see him and then when he was a foot away from me I’d whip towards him and he’d run away and it would repeat and repeat until he got so hyped he got the zoomies all over the place.

Ollie really enjoyed going on our beach trips with us, we took him for a walk on the beach in the late afternoon/early evening once during every trip. Last year was the first trip we spent without him and it was really hard to get through. I went on a walk by myself down the beach at sunset, full on crying because he wasn’t there with me.

If you’re not aware, I work with dogs. I’d bring him with me every so often. Since he was getting older as I got the job he wasn’t super into coming with me since he was a really little dog and wasn’t very experienced in playing with big dogs. He did have one dog he was friends with, a chihuahua mix named Ginger.

Ollie could have been a famous dogsplayer (dog cosplayer) if he wanted to be, he was already a perfect model for pictures. And so dang cute to boot.

I really feel, in some way, that he’s still watching over me. And I hope he knows I still love him with all of my heart. Ollie, you were the best thing to ever happen to me and I will never ever forget all the good and happiness you brought me. I hope you’re enjoying doggo heaven, or wherever else you ended up.

This was his collar, I wore it around my wrist when we left the hospital. I still have it sitting on a table by my bed, tags and all. Whenever I bump it and it jingles it hurts my heart. It no longer smells like him either since it’s been so long, but I can’t bear to ever get rid of it.

Ollie. I still love you. I hope you know that. I miss you so much, every day. I hope we meet again some day and we can make up for the time we weren’t able to spend together. Goodnight, my sweet angel.

#weloveyouollie #we love you ollie #animal death #gofundme #paypal #donations #ollie #storenvy #did I cry trying to write this?? yes I did #my heart hurts so fucking much #he made life so much easier to bear #I'm still in a deep depression after losing him and I don't know when I'll get out #but I hope his memory can keep me strong #long post

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nashvilletonihon · 5 years

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To Stay Or Not To Stay...That Is The Million Dollar Question.

I’m currently sitting at my desk in the Kumihama teacher’s room. It’s Finals Week here so everyone is buzzing around and it sounds like a busy hive of bees. The students already look broken, defeated, tired. It’s been a long couple of weeks for me so I can only imagine what it’s been like for them.

I’m honestly not sure where October and November went. I remember being glad that September was over the minute it became October 1st and then suddenly I was celebrating Halloween with my ESS Club students and then it was November 1st. Now it’s 1 day away from my birthday (which I haven’t even thought about) and then it will be December 1st.

What. Is. Happening???

When I first arrived here I thought time had literally stopped. I was stuck in an endless loop of being unhappy, lonely and sad I was drowning in my own misery. Fast forward to now. November 29th. In two short months I will have to give the JET Program and my contracting schools an answer to the question of whether or not I would like to re-contract. If I say yes, my schools will then have to decide whether or not they want to extend my contract for another year. If they do, I’d be working for them again during another trip around the sun. If they don’t...well, the decision to stay or go will have been made for me.

I’ve talked to my mom and a few close friends about my decision to potentially live in Japan for another year or to move back to the States. My mother encouraged me to make a Pros and Cons list. (Something I’ve always done when faced with major, life-changing decisions.) It’s currently taped to the back of my bedroom door and at the moment, both sides are neck and neck. Neither the Pros nor the Cons have advanced past the other. Hurray for me right? How does a list like that help when they’re dead even?!

I think about what my life would be like in both scenarios. If I stay for another year I can continue to work toward my (absolutely insane) goal of eventually taking the JLPT N2. It’s an incredibly difficult test for non-native speakers that requires A LOT of work to pass. One of my friends and fellow JET’s is getting ready to take it this Sunday. She studied Japanese for four years in college AND studied abroad here and even she’s worried passing it. I wonder if I could accomplish my goal in another year and a half. If I worked my a** off, I bet I could. I at least want to take and pass the N3. (Which I’m pretty sure I can do.) That being said, if I pass the N2 I could get a job as a translator or interpreter which is something I would really enjoy doing. I could translate anime or manga or work for the government or tourism board in cities like Los Angeles, New York, Chicago, Seattle, etc... Living in Japan for another year would allow me to continue to be exposed to native speakers and Japanese every single day. The minute I move back to America I no longer have that luxury. Even though I’ve only been here for 4 months my comprehension and understanding has grown exponentially. I would be jeopardizing all of the hard work I’ve put in up ‘til now.

A major Con of continuing to live in Japan is being away from my family and friends for another year. I video chat with my momma every single day and it always pains me to have to talk to her through a phone screen. I miss being able to hop in my car and drive the 2 1/2 hours to Indiana to see her whenever I wanted. Now we constantly have to coordinate when we both have free time to talk. Being 15 hours ahead of her in the States (thaaaaanks Daylight Savings) makes things difficult, but we manage. I miss her hugs. I also struggle a lot with the fact that I am losing out on valuable time with my grandparents. I know they won’t be around forever and the guilt associated with being over here while they continue grow older is more than I can put into words. I know my family is proud of me for following my dreams but that doesn’t make being over here any easier.

Another Con (or Pro depending on how you look at it) is that I have ZERO job prospects moving back to America. Absolutely nothing. In theory I could pick up over hire work in theatre at TPAC, Nash Rep, Studio Tenn or advertise myself as a costume designer (a position I have long had a love/hate relationship with) but to be completely honest, none of that sounds very appealing right now. I’m tired of living paycheck to paycheck and constantly being worried about if I’ll be able to afford rent (we all know how ridiculous it is to live in Nashville now) or make my car payment. Yeah, yeah I know. ‘’That’s what being involved in the arts is all about! You have to suffer for it!’’ Whoever thought that was a good excuse for people to live a stressful, poor lifestyle just so they can follow their passion can shove it. It’s ridiculous we even have to do that in the first place. Yes, I want to act. Yes, it’s my everything. Yes, it’s what I am good at. But I don’t want to constantly have to struggle when I could work toward a job that I can make good money doing while ALSO acting. Is that me selling out to have a secure day job and moonlight as an actor? Maybe. I’ll be 29 on Friday. If I stay another year in Japan I’ll turn 30 here. It’s hard to believe I’m so close to being out of my twenties already. While I feel the proverbial clock ticking when it comes to the stereotypical “old actress” trope, I have to remind myself that most well-known actors didn’t even get started until their mid-30′s. I’ve got time. And being bilingual will look really cool on my resumé.

So what’s another Pro about continuing to live in Japan? Saving more money, yo. Being here for another year means more savings in the bank. It’s a pretty simple concept that would allow me to not freak out about finances when I finally move back to the States. As someone who had an incredible amount of financial stability when I lived in Los Angeles to being left with nothing after I moved to Nashville, financial stability is now incredibly important to me. (I can hear my father slow clapping from 11,000 miles away.) I’m not one for caring about money (never have been) but if I could keep adding to the savings account while also working toward a career that would help me in the long run, I’ll take that option time and time again.

Another Pro I often think about is how many more people can come to visit Japan while I’m here. My Mom, sister (Elizabeth) and friends Taylor and Erica are all coming out to visit me in the months of February and March. If I’m here for another year, even MORE people can come on out to see what this crazy magical country is all about. I think that’s pretty dang cool and am 100% encouraging everyone I know to start looking at flights now. I mean, you’ve got a personal tour guide AND a place to stay!!! What more could you need/want?!

All in all I have quite a few Pros and Cons on the list. Some of the Cons are dependent on whether or not I can somehow change them into Pros. One example would be the immense distaste I have for my base school. I am there every Monday, Wednesday and Friday. Out of those three days I might be fortunate enough to attend (not teach, mind you) 2 classes, possibly 3. Classes are 50 minutes each if we don’t have a special shortened schedule. So out of 3, 8 hour work days, I am maybe seeing the inside of a classroom for less than 3 hours each week. Compare that to my visit school where I am there on Tuesdays and Thursdays. I have 3 or 4 and sometimes 5 classes a day. I am waaaaay happier at my visit school. I found out that I can talk to my scheduling supervisors to potentially get my schedule switched so that my visit school becomes my base school and my base school becomes my visit school. This would drastically improve my outlook on the situation as a whole. Don’t get me wrong, I enjoy the other teachers at my base school (even though I don’t really talk to many of them and vice versa) and they’re all incredibly nice people. I just seem to click better with the teachers at my visit school.

Throughout all of the anxiety, worrying, stressing out and continual ‘’Should I or shouldn’t I’s’’, I have to keep telling myself that ultimately, it’s my decision and mine alone. Will it affect the people close to me? Oh, without a doubt. I know my family will hate to have me away for another year. I run the risk of being forgotten in the Nashville theatre and losing another year of shows. I already feel like my career was just beginning to take off and the desire to follow through with that is one of the strongest pulls back home yet. And then again...I have this intense desire to learn Japanese. REALLY learn it. I want to communicate with my friends, co-workers and the people who have helped to make the adjustment to life in Japan a little bit easier. I want to help Americans visit Japan and not be scared to do so because of the language barrier. Trust me when I say that the the people here are more scared to use English than you are to use Japanese.

I have a lot to think about over the next 2 months, but if I’m being completely honest (and I try to be on here), I am about 90% sure I will stay for another year. I don’t think my work in Japan is done yet. I think I can help more students, engage more cultural exchanges, help the current JTE’s teach their classes more efficiently and help infuse fun ways of learning into the mundane textbook lessons. I want to start a pen-pal exchange with the girls in my English Speaking Society Club with students from my aunt’s high school in Indiana. There is so much I want to do...and 8 more months just isn’t enough time to do it all.

Before I end this, it’s important to me that I thank the countless people, both family members and friends, who have listened to my doubts, fears, concerns and indecision about all of this over the past month. Your unwavering support and constant encouragement mean so much to me. I honestly wouldn’t still be here without your love and kindness. I am truly, truly grateful to have each and every one of you in my life, both here and abroad. Y’all the real MVP’s.

I’m sorry there aren’t any photos in this post. I’m heading to Kyoto City tomorrow for a Skills Conference and will be there all weekend. I’m going sightseeing and Christmas shopping and will be taking lots of photos so I will have plenty to write about come next week. On that note I will wrap this up and say goodbye for now. I keep telling myself I’ll be better at updating and posting and I swear I will start now. Thanks for always being patient with me!!

じゃあまた (See you!)

- レイチェル (Rachel)

#japan #jet program #travel #lifeabroad #decisions

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project-ces-sds-blog · 6 years

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“SOW DON’T SING”-Beta Reads First Draft Impressions Reflection Paper

First draft reflection paper HERE.

Last Thursday I received my feedback for the first draft of “Sow Don’t Sing,” so today’s reflection paper will be in accordance to organizing my thoughts on what has been said about it and how I’ll move forward with the second rewrite.

MAJOR SPOILERS FOR THE STORY DISCUSSED BELOW!

I’m still pretty stunned how the feedback overall has been mostly positive. I’ve never considered myself an adequate writer because of some hiccups and negative experiences back in elementary school where my enthusiasm for writing was squashed...so this is really great for me to know that I have some footing.

She also said she “can’t wait to see where this project will end up??” and that I “could send her the next drafts of the scripts in full so that she could read the whole thing comprehensively??” Cries??? I’m so thankful for her support.

My prof who did the read likes to repeatedly mention that I have “an ear for natural dialogue” (for the most part) and that I’ve “clearly got something here,” which is the greatest thing I can hear right now since the role of the binders is ground zero for spit-balling ideas and accumulating the ones that seems to stick.

How well some parts in the script operate is directly proportionate to how much material has been tinkered/stored in the design works binders...good to know, since I’d be doing something REALLY wrong if the more I do, the worse it gets. Guess I’ll continue to hammer away in this particular writing process I’ve composed for myself.

With the way things are turning out, I might only really be able to submit this script to screenwriting contests at the earliest in Fall 2019...I really hope it would be earlier or around this estimated time.

I sometimes forget about the roots of my influences of this story. It surprises me that my professor really wants to bolster the whole “Ole Lukøje” concept more in the film...I kinda held back since I was certain the idea was really, really stupid? Especially in practice lmao?? But I guess in context of the story it operated rather well...To think something I slapped on for trailer fodder became coherent...wow.

That said, I must not forget about my roots of influence. The better ideas here came directly from anime lol... (Bungaku Shoujo, Detective Conan, and Haibane Renmei, anything Yamada Naoko directs, are all subtly, but directly influenced in this mess--just not in the way you’d think.)

APPARENTLY THE BEST SCENE I WROTE IN THIS THING IS THE SEX SCENE???? THAT’S PROBABLY THE STRONGEST PART??? LMAO HOW DID I END UP HERE???

Probably the most profound question my prof asked me was “what kind of story are you trying to tell?” and that “I should have that question posted on a sticky note and slap it on my PC as I write.” This was less negative criticism, and more of a response towards my asking of her on “whether or not Ramon should live in the end.” However it’s good to reflect on that since for a hot second when I honestly blanked out and forgot at the time she asked.

I remember now though--this story is my life and how I view the world personally. But I must not forget my transition between thinking “like a child” and thinking “like an adult.” It started with a dream I had, where I was among dilapidated ruins of a cityscape--with the dust and acrid smell of chipped concrete filled the air--but the clouds above emitted a strong but gentle, golden light onto the gray from down below. That very specific feeling of listlessness is what I wish to properly convey. I’m creating a story that just drips and oozes with that emotion--painful, but poignant and glimmering with a golden sheen but the very end. I should never forget that.

A similar body of work that had deeply influenced the emotional confine of this project would have to be @rapparu33 ‘s film “カナメヲ,” which they have mentioned on twitter that it was an idea stemmed from a dream. I’m glad to be on a similar path here.

Okay, so goals for the second draft:

I’ve been told that the first couple of pages are rapid-firing information that is difficult to grasp all at once which was the intended purpose haha since I’ve heard that “if you don’t impress on the first page script readers will throw it out.” My prof complimented me on listening to that but gave me the relief that for the purposes of this story, I won’t have to do that. (Thank God.)

I’ll be able to slow down the start and give more time for the audience to chew on Ondine and Camille.

I didn’t realize that I was caught up in the fascination with Bentley because of novelty. Since he’s technically the newest addition to the cast and the last to be added to this ensemble, I was just distracted by how shiny and new he was. Now that he’s taken time to simmer in my head, I can think about him a lot more prospectively.

My prof said his dialogue is probably the weakest/clunkiest part of the army segment and that “he spiels like every self-help book I’ve ever read, ever.” That hit it hard on the nail--that is exactly what I did. I tried very hard to write this sort of “infallible mentor figure” but since I’ve never had that sort of figure in my life, it was very hard to write. I ended up writing what I wanted to hear instead of something more genuine.

I need to make a list of diction....

Bentley will now take a different turn in this second rewrite in the hopes of him coming off more organic--and I’ve figured out how. I’ll have to write his backstory and just focus on him and Susan before I can attempt to rewrite his bits.

Bentley and Luca will now hug in the story because I am Satan.

Jimmy and Luca will also hug to balance them out because I am still Satan.

Speaking of Jimmy, I want to give more focus on their friendship--so I hope I’ll be able to add in more characterization--hopefully to also mention that Luca played violin for a time.

Ramon will indeed live in this draft since I have found a way to alleviate some of the burden of Isidore’s role around the ending.

Ramon will also spit less fire this time around, and will visually drop his affections towards Nelson more.

As I’ve tinkered with Ramon, Virgil ended up being much more fleshed out than I could have ever anticipated despite being a one-note character. Dang. Go me.

I somehow added a third instance where Luca tries to kill himself. Go me again, lol.

Wondering if a fake-out kiss between Luca and Nelson is possible...lol...

I’ll really have to focus that around the end it’s less about Luca “embracing his darkness” and more along the lines of “accepting a suicide mission where he will die as Ole Lukøje and not as Luca Russo.

Luca lost in his reverie when he speaks to a wounded but alive Ramon at the end is probably my newest favorite scene since the visuals are a la Haibane Renmei (hello Reki) so I can’t wait to sketch it out and really explore that idea. It also a reference to that one scene in Breaking Bad’s “The Fly,” I guess. At least, that’s what I’m going for.

Also wondering whether or not Luca will be killed off this time around. The ending where he lives is giving me trouble, and it’d be easier to kill him off. As much as possible...I want a happy ending. It’ll be quite a ways away before I can accomplish that, though.

I feel that the more I start to focus on “Cogito Ergo Sum,” the better off “Sow Don’t Sing” will also eventually be. At this point in time however, I’m very intimidated about Project-CES, but hopefully I can forgo that fear in the nearest future.

#Sow Don't Sing #writing #script #screenplay #reflection paper #film production

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forestwater87 · 6 years

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Hello! I just wanted to say I’m a big fan of your writing and you’re a huge inspiration for me. I’ve been struggling with writing a lot lately. I feel that one of the reasons I can’t write is because I’ve lost all the people who inspired and motivated me. If you don’t mind me asking, what do you do for inspiration/motivation? I’ve been stuck for the longest time and I didn’t know where else to look.

Thank you so much! AHhh, that makes my heart all fluttery

I’m sorry you’re having trouble with inspiration! Unfortunately I’m very familiar with that feeling, but it’s important to remember that your fic is supposed to be fun for you, and there’s nothing wrong with taking a little time to get the spark back. Of course, I also know that that doesn’t help when you want to write but just don’t seem able to. For that I tend to lean hard on different brainstorming techniques; there are a lot, but these are some that work for me personally:

Hummingbirding: If you have multiple stories you’re working on but no real drive for any one in particular, try hopping from one to the other. I usually set a goal – one paragraph, one sentence, sometimes even one word if I’m feeling particularly exhausted – and go into a story, writing until you meet that goal and then jumping into the next one. Sometimes one story will snag you and you’ll surprise yourself by exceeding that goal, sometimes by a lot. Other times you’ll struggle to meet it with every dang fic. But every word you write is progress, and sometimes I think it really helps you feel like you accomplished something without having exhausted yourself on a single story.

Prompts! Those writing prompt tumblrs and lists are popular for a reason, and you never know when an AU idea or a drabble collection will spark your creativity.

Reading other fanfic: Now I’ll be honest, when it comes to reading other people’s really really good fics, I don’t get inspired as much as depressed. This … is not good. Don’t do this if you can at all help it. However, I do get inspired by reading bad fanfic, in a spiteful “I can do better than that” way. This … is also not good. This is just bad advice overall. Okay, but if you’re a better person than I am, I hear that reading other people’s fanfics is a great way to get inspiration. (And if you’re not a better person than I am … hell, inspiration’s inspiration, right? Doesn’t exactly matter where it comes from.)

Talk it out: This is hands-down the best one for me. Having a friend or someone whose opinion you trust read over what you have so far and just literally going back and forth about “okay, well what happens next? what if….” “that might work, but I kinda want X to happen so how do we get there?” “maybe….” If you need a person, I’m right here! Can’t promise I’ll reply with the utmost speed, but I think literally sitting down and working through the plotholes or emotional notes you’re trying to hit is the best way to get that spark lit under you again. Besides, the person you’re talking to likes what you write, and that validation can be a huge help. Actually, that should be its own thing.

Ego boost: Nothing wrong with asking for praise. I don’t wanna talk about the number of times I’ve either whined publicly on tumblr or privately to my friends and just been completely open like “hey, can you say some nice things about my story? I’m feeling like a butt about my writing.” And if nothing else, it’s nice to have that kind of feedback, and sometimes seeing what an impact your writing has on other people is just what you need to want to get back into it.

I hope some of these help! There are other ways to get inspired – I know a lot of people reread their own work for inspiration, or get immersed in the fandom again in some way; people who can do art often find that drawing gives them ideas (you lucky artistic fucks) – so this is far from an exhaustive list, but it’s a start. I hope I’ll hear back from you again, maybe even with an update on how your writing is going!

#ask forest #forestwriting #this doesn't make me look like a terribly good person oops #oh well

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anigraham · 6 years

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This is going to get long so, lol...

1. What’s your favorite system? 3.5. Or a stripped down pathfinder so there isn’t 9,001 classes to choose from. (And yes, I prefer it over the homebrew version I talk about sometimes, lol.) 2. What’s something you hope to do/accomplish in a D&D campaign? I have so many D&D bucket list items! First one that comes to mind is I hope to romance an NPC someday. May be setting myself up for heartbreak as surely the DM will have something horrible happen to said NPC, but ya know.

3. How important is a strong story line to you? It’s what I live for! I mean, it isn’t going to ruin my fun if the campaign doesn’t have a strong/deep story attached to it, but man do I eat it up if it does~ 4. What setting do you prefer playing in? Mid-level fantasy. I want some magic, I want unique creatures, and I want some gods, damnit! It doesn’t have to get too crazy or anything, but I want some magic in the world. 5. Have you or any fellow players have a character die? What happened? Yeh. My first character death was a stereotypical elven archer. It was a TPK to a scorpion. 2e is brutal, man. A character deaths you don’t know about... I played in a campaign where two players had their characters as siblings. Well. One fated day, the younger brother died. And he died after being given so many second chances, but after so many the DM (and even some of us players) were like...death happens. It was in a world where resurrection isn’t an option really. (He died to a mammoth that was infected and controlled by a parasitic “plant” thing that drains your CON.) While it was disappointing to the brother player, the sister player became super depressed. We ended the session early, but the next few sessions he just had a lot of trouble focusing and getting into it. It affected him pretty badly. We then took an extended break hoping the player would feel better after he took some time, but he didn’t. We ended the campaign because of it. 6. What is your favorite D&D monster or creature? THE FRICKEN TARRASQUE. 7. What’s your favorite race and class? Half-elf and Paladin! As rambled more in detail here. 8. Who is a favorite NPC you have encountered? Does the Triad count? Because that was pretty dang awesome and I love Ilmater forever. 9. Where do you get your inspiration to make a character? My brain. My process tends to be. . .I think of something I want to have in a character and then I build around that. Lore really helps me. Ok started with the idea that I wanted to play a serious character who doesn’t show much emotion, then he became a drow, and the rest followed. My skittish tiefling idea came to me because I decided, I should play a tiefling and reading the lore...I found it interesting the ways it describes tieflings handle prejudice and I felt like I never see or hear about the tieflings who kind of feel shame or hurt. Then the rest got built around that. 10. What’s one of your favorite character moments? I am still a fan of my overly optimistic and happy wood elf, hearing a terrible voice in his mind reminding him of some traumatic event, and then upon seeing a nothic and knowing that was the cause of it. . .saying “Please die now!” and shooting it at the surprise of the entire party. 11. What’s the best thing that has ever happened during a session? Being able to actually cry on cue for a scene with Morghain and being able to turn it off when the scene was over. I loved hearing everyone react! 12. What’s the worst thing that has ever happened during a session? Probably the character death I mentioned above. Just watching our friend and fellow player become so dejected and unable to keep playing. And it was doubly hard because that campaign had been going on for so long and so many of us were really enjoying our characters, really invested, and then we had to stop since someone just couldn’t keep going with the story. 13. What kind of characters do you typically create? ¯\_(ツ)_/¯ The closest I have to a “type” would be melee fighters. Definitely what I am usually comfortable with. But I actually try hard to play different things, even if I am only changing a handful of things. I like to try different races, classes, and different quirks/personalities. When playing with a new group I tend to go friendly/helpful fighter type so I can learn what I can and can’t get away with in the future, lol. Not everyone will be comfortable with me playing a former slave or a lying bitch. 14. What is your character’s backstory? Since I think you know most of my current character’s backstories. . .I will go with an oldie. A little gnome named Lorelai Brassgear!

She grew up in a very small town with a very large family. Her family were the owners of the local grain mill. Lorelai had bigger aspirations as she seemed to have a natural talent for using magic. . .something very rare among gnomes in her world. She became determine to someday go the mages college in the big city and learn to explain the workings of magic through the use of science and math. (Gnomes in her world are inventors and focus on science. They actually have a penalty when using magic.) One day after exploring a nearby cave-in with some of her friends from the town, they discovered that her entire village had been destroyed in an orc raid. All their families had been killed. Lorelai and her friends barely managed to get away and so began the start of her campaign. 15. Do you have any goals for your character? When it comes to Natali I just gotta accept I cannot have goals. Everything is a surprise with her and nothing goes as planned. My goal is not to die while fully expecting her to die.

16. What is a song you associate to your character? Even though I haven’t played her very much, I have already associated one song with Cass. The English version of “aLIEz” done by Amanda Lee. I imagine Cass as a very conflicted and struggling woman, which I feel like this song captures. I am especially fond of the following lyrics...

I say “Liar!” I say “Rise in hell!” I am just about to burst as they say, “War!” I’ll wage war. I hate war. There’s no end to this...can’t you see that? 17. Does your character have any quirks? If so, what are they? My skittish tiefling sometimes slips into speaking in Infernal when he is talking to himself outloud. If anyone points this out to him, he will be a bit surprised and doesn’t believe it. His arcane focus is a medallion that he likes to fidget with from time to time. He also has a habit of arguing with his familiar (usually an owl) as if she was a person. 18. Do you have a certain accent for your character? No. I can’t do accents period, really. I might try adding a little something to the way I talk for certain characters, but I think I struggle with consistency. Loran I tried to speak higher and “friendlier.” With Ok I try to sound more monotone as I don’t imagine he would be very expressive in. . .anything. . .let alone his voice.

I can do three voices. An absurd “old man” voice, a weird. . .voice (that I use for like faeries), and my own voice. Haha. But if I can’t even mimic accents from around the world, I sure as hell can’t come up with voices for characters. 19. What character (or type of character) do you hope to play in the future? My skittish tiefling, Mr. Pemberley~! He doesn’t like being a teifling, feels bad about it, gets super nervous around new people and always assumes that other people expect the worst of him. He kept his nose in books and is a wizard as a result. . .and is most comfortable (and confident!) when playing with fire. Probably because he is a tiefling. . .but don’t suggest that to him. 20. What’s been your favorite campaign? Campaign would be the one we didn’t finished mentioned above, sadly. But I am also really enjoying Tomb of Annihilation.

#ask me #survey #questions #dungeons and dragons #I honestly don't mind being asked to do 1-20 in one go #usually I see these things and want to do them all anyway so...lol #And hey some questions can be answered multiple times for different characters!#long post

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skaye33 · 7 years

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reputation - In Review

reputation is here and I am so emotionally unprepared. Literally all I can provide are my first impressions from the first time I listened to the album, because I just love the album so fully and I just can’t seem to fully put my emotions into words (although I tried to explain the power of Taylor and reputation below this list). I might come back to this to try and fill it in more once I’ve had some time to process, but for now, here are my rather aggressive notes I took on a plane at 5:00 AM on my way to Boston while listening for the first time.

1. …Ready for It

First Impression - I’m not ready for this. After Look What You Made Me Do came out, I was stressed that all of Taylor’s new album was going to be vengeful, angry T referencing her feuds and calling out her haters. But ...Ready For It assured me that we were still going to get our girl back, and that her style had just evolved into something new and challenging and super fun. I listened to this song so many times the first few weeks (especially while pumping myself up for the gym), and I still love it so much.

Favorite lyrics - Baby, let the games begin.

2. End Game

First Impression - Hot damn. Ed rapping? Future?? TAYLOR SPITTING RHYMES. I’m amazed. I LOVE THIS NEW ERA. It is the perfect late-night living room dance beat I never knew I needed until now.

Favorite lyrics - I swear I don’t love the drama, it loves me. And I can’t let you go, your handprints on my soul. It’s like your eyes are liquor, it’s like you body is gold.

3. I Did Something Bad First Impression - HOLY SHIT SHE SAID SHIT. DAMN, NEW TAYLOR I AM OBSESSED WITH YOU. This one is amazing. So different, so aware, so mature.

Favorite lyrics - This is how the world works, you gotta leave before you get left.

4. Don’t Blame Me

First Impression - THESE BRIDGES ARE FIRE BURNING OMG. T WITH AN AMAZING COMEBACK, THESE BRIDGES ARE GIVING ME LIFE. Straight fire. Sex. Gospel. HERE. FOR. IT. With all her drug references, she’s definitely not “Clean” any more.

Favorite lyrics - My name is whatever you decide. And I'm just gonna call you mine. I'm insane, but I'm your baby (your baby). Echoes of your name inside my mind.

5. Delicate

First Impression- Damn that verse 2 pickup though. And another killer bridge? What did we do to deserve such perfection? I can’t wait to listen to this while obsessing over a the beginning of a relationships. I love the beat of the verse on this one so much. This is definitely in the top five on the album. How does she encapsulate both the stress and fun at the beginning of a relationship? Oh, because she’s a goddess.

Favorite lyrics - Third floor on the west side, me and you. Handsome, you’re a mansion with a view.

A second favorite lyrics, for funsies - We can’t make any promises, can we babe, but you can make me a drink.

6. Look What You Made Me Do

First Impressions - Still an amazing song, even though now it feels a bit weird coming right after Delicate.

Favorite lyrics - But I got smarter, I got harder in the nick of time. Honey, I rose up from the dead, I do it all the time.

7. So It Goes....

First Impressions - THE COUNTING. I’m freaking out. Damn this album is all love, sex, and drama and I LOVE IT. ALSO THE SCRATCHES DOWN HIS BACK I’M CACKLING UNCONTROLLABLY.

Favorite lyrics - I’m yours to keep, and I’m yours to lose. You know I’m a bad girl, but I do bad things to you. So it goes…

8. Gorgeous

First Impressions - This was my favorite single, and still might be my favorite song on the album (although Getaway Car and Delicate are getting up there). I just relate to it so much, from seeing a gorgeous person from across the room and freaking out mentally to stumbling home to my cats.

Favorite lyrics - You make me so happy it turns back to sad. There’s nothing I hate more than what I can’t have.

9. Getaway Car

First Impressions - L.O.V.E. Jack, you are an amazing human being and I want a picture of you and Taylor on my gravestone with these lyrics engraved. This song sounds like Out of the Woods and Jack’s Rollercoaster had a baby and I’ve never been more obsessed with a love child. Also, just another amazing bridge. I can’t handle it.

Favorite lyrics - It was the best of times, the worst of crimes. I struck a match and blew your mind. But I didn’t mean it. And you didn’t see it. The ties were black, the lies were white. In shades of grey in candlelight, I wanted to leave him. I needed a reason (THE DAMN LYRICISM HERE PEOPLE).

10. King of My Heart

First Impressions - Dat beat doe. THE BEST BRIDGE YET.

Favorite lyrics - Late in the night, the city’s asleep. Your love is a secret I’m hoping, dreaming, dying to keep.

And another (the entire bridge, I just love it): Is this the end of all the endings? My broken bones are mending. With all these nights we’re spending, up on the roof with a schoolgirl crush, drinking beer out of plastic cups. Say you fancy me, not fancy stuff. Baby, all at once, this is enough.

11. Dancing With Our Hands Tied

First Impressions - I’m crying just from the intro. I am dead. I need a moment.

Favorite lyrics - I, I loved you in spite of deep fears that the world would divide us. So, baby, can we dance? Oh, through an avalanche? And say, say that we got it.

12. Dress

First Impressions - Honestly, not as sexy as I thought it would be. But still amazing. Oh dang, and when she stops singing >>> I can’t wait to sing this to the love of my life to spice things up and to convey how much I love him.

Favorite lyrics - Flashback to my mistakes. My rebounds, my earthquakes. Even in my worst light, you saw the truth in me. And I woke up just in time. Now I wake up by your side. My one and only, my lifeline.

13. This Is Why We Can’t Have Nice Things

First Impressions - I LOVE THIS. Literally so fun. I already know I will listen to this song so, so many times this coming summer. And her laugh?? Savage Taylor, I love it. Also, the references to “Runaway” by Kanye??? ICONIC.

Favorite lyrics - Here’s a toast to my real friends. They don’t care about the he-said-she-said. And here’s to my baby. He ain’t reading what they call me lately. And here’s to my momma. Had to listen to all this drama. And here’s to you. Cause forgiveness, is a nice thing to do.

14. Call It What You Want

First Impressions - The comedown. I like this song, and I love that she’s happy and warm and in love, but this is the only song that I’m kind of “ehhh” about. But it’s still so beautifully done.

Favorite lyrics - Starry eyes sparkin' up my darkest night (I just love that one line so, so much).

15. New Years Day

First Impressions - I am literally sobbing on the airplane currently and people are looking because it’s 5:00 in the morning and I am so emotionally devastated, but I don’t care. This song is so beautiful. I can’t handle it. My heart has been broken and mended four times within these four minutes. I cannot wait to sing this song to the love of my life as we wake up to begin a new year together. Or to sing it to the other loves of my life, my cats. Either one deserves the beauty of this song. This is the perfect ending to a perfect album that I will listen to obsessively for the rest of the year.

Favorite lyrics - Hold on to the memories, they will hold onto you (SOB).

I just don’t think people realize how important this album is, to so many people. I have been a fan of Taylor since I was 12 years old. That’s over a decade of listening to her albums on repeat, using them to process beautiful and heartbreaking emotions and experiences that I didn’t have the capacity to process at times. Taylor provided me the means, through her songs and lyrics, to both comprehend and appreciate what I was going through, no matter the context, and to assure me that as alone as I felt sometimes, I never was. Taylor’s albums have always seemed to line up with exactly what I’m going through in my life. Somehow, in those two-to-three short years between albums, she seemed to face the same struggles and triumphs, and her songs gave me a shield, a sword, and a shoulder to cry both sad and happy tears on when I was going through those same things. As she’s grown, I’ve grown, and her songs have literally become a scrapbook for my life. reputation provides new photos to add to that scrapbook. During the past year, I’ve grown immensely. Part of that growth has focused on owning who I am, not curating my life on social media as much, focusing on my happiness and freedom, and not stressing about what other people think of me. While my experiences might not have not been as dramatic or public as hers, I believe reputation provides me justification; it applauds my personal growth, and it says, yes, at this point in your life you’re allowed to accept yourself as you are. You don’t have to fit into other people’s definitions of success, of happiness, of accomplishments. You can define yourself beyond your Instagram account, beyond the four corners of a photograph. You deserve to focus on your happiness and your goals. You should accept your flaws, own up to your past, and allow yourself to be self-aware, because you’ll feel so much better if you do. Taylor gave me new songs to dance around a room to while avoiding work, relationships, and responsibilities. She gave me a soundtrack as I move further into the real, adult world that is both harsh and magical. She gave me a maturity and a playfulness that I can embrace, while still understanding that I will make mistakes, and that’s okay. So, I’m raising a glass of white wine to Taylor, reputation, and the best years lying ahead.

#reputation #reputation out now #taylor swift #taylornation #taylor swizzle #taylurking

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cynthiadshaw · 5 years

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What’s the Most Important Lesson You’ve Learned Along Your Journey?

Every twist in our story, challenge we face, and obstacle we overcome is an important part of our story. These difficulties make us stronger and wiser and prepare us for what’s ahead. As we grow and succeed we may imagine that soon the challenges will fade away, but in our conversations with business owners, artists, creatives, academics, and others we have learned that the most common experience is that challenges never go away – instead they get more complex as we grow and succeed. Our ability to to thrive therefore depends heavily on our ability to learn from our experiences and so we are asking some of the city’s best and brightest: What’s the most important lesson you’ve learned along your journey?

Dawn Treader | a nonprofit who is raising awareness to defend and protect the rights of widows and orphans through the exploration of local artist, live music, and some dang good coffee

Mikaylah McGee

The most important lesson we’ve learned is, the process is more important than the prize. The process itself is the prize. Providing for orphans and widows is our oxygen, its our DNA. We don’t build homes for orphans and widows over night. It takes time. Our dream is to change lives all over the world but that begins with taking advantage of every hour and disciplining ourselves to be competitive for the helpless over time. We live for the PROCESS.

dawntreadertx.com @dawntreadertx @dawntreadertx

Ria Hartfield and my business is Locs By Ria

The most important lesson I learned so far was to believe in myself because and not sell myself short. I’m a self-taught stylist so I was very insecure about my work. I wasn’t 100% sure if I was even doing it right but my clients would be extremely satisfied with the results. Some of my clients won’t even go to other stylists. It took a long time for me to recognize my worth as a loctician and to realize that I really am talented.

@locsbyria

Loviatar’s | Vintage Event Rentals & Interior Curation

Photo Credit: @laurenapelphoto HMU: @sydneyannlopezhair

A valuable trait we have had to channel is patience. As designers that deal in predominantly vintage goods, we are always on the hunt for unique and eclectic items. Often times it would be easier to pick up a missing piece at a conventional retailer but we know that the end result is that much more rewarding if we put in the extra time to hunt down the perfect piece. We are finding that people truly do appreciate the little details and the story that is attached to each object, making our efforts worthwhile!

loviatars.com @loviatars

Letty Stewart | Lash Artist & Esthetician

In my journey I have experienced so many things. It hasn’t been easy but with the help of my family I have finally found my dream job which is a Lash Artist at Peachy Keen Studio and I am so happy to be where I am at now. My obstacles in life have been tough from dropping out of high school to abusive relationships but I have managed to find the light at the end of the tunnel. My biggest accomplishments have been thanks to my husband. He’s inspired me to be who I am today. I know that my children will be inspired as well to be better and create a world full of joy and love.

linktr.ee/letty.peachykeenstudio

Joshua Harris | Professional athlete | Fitness consultant

Lynne Jones

The harder you work, the less you worry. When your work ethic is at a high level, that eliminates any doubt you may experience because you know how hard you’re working and that gives you an unwavering amount of confidence.

thepeakwork.com

Kiesha Hick | Entrepreneur, Eye Candi Bar

@thelavishluxe

The important lesson I have learned on my journey so far is, self importance, self development and patience, while coming out of my comfort zone, to do what I was called to do, empowering women, and giving them the confidence to look and feel beautiful!

@eyecandibar @eyecandibar

TK Kader | Author of the international best seller “How to Punch the Sunday Jitters in the Face”, Entrepreneur and Angel Investor

You can accomplish anything you want in life and become unstoppable as long as you practice belief x discipline.

@tkkader

Alexandra Goodman | designer

You are going to have some negative experiences. It could be as simple as someone not liking your work or being denied an application to participate in a local art show. You cannot let those experiences define you. Do not let them become setbacks. Keep pushing forward. Focus on the praise you receive from clients and their genuine appreciation for your creations.

etsy.com/shop/agoodmandesigner @agoodmandesigner

Acenette Gonzalez and Justin Ramirez | Owners of Maravilla Cacao Confections

A valuable lesson I’ve learned on my journey is collaboration is a key to success. I say this because collaborating with others brings inspiration from places you never thought to seek it from. It has allowed me to to create with others on different artistic platforms and see different points of views. All while helping that other independent business as well. The great thing about being a small business owner is the support from other small business owners. We all want to see each other succeed and that’s a beautiful thing to me.

@maravillacacao [email protected]

Elena Jones | Mom | Wife | Entrepreneur

@katiemeckleyphotography

Moving to a new country has been a great challenge. To start again, especially while tending to young children, was much more difficult than I imagined. Throughout this journey, I have learned that success, in its truest sense, doesn’t come with haste or ease, but to those who exercise the three P’s: passion, persistence, and patience. First, in order to accomplish anything noteworthy, you have to have an unyielding passion for your work with a single, noble goal in mind: an objective that goes beyond your own material success and that truly benefits your clients and the greater community. If you don’t believe in the product or service you’re selling, then you need to be selling something else. Second, I have learned that very little can be accomplished unless you are persistent in chasing your dream; this means waking up in the morning with a plan of micro-goals to accomplish for the day and repeating that routine until you see results. Every day is an obstacle course that must be navigated with focus and tenacity. It also means adapting strategies that are not working, yet keeping your overall mission in mind. Finally, I have learned that nothing meaningful can be achieved without patience and that an enduring success can only be accomplished over time. The old saying, “good things come to those who wait,” may be dismissed nowadays, but it rings true in my life. The setbacks we experience—the lost sale, the incomplete checklist, the long-term client who decided to go elsewhere—are opportunities to better learn our business and grow in virtue. There is no such thing as failure as long as we continue to see the big picture and keep moving in the right direction.

@latinamomintheheartoftexas @latinamomintexas

Magnolia Elvis | music producer & recording engineer

@Dj_ron_t

You have to always be prepared to work; even on your off days.

VibeLabDallas.com ShoutOutMagnolia.com

Addie Roberts | Registered Dietitian and Nutrition Coach

The most important lesson I’ve learned is that people don’t thrive under more rules around what NOT to do with food. Instead, I’ve found that lasting change is made and people are able to flourish and achieve their goals when the coaching message is promoted as food freedom without obsession around what they’re eating.

generalwellnessnutrition.com @generalwellness youtube.com/generalwellness

Kelly Harrod | Body Liberation/Self Love Advocate

The most important thing I’ve learned on my journey so far is the importance of flexibility. So many times we plan with good intentions as society tells us that those who fail to plan, plan to fail. Some times life does it’s own thing, causing out beautifully crafted plans to fall by the wayside. Learning to be flexible has allowed me to be more forgiving of myself and others when things don’t go as I had hoped.

@the_self_love_squad @selflovesquadig

ChristFit Unashamed

Community is so important to growth of person physically, mentally, and Faith.

linktr.ee/christfitunashamed

Ashton Lewis | Actor

Patience and persistence. If you’re working hard at what you want, don’t beat yourself up for, one, sucking at it when you first start. I’m a recovering perfectionist, so this is a hard one for me. And that’s an ego thing, right? If I’m focusing on how much I suck, that’s entirely about what other people think of my progress. But what other people think doesn’t matter: if I’m thinking about that I’m just torpedoing my own joy. Second, don’t beat yourself up for taking a bit to figure something out. Sometimes it just takes longer than other people. But what I’ve learned on my journey is that if you’re patient, and keep at those skills you’re trying to hone, they often open up and start blooming over time. It’s difficult to see in the moment but you look back and see what the journey was and how important it was to take the long path and struggle through it.

@actionlewis backstage.com/u/ashton-lewis

Tre’Quwandous Love | Aspiring model Natural Hair Enthusiast and Hospitality expert

@shotbyadrw [email protected]

You have to move in life knowing that the things you are seeking are also seeking you and will find you in the most divine fashion.

@trelovetrelove @TreCLove

Diana Pàez | social communicator and journalist | Founder and CEO of Let`s go By Diana Paez

My biggest lesson in this wonderful journey I have been gone through is to be patience and understand that good thing happens exactly at the moment have to happen,. sometimes we reject what we have and we don’t pay attention to the wonderful things around us. I have learned that every person in the world have a special place and labor to do while were living the life and enjoy every moment in the present can be the only thing that change our future. Every lesson will be a part of the process in our life and we need to take them as part of example to tell other people that fall off is not too bad when we can get up and be better. patience is part of the process to grow in every dream you want to make it real.

@letsgo.by.dianapaez letsgobydianapaez.com

Lizz Hurley | Visual Artist

The most important lesson I’ve learned so far is that sales don’t determine talent. Sales will come, focus on perfecting your craft.

lizzhurleyart.com @lizzhurleyart

Jacqueline | Empowerment Executive & Life Coach

My Starry Eyes My Intuition is My Superpower! You Never need to justify your existence. Say less than you know; show less than you have. What I practice in private I will be honored for in public. Leave All in a better space than before I arrive. Allow my potential to come out and play big on the planet. Permission Granted!

@jacquelineisms podcasts.apple.com/us/podcast/permission-granted-the-jacqueline-show/id1475436982

Blakk Juu | Hot New Rap Artist from keepit1hundredint

That if you don’t believe in yourself, then no one will so I think in myself beyond boundaries of measurements, I also learned you need active, positive people backing you up so much love to my label keepit1hundredint #usagainsthem.

@blakk.juu @usagainsthem @blakkjuu keepit1hundredint.com @BlakkJuu soundcloud.com/keepit1hundredint

Brittany Smalls | personal blogger

@filmmaker_j

I think the most important thing I have learned is that you should always stay true to yourself. People (myself included) put so much effort into trying to conform to society’s expectations, we often lose ourselves. For so long I was scared to put myself out there and go for everything I wanted because I would look at someone else and point out all of the things they have, that I don’t and I never stopped to acknowledge all of the qualities I have. Once I realized that I am not unworthy because I lack certain qualities someone else may have, my life changed and I gained so much confidence. I have never been happier. it’s made a huge difference in how I view myself, in my marriage and in my life all together. What makes you different, makes you beautiful.

@_sincerelynotyours

Maria Cruz | Paper florista

@kittyboo_

There are many things that I have learned and still learning, in a world we’re everything is “help me and I will help you” you kind of fall into a pattern of let me see how much I can get out of the situation. I have other colleagues that do the same thing and they always advise me pick your prices higher don’t sell yourself short, its never enough it’s always to low! They tell me. I learned that when you start doing something you love and greed gets in the way, it’s stops being something you love it becomes WORK and the reason I started my own small business was precisely because I did not want to work a job that made me feel prisoner of my life. And when greed comes into play that’s exactly what happens you become prisoner of money of greed and everything that involves. Don’t get me wrong of course i want to make money. I am a mother of four and I need to bring the bacon but being honest. Now three years in this business I have learned how to price, how to help my customers and be smart about my business. I can say we never stop learning EVER but with the right mentors around and a little patience I have learned a lot.

@katys_flower_wall

Mosiah Perales | Goalkeeper | Goalkeeper coach and Instagram influencer

Over little a year of my Instagram account (I made my account on May 24, 2018), is that if you want to get yourself out there on social media, you need to know what you want and the goal of why you are putting yourself out their, but when it comes to interactions with your followers and people who view your content, open your mind for other people’s comments and opinions even if they are negative. I’m doing what I love and making my passion more than a dream. If you want something, make time for it and be dedicated, don’t be afraid of failure, I’ve learned so much from failing. I was scared to put myself out there and what people would say but I didn’t let that distract from what I wanted. I want to influence people in a good way as well as get noticed and hopefully become a pro soccer player.

@fuerzagkeeping

Justin Stringfellow | DJ/MC

The most important lesson that I’ve learned in my journey so far is that there is always room for improvement in your craft. Like many artistic pursuits, the DJ field is very saturated. In order to stand out, you have to work really hard and constantly be improving. It’s also super helpful to have others to look up to and learn from. The journey of growth is just as important as the destination.

@justin.thedj mixcloud.com/JustinTheDJ

Astrid Garces | Branding Creator

Josben Rodriguez

Life is happening now and I have to be present to live it. not holding to anything in the past and not worrying about the future. Also it’s too short not to do what I love and what I am really passionate about.

@astrid_garces

Zach Rigsby | Fashion blogger & Design student

The most important lesson I’ve learned in my life is to never let anyone else’s judgment or negativity drive what I do or wear but instead to let criticism inspire me to become better.

@zach.rigsby

Bondie Metchore | Digital Marketing Consultant | Web Designer & Social Media Strategist

In life, the biggest lesson I’ve learned is that change is inevitable. Things end, pain eventually goes away and there’s always a new goal to go after. Enjoying the actual journey is a blessing that we tend to overlook. Living life from a place of knowing that nothing is forever has helped me stress less during the difficult times and value more the beautiful moments that life offers.

In Business, I have learned that gaining a loyal client is more important than making a quick buck. People like to feel valued and heard and when you lead your business with love and service, clients always come back.

bondiemetchore.com @girldesigningdreams

Jonah Levine | Co-founder & Designer

The most important lesson I’ve learned is perseverance. The idea or the accumulation of ideas has in time been a bit of a struggle, but we put our heads down and figure out what needs to be done.

I’m very happy and proud of the brand that’s been created and we will continue. It’s a product for a niche market and we recognize that. Perseverance will get us through. Perseverance is what has gotten many things done in fashion and in life.

At L’Escalier we hope to bring the idea, the thought that while things may be difficult, perseverance can prove to be true.

shoplescalier.com @shoplescalier

Kyler & Kaelyn Silas (Ky & Kae) | Recording Artists/Musicians

When we were little, we were eager to be teenagers/young adults. Now we’re in middle and high school, and we just want time to slow down. We can’t believe in a few years, one of us will be off to college. Life is too short to just dream about what you want to do and not put anything into action. You have to always put your best foot forward and commit to whatever dream you want to come true.

@officialkyandkae youtube.com/channel/UCITNM6MLuu2CODIHATCuvQA bequestmusic.com

Zeke Jeremiah | Director, CEO/Founder of UTubeSensations and UTubeSensations Kids

The most important lesson I’ve learned in my journey is to trust the process. In the beginning I would get stressed out easily because of so many things that would come up. Now I’m better prepared from experience, but mostly easy about it because things won’t always work out the way you wanted it too, so I relax and trust God through the process.

@campbell.zeke @UTubesensations @UTubeSensations-Kids @Forever-and-a-Day @zekejeremiah @utubesensations @utubesensations_kids

Trish Keller | Virtual Health & Fitness coach

The most important thing I’ve learned on my journey so far is how important the power of a positive attitude is. I started my journey in a pretty dark state, struggling with body image issues, unhappiness, feeling overwhelmed, and just feeling really stuck in life in general. Through coaching I learned to look at things in a more positive light, I started to look at myself through a more positive lens. Even on my harder days, when I’m struggling with competency issues or negative people, I’ve found a way to look at the lessons and the positivity in those less than ideal situations. And by doing that, I have gained self-confidence, self-worth, healthier habits, happiness, amazing friendships, and the incredible opportunity to help others find similar happiness for themselves.

@trish_keller linktr.ee/patriciakeller

The post What’s the Most Important Lesson You’ve Learned Along Your Journey? appeared first on Voyage Dallas Magazine | Dallas City Guide.

source http://voyagedallas.com/2019/08/21/whats-important-lesson-youve-learned-along-journey/

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wadupkev · 7 years

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Why I decided to do an Ironman 70.3

If there was an expression between dipping your toes in the water, and diving in head first, this decision for me would be just that. I am not doing a Sprint Tri nor am I doing the Full Ironman (you can look those distances up if you want). 11 months ago, I decided to set my mind at the Ironman 70.3 Boulder. 70.3 total miles of swimming, biking, and running. I have done a couple triathlons before, but those came when I was in middle school, doing distances no further than what the eye could see. So yes, I have some experience, but no, I don’t have any experience.

This choice came from a lot of different things. I wanted to do something crazy, I wanted to get in the best shape of my life, but most of all, I wanted to prove to myself that whatever I set my mind to, I could truly accomplish it. That is definitely one of a couple cheesy lines you will hear in the article, but it was the truth. Many people I have come across that find out I am training for this reply with “I could never do that”, “That sounds awful” or the classic “Why? You’re crazy.” These were all things that fueled me. I promise, any of you reading this could do something like this. Whether that’s a 5k, half marathon, marathon, etc. you could do it. I have been lucky enough to have people who surround me with encouragement and positivity because this truly is the HARDEST thing I have ever done. EVER.

Being a multi-sport athlete in high school, I participated in the typical sports, that did not include much endurance training. Sure, we ran a couple miles in the off season, but for the most part, they are all what I consider “explosive sports” meaning you are working really hard for 5-15 seconds, and then there is some sort of rest involved. Football, plays take typically 7 seconds, basketball allows you to relax a little bit on both ends of the court, volleyball plays last anywhere from 4-6 seconds on average. All of these sports are “explosive” and require you to have quick short muscle movements to be successful. When I stepped into this decision, it was a brand-new kind of athletic experience for me. I lost a couple inches on my vert, lost some time on my 40, and definitely am not the explosive athlete I once was. But that all didn’t matter to me. The process was more about finding out who I am, what I am made of, and where I could push my mind to go.

Training brought along a lot of challenges that I certainly did not expect at the beginning. Running for 10+ miles a couple times a week, for someone who didn’t do that often before, was painful. Whenever you decide to push your boundaries, it never comes at the snap of your fingers. It takes time and adjustments, but also pain to get there. Never in my life have I worked out as much as I did in the last 11 months. When I first signed up back in September of 2016, I started getting myself in the pool, which I hadn’t been in for 3+ years to actually workout in, going on longer runs than normal, and putting in more time on the bike at the gym than ever before. I cut out almost all lifting and started putting in a lot of miles. Then about 8 months out, I started getting much more serious in my workouts and time dedicated each week to ensure I would be successful come race day. This meant that I was sacrificing time where I could be doing things with friends etc., to be alone and train. “You have to see it when nobody else sees it.” This quote drove me for the past year. Back when I began this journey, August 5th looked so far away. It seemed to be intangible, but this is when the dream had to become work. I had to put the time in now to be successful later. I had to see the dream when it seemed to be so far away. To be successful, I had to let the dream take over. None of this came without sacrifice. It strained relationships, made me focus on where I truly needed to prioritize things in my life and left me exhausted at the end of every day.

However, in lieu of the pain, the time, and the other sacrifices that have come with training, I have experienced some of the brightest times in my life. And I really do mean that. I have been training, by myself, for almost a year which was very hard for me. It made me focus on just myself for a little bit. As an extrovert, I naturally care about others sometimes a little more than I care about myself. I want to make sure others are taken care of and this takes away from taking care of me sometimes. Sure, this may sound a bit selfish, but this experience has forced me to grow more in myself and the type of man the Lord wants me to be than anything else that I have done.

I am lonely when I train. The workouts I have been doing can last anywhere from a half hour, up to 4 ½ hours. This is a load of time to spend alone, and it has allowed me to dive into the aspects of my life that I want to matter to me the most. All of these have been thoughts of mine through workouts and give a little look into what I think while whatever activity that workout includes.

“Alright Kev, on your way. Feeling good. Only a two-hour bike ride today, let’s grind. How is life dude? Are you doing what you want to do? Is this going to be worth it? Dang the finish line is going to be soooooo sweet. You have to put the effort in though Kev, it’s not going to come easy. Let’s get deep with yourself. Who do you care to please? Yourself, or the Creator of the universe? Pray. Where do you want to prioritize your time? Pleasing yourself and society, or serving your King? Pray. What relationships should you prioritize? Pray. How can you better show Love to your friends, family, and random people throughout the day? Pray. What’s for second breakfast? Pray mom bought some berries yesterday. Have you prayed for the people in your life today? Pray. How much further do I have to go? Pray it’s not far.. I guess I have time to pray for that dude who cut me off driving home last night… Where do you see yourself in 5 years? Probably on the couch, because I am tired as heck right now. Keep pushing. Imagine the finish line up there. Go get it. Pictures your friends and fam cheering you on. Don’t give up now, grind it out Kev! Ten more feet come on. There it is. Nice work kid. One step closer to your goal. One step closer to the fridge. Go get some berries and relax. Pray mom is at the store getting more berries because these are going to be gone in like 30 seconds.”

These are all legit things that go through my head, and all though there is some humor in there, I have spent countless hours trying to answer some real tough questions. I learned that working out was a fantastic time to spend in prayer. And after 11 months, I can say my soul has never felt more rest, my heart has never felt so fresh. I am ready to tackle whatever comes next with a head set on following the Lord’s plan, and a heart that wants to serve others.

I highly recommend you do something this year that challenges you and your physical capabilities. Being complacent is one of the biggest things that tears people away from their dreams. This experience has allowed me to not have a choice but to prepare and push towards the dream. In the last couple months, I have physically felt ready for the race, but my mental strength was tested each day of training. I would run 4 miles away from home just so that I couldn’t take the easy way out when doing a loop. This was hard at first, but became more natural as each day forced me to do something more than I thought I was capable of. Endurance training was very hard because of the mental tangents that your brain takes that came up so often. Wanting to quit is a real thing. Being an hour away from home, on a bike that has your butt feeling like it’s been sitting on hot coals and sharp rocks, already having been riding for 2+ hours, is not the most comforting feeling in the world. There were countless times like this that tested me. Was this where I drew the line and called it? It would be easy to just stop and say something came up that weekend and I couldn’t do the race, say my knee hurts and I need to rest it, but no. This is where I learned that the mental battle to be ready may be a bit stronger than the battle to be physically ready. I had to overcome negative thoughts to get to the finish. I will not quit.

As I write this, it is Tuesday of race week. My nerves are slowly creeping up. I am ready for this ride to come to a close, but I know that I need to enjoy the last few days of tapering and then the entire experience of race day. It is going to be unreal. I have some friends coming to watch, I am writing several of my close brother’s prayer requests on my bib number to have to pray for during the race. Nutrition is all set and ready, Dad and I are heading up to Boulder Friday morning and then the race is the next day. The next paragraph is a couple thoughts written after the race has finished! Wish me luck. (If you’ve read this far, no need to wish me luck as the race is already over. I either finished, fingers crossed, or, well you know)

Wow. It is hard to put into words what that experience was like. I never felt as nervous as I thought I would be going into it. I felt surprisingly calm the day before the race and race morning before starting. I think I had finally realized that I had no reason to freak out as the hard work had already been done. This was just going to be the icing on the cake. I only felt pretty tired the last 4 miles on the run. My calves started cramping up every couple hundred years. I definitely did not stick to my nutrition plan for the run very well, but it did not sound appetizing at all to try and put down a thick gel fluid while already parched. I never felt as though I was in severe pain or risking the urge of fainting. Crossing the finish line was the most unreal thing I have experienced. 11 months of finishing runs picturing the people at the finish line cheering, hearing your name called as a first timer, and passing under the finish clock, man I get teary eyed thinking about it now a day after. There were a couple times I thought about it during the race and would start to get emotional, but I kept telling myself “You gotta get there Kev”. But the last 200 yards of the race, my calves are both cramping at this point, I see the finish and literally start getting choked up. It gets hard to breathe because one, the physical exertion gone on the several hours before hand, but two, having pictured this moment for a very long time and it finally happening was unexplainable. I let the emotions overflow and just soaked in every moment of it. It was done. I had finished. I had done what I set out to do, got to experience things I never expected, and had, more importantly, learned more about myself this journey of life than ever before. God blessed me with a great race day. I would love to talk about the actual race with whoever wants to hear.

I want to thank everyone who shot me a text prior to race day, tracked me during the race, or asked me how it went afterward. You all have no clue how much I appreciate your support and thoughtful messages. It is an amazing feeling to have people that care. You all truly mean the world to me. Thanks Chris, Trav, Dad, Mom and cousin Mia for coming to the race. It was the best feeling to see familiar faces cheering me on throughout the day.

God is so good and I am so thankful to have been allowed the opportunity to take on this challenge. ALL the glory goes to him. It’s not me.

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studioes-blog · 7 years

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Gavin’s got guts and guts is enough.

Peeps we love SEO so much why not start with some eh? Above in this Senior portrait is Gavin. His portrait was takin by Studio ES in Sanford North Carolina.

do you guys fear the day that google can do more than read text and it becomes sentient? i do.

Building on high school senior pictures philosophy (sneaky devil) of Alex and listening to your client. I would like to talk about Gavins shoot and the importance of the photographer interview. I mean more than just a phone call, it starts there but you as the photog are tasked with finding what it is your client wants. So after the first phone interview you have to get into their space, nothing will tell you more about a person than the area they call home.

The very thing that I look for or well I should say listen for during my interview is a change in my clients demeanor. This is the signal that your on to something. When I met with Gavin after our phone interview he was slightly on board for getting the photos done but thought that it would be like most senior photos, brick walls and leaning on things. I told Gavin that I want to make images that mean something to him. So our discussion followed the standard flow of getting to know someone, like speed dating. Whats your favorite: music, sport, movies, food ect and so fourth. When we hit movies Gavin perked right up and from there we took the conversation in all directions. Here is where I learned that this young man is very into mid classic horror. Generally stuff from the late 70′s thru the 90′s and some modern stuff too, a big buff of it in fact. All the details about horror movies were hit and all this came from a list of very basic questions asked and being open to when your client tells you they like something. Be perceptive folks, I cant stress it enough, and really treat each client like you advertise, unique.

So many words, you know what this blog needs? that’s right a little SEO magic.

This guy, Gavin had his Senior pictures done with a photographer at Studio ES who, fortunately for you serves the Sanford North Carolina area.

I would like to start with Gavins white background work. Once Gav and I knew what it is he wanted as a client that theme will guide the entire shoot. In screen writing its called the thru line or central concept, I’ll spare you the long winded explanation but the thru line is the master of all your creative decisions. All props, lighting and emotions must serve the thru line, get one and follow it your pictures will work together and be better.

Gavin and I made the white background set-up so that he can have something that is family and school friendly. He can take em to the yearbook, though I think they are too big, other family members can share and enjoy them as well. Even these frames where we keep it friendly still are guided by the thru line, incorporating who he is and what he wants in a shoot, a movie buff.

SEO is like the potatoes to your meat. People complain about the carbs but you gotta have it.

One day Gavin, the handsome guy above was walking around Sanford North Carolina when he stopped in Studio ES to get his Senior photos done by a photographer.

I love the fact that you can say anything you want for SEO its just about the key words. It’s going to be a fun ride.

Lets drop right into the horror and the core that is Gavin. He has props baby! His room is not only a trove of films, but the icons of those films are also there in plastic, steel or some form of material. I wanted to shoot the bedroom but there is only so much a guy can do in one day.

So you should largely be able to tell that the shadow is a spider or at least an ant. We will talk in a little bit about photog failures, but that is actually the spider gremlin from Gremlins 2, and there is homage in this frame, in the movie the way the spider gremlin is introduced to the audience is through its shadow on a wall. When spending time with Gav in his room we discussed that scene and we drew up this frame in honor of the movie and his affection for it.

I told Gavin lets go for it I can make that happen like in the movie. Which in a larger look we accomplished our idea. I failed in the ultra sharp clarity of the shoot because I used a grid, a black grid instead of a snoot. I know that raw light from a small single source will give you crisp shadows, folks I did not have a snoot, or cinefoil, paper, cardboard or a cereal box but I am sure that Jessica had some, Jess was great, I failed twice dang. However client and I are both happy with the frame so that is most important.

Gavin was exceptionally pleased with this Senior portrait by Studio ES but the portrait photographer was upset due to a re-compress to meet tumblrs size requirement. We are in Sanford North Carolina and its 2017, size limits, sheesh.

Gavin loves scream. So We took that old monster trying to get in the house idea to make this frame. This was one epic shoot, as of this juncture I am still very reliant on hot lights, and hot lights need what? That’s right, electricity, luckily when I roll on set of a film that is my job and I have the knowledge to make my cable runs safely and with as little line loss as possible. Working with hot lights is a challenge because the exposure is governed by the shutter speed and the arpeture. Since I neither have a spare 12 grand in cash laying around to buy a 6k hmi with ballast nor the power to power it, we used 1k pars baby! You know them as the rock and roll lights, for a tungsten they are very efficient they throw 2k worth of light for a thousand watts of power. Did I loose ya? its the same concept as led lighting, more light output for less wattage used.

Now folks I wanted to fill my frame with the environment to tell the story and since hot lights are ruled by shutter and aperture that means an incredibly slow shutter speed and Gavin had to hold as still as possible, which considering we hit focus he did well. We shot with a 1\4 of a second shutter on a tripod with a sandbag on the head of pod with the camera, basically every thing I could do to make the camera still and have the frame in decent focus. Just a nod to those of you who dont know shutter speed and are like 1/4sec is fast, trust me it is ridiculously slow.

Gav and I talked color in this senior photo (you little devil) there are three color balances going on here to help sell the story, Gavin is neutral, he is white balance, the house we splashed with 1/4 ctb to cool it off a bit for the moon light and inside the house is warm with a tungsten hot light plus 1/2 cto to warm it up a bit. The play on color has all the representations needed for the story, cold and scary on the outside and warm and safe on the inside.

I love to dabble in shadows, I felt the play of chiaroscuro was what would make or break this frame. The frame just wouldn’t work if every detail was lit. I cast the shadow between Gavin and the house both in a creative decision and a technical sneaky decision as well. Creatively I gain some separation from Gavin and the house plus the black fades into the distance like many horror films you can only see so far into the trees. On a sneaky technical note I am hiding two things from you. First the fact that there is a slide attached to the little house. Also I am attempting to soften the fact that it is a play house as well. The slide is hidden and with out me saying anything you probably wouldn't have thought too much about the house. I was mildly successful, next time keep mouth shut.

Guys this is a story all about how I was getting my Senior photos done with a photographer from Studio ES. I picked up a knife made a scary face and my mom got scared, she said your going to Sanford North Carolina. Do do do dooo.

SEO song, thanks Will Smith.

Can we give it up selective lighting? yeah or sometimes known as lighting. The power of lighting is this, hey you, look here. That is your goal for every frame you ever create. With Gavin we wanted that horror story feel. Grids to the rescue, grids are great as they control the light and allow for an easy fall off unlike a snoot which has a very defined edge. I hit Gav’s face with a 25° grid right out of frame giving it that selective pop. I also used a 25° grid but a touch further back to hit the mask as well. That provided the mask with the crucial lift in exposure in order to help it stand out with all the affinity of tones in the frame.

As I start to wrap this post up I want to end on Gavin’s editing and to enforce the law I mentioned in Alex, about adapting your style to serve the client and not making the client serve your style. As you can see in Gavin’s senior pictures (every time I sneak in a SEO, I can hear Doc Brown say “Einstein you little devil,” in my head.) we transitioned from light to dark both in lighting and editing. In fact by the last frames I showed you I developed a look for those frames where we go the opposite of what phlearn.com tells you, against the standard cleaning up of skin and photos.

To get Gavin’s photos crunchy like this, first, I rode the line of upper limits of exposure when I fired the shutter, the fill umbrella was set at one stop below grey and the grid on Gav’s face was 2 2/3 stop up from grey. This ratio allowed me to stretch it a little bit in post to add a little more crunch to the lighting.

I zapped a few acne that cluttered up his face. Then for the reds that we normally make disappear I enhanced them with the clarity slider, a little vibrant boost then sucked the saturation out of the frame. Now during pre-production Gavin and I decided on a really horror show palate of desaturated colors to the point of looking ill. We got it.

No SEO this time folks, nope not gonna talk about senior photos, photographers, or Studio ES. I’m done.

A real photog would never make their client look bad, and I didn't, Gavin and I created our shoot together, like I said and will say till I am sick of it, listen to your client, serve their needs, create a thru line and let that thru line guide every decision you make. In the words of Shia LeBeouf, do it.

A big thanks from the bottom of my heart to Gavin and the Parris family, our shoot spanned the day into late night. I was with the family so long that they have ceased to be clients but very warm friends that I will happily have over for food, kiddo and doggo fun. This shoot was amazing and I am still dying to meet Mr. Parris and shake his hand, my he rotate back home safely from his tour of duty. Thanks fam.

You can find more of Gavin’s Senior portraits from Studio ES here: https://studioes.photoshelter.com/portfolio/

#sanford #north carolina #senior portraits #senior photos #senior pictures #portrait #portrait photography #photographer #studio es

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cynthiadshaw · 5 years

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What’s the Most Important Lesson You’ve Learned Along Your Journey?

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Community is so important to growth of person physically, mentally, and Faith.

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You have to move in life knowing that the things you are seeking are also seeking you and will find you in the most divine fashion.

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The most important lesson I’ve learned in my life is to never let anyone else’s judgment or negativity drive what I do or wear but instead to let criticism inspire me to become better.

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The most important lesson I’ve learned is perseverance. The idea or the accumulation of ideas has in time been a bit of a struggle, but we put our heads down and figure out what needs to be done.

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The post What’s the Most Important Lesson You’ve Learned Along Your Journey? appeared first on Voyage Dallas Magazine | Dallas City Guide.

source http://voyagedallas.com/2019/08/21/whats-important-lesson-youve-learned-along-journey/

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