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mrsgreenworld · 3 years

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Son Yaz Season 2, Episode 22

"Adaletin Bu Mu Dünya" ("Is This the World of Justice?") aka Barren Land

So a new season came in like a wrecking ball. I've missed watching something that gets this level of emotional response from me. That's the beauty of this show - it played on my emotional strings from the very start. It is a different type of show now, however. In season 1 Son Yaz was pretty much a show about family, with all the mafia stuff being just a background noise. It may have seemed that it was Akgün's story and his found family. And in a way it was. But it was never just Akgün's story. It's the story of the Kara family as much as it was Akgün's. This estranged family comes together when this hurt and abandoned kid lands in their lives. The gift of family and love was something that Akgün not only got but also gave in return. That's why in season 1 intro we saw the blurry image of the Kara family, all four of them, and Akgün who was standing a bit to the side, like an outsider. And he was, at the beginning. Throughout the season we saw him close this distance, both literally and figuratively.

If we look at season 2 intro, it is something else entirely. The intro music theme is still the same but it's a reworked version, it sounds lower and more intense. The blurry image of this new intro is of Selim and Akgün, just the two of them, standing next to each other, at the dusk of the day. And I feel that's what this season is going to be about - the story of these two men and either their redemption or their further downfall.

But there is another pillar the story lies upon - Yağmur. These three are going to be the focus of this review. Let's get down to it.

Yağmur

I've decided to discuss Yağmur first because she's the first one we see three years later. I also believe that she's the one who had the strongest connection with Canan. Sure Canan was loved just as much by Altay, she was and always will be the love of Selim's life. But there's usually one person among our loved ones who we share a very special connection with. And I believe that for Canan that person was Yağmur and vice versa. That's why Yağmur is the one keeping Canan's memory alive. She dresses similarly, she keeps the key to the restaurant (that's named after Canan) under a flower pot which looks remarkably similar to the one in Çeşme. I even suspect it's the same pot. Yağmur has flowers in the restaurant that she takes care of first thing in the morning. In season 1 there were scenes of Canan watering the flowers.

It might look as if Yağmur has everything under control. She seems put together, almost like her old self. But it is the calm before the storm. It only lasts as long as she doesn't stop. Yağmur said it herself: if she stops, she'll start thinking about what happened, she'll have to face it and just the possibility is making her lose her mind. But this madness won't just go away, it's brewing just beneath the surface and it showed its face in the scene where Yağmur finally saw Akgün. She was absolutely unhinged. It's like after having been in denial for three years she was catapulted into anger within the first seconds of seeing him. That's the sort of maddening rage that stems from denying yourself a chance to grieve and truly experience loss. Yağmur's drawn-out denial is going to take its toll. She's clearly suffering from PTSD and from a glimpse of her in episode 23 fragman it's clear that it's starting to affect her physically.

I don't know what the writers have in store for Yağmur but right now it seems to me that she will have to go through all of the stages of grief and in the end find acceptance and peace.

Selim

And next we see Selim who lives alone in a secluded house in Rize. He walked away from his children and his old life. He left behind his vocation. He's no longer a prosecutor. I find it interesting that Selim repeated it several times throughout the episode: "I'm not a prosecutor". We saw in season 1 how much Selim's job meant to him, how something that he had initially pursued just to be closer to Canan had become his calling and a part of him. And now with Canan gone it's like that part of Selim is gone too. Or maybe he just killed that part of himself when he took his revenge on Halil Sadi. And the way it happened is the reason why Selim decided to stay away from his children. It was gruesome and savage and Selim understood clearly how that would taint a person. That's why he tried to convince Akgün to leave him alone to take care of it and that's exactly why he kept his distance from Yağmur and Altay so as not to taint them with his darkness. Selim owns his darkness and his sins. Selim Kara is not a good man. And he knows it. Now that I think about it, he was never a good person. Back in season 1 we saw what a shitty husband and father he was. Yes, they tried to redeem him and give him a second chance. He took this chance and, I think, he really tried to be the kind of a man who deserved his family. But the bitter truth is that he never deserved Canan or his children. And I think that Selim is painfully aware of this. That's why I'm not angry with him for leaving Yağmur and Altay. I don't love or even like him but I understand him. I'm also not angry that he involved Akgün into that nightmare. Selim gave Akgün an out, in the end it was Akgün's choice to stay. I'm definitely not gonna blame Selim for the choices Akgün made.

I've already mentioned that this season can turn into either a redemption story or even further downfall for both Selim and Akgün. But I feel that no matter which way Selim chooses to go - up or down - we won't see a happy ending waiting for him. It's clear now what's waiting for him. I believe that if we don't see Selim pulling that trigger again, it will be someone else's bullet that sends him to Canan.

Akgün

Or my sweet, sweet boy... He is a boy no more 😢

Killing his own brother, going to prison, giving up the love of his life, living on the run for three years - all of that took its toll and changed Akgün irrevocably. But most of all it was that horrid night and the choice he made that turned his hopeful and blossoming future into a barren land.

He's always been hot-headed, doing-first-thinking-never. Always ready to sacrifice himself for the ones he loves. And the way he loves is fierce and maybe even a bit suffocating. And all of that hasn't changed. But now Akgün seems torn between being resigned and suicidal. He's resigned when it comes to Yağmur and the future he wanted to have with her. He's suicidal when it comes to saving his father and helping Selim.

I know that it's been pointed out in the show a number of times that Selim and Akgün are very much alike. And it may seem that what they did to Halil Sadi brought them closer together and made them even more similar. While that night definitely tied them together in a very special way that only the two of them will ever be able to comprehend, I also saw how in fact different Selim and Akgün are. And the ultimate difference lies here: Akgün is a good person. I just hope that he'll get a chance to become a good husband and a good father. The kind of a husband and father Selim never was and I don't think could ever be.

A few honourable mentions

🖤 Eray is the sweetest, most precious cupcake on this planet and he makes my heart burst with love and gratitude. He was so loving and affectionate with Akgün. From the way he hugged him and he called him "Canım benim" to the way he sent Akgün updates on Yağmur and how he comforted Akgün after the disastrous reunion.

🖤 I already said while I was live blogging that I really like the siblings role reversal they've got going on. Give me all the bitter moody teenage Altay who also has a picture of himself and Akgün from Canan and Selim's wedding.

🖤 Soner and Naz are cute and all but they're also incredibly dumb. Especially Soner who comes from a mafia family and has to marry a girl from another mafia clan. Her father is a mafia boss who's giving away his only daughter. And to make things even worse Soner had to drop the ILY at the dinner. For fucks sake... Where's your only brain cell? On the run with Akgün?🤦

And... That's pretty much it. I have to stop before it gets completely out of hand. Until next episode. I'm sure we're in for a wild ride.

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chocoholicannanymous · 5 years

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If the Spit Hits the Fan (Glee) pt VIII

Follows pt I, pt II, pt III, pt IV, pt V, part VI. and pt VII.

Readjusting to life at Dalton is a lot easier than Kurt had feared. It helps that he isn't scared witless this time, of course. It also helps that Blaine isn't there to monopolize his time – which, in hindsight, had been the root of a lot of Kurt's isolation. Now he's got the Warblers for real, and Sebastian. He's also got a much better understanding of what it'll take to keep on top of academics, and how much he can allow himself to relax. He hadn't known that last time.

(There's a nagging thought that Blaine must have known, yet said nothing, that refuses to leave his brain. It's not a pleasant one.)

Another difference is that this time Kurt's not looking to return to McKinley. Last time he'd wasted valuable time and energy trying to come up with a way to return, and daydreaming about being back. This time's different. He chose Dalton this time, and he's staying no matter what.

Also, things being what they are he's not spending large chunks of his time with Mercedes and Rachel. From what Finn reports Rachel is furious – that Kurt's left, that he's not getting punished for the election and that he's left them another person down for Sectionals. Kurt's okay with that, seeing as she hadn't exactly been a great friend before he left. As for her rantings, well. If she spreads the cheating rumors too far Kurt'll deal with it – or his dad will – and the rest is easy to ignore.

He does miss Mercedes, but at the same time he's not willing to bend enough to fix things between them. Not this time.

She didn't believe in him.

It's that simple. He was on the verge of suspension, and Mercedes didn't believe in him. She wasn't even enough of a friend to pretend she did in public. Adding her behavior over Blaine's disappearance and West Side Story.... It's up to her to make the first move, and there's nothing guaranteeing their friendship can be salvaged in the end.

So instead of spending time and energy on the mess that is the New Directions – because even with the split that's who they are – Kurt throws himself into making the most of his time at Dalton.

“I'm sorry we can't give you a solo.”

Kurt stares at Sebastian. A solo? Where did that come from? Because honestly, Kurt hadn't expect one, nor had he entirely decided if he should audition for one or not.

“We talked about it and we all know you could use it, and none of us is applying to performing arts' schools. It's simply too close to Sectionals for us to rework our setlist. Not if we want to go on to Regionals. If we do though, then we've agreed that you get a solo.”

There's a hint of pink on Sebastian's cheeks, but Kurt doesn't have the energy to try and analyze that now. It's probably Sebastian's way of apologizing or something.

“Auditions?”

“Right. I guess that this is when I tell you that the Warblers have changed how things are run. Used to be someone auditioned, and then the council decided. Only everyone knew that auditions pretty much were a sham. David and Thad admitted as much themselves, once the others started pushing. After all, it is kind of hard to pretend auditions matter when the person ending up with all the solos never even participated in the auditions in the first place.”

Which... True. Kurt just never thought the Warblers would become aware enough to see that. Maybe it's a side-effect of Wes being gone. Him and his cursed gavel...

“So now the council is gone, and everyone gets a vote on solos. And this time everyone agreed that if we make it to Regionals it was only fair to offer you a spot.”

And well, that changes things. Hopefully.

“Well, it's much appreciated either way. It's a little too late to add a Regionals solo on my NYADA application but I should be able to add it to some of the others.”

Because he is applying to other schools, regardless of what he and Rachel agreed to. Only applying to one school? Insanity. Especially a school like NYADA, which accept only 60 students per year, and only 20 of them for the concentration Kurt (and Rachel) had applied for. What if they doesn't accept him, then what? Was he supposed to stay in Lima and reapply? Spend a year or several working at the garage or in some store while his meager CV became more and more dust-covered by the minute?

No. He's applying to every school in New York that'll suit him – and a few that won't – plus another couple elsewhere. He's even considering throwing in an application to Ohio State, since the campus in Columbus offers a couple of options when it comes to theater and music. Not that he wants to stay in Ohio, not really, but he'll go just about anywhere as long as it's not Lima.

“Well, dreaming about Regionals is all very nice, but we're not there yet. Also, there are other things to consider as well, like passing all my classes. You wouldn't be willing to lend me your notes for French for a night or two, would you? Oh, and I'm not sure I interpreted the third question for our advanced reading homework correctly, so do you think we could sit down and talk it over?”

It's easier to focus on schoolwork, on grammar and linguistics, than on the strangeness of Sebastian's actions. Much easier.

Sectionals comes and goes – and leaves a trophy behind. The Warblers celebrate, and Kurt with them. If his joy is also about the possibility of a solo... Well. Who can blame him?

That is, of course, if what Sebastian said still goes. There's no reason to think it shouldn't, not really, but Kurt remembers being burnt too well to not be cautious.

Regardless, they won't be competing against the New Directions at Regionals. The Troubletones had wiped the floor with their former teammates, and Kurt can't say he's surprised. Finn isn't either, even if it's obvious that he's unhappy about it. Oh, he tries to hide it, but. He's used to winning, loves it, and was already thinking about how to do better at Nationals than last years.

And now that's not going to happen.

“They deserved it, I don't care what anyone” read Rachel “thinks. I know how much they've been rehearsing.”

And the New Directions, true to form, hadn't. Or so Kurt supposes. After all, they hadn't had a setlist when he left, and Finn hasn't complained about suddenly ending up with a ton of extra rehearsals.

“Finn? I know they are good, but I also know you guys are. And it's okay if you're not happy about losing, even to them. It sucks to lose something you really want and losing to your friends doesn't make it easier. Not at first at least.”

“Experience talking, huh?”

“Mmmmmmm.”

Kurt still remembers how it'd hurt to lose to his friends, and not even going back to them had made it feel better. He'd gone to Nationals feeling that he didn't deserve it, and knowing that Mr Schue thought the same.

“You know what really sucks about all of this? We had a suggestion for a setlist that would have given us the win. Michael Jackson songs, solos for everyone... I think it would have been awesome.”

“Let me guess, Rachel flipped.”

It's not even a question, because obviously she would have. Allowing everyone solos? No matter how small, that would have meant less time in the spotlight for her. Just as it wouldn't have mattered how great the suggested songs were, because Michael Jackson isn't something Rachel would be able to do well.

And of course Mr Schue would have folded faster than wet cardboard once she started complaining, neither of them caring that by catering to Rachel's demands they weakened the group.

“Oh yeah. And now she's on a 'woe is me because NYADA' tear, and it's driving me insane. Well, everyone. I'm pretty sure Tina's on the verge of punching her. Plus, she... Anyway, Glee sucks now.”

“She's blaming me, isn't she? For leaving, and for supposedly making Blaine leave.”

It makes sense, in a totally-not-unless-you're-Rachel-Berry way, and it's nothing less than Kurt's been expecting if he's honest. Because there's no way Rachel would ever lose gracefully, just as there's no way she'd accept the rightful blame for having messed up.

“You guessed that, huh? Yeah, sorry. I don't know what's gotten into her, I swear.”

“She's being the worst version of herself. I knew I made myself a target by leaving, I just didn't care. Then again I already was one, so I guess that's 'bigger' target. And I can't imagine she took it any better knowing that the Warblers won our Sectionals.”

Kurt can practically hear Finn wince over the phone, which is never an encouraging thing – and yet, much too frequent with Rachel Berry in the picture.

“I...might have told her that I wouldn't talk to her about it, and walked out the door when she did it anyway?”

Kurt removes the phone from his ear, stares at it, shakes it to see if anything is broken inside, stares at it again and then replaces it.

“I'm sorry, you what? Are you telling me you finally located your balls when it comes to a girl?”

And then it's Kurt's time to audibly wince, because while true that's also extremely rude – and crude – and Finn doesn't deserve it. Not even though it's true.

“I'm sorry, I shouldn't have said that.”

“Nah, it's nothing I don't deserve. I just, I've had it okay? I love Rachel, I do, but sometimes I'm not so sure I like her. And the past few weeks have been worse than usual. When we got back together it was supposed to be for this year, since she's going to New York after graduation. Which I figured I could get around, you know? Part of me wants to ask her to marry me and commit to going to New York with her. Another part figured it'll never work since she can't respect anything or anyone outside of herself and her dreams.

“She only changed her mind about sex because Artie told her she wasn't credible onstage otherwise, and she didn't even tell me at first. Then she's been an absolute bitch about everything with you. So let's say I change her mind and we get married. What else will she do?

“I'm not sure about being with her at all anymore, and it's not breaking my heart like it should.”

Hearing that? Kind of breaks Kurt's heart though. Once upon a time he'd have been ecstatic to hear something like this from Finn. Now he's grown beyond that, and all he wants for Finn is happiness. (That he's not sure Rachel can provide that isn't really the point. Up until now Finn has believed it, and that's the only thing that matters.)

“I'm sorry. Do you... I'll be home Friday evening. Want me to bring some cookies and watch a movie, or do you have plans?”

“Peanut butter chocolate chips? Plus, Captain America comes out on DVD this week, and I know you like Chris Evans.”

“I really really do.”

They both laugh, and if Finn's is a bit strained neither of them are going to admit it. What's important here is that regardless of everything they've got each other.

#chocoholic fics #kurt fic #kurt hummel #a wild sebastian appears #in 2019 we finish our wips #if the spit hits the fan #scraps and snippets #brotherly furt

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fairycosmos · 5 years

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and it's hard because I don't know how to grow on my own when i'm dealing with my body issues and stuff. i don't talk to anyone, i don't have any friends and i'm super lonely all the time so i'm sure that doesn't help lsdakjflksdjf but i'm trying anyway, i'm sorry for venting. love u chloe, i hope you're having a nice day

hi baby, im so sorry to hear that 😔 it sounds exhausting just reading about it. im proud of you for continuously trying and for being here. i can relate a lot to what you're saying. for many people a big aspect of their eating disorder is not feeling like it's 'serious' enough, but this is simply another trick 'that' part of your mind is playing on you.... it's trying to get you to continue pushing your boundaries, trying to convince you that "well at least ive never passed out" is sound reasoning. it's not. cause then when you do pass out, it changes to "at least i havent had a heart attack." you lose your sense of accurate judgement when it comes to this sort of thing, and it's important not to believe everything your brain tells you. it's not reliable. the fact that you feel this way at all is a pretty good indicator that you need and deserve help, as we all do at times, even if you don't want to accept that fact. point is, if you suffer from disorderd eating consistently then it IS harmful, it IS traumatic and you don't need permission to feel the weight of it on your shoulders. the extent of it is just a minute detail in the grand scheme. cause the longer you use that as an excuse, the worse it gets. you don't have to be on deaths door to be at serious risk. emotional pain alone is enough of a reason to seek what you need.

that relationship with your ex sounds very stressful and i can totally understand why you're still feeling weird about it, even now. there's truly no rush even if it's frustrating to constantly think of her. i think something we have to let people go over and over again in our minds. another symptom of an ed is constantly being in competition with those around you, even those you love, which is so tiring. and it's not your fault at all. it's part of the illness. you didn't ask for any of this. just cause she was struggling doesn't mean you were struggling any less, you know? her pain didn't diminish yours. you still went through all that. you're both absolutely entitled to your own experiences. it can sometimes be v toxic for two mentally ill people to be together and the mental repercussions of that may take a lot of energy and growth to overcome. it's allowed to hurt, and you're allowed to cry. to miss her, and to not miss her. maybe it will always feel awful to look back on it, but it absolutely won't always feel like it does right now. where you're at in this moment is not where you'll always be. it's absolutely valid to want to run away and become someone else, i don't fuckin blame you at all. but even if you stay in your town, you're going to evolve. you may not even notice it at first, but the fact that you made it through the breakup speaks volumes. you got through today without her. you've had small victories since then. that relationship is a very tiny part of who you're growing to be. you're much more capable than you realize, and im not just saying that... every day you're learning to cope, even subconsciously. and that's really all you can ask of yourself.

isolation can definitely worsen your symptoms, can fuck up your perception of yourself and the world and your problems. but i think a lot of us go through phases of loneliness especially when we're struggling, and it's not an indicator of whether or not you deserve friendship. you ALWAYS will. it's just really difficult to come by. there's nothing wrong with you as a person, no matter how much your insecurities tell you otherwise. though i don't doubt that love is waiting in your future, dude. but interpersonal relationships aren't the only form of support out there. you said it's been five years since you've been stuck in these cycles, and you have the self awareness to know that it's not right. so do you think maybe it's time to look into professional help, if that's an option and if you haven't already? of course your brain doesn't think it's that big of a deal but the fact that it's lasted this long and caused so many problems for you just proves that you need to take action. whether it's your doctor, a counselor, a support group in your area, even just a hotline to begin with.... you're not doomed to a lifetime of mental compulsions. there is so so much that can be done, through therapy and building a network of healthy relationships and mechanisms, seriously. of course it's a scary prospect, and you don't even have to like the idea. but you said you want to grow, you just don't know how. acting on your self hatred has only made things worse. so how about you try the opposite to disrupt the cycle? positive change really does spur from putting yourself first, even if you have to force it. it's completely normal to be afraid, but being honest about what's happening will never be as bad as you think it'll be. these professionals will let you work at your own pace to figure out the root causes of why you developed these behaviours, and how to fight the urges when they do arise. reworking your perception of food and your body is so so possible if you let the vulnerability in.

i understand that it's incredibly daunting and overwhelming. so even if you just begin with researching self help techniques and implementing them into your daily life, or accepting that you're allowed to feel pain, or crying instead of binging. forcing yourself to eat a piece of fruit instead of starving. these efforts are practices that will absolutely get easier with time. and not every day has to be good or successful. but as long as you're just trying to do what's right by you. it always comes back to knowing that you're going to be yourself for the rest of your life. might as well try to be your own friend. it's too exhausting not to. anyway im sorry this got long, i know words don't change anything and there's only so much i can say but.....i just hope you're able to get to a place where you don't feel guilty about what is beyond your control, and where you're able to put your mental well-being above your feelings. getting there may be a process, but it's supposed to be. and i really really believe in u!! you're not as alone as you feel. i love you and i'll be here if you want to talk, feel free to drop me a message. take it one day at a time luv 💖

#tw eating disorder #tw binging #tw starving #anon

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winterbuckytho · 6 years

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The Assassin Who Loved Me (Part 2)

Pair: Stucky

Wordcount: 3841

Plot: AU of CATWS events via prompt supplied by the fabulous jewishcap

Warnings: NSFWish sexual activity mentioned and implied, Violence mentioned and implied

A/N: I am primarily an erotica & horror writer so in a few weeks I’ll begin reworking and telling the story making it much longer and adding more detail in those elements (Because Winter Soldier being a terrifying insane yet competent murderer when Steve isn’t looking MUST be done)

In the SUV, Bucky became more talkative without strangers around, even if he still sounded fuzzy in the brain department.

“I was such an idiot. I’m not gonna mess this up.”

“Mess what up, Buck?” Steve said absentmindedly.

“Us. We were trying to do what normal guys do and make our families proud. I’m blessed so I’m not going to miss my chance to love you the right way.” Bucky said completely determined.

The car went silent for several minutes. Then Steve said, “Never said it out loud, even to myself. I thought I’d just love you from afar and that would be that. I didn’t know you…”

“Felt the same? Like I said, we were idiots. But I remember. I remember how you looked at me sometimes, how your hand would brush mine and our eyes would be drawn to one another’s. I remember what you did on New Year’s of ‘42.”

Steve who had been taking a left accidently jerked the wheel in his surprise but recovered quickly. “You remember?!?!”

“Steve, you said you had something to show me in a pantry then got on your knees and-”

“You never said anything! Do you know how bad I felt about taking advantage of you?!”

“You idiot! I had to act it didn’t happen. We didn’t have time to stop saving the world from Hydra to have dramatic assessments of each other and our relationship, Steve. People needed you to kill Nazis and you needed me to keep you from getting sniped in the back of the head!”

Once again the interior of the SUV fell silent until this time Bucky spoke again.

“Didn’t you hear and feel me that night? Why in the world did you think I didn’t want it? Did you really think I was so drunk I didn’t know what was happening?”

“…The next day when nothing changed I just thought, either you remembered and only let me do it because you didn’t want to make me feel bad about being…or worse you didn’t remember and hadn’t wanted and I just went ahead made you…” Steve answered.

“You think the kiss after was me going along to get along or doing something I didn’t want to?”

“Not now, of course, no.”

“So it’s like I said, we can’t waste what we’ve been given. As far as I know, the future has been pretty weird, what with this arm thing and the glowing thing in that guy’s chest and I don’t know if people still die, I may be the only person who has ever come back from the dead. Of human history, this is probably the first time a dead soldier has returned to his beloved. I would be insane if I just kept the charade going. I’m gonna be true to you if it kills me, if anyone has a problem they can take it up with me anytime.”

When they finally settled in a bit Bucky wandered through the house eventually arriving at the fridge where he realized he was the hungrier than he had ever been. But many of the things in there confused him. He went to find Steve who had been digging out some clothes for Bucky so he could have a shower.

“Steve, what’s wrong with this cucumber?”

“That’s not a cucumber. That’s a zucchini.”

“A what? Speaking fake Italian is rude. That goes for other languages too. Why is there a green pepper that is red? How much has food changed, do cows and chickens still look the same?”

“These things aren’t new. They have a better way if food preservation and distribution so more foods are available.”

“We didn’t need more vegetables. We needed to be able to buy them in the first place. We used to only need just a few. Corn, carrots, potatoes, onions, cabbage, lettuce, tomatoes, garlic. What more do ya need?”

“Nutrients. We grew up barely hanging on. Now more people can afford to eat more diverse foods.”

“If you say so. Another question what’s the thing that looks like a lizard and a pear mixed together?”

“An avocado. It’s a vegetable.”

“Listen, I’m too hungry to even remember what it’s name is, can you show me how to eat something in there?”

“Sure. I can whip you up a snack. Later I’ll make some dinner.”

All things considered, while it was important to Steve to eat well, he chose to feed Bucky some of his leftover steak bomb calzone. Bucky exclaimed loudly the entire time he ate. When Steve told him it was the last four pieces of a 16 piece calzone that had cost $24, Bucky dropped his food on accident and said “What was wrong with it? ”

“Pardon? "Said Steve.

"That much food for $20, there had to be something wrong with it. Were the ingredients going bad when it was made?”

“No. A 5 lb bag of flour at the grocery store is about $3 now. So you can imagine these other things in it are priced similarly.”

“What!? No!”

“Yes. Food is so abundant people have a hard time avoiding stuff that’s no good. Turns out too much sugar is like consuming poison. It can give you health problems that go from rotted teeth to lowered liver function.”

“That’s horrifying. Is there anything that bad in this currently killing me? I’m still gonna finish it, tastes too good not to, but I’m just curious.”

“Worst thing in that is the dough since it’s high in carbs which turn into sugar in your body and arguably the meat and cheese. Also turns out the meat and dairy industry is great for us not but so much for the animals. Old fashion farmers were way more respectful of animals. Now it just a lot of huge companies making money as fast as possible be damned the cruelty to the animals those faster practices are based in.”

Bucky who had once had to kill his own chicken to eat it, could see how that was a problem. Still, that calzone was just sooo good. He had to figure out a way to not feel like a piece of shit the next time he ate something like it in the future.

After Steve showed him how the shower worked, what bottle was soap and what was shampoo, by 9:30 they had eaten then Steve had taken a shower as well and they began to talk about going to bed. They sat on Steve’s couch watching a bit of Laverne and Shirley.

“Listen I’m trying here. I know you didn’t want to hide how we feel anymore so… Would it be weird if you… slept in my bed or are we not at that-” Steve began nervously.

Bucky had turned to steve balled up his fist in the collar of Steve’s sleeveless tank and pulled him forward into a kiss. He didn’t use tongue at first. Steve was in such shock he went entirely still when their lips touched. Bucky wanted to be sure he had read him correctly. When Steve relaxed more then Bucky slipped him some tongue between his lips for a long languid yet heart stopping French kiss. It felt to Steve like they were slowly melding together lips first.

When he was done he said “I think we’re close enough, we’ve shared a blanket and a mattress before. Am I moving too fast for you?”

“NO! Ehem, I mean I just wanted to offer the place that’s most comfortable. It’s not like I wanna get fresh with you.” Steve stammered.

“Well, what if I want you to? What if I’ve wanted you to every time we slept in the same place since we were 15?”

“Huuh!” He gasped as if Buck had just kicked him in the balls. “That explains- uh, OK. My bed is open to you.”

“Are your legs too?” Bucky whispered pulling Steve to meet his lips again.

This time the kiss was filled with pure electricity. Sparks flew mentally emotionally and sexually. Steve whined like a puppy unsure where inside him such a noise came from.

Steve tried to say, “Well I wouldn’t put it so bluntly.” Instead, he made a shuddering groaning sound that ended in a high pitched gasp.

Then he grasped Bucky pulling him onto his lap, arms a sliding down his back pulling each of Buck’s legs around his hips. Bucky locked his ankles behind Steve back, threw his arms around his shoulders and held on for dear life. Then eyes closed, hopelessly blissfully finally lost in Bucky’s embrace, Steve vaulted over the couch and sprinted to his bedroom with Buck in his arms.

Once in his room, he pulled something that looked like a dance move. Dipping Bucky low as he did a roundhouse kick, he hit the door slamming it without letting go of Bucky, completing the turn and slamming Bucky’s back against it. Pressing up against him Steve reached around Buck’s legs and began pushing his sweat pants and boxers down.

****

The Asset cried in the middle of the seduction. It hadn’t been planned. It was just a culmination of all the things that had been happening all day coming to a head.

He had planned meticulously every minute detail of his interaction seduction and persuasion of Rogers. Everything he said and did throughout the day had yielded maximum positive effects on the target. Manipulating his own thoughts to induce a panic attack, for instance. Speaking to Rogers of an event that happened between the two no one other than Barnes himself, made evident from his personal journal, knew of. With every pre-calculated response from Rogers, the planned moved inevitably forward.

But all day things had happened which were not planned and derailed The Asset momentarily from his objectives. During the panic attack, he felt and saw things… There had been real pain. Had the personality imprint worked so well he had created false memories of an event he had never even heard of till 3 months ago?

When Rogers spoke to him sometimes words, images, things he thought he didn’t recognize yet somehow did came to his mind. Being small running down the sidewalk in the rain whooping and cheering for the cool blessing breaking up the heat of the day. Fighting? No, dancing. Many people dancing, exuberant and energetic joyful movement. “32557038…”

The final straw had been while he was using his body as a sexual weapon as opposed to a violent one. Rogers working over him, moonlight spilling in through the window with the breeze, a voice inside said clearly undeniably “I’m Home…” It had been confusing. The Asset wondered who was “I”? Doesn’t home mean 'resident address’ or 'shelter’? The Asset had neither of those things. He tried to not react to the confounding event but a physical malfunction occurred and water began leaking from The Asset’s face.

“Oh, no, are you crying? I’m sorry, I-” Steve worried.

The Asset thought fast and tried to tell the first lie that came to mind but first, nothing came and he started to wonder if something was going wrong when words came out. “I’m so…happy. I’m here with you and I’m happy.” Again, he did not understand the usage of “I”

It didn’t matter. No, his mission was almost complete. Two hours after Rogers fell asleep, The Asset awoke, got out of bed and rummaged the house in stealth. He found a gun and a large kitchen knife. He now stood at the foot of his targets bed. He slipped forward in silence. He planned to first blind Rogers then shoot him. If he shot first there was too large a chance Rogers could brave through the pain like no other human could and would have a chance to fight the gun out of the Asset’s hand. If he only slit his jugular Rogers may still retain energy enough to fight to live. So The Asset would stab him in both eyes, incapacitating him with pain, slice his throat and put a bullet in his heart then his head.

He stood beside the bed a long time before he understood he was doing it wrong. He was supposed to act a long time ago. He had walked over here from across the room and when he arrived he was supposed to begin the assault. But he hadn’t for some reason. He had raised the knife over Rogers’ head and now nothing could make him attack.

He thought he wanted to. A failed mission means a lot of punishment and deterrents and he didn’t want that. No, he wanted to complete the mission and go back to the ice, the only place he knew solace from the mad loud terrifying world. He felt nothing stopping his body from moving. He tried and brought the knife down within a millimeter of Rogers right eye. He could not press forward. He realized nothing in the known universe could make him do it. He tried the gun. He pressed it in as close as he could, as close as he dared without waking rogers. The result was the same.

He returned the weapons to their rightful places in the house. he returned to the bedroom and kneeled on the carpet. He looked at Rogers’ face and the longer he looked, the more images and thoughts came to his mind. It became very distressing. For hours he sat, experiencing ideas and feelings, things that had been absent previously, and when he next asked himself who “I” referred he noted with horror he almost knew. Because “I” could never hurt Steve. “I” would always love him and protect him. “I” knew now that Steve and home had been found and would never let them go again.

Unable to stand it any longer he retrieved the gun. he knew what had to be done now.

When Steve opened his eyes he looked down the length of his arm, he saw Bucky holding his right hand. With both of his hands.

Bucky was holding Steve’s fingers around a Glock. It was aimed at Bucky’s forehead. He cried silently and said to Steve “Kill me… You have to…”

Steve’s heart leaped into his throat. He fought down his initial fright to stop himself from accidentally shooting and said “Bucky!? No, stop! This is dangerous! Let go of me-”

“Kill meee! "Bucky hissed not raising his voice but still speaking over Steve.

”-you have to let go of me-“ Said Steve trying to pull his hand and the gun away from Bucky.

”-you have to kill me-“ Bucky insisted pressing the gun barrel into the skin of his forehead. His eyes were open but they were blank in a way Steve had no care for. They looked almost dead, like corpses.

"Bucky, what are you doing?! Please, stop, let me-” He said struggling to stop Bucky pressing his finger into the center of the trigger guard with one of his own metal ones. His finger was just a millimeter or two from the trigger and it scared him more than anything.

“-kill me-!!!!” Bucky growled. His stare was losing its sick emptiness, but that was scarier, having him seemingly to getting close to panic with a loaded gun with it’s mother -CHRIST!- fucking safety off right up against his head where, unless he dodged, he would surely take the bullet in the brainpan.

Unable to take Bucky’s misery and fear anymore Steve shouted “Bucky STOP IT NOW!!! Why are you doing this?! What wrong with you?!”

Holding Steve’s hand in a literal death grip Bucky was saying “Can not do this… I won’t kill you… but I can’t stop SHIELD…” never raising his voice yet quieting the room all the same.

“Bucky… SHIELD? Did you think you would kill me? Why would you do that? Let’s just stop for a minute ok? Just tell me what’s wrong, baby, tell how to help you! Were you…did you think you would kill me?”

“Yes. ” He moaned like a person trying to pass a kidney stone. He was looking at Steve in a way no one ever had. Like he wished he couldn’t and that Steve couldn’t see him either.

“Why? I don’t understand. Why are you doing this, what’s happened?”

“No, no, no! Just pull the trigger, Steve, pull and let’s be done, I can’t pretend to be him anymore. God… let you love me like him, it was wrong, so wrong…never…” Was all Bucky would say.

“What are you talking about, I don’t know what you’re talking about. Let me put the gun dow-”

Bucky’s breathing became erratic and escalated until he shrieked at the top of his lungs. His mouth now opened he presses forward placing the barrel of the gun in his mouth. Looking obscenely as if he were going to give it fellatio like he had done Steve’s cock the night before.

Steve leaped out of the bed and only just barely wrenched Bucky’s hands up and over his head. He pulled dragging Bucky off his knees and pushed him down to the floor on his belly.

Bucky allowed the gun to be wrestled from his fingers. He let Steve restrain him. Steve looked on too stunned and keyed up to do anything else. “Buck, I don’t understand what is happening. Please talk to me, make me understand. I promise you, whatever this is, you don’t have to struggle alone. I will help you, no matter how hard or how long the fight.”

Through his tears, Bucky moaned in despair “….Air frequency attack and low dosage hallucinogens released shortly before hand… Mass hysteria meant to mask the drop. You didn’t see the clear pvc harness at all, didn’t feel me unhook it. It was easy to discard in the chaos. I thought I knew every step like the back of my hand. I trained good. I did good… I just didn’t expect to feel anything, I’m not supposed to feel like this!!” He screamed this last as if he were talking about feeling like he was dying. “I wasn’t "I” until last night. I was and now I can’t go back… I can’t complete the mission and when I go back they are going to hu-h-hurt me, but I won’t hurt you. I’m “I” not him, not Barnes… I lied because they told me to! Now it’s breaking me, knowing how good he would have it, how I can never have it again!“

"Bucky, what are you…Bucky why do you keep saying that? Who is…why do you keep speaking like you aren’t who you are??” Steve asked still holding Bucky down but losing his grip somewhat as he tries to process the things Bucky has just said.

“I told you, because I’m-” His speech breaks off there then for a few minutes though Steve is asking him “What? You’re what?” he doesn’t respond nor blink nor breath.

****

With so much pressure in his psyche, something under him broke and Bucky fell momentarily into a pit in his own mind. He falls like he fell off the train that day so very long ago and every memory of every moment returns to him as he’s falling. The images sensation and feelings rush up at him from the dark and every scar he’s had since that fall is now evident to him.

He sees his arm replaced and sees himself trained first like a dog. Naked and starving, scrambling to obey for the smallest comfort or met need. Soon he sleeps, eats, breathes only when he is told to. He is a fast learner. Good doggy, now die inside. Then he is trained like a machine. He is taught to fight his biology, to take control from his own mind and to hand it to them, so they can program him, tell him when to shit or cry, when to fuck or slow his heart rate and play dead. What a good boy. Next he’s trained to be a toy, he learns how to assume identities the way one collects toy cars or figurines. They teach him how to be a whore or a child or a killer. When he plays their party game he plays it well, goes for the high score as Rumlow says.

He remembers every horrible thing, all the killing, destroying, betraying, violating. They program his arm to feel as if he has been flayed for weeks if he tries to disobey in any way no matter how minor. Soon he became one with all of his training, it was the only way to survive, every name crossed out was his only reason for existence. He had no question nor desire, or dream.

Lastly, a mirror becomes visible at the end of this tunnel of tormented memories.

The carefully crafted lenses through which they made him experience himself has cracked, is shattering and has begun to fall away. At first, he saw the image they surrounded him with, the face in the mirror while unwelcome, was familiar, he had seen it sometimes and didn’t like to look too long. Because something, some shadow, lurked behind it and now he could see through the cracks: not a shadow, a man.

Himself.

****

Steve shakes Bucky’s limp body, beginning to beg, “No no no, no he’s just come back to me…No no, please God in heaven, no! Bucky! Bucky, baby, you have to breath…say something…Jesus lord, Bucky! Bucky, you have to breath, baby! Please, no, oh God no..!”

He has rolled him onto his back and is attempting to do a medical run down while in full on panic. He tries to listen for Bucky’s heart but he can’t heart it over his own thundering away inside his chest. His breathway isn’t blocked. Steve can see no reason why this is happening. The only thing he can do is breath for him and if it feels to long run to his phone on the other side of the bed to get help.

Steve is doing his best when on the third time of trying chest compression, screaming at Bucky to "Fucking live, breath, Bucky you fucking live!” as if he can intimidate Buck back to life, Bucky’s lips start to move.

Steve leans down and listens to see if he is saying anything Steve can hear.

“It can’t be. It can’t be. It can’t be.” he says over and over so many times on one breath Steve is sure he is still technically not breathing.

Then with absolutely no warning at all Bucky throws Steve through his own bedroom wall. As Steve goes flying backward he witnesses Bucky vault up from the floor, turn on a single toe and dive across the room out of the bedroom window. There is a horrible crunch of metal. Steve struggles to his feet as quickly as he can, runs and look out to see a car smashed nearly flat with a hole in it’s roof in the shape of a hand and no Bucky in sight.

Part 3 the end

#Stucky #Bucky Barnes #Steve Rogers #AU #MCU

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insanescriptist · 6 years

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So, what do you and Umei think is the main distinction between Sky and Earth Flames? And any ideas about how they came to be? Though they're source may differ depending on which fanfic'vsrse it's from, so for clarity I'm mostly asking about Black Sky and Xanxus' Adventures in Parenthood Piracy.

Well, there are differences between Black Sky and XAiPP; lots of Izzy’s wild theorizations of Flames first appear in XAiPP and were further refined over the next few years with Umei as Black Sky progressed. Izzy kinda needs to rework sections of XAiPP but Izzy would need some time to do it in and Izzy is generally pressed enough because work is always short-handed don’t ask which is good for Izzy’s paycheck but less so for Izzy’s stress levels and free-time. Please don’t ask about the customers, please don’t.

Now then, canonically Flames are Genetic. So how Flames came to be is Genetic.

Which means that having Earth Flames are Sky Flames is by genetics. But you can also test for Flames by some method that’s never explained beyond the ‘learning to spark Ring,’ or ‘obvious unique personality trait.’ The latter of which Izzy now considers less reliable; socialization, background and culture all matter, okay? Anon, please pester me again about updating my Flame Lore.

More to the point, there’s this rather giant plot hole called the Future Arc. Where Flames are a lot more common knowledge and studied. To the point that the wavelengths for the different Flames can be harnessed individually to power Boxes.

If I were a megolomanic, determined to re-write reality, then I’d want some unique troubleshooters being enforcers ie Earth Flames. That Byakuran didn’t -and man, what a missed foreshadow opportunity was that- means Byakuran either didn’t bother with them or had killed the Simon off. And also possible is that Verde and the other two scientist/engineers of the Box Weapon Trio never encountered Earth Flames despite lots of testing. And this is if you play the Future Arc/Saga straight as ‘true as depicted’ and not as something else.

Which either means that Earth Flames are ridiculously rare or that people don’t understand that they exist as separate Flames from the Sky Spectrum. Which is very plausible and likely to have happened in canon until the Simon came out and beat their faces in with evidence otherwise.

Izzy offers two pieces of evidence for Mafia Unawares

1. Wrath Flames

2. Fuuta’s manipulation of gravity

Now, there are only two people with Wrath Flames in KHR; as said before, you’re pretty much born with what you got because genetics are a bitch that way. Those two are Ricardo and Xanxus. Now we don’t actually know how Ricardo and Giotto are related but clearly Ricardo takes after the other side of the family since he’s not blond or Giotto hit the recessive lottery. We also don’t know how Xanxus is related to anybody outside of his mother but we do know he has red eyes.

You know who else ALL have red eyes? The Simon. Wrath Flames being a combination of Sky and a specific Earth Flame makes sense. Also Izzy would like to see more Xanxus and Simon interaction in the ‘how the hell are we related’ and obviously the ‘you can’t help who you’re related to’ and ‘who the fuck fathered such a bastard like you?’ Because Enma’s parents were murdered in Italy, so there was likely to be someone that Daemon helped into the grave that probably fathered Xanxus.

Not Storm, not Swamp but that unnamed Flame that Yamamoto’s fellow baseballer uses that gouges and almost kills Yamamoto? Yeah, that one. The one without a name, officially.

Disintegration at its base is separating molecular bonds by adding energy; basically, setting it on fire. Those sort of gouges in the locker room in both living and nonliving objects without a physical direction to create all of them?

…

Yeah, that’s not Disintegration but it is a whole lot cleaner and faster than Disintegration and also of a much wider area; that old hunter’s adage of one shot, they got it, two shots they’re putting it out of its misery and three shots is them hitting air? That locker room was a mess and it was quick; the mess would have been far worse if Yamamoto had fought back and a lot more spread out if he tried to run. Yamamoto got hit with the Flame-equivilant of buckshot. Buckshot that rips holes in people and things like the magic-bullet it is.

Still, most people in the mafia go ‘you have to be born with it,’ or ‘it’s a special mix of Flames.’ Which yes, it is, but probably not Storm Flames. It’d leave different marks. Compare Xanxus vaporizing a classroom in an instant to how a Storm’s Flames have to ‘eat’ through things.

Now Fuuta’s manipulation of gravity is just a ‘quirk’ of him using his Ranking Powers, according to the manga. Which isn’t as accurate on Rainy Days, for some inexplicable reason. According the the manga.

Or it is, because for all that Earth is said to be ‘Gravity’ what it really is, is Playing with Magnetic Fields and Charges. Because as Magneto, magnet trains and rail guns prove, magnetic fields and charges can lift ‘objects.’ Especially if they’re conductive. And the human body is a conductor and people can ‘feel’ strong enough magnetic forces.

Now Fuuta ranks people, so he has to get that data from somewhere. Fuuta says it’s a ‘ranking planet’ but really, he’s a kid; he doesn’t know for sure and he can’t remember the data after a ranking if he doesn’t write it down. What’s more likely is that Fuuta is using Earth’s magnetic field to pass ‘data’ on to him, which is then processed in an Altered State of Mind and then organized into ‘ranks.’

Altered States of Mind effecting memories is a known thing. Basically it’s the ‘when you’re sober you don’t remember it but you do once you’re drunk again.’ Or high. Or sleep-deprived. Basically if it’s not your normal state, due to pain meds or whatever, you’re not going to be likely to remember it because your brain put it somewhere strange. But once you’re off your rocker again, brain remembers where it put it, because guess where it’s going to put new memories? Strange place again.

Now Fuuta’s ‘requirements’ for a Ranking are a little strange. He has to have met the person he’s ‘ranking’ to do them. Basically, Fuuta’s learning your own specific ‘magnetic aura’ to have something to compare to. And he can do so rapidly and accurately forever afters. No matter in terms of strength, wealth, intelligence or personality.

Fuuta’s a little scary like that, okay? Fuuta’s hacking the earth for all your files. Fuuta’s lack of accuracy when it rains is because the rain is washing out all those ions in the atmosphere; those same ions he’s using to transmit data around the world. It’s why Fuuta can even tell it’s raining when he’s in a windowless underground bunker. He basically gets hit with radio static and Lag.

As TYL!Fuuta goes out and about with Bianchi without a Flame Ring to protect himself with in a ‘future’ where even the lower-ranking ‘enemy officers’ have Boxes and Flames… it either says that Fuuta’s relying on Bianchi entirely for protection or that Fuuta has his own methods despite the lack of Ring and Box. Not that Fuuta ever fought, but it’d be interesting to see how he’d do so. Because not learning how is just Stupid, especially when the Vongola are being hunted down and you know it.

TL;DR - the mafia’s aware that some individuals have Odd Flames. They’re just not aware enough to both realize and weaponize it beyond an individual and personal basis ie X-guns Xanxus made for self compared to Bester’s roar of Box Animal made by Verde. So they don’t realize the Earth Spectrum exists except as Odd Flame/Quirk/some unexplained Flame Thing due to odd wavelength which varies between people anyway. This is XAiPP’s perspective because the wavelengths are there-ish, but the science is still shaky on the exact differences; mostly due to lack of study but also because rarity. Again, Byakuran didn’t use/bother with Earth Flames so is stupidly rare.

…

Which is something that is both canon and that Black Sky supports.

Black Sky however explains the difference.

You know that old elements diagram? The Greek one? Have a stylized one, from an image that Izzy picked from a google search.

Basically, Sky Flames are air-natured, and Earth Flames are earth-natured; hence the names because Sky sounds better than Air. Individual Flames can be found along this spectrum with a bit of common sense and thinking.

Izzy and Umei have discussed where exactly each would fall, but it’s pretty much common sense.

Like Storm is most Fire, Rain is most Water and Lightning is most Air. Sun and Sky fall on the Fire side while Mist and Cloud fall on the Water side. Or something to that effect; you can quibble on the placement on the Fire-side of Air and which is Most Air without much issue beyond someone’s say-so. Izzy’s just saying that Lightning is Most Air because one of the main theories of How to Make Lightning is that it’s oppositely charged particles in the air. Therefore is least ‘dense.’ Or why Lightning’s property of Hardness makes no sense as it is not physical itself but why it makes good sense in a shield so long as you don’t overload it.

On the Earth Side of things, Earth is Most Earth. Glacier, Swamp and Forest would be on the Water Side and Desert, officially unnamed Flame and Mountain on the Fire side.

Now, since this isn’t really a spoiler… a lot of magical enclaves have more Earth-spectrum individuals because genetics influence Flames. A smaller gene-pool means less of a chance of traits ie Earth Flames being bred out of said gene-pool.

Now Izzy is going to look over the chapter Umei just sent and go to bed. It’s like four am and Izzy has plans for once she gets up. Plans that do not involve work for once.

#Izzy answers #I hope this makes sense #Flame Lecture Series #I'm gonna edit this after sleep #because Izzy's sure she missed something somewhere

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