#but his friends all agreed. his penchant for weird solutions | Explore Tumblr Posts and Blogs

shihalyfie · 3 years

Text

A meta and analysis on Yagami Taichi

Being the face of Adventure and arguably the rest of the franchise, Taichi has the honor of being an important figure in the realm of shounen anime overall, which has the unfortunate side effect of very often being described with things that don’t actually match him at all -- the way people often talk about him (especially mainstream press) tends to portray him like a stereotypical shounen hero who charges aggressively into everything and is hot-blooded all of the time. That’s not...quite on the mark.

I think “impulsive” is certainly a correct way to describe him, but in a very different way than one might think -- and, in fact, Taichi is much more of a multifaceted character than he’s often pigeonholed as. How? Well, let’s talk about it!

Taichi in Adventure

The main reason it’s probably incorrect to call Taichi “hot-blooded” by nature is that, in actuality, he is far more often too chill than otherwise. It’s not that he aggressively charges into everything without any rhyme or reason! Rather, it’s more like he takes everything very easily and has a “don’t worry about it!” attitude.

In fact, I think our friend the Animation Chronicle explains it better than I can:

If he doesn’t know/understand something, he acts while he tries to figure it out...

So in other words, rather than our conventional version of “being impulsive” meaning beelining to the most aggressive possible action, rather, it’s more like “the first thing that pops into his head” -- even if it’s a fairly easygoing or relatively harmless-seeming solution, he just goes for it because it sounds like it’ll work and he doesn’t see any reason why not.

That said, it’s also made abundantly clear by multiple sources that his ideas do come with some kind of consideration:

From the Animation Chronicle: “He appears to move with reckless abandon, but he actually does take in his surroundings and he takes good care of his juniors in the soccer club.”

From the Adventure novels: “Taichi treated everyone without discrimination, as equals. That attitude of his didn’t change, even towards Koushiro. If Taichi hadn’t invited him, Koushiro was sure that he would have never gone to summer camp.”

Sora and Koushirou even back this up personally in Adventure episode 16, when Koushirou points out that Taichi had always been kind to his juniors, and Sora recalls an incident when he’d foregone an opportunity to score a goal because he’d known Sora was more likely to pull it off successfully.

So in other words, Taichi is, fundamentally speaking, not someone who does things for personal glory, but does want to work for other people’s sake. It’s just that, in trying to carry that out, he has a tendency to default to the first thing that pops into his head. Or in other words, Taichi’s primary way of thinking is “act first and figure out the details later” -- and this has both good and bad things about it.

Firstly, the fact that Taichi has such an “action-first” philosophy means that he’s capable of acting very practically in situations when others would freeze up. A very good example of this is Adventure episode 21; after angsting for half an episode considering quitting the fighting and enjoying his life at home, the moment he realizes that everyone else will be in danger if he leaves everyone be, he immediately instinctively steps in to help everyone. It’s not necessarily that Taichi doesn’t feel the stress or danger of fighting; it’s just that when he sees the practical impact of people he cares about getting hurt in front of him, all bets are off, because he needs to help people now.

The second thing is that, as Koushirou points out, he’s very kind to his juniors, and people in general -- he doesn’t really pay much mind to things like seniority, and is more concerned about treating everyone in accordance to their practical capabilities. This means that he’s someone who has a certain sense of charisma, especially since he’s appreciative of people’s abilities.

This is best indicated in Adventure episode 28, when two important things about Taichi are brought to the forefront:

Taichi’s natural charisma and ability to appeal to people makes him someone good at “bringing people together” -- indicated by the fact that the group hadn’t taken long to completely fall apart after he’d momentarily departed in Adventure episode 20, but came back together after he’d rallied them. The Adventure kids, coming from rather different social circles and backgrounds, were not originally the type to stay together or be particularly tight with each other by default, and so, during the first half of the series when they still had ways to go in terms of having any kind of meaningful bond with each other, they were unconsciously dependent on the charismatic Taichi to keep them together.

Taichi is a “natural leader” in every sense -- “leader” meaning not only someone who pushes people forward, but also someone who recognizes others’ abilities and is willing to delegate rather than trying to do everything by himself. This was briefly demonstrated in Sora’s Adventure episode 16 flashback when she remembers that Taichi willingly gave up the opportunity for a goal when he understood she could do it better (it’s reflected in his soccer position, too), but also here in Adventure episode 28, he gives the task of solving the card puzzle to Koushirou because he (correctly) determines that Koushirou, not himself, is best equipped to do the job. Also note that the episode makes clear that everyone agrees to it specifically because Taichi appointed him to the position -- much like how “understanding everyone’s abilities and delegating properly” is an important and necessary skill for a leader, everyone trusts Taichi to make that decision, and therefore trusts in Koushirou because he was appointed by said well-informed decision.

So those are the good things about him. What about the drawbacks?

The first is that Taichi is, unfortunately, a little emotionally insensitive. He doesn’t mean badly, of course -- you can’t deny that his penchant for teasing or trolling people makes him quite a fun person to be around -- but he tends to lack a bit of emotional insight and is prone to crossing the line with his remarks. Again, this is a symptom of him being too chill about things at times; he tends to react with “what’s the big deal?!” -- a statement that one should absolutely not say when arguing with someone, and which tends to get Taichi in hot water, especially with Yamato.

While the trope of “the shounen hero and the cool rival often having friction” is quite common in anime like this, Adventure’s play on it is actually quite different from how it would usually be played elsewhere. In most other shounen anime, this kind of relationship would have to do with something like the hot-blooded protagonist wanting to charge in and the cool-headed person wanting to be more “rational” about it, but in Adventure, Taichi and Yamato are pit against each other due to reasons that have to do with emotions. Yamato, contrary to what his character archetype might suggest, is someone who’s openly passionate and emotional, and is also someone who goes out of his way to care about others and their welfare -- so he often gets into fights with Taichi because he perceives Taichi to be insensitive and not putting sufficient thought into the others.

Yamato’s reactions are certainly extreme -- Adventure episodes 9 very clearly depicts him as the one losing control of his emotions and escalating the argument with Taichi to a full-on fight, whereas Taichi wanted him to calm down -- but he’s not fundamentally wrong in that this is an aspect Taichi needs to improve about, because it is true that Taichi tends to take the first suggestion of “what’ll get something done” that pops into his head, but also has a problem of vastly underestimating how dangerous things might be.

Again -- and this is very important to stress -- it’s not that he doesn’t care about others, and it’s not that he’s unaware of the dangers around him or the potential for repercussions! As Sora says in Adventure episode 16, he is conscientious of his surroundings and aware of potential risks. He has always put thought into his actions, and he doesn’t just charge into things with no rhyme or reason. He just has an abysmally poor sense of judgment, because he’s so naturally chill that he thinks “it’ll be fine, don’t worry!” -- and thus starts stubbornly locking down on what he wants to do because he’s so sure it’ll be fine and that everyone (usually Yamato) is overreacting.

If you want a specific example about Taichi’s tendency to misjudge: in Adventure episode 9, Taichi and Yamato get in a fight when Yamato perceives Taichi as too insensitive about Takeru’s potential welfare, which weirds Taichi out because Yamato’s being awfully overprotective. On its face, it might seem hypocritical because we later find out in Adventure episode 48 that Taichi is just as overprotective of his own sister, but it’s important to note that in the relevant episode, Taichi states that he has to go out of his way because Hikari continually fails to vocalize whenever she’s hurt or in pain. This implies that Taichi sees Takeru as someone who’s clearly capable of taking care of himself because he expresses himself better (and thus, Taichi doesn’t understand why Yamato has to go out of his way for him). Indeed, Takeru ends up latching onto Taichi because he sees him as treating him with the independence that Yamato won’t -- but Takeru has his own very deep-seated emotional issues that he just happens to be very good at hiding, and while Taichi is certainly always looking out for Takeru, he never seemed to have become aware of this problem.

This difficulty in judgment leads into a certain pattern of behavior that Taichi exhibits that only comes up in very specific situations, but is so consistently depicted that it’s basically an inherent trait of his: what I call the “Yagami Taichi stress response”.

Taichi is the kind of selfless person who prioritizes others’ welfare over himself, and there are times when it will often fall into almost self-destructive levels. (This is a trait he actually shares with his sister, although the two of them naturally deal with it in very different ways.) His first priority is “helping everyone”, and especially “helping anyone who’s in trouble” (especially when it’s happening right in front of him). Which means that whenever he feels that others are depending on him for something, he ends up often taking too much responsibility for everyone’s welfare, and starts cracking under the pressure.

Because Taichi is the kind of person who prioritizes “action first” and figuring things out as they go along, this means that his reaction to stress is basically becoming a completely unfocused mess. Or, in other words, he lets the thought of but we have to do something!! completely consume his head, methodology be damned, and he starts panicking and doing everything in every which way to get it done, to the point he starts lashing out at others or becoming an emotional wreck because of the stress. The first time we see this is Adventure episode 16, where, being the only one with a working Crest and feeling that he and Agumon have the responsibility of protecting everyone, starts pushing himself and Agumon to carry everyone’s burdens, resulting in everything going wrong and the dark evolution to SkullGreymon at the end of the episode.

Again: It’s important to remember that, even at his “worst”, Taichi’s main priority is helping and protecting others, which means that his way of responding to that stress is basically determining that he’ll take all of the responsibility onto himself. That involves things like forcing himself to “work harder for everyone’s sake”, or becoming dangerously self-sacrificial, or at least allowing himself to become an emotional wreck because as much as he knows better, his one strongest thought is always we have to do something!!

Taichi exhibits more of this behavior in Adventure episodes 48 and 49, to the point he gets unusually aggressive with Koushirou (which is also explicitly pointed out as him not acting like his usual self) once he starts panicking about Hikari’s welfare. Again, note that all of this stems from we have to do something!! -- he basically starts panicking because despite Koushirou clearly doing the best he can, once things start going south, it’s just not enough.

So, speaking of things going south: because Taichi often misjudges situations, whenever things go wrong, he takes it badly. This is someone whose first course of action is to “act first and work it out as we go along,” but the number one thing he can’t stand is seeing other people get hurt, and so when other people do get hurt because of the consequences, Taichi shuts down -- for instance, when he learns that his ploy to attempt to get Greymon to evolve ended up hurting Koromon and everyone around him in Adventure episodes 16-17, and when his taking the Digital World too lightly (taking Koushirou’s explanation of it being “like a game world” at too much face value) ends up getting Sora in trouble and his own life in danger.

Which leads to a certain degree of irony: Taichi’s behavior isn’t normally out of solely recklessness -- mainly really poor judgment and a tendency to underestimate things -- but when he does slip up and start having to deal with consequences, he does become reckless. But because this recklessness is out of a desire to “not let anyone else get hurt”, it results in him being reckless specifically with his own welfare -- he’s the kind of person who “takes too much responsibility onto himself”, and his way of responding to the issues of “someone might get hurt” and “but we have to do something!!” means that he, by default, responds to everything with “okay, then I’ll be the one who gets hurt!” Or in other words, his solution to preventing other casualties while still doing something to help others involves becoming dangerously self-sacrificial. Because in the end, Taichi is the kind of person who hates seeing people being in trouble or hurt in front of him, and his instinct is to always protect people, no matter what.

But, again: Taichi’s way of “action first” is not a fundamentally bad thing -- remember, Adventure episode 21 established very well that this trait of his is very good for bringing him out of his biggest bouts of hesitation, because he has a very practical understanding of the need to fight in order to prevent more casualties. This is especially because the final arc of Adventure deals heavily with the concept of ��collateral damage”, or the question of how to handle fighting to save people, when people are inevitably hurt (or, in this case, dying) in the process.

Yamato accuses Taichi in Adventure episode 43 of not being conscientious enough about the friends they’ve lost in the process, but once Yamato succumbs to his resentment and personal beefs and starts selfishly picking a fight with Taichi in Adventure episode 44-45, Taichi indicates that he is keeping his fallen friends in mind -- it’s just that, to him, not continuing the fight is an insult to everything they’d died for (especially because, indeed, more people will get hurt if they don’t do something).

And, ultimately, in Adventure episode 50, Taichi does conclude that Yamato, Jou, and Mimi are right about one thing: while he’s always been right about them needing to do something, they do at least need to be careful about how they go about it so that they don’t incur more sacrifices along the way. Fortunately, Taichi is a soccer captain and perfectly capable of quickly coming up with a suitable plan on the fly (he even cites it in this episode, and in fact had already demonstrated an ability to come up with tactics when necessary back in Adventure episode 20) -- it’s not that he’s never been able to do flexible thinking, it’s just that his natural tendency to be “too chill’ about things and overestimate the efficacy of the first thing that popped into his head was something he needed to learn to think through a little harder.

And so, the final episodes of Adventure indicate him finally starting to tap into his capacity for that -- thus truly becoming the definition of the Adventure group’s “leader”.

Taichi after Adventure

We learn in Our War Game! that Taichi still has a bit of a way to go in terms of the “emotional sensitivity” part, most notably when Taichi starts getting defensive when he accidentally disrupts the computer connection, and Koushirou (most likely correctly) pinpoints this insensitivity as the likely reason he and Sora got into a nasty fight prior to the events of the movie. In fact, while Taichi already clearly had some shades of this in Adventure, when his “teasing” of others or stepping over their boundaries could sometimes go a little too far, it’s especially indicated here that Taichi is very, very bad at dispute resolution, because he keeps trying to deflect blame for his own actions and indirectly accuses Sora of being the irrational one in regards to their argument. (Again, for anyone entangled in a dispute with a friend: “dismissing the other person’s feelings” and going for the ad hominem, instead of at the very least acknowledging them in the process of making your point, is the number one worst way to handle this.)

Of course, Taichi wouldn’t have gotten this far if he didn’t have the natural charisma to compensate -- again, he’s fundamentally someone who cares about other people and attends to them. But, unfortunately, he’s still bad at knowing how to deal with other people’s emotions and learning to deal with them with proper empathy...

...So, in fact, it’s striking that the Taichi we initially meet in 02 is someone who, most of the time, seems to come off as very mature and put-together. The fact that he so willingly turned over his goggles to Daisuke at the beginning of the episode is a really huge deal, frankly -- even if you don’t subscribe to the theory that there’s any major sentimental backstory to it a la V-Tamer, that’s still an item he’s kept on him since he was a tiny child and clearly must have a huge amount of attachment to, yet he immediately handed it over to Daisuke the moment he felt Daisuke was worthy of it.

It’s actually quite a bit of a swerve for those of us used to the more “playful” Taichi who sometimes took things way too lightly, but it’s also important to realize that this is the Taichi that Daisuke and his friends see. This is especially in light of the fact that Daisuke starts off the series with a very severe inability to be assertive, so Taichi, who’s always been naturally assertive from the get-go (almost too much sometimes), is everything he is not, and therefore admires.

Taichi is still Taichi, which means that he’s still subject to the Yagami Taichi stress response, and he gets very close to blowing up angrily at the others when they show up late. But unlike how he had a whole train of being rather out of control when emotionally compromised in Adventure episodes 48-49, he gets himself together fairly quickly and admits that he also didn’t want to force everyone to come if they didn’t want to (to the point where he had even thought about going alone with Hikari in the worst-case scenario -- again, note the tendency for self-sacrifice and putting responsibility on himself).

We also see him about to lapse into it again at the end of the episode, when he freezes up because he’s not sure about what to do in regards to the potential of hurting Agumon in the process of getting him back -- but Yamato manages to get him back on his feet, rather literally, and with a punch to the face.

This punch tends to be really often misinterpreted as if violence is just a fact of life when it comes to Taichi and Yamato, but it is very, very important to understand the context behind this scene and how it differs from the two’s relationship in Adventure. Whenever the two fought back in Adventure, it would be a very vicious argument with the two genuinely angry at each other, and with Yamato accusing Taichi of being insensitive and thus becoming hostile and resentful towards him. In this scene, however, Yamato has become conscientious of Taichi’s own feelings and reasons for hesitating. This is evidenced by the fact he only does a single punch and holds out his hand to Taichi right after -- said punch was strictly meant as one meant to snap him back to reality, and Yamato holds out that hand knowing that Taichi will not take it as anger or resentment, but rather “I did this because you needed something to get you back into focus, I know you also know this and won’t take it as an insult, and I understand your feelings and want to help you.”

It’s important in establishing the level of deep trust Taichi and Yamato have where they understand each other’s positions now without fighting over it -- the two of them even point out in the next episode that the reason they can get away with this is because of how much worse they used to go through before, but now, the two of them treat each other with mutual sympathy, understanding, and support, and devoid of condescension whatsoever. And because of that, Taichi is able to “snap out” of his hesitation much more quickly than he would three years prior, because now he has Yamato’s emotional support, and Yamato even frames the situation in a way the “we have to do something!!” Taichi would understand: if they don’t do something, Agumon will continue to be the Kaiser’s slave destroying everything that he himself would never want to see destroyed, and even if they end up accidentally losing him in the process, it would arguably be a bigger mercy to him than it would to let him continue in this state. It’s all very practical reasoning that works best with Taichi’s way of thinking, and because of that, they’re able to push forward into the events of the next episode.

But just because he’s become more mature doesn’t mean he’s lost his characteristic charisma or ability to be playful or a tease -- after all, Taichi has always had a penchant for a bit of a smug personality, sometimes even bordering on the petulant. This especially comes out when he’s with Agumon, but, really, Taichi is a person who really likes fun.

On another interesting note, however, Taichi sends Sora off in 02 episode 38 when he’s very heavily implied to have caught on that Sora is about to confess to Yamato, and pushes her on without giving her grief for it. Regardless of whether you subscribe to the theory that Taichi has his own unresolved feelings in the situation, the important part is that he understood that this was a grave enough situation for Sora that this did not merit teasing her or insensitively poking into her feelings on it -- in other words, it’s a huge contrast to Adventure episode 26 when he was clearly at a loss on how to deal with her when she was emotionally compromised, and Agumon and Gabumon commented that he wasn’t as mature as Yamato in dealing with this.

But now, Taichi is much more capable of showing actual empathy for others and understanding when it’s the time to hold back on the teasing or potential insensitivity, and for that, Agumon compliments him on the same maturity he’d failed to express three years prior.

By the time we get to Kizuna, the fact that Taichi is one of the lead protagonists is for obvious meta reasons (he’s the protagonist of Adventure, after all), but it also makes sense that a movie centered around the millennial existential crisis -- and, specifically, the issue of career uncertainty -- would have him as a major player in it. Remembering that Taichi is fundamentally the kind of person who operates as “act first, deal with it later,” it makes perfect sense that the terrifying pressure of dealing with something as vague and uncertain as career pressure would be something that Taichi would continually put off. Again, Taichi is a very practical-minded person who usually works best with things that are clearly happening in front of him, so “wide-ranging” things are things he plays badly with.

Despite Taichi being very clearly depicted as “out of it” for this movie, at the very least, certain fundamental personality traits of his haven’t gone away -- for one, he’s still one of the most expressive characters in the movie (to the point many a fan has commented on his jackpot of facial expressions) in terms of petulance, sometimes getting a little defensive, and driving poor Koushirou a little nuts with his tendency to be reckless with electronics. He also gets a bit cocky during the battle with Eosmon, which, again, tracks with his tendency to do that every so often (and to be fair to him, everyone was guilty of severely underestimating Eosmon at the time, so it’s not like this was a major miscalculation on Taichi’s part).

Moreover, much like in 02, Taichi and Yamato are understanding of each other’s feelings to the extent that Yamato is the first person Taichi calls to dump his feelings about his existential crisis over. Even though they’re still prone to some mild bickering at the beginning of the movie, they immediately go back on high-fiving terms right after, so it’s a very far cry from the time back in Adventure when Yamato would look down on Taichi for being insensitive.

But here, we have this one line that basically represents the source of all of the problems Taichi ends up going through in this movie, including the reason for his loss of Agumon: Taichi is trying to “force” himself to become an independent person, and in the process is pushing Agumon away, and, on a more metaphorical level, his own self.

Taichi moved out of his parents’ house under the pretense of not burdening his family, but Hikari’s comment about their mother wanting him to drop by indicates that it’s not likely they necessarily wanted him to move out -- and despite that, Taichi is miserable in his daily routine of walking back and forth from school and working at a part-time job and eating convenience store food. He’s clearly lonely, yet he won’t allow Agumon into his room (it’s stated that his visit midway into the movie is his first time here). He keeps his old goggles and Digivice, yet he shuts it in a drawer and only opens the drawer to stare at it from time to time, and when Agumon finally does visit and finds his AVs, Taichi freaks out and pins it as an “adult thing” before he finds himself in the awkward situation of basically gatekeeping his own partner with a societal standard he doesn’t even understand.

I should point out that the AVs are not strictly porn, if you want to be really technical about it; it’s “gravure” videos, involving a cosplayer dressing up in sexy/high-exposure outfits and striking suggestive poses, but it’s not actually explicit porn. Moreover, a toned-down version of this scene exists in the Shueisha Mirai version of the novel, where the issue is not about AVs but rather the fact that Taichi only has alcohol in his fridge -- absolutely nothing non-alcoholic, despite how impractical this is -- because “[he’s] an adult, after all.” So the point of this scene is that Taichi’s being performative, or in other words trying to do Adult Things because That’s What Adults Do. And since a Digimon partner is representative of the inner self, and especially established in 02 to have relevance to one’s “less dignified and more childish dreams”, Taichi looking down on Agumon, i.e. looking down on himself, becomes the reason why he ends up losing him at the end of this movie.

As things get worse for Taichi and the crisis escalates, we actually get another glimpse of the Yagami Taichi stress response -- Yamato confronts him on whether he’s okay with going in to save all of the Eosmon victims despite knowing what’ll happen to their partners. Taichi, frantically (Hanae Natsuki’s voice acting really sells it here), has an emotional outburst and professes that, no, of course he’s not, but, again: they have to do something!! Because in the end, Taichi is a selfless person who understands that bad things are happening to people now, and the important thing is saving them now and dealing with the consequences once that’s done with, and even Yamato admits that, as much as he hates it, this is the correct answer.

Taichi does, unfortunately, lose Agumon at the end of the movie, but there are multiple indications he’s already on his way to getting him back, given that Taichi’s starting to address all of the problems he was neck deep in at the start of the movie. In the middle of the movie, after having shut his goggles in the drawer all of this time and only pulling it out whenever he was depressed, he decides to embrace the courage they initially symbolized and puts them back on his neck, and when we reach the climax of the movie, he uses Hikari’s old whistle to wake everyone up. This needs to be distinguished from all of the “nostalgia” everyone else had been drowning themselves in by looping themselves eternally in old memories from a desire to never move on from them; symbolically speaking, Taichi’s blowing of the whistle represents acknowledging the important things in your past, and making productive use of them to move onto the future, rather than the unhealthy reactions of either drowning eternally in nostalgia, or performatively shutting everything out about your past in a bid to reach some arbitrary standard of adulthood.

Hence, Taichi’s thesis -- the one he had failed to write at the beginning of the movie -- is only filled out once Taichi embraces that past version of himself, because his thesis summary is about reflection on his past experiences, and making use of those to think about how to apply them to the future.

This is, obviously, intended as a lead-up to the 02 epilogue in which Taichi becomes an ambassador -- or in other words, someone who indeed specializes in “bringing humans and Digimon together” and offering proposals on how they can coexist in the future. Agumon, of course, is an important part of this job (look at his suit and bowtie!), instead of Taichi shutting him out and treating him like someone who doesn’t belong in his adult life.

Of the careers depicted in the epilogue, Taichi’s is the most “furthest-reaching”, since, as a diplomat, he has influence over a pretty huge range of things, which fits with Taichi’s tendency to shoot for some pretty high things -- and, also, conceptually, it works well with what we’ve always known since Adventure to be Taichi’s true specialties as a “leader”: having the charisma and understanding to bring people from different places together, and to lead them all forward.

#digimon #digimon adventure #digimon adventure 02 #digimon adventure last evolution kizuna #kizuna spoilers #yagami taichi #taichi yagami #shihameta

190 notes · View notes

things-we-used-tc-share · 5 years

Text

It was always you

“It was always you, falling for me,

now there’s always time, calling for me,

I’m the light blinking at the end of the road,

blink back to let me know,”

Warnings: Smoking and alcohol ment, tattoos?

Ship: Royality, Background Analogical

Plot: Patton and Roman have been friends for years, best friends, inseparable friends. They’d always been there for each other and always will be.

Written for @romansleftshoulderpad happy PALentines day jr!

“My turn!” Roman declared, a seven-year-old with a cape tied around his shoulders as he brandished a small plastic sword “I wanna fight the bad guys now Pat!” His best friend, tripping over his own feet with a wide grin, points his own sword to the sky.

“I will protect the prince!” The brunet declared “We can fight together,” Mrs Prince, leaning against the wall to the house with a glass of lemonade shakes her head and nudges Mrs Sanders with a smile, the warm smile at watching their children play happily is returned.

“People would think they’re brothers, the way they act,” A small laugh leaves her and she calls “Boys! Dinners ready,” The swords become abandoned on the floor as it becomes a race to eat, the cape around Roman’s neck billowing behind them as he grabs his best friend’s hand and runs.

“I hate school,” eleven-year-old Roman complains to a maths book, before lowering it and nudging Patton “Shall we go to the treehouse?” The treehouse in question was one built in the forest behind Roman’s house. Patton blinks, a mouthful of cookie blocking his response, but Roman waits patiently.

“We should ask your mum first,” He looks down at the maths book “I don’t understand maths, I mean shouldn’t there be more numbers? Why are there letters too?” He lets out a harumph of displeasure before sliding the plate of cookies closer.

Mrs Prince came in to see how they were doing, to be met by two very upset young faces as they glared at the work that was surely well above their grade. “Alright boys you can go to the treehouse, be back before dark! Take your dad’s phone Roman,” The two let out a cheer as they scramble out the door, grabbing Mr Prince’s phone as they go.

The treehouse was their fortitude, it could be a palace or a battleground or a spaceship. Patton digs the cookies out of his pockets, handing one to Roman as they sit on the edge, legs swinging whilst they take in the forest around them.

“I hope we’ll be friends forever Roman,”

“Of course we will Patton!”

“You have paint all over you,” Roman snorts, gesturing to the blue and black paint all up Patton’s arms, the elder simply shrugs, “treehouse?” Patton nods, his portfolio bag swinging by his side as they head towards Roman’s house. “Are you finally going to show me the project you’ve been working on?”

“Maybe,” The shorter replies with a grin “Maybe I’ll never show you!” Roman gives him a light shove through a smile and they walk in silence. Now sixteen and struggling with their work, they'd already chosen the paths they’d wanted. Patton, an artist, if the paint and ink decorating his skin was anything to go by. Roman, an actor, and he was brilliant at it.

They climb the ladder as they’d done for most of their lives and Patton pulls out the sketchbook he’d been so heavily protecting, handing it to Roman and looking down at his feet as they swung. He hears a soft ‘oh’ escape the other before he’s met with Roman’s grin “I’ve never looked this good before,” Patton laughs gently as his attention is drawn back to the sketchbook full of observations of Roman.

“Is that a...cigarette?” seventeen-year-old Roman blinks down at the voice from where his legs are dangling, to the bottom of the ladder to Patton’s shocked expression. “Roman!” He moves back for the elder to scramble up the ladder, blankly watching the end of his cigarette as the smoke drifts from it. He hates that he’d hidden it from Patton in the first place, amongst other things. “Roman, when did you start smoking? Why did you start smoking?”

There’s silence in the static air for a second, punctuated by an inhale and long exhale, like a sigh. “I’m just...not really feeling okay lately, stress I think,”

“So you thought cancer was a good way to remedy that?” He’s half joking, half serious, mostly upset and a little bit angry that Roman would start smoking and then hide it from him. The way the other had been acting lately it seemed there was a lot he was hiding; for once he’d been staring off into space, barely recognizing his own existence more often than not, plastering on smiles that were so fake they could’ve been made from plastic. “Roman, what’s gotten into you lately?”

Alarm shoots through Patton as Roman’s brown eyes met his own pale grey ones, and he sees tears in them. The younger sniffles and wipes his eyes before his body starts to shake with tears like he was afraid. “Patton I...” He chokes and swallows, a hand coming up to his mouth to muffle the sobs before he finally forces out his words “I’m gay,” The other goes very still for a moment and then sighs.

“Oh Roman,” He hugs him, pressing a kiss to his forehead “That’s okay, there’s nothing wrong with that at all,” Roman breaks, sobbing as the cigarette falls down the ladders and his arms wrap around his friend, seeking some comfort for a secret he’d been carrying alone for far too long. “I suppose now is a good of a time as any to tell you I’m gay too,” Patton says gently, rubbing the others back “Have you told your parents yet?” A head shake “Anyone at all?” And another “Roman, how long have you known?”

“A year and a bit, maybe longer I don’t know I just...I was scared, I knew that you wouldn’t mind, and my parents wouldn’t and I’m sure most people know because I’m not...exactly a picture of masculinity but I was still scared,”

“I know Ro, I know, it’s all okay,”

“You always make it okay,”

“This city is...busy,” Patton sighs, sketchbook tucked under his arm as he watches the cars move past him “And the accents are weird,” twenty-one and taking a vacation from his work for ‘inspiration’ the two had traveled to the UK for a little bit of a change of scenery. “But it’s nice, it’s pretty,” The buildings weren’t as tall as those he’d seen in New York, they were a comfortable size. Most of them made out of glass.

“We should go get all our stuff checked into the hotel,” Patton hums in agreement, as they head in the direction that Google Maps said that they should. The busy streets were a little different from what he’s used too, but his heart still fills up with warmth as he takes in the new signs and the cars that drive on the wrong side of the road. The hotel is not particularly large, situated on one of the biggest roads in the city. They check in and take a keycard each before pulling their suitcases into a lift that should surely be bigger.

“Are you happy?” Patton asks, his wide eyes and gentle smile flooding Roman’s heart with something he’d experienced before and was trying desperately to ignore.

“I couldn’t be happier Pat,” The smile that elicits made his heart beat tenfold faster before the elevator doors open and they begin their search for the right room, suitcases making noise against the carpeted floor that makes Patton laugh a little, high off the feeling of a new city. A new country, a new place. He hums as he puts the keycard into the door and pushes it open with his shoulder.

“Oh,” He mutters “Uh Roman?” Roman hums from behind him and then looks over Patton’s shoulder before letting out a small laugh, either there was a God out there and he was playing a cruel joke or Patton forgot to double check that it was two singles and not a double bed. “I must have messed up, I’m sorry,” His face falls but his best friend only squeezed his arm.

“It’s alright Pat, there’s definitely worst ways to be spending my nights, plus we’ve been sleeping in the same bed since we were kids!”

“When we were kids,” The other corrects, but a small smile tugs at his lips. Roman was right, it’s hardly the end of the world.

(By the end of the holiday, he’d be wondering how he’d slept alone for so long)

Patton thought about the holiday for a while after it had ended. Halfway through the week, he’d spent waking up next to Roman he’d hit a realization. He’d gone to the UK to draw the sights and gain a sense of perspective and take pictures of the wonderful landscapes, yet most of the time he’d spent staring at his best friend (Because really, was there anything much prettier than Roman?).

He played it off as though it was a simple aesthetic attraction, Roman was objectively pretty, most people found him attractive. Until he’d woken up with Roman’s arm around his waist and his breath on his neck and thought “this feels like home,” He’d known he was gay for a long time now, and he’d always found Roman to be a center of attraction, but it was a worrying realization to look at your best friend and think you might actually be falling in love with them.

Unbeknownst to him, Roman had been facing this dilemma for a couple of years now, and the best solution would be just to tell him. But it wouldn’t be much of a story if it was that simple, would it?

Aged twenty-two, the two of them decide that life together is more fun, and get a flat together, along with two other students that they haven’t actually met yet.

“Absolutely not happening,” Somewhere between twenty-two and twenty-five the two had made friends with their drastically different roommates. Logan, a brilliantly minded biochemistry student with a penchant for, despite being extremely clever, enjoying ruining everyone’s fun. Specifically Roman’s.

“Please Logan,” Roman whines, like a child instead of a full-grown adult. He sighs “Fine? Patton!” The art student looks up from the collection of paper strewn all over the floor, his hair rather messy. “Will you do it?” He’s not really sure what he’s agreeing too and looks like he hasn’t slept in days before nodding. “Great, Patton will be my fake date,” Patton goes bright red and stares hard at the piece of paper in his hands.

“More like a real date,” Their other friend, Virgil, a pessimist and not one for biting his tongue, mutters through a smirk. The hard glares he catches off both Patton and Roman makes him chuckle before his attention turns to his phone “It’s true,” Logan exchanges a small smile with his friend behind the two would-be-lovers back and receives a quiet eyeroll from Virgil. “One day they’ll figure it out,”

Roman’s had many boyfriends, he’s had so many boyfriends that he almost didn’t notice that Patton had never really been in a relationship; there was an attempt between him and Logan which lasted around month before they decided that it didn’t felt right, but he’d really not noticed that Patton had never had a long term relationship.

He feels bad because he liked all those men, but he’d never stopped looking at Patton and thinking that he was his entire life. Now twenty-five and accepted that he was never going to fall out of love with his best friend. Anyone that witnessed them would tell them that they rather had to be emotionally blind, so to speak, to not notice the way they hang off each other’s words. The only thing different between these two being in a loving relationship and a loving friendship were that they called it a “Friendship,”

In hindsight, Roman had wished Logan had said yes when he’d asked him to accompany him as his fake date because he could pretend to be in love like nobodies business, and Logan knows that he has no desire to ever be romantically involved with him; he wasn’t sure how to pretend to not be in love, you would think he’d have mastered it by now.

He was terrified Patton would catch on and from the second he saw him dressed in his blue suit, hair swept back from his eyes he worried he himself would not be able to conceal it. Interestingly enough, Patton was thinking the exact same thing.

“You look nice Pat,” The younger manages out as if he’s being suffocated by his own words, stiffly and choking with a hard look in his eyes. “Really nice,”

“Thanks, Roman,” Patton noticed, but he didn’t want to mention it. “You look handsome as always,” He smiles and takes the offered arm as they walk towards the Taxi together. Behind them and waving them off Logan shook his head and Virgil is trying to stifle laughs, leaning against his friend’s shoulder as the two walk off.

“I think we should start placing bets,” Virgil mutters and Logan tries to hide the smile on his face.

“Uh,” Virgil blinked down at the couch with confusion on his face before he slowly walks back up the stairs and into Logan’s room “Logan, Logan,” He whispers, tapping the other awake “You’ll never guess!” Logan lets out a soft groan before following Virgil’s gesturing hands “Stay quiet,” His eyebrows furrow as he tries to comb his hair with his hands into something somewhat acceptable. When he reaches the living room and follows the hand that is pointing to the couch he peers over his shoulder.

“Are they...?” Virgil shrugs.

Roman was lying on the couch, his blazer resting on the floor with his tie with the first few buttons of his shirt undone. The TV was playing quietly, barely making a sound. Patton was lying on Roman, his head on his chest and his arms at the other’s side with a content smile on his lips. “That is...undeniably adorable,”

“They have to talk about it now surely,” Virgil mutters with a sigh before creeping past into the kitchen “WHo knows how long this was going on before we met them like I’m not going crazy right?” Logan fishes out the cereal from the cupboard with a hum. “Patton told me how he feels about Roman,” He finally admits (Patton had been worried extensively about being the fake date to his best friend whom he was in love with, and the existing pressure of his work had lead to one big explosion of emotion, in which Virgil had made him a cup of tea and reassured him).

“Interesting, because Roman confided in me about his feelings for Patton,

They eat in silence (Distantly, Logan wonders how Virgil manages to notice other people’s feelings but not when the affections are directed at himself).

“You got a...tattoo?” Roman blinks at Patton, whose holding out his arm, wrapped in cling film. The blues and reds and browns make up that of a bird, bright and vibrant watercolors that were very Patton. “It suits you, I love it, did you design it yourself?” Patton nods and lets his arm fall by his side.

“He designed mine too,” Virgil, a minute behind him, chucks his bag on the floor. Roman’s not sure if he’s ever even seen Virgil’s arms before as he pulls his hoodie sleeve up. It was a blackbird, with purple splashes of watercolor, also very Virgil. “Honestly Pat you should go into tattoo design,” Patton only laughs, Roman tries to ignore the slight sinking feeling that Virgil ha known and he hadn’t. Then reminds himself that Patton has every right to go and do what he wishes, with or without informing himself.

“Hey Pat?” Virgil moves past them to go and find Logan and show him his new design “I’m going back home in a couple days, just for a week, I was wondering if you’d like to come? See my parents and yours of course,”

“Yeah I’d love too Roman,” Patton smiles in all his warmth, Roman is tired of simple motions making him feel as though his heart is breaking.

“I can’t believe it’s still here,” The two sit in their treehouse, a bottle of wine between them as Roman lights a cigarette “And I still can’t believe your smoking,”

“For old times sake,” Roman shrugs and leans back against the wall, taking a swig from the bottle. He inhaled and exhaled before looking up at the stars. “I think Logan would like it here,” He mutters “The stars are so clear,” The brunet nods but the only star he’s really looking at-and has ever been looking, at-is Roman. The smoke curls from his lips and drifts into the air and he looks so sad. “Patton I can’t do this anymore,” It’s like deja vu, Roman, smoking a cigarette and tearing up except now there’s a bottle of wine and the fact that he feels like he could lose his best friend (He really should know Patton better than that).

“What’s wrong?” The cigarette gets flicked to the ground and the elder can see the tears being fought out of soft brown eyes, he can suddenly see everything that Roman’s being trying to hide and his heart almost stops beating.

“I love you,” First there’s confusion on Patton’s face, well, of course, Roman loves him they’d always loved each other, why would he look so scared over...oh. Oh. Patton throws his arms around his best friend with no other conscious thought than to comfort him, holding him as close as possible.

“I love you too,” Patton’s voice chokes on his words as he feels the tears well, it had been so, so long now, years of tossing and turning the matter in his brain repeatedly. He wondered had it been the same for Roman, by the way, his shoulders shook he thought it might be. They sit like this for a while, holding onto each other, Patton shifting into Roman’s lap so they could hold on more comfortable. “After all this time,”

“How long?”

“About...five years, and for you?”

“Nearly ten,” All this time, he’d never brought it up, never mentioned it, had he told anyone? Had he simply bore the burden alone? Patton had so many questions and not enough time to have them all answered, not right now anyway. His only response was to shake his head, his fingertips tracing patterns into Roman’s cheekbones carefully, delicately, like he may break any second.

They just stare at the tear stains through the darkness, exploring the expressions that convey both relief and heartbreak simultaneously. They’d been keeping a secret from each other for far too long, and that’s not what should’ve happened, both carrying their own guilt that the other felt he could not come and approach the topic.

Without enough words to say what they’re feeling, Patton simply kisses him, his hands cupping his best friend’s chin like he was holding the world between the palms of his hands. Roman’s hands slide up the other’s back and gripped the back of his jacket like he’s terrified the other might disappear right in front of them.

Finally.

There are few surprises left for the two by the end of the trip away, one of them, however, did not include finding Virgil and Logan kissing rather feverishly on the couch. “Really?” Roman snorts, “Like we’re gone for a week so you guys decide to desecrate every conceivable surface in the house?” Logan at least, had the conscience to look embarrassed.

“Well, at least I don’t have to watch you two pining for each other anymore,” Patton hums, and Virgil gives him a look that says ‘you have got to be kidding me’ whilst Logan’s expression seems to be more along the lines of ‘you two are one to talk,’ but they silently acknowledge the two hands that are holding each other.

“We’ve not had a movie night in a while,” Virgil comments as he moves towards the kitchen “Think you two lovebirds will be up to it?” Patton’s cheeks go very red whilst Roman doesn’t look remotely perturbed “Can’t hide anything from me, my dudes, now you order the Pizza, I’ll see what’s on Netflix,”

The four settle into their own routine, feeling content as Patton reaches for the phone to order pizza and Virgil returns with a glass of juice to scroll through the shows available. They exchange little glances with their partners, small smiles of happiness.

#sanders sides #royality

84 notes · View notes

infpisme · 7 years

Text

YOU’RE NOT RESPONSIBLE FOR OTHER PEOPLE’S FEELINGS

Years ago I worked for a startup on a tight budget, with ten of us working out of an extremely cramped office. The woman who sat next to me wore a strong perfume that reminded me of the candle store in the mall. Usually by mid morning I had the beginnings of a throbbing headache, and by the end of the afternoon I was downright nauseous.

At this point in my life I hadn’t yet discovered that I was an introvert, or a highly sensitive person (HSP), or an INFJ personality type. I just knew that I did not mix well with strong smells, loud noises, or crowded places. I was prone to headaches and anxiety and something as simple as a strobe light could set me off.

So, even though this woman’s perfume seemed like such a small thing, it was actually wreaking havoc on my daily life.

Thankfully another one of my coworkers had become a close friend. She was very similar to me—intuitive, people-oriented, and sensitive—and I later found out she was an ENFJ. When I told her about the perfume lady, she said simply, “Why don’t you ask her not to wear that perfume to work anymore? Tell her it bothers you.”

I was stunned, and speechless. That was allowed? I could ask other people to modify something because it was causing me a problem? Rationally, I understood this concept. But emotionally, it felt like my entire world had shifted.

Why It’s Hard for Sensitive Introverts to Speak Up

I am not the first HSP introvert to struggle with this issue, and I definitely won’t be the last. Speaking up for ourselves is not only hard to do, but it tends to bring up a ton of emotional baggage from the past. Most of us have felt for our entire lives that our personal needs are weird and inconvenient to others. We need more space than other people. We need more time. We need more complexity, and more depth. Because other people are often confused by these needs, or can even feel rejected in some way, we learn as children to compromise on them constantly. So, instead of figuring out how to negotiate with others for what we need, we withdraw further into our inner world, attempting to meet all of our needs there, totally on our own.

This works about half the time. The other half we end up feeling resentful, unheard, isolated, and powerless.

So, as highly sensitive people, we have two choices. We can step into our power and be uncomfortable now, in the present moment, by speaking up for what we need. Or we can choose powerlessness and guarantee that we’ll still feel uncomfortable—and probably angry and bitter—in the future, by suppressing our needs and keeping our mouths shut.

Many HSPs and introverts struggle with people-pleasing tendencies and a penchant for codependency. We really, really want to make sure that everyone in our environment is happy, especially with us. But this is a fight we’ll never win. We simply cannot be in charge of everyone else’s emotions. Nor should we be. That’s what this whole “free will” deal is about. Everyone gets to choose their own adventure here. In order to truly honor someone else it’s essential to step back and let them have their own choices and their own reactions.

If people-pleasing has always been an issue for you, this four-step process can help:

Step 1: Evaluate Your Needs

Does the thing you need encroach on the rights of anyone else? Is it harmful to other people? If you’re not invading anyone else’s space or being disrespectful of someone else’s boundaries, it’s safe to say that you are justified in asking that your needs be respected. Use common sense here as well. Sure, your coworker might argue that listening to dance music at top volume is his inalienable right, but most sensible people would agree that his argument doesn’t hold water.

The Takeaway

If you’re able to speak up for what you need and still be respectful of others, then do it. It’s not your responsibility to set boundaries for other people, only for yourself.

Step 2: Use Your Preferred Mode of Communication

Most introverts and HSPs have the misguided idea that we should push ourselves to have face-to-face confrontations with people, when there is nothing that makes us feel more like we want to crawl under a rock. But there is a solution. I hereby give you permission, from this day forward, to communicate your needs through the written word, whenever and to whomever you want, without feeling guilty about it. So send that email. Write that letter and leave it in your neighbor’s mailbox. As long as you state your needs as honestly and respectfully as possible, it’s all good.

The Takeaway

Many introverts communicate much more effectively in writing. Use that to your advantage.

Step 3: Maintain Your Boundaries

Even after you’ve identified what you need and found the courage to ask for it, sometimes the other party will still try to push your buttons (by being consciously manipulative) or forget your previous requests (by being unconsciously oblivious). So, sometimes, you have to go through the whole process again. The upside is that every time you go through it, you get more practice on how to take back your power.

The Takeaway

Asking once might not be enough. If you have to repeat yourself, that’s okay. Think of it as a practice.

Step 4: Hold Responsibility Only for Yourself

When you’re evaluating your needs, you might be tempted to push them aside so that your coworker can go on enjoying his crazy loud dance music every morning. When asking for your needs, you might try to soothe someone else’s defensive reactions. When maintaining a boundary, you might give in when someone tries to tear down your fence because they’ve always been allowed into your garden before, and now they don’t like feeling left out. The reactions of other people are not your responsibility. They never have been and they never will be.

The Takeaway

You are responsible for your stuff and everyone else is responsible for theirs. You’re not helping anyone by trying to manage the emotions of other people.

Speaking up for your needs is not easy. But if you are truly committed to living your best life, it must be done. And the more you do it, the more you’ll be able to readily identify what’s yours, what belongs to other people, and how to draw the line between the two. You’ll come to a place where you step into your own power consistently, with passion and purpose.

And when you look into the mirror, you’ll respect the person looking back at you, because you’ll know that person speaks up for herself!

BY LAUREN SAPALA

#hsp #empath #hsp things #empath advice #hsp advice #hsp personality #infp #infp things #infp personality #infp advice #empath things #highly sensitive person #introvert things

137 notes · View notes