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fanficsforpogchamps · 4 years

Note

The SDC bois with a reader who tries to bite at them whenever they get too close for their comfort, not caring if the have a so called 'stand'

Headcanon! Touchy-Feely

Warnings: None except a few naughty words 👀 enjoy!

My Jotakak fanfic is coming soon, but keep the requests coming lovely! I’d enjoy writing your scenarios and Headcanons for every good boi out there!

(I hope this is okay! I’ve done both emotionally and physically, like actually physically biting them lmao. It was fun, so Thank you for the first request :)) )

Jotaro Kujo-

;This man is not exactly emotion material, he doesn’t understand them at the best of times, so when he sees you being recluse and lugging behind the group, he shrugs and carries on his merry way.

; he learnt from his old man that you were their translater, but had acquired no stand- and so when you first snap at him using your teeth when he brushed against your arm in a crowded market Star Platinum shot out immediately, expecting a fight. But when no Stand appeared, the larger, more colourful Jotaro was ever so confused.

; your teeth were firmly locked into his fingers as they had been wiping some sweat from your forehead. The beads were trickling down and it bothered the hell out of him, and it was only when you let go did he see that you made a sizeable mark on his middle and fore finger.

; “you annoying bitch,” Jotaro had growled, itching at the marks left by your teeth, and you slinked away back to Avdols shadow where you resided for the rest of the trip... until they tried to get you to stay behind when they found DIOs mansion.

; “you don’t have the powers we do, you need to stay behind and live, if not for us,” Avdol tried reasoning, but your stubbornness is why earned you your title as a Stardust Crusader. But when the man, the myth, the legend, Jotaro Kujo has started to approach you, there was an internal battle. Even after a few feet he was already waaaay beyond your comfort zone. “Do as they say, and just stay behind. DIO will most likely kill you if you go in without our powers,”

; die? You will? You had bared your teeth at him before spitting out a harsh “fine,” and turned away from the group. “I know I don’t have a Stand... whatever they are. But you all better come back to me alive,”

Kakyoin Noriaki-

; Kakyoin was a very naturally comfortable person to be around, I mean hell, even Jotaro was happy when he had returned from hospital (but that’s further on-)

So when your teeth managed to snag at Kakyoins expensive school jacket on the Strength boat, he was a little more than surprised to say the least.

; he physically recoiled, before shaking his head and gently prying off your teeth. “Now now (Y/N),” he chuckled nervously, before managing to get the fabric from your teeth without damaging it. “No need to act like a dog now do we?”

;you had nearly died in that damned boat and was now out at sea again, having to deal with the infuriating closeness of everyone- but it seemed there was already a gap between both your sides as they all favoured to huddle further up the raft.

; “we don’t want your teeth in our clothes! I paid a lot for these!” Joseph cried out accusingly, finger shoved in your face to signify that there was distrust with you. That... hurt. Despite your emotional turmoil previously with them it still hurt when the man jabbed a finger your way. “Shut the fuck up old man before I shove your head under the water,” you snapped, arms crossed over your chest.

; That seemed to have shut Joseph up, as he cowered away, before Kakyoin started laughing. That was amazing! He knew there was something special about you. “Ahhh don’t mind him (Y/N), he gets paranoid,” Noriaki tired to inform you, managing to brighten up the mood from the older Joestar bringing it down a notch. “He needs to watch where he’s pointing that finger, or he will have to add another mechanical limb to the list,”

; it made Kakyoin smile, seeing as you full well meant every word you spoke and clearly Joseph was using your temper against you. Kakyoin shifted in his seat before sliding across to sit closer to you, and nudging your shoulder with his own.

; too close too close too close- is all you thought of as The red headed Japanese school student slid closer and closer to you. Despite the size of the raft you had been comfortable with no one being near you, but now that he was closer you felt your heart stop.

;”Don’t take no offence. He’ll learn his lesson soon enough,”

Jean-Pierre Polnareff-

;when you had stepped off the plane with Iggy, the man thought you was the most gorgeous thing in the world, so when his flirtatious advances caused him to nearly jump out of the desert buggy- he was shocked.

; The Frenchman swore out in french, gesturing vividly for dear life as he had come to realise maybe.. maybe you weren’t as nice as you were portrayed to be? Maybe he should stay away?

; Blast it all to hell! Polnareff thought as he continued to fling flirty-esq comments your way. The travel was hot, and on you lap was Iggy- the animal which had processed to rip out a lot of his silver locks which were gorgeously prepared this morning. He scowled, before turning up his nose and giving up for a while.

; if it hadn’t been for you baring your teeth and snapping the words “dirty bastard” at him, he wouldn’t have stopped the flirting behaviour, but something about the way you flared up at him made him believe you were a full blown Stand user. Because god knows that only stand users would be that aggressive.

;but when he found out you was just another normal person; unable to grasp the thoughts or view his glorious Silver Chariot his heart sunk. So you was just another heartless tease then. He nearly cried at the idea of someone as beautiful as you being a dastardly tease, set to destroy him.

;The buggy had been overturned, and Polnareff was clutching Kakyoins body. You had reluctantly hopped on top of the car as well, your body pressed against Jeans because of N’Doul. You could see the mental struggle in his eyes. He didn’t want to get too close to you- yet he needed to keep Kakyoin safe. So you opted to helping him, fingers wrapping around the uniform of your cherry loving friend and dragging him just a bit higher up the buggy.

;”I may not have a stand to help,” you choked out, struggling slightly. “And I may not be able to see yours- but I’m going to help right now,”

;from then Polnareff could see you was a determined person, and while you possessed no stand it drove you to help more. You would be useless in the eyes of anyone else- but Jean-Pierre Polnareff could see your worth from the moment you thought of helping them.

Joseph Joestar-

;Joseph knew you weren’t a Stand user from the start, as you hadn’t been able to see Purple Hermit when you met him. You were a translator, and as much as Joseph loved visiting Japan- it hurt him when he tried to order in English and no one could understand him, which is why you were with him.

; you used to be such a good kid, so social and friendly- yet when he met you again it was hard to believe you were the same person. You were snappy and seemingly always grumpy, ready to bite someone’s head off if they spoke wrongly. You nearly gave someone a heart attack at a store because they bumped into you, and the look from your eye caused them to sweat profusely.

; When you met Holly however, your sour mood disappeared almost completely and underneath emerged the soft child you once was, a small smile on your face as you chatted with his daughter.

;He knew holly had that affect on people but on you? He was sure it wouldn’t work yet here you were, small Japanese tea cup in your grasp and a soft laughter to your words.

;The only way he knew you was real was when you were alone with him again, and he decided to open his big mouth and ask about why you was so nice to Holly- when your teeth suddenly bit down on his metal hand which had been waved too close to your face.

;his signature ‘OHHH MY GOOOUDDDD!’ Was raised from his voice as he viewed the missing fingers off his metallic hand. “Don’t be so loud asshole, Kakyoin is still asleep,” you had snapped, before dropping the fingers in his lap and sighing.

; the one time you showed any sort of love or kindness towards him was... well... the airport. Your entire journey led up to this moment, the three people you stood besides were sobbing, and there was a small tear that slipped across your cheek- a moment of weakness that Joseph caught as you all recognised the harrowing details of your journey... it was over-

; “I miss their faces,” you admitted to him, one hand over his metal one for some sort of comfort as you both rested in your plane seats. You felt his thumb graze your knuckles as he held your hand close. You knew he had lost Ceaser, Speedwagon, Lisa Lisa, Erina... and now Avdol and Kakyoin. It must be hard, and you felt sympathy for him, yet never disclosed this to him.

; “I know, so do I,”

Muhammad Avdol-

;his first snippet of your uncomfortable boundaries was when he first met you with Joseph Joestar, watching as you managed to snag the coat arm of the elder JoJo as the coat had smacked your nose softly as his arm raised in greetings.

;He knew from then on to avoid you, or just not to get beyond your boundaries. He was not exactly going to bother you if everyone wanted the best trip. He smiled back at you occasionally to allow you the knowledge that he was there and would respect you.

;you had only snapped at him once, but he expected it. His body appeared to move in front of you at a ghostly pace, almost as if arisen from the dead.

; you had weeped over his body, mourned and sobbed despite your harsh exterior. The tears nearly flooded from your eyes at his sudden appearance, but the anger boiled and bubbled over that sadness you felt.

;”So is there just s reason why I was not told?” You inquired, body remaining frozen as your shoes firmly remained placed in the sand of the beach. “Don’t give me the BULLSHIT you told Polnareff,” there was the snap that made Avdol twitch alway. “Let’s get this DIO shit over with so I can formally beat you all,” your teeth bared at them, before you composed the calm exterior you once had and made your way to the submarine.

;Avdol knew you meant well, the shock must have been fully graced if you admitted to pouring the contents of your heart out when his body had just been moved to an infirmary. A small smile crossed his lips as you passed him, head set forward and confidence leaking from your body as if you had a new ideal.

;”I’ll hold you too that (Y/N),” he smiled, hands now slipping into his sleeves as he followed your path with the rest of the Crusaders.

#noriaki kakyoin #jotaro #jojo shitpost #jojo part 3 #joseph joestar #jp polnareff #oof bois #reader insert #avdol #anime #jojos bizzare adventure #jojo kakyoin #fanfiction #headcanons #jojo headcanons

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ohgodsnowwhat · 7 years

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Fantasy in Metal

Yes; I am posting my first fanfic after my second fanfic. I'm a rebel like that. I have also come to the conclusion that I suck at endings, which may be why I don't always finish what I start. Oh well. Please feel free to offer concrit. I'm not used to writing stuff that isn't one-on-one smut. Thanks to @neko-otaku13 for her encouragment on this!

The light had returned to Lucis – to all of Eos, for that matter. King Noctis and Lady Lunafreya, the Oracle, had passed over into the realm of much-deserved happily-ever-afterlife.

Prompto, Gladio, and Ignis, however….

Look, not even Astrals are perfect. Clerical errors happen.

****

“What do you mean, they’ve been reincarnated into another universe?” thundered Bahamut at the little fennec fox. “For their service, they should have been transported to the same region as King Noctis and Lady Luna!”

“I’m sure they’ll be fine; those guys always manage. Nothing to be too concerned about, but when their time is up here maybe, um, you can take a more personal interest to see that they get to the right place? I was supervising the moogles in charge of reassignment, and with the chocobos on strike there were some issues getting everyone to the office. We are lucky that there aren’t more souls floating around in Limbo!” Carbuncle looked up at the Draconian Astral, gulped nervously and said, “But of course I will supervise their next reassignment myself.”

“If they had been born into their new roles it wouldn’t be so bad,” offered Shiva, “but they have been, well, stuffed into pre-existing personas! This is a DISASTER!”

“At least they will be worshipped as gods in that realm,” put in Ramuh.

Titan sighed and poured himself another whiskey-and-soda.

****

Charles Offdensen pushed up his glasses and massaged the bridge of his nose. He had been going over the band’s financial statements when he was hit with the idea for a new recipe. This was odd because he didn’t cook; Jean-Pierre was more than adequate to fulfill his nutritional needs. “I must be working too hard,” he thought; when he was interrupted by another thought, this one in a more refined tone of voice: “Nonsense! It is a duty and privilege to serve one’s liege! And furthermore… One moment, where am I?”

****

Nathan Explosion was busy, working on the 67th of his hundred beers and putting the final touches on “Go Forth and Die”. Except… those weren’t the words he originally wrote, were they?

Trapped inside a crystal Ten long years Hiding from the world Forgotten by your peers

“Huh,” he growled, “sounds more like the plot of a video game. Well, these beers aren’t gonna drink themselves. New song idea: Self-drinking beer.”

****

Toki Wartooth was in his room, happily working on his model planes when a little voice in his head told him that he should see if there were any new pupper videos. Toki was okay with this, and hummed happily to himself as he flipped on YouTube. After about a half hour, the voice asked about video games, to which Toki replied, “We amsk gots a room full of video games! Is you my new friends in my heads, little voice? Is yous gots a names?” “Well,” the voice answered back, “I’m Prompto, but where am I and how did I get here?” “I don’tsk knows Promptos but let’s go play DDR! Yous is Toki’s friends now!”

****

Pickles noticed that there seemed to be something a little off about his manager and bandmates. Nathan was doing a lot more reading than drinking; although he still churned out songs unnaturally fast, now they were more about crystals, lost kings, and something called “chocobos”. The latter made Toki ecstatic and he would go on for hours about them. This was puzzling as Toki was known to have had an austere and abusive childhood, and whatever these “chocobos” were, Pickles was sure they weren’t native to Norway. Skwisgaar, as self-centered as he was, had mentioned that to Pickles. Sweden was practically Norway anyway, but Pickles knew if he said that, the blond guitar-slinger would retreat to his room for a week to get over his sulk with the assistance of various GMILFs. Normally that wouldn’t bother Offdensen, as he didn’t have to worry about paying for abortions or child support (Skwisgaar was SO. MUCH. CHEAPER in that regard than the rest of the band), but Pickles had noticed that Offdensen was now more prone to lecture the band about personal responsibility, hygiene, and the need to be cost-efficient. Well, he WAS their CFO, but he hadn’t minded before… Were they in financial trouble? Even countries went belly-up from time to time, and Dethklok’s income when ranked beside the GNP of other countries was at a healthy and respectable 7, so maybe…?

Pickles decided then and there to visit Charles Foster Offdensen in his office.

****

Murderface didn’t care. He drank another beer, belched, and scratched his belly over the “Pobody’s Nerfect” tattoo. That had been some night when he got that – too bad, he thought, that he didn’t remember it.

****

“Yo, Robot!” exclaimed Pickles as he burst into Offdensen’s office. “I been meanin’ to talk to you about how you’ve been acting lately and-” He came to a sudden stop as he took in Toki and Nathan already seated across from their manager, heads close together conspiratorially. “What is this? I know something has been going on, but this better not be fucking with our bread and butter here.”

“Ah, yes… Pickles…maybe it is time to explain,” came the odd cultured voice that had been emanating as of late from Offdensen. “From my observations, I believe you would have a better grasp of the situation than, say, Mr. Skwigelf or Mr. Murderface.”

“Yes, that is true,” came the more typical Offdensen voice. “Pickles does have a greater intellect than he lets on, despite the mass quantity of chemical substances he indulges with.”

Pickles was taken a bit aback and tried to recover as best he can. “This better not be some touchy-feely type of intervention, ya douchebags. Because that is so not metal.”

****

“Ignis”, as the cultured voice called itself, launched into an epic tale of kingdoms lost, love lost, Hell even daylight lost; lots of attacks from every angle, deep and mysterious dungeons filled with monsters and demons beyond imagination, and eventual redemption at the price of a blood sacrifice. When it came to drug-induced imaginings, no one – hands down – could come close to Pickles, which is what finally made Pickles realize that he was being told the truth. It also accounted for, he thought, a greater element of story-telling in Nathan’s lyrics recently (although he could do without the gothic romance stuff – so not metal).

The “Gladio” voice that resided in Nathan chimed in… well, more like “contra-bassooned” in - with “It’s not all bad; I think this could be fun for a bit. I’ve always liked writing poetry and I feel I am good at this songwriting. Not entirely sure what you and your resident blondie mean by “metal” but I’m sure I’ll pick it up. And women! And beer! I don’t have to stay sober and celibate all the damn time to watch over everyone else’s dumb asses!”

Toki’s resident “Prompto” piped up, “Yeah! It would be like totally cool to be rock stars! I…” and here the sunshine voice faltered and whispered, “I just wish Noct was here with us.”

The tone was so heartbreaking that even Pickles wanted to comfort Toki, much like Nathan and Offdensen were doing, even though he knew it was really the three specters within his friends that were engaged in a cuddlefest at the moment.

After a while, Pickles grew visibly uncomfortable at the snuggly intimacy before him. He cleared his throat. “Um, hey… so…like… Is there anything we can do to get you back to where you belong?”

Offdensen qua Offdensen shook himself loose from the huddle and said “Well, if Ishnifus were still with us, he would probably be able to help. I am the new High Holy Priest, but not all avenues are open to me yet. Right now, though, the only person who could possibly assist is the one person we are absolutely unable to turn to for help. Nathan, Toki – I am referring to Mr. Salacia. “

“You means the big creepy fella?” asked Toki. “The ones who tried to haves us killed?”

Nathan perked up. “Yeah, that guy is bad news. Probably at least as bad as if not worse than that Ardyn fellow you were telling us about.”

Here is where Pickles felt he could shine. “I have a better idea – Nathan, remember that tribe you are related to in South America? Honey Mangoes or something like that?”

“Yaneemango. Chief Otoe is my grandfather, but yeah, why – Oh. Yopo. That released our spirit animal forms, but – “

Here the “Ignis” voice jumped in. “What? That may be the answer. How can we best achieve this? I have noticed geography is vastly different than what we are used to, but I believe we can make it there from this Mordhaus of yours in a matter of 4 days, including stops for curatives and provisions. Prompto, Gladio, we must confer with our host bodies as it will be them bearing any physical discomfort caused by this experiment.”

Nathan qua Nathan softly growls “Close your eyes and become the animals that you once were… Yeah, I’m down for this. It was cool becoming an alligator. But we have to bring Murderface and Skwisgaar – you too, Pickles.”

“Like I would turn down a chance to be an octopus again? I could play drums and guitar at the same time.”

****

Ignis had no problems with traversing a rainforest. Neither did his fellow Crownsguard really; Prompto just liked to complain about his feet hurting and question if they were there yet with a whine in his voice. Quite the trouper, he was. But despite sharing hotel rooms and tents around Eos and being accustomed to the sight of each other’s bodies, at least while they had corporeal bodies, nothing could have prepared Ignis for Murderface splayed out on deck completely nude. It was a small relief that rest of the band felt the same way, since the retching noises did nothing to deter the bass player from sprawling naked on a lounge chair while reverentially whispering “Ah, freeballing”. Ignis supposed he should be grateful the man refrained from urinating over the side of the boat, after it was relayed to him by Skwisgaar how a fish called a “Candiru” managed to lodge itself in Murderface’s urethra the last time they made this journey. While Ignis respected Skwisgaar’s talent, he had a limited tolerance for the man, as aspects of his personality were too similar to Loqi Tummelt for his taste. He felt that in Charles Foster Offdensen, he found a kindred spirit. They would often have silent conversations about the importance of lighting, and what separates the good lamps from the cheap lamps.

Gladio-within-Nathan thought this was a fine adventure; very few critters were trying to kill him, and the resident large, spotted cats kept to themselves and didn’t throw lightning bolts with the wrath of Ramuh at him. He was also silently communing with Nathan, and wishing he could stay a little longer – beer, booze, women, fame, money, lack of people trying to murder you just for being associated with royalty – yeah, a guy could definitely get used to this.

Prompto liked Toki and could relate to the child-like nature of his host body; they had much in common. Animals, video games, models of aircraft (even though what Toki worked on was nothing like the aircraft Prompto was familiar with), not to mention a brutal and lonely childhood – Toki, much like Prompto himself, often exhibited a warm and cheerful exterior to hide the small, scared child inside. At least Toki had parents, but Prompto reflected that maybe having no parents was better than having parents that were outright cold and abusive. That clown, though… Prompto admitted to himself that Dr. Rockzo was on the creepy side, even for a clown; and that was saying something.

Offdensen genuinely liked and respected his spirit resident; he wished he had an army of Ignises around. He just wanted his body back with himself as the sole occupant.

Nathan thought Gladio was a bit of a tyrant with his extensive exercise regimen, but Nathan could appreciate the results in himself. For one thing, it extended the time he could go between liver transplants; for another, it gave him new perspectives and topics for writing songs. “Battle Coeurl” had gone quadruple platinum overnight! Dick Knubbler had practically came in his boxers when he heard that, and Abigail…. Nathan smiled slightly at the memory of Abigail practically dragging him to the floor for that one.

Toki was happy to have a new friend that liked the same things he did and could relate to a bad childhood. He felt sad at the prospect of losing Prompto, but he was excited to see if he would become a shamanistic bunny again.

Skwisgaar Skwigelf was completely unaware that anything had changed with either the robot or his bandmates. He continued running scales and arpeggios on his custom Thunderhorse and gloating to himself over how superior it was to Toki’s Snow Falcon. He experienced mild disappointment when Toki didn’t play “Stops Copies Me” at the gear library, something Pickles called “sporting goods store, ya douchebag – and now my blood sugar’s low again.”

Pickles was at a bit of a loss. He kind of wanted to have a spirit buddy to talk with, but at the same time he didn’t think he was ready for that kind of intimacy. He was actually pleased; he had been looking for a reason to go back down for another dose of Yopo, but it would have been awkward dropping in on his bandmate’s relatives without Nathan in tow. If he’s gonna die, might as well die high!

Murderface napped, occasionally belching and scratching himself in awkward places in his sleep. He was looking forward to being a white tiger again; as a bass player he didn’t get a lot of respect, but as a tiger? Wow! No one would dare turn a tiger down in the mix, or have the lead guitar player (that damn Skwisgaar!) record new notes over a tiger’s bass leads!

****

Both Offdensen and Ignis thought having hordes of Klokateers drag their boat over a mountain and through the jungle was a bit excessive, but not a single member of Dethklok showed any inclination of making the final trek under their own power. Gladio was fuming and silently berating Nathan for this lack of industry, and Prompto and Toki were too caught up in playing “I Spy” to pay attention.

They knew they had reached their destination when they found themselves surrounded by spears, which were lowered as the Yaneemango tribe recognized the faces on the mountain. Offdensen found he was able communicate their issues to the shaman, having briefly studied the tribe’s language after the last time the band ran off to experience Yopo. The shaman had recognized quickly that there were foreign spirits residing within, and agreed to perform the Yopo ceremony to attempt to free them.

****

“BOSS!” yelled a moogle to Carbuncle, “You gotta come here, Kupo! This realm where Noct’s entourage ended up is going to try to separate their souls, Kupo!”

Carbuncle scurried to the moogle viewing device as fast as his four furry feet could carry him. “Quick! Patch me through to Bahamut!” The communication device crackled to life. “This had better be important,” came the deep voice over the speaker. “Sir! The primitives are going to try separating their souls from their bodies! Can you please lend your assistance?”

In less than the time it took to blink an eye, Bahamut was in the control room. He didn’t feel there was anything he could do, but it would let the moogles feel as though everything was in order. He wondered for a moment if it was blasphemous on some level for an Astral to pray.

****

The fires were lit, the chanting had begun. The shaman blew Yopo into the faces of Dethklok and their manager/CFO/legal advisor/High Holy Priest of the Church of the Black Klok. From their bodies rose the form of a hawk (Skwisgaar), white tiger (Murderface), octopus (Pickles)… and instead of an alligator and a rabbit from Nathan and Toki, there were the ghostly figures of a mountain of a man with long dark hair, glowing amber eyes, and chiseled abs; a fluffy-headed blond with eyes like a sunny afternoon and a smattering of freckles, and drifting over from Offdensen was the figure of a tall, lean man with glowing green eyes and medium brown hair; although they could see remnants of massive scarring around his eyes, he had the most beautiful smile and he gazed peacefully back. The three linked hands, slowly dissipating into small blue glowing orbs, then a sudden flash of light as –

****

The moogle crew, Carbuncle, and even Bahamut were whooping it up in the control room. It was a success! Souls retrieved and Bahamut made a mental note to add a paycheck bonus for all those involved. Even himself.

****

The three Crownsguard found themselves abruptly in what looked like the throne room of the Citadel, before Niflheim attacked. Prompto was the first to recover, yelling “NOCT!!!!” as he barreled up the stairs and was met by a charging King Noctis, wrapping their arms around each other, swiftly followed by Ignis and Gladio. Tears were shed, and no one spoke – or could speak – for the longest time. There was no need. They were home.

#FFXV #Dethklok #metalocalypse #Ignis is SO Charles Foster Offdensen or maybe he's Ignis

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bananashemmo · 7 years

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When We Collide (Part 4)

Pairing: Assistant!Y/N/CEO!Luke

Rating: PG-All

Parts: 1 | 2 | 3

Summary: He is the definition of high class smart ass, swimming in Dom Pierre Pérignon champagne and has never seen the shadow of poverty. She is underprivileged, lives in a messy dorm room on sale and struggles working as an assistant after being thrown out of college. But how will they collide when Luke makes Y/N pregnant after a drunkenly one night stand?

”I’m here, spill all the details!”

It was as if a huge morning shock went through your body when Nicole practically slammed herself in front of the coffee machine to get your attention and almost made you drop the package of white coffee cops you were about to take out.

“What are you talking about?” You confusedly questioned, you had been so caught up in your own business that your heart had skipped a beat or two by her small jump scare.

She rolled her eyes as if you were playing totally dumb and placed the tray on the counter next to her. She had a little bit of flour sprinkled on her cheek but you decided not to warn her now because she was so caught up in whatever she was thinking you couldn’t pass through the barrier.

“You know exactly what I’m talking about.” Her face showed annoyance but her tone was way different, you almost heard it as seductive.

You still didn’t say anything but sighed deeply trying to think back. Nothing came to the top of your head but you assumed it was something big because usually she wouldn’t have the time to run up to you and speak during the mornings at work. She had a busy schedule and you knew she would only be here for an hour before she would hurry to her classes.

“You have absolutely no idea what I’m referring to, right?” She asked in a boring tone and sighed deeply to herself. Strands of hair were falling down from her large bun and she tensed less in her shoulders having to explain.

“Gossip has been spread between the offices this morning that Mr. Hemmings took someone home after the party. Now I know, it’s not something knew but I have a feeling that’s it you because you haven’t said a word since we left and you even forgot to send me your ‘I’m safety home’ message.”

If it hadn’t been for the fact that you had woken up this morning to the owner of your dorm room knocking furiously on the door at 6 A.M you would have reacted way different. The only thing you could do was stare at her with no emotion on your face.

“It wasn’t me.” You stated and to prove that you weren’t lying you leaned forward to start the coffee machine to distract your face. You had always been a good liar after all but Nicole could be spot on at times. Just like she was now and you hadn’t spoiled a single thing to her.

“Yeah right.” She laughed and leaned her arm on top of the coffee machine, watching your every move with the biggest smile growing on her face.

You quivered an eyebrow suspiciously by her expression, you didn’t want to know what was going on in her mind. She sometimes assumed the worst picture scenarios possible, she had a dirty mind and people wouldn’t think that because her attitude seemed like the sweetest girl next door possible.

Leaning forward to place the cup below the coffee machine you tried to ignore her but failed horribly. You wanted to erase the night out because it had only been a drunken crash on whatever Italian bed you had been resting on, you couldn’t remember half the things Patrick had explained once you were there.

“Nicole let me tell you one thing.” You admitted, catching her attention and saw as she most assumingly prepared herself for some good old gossip.

“There’s no way in hell I would ever sleep with ‘Mr. Hemmings’. He’s a straight up asshole without lack of situation awareness, respect for the opposite genders and doesn’t know how to behave properly in the society we live in.”

You would have expected her to widen her eyes by having you reading her mind but she kept quiet and quivered an eyebrow instead. You felt confused by her reaction you had expected her to shake her head in disbelief but she only looked over your shoulder with a surprised look on her face.

“The asshole is here!” Luke almost loudly announced with the biggest smile on his face and you saw how you almost looked like a ghost in the face by your reflection in the window in front of you.

Your jaw fell as you turned around to look up at him, his hair freshly pulled back with some fancy hair wax and his grey suit fitting him nicely. You had no idea what to say but your jaw was slowly falling down to touch the top of your feet.

“I uh…” You mumbled confused not knowing how to save the situation but it wasn’t necessary because Luke was quick to change the subject and make everything even worse than it already was.

“I bought you this.” He announced and lifted up a pink striped bag from Victoria’s Secret, your eyes widening even more than before and you could feel how your cheeks already prepared to heat up in an embarrassing blush.

You didn’t like where this was going especially not because he was having that smile on his face that told he was about to throw some sort of explosive bomb.

“After you forgot your bra at my place this weekend and that you apparently buy your underwear at target I couldn’t not buy this for you. Now I don’t really know why you forgot your bra in the first place but something tells me you will be very happy for this. It’s black and purple, lace and sexy as hell.”

There it was, the blush starting from your cheeks and spread down to your neck. Luke almost wanted to push the bag into your embrace when you didn’t react, you barely flicked your muscle but it was most probably because you could practically see Nicole’s face from your behind.

“But if you actually want that old bra thing back you know where I live.” He winked, letting go of the bag so you were forced to grab it, watching him walk past you and nodded down at Nicole.

“Good morning Penelope.”

You rolled your eyes by the fact that he still hadn’t learned Nicole’s name yet, she even had a damn name tag! Not to mention she was wearing it right on her boob so it was surprising Luke hadn’t glanced down. But there was too many thoughts at once for you to multiply what had just happened and you looked back at Nicole.

She wasn’t just surprised she was completely shocked and you thought there was no way in hell you could save this but you had to. In reality nothing had happened when you closed the door right in Luke’s face but now when you thought about it you had forgotten your bra after hanging it up to dry.

“You dirty little fucker.” Was the first thing she said after a full minute of silence and she shook her head almost in disbelief with a huge smirk on her face.

“I fucking knew it!”

“We didn’t do anything!” You yelled almost too loudly in frustration, almost wanting to knock down the bag not even curious to what was actually hiding inside of it.

“Sure you fucking did I know you Y/N.” Nicole laughed and curiously took a look down in the bag hell she wanted to see what he had bought for you. At least she had a bit of care, you just wanted to put it in the nearest trashcan because if you kept it, it meant he would get his will once again.

“No I swear to god we didn’t do anything.” You gave in and gave her the back fully to explain yourself, “I was on my way home in the rain, he showed up out of nowhere in this giant ass car and he politely took me home so I could sleep at this place for the night. I know this sounds like bow chica wowwow but I swear to god we weren’t near each other in any way. I even had a room for myself where I slept for the night and before he could show up in the morning in only his underwear I left! It was the reason why I forgot my bra because I was in such a hurry!”

It was almost as if the smirk on her face disappeared ever so slowly as if she was almost disappointed. She looked between the bag and you while listening, she had almost hoped you would actually sleep with him just because it would be the biggest gossip around campus.

“So you didn’t sleep with him? Not even a small hand troll under the sheets?” Her voice was almost above a whisper and she faintly heard her name being called by the kitchen boss standing behind the counter with an angry expression on his face.

“No, nothing happened and nothing will ever happen.” You replied in serious tone just to show her that this wasn’t something to me kidding about, “Plus after work today I will go over to the mall and return these. He needs to understand that he can’t cover up his shitty personality by buying stuff in replacement!”

You took the bag out of her hands almost to her surprise and she looked down at the bag almost as if he she had become hurt by your actions.

“But Y/N come on look how expensive it is imagine how it must feel to wear and if-,” She paused in track by the look you were giving her, trying to prove that there was no way in hell you would keep this.

“Or you can get the money back and forget completely how sexy you would actually look in this.” She said instead and almost quoted what Luke had told minutes ago.

You sighed carefully and looked into the bag, it did in fact look pretty expensive but instead of keeping it you rather wanted to sell and use it to pay rent. Maybe that meant you could save a day extra and wouldn’t have to think about moving out already. You could almost imagine the face of the dorm owner once you would force a stack of money in his face.

“Nicole we have a cafeteria to serve right now, get your ass over here!” The kitchen boss yelled once his temper had finally come to the point of boiling, he had been polite and patient but now he didn’t want to wait anymore.

Nicole’s eyes widened once she came back to reality and remembered she was actually at work and in instinct she touched her cheek and brushed away the small amount of flour. She looked back at you in apology but you nodded your head regardless, you had someone to confront that couldn’t wait a second.

“I’ll see you around babe.” She said and gave you a short hug, hurrying back towards the counter with her tray and filled it up with cups of coffee.

You stood to yourself in your thoughts without really doing anything, trying to let everything sink in and finally pressed down on the coffee starter. You weren’t even that tired after wall but you had grown addicted to this special latte that they served here.

You tried to stabilize the coffee in your hand while rushing towards the elevator and took the many floors up until you finally arrived at your office. You barely cared about the mess you had created once you had thrown your own personal bag and the Victoria secret one onto the counter of already messy papers.

You could already see he was inside his office and after taking a large sip of the very hot coffee you tried to brush off the burning sensation on your tongue and almost busted the door open.

Luke wasn’t even startled by the sudden noise, it was almost as if he had expected you to arrive and he stopped from swirling a pencil between his long fingers.

“Coming to say thank you for the underwear? Also you were so quick to leave last Friday you didn’t even get the chance to order scrambled eggs or say good morning.” He grinned lightly and moved his legs down from his desk to roll the chair closer to the wooden surface.

You almost groaned loudly by his question and removed yourself from the door without wanting to shut it, if he wanted to brag about pulling his assistant home after a party they might as well also wanted to hear the outcome of it.

“What’s the matter with you?” You almost questioned loudly but your tone didn’t have the slightest affection on him.

“Not much,” He replied back and stood up from his chair, “I went to the hairdresser today, took a small run at the gym and now I’m here. Oh, not to mention that I ordered Patrick to buy your clothes, he really has a great taste in bras doesn’t he?”

“Yes-, but-, No that’s not important!” You were confused for one second but you didn’t have the time for that and focused back on why you had showed up at his office in the first place.

“You need to understand that you can’t buy me okay! So what if I buy bras at Target, they’re nice they’re cheap and I don’t have anyone to show them to other than me so they’re perfectly fine!” You said everything so fast you almost believed he didn’t catch up but he sure did.

“Fine I’ll buy bras from Target from now on, can’t you like get 10 for like $5?” Luke rolled his eyes as if it was him giving in and giving you the will but you only shook your head in disagreement and ran a hand through your hair frustrated.

“No Luke you’re not supposed to buy anything and even more no you have no idea how fucking expensive bras are!” You argued, you literally only had four bras, now only three because he still had yours and you didn’t want to say you wanted it back because that meant you would have to show up at his place again.

“If it’s such a huge problem to you that bras are expensive why the hell won’t you let me buy you some?” He questioned like you were dumb and you took yourself to the head by the insane conversation you were having.

“Why are we discussing about bras!?” You yelled at him, seeing his eyes widening.

“I don’t know you were the one showing up at my office in the first place!” He yelled back, feeling how the tone had suddenly changed but it wasn’t as if you were angry at each other.

You looked at him confusedly not knowing what to do but then again, the only way to stop the conversation would be to leave. You had learned from now that trying to discuss with Luke would literally be impossible, he could be arguing with a wall and would still think he had won.

Turning around on your feet you hurried out of his office but not without a small trip with the stupid high heels but it was something you had grown used to. You didn’t know what to do with yourself because you hadn’t even heard today’s program but you could start out by turning on your computer.

“Y/N…” Luke was quick to walk into your office and grabbed your arm to turn you around and make you look at him.

He wasn’t looking as frustrated as he did before and you quivered an eyebrow. He didn’t say anything but still kept his hand on your arm, you could feel how there was still a tension in the air that lingered, clouding right above your heads.

“We look at each other like we’re about to kiss.” He suddenly hummed, his nose very close to touching yours but before he could get the chance you took a large step back and knocked your hip into your desk.

If it wasn’t for you holding everything in and trying not to whimper by the sudden foolish action you pointed at him in warning and felt how you were losing your breath.

“Please, for god sake just leave me!” You didn’t yell but neither was your tone above a whisper. It had all the seriousness it needed to show how tired you were of his behavior and if he tried to take one step again you would slap him in the face.

“Please just leave me alone.”

He was smiling once again almost as if it was a challenge but regardless respected your words. He took a few steps back but not before being his typical self and winking down at the Victoria’s Secret bag.

“Tell me if it’s the right size.”

Part 5

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krystynasierbien · 7 years

Text

There’s a Glenn Greenwald in all our Heads — He Mustn’t Be Destroyed.

So you found my message in a bottle on Copacabana beach, or in the sea; which evidently you got in to ‘fetch’; Congratulations,

Hiya,

It is right now twilight in my leafy sanctuary, and the amphibian purr of the rainforest — that ethereal constant, by now so familiar and so dear I know that to it, I have surrendered an enclave of my being — has prompted first, inclination to cleanse these half century worn muscles with my nightly yoga skit on the porch as the dogs run around outside like mad cats beneath the encroaching romance of the moonlight, then the compulsion to write this letter, by hand and by candlelight to you, a complete stranger, with free time only a lack of internet access could realistically inspire.

You see it poured with rain earlier; there was yet another power-cut, and the lines have been down for hours now. Which is too bad. My sort-of-boss wanted to get in touch this evening to discuss whatever legal issues hover over my latest, and for that reason, presumably, LOL, still yet to be published article.

The delay’s all been thanks to The Deatheaters at GCHQ: Who once again have gotten in touch with their specious appeals to “wahhh, ah, don’t publish, national security!” when in this instance all they seem to want to do, in fact all they ever seem to want to do is cover their own sorry incompetent asses. And don’t get me started on Professor Sir David Omand De Pfeffel III or whatever his name isn’t — that guy. That sneering, contemptuous, duckbilled platypus of a man who, if not shuffling along the corridors of the War Studies department at Kings College London, mumbling to himself and his colleagues about “The Terrorists” can be found on UK television waving classified documents redacted to the point of incoherency in Channel 4 News’ John Snow’s face; lambasting him for “not covering the story accurately” and causing “needless fear and confusion.” Omand’s open disdain for the public is obscene and astounding. The UK is astounding. But would Omand debate me Live, and face to face, about the broader implications of mass surveillance at its current technological velocity, hmmm? No, of course he wouldn’t. Because obviously he knows that GG (emphasis MINE) would wipe the floor with him.

Stepping back, you know it’s actually quite funny, ironic even. I think? I’ve mentioned this in interviews before of course although it certainly bears repeating here too. My sort-of boss, this guy, this Ebay guy, Pierre Omidyar. Mmmm-hmmm, that’s right, get this: Well, Pierre can’t get in touch with me a lot of the time because of the outages, yet he’s a multi-billionaire computer and technology whizz with coalescing political, philanthropic and entrepreneurial goals (that’s PPE to you, British establishment! LOL.) The point is none of that stuff makes a difference here. Not money nor status nor expertise, and tidbits such as these keep me grounded. You know, those little reminders that even one of the most influential and tech-savvy people in the world, not to mention a bestselling author and journalist whom reports on cutting edge computer technologies as weaponised by the burgeoning global security state, aka yours truly, me, Glenn Greenwald, that’s right bitches, are subject to the whim of a tropical downpour and temperamental public infrastructure, just like everybody else. Which means often Pierre and I are unable to email or even call one other for this reason, let alone encrypt our communications. Hell — I can barely encrypt!

But no matter because here in the rainforest. The rainforest in which I live. The rainforest from which I conduct most of my adversarial business in between regular trips back and forth to the US to attend MSM interviews & a variety of public and private speaking engagements, nature’s obstacles usually prevail. And I respect that.

I love not man the less; but nature more. I love not man the less, but nature more. This quote, by Lord Byron of all people rolled over in my head as I walked the dogs today, and it seems to make more sense with the so-called passage of so-called time. Nevertheless civilisation, free speech, civility, order — not too much though — also justice, always justice, justice applied to the largest and yes at times even the most mundane aspects of public life, has really always been my passion. And yet still, still, I feel most at home in the lushness, solitude and natural lawlessness of the jungle; where civilisation’s most concrete hallmarks and affectations are relatively scarce. I am conscious of this duality and honestly I’m still not sure what to make of it. What I do know is that the eleven adorable rescue pups David and I adopted from the local santuário animal a couple of years back really have transformed our lives for the better. We feel a deep-seated affection for our unruly four-legged companions; who have become a necessary counterforce to the many stresses our working hours burden us with. Each has a unique personality and complex emotional needs. This is how I personally have experienced every dog I’ve crossed paths with in all my forty nine years. And you know what? To me that’s life affirming. You see the dogs help me help myself let go of all that rage. The kind of debilitating rage only interaction with you the people could ever insight (LOL).

The birds living here with us in this sprawling primeval forestry we call home love it when it rains, but they sing louder when it pours, and whenever they do, and whenever it does, echoes of real-life tweets streak through the sodden air and then into my grateful ears whenever the wind’s blowing in my favour. The humidity here reminds me of my home state Florida, a place I left an inordinately long time ago now. The strangest of personal circumstances tend to develop in the lives of Floridians who actually leave Florida by the way. The meme is true. I am, by no memes, an exception to this ‘rule’ and yes I’ve certainly led a variegated life so far. Like many if not most people have. It’s not that I’m secretive about my past, nor about how I got here either, per se. It’s just that it’s none of your damn business is it really. And I think perhaps you should respect that. Enough about Cocky Boys already, pedants. It’s been done. Twice already. Whatever.

I was a member elect of the *drumroll* Lauderdale Lakes City Council recreation advisory board by the time I was eight. So admittedly I’ve been aware of this ‘game’ for a long time now, starting my own journey on the other side of the public/private tracks before relinquishing my post a year later to pursue other projects, namely cub scouts, at age nine (LOL).

I ran for council even, unsuccessfully it would eventually transpire although boy did I learn a whole lot about US electoral politics during that election campaign, when I was seventeen. Growing up, my grandfather was a Lauderdale Lakes City councillor for many years — as far back as I can remember in fact — and it was from him I learnt that the principles and constitutional rights of all must be upheld ‘doggedly’ (LOL) no matter how odious that token, idea, or indeed even that person might be.

I’m actually a bigger picture kinda guy really, and I’m funny and nice as anything in real life. But I also know the intricacies of the system because I’ve been there, okay, an insider of various descriptions, with first hand experience of these institutions in operational flux as their representatives often superficially interact with, lie to and clash with one another. You have no idea how much of a mess all this is of course. But I do. I know the system’s geared towards the moneyed, the unashamed pursuit of the ego; that in a comparable sense the law exists to infantilise, imprison and fine the unruly masses while invariably loop-de-looping for those wealthier entities, who admittedly I jam with from time to time, even though it’s obvious, self-evident maybe, that even ‘The Good Billionaires’ see buying political power as but one manifestation of the natural order of things. Which troubles me of course. Only how much really? And what if they’re right? I’ve heard about the sinister echoes along D.C. corridors: I’ve seen the grubby fingermarks lining the walls and yes I’ve spoken to the beasts that frequent the hallways and the conference rooms. (Obama voice) I get it, really.

There really are glimmers of hope though and yet rarely do we ever focus on them. As I write these words a small but dedicated army of human rights activists and free speech lawyers are in perpetual battle with the encroaching security state to carve out and maintain as safe a legal space as possible for whistleblowers and political dissidents alike. These are people who use their skills for good. Who refuse to serve ‘corporate interests’ and choose instead to secure the rights of whistleblowers everywhere by bolstering as best they can the safety net that whistleblowers are legally guaranteed.

I upheld the constitutional rights of a corporation myself before. A tobacco company no less. Whatever god is knows that I have. But I soon realised I was emptier for it. That I was merely existing. I started to blog soon-after before upping sticks, leaving my life in New York along with a relationship that had sadly long since run its course behind, and moved to Rio in ’05, where I was blessed enough to meet my soulmate, David Miranda, and then find this wonderful paradise for us to live in before my ‘second-wind’ career of sorts really started to take off. And now the rest, as they say (LOL), is history.

I started blogging as online media began to challenge and disrepute the establishment press and, I think, redefine the global media order entirely. People liked my work (LOL); I managed to land the Salon gig; The Guardian one after that. There, I was able to draw attention to NSA mass surveillance as the story crescendoed. As the NSA insiders continued to come forward and as that constitutional gut punch, The Patriot Act, was finally being acknowledged for the abomination it so demonstrably was and continues to be within broader political discourse. However nothing could have prepared me for the Snowden thing and everything he has entailed since. It’s been the most insane thing. An admission here, just a small one because, well, I’ve been candid thus far and it only feels right that I continue in this vein. So here goes:

It actually wasn’t a Rubik’s cube Snowden was carrying with him in the hotel lobby the day we met. As the Oscar Winning film Citizen Four suggests. Nuh uh. Ed had a Rubik’s cube, which he’d planned to use for the purposes that we described to you in the film, only turns out that he lost it the day we arranged to meet. We filmed all that crap afterwards. He was closing a window in his hotel room that morning when he sneezed, and his natural response was to move his hand over his mouth, like any good boy would. As he did so, the Rubiks cube, which was in his hand at this point, I have no idea why and to this day neither does he — slipped from his grip, and then ricocheted off his cheek, somehow. As if in slow motion; right through the tiny opening in the window. I mean really, what are the odds?! He was in his hotel room on the 51st floor so obviously he couldn’t leave the building for security reasons. When Laura and I heard the news via p2p we were absolutely devastated. How could this even happen?

With only a small window (LOL) of opportunity to amend the plan; the only thing we could think of was thus: We would meet Ed in the lobby just as planned, but instead of holding a Rubik’s cube, he’d be the guy in the furthest right hand corner of the room, facing the wall. Slowly, but purposefully banging his head up against it. Only little did we know, at that exact spot, just three days previously a decorative Chao Gong had been mounted on that particular stretch of wall. So when we arrived, there Snowden was: A young, scrawny looking man (Laura & I had expected him to be of retirement age up to this point) stood there banging his head against it as three startled receptionists from the lobby-desk bustled frantically around him, offering a glass of water, pleading with him to take a seat. Laura, Ewen and I hurried over when we spotted him and when he did the same he followed us to the end of the lobby and then out into the hallway where we exchanged nervous, awkward, but sympathetic glances before stepping into the lift together, going up, exiting, and then walking up to the hotel room in complete silence.

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