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nightwolfomega · 4 years

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Heart of the Lycan Chapter 1

Becoming friends with the wolf boy

Autumn was slowly rolling around the corner, the leaves changing from summer green to their beautiful red, orange, and yellows. A silver car Drove through the backwoods into the forest of the happily quiet town Autumn Valley known for its festivals during the fall season of having bountiful cider and spooky Halloween fun,

Olydia was happy to be coming back home. It’s been six years since she left to be in college and work on her artistic and literary talents to hopefully better herself. Her family sold their old home for a smaller place but luckily there was still the family cabin she could live in now since her parents were kind enough to let her have it.

She was always grateful how supportive and kind her parents are to her. Driving up the stony alley way she had to pick up some house appliances such as toiletries and some food,

Picking up as many bags as she could to save herself the double trips to go back to her car, stacking the many groceries onto the porch before she unlocked her door. Walking inside the cabin felt warm and homey, the rustic decorations that her mother had always made her smile, remembering when she used to go with her at a little store called “The Gift Shop” where there were all sorts of lovely handmade painted novelty gifts. Such as the wooden cut out of a snow man and the adorable painted squiggly smile to give it it’s charm.

Another memory was the candles, there was always a candle that helped give a home it’s final touch of welcoming. She walks over to her kitchen counter and pulls a box of matches out, trimming the long wick of her favorite candle “Autumn breeze” she lights it carefully and discards the used match in the trash.

Now she was ready to put stuff away, it was the little things that make the big steps of making a home feel like home. “This is nice.” she thought to herself, feeling the atmosphere becoming relaxing and calm. She puts her groceries away, dating the meats and cheeses she got from the store. It was always good to do that so she could save herself the worry of smelling or seeing the produce expire.

Once that was done she rubs her eyes and looks over to the boxes of her stuff she still had to go through, mostly clothes and other miscellaneous items. But she didn’t have a problem unpacking her art supplies and books into the spare room where she would make that into her art studio, With just enough lighting through the window it would be the perfect spot to unleash her creativity and writing. Not to forget also a nice spot to read some of her favorite books.

Olydia sighs at herself, “Why am I like this? Why do I always wait to unpack my clothes and other stuff but my art stuff and books first?” she spoke out loud. Of course whenever she needed a break from unpacking she could go to her art room to let out some steam. Shrugging with a smirk “Heh, guess that’s what motivates me first.”

Going over to open one of the knick knacks filled boxes, as she opens the cardboard flaps there’s a picture that stares at her face to face that made her pause.

A photo of her during the time of her high school years, in the library with a young man that had wild hair tamed with a ponytail and dark circles under his eyes, Grinning happily next to her as they were reading a novel together. A classmate of her’s took that picture thinking it would be a nice memory to have.

“Lycus,” she spoke softly as she smiled at the memories they had together, he was always kind and gentle. At least with her, he didn’t trust anyone else that much.

The reason was of course he was raised by wolves.

Olydia remembered him telling her that, When he was a somewhat young child he lost his family venturing deep in the woods until a large white wolf came in and took him as one of her own. Growing up and surviving until people found him again and brought him back to civilization, he had a rough time trying to get back to things. Being so used to acting like a wolf, he had to relearn things again from the ground up.

Remembering the first time she met him was at the library, She would always go there when she had a chance to. Looking through books she notices him sitting by himself at one of the tables, he appears to be disheveled even a bit nervous looking around. His long wild hair covered most of his face and had dark circles under his pale blue eyes, scratching at his stubble that was growing out.

People talked rumors about him and they were harsh ones about how he would bite at people if you even came near him, or how he’s more of a wolf than man. She hated that, disgust how this poor guy went through so much and now people either tease or were too scared to even go near him.

At that moment she made a choice that changed her life forever. Walking over she stands next to him “Hello,” she spoke softly. He jerks back in a panic growling at her baring his teeth, raising her hand defensively “I’m sorry! I didn’t mean to scare you like that.” she spoke worriedly.

She felt her heart become sore as he hugged himself looking down becoming guilty when he did that, “I-I just wanted to ask if you would like me to sit here and keep you company.” reaching her hand out to touch his shoulder gently. The moment her hand touched him made his whole body shiver, he let out a whimper.

“Hey hey sweetie it’s okay, I’m not gonna hurt you.” she spoke in a nurturing tone stroking her thumb on his shoulder. She tries to think of something that would help him calm down, suddenly an idea pops in her head “Say, How about I read to you. Would you be okay with that?” she asks in a nurturing tone.

The young man turns looking at her, perplexed on what she meant by that. “Do you like stories? I can read them to you if you want.” showing him a book she had that was about fairy tales.

“C’mon, I can ask the librarian if she can let us in the little spare room so it’ll be more quiet and I can read to you without disturbing others.” offering her hand to him but pauses a moment “If that’s what you would like of course.” she spoke bashfully.

A sliver of guilt creeping up at the back of her mind, feeling like she was forcing him to do this, however she could feel his larger hand holding onto hers firmly yet carefully. Slowly nodding and gets out of the chair, her eyes widen to how tall he was compared to her.

“Okay, let's go ask Mrs. Sanford.” carefully pulling him with her, after persuading the librarian to let them use the room they go inside and it was the perfect silence for reading. When they sat across each other she held up the book with her other stuff sitting next to her. “Now lets see, which story should we start with…” she spoke scanning at the index.

“Lycus.” she heard a voice speak to her, Olydia paused and looked up at him “Pardon me?” she spoke curiously. He hesitates a moment looking around the room, finally gaining enough courage he looks at her and speaks again “M-My name is Lycus.” he spoke out slowly. It was obvious to see he was struggling to say the words he wanted but tried his hardest to do well at it.

A smile creased onto her face “I’m Olydia.” she replies cheerfully. “Thank you so much for telling me your name Lycus.”. He looked at her, waiting for a harsh comment but it never came. “How about I read this one to you, beauty and the beast it’s quite a nice story…” she spoke flipping to the page, but he noticed something, a notebook that he saw upside down “My story notebook” written in sharpie on the plastic cover.

As she was about to read he placed his hand on top of the page to keep her from doing so “Hmm? Do you not want me to read to you?” she asks with a little frown. Lycus shakes his head quickly and points at the notebook.

Olydia sees it also and blushes “Oh, heh that's just uh...my own stuff I wrote and some doodles in there too.” she picks it up “There’s not much in it really just some short stories.” looking back up to him he was now looking at her with his head tilted slightly.

She loved to write and draw, but she was always nervous to show her work to others.

“It’s just a bunch of stuff of fiction, like fantasy and horror. I like writing about-” she cuts herself off, Lycus leans closer now curious “Please don’t laugh at me when I tell you this okay.” she spoke nervously.

Lycus was silent so that probably meant yes, Olydia nodded “I enjoy writing about werewolves and lycans, they’re just so much fun and amazing to work with. I like writing them as good guys and heroes in the story, not like the mindless killing machines other authors write them as. Though who am I to judge?” she sighs with a shrug.

Then she waited for him to say something like “You’re into that weird stuff?” or worse, but when she looked at him she could have sworn his eyes sparkled and a grin on his face. “Do you like werewolves and Lycans too?” she asks with a smile, Lycus immediately nods and points at the notebook “Please?” he asks.

Olydia blinks “You mean you want me to read my own stuff to you?” feeling her face get warm. Lycus nods again. “Are you sure? I mean some of this is still in the works-” she then saw he was giving her the puppy eyes and lets out a soft tiny whimper, her heart betrayed her at how adorable he looked and gave in “Okay, Okay I’ll read some of it to you.” opening up to the first page she began to read.

Fighting through her bashfulness she read to Lycus, telling him story after story of her own works, one being about a knight that fought alongside with a lycan that became detectives.

As she was reading, lycus gave her his full attention, listening closely with a smile on his face, it was as if he was a completely different person now.

when she was almost finished the bell rings and the two looked out the door's window, it was their last period and so it was time to leave “Guess it’s time to go home now.” Olydia spoke a little disappointed.

When she looked at Lycus however her heart dropped at the devastation on his face, “Hey Lycus.” reaching her hand out to hold his securely. “We can do this again tomorrow, I’ll get more of my stories and I’ll read them to you. Would you like that?” Olydia asks, at that second Lycus looked at her relief washed over him “Really?” he asks innocently.

Olydia smiles warmly at him “Of course,” she replies standing up from the table, “In fact, I can even ask my parents if you would like to come over and we can do some more reading together and other stuff too.” she spoke out. Lycus thought about that, he was hesitant about it “But only if you're okay with that, I want you to know you're safe with me.” she spoke sweetly to him.

Lycus paused and shifted his gaze at her, getting up from the table he walked over to Olydia, towering over her as she had to take a little step back to see his face. “F-Friends?” he asks nervously.

Olydia makes a wide grin and in a fit of excitement wraps his arms around him “Of course we’re friends Lycus!” she spoke out excitedly rubbing the side of her head to his chest. She felt Lycus' body shudder letting out a small gasp, his arms slowly raising up as she heard his heart beating quickly.

His arms wrap around her, hugging Olydia so firmly to his body that it almost looked like he was afraid to let go.

“M-Mate?” he whispers nervously to her, Oh? Mates, like best buddy mates she thought. Looking up and giving him a warm smile “Yeah, we're gonna be best mates you and I.” she spoke cheerfully.

The librarian saw their little hugging moment and she informed them about the no touch policy at school. Lycus pulls away from her and Olydia chuckles “It’s okay big guy.” she spoke “I’ll see you tomorrow Lycus.” she spoke, waving at him as she started walking away to get her stuff to walk home.

Lycus slowly waved back with a crooked smile on his face.

After that, the rest was history. They became an inseparable team and stuck with each other through thick and thin. Confiding in with each other and becoming close friends.

Back to now, she held the picture frame up and placed it on top of the fireplace. Olydia hoped that she would see him again if he didn’t move away of course, she missed him so much during the time she was gone. “I hope he’s happy and doing well now.” she spoke to herself now going back to unpacking some more stuff.

#Heart of the Lycan #Chapter 1 #story #lycan #werewolf #Olydia #lycus #original characters #monster boyfriend #fiction #writing #horror #some romance #books #library

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p-artsypants · 5 years

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Rage Awakened (9)

This chapter was going to be significantly longer, so I decided to cut it in half to get it out sooner.

@chachacharlieco @violetstar-writes

FF.net | Ao3

Saying that Sora was uncomfortable would be an understatement. He was wearing borrowed clothes from Ventus; a red jumper with a white short sleeved jacket over it. Sora continued to tug at the puffy pant legs for some relief, but to no avail. The outfit was just a little too small. His undershorts rode up his backside, and people kept slapping his hand away when he tried to pick at it. Not to mention, his sock was falling down in his too-big shoe. He was pretty sure the jumper was picked specifically so he couldn’t drop trou when he finally got fed up with wearing clothes.

“Red suits you,” Kairi had said when she noticed his discomfort. It had helped, but only slightly.

Currently, they were in the courtyard, having just arrived with the borrowed gummi ship, which they would continue to hold onto until Sora earned his keyblade armor.

He looked around briefly, finding solace in the greenery, no matter how manicured it was.

Then there were brooms. Walking brooms. Living brooms. He stared in shock. It was like something out of a dream, or a far off memory.

He followed the others through the castle, as they were escorted to a banquet hall. A large table was set with all sorts of dishes and silverware, heaps of food and decorations. And there were people talking loudly and quickly. He could barely make out the conversations. Frightened, he stood behind Kairi and tried to hide.

“Sora!” A high pitched voice called out to him.

Still nervous, Sora glanced over to where the voice was coming from, only to find a small creature with huge round ears. He stared in confusion.

“Gosh, you sure did grow up! You remember me though, don’tcha?”

Sora’s memory was good, but very selective. He could recall events and faces, but not names or places. This person, he knew. He was certain he did. One that he never wanted to forget.

But the name was just on the tip of his tongue.

There was something about this place that brought a song to his head. And he began to hum it slowly. And then…”M-I-C-K-E-Y…M-O-U-S-E!”

“That’s me! Mickey Mouse! Master Eraqus said you can’t remember a lot of words right now. That’s okay! You’re safe here, okay?”

He wanted to believe that was true, but it was all just so overwhelming and different. So instead of responding, he just stayed quiet.

Kairi however, thanked Mickey for his concern, and then rested a warm hand on Sora’s arm. “You can trust Mickey. He’s a friend, just like Kairi.”

If Kairi trusted him, then it must have been okay.

He was then re-introduced to two more friends from his past. A duck and a dog.

“Gawrsh Sora, We sure missed you! How’ya been?” Said Goofy.

“Still getting into trouble?” Asked Donald, though it was mostly unintelligible.

Sora thought for a moment, and then parroted Donald perfectly, blowing air out his cheeks to replicate the quacking sound. “Still getting into trouble?”

Those assembled, besides Donald, burst into laughter.

“Hey! What’s the big idea?!” Donald quacked indignantly.

“Hey! What’s the big idea?!” Again, Sora parroted him, finding it easier to copy Donald than to copy anyone else.

Kairi, still giggling, said, “I don’t think he’s the best person to copy if you want to relearn how to speak.”

“Oh c’mon Kairi, it’s funny as balls!” Ventus choked, as he continued laughing himself silly.

“I don’t think it’s funny at all!” Donald shrieked, hands on his hips.

“Haven’t you ever heard the phrase, ‘imitation is the best form of flattery?’”

“Aw, phooey.”

“Aw phooey.”

“Knock it off!”

When it was time for dinner, Sora was ushered to sit between Kairi and Riku, though he kept his hands under the table, afraid to touch anything. He sat quietly as everyone talked, catching up on all that had happened in the last week. Though most of the conversation was lost on him.

“Wow, Sora! You lived in a tree?” Asked Daisy.

Sora glanced over to Kairi for help, but she urged him on.

“Y-yes…” he nodded. “Big…big tree.”

“That’s amazing! What did you do when it rained?”

He waved his hands over his head. “Leaves…lots. Stay dry.”

“Oh I see! What kind of tree was it?”

He frowned, perturbed to have to repeat himself. “Big tree.”

She simply laughed, and the conversation moved onward.

More brooms arrived, with carts of trays of food. Sora could smell it, and buzzed in his seat with excitement.

But, King Mickey stood on his chair and raised a glass. “I’d like to make a toast.”

Everyone took their glass and raised it as well, including Sora who looked around to make sure he was doing it right.

“To you, the keyblade wielders. For all your hard work this last year. We still have much work to do in order to defeat Maleficent and banish the darkness, but thanks to your efforts, no more worlds will be lost. And that is an incredible accomplishment. On behalf of all the worlds I visited, thank you. And, I’d also like to welcome home: Sora. Someone very important to our cause whom we’ve missed dearly all these years. To us!”

“To us!” The group sang together.

Sora watched as everyone clinked their glasses together in celebration, and then decided it was safe to do the same. Without warning, he slammed his glass into Riku’s, shattering both of them.

Sora yelped out in fear at the sound and Riku’s recoil, and then began to cry.

“It’s alright!” Mickey packed quickly. “Accidents happen!”

A pair of brooms were quick to clean up the mess and get new glasses for the boys. Sora, still feeling ashamed, sat on his hands and refused to touch anything, even when the food was presented.

The assembled dug in, not noticing Sora’s plight until Kairi spoke up. “You okay?”

He said nothing, but stared at his plate and licked his lips.

Rick nudged him, getting his attention. Then he took a fork in his fist, and brought it down to stick into a piece of broccoli. “See? Easy.”

Sora grabbed his fork, just like Riku showed him, and went to stab an olive. It rolled away, and he struck again and again, missing continually, until he stabbed right through the plate with a crack. He moaned in frustration, pushed away from the table and laid on the floor.

“Aw, gee Sora, there’s no reason to be upset.” Said Goofy. “Why, I think you’re doing’ just fine! I break plates all the time!”

This was of some comfort, and Sora returned to his seat, as the brooms cleaned up his dinner. He wasn’t that hungry anymore, but another serving was placed in front of him.

Again, Riku nudged him. When Sora looked over, he made a great show of setting his silverware down. Then he scooped up some mashed potatoes in his hand and ate it.

Kairi saw, and did the same with a handful of peas.

One by one, those around the table switched from fine dining, to eating like toddlers. Sora was immensely thankful, and dug into his own food.

After dinner, the group retired to the library.

“I just want to thank you guys again for all your hard work,” Mickey said as they got comfortable among the couches.

“Your Majesty, it wasn’t that hard. Sure, there were days that actually felt like we were struggling and doing work, but other days sort of felt like a vacation.” Said Terra.

“Yeah,” agreed Ventus, “it was cool to travel all over the place.”

Mickey smiled, “well, I’m glad you guys had fun out there too. Most people your age aren’t fighting to survive everyday, and some go without ever being in a fight at all! So, a thanks is required.” Then he stepped over to his desk. “Now, I have a favor to ask. I have the royal Chronicler here, and I would like to document everything you guys can recall from your travels. Facts about the worlds, people you encountered, everything and anything you can think of. I know it’s a lot, and we won’t get through it today, but it’s a start.”

“I wrote down everything I did in a notebook,” said Kairi. “It’s back at the Land of Departure, but I can bring it next time.”

“Great!”

“Where is the Chronicler?” Asked Terra.

“Over here!” Called a voice from on top of the desk. “Cricket’s the name, Jiminy Cricket at your service!”

Sora was particularly interested in him, coming close to the desk to stare at him. He’d never seen a talking cricket before.

“I’m very fast at taking notes, so you all can take turns sharing stories, and I’ll record it all!”

“Terra, let’s go first.” Urged Aqua. “After all, we were the first ones to see Maleficent in The Underworld.”

“Right, so let’s start there. Are you ready Jiminy?”

As they began their story, Mickey nudged Riku. “Can I talk to you for a minute?”

“Sure, what’s up?”

“Come with me.” He beckoned to the door.

In the hall, the two travelled next door to Mickey’s private study. A small room, with much fewer books. There was a desk with two chairs in front of it, both occupied. A desk lamp was on, as well as a fire in the fireplace. Overall, the room may have been much more cozy than the library, but tonight, it just felt dark.

Perhaps it was the presence of two very powerful individuals that made the room feel forbidding.

“Oh, Master Yen Sid, Ansem the Wise. I didn’t know you were here.” Riku said as Mickey closed the door.

“I’m sorry we were unable to greet you sooner. We took dinner here in the study, as there is much to discuss.” Answered Ansem.

“About what? And why only me?”

Yen Sid stood, offering his seat. “Because, there is a traitor in our midst, and you are the only one we can trust at this time.”

That was startling. “Me? Only me? What about Kairi! There’s no way—“

“Kairi is not a Master, so she will not be burdened with this information.”

“I...I guess...but I still find it hard to believe that Terra, Aqua, or Ventus could be traitors...”

“They are not suspects either.”

Riku frowned, now thoroughly confused. “Perhaps you should explain everything to me...”

#kingdom hearts #fanfiction #kh #sora #kairi #riku #donald duck #goofy #Mickey Mouse #aqua #terra #ventus #rage awakened #tarzan au #feral!sora

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problemsofabooknerd · 6 years

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My Personal Sexuality Journey

Pride Day 6!

Check out the intro to my Pride project here.

For the past few days, I have mainly been discussing books on this blog. Which is, hey, the topic of the blog so that makes sense! But today I want to get a bit more personal. I identify as a lesbian, but that has not always been the case, so today we’re going to get into the nitty gritty of my sexuality journey. It’s... long.So, I hope you’re all ready.

So, to begin with, I am not one of those “well, I’ve just always known” sort of people when it comes to being hella queer. I grew up in a hyper-religious area in Utah, and we were not exposed to a lot of queer content in any variety. My parents were always cool with The Gays, but it wasn’t a topic that was really openly discussed. I think Glee was possibly my first exposure to a visibly queer character, and that show started when I was in high school. So, basically, I didn’t have any inklings I might not be straight until college. But first, let’s go back to high school a bit.

When I was a junior in high school I managed to nab a boyfriend for about a minute and a half. The thing about being attracted to girls when you don’t really know that’s an option is that, at least in my experience, you start to assume attraction must just feel like ah, I would very much like to be friends with that person. This is probably what a crush is. I’m not saying that’s not an authentic way to crush, because I definitely think it is, but when I was young and sure of my heterosexuality, I rationalized that the desire for friendship and hanging out was actually me wanting a relationship.

I hung out with lots of guys in high school. They were cool, awkward, nerdy guys and I liked being friends with them. I also knew they liked me, so I was willing to go on dates or to dances should one of them ask.Which is how I wound up with my high school boyfriend. He was sweet, we shared a sense of humor, and I loved being around him. Shockingly, it was whenever he wanted to move past friendship activities that I felt stifled and uncomfortable. I didn’t understand what it was at the time, that fear or that resistance, but I knew that I couldn’t continue forwards in a relationship. I ended it, frustrated because I felt like I was losing a close friend rather than a romantic partner. It was a ridiculously confusing and frustrating time all around.

After high school, I went on a date with a friend’s cousin. He was what I perceived as my type, awkward and nerdy, and I knew he liked me. We went to his place after dinner and he tried to make out with me while I argued that he was missing important plot points of the first episode of Sherlock. He was shoving his tongue in my mouth and I was upset because they were dropping hints on screen that would be revealed later and oh my god when they break down the mystery at the end you are going to be so confused.

So.... that was one of the gayer situations of my gay life.

In college, I moved out of Utah and across the country to New Jersey where I attended an exceedingly queer liberal arts college. The new friends I was making were - at least I assumed at the time - the first gay people I had ever met. This later turned out to be absurd, as I’m not the only person at my high school who has since come out. But here they all were! Queer, vibrant, and proud. And I was so excited to be a part of a world where you could be who you are, even though I knew I was definitely, absolutely, without question the Straightest™ person I knew.

Cut to me meeting a girl my second day of orientation. Cut to me suddenly being thrust into a friendship a lot more intense than any other friendship I had been a part of. Cut to the end of Freshman year.

My second year, I became roommates with The Girl. Yeah, yeah, yeah, I’ll stop being all weird and secretive. Most of you know I fell for my roommate, and that her name was Janel. But my college self, who was confused by attraction and by what the intensity of certain feelings towards people meant, had no idea.

Despite the fact that the people around me were telling me that what I was describing was clearly romantic, I didn’t want to admit to myself they might be onto something. I was even confronted a few times about how I identified at school. Here I was, this girl with short hair who was super close to her roommate. Like, we held hands. It was, um, super gay. It was super, super gay and I wouldn’t talk about it.

I knew I might want to kiss her. I also knew I didn’t want to be one of Those Girls that makes out with their queer friend and then backs out immediately.

See, because the thing was, I knew she wasn’t straight. And that added whole other levels to the situation. I knew if I kissed her she wouldn’t mind. And that was a big, open possibility that scared me right to the back of the questioning closet.

What if I kiss her and I don’t feel anything?

What if she wants to kiss me back and I hurt her?

What does it mean if I want to kiss her?

What if I kiss her and I do feel something?

Am I gay?

Am I bi?

Is it just her?

What if I hurt her what if I hurt her what if i hurt her?

That’s basically the first semester of sophomore year in a nutshell. And then, one night, things reached a tipping point of sorts. We were playing Friends trivia and drinking absolutely foul sweet tea vodka and lemonade. We were beyond drunk, and when she asked how I would feel about her kissing me, I said she should.

When I woke up the next day, I was scared. And I panicked. Because it had definitely meant something, but that meant I wasn’t straight. And I didn’t know how to deal with a self that wasn’t straight. I had no blueprint for that, so I said it didn’t mean anything. And I hurt her.

The thing is, I always take time coming to terms with things. I’m not necessarily scared of change, but I’m scared of becoming someone new. Because I don’t know that person, and I’m intimidated by people I don’t already know. I’m scared of telling others the ways I have changed, and forcing them to relearn me. It feels like a process, changing part of your identity, and that process was too big to conceptualize. So I made bad choices, I ran, and I spent a month and a half of winter break trying to decide who I was.

When I came back to school, I felt like I had a new version of myself I could live with. My personal identity, the words I used, they didn’t matter. What mattered is that I loved her, and I wanted to be with her. Thus began the portion of my life where I identified as idk I guess I’m just attracted to pretty people. I think I stole that one from Orange is the New Black, probably because that show is terrified of saying the word B-I-S-E-X-U-A-L. Shhh, don’t let the showrunners know that it’s real and out there!

After a while, I got into the bi pride side of tumblr. It vibed with me and how I felt about myself. Part of being able to accept my same gender attraction came from Korrasami - two bi girls who fell for each other in Legend of Korra. It came from reading miles of Dean Winchester is bi meta. And finally, after a few months, I was able to accept that label for myself. I had a boyfriend in high school and I thought David Tennant was pretty, which meant of course I still had to fit my relationships with men somewhere into my sexuality. I was bisexual, and I wore that word with pride.

It took a really long time to not identify as bi anymore. I mean, when I semi-came out to my grandmother I was still using the word “bisexual” to describe myself. I wouldn’t tell anyone else that word, anyone but Janel, but it felt like maybe it was a place for me to meet in the middle. To still know myself, but to know myself better. I could be the person I was, but I could also be someone new.

For a while on YouTube I was like ~undercover gay~. Like, in a “everyone knows” way but also in an “I don’t talk about it” way. My family watched my channel, and I wasn’t ready for that conversation. I adored my girlfriend, but there was still this constant underlying terror that I would hurt everyone around me if I changed again. If I told my family my identity, and it changed, I didn’t know how anyone would be able to deal with it. I didn’t know if I would be able to deal with it.

I was also terrified of the word “lesbian”, but like that’s a whole other list of internal shit I don’t want to get in to because this post is long enough as it is.

When I finally started to use the word “gay”, it felt like a step in the right direction. But it was also a tiptoe. I said it, terrified people would come out of the woodwork asking about my past relationships and interest in men. That they would confront me for thirst posting about popular tumblr dudes on my fandom blog. I whispered the word and it maybe felt right, it maybe felt like a little zing in my chest, but it also felt like leaving a part of myself behind. Maybe a part I wasn’t comfortable with and never had been, but still this definite chunk of who I had been was just no longer a part of how I was identifying myself.

And that’s fucking terrifying.

Gradually, lesbian became my word. It became a word that encapsulated why I never felt fully comfortable around men. Why I didn’t want relationships with them. It became an affirmation for the fact that I had always had an underlying attraction to women. I felt more confident when I saw Willow Rosenberg, a girl who had a boyfriend in high school, identify confidently as a lesbian in college. Because that was my story and it was ok for that to be my word. It helped me feel more confident in my attraction to women in general, and in that confidence I was able to recognize a difference in how I felt about men.

My sexuality journey was long, and it was difficult. It involved trying things that were scary, and stepping out of a self I knew to find a self I loved so much more. The confidence I found in grasping and being able to explain new parts of my identity made me happier and stronger than I had ever been in my life. Lesbian is my word. I use gay, I use queer. They are all me. But when I walked at Pride this year, it was a lesbian flag I had pinned on. Because it encapsulates me and makes me feel safe.

It makes me feel proud.

Now, real fast at the end here, a couple of notes. Bisexual was a stepping stone word for me, but that doesn’t mean it’s a stepping stone sexuality. It was a word I needed to help me figure out who I was, but that does not remotely encapsulate what being bisexual is. I have known girls who used lesbian and then knew that the word bisexual was more theirs. I have seen people who always knew that bisexual was their word. So I am in no way putting my experiencing of identifying as a person with multiple gender attraction on some kind of all-around temporary status. Bisexual peeps, your word is valid and so are you.

Also, my word doesn’t mean I eliminate trans folks. The word lesbian includes trans women, and I’m not here to have an asinine argument with anyone about that. Just putting it out there.

This was a long one, but sexuality is so goddamn difficult and it took years for me to start to learn about myself. And I’m still learning. Maybe I’ll find a new word someday that fits like a glove, and that will be scary but it will also be okay. And if you don’t have your word yet, and maybe you don’t want a word, that’s okay too. The most important thing is finding a way to be happy with yourself, whatever way you choose to package it. It’s about doing research, trying scary things, and maybe feeling like you can find a way to know yourself a little better one day at a time.

Alright, that’s where I am going to wrap up. Thanks so much for reading about my messy process of self discovery, and feel free to share your own stories too - in a reblog or a message. You are all beautiful and your experience is valuable. I’m just here to share a little bit of mine.

#pride #pride 2018 #coming out #lesbian #queer #lgbtqia+#about me #my post

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scriptmedic · 7 years

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Nothing Like a Lightswitch: M’s Husband’s 3-Month Coma (Part 2)

A week ago today, we published the first half of an interview with “M”, whose husband was in a 3-month coma back in the early 2000s.

It’s one of the posts I’m proudest of in the history of this blog.

This post is even better.

In this half of the interview, M shares what she wishes writers would and wouldn’t do when writing about comas. About survivors. About the strain on families and purse strings.

M, if you’re reading this, thank you. Thank you again.

Aunt Scripty: What would you tell writers to make sure they get right when describing comas, and their care?

Doctors and nurses do encourage family to talk or read to the patient. Having arguments in the same room is strongly discouraged.

They will kick family out if they deem they not taking care of themselves. Family is asked to leave for a little while on a fairly regular basis so the nurses can do their jobs without family or friends being underfoot. The nurses will also come in regularly while the family is there to do a regular check and change IV bags and such.

I did not actually see the more invasive parts. (Moving the patient to avoid bed sores, dealing with bodily fluids, and for the life of me I cannot remember what they did with solids.)

The family or at least the person who is in charge of making medical decisions will be meeting with the doctors regularly for updates they will also like get called for emergency decisions while not at the hospital.

Those decisions can be many and varied. In my experience it was mostly, we need to do x, and we need your permission to do it.

The main point I would insist on is that there is no miracle, “wake up and they are okay.” It is not quick and it is not pretty.

I seriously cannot think of a single book or movie where their treatment of comas and the recovery has not completely snapped my sense of disbelief. Kill Bill comes immediately to mind as it completely doesn’t work that way.

Whatever put them in the coma doesn’t just disappear when they wake up. If it was a medically induced coma it still doesn't erase the original reason the doctors decided to put them in the coma.

The doctors really don’t want to put someone in a medically induced coma.

I also want writers to realize that awake and aware are two separate things. Awareness also has several stages. The whole “someone wakes up and begins to talk” thing needs to stop. That control over their body is also a gradual process (of course depending on the time in the coma and why).

Muscle loss is going to be a thing, even if it is a fairly short time. Weight loss will happen no matter what the staff does, partially because of the muscle mass loss. PT (physical therapy) will likely be needed unless it was a very short time period. OT (occupational therapy) as well.

Nerve damage can happen! Even if that part of the body was not affected by the original cause for the coma. Bed sores are a real thing, it takes lots of repositioning by the nurses and luck to avoid them.

Depending on the length of the coma the patient’s body may have extra holes in it that will need to be closed and heal after their recovery is under way (GI at least). They are likely to need to be fed through said hole for a while, eating is something their body may need to relearn how to do.

If there was brain damage it can take up to two years to heal, if it’s going to. Though after that there is little chance of regaining lost cognitive abilities.

On the other side remember how much this disrupts the lives of family and friends, but also remember that these people have to somehow keep their own lives going enough to do things like pay bills (and possibly cover the bills for the patient) and feed themselves.

A lovely thing for writing is that this gives plenty of opportunity for people to take their stress out on one another or throw blame or form closer bonds.

People close to the person in the coma can get PTSD. Relationships that previously were good and healthy can blow up. Friendships can be lost.

As a side note, brain damage can cause personality changes. This can be huge or it can be things that only someone truly close will notice. For us his body language changed a lot. Which threw me for a loop. The little signs that he was open to help or not were not the same. Signs of frustration were different. The little shifts that use to mean he was interested or disinterested had changed as well.

Aunt Scripty: What were some things that happened that you didn't expect during his care? What did you expect to have happen that didn't, or were very different from your expectations?

The major surprise at the time was no one else had any idea of how this could have happened either. That it continued to not make sense to some of the best neurologists in the field. Looking back it make much more sense now, brains are weird and doctors don’t always have the answers we want or need.

At the first hospital they actually had him prone because of the pneumonia. That startled and scared the hell out of me.

I think by the time he was at [MAJOR MEDICAL CENTER] I didn’t have any expectations, I was already shocked and confused.

Looking back something that does confuse me is that no one ever suggested that I or his parents find someone to talk to mental health wise.

Aunt Scripty: Can you talk a little bit about the financial aspects? This can’t have been cheap.

Writers should also take into consideration (at least in the US) that Neuro ICU is not inexpensive. At the time just the stay in the ICU was over $10k a day and that was early 2000s.

Dealing with the insurance was a headache and a half on top of everything else. And we were lucky, our insurance was very good and did not have an upper cap.

After the first few weeks I had a direct number to call a specific person at the company so I didn’t have to explain the whole situation again and again. We still had to talk regularly.

One of the big things I remember was one of the drugs they wanted to try to control the seizures was new to the market. I remember the time release version came out a few year later. So at the time it was really expensive and the insurance refused to cover it at first but one of the specialists wrote up a detailed reasoning of why that drug in particular was important and it was cleared.

I don’t remember what the deductible or copays were but I paid those and had to pay for the transportation out of pocket but did get refunded eventually for most of that.

The eventual total was mind boggling and terrifying, I received the bills for it while the insurance company was still sorting out its end.

For just the stay in the Neuro ICU the bill was well over a million dollars.

That did not include the stay at the first hospital before he was transferred. It did not include the time once he was out of the ICU. It did not include the physical therapy that took months. It did not include the surgery he had to do to get the feeding tube out. It did not include the occupational therapy. It didn’t include follow up care or his meds, that without he would die. I think the meds would have been over one thousand dollars a month without insurance.

Besides the medical bills, life continued to go on around us. Student loans had to be paid. Even though our landlords were amazing and dropped our rent by an insane amount I still could not afford it.

His credit card bill still had to be paid on top of my own bills. I did not have access to his bank account and his parent refused to sign the paperwork that would give me access to pay for just his bills. Car payments still had to be made.

The constant calls from the hospital disrupted me at work so much and I was spending as much time as I could at the hospital that in the end I ended up quitting.

Again here I was lucky, I could move back in with my parents and had some savings. But factor in the gas and parking and car care for at least 6 months of traveling to the hospital or rehab everyday. Oh and food while at the hospital if I remembered to eat.

I had to fight the insurance to get him the physical and occupational therapy he needed to become functional again. Then continue to fight for his meds to be covered as they were changed many times trying to find the best combination.

So that’s where we stand. And personally, all I can say is holy shit.

I’ll just be over here in the corner, crying softly and screaming at the American healthcare system.

Thank you yet again to M for her time, her words, her experiences, and for baring her own burdens as the family of a coma survivor.

I encourage anyone with a similar story to reach out to me on Tumblr, or at auntscripty {at} gmail {dot} com. I would love to hear your story.

Be safe, be well, and I love you all.

xoxo, Aunt Scripty

disclaimer

#coma #interview #masterposts

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vincentbnaughton · 7 years

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How We Planned The Beach House Kitchen

The beach house kitchen will be our seventh kitchen project (!!!) after redoing three of our own (this one is our favorite), a showhouse that we did in 2014, a spec house for a local builder in 2016 (seen below – we loved that awesome blue tile), and a local teachers’ lounge makeover that we designed last year.

And while that sounds like a lot of kitchens to have under our belts, the process can still feel pretty daunting – probably just due to the sheer number of decisions that a kitchen reno brings. “What’s the most functional layout? Is that too many drawers or not enough? Will I live to regret the lighting? Is it all going to come in within budget?” So many questions. And decisions. And changing of minds.

But as much work as it is to plan, stress, overthink, and replan a kitchen – it can easily be one of the biggest improvements you can make to a house. And now that we’re so close to FINALLY installing the beach house kitchen (hello light at the end of the tunnel!), we thought we’d take you through the steps (and kitchen planning tools) that we used to make our plan.

That photo above is what the space looked like as of last week. The lights are hung, trim is getting painted, and the floor holes are all patched with matching reclaimed pine. Once they’re sanded and sealed we can begin the kitchen install! It’s feeling very real all of a sudden. And it’s a far cry from what it looked like when we first started planning the space last year:

I won’t rehash all of the floor planning we did (it’s in this post) but you can see where we ended up below. Well, mostly ended up (the master bath got rearranged one more time to accommodate a shower). But the important part is the kitchen, which you can see in the upper left of these schematics:

We made those initial floor plans in Photoshop (like I’m sure all the professional architects do…. right?) so it wasn’t precisely to scale and not even close to something we could rely on to order cabinets. So having made the decision to order our cabinetry from Ikea, we turned to their free 3D kitchen planning software.

It’s not my favorite interface in the world (you can read all my pros & cons in this post) but if you’re using Ikea products, it’s a great way to plan the precise items you’ll need. We also used it when ordering our laundry room cabinets and our bonus room built-ins (shown below), both of which we’ve been very happy with – so Ikea was a no-brainer for keeping the beach house kitchen looking good, without costing a fortune.

We went through a few different ideas and layouts within the software – like do we do upper cabinets or skip them? We eventually landed on no uppers, just because we’re suckers for open shelves and the cabinets were looking pretty heavy in the rendering, even in white (we want the room to feel balanced, not left-heavy with too much stuff on that wall as you walk into the room). And since this is going to be a weekly vacation rental, nobody is going to be living here for months on end, so we realized we’d have plenty of storage space for vacation goers – especially with the extra cabinets that we added to flank the back door.

One challenge with the Ikea software is that you can’t pull in products that aren’t theirs – so I couldn’t render our 40″ pink stove or the exact dimensions of the fridge we’ve had our eye on. And I can never get their shelves to look the way I want (this is reminding me that I really need to relearn Google SketchUp). So the renderings are a little imperfect, but this one is probably the closest to what it’ll be like (just add sconces, pendants, and shelves in your mind).

Before ordering, we also loosely mapped things out in real life to make sure we liked the clearance of everything. You can see our fancy stand-ins for the island. Not the big saw, just the wood scraps on the floor. Told you they were fancy.

It’s also pretty hard to get a sense of the finishes in these renderings, so we ended up making some mood boards to be sure we liked the road we were headed down. Here’s the final one, but I’ll show you how we got to this mix in a second:

1. Stove / 2. Faucet / 3. Hood / 4. Sconces / 5. Island Pendants / 6. Counter (inspo pic) / 7. Cabinet doors / 8. Fridge (inspo pic)

From the get-go, Sherry and I both agreed we wanted this kitchen to feel casual and unfussy. The beach is supposed to be relaxing, so we wanted the kitchen to feel the same way. One of our first big inspiration pictures is shown above as #7, because it just looks very chill. Still plenty nice, but not too formal or uptight (which is generally right where we’re aiming with this beach house). Sorry, I can’t find a source better than this one.

The flat-fronted cabinets really stood out to us in that picture because we’ve never been drawn to them before. They always struck us as crazy modern or too commercial (like a school cafeteria from the 90’s). But after hunting down more inspiration photos on Pinterest, we were officially flat-front converts for the beach house.

(sources: left image, right image)

We haven’t chosen hardware yet because we’re waiting to see how everything looks once we have it installed – but the idea of leather pulls is pretty cool (and clearly they’re very popular with flat-front drawers). We’re considering a few other options, and we also might try to hunt down some wood knobs to play off of some of the old wood doorknobs in the house.

(sources: left image, right image)

We haven’t bought anything yet because we’re hoping the right choice will be much clearer once we can actually hold up some samples in the finished space, but here are a few of the ones we’re considering: 1 / 2 / 3 / 4 / 5 / 6 / 7 / 8 / 9

Another big source of inspiration for us is Orlando’s kitchen. He revealed it on Emily Henderson’s blog right around the time we were ordering ours, so it helped us lock in our decision to do butcher block counters (we actually switched our plan last minute to get the exact ones that he chose – these from Ikea). We even ordered extra butcher block so we can make our floating shelves from the same stuff.

(source)

People have mixed feeling about butcher block in a rental, but we like that it’s affordable (like 10 times more affordable than some other options) and we LOVE that we can sand and refinish any major beatings that it might take (can’t say that if someone cracks/scratches/stains an expensive stone slab). We’ve actually heard a ton of helpful info from those of you with butcher block counters about how to seal them / treat them so they look good and last, so we’ll definitely be sharing all of that once they’re in (and we’ll be honest about how they hold up too – so stay tuned for photos and stuff as they get used and abused).

Orlando’s kitchen was also reassuring because he used the exact fridge we were considering. We don’t have space for a large fridge and we worried this one might look cheap, but – phew! – it looks great.

All of these decisions were made back in April, and we happened to lock everything in right as Ikea was having their semi-annual Kitchen Event Sale (more on that in podcast episode #52). The total (for cabinets and counters) would’ve been about $3200 – but we got 20% off our entire order thanks to the sale. Which saved us about $600 and brought the total closer to $2,600. That even includes the sink, soft close drawers/doors, and a pull-out trash can!

But even with most of the big items ordered, we still had lighting to figure out. Our first challenge was actual brightness, because I, John Petersik, am a lighting over-thinker to the Nth degree. First, we nixed the idea of adding recessed can lighting because we worried it would feel too “new” for the look we wanted in this 100 year old house. We have a few recessed lights elsewhere, so we’re not totally against them for the house, but the kitchen/dining room ceiling is SUCH a large plane, we wanted to avoid having a bunch of glowing circles dotting those pretty extra-high ceilings.

In the past we’ve relied on recessed lights to provide most of the functional lighting in our own kitchens, with pendants providing task and accent lighting. But in the beach house, our kitchen lighting – two island pendants and three sconces (along with two lights over the dining table nearby) – would need to do it all. So we quickly realized we needed to nix anything with a solid shade, so that every bulb could cast light in all directions instead of just shining it down. For instance, anything like the ones in our house’s kitchen were immediately out of the running. Sorry, guys.

Even with that no-shades rule helping us narrow things down, we still had a ton of lights that we were considering. So I mocked up this graphic to get a better sense of how our options looked with the rest of the kitchen. This was a failed option we were just playing around with at first (note the solid shades on both the sconces and pendants) but it was a huge help to see things this way. The subway backsplash isn’t for sure either, just a nice simple choice that lets us focus on what lights could work best:

We considered a few multi-light pendants, but most of them got eliminated for being the wrong style (these felt too modern) or so large that they dwarfed the island (or broke the bank).

A lot of the lights we typically would choose in a heartbeat (like these guys from Ballard Designs) felt too traditional for the vibe we were going for once we saw them in the mockup. Much of that had to do with the pink stove I think. It’s really cool and old and fun, but it might not lend itself to anything too formal.

The other thing we started bumping up against was scale. For instance, we started to think these beauties were the answer to all of our problems: glass shades, vintage look, right finish…

…but I was alarmed by 6″ measurement in its description (and that was the LARGER option they offered). My rendering above wasn’t to scale, so I started making a new version that was a bit more representative of size – particularly of the light in proportion to the eight foot island. That shed A LOT of light on the situation (pun completely intended). These were definitely too small.

I’ll cut to the chase. We ended up with this, as you saw in the original mood board up top. The pendants are 15″ wide and the clear shades allow them to throw light in every direction. Oh how I wish they were still on the Internet to link to them for you (they’re even prettier in person than in photos) but they seem to be out of stock everywhere. They were Trent Austin from Wayfair, so cross your fingers they come back someday.

We love how large the glass shades are without feeling heavy. The room instantly feels a lot closer to “done” with them hung, like they’re just begging for an island to be there. And the rest of the cabinets. And the appliances.

The sconces have shades that are wire mesh, so the light passes through them just like we wanted. We actually saw them in a showhouse shortly after ordering them and they looked GREAT all lit up. You can see how they’re not solid a bit better in this shot (there’s one more across the room too, which you can see in the second picture in this post).

Okay and one last mock-up. We also did this one that included plans for the adjacent dining area, just to try to picture how that would work with everything going on in the kitchen. Of course it has a pair of capiz pendants, because it wouldn’t be a beach house without Sherry’s favorite material of all time.

We opted for two lights over the dining table so that from the couch in the living room, the kitchen lights wouldn’t intersect at an odd place (once centered fixture would have). We also thought it would be fun to try two smaller pendants instead of one large chandelier. They don’t look great in the shot above because they’re hung higher than they’ll eventually go (and there’s no table under them to ground them). Oh yeah and the capiz is all still wrapped in its plastic shipping. Mummified capiz is the new black.

So that’s where we are. We’re headed out there soon to finish painting the tub upstairs and to see how a few last floor repairs went upstairs. There are just a few tiny things on the to-do list (like finishing a railing for the back stairs) and then floor sanding and sealing can begin! After that, we can finally get started on making this kitchen come to life… and finally get those boxes out of our garage, which I’m also pretty stoked about.

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