#but I love knowing who I am and what I'm capable of
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what my life is like as a permaregressor, and common misconceptions!
cw: long post!
being a permaregressor i think is sometimes viewed as a want by a lot of people in the community. i see many posts of people saying they wish they were permaregressors, how awesome life would be to be one, etc.
and that's fine! im not here to tell you i hate my life as a permaregressor, far from it. but it's definitely not all sunshine and rainbows, at all.
for those who don't know, i am a teen permaregressor. bodily i am 20 years old, but i am permanently regressed to about 13-16. this means i never really leave this headspace. i never grew up.
so, what's it like? not really all that different from the life of any other adult, really. i'd say the big major differences are that i don't feel like i relate to any other adults around me, and i have a more childlike/naive view on a lot of things than other people my age. i'd say it pretty heavily affects my stress levels though. i am also wildly more immature than people my age.
do i have the ability to act my age? absolutely. masking is a thing permaregressors are more than capable of doing. i have to mask in order to get through life, especially as someone who works full time to provide for myself and help out my family with bills and such.
it's really hard being a permaregressor in the real world, though. i have a pretty busy life outside of tumblr, i work, i take care of my pets, i see my family often, i go out with friends often, i do the grocery shopping for the house by myself a lot of the time, etc! its really quite stressful to do all of these big adult tasks when you feel smaller than everyone around you.
one big problem i see permaregressors who are bodily adults face, is the constant Infantilization we receive, often from other regressors. because we never fully leave our headspaces, we're told we can't do adult things because we can't consent (ex; to things like alcohol or drugs or other adult stuff). this is horrendously untrue, and many of us do not want to be treated like we're actual children. many of us WANT to lead normal adult lives. of course i want to be treated like im little when im regressed to a toddler or a kiddo, of course i wouldn't want to do adult stuff in THOSE headspaces, because they aren't permanent! i'm stuck like this for the rest of my life, and i shouldn't let it define me or force me to be a certain way. im bodily an adult and therefore i expect to be treated like one when in my permaregressed headspace.
i truly do believe this community should be a bit more educated on permaregression. i think people definitely look at it with rose-colored glasses. i also hope no one, especially other permaregressors, found this post to be too pessimistic! i love being a permaregressor, and i think everyone who is one should be allowed to love being one as well.
xoxo
#︶︶ ˚ babbling#sfw age regression#sfw agere#age regression#agere#age regressor#noncom agere#agere blog#sfw littlespace#permaregression#permaregressor#sfw little blog#agereg#sfw age regressor#agere safe space#sfw little#agere sfw#sfw interaction only
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Some of Gilbert von Obsidian's best quotes
[Warning: Heavy spoilers about Gilbert's route]
"Ahaha, what is the prince of Obsidian, if not rotten?"
"I hate people."
"No matter how hard I try not to, I can't help but be gentle with her. What kind of villain am I?" (—Gilbert talking about Emma to himself)
"(...) I hope you don't accidentally end up calling me 'big bro' or anything." (—Gilbert to Leon)
"(...) You were just saying what you really think. I don't think doing that is rude. And it's true I'm someone scary."
"I like you because you're so warm, little rabbit."
"Ahaha! You're so sassy. But I like that about you."
"I want to make things awkward for you."
"You can't just focus on the best of someone while ignoring the worst of them."
"If you were a bother, I'd kill you, so don't worry." *smile intensifies*
"...I'm no match for that pure, innocent gaze of yours. You're the only one capable of pushing me around, you know."
"Depending on what you say next, I might just take your head clean off." (—Angry Gilbert to Emma)
"(...) You nearly died. ...Do you have any idea how much that chilled me to the core?"
"The only thing I can ever be for you is a villain. ...Unfortunately."
"...Thank you. I almost got murdered by some dust."
"If you keep on lying over and over about being fine, I might just... Well, you can guess, right?"
"I found it in a book in the little rabbit's room. They need to understand what happens to them if they try to interfere with what's mine... Don't they?" (—Gilbert talking about a poisoned needle targeting Emma to Roderic)
"You said it, remember? You said you wanted me to learn to love Rhodolite. To me, you are Rhodolite."
"Those born with status have the right to do whatever they like to those who are lesser than them. That's what you want to say, isn't it? (...) Hmm? What's that? You look a little distressed for some reason. But I suppose that's no surprise. You see, I have the right to tyrannize you however I please, just as you tyrannized those children who had no one to protect them. I'm imperial royalty, and you're just a third-rate aristocrat. So I'm going to have to teach you just how different our social positions are... Aren't I? (...) Aren't you lucky that we're in Rhodolite? You've narrowly escaped death. If this was Obsidian, you'd be dead for sure. After all, we have no need for disgusting nobles who defile the purity of children." (—Gilbert to a Baron of Rhodolite)
"Wait, so you're telling me you baked cookies for another man, even though I'm right here. Ouch, that hurts."
"(...) if by chance I run into your dear papa, he'll kill me." (—Gilbert talking about Akatsuki)
"Welcome to Obsidian. (...) I introduced myself as Gilbert von Obsidian, didn't I? There's only one person in this country allowed to use the Obsidian name. And that's the emperor."
"There's nothing about you or me that makes one of us intrinsically inferior or superior to the other. Humans are all basically the same. And naturally, from a societal perspective, we probably need people who can take the lead. People who are capable, and talented, who can bring others together, and build a better tomorrow. That's a healthy way to be. I'm the ruler of a country that knows deception and decay all too well, so I understand better than most. That's why my ideal, my ambition, is to conquer all the royalty that have infested this whole continent, and free the people who are under their control."
"I wrote that story based on you. (...) Akatsuki told me a lot of stories about you, and they were always stories about you showing love and affection for others. He made it sound like you believed that the true nature of people is love, and that the happiness of others was what made you the happiest. The idea of living like that was repulsive to me, but at the same time, it made me curious. I got to wondering what sort of choices you'd make, if you were in the same position I was."
"You were bullying small children to amuse yourselves. That Rhodolitian might have stopped at just punching you, but I'm not that kind. Did I make military regulations or didn't I? And do those regulations say attacking non-combattants is forbidden, or don't they?" (—Gilbert to Obsidianite soldiers)
"Then how about you call me papa?" (—Gilbert to Luke)
"...Don't go. (...) I don't know... if I can hold on... until you get back. Being on my own... is lonely..."
"...You're the only one I'll ever love."
"I'm taking your daughter." *smile intensifies* (—Gilbert to Akatsuki)
"I'm not oppressing you with my power, it's just my love for you, overflowing."
"You can't do things like this with other men... Unless you want to see dead bodies."
"You're liked by everybody. A lot of the princes helped you out today. That's because people adore you, and they naturally want to help you out. They're all beasts with strong characters, but you're important to all of them. Do you know how rare that is? That means you're charming to everyone you meet. ...Including me, of course."
"There's no way I'd ever let anyone else kill you. It has to be me."
"I can't just bare my body for free."
"I've never liked seeing you clothe your body in things that other people have put their hands all over."
"Don't force yourself to talk. I'm not so narrow-minded that I'll go around saying you're disrespectful just because you didn't thank me. You're sick; you're supposed to just drink medicine and sleep."
"Wah, boohoo. I can't believe we were on different pages this whole time. I've given you my entire heart, and yet, look at what you've done with it! (...) Waaah, I'm so heartbroken that the only thing that could bury my sadness is world domination!"
"For his sake, I'm going to pretend I didn't hear him call me 'eyepatch bastard'. Rude." (—Gilbert's thoughts about Silvio)
"Her ability to right what was wrong, purify what was once sullied... It runs at complete odds with my nature. I may have truly met my match." (—Gilbert's thoughts about Emma)
"I blinked a few times as my vision seemed to expand all at once... and the little rabbit become clearer and even more beautiful." (—Gilbert's thoughts about Emma)
"I'm never letting you go. If you run away from me, I'll conquer the whole world and follow you to the ends of the earth if that's what it takes. No wait... I just need to control your heart, so that you'll never even want to leave me." (—Gilbert's thoughts about Emma)
"We all approach life differently. Chevalier slices hearts in two. I trample on them. But, you... You respect them."
"I wanted to see you bawling your eyes out."
"You're... the most beautiful thing I've ever seen."
"I like the little rabbit very much, you see. So I certainly hope that bold declaration of yours doesn't end up turning into a lie." (—Gilbert to Silvio, in Silvio's route)
#gilbert von obsidian#ikeprince gilbert#ikemen prince#ikemen series#cybird ikemen#cybird#otome game#cybird otome
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1,10, and 17 for sukuna and kento from the smutty one liners?
I'm definitely not whipped by them 😏
I didn't know if you wanted them together or apart, but I took this as my own challenge to write them as a throuple/threesome! I've never done this before so I really am so excited! Nanami is a curse user in this one
Both of them just toying with you all the time never helps your situation. You weren't wanting to fall for either of them. Sukuna is a loudmouth asshole most times, showing you just how aggravating the king of curses could be. Nanami was a bit more sullen and ignored you most days.
But they kidnapped you for a reason. They both lusted after you, and it wasn't going to change anytime soon. Sukuna was the one who presented the situation to you first, and you never thought that Nanami would join in on the fun either. But they both showed you that they were more than capable of giving you the pleasure you need while taking what they needed from you.
Sukuna is fond of leaving marks all over you with his many mouths, whereas Nanami makes sure you understand just how much you belong to both of them. You could never really wrap your head around the fact that these two even wanted to spend time with each other, but you seemed to come to terms with it as quickly as possible to deal with their sudden mood swings.
One night, Sukuna creeps into your room. He's been hard for some time now, and he's just not going to spend the night jerking off. He gets on top of you in bed, smirking as you slowly wake up. He grabs your hand and presses it to his cock.
"Feel that, little one? It's all for you."
You sleepily begin to stroke him, moaning pitifully at the way he's guiding your wrists. You're just locked in this trance of pleasuring the king of curses. He's grunting like a wild animal when you lean in to lap up the precum that's dribbling from the tip.
Kento opens the door and he chuckles darkly when he sees what you and Sukuna are doing. He makes his way over to the bed, kneeling on the other side of you. He takes your hand, bringing it to his own hardened cock.
"You like that, don't you? You love that we both want to use you."
Kento's words make your heart flutter. Need is pooling between your thighs with every throb of your clit. You're making the cutest little noises as you go back and forth from sucking Kento off and then Sukuna. They both goad you on, making you feel so filthy for doing this.
Kento then pulls your bottoms off, watching the way you cant your hips forward from lack of stimulation to your poor, swollen clit. He looks over at Sukuna and Sukuna notices just how needy you're being.
"Can you be good for us?" Sukuna asks, his voice menacing.
Kento sighs, "If you're good for us, we can make you feel so good, angel."
#bacon.writes#nanami x reader#sukuna x reader#nanami x you#jujutsu kaisen#sukuna x you#ryomen sukuna x reader#nanami kento x reader
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I'm not as nice as Nami is. I'm not, so don't expect anything too flowery or sweet or diabetes inducing. But I am here for you if you ever need it. And you will undoubtedly need someone in the next two years, and beyond that.
I know you said you're not going on the usual charade of... Competitive exams, that most of the country likes. And that's already a good sign for you. But science is hard. It will be. Your grades might plummet into the fucking ground, or they might slightly waver. And that's OK. It's not the end of the world.
I don't really want to get too personal, but I was a pretty.. good student lmao. Until grade 11 I had a rep for being that student who got a 95+ on every single test without studying. I'd open my books the day before the exam, and pass with a 99 with no effort whatsoever. Yeah, I was that asshole.
You won't be able to do that in 11th and 12th. Or ever again, really. Prepare yourself for that. If you are like me, and don't study until the final day and expected to get a 99, change that right now. It won't happen.
Now, it's going to be about consistency. Smaller efforts, but good ones, spread across every day. Your routine matters. The amount of sleep you get, the stuff you eat, the way you work through your day, everything will matter now. And not just for now, for ahead, too. So make sure you take care of your body, and your mind.
Work, but don't overwork. Have fun, but don't ignore your responsibilities for it. Nami's message mentions chaotic fun— I wasn't that type of person, not really. My fun was cool writing or drawing. Chatting with the people I love. Video gaming. And it's lovely! I'm not going to tell you how to have fun. But you should, because those moments of laughter will carry you through these years.
You're going to make friends, lose friends, make enemies and forget enemies. It'll happen. But the connections you make now will impact the course of your life for the next two years. When you enter conversations, do so with conviction. Know what you think and feel, and don't sway. Listen to opinions but don't let them take over your brain without cross checking it with your own thoughts first.
I hope you have people you can depend on. If nobody else, you have me and Nami. We're here for you.
Adults will tell you a lot, over the course of these two years. Listen to everything, but listen to it with a critical ear. You're capable of knowing what is and isn't important to you, personally. Stick to your guns, but be open to new suggestions. People will make personal quips at you, and they will hurt. Let them. But don't let them stick onto your being and pollute your awareness of yourself.
Mmm.. I don't really have anything else to say, not in particular. I know South India is a lot different to where I'm at rn, so my experiences will not be the same as yours. But I get it. I do, and so you can shoot me an ask or a DM anytime. I will be more than happy to help. Whether it's homework or just a vent, go for it, okay?
And above all, don't look back at what used to be, and what might have been.
When you take decisions, take them with consideration of all the information you have on hand right now. And once you've taken it, don't look back. Maybe later, with extra information, you will regret what you chose. It can happen. But you should be able to look back, and tell yourself, "No. I made that decision after considering everything I knew then. And so I do not regret the choice I made then."
You'll hear this a lot, but a set routine really really helps. I disagree with Nami, I don't think you will need late nights or overworking if you set yourself a routine. My routine changed depending on my schedule for the next day, but always make sure you get a minimum of 6 hours of sleep and some exercise, okay? It'll take you a long way.
And above all.
Anything, really.
Nothing else matters.
But be kind to yourself.
:)
I'm smiling so much with tears in my eyes. Again.
Thank you so much, Lune. Really. I appreciate this so much.
#💛💛💛💛💛💛#i'm having trouble putting what i feel into words but i'm genuinely grateful for your support. thank you.#and i repeat the same to you– you can also talk to me if you feel like it. i'm here to offer support too#and i appreciate you saying it like how you're comfortable with it that means a lot#asks: lune!#familia nami
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personal/professional anecdote related to my last reblog:
I remember when I was first starting out in my masters program back in 2014 and approached my advisor with my thoughts about how to affordably approach digital preservation of records, I received the most skeptical and condescending of responses, and it took the wind right out of my sails for the next two years.
my advisor: how interesting, can you demonstrate how this would work
me: well, no, but I can show you the website of a distributed digital preservation network in my home state that spreads the costs of maintaining the network across all participating member institutions, which lowers the barriers of access to small community archives and libraries
him: cool, can you bring up the website now?
me, getting out a pen and a notepad: no, I don't have a laptop, but I can write down the URL for you--
him, cutting me off: you don't have a laptop? you've enroled in a masters program here at [prestigious canadian university] and you don't have a laptop? you are going to struggle in my courses. you'll struggle in the whole program.
me, totally thrown off-balance and humiliated but trying not to show it: um, I have a desktop computer at my apartment. the graduate studies office said we could rent laptops from the faculty for completing coursework, and I've always taken my notes by hand--
him: if you are serious about this field, you really need to get a laptop.
me, wondering what any of this has to do with my ideas: I can't afford a laptop.
him, smiling and shrugging his shoulders: (:
it really bears mentioning that this guy's background and CV were why I applied to this program, put myself nearly $70K into student loan debt, and moved myself literally a cross a continent in the first place. (don't fret about the money; I have nearly paid it all off by now, but the me of 2014 certainly had no way of knowing that was going to happen.)
I just remember sitting across from this titan in the field while he smiled at me with this expression of pleasant condescension on his face, and I remember trying desperately to understand why my inability to be able to afford a laptop as new immigrant graduate student with barely enough money in the bank to buy groceries or cat food or make that month's rent had any bearing on the value of my ideas. (ideas which were, you'll note, about how to make digital preservation work when you don't have any fucking money.) what I can't remember is how I ended the conversation; I just know that I went home and shamefully begged my dad for help buying a laptop that neither of us could really afford to spend money on at the time.
it's been nearly ten years since I had that conversation with my advisor, and I am now what just about anyone would consider 'professionally successful' in my field, but that field is not digital preservation. because I was so shamed by this conversation, and I so completely internalized my advisor's attitude that my inability to afford this one piece of technology meant I was not 'serious' about the field. which is stupid, and I have the experience and self-confidence and success to my name now to know just how stupid that is.
anyway if I bump into him at an alumni reunion sometime, I think I'll tell him exactly how much his words undermined my self-confidence and changed my professional trajectory, and politely ask him to never say that to another poor, first year graduate student ever again.
#ray.txt#there's a lot I don't like about being in my 30s (all the aches and pains and not being able to turn my head all the way to the left)#but I love knowing who I am and what I'm capable of#and I will bend over backwards to help lift up other nervous young 20-something professionals#so that when they inevitably encounter a professor who has grown way too arrogant cloistered away in his ivory tower like this#they can bounce back from this bullshit
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at some point it's just like. do they even fucking like the thing they're asking AI to make? "oh we'll just use AI for all the scripts" "we'll just use AI for art" "no worries AI can write this book" "oh, AI could easily design this"
like... it's so clear they've never stood in the middle of an art museum and felt like crying, looking at a piece that somehow cuts into your marrow even though the artist and you are separated by space and time. they've never looked at a poem - once, twice, three times - just because the words feel like a fired gun, something too-close, clanging behind your eyes. they've never gotten to the end of the movie and had to arrive, blinking, back into their body, laughing a little because they were holding their breath without realizing.
"oh AI can mimic style" "AI can mimic emotion" "AI can mimic you and your job is almost gone, kid."
... how do i explain to you - you can make AI that does a perfect job of imitating me. you could disseminate it through the entire world and make so much money, using my works and my ideas and my everything.
and i'd still keep writing.
i don't know there's a word for it. in high school, we become aware that the way we feel about our artform is a cliche - it's like breathing. over and over, artists all feel the same thing. "i write because i need to" and "my music is how i speak" and "i make art because it's either that or i stop existing." it is such a common experience, the violence and immediacy we mean behind it is like breathing to me - comes out like a useless understatement. it's a cliche because we all feel it, not because the experience isn't actually persistent. so many of us have this ... fluttering urgency behind our ribs.
i'm not doing it for the money. for a star on the ground in some city i've never visited. i am doing it because when i was seven i started taking notebooks with me on walks. i am doing it because in second grade i wrote a poem and stood up in front of my whole class to read it out while i shook with nerves. i am doing it because i spent high school scribbling all my feelings down. i am doing it for the 16 year old me and the 18 year old me and the today-me, how we can never put the pen down. you can take me down to a subatomic layer, eviscerate me - and never find the source of it; it is of me. when i was 19 i named this blog inkskinned because i was dramatic and lonely and it felt like the only thing that was actually permanently-true about me was that this is what is inside of me, that the words come up over everything, coat everything, bloom their little twilight arias into every nook and corner and alley
"we're gonna replace you". that is okay. you think that i am writing to fill a space. that someone said JOB OPENING: Writer Needed, and i wrote to answer. you think one raindrop replaces another, and i think they're both just falling. you think art has a place, that is simply arrives on walls when it is needed, that is only ever on demand, perfect, easily requested. you see "audience spending" and "marketability" and "multi-line merch opportunity"
and i see a kid drowning. i am writing to make her a boat. i am writing because what used to be a river raft has long become a fully-rigged ship. i am writing because you can fucking rip this out of my cold dead clammy hands and i will still come back as a ghost and i will still be penning poems about it.
it isn't even love. the word we use the most i think is "passion". devotion, obsession, necessity. my favorite little fact about the magic of artists - "abracadabra" means i create as i speak. we make because it sluices out of us. because we look down and our hands are somehow already busy. because it was the first thing we knew and it is our backbone and heartbreak and everything. because we have given up well-paying jobs and a "real life" and the approval of our parents. we create because - the cliche again. it's like breathing. we create because we must.
you create because you're greedy.
#every time someones like ''AI will replace u" im like. u will have to fucking KILL ME#there is no replacement here bc i am not filling a position. i am just writing#and the writing is what i need to be doing#writeblr#this probably doesn't make sense bc its sooo frustrating i rarely speak it the way i want to#edited for the typo wrote it and then was late to a meeting lol#i love u people who mention my typos genuinely bc i don't always catch them!!!! :) it is doing me a genuine favor!!!#my friend says i should tell you ''thank you beta editors'' but i don't know what that means#i made her promise it isn't a wolf fanfiction thing. so if it IS a wolf thing she is DEAD to me (just kidding i love her)#hey PS PS PS ??? if ur reading this thinking what it's saying is ''i am financially capable of losing this'' ur reading it wrong#i write for free. i always have. i have worked 5-7 jobs at once to make ends meet.#i did not grow up with access or money. i did not grow up with connections or like some kind of excuse#i grew up and worked my fucking ASS OFF. and i STILL!!! wrote!!! on the side!!! because i didn't know how not to!!!#i do not write for money!!!! i write because i fuckken NEED TO#i could be in the fucking desert i could be in the fuckken tundra i could be in total darkness#and i would still be writing pretentious angsty poetry about it#im not in any way saying it's a good thing. i'm not in any way implying that they're NOT tryna kill us#i'm saying. you could take away our jobs and we could go hungry and we could suffer#and from that suffering (if i know us) we'd still fuckin make art.#i would LOVE to be able to make money doing this! i never have been able to. but i don't NEED to. i will find a way to make my life work#even if it means being miserable#but i will not give up this thing. for the whole world.
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shoutout to Nicasia for being the only one who figured out Jude was the mastermind behind the coup. Orlagh, Madoc, and Balekin, the Big Brained Centuries Old Antagonists, as well as the rest of Elfhame, all convinced her she was wrong so she gave up on trying to prove it after a while but the way she made Jude sweat was soooo girlbosses supporting girlbosses
#k calling balekin big brained is a stretch but he is supposed to know more about the entire thing than NICASIA#everyone else was like ''oh poor little jude tangled in a situation she isn't capable of handling all because she was useful that one time'#while nicasia was foaming at the mouth screaming ''NO YOU DON'T GET IT IT WAS HER IT WASN'T CARDAN SHE DID SOMETHING TO FORCE HIM INTO IT''#man i love twk. by far the best of the trilogy. what a cool book#tfota liveblog#now i could keep going and monologue about how repeatedly across books cardan and nicasia know each other so well and know how each is gonn#act or react in a situation and how the reason she was the only one who knew the truth was because she was the only one who got to see his#vulnerabilities and wishes but i'm not gonna do that bc it's 2 am <3<3<3<3<3
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🎉 [ Art from 2022-2023 ] 🎉
Happy Birthday to my most favorite person in the world, the love of my life 🖤
I still can't believe this'll make our 10th year of being best friends and even more I can't believe we get to celebrate our 8th anniversary this summer 💖💕
Commission Info | Ko-Fi | My Links
#I was gonna type out more but I decided I didn't want to be too sappy and emotional on main#so much has happened in these past 10 years#I can't believe I made it this far I really did not think I was going to have a future#but I did and I do#I have the most wonderful partner who I connect with in a way I never thought was possible#I am capable of being loved I am capable of loving in return#I learned how to love myself and be unapologetically myself for myself#I lost a lot of people and some very much for the better#I've become so so much happier my god I never thought I'd ever know what this felt like#I'm still angry and numb and having to battle depression but I've grown I've finally become someone worth being proud of#I'm no longer letting that anger and grief and everything that comes with it take over#I can't believe I've actually become gentler and kinder#I can't believe I've actually made genuine friends with people who are nice and caring and supportive#and are actually happy to see me and not trying to take advantage of me at every opportunity I'm finally seen as a person#I can't believe I'm finally in a safe environment I don't have to be terrified anymore I'm not going to be hurt anymore#I can't believe how far I've come creatively bc of how much bf has supported my every passion wholeheartedly#he is the reason I have a drawing tablet he is the one who encourages me and cheers on everything I do#god I still don't know how I could ever in my life thank you enough for every goddamn wonderful thing you do for me#you have changed everything for the better none of this would have ever happened if it wasn't for you#it's always been you#I fucking love you#more than anything in this universe and the next#forever and always#my art#glad I listened to my first tag lmao
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I've never been a "born in the wrong generation" type of guy because for So Many reasons I would be dead. Full stop like I would have died during childbirth I would have died of appendicitis age 8 and that's not even factoring in my queerness and neurodivergency and ultimately my mental health (carefully maintained thanks to support/modern advances in medicine and treatment). On Top Of That my hobbies include The Video Game and many such things that are of modern invention (adjacently: including The Device I'm typing this out on right now which has become my main avenue of communication to the outside world)
But I'm just saying that. It WOULD be nice. To exist in a world where fluorescent lighting doesn't exist and everything is possibly 99% less overstimulating all of the time forever.
#and like. a little less capitalist dystopia. i could do with less of that.#but focusing primarily on my own struggle. it's just a bummer sometimes like#i genuinely had fun!!! w my sisters and friends!!! esp at the arcade w ddr that is ALWAYS so fun#but man you can't even take me to your own damn house unless if you're ready to accept vampire rules.#my sister can/does dim the lights if i ask and i don't mind asking it's just fucking crazy to me like#damn uoy guys live like this. bright ass lights ten diff convos at once music in the bg. what if i died on this beanbag#BUT. THAT IS. one thing that is very nice i AM allowed to die on the beanbag!!!!!!! i'm allowed to cozy up and rest#while everyone does their own thing and i can listen in and chime in every now and again. severely underrated tbh#i really only feel a little hopeless when i think about like. public spaces where the only thing i can control is myself#IF i am ever employable again my requirements would be. no florescent lighting. i will die.#which like. kind of limits my prospects.#i do enjoy outdoors/physical work actually though so. i'm just limited bc i have to bind.#i am. so severely. banking on top surgery working out. it won't be a cure-all but by god it WILL open up my options#plus the. constant fatigue. of binding. but not binding is even worse. i need divine intervention (surgery)#SAD. well there are other people in yhe world#but man rhat is like my fave joke to make but i feel so much sadness attached to it. the world will move on without me.#there are a million other people who are far more capable. much 'easier'. ect.#and i know the answer is well there's only one me and there are a handful of people who love me. who keep me and include me#i am very thankful for that.#it's just a bit of a bummer sometimes. i stay silly and have the most fun i can but i am a little sad about it.
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how to write vent post title that does not come off as self-pitying and or accusatory (because it's NOT !)
#sorry tumblr is like a diary to me idk what i'll do w this blog after i (sigh) inevitably move on#either way#im convinced everyone hates me again :3 but realistically no one cares about me even enough to hate me im just stupid and self centred 💔#if anything me TYPING these posts is actuvely turning people against me#again with the assumptions that people care enough to read these 😭 fhskfbhsjfkg#i hate that i care so much what people online think of me cuz irl it's like. whatever#but here there are so many cool people who i admire and would love to be friends with im always hyperparanoid of everything i do#and still i manage to overstep and come off as annoying#like obvs you're allowed to hate me even if you're someone i look up to like that's your perogative#but i hate worrying about IF anyone hates me#oughgh this is easier irl because usually people send off pretty clear signals if they dont like you#but online (esp with how prickly this fandom is) i don't know whether im being insecure and reading into things or whether people just don't#like me (which again is fine i would just rather know if anyone gets it)#i figure art is the one way i can get people to like me 💔 which sounds kinda pathetic because irl i KNOW im liked and capable!#fandom has just become such a big part of my personality that i cant detach my self worth from it#and i do love art and drawing and such i hate that even if i know people my stuff EYE dont and it doesnt mean anything or act as a signifier#of my friendships#wow .... i really am my own therapist ..... i should shut up#the industrial revolution and its consequences (jofandom)#i think these posts are half self exploration half ... almost self harm? because sometimes im so derogatory about myself on purpose in a#'you're worthless' way. but at the same time it's cathartic and i always feel better having probed at my feelings and gotten them in order#not to do a complete 180 but it's MY post and JO LONDON IN *12* DAYS!!!!!!!! AHH i'm sooo excited if it doesnt live up to my expectations i#may cry a little. and there will be another vent post from me !#sometimes i wonder if anyone actually reads these 😭#vee rambles
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The worst thing about suffering is that it still hurts when the danger is over but no one cares about it anymore because it shouldn't hurt. No one will ever say "I'm sorry that happened to you" especially when they barely say "I'm sorry that's happening."
#Okay to tb btw all the personal stuff is in the tags#Like. Not eating for a week because you couldn't get groceries hurts#and people will say 'oof sorry that's happening' but then#after you're able to get food no one will ever say 'I'm sorry that happened' even though you think about it and hurt from it constantly.#No one will ever say ':( that must have been so hard' because you're fine now right???? No psychological damage there?????#This example is stupid but I do think about it every time I feel hungry. I told people I wasn't able to get groceries#and there was no food in my house. And they said. Oof.#Instead of idk Oh God Are You Okay ??#No one cares when you've been abused your entire life and behave the way you do out of genuine terror because your brain is fucked forever#They don't say 'I'm sorry that happened it must have been really scary to turn you into Such An Asshole. I pity you like a dog :('#Speaking of man everyone loves fucked up abused terrified dogs and wants to be the one who makes them open up#And shows them that people can be good and kind and that touch doesn't have to hurt#But everyone is scared of fucked up abused terrified people#Humans are capable of harm even more than dogs and fear is understandable but.#Can you please call me good boy and shush me and tell me nothing's going to hurt me and let me curl up on your lap#And not hit me if I get scared and start to growl and feed me good and take me on walks and play with me#Even though I'm not very fun to play with and I'm still learning what's fun and what's mean and what's a toy and what's a hand#Plleeeaaase don't be jealous of a dog that doesn't eat good don't say 'tch he's so thin what am I doing wrong'#I want to eat good and grow and gain fat and be warm and be comfortable I don't want this#Don't say 'if abused dogs don't eat good then I don't deserve to either' no no no no eat good so you can take care of us both#Please please please I learned so many tricks to make people happy and call me smart but I don't actually know how to do anything I'm#Literally like such a stupid dog it takes me like one day of no one paying attention to me for me to become un-housebroken#I make a lot of mistakes even though I know better or I really should know better#And sometimes do things wrong on purpose to get attention either yelling or showing me how to do it right#But most of the time I genuinely don't know how to do stuff because I was never taught or I was taught and#My previous owners said 'this is how it is. It is this way because it is and it is forever. The answer is Because.'#'now quit asking repetitive questions before I pop you'#If I do something Because and not know the reason why I'm doing it that's not learning that's acting#Especially habits taught specifically to hurt me and not being allowed to question it or know why I'm being hurt#Oh my god I acted out so much when I was younger and all my friends were so disgusted and hurt by me and yelled at me every day
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i really can't keep going and keep myself alive on my own, but i think i'm always going to be alone
#i'm really just at an impasse because how am i supposed to live alone and function and keep myself alive?#i just don't think that i'm capable of doing it alone but i'm always going to be#i don't have anyone and i never will#i can't really blame people#who wants some broken and useless barely functional mess in their lives?#who wants to deal with me always falling apart and always going through another disaster?#i'm cursed and there's not nearly enough positive to outweigh all of the bad for anyone#on the rare occasion that i make a friend i inevitably become too much#i'm too damaged and i needy#no matter how hard i try to hold myself together it's never enough for someone to love me#and i'm just so tired#i'm only 26 how am i supposed to endure a lifetime of this#sometimes it's all i can do to get myself out of bed in the morning#what's the point of being diagnosed as autistic if you still don't have any support?#nevermind the crippling depression and anxiety that's currently going untreated#i'm so horribly lonely and existing is so difficult#it doesn't even seem like it's worth it#and my life is never going to get easier because i'm never going to have any help or support or guidance to get through anything#i just... don't know what i'm supposed to do anymore#it's not supposed to be like this is it?#sorry i need to dump before i scream#my day was fine but i'm exhausted and now i've come home and everything is falling apart and i'm spiraling#vent post
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My brain has begun equating someone, whom I've not met nor had a conversation with, as a friend. I see him and immediately in my brain think "that's my friend" like NO, bestie he doesn't even know you exist calm down 😭
#platonic attraction#squishes#aromantic crushes#squishing#this must be what the allos feel with their crushes who don't know they exist. I want your attention but the idea of you reciprocating#terrifies me. is this social anxiety or am I aplspec. because I'm questioning a lot at the moment#I said I was demiplatonic but tbh I think I'm platonicflux. but I don't think I'll label myself that regardless how much I relate to it#the apl community has definitely helped me feel a lot more comfortable with my relationships. the loveless community also#even if I didn't love (I flip between feeling unsure if I do or not) it doesn't inherently make me a bad person. a person's capability#of feeling something does not determine their moral alignment nor their values.#YES this is about the youtuber I'm lowkey still squishing on! I have problems!! /j
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anyway i hope everyone saw this picture of daya and aquaria and Instantly thought of me (as whenever they take pictures together it is solely for my benefit)
#this is just a post to let all my adoring fans know i'm still alive~ mostly~ honestly who knows what's going awn anymore#things are happening all the time#i guess i'm taking a lil break from tumbl it's shocking but true that i am capable of shutting up#and obviously everyone saw this picture of daya and aquaria i love them so much#god i love daya...............#idk when i'll be back to full dayaslut posting everything is very 😵💫 right now#but i miss all the little gay people in my phone i hope you're all staying hydrated and whatnot#kisses you (platonically)
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my shoulder hurts
#sometimes i get really scared about turning into moms. like#that I'm basically just like the worst parts of my bfs mothers and eventually he'll hate me#idk. i have a lot of thoughts abt mom and stepmom in general. not all bad just a lot to think about w them#but yeah i just see a lot of similarities and it makes me kind of depressed actually lol. I'm like woof I'm rlly not good aren't i bc#I'm way less capable than they are. let alone my mother whose still going at it when she shouldve been chilling by now but#again im a burden. again i also don't see why we even came here to America like#ik my parents couldn't have predicted the fucking economy over here but god... why did they think we would make it here :/#idk man i literally hate America i resent that i am American and that the only parts of it i can love is that i make of it so i have to#actively participate in its development and culture and idfk#idk man i just wish i could rot but i literally can't because i have no one i genuinely want to affect in#i miss feeling normal but instead i dont do anything and wonder why i feel bad#idk. i know i shouldn't compare myself to ppl who have had more but also like. im objectively not as good at cleaning as the stepmom#im objectively not tidy as shown by my room and my inability to upkeep the fucking living room#like idk what they want me to do anymore i just feel like they hate me anyways forever lol
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so many blogs on here seemingly with a cult following for solely posting about dresses & fruit & their unemployment struggles whilst being very cutesy about it & everyone else sends messages like "oh you're so unique & irreplaceable" well probably this is true but also I would not know from how they post. feels like elementary school when girls would say this to each other & frankly they all were very boring! I'm not bored by the tumblr girlies I think they are all fascinating but in the way watching koi in a pond is fascinating... I don't really like modern ballgowns & I can't afford most fruit & I don't struggle with unemployment I excel at it so. maybe that's the difference between you & I miss lanalvr777
#I kinda get jealous of the solidarity so many young women seem to have (not materially but like. having compassion for one another)#my disabilities + my queerness make it hard for people to connect with me even when I'm really friendly#I don't mean that specifically people with more normative identities exclude me (though they do...)#I just mean I have real communication challenges & a lack of interest in the social dynamics that are easiest to learn#it takes a lot of effort for me to find people who care about me let alone can maintain a friendship with me#& they usually are people who demand more and have more needs within a friendship which is also limiting (not their fault)#so I just burn out of social life all the time#& I know what I want! I know what would fix it! I know what I need from my friends! but NONE of them are capable of it#it hurts so bad#I don't feel like I can even complain about it because obviously I'm just hard to love. but I love hard-to-love people all the time :(((#why am I not worth it?#I wish I had disposable income from part time work that would fix 90% of my problems literally within a week#but nooooooo we must toil for poverty conditions#and be lonely while doing it#in which they speak#vent#<- in case anyone blocks this type of drivel
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