Name: Burt the Ball
Debut: Yoshi’s Crafted World
Today’s post is very special, because we have a very esteemed guest joining us in the audience! Spikey’s very own grandmother is here, having heard so much about our posts, and she is delighted to attend this live post viewing! Everyone, it is my pleasure to introduce Mrs. Spikeworth!
“Oh, why, thank you, dearies! You’re too kind.”
(Now, just between you and me, I made sure to choose one of the most innocuous enemies I could, from an extremely family-friendly game. We need to make a good first impression! Anyway, on with the post!)
We all know and love Burt the Bashful, he is such a silly guy! A round guy with a big ol’ nose and funny striped pants. That’s our Burt! The poor guy is shy, though, so let’s give him his space. He is sheepish. Burt the Baaashful!
“Oh ho ho! How droll!”
Thank you, ma’am. Where was I? I wonder if people are tired of big Burts as Yoshi bosses. They sure do appear often! I think it’s good, because they are funny, but maybe there are some no-nonsense Yoshi fans out there who sigh and roll their eyes upon seeing the goofball pictured above. Oh well. Too bad. Yoshi’s Crafted World makes history by having a Burt boss NOT in the first world! And this one is a literal goofball!
Normally, a boss Burt is a small one enlarged by Kamek’s magic, but this case is a little different! Burt the Ball begins as a fresh, deflated beach ball, and is dropped into these big ol’ pants that were just hanging here. Are these even his? I don’t think we have conclusive evidence! It must be bad enough to be made aggressive against your will, but it’s downright insulting to get put into somebody else’s pants. What if they saw?! So embarrassing!
“My, I do like that the kids still get to see clothespins in their games today. My grandson is always trying to get me to use that new drying machine, but I swear my petticoat shrinks unless it’s dried the old-fashioned way!”
Yes, Mrs. Spikeworth, thank you for the, um, timeless wisdom.
I think Burt the Ball’s transformation is quite a sight, as we get to see him inflate his appendages one by one, and he is rendered so realistically! Get a load of those seems! I can feel him. I imagine holding his hand. It is so easy and you should imagine it too, and we will all be connected through our bond with him!
In true Burt fashion, though, he needs to pull his pants up! Silly fellow, but it happens to the best of us. Maybe he needs to buy something to hold those pants up. Burt the Belted would be unstoppable! Anyway, we’ve dwelt on this silly cutscene long enough, let’s let the poor guy get his pants up already!
Oh! Oh. Oh my. I swear this game is rated E. Can we, um, get that off the screen, please?
“What’s that, dearie? Dreadfully sorry, I’m just wiping off my glasses, I’ll look in a jiffy!”
Nothing, nothing! Just a, bug on the screen. NEXT SLIDE PLEASE
Here we have Burt the Ball and his adorable little apprentices! These are the Beach Burts, and they are in fact the only “normal” Burts in the game, as Burts only appear in this context! Not only that, these are the first ever Burt Variant. Big win for Burt fans!
As with all big Burts, the pants recede as he takes damage. Unlike other Burts, though, they for some godforsaken reason decided to actually depict- oh? Oh, it’s not there? Thank goodness. I do wonder where it went, but at least I don’t have to try to explain it now!
“I’m sorry, sweetie, explain what?”
Oh, just that... bug again, it’s, um, an invasive species, a lot to get into, wouldn’t be on-topic.
Anyway, that’s all today, and everyone please give a big hand to our special guest, the lovely Mrs. Spikeworth! We are honored she made the time for us on her way back home to the naturist resort!
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Helmut Berger, Burt Lancaster, and Luchino Visconti
— at a press event promoting Conversation Piece [Gruppo di famiglia in un interno], 1974.
"There was a certain moment," Berger said, "when I thought, I leave Luchino and go with Burt. Like a little girl, you know? But I cannot leave my old man for the other one, so I take them both, find an island and take care of them, cook for them. A fairy tale! I was really falling in love. Thank God the movie finished—I might have corrupted him."
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Burt: "Captain, you are a child of the universe. No less than a tree or a star, you deserve to be here. And whether or not it's clear to you, the universe is playing out as it should."
Me:
That hit me really hard. Like insanely hard. I was already crying but that was the icing on the cake and made me sob.
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