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lifewith2loopykids-blog · 6 years

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Bullying - a parent's feeling of helplessness and despair

Our beautiful 8 year old son is full of fun, he loves getting involved and joining in activities and his greatest pleasure is to make friends and make people laugh.

He was diagnosed with ASD in July 2017, something we were expecting as he is a very sensory little boy and a diagnosis for which we spent years battling so we could get him the appropriate support.

In the classroom environment he copes well and excels academically. However, he really struggles socially, despite all his efforts (or possibly, partially, as a result of them).

We didn't have a diagnosis when he started school but he was already under the care of a paediatric consultant as well as Occupational therapy, Physiotherapy and Speech and Language and school had been provided with all the relevant information.

Even so, he did not receive any support at the school, the Senco informed me that he was fine, just spirited. It transpired that she was clueless, just lazy!

The bullying started in the December of his first term in Reception - so his very first term in school when he was 4 years of age - a wonderful introduction to school life!! At least that is when we were first aware of it.

He arrived home from school with two huge scratch marks down his back, the result of the boy who was standing behind him deciding he didn't like him and was going to hurt him - just like that. They had been practicing their nativity play in the hall and, prior to the scratch, there had been no interaction between them. And so it began....

Over the next few months he would come home, almost on a daily basis, having been punched and/or kicked, covered in scratch marks, bruises or grazes and his glasses were broken on numerous occasions. All the action of one boy and the little posse he was rounding up.

How my son felt about his day was dependent on whether this boy had hurt him or not. The only good day he had at school was when this bully, T (who was in my son's class) , was off ill.

I was constantly speaking to his (ineffective, chocolate teapot of a) class teacher who took absolutely no action. Her response was to tell me that my child needed to calm down and learn boundaries.

I was desperate, my son was being hurt yet his teacher was doing less than nothing to help support him. I wrote numerous emails and letters to the Head Teacher and was constantly told that things were in hand.

In the March, my poor little boy was really struggling. He wouldn't talk about school (other than to tell me what he had eaten for lunch), he started bedwetting, having nightmares and crying out in his sleep.

His appetite was affected and my wonderful, bright, enthusiastic little boy was now sobbing on the way to school, saying that he didn't want to go.

I was full of despair and didn't know where to turn. I had spoken to school on so many occasions but nobody could shed any light on what was occurring. His class teacher would raise her eyes to heaven when she saw me coming - that's how little she cared and lacked respect about the whole situation, she just wasn't bothered.

This went on for weeks and I was at the end of my tether. How could I help my boy if I couldn't find out what was going on??

I am so lucky in that I have an excellent, caring, supportive friend whose son was also in my son's class. He told his Mum about something that happened on the playground.

One lunchtime, my son, C was playing on the playground when he was approached by T and two of his little gang. They proceeded to tease C and push him around and then T told the others that they should pull C's trousers down.

So two of these little monsters pulled my son's trousers and pants down in the middle of the playground. My child was pleading with them to stop and screaming for help but none came.

My heart broke for my little boy, he must have felt so alone and helpless and nobody came to his aide.

I sat with him that night and asked if something had happened at school "No, Mommy". I asked if something happened on the playground with his trousers "No, Mommy". I then told him that I had heard something happened with three boys (let's call them Tom, Dick and Harry) and that they had pulled his trousers down.

He then told me "No Mommy, Tom said to do it, Dick only thought about doing it but didn't, it was mainly Harry and Tom that did it".

My heart broke. I held my child and tried to comfort him as best I could. I told him that I would be going in to see the head teacher the next day as that should never have happened to him (or any other child). I stayed with him as long as I could before he needed to sleep, which he did that night for the first time in weeks.

I went downstairs and sobbed for my son. He had been carrying this by himself and trying to cope with it all and I have never felt so useless and worthless as a mother. I didn't protect my child.

The next morning I saw the head teacher. When I told him what happened, his response was "We have adequate supervision on the playground at lunchtime" (yeah right, and where were they all when my son was screaming for help?). His action with the bully? He took the positive reinforcement approach and the following Friday, T was given praise at the weekly Praise Assembly. What kind of message did that send my son? Needless to say, my son started the following school year in a different school.

Fast forward a few years and my son was now in Year 3, the first year on the Key Stage 2 playground. Around April time, his behaviour changed.

He would always struggle for a while after he came home from school, something I believe is quite common with children on the spectrum. They have been trying to act "normal" all day, to not stand out, holding all their anxieties and stresses in so that by the time they get home, they're like little pressure cookers needing release.

I was used to this and understood that he needed that time. However, around April this behaviour intensified and the upset and meltdowns were reaching new levels. He started wrapping himself up in his sheet when going to sleep, literally winding it around his head and body so that he resembled a little Mummy. Every night I would have to unwind the sheet from around his head terrified that he would smother himself in his sleep. He was obviously craving that sensory input.

I tried to decipher what was going on but was getting nowhere. He told me that school was "brilliant" or "perfect" and no other details were forthcoming.

I called into the school, spoke to the Senco and the Parent Liason, but they didn't know of any issues. His class teacher said he was coping brilliantly in the classroom and seemed happy and settled so whatever was going on was happening on the playground.

This went on for weeks and, again, I felt helpless and in despair that I couldn't find a way to help my son.

One Sunday morning, as we were leaving his football training, I got a phonecall from a Mum of a boy in his class. He had told her that C had been the target of two boys for a few months and they had been bullying him, physically and verbally for all that time.

I burst into tears, partly in relief that I finally knew what was going on and I could finally take some action to help him.

When we got home I asked him if anyone had been hurting him - "No Mommy". Then I said, what about 'X'. I asked if X had been hitting him "Yes Mommy", had he been punching, again Yes, tripping him up "no Mommy, not really", pushing him to the ground "yes", saying mean things "yes".

I then asked who this person played with and we went through the same questions for each of those children. I told C that I would be going to speak to the parent liason the next morning.

As it happened, she wasn't available so I asked to speak to the head teacher. She was very busy with overseas visitors who had just arrived in the school but she took the time to see me briefly.

I filled her in on everything that had been happening and she told me that she would deal with it personally that day.

She phoned me that afternoon to inform me that she had spoken to the two main culprits and they admitted what they had been doing. Both boys were shocked that they had been found out as they knew that C wouldn't tell 😢

She had spoken to the boys' parents and also made a note of what transpired in case there were any future incidents.

I spoke with C and let him know what had transpired and pointed out that within 24 hours of my finding out about the bullying action had been taken to stop it and help him. I explained that my job was to keep him safe but I can only do that if I know what is happening.

He looked at me and said "Mommy, why are you crying? You are making tears come in my eyes". I held him and told him that I was upset because he had been trying to deal with this all by himself and that upset me because he has so many people who will help him.

I am hoping that our little boy will realise that he can turn to us when things happen so that we can help. My job is to keep him safe and I will always strive to do my best to achieve that. Any bully will face the wrath of Momma Bear 🐻

#stopthepain #helpmychild #bullyingmuststop #whattodowhenyouknowsomethingswrong #despair #asd

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