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saikagerights · 4 years

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Newlyweds- A Saiino Fanfiction

Gee has this idea transformed into its own monster. Last week I had the idea of writing out a few headcanons about Sai that were meant to be separated from the journal, which is also the reason why I haven’t updated.

It is still coming btw, I just wanted it to write this out first. This fic had started out as a few ramblings, so I personally had problems with structure. Luckily, I found my way through and made a cohesive story.

Anyway, I had to restructure this so many times, but I was hoping to use this as a way to cheer up @bauschblog. I hope it doesn’t look rushed.

Hope you enjoy!

*edit. I wrote and posted this days ago, but it never appeared in the tags, so I am posting a second time and deleting the first post. Thank you for your patience

Also available on AO3

If you ever asked Ino if she got what she wanted in life, then you would receive a yes and a no.

She was now as happy as she could be, newly married to who she would’ve called a literal dream years ago. A gorgeous man willing to walk to the ends of the Earth for her.

But that happiness was derived from pain and loss. She would never be able to share that happiness with her father, and she now shared the burdens of her husband, who had lost more than anyone else she knew.

But that didn’t make her love him any less.

Sai was a far cry from the young man she met. Over the years he had learned more and more about the bonds and emotions he had lost, many things she taught him first hand, and she couldn’t be more proud of his progress.

He was once empty, but now it was her job to fill him with as much love and care she could muster. And that’s what she found herself doing, seated beside him and resting her head against his left shoulder as he was immersed in a new sketch. This time it was a pot of primroses he had gathered from the shop below him. She secretly hoped it was a gift for her, as he would occasionally drop his pencil to awkwardly stroke at her head.

Observing his quiet focus made her reflect on her marriage so far. It had only been a month since their wedding, so she had yet to come down completely from cloud nine and she was sure that Sai was feeling something similar. Although it might be starkly different from hers. It didn’t take that long for them to marry either. They still had a lot of time ahead of them, and Ino was delighted to discover more about her enigmatic love.

Part of her joy came from observing common quirks that only a wife could. Like how he was so meticulously organized with his supplies but still fumbled with arrangements in the shop. Or how he’d gently stroke her face when he had to work early, not attentive enough to realize that she was only feigning sleep.

The amount of love she had for her new husband was immeasurable , but with the discovery of these cute habits only came the realization of darker secrets.

Sai was unresponsive at times.

When she would call out to him and would receive nothing but silence in return. It wasn’t as if he was ignoring her, he was simply far into the depths of his own mind.

She then tried to gently repeat her call. And if that didn’t work, her volume would increase, tone sharp and direct. That would usually do the trick and her husband’s head would snap towards her, indicating that she now had his full attention. He’d give a soft hum of inquiry, then his eyes would shamefully cast downward as it dawned upon him that he had done it again.

Ino knew that this was a common occurrence of those in her field of work, especially those who have seen war. There were times when she felt as if father’s guidance was needed more than ever, like on days when the responsibility of leading her clan had weighed most on her. But Sai wasn’t like most shinobi, something that she was reminded of every day. He had made leaps and bounds with his ability to express himself, but there were some things that couldn’t be improved with just awareness and lessons on sociality.

Just like how his fingers would flex and he would grasp at air in moments of silence as if they yearned for something to feel secure. Her left hand would gladly supplement the presence of his brush when he needed it most. In private she would allow him to let his itching fingers run through her long bright blond hair, rubbing the ends of strands between the pads of his thumb and index finger until he was content. His hands would then begin to wander to other parts of her body, desire beginning to cloud his mind and slowly overtake him until he wrapped her up into it.

Ino could hardly articulate how wonderful it felt for him to be able to physically love her. It seemed so long ago when he’d freeze up any time she touched him, but now he was capable of proving to her that his natural instincts were that of any man. She adored nights of tangled limbs and resting on his still heaving chest that took it’s time to settle into a steady rhythm as he drifted into a blissful and dreamless slumber.

Without the exhaustion and comfort that came from sex, Sai was probably the most restless sleeper imaginable. The smallest rustle or bump in the night would force him awake, as if alerted to a nearby enemy. It was a stark contrast from how she slept on missions as a genin, among two of the heaviest sleepers in the entire world. But even then, she felt that neither her or her boys could sleep as soundly as they used to. Unrest and insomnia were another common trait for experienced shinobi, which tended to be spurred on by night terrors.

The first one she experienced with him was shortly after he moved in with her, frightened awake at the feeling of arms constricting her body and hands grasping brutishly at the fabric of her night shirt. The loud air-starved noise her throat produced was enough to yank him from his subconscious, jerking away from her. Ino couldn’t see Sai’s hunched form sitting on the edge of the bed that clearly in the dark, but she could very well hear his slightly ragged breathing tear through the silence. He was too far from her to reach with a soft call, frozen in place with his head in his hands. As desperate as she was to reach out to him, she knew that she had to be cautious when dealing with him in this state. Testing the waters, she placed a hand on his shoulder. She felt a shiver coarse through his body upon the contact, so she gave him time to get used to the touch. She gradually added to that, scooting her body over to him so that she sat behind him, legs dangling off the bed encompassing his. She waited once more until his breathing settled before she fully took the plunge, resting her chest on his sweat soaked back and wrapping her arms around his torso.

After that incident, Sai had admitted to her that these dreams had become common shortly after their mission in the Land of Silence, serving as another hangoff from Gengo. Ino could never forgive that man for taking advantage of her Sai like that and even a year later he is still experiencing effects from his influence. The same could be said about Danzo, who’s authority still had her husband within its grasp even in death. She believed that the more in touch with his emotion Sai became, the more likely his sense of duty were to weigh on him like this, only to lead to more nightmares.

Ino wasn’t sure how often Sai experienced them, but she knew that it was difficult for him to return to sleep, as she often awoke to him intently staring at her or even missing from bed completely. The panic that settled into her chest would quickly be dispersed when she felt his presence still within their walls. It had become a routine of hers to search for him and use all of her power of suggestion to get him back into bed.

The worst kind of nights were when soft words and kisses were simply not enough and he pleaded for her to return to bed alone that night.

As much as she worried for his well being, there were selfish reasons behind her insistence. She realized early on that she couldn’t sleep soundly without him beside her and it had only comforted her further when he had assured her in his own way that she was “imperative in improving his sleep practices since they began their courtship.”

Crowds were also a struggle for him. This was something she learned after attending weddings attached by the hand. Upon arrival, his body tensed beside her and his eyes darted around as if surveying the area for possible threats. It couldn’t be helped when they suddenly became the center of attention. A quick squeeze of the hand would direct his eyes down to her and the glance she cast that was meant to keep him cemented in the atmosphere. With that, he would relax into a comfortable vigilance for the rest of the event as he partook in festivities. They would later find a secluded place to exist frozen in time while the rest of the world persisted. It seemed as if his introverted nature had only complemented her extroverted status in times like that.

Not everyone could understand this, though. The prospect of marrying Sai came at the cost of angering her clan’s elders. After the mysterious fate of Fuu had been revealed to her clan, they immediately dismissed the idea of their next patriarch being another member of Danzo’s ranks. But for all she was concerned, she was marrying Sai whether they liked it or not. Luckily for her, the entire Ino-Shika-Cho trio had all decided their betrothed to be from beyond the realm of tradition, In a political sense, the Yamanaka clan elders couldn’t complain about foriegn affairs like the Nara and Akimichi clan, making Sai the lesser of three evils in this case. They accepted the union only on the condition that they regulate his responsibilities as the newly dubbed patriarch. He accepted this condition with no question, and Ino was concerned to find him reading through every little stipulation with a critical eye.

“It is not that I am finding a reason to oppose marriage. I simply want to satisfy them so I can make you happy.”

She wanted to argue that it didn’t matter what the elders thought of them, but she was too moved by his determination to appease her that she didn’t dare complain.

But alas this couldn’t ease her worries over what came next.

The baby.

There wasn’t a physical baby in question, but there would be soon enough.

She was the clan’s matriarch just as she was its leader, which meant her responsibility was the same as it had always been. She had to produce an heir to continue her bloodline along with all of the values and traditions that she had been granted by her father. It would seem strange to any woman to just accept the decision of becoming a mother made well in advance, but it wasn’t just for the sake of her family. She wanted this as well, and the idea of raising a child with Sai made her heart race.

But she still wasn’t sure how Sai really felt about it all. She had been abundantly clear about this back when they had started dating, as she was already sure that the man would be the father of her children. But Sai was an objective man who was raised on the value of having a purpose to serve, and she was afraid that he took this as another objective, which was confirmed by his statement.

“I vow to uphold this responsibility.”

She still hadn’t gathered the courage to have that conversation yet. To properly tell him that raising a child was more than just another task to complete. There was emotional value that came alongside the immense responsibility and hardships, and Sai had to be ready to adapt to that, especially when it was barreling toward them with every passing day. She could allow him to look through books when the time came like he always did, but a good wife would at least try to give some perspective for him in a way he could understand.

It seemed like now was as good a time as any, when they were both sitting around in a blissful silence like this. Oh how she hated to break up a moment to bring up something awkward, but it had to be mentioned or she would never get her peace.

“Darling.”

The word seemed almost accidental, as it came out only a little bit above a whisper

She was dreadfully wrong to expect a non committed response from him, as he directed his head away from his sketchpad to look down at her, the lightest flicker of worry lining his features.

“Is everything alright? A soft voice from you usually means there is something wrong.”

She hated when he figured her out so easily. What happened to that clueless man she married?

“Is it so out of the ordinary for me to be nice to you?” She shifted her gaze to the wall. Her eyes narrowed, but she was unable to focus on anything in particular. “You must think I’m a monster or something.”

She waited for his hastened apology for misunderstanding, but was surprised to find him still staring at her when she pulled her eyes back up to him.

She clicked her tongue when he didn’t respond in the way she wanted. She wasn’t going to be able to avoid this any longer. She huffed out a sigh.

“It’s about the baby.”

“You want to conceive now?” His response was so immediate it was almost as if he had it on standby. The bubble of laughter that escaped her lips caught her off-guard.

There it was. The quickfire statement that was capable of ruining any conversation. It was almost as if that answer actually comforted her.

She swatted his shoulder, laughter dying down. “Of course not, you lech!” She returned to her previous position leaned against his shoulder. “You know it’s still too soon for that. We all have to meet about that, remember?”

His attention was then brought back to his drawing with a hum of agreement. That wasn’t able to conceal the blush that found its way to his cheeks, she noticed. Changing the topic to sex would be a good way to end the conversation, but no. She had to ask him.

“How do you feel about all of this?”

He pondered for a moment, looking down at his drawing as if there was something wrong with it. A crooked line or a misplaced shadow.

“I promised you I would uphold your obligation.”

“Sai, that’s no-”

“But I am still unsure if I have what it takes to be a father.” He interrupted her, unaware that he had just bewildered her.

“From the knowledge I’ve attained. Successfully raising a child means meeting their emotional needs along with their physical needs. It isn’t just about helping them survive, it’s also about giving them support and guidance as they develop into a person. It seems so complicated, but it’s supposed to be natural.”

Ino stared in awe at his ramblings. He really did understand.

His obsidian eyes suddenly targeted her, startling her from her stupor.

“I don’t know how I can do that for a child the way that I am. I hardly have the instincts of a normal person, let alone a father. I don’t have many positive childhood experiences to pass onto a child. But I will try my hardest.”

“Sai…” Ino was left speechless and sputtering. Sai understood everything. In fact, he held the same issues that she held. The worry drained from her mind, leaving her with pangs of guilt for underestimating him. She wondered where he found his conclusion. Surely no single book would be able to articulate that point to him.

“Naruto has confided me a lot these past few months about Hinata’s pregnancy. He is afraid that he won’t meet the standards of a good father because of his lack of fatherly figures growing up. I-”

He paused, finally noticing clear eyes focused intently on him, hanging onto every word. Sai centered his head forward to divert himself away from her immense pressure before continuing.

“I also am afraid that I don’t have a good reference for fatherly behavior. I’d hate for my child to withstand the same experiences as me, so I did more research and found-”

Her husband halted once more when he heard her sniffle. His head snapped in her direction to find tears clouding her eyes.

“It’s okay if that’s how you feel.” Ino choked on her words, trying to hold her husband in place with her hands on his cheeks. “That’s why we have to figure it out together.” She struggled to hold back a sob that was only freed when Sai brought a hand up to swipe away her tears.

“Why didn’t you tell me about this?!” Her shout was uncontrollable, as now she was wailing into her husband’s chest. Ino knew he was probably confused that the conversation took this turn, but she did appreciate that he still tried to sooth her with warm hands running along her back. He patiently waited until her sobs quieted before answering.

“I already promised you and I will try my hardest to fulfill that promise. I didn’t think I needed to doubt that.”

“What?!” Ino cried incredulously. She jerked away from him to stare him down, making zero attempt to conceal her dripping face. “I’m your WIFE! I’m supposed to know these things so I can help you!” She gripped both of his hands, bringing her knuckles together, voice softening once more.

“I was afraid you didn’t fully understand what we are up against.” Her eyes dropped down to their conjoined hands.

“I apologize for the misunderstanding. I just want to be ready so I can support you when the time comes. The last thing I wish for is to make you worry about me.”

Her face scrunched up into a pout as she unhanded him to wipe at her face. “You idiot, I will always worry about you. And besides, no one can ever be ready for children. The only way this will work is if we are open and honest about this. I’m scared about this too, you know?”

His hands rose in front of his chest in surrender to her will. It was relieving to know that he still knew his place.

“From now on, we will tell each other all of our insecurities about this matter.”

Sai blinked, slowly realizing what that entailed.

“E-Everything?”

“Yup, everything. It doesn’t matter if you didn’t grow up with a father. Not every parent is the same. I think you’ll be great.” She closed her eyes as she continued. “ And if you are really struggling, then I can tell you all about what dad used to do with me.”

Ino’s chest swelled with pride at that, impressing herself with how well she handled that.

“I would love that!”

Her eyes slipped open to reveal a rather enthusiastic smile blooming on his face. It made her melt to see how far that smile had come. It seemed her influence also affected his charms as well.

He suddenly raised from the sofa before scooping her up into his arms. Ino panicked at the look on his face transformed before her. His eyes lidded into a trademark squint and his one sweet smile became a teeth bearing grin.

“Wh-What do you think you’re doing?!” She sputtered. Her panic increased as he had now abandoned the room . He hummed at that as they turned the corner towards their bedroom. Never a good sign.

“I know you said we had to wait, but I figured that we could perhaps get a head start.”

“Sai, wait-!”

They would be just fine. She just knew it.

#naruto fanfiction #naruto #saiino #si fanfic #InoSai #Ino Yamanaka #now adding more tags for general audiences

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syubub · 3 years

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💼again :] the last ask was getting wayyy too long so this is pt.2.

I didn’t always have these dreams they only started sometime last year (after I started getting more in touch with myself). And even then I have no way of viewing them deliberately; they just come and go like a stranger in passing. Maybe the same could be said for yoongi? Or he’s even learned how to fine tune when he has them, or even call upon them at will, like “Oh I’m bored today, tell me something that’s going to happen in three months.” Or even “give me an idea of who I should collab with next.” Seeing as he has access to his own akashic records this wouldn’t be a stretch hmmm? Or who knows it could be. Everything I’m saying could have absolutely no grounds on his part, so thread lightly.

Btw if anyone wants to know the dreams I woke up from that prompted me to rush over to Rae’s ask in frenzy it involved me missing a life-changing meeting by 30 minutes because I didn’t set my alarm (go figure). And the second one was that (one of the members)??? posted a video conversation on Twitter of how yoongi made telepathy and thinks it’s really good, and it was literally deleted 2 seconds later. However, one of the translator fan pages already got to it, and he sounded like he was complaining in pout and talking so cutely, they even used this 🥺 emoji. It was basically him talking to the members in the car, but we couldn’t see his face??? Or any of their faces for that matter. It was almost like the video was recorded.....secretly. Still for some reason it felt like Yoongi was the one who posted the video himself...even stranger was that he was actually complaining about why they didn’t want to add the song to the album (BE) because he insisted it was really good.

I don’t know anymore and I’m just getting further off topic, but it’s almost like yoongi has a sense of work dysmorphia (I just made that up so please don’t come for my neck). All I’m saying is that he has a tendency to understate or downplay his efforts. In the BE comeback interviews he called himself “lazy,” even when he’d written 4 songs for the album (side note: I just know yoongi has a treasure trove of unreleased music) and then In the SOOP, the convo he had with Jin, he “acts like he works hard...and that he was being greedy, and it left him full of regrets.” Which isn’t even the case, because Jin himself did his best to assure yoongi that he does in fact work hard. Even if you have visions, they don’t come to pass on their own. You still have to put in the work to get things done. Which yoongi does.

Okay that’s it for today. Please let me know if these ridiculously long asks get annoying. My brain runs a mile a minute so it never knows when to put a stop to things.

This is really fascinating. First off, I really do think that yoongi has some knowing of the future and I think it might not necessarily be something that he controls 100%? Like he gets snapshots and bits and pieces and its up to him to figure out what the fuck to do with it? Him also being a Pisces? Him knowing about his Akashic book? He must see some premonitions or have very strong intuition!!

I think you've explained really well and it really does sound like it's possible that this is what's going on with him! I wish I was more involved in dreams and messages through my dreams but unfortunately I only remember maybe half of a dream every month or so. Its a long story tbh (I'm working on it. I feel like I've missed a lot of important visual cues bc of that)

I think it would be helpful to see if I could get a reading on yoongis spiritual shit? Like what he sees, how he sees, is it him manifesting something and he waits for the dream to come along so he can take action? I have so many questions but I don’t know if I'd really get many answers.

💼 anon thank you so much for sharing this! I think you've brought up a very important thing that I haven't thought about or entertained in depth at this level before. I think its one of those things where an "obvious" answer is too close so you miss it. Like sunglasses on your head. We've been speculating how and why but I think there's a lot of signs that would point to this being at least one of the ways he knows so much!

I LOVE LONG ASKS!

#💼anon

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marblehornets52 · 4 years

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I may as well post this just to get this off my chest, but I doubt anyone would have the time to actually want to care about this.

In my old blog, @rynxs-blog, literally you can't miss the description. I have autism/asperger's. While it's not so bad, I'm just making this post because, I guess I just want it out of my head.

Maybe 6th grade or so, I guess, my ex, was supposedly stalking me and it took until 7th grade for anything to happen. 7th grade (she was in 8th grade btw so one year ahead of me, keep that in mind) we started dating. I will admit, I was a little shithead back then [as in, VERY CRINGE FUELED] so with that being said, I didn't want to acknowledge my autism or my problems back then. I was 50% extrovert and 50% introvert.

I, however, never told anyone about the autism because it felt more of a insecure thing. No one back then, as far as I saw, in the middle school, had autism. Few years later I come to realize they were just hidden among the crowd. But that's not exactly what this is about.

Back then, I was a shithead. Never did my work yet somehow managed to go past both 7th and 8th grade. I still remember that the main reason was because when I was moving into 8th grade, my ex went to high school.

Now you might be wondering "so what's the big deal? You still like her or something?"

That was the answer back then, and honestly I don't know why I decided to go on ahead and reach out to her to see if she remembers.

Another question that might pop up "Besides the age difference, why couldn't you just see her normally?" or even "Why are you making that relationship such a big deal right now?"

1. My mom is [somewhat] a hardcore Christian and when I told her about the relationship, she kinda went haywire about it, specifically how it's against God commandments or whatever the fuck she told me. Even though she said she didn't mind people being gay yet when I come up with it "ThAt'S nOt ChRiStIaN lIkE." Also if your wondering about the dad, he's a marine, he would've killed me back then if he realized I was dating before the age of 18.

2. Because I was so stupid back then, we used to have wattpad [she deleted it] and I made a new account and started talking to her there. But I didn't reveal it was me until after. But what made me start to have more problems [that's gonna come in soon] is that she literally told me that she didn't even remember me. I could've just left it off as her moving on, I could've left it with me just a unimportant person in people's lives...but I just decided to remind her of everything and sooner or later, after 8th grade, I finally made it.

I told my friend group that I didn't want them to follow me when I am with my ex. Not because I was selfish but because she was going to introduce me to people I never met [who ended up turning up with vapes and soon smoking (I never smoked.)]

She had me so isolated from literally everyone I knew, just staying in one specific area of the school. If I tried to leave, she would chase after me and drag me back. I (still being a idiot) thought it was cute so I did that for awhile. Though it changed when my friends came along.

When they saw me hanging out with my ex, they came to the group. At the time I didn't mind since they gotten along with everyone till they decided to start vaping.

[Side note: While that was happening I got a betta fish named Ninja; I rescued him from a shitty pet shop and I did so much for him. I miss him greatly now, he has indeed passed away and he does contribute to the story.]

So with that being said, when I was in Sophomore year, I started sensing stuff being off. I wasn't allowed to leave anywhere without permission, if I was watching a video and just randomly smiled or giggle I would have to show my ex what I was seeing; otherwise she would force the phone out of my hand to see for herself, I told her about my autism and yet she still didn't even mind to acknowledge it and just blatantly forget it until I remind her again. She wouldn't let me go interact with everyone else, always trying to give me so much affection to the point where it was just a blank feeling. Whenever I would cry or whatnot, there was nothing she would do except just ask this "Stop crying please" + "Not even for me?" If I didn't give her a response. [Btw, if you ever tell me "Not even for me?" Go fuck yourself. (Sounds harsh but at that point I don't want to keep all of this in mind forever.) But the worst is when I told her about my insecurities. I told her most of it, opening up a bit more. My major one [which is still going on] is my weight.

The school has this BMI chart or whatnot and freshman year I was almost considered overweight instead of healthy. So I told her not I didn't feel comfortable with my own body. I still remember back then, she would pinch my body fat and always tease about it. I would just play the happy little partner and try not to take notice of it.

Though when Ninja passed away, I went through the biggest depression era in my life. I at that point, started to hide in my classrooms. I refused to go out because I didn't want to let anyone see how much of a mess I was. I remembered people thought I must've came back from a funeral or something.

I remembered back then, I wanted to end my own life, simply because [besides depression from the death of Ninja] I thought no one would care about my existence, that no one would notice me missing. But I guess overtime, I started to think back of all the stuff I been through in the relationship and compared it to how it was to my own friend.

[If you are gonna tell me "But it's just a fish, why don't you move on?" I literally told Ninja everything, from insecurities, to frustrations, to ideas. He was a better friend than many people I knew because he would do his best to support me even on his dying breath. Just ti get me better.]

So with that being said, one of my friends [who is not vaping anymore if I can recall] came up to me all pissed off. She told me that my ex had been bawling out her eyes because she assumed I didn't love her anymore. [Yes, me being away, 2 weeks inside classrooms for brunch and lunch, meant I didn't love her anymore.]

So I guess I told her everything (this was in history class btw, not exactly important but most history classes here are like fucking libraries, dead silent so whispering was just considered a regular talking voice.) I accidentally said everything out to the rest of my classmates too and honestly, I was surprised they were shocked. But I guess because I played the "happy life girlfriend" person, that there was nothing wrong with me.

[Another side note: I was in ROTC, and they did this thing called inspections. You wear the uniform you were given (usually utilities) and you wear it the whole day until you go home. Usually on Thursdays unless something happens. But the biggest rules are 1. No boyfriends or girlfriends kissing or hugging and 2. No one is allowed to touch you.]

So with that being said, when I told my friend that I was planning to break up she told me to time it right. So as you could guess, I did it wearing utilities, I told her that I was going to cut off the relationship and I was gonna give her back her stuff.

What I didn't specify was that I broke it off because I didn't want her to feel or even deal with all my emotional problems I had. So I told myself, after 2 years, from that day on, I was not going to let anyone be with me, I wanted to let myself mature more and just not fuck up on another relationship so quick when I'm a emotional wreck.

I thought she would've done the same thing. I thought "Maybe she would take a year or so to move on, maybe see all the mistakes and move on?" Just only to find out 2 months later, her and my best cadet friend were dating.

So, I want to say that, yes, I'm happy for her I guess...made such a fast recovery or whatnot. But it felt like a big ol FUCK YOU to me, mostly because it just confirmed one of my insecurities I told her "I don't want to be forgotten, I don't want to be forgotten by everyone." Yet it already seemed bad enough that because she pulled me away from everyone, no one really cared about my existence, they wouldn't notice if I was missing, and that I really was the biggest mistake in everyone's lives. Even you, the person reading this, may as well scroll past this and not give a shit.

But if you want my honest opinion, I wanted to just tell my friend to not make the same fucking mistakes like me.

My insecurities have not been recovered, only worsen. My birthday was not too long ago, 2 days ago actually, and I honestly thought about ending it then and there.

If anyone just wants to talk to me or whatnot, not by trying to support me because of this post but because I guess there is something more to it, go ahead.

If you want to go ahead and talk to me, either to check up on me, that's fine.

But if people would just listen to everything I have, even the dark moments I...ah..

...Thank you.

I'm sorry that you just hate me more now, and I'm sorry I cause so much trouble just for this.

I just wanted people to know how I was doing I guess...so....

How was your day?

#Most likely chance you're gonna scroll past this post #I don't blame you #I don't blame the people in this story here mentioned either #Also if you scrolled past the reblog version #Aha #you got too see this shit again

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xd1x · 4 years

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Live from the Bellagio in Las Vegas! Zoom backgrounds gas me up so much. I also haven't worn contacts in a while and forgot how good I look without glasses. I always wear glasses and graphic tees on stream, maybe I should try a little more like I do at IRL events? I have yet to cut my hair btw. This was basically a felt cute, might delete later post. Bye. https://www.instagram.com/p/CBLCMBFAcfi/?igshid=1bkl6nhch3k0f

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aquarianlights · 5 years

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I’m going to rant to give myself a break from studying because I haven’t done this in a VERY long time and ranting is refreshing to me. :)

How immature and oblivious do you have to be to abuse and use people for practically your whole life and do the same exact things over and over and just TRULY believe that you're the only mature one and the only right one and that everyone else are the immature ones and the abusive ones and just never even consider actually looking at yourself and changing yet constantly asking "what's wrong with me?" and never listening to anyone and getting offended and forcing people to apologize when they tell you the truth? Going to therapy and never touching on any subject you actually need help with because you don't think those are things that you need help with because those can't be things that are wrong with YOU ...nah, those are things wrong with everyone ELSE. Because YOU must be the correct one...not the five million other people in your life that you've made apologize and hurt and abused in your life but have absolutely convinced yourself for some reason that they have hurt and abused and gaslighted you. 🙄

Y'know... if you're doing the same things over and over and getting the same awful results of everyone leaving you and everyone "mistreating you" and "hurting you" because they say you're hurting them and your instant reaction is that you need them to apologize to you for hurting you..... well......... guuuuuurl, you need to take a step back and check yoself lol coz it's about time you either grow up and get the help and change like the rest of us or accept the fact you're gonna be a child for the rest of your damn life and no one will ever want to be around you. 🙄😩😩😩

Like. Man oh man do I just not have time for immature people anymore. It's like... you hope with all your heart that people you held dear grew at a somewhat similar rate that you did so that whenever you reconnect later in life you can be friends again, but then it just always seems to work out this way. I used to be on the opposite end. I used to be this immature little drug addict boy with horrible depression and suicidal tendencies. Now people come back into my life and suddenly want to treat me like I'm that same little kid without even giving me a chance? Man oh man do I *not* have time for people like that at ALL. 😩🤦‍♂️🙅‍♂️ Like. I'm a 200% different person and if you're not ready to meet me all over again, then why are you tryna hmu again after all these years? I appreciate it, I do. I love reconnecting with people. I do it all the time. Which is why I'm making this post coz this is such a common theme in my life lately. Especially when it comes to the current political climate. But people seem to think they can just come into my life and the second they *THINK* they see glimpses of my old self where there is none (ie; I say something old me woulda said, I wear something old me would have worn, etc...), suddenly they go off on me and treat me like the messed up child I used to be. I don't have any association to that boy whatsoever. Literally none. I talk differently, my name is different, my hair is differently, my style of dress, my interests, my hobbies, my goals, my passions, my.... okay, let's just say everything coz I could literally list everything relevant to being a human being. I am an entirely different human being, minus most of my body chemistry. And it isn't cool for someone to interrupt my life and tell me they want to get to know me again and I inform them of how different I am and they tell me they understand and will take that into account and then they seemingly wait for the very first sign of the old me to POUNCE on as if they were just waiting for me to fuck up or something. And then they leave without even waiting for the next moment. . .when if they HAD waited, they would have immediately seen what an idiot they looked like for thinking anything along those lines because their assumptions were the exact opposite of reality. And they left based on things they made up in their head.

The delusions of grandeur for people who make things up about someone and then force them to apologize for that thing about themselves that THEY made up out of no where is just. . .unreal. The amount of times this has been done to me in general is annoying, at best. But the amount of times this has been done to me by one single person is absolutely painful because they make it personal.

I’m just so floored by the lack of maturity, the audacity. . .how absolutely clueless they are to their own issues. They’re constantly wondering why they’re not getting anywhere and every time an ACTUAL problem of theirs is presented to them, it’s like “No no that can’t be it. No, that’s YOUR problem. You need to apologize for that, btw. You hurt me with that because you lied about that on 3/12/18 at 3:24PM” like. It’s insane the stuff they will make up and genuinely believe. I can tell they genuinely believe it and that’s the scariest part. No one can convince them of anything because everything they think is true to them and none of it actually is. So they’re never going to get anywhere because all the terrible things they do to everyone else isn’t real to them. And the lack of maturity they have isn’t real to them either because everyone else is immature to them. How terrifying is that, honestly.

Idk. I’ll go back and delete this later probably (trying hard not to put a “felt cute, might delete later” meme here) but I had to take a break from the RIDICULOUS amount of A&P and genetics work I’ve been doing to just.... vent about ANYTHING else and this is the first thing that came to mind, to be totally honest haha.

ANYWAYS..................................................... break over. Guess I should get back to my all-nighter. :| OH BOY!!!

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fyperia · 7 years

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why i am angsty™ this week

@questionably-gay

so there’s this guy i’ve been talking to. we go to school together, he’s a year ahead of me in the same major so we’ve had a number of classes together over the last few semesters. we’re also both huge nerds (expected in a game dev program) and play a lot of the same games so we were what you might call “friends”

i will say, we’d been getting pretty close over the last month or two; he’s fairly attractive, responds to being sassed with equal or greater sass, is pretty good at overwatch and wow (but not better than me, so i can still shit talk him), and Definitely Not A Neckbeard. or so i thought? not sure on that one anymore.

tl;dr boy i was moderately interested turns out to be kind of an ass, freaks out that i don’t answer his message and deletes me from everything.

i won’t bore you with the details, but here’s a list of the offending topics i failed to connect as they happened, under a nice readmore because holy hell it’s long:

-when i said i was reporting someone after a sexual assault joke was made during a match of overwatch, asked what i was reporting him for

-his brothers made a lot of Not Funny ‘jokes’ while we were on discord (that I heard over his open mic) and he never really responded to them but he did always laugh at them

-didn’t understand why blizzard “had to go and make tracer gay, i mean was it really necessary for them to do that?” until i was like well i’m bi and i think it’s pretty cool that they did that (he shut up about it and then got quiet whenever people would be excited about it in front of him)

-when symmetra was confirmed as autistic, he told me this. conversation was basically: “so symmetra is autistic” “people didn’t know that?” “i dunno, but they just announced it” “yes and?” “she’s autistic” “ok so?” “i dunno, she’s autistic” “what’s your point?” “the character, not the people who play her” “....” (someone else changed the subject at that point, i was just too caught off guard to respond)

-not really an Offense™ but some more explanation before i get to the end: i’m really terrible about answering messages. always have been. i have a lot of things going on with my brain so if i am not in messaging mode/mood i just will ignore non-essential messages, especially when i’m trying to catch up on school work i’ve fallen behind on due to said brain things. for a week or so i barely answered his messages, though i always made an effort to at least reply with like a sticker or a gif whenever he sent me something. after a few days of that he sent me The Dreaded Message: “hey are we ok?”

-i did not answer this message. i did not open this message. this message gave me way too much anxiety (and it was a weekend that i had someone visiting from out of state, so i was not prepared to deal with it right then.) less than twenty-four hours later, he sent a followup: “guess not :/”

-so i was pressured to explain the state of my mental health, why i forget to answer messages and then get anxiety about answering them late, why i am often too depressed to answer, etc. so that he would not feel personally targeted by my lack of response. it was honestly the most open i have ever been with anyone who is not one of my closest friends or s.o. about my mental health. because, i figured, we were friends so he deserved to know why i was being unresponsive.

-he sends back an equally large wall of text explaining why he gets anxiety about being ignored or w/e and how unlucky he’s been with relationships in the past and he just doesn’t want to screw it up because he always thinks it’s something he did. i’m like ok, i understand, but you need to bear with me because i usually just Can Not from february to april. he agrees. we’re good again. at this point when we’re in the computer lab at the same time he begins sitting next to me instead of across from me as we play my horse prince together (amazing game btw, check it out for mobile devices, a+++ localization)

-at some point he discovered i’m ticklish and decided it’s funny to tickle me. i don’t really think it’s funny! poke me in an area that i’m ticklish, sure, ok, that can be funny, but do not continue. that’s just rude. especially when i constantly tell you to not do that please. jeez.

-here’s the event that was my actual last spoon for this shit. i was in the middle of an all-weekend meeting for the rules design for the larp i play. (he knew this, because i talked about it a lot with him, as a fellow nerd, and he recently played an event with us.) i had also recently posted a humorous status update on facebook (which he saw and liked) making fun of myself for wanting to talk to people but never answering any messages i receive. he sends me a message like “can i ask you something?”

-although i am busy i fire back a “sure what’s up” assuming i can get to it whenever i have the chance as per our previous agreement. this was apparently not the case. he asked me if i wanted to go do a thing that i was just not prepared to be asked. (nothing major, this one actually wasn’t any fault on his part. knowing my interests, you would assume it was a thing i want to do.)

-however, i had/have been recently in a slump about a certain person who i miss very dearly unfollowing me on tumblr and just generally not talking to me ever. as this was a thing she and i had promised we would do together, but never got around to before falling out of touch, i got really upset about it. like had to compartmentalize to finish my meeting but had like three complete breakdowns over the next few days about it, i was an utterly inconsolable mess, missed work and class the next day, i don’t know how i managed to pull myself through class on that tuesday, i think i told everyone i was sick? i don’t often go out without at least filling in my eyebrows, but i was an Unshowered Mess for a few days. it was gross. i felt gross. (i stopped feeling gross after the person in question accepted my insta follow request and i just decided to tell myself she probably unfollowed me on tumblr when i wasn’t posting for a while. i still have not fortified to message her. i am a weenie but i will get there eventually. baby steps?)

-every other hour for about thirty six hours, i got a “?” or some derivative thereof from this boy in question. like “you there?” “hey you’re cute” “tooooori” etc. but i was legit super busy and ignoring literally everyone, and also trying to not have a panic attack about the last bullet point up there^. it was really obnoxious but i didn’t really know how to say “hey your question triggered a very bad response from me so that’s probably not something i want to go do with you” for whatever reason. probably because i knew in my brainspace that he would not take anything with the word “triggered” in it seriously.

-and then the glorious last straw: because i hadn’t answered (in under forty-eight hours, mind you, it was still the weekend) he sent a message that was just “*autistic screeching*” and i was like ..............................................

-i did not know how to answer this. i did not know how to list this entire rant i have written here and be like “wow, are you secretly an asshole?” because wow. i was literally stunned. so i didn’t answer.

-cue me skipping school on monday because of aforementioned response to the question and not wanting to interact with him. he did not show up in my computer lab (which i work in) for the last three weeks.

-cut to yesterday morning: i got a text from one of the officers in my wow guild (and a very dear friend) asking why he quit the guild. i was like huh, that’s weird. i also noticed he had left a facebook group chat that he was in with me, though the chat had served its use and was done with weeks before. so i go and check around, to discover he’s unfriended me on facebook, unfollowed me on insta, deleted me from battlenet, and of course quit the guild. (he joined only a few months ago, at my encouragement to switch servers and raid with us. should've known not to trust him, he’s horde.) he probably blocked my number too, though i haven’t checked because honestly? i don’t really care. i explained this all to my friend who asked me about it and we made fun of him for like half an hour. we had a good laugh about it. very therapeutic. i’m not even upset, i think it’s hilarious that we’re apparently in fifth grade.

#not all of my random personal posts are related #i am actually also super fucked by a crush right now #rip in pieces me #//#////#personal #long post

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resbang-bookclub · 7 years

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AMA Transcript: Awoken

This past week, @professor-maka and @sahdah stopped in to chat about their work on their 2016 Resbang, Awoken! Here’s some of what went down:

Q: How did your fic change/evolve over time? Any deleted scenes/headcanons you couldn't fit into the fic?

ProMa: Sort of? In that I wasn't exactly sure how far I wanted to take the plot at first, and at one point considered a Medusa appearance but decided I liked flipping the villain expectation too much to fuss with it.

Q: How the frick did you write the songs and stuff?? It was so good and hilarious.

ProMa: Ahhhh I can't music which is why the songs are either poems (only the first, and it's intentionally bad) or I took actual songs and just--modified lyrics in the same meter.

Q: You wrote your own lyrics tho?

ProMa: I did. I carefully plotted to the meter of the original. Or in the case of Ox's first song, just kept a really trite meter.

Q: Gotta ask the obvious question: What made you want to do an Enchanted AU!!

ProMa: It's a really fun movie, and I just felt I could do something fun with it. Though I'll admit there's a heavy Enchanted Forest Chronicles in there, too.

Q: What was the hardest scene to write?

ProMa: Hardest to write was hmmmm... Maka waking up the second time. I got stuck in that section forever.

Q: And which scene did you write first?? Loved the song summons btw. It made me laugh so hard.

ProMa: I wrote it pretty much in order except in a few places where I wrote the song before the scene, so the taxi scene came first. The song summons was so fun to write. I wanted to take that scene from Enchanted and completely flip it on its head.

Q: Proma, I love the running gag with the disembodied music, was that from the AU's or your own detail?

ProMa: Disembodied music was just drawing from the brand of humor in Enchanted Forest Chronicles, Patrick Dempsey's reactions in Enchanted, and the reality of musicals. So basically my take on it, lol.

Q: How early in the process did you figure out that Ox was gonna be the prince? Were you always sure it would be him or did you have to narrow it down?

ProMa: Ox was my prince pretty much from the get go. He just fit what I wanted to do. I was going for the more noble version of Hans from Frozen.

Q: Was there anything weird that you didn't expect to make it into the final cut?

ProMa: The potty humor I definitely wasn't sure I would keep. But I am 14 at heart and kept it.

Q: Alternately, anything you wanted to keep but had to cut?

ProMa: I kind of wanted a Black Star appearance but time and plot arc did not allow. Also Wes was not in the original plan but he happened anyway.

Q: Tell us about the art collab! How did it work for you?

ProMa: They were really enthusiastic and supportive and started throwing ideas out from the get go!

sahdah: Read voraciously, threw my ideas at Proma.

ProMa: The poster image sahdah did was so great she worked on it forever! sahdah: Proma was super chill and awesome about things, I'd ask for direction and she gave like dress ideas. It was so much fun!

ProMa: And rogha's painting was lovely.

Q: What was the hardest thing about that poster image?

sahdah: Ahhh the coloring. I did pen drawing and scanned but I'd just gotten a tablet for digital so working the layers was interesting. I had lots of support from Proma and Aer!

Q: How many drafts did you do before you decided on a final image for the art?

sahdah: Um, it started off with just Maka, and then Ox got added. And then I think Kim was next - this is all on the same page - and I knew Soul in a beanie had to be there. So it just grew.

ProMa: It grew in the most glorious way possible. Sahdah kept sending me updates and I just [said] YES YES GOOD YES.

Q: I am jealous of how well-behaved this fic was for not having any deleted scenes.

ProMa: AHAHA I'm a weird writer. I delete sometimes, but not often.

Q: SEQUEL?

ProMa: Noooooooo no no no no no. Epilogue is my limit.

Q: What was your favorite scene to write?

ProMa: Either the vermin scene or Maka laying the smackdown on Ox. Both were fun. Maka as badass is always my jam.

Q: Is this a genre you'd want to do again?

ProMa: It was fun, I'd definitely do it again!

Q: Please tell me what inspired the "friendly neighbourhood broctologist" line because I literally laughed at it for 30 straight seconds.

ProMa: B* works in mysterious ways. He always gets my best lines. What inspired it? B* being B*.

[discussion of the rats/roaches scene]

ProMa: That scene is one of the more direct lifts from the film. It's really nasty. Vermin squick me so hard, but vermin summoning is one of the most hilarious things in the film. I HAD to.

sahdah: Giriko running in fear when he next sees them, lol.

ProMa: Poor Giriko, he only wanted some loot.

[discussion of how numerous people have not seen Enchanted]

ProMa: It's cute and funny and I did something completely different with the premise because Maka is no Gisselle.

Q: Real question time: Why George Michael?

ProMa: Omg. It was my server name because it was a play on the kiss thing and then I just--had to. Because Wham is awesome and cheesy and it fit.

Q: I'm kinda mad with how it was not awkward or cheesy. How do you put Wham in a story and make it charming?

sahdah: Promagic.

ProMa: I have no idea. I love Wham, they were my first album. Call it a labor of pure love.

Q: Did you listen/watch anything (besides the obvious) for inspiration?

ProMa: I had a playlist I've been meaning to post: http://8tracks.com/professor-maka/awoken. I'll have to make it not unlisted later lol.

Q: Is it possible for Mr. Proma to do a cover the fic songs?

ProMa: It'd be hilarious but he'd side eye me hard. Very not his genre. Well, maybe the Foo Fighters. :') I would laugh so hard to hear them performed though. Maybe someday someone will perform one and make my life.

sahdah: Soul singing Pearl Jam in the shower <3

ProMa: Mr.Proma sent me that song when we were dating, it was a nod to self.

sahdah: Awwwh, such a good husbando!

ProMa: Such good husbando. Well, boyfriendu then.

Q: If you had to do it over, would there be anything you'd change?

ProMa: Hmmmmm man I just reread it. I wish I'd edited another round, because I missed some dumb reppy shit and just dumb shit. Also, the ending could be drawn out a bit. So I would do that if I had it to do again. But I was in serious time crunch mode.

Q: I am so impressed with how much fic you can crank out, Proma.

sahdah: Proma cranked out the last bit of the fic in... what was it, like 2 days?

ProMa: Yeah, the last third was very fast.

sahdah: I'm like WAIT!!! SO MUCH I NEED TO ART.

ProMa: Sahdah did her second two pieces in like two days so MASS APPLAUSE.

sahdah: /head scratch like there was so much good content!

ProMa: And those pieces are great too.

Q: How does one do that, pull out quality in such a short time?

sahdah: Copious amounts of caffeine and manic cackling with Resbang partners. <3

ProMa: I write fast under pressure. It's a skill I picked up in school that weirdly translates into creative things. Thank you, undergrad all nighters.

Q: Proma, [in the] epilogue, how does Ox fare with Kim?

ProMa: Omg Ox does not fare with Kim. She is all about dat Jackie. But I mean, he has his kingdom. Even if Spirit gives him constant shit for the rest of his days.

Q: How does Spirit react to maka moving?

ProMa: Spirit is so dejected. I haven't worked it out, but he would definitely seek Maka out. Might even just hand the kingdom to Ox eventually, and go [to the] whole other world. He will visit, that's not even arguable. That omake I will heavily consider.

Q: Proma, one thing that I was interested to see and that I think I'm glad about is that you didn't do the whole Aesop where Maka has to go back and learn how to break the curse, find happiness in her own world. While I can appreciate that message and I think it has its place, I also think that if people could really do that... there are probably people who would find a place and feel better somewhere other than their "home world." I mean, you could translate the "world" metaphor to people choosing to leave a toxic family of origin, which would be a good thing.

ProMa: Oh yeah, I was never going to go there. This was about Maka shaping her own life on her terms. I was not going for archetypes at alllll. Blair was always my choice for the fairy godmother role. It's so canon anyway. You can do some good things with that trope, it just wasn't the goal. Maka staying in her new life definitely came from the source -- even if a lot of the source is altered beyond recognition.

sahdah: I also love Maka working to improve herself on her terms. Like the details with the soufflé.

ProMa: I definitely borrowed some flavor from Wrede.

[more discussion of the vermin scene]

ProMa: That's one of the biggest actual pulls from the movie though -- I flipped it completely. Giselle summons vermin to clean the messy house. Yeah, that is not Maka. Maka just wants her crap back and she's not into the singing thing.

sahdah: Giriko! The real vermin, lol.

Q: Maka asking animals via Disney princess song to wreck Giriko's shit was one of my favorite things.

ProMa: It's Maka, she's not gonna sing to clean Soul's house, he can get off his own ass!

sahdah: Let's be real, he probably has a cleaning service, because of Mother.

ProMa: His house is spotless, there are maids. (Why a high powered lawyer in Enchanted couldn't hire a maid is beyond me.)

sahdah: Mc-Procrastinator, not Dreamy.

ProMa: Mc-raises kid in nasty house. I actually have a soft spot for pet rats, we had them in 3rd grade but an actual in my house rat would make me into a quivering pile of NOPE.

Q: Is it Mc-over? [ implied :( ]

[insert giant chorus of thanks]

ProMa: You guys asked great questions thank you! It was so much fun, I'm glad others thought so too!

sahdah: It was my pleasure, I love musicals!

ProMa: And thanks to my betas here too. Yulie and Sand saved my liiiife.

#AMA transcripts #rbbc #resbang

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thefangirl-16-blog · 4 years

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Cats 2019 slapped but:

1) Jason Derulo deserved more screen time to flesh out his version of Tugger (at least let him sing Old D)

2) Rebel Wilson and James Corden have no right to be in this (they made jokes at the expense of the v effects artists and thus do not deverse to be counted as cast members especially since the main trio was so good)

3) Misto should have said presto

#i mean also theres the straightwashing #im not mad that they went the way they did #im mad that they decided to removed tugger and misto intracting at all #if they'd went the route of having them being friends then tugger would be more developed #if they let the finger under chin thing happen with misto and munk #then they should have let misto and tugger talk at least once #no mistoria hate btw #its not my ship but they had their cute moments in the movie #its just a shame that they felt the need to take away from another character (tugger) to make it work #ps this isnt in responce to anything specific #ive just gotten like 3 notifications that have something to do with the movie today and i relised i never shared these particular thoughts #might delete later #its not my best post #wow ive really abused the tags huh #cats 2019

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wishingfornever · 6 years

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10/11/17 – No Contact: Meta Entry

I had a series of dreams. The last dream, you were here and we just laid together. I kissed the back of your neck and you were happy. Then I woke up and find I had been cuddling with Max the WHOLE TIME!!! GASP!!!

Kidding, but that was the last dream. You had a black tank top, black underwear, and that red beanie. I remember… a lot from that dream. I’m waiting to propose to you to carry on and continue your life. As I said, your mom told me to look after you and I still intend to. Of course, you don’t deserve it. Your behavior was just… incredibly bad. And then you justified the stupidest things. You don’t deserve forgiveness. You don’t deserve a second chance.

You’re lucky I’m not you.

Maybe I’m being harsh. Maybe I’m telling myself this so I can wait the full two months to message you again. Or maybe I’m totally justified. You really fucked up. You’ll see that eventually but I can’t make you see it. Thus, this is a lesson you’ll have to learn yourself.

I hope you don’t view my offer as a safety net. Like, seriously, if I’m trying to be nice then don’t overthink it. I suspect you’ll avoid my offer, though. Maybe that’s why. Not enough pressure. What a bunch of bullshit.

My one concern is that I stop caring about you before I offer you a place. Sort of like how you stopped caring. See? Like that. You REALLY don’t deserve a second chance. If I were a wiser man, I’d have left you for dead. You’d be stuck with Dennis or move back. Worse yet, you’d move from man to man trying to find a place for yourself, constantly getting high and NEVER getting your GED. Your life will stagnate. I guarantee it will with Dennis or any other prick on the internet who says he “Totally cares, for sure.” Your two best options will be with me or with your mom. Because unlike those other internet tools, I won’t let you get high. I’m sick of it. Pot is fucking stupid and you’re stupid for liking pot.

You’re getting your fucking GED. If you’re here, I will MAKE you get it. That is not an option. That said… you don’t need to choose me. You can choose your parents. I’m sure they’d be THRILLED to have you back. Well, your mom at least. Thing is, it’s your mom. She has two sides. Not saying she’s a bad person, but she’s a hard person. I know because she’s somewhat like my dad, just my dad is less hippie-ish.

Whatever… Anyways, Max isn’t eating his food. That’s a problem. He’s… been grumpy. I told you I applied for a job at Starbucks. Here’s the thing. I wanted to go to Starbucks and apply in person. But… I can’t. Because Max has been very temperamental. Like, so much. So, I’m sticking by with him. We could use someone who will stay here with him. Like you. That’d be super helpful.

Anyways, I just checked with my application in Starbucks. Turns out to… have not saved. So, I re did it. Not that hard. But as of today? I officially applied for a job. After this week, I’ll start applying at other places. Hopefully in person.

Holy crap. I know how to propose. Custom banner. In NationStates. It’ll say, “Esther’s Nation, will you marry me?” and have one of the letters replaced with a hammer and sickle. Or put the hammer and sickle in a heart. Gasp. :o

Cringe now. I know. We won’t get together because of reasons. Probably because you don’t want to see me again. That’s why I wrote it here. Because you’re not going to read it. It’s funny though. Clever. I mean, not romantic. But the region will think it’s cute. :D

Whatever. If we do get together again, I’ll have to try to delete this. Or maybe I won’t, idk. Kind of ruins the authenticity of the journal to go back and delete things… so… whatever.

I need Max. This cute Asian gal ran up and said, “Awwwww! What’s his name!” I was awkward at the time because I didn’t expect it. I said “Max. Be careful, he’s grumpy.” But she was super cheerful. Was getting out of her car at the time.

I might be a bit socially awkward. I have to be in control of the situation to prevent it and I have to be super confident in myself. I put on some pounds and I did almost nothing to my hair. I mean… I brushed it. Kinda looks cute. But could be better. Breath smells of onions. Intending to shower when I got back. Just… not a good situation for me. She didn’t get close enough for that. Was cute though.

Shane isn’t doing well. He said he coughed up blood. Concerning. Told him to see a doctor. I hope he’s fine.

Meanwhile, Walter (who ADORES NationStates) wants to do a NationState scenario with me. Like a space race. I think it’d be super cool. We’re doing some planning. Won’t need that much time. I won’t have to much time to begin with. I’ll be working at Starbucks soon. And, of course, my book. Which I haven’t touched for a while. I’ll make time for it this week. I’m waking up earlier, if you can believe it.

I’ve been sleeping in, unfortunately. But I’m getting over it. I didn’t do my sets yesterday. I didn’t run, either. Didn’t today. Been focusing on Max. He just wants to walk, so we’re just walking. Super inactive. Eh. :/

I want to message you. I always do when I write in the journal. I think because I want responses for somethings. Or at least input. Idk. It’ll fade. Eventually, I’ll stop writing in this journal. That’ll either be a good thing or a bad thing. Either it’s a bad thing because that means I stopped caring and have totally given up on you or that we’re back together and there is no need for the journal. I guess having a journal at all is pretty desperate. I mean… why? This journal is more about us than it is about me. If I keep it… idk. The posts won’t be as long. I don’t know what I’d put in there… or why.

Why did I begin this one? It’s helped me deal with the end of our relationship. It also documents what’s been happening for us. But… eh. It’s the truth. Maybe that’s a bad thing. The truth often isn’t welcome. Maybe I’ll upload it to a blog next year. For giggles. I’ll send you a link to it then. On 9/3/18. Wouldn’t that be fun, eh? Idk. Just an idea. This would make it in there too. It’ll be weird to see me bitching about the format. And converting it would be a pain in my ass. Oh, I’ll make it a Tumblr thing. Set it to public. Not to slut shame you or to shit on Dennis or anything. I just think it’d be good to document. Might be a fun read, idk. ;) Anyways, Adela just came back. I spoke with her. Couldn’t get the scale to work. Earlier today I was in such a good mood, I could have sworn I lost weight. I little bit later, I felt super self-conscious and I felt like I gained weight. I need a scale to measure everything. That way, I won’t get complacent and I won’t have to guess. I could lose 40 pounds and I wouldn’t notice. Though, I think I’d notice gaining 40 pounds at this point. I’ll be honest. Thing is, I didn’t realize I lost weight when I lost 10 pounds. So… weird. I guess it’s easier to see my failures than successes. Hrm…

Whatever.

I’m thinking about when I publicize this all. You probably won’t like it. You’ll probably ask me to take down or not do it at all. Or if you read this, you might ask me to do it. I guess it depends on how I end this journal. We’ll see. It’d only be surprising to people who we don’t know if this is posted. You’ll know how it ends and anyone who knows us will know how it’ll end. And people will be surprised to know I came up with these bullshit titles before I even thought about posting any of this.

No names will be changed. So, if you don’t like it, maybe you can sue. So even if you hate me, you can still have a happy ending. ;) This would be A LOT of honesty. To just put out there. It’ll be nice to have total strangers think I’m crazy too. Ah, well. Shane might have died. He stopped responding to me. So has Walter, actually.

Btw, I told Randy everything. I think I mentioned that. Might not have. Regardless, he responded. Was very nice to me. Kind of sympathetic. It was nice. I had to reiterate that I had nothing against you or Dennis. Though, I guess you’d disagree after reading all of this.

If not against Dennis, then against you. Saying you don’t deserve a second chance. I stand by my words; you really don’t. And Dennis is still a piece of shit. Thing is, I don’t have to like someone to not have a grudge. I don’t have a grudge against Dennis. No vendetta needing fulfilling. And, obviously, no vendetta against you. Rather, you piss me off and Dennis is dead to me. He’s a slimebag piece of shit that literally EVERYONE can see but you. You think he’s awesome, but that’s because he’s a terrible person. You have only his word to take on it. He doesn’t talk to Shane or Jeremiah anymore for a reason. He brought this on himself. Everyone who used to associate with him stopped talking to him. Walter joked about how he didn’t recognize Dennis’s name.

Gotta give him credit, though. At least he’s dedicated to fucking up and cutting contact with everyone he’s ever called friend. If I had known that’s all that it takes to win your heart, I’m sure I wouldn’t be writing this journal. Sorry, but Jer and I have a relationship that you wouldn’t understand. In High School, it was compared to Turk and JD from Scrubs by our friends. The ultimate bromance. Apparently the actors who play them are best friends in real life. That’s interesting. I wonder which one of us was Turk and which one was JD. I haven’t seen much of the show to make a comparison.

Speaking of Jer, he REALLY wants me to download League of Legends. I… probably won’t. Because of reasons. Mostly that I won’t have time for video games between a job, my book, and learning Spanish. I haven’t begun yet but… soon. Measuring life by the week. ;)

Anyways, I’m tired. Also hungry. Going to get food and watch dumb videos. I mean, I could work on my book, but nah. I’m a terrible person with a shitty work ethic. Don’t tell Starbucks, though. ;)

Before I go and begin the next entry… it would appear I’m rather macabre. I was watching JonTron’s old review for a dorky game, I was thinking his bird was going to die soon. I don’t know why I would think that. Birds have a lengthy life, for one… and for two, WHO THE FUCK THINKS ABOUT WHEN SOMEONE LOSES THEIR ANIMALS?!? Ugh… I know it’ll suck to lose a pet. Thing is, I ask this to myself a lot with people’s pets.

Jack died when I came back from Texas the first time. I had to bury him. It sucked. Then there were other pets I had to bury, but he was the most recent. It was… depressing. He went into an old dog house outside and just slept in there the night he died. He was old. Oof… I’m done talking about Jack. Later. x.x

#breakup #slice of life #frustration #depression #getting over it #moving on #journal #a year ago today

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bjornartesttest · 7 years

Text

Februar, 2017

Its about one year since my last post, so I will start this of with a little sum-up about whats been going on in my life since march last year.

In my last post I left it of stating that I was going to chill with the boys, and focus on work. I guess I didnt completely manage to ive up to that. Having that said, Ive been more true to my self then I have in the past at least. The bouS:

Max:

We met a few times on dates, we had a one-night stand and we also went for a walk. I was always a bit scared to get to into him, as it was clear hw wanted to get out of Norway and see the world. And thats what he did He moved to Germany this fall, I think he is haveing a good time there. Good for him!

Pål:

Me and Pål are still friends, though there is something about our chemistry that always ends up with flirting. I think he is still into me. I have a tendency to always reject him in a nice way. He respects it though, and I dont think I am taking advantage of him. I met him last night on his birthday, wich was nice. I dod make sure to go home before I got too drunk though.. We also meet every second month or so though a dinner club we have started with common good freind Siri. Very nice.

Steffen:

We were supposed to meet up again and have some fun a few weeks ago, but hew then all of a sudden had started to date his old summer fling and called it of. Not very suprsing I must say. Speaking of, it might also have something to do with the fact that I dated his ex boyfriend this summer. I found out about it on the last date I had with the guy (whom I cant remember the name of anymore). A very handsome architect in his late 30s. It was sort of a turn-of for us both that we had been with the same guy though I think. More about that later

Other boys:

Marius:

Marous I met around May/June last year. Hes a 36 year old nurse, wirking with HIV at Olafia clinic in Oslo. Marius is in many ways a bit like me. POsitive, firendly, medium self confidence, creative, a bit weird, tall. We were a really good match, and had some very nice dating time before the summer hoilday. For some reason though, It felt like we were a bit to simlar. Not enough friction. So- after my summer holiday when he was away, I was out dancing one night - wich leves me to Ingemar. The guy who made me understand I should not be with Marius anymore (aka I dumped him 3 weeks after I met ingmar).

Ingemar:

24 year old guy. Crazy, handsome, cute, smart and a handfull... We met at the dancefloor and then spent every nihght together for a week. Very intence, and also at the point when I was not done with Marius yet. He was ony on town for a week before he went to exchange studioes at a Architecture aschool in france. We kept in touch during fall and talked a lot on the phone. He met the fwall and kept me in the loop on his journey, wich made our connectionquote special. Somehow I really started to care for him. Whn he came home around chrsitmas, I think we were both wondering about what our connection was really about. I did not really feel a “in love” connection anymore, but I think I tried to lie to myself and try to convince myself that I did. Maybe he did the smae. We met once before xmas, and then we talked and texted thoughtout the holidays about our lives. Very deep - kind of to ddep maybe? I invited him over in the beginning of december, and it kind of felt a bit forced and unromatic. At the same time, we totally opepend up so I know alot about him and vice versa. We ended up concluding with that we are better of as friends. I think thats a good thing, and it will be interesting to see how our connection will continue. Will the freindship thing come natural, or will it still be weird once in a while? Time will show. Im not 100% sure myself about how much it makes sence to be in touch...

Germain:

Me and Germain met a year ago. At that time I had decided to have a boy break, so I dodnt follow up. This fall I saw hime on Gaysir, and invited him out for a date. Hes a super cute, smart mexican 28 year old boy. Very passionate about his studies, hobbies and work, and a stable soul. I like many sides of his. Having that said, we have not met in over a month, so I am not really sure where it is going. He texts me, and want h´to hear how I am doing, but he also never have toime to meet up because of his tight schedule. I have a tight schedule, but I still manage to prioritize. Before xmas, we met maybe 5 times. Nice trios, dates, kissin, food. The last night when we were suposed to have sex was though a bit awkward. We could not go though w it, as he told me he just found out he had an STD in his throat. Aka not even kissing. Anyways, to be honest - I am not really quite sure what to di with him. Its like he is the only one I am currently “in touch” with, but if its not leading anywhere - is it perhaps better to just close the case? If I dont hear from him in a week, I am out.

So . that was my last year with boys. A ot of very interesting boys, but nothing that really hit the right note it seems. Ive been frustrated lately, as it feels like Ive allready met all the good boys in the city, and Im getting anxous out and about as there are so many old flames anywhere I go. Fuck budies, dates, Grid faces... urgh... So - right now I am on a gay break. No applications, no onlune profiles. I even deleted my 10 year old gaysir profile...

It actually feels quite refreshing. I really needed a littel mental break, something I think is really good for me. I will try to keep it up for the next 4 weeks, before I start opening up again. I still have some fuck buddies though, wich helps. Ive meet them both now for quite some time, so it feels safe and nice. Before I started this “off face”, I was very out there. I dont think Ive ever had as much sex in my life as ive had the last 12 months. Because of this, I applied to get PREP in december. Something I ironcly got one week before I deleted my profiles. Its been great to have sex without a condom with my normal partners though. For the past month Ive taken a pill every day, but I will stop doing that and focus it around planned meetings after my next doctors appointment.

So - sum up about boys:

I met a lot of great guys, and now I feel exhausted and a bit drained and frustrated. I have forgotten how it felt to be in a realtionship and beeing cudeled every night. Definelty in a veryindepenent phase somehow. Im k´going to keep it like that for a little bit longer.

Other in life, its been a eventful year. I bought my own appartment, a lovely small place in gamlebyen. Ive spent all of my money and a lot of my time fixing it up and getting it into shape. I am quite happy with it :-)

Also, Ive had a bit of a hard year workwise. Two of my biggest projects ever did not go how I watd them to. I did not manage to stir them the way I wanted, and as a result I crashed a bit last fall mentally. I lost a lot of confidence, and started questioning everything. I dont fell like talking to much a out it, as Ive allready processed it quite well, but what that is worth mentioning though is that it made me think about a lot of things I have not thoght about in a long itme. Such as future goals, dreams, expectations to myself and what that really matters in life.

I am writing this post now partly because I dont want myself to forget the journey I started, and what fruites I have gotten so far. What do I need to do to keep this up?

Basically, I felt frustrated and asked myself what I could do to get more focused, inspired etc. I decided to talk with a school, AHO, and their MA course in service design. I have been thinking about maybe applying there this coming fall. I also talked with one of my bosses to see if I somehow could learn and work with the same things at the office - and school myself there. To be honest - I started up very good - but have not been good at follwing up. I will keep this in mind on my “goals list” in the end of this post.

Ive started working as a voluntair at Sjekkpungt, something thta has been very intersting so far. My role is to test people for HIV. So far Ive only been and the workshops, but in a months time, I will start testing people myself. Looking forward to that.

Ive gotten active in Grafill, and their graphic design group. So far its been really fun. I might take of the the spot as lader of the group ina months time, wich is great. I would love to be more active with those kind of issues.

Work has btw been quite nice now after XMAS. Ive finished all my projects in time, and delivered fairly well on all of them I think.

Ive also managed to get two freelance gigs. One for Stanavger Kunssenter, and one for Tableau. I really enjoy working on them both, now I just need to do them!

Other then that, Ive been hitting the gym A LOT lately, and I am slowly starting to get results. Body feels more toned, and I am starting to get quite comfertable with how I look. I will do what I can to keep it up!

SO - to do list:

- Stay of apps for anohter few weeks

- Give Germain one week to make up his mind, then be straight forward and move on.

- Keep up the gym - six pack by april (text PT)

- Have FUN with freelance work. Focus hard the next few days. Finish webshop, email Katrin, make “shop” logo.

- Start developing the Geology project - Morteza? Karoline?

- Applyi for AHO!!

- Start thinking about potential moves next fall.. Copenhagen? AHO? Other opertunities?

- FInd out how to do more teaching. Who to talk with?

- Read service design books

- Visit Silje

- Eat soup

- Russia

- pay down Mastercard by MAY

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