#btw real life goals is read both
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I did it! This is an IDW AU born while watching The Green Knight (2021), specifically from one movie shot that I'd like to redraw. I was torn on whether or not to draw them all as robots or humans, so I started making designs for their human counterparts first - mostly because it is more fun to come up with clothes and accessories. I will eventually tackle a robot version. This is a long post, btw!
Indeed, this is a completely separate version from the Lion King AU I had come up with a couple of years ago, I just borrowed the crowns because I really liked those designs lol.
But let's set the stage under the cut. You can listen to the playlist on spotify dedicated to it: I've placed the songs in sequence so that they can create a certain vibe for the scenes I had in mind. You can read the plot part while listening.
Some character traits
This royalty au supposes a parliamentary monarchy (like the UK, Spain or Japan). This work is an in-between of later Roman/early Medieval aesthetics and some Futuristic Stuff. The Autobot brand is the royal family crest, while the Decepticon brand can be used to signal the Protector and their entourage, but only in formal settings outside the nation. Usually, the Protector can show elements of the Decepticon colours (red) in their attires.
Optimus Prime
Optimus is prideful and domineering: he knows he has the power to do real damage to people. After all, he was born into royalty and has known no other life. He has anger outbursts, but that's a side effect of his paranoia. At the start of the story, he is not the prime yet. He's around 23-24, already suffering from a mental affliction much like schizophrenia, but, just as in ye old days, the court and his father (Zeta) are not really concerned about his odd behaviours. "He is just volatile", you know. He is also dramatic, making big scenes when his emotions are too cooped up. Optimus, though, is not intentionally cruel - this isn't a Shattered Glass au where he wants some kind of bloodlust sated. He has a deep inner mind, feeling much more like a philosopher and a writer than a brute. This makes him a little naive, too, having people in court (like Prowl) taking advantage of him - and sometimes even Megatron uses his influence on Optimus to stir him where he wants to. He reads a lot, is curious, and is deeply in love with Megatron - sometimes becoming a little cringy about it. He can be a bit of a goofball, telling jokes and being rather affectionate with his family. Sadly, he's a Pisces.
Megatron
Megatron is a diligent engineer who just so happens to pick the Prime's son's interest at some point while assisting his father (Terminus, a strict, distant man) in a job at court. Optimus and Megatron are the same age. He is aloof, quiet and a very good listener. That means he often allows people to speak over him or for him - that doesn't mean, however, that he isn't going to correct them or speak his mind. He is just a careful man. Coming from a rather cold family environment, he has a hard time expressing his emotions, both verbally and physically: he kisses and hugs, sure, but that doesn't come naturally to him. After becoming protector, he has a hard time getting used to the court lifestyle since he is quite bothered by the intricacies of royal "rituals", may they be clothing, hairstyles or make-up choices. Or Starscream fussing over him about that all day. He also often stands up against abuse of power, especially from Optimus. They fight quite a lot. He enjoys drawing (buildings, like architecture) and reading novels, but he's not particularly cultured. He is also, sadly, an Aquarius. (And transgender, but this has no political or social bearing in the story besides being Rodimus' biological carrier).
Prowl
Prowl is about fifteen years older than Optimus, becoming his advisor once Zeta Prime passes in "a tragic accident". He is ambitious, cunning and... Deceptive. His ultimate goal is to push Optimus to insanity, convince the parliament he is unfit to rule and become reagent in his stead. This would allow him to create an oligarchy with other senators. His words always support Optimus' delusions, abusing the Prime's naivety for his scheming. Prowl thinks of Optimus as an idiot lucky enough to be born in a high position in the social pyramid. He has attempted various times to "warn" Megatron, one of the few people who is extremely suspicious of Prowl. And by warn, I mean having him pushed down the stairs, giving him a nice broken leg. He also acts suspiciously around Rodimus.
Zeta Prime
Zeta Prime was a balanced, careful ruler. He held concerns about his son's future, as he thought Optimus wasn't fit for a leading role. He was a stern man and often frustrated by Optimus' antics. However, their relationship was on good terms. He was "found" dead by Prowl during a political meeting abroad, as he was standing in for Alpha Trion (Zeta's advisor), prompting Optimus' coronation. Zeta wasn't sick, but all primes in this AU suffer from haemophilia (a hereditary illness that makes it harder for the body to stop bleeding).
Rodimus
Rodimus was born three years into Optimus' primacy. He was brought up in a restrictive environment, as Megatron grew more suspicious of Prowl, fearing for Rodimus' safety. That translated into Rodimus feeling anxious when Megatron's not around (for too long, at least) and becoming a little jealous of him, even if it's Optimus taking Megatron's attention. Rodimus uses "dad" for Megatron and "Father" for Optimus. He doesn't like Optimus too much, usually bearing his presence and ignoring him whenever he can, but deep down he worries about his father, too. He is a very knowledgeable child with a vast vocabulary, as he enjoys books of every kind and, just like his dad, he is a good listener, learning a lot from the "adult conversations" around him. Rodimus is often seen together with Starscream (his nanny, in a way lol), who he is fond of but has difficulties showing it. He becomes Prime-to-be at the age of 16, like all Primes.
Starscream
Starscream was the royal alchemist, an inspired researcher and a man of science. He is loyal and has strong opinions on many subjects, especially on morals and ethics. That is also why, during Zeta's late reign, he was demoted to servant with the accusation of insubordination. He is still a high-grade servant, usually dealing with bureaucracy... Until a new Protector shows up, that is. As soon as Megatron becomes a Protector-to-be, he is assigned the role of first maid in assisting him, a task he takes very seriously. Although Megatron's distance and lack of interactions with him drive him quite mad at first, he slowly realises they're quite compatible. Their relationship evolves into confidants and then friends, as Megatron often takes Starscream's side. Also, Starscream has been suspicious of Prowl since day one. He enjoys Rodimus until he starts being a little opinionated pest-- but he's fond of the child, even as he grows older and more anxious. His hobby is sneaking into the court laboratories and fixing whatever annotations made by other alchemists he deems wrong.
Skywarp & Thundercracker
They are part of the Protector's entourage (and Starscream's brothers). Skywarp is a little airheaded, a bit clumsy, and usually focuses on entertainment, mostly writing poems and songs. He is the only one who knows all the intricate inner passages of the court's buildings by heart, meaning he never gets lost. Thundercracker, on the other hand, is a bit more cocky. He is built like a brick, so he helps with manual tasks and is a decent leader, usually picking up the ranks when Starscream is busy. Both of them were not demoted like their brother, they just started working at the court as high-grade servants. They are very loyal to Megatron, although they treat him more like a royal than a friend.
The Plot (generally speaking)
Optimus is interested in this one engineer working at the court he has seen a couple of times in the last few months. He is gorgeous, and it sounds like a fun time to fill in his afternoons, maybe even getting some sex out of it. That's a thing he hasn't lacked in his life, like most royals he was used to having sex workers available at whim. However, Megatron doesn't seem too affected by the Prime-to-be's attention. He is very deadpan and interested in him as a person; he finds Optimus interesting and funny, so, in a matter of weeks, they kind of hit it off, Optimus falling madly in love with this man, spending most of the time daydreaming and absolutely useless at his duties, much to Zeta's dismay.
As this love story progresses over the next couple of years, Prowl's machination starts rolling out: being a young overachiever, he patiently waits for the chance to get rid of Zeta in a way that doesn't point directly to him. After all, Prowl is trusted and seen as loyal and caring for the Primes he serves; he is an incredibly talented actor, having the support of a few Autobot senators, too. On an out-of-country political trip, he lets Zeta bleed to death, coming back home in a hurry to announce the Prime's death and rushing Optimus' coronation. At this point, Optimus is not mentally ready to hold that position; he is quickly pushed to marry Megatron, making him his Protector. In a matter of a year and a half, Optimus' mental state quickly deteriorates, allowing Prowl to take hold of the neo-Prime's decisions.
Optimus' mental illness worsens, which stresses Megatron into stirring his husband away from Prowl. Rodimus is born in that worried, paranoid environment. Although mostly wanted by Optimus as one of his fixations (and also discouraged by Prowl himself), Rodimus brings more stability to the court. Megatron finally takes hold of Optimus' volatile behaviour as Rodimus grows older, making the Prime doubt his advisor's suggestions more than once. Prowl, thus, "warns" Megatron to lay low, having him pushed down the stairs. The goal wasn't to kill Megatron but to show him Prowl could. As Rodimus turns seven, Megatron becomes more anxious and paranoid, rubbing that over to his son. Optimus doesn't allow them to go around the court or outside without being accompanied.
Prowl's hold on Optimus slowly slips away. At the time of Rodimus' coronation as a Prime-to-be, during a medical examination for his haemophilia, the court physician (Ratchet) tells him he needs to be careful, as that illness was Zeta's cause of death. That was a known thing, of course, but it made Optimus think over the mechanics of his father's death in a way only an obsession-driven man can. He confides with Megatron over his suspicion of Prowl killing his father, and finally, they seem to be on the same page on this...
This is somehow the story up to now. I don't know if I'll update it further. I just enjoy the idea of whatever can happen in this setting. I hope you enjoyed reading this wall of text.
#transformers#shattered glass#maccadam#starscream#megop#megatron#optimus prime#rodimus#megaop#prowl#alternate universe#skywarp#thundercracker#humanformers#fanart#erinni#Spotify#a morte
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HIIIII I LOVE YOUR POSTS SO MUCH IF YOU DIDNT NOTICED I WAS ONE OF YOUR FOLLOWERS WHO LIKE YOUR POSTS THE EARLIEST ANYWAYS I HOPE YOU HAVE A GREAT AND AMAZING DAY I HOPE YOU FEEL HAPPY AND JOYFULL! STAY SAFE :DDDD
Oh and btw i love love LOVED the last post you made :3 wasnt able to like it early since i was at school but can i please req a Zoro reader with a yan Yelan , Beidou , Alhaitham (all hail the ham XD) and Neuvillete (idk how to spell his name😒🙄) ANYWAYS PLEASE TAKE YOUR TIME REMEMBER TO EAT REST AND DRINK WATER <<<333
Plus points if reader is in luffys pirate crew , has 3 swords and stronger than Beidou and Yelan 🥰🥰🥰🥰🥰
YOUR THE BEST POOKS EHEHHEHEHE<<<<333 :D :3
(stan chuu 🥰🥰🥰😱😱😱)
LOVE YOU POOKS 🥰🥰🥰😍😍😍😍
i didn't wanna answer this one cause it's so cute and i wanted to keep it in my inbox foreverrrrr but i really appreciate the compliments ;v; <33 also i won't lie, Zoro is not one of my favorites from One Piece (i like greasy/deranged men) but i love his character, i was also binging some episodes while writing this and also this is pre-timeskip zoro cause that's where i'm at currently and brainrot be real but i hope you enjoy :D <3
Warning: this post contains yandere-themes, including delusional behaviors, implied being held against will, mentions of violence, and other potential topics. Please read at your own risk!
Yandere!Yelan would be stressed out, not only do you wield three swords and seem to always get yourself in trouble, but you’re always getting lost. She’s at least glad that you can take care of yourself if the need arises but your obsession with being Teyvat’s Greatest Swordsman is a little out of control. She prefers that you don’t go out without her because she knows you’ll get lost, but if you should otherwise she’ll be sure to send out someone to follow you, keeping her informed of your location and every move.
Yelan smiled to herself as you trained in the backyard. While your bizarre workout routine often had her a bit worried, she admired your dedication to her work. There was a lot about you she loved, but your dedication to your goals was what drew her in, reminding her of herself sometimes. She had to keep you on a tight leash though, your lack of direction often leaving you in places you shouldn’t end up in. She never minded though, it was just another of your adorable quirks, something she found keeping her on her toes. Yelan loved you and all your strange, unique quirks.
Yandere!Beidou would find you very admirable, chasing so strongly after your ambitions as she had. While killing a Leviathan and becoming Teyvat’s Greatest Swordsman are two different life goals, she thinks you're an amazing individual for chasing your dreams so wholeheartedly.
Beidou smiled down at you from the top deck, watching as you polished your blades. While she didn’t understand the need for three swords, she knew you enjoyed it and so she never questioned it. She was grateful you didn’t put up a fight when it came to traveling on the Crux with her, not that you ever seemed to know where they were headed. It just made it easier for her to keep an eye on you, with your habit of wandering off and getting lost just to end up in a fight that she later patches you up from. She loved you and all your quirks but sometimes she wondered how you came to be this way, it wasn’t something you seemed keen to talk about.
Yandere!Alhaitham would find a beloved like this both a blessing and a curse. He loves your passion for swordfighting, often fighting with you for a bit of practice. While you certainly outmatch him with just one sword alone, he uses his intellect to spar with you, learning your moves and putting you into positions where you have to adapt and overcome. He finds the exercise to be an enjoyable break from his work, allowing him to keep his physical skills as sharp as his mental ones. He refuses to let you go anywhere by himself though, worried you’ll get lost and run into trouble, again.
Alhaitham smirked as he blocked another attack from you, having memorized every attack you’ve ever used against him. It was times like this that he enjoyed most with you, a proper challenge between brains and brawn. While your workout routine was intense, his mind was equally as polished, leaving the duels between the two of you relatively intense. On afternoons where you weren’t dueling, it was common to go into town, with Alhaitham usually picking up books or other things at stores while dragging you along with him. Even if he knew you were going to nap the whole time he was gone, he still didn’t trust you to not fight something or get lost while he was gone. So instead he took you to every store with him, keeping a tight watch over you and oftentimes tying a ribbon gently around your wrists that connected to his belt.
Yandere!Neuvillette has no choice but to keep you locked up inside while he’s gone simply because he knows otherwise you’ll get lost and he’ll be seeing you in the courtroom for yet another fight you got into. He doesn’t mind it though, knowing that at home you only do a few things, train, polish your swords, and nap. And while he admires your dream to be Teyvat’s Greatest Swordsman, he thinks you should settle for the strength you currently possess and simply stay here in Fontaine with him.
Unlocking the door and stepping in after a long day in court, Neuvillette isn’t surprised to see you napping in the livingroom. He will admit that the first few times he saw you napping, simply sitting on the floor up against a wall with all three swords nearby, he thought it was strange, insisting that you sleep in the bedroom or at least on the couch. Now though, he understands that it’s simply the way you are, quietly approaching and smirking as your eyes flicker open, looking up at the man. “Your senses are as sharp as ever I see.” Neuvillette offers you a hand, gently pulling you to your feet as you stretch, asking about his day. He enjoys the quiet life he has and he prefers to try and force you to comply than let you roam free, after all he’s doing this for the betterment of society. You’re simply too dangerous.
#genshin x reader#genshin x male reader#yandere genshin x reader#yandere genshin x male reader#yelan x reader#yelan x male reader#yandere yelan x reader#yandere yelan x male reader#beidou x reader#beidou x male reader#yandere beidou x reader#yandere beidou x male reader#alhaitham x reader#alhaitham x male reader#yandere alhaitham x reader#yandere alhaitham x male reader#neuvillette x reader#neuvillette x male reader#yandere neuvillette x reader#yandere neuvillette x male reader#yandere genshin#yandere yelan#yandere beidou#yandere alhaitham#yandere neuvillette
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hello friends 💕 thank you to everyone for all the tags over the last few days and weeks (I will tag under the cut). I have not written any words since i posted angel fic because the brain is mushy peas rn. Instead, here are some words I wrote yesterday unrelated to fic but related to me (tw parental illness / mental health).
btw the fic that made me cry was The Impossible Soul by @cha-melodius. Everyone should read it and weep. One of the best pieces of writing I've read in a long while.
I hope everyone had a nice week 💕 I have been off grid spending time with friends (irl AND fandom -@wordsofhoneydew , @inexplicablymine !) in an effort to spark joy again! Finding happiness in the little victories can be tough when your goals feel like mountains in the distance. It has been a journey.
also, a sincere and heartfelt thank you to anyone who has read, enjoyed, commented on, or yelled at me about my angel!henry fic. it has been a real light in my life right now to have this community of people engaging with a work that was both meaningful to me and cathartic to write. I am trying to practice what I preach as angel!henry and find peace in the small luxuries of life. Sometimes, this can be hard. For all of my friends who have dealt with mental illness or grief or loss or pain, I am here for you and I am holding out my hand. Much love always. 🤍
Thanks for helping me along. 🥰 Hope you have a good week ahead. I hope my muse returns soon. Maybe when the clouds part eventually! I am slowly chipping away at an angel fic epilogue. Hope you love. 🥰
xoxo roop
+ tags under the cut. sorry if I missed a tag or two, tumblr keeps eating my tags and drafts and it is not on purpose I promise 😭
@kiwiana-writes @porcelainmortal @leaves-of-laurelin @bigassbowlingballhead @captainjunglegym
@sophie1973 @violetbaudelaire-quagmire @anincompletelist @sherryvalli @piratefalls
@nocoastposts @thedramasummer @thinkof-england @itsmaybitheway @dumbpeachjuice
@suseagull04 @littlemisskittentoes @welcometololaland @onthewaytosomewhere @adreamareads
@msmarvelouswinchester @happiness-of-the-pursuit @cricketnationrise @rmd-writes @mikibwrites
@clottedcreamfudge @eusuntgratie @priincebutt @getmehighonmagic @duchessdepolignaca03
@alasse9 @nontoxic-writes @affectionatelyrs @ships-to-sail @myheartalivewrites
@14carrotghoul @orchidscript @sparklepocalypse @tailsbeth-writes @oxfordslutphase
@magicandarchery @indestructibleheart @anchoredarchangel @onward--upward
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what do you think of the take that the amount of rape is justified because it’s realistic, as in real life sadly women and children do get raped and SAd a lot more especially during wars, and realistically, sadly it’s usually very hard for them to fight back against this and stop it from happening. (Let’s ignore the way it is depicted in the manga for sake of discussion btw, though I know it’s kind of hard to do that here lol). I’ve seen it argued that berserk is actually very feminist in this regard because it doesn’t shy away from showing how depraved and cruel men are to women and how rapey a lot of them would be if there was nothing holding them back from acting on their dark impulses.
lol well ignoring how Berserk does it, I think theoretically a work of fiction can be full of rape and successfully come across as realistic. It can indeed add to a dark, gritty tone. But I think it ought to do more than that to justify being included in a story. If a scene is only doing one thing for the story (such as adding to the realistic tone) then imo it tends to feel shallow. When that scene is rape, it's extra egregious because when a rape scene feels shallow and tacked on, it becomes potentially quite offensive. And whatever else it does should complement the first goal, rather than contradict it, so eg turning the audience on works at cross-purposes to establishing a realistic tone. If the rape said something about a character, or contributed to a theme, or the plot, or worldbuilding, etc then it can get points for adding to a realistic tone in addition, imo.
You can also reference rape as a danger in a certain dark, gritty setting without constantly depicting it as set-dressing, which also helps establish a realistic tone without risking crossing over into gratuitous, laughable porn territory.
Like, basically if a work is full of rape, I would expect that rape to be in the story because the story is about rape in some way. If it's solely to add realism, then it's going to feel exploitative and cheap, rather than realistic, imo.
Now, to be fair to Berserk lol, arguably it is about rape to some extent, like thematically. I actually got no beef with Berserk as a story having a lot of rape in it, again in theory. It also ticks another personal box of mine in terms of rape-as-realism, ie male characters get raped and/or sexually threatened as well. Not as often, granted, but it's more than most rape-fest stories manage. Realistically, in areas like war zones or other sites of conflict, men are statistically in much greater danger of rape, which is something a lot of 'rape is realistic!' arguments like to ignore.
(Relatedly, I once read and enjoyed this essay about the rape as realism argument. I'd recommend it.)
So like, Berserk is the kind of story that I think could get away with having a lot of rape in it. In terms of theme it's about trauma, abuse of power, exploitation, etc. Both our male protags have been raped, and in fact I quite like that for a chunk of the story Casca was the only one out of the three central characters who hadn't been raped, even if she does get threatened with it like fifty times.
Donovan telling Guts it happens all the time in armies is, imo, a good moment of dark realism. Casca's attempted assault while running from the 100 man fight, eg, also strikes me as largely realistic. Gennon's too much of a flat homophobic caricature to take seriously as a realistic predator imo, but the way he preys on Griffith's guilt complex and need for money feels realistic to me.
Buuut it eventually starts to get silly lol. A prolonged setpiece with a monster tearing off Casca's clothes and nearly raping her until Guts cuts off his dick complete with funny quipping doesn't do much to add realism to the story. Adon's overlong screeds about how he's going to turn Casca into a sex toy are practically used as comic relief during the Doldrey fight, rather than realism. And why is Casca the only one who gets raped by monsters during the Eclipse? Rape is about power, and when you have a whole host of powerful beings driven by their darkest urges during a ceremony called a 'festival' and a whole party of helpless victims for them, it defies belief to me that only the woman is subject to rape.
Also the way p much every dude Casca encounters post-Eclipse tries to rape her is unrealistic in the opposite way lol, I truly do not think men even in the middle ages were all uniformly rapists when given a convenient victim. Or the bandits who threaten Jill with rape - they're campy cartoon caricatures, it's hardly a realistic scene even ignoring the possessed tree.
etc etc
Realism is only a reason for including rape if the depiction is also realistic, and if the tone is striving for realism (which tbh Berserk often is not), and if the amount of rape actually does feel realistic rather than wildly exaggerated for the sake of drawing naked background women.
I think Miura also realized this considering how heavily he cut back on the rape at a certain point. Like, eg does the Millenium Falcon arc feel less realistic because Farnese hasn't been threatened with rape a bunch of times? Should one or both of the kids have a csa backstory for the sake of realism?
Also I don't think it's feminist to write men as if they're all rapists-in-waiting, I think that's actually pretty anti-feminist. It's one thing to acknowledge that men are statistically more likely to commit rape than women, and against women, but writing men like deep down they're all horndogs who just can't resist an easy victim, again like how 9/10 men Casca encounters in the Conviction arc try to rape her, shifts the blame from social and institutional power dynamics enabling abuses of that power (ie patriarchy) to biology, which is bs and counter to feminist goals (outside of some subsets of radical feminism.)
Anyway, yeah. Basically my take is that if you're adding rape to a story for the sake of realism, the depiction and the actual amount of rape you add should also be realistic (there is such a thing as too much), and there should still be a point to it beyond realism. If it doesn't serve the story, it doesn't matter how realistic it is imo. And Berserk does it well sometimes, but usually fails in evoking realism.
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welcome to my very own analysis of edgeworths character and insane rambling on why i write him Like That. first of all i want to rec one of my favorite essay on political theory/legal philosophy of possibly all time aka the discourse on voluntary servitude by la boétie (which you can read here, its also a fantastic text to read in these coronation/anti-monarchy times)
anyway, if you don't want to read it (although it is quite a short and clear read), the main thesis of this essay is that basically a corrupt political system/dictatorship (here called a tyranny) doesn't stay in place because people are afraid of change and rebellion, but because people don't want anything to change, and they're satisfied with their condition, therefore complicit with the system (see also MLK's quote on white moderates "but the white moderate who is more devoted to 'order' than to justice; who prefers a negative peace which is the absence of tension to a positive peace which is the presence of justice; who constantly says 'I agree with you in the goal you seek, but I can't agree with your methods of direct action'")
the tl;dr here is that a system stays in place because no one does anything to change it, and people prefer turning a blind eye to the situation but its not because they're afraid of a new system, it's because they're scared of what it will take to get this new system.
with that being said i think that edgeworths anger and resentment at the legal system post turnabout goodbyes wouldn't be directed at the system right away because he upheld the system. he loved it! (which btw is so so much worse than killing his father. he didn't kill his father but he's complicit in enforcing a terrible legal system!!!!!!!! awful)
and miles loved this system!! i think that even at the worst point of his bratworth era he still believed he was Bringing Fair And Real Justice and was doing The Right Thing. but what happens when you realize this system is deeply, incredibly flawed? when you've spent your whole life fighting for it? deliberately ignoring the ugly parts of it in favor of maintaining a perfect win record?
that's when you choose death!!!! (literally or figuratively depending on how you analyze it.)
i looooove edgeworth celebrating his not guilty verdict but he would start thinking about what he's done. which again is so much worse than simply killing his dad. like he literally says that in rfta
and thats so??? fucking sad!?!!! because how is he supposed to trust in himself now??? phoenix (no matter how good his intentions were) HAS entirely destroyed his whole worldview!!!!!!!! and thus the unnecessary feelings line but you can read more about my thoughts about that line here (tl;dr this line for me a) challenges his views (see supra) b) didn't phoenix "steal" his dream of becoming a defense attorney, in a way? phoenix had the chance to move on and change things for the better but miles... didn't.
ANYWAY edgeworth gets angry at individuals, after turnabout goodbyes, because he hasn't realized how deep the corruption runs yet - he's angry at phoenix, at misty, at everyone who either failed to protect him (misty, mvk, the mvk household, maybe even his own dad for """leaving him behind"""???) OR tried to protect him from this system (phoenix, maya - because how dare they challenge his views on this system he has oh so loved?) also you can read this post here because it really summarizes my feelings about his aa1 arc
every day there is a new media where two people are fighting together for a system. they both come to realise the system is flawed, and while one of them tries to take the system down, the other decides it is still necessary and must be protected at all costs. why is it always the first one who becomes the villain? who is deeply sympathetic but goes too far in their quest for justice? i think for once it should be the second one who is trying so hard to protect the system they believe in that they slowly slip into tyranny
i dont really have a conclusion here but i will say that i think The Note and edgeworths year off were necessary (as tragic as it was) for both edgeworth & phoenix because theyre insane they need some time to think about how much they don't know nor understand each other anymore at this point in time. anyway. thanks for reading?!! i hope this made sense. mwah!
#ace attorney#miles edgeworth#ace attorney meta#i wrote a good chunk of this the evening after i had a final sdjkdsf so hopefully this will make a bit of sense also its so LONG IM SORRY#🦔 : chatters#tw suicide mention
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vn in a bottle: her tears were my light
ah i've found something very nice
decided to read some short vns to figure out how to write one and i thought this first one i went for appropriately explicitly defined starts, middles, and endings as part of it's narrative. along with the whole time travel shebang (you play as time) i found this was a bit too appropriate for what i was deciding to write but thought hey this is the universe nudging me gently into finishing the thing.
the story starts with time all alone, and finding space. i love the whole love at first sight schtick, oh and there's an implication of fated lovers thing ("it's like i've met you before" and all that jazz)
space is very cute
i find it difficult to talk about this game without spoiling it bc it's really short and there's not much to say about the exposition apart from space being super cute (the whole thing is around ~30 mins for me, at least less than an hour)
well, to be a bit less vague, i like the story's themes of loneliness. relationships are a complex thing, and memories aren't so reliable sometimes. and people do ultimately change. we misunderstand, we discuss, we compromise. i like that the story reminds us to do our best to try not to leave anyone in our lives lonely.
oh the the fluff between the characters is great, i like a lot
OH forgot to mention the music, it's super good. it fits over the emotional parts so well, especially the true ending song geez. also there are vocal tracks in the extras using eleanor forte and they're really good i need them on like, spotify to put in a playlist (one of them is there, it wasn't my fav but this is pretty nice)
go play this game it's free on itch over here you can play it in your browser no downloads just a bit of loading time
her tears were my light by NomnomNami (itch.io)
spoilers beyond this point
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if it gets you to play it you should know you get to kiss the girls
so you have to save space from being killed by this other girl nil, and she has the power to stop you from rewinding so you gotta start at the start every time you try to save space
the whole "doing different things but always leading to the same result" (insanity) plot line is very appealing to me, and this vn has that. space is killed every time you try to reset. you reset anyway. wowza. i love that.
eventually, we find out nil and space are the same, which is implied by their similar appearances and parallels and stuff. i like that, that's cool, so at that point the goal for you is to reconcile the two of em despite them being polar opposites of each other (space is the girlfailure and nil is the girlboss)
it genuinely hurt me resetting out of the nil ending btw, i didn't get a screenshot but jeezums (nil is best girl sorry)
a few resets in you get to have this moment with space
it's great
i don't like that this kiss decides you abandon nil, though. well, you come around eventually.
you get the true beginning by talking things out with nil, making up for what you've done (even if you don't remember), and deciding not to abandon either of them. that's great, i like that a lot. talking is good.
nil is super cute
to talk a bit more, i like how nil gets so desperate to the point that time misunderstands her intentions. i think, that like happens a fair bit in real life. heck if someone forgot about me to go and have fun with someone else i would uh, die. time hears her out eventually and they come to a compromise and it all works out for the three of them. they both forgive each other. and space doesn't die (yay)
the true beginning is basically a poly ending and that makes this vn a 10/10
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btw can you do eunchae's current energy reading and any solo gigs for her like magazine shoot, mc for award show , variety show, brand ambassador etc
Hi sure 💗
Current energy:
Knight of wands: little sis is busy. She is constantly moving. She is making strides towards her goals. She is doing things in a courageous approach. Eunchae is feeling enthusiastic about what she is doing currently. Seems like maybe cb preparation and she is feeling pumped up
3 of cups Reversed: I think in terms of her social life she is detached. I am getting a sense of loneliness here. She is feeling the lack of friends perhaps due to her busy schedules and idol life. She also feels lack of support from people around her. I think they do reach out to her, but somehow they are not doing it in a way that she feels supported. She dont feel the support even if people around her gave theirs. They are not doing it right. Its not reaching her is what i am hearing.
Four of Pentacles reversed: right now, eunchae is facing some difficulties of letting go. Of something that does not serve her any purpose. I think she is holding on to the point that it could affect her. So she needs to loosen her grip and be more open to sharing, whether its her time or her space. She is pretty closed off right now that explains why the support of others couldn't reach her. Eunchae is blocking it her herself bcs she is busy holding on this 'thing'.
Queen of wands: however she is feeling very determined, energetic and she is having this strong charisma with her right now. She is forming that charisma of a queen sitting proudly on her throne, holding onto a wand. So very bold . I think her being closed of and holding to that issue is making her more determined to comeback stronger. She is a phase where her passion and dynamic will start to influence the people around her.This magnetic energy can open up pathways for success and new possibilities, making it a promising time for personal and professional endeavors.
The Empress reversed:however she may feel like there is a lack of growth and creativity. This cause her to lack self-nurturing. She might start thinking that she is not good enough or all those negative thoughts like self-hate. This is suggesting that self-care or a new approach may be necessary for her. Because she is in her head thinking that this is a period of stagnation, it manifested into something real. In fact it was not the case in the first place. It could cause her to find difficulty in expressing creativity and worsen the lack of self-nourishment. The reversed Empress prompts Eunchae to refocus on her personal growth, to explore new creative outlets, and to ensure that she is prioritizing self-care as a means of overcoming these challenges.
Overall energy/eight of wands: she is making MASSIVE progress. On all aspects of her life but mostly her career. This tarot card represents a phase of your life marked by accelerated motion and bustling energy. It’s a time when plans and ideas are set into motion, and results come quicker than anticipated, propelling you forward in your journey. So she can expect rapid developments in whatever effort she put in. This dynamic energy can lead to exciting opportunities and the swift resolution of pending issues, so it’s a time for Eunchae to stay alert and adaptable.
Conclusion: her current energy is a mix of both but overall very positive. Its normal for a person to be in their head as long as they move on, let go and contihue to push through. Even now as I am writing, this i can feel a surge of excitement of happiness and curiousity as to what the future is gg to offer.
For future / solo gigs im gg to pull some oracle instead of tarot just as a bonus. So here are the cards:
Success in tranformation: yes but I think Eunchae seems to be more focused in her transformation and wanting to hone her expertise and skills. She dont really care about brand ambassador or any solo activities of that kind. (Which is crazy to me cause she is my ult and I want her to get opportunities too.) But to her its not as important as being able to progress and become better at certain aspects.( for eg: her dance skills) She care about her dance more, so if her management dont give her product endorsement or any face of luxury brands she really couldnt care less.
External Validation: people around her will start to realise how good she is when it comes to her eloquency. Its the way she speaks , her word choices will make peak people's interest. And people in the industry will probably approach her regarding this and offer her opportunities that allows her to display this skill. A lot of praises is about to come her way. She will feel very validated by people around her.
Bravely market your magic: eunchae will be attracting a lot of opportunities just by being herself. She will be able to pull ppl , business owners in because of her personality. Its like she has the pull,the aura that matches certain brands. And they will want her. In fact , the agency does not need to find for her endorsements. Its going to come knocking at their door. It is THE HONG EUNCHAE that is enough to want her as the face of your brand.
The spark of hustle: Eunchae has been working so hard behind close doors and because she is the maknae of the team people tend to oversee her talents and abilities. This is the point in life where her hardwork will pay off. Its gg to blow up. All aspects of her will be seen. And people will realise how good she is. Spark of the hustle also means that her opportunities will blow up because of her hard work being recognised. Like i said all sorts of opportunities will be laid out to her like a silver platter. Its like a domino effect of good things coming her way because of Eunchae's patience to continue grinding.
You Are the light: i think this aspect is where her postiveness as a person is going to be the very reason she is appreciated. Her being the light everywhere she goes brings her to places she needed to be and places where she deserves to be. She is just that person. And that energy of positiveness is going to pull people in. Its gg to reel opportunities in. What she wants is going to be what she gets.
I hope u like my reading this is a looooong one but yeah overall its very positive💗
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Today's OCtober prompt is relationships! I don't have the energy to draw today, so an infodump will have to suffice instead. I'll be talking about Kyo (he/him) and Kit (they/it)!
Kyo and Kit are old ocs you've probably seen a lot if you followed me prior to 2022. They're some of my og ocs! They're two twins who are very close to each other but their relationship isn't exactly the healthiest... They're very codependent for trauma reasons. But it's ok, they cope with it later and get better :)
Tw for cult trauma
The basic gist of their story is that they grew up in a cult thanks to their mom falling in love with the cult leader. Kyo always wanted to escape but Kit was too scared to and didn't want to admit that their mother was abusive. The first time they tried to escape Kit ended up drowning, so Melanie, their mom, killed Luca, a demigod of death Kit considered an older sibling, to bring Kit back to life. Kit is very much burdened with this, at only the age of 14 :(
This is Luca btw everyone say hi
Anyway the second time they tried to escape was successful but they've never really lived in the real world so it was hard for the two of them to adjust. Because of the trauma they endured within the cult, they both have an extreme ride or die attitude with each other and would probably kill if anyone got in their way.
However there starts to be a divide as they get older, Kyo has a goal of killing their mom and Lola (the cult leader), and starts becoming obsessed with it. Kit is not a big fan of this because they're holding onto the non existent hope that their mother is redeemable but alas. It causes issues.
Kyo is generally the "happy go lucky" one of the two, he's funny and charismatic, and tends to attract a lot of attention. On the other hand, Kit is way more reserved and grumpier than Kyo, and more stoic and attracts a lot of negative attention. It does seem like they're very different, but they're actually pretty much the same at their core- they're both skeptic, paranoid people who are willing to betray others if it means they stay safe. They both also are pretty selfish and apathetic towards other people (though surprisingly Kit has a bit more sympathy than Kyo), and have a bad temper.
While fragments of life isn't a story where mental health is a central theme, Kyo and Kit have a theme of surviving abuse and the ways to cope with it- Kyo is bitter and wants revenge to the point of it being all he cares about, but Kit wants to believe that it wasn't as bad as it seems. They both end up meeting a middle ground of accepting that it was as bad as it is, but they can't dwell on it forever and need to heal so they can move on. Also Kit finally accepts it is morally correct to kill your abuser ♥️
They're both insane but I love them. They helped me a lot in my teen years with coping with my own familial abuse. I finally got the closure that I needed (which was an apology and effort to work on themselves) but I know for everyone that isn't always what the outcome will be. But my goal for them is to show that it's okay to have trauma and it's okay to want to do something about it, but it's really unhealthy to engulf yourself in it and not let people help you.
Anyway yeah those are my scrunklies I could write a whole dissertation on them but I wanted to keep this fairly short haha, hope you enjoyed if you read it all!
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i know your requests are closed but have you done a love life reading for skz? if so can you link it thanks!
I haven't done one yet, but here it is (also since there are a couple of other people asking for it)!
btw- I'm back on my stray kids bs, so ask me all you want about them!! I'm really excited to read on them 💃🏻
Bang Chan || the magician, six of wands: I think he's talking to/seeing someone right now, but nothing's official. This reads as the talking stages of a relationship - although I don't think there are any real romantic feelings as of yet. If anything, he found someone who fits into his "ideal type" or he's really enjoying getting to know that person and learning about their life and interests. He's just kinda fascinated with them, in a way?
Lee Know || three of cups rx, page of cups: So… does he have a crush on someone who's already taken OR is there a third party involved in his relationship with someone?? Either way, we're seeing 3 people over here, and Lee Know in his feelings over someone. A romantic confession has been made or is yet to be made, and I'd confidently say it's coming from him towards someone else. (mind you- this could also be talking about 1 person entertaining both him and someone else, whether he knows it or not!! he's being naive with his situation, so there's that…)
Changbin || three of wands, two of swords: I feel like he's single, to be honest… Changbin is focused on his wants and needs, and seems to have decided to stop sacrificing those in the name of love. It's all about personal development and choosing his peace. He's not searching for love; love must find him wherever he is.
Hyunjin || two of swords, three of wands (the temperance - to clarify why the repeated cards): ?? Is Hyunjin in on it with Changbin? Are they on a personal development journey together? He's trying to find balance and peace in his life. This also reminds me of when someone decides to start going to the gym in order to get their ideal figure, so they can date or flirt more confidently - does that make sense?? He's just trying to better himself and, until he reaches his desired goals, he's not letting relationships distract him.
Han || the hanged man, six of pentacles: He's single, I'd say, but there are some options available for him. Friends might be trying to set him up with someone or he could be trying to get someone's contact. Either way, he's not in a rush to enter a new relationship or make anything official with anyone.
Felix || three of swords, six of swords: He's currently getting over someone/a relationship that left him really heartbroken. He's focused on healing - that's all… very clear and short. Wish him the best!
Seungmin || the emperor, the empress: I- this man is very serious about someone right now… he's thinking long-term, family, building a legacy together. He feels like he found his perfect match! However, bottom of the deck was 7 of cups, so I'm not too sure if he's ACTUALLY in a relationship with this person. I mean- he could be, but 70% is illusions and daydreaming. I heard "playing house", so that could also be the case?
I.N || the star, queen of swords: Mtl single and fine with it. He's comfortable with his current situation and is very focused on himself, it seems. Could be crushing on a specific person, tho (potential air sign/aquarius placements, given the cards).
(Disclaimer: all readings are alleged and for entertainment purposes only.)
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I'd like the director's cut on the "you cannot afford to die" passage because. I read it like a month ago and I still can't get it out of my head GRARGH it's so good!!
Dunno how much I have to say about it because that's very much how I speak in real life, but I'll try!
I wrote that bit early in the lostbelt arc iirc. During Observer of Timeless Temple Guda states that they're fighting because they want to live, and that is still very true (cf garden of lost wills/lb6) but I think that at least in the early lostbelts there was also a big guilt component here. It's the sunk cost fallacy. If so many people died to keep me alive the least I can do is stay alive as long as possible.
"If you forget, where will [this dead one] go?" is actually a bit from the Apocrypha novel that has been haunting me since I first read it two years ago. I don't care much for the Apocrypha mages but this line. Dear god.
Repetition is in writing is always a good way to showcase spiralling and/or obsession and brother you can bet whoever with that mindset better be obsessed with the goal of staying alive.
"What are you willing to do to achieve your goal, what does it mean to want something more than anything" and "What makes a human, how far can you go until you can't call yourself one anymore" are both themes that are very dear to me. Which is why this is the lens I apply constantly on Guda btw. Lion in human hide, would eat the sun to stay alive, you know how it goes.
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Do you mind if I ask your top 10 favorite characters (can be male or female) from all of the media that you loved (can be anime/manga, books, movies or tv series)? And why do you love them? Sorry if you've answered this question before.....Thanks...
ohhh thank you for this question! mmm let's try this, im trying to mix fandoms and not repeat them:
kamala khan from marvel comics: she's the first character i found that i could relate to somehow in mainstream media and i love how complex and brave she is. she's so inspiring to me and growing up with her has been a unique experience, i hold her dear to my heart.
yuuji itadori from jujutsu kaisen: THAT'S MY SON!!!!! i love him so much, he's like that type of character that it's just THE SUN !!!!! i want to keep him safe in my pocket so nothing bad ever happens to him!!! he''s so brave, the fact he decided to enroll jujutsu high only because he wanted to save people, he wanted to do good things askdsjfnj my baby for real <3
sydney adamu from the bear: i love how determined she is. like. she still faces struggles and downs but she is determined to reach her goal and that is so inspiring. plus she's funny and she's played by god herself (ayo edebiri). girlboss of the century.
kate sharma from bridgerton: i fell in love with her reading the book but seeing her played by simone ashley was lifechanging. i am obsessed with her, her dynamic with anthony is one of my fav ships ever (and im usually not into period dramas or period romances), and i can't wait to see more of her. watching bridgerton for kate and kanthony ONLY
bigby wolf from the wolf among us: dude. DUDE. CHARACTER OF ALL TIME. he is a werewolf (i have an insane obsession with werewolves), he is a himbo, he is out there protecting women, he is everything!!!! i love that he is viewed as a dangerous individual yet he is always seeking to do good. idk i love him telltale pls release twau 2 so i can see him
velma dinkley from scooby doo: she is me. i once saw a scooby doo film when i was like 6 and never looked back. she is me. she is bisexual she is a virgo she is a nerd she is obsessed with mysteries she cant see without her glasses she IS ME
spirit from spirit: stallion of the cimarron: one of my fav movies ever, lead by my fav horse ever. he means the world to me and both him and the movie kind of dictated everything i believe in nowadays since i first watched the movie if that makes sense
dinah lance from dc comics: WIFEYYYY even though i have to say i have a complicated relationship with her comics, this was love at first sight. dinah was one of the first dc characters i came across with and i instantly knew she was going to be a fav. i love her powers, her design, her dynamics with other characters and i love her. wish there were more comics that featured a depiction of her that i liked
louis de pointe du lac from interview with the vampire: i am so intrigued by him as a character and i cant wait to see s2 and read the book(s). im referring only to jacob anderson's depiction of the character, btw. im usually not into main characters but there's just something about him that makes me love him. he is so haunted and has gone through so much, it's so interesting to see his journey regarding being a vampire and having this new life.
katniss everdeen from the hunger games: there will never be a leading lady of a young adult saga like her. like. there will NEVER be. she is so complex and so human and so brave and so reserved and all her choices and dlskjmfknfjd. i dont know what else to say dfkjngj.
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was having a conversation the other day about free will in the stanley parable, and between that & rereading the malo jake necro post (& betweengenesisfrog's response) i'd like for this next astronaut ramble to be a look into the ways that homestuck treats the ideas of agency & free will, both in a meta sense (vriska constantly hogging the spotlight) & a social dynamics sense (jake & patriarchy). TW for vague references to questionable kinks & the effects of extreme patriarchy on women under the cut.
ok, so the idea of free will in the context of video games is interesting since by nature most video games (if not all, depending on how you define what a "video game" even is) involve a pretty clear goal/set of goals and some sort of process intended to get you there. as such, in video games you can kinda categorize two different kinds of free will: free will where you have (full/partial) control over the means, the process by which you get to the end, & free will where you have (full/partial) control over the ends, or the ultimate goal/end state.
for example: TSP mostly allows you free will over the end goal through your decisions, but once you get on a path it's not really possible to change the code the developers originally wrote. you can veer off track towards a different ending, but you can't change the process of getting there by nature of how the game functions. in contrast, deltarune (at least from what we can tell w/ 2 chapters) does kind of the opposite of this, giving players free will over the process (do you encourage noelle, or viciously control her?) but promising that the ultimate end state is going to be the same no matter what. thus, "your decisions don't matter," in terms of what ending you'll get, but the process by which you get there is certainly going to change, at least if ch.2 is setting a trend for the rest of the game.
this doesn't apply super cleanly to real life, however, where it's a lot less clear what should be considered an end state or process. it's also very individualistic, focused entirely on the impact of the player's decisions, where in real life you have to deal w/ the choices of everyone else too. i'm thus inclined to call the social dynamics/less theoretical side of free will "agency," & agency is super important when talking about the ways that any piece of media deals with patriarchy. my video game example here is analog: a hate story, since that game delves straight into the ways in which women are forced to negotiate w/ a social structure that frankly fails to even recognize them as people, much less beings with agency (a society which translated "sick daughter" as "pale bride," if you don't get the picture. highly recommend playing analog btw).
homestuck, w/ all of its video game logic & (attempts at) social reflection, deals w/ both of these sides to agency & free will. i believe optimistic duelist already has a lot of good explanations of how hs deals with the latter, particularly w/ the light aspect/vriska stealing the spotlight, as well as how free will in paradox space is based on the idea that every individual will ultimately achieve their goals no matter what, so i won't repeat all of that here. really, it's the social dynamics side of agency that interests me here, particularly for the characters rose, dirk, & especially jake. but before that:
homestuck is fundamentally a queer comic. not only does it spin on an axis of gay teenage drama, lord english himself as the ultimate villain of homestuck can be read as representing patriarchy itself, which is particularly obvious when observing the arcs of the striders (pre-scratch) and dirk & jake (post-scratch) and how they are negatively influenced by lil cal & caliborn respectively. interestingly, since hs takes on a script of flipped gender stereotypes wherein many of its female characters are active agents in the plot while the male characters are more likely to deal w/ the story's emotional core (mean girls & fluffy boys, as deltarune likes to say), you can generally see the influence of patriarchy much stronger in the cast's male characters, and there is no one for which this is more true than jake.
so, getting back to my original motivation for writing this post: as i stated in the tags here, i think it's notable that jake's fascination w/ blue women ultimately does not work out in the slightest in his real life relationships, specifically because of the ways in which said blue women take away his agency, as demonstrated in both the game over timeline & a lot of the post-canon content that shows more of jake's relationship w/ jane. to break shit up a bit here:
jake, jane, & jender
for all his stated interest in "blue women," & the posters all over his room, jake really doesn't have a good track record w/ homestuck's actual blue women. jane & aranea are the obvious candidates here, but jake's parallels to tavros (through the lying down beaten up visual, page title, etc.) also shed some light on his potential connection to vriska (who, imo, is basically the ultimate standard of hs girls w/in that flipped script i mentioned earlier, similar to how jake is the ultimate homestuck boy).
to summarize: not only does jake manipulate jane into friendzoning herself (in the best conversation of the entire comic), aranea & jane are the two most prominent characters that tear jake a new asshole in the game over timeline, specifically in that they completely take away his agency by treating him in the stereotypical way that women are in media. as these posts so beautifully outline, not only is the gender script flipped for jane & jake, it's flipped specifically in their relationship to control & how others view them; in some ways, they still adhere quite strongly to their traditional respective feminine & masculine gender roles, with the whole 50s housewife vibe jane gives off & jake's gentleman schtick.
it's thus not a massive jump to me to see jake's interest in blue women as just another fantasy that he holds onto while still isolated from the rest of humanity, but ultimately doesn't play out the way that he wants it to in reality, something that fits very well into jake's established use of escapist fantasies. jake's fantasizing about a relationship w/ jane can potentially be read as nothing more than compulsive heterosexuality (GT: I consider you [jane] to be a lovely lady of the highest caliber and i really think any gent worth his salt would be a huge bozo to let the chance to go steady with you slip through his fingers. A6A2:4588), & jake's interest in aranea is largely limited to his initial reactions to seeing her.
while this style of image is used to show light romantic interest, the fact that jake's heart uses a ? rather than a 3 even to start makes it clear to me that his initial interest in aranea is quite superficial & questionable even to him. (A6A2:4584)
to clarify, this isn't really meant as an argument for or against the jake necrophilia debate from that post, but just pointing out that his interest in blue women is largely another superficial fantasy, & one that in the end actively works against him once his agency is forcibly taken away from him during the game over timeline.
also, sidenote: the parallels between the game over timeline (& thus terezi's initial killing of vriska) & the epilogue's decision between meat & candy is also striking w/ regards to how homestuck deals w/ the idea of free will, particularly in how it's implied that in the end, the initial decision doesn't work either way. here's some quotes from the very end of hs^2 to clarify that connection since i've mentioned it quite often (HS^2:406):
CALLIOPE: bUt, paradoxically, the critical moment which determined its capture within the black hole happened *after* that point.
CALLIOPE: i refer of coUrse to yoUr decision not to retUrn to the mediUm and fight my brother.
JOHN: wait, wait.
JOHN: you mean, the meat and candy thing?
JOHN: oh my god.
JOHN: you mean i actually DID make a mistake that day.
ROXY: your choice literally didnt matter
ROXY: the whole thing was symbolic in the first place
ROXY: literally symbolic in the case of the picnic i mean come on
ROXY: it was just some steak and a plate of candy suckers
CALLIOPE: i mean, i wouldn't go so far as to say that the meal we shared was unimportant, given the sacred significance of the two options i presented.
CALLIOPE: but yes, yoUr choice of snack was infinitely less important than the choice which it presaged.
CALLIOPE: and even then, calling it a choice woUld be sorely misleading.
CALLIOPE: think of it like a coin flip.
CALLIOPE: the series of events that led to Us being trapped beyond the event horizon of an Ubermassive black hole could be considered "tails", while the events which would have occUrred otherwise could be considered "heads".
CALLIOPE: since both were possible, and paradox space is the way it is, they actUally both happened. and we jUst "happened" (hee hee) to get tails instead of heads.
JOHN: you mean we ended up with the bad possibility.
CALLIOPE: not at all! since both possibilities depend on one another's existence, it really doesn't make sense to call them "right" or "wrong". they both just "are".
2. corpses & agency
in rereading the jane friendzone conversation, one particular line from jake stood out to me again:
GT: I know its hard to believe but i know dirk pretty well and...
GT: Well im more than a little sure he likes me in that way if you catch my drift.
GT: And what with how he is...
GT: Just so relentless and aggressive about everything you know?
GG: Yeaaah.
GT: So i just start to wonder deep down if maybe its inevitable.
usually i read these lines from the perspective of dirk's insecurities about feeling predatory in his relationship w/ jake, but this line from malo has made me rethink it from jake's pov:
I think you are correct that Jake has a “theme of irresponsibility”, but part of that motif is in the way he acts as a living Burnie Lomax -- Jake pretends to be a corpse puppet, emphasizing the interests of others as a way to downplay his own interests, passively achieving his desires. This is true even in Jake’s apparent resistance to Dirk’s advances!
which. honestly complicates things even more lmfao, though i suppose it all fits into the idea of jake fitting the stereotypical role of a woman, negotiating for his agency by manipulating others since he feels like he can't say what he wants outright. his motivation might be more along the lines of social anxiety, but it still fits how women are often socialized to be less direct about their desires (i don't have a link for this, but recommend the paper social influence & gender by linda carli for a formal approach to this idea, if you can get your hands on it). i suppose the conclusion here is that jake does in fact want agency, he just doesn't want the responsibility that comes with it. roxy does make this joke after all (A6A5A1x2:5812):
GT: You almost scooped my boyfriend out from under me in one fell proposal.
TG: oh DID i
TG: from under u eh? ;)
GT: Wait. No i mean...
TG: ;););););) wonks 4 eternity
GT: WHOA NOW WAIT A MINUTE!
(though of course, the real real conclusion here is that bones of black marrow has the best interpretation/implementation of this idea.)
3. puppets & dirk (ft. tentacles & rose)
ANYWAY. while it's slightly different, i do think there are some potential parallels between jake, dirk, & rose's respective relationships to a lack of control, particularly in a fetishistic context. rose's tentacle thing, dirk's puppet thing, jake's dead thing(s). homestuck's a lovely comic when you start looking past the surface.
to be honest, i don't have a ton of conclusions to draw here, mostly just noting more of the connections. i think i mentioned elsewhere the connection between dirk & rose as following the convention of the human kids matching their chumhandle-initials counterparts the most closely, but jake & rose have a lot of weird parallels that i'm not sure how to make sense of. just to list a few: they both have a connection to the creation of the first guardians through writing the MEOW & BARK codes, their theme songs on the LOCAM album link them through the horrorterrors (rose's song is "orchid horror" & jake's is "emerald terror," also linking them through their shirt symbols), & their connection to dirk feels particularly notable w/ regards to the events of post-canon stuff.
they also can be considered the most intelligent out of their respective groups of human kids, rose due to her status as seer of light & jake due to sheer subconscious will, meaning that they are on par w/ the other omniscient/semi-omniscient narrators that homestuck loves making its villains. more specifically, i guess that means they're both aware to some degree about the nature of the world of homestuck itself, which is often the most important kind of intelligence in homestuck (it's what light basically comes down to, right?) since it's so goddamn meta all the time. (you could also make the connection there w/ dirk a little bit, since he's got that connection to plato & plato loooves talking about how philosophers are the most intelligent people ever because they are aware of the Forms, as seen in his metaphysics from books V-VII of the republic. can you tell i'm getting sick of reading the republic by now lmfao.) so, yeah.
#astronaut rambles#not really a distinct conclusion to this one just compiling a bunch of thoughts#still thinking about connections between john & jake btw#that interpretation of 'homestuck' as 'trapped in your own head'/immaturity is very validating to my john post#and there's definitely more to the weird ass relationship the prospit kids have to corpses as someone mentioned not long ago#homestuck#jake english#hs
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Dream, danger, need and fire for Bushra and Juliette 👀
penpenpenpenpenpenpen hiiiiiiiiiiiiiiiiiiiiiiiiiiiiiiiiiiiiiiiiiiiiiiii<3<3<3<3<3 have foreheadsmooch <3<3<3<3
putting this under the read more cause jesus this got long ayayayayayay
dream: does your OC have a driving dream or goal? what is it? how far would they go to achieve it?
Bushra: Next to having a working government that doesn't employ her friends and future partner as slave soldiers? and wanting to burn down the whole galaxy and everyone responsible while helping in creating a happy life for those she cares about? Be able to wake up next to Fox and kiss her goodbye as she goes to work and not have to worry whether she's gonna see them in the evening?
Really wants to have her own office and continue her research into her medical studies and become a respected name in her field! (eye cancer to be a bit more specific! One of her grandma's is suffering from it and she's watched it happen over her childhood.)
Juliette: Ufffffff leave the fighting behind. Have a peaceful life. Be simply happy. Look, she knows what she's done, knows what she's doing but the one time she decided to dream of a peacful life it got blown up. Literally. (*cough with her partner cough*) I think, both in sw and cod, she's never thought she'd get that far, have an actual happiness with her partners. But god, the woman is tired. Tired of what she's lost, tired of the way she decided to stick with it (and still does), tired of the night terrors and the fear and the blood. I think she most wants a stable job that lets her have that without constantly looking over her shoulder in paranoia (in sw, she's never gonna get there btw)
danger: what’s one thing that makes your OC angry? what’s their temper like? how do they respond to people who make them mad?
Bushra: One thing that came most definetely with her work, predjudice in the medical field. It pisses her off, badly. She's very aware that a lot in it will end up with them not bothering (there are many reasons there but god, she's seen the fat phobia going on there and she wants to strangle some doctors) or calling others a lost cause and she's at a point where something in her starts burning then. Also, if you think anything self care and therapy are a hoax, she'll dislike you on principle and think you're an idiot and want nothing to do with you. Having her or her loved ones' boundaries disrepected is prob her biggest one though. She can take a lot, she worked in a closed psychiatry as a nurse from 19 to 24, she's dealt with some stuff, but that just made her that much cutthroat in affirming them. It takes a lot to get her really angry if you aren't pushing said buttons directly. She's a very patient person, very giving and forgiveful if people apologize (but she'll definetely remember it :)). I think there's like two levels to her, one is a sudden burst of anger where she gets flustered, will look actually angry and be a mix of 'trying to stay pleasant but just gets very ranty and demands an explanation and walks around the room a lot'. Will get loud, but tries hard not to. Actual, real anger from her though? Ice-fucking-cold. If you get her there, you know you fucked up. She doesn't need to say a lot and if she smiles, go to your knees and apologize because she will make you feel like an absolute waste of existence at that point.
Juliette: Hmmmm one sure fire way is questioning her strength (which Ghost very succesfully managed). It comes across as disrespectful to her, even if it's just because you care for her well-being. (Say that, she's gonna react a lot better to it. and look, she might hate what she does at this point and hate how she ended up like that, but it's still her point of pride. She has little else. Yes, that is very sad, thx) Being dishonest with her will also get her supremely pissed, she has no energy or time for it. Insults? Look, lady has a lot of anger still simmering in her, don't test her. Also, don't touch her hair unless permitted. Most terrifing would prob still be hurting her loved ones. Which, it happens in her field of work. Book it mate. Her temper is not exactly short, but there's lots of buttons to push and she'll react immediatly to them. Her respondse, dgain, depends on how severe it is and who you are. She'll directly confront, no use in being vague or hiding it to her. If you pissed her off, you'll know immediately. If you 'just' insulted her, she'll march up to you like the 1,93 m mountain of muscle and murder that she is and ask you what the fuck you think you are doing while staring at you like she'll eat your soul like a midnight snack. Most people will leave stuff be then. She'll be growly and calm though. If you push her hard enough after that, that's when she might get loud, but it happens rarely. She doesn't need to. Might ask you for a sparring session, it helps blow of steam and she's mostly around people where that goes. If, eh, you've hurt sombody though, just. Sorry, my dude, that's kinda it :/ (imagine grizzly bear appearing out of nowwhere.) The hair one is more specific, but I still kinda wanna adress it. To keep it short, she had to deal with assholes trying to use it against her during 'friendly sparring' just to piss her off/push her down a peg. She doesn't regret dislocating that shoulder. Got the message across, but it's something deeply personal.
need: has your OC ever experienced desperation? how has it affected them? what do they do when something they need is out of their reach?
Bushra: Several times. Again, she works in the medical field, she worked as both a hospital and psychiatry nurse. She's had people die under her hands while trying her damnest to save them. She's experienced with her parents dying too, the feeling of being left behind, just wanting them back, not understanding what is going on because she was just a child, all these things are branded into her mind. It drives her to try and be better, to work harder, to make it happen less, because she hates it. She's also trying to get into her mind that sometimes, there's nothing she can do, that it's not her fault. Its takes time though. If she sees that she can't do it, she asks for help, simple as that. For a long time she wouldn't keep the burdens to herself and only herself, but I think the desperation she's felt in the medical field have driven that one out. It's not yet her first reaction, but she's also learning that one. At least when she feels truly desperate she will.
Juliette: Again, also several times. On the regular tbh. Again, both in cod and sw, soldier. Juliette skimms by death on what feels like a monthly basis. She's had people dying before her, just behind her, in her arms. She listened over the coms to somebody screaming just before it cut off. Besides that, also her parents. It's scarred her for life, no questions asked. She had no family to simply fall back on then, had no immediate support system that cared for her and it's left it's marks. She's gotten very protective as a result, will try and endanger herself before others get the chance to. Also, ptsd and all that one entails. If she can't do it herself, she'll also scream for help. Otherwise, keep fighting through the desperation. You don't stop till there's a solution or the result.
fire: what’s one thing they’d destroy if they could, and why? would that destruction bring them any satisfaction or catharsis?
Bushra: the government :) she wants to throw fire and stones :) she wants to be able to see Fox smile and not find new scars :) she wants people to be safe and happy :) it would be cathartic and satisfying and let her behead Palpatine after she realised what those lichtenberg scars are :) (idk if u expected anything else, but that's her biggest one, currently)
Juliette: in sw? same. You have to know, she, Ghost, Soap, all of them got called in to work as commanders in this pangalactic war because yes, the jedi are the generals, but they aren't actual military, u know? And she's over 40 at this point, she's done her due, her even living is a miracle in and itself, and she was but a year before finally stepping back and leaving it behind. She has her husbands, she has her life, she's saver now, more stable, she's working on herself and trying to find ways to leave it. But then they got called in and she saw a bunch of 20 year old faces staring back at her, kids, that unlike her, had no choice in it and all three decided to do their damn best to try and get as many out as possible. They know best what a war entails. They don't know how to change a government (except try and murder but after that they're completely stumped, so going back in it is). But yeah, burn it down. Very much satisfaction.
In cod? As a teenager, everthing. As a woman now waking up with sweat drendched sheets and images of blood on her hands and lives she's taken and the fear of never knowing how to leave? Herself and everything that put her there. It's not rational, but who'd expect it to be :) Catharsis and satisfaction in equal messure I'd say. There's a lot of wrath inside her.
#bushra nibira#juliette regard dione#commander regard#this was a lot and really had me sit down and think through stuff holy shit#thank you so much for the ask i'm fucking rattling ayayayayayayaay#im stumped now i'm gonna answer the other asks later but i need a nap and some food
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x laws propaganda time
alright this is the big one buckle in nerds
@ungodly-amounts-of-godly-trauma poll crash course in x laws and also lyserg diethel. all encompassing longpost, tangents included
this is probably going to be too monolithic to work as propaganda but I can do what I want
(read more for courtesy because. abomination)
we’ll begin with some light housekeeping!
Shaman King 101 real quick for those unaware: shamans are people who can see and communicate with ghosts and spirits. every 500 years there’s a big tournament to decide who gets the biggest, bestest spirit, the Great Spirit. there are two versions of SK, 2001 (a heavily manga divergent anime adaptation considered to be better on both nostalgia and writing principles) and the 2021/manga version (written by this guy hiroyuki takei who’s really not the best at writing plots and tends to forget important details. this one’s his intent for better or worse and is more canon).
IMPORTANT TERMS (that I use here but forgot to explain first oops)
spirit ally: a shaman’s primary spirit they use for combat and various tasks
over soul: putting a spirit into a physical medium to allow them to interact with the living world
mana/furyoku: interchangable english and japanese terms for a shaman’s power level. can be measured numerically
shaman king: the person who has the great spirit as their spirit ally
the original shaman king manga was written by a man named hiroyuki takei. takei is. certainly a writer ever. he’s very good at writing fun characters and character dynamics. he character designs and art are very nice (when he’s not being stupid with them. there are some CHOICES). he is very bad at most other things. like remembering timelines and plot details. or research. I will be referring to him occasionally
my area of expertise is the manga version, so assume anything I mention is from that one unless otherwise stated (most general statements do apply to both). HOWEVER, there are some x laws related things that are SIGNIFICANTLY DIFFERENT (more traumatic) in 2001, and I will bring those up as well.
the main antagonist is this guy hao, an onmyoji from 1000 years ago who reincarnated himself to become god (the shaman king). also btw an onmoyji is a type of spiritual leader person who practiced the traditional chinese wuxing (five element) concept, that’s important later. the main protagonist is his twin brother/split part of his soul yoh. they’re really interesting but not the point of this post so
enter lyserg diethel, blorbo no. 1 for this poll (I highly recoommend starting to type his name into your search engine and clicking on the first chemical looking thing that comes up in autocomplete. I could just tell you but it’s way funnier if you find this out how I did)
when we meet lyserg he’s 14 years old (I think. the SK timeline is very broken around this part of the story and dates can vary by a couple years) and he’s joined the shaman fight (big plot tournament) to get revenge on hao, who killed his parents and burned his house down when he was 6. also he’s british, uses dowsing with a pendulum, and his spirit ally is the fairy morphine (funny if you looked up the thing from before), who’s been his friend for his entire life (comes up in trauma later keep notes). he’s also frequently depicted with poppies in the manga (infuriating when combined with the name thing and morphine. why. why is he named that. why he not opioid. this makes me so irrationally upset). lyserg meets the protagonist gang (yoh, this gay emo kid, gay emo kid’s shonen rival boyfriend, and this other guy with a hilarious running gag of summoning this guy billy with magic hitchhiking powers all the time in 2001. it’s implied hitchhiking guy and billy make out once. this show is insane). lyserg’s goal at this point is to find strong allies to beat hao, so he tries to invoke the let’s-fight-to-become-friends trope and it does work but not until he gets decked in the face for being an idiot and pays for everyone’s hospital bills. which are a thing because btw everyone got dropped out of a plane into new mexico breaking bad style for a tournament test.
while journeying with the protagonist gang, they encounter one of hao’s minions, a man named boris tepes dracula. boris is able to use his spirit ally to possess people and temporarily turn them into his vampire minions. the concept of becoming a servant to hao is so horrific to lyserg that, in the 2001 version, he begs yoh to kill him if he ever becomes one. with 100% sincerity. spoiler alert he does at one point, does not get killed, and is confused. this is also when the main event of this poll shows up.
X LAWS BACKSTORY INTERLUDE!
back in the day there were these two dudes luchist and marco lasso. marco was an orphan who grew up at luchist’s family orphanage and they had a very close paternal relationship. so close that they founded an independent supercar dealership together. enter hao, here to find minions for the shaman fight in what was at this point probably about 10 years! arson and murder! the car dealership and orphanage get burnt down, and luchist and marco swear lifelong vengeance on a kid who couldn’t have been more than 5 years old and form the x laws. they gather more people who also think a small child is the ultimate evil, including… who’s that? our next competitor!
iron maiden jeanne, blorbo no. 2 for this poll!
jeanne was a young orphan girl on the streets of mont saint michel in france (my high school functions teacher claimed to have almost drowned in quicksand there writing his name during low tide), that marco and luchist picked to become their ultimate weapon and convinced her she was sent from god to defeat hao. key point here: iron maiden jeanne is genuinely just some random little girl, no divine connection beyond that of the average shaman of her power level. and about that power level. manga/2021 shaman king has this weird little detail, where if a shaman dies or is gravely injured, their numerical power level (I’m glad 2001 only brought in numbers to surprise us with hao’s strength later on, because aaaaaaa) will increase drastically. the x laws exploit this system by having jeanne swear and oath on an iron maiden (the fake medieval torture device, not the band) and stay inside it almost 24/7. real spikes, too. blood pours out of it during her introduction.
being so close to death for probably half her life has given her immense power, and her spirit ally is shamash, the god/spirit who… issued the first laws to the babylonians in mesopotamia? wasn’t the x laws supposed to be a catholic thing?
don’t. worry. about it. normal Takei things.
real quick on religious imagery: the x laws’ over souls are “angels” these robot things (think eva unit but #aesthetic #angelcore or whatever) that they activate by shooting guns. can range from small handguns to bazookas. the second ed of the 2021 anime is also this:
youtube
take it as you will (I love the 2021 eds so much btw, my favourite pieces of shaman king animation. ed 1 for the win)
jeanne’s over souls are all also medieval torture devices (of various levels of accuracy), for example guillotines, gibbets, and the statue of apega
(also, when I say “god” in this, unless I’m referring to hao, the great spirit, or winning the shaman fight, I just mean a powerful spirit ally. it’s weird and confuses even me)
and while we’re talking about jeanne, she’s clearly named after joan d'arc, the revolutionary who heard visions from the archangel micheal on mont saint michel. jeanne wholeheartedly believes she was sent by god to defeat hao, and in the x laws’ twisted views of justice
all those who stand in their way are irredeemable sinners who deserve their gruesome deaths. the x laws are justice incarnate. hao is the ultimate evil who must be defeated at all costs (hao is spotted doing such things as. hanging out with his adoptive little sister/daughter on top of big rocks. engaging in polite conversation with his brother at coffee shops and hot springs. eating a baguette at their match. taunting his brother’s fiancée over a book)
returning to the timeline, the x laws appear and immediately kill boris (turn him into actual dust and all). resident good boy yoh and the other protagonist guys are obviously icked out, because they’d just shonen battled boris, learned his tragic backstory, and taken him out as a threat. lyserg, however, is entranced by the x laws and their gun angel robots… gun angels… angels with…
no…
*I am pulled away from my computer and executed by the comedy police*
anyways, this is the start of a somewhat out of place shakespearean tragedy for our boy. is comparing hiroyuki goddamn takei to william shakespeare a stretch? yes. so much of a stretch. does it feel right in this case? also yes. this is the start of a beautiful, fascinating, deeply frustrating spiral (this character arc has made several people I know hate lyserg diethel at some point lol)
our guys make the final walk to their destination awkwardly walking behind the x laws, who are pissed they didn’t do a murder. eventually they separate and we randomly meet god in southwest colorado. god as in the great spirit in this case. some plot shit happens and lyserg ends up separated from the rest of the protagonist gang, and he wanders into the x laws. there’s this absolutely heartbreaking scene of lyserg, this young boy mourning his parents, crying into marco’s shoulder to ask him if, just maybe, the x laws can defeat hao. and because this is a cult he says yes.
the reveal of lyserg joining the x laws is another very nice and painful scene. it’s been heavily implied to have happened (see above) but had not yet been confirmed. it’s a really good scene but I think you can only really catch the ~Vibes~ by seeing it so
important context: the guy getting sliced was lyserg’s opponent in an officially sanctioned tournament match, where you absolutely do NOT have to kill people. this is after around 3 months of being with the x laws (in the dumb manga timeline. holy shit I hate the manga timeline. in 2001 it’s different, I think it’s even less time)
so, in roughly 3 months with this group, our boy went from “standard anime revenge plot” to “actual cult member. who will kill people”. like he was fucked up before but not in a godly way. also there’s more fucked up now.
real quick jeanne thing. in the manga, most of the x laws get killed by hao (either in a tournament or while shooting a giant space laser at him, setting off a criminally underutilized subplot). some more shit happens, and jeanne ends up discovering that she’s not sent from god, but just and ordinary girl. she is surprisingly unfazed by this. I blame takei
the 2001 and manga versions both have a mutually exclusive godly fucked up thing about them so we’ll be going over those after a quick word from our sponsor: child abuse! yeah lyserg gets slapped around a lot. for not being 100% murder cult 100% of the time. it’s fucked up in a godly way yeah.
in the 2001 version, the spiral is even worse, including lyserg abandoning morphine (best friend fairy who he had a whole filler episode getting back from some goons. that morphine). and he doesn’t really stop being culty and the worst until the very end. and he’s also a lot MORE culty and the worst. he straight up kidnaps someone to use them as bait in an elaborate plan to send hao’s soul to the shadowrealm called the Gate of Babylon, this thing that’ll send everyone in a small vicinities’ souls there. I’m gonna be honest I forgot the details and the wiki was really unhelpful but that’s the gist. he does eventually get less cultish in 2001 though.
in the manga lyserg goes to hell. this isn’t actually that weird for shaman king, I haven’t mentioned it yet but at this point in the manga death has kind of lost all meaning (this comes up with a jeanne thing later. do I need to touch on red crimson jeanne in here? not really. but I’m gonna. “world is mine” -hatsune miku). 4 other guys go to hell at the same time as him he isn’t special. BUT. the hells in shaman king are pretty clearly tied to past events of their beholder’s lives, or worries they might have. for example, a character who’s hometown was flooded when they were young goes to a flooded forest (for THREE PANELS. justice for the hororen hells). lyserg’s hell is london, what looks like some weird time dilated tudor/modern london crossover (or someone not knowing what london looks like). in weird london, lyserg is attacked by a demon he calls Mastema (who, according to my beloved wikipedia, is a fallen archangel and the personification of hatred) takei clearly did at least that much research for once, because Mastema follows lyserg wherever he goes and only attacks when he thinks of his parent’s deaths and his hatred for hao. at one point, he does this to try and defeat it…
…and immediately gets pummeled
now, I’m not entirely sure this was intentional, but like. becoming an “angel” to defeat something. and that doesn’t work. 2+2, people. he comes back from hell btw. death has no meaning and all
in 2021 there’s also this scene where yoh comes to visit lyserg (because he’s the goodest boy ever and is worried about his friend) and jeanne shows up to ask yoh to join the x laws. he refuses, and she immediately switches from hello friend join us to well. murder
and we should also probably talk about zeruel. zeruel, according to google and evangelion, means “arm of god”. zeruel is the angel lyserg recieves as part of the x laws (and who he ditches morphine for in 2001). zeruel itself isn’t really that relevant overall but I felt I had to bring it up. in the manga he uses zeruel (car form) and morphine to form his armoured over soul, mastema dolkeem (flames of enmity)
oh right
five warriors
is a thing
so
in the manga, they introduce this concept of the five warriors, each representing one element (annoyingly, not the actual wuxing elements but instead water, earth, fire, air, and lightning?). hao’s spirit ally throughout the series has been the spirit of fire (there are spirits for each element btw) so it’s poetic that lyserg gets the flames of enmity and fire, or something.
let’s talk about the impermance of death in shaman king real quick. for most of the second half of the manga, death has basically no meaning
oh shit I just realized I forgot to mention jeanne can resurrect the dead. she can do that btw
the death-has-no-meaning train gets started when jeanne brings this one emo guy who died for emo reasons back from the dead and it’s introduced as a concept. over the course of shaman king that emo guy dies. four times. the entire main cast has died at least once (we will get to that later). by the end there is no reason to leave someone dead at all, and doing so would be really fucking stupid. guess what happens to jeanne in red crimson (shaman king spinoff manga. also the best shaman king spinoff manga my beloved)? she dies. permanently
(this screenshot was apparently what broke the post? jeanne dying too powerful for tumblr?)
it’s an ok (?) ending to her character arc (and shows how fucked up she got from the whole child cult leader thing) but it irks me somehow (there’s also a scene in the manga after jeanne discovers she’s not sent from god where she refers to suicide as “there being no act more wicked”)
resurrect my girl
jeanne’s whole thing in red crimson annoys me to no end and if I went off about it here you wouldn’t believe that red crimson is Good Actually. so I won’t. but just know that the wasted potential is off the charts
and now, for what feels like a technicality to me: asakura hao kills everyone!
at the end of the manga, hao becomes god. he also proceeds to attempt his genocide of the human race and offs the entire main cast almost instantly. it is my favourite scene in shaman king ever and I love it dearly. what matters here is that both of our guys here got killed by god himself. that’s also godly trauma. the fact that THAT’S in a lil footnote shows how fucked up everything else is tbh
and uh that’s all I can think of for lyserg and jeanne religious trauma. if you’re curious just ask me somehow and I will be glad to infodump
but really you should just go shaman king (I recommend reading the manga first and then watching 2001. the reboot anime too if you really like the story but it’s just the manga but worse)
do it
there’s some bullshit and bad writing in there but it’s still pretty good (and stupid)
#shaman king#lyserg diethel#iron maiden jeanne#dear god can this post just work#tumblr I hate you sometimes
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It’s time for me to be honest. (Btw this has nothing to do with language haha!) I am one of those ‘He’s mine!!’ fans that so often get slagged off. I guess the only difference is that I keep my mouth tightly shut and don’t publicly say such things.
I’d just like to explain my point of view and how I got there, even though my story is not at all representative of the ‘He’s mine’ crowd.
I’ve been a fictosexual since before puberty. I’ve had 3 great loves in my life, two during high school which both lasted a couple of years, then nothing in my 20s as it was the shit period of my life unlike what Instagram would have you believe, and now that things are settled down again and I’m an old lady in my early thirties, I’ve found the (fictional) love of my life and it’s been four intense years. Unfortunately, a long time after I fell hard for him it turned out he was a lot younger than me (though not underage) lol so that makes things…interesting and sometimes very spicy.
So here’s what I want to try and explain even though it doesn’t often make sense to myself either. People often look at those who ‘simp’ for fictional characters as it being like a temporary or silly crush. And for many it is. I’ve seen many, many mostly female fans obsess and post about my ‘partner’ (that’s what I’ll call him from now on) for months and then abruptly stop or get bored when a new show or media comes along. This is not it for me. I hate the term simp. While yes, humourously I’ll ‘simp’ or make horny posts about my partner, the feelings I have are just as intense, if not more intense, than I’d have for a real person. I’ve only met one other person, irl or online, who shares the same commitment and intensity of feeling for a fictional character. And before you start imagining me with some sort of merch shrine and a tacky body pillow which I take on dates or talk to or whatever, I hate to disappoint you but I’m not a ‘waifuist’ in that sense. The only merch I own are a Funkopop and a t-shirt.
When I met this character, I felt understood. I felt a deep and intense connection to his life experiences which in many ways mirrored my own and felt I instinctively understood his emotions, goals, thought processes etc. Many people think that this is the same as a celebrity crush. It’s not. We don’t get to know celebrities on a deep level. But for fictional characters we often do. We get to see how they feel, what they think, their opinions on things. We see them in their darkest and lowest moments, their most vulnerable and to me my partner became a real person in my mind, and no, not in a schizophrenic or ‘something not right with me neurologically’ type of way. I don’t hear his voice or hallucinate him there. It’s hard to explain. It’s just, to my mind he is real.
So, to me he is the love of my life. Imagine seeing your spouse or significant other romantically involved with another person. It fucking hurts. This is what I feel when I see people ship my partner with themselves or their OC. I feel like I have been betrayed and cheated on. It literally hurts in my chest and I have cried after seeing this type of fanart before. I also ship him with an OC that is not actually a direct self-insert and differs from me in several major ways. And I write fanfic. A lot of very smutty fanfic, but ironically only xReader type which has been very, very well received. In fact, I’d say I’ve written the most m/f smut for this character and have gained a modest but loyal readership. The thing I often get told is how much people love getting lost in my stories and how intimately connected they feel to him when they read my reader insert fics and how intense and emotional it gets. I don’t know why, but when people comment on my fanfics that it makes them fall in love with my partner even more I feel happy and proud that I could write something like that. In any other context it breaks my heart.
I never tell people, either in my fanfiction life or my canonxoc fanart life, that I am personally in love and attached to this man because I don’t want to be one of those people that seem to get so much eye roll and hate. I don’t want to come across as possessive and start drama. But in my mind, he is only mine. He is the thing that makes me most happy in the world, that got me out of depression and suicidality when I was unwell and going through chronic illness. And still keeps me going. I understand him and he understands me like nobody else. He is literally the embodiment of my perfect man.
And before anyone says I need to go outside and touch grass or get professional help…I am a well adjusted member of society. I have a complex job, a dog, own my own place, I visit my family and have a great group of friends. I am not sitting miserable and weird and alone in my dark room obsessively scrolling.
But please try to understand, for some of us, a very serious minority, this is real. The feelings we have are just like the feelings you would have for a real person. This isn’t a disorder and we don’t need ‘help’. It’s just our objects of affection are different to yours. And unfortunately, we have to share our soulmates with hundreds and thousands of others. This is why I can’t really participate in my fandom either, because I can’t keep seeing bad takes on him and seeing him shipped with others. But it’s ok. I’m happy in my world of smutty fanfic and fanart.
--
People elsewhere will judge because they think you should love a real person instead. Plenty of people around here can understand this depth of feeling for a fictional character just fine. It's the lack of ability to share that sets you apart.
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ho ho holy shit it’s the end of the year and that means it’s time for you guessed it my reading year in review.
instead of “read more than last year” my goal this year was “read at least one non-fiction book” and not only did i do that, not only did i read FOUR of them, i still also read more than last year!
(btw i am on storygraph if any of you are also on storygraph)
in january i read that there uh locked tomb series by tamsyn muir. thinking that it was a trilogy and then finding out no i actually have to suffer like the peasants for the conclusion. anyway it was fine and definitely hasn’t taken up at least 40% of my brain at all times ever since. it’s a very normal series i had a normal reaction to and you should read it, it’ll be fine.
i also read volumes 7 and 8 of spy x family by endo tatsuya. 7 is around where the anime stops and i watched it at the end of last year so. i finally just picked up 9 and 10 but i’m saving them as treat for surviving to the new year. anyway it’s good. i generally avoid graphic formats because my brain is just not good at processing images properly, especially when it’s all in black and white, but this was pretty easy for me to read. it’s a good time, recommend.
in february i read witchlings by claribel ortega. this is a middle grade book so the depth and style aren’t exactly for me, but it was very very cute and fun, with a diverse and lovable cast, and i would definitely recommend this to kids age idk 7-ish to 12-ish. that genre of child. a good magical book series to read instead of. you know. i’d be interested to continue the series as well, i think especially if ortega has the books mature with the readership she could really have something special here.
confession i really like to listen to people tell me stories (horrorbabble my beloved) and since i finally got a new library card this year (two actually now!) i can just get audiobooks and listen to them whenever i want. so in april first i listened to we have always lived in the castle by shirley jackson, which as you may or may not know is one of my favorite books of all time. i wanted to experience the story again and i didn’t want to just watch the film (it’s fine, honestly, it just lacks a lot of what i find really captivating about the book) so i put this on while i was doing other things. great book, great author, and i have no complaints whatsoever with the audiobook performance.
i also listened to james and the giant peach. this is my favorite roald dahl book and the audiobook is only about three hours. the narrator had incredible energy, exactly what you’d want from someone reading a children’s book.
in june i read the first nonfiction book, sex ed by ruby rare. this is a very accessible and inclusive book about… no. i shan’t say. everything is spoken about in frank terms and rare has a very personable voice and style. it’s also illustrated!
my next nonfiction book was in august, when i finally got to read i’m glad my mom died by jennette mccurdy. you probably don’t need me to tell you that this book is SO!! GOOD!! an incredible and important piece of art. jennette is so heartbreakingly honest and real here. i spent the whole book just wanting this child, then woman, to be okay. i am so happy she has turned the page on a new chapter in her life and has been able both to follow her real dreams of writing and gain some catharsis in the process. trigger warnings especially for abuse, including sexual abuse, including to a child, including by a parent, and eating disorders. she does not shy away from the ugliness of her experiences so please be prepared for that. it is very heavy at points.
after i finished that book i was just skimming through libby even though i already own [redacted] unread books and anyway on a whim i picked up a book called a door in the dark by scott reintgen. i decided to give it a shot because the main complaints were slow first half (that’s fine) and “unlikeable main character” (a woman with questionable morality). it was pretty good! the high point for me was the main character, in fact. i don’t really want to spoil anything so i won’t go into details but it definitely toys with your expectations in ways i appreciate. looking forward to more in the series!
i finished out august with they were here before us by eric larocca. this is only my second book by larocca (you’ve lost a lot of blood was my last book of 2022) but honestly i already knew i would read anything by them. this book is kind of a collection of short stories but they all have a theme that ties them together and are meant to be read in order. i love his prose, I love his weird imagination and imagery. this is exactly the kind of “unsettling and weird” that i will eat up. easily a new favorite author of mine. (their books are not for everyone, i hasten to add. they are very much for certain tastes. warnings in this book for some mild body horror as well as animal and child death.)
oh just kidding i forgot i read two books that day. the real last book i read in august was after they came by tom kavanagh. it is not a plot twist that this is a story about someone (a teenage girl specifically) living with paranoid schizophrenia, which i believe kavanagh also has. it’s clear this is a very personal story to him, and the horror comes not from the delusions or behavior this girl is having but from knowing she is trapped in them, scared and effectively alone. it’s very heartfelt.
in september i read a couple of shorter works. the first one was “undercover” by tamsyn muir, which is part of amazon’s “into shadow” series of short horror stories. being only about sixty pages this is nowhere near the ballpark of locked tomb’s twisting density but it still really draws you in. it’s a good time.
the other was the novella sour candy by kealan burke patrick. let me start off by saying! this is a grim one. there’s no real catharsis here. it’s just down, down, oh look we can go even further down. i guess it’s not my preferred type of horror, but it was still a good read.
in september i also read a full-length novel, sawkill girls by claire legrand. this is unfortunately my “worst book” of the year but even then it’s completely relative, most of the rest of my reading was bangers. i guess it’s not really what i was hoping it would be. it went places i thought were a bit… idk. i don’t want to say silly, exactly, but it didn’t quite work for me. i think that’s it really, it just wasn’t what i wanted, and what it was wasn’t really for me. important tho: there is sapphic rep and ace rep in here, asexuality in particular being addressed by name, so if you want more of those things, you could do a lot worse than this.
my third nonfiction read was in november and it was the woman in me by britney spears. i decided to crack this open and hopefully read it over the last couple days before my library hold ran out and i ended up devouring it in one sitting instead. like the other memoir on this list, this is a tough read. you will get angry, you will get furious, you will get sad. most people do not come out of this looking good at all and i am so glad brit and her ghostwriter decided to pull no punches. again check the trigger warnings, there’s a lot of abuse of a person with mental illness here, including forced institutionalization and of course the extremely unethical conservatorship. there’s also discussion of an abortion that was difficult and not especially wanted. i’m so so so so glad that she is free to live her life and speak her truth and i hope she gets to live happily with her boys and her man forever.
another book i read in one sitting was exit, pursued by a bear by ek johnston. i found this awhile back when i was looking for modern shakespeare retellings, specifically for one of a midsummer night’s dream, though as you can probably guess from the title this is actually inspired by the winter’s tale. so, there’s no getting around that this book is about sexual assault. it’s very blunt and frank about it, though the assault is not described, only the events leading up and the aftermath. weirdly, i would describe this as something of a slice of life more than a “message” book. this is the story of a seventeen-year-old girl getting on with her life after being drugged and raped. it’s primarily about her recovery especially through her relationships with friends, family, and others. it contains episodes of her triggers (the song that was playing just before she blacked out being a big one) but is primarily about her fighting desperately with everything she has not to let it dictate her life. warnings aside from sexual assault include discussions of forced pregnancy and abortion.
so, i’ve been wanting to read katzenjammer by francesca zappia for quite awhile now, but the price will not drop and the library down the street doesn’t have it. but then i got a card at another branch and voilà! let me warn you now that this is a sad book. it does not have a happy ending. i was warned it was sad going in and i was still not prepared to be absolutely gutted on a spit by it. i figured out what was going on about a fifth of the way from the end and just. cried from that point on. bawled my eyes out. might cry again now. so good, for the record, zappia has an undeniable way with prose and imagery, and there are sketched drawings throughout to shape her vision. i cannot give proper content warnings without dropping a major spoiler, so it will be up to you to decide how you need to approach this book if you want to. i will say that it is NOT sexual assault, though there is quite a bit of bullying that at points can feel a bit threatening in that regard, if that makes sense. i recommend it if idk you have tastes similar to mine (again, i did love it) and are willing to just be really fucking sad for a few hours.
i got a couple more library books in december. the first was my fourth and final nonfiction book of the year, another memoir, counting the cost, by jill duggar (dillard), her husband derick, and a credited professional writer, craig borlase. i have way too many words that i feel should be said about this book for one bullet point. i think it’s important to remember that jill and derick are still conservatives with some toxic and very harmful values, but jill has done incredible work deconstructing and derick has been a phenomenal husband to her. this book feels… unfinished though. it’s clear there’s still a lot that jill has not come to terms with. i hope that she can continue to grow and find peace. and i hope that others who are escaping fundamentalism can feel seen by this.
i took a break from my other library book (below) bc i just really wanted something i knew would be light and fun and easy to read, so i turned to ship wrecked by olivia dade. this is the third book in a series, the first two of which (spoiler alert and all the feels) i read last year. each one is about a couple with one (or two in this case) actors from a fictional show that is… i mean it’s game of thrones but make it greek myth. she doesn’t even try to hide it, it’s game of thrones. the thing that drew me to the series, aside from the fact that it just sounded like fun, is that all the main ladies (and in this case the man as well) are fat. as for this book, i think it’s probably my least favorite of the three. the fmc maria is pretty great but the mmc peter is easily my least favorite of the three male leads. dade doesn’t write toxic men, let me add, and all three books are dual pov so you really get to know both characters, but he just wasn’t it for me. i wish that the other characters got more screen time, especially since the books are not that short, but dade prefers to really dig into the psyches of her leads, unpacking their baggage and traumas to build healthy relationships, and i do appreciate that. downside is that there is not much diversity, other than her three ladies are each different kinds of fat (and don’t get me wrong, i love that and want to see more of it). this book has a lot of background queerness though so that was nice to see. i wonder if she intends to write a book about the wlw couple from the show, but i don’t know since afaik neither of those ladies are plus size. i’d read it, or really anything else she decides to do with this world.
the other library book i read from this batch was leech by hiron ennes. people describe this as a weird book but honestly if anything it could have been weirder. i went in without knowing a thing about it besides, like, taz blurbed it shut UP i doNOT HAVE a proBLEM. quick sketch this takes place in a very post-apocalyptic world and is about a doctor going to a remote isolated northern region during winter. yep, that’s all that it’s about. content warnings for body horror, both of the icky kind and the psychological kind, miscarriages, infant/child death, violence, and discussions of grooming and sexual abuse. it’s not really about those things (except the body horror) and when it comes up it’s generally less than a page at a time, but like. it’s all there and you should be careful. i would say it’s more about identity and autonomy and what it costs to break free. and body horror.
i read the burglar in the closet by lawrence block. i came across this book because one of my booktubers put it on his best of 2023 list and it sounded fun. and it was! it’s actually from 1978 and the second book in a series but i didn’t read the first book and was fine. there’s quite a bit of sexism but the amount and the framing of it didn’t make it impossible to enjoy this book. the narrator has such a strong voice and there are some genuine laughs to be had. plus, the ending surprised me! it was well-crafted! it’s a quick read and i’m pleased i took a little detour through it.
and the last book i’ll probably finish in 2023 (who knows!) is maeve fly by cj leede. i literally just now finished it and have to sit with it before i give it a proper rating and all that. there were times i wasn’t sure how i felt about this book. the narrator has such strong nlog edgelord energy but in her defense, she is literally a serial killer (i don’t think this is a spoiler tho it does take her a minute to say on page that she has killed). there are a lot of lines that had me rolling my eyes a bit, mostly because they were always the lines that were marked as frequently highlighted, like yeah, predictable. but there are also a lot of moments of genuinely beautiful prose, and a kind of macabre humor over it all. things really go off the rails in the last 20-25% or so but that was definitely my favorite part. technically i’ve seen this book classed as on the milder end of extreme horror, basically just be aware that there is a lot of very, very graphic violence. but the thing is, i read this book primarily as a metaphor, tho i’m not sure how much the author meant it as one. the ending makes me think perhaps she did. and honestly, framing it that way, maeve is actually… painfully relatable. why do i feel like i just got put on a watchlist somewhere. uhh, i could go on about it a lot, but you don’t care, you don’t intend to read this book. plus it’s more important that i mention that this book takes place in los angeles, except the parts that are in anaheim, because maeve plays princess E— at D— (never named but not at all obfuscated). the author does treat anaheim like it’s part of LA and i KNOW I KNOW it doesn’t matter TO YOU but the main thing i kept thinking was, wow i bet that commute is a bitch. i actually really liked the D— stuff because it’s all a bit inside baseball, employees and anaheim residents will capital K Know. there were also some really great descriptions of LA, and it just was nice to read someone put to words what the actual appeal of living around here is. it’s difficult to explain because people always come in with so many preconceived notions. as mandy moore put it, it’s a city of open doors. (lmao i just saw grady hendrix blurbed this as “anaheim psycho.” chef’s kiss.)
anyway i could easily finish something else if i set my mind to it but i kinda wanna maybe crack into something a bit longer. those last two were both under 300 pages, and even leech is not that much over it. or maybe i’ll just let myself disappear into bg3 until the new year.
#no books in march bc i was playing resi4#or october bc i was playing bg3#or july bc i was depressed#deep thoughts
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