I think something that often gets overlooked about the Lonely is that it isn’t just the fear of being rejected, abandoned, and unloved.

It is that, but it’s also the heavy sense of dread that settles in your bones when you realize that whatever danger you’re in, you have to deal with it on your own. It’s the realization that no one is around to hear you scream and that no one is coming to save you. It’s the feeling of calling emergency services (911, 119, etc.) and asking the operator when help is coming, only to be told that no one is coming, because they’re all tied up on other calls right now, so it may be another hour or so before anyone gets to you. It’s the visceral terror you feel when you finally realize that the help you need is never going to come, or if it does, they won’t be there until it’s already too late for you. It’s realizing that you’ll never see your loved ones again, and wondering if anyone will ever find your body, if anyone is going to care that you’re gone, if anyone is ever going to find out what happened to you, if anyone is even going to realize that you’re dead.

Being trans + experiencing apathy is just “do I really care anymore about these people misgendering me”

do any other schizoids feel like you experience life from far away? like you’re trapped in a bubble, isolated and alone, even if you’re hanging out with people, and you interact with the outside world through a screen and controllers- that it’s not “you” interacting with other people, it’s a “character”, like you’re piloting a mech. You can’t actually “feel” anything. It makes me feel very much not human, I just want to know I’m not alone 😔

sometimes i think bout barbara or carlo having an episode and how their partners are handling it and what can i say. my brain should stfu and never think again

feel free to ignore -> i did mean the schizotaxic blog & it's owner &... am aware of the circumstances it just feels really weird to admit they're likely dead cos I followed them for a relatively long time. maybe its selfish idk auehguha. thank you for the info though I'll include them in the post.... hope ur stalking situation goes away sooner rather than later </3

yea no worries, i knew them long b4 they even made a tumblr, we were never "friends" for the obvious skitzoid reasons but i just knew them long enough to mostly get what they were going through

like i get the inclination to be He Who Shall Not Be Named abt it w/o the context of what actually went down but tbh it feels weird that nobody ever noticed they like vanished even tho it was rly obvious, and afaik they didnt make any friends or even acquaintances even while they were active with the schizoid posting which was always rly sad/weird 2 me. likes its expected because schizoidism but ironic at the same time, alot of their old posts (and the suicide note on their webcomic blog) talked about this idea of people expecting u to feel "appreciated" because they "actually" liked u, like, idk behind the scenes or whatever the fuck while also never saying or doing anything that proved they actually did

Would suggest blocking this loser jaja

T-shirt that says "I was emotionally and mentally neglected as a child"

dazai is a schizoid girlie to me

The worst part about having whatever I have is the inability to understand/follow speech anymore. I’m autistic and I know it’s not that because it’s never been so hard to follow entire conversations— no emotion and avolition are easy to deal with compared to something that’s way harder to hide

is there any way to heal the schizoid dilemma at all? like I mean is there any way to relieve the engulfment feeling or to make it occur less often? to like increase the threshold for it to appear? I’m not sure I’m making any sense. Is the schizoid dilemma something that exposure therapy can help with? if you throw yourself into situations, force yourself to be social and push through the violent urge to ghost everyone and isolate, does the feeling get better over time? Or is that a sure fire way to make yourself feel drastically worse?

I tried to google therapy for schizoids and everything seems to be … very much from an outsiders perspective, someone with no clue of the actual inner thought processes or how to soothe those. It’s more about how to gaslight the schizoid (with cbt) into appearing normal than it is to help them dissociate less or to feel less stress around socializing (or maybe it’s just me) So I can’t find any good answers. And I don’t know where that leaves me

Frankly I think it would be a disservice for me to genuinely think my LO's are perfect or better than anybody else or exceedingly unique. They really are just people and they have flaws like other people and sometimes they do things I really don't want them to. But I still care for them so much.

A large insecurity I have and one that has been an issue in the past is that it's so difficult to express my feelings and their depth without it feeling like imposing an obligation, like an implicit demand where they must remain 'perfect' to me. It doesn't matter what you are, just be what you already are! Because ultimately, I nurture my feelings not out of an expectation from my LO's but because I benefit from my feelings, I do it for me. There is nothing that needs to be 'repaid' and there is nothing I believe them to 'owe'.

Ultimately, I think a great pain from my life in the past is the pressing need to 'earn' the title of being good or loveable or even tolerable. I never want to subject anybody to something like that. I don't want anybody to have to 'prove' anything to me.

drawing is difficult for me and writing is something i’m considerably better at sooooo…

written list of ideas i have for a humanoid design for bellum bc i think im finally zeroing in on something after a few uhhh years of brainstorming

(if you read this and have like. some ideas you want to share or some possible [constructive] criticisms go ahead and share them if you want)

Not actually properly humanoid; he can take on a fully human look but it isn’t his default and requires a bit more energy

Therefore, he usually lacks ears (they’re just. holes), finger or toe nails, a navel, an adam’s apple, or basically any kind of human detail that could be easily overlooked at first glance (maybe leaning into a bit uncanny?). He does have these traits when he actually puts the effort in to pass as human

The traits shared between his usual humanoid form and the more explicitly human form are: an eyepatch over his left eye (he doesn’t have a left eye or eye socket in either form. it’s like one-eyed willy in goonies), yellow hair (actually the same color as link’s), a lack of a nose (effectively like it’s been torn off, just leaving the nostril lines/openings), and a lot of large scars pretty much everywhere (some are just normal looking scars, like one across his face that looks like items from a wound that cost him his nose, while others vaguely resemble the markings on his body when he’s in demon/normal form), so either way he’s going to draw attention

In his usual form (more obviously nonhuman) his left eye is his usual black and orange eye, and he has sharp teeth, but he can switch those to appear more human if he’d like

He’s below the average height and appears to be only slightly muscular, logically more built for flexibility or with the build of a dancer, but his demonic strength remains, though his speed and flexibility is limited by the form he takes

His hair is a mess and mostly short, and if he’s in the more demonic-leaning human form, it’s usually got streaks of black (black is in there in some way, how it appears is still a wip) in all of the yellow

Clothing can vary but most commonly he chooses something loose and casual, he doesn’t particularly value his clothes and doesn’t really have anything to hide and so pick stuff that won’t drag him down or get snagged in a fight, flimsy loose clothes are good

Other times he’ll wear boots and gauntlets and gloves in a more serious context, usually opting for designs and materials similar to what he gives his phantoms, he doesn’t fully lean into the phantom-style of armor or fighting unless he needs to focus on defense, however

In either of his human forms, he’s still capable of fighting (and in his more demonic form he can use his tentacles, the come from his back), and doesn’t so much as have a fighting style as he generally just kills with whatever seems most convenient or entertaining at the time, ranging from creating a weapon for himself to use to just bashing a guy’s skull in with his bare hands

He’s very violent but can talk just fine and can be just about eloquent if he wants but usually leans into being more chaotic and acting the part of a brutal ruffian if the job can be completed using force, so a lot of the time he doesn’t even bother with looking explicitly human most of the time

He greatly prefers his demonic form and uses the human form for specific reasons, and can’t actually use it if he’s too weak

using browser twitter bc the view thing w the eye symbol u cant turn off makes me think that that many ppl are watching me in real life and browser twitter is so shitty. if only twitter cared to be an accessible website lol

I go through periods where I’m like I guess I’m not that much of a narcissist and then I see all the criteria and explanations of the criteria and I’m like LOL

yooo hii!! i know you from pinterest & we talked a bit there ages ago before you switched accounts! ik youre not "making friends" kind of people & i obviously totally respect that but know yall cross our mind!! we think abt yall and hope you guys are having a good day & shit :>

AWH WHAT!!!! i think i might know who this is by the way and if so, you're in my thoughts as well even if we're incapable of holding conversations. thanks so much ☺️ hope you're well too!