This election day, I'm thinking of my Nana.

I'm thinking of how as a young woman, she fled political violence in her native Colombia to build a new home in a more stable country. I'm thinking about how she lived a long life, but not long enough to see her home country elect its first ever progressive president (just a few months ago!).

Coincidentally, I was living in Colombia at that time (in the very city she grew up in), and I was able to witness what felt like a miracle. A very conservative country, suffering from the violent inheritance of colonization and catholic invasion and the war on drugs, against a backdrop of the dangerous global rise of the far right--this unlikely country managed to elect one of the most progressive heads of state in the world, in 2022. That's a pretty big deal.

And I'm thinking about this, this election day, because that election was won by a very thin margin. I'm thinking about how it almost didn't happen. I'm thinking about how it was only possible thanks to the highest voter turnout in 20 year. And I am thinking about the countless number of voters who chose to vote for the first time. I am thinking of the poorest and most disenfranchised citizens who showed up at the polls. I am thinking of the indigenous women who rode 12 hours on public buses to vote at the 'nearest' polling stations. I am thinking of all the money and corruption that went into preventing minority citizens from voting, and I'm thinking about how they showed up in the millions and voted anyway.

I am thinking that I would like to see a miracle like that in my own home country.

So if you're on the fence about waiting in line today to cast your vote, I hope that you will think--about the country you want to live in, the future you hope will unfold, and about all of the people it takes to make a miracle.

Because history may deem us nameless and faceless, but when we show up en masse, we are the ones who make history happen.

And yes, maybe also spare a thought for my Nana. Who was in fact a very angry and judgemental woman who supported the republican party for 50+ years, and who would be turning in her grave right now (if the family hadn't had her cremated). Think about the mean angry ghost of my Colombian grandmother, who very much wants you to not show up at the polls to support abortion and other sinful progressive values. Think about her. Do it for her. Do it for Nana.

1 year clean and sober Chair (7/7/21)

I’m Katherine A grateful dual diagnosed Alcoholic. (Pause)

What it was like: I was born into a quiet dysfunctional family. I was placed in foster care when I was 2ish because of this. When we (my older sister and I) were placed back with our mom we moved across the U.S. from Massachusetts to Vancouver Washington because we had family here and I had what I thought was a normal up bringing, on the outside it looked like a normal low-income family, but my mom was very much present and involved in my education unlike most of the other kid’s parents who I hung out with. However, behind closed doors my family was falling apart. My grandpa who I looked at like a father was an alcoholic, would always have a beer in hand while driving to pick us up from school, my dad did not enter my life until after I was 6 or 7 years old and what I thought was normal discipline was not, long story short my childhood left my brain literally broken. As young as 5th grade I wanted to die and could not explain why that was always a thought. The school and one of my friends thought it was because my great grandpa who I was very close with had died that year, but I knew it was not the only reason. Starting at a young age my parents attempted to try and help us make good choices around alcohol. My parents train of thought was if they allowed drinking in the house, we would not go behind their backs and party, and for the most part it worked. So, I started drinking small amounts of alcohol around the age of 8. In middle school I started hanging around the wrong crowd and by high school I was a mess. My drinking progressed from small amounts to large very quickly during that time. My mental health was so bad that I missed a month of school in 10thgrade due to a suicide attempt. I was self-harming, drinking, running away and overdosing on Benadryl and over the counter sleep aid regularly that my mom finally told one of my teachers after he called about me crying and walking out of my 11th grade English class that if I was going to kill myself nothing anyone did for me was going to stop me. 12th grade I barely was able to graduate due to the amount of school I was skipping and if it were not for my English teacher staying after school to help me with my math, I would not have graduated at all. When my best friend died in an ATV accident the summer after we graduated, I lost the will to live and again ended up in the hospital for a week over a suicide attempt and had to drop out of college because I could not get the work done, I lost 2 scholarship because of it and would eventually lose financial aid due to 2 more dropouts due to my mental health. At the age of 20 I got married to someone I thought loved me for me, but I found out in a short period of time how wrong I was about him; however, it was too late to walk away, and no one intervened due to him looking and acting mentally sound and me being bat shit crazy on the outside but behind closed doors it was a different story. My drinking and wanting to die only grew worse because I was hating my life and could never do anything right by my then husband. The only time I was mostly sober was when I was pregnant, but I was still regularly self-harming during that time. I was a closet alcoholic and tried to control it around my 2 boys who I try to keep living for as well. 7 years of marriage full of domestic violence and a lot of other not so great things ended with him walking out the door 3 days after Christmas of 2017 with the threat that if I tried to get a divorce, he would make my life a living hell by taking the boys away and never letting me see them again. My drinking, self-harming and overdosing went off the chart because of the fear of my ex and I was going to the hospital or my current boyfriend was having to come out and find me at bus stops or walking around trying to either get picked up by random people or get to the I5 bridge to jump off of (this all happened after my kids were in bed and asleep and my mom was home) all while trying to get and hold down a job while also trying to take care of my 2 special needs boys during the day time. About 2

years ago I was diagnosed with D.I.D. (Dissociative identity disorder) so literally my brain is broken into about 46 known pieces as of right now. Life started making more sense however it fixed nothing. It only explained why I have little to no memory of growing up or anything that was or is overly stressful. My boyfriend was having his own problems with bad med management, so I helped him while pretending/not caring about my own drinking and using. He got better as I kept getting worse. I finally got a job doing peer support which I had been wanting to do for 4 years and was certified to do and started working in a treatment center. Long story short I started to feel like a fraud at work every day. I was telling the ladies how to better their lives and I was losing it every time I was not at work. So, after talking with my counselor, he referred me to a SUD program, and I went. I told my SUD counselor flat out that I would not go to any groups because of the work that I did, I just wanted vivitrol to control the urges that at this point were out of control. No A.A. for me because I did not want to run into people who might know me from work. Well, that did not work out so well. I relapsed July 5th. My SUD counselor told me to go to A.A. so I did. I found the only in person meeting at the time, which was here, and I made an effort to get to as many meetings as time would allow. I let fear stop me from asking anyone to be my sponsor (1 because there were not many women at the meetings I was going to because RBR had just reopened their noon meetings due to the shutdown and 2 I feared that my mental health was too bad for anyone to handle) I was sober because I held onto the message NO MATTER FUCKING WHAT WE DON’T DRINK or USE! My job changed from the treatment center to the crisis center and just being sober was taking a toll. The fighting between my boyfriend and I was at an all-time high and I was slowly getting to the point that either I needed to be dead or I would drink again so on Aug. 17th after a week filled with 2 suicide attempts and my first week working graveyard at the crisis center I went to the 7pm meeting, filled my heart with all the hope it could hold, went home and told my kids that I loved them, tucked them into bed, packed a bag and had my boyfriend take me to the psych hospital. On the drive I text a few women in this room to say where I was going and that when I got out, I would get a sponsor because every message I heard said get a sponsor and work the steps to get better and I really wanted to get better. A week later I got out of the hospital no longer wanting to die or drink. I prayed really hard to a Man that I struggled to talk to or believe in to point out a woman who could handle ALL of me, already kind of knowing the woman He had picked out because she had taken me to her church once and had called me out at a meeting for not having a sponsor yet. So, on Sep. 9th after 62 days clean and sober and 39 meetings I asked Danira to be our sponsor and she said yes. Well first I texted her on the 8th and asked because I had no idea how it worked and Danira also intimidated us, we talked on the 9th and then she said yes. I would love to tell you all that my life got better however that would be a lie. With 46 known alter/personalities and a large majority not wanting recovery this process has been really difficult but also very rewarding. From September to the end of October I was making progress in leaps and bounds but then we got covid and everything stopped in November. I could not get my vivitrol shot and I could not go to an in-person meeting. My brain stopped working, it reverted to survival. I held onto NO MATTER WHAT to try to make day to day work for us to not relapse. We stopped picking up the phone and started staying up late hours not moving so we did not do something stupid. We still were able to do our gratitude daily and were grateful for waking up without a relapse each and every day. I do not remember much from November to January besides, we kept saying WE DON’T DRINK OR USE NO

MATTER WHAT. We finally were able to get back to the meetings regularly and while no we do not talk a lot due to our brain not being able to hold coherent thoughts most of the time, we are still in the meeting. Standing to get our 6th and 9th month coins was one of the happiest moments in our life. Working the steps have been hard but we keep pushing through. Danira has not given up on us yet and we try to push ourselves to make her, my kids and boyfriend proud.

NO MATTER WHAT looks like when my youngest is losing it by screaming in our face or hurting me physically we do not get the damn bottle because it will not fix anything (despite what some think in our head). My kids have already been through so much of me being selfish with my drinking and rampage problems. They need their mom to get out of self and learn to be a better parent for them. NO MATTER WHAT looks like when I cannot sleep, or I am suffering from high physical pain I don’t get weed or pills to numb it all because it is a short fix that will make all the hard work, we put in all for nothing. We do not have another relapse or recovery in us, if we went out, we would never come back and that is not an option just ask Danira, I tried once it ended with her at my front door with backup. NO MATTER WHAT looks like when two of my sponsee sisters and sponsor shows up at my house after a night of crisis that I follow my sponsor’s directions to go back to the hospital to stay safe and come back to my baseline even when I do not want to because she will not gamble with our lives or my boys’ lives. Side note: because of God leading me to Danira and Danira never giving up on us and because I was able to mostly follow her direction to go back into the psych hospital again, not that I was given much of a choice in the matter, we now have a counselor that knows what they are talking about and is able to help us move forward in our recovery in both the mental and addiction aspects. NO MATTER WHAT is a statement I only knew in a bad way. I would say NO MATTER WHAT I was going to be dead by the time I was 16, 18, 20, 25,30 years old now I say NO MATTER WHAT we are going to keep going and keep fighting this fight because I have 2 little boys that need me. NO MATTER WHAT my ex does to me NO MATTER WHAT anyone does to me we do not need to drink or use to fix it despite what the others might think in the head.

So, to the newcomer I want to leave you with this message NO MATTER WHAT it takes it is a one day, one moment at a time program and it is spiritual progress not perfection, it is a “we” program not an “I” program and these men and women will stand with you to fight this disease as long as you let them in.

WE DON’T DRINK OR USE NO MATTER FUCKING WHAT!!

Thank you.