I've fallen down the stupidest fucking rabbit hole involving Metazoo and I've been possessed by the world's stupidest demon to accumulate a complete set of these useless valueless frankly shitty unplayable cards and just. Preserve them. For posterity.
Like I'd stopped picking them up because the Native set made me. Really uncomfortable and I was only buying them as a consolation prize when Target was out of Pokemon and Digimon and YuGiOh cards but now that the entire corporation is dead I just want to dissect this corpse and absolute stupid cash grab sham of a company
Like I'm convinced this game is the way it is and the cards are what they are because all these cryptids and folklore creatures and various references to 'spooky' things you'd find on any 3spoopy5me wikipedia crawl are the way they are because they already exist in the cultural miasma despite not being copyright in any way. You can cut a lot of red tape and save a lot of money when you don't have to come up with a design wholecloth yourself you can just go 'this is mothman it looks like mothman', and the cancelled SCP cardset only FURTHER CONVINCES me of this. Like. The creators were obviously panning around for open source easy ideas they didn't have to actually think about or pay for and printing money off of gullible card investors. For two and a half years!!!
And a fun thing about me is I cannot resist a scam. I cannot resist a rabbit hole. This guy rugpulled a whole community and now you have a bunch of bagholders awkwardly standing around like 'yeah I really believed in the card, I just liked the card you know, the game was fun.'
Meanwhile the optimal way to play the hello kitty crossover set (which. How did you swing THAT???) involves wearing a giraffe onesie, a crown, a red bow, moth antennae, feathers, a mask, a bunny hood, a birds nest directly on your head, dragon wings, a bell, a kuromi headpiece AND a propeller hat all at once, ideally with a volcano in plain sight. You also have to say aloud with your human mouth "It's okay I forgive you" in order to summon kuromi to the field.
bonkers fucking game I wish it got popular competitively I want to see what depths TCG players would stoop to in order to gain an edge.
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Toontown: Corporate Clash Recap: The Director's Cuts
Recently, the Chairman released a notice that the Boardbot department would be overhauled, with most of its workers being laid off as new employees were hired to replace them.
Desperate to save their jobs, the soon-to-be fired Boardbots invaded Toontown and worked with a mysterious informant to try and get access to the profiles of the incoming Boardbots.
They even started showing up to provide back-up to the other Department’s Bosses to try and kiss up to the higher ups.
As more and more Boardbots were defeated, Winn Dos (a Yellow Koala in the Toon Resistance) of the Toon Resistance was able to uncover the log-in credentials of all of the new Cogs, with the final Cogs’ credentials being recovered at 1,000,000 Boardbots defeated.
In the final day before the new employees would be onboarded, the Boardbots launched a full-scale invasion of Toontown, taking over every Neighborhood except Toontown Central, replacing most of the Cogs you could find in any context, with a handful of exceptions covered in the ARG’s article.
However, it wasn’t enough to save their jobs, and with 2,313,734 Boardbots defeated over the course of the event, they were all fired, with the new hires replacing them for the remainder of the event’s runtime (and no more in-game milestone tracking).
We now have a whole new variety of Cogs to go over, as the Con Artists, Conoissuers, Swindlers, Toxic Managers, and Big Fish (the former Tier 7 Boardbots, I never got to introducing them), have all been fired and replaced with new Cogs.
Bagholder
Levels: 1-5
Department: Boardbot
Position: Employee
Honorifics: Mr.
Likes: Pettiness, Speculation, Hoarding
Dislikes: Playing Fair, Letting Go
The Bagholder has a face and mustache that looks kinda like a green Wario with a 5 o’ clock shadow, and also wears some kinda bowler hat/derby hat/I don’t know hats okay. He’s also, like most Tier 1 Cogs, short and fat.
The Bagholder also has access to the following attacks:
Pickpocket: Yoinks a dollar bill out of a single Toon’s pocket, dealing damage.
Sacked: Throws a stack on top of a single Toon, squishing them to deal damage.
Rubber Stamp: Inks up a stamp on one of those stamp ink-pad things and then stamps the air in front of him, sending the stamps impression towards a single Toon to deal damage.
Short Squeeze: The Bagholder makes a grabby motion at the air in front of him to telekinetically grab a single Toon, then moves his hands up and down to shake a lot of coins out of the Toon’s pockets, dealing damage.
Levels: 2-6
Department: Boardbot
Position: Employee
Honorifics: Mr.
Likes: Exit Strategies, Folding
Dislikes: Risky Ventures, Water
Paper Hands
The Paper Hands is a lanky Cog who looks kinda like someone decided to make Octodad out of wads of paper and then slapped a pair of glasses on his face.
His attacks are as follows:
Short Squeeze: See above.
Fountain Pen: Sprays a single toon with a stream of ink.
Write Off: Takes out a pad of paper and scribbles a checkmark that he then flings off the paper and at a single Toon.
Rolodex: Fingers through all the cards, sending them flying at a single Toon.
Market Crash: Takes out a newspaper reporting on a market crash and throws it to crush a single Toon.
Levels: 3-7
Department: Boardbot
Position: Employee
Honorifics: Mx./Mr./Ms.
Likes: Newspapers, the Dark
Dislikes: Tin Foil, Chat-chat
Insider
The Insider is a small, thin Cog who’s features are obscured by shadow, save for their eyes. Their suit has a high color and fedora that almost completely covers their head. It’s like they’re a living shadow with eyes who decided to put on a Boardbot suit.
They also served as the main antagonist of the Director’s Cut ARG, having tricked the offboarded Boardbots into violating company policy in order to guarantee their termination and secure the new Boardbots their position, so they’re clever in spite of being a low-ranking Cog. They were the last new Boardbot design revealed at the end of the ARG, while the rest were introduced in order of rank.
Their attacks are as follows:
Pick Pocket: Same as when the Bagholder does it.
Blue Chip: The Insider takes a blue poker chip out of his pocket and flips it towards her target. As it soars through the air, the chip grows large enough to crush the targeted Toon on impact.
Power Trip: Insider wiggles their fingers to send sparkles that’ll trip up all the Toons.
Hang Up: The Insider takes out a phone, presses several keys, and then hangs up, dealing damage to a single target.
Levels: 4-8
Department: Boardbot
Position: Employee
Honorifics: Mr.
Likes: Wire Cutters, Power Surges
Dislikes: Tangled Wires, Blackouts
Circuit Breaker
The Circuit Breaker is uh…
Let’s see, he looks like he’s wearing glasses, his neck and lower jaw combined look like a screw. There’s a coil of yellow cables where his mouth should be. The top half of his head looks like a cross between a top hat and a battery. He appears to be wearing glasses. He’s got angry eyebrows. There’s a screw with a wire coiled around it sticking out of the top of his head.
Y’know what, I’ll just link all their wiki articles at the end of this submission and we’ll see if you can make sense of how weird they all look.
Anyways, ATTACKS:
Power Trip: Already went over this.
Falling Knife: User throws a knife into the sky. It comes down, point first, on a single Toon.
Brain Storm: User conjures a storm cloud and sends it to a single Toon, where it thunders and every raindrop is replaced with the phrase “Outside the Box”.
Quake: The user hops in place several times, shaking the ground to damage multiple Toons.
Levels: 5-9
Department: Boardbot
Position: Employee
Honorifics: Mr./Ms.
Likes: Getting His Way, Standing His Ground
Dislikes: Opposition, Letting Things Go
Deadlock
The Deadlock’s name is pretty self explanatory. She’s got a patchwork head that’s shaped like a padlock, tiny eyes, a little keyhole on his little nose, sealed latch atop her head that indicates he is locked, and a massive underbite that takes up the lower half of her rusting head. He’s also got a chain dangling out of her mouth.
She’s a big one, and pretty dang intimidating at that.
As for his attacks?
Red Tape: Throws a roll of red tape at a single Toon, binding them for a few seconds to deal damage if it connects.
Short Squeeze: We’ve been over this before.
Evil Eye: Glares at a single Toon to summon a giant, evil, disembodied eye that flies right at the target.
Guilt Trip: Same as Power Trip.
Glower Power: Literally glares daggers at a single target.
And that covers all of the Boardbots that can be encountered in Toontown Central and Barnacle Boatyard. The remaining three will be covered in future neighborhoods. Next time, we cover three Sidetasks from Barnacle Boatyard. See ya then!
Bonus: Wiki Articles
Bagholder
Paper Hands
Insider
Circuit Breaker
Deadlock
The Director’s Cuts
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Paper hands absolutely looks like octodad oh my god
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